1020 – Leap to Best Self | Good Place to Sleep S2 E9 & 10

Notable Language:

• Boysengirls Pie
• Mag-uh-nets
• Kierkegaard

Notable Culture:

• Remington Steele
• Puddle of Mudd
• Skrillex

Notable Talking Points:

• I’m a 68 degree person
• Some Good Hungover Extra Train Acting
• The late night park partying vibe

Episode 1020 – Leap to Best Self | Good Place to Sleep S2 E9 & 10

 

[START OF RECORDING]

 

SCOOTER:    Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s time for a sleepy trip, my patrons, to the Good Place.  I mean, I guess…yeah, to the…well, the Good…a place pretending to be the Good Place, but hopefully you won’t know the difference between the Good Place, the Medium Place, the Good…the place…the architect, the neighborhood, whichever number it is, ‘cause it’s time for Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.

 

INTRO:    [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing?  Trouble getting to sleep?  Trouble staying asleep?  Well, welcome.  This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  We do it with a bedtime story.  Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play.  I’m gonna do the rest.  What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever is keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts or feelings or physical sensations.  So, that could be things on your…thoughts like things on your mind from the past, the present, or the future, anticipatory thoughts or planning thoughts.

 

Those are kinda the ones I’m dealing with, so I got…like, but it could be…so, those…it could be feelings related to those thoughts or emotions that are just there, or maybe they’re unrelated to…they say well, I’m just having these feelings.  It could be physical sensations, changes in time or temperature.  I’ve got a lot of these covered right now.  Or routine; changes in time…I mean, it could be just your work schedule.  So far, I’ve checked off almost everything.  I’m wondering if I can do the…talk about that in a way that’s still soothing and in our intro, but…changes…whatever’s keeping you awake, I’m here to take your mind off of that, and if you’re new, I am so glad you’re here, and I really, really hope this podcast helps.  It does not work for everybody, and it almost works for no one on the first try.

 

Now, there are people…I know there’s listeners that are like Scoots, it worked for me on the first try.  I know, I know.  But I just want to make sure people understand hey, this just might not work for you on the first try, ‘cause it’s very different.  I’m gonna talk about that all coming up here, but the reason I make the show is ‘cause I know how it feels there in the deep, dark night if you can’t sleep.  I wish this podcast worked for everybody, but everybody’s got a little bit different taste and a little bit different thing that works for them.  But here’s the thing; whether this show works for you or not…and the reason I’m glad you’re here is ‘cause I can tell you this message; you deserve a good night’s sleep.

 

You deserve the rest you need, and I really hope I can provide that, because it’ll mean…it’s so rewarding to know I can help somebody else out, somebody like you who’s struggling, because I’ve been there recently, over and over again, but even when the times I’m sleeping good…because I say well, jeez, I know how that feels, and you deserve getting that rest ‘cause I…one, I know how it feels, but also I know that if you get the rest you need, you’re gonna feel a little bit better, your life’s gonna be a little bit more manageable, and maybe you could go out there and flourish or just not be dreading bedtime and dreading getting up.  That’s important to me, so I just wanted to point that out, is I’m really glad you’re here.  What I’m gonna do is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night.

 

I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, and pointless meanders, which means my voice is not perfect.  It’s a little bit different.  I’m gonna go off-topic, I’m gonna get mixed up, it’s gonna feel like this show never gets started and never goes anywhere, and I’m talking nonsense and I never get to the point.  That’s kinda part of the point.  I’m here to keep you company while you fall asleep.  So, a couple of things that go along with that, especially if you’re new; like I said, it takes a few tries to get used to this show ‘cause this is a podcast you don’t really listen to.  You just barely pay attention, kinda like…it’s background noise you could listen to, which is I guess different ‘cause you say well, that’s not background noise.

 

I say well, it’s like you can kind of drift in and out, kinda like TV in another room that doesn’t get on your nerves.  When I’m recording this, it’s the summer vacation season, which it won’t be when you hear this, but I have memories and a lot of people do of maybe staying in a hotel or a cabin or what they call on the East Coast a camp, which is not…it doesn’t have an…it’s like a cabin.  Somewhere between a shack and a cabin.  It’s not like a cabin ‘cause it’s not made of logs, but they always had thin walls and you could hear your parents watching TV.  Maybe it was tennis or maybe it was a show that was on at 10:00 that…you had to be in bed as a kid.

 

I don’t know what they would have been watching; Reming…it would have been the summer, so I don’t know if there was Remington Steele repeats or Riptide, but you could be listening to that as you fall asleep, and you kinda found it soothing for some reason, I think maybe contextually.  But I don’t know.  Like I’m saying, you could just kinda barely listen to me, and that does take some getting used to.  You say oh, okay.  But when are you gonna get…when’s the story gonna start?  I say well, eventually we’ll get there, and then I’ll backtrack and get mixed up.  ‘Cause you say wait a second, you’re gonna put me to sleep by talking about The Good Place?  I say yeah, I’ll be talking about it in a not…I mean, I love the show, so I’ll be talking about it in a good way, but in a way where I’m trying to read my handwriting.

 

I can’t decipher that, then I’ll say what was that again?  How did I forget that character’s name?  So, it’s a podcast you don’t really listen to.  It’s also, strangely enough…I guess that kinda goes along with it, but I don’t really…I’m not really  here to put you to sleep.  I’m here to be your bore-friend, your bore-bae, your bore-cuz, your bore-sib, your bore-bor, your neighbor, your bore-bruh, your bore-bestie.  I’m here to be your friend in the deep, dark night to keep you company and take your mind off of stuff, not really to put you to sleep.  So, if you can’t sleep for some reason, I’ll be here to the end.  Or if you fall asleep right away and you’re not listening to me, I’ll be here to the very end for you.  I’m here to keep you company whether you’re awake or asleep.  So, those are two important things.

