1004 – Visit to Tube Town | All Intros 744-749

Episode 1004 – Visit To Tube Town | All Intros 744 – 749

 

[START OF RECORDING]

 

SCOOTER:    Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, friends beyond the binary, and all my patron peeps, it’s time for the podcaster that…I don’t know.  I feel like I’m lucky to be here.  I feel like a horseshoe, able to be here bringing you a good night’s sleep, watching over you like that famous poem that was never written, The Horseshoe that Watched Over You.  It’s time for Sleep With Me, patrons, the podcast that puts you to sleep.

 

INTRO:    [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing?  Trouble getting to sleep?  Trouble staying asleep?  Well, welcome.  This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  We do it with a bedtime story.  Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play.  I’m gonna do the rest.  What I’m going to attempt to do is to create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, changes in time or temperature, routine, things you’re thinking about or…from the past, present, or future, emotions related to those things, or maybe not.  Maybe just baffling ones, or physical sensations or anything else.  Whatever’s keeping you awake, I’d like to take your mind off it.

 

I’d like to create a safe place, earn your trust where you could relax, get more comfortable in your bed or your couch, wherever you’re sleeping right now.  What else?  Yeah, take your mind off of that stuff.  What I’m gonna do is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night, I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous, rustified tangents, filler words.  I’ll be filling…I’ll be pumping filler words up like I ran a bike shop.  You say, everything at this bike shop…first of all, you’re just…it’s more of an inner tube shop.  I’d say well, we’ll agree to disagree.  But they’d say everything here is over-inflated.  I’d say, except the prices.  That would be…maybe that would be the commercial.  They say well, that was…can you put the money down at first?

 

‘Cause we…it does look like you have a inner tube shop and not a bike shop.  Oh no, you haven’t heard of this; it’s the new thing I just thought of.  It’s called…it’s a inner tube…it’s like a…it’s a new thing.  It’s a total way to relax, get in shape…you’ve heard of cross-fit, right?  Yeah.  You’ve heard of running, Iron Man, swimming…that Gene Atlas or whoever that person was?  Yeah, that’s incorrect, but yes, we’ve heard of those things.  Well, this is a new thing.  You got biking, you got hiking, and you have those ancient things…people say oh, in the olden days we ate like this and we hunted and gathered.  Okay, we’re with you so far.  Aren’t you in the middle of a podcast…?  I am, but I’m…now I’m making a point that doesn’t make any sense.  Yeah, we’re at the dawn of a new age but not that far from the past.

 

I’ll be right back with you with this sales pitch.  I gotta get to the new listener.  So, I’m gonna send my voice…I’m gonna go off-topic just like I just did there.  Here’s the thing…a few things if you’re new; there’s a intro.  This intro is not a commercial or a self-promotion thing.  This is a show within a show to keep you company and to help you get ready for bed, to help you start to unwind.  Maybe to put you to sleep.  The majority of people use it as part of their wind-down routine.  Some people fall asleep during it.  About 3% of people skip this and go straight to the story which is generally around twenty minutes into the show.  But the intro is kind of like something familiar.  That’s why it’s part of the bedtown…bedtown wind-down routine.  That was also a variety show I was once on, The Bedtown Wind-Down Routine.

 

Well, it was a routine…oh no, that was The Gong Show.  That was when I was a kid and I imagined…I dreamed one day of being a guest on The Gong Show.  That was a TV show.  I think it was rebooted a few years ago.  Okay, where was I, though?  Hm.  Oh, so if you’re new, the intros don’t make a lot of sense, at least initially, but it’s like a twelve-minute portion of the show where I set the mood.  I set the mood by saying here, I’m gonna explain how the podcast works.  Then I get off-topic and I imagine a new fitness business that I’ll explain maybe later, and relaxation.  Doesn’t…not just about fitness, by the way.  I mean, I’m thinking of a name of it but…so…oh, so there’s a intro.  That’s how the show starts.  It starts with a few minutes of business, then there’s a twelve-minute intro.  Maybe it’s fourteen, maybe it’s sixteen.

 

Sometimes it’s eighteen.  Then there’s some business and then there’s a bedtime story.  Tonight it’ll be from our new season of…series Big Farm in the Sky PI.  So, it’ll be…yeah.  So, that’s the structure of the show.  Then there’s some thank-yous at the end.  So, that’s the structure of the show.  If you’re also new, you don’t need to listen and the show may not make a whole lot of sense to you.  Of course you may be coming to this skeptical or tired, and if you’re tired and…I feel you.  I know.  You say well, I really want something that’s finally gonna work for me.  I hope you give this show a try and I hope it helps, but normally for literally 98% of people I’ve heard from, they say yeah, it took a few tries before I understood that the podcast is nonsensical in a way I haven’t encountered before.

 

You say, it doesn’t make any sense but not in a…it doesn’t even make…not make sense in a normal way, which is a good thing.  So, just see how it goes, but you don’t need to listen to me, you don’t have to pay attention, and there’s also no pressure to fall asleep.  The shows are an hour so that I can be here and you can fall asleep at your leisure, fall asleep as you wish.  I’m here to keep you company, not really to put you to sleep; to keep you company as you drift off and to take your mind off of stuff with wild, outside-of-the-box ideas, outside of the inner tube box where yeah, we’ve got…well sir, it looks like you just have bicycle pumps and inner tubes.  I’d say well, that is what we have.  Exactly.

 

Here at Tube Town…maybe that’s what we’ll call it, and yes, maybe…we do have Tube Town tube tops, and this is a franchisable thing one day.  That’s Tube Town, LL…future of something.  I like the way that sounds.  But it is…it’s the place where there’s a tube for everybody, multiple tubes.  We have multiple-sized tubes.  I’ll tell you what; we got our Q&A…not a Q&A in the back…a R&D department in the back.  We’re working on hexagonal tubes, square tubes.  You say well, what kind of wheel would that fit in?  I say, these are just tubes here to be pumped up.  Here, grab a pump.  Do you prefer a foot pump or a hand pump or something…no electricity; that’s what I was saying.

 

At the dawn of humanity — that’s…this is on one of our other commercials I’m working on — there was a time and then there was a development, and then there was a dawning of two wheels and gears and chains and those things, and changes in tires and all…and then there was inner tubes within tires, and those would go flat or low on air, and they would need to be pumped with vigor or a slow and steady motion.  But at some point, that tube became mechanized or automated and maybe even machine learning got involved by the time you’re hearing this message.  One thing we lost when we lost the ability to pump our own tubes was the joy of tube pumping.  Here at Tube Town, we’ve brought the joy of tube-pumping back and we’ve found that it’s a fourfold path of tube-pumping.

 

The joy of inflation, the pressure relief of over-inflation, the irony, and just a general sense of wellbeing caused by pumping up tubes and over-pumping them, or for some, draining the tubes.  You might say to yourself sir, do you have Schrader valves or the other ones?  Which…and I say, we got them all.  Those other ones, the long, thin ones?  We got those.  Those may be Schraders.  I’m not sure.  There’s a…I don’t know my difference between a piston and a staple.  That’s a little mechanical flower humor there.  But yeah, we got tubes, we got valves, we got it all.  Here’s the thing; you could take your tubes home and…you say, what else do we have to do at Tube Town?  We want to have a birthday party there.  I’d say oh boy, your kids are in for a treat.

