746 – Footh and Flaw | Sleepin’ With Dr. Who S2 E3

Transcript of Episode

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and friends beyond binary, it's time for the podcaster whose main tenant is making sure you're a comfortable tenant in your bed … Or, your sleeping area, or sleeping arena. Holy mackerel, if you have a sleeping arena, congrats. If it's night it's common courtesy of David Tennant, it's Dr. Who. Who am I? Well … That probably says it all. I'm the podcast, the person. By the way it's time for Sleep With Me; the podcast that puts you to sleep.

Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep? Welcome to Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. All you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights and press play. I'm going to do the rest.

What I'm going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever's keeping you awake. Whether it's thoughts, feelings, a physical sensation, like, anything keeping you up. You have changes in work schedule, routine, travel, new family members. No offense, adult parents. Older family members, you know, any family members, soundly sleeping bed mates.

What I'm going to try to do is, I'm going to send my voice across the deep, dark night. I'm going to use lulling, soothing, creaky dulcet tones, pointless meanders. There's a first time for everything on this podcast. For the first time in this, I don't know if this is going to work, and I don't even know really. You know when you catch yourself doing something physically, and you say, “Well, that's interesting, Drew, Scoots. What are you up to there?”

I have my, so what is it, this is my right hand, and have my right index finger. The rest of my hand is closed, by my right index finger's out in a hook pointing position to the left part of my forehead. Your right-right, right-left brain. It is on the right side of my forehead, and it's just perched there. Like I was pointing to something, or if I was touching something. Like, I don't have anything that says, “I want to touch that. Am I getting my hormones going?” It wasn't that, saying, “Oh boy, I'm prepubescent. Got some acne.” It wasn't a little scratchy-poo. I just found my finger there.

You know what a phlebotomist is, someone that can read the full … Anyway, I'm supposed to be setting this up, and also my arm's getting tired. Yeah, my finger's just up there, like I was saying, “Hm, I'm thinking.” What made me say, “Hm, I'm thinking,” is hey, body what're you doing? Maybe somewhere in another universe I'm thinking about something. Here, I'm just talking without thinking.

If you're new, welcome. I'm glad you're here. I really hope I can help you fall asleep. Now, this podcast does not work for everyone, but here's a proposal, and you're free to accept it or go about your business. Give it a few tries and see if it helps, and see if it puts you to sleep. See if it relaxes you, makes you more comfortable. See how it goes. You know, the podcast is free to consume. Particularly for new listeners. You could come in and browse. You say, “What do you mean? I can come in this restaurant, taste the food and see what I think?” I say, “Oh, yeah.” All of it's imaginary here.

You know, they do have a business I'm working on, a [inaudible 00:04:08], so we could pretend it's that. You come in and you sit. Mm, it's sipping [broth 00:04:13], the first sip is free. That's not going to be our catch phrase, but that would be one of our tenants, you see? How do you run things? Well, the first sip is free. It's a very small sip, though, and it's a regulated sip. Believe me, I'm behind the counter. Whoa, whoa, you've had a sip, sorry. Comes in those ketchup, the paper things you can put just a dollop of ketchup in. Yeah, that's what we serve our first sip is free.

Okay, sorry. Oh, new listeners. I may have lost a few there. Maybe you fell asleep. Maybe you said, “Oh wait, maybe this isn't for me.” If you're in the neutral zone, which is a pretty wide range of the spectrum, you might say, “Oh, I don't understand.” I say, “Yeah, kick back and see if this podcast can help, but don't try to overthink it, because I'm not running it.”

I don't know how many cylinders the average brain has, and some part of my brain said, “There's no cylinders.” Then, another part said, “We're not cylindrical.” I said, “Great, so many of you were paying attention in the part of the C alphabet vocabulary.” Cynical. Another part of my brain just yelled out, “Cynical.”

Why would you do that? We were having fun with cylinder and cylindrical. Now, I'm wanting to sing a song about … I'd sing, “It's not unusual to be cylindrical.” Maybe a car's already saying that. Like, a AAMCO. Maybe it sang that song. No. Okay. Well then, I got to get back to new listeners. Nice to meet you. Whom are you? I'm talking to a part of my brain, refuses to answer that question.

Anyway, if you're a new listener, don't try to make too much sense of things, because it's a bit of nonsense around here. The whole idea of the nonsense type stuff … I'm good at going off-topic naturally, and I'm good at nonsense, actually, naturally. I believe it brings some levity to bedtime. Soon you'll realize, okay, I can try to follow Scoots. I can follow him. He goes doing pointless meanders, send my voice across the deep, dark night, lulling, soothing, creaky dulcet tones, go off-topic, all that stuff.

