Well Met | Alba Salix S1E1 | Listener Fav #868

Crossover

 

Pamplona

https://time.com/5628234/pamplona-bull-run-history/

https://www.thoughtco.com/running-of-the-bulls-4766650

https://www.runningofthebulls.com/history-of-the-bulls/

 

Alba Salix

https://albasalix.com/

 

Breakdancing

https://www.redbull.com/us-en/history-of-breakdancing

https://csdt.org/culture/breakdancer/origins.html

https://www.teamusa.com/news/2023/november/04/the-history-of-breaking

 

Hemlock

https://extension.psu.edu/poison-hemlock-facts-about-this-early-season-weed

https://www.chesapeakebay.net/discover/field-guide/entry/eastern-hemlock

https://www.arborday.org/programs/nationaltree/hemlock.cfm

 

DOWN TO BUSINESS

I’m here so you don’t feel alone

 

Deep Dark Night United

Susie (Zocdoc)

 

PLUGS

Alba Salix; NYC Mesh; Sean Casey Animal Rescue; Hand in Hand; The Midnight Mission; Trevor Project; Sleep With Me Plus; SleepPhones; Rusty Biscuit Links; Emily Tat Artwork; NAPAWF; Anti-Racism Resources; Ukraine Relief; Crisis Textline

 

SPONSORS

Helix Sleep; Polysleep; Odoo; Air Doctor Pro; Zocdoc; Progressive 

 

INTRO

Feelings drifting in and out

I’m normally good about drinking too much coffee early in the day

Learn from my mistakes, just use one cup to drink your too much coffee

Have I ever said “utterance” before?

My (maybe vegan) Ice cream shop called Udder Delight

It’s not milk-based ice cream

It’s been a while since I spun up the old resume

Now there’s so many obscure ice cream flavors

Shades of Pamplona

I just love saying Pamplona

You consume in a nearly-passive way

A Passerby Podcast

It’s too much pressure for me to have face buskers or really anybody on the street

I’ll be your borecousin or your borecuz

Passing By Into the Arms of Morpheus

If I was good at getting the point, I have the Pointcast

Pointy Potpourri is one of our sponsors

Famous Pointers of all kinds

Crossing over with Alba Salix

I totally get it when people get that Oscar the Grouch feeling

 

STORY

Good morning Millie

Mummy and Daddy can’t afford unicorns this year

His majesty is still in bed

The silent sound of our tea set crashing to the floor?

What happened to Gunther’s hair? It’s all yarn!

Get Alba in here!

Episode the 1st

Bubble Bubble Toil and Trouble

Ground and Dried Catnip

Alba’s a bit busy right now

A touch of the old rumor-spreading

Copper bracelets aren’t working anymore

A centaur comes in for some back pain

Cloppity Cloppity Cloppity Clop

The Dancing Monks are performing at the palace tonight

Alba isn’t interested in these breakdancing monks

Chiropractice isn’t covered for centaurs

They’ve got twice the vertebrae and 2 ribcages

For the love of my tail!

Take it up with Balthig

Back to her cauldron

Someone has the hiccups

Is it a laundry pin or laundry pen?

Good news, you won’t have to wear that clothespin on your finger for years

That teddy bear can really give a back rub

It’s supposed to rain tomorrow

Alba is a sorceress

Jerome is wasting Alba’s time

Just drink this, Jerome

His majesty requests Alba Salix’s presence at the palace

Alba is on the way

Thank you, Balthig the Teddy Bear

The sound of us exchanging funds

Alba enters

Gunther had tried out a new hair tonic

Why is the King’s hair yarn?

Alba’s tonic wouldn’t have done this 

The yarn look is very in

Muppet Chic

Cut to the dancing monks

Practicing their breakdancing

Brother Magnus doesn’t have the energy or attitude to pursue dance

Magnus doesn’t want to be a healer

Father Lang meets Alba Salix

Lang wants Magnus to be Alba’s apprentice

Magnus can’t believe Alba is the royal physician

Gunther and Maribel consult

Maribel is Alba’s sister

Maribel might have some powers too

Gunther and Maribel start to smooch

Maybe the kissing will work if she kisses each strand of yarn separately

No, this won’t work

Summon Krankle

Krankle loves the meadow

Hello, beautiful natural world!

Who in the heck is talking with Alba right now?

Alba doesn’t want this person’s advice

Try the silverbark over there

This stranger might be an expert herbalist

This person is totally lost

Working through the naive fungi of Feloria

Fairly Fluent in Fairy Physiology

Oh, this person is a fairy!

Do not touch my favorite basket!

That sounds like wicker cracking in half

Tinctures are shattering on the ground!

Krankle, The Sorcerer General, goes to meet Gunther

Is there any more of the tonic?

Krankle will need time to make a suitable remedy

Krankle doesn’t like Alba

That fairy really got under Alba’s skin

Back to the cauldron

The fairy wants to set things right

Alba doesn’t want the fairy here

Is it a glazer or a glazier?

Why did the fairy break the window??

That was organized in the Kondo method!

This cupboard doesn’t make sense anymore

The fairy doesn’t think alphabetical order makes any sense

My favorite rhubarb is Donkey Rhubarb

Cheerful Cheveril

Dog Celery

A dog named celery

Fennel Carrot

Big Bad Bamboo

The Gordian Knotweed

Creep Coriander Creeps Horizontally

Why aren’t you laughing at anything I say, Alba?

Diabo May Carraway

Kiwi Quinoa

Benjamin Buckwheat

The Tale of Benjamin Buckwheat

This fairy won’t stop talking

I’m about to hollow out a holly, if you know what I mean

This day is not turning out wonderful

Re-organize my cupboard. Now

Gunther really needs Alba’s help

Gunther, try this tincture

The yarn should come off instantaneously

Fairy meets the King

The yarn makes you and you make the yarn

The tincture doesn’t work

The fairy brings some silverbark to try

Holly, the Fairy

Holly’s tincture works

Yarn is falling off the King’s head

The yarn is turning to feathers

Great, Alba’s entire place is covered in feathers

The king likes Holly

Holly can help get rid of these feathers

Can we make royal pillows out of these feathers?

Could these feathers be in line for the throne?

Time for the Monk Dance Show

The Dancing Monks from the Order of Teddy Bear Mountain

Krankle checks in on the royals

Krankle is suspicious of Holly the Fairy

Dancing Monks offer the Golden Sunflower Windmill Technique

How dangerous could this dancing be?

The School of Alfonso Ribeiro

Magnus is going against the dance orders

P-H-A-T

Magnus is dancing near the tentpoles

Should we call the guards in?

Magnus pulled down the tent and skinned his knees

Let’s take an intermission in the performance

Holly and Alba are looking for new ingredients

Alba, help this poor boy who skinned his knees

Father Lang wants to leave Magnus in Alba’s care

HIs skinned knees won’t be any good for their new knee dancing routine

Magnus has some real patriarchy issues

Peroxide of Hydrogen issues

Magnus is just a big splainer

We’ll put some puffy bandages on Magnus’s knees

Magnus has a great interest in dark magic

Magnus would prefer a different bandage, preferably with a superhero printed on them

Who’s the physician here, after all?

Alba is the queen’s sister

Wait a second, wasn’t Alba supposed to marry the king??

Is Alba one of those Sith lordesses?

Alba and Holly meet in the pantry

Is Alba going to poison Magnus with hemlock?????

Holly won’t let this happen

Alba, are you evil??