 

Once we have the birthday party packages, what you…there will be tube painting, tube-shaped cakes, of course.  [00:10:00] Tube tops…no, tube tops are for taking home.  You’ve heard of hula-hooping?  We’ve got tuba-hooting and hula-hooping.  We haven’t thought of a term for that, but with tubes.  Tube rolling; oh boy.  Here at Tube Town, all available for one low price.  Come today.  Also, everything comes with a smile here at Tube Town.  I may have just invented a whole new…what are those called?  Vertical…is that a vertical or a horizontal?  Look out, miniature golf courses and all those other places you’re supposed to have birthday parties, ‘cause Tube Town’s coming.  You say, is that…yeah.  Well, move…say, is that a pop…no, this is…it’s a kind of a pop-up shop.  It’s inflatable.  We’re Tube Town.  Anyway, sorry.

 

I went off-topic there.  But maybe…it seems like generally…there’s something reasonable about my unreasonable ideas, I believe, and in a way that hopefully took your mind off whatever’s keeping you awake.  Here’s the thing; I’m here to keep you company, not to over-engage you ‘cause you might…I’ll tell you what, if you’ve never pumped a tube like that before and you’re saying these tubes are outside of the wheels, I say yeah, unless…you know, you could make a request.  We could put it within a wheel.  But the giant tubes are outside of wheels.  You say wait a second, you have giant tubes?  We have the world’s largest tube within our shop, the largest tube in the world that’s in our shop.

 

Yeah, we’ve got big tubes and yeah, if you’re training for something involving your upper body or your lower body, yeah, we’re working with other gyms on a program.  But for the most part, it’s just a general…we’re working on getting to all the retirement communities and the grammar schools.  We’re gonna have it all covered.  Not to over-inflate my value, but…so, I’m here to keep you company, really.  That’s really what I’m here for, and to take your mind off of stuff.  I’ve been there and believe me, once I start running the numbers on this thing, I’ll say why wouldn’t this work?

 

I mean, I think seriously, if you have access to a inner tube, just…this would be a free home-based business for now.  Not a business; just go ahead, pump it up and paint it and let me know about it.  But for the time being, I’m ideally here to walk at your side as you drift off.  I’m here to keep you company because I’ve…I really believe you deserve a good night’s sleep.  I work very hard at this show ‘cause I strive and I yearn to help you fall asleep, and I really appreciate you coming by and checking it out.  Here’s a couple of ways we keep the show going.

 

Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing?  Trouble getting to sleep?  Trouble staying asleep?  Well, welcome.  This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  We do it with a bedtime story.  Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play.  I’m gonna do the rest.  What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, so stuff you’re thinking about, physical sensations, you know, stuff in your body, emotional things coming to the surface or below the surface.  Whatever’s keeping you awake.  It could be travel, it could be temperature or thoughts about any of that stuff.  It could be anything.  I’m here to keep you company and take your mind of that.

 

I think…so, I got this safe place here.  I’m making plenty of room, smoothing it, I’m patting it, I’m rubbing it down, I’m saying safe place.  What…okay, what am I gonna do?  Oh, I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night, I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents, extra stuff.  I’m gonna go off-topic, I’m gonna bounce around, I’m gonna be like a slow-motion pinball machine, particularly tonight ‘cause that’s where this crossover happens, at the unveiling of a pinball machine.  You might even not know what a pinball machine is, so I may…I’ll even fill you in on that.  Not super important ‘cause this is actually a sleep podcast.  So if you’re new, here’s a couple things; I’m here to keep you company in the deep, dark night, ‘cause I’ve been there.

 

But the show is very different than anything normally is.  It’s outside of the norm because that’s just the design of the show.  So, I wanted to give you a heads-up and make sure you feel extra-welcome and cozy and…‘cause of course you’re skeptical.  If you’re new, you say what is this thing?  I don’t…of course you don’t get it.  Of course you’re…of course I’m…I could be mildly…you’d say, I’m not sure about this.  Okay, that’s cool.  I’m glad you’re here ‘cause I’m just here to help.  It’s a option…totally optional thing.  So, let me give you a little bit of extra information.  That’s…I guess that was my point.

 

So, the show, all told, is about an hour, and here’s the structure of the show ‘cause it’s kind of a slow-moving show, kinda like when you put…okay, not everybody’s played games…video games in arcades anymore, but maybe everybody’s familiar with vending machines.  So to start, this podcast can kinda start out with feeling…with the initial exchange if you’re dealing with actual currency in a vending machine, where you say is this even…did this…is there an…did it take that coin or not?  Is it gonna spit that dollar back out?  So, this show…I don’t know what those two things have to do with each other, actually.  I was hoping to get a metaphor out of there and now I’m just waiting.  I’m just waiting to see.  Before…that’s when I wanna…that’s what I’m trying to get to.  I’m trying to get that before.

 

Okay, I’ll just wait.  I think I…I think it took my money.  But so, the show starts off…structurally, here’s a couple things; the show starts off with a few minutes of business and that’s how we keep three hundred high-quality episodes going, is the business at the top of the show there.  Then there’s an intro to the show.  Now, a normal intro’s about two or three minutes.  This show has a intro that really is in some sense magical in the illusion sense.  It’s stretched out and long to help ease you into bedtime, and it’s also a multi-use intro, so it takes me somewhere between eleven and eighteen minutes to explain this is a podcast to keep you company while you fall asleep.  The reason it takes so long is…I don’t know.  Long-term listeners seem to like it, but because you could also skip it.

 

You could say well, I’d rather just get to the part with…it makes a sound…a pinball machine or whatever you’re teasing here…story.  I’d say okay, you could skip to ahead about eighteen minutes.  It’ll start there.  But yeah, the intro’s kind of a…ease you into bedtime, get you comfortable.  It gets you — if you’re new — to say well, okay, let me try to explain this podcast, and I’m not trying to confuse you even more, but that ends up being the results.  Then you could fall asleep.  So, some listeners fall asleep during the intro, some listeners wind down or it’s part of their routine as they’re getting ready for bed, some listeners skip it, and then more and more people I hear from, they also kinda listen during the day for a different kind of wind-down, a during-the-day wind-down.  So, there’s really no wrong way to use it.

 

Initially you kinda see how it goes, test it out.  Most listeners say it took two or three tries before I understood that the podcast is…it’s incomprehensible in a positive way, ideally.  That would be the ideal…so, the structure of the show, then…so, there’s the intro that I’m explaining and I’ve been explaining for four minutes, then there’s the…there’s some business between the intro and the show, and then there’s the story part which tonight we’ll be talking about…it makes a sound in this…this pin…this in makes a sound…and pinball enthusiast I met who made…dedicated a pinball machine to…it makes…a spoke pin…well, we’ll get to it.  That’ll be about forty-five, fifty-five minutes, and there’s some thank-yous at the end of the show.  So, that’s the structure of the show.