Yeah, just give a few tries, see if it works. Structurally what to expect, the show starts off with a few minutes of business. That's how we keep it free, as the people that support the show and the sponsors. Then, there's an intro. About seven minutes into the intro, intro's around 12 minutes. They are not like anything other than a fun show within a show. Well, I say fun, but part of my brain just put quotes around it already.

It's a part of the show where you can get familiar, or they'll be some familiarity, some levity. There'll be some cylindrical thinking for sure. This is strange, I don't always observe everything that's going … Some part of my brain just yelled out, “Stupendous.” Just as a word. Not saying what I said was stupendous. That's called pre-association, right? When I said cylindrical, another part of my brain said, “Stupendous.”

Okay, we don't need you chiming in with other S-T-U words unless it's sturgeon. Thank you, I'll take over from here. At least you haven't charged the consciousness today, so the intro is like a show within a show. Sometimes new people, or people say, “Oh, it's like a bit of …” It's just a show within a show. Some people listen to it fall asleep, and some people listen to it … More and more people I'm hearing from listen to it during the day to say, “Whoa. That had some intensity to it. Let me listen to a little Scoots.” Or, “Oh, I got to make that phone call later. Let me listen to some Scoots.”

You could do that. A few people skip the intro, they go right to the story, or the discussion of Dr. Who, which will be tonight. However you do it. A lot of people also send me pictures when they playing the intro, their cats or their dogs, or I'd like to see some turtles coming. That would take, they say, “Scoots, your intros are just the same length it takes my turtle to come get in bed with me.”

I said, “Whoa, whoa, hold the phone here. You're in bed with a turtle?” It can't make sense, because you couldn't roll over on the turtle, because it would be in its shell. Do turtles always sleep in their shells? That would be another thing. I'm not talking about in cartoons, I'm talking about in reality.

Here's another thing. What if a turtle oversleeps. Do they do the same things as humans do when they stick their head out of the shell? They say, “Oh, the sun. What time is it? Holy mackerel. Now, I'm going to be really late, because it takes me forever to get …” No offense. I'm not trying to make jokes at your expense, turtles. I'm just saying, if you're listening and you have a turtle as a bed mate, a real turtle, not a turtle-like being … Well, if you have a turtle-like being that's a bed mate, but not someone in a turtleneck you say, “Oh yeah, Randy wears a turtleneck to bed.”

Also, if they do, get in touch with me about that too. You know, that'd be interesting. Say, “Of course. When I started to sleep in turtlenecks I never went back. Yeah.” I said, “Really? Tell me more. I'm deep in this introduction, but I was trying to tell the new listeners, but tell me more about wearing turtlenecks to bed. Which type?” Not a mock turtleneck, first off, and I don't know why they don't call those porter turtlenecks, or half turtlenecks. The doubt one, where you fold it over. If you wanted to, you could unroll it up to your nose. You get a nice fold in there, and it's just like a comforter for my neck. What can I say?

You're brilliant. You may have changed pajamas forever. Does anybody have the number for Pajamas Today? That doesn't exist. What about Pajamas Weekly? The Internet took that. What about Pajamas Monthly? Okay, they were purchased. Vanity Fair, really? Hm, that's interesting. That's Pajamas Monthly? What about BJ's? Sorry, you're right. Do you edit for PJ Monthly? What about PJ Quarterly? Oh, that's a quarter backer. Really? BJ Quarterly. They should run for office. This podcast episode was brought to you by PJ Quarterly.

Anyway, if you're new, so the structure of the show, the intro goes on for a while. Then, there's some business. Then, we talk about a Dr. Who episode in a very meandering and indirect way. Then, we have some thank-yous and goodnights. It's a structured show. You're under no pressure to listen, and no pressure to fall asleep. I'm here to keep you company as you drift off. To take your mind off of stuff, to be your bore friend, to be your bore bud. To be your friend in the deep, dark night.

You know why? Because, I've been there, tossing and turning. I know how it feels. I believe you deserve a good night's sleep, or if you're having a rough day, or you did it's something to say, “Hey, let's think about this.” Let's think about whatever random stuff. You just rattled off 12 minutes of randomness. But seriously, those last couple ideas I think have some merit. PJ Quarterly. Somebody think about a name, and maybe if you're entering your turtle in a competition. I mean, I think that would be a good name for a turtle. Especially one that you dress as a professor on Halloween.

You say, “I'd like you to meet my turtle, PJ Quarterly.” You know, PJ for short, or Peej. Also, I sleep in the same bed as my turtle. I don't know if that's a deal breaker. Oh, it is? Okay. Was it the fact that my turtle had a first name and a last name? Impossibly, two first names, because PJ could stand for something? Or, the fact, you know, people's dogs sleep in their beds. See, maybe this could get the conversation going to, how does the turtle get in bed? Maybe it jumps, that you'd have to …

Okay, get back to the listeners. Sorry about that. Okay, hey, so here to keep you company, I'm here to put you in a good mood, ideally, or a neutral mood. You'd say, “Yeah, Scoots, he was messing around last night. I don't know, something about a something.” Something tortoise-related, maybe. Tortoise in tortoise shell glasses. I can't believe I thought of this at the end of the intro. That's not a good thing. You're right, PJ. Maybe a PJ Quarterly. Meet my new subconscious, PJ Quarterly. My subconscious is very turtle-like. Can you deal with my lizard brain, please? Thank you.