Alba can make both good and bad choices

Alba hands the hemlock over to Holly

Brother Magnus is being tried

The court finds Magnus guilty of terrible dancing and making a mess

Sentenced to 6,000 hours of community service, to be served under Alba Salix

Magnus and Alba return to the house of healing

 

REVIEW (Apple) THANKS (Old)

Terry and Julianne; IODR20; Malloryzzzzzz; A Certain Age; Xena658 (UK); Stef (Australia); Marge; Talk Blue; Chee Gee Bee; Kimmy Cricket

 

SUMMARY:

Episode: 868

Title: Alba Salix Crossover

Deep Dark Night United: Susie (Zocdoc)

Plugs: Alba Salix; NYC Mesh; Sean Casey Animal Rescue; Hand in Hand; The Midnight Mission; Trevor Project; Sleep With Me Plus; SleepPhones; Rusty Biscuit Links; Emily Tat Artwork; NAPAWF; Anti-Racism Resources; Ukraine Relief; Crisis Textline

Sponsors: Helix Sleep; Polysleep; Odoo; Air Doctor Pro; Zocdoc; Progressive 

Review (Apple) Thanks (Old): Terry and Julianne; IODR20; Malloryzzzzzz; A Certain Age; Xena658 (UK); Stef (Australia); Marge; Talk Blue; Chee Gee Bee; Kimmy Cricket

Notable Language:

• Utterance / Udderance
• Udder Delight
• Milk-Based Ice Cream (MBIC)
• Shades of Pamplona
• Passerby Podcast
• Pointy Potpourri
• The Dancing Monks
• Muppet Chic
• W-I-T-C-H
• Expert Herbalist
• Fairly Fluent in Fairy Physiology
• Donkey Rhubarb
• Kiwi Quinoa
• A Big Splainer
• Sith Lordess

 

Notable Culture:

• Alba Salix, Royal Physician podcast

• • Udder Delight
  • Pamplona
  • Pointcast
  • Raggedy Anne
  • Anne of Green Gables
  • The Muppets
  • Marie Kondo
  • The Gordian Knot

• The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

• • Alfonso Ribeiro

• Star Wars

 

Notable Talking Points:

• Feelings drifting in and out
• I’m normally good about drinking too much coffee early in the day
• Learn from my mistakes, just use one cup to drink your too much coffee
• Have I ever said “utterance” before?
• My (maybe vegan) Ice cream shop called Udder Delight
• It’s not milk-based ice cream
• It’s been a while since I spun up the old resume
• Now there’s so many obscure ice cream flavors
• Shades of Pamplona
• I just love saying Pamplona
• You consume in a nearly-passive way
• A Passerby Podcast
• It’s too much pressure for me to have face buskers or really anybody on the street
• I’ll be your borecousin or your borecuz
• Passing By Into the Arms of Morpheus
• If I was good at getting the point, I have the Pointcast
• Pointy Potpourri is one of our sponsors
• Famous Pointers of all kinds
• Crossing over with Alba Salix
• I totally get it when people get that Oscar the Grouch feeling
• Good morning Millie
• Mummy and Daddy can’t afford unicorns this year
• His majesty is still in bed
• The silent sound of our tea set crashing to the floor?
• What happened to Gunther’s hair? It’s all yarn!
• Get Alba in here!
• Episode the 1st
• Bubble Bubble Toil and Trouble
• Ground and Dried Catnip
• Alba’s a bit busy right now
• A touch of the old rumor-spreading
• Copper bracelets aren’t working anymore
• A centaur comes in for some back pain
• Cloppity Cloppity Cloppity Clop
• The Dancing Monks are performing at the palace tonight
• Alba isn’t interested in these breakdancing monks
• Chiropractice isn’t covered for centaurs
• They’ve got twice the vertebrae and 2 ribcages
• For the love of my tail!
• Take it up with Balthig
• Back to her cauldron
• Someone has the hiccups
• Is it a laundry pin or laundry pen?
• Good news, you won’t have to wear that clothespin on your finger for years
• That teddy bear can really give a back rub
• It’s supposed to rain tomorrow
• Alba is a sorceress
• Jerome is wasting Alba’s time
• Just drink this, Jerome
• His majesty requests Alba Salix’s presence at the palace
• Alba is on the way
• Thank you, Balthig the Teddy Bear
• The sound of us exchanging funds
• Alba enters
• Gunther had tried out a new hair tonic
• Why is the King’s hair yarn?
• Alba’s tonic wouldn’t have done this 
• The yarn look is very in
• Muppet Chic
• Cut to the dancing monks
• Practicing their breakdancing
• Brother Magnus doesn’t have the energy or attitude to pursue dance
• Magnus doesn’t want to be a healer
• Father Lang meets Alba Salix
• Lang wants Magnus to be Alba’s apprentice
• Magnus can’t believe Alba is the royal physician
• Gunther and Maribel consult
• Maribel is Alba’s sister
• Maribel might have some powers too
• Gunther and Maribel start to smooch
• Maybe the kissing will work if she kisses each strand of yarn separately
• No, this won’t work
• Summon Krankle
• Krankle loves the meadow
• Hello, beautiful natural world!
• Who in the heck is talking with Alba right now?
• Alba doesn’t want this person’s advice
• Try the silverbark over there
• This stranger might be an expert herbalist
• This person is totally lost
• Working through the naive fungi of Feloria
• Fairly Fluent in Fairy Physiology
• Oh, this person is a fairy!
• Do not touch my favorite basket!
• That sounds like wicker cracking in half
• Tinctures are shattering on the ground!
• Krankle, The Sorcerer General, goes to meet Gunther
• Is there any more of the tonic?
• Krankle will need time to make a suitable remedy
• Krankle doesn’t like Alba
• That fairy really got under Alba’s skin
• Back to the cauldron
• The fairy wants to set things right
• Alba doesn’t want the fairy here
• Is it a glazer or a glazier?
• Why did the fairy break the window??
• That was organized in the Kondo method!
• This cupboard doesn’t make sense anymore
• The fairy doesn’t think alphabetical order makes any sense
• My favorite rhubarb is Donkey Rhubarb
• Cheerful Cheveril
• Dog Celery
• A dog named celery
• Fennel Carrot
• Big Bad Bamboo
• The Gordian Knotweed
• Creep Coriander Creeps Horizontally
• Why aren’t you laughing at anything I say, Alba?
• Diabo May Carraway
• Kiwi Quinoa
• Benjamin Buckwheat
• The Tale of Benjamin Buckwheat
• This fairy won’t stop talking
• I’m about to hollow out a holly, if you know what I mean
• This day is not turning out wonderful
• Re-organize my cupboard. Now
• Gunther really needs Alba’s help
• Gunther, try this tincture
• The yarn should come off instantaneously
• Fairy meets the King
• The yarn makes you and you make the yarn
• The tincture doesn’t work
• The fairy brings some silverbark to try
• Holly, the Fairy
• Holly’s tincture works
• Yarn is falling off the King’s head
• The yarn is turning to feathers
• Great, Alba’s entire place is covered in feathers
• The king likes Holly
• Holly can help get rid of these feathers
• Can we make royal pillows out of these feathers?
• Could these feathers be in line for the throne?
• Time for the Monk Dance Show
• The Dancing Monks from the Order of Teddy Bear Mountain
• Krankle checks in on the royals
• Krankle is suspicious of Holly the Fairy
• Dancing Monks offer the Golden Sunflower Windmill Technique
• How dangerous could this dancing be?
• The School of Alfonso Ribeiro
• Magnus is going against the dance orders
• P-H-A-T
• Magnus is dancing near the tentpoles
• Should we call the guards in?
• Magnus pulled down the tent and skinned his knees
• Let’s take an intermission in the performance
• Holly and Alba are looking for new ingredients
• Alba, help this poor boy who skinned his knees
• Father Lang wants to leave Magnus in Alba’s care
• HIs skinned knees won’t be any good for their new knee dancing routine
• Magnus has some real patriarchy issues
• Peroxide of Hydrogen issues
• Magnus is just a big splainer
• We’ll put some puffy bandages on Magnus’s knees
• Magnus has a great interest in dark magic
• Magnus would prefer a different bandage, preferably with a superhero printed on them
• Who’s the physician here, after all?
• Alba is the queen’s sister
• Wait a second, wasn’t Alba supposed to marry the king??
• Is Alba one of those Sith lordesses?
• Alba and Holly meet in the pantry
• Is Alba going to poison Magnus with hemlock?????
• Holly won’t let this happen
• Alba, are you evil??
• Alba can make both good and bad choices
• Alba hands the hemlock over to Holly
• Brother Magnus is being tried
• The court finds Magnus guilty of terrible dancing and making a mess
• Sentenced to 6,000 hours of community service, to be served under Alba Salix
• Magnus and Alba return to the house of healing

Well Met | Alba Salix S1E1 | Listener Fav #868

 

[START OF RECORDING]

 

SCOOTER: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and friends beyond the binary, it’s time for the podcaster who…I forgot what I was gonna say, but now I know; this…it’s time for the podcast that’s here to help you feel less alone in the deep, dark night, to take your mind off of stuff, to be very silly in a second, and to go off topic. It’s time for Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. This is a special crossover episode with my friends over at Alba Salix, Royal Physician. So, if you want to hear the original version of this podcast, the link to it is gonna be in the show notes, or you could search A-L-B-A S-A-L-I-X, Alba Salix, in your podcast app of choice. Here’s a couple of ways we’re able to keep this podcast free for everybody. Thanks.