 

Here’s the other things; you don’t…this is the kinda podcast where listening is optional.  If you choose to listen or you can’t fall asleep, that’s the main reason why it’s optional.  I promise it’ll be mild and meandering and it’ll have superfluous tangents and me getting mixed up, and then filler words, corny jokes, goof…being a goof and that kinda stuff.  Friendly banter, of course.  Oh man, yeah, [00:20:00] I love it when you bring up friendly banter.  You got me.  I don’t know if that…that was my attempt…attempts at friendly banter.  You got me there.  That wasn’t friendly banter.  You totally bantered me on my fail…banter fail.  Oh, you…holy.  But so, what was I saying?  Oh, you don’t need to listen to me, but you can.  So, you could kinda turn down the volume to whatever you’re comfortable or just kinda listen in as I tune out.

 

You say okay, well, Scoots isn’t making a whole lot of sense here.  You say, but it’s a pleasant enough tone and every once in a while…I can see…I do like pleasant banter, so…so you don’t need to listen, but there’s also no pressure to fall asleep.  The reason the shows are structured and complete and…say…has a long intro that’s new every time and then a new story and it comes out twice a week is…and the shows are over an hour or right around a hour is so you don’t have any pressure to fall asleep.  You got plenty of room, you have plenty of episodes ready to go as backup.  I’m here to…as much to put you to sleep as I am to keep you company while you fall asleep or to be here to take your mind off of stuff if you can’t sleep.

 

So, whatever one of those works for you tonight is how I hope the pod…that’s the role I hope the podcast serves, and I guess I was trying to make a metaphor about pinball which in some sense isn’t too hard because for me, I like playing pinball but by no means am I skilled at it, and there are different ways to say…I think there’s pinball rankings.  But I play it for fun.  I say well, I kinda like it.  I more like it because the games are…they’re different than arcade games or video games and they have this rich…usually the better ones have some sort of story and then they have a limited amount of things you can do, but the things you can do, they’re kinda hard and a lot of the things…times you do one thing, it causes another thing to happen.

 

So, a bit like those…whatever those things are called where you say well, a…like Pee-wee Herman…like Pee-wee Herman’s kitchen or whatever, where you crack an egg, then it leaks, and that makes the donut go around so that you get your breakfast on time.  I forgot what those are called but eventually I’ll remember.  Some kind of machine.  I don’t know, so I just like…I’m not good at it, and then the ball’s rolling.  I find it soothing and I can…I find it fun.  Sometimes I don’t find it…I find it a little bit…it doesn’t work for me and some days I’m…I say well, I’m not…I guess I’m not consistently…some days I say wow, I’m really nailing it here, really feeling that left flipper.

 

Oh, so a pinball machine, just in case…so, there’s arcade games which are video games that you put quarters in or money in or now you go to these video game restaurants or pubs or museums and play them.  The pinball machines are the ones that actually are physical machines, so they usually have a ball in there.  You flick it with flippers and stuff.  So, yeah, very sleepy stuff.  You say what…what’s the most…what are the top ten sleepy things in the world?  Oh, pinball machines for sure.  But yeah, if you slow it down, the rolling of a ball…and in this case it’s more steeped in this person’s interest and fandom.  I always find fandom very soothing, and the depth of details that absorb fans and what they fixate on.  So, that’s really what tonight’s story will be about, is a fan of pinball and it makes a sound.

 

But if you’re new, the podcast is here to keep you company while you fall asleep.  It’s that simple, because I have trouble sleeping and when I do, it can…it’s not…it’s tough to kinda break up whatever it is, that mechanism that starts grinding or churning.  Then you say…you go from it being a benign thing where you say well, I just want to get to sleep to it being more aggravating, I guess.  Not to use an intense word, but that’s pretty low on the intensity meter.  So, I guess that’s it.  The main thing is if you’re new, give it a few tries.  That’s what everybody says that listens.  I’m working on a version of the website, so if the show doesn’t work for you, you’re listening right now and you’re like oh no, I don’t think I like this podcast, or you go to…but if you still want some help, sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothanks or /nothankyou.

 

Either one should work.  Eventually when I get around to making it, and that’ll give you some other resources to check out to sleep to, ‘cause I’ve been there even with this podcast, ‘cause it doesn’t work for everybody.  So, that’s…those are some options.  I mean, the main message is I really appreciate your time and checking the show out, and I really yearn, I really hope I can help you fall asleep.  Thanks again for coming by, and here’s a couple ways we keep the show going.

 

Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing?  Trouble getting to sleep?  Trouble staying asleep?  Well, welcome to Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  We do it with a bedtime story.  Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play.  I’m gonna do the rest.  What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, anything keeping you up; changes in work schedule, routine, travel, new family members…no offense, adult parents, older family members, any family members, soundly sleeping bed mates.  What I’m gonna try to do is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night.  I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders.

 

There’s a first time for everything in this podcast.  For the first time, and this…I don’t know if this is gonna work and I don’t even know really why…you know when you catch yourself doing something physically and you say well, that’s interesting, Drew.  Scoots, what are you up to, there?  I have my…what is that?  So, this is my right hand and I have my right index finger…the rest of my hand is kinda closed but my right index finger is out in a kind of hook pointing position to the left part of my forehead…no, the right part of my…you’re right, right…you’re right, left brain; it is on the right side of my forehead.  It’s just perched there, kinda like I was pointing to something or if I was touching something but I don’t have anything that says hm, I wanna touch that.  Say, is that…am I getting my hormones going?

 

It wasn’t that, saying oh boy, I’m pre-pubescent.  Got some acne.  It wasn’t a little scratchy-poo.  I just put…I just found my finger there.  Now, I actually…I do…you know what a phlebotomist is someone that can read the folds…anyway, they want to get…I’m supposed to be setting this up and also, my arm’s getting tired.  But yeah, my finger is just up there, kinda like I was saying hm, I’m thinking.  But what made me say hm, I’m thinking, is hey, body, what are you doing?  So, maybe in a…maybe somewhere in another universe I’m thinking about something.  Here, I’m just talking without thinking.  If you’re new, welcome.  I’m glad you’re here.  I really hope I can help you fall asleep.

 

Now, this podcast does not work for everyone, but here’s a proposal and you’re free to accept it or go about your business; give it a few tries, see it helps, see if it puts you to sleep, see if it relaxes you, makes you more comfortable.  See how it goes.  The podcast is free to consume, particularly for new listeners.  You could come in and browse.  You say well, let me…what do you mean, I can come in this restaurant and taste the food and see what I think?  I say oh yeah, ‘cause all of it’s imaginary here.  You know, I do have a business I’m working on, Sippin’ Broth, so we could pretend it’s that.  You come in and you say, mm.  It’s Sippin’ Broth.  The first sip is free.  That’s not gonna be our catchphrase but that would be one of our tenants.  You say well, how do you run things?  Well, the first sip is free.

 

It’s a very small sip though, and it’s a regulated sip.  Believe me, I’m behind the counter and I say whoa, whoa, whoa, you’ve had…sorry.  Comes in those ketchup…the paper things you could put just a dollop of ketchup in.  Yeah, that’s what we serve…our first sip is free.  Okay, sorry.  Oh, new listeners; oh, new listeners, I may have lost a few of you there.  Maybe you fell asleep.  Maybe you said oh, right, maybe this isn’t for me.  But if you’re in the neutral zone which is a pretty wide range of the spectrum, you might say oh, I don’t understand…and I say yeah, kick back, see if this podcast can help.  Don’t try to overthink it because I’m not running…I don’t know how many cylinders the average brain has, and some part of my brain just said there’s no cylinders.  [00:30:00] Then another part said we’re not cylindrical.