 

You deserve a good night’s sleep; I said that earlier.  The other thing that can throw new listeners off greatly is the structure of the show, and the show is designed in a very specific way, but it’s also flexible.  So, as you become a regular listener, you can kinda change how you listen.  But the show is structurally designed and it’s very different than other podcasts, but some things are similar.  So, it starts off with a greeting; friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, or boysen girls, which is one of my favorite pies.  It’s made with boysenberries and fluff.  It hasn’t been designed yet except in the spur of my…my imagination just came, said wait a second, you might be onto something.  I’d say okay, well, maybe we’ll do that later.  So, the greeting is there so you feel seen and welcomed in.

 

You say oh, okay, well, let me come by and check this place out.  Then there’s support for the listener, like organizations you connect with, support for the community, and support for the show.  That’s how we’re able to be here for you for free, but there’s also resources for you as a listener.  The listeners…the support there, and then the support after the intro are there so the podcast, yeah, can be here for you free, can come out twice a week.  Those are part of our goals.  Then after that is the intro, which sometimes new people get mixed up; they say oh, is this all housekeeping?  I say no, the intro is kind of a show within a show where I explain what the podcast is, I go off-topic, I get mixed up, I take…and about 2% to 3% of people start the show at like, twenty to twenty-two minutes, and…’cause they skip the intro.

 

Then about two or three thousand people listen to story-only episodes on Patreon, but the other few hundred thousand people, they like the structure of the show, so they kinda listen, and the intro actually can be…there’s people that only listen to intros.  There’s actually a few thousand people that only listen to intros.  So, it’s kind of like…it’s a show within a show that never gets started and there’s really no…you say, it’s all tell and no show.  I say, you got that right.  Let me…I don’t even know what to say to that, other than what…so, yeah.  Those last few were unintentional.  Those were bonuses that my brain just provided, despite me saying let’s get moving to the point.  It said well, so…oh, so that’s the intro.  It just goes…it feels like it goes on and on.

 

It’s different every time because I have a theory that our brains just adjust.  That’s why other sleep stuff never worked for me…that I tried, because my brain would say well, I know where this is going now, so now I’m gonna tell you about all the stuff that’s keeping you awake, which for me right now is anticipation ‘cause I’m going…I’m driving someone somewhere tomorrow and I have to get up early, and then it’s like, are you gonna be able to fall asleep?  I’m also off my routine.  I’m not sleeping at home.  So, all those things can add up.  Yeah, so, it’s nice to have someone ideally to keep you company and take your…I say hey, what’s…that is…that does stink, or oh, you work on the fourth shift and you changed your work shifts?  Well, that kinda stinks.

 

Let me just be here to tell you a story and keep you company, ‘cause you and your sleep is important.  So, the intro is the beginning of that, just so your mind can’t adjust and say wait a second, ‘cause I never…I’ve never managed to talk…I mean, I talk about the same things in different ways all the time, but I’ve never managed to get through a intro in an efficient…even this one, I said let’s try to do this in ten minutes, and I don’t think we’re even close.  So, that’s the intro.  Then there’s business between the intro and the episode.  That’s just again so we can be here free twice a week, and that’s just [00:10:00] how podcast structure works.  Then there’s a story.

 

Tonight it’ll be…I’ll cover a couple episodes of The Good Place, I’ll talk about Michael’s ties, I’ll try to…I’ll talk about gardens, and I’ll forget a lot of stuff, and I’ll read my handwriting which is a bit like some sort of strange poetry, but without the poetic part.  Strange ramblings.  So, and then there’s some thank-yous at the end.  So, that’s the structure of the show.  I think that’s kinda everything.  The reason I make the show is ‘cause you deserve a good night’s sleep and…yeah, ‘cause I know how it feels.  Like holy cow, last night…oh, the temperature; that was the other one.  So, I’m not sleeping at home.  This is my first time sleeping in this bed that I’m sleeping on.  I got here yesterday and then I’m leaving tomorrow morning.

 

Then my host, which is someone directly related to me who I won’t name, they said hey, just set the temp…we’re in a very warm area in a very warm time of year.  It’s just the two of us and we’re sleeping in separate rooms.  They said hey, you’re the guest…and it’s a family member, so you…you’re allowed to utilize full guest privileges, in my opinion.  They said, set it to whatever temperature you want.  I want you to be comfortable.  Though, they’re a family member, right?  So, there’s also that aspect.  I said okay, and I actually didn’t set it to the temperature I wanted to.  I’m a 68-degree person in a hotel room, I guess.  But I said well, this is their house.  They had it at I think 74.  I said I’ll set it to 71 and I’ll make that work.  I’ll have minimal coverage on my body.  There was a ceiling fan, which was nice.

 

Then about…I woke up.  I don’t want to…this is just…this is my thing, you know, so I’m trying not to describe it too in-depth.  But I was…a lot of waking, and…but that was more related to the new bed and all that stuff, and different pillow…holy cow, I never even thought ‘til I made this podcast…I say, how many frickin’ different types…can we just…can we cut down on the styles of pillows people have?  So, anyway.  So, but then about 3:00, 4:00 in the morning, I had kinda settled down, I had gotten my pillows sorted out, or their pillows sorted out, and my sheets sorted out.  Somehow in my tossing and turning, I got most of the pillowcases off by accident.  But then I noticed the temperature, and I thought I had heard that…my family person moving around.  I said oh boy, it’s hot in here.

 

Then I said, it’s just your imagination, man.  You’re just…it’s just you.  I said I don’t know, it feels like…it doesn’t feel like 71 or 68 in here.  I said no, it’s just your imagination.  Then the time was crawling by.  I went out there and it was at like, 76.  I said, holy moly.  Then I said well, if I lower it again, then I’m gonna hear them get up again.  I said, let’s not engage in this ridiculousness, so I just went back to bed.  I did manage to fall back asleep ‘cause I did kind of a version of the podcast in my own head, and then this morning…I mean, this is a direct family member, so it’s…again, this is all part of our social compact, but they said how’d you sleep?  I said well, not very good; I got really hot.  They said well jeez, you should have…and I said well, I did set it to this temperature, and then now…and they said oh yeah, it’s not at that temperature now.