 

Hey everybody, Scoots here. This is a…the start…this is Episode 1 of a crossover with Alba…the podcast Alba Salix, and I’ve got great news. We’ve been working on this for years now, and it’s only because of people that are willing to support the show directly or support our sponsors that we’re able to do something really cool, which is we’re gonna do an entire season and then also Season 2 and Season 3 in the future of a crossover with Alba Salix where we’re able to compensate Alba Salix for using their content and give you the opportunity not just to check out one audio fiction podcast, but you could check out more once you get going listening to Alba Salix during the day.

 

Hopefully you’ll discover more and more of the joys of listening to audio fiction. So, yeah, thanks everybody who supports the show on Sleep With Me+ or supports the sponsors or does anything else to support the podcast, 'cause this is what you make possible, that Sleep With Me continues, continues to be able to put people to sleep, is able to support other creative people in a small way, and is able to try to find new ways to kinda say, what is a sleep podcast bedtime story for grown-ups in the deep, dark night? So, thank you so much, and here’s past Scoots. Take it away, Scoots.

 

[INTRO]: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake. It could be thoughts, things on your mind you’re thinking about in the past or present or future, feelings, like any emotions coming up for you whether they’re related to thoughts or they’re just there, or they’re around. They’re drifting in and out; that happens to me…physical sensations, it could be changes in routine or…whatever it is, it’s not easy sleeping for a lot of us.

 

So, whether it’s something external or internal or you’re not sure, like me…I’m usually baffled when I can’t sleep. It’s very rare that I can just put it on one thing, and if I could, I would…other than having too many cups of coffee, which I normally am pretty good about. Well, not about…I have too many cups, but I stop drinking them at like, 11:00. Also, here’s…well, we’ll get into pro tips later, but if you’re gonna have too many cups of coffee, use the same cup. Don’t try to have too many cups of coffee at the same time. Learn from my mistakes. Also, don’t walk around your apartment carrying too many cups of coffee, ‘cause that just…I’ve tested these things out so you don’t need to.

 

But what I’m gonna do here…like I said, I’m gonna try and create a safe place and send it your way or invite you in, whichever’s more comfortable for you. I’m gonna be like a friend near your bedside, in your general vicinity, and what I’ll do is I’ll send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’ll use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders…oh boy, are my…you say, does he…? He meanders without…and he never gets to a point. I say, thank you so much for the kind words. Thanks for getting me. Pointless meanders, superfluous tangents, extra…so many extra words or sounds. They’re more sounds than words. Utterances…I don’t know, have I ever used ‘utterances’ in there? It makes me wanna make jokes about udders, but I know I did that in the last two or three hundred episodes.

 

I talked about…so, probably been a hundred episodes. Maybe it was two episodes ago that I talked about my fake resume and that I started a ice cream business called Udder Delight. Then I thought well, maybe it would be a vegan ice cream business, right? Did I think about that the last time I brought it up, or was that just in my regular thinking? Was that when I was professionally meandering or just my normal day-to-day hobbyist meandering? But that would be the thing; you say well, this ice cream is udder delight because the udders are delighted because they don’t have to deal…you get it, right? Whatever, it’s not milk-based ice cream. You say, we got it, Scoots, the first time you said it. It could be cream-based, and you’d say well, it’s delightful. It’s utterly delightful.

 

I’d say, well, thanks for listening to my utterances about udders or utter…businesses using the term ‘udder’…it didn’t work out. It was just a fake resume anyway. So, oh, so if you’re new, holy…I may have thrown you off. I’m the type of person…a hobbyist, meanderer, and thinks it’s funny to make fake resumes, which I still think is funny even though I don’t…I wouldn’t know the structure of a resume now. It’s been a while since I’ve spun up the old fake resume. Maybe that could be a episode one day. I think I probably did one about that. Okay so, where was I? If you’re new, I went off-topic early. I’ll be going off-topic again. It won’t be long, ‘cause I already had something I had talked about and then I forgot about minutes ago, before utterances came up. Didn’t I say another thing…? I don’t know. But so, I’m glad you’re here.

 

I’m here to keep you company as you fall asleep. So, a couple of things to know if you’re new; if you’re skeptical or doubtful or ambivalent or feeling a little angst, that’s totally understandable. This podcast, one…not for everybody. Two; very different, three; extra-strange and very odd. So, I’m gonna give you some information, but…so, that’s totally…you say, what is this thing? I’m not sure if I like it. I say, just like…that’s what we say at Udder Delight. We say, the first time you might not be sure, especially about our more obscure flavors like…I don’t know, I was trying to think of a obscure flavor that’s…fits bedtime that you can’t already get, ‘cause now there’s so many obscure ice cream flavors. Maybe we’d name ours…I was thinking of…I wanted to say something, something, Pamplona.

 

I don't know why I thought of that, but you’d say, the Shades of Pamplona…you say, well, what does that even taste like? I say, well, what I feel like…well, I haven’t been to Pamplona. I actually know nothing about it other than it sounds great on my mouth. This ice cream…well, maybe that’s the way we do it. We just say…well, I love saying ‘Pamplona’ because it’s just a nice word to say. Pamplona. You could say it while you’re lying in bed. Just…Pamplona. See? It’s not…Pamplona. That’s what…but oh, I’m talking to new listeners. Sorry about that, the rest of my parts of my brain that I was giving attention to. So, if you’re skeptical or doubtful, totally understandable.

 

I mean, if someone says they’re gonna put you to sleep and then they start talking about fake resumes and vegan ice cream businesses and making udder-related references, you say, I’m utterly confused with two T’s and not two D’s. Your utterances are utterly…I’d say, okay, that’s fair enough. I get it. That’s a very common reaction. In fact, most regular listeners say it takes two or three tries to get used to the show. But I also want to run through a few things that could throw you off if you’re new. One, this is not a podcast to really be listened to. You can listen, but you could also barely listen or moderately listen or listen to it for a little while and then…you know what I’m saying? It’s kind of a podcast you consume in a nearly-passive way. Not totally passive. You’d say, this is like a passerby podcast.

 

You say, well, I don’t even know what that means. I say, well, I’m trying to think of what it means. Give me a second. You say, well, yeah, most podcasts, you’re not a passerby. You’re in there. It’s in your ears and…this one, you could walk…if someone was playing a guitar or mandolin or banjo or ukulele or ukulele or kazoo out on their porch and you were walking by, I mean, that would be an awkward situation. You could stop and listen. For me it would be awkward ‘cause I say, well, do I have to make eye…do I have to talk to the person? Should you talk to someone while they’re playing a musical instrument, particularly a kazoo? Probably not. Do I make eye contact with them? Then you’re committed to something when you stop, and you’re actively engaged. This podcast, oh no, no, no, don’t gotta do that.

 

None of that kind of pressure. You heard how I folded under that pressure, and maybe you could relate to that. You say, yeah, I’m not emotionally equipped to deal with buskers or people just playing music for joyful reasons. I mean, as long as it’s at a distance, I would be fine, but getting too close and having to interact with them? Too much for me. I’ll pass. I’d prefer to be a passerby and listen, enjoy it as it comes, and enjoy it as it goes. That’s kind of how you consume Sleep With Me, maybe. So, it’s a podcast you don’t need to listen to, but you can, and it’s a podcast that really doesn’t put you to sleep. It’s one of the few sleep podcasts that claims it doesn’t put you to sleep.