Okay, so anyway, I'm here to help. I'm here to keep you company. I appreciate you checking this show out. Give it a few tries, and I want you to know I worked very hard in your initial drive to help you fall asleep, all right? Here's a couple ways we keep the show going, all right? We're talking Series Two, Episode Three, Tooth and Claw. Ron Donachie or something is one of the first actors we see who's … A mental lookup would … What does this say, Spencer honk and glassy wind, or grassy wind, mountains, bells, some monks hiking. They have staves, or staffs, or staves. They look like they would be chanting.

Oh, but Ron Donachie. You'll recognize him from Game of Thrones. Someone balks, and they say, “Hey, we want your house.” He says, “You can't have this house, I'm the caretaker,” or whatever. Then, we get super-action movie. The monks become orange action stars, and tonally it was a little bit different than the rest of the episode, except for one or two. They're in these orange NINJ type things. They're doing super-high jumps, there's action music. I mean, I guess they'll probably come in later on is why.

They're all doing this action against the people that were caring for the manor, so it's like, are they taking out servants? What is going on here? Like, what do they do parkour in the kitchen, and then they got down, they put everybody in the basement. They put this canvas tarp down there. I don't know if you've gone camping, and had a canvas tarp or not. Any kind of tarp, and then just squished it up and threw it in the truck, and then threw it in the garage in a corner.

That's exactly what's happening here, and they say, “Good luck with that.” They said, “We're leaving you down here until this tarp is clean.” They say, “We went camping about 45 years ago,” and they say, “See you,” and everyone that works there is like, “What?” They think also, because they say, “It won't be that hard to clean it.” The episode opens, obviously with a twist to who knows.

Then we see a Tardis dump, a damp, something. It's late-1970s, the doctor says [binbag 00:16:50] overalls. Binbag versus, let me look at some of this. Yeah, but Rose has overalls on. Oh, he says, “binbag.” I think he's talking about her outfit for the '70s. Then, he starts rocking some Ian Dury and the Blockheads, a number one 1979, Dr. Spunk and out.

Rose can't believe it. She's like, “Oh, you're punk with a little rockabilly.” The guy's like, “We took the tortoise to go see the concert. This is why we use it.” The Battle of Trafalgar, anti-gravity Olympics, Caesar on the Rubicon, and [indury 00:17:36] a top rank, Sheffield, England in 1979, November 21st.

Then, they start to, the movie music's rocking. The doctor's, like banging a bell or something, a Tardis bell, but they have a rough landing as they head towards Sheffield. Doctor's, “I love the '70s, man. Muppet Movie's good. [inaudible 00:18:00], Skylab, mixed. Then, they get off Tardis and they say, “Holy redcoats,” or whatever. They say it's in 1879. I guess that was 17. Never mind, but they say, “We're so Scotland.” It's something about them looking dazed and confused.

Oh, yeah. No. Yeah, there are people in red coats, and they say, “Why is this girl not clothed properly?” They said, “I didn't really …” That's, like, a little bit of a ongoing joke, and they had a Scottish accent. That's how the doctor figures it out. He goes, “Oh, I've been chasing her around, because she's in these overalls.” Rose starts doing a bad Scottish accent, “Oot and aboot.” Almost as bad mine, “Hoots man. Hoots man.”

He says, “Don't do a Scottish accent.” Then, he shows his psychic favor. He goes, “I got credentials on some doctor from Edinburgh.” He says, “Approach it slowly with all due deference, the coach, the carriage.” They open the door, and it's the queen, Queen Victoria, Her Majesty. She goes, “Credentials? Oh, you're my Lord Provost, I guess.” They say, “Queen Victoria, Empress of India, defender of the faith.” Rose goes, “Sorry about the outfit.” She goes, “Yeah, I got five daughters.” She looks at the psychic papers, she goes, “Yeah, we're trying to get to Aberdeen or something.”

Doctor goes, “How come you're not on the train?” They go, “Oh, line was down.” He goes, “An accident?” She goes, “No, probably something planned. I'm totally tough. Good morning, drive one, Balmoral. 1969, six people tried to take me out as Queen. What a laugh.” Rose wants her to say, “We are not amused,” which I think must be for [Michelle 00:20:14]. I didn't have time to look it up.