 

We all laughed together ‘cause we accept one another and we love one another.  That’s the truth about the show, too.  It’s like…but tonight, I’ll get up as many times as necessary to lower that thing down.  We’re gonna be at 70 for…so anyway, I guess because I’m not a perfect person, right?  I’m flawed on multiple levels and that’s okay, and it’s okay that that person…that’s part…this is the game of life.  Oh boy, being human.  If the podcast can help any of that…holy cow, how much better would it have been if I had a sleep podcast or if I had thought to turn on one of the sleep podcasts at sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou for people the podcast doesn’t work for?  That could have interrupted all those…maybe I just would have slept through the night.  So, I hope I can keep you company or help you fall asleep.  I’m really glad you’re here.  I really appreciate you checking the show out.  Thank you so much.  I work hard, I yearn and I strive, and here’s how I’m able to do it for you for free twice a week.  Thanks.

 

Alright everybody, we’re talking about Season 2, Episode 8, Leap to Faith.  I’ll read through my notes first.  Shawn’s at desk, red report in folders…covers.  I noticed this; I didn’t think it came up in the episode.  There’s a small, black box on Shawn’s right.  I thought it was gonna play out in the episode and I wanted to pay attention to it, but it doesn’t.  I don’t think it plays…I don’t know.  Zoom on Michael.  Hair out of whack.  Michael’s shocked.  I’m jubilant.  High Council, promoted…thumbs down, senior staff pin.  Chapter 2…everybody’s in the waiting room.  The Soul Squad, I mean.  We see the tea cart.  Chidi’s standing, arms crossed on the…well, if you’re on…to Chidi it would be…Chidi would be on the left side of the room.  If you were facing Chidi, Chidi would be on the right side of the room.  Or no, maybe not.

 

Maybe if I was face…maybe Chidi thinks Chidi’s on the right and I think Chidi’s on the left.  I’m just not good at…and then there’s a loveseat or a sofa.  Eleanor and Tahani are sitting down, and Jason is sitting on the arms of the sofa.  I did a diagram, but again, I didn’t…it’s from above, so I don’t know.  I said well, which side’s the wall?  But I think Chidi’s on the left if we’re facing them.  If we’re the wall that says Welcome to the Good Place, Chidi may be on the left or on the right.  Jason covers everything or cool cloud?  Cool cloud.  He saw a cool cloud.  I don’t know what that ‘covers everything’ means.  I think he covers everything with Tahani.  Shawn comes out.  Open at the open.  Michael and Shawn.  Oh, no.  Janet is a little drunkish.  Magnets…I feel fine.  Then the Soul Squad is having a conference at Eleanor’s house.

 

Tahani throws some shade over Ben Affleck.  Eleanor looks at table from the episode where Michael had his breakthrough at the end of the last episode, before he went into his office and Shawn was there.  Again, strong, thematic…I mean, wow.  Is this…is The Good Place considered a sitcom?  ‘Cause there’s strong growth and change, so I don’t think it is a sitcom.  No offense to sitcoms.  But Tahani shuts Jason down.  Argue with you, open with you, ogre with you.  Eleanor smiles.  What?  Who’s with me?  I’m down to argue with you.  What’s his…Keebly…Keebler kiree?  Keebler kairee?  Said watched Kierkegaard…oh, Keeb…what’s his name?  Keebly?  Keebler?  Said watch worth…sandwich something…Kierkegaard.  Leap of faith.  No, more of a leap into faith.  Eleanor says, we gotta trust Michael.

 

Shook by do…Derek…something.  Shook by Derek charm.  Eleanor trusts him.  Sit of doubling.  Sit of doubting?  Bit of doubting?  Jason…slow shands.  Gold time cops.  Don’t worry, some of this will become apparent when I actually run the episode.  Gold time cops, Jason and Shawn…task…[00:20:00] Vicky shows up.  They can’t be Jason and Shawn.  Vicky shows up all mad.  Jason and somebody talk, though.  Maybe?  I don’t know.  No rule-bots.  Man want…mama wants her promotion.  You heard?  Oh, mama wants a promotion.  You heard?  Town square, smoky, table…souls…oh, so there’s a table where there’d be…at a wedding or a presentation.  So, a long table in the front of the room with a podium in the middle.

 

The Soul Squad’s on the left of the table, though they would say they were on the right of the podium, though if you’re facing them, you’d say they’re on the left.  If you were giving seat assignments, I don’t know, I guess you’d say you’re sitting to the right of the podium.  There’s a thumbs-down symbol on the podium.  Shawn is sitting on the right with flowers and water.  Michael whispers to Janet.  Vicky watches.  All the Bad Place people are full of joy.  It’s a comedy roast.  Derek…Bortles…Michael’s wearing a velour suit, kind of a blue-gray color.  The demons love his humor even though it’s not very good.  Then at eleven minutes left in the episode, the party really starts, which we’ll pause for after we run through my notes.

 

So, I was wrong, Eleanor says, and then we cut to commercial ‘cause I think…oh no, we really are going to the Bad Place.  Then we’re at the night of the party.  Bad Janet is djing.  Michael sucks now.  Blake Bortles is a cool name.  Derek…Derek Bortles…something name.  Eleanor smiles.  It’s a dumb name.  Oh, so that…Eleanor realizes that’s a trick.  Oh, so there’s a three-headed dragon at some point during the party.  Michael whispers to Janet again.  Michael has a very confident look on his face.  Vicky tries to something.  Free…Janet…Victoria comes, maybe?  Oh, no; she calls her Victoria.  Janet calls her Victoria.  Pause for the morning after.  The humans are escaping.  Party’s over.  Call another train.  Vicky, you didn’t.  You aided the humans.  Sam, the neighbor flood.  Scan the neighborhood.  Gas for Vicky.