 

It’s more here to keep you company while you drift off, and that’s the reason the episodes are about an hour, is I’m here to be your bore-bae, your bore-bud, your bore-sib, your bore-cousin, your bore-cuz, your bore-bestie, your bore-bruh, whatever you want to call it. I’m here to be at your bedside talking and taking your mind off of stuff as you drift off as we pass by, and then you kind of keep passing by into the arms of Morpheus. There’s one more piece to that that is if you can’t sleep, I’m gonna be here to the very end. I’m committed to you. I’m committed to taking your mind off of stuff the whole time. So, I’ll be here to the very end. So, for those of you that can’t sleep or need this podcast during the day, I’m here for you, okay? I want you to know that. So, those are the important things to know.

 

If you’re new, the other thing that can throw people off…I guess I always talk about this, but I don’t think I can…I try to give you a heads up, but usually the people it throws off, there’s not much I could do…is the show is very different structurally. It starts off with a greeting, then there’s business, and believe it or not, it does take a lot to put the show out, working and all that. So, the business is what enables us to keep the podcast free here for you twice a week. But if you’re new, really not important at all. Then there’s an intro which also throws a lot of people off. The intro is somewhere around twelve to twenty minutes of me talking about the podcast and kinda introducing it. You say, well, can’t you do that in a more straightforward, efficient way?

 

I’d say, you’re thinking like somebody that plays a kazoo for an audience. This podcast is not meant to be consumed so much in that way. Plus, I don’t know if I’d be good at…I don’t know if I’m good at getting to the…if I did, I’d have the Get To The Point Cast, the podcast about points and pointillism and pointed things. We cover it all; counterpoints, points, all those things. You say, is that really a show? Oh, yeah. So, we talk about pointillism usually first, then pointy stuff. That’s kind of our potpourri section. Even pointy potpourri, we…actually, that’s one of our sponsors. Pointing your way to good smells; pointy potpourri. It’s pointy for people that like pointy stuff that smells good. Pointy potpourri.

 

Then, the last half of the show, we have pointed things we talk about, or point…sometimes it’s poignant, but it’s always pointed here on the Pointy Cast. Then usually at the end we have a bonus thing about pointers; you know, dogs and also maybe famous moments of pointing in history. So, I guess that show wasn’t to the point either, but…so, you could see where I’m not good at that. But the real reason the intro is twelve to eighteen minutes to twenty minutes is because I want to give you time to ease into bedtime. There’s so much expectations or there’s this idea that you just fall asleep, and for me and hundreds of thousands of listeners that I’ve interacted with, that just doesn't…it doesn’t work that way.

 

So, I found that the intro works to give you a nice, long runway into sleep, whether you start listening as you’re getting ready for bed or as you’re in bed getting comfortable or as you need a break during your day. The intro just kind of slowly lowers the volume of the day. I guess that’s what I’m saying. So, that’s why, really, I ramble for so long, is to help you drift away. Then I’ll talk…tonight it’ll be our crossover episode with Alba Salix, Royal Physician. So, this’ll be really fun. Holy holly, is it gonna be a good time, and very sleepy. So, I’m excited about that, and then our show ends with some thank-yous and goodnights. So, that’s the structure of the show. I’m trying to think of what else. Yeah, I don’t know. I think that’s it. I mean, I make the show because I believe you do deserve a good night’s sleep.

 

You deserve a safe place of respite and distraction where you could get comfortable and get some rest. I’ve had so many struggles with sleep and dreading bedtime, and I’d like to improve that for you if I can. I can’t do it for everybody. I wish I could, because if you get a good night’s sleep, the world’s gonna be a better place. It’s gonna be a little bit better for you and a little bit better for everybody else. So, that’s why I make this show, is I believe in it and I believe in you getting some sleep. I believe in you not listening to me soon. Either way…I mean, let’s be honest, either way that’s gonna happen, right? Give it a few tries and see how it goes. Then if you give it a few tries and it works good, you won’t be listening to me in good way, and if it doesn’t work for you, hopefully you just…you say, well, let me try some other stuff.

 

There is a percentage of people that let me know how strongly they feel about…but you know, that’s just being human and being tired. Why not? Some people get that Oscar-type feel. Oscar the Grouch, I mean. So, totally understand it. I was a bit cranky today, too, and now I get to be here putting you to sleep, and I feel good. So, I think that’s it. I’m glad you’re here. I really work hard and I strive to help you fall asleep. I appreciate you coming by, and here’s a couple of ways we’re able to keep this podcast free for you and everybody else. Thanks. Good morning, Millie. Good morning to you, Your Majesty. Tea? Yes, please. Beautiful day out today. The girls are off to the riding lesson. Yes, though it took a bit of doing. Wilhelmina is still unhappy they don’t have unicorns. Well, mommy and daddy can’t afford unicorns this year.

 

Where is Gunther, anyway? His Majesty’s still in bed, I think. [YAWNING] No, I’m just barely waking up. Almost awake, almost. I swear it must be something in the tonic Alba gave me for my…is that the sound of our silent tea set crashing to the floor silently? Oh, my word, Your Majesty. Millie, that is the queen’s favorite tea set of mine, the queen. You do better take care…look at what you’ve…Gunther, what is it? Parabel, what’s the matter? Your hair, Gunther. What about my hair? I’m just barely…do I have bedhead or something? It’s all yarn. Look in the mirror. Oh, for heaven’s sake, get Alba in here. [CLEARING THROAT] By appointment to the king and queen, Alba Salix, Royal Physician. Episode the First; Well Met. Renaissance music is so nice to hear right now. You’re hearing it in your mind.

 

Bubble, bubble, bubble, toil and trouble. I mean, look here, plus…Page 42. Oh, that’s 24. Grind and add seven leaves dried catnip…is that per dose or the whole cauldron, I wonder? Oh, my door; Alba. Hi, Jerome. I was wondering if you could help me out. I’m a bit busy this afternoon. Oh, I understand. It won’t take long. I’m just having a touch of the old rumor-spreading again. You know, where I constantly spread rumors about people. I need a potion to put a stop to it. Mm-hm, mm-hm. I was wondering if there was anything you’d recommend for it. The copper bracelet’s not working anymore? Nope. I tried copper rings and a copper neck brace too, but it’s just not doing the trick. I was wondering if you had a potion for it to get me to stop spreading these rumors. I’ve got three orders to fill right now, Jerome. Not to hurry…I can wait.

 

Cloppity, cloppity, cloppity, clop. Excuse me for a moment. Can I help you? Yes, I must see someone about my back. You’re in luck; our visiting chiropractor Balthig the Teddy Bear is in today. Have you seen him before? No, I have not. Alright, well, you’ll need to fill out this patient information form. Certainly. Cloppity, cloppity, cloppity, clop. Boy, a centaur. Don’t get many of them around, eh? No, we don’t. Tall fellow, he is. He certainly is. So, are you coming to the palace tonight? The palace? To see the show. The dancing monks are in town. They’re doing all their dances, and they astonish people with all of their moves; aerobatic dancing, break-dancing. I don’t even know what break-dancing is, Alba. Not interested.

 

I really don’t need to see a bunch of bald dancing monks jumping around and breaking things or whatever break-dancers do. But Alba, they break-dance on cardboard. I don’t know why. I think it’s so it’s smoother. They’re doing a great dance-off. They only perform it once publicly every eight years. Very exciting. Yeah, very exciting. Seen it before. Cloppity, cloppity, cloppity, clop. Hold on, then. What’s this about a consultation fee? I’m afraid chiropractic isn’t covered for centaurs or centaurs or centaurs or whatever it is…however you pronounce your name. Now, how is that fair? Let me see, you’ve got twice the vertebrae and two rib cages. Oh, my word, my…for the love of my tail. I don’t set the prices. You’ll have to take it up with Balthig. He’s right through there. I believe I will. Cloppity, cloppity, cloppity.

 

Door close…now, where was I? Okay, one penny weight of powdered parchment leaf…bring to a boil. Stirring, stirring, stirring. Oh, my door just opened once again. Alba, I have the hiccups. Do you really? They’re terribly awful. Hiccup, hiccup, hiccup. Make them stop. That’s easy; just stand on one foot…no, no, the left one. That’s it. Now, give me your hand. Put out your pinky finger. Like that? Just like that. Good. Now hand me that laundry clip. What do they call those? Where’s my…? Hand me that laundry pin. This…hiccup, hiccup. This laundry pen here? I called it a pen, Alba, but it’s a laundry pin. Just hand it to me. Thank you. Okay, now hold still and hold out your finger nice and tight. Wait, wait, wait. What is it? They’re gone. The hiccups. They’re all gone. Are they? Well, that’s a relief.

