1018 – Pirate Pensioners | Tales of Lady Witchbeard Ep 11
Where do members of the Pirate's guild retire? Well I'm glad you asked as I can meander our way to the answer alongside our heroes.
Episode 1018 – Pirate Pensioners | Tales of Lady Witchbeard Ep 11
[START OF RECORDING]
SCOOTER: Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, sea-farers everywhere…I hope the sea is as fair as you are to me, patrons. What do you say we get on with the show?
INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, it’s time for Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you or, in other parlance, sends you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever is keeping you awake. That could be thoughts you’re thinking about from the past, the present, the future. Thoughts, feelings, it could be feelings, could be physical sensations, could be changes in time or temperature or routine. It could be something else going on. Whatever it is, I’m here to keep you company and take your mind off of stuff while you fall asleep.
What I propose to do…to attempt to do, like I said, is have a safe place. I got it set aside here, or I can send it to you. I like to smooth it, I like to pat it, I like to rub it down first, stretch it out, tuck it in, tie it, wrap it with…tie it with a bow, wrap it with…like, make a package wrapped in string or whatever. Then what I’ll do is I’ll send my voice across the deep, dark night, I’ll use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones. Oh, so creaky are my dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents. So, that means I’m a go…gonna go off-topic, I’m gonna get mixed up and backtrack, talk a lot of nonsense in a voice that’s neither or neither…neither or neither…it’s not traditional, not calming. It’s something you eventually…you say oh wait, no, this is soothing. It’s different, so it kinda interrupts…oh, I get it.
This isn’t one of those…it’s different. So, okay, so I got mixed up in my own intro. But a couple things I want you to know. If you’re new, I’m glad you’re here. If you’re a regular listener, holy mackerel, are you looking great. So glad to be here in your ears once again. But what was I saying? Oh, so if you’re new or you’re a regular listener, here’s a couple important things. One; the most important thing is you. You’re important, really, and your sleep is important. More than that…and I know this is…some people might listen to this and they might say pish-posh or whatever, but I know this is something I struggle with, even when I don’t realize I’m struggling with it. You deserve a good night’s sleep. You deserve a place of respite, a safe place where you can unwind.
You really do deserve that, and in this sense, telling it to you, I hope a part of me starts to believe it too. Or every time I say it, it does, ‘cause I say yeah, clearly you deserve that; a bedtime you don’t…that you could look forward to or feel neutral about instead of dreading or having rigmarole. Not only do you deserve that, you deserve what comes with that. If you can get the rest you need and deserve, your life will be more manageable, more enjoyable, and you’ll be in a position to be in a better place, and to flourish. That means our world, even if your life is just a little bit more manageable tomorrow, that means our entire world’s a little bit better. That’s also true as much as part of me and maybe a part of you…like, my…one of those…one of the multitude of skeptics that lives in me wants to say no, it’s not true.
But it is. So, you’re important. The other side of it is I know how it feels, so when I say all this stuff, like I said, I’ve been there tossing, turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep. So, if I can help, it does mean a lot to me. Now, there’s a big caveat with the show because it is so different; it just doesn’t work for everybody. I wish it did and I hope it works for you. The only advice I have is the advice that hundreds of thousands of listeners have told other people, is give it a few tries and see how it goes ‘cause at first, this show is very different. The structure of the show is very different. The purpose of the show is different. The tone and the style are different than what you probably would expect when someone says oh, this is a bedtime story podcast.
It’s designed that way, but it takes some getting used to. So, if you’re skeptical or doubtful or feeling ambivalent, that’s totally understandable. The show’s free, so give it a few tries and see how it goes so hopefully it does help…see? I even have trouble talking. Hopefully it does help you. If it doesn’t, I have a website; sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou…has other sleep audio and sleep podcasts on there you could check out. Another thing is that this is a podcast you don’t really listen to. You kinda consume is loosely. Now, you can listen, and there are people that listen or listen during the day for a break, but this podcast is more to be here for you to just barely kind of listen to it or listen to it when you want to, or pretend to listen; be like uh-huh, uh-huh, oh yeah. Mm-hm; okay. Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Or to just hear it in the background. This podcast could be background noise that’s total gibberish. Some people listen just for the rhythm of the show like a TV in another room. Some people are listening to…for me to keep them company until they fall asleep, and some people, they just can’t sleep and they’re just looking for a friend in the deep, dark night. So…but it’s a show you just…at first, especially, just kinda barely listen ‘cause if you’re waiting for it to make sense or to get started, it…that stuff…you’ll get used to the fact that those things don’t necessarily happen in the traditional sense. I don’t make sense, traditional sense. Yeah. So, there’s that. Also, this podcast really doesn’t put you to sleep. It keeps you company while you fall asleep.
I’m only here to distract you and to be your friend, just like if I was there in person at a comfortable distance just talking to you or on the phone. You said hey, can you tell me a boring story? I can’t sleep and I had a rough day, or I have to get up early or I’m really excited about this trip and I gotta get some sleep. I say no problem; I’m here. I’ll just tell you a story. Just fall asleep whenever. So, the podcast is here to keep you company, and if you can’t sleep, it’s here to keep you company. I’m here to be your bore-friend, your bore-bae, your bore-bud, your bore-bestie, your bore-sib, your bore-bruh if you’re in the…if you hang ten. Even if you hang…does anybody ever hang twelve? I guess…does hang ten have to do with your feet? I don’t know. So, those are two things.
Another thing to know is the structure of the show is very intentional but very different. We start off with a greeting; friends beyond the binary, boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen or something like that. Then I say something silly so you feel seen and welcome and you say oh, this tone of the show is very goofy and somewhat lighthearted. Though it’s all a serious matter, try to be lighthearted about it. So, that’s the start of the show. Then there’s support for the show, then there’s support for listeners, and that’s the goal of supporting you, supporting the community around the show, and supporting the fact…the work that goes into the podcast so it can be free and come out twice a week. The patrons and the sponsors make that possible.