We see the big house they're going to. It has a big telescope. Can't do it, the monks are there undercover. They're pretending they work there. There's also a big cross out front. Charming if rosy. Charming, if rustic. Oh, that's what the Queen says, “This place is charming, if not rustic.” I think she makes a bet with the doctor. A simple one, that she can get the Queen to say, “I'm not amused,” or, “We're not amused.”

Also, it's called the Torchwood Estate, so holy backstory. Property of the crown. They say, “Lock it up, shush-shush.” We see a telescope again. Doctor says something, “I like him but it's a bit rubbish.” I don't know what that, maybe about this guy's dad. Oh, because the telescope. He says, “There's too many prisms.” The doctor says, “It's totally weird. It doesn't make any sense why you'd have that many prisms on a telescope.”

For the infinite word of God, Queen calls the doctor a polymath. We assume maybe the guy's dad is original Torchwood. Johnny Torchwood. Also, he was in the fabulous five or something. Yeah, stars and magic he was into. Then, they talk about how Prince Albert who hung with this Torchwood dude, you know, back in 1875 or something, I don't know. How Albert and him loved to talk folklore, magic. They also loved puppies and camping tarp. Tarpal, I think they called them then.

They say, “Hey, by the way, got any clothes for Rose Tyler, Miss Tyler, because she's dressed like she's going to a hoedown, and those haven't been invented. Maybe they have, but just in the American West.” Say, “Dinner's at seven.” Still trying to get the Queen to say, “I'm not amused.” They say, “Great news. There's going to be outdoor camping. There's a full moon tonight. Only thing is, most of our tarps are spoiled.”

Sun sets, Rose is at an armoire. When the sun sets against this mountains in Scotland, then we see Rose at an armoire. She's looking at outfits. There's big music playing with … Oh, we also see, there's, like, the monks, butlers. It's like, “I've never been in a house with this many butlers.” Actually, I don't know if you've been anywhere with a butler, but you know, anywhere in my imagination.

Also, butlers are making dinner, because everybody else was trying to clean that camping tarp. They say, “Drinks for everybody. All the redcoats too.” Then, Rose meets a friend in the armoire who says, “You know, they got us cleaning these camp tarps. Can't clean them. There's some sort of strange thing.” Then, all the guards fall asleep, and Rose says, “I don't know, the doctor will know what to do. If we're going to camp outside we have to have tarps.” They say if you sleep with your tent on the ground, but everyone knows it's not true. Plus, you know, the millimeter really makes it more comfortable.

Flora. I don't know why I have that. Oh, that was Rose's new friend's name. Rose finds a sleeping guard, she says, “Were you going to just sleep inside? I thought we were camping outside.” They get busted by a monk who was undercover butler.

Instead of Undercover Boss, what about Undercover Butler? Where butlers go undercover. How about that? That could be the next movie, the TV show, I mean. Undercover Butler. It could be a series idea down the road; Undercover Butler. Somebody remind me of that, actually.

Dinner by candlelight. Rose isn't there. She's cleaning tarps now, but the doctor, the head of, the son of Torchwood, Jimmy Torchwood's his name. They're having dinner by candlelight, they're talking about this crystal. No, maybe they're drinking out of crystal, and the doctor says, “Tell me about your dad. Tell me about these stories.” “I miss my dad. He was a torch, so they called him. He didn't have any superpowers that we know about, and he loved camping.” Crystal on table, [tarro 00:25:04] glasses. I don't know what that means. There were two glasses at each place setting.

Queen's a little bit sad, you know, she missed Prince Albert. Especially when they tell stories. Serious dangling. What does that mean? Oh, serious dangling [inaudible 00:25:20], if I would've finished the sentence. The Queen's wearing them. She says, “Tell us everyone downstairs.” Oh, we see that the butler's now dark eyes, full moons, or full moans. Oh, yeah. There's a puppy barking too.

They say, “Once in a generation you're going to camp outside on unclean tarps, the tarps that wouldn't be cleaned.” Rose goes and she says, “We got to get outside and camp, but we can't clean these tarps, and they're never going to dry.” Then, she says, “You know what? If you spend enough time in the Tardis, these tarps aren't from Earth. It's that simple. These are intergalactic tarps, and they're no good.” Let's see.

There's also a bunch of puppies. Oh, the doctor recognized him from Harry Potter. Yeah, then dinner, and butler's whispering to the moonlight. That catches the doctor's attention, of course. He says, “What are you doing?” Then, that actor says, “What's going on here?” He says, “Oh, there's puppies out there that went to the bathroom on the tarps. That's what they're barking about.” He goes, Doctor's, “No, it's something else.” Wink [whoopie 00:26:46] whispers, and they say, “I don't know.” They say, “Don't look at [bull 00:26:54]. That means you, your ladyship.”

