Episode 1393 – Buttery Soft Red Spandex (with Elasticene) | Get Besos in the Sky PI 16
[START OF RECORDING]
SCOOTER: Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s time for the podcaster who’s just here to keep you…to hang out for your benefit, keep you company, take your mind off of stuff, barely be interesting. I’m just here to talk for your benefit. You don’t need to listen to me and you don’t need to understand, 'cause I try to understand. You're having trouble falling asleep; that’s why you're here, or you're having trouble in the deep, dark night or the daytime getting the rest you need, you deserve, you really want, and however that impacts you or whatever that looks like for you, I’m trying…I’m here to try to help, 'cause I understand what it’s like for me. So, welcome to the show if you're new, and welcome back to all you regular listeners or people that come back from time to time. Good to see you, and all you, too.
No, no, you; I’m talking to you, but there’s other people listening as well, believe it or not. But yeah, we share a thing in the deep, dark night. So, I’m glad you’re here. What we got coming up is support so that paying for the show is optional, then a long, meandering intro meant to ease you into bedtime, and then it’ll be our episodically modular bedtime story, and all told, we’ll be here about an hour. If you're new, just give the show a couple tries. You got nothing to lose. I’ll even have other options for you later on. But I’m really glad you're here, and this show is here for your help. But if you're a regular listener, the show makes your life better on a regular basis, we could also use your help, but not most people’s help; just your help if you're a regular listener, and these are the ways you could keep the podcast here so that you could keep listening to it and everybody else. Thanks.
INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place if…where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether that’s thoughts on your mind, things you're thinking about, thoughts about the past, the present, the future; so, thinking thoughts, right, feelings, anything coming up for you, any…what did I say? Feelings, right? Did I say something else? My brain blanked on me.
But it could be feelings related to those thoughts, left over from the day about something coming up, feelings that are there making an appearance, feelings about forgetting an intro that you've done 1,400 times, it could also be physical sensations, changes in time, temperature, routine, you could be going through something, getting over something, in the middle of something, maybe your work schedule’s just different than most people’s or it’s changed, maybe you're traveling, maybe you have guests, or maybe it’s something else, something really tough, or it could just be something…I mean, it could be something exciting.
Whatever it is, I’m here to try to help you out, and the way I do that is a bit different, but the reason…most people…and especially if you're new…and understandably, you say, why would you talk about the stuff that’s keeping me awake at the beginning of a podcast meant to put me to sleep? I say, yeah, we do things a little bit different around here, and you're right, we did weigh…we’ve weighed that many different times over the years and taken a lot of feedback. The reason we talk about it is because what’s more powerful than the reasons is what we share together…and I guess in a counter-cultural way, 'cause we're all over the world; you're listening and I’m here making the show, and the people that work on the show are actually scattered around the world, and we all share something in the deep, dark night, and some of it is relatable.
All the trouble I’ve had with sleep throughout my life, how it feels for me makes me want to help you out, and maybe we can relate to some of those feelings, or maybe you're going through something that’s pretty unique and you're like, nope, you cannot relate to this. I say, well, the good news is there’s someone else listening somewhere in the world who really can strongly relate to how you feel, to what you're dealing with, even if it’s not the same thing. I know this sounds wild; they care. They are rooting for you. They are welcoming you to this show and they're hoping this podcast can help you out like it helped them, 'cause they're like, oh, I know what that’s like. Wow. I really hope the show can help you. I didn’t expect it to help me, but it has…because that’s tough and you deserve a good rest.
You deserve the rest you need for tomorrow and the next day and the day after that, so you could live your life, so your life could be manageable, but so you could get the rest you need on a regular basis so you could be flourishing in the world. That’s another thing we all share. Maybe…I can't share it for myself, right, but I can share it for you. Sometimes when I want myself to be flourishing, my…other parts of my brain might get in the way or whatever. But we can do that for you and you can do that for other listeners if you choose. There’s a lot of people that are just passively listening, but there’s also these listeners — especially during the intro — that are out there rooting for each other or being rooted for when you need it.