Then there’s the intro, so sometimes the support throws people off, and then the intro can also throw people off ‘cause it goes on and on and on for like, ten or twenty minutes of me kinda explaining what the podcast is and how it works. Some people think, is this just housekeeping? When is the show gonna start? I understand the frustration, but just like this podcast is not made to put you to sleep, it’s here to keep you company, it’s also here…the intro’s here to help you wind down, and while there’s a lot of different ways to use the show, for a large number of listeners, the intro is where they wind down, whether they’re getting ready for bed or they’re in bed getting comfortable. Some people skip the intro, some people listen to story-only shows on Patreon, some people fall asleep.
All those are valid ways to use the show, but if you’re new, test it out this way first; just listen, maybe do something calming as you wind down or get ready for bed and listen or just get comfortable, do something chill, ‘cause the intro, it gives us a transition from the day and the waking time to ideally the bedtime story [00:10:00] and getting to sleep part. So, the intro is here…it’s different every time because I feel like my brain…the sleepless brain or whatever you want to call it can very quickly adjust, so I try to keep the intro new and fresh but also familiar so that whatever parts of you are keeping you awake, they can’t quite adjust. They say oh, okay, well, I’ll just barely kinda listen ‘cause…is Scoots gonna talk about seafaring? I think so. Then after the intro is business.
Again, that’s what keeps the show coming out free twice a week. Then there will be our bedtime story. Tonight it’ll be a tale of Lady Witchbeard. So then, yeah, people start to fall asleep or…and they also set their sleep timers forty-five minutes, sixty minutes. Some people set it thirty minutes, so kinda see how it goes. So, that’s the structure of the show. Ends with some thank-yous and goodnights. That’s why I make the show. Then yeah, some of the content, even in the intro, is like that. So, seafarer; when I see the word as a sight word…’cause I can’t quite spell, it looks like seafarer…I never realized this really ‘til I started recording this intro; it’s the fare of the sea, right? ‘Cause you’d say normally if you were a seafarer — even though I know it’s not spelled F-A-I-R — you’d hope for fair weather for the most part, right?
You’d say well, I’m a seafarer. I’m hoping for the sea to be fair. Or at least…yeah, you could say that’s something intangible, but the sea treats us all fair. But then I was like, is it spelled…I don’t even think it’s spelled like fare, like oh, like a fisher person would say well, I’m bringing fare from the sea to help sustain people. But I don’t know if seafarer’s even spelled that way, ‘cause that’s a fare…you know, or you could say well, figuratively I’m making my living at the sea. That’s how I get my fare, is from seafaring. Maybe farer…and this is really the limitations of my own vocabulary, is someone who…’cause you’d say it was someone that transverses…is there a landfarer? Fair question. That was not…that was a accidental pun; fair question, but is there a landfarer or a sandfarer or a bog…I’d be a bogfarer.
Scoots is faring the bog. I mean, if you could be a sea…there’s another SAT logic question; if sea is…if you can fare the sea, can’t you fare a bog or swamp? Swampfarer. Scoots…Scooter of…Dear Scooter of Sleep With Me podcast; bogfarer. Swampfarer. That’s the truth; that’s really where I get all the ideas, is out of the old story swamp. So, I don’t know the answers to those questions, and they may be boggling your mind too, ‘cause you say oh, that’s fare from the sea. What would Red Lobster say about this? Please don’t co-opt my intros for your purposes. For the seafood lover in you, for the seafarer…from our seafarer to yours. You could put that on a gift card. I’ll take a lot of money, and I don’t want to be paid in gift cards. From our seafarer to yours. Fair seas…fair seas well.
So, I just had seafarer on the mind ‘cause Lady Witchbeard is a seafarer. You say okay, that’s enough of saying seafarer, especially ‘cause I don’t know how it’s spelled. Actually, let me pause. Okay, it is spelled S-E-A-F-A-R-E-R, so it is a person who regularly travels by sea. So, huh. Then there’s questions people ask. Seamen and seafarer different? Or mariner or sailor? Yeah, I don’t know. A person whose trade or occupation is assisting the handling, sailing, and navigating of a ship. So anyway, at least it’s spelled like fare. It’s like…but I…doesn’t necessarily answer the ques…the other questions of is there…if there is, then I…you could be a landfarer. If you live in a treehouse and built…if you work in trees, could you be a…are you a treefarer? I mean, obviously if you’re a squirrel…that’s the first thing that popped in my head.
Of course, the squirrel says yes, I am. Or a Ewok. Ewok would be a…are Ewoks treefarers? I mean, I’d say my…I don’t know if people that hung out with Ewoks say well, my time with Ewoks was more than fair. I mean, it doesn’t seem like their justice system in Return of the Jedi was…seemed pretty…seemed like they…you got in a lot of trouble just for trespassing on their territory. So, I don’t know if fairness…I don’t know. I don’t know, ‘cause I forgot everything that happened. Anyway, I’m glad you’re here. I appreciate your time and I really hope…I work hard, I yearn and I strive, and I really hope you can…I can help you fall asleep. Thanks again for coming by, and here’s a couple of ways I’m able to do this for you for free twice a week.
Alright, epresuddy…everybody. It’s time for another episode of our episodic…epersudy; that’s what I meant to say. Episodically modular series Tales of Lady Witchbeard. Tales of Lady Witchbeard tells the tales of Lady Witchbeard. She’s a witch and a pirate that…and a heroine, and someone I greatly believe in. These are…oh, what does episodically modular mean, first. Oh, welcome to our bedtime story. We’ll get…eventually we’ll get to it. But Tales of Lady Witchbeard is the tales of Lady Witchbeard, a witch-pirate. Oh, episodically modular; it means that you can listen to these episodes in any order ‘cause I’m gonna tell you everything you need to know right now, just in case. So, even if you see Episode 11 and you say well, maybe I should start at 1. You could.
After 11, you could listen to 1 or you could listen to 3 then 7 then 2, then 1, then 9, then 10, then 2, 4, 5, and 6. I think you’d cover every…but maybe you’d listen to a few of them twice and you miss a few, ‘cause this is a sleep podcast. It’s modular, meaning you could listen to them in any order, which is something…other…you know, others, they don’t say Marvels’ modular universe, even though that would be…I think that would be alliterative. I mean, maybe a thinkpiece that I’ve never read because I said one day I’ll read this thinkpiece on Marvel’s modular universe. Phase four…I think that’s the phase they’re moving into or they’re in, but I never…I said okay, that…and I’m loving it; holy cow. Made sure to go…I made sure to go see [inaudible] on opening weekend, but anyway. Besides the point. So, where was I?