Oh, that's when Rose is trying to pull … She says, “Also, these tarps are incredibly heavy. Let's pull it out and shake it out.” She's trying to get everybody to shake the tarp out, to get it flat on the ground, because they were trying to clean it crumpled up. Then, at dinner it's total chaos. They say, “What do you want with this tarping, and the camping?” They say, “The throne, you know?”

Rose gets one of the tarps right out, and then she runs into the doctor. She says, “Let's get out of here and figure out what's in.” She says, “Where the heck have you been?” Then, they see these puppies, which clearly space puppies that pee on things with space powers. The doctor's transfixed, the puppies are going arfy-arf.

They lock the doors. They say, “Go to the bathroom on these are expensive rugs or something.” They Queen's very calm. She says, “I'm prepared.” Then, somebody says something to her, she goes, “A direct form of address is Your Majesty.” Then, the doctor, Rose and the crew, like, the Queen and the dude, Jimmy Torchwood, they're working on a plan. The puppies are everywhere. The doctor's still transfixed.

Then, there's a bunch of action scenes. Action, on top of action, on top of action. Then, we see the monks again. They're in their orange outfits, and the doctor's like, he tries to warn somebody about it being puppies in the tarps. He says, “You can't camp on those tarps, they're covered with space puppy pee.” Puppy looks for something. Then, the Queen grabs her a box, because she had this box, what I thought was the crown jewels that she locked up. Say, “What is happening?” Then, the Queen lies. I don't know what that was about.

Then, they're surrounded by the monks, want them to camp outside on the tarps. The Queen's in denial about the puppies. Then, the doctor says, “Let's go jogging around the estate,” so they're jogging around the estate. There's chanting music. Then, the dude, Jimmy Torchwood says, “It'll buy you some time,” or somebody says that.

Then, Rose is transfixed. Then, they go in a room with a suit of armor, and they're trying to come up with a plan. Ends up that's the library, which I just saw the second Jurassic World. This scene really reminded me of it. Said, “What is with the waiting here? What are we waiting for? Even the doctor doesn't know.”

Then, him and Rose hug to break the tension. Jimmy Torchwood apologizes. This bald, athletic … Rose is still clowning around, the Queen is not happy. “This is not my world,” she says. Then, the doctor starts to put things together. He says, “There's some mistletoe here. There's mistletoe oil in the wood.” He goes, “There's something with this mistletoe. It's got some power, or maybe it's how they train the puppies only to pee on mistletoe.” He goes, “Yeah.”

He goes, “No, no, not to pee on mistle …” He goes, “The puppies will go away from mistletoe to go potty.” The doctor says, “Your father had all the brains. We're in a library of books. The greatest puppy training tools in the world,” and he puts his reading glasses on, which I thought was cool. Then, they're all calling the Queen, “mum.” I had to look that up. “Mum” or “mom.”

Technicality? What is that word there? Let's see what it says. Because, the Queen grills the doctor here. Let's see. What are descriptions? My father didn't treat it as a story. Explain yourself. As you run around. Also, the wife of Jimmy Torchwood is like, she's thinking fast with the mistletoe.

Oh yeah, so doctor finds a wood cutting book about mistletoe, and they say, “Wait a second. Here's a story that these puppies and the tarps came in on a comet together.” Let's see. Doctor carving some wood. There's the chopping in the middle. Mistletoe. Yeah, they're doing research. Everyone's talking at once until the doctor finds the wood cutting, like a picture in a book, woodcutting. These puppies from space. Also seems very steampunk.

Then, the Queen has this big diamond, which I think came up earlier. Oh no, she says, “Hey, keep an eye on this diamond for me. If I'm going to have to go out and camp with puppies, I don't want them to get puppy stuff on this diamond.” The [inaudible 00:32:22]. I don't know, I didn't have a chance to look this up. I forgot. She goes, “Seems to not, good luck.” Doctor goes, “Tell me you'll take a look at it.” They say, “It's worth the wages of the entire planet for a whole week.” Rose is like, “Can you imagine my mom? She'd take this thing and run.”

Doctor's, “Why do you carry it?” She says, “Oh, I'm taking it to the royal jewelers at [Hazelhead 00:32:49] to get recut.” Rose goes, “It's perfect.” She goes, “Well, Prince Albert was always trying to shape it.” Doctor says, “He reduced it by 40%.” She goes, “Yeah, he never thought the shine was right. It was still unfinished.”

Doctor is, “Wait a second, unfinished? Unfinished business. Like, business in this house.” He goes, “Prince Albert and Johnny Torchwood were working on a plan. This is a perfect diamond for the perfect moment. This whole thing was to catch the puppies in the tarps, and teach the puppies where to go potty.” He goes, “This is to purify the tarps so you can camp outside.”