 

I said great, some of you were paying attention in the part of the C alphabet vocabulary.  Cynical, somebody…another part of my brain just yelled out cynical.  Why would you do that?  We were having fun with cylinder and cylindrical.  Now I’m wanting to sing a song about…it’s like, I’d sing it’s not unusual to be cylindrical.  Maybe a car could sing…maybe a car’s already sang that, a AA MCO.  Maybe it sang that song.  No.  Okay, well, I gotta get back to the new listeners.  Nice to meet you.  Whom are you?  Really?  I’m talking to a part of my brain that refuses to answer it’s…that question.  Okay, anyway, if you’re a new listener, don’t try to make too much sense of things ‘cause it’s a bit of nonsense around here.

 

The whole idea of the nonsense-type stuff and the going off…I mean, I’m good at going off-topic naturally and I’m good at nonsense, actually, naturally.  But I believe it takes…it brings some levity to bedtime.  Soon you’ll realize yeah, okay, I can try to follow Scoots.  I can follow him.  But he goes, you know, pointless meanders, send my voice across the deep, dark night, lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, go off-topic, all that stuff, so yeah, just give it a few tries.  See if it works.  Structurally what to expect, the show starts off with a few minutes of business.  That’s how we keep it free, is the people that support the show and the sponsors, then there’s the intro.  We’re about seven minutes into the intro.  Intro’s around twelve minutes.  They are not anything other than a show…a fun show within a show.

 

Well, I say fun but part of my brain just put quotes around it already.  But it’s a part of the show where you can get familiar or there will be some familiarity, some levity.  There will be some cylindrical thinking for sure.  You know what’s strange, I don’t always observe everything that’s going…some part of my brain just yelled out stupendous, but just as a word; not saying what I said was stupendous.  What does that…?  That’s called free association, right?  When I said cylindrical, another part of my brain said stupendous.  Oh, and then…okay, we don’t need you chiming in with other STU words unless it’s sturgeon.  Thank you, I’ll take over from here.  At least I’m in charge of the consciousness today.  So, oh, so the intro is kind of like a show within a show.

 

Sometimes new people or people say oh, it’s a bit of…it’s just a show within a show.  Some people listen to it to fall asleep, some people listen to it…more and more people I’m hearing from listen to it during the day to say whoa, that was…had some intensity to it.  Let me listen to little Scoots.  Or oh, I gotta make that phone call later.  Let me listen to some Scoots.  So, you could do that.  A few people skip the intro; they go right to the story or the discussion of Doctor Who which will be tonight.  So, however you do it, or…a lot of people also send me pictures.  When they play the intro, their cats or their dogs or, you know, I’d like to see some turtles coming.  That would take…they say Scoots, your intros are just the same length it takes my turtle to come get in bed with me.  I said whoa, whoa, whoa, hold the phone, here.

 

You’re in bed with a turtle?  It kinda makes sense ‘cause you couldn’t roll over on a turtle ‘cause…if it would be in its shell.  Do turtles always sleep in their shells?  That would be another thing…and I’m not talking about in cartoons.  I’m talking about in reality.  Here’s another thing; what if a turtle oversleeps and then they…do they do the same thing as humans do?  When they stick their head out of the shell they say oi, oh, the sun, what…how…what time is it?  Holy mackerel.  Now I’m gonna be really late ‘cause it takes me forever to get…no offense; I’m not trying to make jokes at your expense, turtles.  I’m just saying if you’re listening and you have a turtle as a bed mate, a real turtle, not a turtle-like being…well, if you have a turtle-like being as a bed mate…also…but not someone in a turtleneck.

 

You say oh, yeah, Randy wears a turtleneck to bed.  Also, if…yeah, if they do, get in touch with me about that too, and I’ll…that’d be interesting.  I say of course, when I started sleeping in turtlenecks, I never went back.  I said, really?  Tell me more.  I’m deep in this intro but…I was trying to tell the new listeners but tell me more about wearing turtlenecks to bed.  Well, which type?  No, not a mock turtleneck, first off.  I don’t know why they don’t call those quarter-turtlenecks or half-turtlenecks.  A double one, where you fold it over, where you could go all…if you wanted to, you could unroll it up to your nose, but you get a nice fold in there.  It’s just like a comforter for my neck.  What can I say?  I say, you’re brilliant.  You may have changed pyjamas forever.

 

Today on Sleep With Me…can we get…does anybody have the number for Pajamas Today?  That doesn’t exist.  What about Pajamas Weekly?  Internet took them.  What about Pajamas Monthly?  Okay, they were purchased by Vanity Fair.  Really?  Hm, that’s good…that’s interesting.  That’s Pajamas Monthly?  What about PJ’s…PJ…there you go, I gave back the…sorry, yeah, you’re right.  Do you edit for one of the PJ…PJ Monthly?  What about PJ Quarterly?  Oh, that was…that’s a quarterback, really?  PJ Quarterly?  I’d like to meet…I’d like to…they should run for office.  This podcast episode was brought to you by PJ Quarterly.  So anyway, if you’re new…so, structure of the show…the intro goes on for a while, then there’s…we’ll be talking…there’s some business, then we talk about a Doctor Who episode in a very meandering and indirect way.

 

Then we have some thank-yous and goodnights, so that’s the structure of the show.  You’re under no pressure to listen and no pressure to fall asleep.  I’m here to keep you company as you drift off, to take your mind off of stuff, to be your bore-friend, to be your bore-bud, to be your friend in the deep, dark night.  You know why?  Because I’ve been there tossing and turning.  I know how it feels and I believe you deserve a good night’s sleep, or if you’re having a rough day or you did something to say hey, let’s think about this; let’s think about whatever random stuff just…I just rattled off twelve minutes of randomness.

 

But seriously, those last couple ideas I think have some merit; PJ Quarterly…somebody think about naming…maybe you could…if you’re entering one of your…if you’re entering your turtle in a competition…if…I mean, I think that would be a good name for a turtle, especially one that you dress up as…like a professor at Halloween.  You say, I’d like to meet…naming my turtle PJ Quarterly.  PJ for short, or Peej.  Also, I sleep with my…I mean, I sleep in the same bed as my turtle, so I just want to get…I don’t know if that’s a deal-breaker.  Oh, it is?  Okay.  Wait, was it the fact that my turtle had a first name and a last name and possibly two first names ‘cause PJ could stand for something?  Or the fact…people’s dogs sleep in their beds.  Oh.  You say yeah, I got…maybe this could keep the conversation going.  How does the turtle get in bed?  Maybe it jumps.

 

You’d have to…okay, get back to the listeners.  Sorry about that.  Okay, hey, so I’m here to keep you company.  I’m here to put you in a good mood, ideally, or a neutral mood.  You’d say yeah, Scoots…hm, I don’t know what…he was messing around last night.  I don’t know, something about something.  Some…tortoise related, maybe.  Tortoiseshell glass…a tortoise in tortoiseshell glasses.  I can’t believe I thought of this at the end of the intro.  That’s not a good thing.  You’re right, PJ.  Maybe…PJ Quarterly.  Meet my new subconscious, PJ Quarterly.  My subconscious is very turtle-like.  It has…can you deal with my lizard brain, please?  Thank you.  Okay, so anyway, I’m here to help, I’m here to keep you company.  I appreciate you checking the show out.  Give it a few tries.  I want you to know I work very hard and I yearn and I strive to help you fall asleep, alright?  Here’s a couple ways we keep the show going.