Oh, it’s modular. You could listen to it in any order. Has a bit of seriality. Mostly it’s a bedtime story. Where…what do you need to know, though? Heroine is Lady Witchbeard, a witch and a pirate. What does that mean? Well, she was born in a witch world, a world like ours but with witches where…you know, where ours is just like humans. You say, what are you gonna do when you grow up other than be a human? Well, I’ll be a human doing this. In this world, a little bit more restrictive ‘cause you were a witch. I’d say okay, so a witch…which role are you gonna fill as you get…grow up? Lady Witchbeard said well, not sure I feel like being in a witch world. I’m not sure I…that feels limiting to me.
She discovered the pirate…the realm of the thirteen seas where our tale takes place, another world, though when you’re talking about thirteen seas, saying realm just sounds more…when you’re talking about expanding continents in another world…I mean, you could say witch realm. But then you’d say, excuse me? Yeah, which realm are you talking about, the witch realm or the thirteen seas? But which one is that? Is that the pirate realm? I’d say hold my Abbott and my Costello. But no, so, there’s a witch world and the pirate realm. That’s how I don’t get mixed up with my accidental humor. Thirteen seas is a sea-based realm. Piracy reigned supreme at different eras in that realm, mostly ‘cause there was more seas to pirate, where you’d say in our world…I don’t know. We’re not talking about our world.
So, Lady Witchbeard made it there, became a fame…she was the only witch-pirate I know of. She was powerful but she was a force for good, had a lot of adventures, met me. I took her on another adventure, then after that, she had to go on another adventure because I was scattered across the universe. Pretty standard Sleep With Me stuff. Then she needed some R&R. She happened to be where I met her first, [00:20:00] relaxing at a bed and breakfast that I work at from time to time. I knew she was there, tried to give her some time in space, but I said she’s the leader I believe in. Eventually she said okay, I’m…I’ve had enough time. Also, the piracy guild wants me to be an apprentice pirate again because my certifications ran out. I played her the song Brandy and she said that reminds me of a myth in our world.
Let’s go look into that myth instead of me becoming an apprentice pirate. But all guild-based things catch up with you, so she…then she had to become an apprentice pirate under someone named Don Dankle. Now, most stories, this would have been the…well, what would have happened is you would have said this Don Dankle’s so annoying. This Don Dankle’s just ugh. Or Don Dankle would have been a antagonist. While there was some antagonism with Don Dankle ’cause he was a bit of a swashbuckling Errol Flynn-type pirate, and…but he also went by…he…well, not quite, ‘cause he was very…he was…believed in libraries and books. So, he said…but he also believed in the guild rules.
So, for a while, Lady Witchbeard had to become his journey pirate, I think, a journey-person-pirate or apprentice to become a journey-person-pirate. Something like that. He was supposed to be…she was supposed to be on his crew. Now, because I’m more of a sidekick…there’s no Sidekick’s Guild that I know…oh, well, there is, but they don’t take my calls. I even called up StarKid ‘cause they did a musical about superheroes, and I said do you have contact to the Sidekick’s Guild? They said I’m sorry, this is the Lollipop Guild. I said oh, well, that’s ironic ‘cause I’m telling the tale…any…oh, I gotta get back. I gotta go; bye. Then that was it. So, Lady Witchbeard was under Don Dankle’s tutelage, I guess you’d say. Now, meanwhile, not everything was normal in the world of the…the realm of the thirteen seas.
While we were looking for Brandy, we discovered a few important things that you might want to know, might not want to know, but I’m gonna tell you anyway. First we discovered…and this might not be in order, but that the guild had shut down all the guild offices. So, was there a Pirate’s Guild anymore? We don’t know. There wasn’t…their offices weren’t open anymore and their newsletters had stopped. Two, some other force was moving pieces around the board, as they say, and this force happened to want mining…to mine something like cassava root on these shore-based trees, and was mining a lot of cassava root using traditional mining equipment and mining massive amounts of this root. Of course, all of us…Don Dankle said we gotta get to piracy, but Lady Witchbeard said something’s happening here.
Also, we’re on a quest to find Brandy. Maybe we had already found Brandy. Yeah. But she had become a part of Don Dankle’s crew. Something didn’t quite add up though with Brandy, and maybe…I don’t know if Brandy…maybe it’ll be revealed tonight whether Brandy’s the one moving the pieces on the chessboard. But so, Lady Witchbeard said that…Don Dankle, don’t you find that strange that there’s something now more valuable than gold? It’s not love or silence; it’s cassava root or similar things in other regions of the thirteen seas. That led us…we kept trying to get away from Don Dankle. None of that worked, and eventually…let’s see what happened. We ended up on an…Library Island to try to do some research to figure out well, what’s this root, what else is happening?
Brandy kind of…what do they call that when you…? Mutiny? Not quite a mutiny ‘cause I don’t think…we were off the boat. She took our boat, Don Dankle’s boat, Don Dankle’s crew, left us at Library Island without any help. I think some other pirates came. We found out on Library Island…I don’t know what we found out. We found out we needed to learn more, and…’cause again, I said…may have gotten this in the wrong order. Next thing you know, well, we were all working together mostly as equals with Don Dankle and Lady Witchbeard on one scale of equals, and then myself working…doing my best. I’m from the human world, you know, so I don’t have that skill set as a pirate or a witch. I can barely…as it’s been said at least in your head, Scoots can barely buckle his own swash.
He can’t even find his swash to buckle it. If he did, he probably would need some help, especially…I mean, I’ve had to go on my right hand…I’m left-handed, too. Said, do you have any left-handed swashes that I…? ‘Cause it’d be easier for me to buck…also, where does the swash go? Is that the thing…is that like a plume in your hair? Is there a difference between a swash and a sash? ‘Cause I mean, I’ll buckle it; I just need some help because…or unless you have…again, if you…they never had left-handed scissors when I was going to school, or maybe they only had one pair. I said hello, it’s like 10% of the population. How many…? Then that got me an F. I said teacher, if you have one pair of scissors and you have twenty kids, how many pairs of scissors do you need for left-handers? She said you can share.