 

Pre-disaster.  Gooey cocoon.  Michael asks Shawn for something.  Everyone else on the train…train pulls out.  Michael’s so sad.  It was like The Goonies a little bit.  I don’t know why I put that.  I guess he was so sad and over the top, maybe it was like when the…oh, I guess it maybe reminded me of the moment with Chunk and…I forget the other character’s name.  You’re gonna live with us now, sloth.  Leap into faith.  Janet…hungover.  Flashback; use Janet’s Derek clues.  Transform last swing.  Runs off.  Use Derek to drive the train.  Hang onto your buttcheeks.  You, under the trolley…1,200 clues.  So glad.  Framed Vicky.  Something smooth…vidikey…something hiding something.  Oh, apologize for roast.  Take a moment.  We got a chance.  Hoping Mindy…like pretend…for Vicky.  Alright, so let’s run the episode now.

 

Michael’s tie’s loose.  Shawn’s there.  Shut the door; have a seat.  Zoom on Michael.  Red reports…we all laughed at you, Michael.  Thomas Edison of incompetence.  It picks up right where the last left off.  You pulled it off.  Things are amazing.  These reports were remarkable.  Humans are really unhappy.  Then even our most successful Bad Place things…I’m jubilant.  Shawn’s like…has no…shows no emotion, so…and we’re gonna expand it.  You’re gonna oversee things.  You’re being promoted.  There’s your staff pin.  Michael still has a gray checks sport coat on from the last couple episodes, ‘cause not that much time’s elapsed.  He’s like, this is all I ever wanted.  Holy cow.  Alright, we’re happy.  He goes to the Good Place.  Chapter 22…yeah, Chidi is on the left and Jason’s on the right.  He’s really relaxed.

 

Eleanor has one foot up on the sofa.  They’re talking about something.  Jason’s making jokes.  Then Tahani says Jason, we gotta talk about stuff.  Then he says yo, Chidi, you want to hear about this cool cloud?  Shawn calls them in.  Oh, they didn’t realize Shawn was there, I guess, until then.  Michael says I’m putting the burn on everybody; surprise, suckers, you’re in the Bad Place.  They laugh.  That’s right, nerds.  Everything around you is a elaborate way to fool you, designed just for you.  So, we’re in the Bad Place, Eleanor says.  Why are you…so, then they’re very confused, obviously, and unsure.  He introduces Shawn.  I guess that was their first time meeting Shawn.  Shawn doesn’t know about the reboots, though.  He only thinks this is the second one.  You’re gonna go to the Bad Place and it’s not gonna be fun.

 

Michael’s laughing.  He’s even moving around.  Michael, is this all true?  Yes, it is, Eleanor.  There’s a zoom on Eleanor ‘cause she…he says you’re a rube.  You thought you could be a better person?  Philosophy doesn’t help.  Fear and trembling, ha, ha, ha.  He says, boring and stupid.  I said, that sounds like…kind of Sleep With Me.  I wouldn’t use the ‘s’ word.  I’d say goofy.  Michael says let’s have a farewell party tonight, jam to some tunes and trash the neighborhood.  Maybe Janet can help.  Janet?  She’s in…oh, they think…maybe your Janet would help.  No, Janet’s not gonna help.  She’s wearing magnets.  I don’t understand this little plot point, ‘cause it said Michael was the one that had the Good Place Janets, but…oh, maybe ‘cause they…Janet’s neutral.  Now they’re at Eleanor’s.  Jason’s throwing a moss ball around.

 

Chidi’s in the butterfly chair and they’re all sitting down kind of debating stuff.  Eleanor’s in the background, really…and then she looks over at the table.  She says no, I can’t believe we would trust anybody from the Bad Place.  We’re out of options.  Chidi’s like, maybe we should just tell on him and make a deal.  Maybe we should go to Mindy Sinclair’s.  Those are our only options.  Oh, Tahani really is not nice to Jason.  She goes yeah, you can’t weigh in.  He was like, I was gonna agree with you.  Oh, okay.  They say Eleanor, what do you think?  She says, I think we go.  We gotta trust Michael.  Really good confidence.  She stands.  We have to assume he’s on our side.  Who’s with me?  Nobody.  Then she kinda goes over things.  She’s taking…really taking a leap into faith.  Kierkegaard; super-depressing religious guy, the buzzkill.

 

Cures Cedric, Keebler’s elves?  No.  Kierkegaard.  Yeah.  He used…Michael used his name.  Maybe he was telling us to take a leap of faith.  That was his thing?  No, leap into faith.  So, Michael wants us to trust him.  Spoke to him with…after the Derek thing.  He was shook.  Talking about being human and ethics.  Eleanor’s like, I believe him.  Tahani is saying yeah, I don’t know.  They’re talking about pancakes or something.  Crepes, maybe.  She goes, I don’t think Michael’s on the…in the bad side.  I think he’s on the good side.  Chidi’s really thinking about it.  Why would he say a leap of faith?  Why wouldn’t he call it something else, use other words?  Jason says this is getting out of hand.  Maybe we should tell an authority figure.  They say dude, where do you think we are?

 

Then they’re back talking about Tahani and Jason being together.  How’d you come up with that idea?  Vicky storms in.  Michael says let me talk to her in the hall.  She says yo, you taking all the credit?  Michael says don’t worry, this could work out great for us.  [00:30:00] We just gotta play it right.  We can’t tell…let Shawn know that something’s off, so…they say…she says okay, if that happens, we’re all going down.  So, spread the word; no one talks about the reboots.  Vicky says, fine.  You better make this right, though.  Mama want a promotion.  You heard?  She walks off.  Then we go to the roast situation.  Michael’s…he’s really mean.  Everybody’s drinking…a lot of people are drinking out of red solo cups which is something that Bad Place people might do.

