928 – Gobble the Grobble with Mumbles and Meanders | All Intros

Episode 928 – Gobble the Grobble with Mumbles and Meanders | All Intros

 

[START OF RECORDING]

 

SCOOTER:    Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and friends beyond the binary, it’s getting lulled in here so let me take these things off your mind.  I am getting so sleepy.  I’m gonna put you to sleep.  It’s time for Sleep With Me, patrons.  Thanks for supporting the show.

 

INTRO:    [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing?  Trouble getting to sleep?  Trouble staying asleep?  Well, welcome.  This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  We do it with a bedtime story.  Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play.  I’m gonna do the rest.  What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever is keeping you awake; thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, changes in schedule or time, temperature, weather, all those things.  Whatever’s keeping you up, I’d like to keep you company, bring you in here, say hey, come on in.  It’s a welcome place where I’m gonna try to teach you…treat you with kindness.  No teaching here.  Oh, boy.  I don’t know where that slip came from.  I mean, I could teach you about this safe place; it’s a open…you’ll be treated with dignity and respect.

 

I mean, I’ll do my best to keep you company and to take your mind off of stuff.  The way I’m gonna do it is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night.  I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents.  I’m gonna go off-topic, extra…word filler.  Oh, boy.  They say, he’s the only person that puts filler in his word filler.  I mean, I’d be…I get contacted by the multinationals every once in a while from different things where they say huh, how’s he do that?  How’d he get so much filler in in a…just a twelve-minute intro?  I said, don’t you make an orange-flavored drink?  What do you need filler for?  Isn’t water…?  They say, it’s just tough to…believe me, we gotta…I say, remember when fundraisers…we used to have a different…that was all filler.  It didn’t have any flavor.  They simply called it Orange Drink.

 

I think that whole idea behind that was to sell more Tang ‘cause you say oh boy, this is not Tang.  Tang tastes a thousand times better.  I don’t think they could come after me for that, but we’ll come back to that.  We’ll come back to that.  If you’re new, welcome.  Here’s a few things; I’m glad you’re here.  Now, this podcast isn’t for everybody, but for most people that it works for, it takes a few tries ‘cause it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.  Of course you’re skeptical, naturally.  I’m gonna try to put you to sleep.  You say, wait, how are you gonna do it?  I say, mostly be myself and mess around, work really hard at keeping you company.  I’m gonna be here.  That’s really what it is, with my best intentions, because I’ve been there in the deep, dark night.  But give it a few tries.  Try to passively consume the podcast at first if you can and observe it, but in a loose way and see how it goes.  But I’m here to help.  No pressure.

 

Those are the other things; no pressure to listen, no pressure to fall asleep.  The shows are an hour so you don’t have to listen to them or feel like holy cow, this thing better work fast.  No, it’s here for an hour.  You could queue up and listen to three hundred shows right in a row if you need to.  If you’re on some cosmic journey, first of all, you would be probably…maybe you’re a…you’ve been on a journey.  Maybe you have Tang on board, so my Tang jokes would actually make sense to you.  I hope that’s what that stuff is called, but maybe I’ll just go to the store in a little while.  Say, do you have the store-brand version of that, though?  I’ll compare prices, don’t…no, don’t worry, corporate headquarters.  I’m not really comparing prices.  Okay, where was I?  I was with the new listener.  So, no pressure to listen and no pressure to fall asleep.  I’m gonna be here about an hour to keep you company.

 

You drift off when you feel like it.  See if it works.  Play another episode, see how it goes.  Structurally what to expect if you’re new, the show starts off with a few minutes of business.  That’s how we keep the podcast free and going and support a lot of the work that goes into it.  Then there’s an intro which we’re probably close to halfway through.  The intros are usually around twelve minutes of me trying to introduce what the podcast is to a new listener, but what I’ve found is it becomes…it’s become a show within a show that also serves a dual purpose; one, hopefully it makes you feel welcome if you’re new, but it also…if you’re a regular listener, you say oh yeah, this is my familiar, safe place.  A little bit different, though.  Every intro’s different ‘cause I know Scoots is gonna be there helping, not dialing it in, not replaying saying from the stacks of the pillows and the wax of dreams, here’s Sleep With Me podcast, ba-ba-dum.  I mean, I could do that.

 

I don’t think any sleep podcast has done that, but maybe one day.  Maybe on a planet…the over-caffeinated planet.  They say well, that works for us.  Okay, where was I, though?  Oh, don’t have to listen, no pressure to fall asleep, I’ll be here for about an hour.  Oh, structure.  So, the intros…a lot of people, what they do is they start it up and they get ready for bed.  It’s part of their bedtime routine.  Some people skip the intro, some people fall asleep during the intro, so those are ways to listen.  A lot of people now listen during the day ‘cause they say hey, I need a little break.  Some people don’t like to listen during the day.  They like the Pavlovian thing.  That’s cool ‘cause they’ll…most of those people support the show.  Then the people that listen during the day support the show too ‘cause they say hey, when I need a break during the day, I also listen to Scoots.

 

When I need a friend…we all know what the deep, dark day looks like, you know?  Holy…you say, put that in a spreadsheet, Dean.  Speech just became a 80s movie, somehow.  But okay, speaking of 80s movies, that’s what we’ll be talking about tonight, is a Tale of the Tape from a seasonal movie which I still…figure out how I’m gonna talk about or even the title of it.  I guess, yeah, Dustbusters is the name of the movie.  It’s a great one.  I’ll guess I’ll have to put a space or another word.  I think Dustbuster is the name of that company.  I talked about it on a recent intro when I was talking about my break-dancing names.  Oh, so structure of the show; we’ll have a intro, then we’ll have where I talk about, indirectly, what I can remember about the plot of the movie Dustbusters, the original one.  Maybe at some point I’ll do the remake which is a beloved, beloved remake with some actresses I find very inspirational and look up to.

 

I think Thor was in it, also, and he’s really great.  But this is about the 80s version.  They’ll be a intro, then a little business, then we’ll talk about Dustbusters and the State Puff Marshmallow Person.  They don’t even need to be changed.  Then we end the show with some thank-yous and some goodnights.  This is the part of the intro where I try to make a metaphor for what the podcast is based on what was distracting me earlier which was Tang.  You can still buy this thing, this stuff.  It’s powdered Vitamin C-flavored orange drink, I believe.  I think the concept was, it was like powdered orange juice.  I don’t know if it came out in one of the big WWs or it was just a product of like hey, this is the future.  I don’t think it’s like freeze…I don’t know if there’s actually any orange in there other than orange coloring and orange flavoring.  I did go through a period where I drank a lot of this when I was in school, when I was in college ‘cause I said, I gotta get my vitamins.

 

Also, when you’re in a dorm room, you can drink…you can really only make ramen, when you have one of those kettle things that you plug into the wall.  I guess you don’t use that for Tang, but those are the other beverages other than the ones I drank too much of.  But Tang was one of the things I would drink.  I’d say, let me have a little…let me have some room-temperature Tang.  That’ll slag this…slake this thirst.  My body was like, oh boy.  My body’s always been, like, how many years I got with you?  But so, Tang is like a orange-flavored drink.  What I was referring to when I was complimenting Tang, by the way, multinational, I was saying that before that — and I guess this is another company — usually Burger King, in my experience, would furnish this, especially if it was a seasonal dance in a grammar school or a roller-skating party or some sort of fundraiser.