Then this is where…this is why I couldn’t be part of a guild, obviously. No guilds take my calls ‘cause that’s on my report somewhere. Okay, back to the story, though. So, we worked together. We eventually left Library Island. Really made some inroads at that library with the librarian and a book beast. Even worked on some new cataloging system. Then we headed out on our next clue which was this place…it was some sort of canyon or something that was really foggy. I thought it was gonna be like the Bermuda Triangle. It just ended up it was a really foggy canyon; thin. We went there, found that Brandy was leading this pursuit of some sort of mud or some sort of rock or mineral in the mud which only existed there, where the sun and the fog just happen to be interacting on a 24-hour-a-day basis.
That they said was a binding agent, I believe, and they took as much as they could, but they said it was…whatever, really concentrated. This is what I can tell you that I know. Then after…they got away. First they got Lady Witchbeard, but we got her free. We got outta there and we somehow…we also knew…oh, because we got her outta there…Don Dankle and I were frogs. They didn’t know that. We got Lady Witchbeard free. We happened to be at the Isthmus of Newts which I…would have been easier to call it Newt Island, but it’s not an island; it’s an isthmus. On the Isthmus of Newts, Brandy and Brandy’s crew was there to collect newt poo or Newty-Poo if you want to say it in a way that’ll make you giggle. Yeah, technically the excrement of newts. They were there to gather that.
Then we also figured out that this was part of some plan. They were gonna mix all this together; the newt poo, the binding agent, and the cassava root or whatever, the…whatever they call it. When it’s mixed with seawater, it becomes something like a Jell-O Jiggler, which maybe…something like a gelatinous or gelatinous cube, yeah, if you’ve played a game before. Not sentient, though. I don’t know if…has there ever been…were there ever sentient Jell-O Jigglers? How about Toy Story 7: The Rise of the Jell-O Jiggles? The Jell-O…Jiggle with…you could do a jig with a Jell-O. Okay, so, we said okay, and then we started to piece it together. But also, we discovered that Brandy was meeting with a…with someone from the witch world who was known as the conqueror of realms.
She was from the past in the witch world. She was…oh, the whole thing…a lot of this was based on the man who loved the sea, who we assume broke Brandy’s heart, but I don’t think…I think it goes way deeper than that. Never…trust me; it never does. But that’s where you think it goes deeper. It does go deeper, but you can’t go deeper than that, anyway. So it’s like, which is deeper? But so, in the song Brandy and the man who loved the sea, they’re in love, but the man loves the sea more than Brandy. Turns out [00:30:00] that’s a myth that leaked in from another realm. You could ask…I mean, you could probably ask Loki about that one. Okay, so, if you’re not confused enough…so, we watched Brandy meet with this witch from the…she…the other wild thing is she was from the past.
She didn’t even exist anymore in the witch realm, but Brandy somehow awoke her. So, then we went to the witch realm because…to investigate more ‘cause Lady Witchbeard said this isn’t right. We traveled by cauldron. That’s one of the ways…portal cauldron, and we went into the witch realm. We went to Lady Witchbeard’s hometown, or the town she was living in and grew up in. She is in a sustainable horn industry. That’s a witch niche. I never thought…have I ever said that in the whole show? Wiche niche. Wiche niche are you in, Lady Witchbeard? But so, the niche that her family worked in was horns and horn-based…they had a horn-based business.
Actually, the whole town was built around this horn-based business ‘cause we’re not talking about…you say…oh no, so the witch world’s just one town with a potion shop and a newt…? No, no. This is a…this was their industry. This was a company town, I guess. I don’t know. I definitely don’t know. I don’t know anything about how witch societies organize, ‘cause we just visited it briefly. What we discovered was that…and it’s important for me to fill you all in on this because we’re getting towards the end, here. But so, what we found out there was that Lady Witchbeard’s family and her co-workers…one, her first…I already knew this, but her first name’s Connie. They knew that Connie was one, very powerful, and has a bit of a furrowed brow from time to time.
They tried to double and triple-cross Brandy because I think they knew that…or…well, Brandy and Lady Witchbeard, they kinda put…they put all their witch eggs…proverbial witch eggs in multiple baskets. They said one, we already told…yeah, we double-crossed you, Lady Witchbeard. We’re working with the conqueror of worlds. But we really didn’t have a choice. Maybe now you’re gonna get so irritable that you’ll overthrow the conqueror of worlds. But if you don’t…it ended up Lady Witchbeard was practicing to be…she said well, if that’s how you want me to react, I’m not gonna…clearly, I’m not gonna react that way. I guess she’s grown ‘cause…I mean, she definitely acts that way with me when we’re alone around smaller stuff. Like, did you eat that?
She said, there’s…wasn’t there two peanut butter cups in that package? I said what package, Lady Witchbeard? This is a bedtime story. I don’t know what you’re talking about. She could get pretty irritable. She said, are…I thought you were familiar with the Sword in the Stone. Do you want to be…she says, do you want to become a wart? I said, a wart on your face would be like a…a wart on your face in the sun…if that’s all I could be, I’d write…I’d be the first wart to write poetry, Lady Witchbeard, all about my existence. So, but no, probably not, because that would be…yeah. I’d…I’ll pass for the time being. Okay, so Lady Witchbeard, where were we again? Oh, so she…okay, so, they wanted her to get mad.
She didn’t, so then they also had triple-crossed, so they were saying oh, if Lady Witchbeard…we already told their…her…the conqueror of world’s minions where you are. But I assume Lady Witchbeard knew that going in, because she’s like, fifty steps ahead of me. That’s why I’m not even her sidekick. I’m the one who polishes the sidecar; I’m not…but so, she had a plan. We got outta there, got back outta the witch realm, and I think we got back and we knew the next thing we had to do is…the missing piece to all this was the man who loved the sea. That was kinda how we got into it in the first place. We were looking for Brandy and the man who loved the sea.