 

I guess we don’t have to…it’s a clothespin. I just realized that was what it was called. You don’t have to wear a clothespin on your finger for years now. Phew. But if you ever get bad hiccups again, you just come and talk to me, okay? Okay. You’re sure they’re gone? Totally gone. Thanks, Alba. Don’t mention it. Is that the door…? What’s that noise in the room next door? Oh, my back, oh my word. Teddy Bear, you can really give a back rub. Other side, please. Oh, that is a good, good back rub. That sure was lucky, wasn’t it, Alba? Are you still here? If those hiccups hadn’t stopped, she would have had to wear a laundry pin or a clothespin…which we realized it’s called a clothespin, Alba, to hold up clothes, clothes that are from the laundry. Yes, he would. Teddy Bear, holy…are you walking on your hands on my back or is that your feet?

 

It’s so plush. It’s supposed to rain tomorrow, I heard, and the day after that. I don’t know how they tell. Do you know how they tell, being a sorceress and all? Jerome, I’m supposed to cure all the ills of this kingdom here, and you’re wasting my time. Oh, well. Anyway, about my rumorism, my constant spreading of rumors…yes, yes, yes, you’re right. Here, take this. Drink a mouthful with every meal and don’t bug me anymore. Oh, well, thank you kindly. Is this gonna work curing my ability to spread rumors or my…you know, my…it’s just something that springs up inside me, Alba. Alba. Absolutely. It’ll get rid of your spreading of rumors, or your desire to. Now, close the door behind you, please. Miss Alba Salix, His Majesty requests your presence at the palace. Oh yeah?

 

‘Tis a matter of some secrecy, he says, and most urgent. Ugh, now what? Tell him I’m on my way. Bye, Alba. Thank you. Oh, close the…please close the door behind…thank you. Oh, my back. Oof, boy. All done. Thank you, Teddy Bear. Balthig. Thank you, Balthig the Teddy Bear. Balthig. Thank you, Balthig. My back feels so good. You pay now. Yes, yes, of course. Very reasonable rates indeed. Here you go; here’s…this is the sound of us exchanging funds. Thank you. Remember stretching. Take care. Bye. Miss Alba Salix to see you, Majesty. Show her in. Hello, Alba. Hi, Gunther. Did you try out the new hair tonic I gave you? Yes, about that; what’s the towel for? Washing your new hair, were you? Look, it’s yarn. Look, I look like Raggedy Ann…those dolls they used to give to children, Alba, Raggedy Annie of Green Gables.

 

Green, red, persimmon…is that persimmon yarn in my hair where my hair would have been? Yes, well, that’s a lovely head of yarn, Alba. I already covered it. It’s tickling me, it’s tickling the queen, it’s making me sneeze. Well, yeah, how do you think that happened? Clearly a result of your tonic, Alba. Alba…clearly not, clearly not. There’s no way it could have caused anything like this. Alba, what am I supposed to do now? Well, the yarn look is very in now. They call it…‘Muppet chic’ I think is what they’re calling it. Yeah, just like…you look like a knock-off of the old Raggedy Annie of Green Gables or whatever. I will not live with yarn on my head. What if it tickles me and I sneeze on the queen or in front of my subjects? It’s only yarn. It’s harmless. Parabel won’t come near me. I can’t go out in public like this.

 

I was gonna go to the dancing monk show later and watch them this evening. They break-dance on cardboard. Yes, sorry, Your Majesty. I’ll see what I could do. What am I supposed to do in the meantime? I’d keep that towel on. You don’t want your yarn to get dirty. One, two, three, four, one, two, three, four. Shuffle, ball, step. Shuffle, ball, change. Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow it down. Good work, brothers. Let’s take a fifteen before we rehearse the second half. Yes, Father. Father Lang, Father Lang, can I show you my windmill now? I think I can almost spin on my head. Not now, Brother Magnus. But you promised to let me show you. I’ve been working hard. Magnus…please, I want to be a dancing monk. I want to learn how to break-dance.

 

I mean, I really already know how to do it; I just haven’t been able…you haven’t given me a chance to show my moves. I’ve told you before; you are young still and you don’t have the proper energy and attitude to pursue the art of dance. But I want to learn to pop-and-lock and do the slow-motion robot and that other thing where you jump over one of your legs when it looks like you’re jumping over the other leg, and then the outer-space walking where you’re moving backwards. Please, Father Lang. You’ll only prove my point. Okay, sorry, I renounce all worldly things. I promise to use my powers for good and I don’t have an ego and stuff. Can I be a dancing monk now? Magnus, your skills lie in other areas. You have it in you to be an excellent healer. Stupid healing. Can’t you teach me one…just teach me the pop.

 

You don’t have to teach me the lock. You know, that one with the…just with the arms. Please, Father Lang. Oh, there’s someone coming here. Hush, boy. Miss Salix? Miss Alba Salix? Miss Salix…excuse me, are you Miss Alba Salix? That’s me. A pleasure. I’m Father Lang of the Order of Dancing Monks. Nice to meet you. Look, is this gonna take very long? I’ve got an important matter to attend to on behalf of His Majesty. I understand you’re the head of the new House of Healing, and as such, I wonder if you might have a place for a young man who shows great potential as a surgeon. A surgeon? Yes. Permit me to introduce Brother Magnus. Are you a W-I-T-C-H? Magnus, this is Miss Alba Salix, the Royal Physician. Royal Physician? I come from a position of privilege and patriarchy, and I’m not sure how I feel about this.

 

An apprentice, this kid? I’m not a kid. I’m seventeen and I know how to break-dance. I can’t say that he sounds of much use to anyone, let alone me. He does have some skill and he’s got great potential. I don’t need any assistance. You heard the W-I-T-C-H. I certainly don’t need him. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some herbs to gather. Gunther? Yes, Parabel? Did Alba get rid…? No, dear. She’s working on it, though I may as well give in and get Krankel in here to have a look. You said you weren’t going to ask him. Well, what choice do I have? Well, maybe I can help. What do you propose to do, dear? Well, you know that I have mystical powers, too. Yes. I am Alba’s sister, remember? Do you know any yarn-removal spells? Well, not spells.

 

I haven’t studied the way Alba has, of course, but if I concentrate and picture you in my mind without the yarn…yes? Then, if I kiss you…you’ll have to come a bit closer, my dear. Smoochy, smoochy, smoochy. Anything? Not yet. Huh. Kissing always works. Perhaps if you kiss each string of yarn separately. Go ahead, it may tickle my lips. I don’t know…the feel of yarn against my lips is not something that appeals to me. Please, please, my dear. Alright, here we…it’s…no, no, no, this is not gonna work. You better summon Krankel. Good morning, meadow. Good day. You’re the loveliest meadow of all, I dare say. Hello, Mr. Hedgehog. Hello, bumblebees. Hello, daisies and black birds and sycamore trees. Oh, what’s that sound? Snakeweed. Why can’t I find any snakeweed? Swallowtail, butterflies, grasshoppers, too.

 

Oof, we just bumped into one another. Oh, why don’t you look where you’re going? Oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t see you there. Why don’t you watch where you’re flying? Here, let me help you with your basket. My name’s Holly, by the way. Silly fairies. I said I was sorry. Yeesh. Look, I can manage my basket just fine. Oh, choke cherries. Are you making a liver tonic? No. A poultice? No. A charm against losing things absentmindedly? No. It’s for removing yarn from someone’s…who in the heck are you, anyway? Yarn? Oh, choke cherry doesn’t remove yarn. It’s just an old wives’ tale. Oops, sorry, I didn’t mean it like that, like being that you’re an old wife. I didn’t mean it like that. Well, I’m neither. I’m neither. Thank you very much. Now, excuse me. Alright, well, see you later. You know what’s better for removing yarn is silver bark.

