1101 – For the Children | Lulling With Lasso 4

Notable Language:

• Deep Dark Night United (DDNU)
• The Nate Layer
• Graffiteh

Notable Culture:

• Los Angeles Lakers
• Take That
• The Cure

Notable Talking Points:

• The school of soft knocks
• Dynamic Duos with mutual respect
• Cam Cole, the mega talent busker

Episode 1101 – For the Children | Lulling With Lasso 4

 

[START OF RECORDING]

 

SCOOTER:    Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s time for the podcaster that’s here to keep you company, that’s here to take your mind off of stuff, that wishes he had something witty and silly to say that could…I wish I had something to say that would instantly put you to sleep and relieve all that tension, but I can only do it my way which is slow, meandering, and a little bit goofy.  The reason I do the show; for you, because I know how it feels in the deep, dark night, and if I can help, if I can keep you company, it would be my honor.  So whether you’re new or you’re coming back, you’re a regular listener, you come back…you just use the show when you need it, I’m glad you’re here and I really hope I can help you fall asleep.  It’s time for Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  Thanks for making it possible, my patron peeps.

 

INTRO:    [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing?  Trouble getting to sleep?  Trouble staying asleep?  Well, welcome.  This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  We do it with a bedtime story.  Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play.  We’re gonna do the rest.  What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts on your mind, so thoughts you’re thinking about, like things you’re thinking of.  So thoughts, anything you’re feeling…feelings, like feeling emotions, feelings coming up for you about the past, the present, or the future, anything physically you’re feeling or dealing with.

 

So it could be thoughts, past, present, future, feelings about the thoughts, feelings about physical sensations, changes in time, temperature, routine, travel.  You could be traveling, you could be having visitors, you could have other stuff going on.  Whatever it is that’s keeping you awake, I’d like to take your mind off of it and keep you company so you could fall asleep.  The reason I do it is you deserve a good night’s sleep.  You deserve a place you can get some rest, have some space, a bedtime you don’t have to dread, and that is important.  It’s not just important to me; there’s a lot of regular listeners nodding their heads right now and saying hey, your sleep is important.

 

When they nod their head, they say hey, my sleep’s important, but that new listener or that regular listener who had a rough day or a rough week, their sleep’s important, too.  You and your sleep are important, and all of us that are listening right now, while we might not know exactly what’s keeping you awake, we could probably relate to some of the feelings.  But also the fact that when we don’t get enough rest, our lives can feel a little bit unmanageable, a little bit frustrating, or more than a little bit would be…a little bit would be an understatement.

 

So, if you get the rest you need and your life is more manageable, your life is gonna be a little bit better, and that is important to me and not just me; I guarantee you as I’m saying this right now, thousands and thousands of people are nodding their head and they’re saying yeah, if you’re listening and you’re new right now…or yeah, I…you’re right, I am important and my sleep is important, and I’m glad to be nodding my head.  I don’t think it’s a collaboration, but it’s…as a community, we’re doing this.  It’s a little bit of unity.  We’re united in the deep, dark night.  Have I said that before?  I didn’t even real…or the deep, dark night unites us.  Deep Dark Night United.  I guess if we were a football team — and I mean soccer — we’d be DDNU.  DDNU, I like saying that.  Deep Dark Night…Deep Dark…oh, DDNU, yeah.

 

You say, what school did you…?  Oh, I graduated from DDNU, every day.  They’re my favorite footballers…are all on DD…they’re all imaginary.  Also an imaginary…Deep Dark Night United University…University United.  Oh, what do they teach there?  Well, it’s like a…I’d say it’s a school of soft knocks, but they don’t feel soft.  You say okay, I thought…for some reason I thought this was the introduction to a sleep podcast.  I didn’t realize what I got my…oh no…oh, you’re a new listener?  So, what I intend to do here is keep you company and take your mind off of stuff so that you could fall asleep.  The way I’m gonna do it is I’m gonna take my voice, I’m gonna send it across the deep, dark night…and a lot of other people are DDNU, baby.

 

That could be shorthand for…you say, that…if there was enough Sleep With Me listeners and we had a way to know another Sleep With Me listener and you gave…you pointed at them and you said hey, DDNU.  DDNU to you and yours, that’s what we’d say if it was…if we were clinking glasses of egg nog or cocoa or some other beverage.  You say, DDNU.  Or we could…it works in a lot of different…situationally, it works in a lot of different imaginary situations.  We could all raise our glasses together and say it, or if we were cheering on the squad or the team, we could go DDNU.  That even works.  Surprisingly, it doesn’t…it even works as a introduction to a sleep podcast.

 

So, I send my voice across the deep, dark night.  I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, and superfluous tangents, which you’ve already seen as…coming out of my mind here.  I’m surprised I never say united in the deep, dark night.  Deep Dark Night United.  Also, if it was a superhero…I guess ours would be a…it wouldn’t be a anti-hero or a superhero; it’d be one of those heroes that’s in-between.  They’re not even sure.  You’d say oh, who are…who is this?  Oh, we’re Deep Dark Night United.  We’re big fans of the deep, dark night.  Who’s the deep, dark night?