How nice is that, that you have hundreds of thousands of people rooting for you right now, some people that can totally relate maybe not 100% but in the ninety percent to what you're dealing with? I don't know, that’s special to me and that’s what I didn’t know I needed in the deep, dark night, what I learned through the show, that there’s kindness out there in the world, and it’s indirect in this case. Wow, isn't that reassuring on some level, that that’s really out there? There’s really people that don’t know you that are rooting for you. Also, rooting for you…not anything major…that your bedtime’s a little bit nicer and that maybe you get the rest you need. So, that’s why I go through that. The way the show works is I send my voice across the deep, dark night.
I use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, and superfluous tangents. I go off topic, I get mixed up, I forget what I was talking about, then I repeat myself, then I go back. I use a lot of filler words, there’s a lot of empty space, a lot of whatever…I guess those are…those aren't filler words; they're filler sounds. They're natural, I guess, or a pathway that’s well worn. All this is different, right? ‘Cause if you get here…when you first get here, you're probably skeptical, you're probably doubtful, you're probably like, how could this podcast ever help me out, right? I thought this was gonna be sleepy. I thought this was a bedtime story show, but you're just going on and on. Yeah, I mean, you don’t even have…your voice is okay, but it’s not the voice I imagined I would get.
I say, that’s a normal way to arrive here. I’m glad you're skeptical. I’m glad you're doubtful or frustrated, because that’s a healthy way to approach stuff like this, right? And why wouldn't you be? If you're like me and you've tried tons of other stuff, you've took a ton of advice from other people, you've spent a lot of money on sleep stuff, why wouldn't you be skeptical or doubtful? You get here, and I’m a little bit of a goofball that’s indirect. So, that’s how most people get to the show. So, most people that are superfans of the show, support the show on Sleep With Me+, it took two or three tries for them to get used to the show, and that’s their words, not my words. But it is a common thread; ninety percent of people, maybe higher, that I hear from and that I say, hey, why do you support the show?
Why would you pay for a free podcast that makes your life better? They say, well, it’s a funny story. And…‘cause…so, when you first get here, you're skeptical, you're doubtful, then you're like, what is going on? But on the second or third try, if the show works — and that could be the second or third try over years — you say, oh, now I get it. He’s serious and un-serious at the same time. Oh, okay. That was all part of it. I didn’t realize that at the time. So, expectations…you got expectations. I get it. So, just kinda see how it goes. Then, what else do you need to know?
Oh, if you never like the show, like you give it two or three tries and it doesn't work out, or you're already like, no, I don't like you already, we have a website set up, sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou, where you could check out other sleepy stuff, right? Where…that’s other sleep podcasts, other sleepy stuff, a place…if you really, strongly dislike me, a place to get that off your chest. It’s just a couple clicks, and then you could find something that works for you, 'cause everything I said up to this point is true whether you like me or not, whether the show helps you or not. But I do hope it does, and that kinda maybe gives you the freedom to try it out and see how it goes, because this is a podcast you don’t really listen to, and that takes some adjusting.
It’s a podcast that’s kinda like background noise that you could pay attention to, like a TV on in the other room, something streaming under your pillow or, I don't know, sand passing through your hands, a out-of-focus picture, looking at clouds, bird sounds you kinda…you don’t know if the…you know, you've had that experience before, right, where you're like, huh, the bird’s been making that noise the whole time. If you're in the right mood, it’s not bad. Then maybe you tune it out and then you say, are the birds still singing or whatever they're doing; talking? I don't know. What are you guys talking about? They say, you wouldn't get it, man. I say, really? Okay. Yeah, I guess I wouldn't. Here’s something…it doesn't work, but I tried that, like whatever that is, reverse psychology on birds.