 

Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing?  Trouble getting to sleep?  Trouble staying asleep?  Well, welcome.  This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  We do it with a bedtime story.  Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play.  I’m gonna do the rest.  What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, changes in time or temperature, you know, anything going on that’s keeping you awake.  It could be anything.  You could be remembering someone that was [00:40:00] drumming their fingers during a meeting today.  You know, that…I’m not…that happens to me.  I say, why didn’t I…?

 

These could be thoughts about…I say, why didn’t I say anything about that friggin’ drumming of the fingers Little Barry was doing?  First of all, I was at an imaginary meeting which is my own set of issues that I was at a conference meeting with someone named…I say, what are we here…what…I can’t focus on…I didn’t have the wherewithal to say excuse me Barry, I’m here to have an imaginary meeting with…I don’t know.  Who’s in this meeting?  Oh, thank you.  Point of order, go ahead.  Oh, I’m in the middle of a podcast intro?  Secondary point of order.  We’re not using Robert’s Rules of Order.  Correct.  I’m not a fan.  Too many rules, you know.  Point of order number three…oh, we’re at the beginning of a podcast intro.  Oh, boy.  Sorry about that, new listeners.  Went right off-topic really early.

 

Hopefully I’ll get back to that meeting.  But whatever’s keeping you awake, I’m here to keep you company and take your mind off of stuff.  What I’m gonna do…what I’m going to do is send my voice across the deep, dark night.  I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents which you just saw, a few of them, and I’m here to help.  It’s a nice, cozy safe place.  Now, this…I’ll give you the news upfront; if you’re new, I’m glad you’re here and here’s a couple of things to know.  This podcast is very silly and goofy and counterintuitive.  So, see if you could kick back just like you’re at the meeting but you’re not invested, whatever meeting that was.  I mean, maybe there is a part of me…is this what dual…the…is this duality?  I don’t know.

 

Or I could be listening and enjoying Barry’s…or maybe I could empathize with Barry and say huh, maybe after the meeting I’ll check in with Barry and see what’s up with the finger drumming.  But for now I gotta focus on this meeting because I don’t even know who called it.  Also, yeah, there is the underlying…or this meeting’s going on within my…but oh, also I’m in the middle of a pod…okay.  So, this podcast goes off-topic a lot but it’s here to just help.  Now, it doesn’t work for everybody but give it a few tries.  Another thing that doesn’t always work for everybody but kinda see how it goes is that the podcast has this long intro which is in a weird way an essential part of the show unless you skip it.  If you skip it, that means it’s not essential for you.  You could skip ahead to eighteen minutes.

 

But I really don’t want you to miss out on this part ‘cause this is the part where people start to wind-down.  Also, and this is the only thing where you never know what’s gonna happen but you know you could sleep through it.  I don’t think that phrase has ever been uttered before in the history of…first for humanity.  Tonight on Sleep With Me, during the intro, anything could happen but nothing you’ll need to be awake for or that you’ll be like holy cow, what did I miss?  ‘Cause you say well, honey, what did I miss?  I fell asleep last night during the intro.  I thought that was the wind-down, you know.  I brushed my teeth, I got into bed, I prepped…I puffed my pillows, I started just feeling the cross-breeze we have going, and Scoots was talking.

 

I was planning on just easing into bed and then maybe falling asleep at some point.  But next thing I know, he was…I was asleep.  What happened?  Well honey, actually, I don’t know.  I was asleep, too.  I’m pretty sure he invented a new musical instrument called the finger drum, though it could be…it may not have been a…I think he was talking about…or maybe he was talking about a meeting of finger drummers or something.  Huh, that’s interesting.  I remember a conference table and then I pictured it so comfortable and I was sleeping on it.  So, that’s…okay, anyway, excuse me, couple.  I’m sorry.  I don’t know if you checked out our sponsor Zola yet, but excuse me; I was just talking to another new listener.  I didn’t mean to interrupt your breakfast.  Oh, hey Scoots, thanks for putting us to sleep last night.

 

Hey, no problem.  I’m just…I was just trying to give an example.  I’ve never actually interviewed a couple.  I’ve only replayed your conversations for listeners, but I’ve never had a chance to…you two look love…like, I’ve never seen two people look so radiant before at this time of the morning.  Well Scoots, it’s ‘cause you put us to sleep so good.  Oh, great.  You mind explaining kinda what the intro is for the new listener?  Well, it’s a intro.  Oh, hey new listener, it’s me.  I’m a regular lunchbox-toting Sleep With Me listener here and I just wanted you to know the intro…it seems at first like a drawn-out purposeless thing but it’s actually…strangely enough, I don’t think it’s a technique that Scooter uses.  No offense, Scooter.  None taken, lunchbox-toting member of the Sleep With Me community.  Thanks, Scooter.

 

But yeah, it’s where he explains what the podcast is.  He never gets there.  But it’s kinda fun; it adds some levity to bedtime.  I think that’s the main goal.  Lets you know there’s a…that it’s important you’re listening but that there’s a community of other listeners there.  Hun, what else does Scooter do during the intro?  Well, thanks sweetums.  I’m actually a brown-bag-toting member of the Sleep With Me community.  No lunchbox for me.  But I make my own lunch, and he explains the structure of the show where it starts off with a few minutes of business, then there’s the intro which we’re talking about right now, so that’s pretty meta.  The intros are around twelve to fourteen to seventeen to sixteen to fifteen minutes or so, a show within a show.  Then between the intro and the story is some business, too.

 

That’s what keeps the podcast free for everybody.  Then after that, there’s a story.  I think today it’ll be…they’re called Tuesday-style stories even though the podcast doesn’t come out on Tuesdays.  So, it could be about anything, but we know it’ll be nice and soothing and stuff.  Then there’s some thank-yous at the end.  That’s the structure of the show.  Sugarcakes, why don’t you tell them a couple of the rules of the podcast?  Oh, thanks, honeypie.  Scooter, I was talking to sugarcakes; not to you, Scooter.  Oh, okay.  Oh, thanks, honey-poo.  Sorry Scooter, we have pet names for each other ‘cause we’re in a relationship.  You’re just our bore-friend, our bore-bae.  Oh, that’s perfect.  Thanks, honeybuns.  Scooter…no, no, I was just…I wasn’t making fun of your pet names.  It’s just, it’s an instinctual thing for me.

 

I call my dog sugar pot-pie sometimes and it doesn’t…oh, Scooter, I might use that one.  Okay, anyway, so then…oh, what were talking about?  Oh, the rules.  No need to listen to the podcast.  I think we’ve made that pretty abundantly clear.  But just expense…expect Scooter to go off-topic.  That’s part of the fun part but it’s also part of…it’s hard to follow.  Ideally, it’s just interesting enough to take your mind off of stuff, but you say well, I don’t really need to listen to Scooter.  As much as we love you, Scooter; that part.  The other thing is there’s no pressure to fall asleep.  That’s what I really like.  A lot of things…you say, there’s sleep solutions, there’s sleep cures.  Scooter’s just your sleep buddy.  He’s here to be there for you while you fall asleep.  Rubber ducky-poo, what do…oh, thanks, washcloth of my dreams.