 

Surprisingly, it took almost 1,100 episodes for Scooter to realize that he could have invented a superhero or some sort of person in the Middle Ages, a legendary character, the Deep Dark Knight, and…or both, ‘cause it had a back…oh, it was some sort of thing, like one of those secret things.  Oh boy, I now pass on the knowledge of the deep, dark night to you, and the people that support you are Deep Dark Night United.  Also, you will…you go…you pretend…yeah, we have a football team that’s in England, though, where you’ll work…you’ll be the kit person.  They call that a water person in the US, I think.  You clean up the grass and stuff.  A bit like Nate the great before Nate the great changed sides.  Oh, it is a sleep podcast intro?

 

Sorry, I forgot again.  So, I’m gonna use those…that’s a pointless meander, superfluous tangent, all to take your mind off of stuff and keep you company while you fall asleep.  Now, you may be surprised to learn this but maybe you aren’t; not everybody likes this podcast when they first get here.  In fact, most people don’t.  Most people are confused when they get here ‘cause one, you’ve probably tried a lot of stuff to fall asleep throughout your life.  You’re probably skeptical, you’re probably a little tired.  I can tell you, even if you don’t like this podcast, you could still be a member of Deep Dark Night United, ‘cause it’s free.  Alls you gotta say is yeah, we’re united in the deep, dark night.  I think that’s true whether…so, you could check out sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou, which has other sleep podcasts and stuff.

 

Alls I say…alls I ask is hey, maybe try the podcast a few times, ‘cause we’ve got hundreds and hundreds of thousands if not a million reviews or e-mails and messages and stuff that said hey, at first I really did not like the podcast.  Took through…two or three tries for me to realize a few different things.  One, it’s a podcast I don’t really listen to.  That was hard to figure out at first, ‘cause I was waiting for the story to start or I was waiting for it to get lulling and soothing, and then I realized it was oh, mostly pointless meanders and superfluous tangents.  I was waiting for your voice to get more comforting, but then I realized it was more of a misdirection and…in the deep, dark night.

 

So, then I realized oh, it’s a podcast I kinda listen to, somewhere between background noise and in…somewhere…more coherent than incoherent babbling, but not with a lot of coherence.  So, that took some getting used to, not…to just kind of listen to the podcast like I was watching sand in an hourglass or out of focus.  Also, the fact that it doesn’t really put me to sleep…it keeps me company while I fall asleep; that wasn’t easy to get used to, either.  It’s like okay, so this is a podcast I barely listen to, it doesn’t really put me to sleep, it’s…you’re more here to be a distraction and a friendly voice, and in case I can’t fall asleep, you’re here to the very end whether I’m awake or asleep.  That’s a pretty good deal, or I could put you on a sleep timer or whatever.  But your job’s to be my bore-friend in the deep, dark night.

 

Your job as the deep, dark night is to be a friend, not some sort of grand hero.  No, no, no, actually I’ve changed…it is to be a grand hero.  Back in the Middle Ages, galloping on a horse, or now in the modern age, flying through the night or being dashing, doing a lot of…not dashing from place to place, but being dashing.  So, yeah, I realize the podcast’s foundation is much less…doesn’t have any gratuitous cool…I’d like more gratuitous coolness.  Or, you know, I’d like to have some of that.  Sorry, that doesn’t go with a sleep podcast.  It does go with the fantasies of a sleep podcaster, for sure.

 

But yeah, so I’m here to be your bore-friend, your bore-bae, your bore-sib, your bore-cuz, your bore-bestie, your neigh-bore, your bore-bor, your bore-bruh if you’re in the San Diego area, and to keep you company while you fall asleep, to be your distraction or your friendly voice if you need it.  So, whether you’re awake or asleep, I’m here to keep you company, and you don’t ever need to listen to me.  You could just kinda barely listen.  Other things that throw new people off other than the style of the show and the ways to listen is the structure of the show.  But the show is designed and structured in a very specific way, though there are ways that listeners change it up and listen.

 

So, as you become a regular listener, you could kinda change it up, but the show starts off with a greeting; friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, blah, blah, blah.  I say something silly, and so you feel seen and welcomed in.  That’s the goal.  You say okay, the tone of the show is lighthearted about something serious.  Then there’s support for the show via sponsors or people that support the show directly so the podcast can come out for free twice a week.  Then there’s support for listeners, then there’s support for the communities around the show.  Again, ‘cause that’s kinda what’s important.  The podcast is optional to pay for it, and it’s also supportive of people whose lives intersect with it, I guess.  Then there’s the intro, which is separate from the support.  The intro is a show within a show.

 

It goes on, I don’t know, from minute six or minute eight to minute twenty-ish.  Some people that don’t like the fact that the show is…needs support to keep going don’t like the intro either, and they kinda lump those two things together.  But the intro serves a purpose.  Now, 2% of people skip the intro.  Another few thousand people pay to listen to story-only episodes, but…and then there’s just as many people that listen all night.  So, you can kind of, again, adjust, but the intro is meant to ease you into bedtime.  So, most listeners listen as part of a wind-down routine, which is a pretty broad term meaning the time between…the transition from your…when you’re awake to when you’re asleep.  So, you can listen while you’re getting ready for bed, while you’re in bed.

 

There’s some listeners that are already snoozing.  We’re so happy for them, really.  Totally so happy.  You’re looking good, by the way.  I’ve never seen someone drool so majestically than you.  But so…but for most listeners, whether you’re getting ready for bed, you may be foam rolling or doing something else relaxing or just chilling, getting comfortable, petting your pets, looking at your fishes…what up, fishes?  And other…all pets.  When I say what up fishes, it’s like saying Deep Dark Night United for pets.  It’s a general term to go out to all pets, even though I know there’s some pets like cats in cartoons that are kind of…them and fishes don’t get…necessarily get along.  But that’s only in cartoons, I assume.  But probably…I just won't even…don’t…yeah, let’s just move on, right?  Fishes don’t remember ‘cause they…according to Ted Lasso, they only have a ten-second memory anyway.