I would have thought…'cause they spent so much time excluding me. I say, please, just tell me what you're talking about. They said, no. So, then I tried that. It hasn’t worked yet, but I’m pretty confident it will. I say, oh no, I wasn’t talking to you. That’s…this is the strategy this week. So, it’s kinda reverse psychology…I say, oh, I’m sorry, I wasn’t talking to you. I was…oh no, I was talking to another be…no…oh, sorry. No, no thanks. Oh, I didn’t hear you singing; I was too busy…I was too caught up in my own…yeah, I was too caught up in my own thoughts. So, sorry about that. It’s a pseudo-honest approach. Pseudo-honest is a reverse…it’s a patented…it’s not patented yet, 'cause then if it works, they say, well, what am I gonna do with that? You'd say…the bird just kept saying ‘branch’ over and over again.
That’s what…somebody came…a version of me came from the future and said, please don’t spend your time on this. I’m from one of your alternative futures. Alls they're saying is ‘branch’ or ‘over there’ or ‘I like you, I like you, I like you’. Then the other says, I’m dating somebody else. I’m with another bird; ‘in a relationship, in a relationship’. Hey, do you want to fly together for fun only? Sure. Let’s go. Look at that human, look at that human. That’s all they're saying. That’s…it was another timeline, I hope. ‘Cause I said, well…I didn’t listen. I said…it didn’t try that new approach I’m trying. So, I said, oh, it’s all gonna work out. What was I saying? Oh, just barely listen to me, just like the birds. Even when I’m trying to get their attention…I say, oh, no, no, I was tweeting. I wasn’t speaking bird.
Wait, was that good? Because…was that finch or not? ‘Cause…oh, I wasn’t speaking finch, but was that good finch? Oh, okay. Yeah, no, no, I wasn’t talking finch; I was talking…it’s maybe a new podcast I could pitch Scott and Scott or Adam and Auckerman. You talk…you've…are you…? I guess it would have an F in there. Finching me…? Are you…? Say, no, bird, I’m not…I don't have a bird pod…I’m not. I’m actually…well, I was speaking. The honest truth? Yeah, I was trying to get your attention. I thought we’d connect. I mean, I can't connect with humans, so…what was my point here? Just don’t…just see how it goes. I’m a podcast you just barely listen to. But I’m a sleep podcast, and there’s no pressure to fall asleep.
I’m here to keep you company and take your mind off of stuff versus putting you to sleep, which is different. There’s people listening who can't sleep at all or who need a break during the day, so I’m not here to put you to sleep. I’m here to keep you company, to be your bore-friend, your bore-bae, your bore-sib, your neigh-bore, your bore-bie, your bores, your boreman, your Boris Borlaf, your best bore-friend f’eva, to just be here while you fall asleep versus putting you to sleep, which is a bit different, but it’s kinda like a friend hanging out for your benefit. So, kinda just see how it goes, right, and we’ll go from there. What else do you need to know?
Oh, the structure of the show definitely throws people off, and we’ve built the show in a way that it can benefit the most amount of people it can, and even though it’s…podcasts are kinda flexible. This show…if you become a regular listener, you could kinda see what your preferences are and adjust. But most people that don’t…the structure of the show is just…it’s for your benefit and you could adjust it. But I want to meet you where you are. So, the show starts off with a greeting; friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and you feel seen…so you feel seen and welcomed in. You say, oh, okay, I could check that show out.
Then there’s support so that paying for the show is optional, 'cause there’s only a small percentage of people that are really intense super-listeners that listen every…like five nights a week or listen all night long or fall asleep fast. So, for the occasional listeners, the new listeners, or the people that just choose, hey, I’d rather have a free version of the show, that’s what the ad-supported, listener-supported version’s for. ‘Cause otherwise, less people would get a benefit out of it if you had to pay for the show. But we do count on the people that benefit the most to pay for the show so everybody benefits. So, that’s what the support and the requests for listener support are. If you don’t want to hear that stuff, you could get that on Sleep With Me+ or for free for…through our referral program.
But most people are fine with that, especially, again, the occasional listeners, the new listeners, the people in the situations…the people that are like, no, I’m not gonna support the show; I’m fine listening to those things. Then after the support is a long, meandering intro meant to ease you into bedtime. It’s not so much here to put you to sleep. I get it; some people fall asleep fast. We prefer that they support the show directly, but for most people, the intro is a familiar structure for a regular listener, but every intro is new. So, me talking about the birds earlier, that was…I don't know where that came from, but me talking to birds comes up every hundred or two hundred, three hundred episodes. But the intro’s different every time 'cause whatever keeps me awake, it needs something new, a new distraction.