 

[00:10:00] There was usually not very many beverages available because if this was pre-Hay Day Soda where you wouldn’t give…kids didn’t get…only got to drink soda on special occasions.  So usually, you’re…maybe.  Or maybe it was just…this was just what I drank, but they would have coffee and Orange Drink.  Orange Drink came in this big tub labeled with a BK, like a big thermos thing with a spout.  You press a button like you see at sporting events and golf courses and things.  It was a drink that was like, if water could be more…it was like, watered-down water with some sort of sprinkling…if it was like…if a normal thing of Tang is like, one tablespoon to twelve ounces of water, and if you’re familiar with Tang — or orange juice would be another thing — this would be one tablespoon of Tang to thirty gallons of water, or a tablespoon of orange juice mixed with ten gallons of water.

 

I’m not kidding; they would serve this.  They would probably sell it for like, twenty-five, fifty cents.  Maybe ten cents.  That’s what it’s probably worth.  It was called Orange Drink.  They didn’t even bother.  They said well, would you like some Orange Drink?  I guess when people say there were simpler times, they were simpler, but I think they were simpler for a reason.  You say, really?  You became creative enough to make a sleep podcast and you lived in a time where there was Orange Drink and you didn’t…I mean, maybe I did do a routine back…what, are you selling Orange Drink?  Can’t you think of something more snazzy for it?  Hey teach, why don’t you little…put The Orange Drink or something?  The Orange Drink; what is it?  Question mark.  Mostly water with…okay, I think I got…I’m at the end of my Orange Drink material.  But Orange Drink was similar to Tang.  I guess that was my whole point.

 

This is kinda like similar…if there was…there’s brand-name podcasts, right?  You got Criminal, you got 99 PI, you got Night Vale, you got Lore, you got MFM, you got Radiolab.  You got all these…you say, Serial.  You got ‘em all and more.  Of course, the other ones, the other great ones that I’m forgetting.  But then you say, what if you took that and watered it down?  You say well, that’s one part twist, one part plot point, you got emotional journey in there, you got witticisms and witty stuff, twist, turns, sound design, thoughtful questions, interviews, a window into the human condition.  These are a few of the things that might make up some of those shows; observations on the…did I say…?  Windows of observations, funny people.  You say, okay, well, those are all one…whatever.  Some of their parts are greater than their wholes.  Now, this one is mostly holes and watered-down Orange Drink.

 

That’s what this podcast…because then you say, well, I don’t…a thimble…whatever they used to sell it for, fifty cents; it was in a Dixie cup.  That was for another intro.  They used to convince people; they’d say hey, you need these shot…these paper shot-sized cups for your bathroom.  That’s what all…are you an aspirational middle-class person in the US?  Then you need these cups for your restroom.  They’re gonna show that you’re ready for the big-time.  They’re called Dixie cups.  Bringing some people back, I think…but that’s what you would…you’d say well, that’s enough.  A Dixie cup of orange drink?  That’s enough for me.  I don’t think it was ever said…I mean, unless you were really thirsty, like you were really doing some roller-skating at the roller-skating party, or you’d say holy cow, I gotta get another Orange Drink.  I’m thirsty, here.  I’d say okay, let us…it’s just reached room temperature, so here you go.

 

This podcast is a bit like that, I think.  It’s watered-down but it’s a familiar flavor.  It’s based in and inspired by something you love, and it’s here for you not to drink or consume but to be here as you drift off, to slake those thoughts that are keeping you awake, to say hey, well, you could listen to Scoots and some of you across the globe and across the time spectrum of ages will be like, what in the…?  What’s a Tang and what’s a…?  Probably, what’s an Orange Drink?  Also, Scoots, that was called Tong, just so you know, and Daisy cups.  Of course, I was referring to Daisy cups and Tong the whole time, not those other things I accidentally said.  That was totally a mix-up of, whatever, other words I may have accidentally used in this podcast.  But anyway, I’m here to help.  I’m here to keep you company, to barely make you smile, just like when you’re…that Orange Drink.

 

That probably would be…you’d say…you wouldn’t barely smile but you’d say, this barely tastes like orange.  It’s a drink that’s kind of orange.  Anyway, I’m here to help.  I work very hard because I strive and I yearn to help you fall asleep.  Thank you again for coming by, and here’s a couple of ways we keep this show a-going.

 

Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing?  Trouble getting to sleep?  Trouble staying asleep?  Well, welcome.  This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  We do it with a bedtime story.  Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play.  I’ll do the rest.  What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake whether it’s thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, things you’re thinking about, emotions you’re experiencing, physical things you’re feeling.  It could be changes in time, temperature, schedule.  Whatever’s keeping you awake, I’d like to help and what I’m gonna do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake.  I think I said that, but so…maybe I…sometimes I’ll use…oh, the way I’m gonna do it is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night.

 

I’m gonna use circular logic of a repetitive nature, circle…usually I prefer ovular or ellipse…once I know what an ellipses is, oh boy, you better be ready ‘cause I’ll be a elliptical trainer without the exercise…for bedtime.  Maybe I could do that.  What if I started recording the podcast through a conk shell or a…one of those other shells that are already…we’ll say those…our shells are branded, Scoots.  Okay, what about a horn that…a shell that looks like a ram’s horn?  ‘Cause, you know, I don’t want to use a ram’s horn unless it’s a reclaimed one.  They said well, that ram left it behind when the ram went to the big…the ram was already on its way to the…they’d say okay, well, this is a bedtime podcast.  I don’t know who’s become…mixing up my metaphors right now.  I think we should probably stick to exercise equipment, shell-related exercise equipment like the…like, elliptical’s actually a word, Scoots.  Oh.  Oh, well, yeah, sorry.

 

But so, I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night.  I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, apologies.  I’m gonna basically be here to keep you company as you fall asleep.  If you’re new, expect some tangents.  You’ve already heard a few.  Expect some that don’t make a whole lot of sense.  What I’m gonna try to do is keep you company as you drift off.  Structurally what to expect, the show starts off with a few minutes of business.  That’s how we keep it free and going, then we…it starts off with a few minutes of business, then there’s a intro.  We’re probably like, four minutes into the intro.  Intros are usually around twelve minutes.  In reality, it’s kind of a show within a show.  It’s kinda part of the podcast where I go off…I try to explain what the podcast is efficiently and then I’m unable to do so because of…it’s kind of like…I don’t know what it’s like.

 

It’s just like, what the podcast…I discovered…actually, I was listening to some old episodes and it took a while to develop this twelve to fourteen to seventeen to sixteen to eleven to ten to eighteen-minute intro.  For a while, it was a bit of a badda-bing-badda-boom, here we go, sleep stuff’s coming.  But slowly I learned that some listeners like…they like to fall asleep to something kind of familiar but different every time; intro, something that’s pretty nonsensical.  A lot of listeners, it’s part of their wind-down routine.  You say, old Scoots is gonna start off explaining the podcast and go off on a tangent and get a little losty-poo.  Is he…still thinks about…what was he saying?  Was he the elliptical trainer of podcasts?  Definitely not the Stair Climber.  You say, what?  A piece of equipment in a gym is most like…I say well, which piece of equipment has the most hot air?  I’d say the sauna, steam room.

 

Not only are those relaxing, but they’re full of hot air which is what this podcast is.  You say, has there ever been in the history of the world…back when they had…these amusements [00:20:00] were a little bit different; a laughing steam room, ‘cause that would be…or a…the sauna that giggled.  Okay, put that down as another book title for me, and would say no, no, the sauna’s giggling about…not about you.  Of course not.  The sauna’s giggling with you, though the…I mean, here’s the thing, and this’ll be…maybe this makes some people giggle; sauna’s deal with a lot of B-U double…butts.  I guess the sauna would be like, you gotta laugh.  People are sitting on me all day long.  I’m here to, I don’t know.  Shouldn’t you get back to explaining what the podcast is, Scoots?  You’re right, sauna Steve.  You’re right, sauna Sandra.  I’ll be right…yeah, so not sure what…I guess we already figured it out, yeah.  What exercise equipment has tangents?