Again, I don’t know if Lady Witchbeard’s plan was to reunite them, have them sit down and have coffee and talk it out, or some sort of…you’re gonna be scorned or something. So, we found the man who loves the sea. He lived in the lower…the Thirteenth Sea which is inaccessible from the other twelve seas, or inaccessible for anybody that wants to stay…any humans, at least, or bipedal mammals, if you want to be able to reach the next stage of existence, because it was like a lower sea where Earth collapsed. We went there, met the man who loves the sea. His name was Wiltz, or that was the nickname we came up for him. Somehow it’s supposed to be who loves the…I think the…I don’t know. But so, he told us about how the Thirteenth Sea came to be, which was this battle between two of the ancient gods of this…the realm of the thirteen seas.
Or I guess at that point it might have been the twelve seas, and how there was a goddess of the sea who loved the sea so much she decided no more going to the big farm for any sea-based beings. The person that runs the next stage of existence that relies on…and probably, I would bet…if the oil companies heard about this, they’d go back in the past and say no way. You say, in our world, how come nobody’s invented a time machine? Doc Brown did, but that’s imaginary. I’d say well, if you play this podcast for the executives of oil companies and…but you pretend it’s a real report…in the future, not that long, there’s gonna be someone that’s gonna stop…in the past all of the organic-based beings going to another realm but leaving behind their corporal bodies. They would invent a time machine in like, five minutes.
I can guarantee it. They’d say…I’d say, you invented a time machine just to go back to make sure there’d be fossil fuels? Whoa, boy. Our priorities…they say, going to the moon? We’re going to the past to stop this goddess who was gonna stop…who was gonna make life last forever. Now, like a lot of things we all do…I mean, these aren’t perfect gods or goddesses. These are like these ones that kinda…you say huh, that reminds me of me a little bit. I don’t have those powers, but I make mistakes like that all the time. So, this goddess didn’t realize she had this desire, and…now meanwhile, the other god on the other side of the post-world or whatever you want to call it, the down…the Inner Earth world…or their Inner Earth, but…said no way. Then they called the other gods or the higher-ups and they said, what’s up with this?
They said, deal with it yourselves. We don’t have time. That caused a lot of chaos ‘cause they kinda battled back and forth. Meanwhile, all the organic-based beings on the Earth and the sea said well, this is disrupting our way of life. I think what happened…now, this is a myth, so you say Scoots, this does not make any sense at all. I’d say, it’s all a big…one big myth. That’s what I say with everything. Spilled…is that…did you spill milk? No, just crafting a myth over here on the countertop, the myth of the full thing of milk. The myth of the perfect pour. I mean, that one’s a myth. So, okay, so, the gods worked it out. Not totally, but that’s how the Thirteenth Sea got pulled down there. One god was trying to preserve the sea; the other god’s trying to drain it right into the middle of the Earth and steam it all up.
So, these powerful humans, I think they maybe got powers from some other god or something. I don’t know. I wasn’t paying attention. But they said okay, we’ll work this out. So, they created this thing called a…the drain. They didn’t call it the Great Drain or anything, but it was a drain that could control the flow because there was holes in the Earth at this point. So, that put the sea and the worlds back in balance. I’m pretty sure the gods…once they started shaking everything up, they probably found another realm to mess with. Maybe, maybe not. But the thing with the drain, like all drains, especially giant ones that an entire ecosystem relies on to maintain the balance of the entire…what they would consider their entire universe [00:40:00] needs a cleaner, and a cleaner needs magical powers.
That’s where Wiltz was part of a long tradition of people who loved the sea so much they would live in isolation cleaning this drain. I mean, kind of; I guess more or less in the way you’d imagine, but in a much grander scale. We said by the way, dude, Brandy’s looking for you. Also, the entire way of living up on that sea is disrupted. Also, Scoots forgot to tell you we’re pretty sure their plan is to gelatinize the whole sea in some sort of deal they made between the conqueror of worlds and Brandy, and to gelatinize the sea…they’d have a total hold on trade. I guess…whatever. I don’t quite understand it other than…you say, gelatinize…and I say yeah, turn the whole sea into Jell-O, but not edible Jell-O. That’s what Wiltz said to us. No way. Not possible.
We said, it actually is because…we said…I don’t know if anybody did any math, but they said it seems like it’s possible and it’s gonna happen. It’s time for you to go back and…at least at first we thought we could just make Wiltz accountable if it was just Brandy’s irritation with Wiltz, but I don’t think that was the case. But now we’re getting ahead of ourselves. But Wiltz said well, somebody’s gotta stay here and clean the drain. So, Don Dankle said okay, I’ll stay here and clean the drain, because…well, there’s a library where you get trained. Plus, you get magical powers, plus Don Dankle’s heroic. Not quite as heroic as Lady Witchbeard, but still. So, then we had to get out of the…now…so, you’re at the bottom of like, something ten times as tall and as grand as Niagara Falls.
The water flows in; eventually it gets to this drain. I mean, you’re talking…this is a massive scale, not something small. Then the water pours through this magical drain. We didn’t know…no one knows where it goes, ‘cause nothing’s come up the drain before. Otherwise, it would be a…there’s no…I don’t know if there is such a thing as a two-way drain. But as far as I know, this one with…we didn’t think was a two-way drain. So, we kinda created something to get outta there so we could…so, Wiltz, Lady Witchbeard, and I could get back up to the surface world and set things right; stop the sea from being gelatinized. So, that’s actually where we left off. Quite some coverage there.
I know Antonio Banderas is here, but because we went so long, Antonio’s gonna stay in character to kinda introduce the bedtime story part, ‘cause this was kinda already like a bedtime story. Antonio will just try to do an Antonio…try to…so, ladies, gentlemen, the boys, the girls, this is my imitation of Scooter, and…yeah. I’m Antonio…what am I? Banderas. Do I have bands or bans? Do I wear Ray Bans? I don’t know. This is the Tales of…yeah. Lady Witchbeard. Splumash…yes. Yeah, that’s Tales of…that’s Antonio Banderas. That was pretty good. That sounded exactly like me but more handsome. That was the most handsome…I don’t know. Yeah, so thanks. That’s Antonio Banderas. This is Tales of Lady Witchbeard.