It can't handle repetition. But at the same time, it does like a familiar routine and reassurance. So, that’s why the intro’s new every time but it follows a familiar structure every time. The reason it’s twenty…around twenty minutes, though, is to give you time to ease you into bedtime, to give you time to get ready for bed, to give you time to wind down or do a chill activity or be in bed getting comfortable. So, the intro is something we’ve built over the years based on feedback and based on my personal experience and what I read about sleep. Having a wind-down routine works for most people, or for me personally, most of the time; not all the time, and it’s nice to have something to look forward to at bedtime, something that’s kinda like this indirect community hang time where everybody’s kind of in a little bit different place.
Like, you're in the place you're in now, but you could try out some of this other stuff, too. So, that’s what the intro is. If you prefer something without intros, there’s a ad-supported, listener-supported podcast out there free in podcast apps called Bedtime Stories from Sleep With Me that you could check out, too. Then after that support…after the intro is support, and then it’ll be our bedtime story. Tonight it’ll be our episodically modular series, Get Besos Big Farm in the Sky PI. All told, we’ll be here about an hour. I love making the show. I work really hard. I yearn and I strive. I really hope I can help you fall asleep. Thanks again for coming by, and again, if this show is a regular part of your routine and it regularly makes your life better, we really could use your help. These are the ways you could do it so we’re here for you and everybody else. Thanks and goodnight.
Alright everybody, it’s time for our episodically modular series, Get Besos Big Farm in the Sky PI. A long title. It’s a…episodically modular means this is a series with recurring characters you could listen to in any order. The main characters will catch you up on everything you mix…mixed or missed, and…hopefully most of it 'cause, yeah, I’m not exactly sure…hopefully the characters will help catch me up on some of it. But yeah, this is Episode 16, I believe. So, you could listen to Episodes 1 through 15 as prequels if this is your first episode. If you're a completist, you could fall asleep to this and then listen tomorrow when you need a break during the day or if you gotta do some coding or if you want to look out the window for a while and listen to something in the background. That’s what we mean by episodically modular.
It does have a touch of seriality. Yeah, I think that’s it. Yeah, and…just buying some time for our Hollywood announcer. It’s alright; he’s…he hasn’t been here since…I’m moving. This is gonna be his last…wow, I didn’t realize this was a moment. I was wondering why he was so misty-eyed. But this will be his last time recording…well, no, not totally true. There’s a chance we could record again here. Probably won't, though, 'cause I don't think I could get another episode written in time, but you never know. But normally, including today, this…he drives all the way from the Greater Los Angeles Area for the love of listeners and sleep, to just be here to take your mind off of stuff. So, without further ado, I’d like to introduce Mr. Antonio Banderas. Ah, it’s bittersweet, I guess.
The friends beyond the binary, the ladies, the gentlemen, the boys, the girls, it’s time. This won't be my last apperance; don't worry, but I am misty-eyed. What better time to get misty-eyed than bedtime when things get misty in this tale, Get Besos. Yeah, goodnight. Wow, that was great, Antonio. Thanks so much for being here and being a part of the show and for making…I think that’s maybe a binding contract, too, 'cause we do have it recorded. Two means of recording I have…so, I guess that’s probably legally binding, that you'll be permanently a part of the show. He’s laughing. Luckily he’s doing it silently, but it makes me feel ticklish when he laughs silently. Oh, geez, you noticed that? Wow. He’s so cute, man. He’s like…he’s quietly…he’s knee-clapping or whatever when you laugh like that. So, that’s Antonio Banderas and this is Get Besos Big Farm in the Sky.