 

Speaking of which, after the intro, there’s more support for the show.  That’s how it comes out twice a week for free.  Then we’ll be talking about a episode of Ted Lasso, learning and lulling from Lasso.  If we had a team, like I said, it’d be Deep Dark Night United.  Even though some people would say well, it’s named after a neighborhood or an area or something, I’d say well, all of us are in the…I think…well, there is a neighborhood and a area called the deep, dark night that we all live in; it’s just not in one central location.  So, we could have…I mean, I guess…I don’t know which league we’d join, but…so, you got us on a technicality.

 

I guess just…here’s the thing; it only exists in my imagination and we’re top of the table of my imagination.  So, then we’ll talk about Ted Lasso, Episode 3, I believe, from Season 1.  Then there’s some thank-yous at the end.  So, that’s the structure of the show.  I make the show because a lot of us know how it feels and I want to help, because I always wished someone was there for me to just say hey, I don’t know if I could put you to sleep, but I could keep you company and be here for you and just be at your side and be a friendly voice and maybe take your mind off whatever’s keeping you awake.

 

Maybe that’ll help you fall asleep, me just being here to distract you.  I don’t know, so if that sounds possibly not bad to you, give it a try.  See how it goes.  I think that’s it.  I don’t think I’m forget…I always forget a lot of stuff, but I don’t know what I’m forgetting now.  But I’m glad you’re here.  I work really hard, I yearn and I strive, and I really hope I can help you fall asleep.  Thanks again for coming by, and here’s a couple of ways we’re able to do this for you for free twice a week.

 

Alright everybody, Scoots here.  I guess we’ll go through my notes first and then go through the episode.  For the Children, Season 1, Episode 4.  Husselever boos…locker room.  Oh, I think it’s like a screen; it’s a black screen and then there’s booing going on.  Roy’s mad.  Better than that…Sam apologizes.  Jamie’s a jerk.  Roy does some finger-pointing.  Forehead to forehead.  Easy; no.  For the love of Pistol Pete, Ted says.  Second-half…old man…could we…old…one…near time?  Call me old man one more time, I think.  He calls him grandpa or something.  Then we get the open.  Table 4, the boring table.  I guess I know what table I’ll be at.  Higgins will be there, too.  Ted has a horse kicking joke.  Throwing?  Thrawing?  Something…West Side Story.  Nate layer…Nate layer?  I don’t know.  Nate layer; that’s what it…Nate’s his plus one.

 

Maybe…oh, Nate loves West Side Story.  So, we gotta look there; there’s a dialogue circle to check.  Either chicken or steak…Beard…Ted’s plus one is Beard, but Beard has a date, so Nate.  Nate’s free every night.  Ted goes into Rebecca’s office.  She’s checking out dresses.  Pajama Friday.  Me, Roy…Davis forces to mind.  Mend fences…fences to mend.  Jamie; me, Roy, and Jamie at the same table.  Fashion…one more story…try…so, Ted’s trying to tell the story about his prom in pajama…wearing pajamas to his prom, I think.  I’m fine, really fine.  Robbie Williams canceled.  Higgins, find someone better.  There’s good physical comedy with Higgins’ phone.  Jamie’s house or apartment or whatever is gorgeous.  No hoods, no zips, no graffiti…graffiti…graffiti; however he says graffiti.

 

Good fashion…I like his orange pocket square a lot.  Ted has a suit…we see a busker, a troubadour…Nate early…on time.  Suit does not fit; it’s me dad’s.  Pit stop…red carpet.  Jamie and Keeley, Rebecca…Keeley helps.  One in front, one hand on the hip…claw shape…one foot in front of the other.  One hand on hip in a claw shape…flattering.  Nate, don’t strut.  Let the suit do the work.  So, this is where Ted is really a good friend.  I mean, I really like these small bits like that, just stuff I could relate to, ‘cause I would probably be the one overcompensating like Nate, and Ted has this…on some levels, some confidence or just self-comfort, and he’s able to help his friends with that and be like hey, just let the suit do the work, bud.  Ted Lasso, my god.  Nice to meet you.  So Rebecca does not recognize Nate.

 

Beard and Jane…Friday night chess club…not a…they like each other’s moves.  Not a joke…guess it was.  Table awkward with Roy and Jamie.  Who are the other people, I wondered?  Table 9…like Shaq and Kobe.  Who needs a drink?  Higgins…I wonder what it would be like with…that era…Lakers era and social media, you know, and just the internet.  I’m not saying it negatively or anything, but with proliferation of news sources and places to read opinions and…I don’t know what you call it; websites, podcasts, takes on Shaq and Kobe.  It would have been a lot different.  It would have been…I don’t know, ‘cause I wasn’t…I always hear this thing; I missed…I kinda missed the Shaq and Kobe era.  I wasn’t…I was kinda out there.  I wasn’t paying a lot attention to anything.  So, I’m kinda like, bummer, I missed the Shaq and Kobe era.