So, Lady Witchbeard, it’s Daw. Daw, have you been talking? ‘Cause while I was resting, I…it felt like you were talking. No, yeah, so like you said, while you were…I thought you were meditating; not sleeping. You said to go over everything I remember so we could see what we’re missing. We’re still moving, Lady Witchbeard. I’m not…I wasn’t finished on everything that happened, so you want me to keep going? Yeah, Daw. Keep going. So, we went down the drain. We created our cauldron. Yeah, all that worked. I think that Lady Witchbeard, I don’t need to go into that, how brilliant your plan was to get us down the drain and to stay totally…we were safe as a…in a cocoon.
The three of us worked together to get through there and use magic, and I did…I think I did a pretty good job guiding us and all that. But then what happened was that unfortunately we came out and what we didn’t expect was as soon as we popped out, we were surrounded. There was an armada and Brandy, who seemed…and seemed like Brandy and the conqueror of worlds had become one. So, that was a surprise, and…but it wasn’t a surprise to them because they were waiting for us, because somehow…well, they had sent the cauldrons down that we used, so they kinda set us up. Unfortunately we fell right…that was a part of their plan all along. So, I was surprised at that, Lady Witchbeard.
I know you’re meditating, but…that at some point…and I think…don’t worry, there’s still plenty of time, but you were outplayed. Maybe that’ll help you stay…like, not…I don’t think due to anything of your fault, like when…but I just was trying to figure out when and who outplayed you, just so I could focus some of…maybe I could create a…I don’t…I’m…I just was trying…I’m supposed to stay away from being resentful, but whoever out…I don’t want to say outsmarted because I don’t know if it was smarts, but somehow along the line, whether it was from your witch world or from Brandy or somebody…set us up to do…we were…we’re just cogs in the wheel or something, which was not what I expected, because they needed us to come out through that hole.
So, then they…Brandy and the conqueror started using their power to clog the drain temporarily while Brandy took the power away from Wiltz, which did not look very…and Brandy did say it’s personal, but then it sounded like multiple voices there. So, I’m sure you can explain to me all that. Now, luckily, a couple good things; even though…I’m outsmarted all the time, Lady Witchbeard, so there’s nothing to feel bad about. Even in games, this is…even though this isn’t a game, it’s real; I say, how did that happen? I thought I was winning. Then so, we fell…we ended up being pawns, unfortunately. We were pawns, though, Lady Witchbeard; strong on ‘were’. So, they needed to clog the drain, but oh…and put it…okay, maybe I…yeah, I’m getting ahead of ourselves ‘cause you said…so we can come up with a plan.
So, they were gonna replace the drain or cover the drain with their own drain that had…it’s a good thing they didn’t…they totally had us, so they didn’t care. But they were gonna replace the big drain…or, I don’t know. I guess I wasn’t paying attention, but basically that they made it their own drain or metal net, which I guess a drain is, kind of, of that binding agent. I guess they’re gonna put it over the drain. I mean, a drain on top of a drain. But it’s not really a drain; it’s something so all the water that passes through it will interact with the binding agent. In that sense, nothing to do with what I said earlier; pretty smart. I said holy cow, how many people do they have working on solving the…or, solving this solution which is not a solution for us or any of the beings of this world or whatever problem they’re trying to solve, which is gelatinizing the sea?
Seems like I’m impressed. I think a healthy dose of impresh will help us. So, I’m just trying to figure out a way to go through all this without…’cause you’re…even though you’re meditating [00:50:00] or sleeping, your brow is furrowed. But the only way through this is forward, even though we’re going…I guess I feel like we’re going sideways. Okay, so their plan was to put the new drain on. Now, the good news about that, before I get to the rest of their plan, is twofold; one, Don Dankle’s down there, and we could tell right away that Don Dankle was not gonna just let them walk in and replace the drain. I mean, they couldn’t walk in anyway. The conqueror of worlds had to seal…use a bunch of power, another positive from a negative, ‘cause whatever sort of magic-casting was going on, it took a lot of attention, and they also needed to…the powers from Wiltz, to take Wiltz’s powers.
Also very focus-intensive. Because of that, Wiltz had enough time to scatter the armada with a bunch of waves and stuff, which was the last thing seems like Wiltz did before Wiltz’s powers went away. So, we were able to get away. Eventually they’ll come chase us, but I don’t think they feel the need to because they…their plan seems at this time to be pretty solidly on course. Their plan, as I understand it, Lady Witchbeard, is…and again, unfortunately, we…they didn’t know where the drain came out. I guess they needed Wiltz’s powers to finally put the drain in or something…or Don Dankle’s powers. I guess the powers are in-between the two of them. I don’t know about that, but whatever happened, we’ve…I guess I already went through that. That’s why your shoulders and your neck seem to be tensing.
So, they’re going to cover the entire sea with Newty-Poo. It’s like, they have a recipe. This is all stuff I heard, and I…well, and some stuff you told me ‘cause you said keep listening and I’ll keep telling you everything I’m hearing. It was something like 10,000 units of cassava root to something like ten Newty-Poos to 0.1 or 0.01 of the binding agents. So, alls they need to do is…and I guess the…I don’t know. Unfortunately…so, they’re gonna run all the cassava root over the falls, and it’s gonna keep churning and cycle through the entire thirteen seas, eventually. Seems like it would take a while, but maybe that’s why they needed the powers of the drain cleaner. Maybe they could…I don’t know. I didn’t get that far. I knew they needed the powers so they could hold the water so they could put the drain in place.
They certainly had a lot of minions, so I don’t think Don Dankle will be able to stop them for very long with that part of their plan. But send the cassava root over the falls; that’s what the whole armada’s for, ‘cause it has all those things. I think they’re pushing cassava root into the sea. Then I guess alls they have to do is put Newty-Poo in the sea. You said they’ll probably do that by bird since they have all…oh, that was the other thing; all those ships had witches on them, and they all had a lot of birds. So, your theory is that they’re gonna use the birds to distribute the Newty-Poo. So, that would be all the ingredients coming together and getting mixed by waterfall and the natural flow of the sea and whatever, the currents, and then probably some sort of magical powers, maybe.