The Queen's mind is blown. Then, all of the sudden the puppies get in the room, and everyone's like, “Wait, wait. If you're not covered in mistletoe, you're going to get peed on.” Then, the wife of Jimmy Torchwood, I don't know, she throws mistletoe so they can jump over it. Like, mistletoe water, and then they'll run into the room with the observatory trying to get up there.

Why travel not separate at all? Doctor's, “Oh, yes.” The shine wasn't what? “Not separate at all. This is all part of a plan. I need time. The diamond.” He started, the doctor says, “Rose, help me crank this telescope.” She goes, “What are you, stargazing?” He goes, “No, no, this isn't a telescope. It's a moon magnifier. Got to lock this thing on the moon so it cleans the tarps with moon power.”

They do that, they go right into moon cleaning mode. Yeah, the puppies, they start to sense. It also makes them just sit down, because I guess they can't smell the puppy stuff on the tarps. Oh, there's even school, like, iron moon shape on the thing. Very cool.

They catch their breath for a minute, the Queen gets kissed by, and licked by puppies, which she doesn't like, of course, because she's a queen. You know, so they have improperly invaded. There's a cool shot of the valley. Let's see. This is, like, after, so everything's South, basically, because they use the telescope …

I think I already said, it shoots the moon stuff, instant cleaning. You know, you just need a hundred carat royal diamond to do that. Yeah, so then they see the Queen is knighting the doctor, and Rose, Sir Doctor of Tardis, and Dame Rose of the [Powell 00:35:59] Estate. Doctor's, “Many thank, mum.” Rose says, “Thanks. No one's going to believe this.” The doctor goes, “You know, your husband pulled this off.”

She goes, “Yeah, but I'm not amused,” which Rose is happy, “And now you're banished, doctor. Exiled from this empire never to return. I don't know what you are. Either one of you, but you consort with stars and magic and think it's fun, but it's not. It's a reverse of that.” She goes, “I won't allow it on these shores. I hope you reflect on how far you two have strayed. Leave my world, and don't come back.”

Doctor's like, “What? I'm sorry, but I didn't hear you.” I'm sorry, like, what are you saying, you're kicking us out? You just made me a knight, or whatever, or OBE. WTF, the way that Rose, and then the doctor and Rose are walking and talking through the hills after they get off the carts. It could be blarney, because they say, “What if those puppy kisses made the Queen not let any descendants have puppies?” Then, Rose makes a joke about Princess Anne. They go, “I wonder if they're ever going to have puppies.” They say, “Well, maybe,” and they have lots of laughs about that for some reason.

Then, it cuts back to the manor, because one of the other Torchwood, like, he had to go to the moon, actually, to help reflect it, so he's staying on the moon in the sky. His wife says, “I'm going to sell this place. I don't want to stay here, you know, or pull it down.” The Queen goes, “Let's keep this on the low down. Your husband and the ingenuity of his father will live on.”

She goes, “Realize, Great Britain, there's going to be a show called the X Files, and we need our own X Files here. We're going to call it Torchwood; the Torchwood Institute. If the doctor should return, Torchwood will be waiting.” Basically, I won't forget this, to stop the doctor, I guess. That's how the episode comes to a close.

Let's start with some vocabulary words. Polymath, according to Wikipedia, having learned much. A universal person whose expertise spans a significant number of subject areas, known to draw on complex bodies of knowledge just to solve specific problems. da Vinci or Galileo are two examples. Especially in the renaissance, and the enlightenment. Battista is another one, or maybe that's someone who's talking about it, so you know, also there's another word for it; know-it-all, that's made famous, and I'm just kidding.

[Splainer 00:39:29], [polysplainer 00:39:29]. What about Timorous, which timorous, T-I-M something. I don't know. It's, you know somebody that's worried, running around. Timid, aka, James Joyce used it in Ulysses. George Orwell used it in Burmese Days. This is all according to Wikipedia's dictionary, basically.

What is a Lord Provost? I had to look that up. I mean, I figured it was some sort of protector. It's a lord-lieutenant of one of the principal cities of Scotland. Gaelic, a mayor. Only Aberdeen, Dundee, Edinburgh, and Glasgow have a Lord Provost. Perth also calls it civil leader Lord Provost. It could be, it's a higher status than a Lord Mayor, so I don't know. Maybe that other dude was the Lord Provost. Yeah, doctor just put on his glasses again on the replay.

Yeah, Balmoral Castle. I'd like to check this out. It's the largest state house in the Aberdeen shire of Scotland. It's the residence for the members of the British Royal Family … One of them. When it was first by Prince Albert in 1852 … Let's see. It remains the private property of the Royal Family, and not of the Crown Estate.

When they first bought it, they said, “The house is too small. Let's build a castle. William Smith of Aberdeen did the architecture. Prince Albert amended the designs. Prince Albert sounds like a polymath. It says Scottish Baronial Architecture. It's a category A listed building. I wonder if you can go on tours. Maybe it's actually in use. You know, they hung there.