 

Plus, Northern California, Southern California have a rivalry.  Who needs a drink?  Higgins lists who cannot make it, so we’re getting down to who can’t make it, for sure.  Rebecca working on speech, and Ted says make fun of yourself right off the bat.  Trust me.  Again, being helpful and of service.  Chest talk…Queen to Rook 4.  Rebecca does a…opens with a joke about hugs.  Auction later.  Rupert shows up.  He does a hanky-panky joke?  Is that what that says?  Or a harby-harby joke?  Rupert’s in a white suit.  Last year, £100,000…hum…boring table; she puts him at the boring table.  Oh, I said how much is 100…£800,000?  Put him at the boring table.  Kidding; put him at Table 4.  Nate is flirty a little bit…still dizzy, one of the guys from his encounter with Roy.

 

Jamie gets soup on his chest, uses a ice cube, I guess, to cool it down.  I was like, why is he using a ice cube?  But I guess ‘cause it was hot.  Over 3,000…Jamie’s not the brightest bulb there.  Can’t take a joke.  Ted and Roy…youth wasted on the young.  Nate gets close to Roy, then gives him a hug.  Ted meets Rupert.  Lidle best friends…older sister.  Ted’s…uses his best friend’s older sister crush metaphor.  Rupert and Rebecca…awkward moment.  Besides, it’s for the children.  For the children.  Love that dress.  Ted…Robertson within…canceled.  I’ll ask…Ted asks for a triple.  Rupert takes the stage.  Keeley gives him a slow clap.  Jamie Tartt up first.  Shetland ponies?  Oh, someone…I don’t know.

 

Then this one, I actually put it together; there’s another woman bidding on Jamie, and I said doesn’t that…isn’t that who becomes…so spoiler; she does play a part later, I guess, in the series.  £25,000…Ted checks on Rebecca.  There’s rickshaw bikes.  Ted tells a tandem bike story.  Rebecca gets real about listening to Rupert…sorry, I had to change pages there.  But that was a good place.  Rebecca gets real.  Real about what?  About listening to Rupert.  Now I am alone.  Ted hugs her real gentle.  Horn from rickshaw…Ted again shows how okay he can be with silence.  Jamie’s drinking some sort of blue drink.  Roy rolls up.  Yankee Doodle, they call Ted.  To you…Ted and Rupert, who is drunk…Ted calls him out.  Ted needs a co-pilot, the best.  Keeley and Rebecca in the restroom.  Jamie had another plus one?

 

Ends up that plus one is the person I was referring to that’s connected later on.  Sip of your drink…you ever dated a footballer?  Rebecca…we’ll get to this dialogue, though.  Pushes drink to Keeley.  Keeley says hello to Bex.  Roy…kind…Keeley bides Roy…sarvent stork?  Huh, this is interesting.  So, Keeley says hello to Bex.  Roy…kind.  Keeley bides Roy starvent stork.  Servant stack?  I don’t know.  Rupert; one mitten pads for the children.  One million pounds for the children.  Right.  Rupert moves on Bex.  Don’t judge a book by the cover.  All the way from outside…oh, so they get Cam…there’s…when…so, at some point, Ted and Higgins go out — that’s what I was referring to — to get a performer.  That performer is Cam, who they get on the outside, and Cam is…something.  People start dancing.

 

Beard…at first, the Beard does not want to dance.  Higgins has moves.  Oh, I put is this Marcus Mumford?  Nate at table…Beard does some head-banging.  Rupert leaves with Bex.  Jack can…oh, Jack…that’s Ted.  Oh, Ted; it’s not Jack.  Ted can see who he is, too.  He sees…says Rebecca, you’re not the only one that knows what Rupert’s really like.  Beard is in bad shape after the party.  Maybe he got dumped?  I don’t know.  Jamie…Keeley and Jamie…Roy scolds Keeley.  She apologizes.  Jamie is rude.  Being accountable matters, Jamie.  See you and whatever.  Keeley nods.  Two champagnes…go get drunk.  Ted listens to…voicemail.  Veronica…no, voicemail.  Michelle and Henry are coming to the game before the dame…the game before the dance.  The game before the something.  That’s the end of the episode.

 

Okay, Apple TV Plus here, and let’s see what we got here.  Apple Original…and Warner Brothers…AFC Richmond being booed by their fans, then we see the locker room.  Not without good reason…two down, half…two nil.  Sam tries to apologize to Jamie for a bad pass, and Jamie turns it on him.  Jamie’s hair is perfect, by the way, which is true of a lot of these footballers that look like they’re made from…sculpted from marble, which I could say Jamie does look like that.  But Roy and Jamie get a little back-and-forth.  At first, I thought Jamie was all talk, which I think he still is, but maybe not.  They’re having a little disagreement…easy, easy, easy.  What’s the first rule?  No disagreements in the locker room.  Jamie sticks his tongue out…for the love of Pistol Pete, we still got a second-half to play.

 

Sit down, everybody.  I wonder if he gets…Ted Lasso gets hot, because he always has multiple layers on.  I would be sweating up a storm.  Call me old one more time.  Don’t worry about it, grand-dad.  Sorry, he says…grand-dad.  Then they go back and forth again, then we have the intro, the opening.  Table 4…Rebecca’s using little Post-It flags on pushpins, it looks like, for who sits where.  Elaine Kenner, she had a horse thing.  Is the horse okay?  Higgins doing some good face acting.  Team divided…you know what I’m thinking about?  West Side Story, Sharks and the Jets.  Can they do a dance-off at the gymnasium?  They go, that didn’t go well.  Nate goes actually, it didn’t happen at the dance; it happened later.  At fifteen, I was a understudy for Anita, all-boys school.  Another juicy layer of the Nate onion.