It’s happening on a scale that I don’t see how…so, I guess…does all that…also, where are we going, Lady Witchbeard? Just so I know, because I love moving by the power of Earthsea. I mean, there’s nothing I love better than feeling like I’m…when you’re making a ship go on its own. Okay, Daw, that was good. Yes, Daw, healthy respect is the term you were looking for. I guess I didn’t have enough healthy respect, or, Daw, we were put in a situation where we just had to do our best, and we’re both familiar with that. At the time, at this time, our best was I guess what they were expecting, even though I tried to act how they didn’t expect me with my family. Maybe somewhere along the lines, I…Daw, I’ll be honest; I don’t like to be manipulated, and maybe…but I don’t know that we necessarily could have predicted any of this.
Unfortunately, we are, as you said when you’re outmatched and out-pirated and out-witched on top of it…now, I do have a theory, Daw, but I’ll tell you where we’re going is the last pirate outpost. Oh, Lady Witchbeard, is it like the one in the movies where all the pirates go to party and it’s hidden with gold and stuff? I guess I’m probably…don’t think it would be. Daw, it’s where the Pirate’s Guild has a place for the members of the guild to retire. It’s hidden away because in the history of hundreds and hundreds of thousands of years or less, whenever…in this realm, pirates fall in and out of favor, but retired pirates are retired pirates, and we feel like if you choose to retire with the guild, you should be left alone.
So, it’s actually just…now, there is a guild headquarters there, and I’ll be honest; I was letting…and I think Don Dankle at the same time, we were assuming that that wouldn’t…well, we thought we had other options because say the pirates are retired there. So, I guess in some sort of way that we were judging them based on their status and their age, which was wrong, Daw. I was wrong. Don Dankle was wrong. We did not see a value or even…I guess we were so…not seeing things correctly that it didn’t even come up. Oh, well, there’s a guild there; it’s hidden. If Brandy and the conquer of worlds were shutting down all the guilds, we can only hope that they were also operating from a place of ignorance, as Don Dankle and I were. Yeah, so, we’re gonna go there.
But let me tell you my theory, Daw, from…I don’t quite have it all figured out. I thought this was a simple thing of trying to get to the bottom of something that was calling to me, Brandy and the man who loved the sea. Did he really love the sea that much? Did he love piracy? What about this Brandy? That’s what drew me into that song, was just well, I know there’s a myth in the realm of the thirteen seas that’s similar, and I know that pirates…not always the best at…and so, that’s what drew me to investigate all that, Daw. But I think we…with what Wiltz told us and what we’ve seen today, I think this world is…I have to believe that the conqueror of worlds and Brandy…I can’t be positive that either one of them or the gods that Wiltz talked about, the goddess who loved the sea…like, is that Brandy?
Is the goddess who loved the sea influencing Brandy or the conquer of worlds? But I think…or is it even the god of the Inner Earth, the Middle Earth god? Is that god at play? Did they reach an agreement off of…off-world, we’ll say? Brandy and the conquer of worlds…and they say well, we’ll just slow everything down. You’ll still…and also, I think it is personal, and understandably; Brandy doesn’t…isn’t happy with the man who loved the sea, so maybe that left Brandy open as a vessel. Oh, Lady Witchbeard, is that thing coming up…is that where the hideout is? [01:00:00] Yeah, kind of, Daw. It’s very typical of what you’d expect as we’re gonna go inside that mountain through a cave. We’ll come out and it’ll be paradise, but we’re gonna go straight to the guild office.
I’m picking up speed because I really think that we have to act before…I’m trying to calculate how long it’s gonna take the armada to regather, because it is under witch power. I want to act as soon as possible while the armada’s still scattered a bit before everything gets back. We still have a fair amount of time. That’s good, ‘cause it took a long time. I mean, we…I think we slept for like, three or four days. Yeah, Daw. Well, Lady Witchbeard, what if they’re still setting us up? Would they want to find this last guild of whatever…retirement village? Well, it’s a retire…it’s a community for…yeah, a pension and…anyway, Daw, not important. No, I don’t think there’s…there’s only one thing here that we need, and that’s why it’s the last guild stronghold. Oh, there’s something secret here?
There is, Daw, it…and I played a part in it. They took me here and back when I was the leader in the guild and pretty active, we were talking about okay, we have to keep…this is one of our top guild priorities because every pirate says oh, if I do my years in the guild, I pay into the guild, I get taken care of. There’s a lot of benefits of membership. One day, maybe I’m by myself or maybe my family and I would like to move somewhere and enjoy our quiet years. Even I thought that would appeal to me, Daw, though I didn’t think my quiet years would come so soon, but every year with you is like forty years anywhere else. Lady Witchbeard, I think that’s…unless witches live like, five hundred years, that’s probably not accurate. Just…oh, it just feels that way, though. Yes, Daw.
But so, one of the things we came up with just in case was a way for anybody here to get ahold of any pirate out there in case they had to call and they say hey, we’re getting harassed by these…this continent who thinks they’re…oh, we’re into colonizing or oh, we’re into democracy, whatever, we’re gonna come…no, leave the pirates alone. Not that they could have found it, but just in case they did. There’s a way to contact every pirate in the thirteen seas. Really, Lady Witchbeard? Is it some sort of flag system that’s…that pops up flags everywhere? No, Daw, but it is…that…it does sound similar. What is it, Lady Witchbeard? Well, it won’t get…just get ahold of every pirate, Daw. It’ll get ahold of everybody drinking out of a flagon or near a barrel of ale or spirits or…we call it the flagon cast. Wait, a flagon cast?
Like, FaceTime in a flagon? Yes, Daw. Like, I’ll give a speech and it’ll come across in every flagon and barrel of ale anywhere. There’s nothing…once I activate it, it’s magic outside of me. I don’t need to do it; the magic is already built into this universe. It’s already been powered. It took me many, many years to invest. There it is; there’s the guild office. People are coming. They see us coming in, so I think we should get this done. Well, I guess they’ll see what I’m going to say. Daw, I think if I just alter the spell a little bit, I can also cast my message to every cauldron I’d see, and every cauldron in this world. Here, follow me in. Close the door and just…they’ll all know what we’re saying ‘cause they were carrying their own…a lot of the retirees, even…might not be spirits.