 

There is yellow and red roses, four bowls of them at the table, in water glasses.  Janet just dipped her finger in her water glass.  Michael burns Jason.  There’s also ashtrays; Jason’s playing with an ashtray, I just noticed.  Again, at some season, we’ll see the Bad Place, that that makes sense.  He says yeah, jaguars…he’s just making fun of…everything’s very over the top.  Jason’s like dude, the jaguars aren’t that bad.  Eleanor says, don’t worry about it.  They’re just trying to make fun of…Michael’s just acting.  Then he goes after Tahani.  He’s very good at pretending like he’s reading…it’s very good fake acting, even by the Bad Place people, even though they’re not real…I mean, they’re not really pretending to act.  They’re just laughing at Michael’s jokes.

 

Then he goes after Eleanor, calling her a demon, and how could you think you deserve a Medium Place?  You’re not a good person.  I say wow, that really hurts, but Eleanor’s looking at him with still confidence, and she even says…oof, yeah, she talks about Chidi and how he’s being funny ‘cause he’s not nice.  Chidi’s like, we’re good friends, though.  Michael says don’t worry about it.  I don’t need to talk about Chidi ‘cause no one talks about Chidi.  He’s going on and on.  Really good sport coat or suit coat.  I can’t see his pants.  Navy pocket square and bow-tie.  Some people are drinking out of bottles.  Shawn kicks backs…back and laughs.  Michael kicks up, and then the party starts.  Giraffe running, fireworks, smoke, giraffe, cut to commercial, then it’s night.

 

Bad Janet…there’s some sort of spinning board like you’d see at a raffle, with the money…like a money wheel.  They’re playing Puddle of Mudd, people are still drinking out of solo cups, having bonfires.  Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer is up next.  All the Bad Place people are having a time.  Soul Squad’s watching.  Even the…there’s a bonfire in the fountain.  Eleanor says yeah, maybe I was wrong.  Tahani says, I can’t believe it.  Chidi says yeah, I guess we gotta tell Shawn about the reboots and try to see if he’ll go easy on us, or free Janet and go to Mindy’s.  Then Jason’s…I can’t believe he doesn’t remember Derek…Derek Bortles’ name.  Blake Bortles’ name; not Derek Bortles.  That’s not a cool name.  That’s when Eleanor says, oh.  Then we see the three-headed dragon.

 

Confident Michael whispers, and then Vicky rolls up on Michael.  Relax, Vicky.  Enjoy yourself.  It’s a party.  Come on.  Vicky says hey, why does Michael keep whispering to you?  Something, something, Vicky, something something.  Can I braid your hair?  Then Vicky’s trying to let Janet go.  She kinda gets caught by Gayle.  She’s still trying to free Janet.  Get your own bracelets.  Then it’s the next morning.  People are waking up.  DJ’s still playing the music.  Same songs; Puddle of Mudd and Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer at the…together.  People are getting up from sleeping.  There’s graffiti.  Great work, Shawn says to Michael.  Then Vicky says I got some interesting information.  Oh, humans are getting away.  Train goes off.  Vicky tries to frame Michael.  Michael…Shawn says scan for the humans.  Call another train.

 

How did they free Janet?  Somebody tells on Vicky.  Oh, Gayle does.  She says yeah, it was…Vicky was trying to do it.  They say oh, no.  Vicky, were you trying to…were you jealous of Michael?  She says no, Michael’s a liar.  There’s people in the back…there’s some really good…I didn’t notice this until just now, but you should definitely watch…let’s see, what time is left?  So, there’s about seven and a half minutes left in the episode.  You gotta watch the extras get on the train drunk and hungover.  Really good stuff.  Bad Janet does the neighborhood…scans the neighborhood.  I didn’t find any of the humans.  I did find some gas in my rear.  Vicky gets cocooned.  It’s very gooey.  We’re gonna have to keep this on the downlow.  Everybody’s gotta keep it quiet.  Michael, you shut the neighborhood down.

 

How do we get the humans back from Mindy’s?  Shawn says I’ll figure that one out.  I’ll start the papers.  Get rid of this neighborhood.  We’ll see you later, buddy.  Train heads out and we see the Soul Squad hiding on the tracks.  Jason’s laughing.  Everybody else is stressed.  There’s a zoom on Michael.  He starts crying.  So, over the top in just a very interesting way.  He hugs Eleanor.  She says it’s okay.  Janet still has her bracelets on.  Then they go back to the train station.  He takes off her bracelets and they run through.  Wait a second, how did this all work out?  Leap into faith.  Michael says I left you clues.  Janet says I’m hungover, so tell me what…recap what…how you figured it out, but quietly.  Michael sent us a code.  We had to crack it.  Jason figured out the first clue.

 

Derek, Blake Bortles, Derek Bortles, so, it’s a little bit like a mystery.  Then we see Eleanor crack it.  Wait a second, Michael wouldn’t have…couldn’t forget Blake Bortles’ name.  You say it a million times a day.  So, he must be telling us to use Janet’s Derek for something.  There was clues in the roast.  Let’s go to the train station and brainstorm.  So, then Eleanor goes okay, what did he say?  Tahani, anything meaningful for you?  My life is pointless and empty.  But no, it’s something we didn’t know that stood out.  Yeah, the end of the party, the last song.  Oh, okay, the last song.  There’s an idea there.  The host would leave during the last song; that doesn’t happen.  So, maybe we’re supposed to wait ‘til the end of the party when everyone’s most distracted, use Derek to drive the train, Chidi says, ‘cause he has Janet’s powers.