 

Then say, chicken or steak?  Not both, Coach Beard.  Pick one or the other.  Okay.  Ted, who’s your plus one?  Beard.  No, he has a date.  What?  Nate, you want to come?  I’m free every night.  Nate the great.  Who’s that?  Nate the great’s gonna be my date.  For obvious reasons, we’d love to be at Table 8.  No.  Beard, you’re getting chicken.  Thumbs up.  Rebecca checking out dresses.  He’s got a great story; when I was seventeen…Ted, let me stop you there.  I don’t need a folksy anecdote.  This one’s a doozy, he says.  What do you need?  I gotta pick out a dress.  We just want to sit with Roy and Jamie, mend some fences.  I said yes, Ted, right.  Rebecca finds a black-and-gold dress.  It’s beautiful.  I don’t know.  Ted says yeah, fashion’s about confidence.  That’s why I wore pajamas to my prom.

 

But you don’t want to hear that story, so…you’re probably stressed about the shindig.  No, no, I’m fine.  Rupert and I used to do it together.  I did all the work anyway.  I’m totally mellow.  Oh, totally mellow.  Robert Robertson canceled…Robbie Williams canceled.  I just paused it so I could look up Robbie Williams, ‘cause it’s…Robbie Williams is…was also Robbie Peter Conway.  He was from Take That, 1990 to 1995 commercial excess…did a solo career in ‘96…seven number-one UK singles.  Twelve of his albums have reached one…number one.  Six of his albums are in the top 100 in the UK.  Best British Male Artist four times, won a bunch of MTV European Music Awards, and 75 million records worldwide.  Maybe that’s even in Australia…oh, worldwide.  Yeah, world…and then rejoined Take That in 2010.

 

Let’s see what else we need to know.  Take That…so, 1990 to 1995, sixteen-year-old Williams joined Take That.  They were looking for things like new members.  Williams performed leading vocals on their first top-three hit Could It Be Magic?, I Found Heaven, and Everything Changes.  By ‘94, he was having some ups and downs and he wanted to kinda explore hip-hop and other stuff.  Before the last tour, I think they broke up until they got back together.  Hung out with…people partied with Oasis, George Michael, and he couldn’t release any material until Take That was resolved.  Then yeah, later on in the…what do we call them, the tens?  Decided to work together, but the solo career started in 1996 with a cover of George Michael’s Freedom, then a bunch of other songs.

 

Life Through A Lens was the debut album, then a bunch of hits, videos parodying James Bond.  I’ve Been Expecting You was also a hit.  Did some collaborations with Pet Shop Boys, Neil Tennant and Neil Hannon from Divine Comedy, and 99 Cent Capitol Records.  Continued success…just trying to think of anything else.  Yeah, there’s…this is a in-depth Wikipedia article, holy cow.  FIFA World Cup Opening Ceremonies in 2018, Christmas present…so, it must be a Christmas album.  Williams has a strong interest in UFOs; that’s interesting.  Oh, he was part of a documentary on BBC Radio with Jon Ronson to a UFO convention.  Which…I wonder what one…which this…one this is.  I gotta listen to that.  I took a screenshot of it.  So, that’s Robbie Robertson, just in case.  Okay, back to the episode.

 

Not revved up at all…bad news…or good news…huge problem.  Robbie Rob…Robbie Williams has canceled.  Did I look up Robbie Williams or Robbie Robertson?  No, I did look up Robbie Williams.  Let me think…no, that’s fine, Rebecca says.  Higgins, you’ll find somebody better, so I’m not gonna worry.  That’s right.  World-class problem solver, then he almost drops his phone, but he catches it…backs out the door.  You got this.  Rebecca’s grateful.  Thank you, Ted.  Jamie’s getting dressed…he’s shaking his head.  I don’t know about this look.  No hoods, no zips, no graffiti.  His garden…there’s a squirrel outside.  Could be a banker, except I’m so smooth.  Rebecca said you gotta start getting into fashion if you want endorsements.  Jamie takes his shirt off and then puts his coat on.  She says what are you doing?

 

But then he says this is my look, babe.  So, he has a sport…or suit on with no shirt.  It is his thing.  I’m like a progeny.  Yeah, then Ted heads out of the office.  Ted’s looking sharp.  He’s on the phone calling his…playing phone tag with his wife, ex-wife.  Wearing the suit you told me I should bring.  You were right as always.  Okay, love you, miss you.  Give the little guy a squeeze.  Then we see a person playing…the busker.  Gotta love a troubadour, Ted says.  Here we go.  Then Nate is in a suit way too big for him.  I can relate.  I don’t know, he threaded that needle.  But Nate, let me ask you something.  Do you like it when your friends tell you the truth or not?  Nate says, I guess.  He goes, ‘cause that suit doesn’t fit.  Oh, it’s my dad’s.  Suits are expensive.

 

Nate looks like in…one of those movies with…Big where you…where you’re a little kid in an adult suit.  Then we see players on the red carpet looking smooth.  They all really have expensive, really nice suits.  Sam’s suit has that gold…the black tie, black shirt.  He tries to learn all the names of the photographers; Jerry, Dave.  Jamie goes out solo, raises his eyebrows, then Keeley comes out.  They kiss, then Rebecca’s like, I gotta get in there.  Can I have the red carpet for a second?  First she’s really nervous, so that’s when Keeley sees it and says hey, let me help.  She says hey, okay…one putting…one foot in front of the other, yeah?  Then put your hand on your hip and make a claw shape.  It’s the most flattering.