 

Usually someone will be going on a tangent in one of those rooms.  Maybe the hot tub.  It does have bubbles and it could have hot, warm air; someone’s…a little…had beans for lunch.  But, okay, so the intro, a lot of listeners listen to it as they wind down.  Some people listen to it during the day.  But it’s a show within a show.  Some people skip it, but that’s how the show starts.  Then there’s some business, then there’s the bedtime story which tonight we’ll be talking about The Good Place.  It won’t be spoiler-free, but you say…if you saw the episode four times and you listened to this description, you’d say first off, Scoots, how many episodes of The Good Place have you watched?  I would say, how many times have I watched episodes of The Good Place?  Probably four…maybe four hundred times, maybe.  No, I’d say maybe less; thirty…so, times three.  Ninety…maybe ninety times.

 

Okay, and you still don’t remember the main character’s names?  Well, sometimes I don’t.  Right.  Part of my method.  It’s a little bit of the secret sauce.  Thanks for revealing that.  You’d say Scoots, could you name two of the main characters right now?  Would you consider Diana Tremaine a main character?  No, that’s a fake name for a character.  Chidi…oh, also shirtless Chidi.  That may be a different character.  That was like…oh, no, that was a different part of Chidi’s personality.  Eleanor, of course.  Michael, Tahani, Jason, Janet.  Is that everyone?  Did I forget someone?  Holy goodness.  Trevor’s not a main character but the judge…I’m trying to think of other character’s names, but they’re escaping me.  I almost had it.  Oh, Shawn.  That’s the other character.  Derek, Mindy.  See?  I’m pretty good at this.  You say, well, Scoots just started naming characters then he got all the way down to Pillboi, Donkey Doug, and other…but sometimes I’ll say what’s that on the wall of that bar?

 

What does that say?  We’ll do that for a little while and then we have some thank-yous at the end.  It’s kind of a meandering show.  But here’s the thing; you don’t need to listen to me.  This is a podcast you can listen to.  Believe me, I’m here to help take your mind off of stuff with a little bit of nonsense and a lot of extra details and just watching my brain jump around and say hey brain, what’s up next?  Do you have any more…did you think of any shell names that aren’t patented yet?  No.  Okay.  Hey brain, did you double-check your database to see if conk…one, am I saying conk shell right?  Two, did you see what the…if I could do a podcast through a shell?  Here’s the thing; if you hear waves in a shell, would you hear…would a microphone hear waves?  Isn’t that a reasonable question?  No.  Okay, we’ll get back…okay, so, I’m back.  So, you don’t need to listen to me.

 

I’m gonna be here to keep you company and you can listen at any volume or as long as you need to.  There’s also no pressure to fall asleep.  I’m gonna be here about an hour and you could listen to probably three hundred shows in a row if you needed.  You drift off whenever you want.  I’m here to keep you company as you fall asleep, just like a friend would.  They would sit at your bedside and talk to you, but you don’t have to entertain me or clean up after me or even be around me.  I’m here to service you at a distance.  So, what was I trying to say?  Oh, you don’t need to listen to me, no pressure to fall asleep.  If you can’t sleep though, I’m gonna be here ‘til the berry…very end.  Keeps coming up; the berry end.  I got Strawberry Shortcake on the subconscious somewhere.  I don’t know where, but some…not in that place, okay?  No.

 

Some other part, like, I think like…hopefully it was some sort of conscious where you say hey, why don’t you…?  Maybe that would be good.  Hey, here’s an idea for a reboot; Strawberry Shortcake Life Coach.  Alls she does is say…she just adds ‘berry’ to stuff, like affirmations.  She stands at the foot of the person’s bed and says Brad, you’re gonna have a berry good day.  Brad says well, I don’t know what kind of day I’m going to have.  She says, exactly, so you’re going to have a berry good day.  Whatever the day carries.  Maybe it would be funnier if it was Barry, or maybe that would be the client.  That could be midway through the season.  The client…she says, this just isn’t working.  When I say Barry’s having a berry good day, it didn’t work.  Suddenly, I wondered if I really was a life coach.  Might work better as a fake autobiography.  You’re right.  My Days as a Life Coach by Strawberry Shortcake.  Barry’s Berry Good Day.

 

Okay, so I’m gonna try to take your mind off of stuff.  You don’t need to listen to me.  I’m here to keep you company.  The reason I made this show is ‘cause I’ve been there.  I know how it feels.  Sometimes it can feel a little bit…it can feel berry L-O-N-L-E-Y or however you spell that word.  I’m here to be your friend, to be a friendly voice at least, across the deep, dark night.  Someone would say hey, I smoothed it and patted it, rubbed it down, cleaned all the berry crumbles.  I said, Strawberry Shortcake, what are you doing?  This isn’t even your bed.  You can’t eat…first of all, you’re eating strawberry shortcake.  Now, that’s a bit strange.  No offense, Strawberry Shortcake.  Then she said, it’s berry good.  I said well, just do it in your own bed.  Don’t eat it in this listener’s bed ‘cause now I gotta clean it up, which I did.  I vacuumed it.

 

I smoothed it and I patted it and I rubbed it down, because you really do deserve a good night’s sleep.  You deserve dignity and respect.  You deserve to be rested.  You deserve to be breathing and let your shoulders relax and unwind.  I’m here to help.  I guess that’s basically what I’m saying.  It’s my honor to do so ‘cause as I said, I know how it feels.  It doesn’t feel berry good.  No offense, Strawberry Shortcake.  Don’t try to cheer me up after 1:00 AM.  Also, if we’re sharing a dorm room or whatever, don’t friggen eat your berries so…why do you gotta…?  Sorry, I didn’t mean to bring up these gripes with you right in front of all the listeners.  Plus, I was starting a business with Strawberry Shortcake, a few of them.  No, that’s patented.  Easy-Bake Oven’s patented.  I already told you that.  But I said, can you stop…please stop smacking your berries at night or whatever that noise is.  Oh, it’s in my imagination.

 

Oh, that’s our other roommate.  Oh.  Eeyore’s our other roommate.  That’s great.  Okay, I gotta get back to the podcasters, or the listeners.  I’m here to help.  Give the few…show a few tries if you’ve never listened before ‘cause it takes a few tries to get used to.  It’s a little bit different, but I really appreciate you giving it a shot.  I work very hard, I strive and I yearn to help you fall asleep.  Thanks again for coming by, and here’s a couple ways we keep this show a-going.

 

Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing?  Trouble getting to sleep?  Trouble staying asleep?  Well, welcome.  This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  We do it with a bedtime story.  Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play.  I’m gonna do the rest.

 

What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake whether it’s thoughts coming up, things on your mind, memories of the past or concerns, thinks of future stuff.  It could be physical sensations, something you’re feeling in your body, it could be something emotionally you’re experiencing.  Whatever it is that’s keeping you awake, I’d like to distract you from that.  The way I’m gonna do it; yes, I have a nice, safe place here set…a setting for you in many…kind of like a place setting but a seat…lace…[00:30:00] all set…a safe place setting, kind of…yeah, maybe we’ll come back to that.  It’s probably been two or three years since I talked about…what are those things called that you get at a place setting when you were a kid?  A place mat.  Maybe we’ll come back to that.