 

Did I ask? It just seemed like the best way to help you out, you know, to make amends for bumping into you and calling you an old wife. That’s very kind, but I don’t need your help. Fine. But really, you should try the silver bark. There’s a stand of it right over there. All the books I’ve read say choke cherry. Well, who are you gonna believe, a bunch of books or an expert herbalist? Or an herbalist? I may be a herbalist or I may be an herbalist. Expert? You can’t even fly straight. Well, that’s just probably the rainbow-cap angel mushrooms I was trying earlier, you know? Oh boy. Have you seen a purple hedgehog? Because I was just…I just was…it was telling the funniest jokes earlier. They totally throw me off. I was chasing it around, I think it said it had some snacks hidden. Have you seen any snacks hidden anywhere, Alba?

 

I really should get a map or something. I’m just totally lost. Uh-huh. It actually is a research project. It has value. I don’t know if you’re familiar with the studies they’ve been doing, but personally I’m working my way through the native fungi of Farloria to find out their effects on fairy physiology, which is very hard to say except for me. Fairy physiology. You could even say I’m fairly fluent on fairy physiology, if you would like to say that over and over again quickly. But I’ll say it slowly again. I was thinking…trying to think of another word that meant ‘study’, but I’m fairly fluent in fairy physiology, and suddenly all is explained. Can I at least carry your basket or something? No, thank you. Please? I really need to do a good deed to set things right.

 

It’s what we fairies do. Here, let me…no. No, do not touch my…this is my favorite basket. Do not touch my favorite basket. It’s nothing. It’s really nothing. Here, let me help. I’ll just pull it really hard…oh no! Is this a wicker basket? ‘Cause that sounds like the sound of wicker cracking in half and everything spilling out of your basket, and also, those bottles of tinctures are shattering on the ground there. Sorry about that. Ugh, you silly fairies. The Sorcerer General and his Executive Assistant to see you, Majesty. Ah, Krankel. Your Majesty. Do you know anything about removing this yarn, perhaps from someone’s head? Yarn on someone’s head, Your Majesty? Yeah, on my head. I got yarn on my head. Look at this. Oh dear, how did this come about? Let me guess; perhaps it was that physician of yours with all her science.

 

It was supposed to be a hair tonic. Oh, dear me, how terrible. Is there anything you could do? It’s a tricky business, this. Do you have any more of the tonic, so-called? Alba took the rest of the bottle. Hm, without being able to perform an analysis on this preparation, I will require more time to formulate a suitable remedy. I hope you’re enjoying yourself, Krankel. Not at all, Majesty, but I did warn you, if I recall. Yes, yes, stop touching my yarn. With respect, Majesty, it is consequence of allowing — if I may be so bold — a self-taught hedge W-I-T-C-H to administer to the health of yourself and the kingdom at large. Thank you, Mr. Krankel. Dr. Krankel. Just look for a remedy, please. Of course, Majesty. Back bubbling here, bubble, bubble, bubble.

 

Let me stir this here, tap my…oh, that fairy really got under my skin, but tapping this spoon against my cauldron really relaxes me. Now, where was I? Two parts tincture of rose hip to three parts dragon scale oil. Reduce the heat, add three cups of cow parsnip…oh, somebody’s opening my door. Oh, it’s you. I’m sorry I wronged you, Miss Alba Salix, and now I must…what are you doing in my pantry? I must do three good deeds for you to set things right. Look, I brought you a new basket. How did you get in? Through the window. Oh, gods. Yeah, sorry about that, by the way. I think the latch…I may…I’m not a latch expert. I’m sorry about that, too. Then there was the glass; I swept up the glass, too, but I could put a board over it or something ‘til we figure…do you know anybody? Do you know any…is it a glazer or a glazer?

 

How come they’re just not called glassers? Do you know that? It’s with a z, I believe, they spell it. You broke my window? Well, ‘broke’ is such a strong word. I cleaned out the old glass to prepare it for the new. I’m sorry. I’ll fix it. Okay, so, now I owe you four good deeds plus a window. But look, I’ve been sorting everything in your pantry and putting it in order. You’ll be so happy. It’s so organized. Look over here. You’ve been…oh, great Ivar, what have you done? I had everything in here organized by the Kondo method. The Kondo method? That must mean something different in your world, ‘cause this was a great big jumble, a big mess in there. How could you find anything? I didn’t even know how you knew where…it was very…this was strongly in need of reorganization. There’s a system.

 

The Kondo method to me means things go where they go, and then I know where to find them. I had a system that worked, and now I’ve got about two minutes to come up with a potion for the king. Ugh, I need to find some cow parsnip. These aren’t even in alphabetical order. No, no, no, alphabetical doesn’t make any sense, not for organizing herbs or tinctures or pungents or unguents or salves or potions, tonics…why would you put those in alphabetical order? I mean, if you’re looking for cow parsnip, it’s under C for…would it be under C for cow or P for parsnip? Or H for Heracleum? It’s so confusing, this Kondo method. You tell me. Look, I’ve organized them all by their glade miles, herbal catalogue number…so much easier. Oh, gods help me.

 

Are you going to run through all this right now when I’m in the middle of making something for the king? There’s the 800s, which is everything with a hollow stem. Here’s your hemlock, your fennel, your parsley. Look; cow parsnip. Do you want the greens or the flowers? You could also say…before you get carried away, Alba, there’s giant hogweed over here, which…be careful. Keep it at its distance, you know…spotted cowsbane, waterdrop wart. My favorite is donkey rhubarb. It makes…Alba, if you ever need to laugh, you just say, donkey rhubarb. It is my favorite rhubarb. Cheerful chervil…I always have trouble saying that. Chervil, I think. It’s cheerful chervil…it’s funny that I could say other things, but then I have trouble saying ‘cheerful chevril’, Alba.

 

Dog celery…you know…Alba, have you ever known a dog named Celery? Do you think you would call a dog name…would you call a dog Celery or would you give it…do you know dogs can eat celery? You seem speechless, Alba. Then there’s fennel carrot. I used to have a dog that ate fennel carrot all the time. Well, it wasn’t actually…it was a dog that I would fly around. It would chase me. We had so much fun. I wish that dog was named Celery. Then there’s big, bad bamboo. Really, the softest bamboo. I don’t know who named it. Of all the bamboos, it’s the softest. It’s the best bamboo not for the frame of the bed and not for your bed itself…if you’re ever looking…you know, this is just in a jar here, Alba. This is not for sleeping. But if you were gonna build a bed of bamboo, your middle layer could be big, bad bamboo.

 

There’s Gordian knotweed…I still don’t understand anything about it. I always…they always…there’s entire classes on the Gordian knotweed and none of it…it’s beyond me. That’s what…I thought I would take those rainbow mushrooms one time and I would understand the whole purpose of Gordian knotweed, but it’s here in the 800s if you need it. There’s creeping coriander. It actually grows horizontally, so remember it creeps…creeping coriander creeps horizontally. The bulbous goat millet…don’t get that mixed up with a goat mullet, Alba. You’re not laughing at anything I say. I mean, look at how organized this is. This one is Diablo me caraway, great in bread but a little bit spicy. That’s why it’s Diablo me caraway.

 

Kiwi quinoa; that’s another hard one to say, Alba. Would you like to say kiwi quinoa? No, I would not. Kiwi quinoa. I don’t know why that’s so hard to say. Kiwi quinoa. Kiwi quinoa. I don’t know, maybe it was only hard that one time, Alba. What do you think? I think I need to get back to work. Then there’s Benjamin Buckwheat, who I would imagine was the kid that always copied off your…was that your first love, Benjamin Buckwheat? Alba, is Benjamin Buckwheat the one…remember that tale…I used to fly by one of the human schools where they would teach you, and I know when the kids were just small…still bigger than me, but very small…for all of you, they told the tale of Benjamin Buckwheat.

 

He was the boy who became a grain of wheat that went from ready-to-harvest wheat to…and reverse-shrank back down into a little baby…whatever, that was how they taught…that was in the basic planting classes or whatever you call it, arigargology where they would teach you…are you about finished with your talking? Well, not quite. I was telling you the story about the…do you remember learning about Benjamin Buckwheat? It’s actually a thing, right here. I have it organized for you now. Benjamin Buckwheat, right here in the 800s. Do you remember what the 800s are, Alba? I’m about to hollow something out. I’m about to hollow out a Holly, if you know what I mean. Oh Alba, you’re so silly. I’m so happy that we finally got to know one another, that we ran into one another.