 

Then she goes behind the photographers and makes Rebecca laugh and pumps her up, and then Rebecca starts to have fun.  Yeah, she spins…I guess these…those are the moments that steal my heart, is just people being nice to people.  Such a hard thing to do, really.  I mean, not for…they make it look so easy.  Ted’s honest with Nate about the suit and the strutting.  He says hello to Rebecca.  She says Ted, you’re in a suit.  Nice to meet you, nice to meet you.  Go do your thing.  Friday night chess club, and they see the Beard and his date and his moves…it wasn’t a joke, but Nate laughed.  Oh, it isn’t…Roy does not stop for the photographers.  He’s in a black suit with a grey shirt and grey tie.  Also looks pretty sharp.  Ted says yeah, that’s what I did; I trapped all y’all.  So, have a seat, knuckleheads.

 

You split our rock…locker room…rocker room and locker room in half.  I like locker rooms in one piece, like my mother’s bathing suit.  They’re still going back and forth.  Lennon and McCartney, Shaq and Kobe.  That was the two…Woody and Buzz.  They got under each other’s plastic.  Wait, what does Nate say?  There’s too many layers to these jokes.  Got under each other’s plastic…Nate says oh, wasn’t Woody made out of cloth?  Dynamic duos had mutual respect, so let’s find the common ground.  Keeley says I think Nate looks nice in that suit.  Very chic.  Nate says, yeah.  He kinda messes up a birthday suit joke, and he goes it was funny when Ted said it, the birthday suit.  Keeley laughs.  Jamie says okay, how about we just agree that I’ll go get some drinks for everybody?  Maybe it’ll help, maybe it’ll hurt.

 

Oh, the other people at the table…oh boy, maybe I’ll rewind it and see who else is at the table.  Looks like a younger French guy who was also not being nice to Nate.  Huh, there’s…I thought…I don’t know who else is at the table.  There’s another…two people at the table, and then two empty seats, I guess one next to Roy.  Maybe there’s three empty seats?  I don’t know.  Might even be four empty seats.  I don’t…who knows?  Then we have Rebecca…Higgins says great news; we’ve eliminated a lot of guests.  I’ve talked to a number of guests, extensive list of people who can’t make it.  So, process of elimination on our way.  That’s when Ted says hey, just, you know, make fun of yourself at first.  Little trick of the trade.  People love it.  She goes well, what should I make…?  She says what should I make fun of myself for?

 

Ted goes oh, boy.  He goes, you know what?  Nope, never mind.  Well, I would…nope.  She goes, you’re not gonna walk into that one, huh, Ted?  He grabs the drinks for his table.  Good luck.  He goes, I thought of something…never mind.  Queen to Rook 4.  You playing a game without a board?  Carry on.  Knight to King 5.  She laughs.  Rebecca takes the stage, waves…the rest of the episode’s mostly contained.  Tenth annual benefit for underprivileged children.  Thanks for the kind donations.  I’d hug you, but I’m not much of a hugger.  Some really cool…the room they’re in really looks cool, and the lighting and stuff.  It really pays off later, too.  But yeah, you can bid on the Richmond players for dates.  That’s great news.  No hanky-panky unless the player signs a waiver.  That’s what Rupert says when he walks in.  Rupert?

 

Oh, you’re surprised?  Yeah, you said you weren’t coming.  Then he goes well, that’s what it means to be a ne’er-do-well, or a wealthy good-for-nothing.  He thinks he’s hilarious; he takes somebody’s champagne.  £800,000…let’s see how much that is in US dollars.  Looks like it’s around a million dollars right now.  So, that’s a lot of money.  Hopefully even more, Rebecca says.  Rupert says well, I’m crashing your party, but I hope you’ll have me here.  She goes, get him a seat at the boring table.  Only joking.  Rupert Mannion, Table 4.  Then Nate kinda almost gets a little flirty.  He says thanks for a drink…I think a martini, then he’s like oh boy, that martini’s too strong.  Then they saw Nate and he says please don’t do anything…I got a new suit.  They say oh, Roy said we can’t do anything anyway.  So, they can’t bother him.

 

It’s some sort of tomato bisque that Jamie spills on himself.  He has the face…fake ice…very fake ice cube.  Someone says I’m bidding on a date for you.  Oh, we just…I just saw Sam at his table in the background.  He was laugh…really laughing.  Now he’s eating and listening, Sam, over Roy’s shoulder.  Keeley and Roy are giving Jamie a hard time.  Sam just reached over and got something…not sure if it was a drink or salt.  Jamie storms off…Sam does not seem to have a plus one.  We see Bex in the background.  Now as Roy comes back or Rebecca…and then says jeez, Roy, what were you like when you were twenty-three?  Roy says primadonna.  Youth is wasted on the young.  You know how they say that?  Well, don’t let the wisdom of age be wasted on you.  Then Rebecca says Ted, can I talk to you for a second?