 

But I’m gonna try to make a safe place where you could set aside all the stuff that’s keeping you awake.  I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night.  I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, I’m gonna go off on tangents, I’m not gonna make a lot of sense and when I do, it’ll probably be full of nonsense, but well-intentioned nonsense, all to make it easier for you to go to bed, to make bedtime the best time, I guess.  That was accidental, but to make it less rigorous or less like a rigmarole.  Is that a kind of pasta?  Is there a pasta rigmarole?  I say hey, what’d you bring, lasagna or stuffed shells?  No, I brought some rigmaroles.  Oh, I thought you were bringing baked rigmarole.  No, I got some rigmaroles and garlic butter ones, of course.  Then, yeah, a rigmarole.  I’m actually in the middle of a podcast intro though, so I can’t explain the dishes.  Also, I didn’t make them.  They’re imaginary.

 

The Imaginary Potluck.  That’s another book.  Put it in the list.  Put it in the queue, 40:47; The Imaginary Potluck.  Every potluck I’ve gone to has been the dish I brought most of the time.  You say well, these are Puff the Magic Dragon puffs.  Of course you can’t see them.  They live in Honalee under the sea or wherever it is, wherever Puff the Magic Dragon lives.  Anyway, if you’re new, let me get you settled here.  A couple things to know; this podcast doesn’t make a whole lot of sense so if you’re new, give it a few tries.  Honestly, it’s free and it’s here to help, but it doesn’t work for everybody.  I hope it works for you.  Give it a few tries.  Maybe the first time you might try to figure it out or try to listen to me and say, is he making any sense?  Then we’ll realize no, I’m the kind of person that bakes rigmarole and not to say well, this is a big moment in the history of rigmaroles.

 

No, I just was running late and I said hm, what’s in this…what are these, biscuits in this tube in the fridge?  No, rigmaroles.  Put them in there.  The podcast won’t make a whole lot of sense.  Eventually, you might kinda passively consume it or actively consume it.  You can listen; it’s gonna take your mind off of stuff.  It’s just not gonna over-engage you or be entirely sensible, but it’s here to help.  I’m here to be your friend in the deep, dark night.  Structurally what to expect; the show starts off with a few minutes of business.  That’s how we keep the show going.  Then there’s an intro.  The intros are about twelve minutes of…it’s a show within a show so if you’re new, see how it goes.  A lot of people listen to it as part of their wind-down routine.  Some listeners fall asleep during the intro.  A few listeners skip it.

 

I’m hearing from more and more people that might listen during the day for a little break, but the intro’s kinda part of the show and also an example of the show, and in some sense, a show within a show, a bit like a monologue except even on TV monologues, they don’t usually run twelve minutes and usually they’re taught.  That’s the intro.  Then there’s gonna be some business between the intro and the story.  Then tonight will be a story; it’ll be our season finale of our episodically serial modular series, The Stan Chronicles: Nuns in Space.  That’ll be…and then there will be some thank-yous at the end.  That’s the structure of the show.  Here’s a couple other things; it’s a podcast you don’t need to listen to.  As I said, you can kinda just listen to it and see how it goes.  It’s also a sleep podcast that’s not really…I say the podcast to put you to sleep, but it’s more to be here while you fall asleep, to keep you company, to walk at your side as you drift off into dreamland.

 

Kinda see how it goes and yeah, just see how it goes.  It’s here to help.  But yeah, I was just thinking about that; a safe place setting.  That’s a interesting accidental juxtaposition of words that I came across.  I said hm, a safe place setting.  If you’re a parent with young children, that might have one meaning to you, as it means a lot of plastic and rounded things.  They have those new bibs…I think they’ve come out in the last few years.  They’re like a silicone bib with a trough in it.  The things they could do with the silicone stuff now, it looks like…I don’t know.  It’s interesting.  I’ve seen it on a few kids.  Usually they don’t…when guests are over, people don’t use them.  Tell you what, if I’m a guest coming over, go ahead and pull it out.  I like watch…I say wow, that thing is…I don’t know.  I just find it interesting.  But that might be one thing that makes up a safe place setting.

 

Some people with a…parents of six kids; like, my parents might be a table that sets itself or is set by one of the children, ideally the oldest children, Andrew, but not…they’d say oh, did you set the table?  I don’t really live…my daughter and I, we don’t really set the table, maybe ‘cause there’s two of us.  This would be…maybe this is our version of a safe place setting.  Because usually we’ll have a salad and then ideally, we’ll reuse the plates after the salad for our main…our dinner and I’ll just plate them and then bring the food over plated with a fork.  Or you say well, you keep your fork from the salad.  A lot of times — mom, close your ears — we don’t drink out of glasses or cups.  We just drink straight out of seltzer cans, or sometimes we’ll drink out of glasses.  But yeah, I guess we…it’s less complicated with the two of us, a place setting.  But, oh, so, a safe place setting; I just thought of it.

 

You say well, this is a safe place setting.  Come out and sit in.  It sounds pretty nice to me.  I’d eat there, or I’d like to exist there.  But so, they used to have these things — I guess they still do — called place mats.  I guess they still have them ‘cause I know IKEA sells them, like roll-out ones.  That’s more of…it seems like a plate guard or something.  That’s something you put your stuff on.  It makes your table look nicer.  I guess maybe it catches some crumbs.  Then some restaurants will still have place mats.  Usually everyone will get one and it’ll be kind of like a advertisement for the restaurant or if it’s like a tourist area for local businesses.  It’s paper and maybe it catches…if you drop some spaghetti on it or something.  Not that I’ve done that eight thousand times.  But it felt like when I was a kid, place mats were a really big deal, or at least…usually the ones I’m picturing in my mind were made from laminated stuff.

 

I guess they weren’t that big a deal.  They would have designs.  I’m trying to think; I know I’ve thought more about…at some point I was pondering place mats, but those brain cells seem to have flittered away.  I said, where’s the place mat…?  I thought we had a few minutes of place mats we could talk about.  I guess it’s like, good…if you have a table cloth and a place mat, then you have…you got double coverage.  Now, at my house growing up, I think we had…I want to say we had two different kitchen tables.  We eat in the kitchen and there were six kids and two adults.  So, three kids on each side of the table.  We had benches.  I remember we had a good kitchen table that was like, whatever, coating…it…whatever it was, it also had a plastic coating on it, not…in a really easy way.  Just like if you had a restaurant, they say okay, get the sponge and wipe that thing off.  I think I’m picturing…it was like kinda tan with metal legs.

 

I don’t want to say at one point we changed over to something a little bit of a darker wood, but that still was very well-laminated or whatever they call that, finished or lacquered so that it was easy to wipe off.  We never…I don’t think we used a table cloth with six kids, but sometimes we did have place mats.  I mean, I really should have a permanent place mat ‘cause then you say okay, well, that’ll do something, and then the table cloth will do something, too.  Ideally, this show is a bit like a place mat.  Like, it catches…a filtering place mat where you say okay, well, let some of those extra thoughts kinda spill out here.  This one has absorbent material so you could say [00:40:00] okay, well, I’m thinking about this…okay, we got room here.  Okay, you put too much milk in that bowl.  No problem; got that covered.  Okay, yeah, you’re…oh, you’re losing a meatball.  Got it, I got it.  Oh, was that bone broth?  Ooh, it’s a vegetable broth.

 

Lovely color there.  Oh, yeah, no worries about spilling it.  I got it; I’m a place mat.  I’m a little place mat, thin and flat.  I’m a rectangle, I’m also a mat.  When you go and spill something, I’ll catch that.  How you doing?  I’m your place mat.  That’s the place mat song or something.  I don’t know.  Pleased to meet you.  What if that was your place mat?  That would be pretty handy, actually.  Not a sentient place mat but a place mat that gave you some…you say well, I’ve got a lot of unresolved emotional needs or unrequited ones and I’d like them…I’d like a place mat that can meet some of those emotional needs.  I say okay, sir.  I think you’re in the wrong store.  I say well, I thought you were in Switzerland or Sweden or something.  I thought that was a more advanced thing, you know?  What do you mean you don’t have place mats that say hey, how are you doing?  That would be it.  I’m not talking about major needs.