 

Then they call…Janet comes in.  Go get Derek from your void.  So, I’ll get Derek.  Derek’s good at driving trains.  Also, the payoff at the end is really good with Derek and Mindy Sinclair.  So, they say okay, then they say wait a second, there must be another clue.  When should we go, and how?  Well, not a Medium Place.  You don’t deserve it.  This is the place you’re supposed to be, Eleanor.  Okay, so, we have to stay here.  So, it’s a bit of a jump, but it makes sense.  So, Derek’s supposed to take the train, but we shouldn’t get on there.  Then it says…Chidi, didn’t you want to be under the trolley?  Oh yeah, so we hide under the train at the end of the party, and you drive off.  So, do that at the last song of the night, Derek.  Okay, and then we’ll fly solo.  Maximum Derek.  Then we hid it, and no one knew.

 

They scanned for us but we were under the train, so they couldn’t see us.  We got all the clues.  Michael says I left 1,200 clues.  But you’re humans, so your brains…but I got…you got enough to figure it out.  How did you escape?  Well, I framed Vicky.  Not exactly ethically…I just whispered stuff in Janet’s ear.  It made her paranoid.  Something, something, Vicky, something, something is what you whispered.  So, Janet was able to tell Vicky the truth.  Then they free Janet.  They frame her for the escape.  Oh, boy.  Guys, I want to apologize.  I had to sell it since everyone was watching.  [00:40:00] That was funny, right?  No.  Tahani was good.  Then they’re happy, all the Bad Place…we might actually have a chance to get to the real Good Place.  Everything we wanted, Chidi says.

 

They say, I hope they like Mindy’s present, which was Derek and some other things that…some…Vicky was looking to ski in the powder or snowboard in the powder, fresh power.  Mindy says, finally a companion I can work with.  The episode ends.  Alright, so we’ll just roll into the next episode.  Let’s see, Michael…they’re…it picks up right where we left off.  They’re leaving the train station.  Get out of this miserable shirt hole.  Not so fast.  Michael says, it’s not easy getting to the Good Place; there’s no train.  I have to make up a vehicle.  Jason says, is it Optimus Prime?  There’s multiple great Optimus Prime jokes.  Jason has this great moan he makes, but Eleanor says we’re in a hurry, so let’s go.  Then to…there’s a joke about Tahani in business class.  Michael pulls up these plans.  He starts trying to figure it out.

 

It looks like a astrolabe.  Janet…he says Janet, build this.  Oh, forgot to log in with my security question.  Give me a second.  My childhood apart…core’s off.  Then a balloon…a hot-air balloon, a golden hot-air balloon appears.  Jason says, dope.  We’re going to the Good Place.  We had just saw some…what does that say?  Oh, rest in eternal misery, suckas.  That’s one of the pieces of…and then another one says rest in pee.  So, that was some of the Bad Place notes they left.  A gold balloon…Jason calls shotgun.  Ultimate shotgun; riding on the top.  Good Place, Chapter 23.  I think this is called Best Self.  Or is that all it’s called?  Yeah, Best Self.  They’re having their last batch of froyo.  Jason enjoyed the froyo.  No one else did.  Then they say okay, what is gonna be…what’s your Good Place?

 

‘Cause Jason hopes he gets more froyo in the Good Place.  But this was giving me a tummy-tum-tum, so I…that’s how I knew it wasn’t gonna be the Good Place.  Eleanor says a beach, Mai Tais, and being able to catch up on my texts on my phone.  Tahani says together, but separate houses would be great.  Why more froyo?  Chidi wants a unlimited library, philosopher heroes, rigorous intellectual debate, and air conditioning.  Soul mates; hope they’re real.  He goes, oh…I mean, all of us get soul mates.  Janet comes back.  Okay, who’s ready to go ballooning?  There’s this white portal they have to walk through, which Janet will say only those who have got self-realization can go through there, where their soul shall be weighed and…the best version of herself or passage will be denied.

 

Eleanor says, I think I am the best version of myself.  With Chidi’s training, we should…we got…I think we’re gonna be fine.  I’m gonna go for it.  She takes a breath, she steps through.  It turns green.  She goes, I didn’t even believe anything I was saying, but whatever.  Tahani goes through; it turns green.  Jason crosses his fingers.  It goes green.  Chidi smiles, like this big, funny smile.  It goes red.  Jason goes okay, that’s a pattern; green, green, green, red.  Chidi says yeah, I had some doubts and some…so, maybe that’s what’s causing this.  They go back to the town square.  They talk about it.  Chidi says this is our best versions of ourselves, but they can’t be ‘cause there were so many…802 versions of us.  I don’t know if this is my best self.  What if it’s 85 or 322 or 558?  Jason says, or 420.

 

He goes, who knew if there was even the best Chidi yet?  So, he’s stressed, Chidi might be an impostor.  Eleanor says calm down.  You made all of us better, so we became the best versions of ourselves because of your help.  So, doesn’t matter, 492 or whatever, ‘cause the best version of me is my effect on the world around me, not my self image.  Hoo boy, deep, deep stuff there.  Deep cut.  Eleanor says okay, let’s go back and weigh our…go through the portal.  But then they show a quick shot of her having doubts.  Chidi goes first, gets onboard.  It’s a really nice effect, too, the level of green.  Tahani goes second.  She gets on.  Jason crosses his arms and his fingers like a water slide.  Eleanor’s got Stan Smiths on.  She goes red.  Chidi’s in my head.  Cut to commercial.  She says, okay.

 

Then she said oh, by…I took this necklace from your house, Tahani.  That probably…I apologize for stealing that.  Still red.  Okay, then we have this gift basket.  Let’s take a look at this thing.  Janet’s holding a gift basket.  It has…see if I can…can I zoom on that?  Oh, I kinda can.  Cut…there’s chips, some sort of egg.  It looks like a giant bell.  Probably some bags of candy or something.  Eleanor says remember when I was on the tape at Mindy’s and I was vulnerable and honest?  That Eleanor’s better than this one.  She goes, that’s not easy for me to say, but that’s a better version of myself, so…they say Michael, tell us about the…what reboot was that?  He goes, 119.  Instead of yogurt it was kebab places.  He goes, you had a pet that went to the bathroom a lot.  Eleanor says, what about Chidi and I’s relationship?