 

Ted goes, I came up with that second one.  Roy’s thinking, and then he comes…that’s when Nate comes to give him a hug.  Why are you so close to me?  Well, a hug…I was gonna hug you.  Now I changed my mind.  Right.  But he still hugs Roy.  Okay, we’re done.  Rupert’s cracking the table up.  Mr. Mannion, nice to meet you.  Oh, nice to meet the man who’s managing that club.  Used to be your club.  Of course it’s still my club in here, in my heart, dear.  Love of a sports team, eh?  Kinda like your best friend’s older sister; a lifetime obsession.  Just don’t tell Tom about his…that I love his sister.  Rupert actually gets that joke.  I love that.  Don’t love our last two losses, though.  It’s okay.  Maybe we’ll turn it around, huh?  He goes, I believe you.  Do you believe him, Rebecca?  She has an awkward moment believing Ted.

 

She goes, I believe in Ted.  He’s exactly what we needed.  Then she takes a big sip of champagne.  Then Rupert and her go back and forth, mostly Rupert being not kind.  She goes, it’s for the children.  Come on, step it up.  He goes okay, for the children.  Right, if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go talk to those other guests.  Love the dress.  Very youthful.  Good for you, Rupert says, very passive…not even passive, I guess.  Rebecca steps off, Ted goes…oh yeah, so…oh, he says oh, is Rebecca okay?  Ted goes yeah, there’s a lot of moving pieces.  Then Robbie Williams canceled.  Rupert says oh, Robbie’s a friend of mine.  I could probably get him here if she asks me.  He says I’ll run it up the flagpole, though.  Ted goes…says I’ll let her know.  Then Ted says I need a couple stronger, triple please.

 

Rupert says slight change in plans; I’ve been cajoled into doing the auction here.  His tuxedo’s actually a off-white jacket.  Jamie gets ready for his thing, and he goes Keeley, you have to win me.  She goes, I can’t bid on my own boyfriend.  They start with Jamie and Cheryl…Cheryl Barnaby.  Shetland ponies…£6,000…Keeley goes to six.  The Shetland pony lady goes to seven.  Bex goes to eight.  Stunning, the bid and the bidder, Rupert says.  Keeley then goes oh, no way, 12,000, 14,000.  Jamie’s happy.  16,000, 18,000, 25,000.  Going once, going twice, sold to Keeley.  That’s one of those things…I bet you Jamie was…won’t give her the money even though he probably…I’m sure Keeley does well, but I’m sure that in the world of football, Jamie would be making millions.

 

Rebecca’s looking at the rickshaw bike, at the Christmas lights.  Then Ted tells a story about running tandem bikes with his wife on vacation.  His story gets too personal.  Rebecca’s stressed.  You okay?  She goes jeez, that Rupert.  I used to think his blunt honesty was noble, but it’s really that he’s just a jerk.  He’s hiding his own insecurities.  He used to talk to me like that all the time, and I listened.  She goes now I’m alone, just like you said.  She was the one who ended the relationship, which is important to note.  But she says yeah, I don’t know if I want to feel this way.  Ted says hey, it’s okay, it’s okay.  He gives her a very, very gentle hug.  Really…I got a hug like this not that long ago from someone, like a gentle hug like that, and I said huh.

 

It was confusing to me, but looking at the way Ted did it, I say oh, that’s what that was.  You want to take a ride?  Maybe…not right now, thank you, on the bike.  He started the auction, huh?  Yeah, yeah.  Well, he’ll get a lot of money for it, so that’s great.  People love him no matter what he does.  Ted is thoughtful, but he can handle silence.  He goes, I’m gonna go back in.  She goes okay, I gotta freshen up.  I look like Robert Smith after he woke up from a nap.  I think that’s what she says.  Jamie’s drinking a blue drink.  Looks like a energy drink mixed with something else.  Roy goes there used to be this geezer, Doug S, and we didn’t…he was always on my case.  We loathed each other, but we won the league, just like Yankee Doodle was peddling.  We said let’s get it all out there and tell each other the truth.  Move past it.

 

But I get to go first.  Roy goes, you’re so selfish and arrogant.  I don’t like passing to you.  Jamie says you know, I had a poster of you on a wall when I…of you on a wall when I was a kid.  I loved watching you play.  But you’re not the player you used to be.  Just because you won a few trophies doesn’t mean everybody should kiss your behind, or your ring.  Roy goes yeah, I can be like that.  Jamie does not reciprocate.  Roy goes, you’re supposed to reciprocate.  Jamie goes, I don’t want to, even if it’s just a tiny bit true, Jamie says, and Roy nods, satisfied, I guess, almost.  He goes, do you and Doug ever get along?  Roy goes nope, still don’t like him.  They have a laugh.  Coach sees them and is happy.

 

Then he sees Rupert joking around with some of the players, and he goes did you think…did you ask Rebecca if she wants me to text Robbie and save the day?  He goes, I could.  I could get him right over here if you want.  Ted goes yeah, if you could have got him here, then you could have got him not to come, too.  Rupert kinda laughs it off.  He goes, that would make me a real jerk, huh?  Ted goes, yeah.  Actually, Ted doesn’t even say anything.  He just looks him down, man.  Then Higgins says do you think Rebecca knows who the…?  He goes, let’s go, Higgins.  We’re going on a adventure, the two of us.  I need the best as a co-pilot.  That’s you.  So, they head out.  Rebecca and Keeley are in the restroom.  She goes jeez, thanks, Keeley.  Those red carpet photos…I look good.