 

You know, just to say hey, tough day today, eh?  Tell me…and then maybe some passive listening.  Tell me about your day.  Oh, wow.  Hm.  I could sell you this idea, totally.  Huh.  Oof.  That sounds tough.  Oh, not again.  Well, you’re doing the best you can, right?  That doesn’t…that maybe that…looking good would be another one.  I’m with you, even though that would be figurative.  The place mat would say, get out there.  I’m with you.  I’m the wind at your back.  I’m the place mat at your table.  Maybe singing…you could turn that on or off.  Like, some pleasant humming.  Be-be-do-boo.  You know, a place mat that does that kind of stuff.  Maybe sings that place mat song.  That would be more for a baby or a podcaster that…but yeah, so, that’s a little bit about place mats.  I guess this podcast tries to be that at bedtime.  I say hey, it is tough.  I’m not even joking.

 

I know what it’s like not to be able to sleep and to toss and turn.  I’d like to help with a little bit of silliness and a little bit of friendship.  I’m here to take your mind off of stuff and keep you company.  Like I said, it doesn’t work for everybody, so see how it goes for you.  But I’ll be here.  So, I’ll be here for an hour if you need me, so fall asleep at your leisure.  If you’re new, give it a few tries, but I really appreciate your time.  I really appreciate you coming by, and I work very hard and I strive and I yearn to help you fall asleep.  Thanks.

 

Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing?  Trouble getting to sleep?  Trouble staying asleep?  Well, welcome.  This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  We do it with a bedtime story.  Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play.  I’m gonna do the rest.  What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake whether it’s thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, time, temperature, changes; you work the second shift, third shift, you’re on a work trip, someone else is on a work trip.  You know, whatever’s keeping you awake, I’d like to help with that.  What I’m gonna do is I’m gonna take this…I’m trying to create a safe place.  I’m trying to smooth it and pat it and rub it down and say safe place, just like I was in Motown Philly Harmony or something.  I’m gonna pat this safe place.  See?  Look at how nice it is.

 

I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night, I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, creaky, rustified tangents, superfluous words, unresolved metaphors, friendly banter.  I’m gonna keep you company and the way I’m gonna do it…get mixed up, that’s another one.  If you’re new, this is your first couple times checking out the show, welcome.  Here, have a seat in this nice, convenient safe place, or stand if you prefer.  Cross your arms, uncross them, whatever it is; roll your shoulders if you wish.  I’m doing that.  Probably not the best during a meet-and-greet like we’re having here, but this is more like a greet-and-greet; greet-and-greet.  I wish great rhymed with greet ‘cause it would be convenient right this second.  But let me tell you, it’s great to greet you, new listener.  That’s what I meant to say.  Welcome to Sleep With Me.

 

The podcast is a little bit different so if you’re new, I’m gonna try to set you up here.  But when I try to do that, I usually get…I go off-topic.  So, don’t try to pay too close attention.  Most regular listeners which is probably like, 150,000 people, listen multiple times a week…say it took two or three tries.  It took those…then there’s other people that listen occasionally.  So, give it a few tries.  See if it helps.  But if you try to concentrate, you’re welcome to concentrate as much as you want.  That’s why I’m saying it’s great to greet you.  What about…have I ever told you about the story about The Greatest Greeter Ever?  Maybe I could tell you that at some point soon.  That might even be tonight’s bedtime story.  I am not the greatest greeter ever, but it’s great…what I was saying is it’s so great to greet you.

 

But don’t try…you can concentrate on this podcast but it’s more something you kind of consume loosely, somewhere between background noise and a friend who you…you’re trying to follow their story but only for the key points, but they add way more than the key points.  You say, how’d it go with that meeting?  They say oh, which…the meeting this morning?  Oh, boy.  Well, let me tell you about breakfast, first.  You’re like well, I just wanted to know how it went in the meeting; good or bad?  But you can’t really say that ‘cause you’re friends, so you say mm, ‘kay.  Oh, wow, Frosted Flakes, eh?  Oh.  The frosting was off on your Frosted Flakes.  Oh, you only had frosted…that was Frosted Full of Flake Day.  Oh, and that reminds you of snow…okay.  Okay, what about…?  Oh, and then maybe you try to interject.  You say well, I was just…so, oh, the meeting, though.

 

Oh yeah, I’m getting to the meeting but yeah, and then I was…then I made…put them in a bowl.  But then I went in another room ‘cause I heard the TV was on.  I forgot to turn off the TV.  Then I started to watch a report that said smiling increases your likelihood to smile by 100%.  I wondered…I said, that’s good news, I guess.  Is that good news or is that a joke?  Then I shut it off.  Oh, the meeting, though.  Yeah, you were wondering about the meeting at work, because then…so, then I drove my car into work and parked as I normally do.  But oh, but you know, I do the car pool with everybody in the car pool, except Jacob that day…Jacob was working remotely.  I said, remote…your home…we live in a urban area.  It’s not remote.  You’re in a apartment building, Jacob.  I’d say, if you were on a tundra, that’s working remotely.

 

So, I don’t know if you have any friends like that, but that’s what I tend to be like, just give you a little sampling.  Oh, so I was gonna say don’t try to pay too close attention.  That’s one thing.  I was gonna…I was trying to be concise right up front.  Here’s the structure of the show; that’s one thing.  It starts off with a few minutes of business.  That’s how we keep the podcast free, make it twice a week.  There’s that.  What else was I gonna say?  I’m already mixed up.  Oh, starts off with business, then there’s the intro.  Now, the intro’s a little bit different ‘cause usually intros, you say well, what does it take, thirty minutes…thirty seconds…one minute to intro a podcast?  Unless it’s a really high concept.  I say well, mine’s more of a concept where it seems like somebody’s high; not me.  I don’t think I’m high-minded.  I mean, my brain probably has gotten too much altitude.  But so, what was I gonna say?

 

The intros, they take around twelve minutes, but it’s a show within a show.  Trust me, if you stick around and get to know it, you’ll know; hey, I love the intro or I might want to skip the intro.  Or like a lot of people, you’ll use the intro as the start to your wind-down routine.  You’ll brush your teeth, maybe you’ll put your socks on, take your socks off, put on your PJs, whatever it is that works; bring your pets or, like me, Koa, my dog.  What she likes to do, she has her dog bed and usually I let her go to the restroom outside, and then…in the great, natural restroom, and then she comes in and I say, ready for bed?  Then she’ll get in bed and then I’ll put a blanket on her and tuck her in.  It’s part of my wind-down…that’s her wind-down routine, [00:50:00] real quick.  Oh, but so, the intro is like a bit of meandering of me just trying to describe the podcast.  It’s a microcosm, I think, of the podcast.

 

It takes a while, but it’s part of the show and it’s part of the method, but you can skip it if you need to, and skip right to the story; maybe The Greatest Greeter.  I don’t know if that’ll be the story we tell, ‘cause I haven’t told it yet.  But I’m glad you’re here.  That’s one thing.  So, that’s the structure of the show.  There’s the intro, then a little business, then the bedtime story part which could be just about anything, and then the thank-yous.  There’s no pressure for you to listen or to fall asleep.  You don’t have to pay attention to me.  I hope I can be just interesting enough to take your mind off of stuff but meandering and harebrained is a way I’ve been described.  I say, harebrained, like H-A-I-R or H-A-R-E?  Because I’ll agree with you.  Either way, I’m just wondering just so I can wrap my brain around it, you know.  If I’m harebrained, I gotta wrap my brain and my mind around this whole harebrained thing.