 

Yeah, he also lets you know that you deserve a good night’s sleep.  But he’s there to just walk at your side as you drift off.  So, you can listen.  The other important thing is if you can’t sleep, he’s there to the very end, and there’s a bunch of other episodes ready to go.  So, it’s not so much a sleep podcast as a podcast to listen to as you fall asleep, I guess.  Scooter, you have anything to add about your own podcast?  Well, thank you both so much.  That was lovely.  I don’t think I could have done a better job if I needed to, except I don’t know if washcloth of my…I may have changed that.  But oh wait, this is also in my imagination?  Wow.  Okay, well, that’s interesting.  I think those were real listeners, to be honest with you, or a very good…those…okay, I got some part of my brain…you know what, Barry?

 

You could drum your fingers all you want.  I’m here to help you too, Bare.  You know, Barry, I think drumming your fingers is a bit of a metaphor for the podcast.  Just like those listeners said, it gives you something to do while you’re doing something else, and maybe the physical drumming of the fingers takes your mind off and allows you to focus on the meeting.  You know what, Barry?  Maybe it just feels good for you.  That’s really my goal, is to make bedtime feel a little bit better.  I mean, I strive to make it feel good, to make you feel safe [00:50:00] and distracted, ensconced in lulls.  But if I just get close, you say well, it’s pretty decent, having Scoots around at bedtime to take my mind off of stuff.  So, that’s what I do.  That’s why I’m here.  If you’re just checking the show out, I really appreciate it.

 

I mean, I really hope I can help.  Now, I know it doesn’t work for everybody.  This show is not everybody’s taste but I do know that we have a lot, a lot of loyal listeners who said yeah, it took two or three tries, or at first me not liking the podcast.  I know this is strange; I’m not trying to sell you on the podcast.  I only hope it helps you.  But a lot of people say I gave it…so give it two or three tries and then if it…then move…there’s LibriVox, there’s Sleep Whispers, there’s Slow Radio…is a new one, Sleepy.  So, there’s other stuff out there, plenty of other stuff.  Oh, myNoise; that’s another one I’ve been playing with lately.  So, give some of those a try, too.  But I’m here to help you.

 

Those are all free mentions ‘cause I mean, even if this podcast doesn’t work for you, I still believe you deserve a good night’s sleep and I really desire that for you, and…where you can go out tomorrow and flourish.  The reason I say that is ‘cause I’ve been there.  That’s why I work so hard on this show and that’s why I yearn and I strive to help you fall asleep, and that’s why I say thank you again for coming by.  By the way, here’s a couple ways we keep this show going.

 

Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing?  Trouble getting to sleep?  Trouble staying asleep?  Well, welcome.  This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  We do it with a bedtime story.  Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play.  I’m gonna do the rest.  What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, changes in time, temperature, stuff you’re…whatever it is, whatever’s keeping you awake.  It could be physical, it could be something you’re experiencing, it could be where you are, work…whatever it is, I’d like to help.  I’d like to take your mind off of it and what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night.

 

I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents, go…I’m gonna go off-topic and use lots of ums and ahs.  If you’re new, here’s a few things; this podcast is a little bit different, so give it a few tries.  It might be different than what you’re expecting, and so sometimes it’s just easier to just kinda passively view it ‘cause you really…this is one of the few podcasts you don’t really need to listen to.  There’s no pressure to listen, and even though it’s a podcast to put you to sleep, there’s no pressure to fall asleep.  I’m gonna be here for about an hour to keep you company, and it’s more of a podcast here while you fall asleep.  So, I’ll be here ‘til the end.  If you can’t sleep, queue up a few episodes.  I’m happy to hang here and keep you company.

 

I’m happy to hang here and be your bore-bud.  So, that’s…those are a couple things.  Yeah, don’t need to listen, doesn’t…you don’t need to make a whole lot of sense of this, but there’s also no pressure to fall asleep.  You deserve a good night’s sleep; that’s why I’m here.  Structurally what to expect, the show starts off with a few minutes of business.  That’s really how we keep the show free, are the people that take action on that stuff, so thank you to those people.  So, that’s…a few minutes of business, then there’s the intro.  Now, the intro’s kind of a part of the show or a show within a show that a lot of people use…the majority of listeners use as part of their bedtime routine.  Some listeners skip ahead to the story.  You could just skip ahead about eighteen minutes…is normally a good place to skip ahead.

 

Then some listeners fall asleep during the intro, and the intro’s kind of just me trying to describe what the podcast is to set the mood, to let you know what I said; you don’t really need to listen and I’m here to help.  I’m here to earn your trust, not to assume you’re gonna give it to me.  If you’re new, of course you’re gonna be skeptical, and I think this…the long intros of the show in some strange way will make a lot of people more skeptical ‘cause they don’t really…there’s about twelve or fourteen minutes of this friendly banter.  You say well, when’s the bedtime story start?  Well, about eighteen minutes it starts.  But this is part of the bedtime story ‘cause again, this podcast works more slow.  It’s not like oh, you should be asleep instantly or whatever.

 

It’s more a friendly voice in the deep, dark night, so I’m here to help, and…let’s see, so that’s…oh, so that’s the intro, is kinda me explaining that.  Then there’s a story.  Tonight it’s our episodic series, Big Farm in the Sky PI.  Season 2 of that.  But really, it’s all episodic.  It’s kinda just like a mystery, similar to like…in something like Encyclopedia Brown or Big Nate, Thea or Geronimo Stilton.  You know, however you like your Stiltons.  Some people might like it as cheese, some people might like it as people that eat cheese, like Thea and Geronimo.  I don’t know if I’ve read any Thea-only books, so I’m not exactly sure if those are mysteries.  But however you like your kid mysteries, you could say well, I…I’m old school; Nancy Drew or nothing.  I say, no problem.  Got you covered.  These are kinda mundane mysteries.

 

Tonight it’ll be about a cupcake.  You probably saw the title of the episode.  So, that’ll be the bedtime story.  Between the intro and the story is some business.  That’s, again, how we keep the show free.  Then the…there’s thank-yous at the end.  So, that’s the structure of the show.  What else?  What else?  I did have something that I…came up when I was talking and that I already forgot about, which is a pretty standard part of these intros.  A lot of times I come back to this; I make the show because I’ve been there and I know how it feels.  I know how it feels not to be able to fall asleep or, I don’t know, just for me lately, my normal go-to method and routine isn’t working and I’m trying to find this new balance.  I actually have this…this is…I guess this is a strange thing to say.

 

First off, if you’re looking for a podcast to listen to, check out West Wing Weekly ‘cause that’s gonna come up in this little side tangent I’m about to take.  But a few months ago I did a episode about a holiday…top holiday specials.  One of the West…maybe I talked about this recently, and then one of the West Wing episodes from the TV show…from the late-90s, early aughts, The West Wing…it was considered one of the top holiday specials.  So, I started watching this.  Now, don’t ask me to do West Wing podcast content ‘cause you can’t do that.  Now I’m even…well, most people just talk about West Wing…this is all fictional stuff, so that’s why I’m comfortable talking about it in the intro.  I just face-palmed my head, saying what am I…?