 

She goes Keeley, Jamie actually has someone else.  He has two plus ones here, someone else…the other woman bidding on him was his other plus one.  Keeley says, can I have a sip of your drink?  Thank you.  The fanciest restroom I’ve ever seen.  Or…yeah, I mean, a really fancy washroom.  Keeley says, have you dated a footballer?  Rebecca laughs.  She goes, I know it sounds judgey.  She goes, you are judgey, though.  Keeley goes yeah, I’m talking about my history dating footballers, kinda like Leo DiCaprio.  She goes, footballers are fun; simple, rich, fit.  What about accountable, Rebecca says?  Keeley says, what do you mean?  Well, everyone makes mistakes, but…she goes, Rupert never was accountable.  Just a heads up.  Keeley has a long look.  Rebecca pushes her drink over.  No more words need to be said.

 

Then Keeley introduces herself to Bex.  She says, can I have a minute with Jamie?  Lovely to meet you.  So, your new girlfriend?  Relax, babe.  It’s branding.  Two women bidding on me makes me look good.  I’m smart.  Next up is Roy Kent.  Bidding on Roy Kent.  Up next, granddad, Jamie says.  They say, highest bidder gets to go to the pool and have some daiquiris with Roy.  Roy goes no, no daiquiris, no sun rays, no pool.  We’re not leaving SW14.  Let’s look up what that is.  So, SW14, that’s a postal code in England within London.  631 postal codes within there.  Let’s see, I would say there’s actually stuff even on Ted Lasso Wiki.  Let’s see, it’s not…upon…that’s locally-focused Roy.  SW14 is not even the entirety of Richmond upon Thames, just one of their…parts of the region.

 

Southwestern London, Southwest has twenty postcode districts within the London post town line.  Both sides of the river Thames, and…yeah, I think that’s about it.  Boundaries…Westminster, Kensington, Chelsea, parts of them.  Hammersmith, Fullham, Wandsworth, Lambeth, Merton, Croydon, and the London boroughs of Richmond upon Thames and Kingston upon Thames.  Okay, so back…Jamie’s like oh, you were so jealous, to Keeley.  You think jealous is cool?  I don’t get jealous.  Jamie says…then Keeley bids £1,000 on Roy.  2,000, the pony person put…will go.  3,000…Jamie’s like, you’re embarrassing yourself.  5,000, £6,000…Shetland pony.  Sold to Cheryl, but Roy is…Keeley flips off…Jamie storms out.  Roy has a look on his face.

 

That concludes the auction, but I’m giving a million dollars, or a million pounds, which is probably about $1.2-1.4 million.  A bunch of people give Rupert a standing ovation.  Thank you, everybody.  I guess…I think that gets Rebecca over her goal.  Thanks, everybody.  He goes, for the children, huh?  She goes yeah, for the children.  She doesn’t say anything, I guess.  Then Rupert makes his move on Bex.  They go don’t worry, we got Cam Cole, mega talent.  Show them what you got, Cam.  Don’t judge a book by a cover.  Cam Cole actually is a real person in London.  Let’s see what we got here.  This is on looper.com.  A lot of pop-ups, though.  The guitar whiz, Cam Cole, is a busking one-man band who indeed calls London home.  He’s a real-life busker renowned for his rocking one-man shows, and his name is actually Cam Cole.

 

So he’s…it’s not Marcus Mumford undercover.  So, cool, so he’s…Cam starts rocking out and everybody is enjoying it.  People get up and dance.  Jamie does not want to get up and dance.  Beard can’t let the…he checkmates Jane, and she’s…she storms off.  She wanted to dance and not finish the game.  But everybody’s dancing.  We see Beard and Higgins…Ted and Rebecca are not dancing ‘cause they share their moment about…Jamie’s not dancing.  He’s kinda preening around.  He does do a…what you call…?  Oh, Nate doesn’t dance, either.  Nate sits uncomfortably.  Beard headbangs, and everyone’s enjoying it.  Rebecca and Ted are kinda like okay, people are enjoying it.  That’s good.  Everybody’s pretty sweaty already, then we see everybody leaving.  Rebecca’s thanking everybody.  Thanks for the donation, Rupert.

 

See you again next year.  Can’t wait, really.  Ted comes out…we see Bex was waiting for Rupert.  What a charmer.  Indeed.  Ted says, you might think you’re the only one who can see who he really is, but you’re not.  Rebecca’s surprised.  She smiles, impressed.  Beard comes out.  You alright, buddy?  He does a big sigh.  Okay, I gotta go deal with that.  Slow down, coach.  Hold on.  Then we have…Jamie tries to make it up with Keeley.  Can you stop being mad at me now?  She goes, you have to be accountable for something.  Then Roy…oh, first Roy goes, don’t use me in a prop in your arguments with Jamie.  It makes me feel used.  Keeley says I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have done that.  Roy says, thanks.  Then Jamie says F-off, but Roy and Keeley share a long look.  He goes, why are you being…saying sorry?  Being accountable matters.

 

She says, we’re done.  I’ll see you around.  Jamie can’t believe it.  He’s got a chain on now.  I don’t think he had one on before.  Maybe he did.  Keeley nods, then gets her champagne, grabs two bottles, rolls out, finds Rebecca, and says…they…they don’t say it, but you see…getting a nice payoff of them in the rickshaw getting drunk.  Ted’s on the phone.  I think he gets a voicemail saying hey, we’re coming to the game.  Oh no, he’s listening, and then he tells Beard, Michelle and Henry are coming out next weekend.  That’s great, Coach.  Tell me what happened with you and Jane.  He goes, I did it again.  Put the game before the dame, huh?  When are you gonna learn, Coach?  The episode comes to a close.  Goodnight.

 

[END OF RECORDING]

(Transcribed by Leah Hervoly)