 

That’s two different things to wrap my mind around, being hair or hare.  If it’s H-A-R-E, I gotta probably run after…I gotta say well, I gotta go catch that harebrained harebrain of mine.  That’s the structure of the show.  No pressure to listen, no pressure to fall asleep.  I’m gonna be here for an hour whether you’re awake or asleep and the thing is, I make this show all the way to the end ‘cause I know there’s a small portion of listeners that are here all the way to the end, or people that are temporarily really up.  I’m here to keep you company whether you’re awake or asleep.  I’m here to be at your bedside, trying to comfort you, trying to be your friend, your bore-friend, with friendly banter, as I said.  I’m not here to be the greatest greeter of all time.  I’m just here to be…you say well, that was a pretty good greeting you did, Scoots.  It was twelve minutes.  You could have said welcome to the store.  I said well, yeah.

 

They said, can you hand in your smock or whatever?  I said well, I really like this smock.  They said well, we don’t have…actually, our greeters are paid anyway.  You can’t be a voluntary greeter.  I said well, I…this is a homemade smock, actually.  I own it, so you can’t take it back.  They say well, actually, we own that branding, so technically…I said, oh boy.  But that was…that’s up for another…that’s a tale for another day, never to be told except to the superior…whatever, when they call me up and…what was I saying?  I’m here to keep you company, to be your friend.  That’s the structure of the show.  No pressure to fall asleep, no pressure to listen.  I make this show ‘cause I’ve been there.  This week, to be honest, I’ve really been baffled around my own sleeping, particularly last night.  I had one of those moments; not a super-intense moment, but where I didn’t want to know…it was too dark, I was wide awake.

 

I woke up, I wasn’t sleeping good.  Woke up and I didn’t even want to know what time it was unless I said well, I know it’s not raining.  I said, maybe the sun’s behind like, fifty clouds.  I said, it’s so dark that I really don’t want to know what time it is because now I’m debating should I just get up?  I was just awake.  I said, what in the heck?  I mean, I knew why I was awake.  I said well, I got a lot on my mind and stuff.  But that’s why I make this show is because it’d be nice, I thought, when I first…I said if there was someone there to say hey, it looks like you can’t sleep.  I’ll check what time it is.  I won’t even tell you.  I won’t even show you any body language so you could guess, but I’ll tell you about the tale of the time I went to buy a clock and I met the greatest greeter, ‘cause I’ll be here ‘cause I know you’re having trouble.  It looks like the stuff you had at…I saw you tossing and turning there.

 

Let me tuck you in just like you tuck in your puppy dog, Koa-poo.  Let me say I’m here to help and I’m here to take your mind off of the fact that you don’t want to know what time it is, or you don’t want to think about that stuff.  I’m gonna be here to tell you, ‘cause I was going to get a clock.  That person won’t be…that imaginary person within my brain won’t be telling you the story about The Greatest Greeter, but I will be.  I make this show ‘cause I’ve been there and I know how it feels, and I really, truly believe you deserve a good night’s sleep.  I work very, very hard on the show ‘cause I’d like to help you.  I yearn and I strive to help you fall asleep.  Thanks for giving me your time, and here’s a couple of ways we keep this show a-going.

 

Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing?  Trouble getting to sleep?  Trouble staying asleep?  Well, welcome.  This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  We do it with a bedtime story.  Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play, or alls you can choose to do.  You can do that…that’s just try…that’s my attempt at reassuring you, and this is my non-attempt at going off-topic.  Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press…I’m gonna do the rest.  What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts running…brain bots, I like to call them, which are these uni-functional thoughts, like thoughts about the past, thoughts about spreadsheets, thoughts about the mail.  Those are all different brain bots zooming around in there.  They don’t possess sleep modes.

 

I talk about this ever once in a while.  For me, that’s one of the things that keeps me awake.  I say, even if they’re not…they do chattering, a bit like…here’s a question, and this show’s…is BB-8…I always call BB-8 BB-88 just ‘cause I…for some reason, I like it.  It feels better in my mouth.  Not that I would ever put you in my mouth, BB-8, or 88.  But is BB-8 silent or does BB-8 make noise?  I can’t remember.  I’m not trying to…it’s not a criticism.  It’s just, you know, R-2 does a lot of bleeping and blorping.  Traditionally, droids were known for their noises.  Actually, as a compliment, BB-8, much like you’re coasting along in your spherical way.  That could be your book.  If you’re thinking about writing a book, BB-88, The Spherical Way: The Story of the Droid Everyone Thought was Cute But was Really A Deep Thinker and What’s Up with This Jedi Stuff, I got a whole droid version; The Spherical Way.  It’s not about the sphere on the inside.

 

It’s the sphere…I’m just trying to say sphere.  Then you could sing a song.  There’s a Tom Jones song; I think that’s who sings it.  It’s Not Unusual.  You could sing It’s Not Spherical to Be Round Like BB-8.  I could see you singing that, BB-8.  I don’t know why…I was just at the beginning of this podcast intro and I went right off the rails, but I think that could be…what if we book…do you dream of being…remember I interviewed…I know I interviewed 3PO I think recently, or maybe R-2.  I haven’t sat down and talked to you because I was…my belief is you’re silent.  I know you’re not because you talk to…who’s that handsome dude that I’m jealous of?  Yeah, no, no, Finn is super-cool and approachable, and handsome too.  Oh, that’s just an actor?  Oh, you’re fictional?  No, no, no, BB-8 is fictional.  BB-88, you’re part of my…you’re part of who I am.  I gotta get back to the new intro…I gotta get back to the intro though, BB-8.

 

I’ll be back, hopefully.  Yeah, we’ll talk about your life’s work, The Spherical Way.  What about…also, U2.  They have a song, She Moves in Mysterious Ways.  We could do BB-8, You Move in Spherical Ways.  I’ll figure out the syllables.  Don’t worry, I’m good at that when I set aside the time.  We can just…we could just work on it, ‘cause it could just be…’cause you could just say BB worked…moves in the…a spherical way.  Yeah, sorry, I didn’t mean to sing, but it’s early on.  Anyway, if you’re new; so, whatever’s keeping you awake, thoughts or people going off tangents on thoughts, feelings, like emotions bubbling up, like maybe BB-8 or BB-88 says well, where are my…where…when do the droids finally get…when the droids’ feelings get bubbled up?  I’d say well, I thought there was some sort…last time I got in one of those oil baths, there was some bubbling from C-3PO and I thought I said C-3PO, what, did you have some beans for lunch?

 

But that could have been C-3PO’s emotional bubbling.  But so, if feelings are bubbling up, physical sensations, maybe, like you said, when C-3PO…I don’t know, BB-88, have you ever had one of those oil baths?  That was in the first Star Wars: A New Hope.  Technically, the fourth Star Wars.  I know it’s confusing, even for me, and I don’t even have a microprocessor.  But it’s something.  I remember, they got dipped in that bath.  You said oh, boy, that feels good.  That would be the reverse of the…you say oof, that’s relaxing me.  That’s kinda what this podcast is supposed to do, is more distract you.  If you’re new, welcome.  Normally I don’t go off-topic [01:00:00] that fast.  Usually I just say whatever’s keeping you awake, thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, what I’m gonna do is send my voice across the deep, dark night.  Check; doing that.  Send my voice across…lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones.