 

Now you know all your 800s and I get to help you. It’s really turning out to be a wonderful day, isn’t it? It’s not. I would not use the word ‘wonderful’ for how this day is turning out, Holly, no. Okay, so anyway, back to what we were talking about. So, that’s the 800s in the glade miles herbal catalogue number system. I have everything set up here for you. Just give me the cow parsnip, please. There you go, you’re welcome. Please put my shelves back the way they were. But I have to do a good deed so that we can…here’s your good deed; put everything back the way it was and get out of my pantry. Jeez, okay, okay. Holy moly. If there’s one thing I don’t need, it’s more help, and please close…oh my gosh, the door’s opening. Alba, for heaven’s sake, it’s your king.

 

I’ve got a half-hour before I have to be back for that dancing monk show, so get to work. There you are, Gunther. I was just finishing up the mixture. Here, drink this. Gunther, take your towel off so we could see your head of yarn. Oh, this is delicious. Thank heavens. How long is it gonna take for this yarn to get off my head? It should be instantaneous. Well, there…still feeling the yarn. Is there a particular instance you had in mind? ‘Cause I can’t go to watch break-dancing monks with a head of yarn in front of all my people, you know? They won’t be saying Your Grace; they’ll be saying, what in the heck’s wrong with Your Grace’s head? Just give it a minute. I’m not feeling anything, Alba. Hey Alba, what should I do with your pumpkin extract?

 

Oh hey, you kind of look like the king except you have a head of yarn, a little bit like that Raggedy Anne of Green Gables. I am the king. Well, I love the yarn. It looks great on you. You make the yarn…the yarn makes you; you make the yarn. Oh, as the king, I am speechless. Alba, the yarn is still on my head. What the fork? They’re not shifting. I told you, Alba, it’s the silver bark. Well, I don’t have any. Not to worry; I brought some from the meadow. Here you go. Choppity, choppity, chop, clinkety, clinkety, clink, right here in the cauldron and the mortalling and the pestalling, right, Alba? Right by my side. Then you grind it up, you squeeze out the juice into one cup pear cider vinegar…who is this person, Alba? As your king, I demand an answer. Her name’s Holly. She’s helping out. You trust her? She’s an expert herbalist, so she claims.

 

Sizzle, sizzle, sizzle. Fizzle, fizzle, fizzle, and just a little more bubble, bubble, bubble. No toil, no trouble. Dash of nutmeg, and here we go. Mm, this one isn’t actually that bad. Oh boy, I feel the yarn already falling off my head. The silent sound of yarn falling off someone’s head silently to the floor…but as the yarn silently falls, it turns to feathers. Oh, here, shake your head off, my king. It’ll make it faster. No, no, no, don’t shake your head; your yarn is turning to feathers. They’re getting all over my place. Take your yarn and your head and the feathers outside. You see, Alba? It’s the oil in the silver bark. It helps the yarn turn into feathers, and then they pop out and they float away right off the king’s beautiful head. Dear me, I’ve never been so glad to be bald. Bye-bye, yarny-yarns. See you later.

 

Great, my entire place is covered in feathers. That’s the last of the yarn. Thank heavens. I gotta get back to the palace. Thank you, Holly, was it? Anytime, Your Majesty. Alba, I do hope you’re keeping her on. No, I’m holding out for someone even more annoying. Your Majesty, close the door on the way…what did I tell you? It was the choke cherry. It was just a delayed reaction. Was that a good deed or what? Holy Holly, I just put the…I just put it…I just did…I did one good deed for you, Alba. And now I have about thirty-five pounds of feathers all over my office. Oh right, I could help with that. You know, here’s the thing; these…so, these…are these…if we made pillows from these feathers, would they be royal pillows? Do these feathers…are they regal? Could we sell them or something?

 

Do you think they have a right to the throne because…? Remember those tales about the…? Alba, you’re just staring at me blankly. It looks like there’s steam coming off the top of your head. I was gonna ask you, do you remember that myth they taught the humans about…one…what was…? I don’t remember. It was one of your demi-gods or goddesses, and then everybody jumped out of the god or goddess’s belly. So, they were gods and goddesses, right? So, are these feathers future queens and kings? I don’t care. Clean up the feathers and get them out of here. Hello, feather few, hello feathers. I’m gonna call you…I don’t know. I’ll take each one of you…I’ll make you into pillows and I’ll call…I don’t know. Oh, you are fancy royal feathers.

 

Oh boy, I am excited to make pillows from all of you, and I’m gonna put a pillow right on Alba’s sofa with all of you. You’ll be so excited to spend more time with her. Holly, get the basket and clean up the feathers. Right away, ma’am. Your Royal Majesties, ladies and gentlemen, we present from the far Western regions the dancing monks of the Order of Teddy Bear Mountain. Okay, I’ll give you one, two, one, two, three, four. Here we go to the left, here we go to the right. Tappity, tappity, swishity-swish. Impressive, aren’t they? Mm, I like that one. Parabel, you had your belly dancers last week. You insisted they wear robes. Look; what do you call that? It’s traditional garb. It looks draft…how can they dance in that without getting cold? Oh, that’s rich coming from Mr.…oh, the sultan of Silvenguard has a harem. Why can’t I?

 

I didn’t say that. Oh yes, you did. Well, I didn’t say it like that. Your Majesties. Krankel, what are you doing here? I found a remedy for the yarn that’s been plaguing your royal…where’d your yarn go, Your Majesty? Alba took care of them. Did she? Well, she and her fairy. Which fairy would this be? If you please, Mr. Krankel. Dr. Krankel. The show is about to start and you’re being most distracting. Indeed. Yes, my apologies, Majesty. Good evening to you both. A fairy, huh? And a one, two, a one, two, swish, swish, swish. The back-walk and pop-and-lock and jazz hands, and bow. Your Majesties, thank you for the applause. We humbly offer you the golden sunflower pop-and-lock windmill technique demonstrated by Brother Ko and Brother Fang. Clap, clap, clap.

 

One, cloppity-clop, and two, cloppity-clop, and a three, cloppity-clop. Oh, that looks dangerous. Nonsense; this is just dancing, my dear. They’re just dancing. Just because it’s called break-dancing, it doesn’t have to do with breaking anything. A whoosh, whoosh, whooshity-whoosh. On the other hand…and a swoosh, swoosh, smooshity-smoosh, smoosh, smoosh, smoosh, and a whoop, whoop, whoop. Hello, everybody. I’m about to do a pop-and-lock just for you. I’m trying to rhyme. I’m trying to dance on time. My name is Magnus. Just a bit of your time, and I won’t whine as I break-dance from the school of Alfonzo Ribeiro. Who on earth is that? That boy is dancing out of control. His legs are moving so fast, I don’t think he can even control them. Brother Magnus, what are you doing? Your Majesties, I apologize.

 

This is not part of our normal break-dancing routine. Magnus, get off the stage. Okay, watch this and that. I’m dancing. P-H-A-T spells phat, and that’s what I’m doing, a spiral move. I’m swimming around. Don’t give you the blues. My name is M to the A to the G to the N to the U to the S and I’m moving so well. Takes away your stress. Magnus, don’t dance near the tent poles. I’m gonna do a backflip and I’m gonna jump off this pole, too. I’m gonna spin around and I’m dancing for you. The queen here…shouldn’t we call the guards in? My dearest king, I believe the dancing monks should be able to handle it. He’s one of theirs, after all. Not a very good one. Here we go, a pop-and-lock and a spin around. I’m off the clock. Magnus, do not swing around on that pole.

 

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, I’m…holy cow, Father Lang, I’m going faster and faster. I’ve lost control. Magnus…oh my gosh, as queen, I’ve never seen anything like this. As king, I do declare this is…oh, he’s pulling down the tent and he skinned his knees. That’s gonna need to be…he’s gonna need his knees to be treated or something. What are we to do? Way to go, Magnus. Oh, my goodness, even as queen, I’ve never seen such skinned knees before in all my days. Oh no, I skinned both my knees and I’m still spinning on the pole and the tent’s coming down. Brothers, Father Lang, are you alright? It’s the rest of our dance crew. What happened? Find the right place to stand, my dancing monk brothers. This is Father Lang telling you, if you find the right place to stand, even a dancing fool and the troubles they bring will pass you by.