Buddy, buddy, buddy, this is a lot of chaos here. Excuse me. Yes, yes, yes, you. Yes, sir? Yeah, there’s a lot of chaos here. Yeah, there’s…we were waiting for you, and then…we’ve gotta get going. Okay. Well, it’s good you're…you've been waiting. Maybe you need to wait around with a little bit less chaos and running around, because it seems like there’s a lot of…James and I are now here. You don’t need to worry anymore. Oh, okay, we’ll try not to. Oh, hey, Richie…excuse me, could you just fill us in on why there’s so much chaos? It seems like you have…I don't know, is that some sort of tablet? Oh, it is a tablet, yes. I can catch you up on everything. The reason…we were waiting for your arrival, and then we have one more arrival coming in.
I wanted to ask you…so, we can't end this conference without the gratitude ceremony. The conference cannot end and be closed…and it has to be closed because we have the keys to the afterlife. I don't know, it’s kinda complicated, but we have the cross…this cross-realms gathering where everybody that runs…and we kinda put everything on hold. Even though they're both real and symbolic, you can't access the keys to the afterlife until…see the cornucopia up there that’s…? Yeah, I see the cornucopia. Okay, so, you'll do the gratitude ceremony, and it’ll fill up. We're all gonna go through the portal before our last arrival, and you can run the gratitude ceremony. It’s pretty straightforward; you just take turns saying what you're grateful for. It has to be real, but it could be cursory.
Then the cornucopia will fill up with beautiful colors and things, and then it’ll release the keys to the afterlife. You just turn them over to the next arrival. They're gonna run the show. Or let them know; they’ll come out of the end of the cornucopia. Which end of the corn…? The horn part or the ear part? The small part, yeah, the small part. They’ll just fall out of that hole there. Then you two…I think the arrivals are gonna want to speak with you two, anyway. They may have some plans for you, or they may have some plans for you. Okay, but we just got here. What did we miss? Oh, okay. So, yeah, you don’t know? No, we came as soon as we could. We’ve been looking for Jiff. Oh, well, Jiff went through the portal. So, we're gonna shut the portal, though.
But once you have the keys…no one will be able to leave once the gratitude ceremony starts, but we're not gonna let it start ‘til we leave. Jiff’s in Florida and there’s a lot going on. I don't know if you saw the other signs. So, there’s a bunch of disruptions. That’s why we're calling in our last guest and turning things over to them, like all the afterlifes. ‘Cause what happened was we were working with Jiff on this new afterlife inititative, and it turned out that Jiff had ulterior motives. Then there was a vote and there was some trickery with Jiff and with this librarian and this PI who we know worked for you two. So, they were also stirring up trouble. This is what we were trying to…just because the universe is very resilient doesn't mean it’s totally resilient to everything, or resistant.
So, all these changes…we’ve decided to give 100% control to someone instead of giving it to Jiff’s new initiatives, 'cause we found out a couple technicalities. Okay, wait a second, you were gonna turn the afterlifes over to Jiff? Well, yeah. Jiff had a proposal; it seemed like it was gonna benefit everyone, but then we found out that it was mostly gonna benefit Jiff and Jiff’s industries on Earth, actually. Yeah, I could…I mean, why didn’t you call me? I could have told you that. We did try to contact you. Okay, well, I don't remember that. Okay, well, we did try to contact you. So, we're gonna get going. Oh, but you…James, you wanted to know. So, Jiff…they're trick-or-treating in The Towns, the largest active lifestyle…over fifty-five active lifestyle community on the planet Earth. It’s in Florida. They're trick-or-treating there.
I don't know, there’s some sort of rift, though, so it’s…there’s probably a couple layers of the world and a couple afterlives all intersecting there. There’s also a lot of small tears in the continuum of time, space, and existence. But don't worry, we're gonna have it all wrapped right up. But we were gonna go trick-or-treating and we just don’t want to be here, 'cause we’ll get back to our afterlifes. Yeah. So, did you have any other questions? Okay, so we just gotta do the gratitude ceremony and then give the keys to whoever’s taking over? Exactly. So, we’ll see you all later. Thanks a lot. Bye, bye. Okay, but James, they just took off. What, do we gotta be grateful? Well, we gotta do a gratitude ceremony.