 

They don’t work for everybody.  Here’s the thing; if they don’t work for you, you don’t need to let me know.  I’ve heard it all before.  But it’s for the people it works for, I’m here to try to help.  Give it a few tries and see how it goes.  Send my voice across…lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders; you’ve witnessed more than a few already.  Maybe that would be a…BB-8, I could loan that to you for a chapter in The Spherical Way; Pointless Meanders.  It seems like you could put it in quotes.  They say, what are you doing with Finn?  That’s a pointless meander, a side adventure.  You say no, actually, it isn’t.  It’s The Spherical Way.  It brings us all back…I don’t know, with The Spherical Way, is it more on the circumference or that…what is the thing in the middle?  Which time do we use Pi?  Is that to figure out your area or your circumference?  Okay, I’ll get back to…thanks.  Oh, that’s just for circles.  Oh, boy.

 

With a sphere, do we use Pi at all?  Oh, you don’t like to think about pies, clearly.  Oh, you use to dream about pies.  Oh, and when I say BB-88, it makes you think you’re a Pi of 88.  No, I’m thinking of a family of 88-Bs.  I wasn’t there on…I wasn’t in line with the first people like at a launch of a phone where they say well, I got BB-1.  BB-1 through 7, they were probably the founders of whatever, Corellian Enterprises Inc.  BB-8 somehow…somebody pulled some strings, said give us a number 8.  That looks great.  Who was that good-looking…who’s the good-looking pilot dude?  I forget his name because of repressed jealousy, but he probably smooth-talked it and said yeah, let me get BB-8, you know?  Me, I would be BB…I’d probably be a BZ-984O1QPM.  But BB-8 would…BB-88 would still be a really good model to have and hang with and for me to repeatedly say over and over again.  It just has a ring to it.  No offense, BB-8.

 

It’s just, that’s why it’d be good on a book cover; BB-8: The Spherical Way.  Oh, but I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, tangents, all to help you fall asleep, all to keep you company.  I know I went off-topic early, to distract you.  If you’re new, you’re still here, glad you stick around.  Give it a few tries.  A couple things about the show; don’t try to figure it out too hard.  You can, but usually on your first couple of listens, if you kind of just passively kick back, watch ZB-QBD8 zooming around in my brain.  That’s the brain bot in charge of spreadsheets.  Oh no, that’s the brain bot in charge of me learning how to use a spreadsheet.  That one’s always zooming…it says, when am I gonna get to…when are we gonna learn anything?  I say well, I learned how to sum up a column and then I say well, actually, what’s the difference between a column and a row?

 

Then if you’ve ever heard a droid sigh, you probably listen to this podcast or you have a droid listening with you.  Okay, so, oh, if you’re new, yeah, don’t try to figure this podcast out too much.  But you also don’t need to listen.  You could just kind of passively kick back and listen to me.  Other than the beginning of the show, that’s the important part to listen to ‘cause that’s how we keep it going.  That’s why the show starts off with a few minutes of business, then there’s an intro.  Intros are around twelve minutes.  They’re not really an intro so much as a show within a show.  Maybe I’ll change around what I call them, ‘cause sometimes people think the intro is twelve minutes of advertising.  It’s really just twelve minutes of nonsense.  It’s like a warm-up, a cool down.  A warm-down.  A cool-warm.  A warm-cool.  A oil bath.  It’s like a oil bath; you’re right, BB-8.  Thanks.

 

Am I gonna get writing credit on this book or just a percentage of gross?  Get a tiny percentage of net.  Okay, well, maybe not.  Maybe I’ll take that chapter back that I gave you.  Okay, so you don’t need to listen.  Oh, show starts…oh, structurally; the show starts off with business, then there’s a intro, more like a warm-up or a cool down.  Some listeners fall asleep, a few listeners skip the intro, however you wish to use it.  Then there’s gonna be a little business, then the story.  The story tonight is our ongoing episodically modular serial series, Nuns in Space: The Stan Chronicles which also contains a digital life form, BB-8, a sentient one.  I don’t have to…we don’t have time to talk philosophy.  We’ll cover that in A Spherical Way, right?  Let’s just tease that book, A Spherical Way, hitting bookstores and what…should we do it on my timeline or yours?  Oh, I just made BB-8 laugh, by the way.  That’s a pretty big deal.  Also, is it Quinn?

 

Is that who’s the famous person, or is that just…I’m just saying Quinn ‘cause it rhymes with Flint?  Oh, it’s Finn.  No, I was thinking of the other dude.  Yeah, the strapping one.  Not that Finn’s not strapping.  I’m not saying that.  I’m saying, you know, the guy with the really good hair.  Okay, BB-8’s sighing.  BB-8, you don’t whether to sigh or to laugh.  That’s another chapter; To Sigh or To Laugh, Chapter 18 of The Spherical Way.  I was in a desert.  It was a desert of my own making.  There you go.  Take it from there, BB-8.  I gotta finish this intro, though.  Okay, so you don’t need to listen to me.  Oh, show has…and then I’ll have a story, then some thank-yous at the end.  You don’t need to listen.  No pressure to fall asleep, either.  The reason the shows are about an hour is ‘cause I’m here to keep you company while you fall asleep at your leisure.

 

That’s why there’s three hundred shows at your fingertips, so you could listen in the middle of the night or back-to-back.  However you want.  I mean, the shows are made in a way for new people to listen to one episode at a time, but you can repurpose it however you want, ‘cause I’m here to just keep you company ‘cause I’ve been there and I know how it feels tossing and turning and not being able to get to sleep, so I’d like to take your mind off whatever’s keeping you awake and keep you company while you fall asleep whenever you feel like it.  Does that sound like a good deal?  I’m here to help or to try to help.  That doesn’t work for everybody, so give it a few tries.  But here’s the thing; I appreciate you coming by and giving me your time.  I work very hard because I strive and I yearn to help you fall asleep, alright?  Let’s hear a couple ways we keep this show going.

 

Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing?  Trouble getting to sleep?  Trouble staying asleep?  Well, welcome.  It’s Sleep With Me.  It’s time for Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  We do it with a bedtime story.  Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play.  I’m gonna do the rest.  What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake whether it’s thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, changes in time, temperature…when I’m recording this, it’s right…the Monday after…it’s the Monday after that time change thing where they say fallback.  Yeah, but it could be something; it could be travel, it could be you’re out of town, your partner is out of town.  Whatever’s keeping you awake, I’d like to take your mind off of that.  What did I almost say?  Mind but in a different way.

 

What I’m gonna do is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night.  I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, changes in tone.  My tones are a little bit deeper ‘cause I did a lot of talking this weekend and I fell back.  I think my voice fell down…I said well, for the next few…for the next…’til March, my voice is gonna fall down an octave.  I said, terrific.  It’s extra…Creaky, Dulcet Tones: the Rich Edition, kind of like those Hershey’s Special Dark.  You’d say okay, yeah, this is the creaky, dulcet…with 99% cacao or whatever they have on those labels.  It could be labels or something that keep a lot…but whatever’s keeping you awake, let’s label it and un-label it.  Especially…I made an episode where I hung out with a label-maker once.  Whatever’s keeping you awake, I’m here to keep you company.  That’s why I send my voice across the deep, dark night.

 

That’s why I have pointless meanders, superfluous tangents.  That’s why I go off-topic totally intentionally and why I say hey, let me give you the freedom…why I talk to myself in the third person and say, let me give you the freedom to go off-topic whenever you want, Scoots.  I say thanks, well, I’m gonna stay on-topic for now.  Thank you for throwing that at me because I want to talk to the new listeners here.  If you’re new, here’s a couple things to know; this is a podcast you don’t need to listen to.  Also has a super-long intro that you don’t have to listen to where I explain what the podcast is.  [01:10:00] But you’re…no pressure to listen, no pressure to fall asleep, either.  It’s a sleep podcast that I guess…that’s not irony.  It’s a deflation of pressure, ideally.  You don’t need to listen.  You don’t need to fall asleep.  I’m here to keep you company while you drift off, kinda like when a mime tries to hold a balloon down.