They might just be enjoying another beverage in their flagons. Okay, so, hold on, Daw. I’m gonna…just gonna send out a message real quick. I’m just gonna stand here, and I’m sure that…hello, everybody. I’m…this is Lady Witchbeard. If you’re seeing this message, you’re somewhere in the thirteen seas and I need you to pass this message on to everyone who can hear it, whether you’re a pirate or a witch or just a landlubber. You probably know something is afoot here in our world, and there’s intermediaries, and I don’t know if those intermediaries or…are from our world or another world. But their plan will not be good for anyone. Maybe a few of you are watching this, a few of those of you that already have acquired power.
But anyone else watching this message…if you’re watching this message, you probably had your power taken away before, but this will be the…it’ll take away too much power. They’re going to change the seas so they’re no longer navigable by ship but by some sort of canal system that’ll be under the control of the ruling groups on each continent. But really, those groups will be under the control of one or two figures that we can’t even determine what their motivations are other than power and control. They don’t seem to have anyone’s best interests at hand. So, my message is if you’re watching this…if you’re in a ship, if you’re a witch, if you’re a pirate, to turn around. Bring your ship and the barges back to shore. Empty out the cassava root, bring it to a lake. Whatever you do, take your ships away from the falls.
Now, you may say well, we’re dealing with something stronger than that, Lady Witchbeard, and we’re worried about it, or we only have partial control. I would say to all of you, dig deep right now. Dig deep and find that place in you that doesn’t like being controlled by some force that doesn’t have your best interests at hand. Think about being safe. I want everyone watching right now to think of the safest place you can imagine and say well, what if this conqueror of worlds or this Brandy wanted to take that place and step on it with dirty shoes? How would you feel about that? So, that’s one part of it, is you can act now and you could stop this, and you could save the seas, save everything you love about the seas. Those of you from the witch realm, don’t think this is going to stop here. We know it’s not going to stop here.
It’s going to go into that realm as well. So, don’t think that this just stops here unless we stop it here. But one more thing to all of you watching; most of you are familiar with me or you’ve heard tales of Lady Witchbeard. Do you know the kind of person I am? Sometimes fair, but not always, and sometimes my brow is furrowed and my wake rocks boats. So, know that I’m sending you this message now as a chance. You can act now and you could stop all this and I can work with you and we can deal with Brandy and the conqueror of worlds. We can deal with them together. Be probably a lot easier if we’re all working together. You know, you probably won’t see my furrowed brow. You won’t feel my wake, but I tell you this, and I tell you it with certainty; you could make another choice and just choose to go along, because you’re following these other leaders, these godlike leaders.
You could make that choice, but I won’t forget it. Lady Witchbeard, you’ve heard the tales. Lady Witchbeard doesn’t forget. You’re saying it right now; Lady Witchbeard doesn’t forget. Your bill will be due, so I’m gonna be watching right now. [01:10:00] I can see every ship here, and as I…I’m casting in a cauldron to watch all of you. You could send your message to me now. Keep going towards your goal that you’re being guided to, or turn around. Ask the pirates on board…the crew onboard where is the closest port we can get to, and turn your ships around. So, I expect you to make a choice. I expect you to make it right now, and I know what that choice will be, because all of you…think about that safe place. Let’s keep it safe. Let’s self-preserve those safe places. So, act in your best interests, please.
Lady Witchbeard, giving you one opportunity and only one. Good day. How…what do you think, Daw? How’d I do? I mean, would…I would have rehearsed…it was pretty good. I could have told you there was a speech in a movie one time about the 4th of July or something. You could have just copied that speech, but that one was good. It definitely…I mean, Lady Witchbeard, here’s the thing; I follow you because you’re a leader, not because I’m afraid of you. But I am, but because I don’t want to let you down. Look, Daw; the ships are pausing. Are you sure your cauldron thing’s not glitching? ‘Cause it looks like it’s glitching. No, Daw. They’re pausing and…yeah, they’re…it looks like some of them are putting up more sails. Hopefully that means they’re…oh, no. They’re trying to go faster towards the goal. So…oh, boy.
Does that mean…? Yeah, Daw. I was afraid of this, Daw. I was afraid we would be on our own, but their influence is just too strong. It’s a different kind of leadership. It’s like some sort of godlike charisma tied in with that self-interest, and they don’t even…Lady Witchbeard, are they under a limbic…are they…you know when we…do you ever listen to me when I tell you the stuff…I say okay, they’re under a limbic thing where they’re in fight or flight and they can’t even listen to you, which they should be…that which you tried to put them in fight or flight, too. I don’t want to again say a mistake, but probably can’t…can you cast another one and just say by the way, maybe…Daw, I can’t. Once the magic went out, those…Brandy and the conqueror of worlds are already reacting to counter it. Well, yeah.
They’re definitely not going back, Lady Witchbeard. Oh wait; the door’s open and somebody has a…oh, hello. Are you a retired pirate? Lady Witchbeard, we were listening. We’ll be your crew. We’ll…we can’t…we don’t have any barges, but we’re here. Okay. So, do you have ships? We do, Lady Witchbeard. We’re ready. Well, Daw, it’s time for piracy, then. There’s only one way to stop all this, and that’s to be a witch-pirate. Lady Witchbeard, does this mean we’re gonna…? Yes, Daw. It’s time for something even more than an adventure; it’s time to rest. So, tomorrow we’ll gather all the crews here and we’ll set out, and I’ll come up with a plan, and we’ll put a stop to all this. That’s great, Lady Witchbeard. Okay, so I guess we’ll take a rest then? Yeah, Daw. There’s a couple cots right here, so we’ll rest and we’ll see everybody tomorrow, and we’ll get ready to be witch-pirates. Goodnight.
[END OF RECORDING]
- Buckle Your Swash
- Flagon Cast
- Team Star Kid
- The Wizard of Oz
- Independence Day
Notable Talking Points:
- Does Hang Ten have to do with your feet?
- Proverbial Witch Eggs in Multiple Baskets
- If you’re watching this message, you probably had your power taken away before