 

But so, this TV show, I started watching it and I watched the holiday episode.  I said wow, this is a very comforting show to me, and it’s very…there’s a lot going on and it’s very well-written and very well-directed, and the performances are amazing.  So, I started watching it for relaxation as part of my wind-down, actually, where I said well, let me catch forty…whatever it is on Netflix.  It’s like, whatever, forty-four minutes.  Then I can listen to the West Wing Weekly kinda…well, they’re way ahead of me, but…so, I’m still on Season 1.  But it’s just cool to hear other people’s thoughts or what was going on.  Like, hearing stuff through the actor’s eyes.  So, really cool…I mean, great world of podcasting.

 

Same thing with Survivor and Rob Has a Podcast; Josh Wigler and Rob…Rob and Josh and everything, just complementing something you already enjoy.  But I added this show into my bedtime routine, for the most part, and I tried to do it a little bit earlier which means I have to get…start my bedtime routine earlier to have that forty-five minutes or it’ll impinge on…let’s see, the rest of my bedtime routine which is kinda doing some light journaling or writing, ideally some foam rolling, and then thirty-minutes of fiction reading, which strangely enough, in the vein of…as I’m recording this, I’ve been reading Sherlock Holmes, kinda keep my frame of references of solving mysteries and stuff.  But what was my point?  So, I enjoy West Wing and I don’t find it stimulating.

 

I mean, I do find it stimulating from a creative standpoint, and because there’s so many plot lines normally in a episode, [01:00:00] I find it easier to engage with.  I find myself less distracted to do podcast work and just watch the show.  Also, like a podcast, the West Wing…the characters are so well-developed and so well-performed and written that you kinda feel like…that you know them.  I guess, at least for me, I say, what…especially Rob Lowe’s character.  Of course, now I…Sam and probably Toby…if any…say Scoots, what West Wing…I mean, I don’t think you’d have to ask what West Wing character…you say well, I’d like to be Sam.  I’m like Toby without the brains.  I mean that in a…without the intellect.  I guess…I know I have brains; I’m an intelligent person.

 

But the characters are written with this…such high intellect and performed that you say well, there just are people with that kinda intellect and stuff that I don’t have.  But in some way they say well, but I have the grouchy part of Toby down.  You know, and this thing of…like, some of the other beliefs…but anyway, so, what was I talking about?  So, I don’t find it keeps me up because I don’t…I find it…even though you would think it’s heavy fare and for some people it may be heavy fare, for me it’s so creatively…I guess the content…it’s so creatively impressive that the actual content is just the icing on the cake.  I don’t know if that makes sense or if I’m even understanding what I’m trying to explain.  But suddenly I have this new thing in my bedtime routine and I don’t think it’s the West Wing’s fault, though maybe it is.

 

Maybe I gotta…you say well, I replaced watching the news with watching a fictional TV show called The West Wing.  But where was my point?  I don’t know.  But I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately, and the fiction part…I don’t know.  So, I guess my main thing is that’s why I make this show, because I know what’s it’s like and I know how frustrating it can be, or how even it can have a small impact.  Like, this week I’ve been setting my alarm later.  Usually I get up pretty early to do what I like to do in the morning before I have to get my daughter ready for school and stuff, and lately I’ve been sleeping a half hour later because I say well, I need my sleep first.  So, I don’t know.  What I mean is that it’s an honor for me to help anybody I can get a good night’s sleep.

 

I truly and I deeply, deeply believe you deserve a good night’s sleep, a bedtime free of hassle and rigmarole.  You deserve a life where you can be out there flourishing and treat yourself and others with dignity and respect.  I think good rest comes with all that, so it’s my honor to make the show.  It’s something I pour my heart, my soul, and my time into mostly to be fun.  This intro was more of…I don’t know.  That’s I guess what West Wing for me is.  Say Scoots, what are you trying to say?  Well, I have fun watching The West Wing.  I think that’s what I was trying to say.  You’re right, TLDR brain.  That’s good; you’re right.  It’s just fun.  So, I guess my point back to you, TLDR brain, is that I’m baffled that something nice and fun and sweet…I’d say, there’s a lot of sweet in…did I say The Good Place or The West Wing?

 

I meant The West Wing.  The Good Place is sweet too, but why is it…why can’t…why am I having trouble sleeping, then?  Is it unrelated?  Is it just baffling?  Yeah, Scoots.  Sometimes it’s just baffling.  You’re right, and that’s why I make this show.  That’s why I strive and I work very hard…strive and I yearn to help you fall asleep.  If you’re new, give it a few tries, but I really appreciate you coming by and checking this show out, and here’s a couple of ways we keep the show free and going.

 

Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing?  Trouble getting to sleep?  Trouble staying asleep?  Well, welcome.  This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  We do it with a bedtime story.  Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play.  I’m gonna do the rest.  What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts, feelings, physical sensations.  Whatever’s keeping you awake, I’d like to take your mind off of that, distract you from that, and the way I’m gonna do it is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night, I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, rustified tangents.

 

I’ll be wearing meanderwear which enables me…but believe it or not, most…they say oh, this has compression.  I hear that; they say oh, this stuff has compression.  When they say that, it’s just means it’s really tight and it may be from some Spandex material.  Also, they stopped using Spandex for the most part.  I think that was probably a brand, but at one point, Spandex was the…you didn’t make cats’ pajamas out of Spandex but maybe you…maybe a cat would like that.  I doubt it, and it’s been a while since we talked about cats’ pajamas and meanderwear, so maybe that’s what we’ll talk about later.  But if you’re new, here’s a few things; welcome.  I’m glad you’re here and I hope this podcast can help you fall asleep.  Now, it doesn’t work for everybody, so give it a few tries, see if it works for you.

 

I hope it does because I think you deserve a good night’s sleep.  Everyone does, and you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect and have this nice, relaxing place to check out.  But here’s a few things to…of note; don’t try to make too much sense of this podcast.  It’s a lot of nonsense and me goofing around, and thoughts on top of thoughts confused with thoughts.  You say Scoots, Spandex stock is at an all-time high when I go off…when I expound on Spandex, or it could be the opposite thing.  Scoots, you didn’t hear about the great Spandex shortage?  Oh, us here wherever…really, I say okay, I’m sorry about that.  I tend to be…so, don’t try and make too much sense of the podcast.  That’s one thing.  Kinda kick back, maybe consume it somewhat passively, kinda just like you’re watching the clouds go by.

 

So, that’s one thing.  Structurally what to expect; the show starts off with a few minutes of business.  That’s how we keep the podcast free and going, are the people who actively participate in the sponsors who are supporting the show.  Then we have an intro.  The intros are normally around twelve minutes of me trying to explain what the podcast is which you’ll see.  We’re right in the middle of it, towards the beginning.  Maybe the first third so far.  It’s kind of a show within a show.  Some listeners get ready for bed during it or have their wind-down routine.  Some listeners fall asleep during the intros, some listeners listen during the day, particularly the intro.  They say well, it calms me down; it helps me put things in perspective.  A few people skip the intros, so whatever works.