It sounds like somebody else is coming, someone that they're gonna give the keys to all afterlives to, which is…I’m filled with foreboding. Looking back on our journey, this probably is the result of our actions. No, James, it’s not part…how could it be our fault? Well, I mean, we’ve been going from afterlife to afterlife trying to get people out of their contracts. Excuse me, we’ve only…we’ve been rescuing people wrongly, including both of us having…it’s…and I don't know who they're turning things over to, because it just sounds like a terrible idea. They should’ve…they were gonna turn things…it’s like, I guess they couldn't do worse than Jiff. Okay, well, there’s a lot of noise coming, Richie, so it’s like…oh, there…yeah, oh boy. Oh, goodness, gracious. I guess I don't mean that. Yeah, there they are in the red tights.
Oh, hello, gentlemen. Hello. Do you have the keys to the afterlife for me? I’m here to take over. Richie, James. Nice tights. Oh, these aren't tights; these are…they have spandex and elasticene. I think that’s elasticene. I don't know. There’s some other proprietary fabric in here. They're very comfortable. Do you want to touch them? They kinda feel like butter. Wow, they do feel like butter. Yeah, they're very nice, but they still have that red sheen to them. Yeah, and I have this bib on, and it’s very comfortable. So, no chafing at all? There’s nothing…you're not wearing anything under there? Nope, this is all I have on, and it does wick…moisture wick, 'cause you're in warm places a lot of times. It’s a great question, James. It does…it provides warming and cooling, 'cause it’s sometimes in a cool area.
Okay, we don’t need a fashion review here. What are you doing here? I’m taking over. I’m here to get the keys, gentlemen, to the…all the afterlives. I’m running…I’m gonna be running the show from here on out. Okay…keys to the afterlife; never heard of that. They should have left you with the keys. Okay, alls I know is we gotta do this gratitude ceremony in order to shut down this convention. Then they said something, something…oh, ‘keys to the afterlife’ was in there. So, yeah, it’ll be fine. We’ll just do this…who are you again? Richie, please don’t do that.
I’m here to take over, and I’m gonna do a great job, so I don't think there’s any…I mean, I do have some plans for you and James, but…that’s not funny because we already know…we're already…oh, we didn’t know we were in…we could just go back to limbo, though, right? Oh, I’m gonna do away with limbo, so, no, you won't have that option. But don't worry, we could work together. Okay, let’s work together with this gratitude ceremony. It is a technoformacality. What’s a technoformicality? It’s what we have to do to get…in order to get outta here. You see? This cornucopia has to light up. Now, James, could you also…could you be grateful for some things I’m grateful for? I guess so, Richie. Like what? Like a Blanko. At some point could you be thankful for Blanko? Yes, I can. I’m grateful for Blanko. Oh, yeah, see?
There you go. That’s like one piece…what is that, a grape or an orange? I think it’s an orange. Okay, Richie, what are you thankful for? James, I’m thankful that…unfortunately, but I’m still grateful I’m not in first place. Duval? Why don’t you go? Shelley Duvall. My name is not Shelley Duvall, Richie. Okay, but what are you grateful for? I’m grateful for my new opportunity. I’m grateful that…yeah, I’m grateful for my new opportunity. Oh, so there is…this is slowly lighting up this cornucopia. Is that neon gas in there? I don't know, but I’ve always been grateful for neon gas. James Cash here; grateful for neon gas. Richie? Second place. I’m very grateful for second place, yes. Seitan, chewy, chewy…what do you call that? What is that, a pro…a pounded-out protein…vegetable protein texture or something like that?
Could you go ahead with what you're grateful for? I’m thankful for all the unlimited power that is at my behest, nearly unlimted power. Oh, so, yeah, it took nearly…for it to light up for you. Yeah, yeah, I guess I misspoke. I’m a little excited to be taking over. Okay, well, let me see; what else am I thankful…? I’m thankful for second chances. Did I say that already? Could I say that a second time? I’m grateful for second chances. RW? Oh yeah, that’s great, James. I’m thankful for third place, not…that I’m not…I don't think…well, would third place be me or…? Hm. Yeah, anyway, Shelley Duvall…Duvall, seitan…how about you? Okay, I’m tiring of that, Richard. That’s okay. It’s just…I’m being friendly with you. Okay, I’m thankful for fire and brimstone.