 

I’m fine too, by the way, Father Lang. Your Majesties, ladies and gentlemen, there will be a short break in our dancing performance. I’m telling you, it makes perfect sense. It’s all in the book. It would help if either of us had this book. What’s next? Purple cone flower? It’s in the 900s. No, wait…rats. It should be here between sunflower and ragweed. Never mind. I’ll go get some from the garden. I know it’s here somewhere. Thank you for your help. I can sweep the rooms, too…organize your office? No. But I haven’t made amends properly yet. We’ll call it even. No, no, no, that’s not how it works. On my honor as a good fairy, I’ve solemnly…oh, your door. Set him down here. As the leader of the dancing monks…Miss Salix. Yes, what’s happened? A boy has over-danced and spun himself around and skinned his knees.

 

Oh, dear. One of yours? Hey, doc. Oh, it’s you. He ran out during the performance, spun around on a pole, lost control, brought the tent down, and skinned his knees. The least he could have done is finished the job. Holly, what can I do? I need fresh knee wort, lots of it. Coming up. Miss Salix, I wouldn’t trust young Magnus to your care. What for? I’ll bandage up his knees and he can be on his merry way tomorrow. He’s not a very good dancer, one, and he’s…and the skinned knees will prevent him from…we’re learning…we’re gonna do a new knee-dancing routine soon, and we also have to get out of town early. Oh, the king didn’t appreciate the impromptu renovations, did he? He was tough but fair. Here’s the knee wort. Oh, this poor young person…skinned knees. I’m not a young person. I’m seventeen, thank you.

 

Oh, we gotta wash your knees with soap and water. It’s actually gonna mildly sting. Wait a second. This isn’t what I learned from the patriarchy. The women and fairies were cleaning up and helping? I’m not comfortable with…hey, that’s not very nice. I’m here to help you. Magnus, hold still. This is going to mildly sting as I wash your knees and then put whatever that…hydrogen…you know, our version of what some would call peroxide…hydrogen peroxide. Oh, that does barely, mildly sting, and as a child I would not be comfortable with it. Well, I know you don’t trust our judgement, Magnus. You’re just a big splainer that knows everything. Holy juniper, those are some skinned knees. You’ll never dance again today or probably tomorrow.

 

Oh, wow, that does sting but it feels good that my knees are…could you put something on my knees, though, that’s like a Band-Aid, like a puffy or something? Yeah, we’ll put some puffy bandages on your knees, don’t worry. It’s I, Alba, the head of the dance crew. I was just wondering if you had given any more thought to taking on young Magnus as an apprentice. Are you serious? Look at the damage he did in one night. I think of it this way; he’s young, he’s not that bright, but he has great interest in dark magic. I understand you have some experience in that as well. Who told you that? Magnus needs a guiding hand like yours to set him on the right course. You want me to teach him dark magic? No, I mean, you’ve made the journey to the darkest places of the soul and then you could come back to the light.

 

You know, life’s not all or nothing, Alba. I know you know that. I’m not interested. I’ll fix the kid up, sure, and his knees, but his karma? That’s your problem. Miss Salix, I hope you’ll reconsider. Alba, you’re gonna have to…I don’t know, I’m tired of dealing with this kid. You’ll have to finish up his knees. Great. Why don’t you have Threadstrong-brand Band-Aids? A Stitch in Time are far better. Not on my knees. I only take…those are the ones…I want the ones with the orange on the inside and possibly some sort of hero printed on the front. These are D-series Band-Aids. They’re double-enchanted to prevent anything and everything and to make you feel good. They just happen to be hot pink. It’s not my problem. I’m telling you, Threadstrong’s the way to go.

 

I don’t know what you know about putting bandages on knees, but I know what I know about it. You want Threadstrong? Fine, but don’t blame me when your…oh, boy. You’re making me…your knees are gonna heal a lot faster…you’ll dance a lot sooner if you trust me, kid. No, I’d prefer just you listen to me as I explain it to you. Who’s the physician here and who’s the expert in physicianing, Alba? Oh, boy. Hold still. How’d you get this job, anyway? What makes you qualified to be the Royal Physician? Are you friends with the queen or something? I’m her sister, actually. Oh, that explains it once again. Wait a second, you’re the queen’s sister? Quick on the uptake. That’s just what I just said two seconds ago. Wait a second, that means it was you. You were gonna marry the king. Isn’t that what happened?

 

Three sisters saved the king. The youngest actually cured him and married him. There’s a lot of different stories out there. So, does that mean you failed or the king preferred your sister to you? Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, what is that you’re putting on my knee now? You should lay still and not talk while I’m scrubbing your knee. Oh, I guess I said something you couldn’t handle, huh, Alba? Oh, yeah. Hey, is that what Brother Lang meant about the dark places of the soul? Who said that? Father Lang. He said that you know dark magic. He was just trying to trick me into taking you in. I bet you do. Hey, show me a trick. Like, do some magic on something. No. Please? Give it up. Lang, tell your young monk here I don’t do dark magic. Father Lang? He snuck out. Oh, these monks. You’re worse than the fairies. I know, huh? Alba?

 

Yes, Magnus? Are you one of those…what are they called? Sith lordesses or something? You don’t want to know. Yeah, I do. No, you really don’t. Come on, you could tell me everything. I’m a dancing monk, or I was almost a dancing monk. Hey, where are you going? You haven’t finished up. I still have one knee that needs a Band-Aid on it. Good. Keep it up. Ha-ha, funny. Alba? Here I am in Alba’s pantry, just Holly the fairy. Oh hey, Alba. Can I get you anything? No, I’m fine. Sorry about ducking out. I just…skinned knees, they just…I needed some tea and I just wanted to calm down. I think I used the last of your chamomile, but I can go get you some more. Mm-hm. What are you looking for? Found it; thanks. Alba, that’s not wild carrot, by the way.

 

It’s hemlock, the famous kind of hemlock that all those philosophers made famous, I think, or some playwright made famous. I know what I’m doing, Holly. Alba, what are you doing? Just taking care of my patient. You’re not going to…I mean, he’s annoying and like, a splainer, but he’s just a kid. He’s not even a man-splainer yet. He’s a kid-splainer. Holly, I’ve got motive, means, and opportunity. The monks all got…the monks are gone. They danced out of town. Who cares? This kid…we gotta nip this splaining in the butt, if you know what I mean, or in the bud. Alba, I can’t let you do this. Get out of my way, fairy. Alba, I thought you were nice. Huh. Or, at least I thought you were a good witch, but you’re…yes? I don’t know. Alba, are you not all or nothing?

 

You have morals and you decide on…based on your moral compass in the moment? Yes, yes. I have a belief system and sometimes I make good choices and sometimes I make bad choices, Holly. I’m not perfect. I’m just a human being. Well, thank the twinkly stars for that. Now, get out of my way. I’ve gotta go put a Band-Aid on that other skinned knee. Alba, hand the hemlock over. Ugh. Thank you, Alba. As king, I call this court to order. Will the defendant please stand? Yo, I’m pushing my chair back and I’m standing up. Brother Magnus of Hezelford, late of the dancing…former dancing…break-dancing monk, this court finds you guilty of terrible dancing, pole dancing on a royal pole holding up a royal tent, causing a disturbance, making a mess of the new curtains, and skinning your knees on royal property.

 

I object, your kingship. Don’t get smart with me. I, Gunther the Third, King of Farloria, do sentence you to 5,000 hours of community service. What? Did I say 5,000? I meant 6,000. What in the…holy shirt balls…to be served at the House of Healing under the care of Miss Alba Salix, Royal Physician. What? Hey. In the hopes that she will be a good influence on your character and keep you out of trouble. Gunther, what are you thinking? Court is dismissed. Alba, I’m counting on you. Gunther, wait. Hey there, boss. Hello, Magnus. You ready to rock? Fine. Let’s get back to the House of Healing. Sweet, you can give me my first lesson in black magic. Alright, alright. Have you ever tried hemlock? No. Is it good? Do, do, do. I can’t sing. I just remembered this is the ending credits of the show. Goodnight.

[END OF RECORDING]

(Transcription performed by LeahTranscribes)