 

But it’s a show within a show where I explain what the podcast is and give you something familiar, something new, and something…I was trying to think of a word…burrowed in a pillow to keep you from feeling blue.  Not quite the rhyme I was looking for, but it’s close.  So, that’s the intro, then there will be some business between the intro and the show, then tonight we’ll be talking about Doctor Who, but in the most tangential, indirect way you could ever imagine.  Say well, are those bifocals?  Oh, interesting.  K-9…if a K-9 doesn’t have canines, is it still a K…?  You know, that might be something I would go on a tangent about.

 

You say well, I don’t remember that episode of Doctor Who, but I kinda do, kinda like if you had a…watched the episode of Doctor Who; four months later you had a dream about it and you said…they said well, geesh, Brad, what’s going on?  You look distracted.  I think I had a dream about Doctor Who last night.  Oh, hubba-hubba.  Which Doctor?  The witty one, hardy-har-har.  So, but yeah, I don’t really remember the dream.  Anyway, so that’s the Doctor Who coverage, then we have some thank-yous at the end.  That’s the structure of the show.  A couple of other things you might want to remember; you don’t really have to listen to this podcast.  You can kinda listen, you can barely listen, you can turn me down.  There’s people who listen just for the sound.

 

They say well, I don’t even…one, I’m not exactly sure what dialect of the English language you’re speaking anyway, but I don’t know if I understand what you’re saying, so I just listen for the noise.  I say, great.  So, you don’t need to listen but you can.  I’ll be here ‘til the end to keep you company if you can’t sleep or if you’re having…struggling or you’re waking up in the middle of the night or you’re stressed during the day.  I’m here to the very end, to be your bore-friend, to be your bore-bae, to be your companion [01:10:00] in the deep, dark night.  But you don’t need to listen to me even though that’s…I guess…I don’t think that’s irony, but…so, you don’t need to listen and there’s also no pressure to fall asleep.  Maybe that’s where the irony comes in.

 

I’m here to keep you company as you drift off, to take your mind and say hey, let’s look over here.  What kind of shoes was the Doctor wearing this week?  Did we ever figure out if that was a raincoat or a duster?  Here’s something I never asked; do people dust their dusters with a duster?  You’d say well, what about a DustBuster?  Did DustBusters ever have an ad with a DustBuster and a duster?  Or, I don’t think…I think they missed the boat back then.  Now that’s not a thing.  It was like a portable vacuum, but I don’t know if they ever personified the DustBuster.  They said well, we gotta lock down.  We got Xerox, we got Google, we got Spandex, and we got DustBuster.  I’d say well, oof.  One out of four ain’t bad.  That’s still…kinda Xerox is still a thing, maybe.

 

Also, they…Spandex and DustBuster want…Google wasn’t around.  You say, you’re lucky Google wasn’t around when you were then, ‘cause people would say, what is Spandex?  Then they’d say, super-tight…whatever it is.  Is lycra and Spandex the same thing or are those different?  That’s another question I may have.  Also, while I was talking, the cats got through to me.  They said they don’t want any Spandex for their cats’ pajamas.  I said okay, well, back to the old capajama lab then, because…I was think…and then I said this to the cats; believe it or not, this was during the intro.  I said, are you sure about that?  Because you’re just having a reaction, ‘cause I say…you know, some people like to be swaddled.  They got heavy blankets.  Maybe some cats would like a tight pajama.  I realize this isn’t an SAT question.

 

I’m not saying all cats like tight pajamas, but I’m say…therefore, some cats like Spandex pajamas.  You’re saying all cats don’t like pajamas which I based an entire business on the fact that one day they will love pajamas, some cats.  Most cats could love pajamas.  Then some cats love Spandex pajamas or lycra.  We could get it…or we could just say…no, no…yeah, you don’t want any compression pajamas.  What about me…what about some cats like meanderwear?  What about kitten…what about…we put some catnip in there?  That might be too…that wouldn’t be good for bedtime.  The cats’ mothers just called in.  The mothers of all cats, they said please don’t do that; please don’t put catnip in anything, especially at bedtime.  I said no problem, moms…kitten moms.  Consider it done.

 

But kitten moms, could I interest you in something…in a lycra or a Spandex or a yoga pant, like one leg of a yoga pant, which I’m assuming is some material like lycra or Spandex?  But maybe they said well, it went generic.  Does that happen to clothing just like it does with other things?  You say well, yeah, no, back in the 80s we could…you could only get Spandex.  But once the…but once that patent ran out, man, you could just get it where…you didn’t have to pay the full markup for…or you didn’t have to get lycra; you could finally get Span…and they said okay, but now they don’t have…I guess…I’m just wondering.  My thoughts are petering out partly ‘cause I realize the answer may be totally…they say Scooter, man, yeah.  They say well, maybe it just fell out of taste.  People said well, Spandex?

 

That’s the kinda thing you use…what do you use…?  You use it for biking, you use it for…maybe…I don’t know what other things…when you want something super tight.  But then they said oh, okay, well, we got other…I don’t know.  So, I don’t know what happened to Spandex.  I know kittens and cats and cat mothers, they don’t seem interested.  But I could say well, hey kitten mothers, hey cats, we’ve partnered…yeah, with a yoga pant…that big yoga pant company with the symbol.  I forget.  They’re called…something.  Omnicron Delta or whatever it is.  Oh, something like…but yeah, it’s something like Omnicron Delta.  Oh boy, they have their own patented blend of fabrics…lycra and Spandex.  Also, no catnip in there.  But whatever keeps cats calm; if there’s some material…and then also cotton, of course.

 

Maybe some horse hair in there?  I don’t think horse hair would be good for bedtime, either.  You’re right, cat moms.  Good thing we’re doing this research thing right in the middle of a podcast intro.  But yeah, we partnered with that company, so…actually what I did was I bought all the extra…the short…the…what do they call those?  Seconds or whatever.  I got the fourths.  They said well, one leg is…these ones we made the legs two different sizes.  I’d say, that’s great; I’m gonna cut them up anyway and make them into cat swaddlers.  You say, your cat needs to be swaddled?  Swaddle a cat.  Only if they want…only the few cats…a small percentage of cats in the world that want to be swaddled, which…okay, so that didn’t work out.

 

I guess no cats want to be swaddled, but I would like to swaddle you with my words, or not; give you as much space as you want.  I’m here to take your mind off of stuff, to keep you company so you can fall asleep, because I’ve been there in the deep, dark night.  I believe you deserve a good night’s sleep, and I’m here to help.  So what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna be talking here, so yeah, just kick back, see how it goes.  But I work very hard.  Give it a few tries, like many reviewers say; it took a few tries.  But I’m here to help.  I work very hard and I yearn and I strive, and I want to help you fall asleep.  Thanks so much and let’s hear a couple of ways we keep this show going.

 

[END OF RECORDING]

(www.leahtranscribes.com)

Notable Language:

• Tuba Hooting and Hula Hooping
• Sturgeon
• Meanderwear

Notable Culture:

• The Gong Show
• Encyclopedia Brown
• “West Wing Weekly”

Notable Talking Points:

• The Joy of Tube Pumping
• Oh boy, I’m prebuscent
• If a K9 doesn’t have canines is it still a Canine?