 

Well, it was the ethics classes; a lot of time together.  One night you handed him a tissue before he sneezed, and that made him fall in love with you, that simple act.  Then you took a walk by a lake, had your first kiss.  Michael doesn’t like the idea of humans kissing.  He’s not in for that.  I don’t know, the relationship bloomed after that.  Tahani says okay, there’s some un…we all gotta talk out our relationships, so let’s do that, and then…or she goes, why don’t you stay behind and I’ll go ahead, book a table like an advanced team, and…with the…you can stay behind.  So, then she turns red.  She tries to tell the machine who she is.  Janet says, I’m the best version of myself because I’m constantly updating.  Then Eleanor says no, you’re not, because you haven’t talked about your feelings with Jason.

 

You haven’t talked that out.  Love triangle.  She goes no, it’s a five-dimensional blob, love is.  Janet tries to get on the balloon and the machine goes to Christmas red and white stripes.  Michael gets a tummy-tum-tum ‘cause everybody’s disagreeing.  He goes oh, I’m having a lot of emotions after sad.  He goes, you’re only supposed to have two emotions.  They say Michael, what’s going on?  He goes well, the problem isn’t any of you.  I faked it.  This balloon’s a fake.  I don’t know how to get to the Good Place.  Never have, never will.  Eleanor says, wait a second.  Michael says, sorry.  Cut to commercial again.  Then they say okay, so, you had a plan to get us to the Good Place; that was all made up.  Okay.  Michael says yeah, I thought if I could buy us some time, I could figure it out.  Tried a billion ways.  A billion and twelve, actually.

 

None of those worked.  The only way so far to get to the Good Place is to be a good person on Earth.  Tahani’s miffed.  Everybody’s mad.  Michael said but while I was trying to figure that out…I was taking the ethics, learning it was bad to lie, so I failed at the Good Place and I learned the error of my ways.  Rock bottom for a demon.  But I really did want us to get in.  Jason says, so what happens now?  Well, Shawn’s gonna figure out Mindy’s…and he’ll figure out somebody was helping you, realize that it’s me, and then we’ll be in the Bad Place again, back where we started, and you’re mad.  Eleanor says no, I’m disappointed.  He realizes that’s worse.  Are we out of options?  Not completely.  Eleanor doesn’t give up.  We can do what Shellstrops have always done when the chips are down; drink heavily, ignore our problems.

 

Janet, a million bottles of booze, please.  [00:50:00] So, then we go back to the town square and there’s music playing, there’s some tables and lights.  Tahani sits down with Jason and talks about wishing he could pop the balloon.  Tahani says listen, I think it’s best we take a break here, end our relationship.  Probably…I better find my own self-worth and happiness.  In the past, I’d encounter obstacles and say let me speak to your manager.  There’s no one that can fix things for me but me.  Jason talks about his mom was the manager at a pet store that he borrowed some stuff from with his mom, but it was also a dream.  Tahani laughs and says okay, thanks; kisses him on his cheek.  Eleanor’s drinking margaritas with Chidi until they’re buzzed.

 

She says jeez, just in case we’re ethically doomed, I do have feelings for you, so…and I know you don’t feel the same way, so don’t say anything.  That fills me with anger and confusion because…but I just wanted you to know the truth.  Chidi looks up and she goes, I don’t want to hear what you have to say about it.  Chidi goes, here’s the thing about me; you know the sound a fork in a garbage disposal makes?  That’s how my brain is.  I said, maybe you should listen to Sleep With Me, Chidi.  Constant grinding, things I’m afraid of, things I want to come or want to want.  But the point is, we met under pretty wild circumstances and that just makes the grinding harder.  I wish we’d meet the way normal people meet, like at a philosophy lecture, or you come by my office looking for help with philosophy.

 

Eleanor goes, that’s not how normal people meet.  Then they get on the dance floor.  She makes a toast.  We don’t know which version of ourselves this is, but who cares?  This is the good people we’ve all become.  To Eleanor, our unofficial leader.  You have some heart and grit in that scrappy little frame, Tahani says.  That’s the nicest thing you’ll ever say, babe.  To Janet, the best robot.  Not a robot; to a girl.  Not a girl; Jason says straight-up hottie.  Yes.  Janet says…they say Janet, why don’t you say something?  She goes, Janets typically don’t give speeches.  Then they say Michael, how about a toast?  Who’s the best…?  Michael’s definitely the best version of himself, Chidi says.  He admitted he made a mistake, admitted he was wrong.  That makes him better than 90% of humans.  Eleanor says, it wasn’t Michael’s fault.

 

We couldn’t have got there, too.  We’re not…none of us are that great.  The point is, we forgive you.  So deep, so much stuff in this little, simple box.  Just try your best.  Oh, that was my favorite line and I talked over it.  Hold on, let me rewind.  So, Eleanor says…after she put…she goes, we forgive you.  You tried to find a way to the Good Place, and that’s the greatest thing someone can do, just try your best.  So, we make you our honorary human.  They toast.  Now it’s kinda champagne.  Here’s the human starter kit we put together for you; car keys to lose.  It says Michael’s Starter Kit.  Band-Aids for human bodies, stress ball that I’ll think about recycling and never will.  I’m thinking I’ll use it one day.  A book on food and stuff, stuff I have no real use for.  Welcome to being human, to Michael.  Then they do some dancing.