It’s gonna be…I don't know if you can smell it, but you will be soon, Richard. You could call me Richie. Buddy, buddy, buddy…James, what are you thankful for? Nafel for helping us and for being a cloud-based being I’m attracted to. James, I can't waste my gratitude on you, but I’m grateful for hearing that. The cornucopia is lighting up. But I’m also grateful for fourth place. I think fourth place would be where I would be. Well, Duvall, me, Moriarty…I don't know. But, yeah, that fourth place. Okay, I’m tiring of this, you giving me a hard time, and what are these places…? How come it’s lighting up for you? You can't just…this feels too cursory. You can't just be thankful for places. But I am. I’m glad I’m not in…I mean, I could have been in fourth place, I think, but it’s not important. I’m just…these are the things I’m grateful for.
Why do I have to explain them to you? Well, I’m just…just 'cause I’m curious; why…if it’s a gratitude ceremony, I should understand what you're grateful for, and I don't. So, this is not…it is bothering me, and I want to know. Oh, okay. Well, what are you grateful for? Red, elasta…whatever, spandex. You're right, it is hard to say, but I am grateful for these active…this activewear, post-earthly activewear that…these were a gift from Jiff. Should I take these pants off? Oh, no, no, no, please do not take those pants…those…just keep the activewear on, please. James, what are you thankful for? Richie, I’m thankful for you and your friendship. Oh, James, I’m so…I am…I’m unofficially thankful for your thankfulness. But yeah, I guess…yeah, I was talking about places. So, we got one, two, three, four.
James, I don't know if I put you in fifth place. Huh. Maybe…but if I had to put someone in fifth place, I’m thankful that I have you to think about for fifth place. Okay, this is almost filled up, but I’m really…can you just explain to me…who has the keys to the afterlife? Keys to the afterlife…I don't know. I think it’ll be…didn’t you have a question about places? I did, but…yeah, yeah. I’m just…why do you keep going on about places? Well, you see…I guess maybe this is…maybe that’s where the keys to the afterlife are. James, did they say they gave the keys to Jiff, like they changed their minds? No, no, no, the keys are going to me. I’m taking over. No, they…you were gonna take…what, did they tell you you're taking over? Yeah, they told me I’m taking over; the council, the Spring Council of Afterlife Affairs.
Oh. When did they tell you that? They told me that and then I arrived. Well…but they weren't here when you arrived. They were already gone. It was instantaneous, but my arrival was delayed. When you put on those pants, huh? Yeah, it’s not just pants; it’s kinda like a jumper. But yeah, it’s a one-piece…it’s very comfortable. It must be the elasticene or whatever it’s called. But…well, I don't know, they didn’t really tell us much. It was very chaotic. Now you could see why, 'cause they didn’t want to be here when you got here. Maybe they thought you were coming without pants, but…yeah, the…'cause the thing about the places…that’s why I was thinking about it and why I’m grateful…I’m grateful I wasn’t in first place.
Jiff was in first place, so I don't know if that makes you second place or third place or…you're saying you're first place, right? What do you mean? I don't understand. This isn't a competition. It’s about a vision for the afterlife, and I’m grateful, by the way, whichever place you're gonna be grateful for, that finally I am being seen as a resource to save things. Finally…oh good, it’s lighting up more, so we can get this over with, and then you can get me the keys or tell me where I can get the keys, and we can get on with this. But finally I’m gonna be…the universe needs me.
Between you two and the nonsense you've been up to…luckily you've never…I mean, you did…there has been times where my…your part of the universe has had to be resilient and reform and more paradise-based versions of the universe that you, Richard Warren, have gotten rid of. What do you mean, with the Horn of Jericho? That’s…that was just part of a plan. Okay, well, I’m grateful that…I’m trying to behave heroically. The word needs me right now, and needs me to take over, and I’ve responded to the call. Yeah, but that’s what I was saying, is that they had this vote…now, we weren't here. We just got here right around the time you got here, and I guess they had this vote where they voted for Jiff’s version of the afterlife.