King Robert. Oh, this is a history of the area. Visit in 1842, Queen Victoria and Prince Albert. They said, you know, “Let's buy this place. We'll come out here in the country and kick it. Look up with a telescope, and then one day it'll be like the X Files.” It's built from granite quarried at the Invergelder on the estate. It consists of two main blocks, each arranged around a courtyard. Southwestern block has the main rooms. The Northeastern, service wings. It's got an 80-foot clock tower, topped with turrets, with a balustrade similar to Castle Fraser. Yeah, it really does look beautiful.

Victoria, after Albert went to the big farm she hung there, staying as long as four months during the Summer and Autumn, so it's pretty cool to know. Visit it if you can. Hey, give me an invite. I don't know if anybody remembers this, but at some point this monk chanting, listening to monk's chant, and sometimes with music, became a big thing in the '90s. It was a fad, something like, “Hey, if you listen to monks chant, it's great.” Particularly Gregorian chants.

The album that broke big was called Chant. It was a album of Gregorian chant by The Benedictine Monks of Santo Domingo de Silos in Spain. It was recorded perhaps as early as the '70s. It was re-released in '94 by Angel Records or something. You know, strongly marketed as an antidote. I'm going to listen to this tonight, or stress. It's the best-selling album of Gregorian chant ever released. That's why we're talking about it. Went as high as number three, double-platinum, two million copies in the US. Worldwide, six million.

Now, here's the thing. They've been doing this since the 11th Century, Monks of Santo Domingo de Silos. They did take a break in the 1830s, when there was disagreements. The style of singing is influenced. Let's see. May be getting a little confused here. Oh, they even had Chant Noel, and Chant Two, and then Chant Three.

You know, again, look this up on Spotify while we're here, you know? Yeah, you know what? I don't see it there, so I might have to look everywhere you can get it. Yeah, that was the thing. Back in the '90s. We were wild back then.

What about Ian Dury and the Blockheads? Doctor's a big fan. Ian Dury, which I'm probably pronouncing it wrong, it was a English singer/songwriter, rose to fame in the '70s during punk and new wave. He was born in Middlesex, and then grew up in, or pretended he was from Essex. His father was a bus driver, and a boxer. His mother was a health visitor, and daughter of a Cornish doctor. He trained with Rolls-Royce to be a chauffer, and was absent, so let's see.

His father chauffeured for a millionaire. Maybe that was his dad was a chauffeur. Let's see. He was a kid. You know. He was in Kilburn and the High Roads. The reference to road in North West London, and he formed this band in '71. Dury was vocalist and lyricist, Russell Hardy, and some other students were in the band. Then, he was in the Blockheads under the management of Andrew King and Peter Jenner, the managers of Pink Floyd. They were one of the top acts of new wave.

The lyrical ode to wordplay. I may have to listen to some of this. Diverse musical influences including jazz, rock and roll, funk, reggae, and music hall. Let's see, guitarist Chaz Jankel. Jankel took Dury's lyrics. Yeah, they formed a band. Even though some of their music got banned by the BBC, let's see … They split up. You know, obviously split up and got back together, because they're a punk/new wave band. All the way into the '90s. Then, they broke up again in '92. Then, played in Europe and Ireland in mid-90s. Then, you know, stuff happened. Let's see.

Yeah, it sounds like something you should definitely check out. Now, what about Top Rank? That's where they were supposed to go, was the Top Rank. Is that a real place too? Top rank in Sheffield. According to Sheffield history, that's co.uk, if it loads here. Taking a little bit. You know, we'll see. Will the history load? It will load. The history of Sheffield. It will. This is forums. I see a picture of Top Rank, Sheffield City Center.

Buzzcocks played there, Sunday, October 21st, two pounds, two-fifty at the door. Joy Division. Buzzcocks plus Joy Division. Simple Minds, The Police. These are people saying what shows they went to there. The Clash, [inaudible 00:48:49], The Jam, Joe Cocker. Let's see, Horslips, Magazine, Siouxsie and the Banshees. Oh, the Darned, Bow Wow Wow, The Fall. Let's see what else. We got Simple minds, someone said already. Yeah. Let's see who else we have in here.

Buzzcocks we saw. Yeah, Police, The Cramps, Sting. It's just reference to a Police show, though. Yeah, it sounds like a cool place people got to check out. Here's some other ones. Oh, Human League, Bauhaus. I can't say that either. Ramones, Undertones, Devo. So, everything. All these. Let's see if there's any other ads here. This is just the sheffield.co.history, or Sheffield history … What do you call this, forums?