 

There’s fun dancing.  Jason does a robot.  Janet does some cool reverse dance.  Jason and Chidi have a little dance-off, then there’s some slow dancing.  Eleanor and Chidi do some real close slow dancing where she puts his head on…she puts her head against his chest.  His eyes are closed.  He’s holding her hand.  Then there’s the 5:00 AM, 4:00 AM in the park partying, if you’ve been partying all night thing.  Picnic…text comes in from Shawn.  Shut everything down.  Get on the train.  We’ll find the humans; don’t worry about it.  Sorry, making soup.  Sorry, didn’t mean to say soup.  Soon.  Okay, bye.  Then it kinda puts a dull thing…what do you guys think the Bad Place is gonna be?  Jason says a Skrillex concert waiting for the bass to drop and it never does.  Eleanor says camping.  I wouldn’t like…camping’s not my thing.

 

Chidi says well, I’m pretty good at that, making everything tough.  Tahani says Swiss Alps in the off season and autumn.  Yeah, and you’ll probably end up running the Bad Place.  She’s kinda doing a little bit of Tahani.  Then they’re all making fun of…then she goes, wait a second.  Tahani thinks of the solution; we should ask for the manager.  I thought there was a judge we could talk to, Michael, disputes between the Good Place and the Bad Place, a head honcho who we could wag a finger at disapprovingly.  Michael says the judge really…rarely talks to us.  Plus, you gotta go to a…through a portal.  We can’t get to the portal ‘cause we’d have to go through the Bad Place in plain sight, and then reach and pass through the portal without getting caught, convince the judge to hear us out even though we didn’t go through the…case isn’t winnable.

 

Eleanor takes a swig from a wine bottle and says let’s do it.  Jason does his half-smile.  What do we have to lose?  Come on.  Michael’s breathless.  Well, alls I wanted to know is what it feels like to be human.  Now we’re gonna do the most human thing of all; something futile with a ton of unearned confidence and fail spectacularly.  Get up, everybody.  Get some rest tonight.  Tomorrow we’re going to the Bad Place, first thing.  Cuts.  We go back to Eleanor’s house.  Chidi says goodbye to his chalk board.  Eleanor says goodbye to her big-shoed, small-carred…car friends.  Goodbye, house.  Goodbye whatever was post-modern.  Michael’s at the train station.  Bad Janet shows up.  He marbleizes her as she’s kind of doing her boarding speech.  So, she’s marbleized.  He throws her…oh, no he doesn’t.  He just picks it up.

 

Are you okay to leave this fake Good Place behind?  Oh, this is funny; so, let me read this dialogue.  Eleanor says, you could…okay…I’m okay with you guys…no, no; as long as I’m with you guys, I’m always in the fake Good Place.  Eleanor says, wait a second.  He goes, okay, the real Bad Place was the friends we made along the way.  No, doesn’t work.  In a way, the Good Place was inside the Bad Place all along, or the Bad Place all along.  Technically, we’ll give it to you.  He goes, I made an amorphism, or however you say it.  Then he says next stop, the actual Bad Place.  Then we watch the neighborhood deteriorate around them as the train slowly pulls out, and Michael’s whole neighborhood goes into kind of a cubular thing, floats off, and the episode ends.

 

But don’t worry, we still have a few minutes here to read through my notes.  Chapter 23, Jason, Tahani, froyo, ill, Mai Tais.  Eleanor’s phone…everyone wishes…wrong up a sweet and soul mate.  Balloon.  Cool, cool end.  We get…got this.  Shirt tail…saday…Eleanor gives…grow…I…grow and I go.  Tahani in, Jason eyes closed, fingers crossed.  Oh, dip.  Chidi does not make it.  Doctor freakout.  Not just a metaphor.  85 impostor…this is simple.  You debate 492 or who I am, my effect on others.  Come on, dorks.  Eleanor’s questar face.  Chidi goes green.  Tahani, Janet…big basket of?  Question mark.  Eleanor…nope.  Give necklace…that’s even better than these.  Robert 119?  [01:00:00] Reheat 11 arrow.  Pause.  At 11:30…maybe that’s what…that we looked at for basket.  Oh yeah, we looked at the basket.  Lake water.  First kiss…bloomed.  Tahani; everyone who is green, advanced team.  It is I, Tahani.

 

Step into scale, Xmas colors.  I think I broke it.  Michael…so many emotions.  Something…it is a fake.  No idea how to get into the Good Place.  Ad.  So lie…Bitcoin maze plus twelve phones.  Michael apologizes…human…error of my ways.  So, what happens next?  Not mad; disappointed.  Not completely out of options.  When chips are down, pause…Jason and Tahani talk balloons.  You and me cool.  Spoke to the…your manager.  No one who can fix it.  It was all human.  Kiss on the cheek.  Drunk Eleanor and Chidi.  Magnetism.  They are in balloon.  Chidi’s brain is like a fork in a garbage disposal.  Met the way normal people meet.  Eleanor laughs at him.  Toast; I like who we are now.  That’s all underlined.  I like who we are now.  Remember that.  One more toast to Michael.  At least you turned…tried.

 

We forgive you.  Just try.  Human starter kit.  No real use for that to being human.  Dance party.  Unforgettable is playing.  Slow dance.  Drunk, late-night picnic.  Laughing Jason.  Takes…what will Bad Place be?  Swiss Alps?  That’s it.  Speak to the manager.  Head…hand…wag finger at it.  Rarely hears cases…portal.  Walk through Bad Place.  Next time scenes…let’s do it.  Most human thing of all.  Get some rest.  Going to the Bad Place.  Eleanor’s talking to Chidi.  Challenge…and…to the big-shoed, small-carred friends.  Ours…closed.  Train station…822…paper clip…marbled.  Long at…I’m with you guys.  Mike will clap a plunic…next stop, actual Bad Place.  So yeah, the next stop is the actual Bad Place, and your next stop is dreamland or another episode.  I’ll be here with you, but first, let’s do some thank-yous.  Thanks, everybody.

 

[END OF RECORDING]

(www.leahtranscribes.com)