 

Any kids listening?  This might be a spoiler, or a mime…people that are 100% mime…their beliefs…they’ve suspended all disbelief around mimes.  You may want to pause it, but maybe not.  Also, if you have suspended 100% of your disbelief or you have 100%…a belief system based on the mystical power of mimes…also, if a lawyer…my lawyer is listening, let’s put that book title in the book queue; The Mystical Power of Mimes: A Five-Way Method.  Maybe I’ll do that as a podcast episode.  You want extra puns?  This would be that episode.  Hardy-har-har.  I can’t do too long ‘cause it would wake people up.  There probably has been a mime mystic at some point.  I guess it would be the object of projection, or would it be?  Intention or projection; that would be…that’s Step 4, Dynamics of…whatever I just said.

 

But what I was trying to make…I was…original metaphor I was going for was lost in all the other metaphors I came up with, but it was something about when a mime is holding a balloon — this was the spoiler part — but it’s…I don’t even know anything about the mechanics of miming.  That’ll be another book, for sure.  I’m gonna need somebody to write that for me.  But a lot of times, their balloons do not have helium in them.  I know, mind blown, right?  Also, Scoots gets…base your things on facts.  Great Eastern Mine Coalition…Mime Coalitions.  I could feel the silent typing going on right now at a non…invisible typewriter.  Okay, enough…yeah, okay.  But so, you know, it takes a lot of pressure to keep that imaginary balloon down.  I don’t know what you said a metaphor was, though.  I think it was like, oh, you don’t need to listen to me.  Yeah, there’s no pressure to listen or fall asleep ‘cause you have your own buoyancy.

 

Ideally, it’s your thoughts that a mime intention…I guess we are getting into the seminar territory but like, of keeping your thoughts down.  You know what I mean?  I’m not here to hold your thoughts down.  I’m not here to occupy your thoughts.  I’m here to be here to keep chattering, to ideally move onto a more fluid subject so you can drift away, you can float away.  ‘Cause you say…if you’ve ever looked at a mime’s forearms and biceps, particularly the mimes that live in my imagination which may be just a select group, their biceps and forearms, across the diversity of mimes that live within my mind…Mimes on the Mind for $500, Alec.  That’s another…one of my favorite Jeopardy categories ever.  They have really good forearms and bis because they’re not just…they’re not holding…they’re palming that balloon and they’re creating the pressure within their body, the illusion of pressure which I don’t want to do.

 

I guess I want to be here to keep you company.  Ideally kinda someone…you say well, I’m not…here’s…let’s bring it into a new metaphor, here.  Some people might say Scoots, those are a little bit too close to C-L-O-W-N-Ss for me.  I don’t enjoy them.  I say well, what if we went together?  We went down to the square or to the…our city recently.  We live in that great city that actually created its own mime district, the first mime district outside of Paris.  You know, some people will say well, I don’t know.  I say well, I’ll sit here at your side.  We’ll watch the performance and I won’t whisper to you because it would be impolite, unless there’s a chatter in the crowd.  But, you know, I’ll…I could touch my elbow to yours or you could be…you could feel my calming presence or maybe you could…maybe there’s some sort of communication.  Maybe we’re bore-twins, kind of like bore-besties.

 

I could send out some sympathetic vibrations where you say oh wow, suddenly my apprehension around M-I-M-E-Ss and being in an entire district, especially as one of the city planners who said, I don’t know about this mime district; I don’t know if…and you say well, it was the first.  That’s the key, by the way.  Also, you’ll have to name it after me, whatever city decides to do that.  But please name it after dear Scooter and not…but is…I’ll be there sitting at your side.  You said well, this is a little bit more soothing.  I said by the way, I have some brie cheese, I have some baguettes.  Not because they’re French-themed; just because those are good things to eat in a picnic-like setting.  You know, my other favorites is cold-fried chicken, of course.  I have that here.  Here’s the good thing about cold-fried chicken; totally quiet.  It’s perfect to eat while watching a mime.  So is brie ‘cause it’s a soft cheese.

 

This is a soft, pre-cut baguette, so we’re silently here.  In that case, I guess I’d be trying to silently soothe you and keep you company.  You’d say suddenly, this…the whole…then you say, this is a whole new…because we have a district of mimes, I would have never thought of this mime taking this take on mimedom.  I had always associated it with this narrow viewpoint of what a mime could be.  Now that I’m here calmly observing, I’m realizing the depth as she explores the human experience, her own identity, and you know, the cultural zeitgeist through silent body movements, and it’s entertaining, and I can sense a story here.  Whoa, but you know, I…what a new world.  Then you get a text that says by the way, after four days, we’ve determined the mime district is…not to go too hard into it, but silence is going to descend on it.  I don’t think…I think that…no, I don’t think that’s the right pun.  But you know what I mean?

 

I don’t know.  Maybe I took your mind off of stuff during that tangent, but it’s like, I can be here to keep you company.  That’s a goal of the show and that was ideally what that metaphor was trying to express, is you don’t need to listen to me.  You don’t need to feel pressure to fall asleep.  You don’t need to understand in this thing, this image I’m trying to share with you.  You say well, I don’t know, is it…why is the person pulling…?  What are they pulling down from the upper atmosphere?  Maybe it’s a…it would be cool; I bet you a mime’s doing that.  But it’s a satellite.  That mime is repairing satellites and sending…oh, and oh, stroking that planet and smoothing the moon out.  Oh, that’s amazing.  I don’t know, the podcast is here to keep you company, to take your mind off of stuff.  Normally, I don’t go so deep and get lost in my own metaphors, but sometimes I do and I’d say you know, city planners out there, think about it.

 

Think about it.  Maybe just…I’m sure there’s mime festivals.  I mean, you could…I don’t want to speak for the mimes ‘cause I really don’t have anything to do with them other than making a bunch of assumptions.  Just put up some signs that say hey, this is the mime district.  Maybe not.  Okay.  My internal mime says that no, we need…I said okay, well, we’ll work it out.  Oh, wait a second, they’re setting up their own…I said great, I’m gonna have a mime district within me, the first prototype.  Oh, they just sent me a note.  I think I was watching them write it.  It said please don’t…you need to…something about me being silent.  But in reality, the podcast is here to silence your thoughts or give you an alternative story to listen to that doesn’t make a lot of sense, kinda goes off-topic and things and keeps you company as you drift off, because I’ve been there and I know how it feels at 2:00, 3:00, 1:00 in the morning, even at 10:30 when you’re trying to get to sleep for something you gotta be up for, or on a plane or whatever.

 

I’m here to help and this is a way I can do it.  It doesn’t work for everybody.  This show is a little bit different, but give it a few tries.  That’s what almost every listener that has…I’ve heard from says; it took me two or three tries to understand that you’re a person with their…an entire district related to mimes and you really don’t know any facts about mimes within you, and that’s a real thing, and I respect that.  I’m glad that you could utilize it to take my mind off of stuff and put me to sleep.  That’s the letter I’ll be sending myself later; Dear Scooter, [01:20:00] it’s me, you.  I was here to talk to you about the recent intro.  Thank you on behalf…but anyway, I’m here to help.  That’s what my main thing is.  Give it a few tries, see how it goes.  Yeah.  That’s it.  I’m glad you’re here.  I work very hard, I yearn and I strive to help you fall asleep and let’s get on with the show.  This is a couple ways we keep this show going.

 

[END OF RECORDING]

(www.leahtranscribes.com)