Yeah, what about the Muppet movie? I know I've seen the Muppet Movie. It's been a while. I mean, the original. It was a 1979 musical road comedy film. First theatrical film starring the Muppets. Directed by James Frawley and produced by Jim Henson. Screenplay was conceived by Muppet Show writers Jerry Juhl and Jack Burns. It was a co-venture of American and British, Henson Associates and ITC Entertainment.

The second half of the Muppet Shows, third season depicts, it was a bridge between the first half and the second half, where he sets out to go to Hollywood; Kermit does. Encounters several Muppets who all share the same ambition of finding success in show business while dealing with a restaurateur who wants Kermit to be his spokesperson.

It had Steve Martin, Mel Brooks, James Coburn, Dom DeLuise, Austin Pendleton, Charles Durning, Edgar Bergen. It was surreal humor, meta-references and cameos. It won two Academy Awards nominations for the musical score, and the song, Rainbow Connection. In 2009, it was deemed a culturally historical, aesthetically significant and selected for preservation in the National Film Registry.

Yeah, I'll have to see this one. It sounds a bit like Blues Brothers, you know? I have to check it out and watch it with my daughter. Yeah, it sounds like a fun little film. Yeah, that's the Muppet Movie. Let's see how long it is and stuff. 97 minutes. 95 minutes, US version. Its budget was eight million, it brought in 70 million, so very successful.

What about Skylab? That was something I read about as a kid, I never even believed it. It was a United States space station, launched and operated by NASA for 24 weeks, between '73 and '74. In '79 it came back to Earth. Yeah, it got worldwide media attention. It had a workshop, solar observatory, and people lived at it. I mean, I remember reading about it, and I said, “What a ripoff?” I didn't get to be around when it got lifted by a Saturn V rocket, and low Earth orbit, and in three missions it's delivered three astronaut crews there.

Final two missions was, I think there was even movies about this. It ran into a bump, and they said, “Hey, can we fix this?” It needed shades, jammed solar panels. It had a telescope mount, a spectral solar observatory. I mean, this thing seems super-advanced. This is when you're like, “What are we doing now?” You know? Record time for human in orbit was extended beyond 23 days, set by Soyuz crew by the Skylab IV crew. Yeah, just a cool thing. Yeah, I'm trying to think. It's all on Wikipedia. You can check it out.

One last thing I know about this was calling the Queen “mum” and “mom.” This is at forum.wordreference.com. Somebody says, “I watched the movie, The Queen, and they say queen, “mum” or “ma'am.” Mother or madame, which is short for … I believe it's ma'am for madame. You're supposed to address her as Her Majesty for the rest of the conversation, ma'am is standard. Is there a line in the movie about the pronunciations? Something like, ma'am rhymes with ham. Not, mom, fahm. Yeah, what's the accurate mention where they said it was ma'am with ham? I find it strange, though. In my family, ma'am is used for mother. Now, I'll try to register it. Never say mahm, marm, marm. I don't know. I guess it didn't answer any questions for me.

This is from telegraph.co.uk. This is called, How To Keep Up With Windsors, from 2011. Back in the day, Christopher Middleton wrote this article. I have motions up, the revelation that the soon-to-be groom, Mike Tindall, is only ever to address the Princess Royal, his fiancee's mother as ma'am. In one hand, the mother-in-laws all over the country will be secretly wishing that they too might receive a similar deference from new arrivals in the family.

On the other hand, they'll be wondering how they would feel if they had to address the mother of their son or daughter's spouse by her title rather than her name. The words, who do they think she is royally might not be far from their lips. Let's see. At the same time, Ma’amgate disclosures will set the rest of the countries contemplating, once again, what's it like to marry into the family where the p's and q's have to be watched around the clock, and the house?

“It has to be a rough one,” said the author of The King, The Ring and the Crown, Sarah Gristwood. For example, when the Queen Mother was marrying the family … I mean, this, we went through it again recently. Previous entries it wasn't a problem, because the spouses were usually also royal, if from other countries. Since the royals have started marrying within this country, that no longer applies. It's not just the wedding itself. No one expected the Middletons to book Westminster Abbey, hire a few hundred horse guards and close down the center of London.

At Christmas, it's going to be one year it's going to be one year at Sandringham, and the next hugger-mugger at the Middleton's place. Imagine that. Just as the parents of Sparta used to give up their sons, so do Caroline and Michael Middleton have handed their daughter to royalty. Not that they will have been informed about this officially. Practically all outsiders who have married into the royal family, Diana Spencer, Sarah Ferguson, they'll all ended up floundering in Windsor soup, complaining on no formal instructions on royal procedure.

This might be an ongoing thing. I was thinking someone might have some tips in here. Yeah, but in short it seems to be the golden rule in enjoying a royal family. If in doubt, do nothing. Yeah, and I hope you're royally tucked in there. Let me tuck you in a little bit more, and goodnight.