So, that’s what I was saying, is…let me just lay it on you if you cannot interrupt me, 'cause we're almost done with the gratitude ceremony, and…so…okay, so, let’s just see; if you're right, you would be in first place to run the afterlifes, but I was unaware that they had this vote where they voted for Jiff’s version of the afterlife versus the way they had been doing things. You know, many different versions that…they just have a wholesale-version for you — that’s what you were saying — or Jiff was gonna repurpose everything. I guess he had been doing some beta testing, and…oh boy, I mean, I think we could all agree these are terrible ideas. But if they voted Jiff first, does that make you second? With Jiff…because I know I couldn't be second to Jiff. Maybe you could.
Oh, no, no, don't worry, I have a solution, so don’t worry. Don’t get all steamed up. Keep on your…keep on the comfortable activewear you have on, because…so, let’s just say…okay, let’s agree that you could be grateful that you're taking over. But if Jiff was taking over…I’m just saying nobody wants to be the bearer of bad news to someone that’s full of fire and brimstone and all that. Normally you don’t have those straps, so you're much more imposing when you're totally shirtless. That’s a compliment, by the way. Okay, but let’s just say Jiff…in my…in this version I’m trying to follow through with, right…what I’m grateful for, I was saying I’m grateful that I wouldn't be first. Either Jiff’s first or you're first, apparently. I couldn't be second just because I know myself, right? I just couldn't. I’m not…I couldn't handle being second.
I would think I’d do best as an official advisor. Like, if there was a board overseeing Jiff, maybe I could be the representative. So, that puts me lower down the line, right? So, the first and second…I don't know, would you work well under Jiff or not? You don’t seem to be…so, it’s a either/or thing. Either one of you is first. So, I’m just saying I would be like, fourth, and maybe James would be fifth or something, ‘cause maybe there’s…is there a order…? Whatever; they say, okay, well, we're gonna need you to take over now. Jiff got Horn-of-Jericho’d right outta there. I mean, I may know where a Horn of Jericho is; I may not. I may not remember. Maybe I was banned from using those. But…okay, so, I could see you're losing patience with me.
You did ask why I was talking about first place, second place, third place, fourth place, fifth place, and you may be counting correct that there’s only…okay, so there’s James who…I mean, James could be fifth place, I guess. I mean, who else would we have? I mean, well, maybe a lot of other qualified people that were at the conference. But in my heart James would be in fifth place, at least, and what I’m grateful for. That would put me maybe in fourth place if there was…I mean, you know, unofficially I would…what do they call that when the person…? That’s, I think, in one of the US democracy…it’s like, technically you're fourth, but you're really second, and really, you're first. But I don't know if they have that. They probably should.
But then I was thinking…Moriarty is the reason I was thinking…that’s what…'cause you might be thinking to yourself, okay, they got Jiff, we got Shelley Duvall. I say John Duvall. We don't like that name, but…I mean, how could you not like Shelley Duvall? How about Shelley Winters? Oh, that doesn't…sorry, I’ve gotten Shelley Duvall mixed up with you. Do you like…? It’s…textured vegetable protein I think is what it is. James ate it one time in a salad and he said it was very chewy. But it’s nutrient-dense. With all your time in the middle of the Earth, I’m sure you're very nutrient-dense yourself. Who’s this…what do you mean about Moriarty? What does Moriarty have anything to do with any of this? What, are you gonna bring up Jean Valjean next? Why would we bring up Jean Valjean?
I don't have any what he has to do with any of this discussion. Didn’t you…? Oh, no, no, no, we didn’t rescue Jean Valjean. I pretended I was Jean Valjean’s mother for a little while, or James did or something, because we had to…what, have you been keeping an eye on us? I’ve been accumulating demerits for the two of you, yes. Okay, well, that’s just…I mean…keeping tabs on us. Yeah, I mean, you're responsible for de-existing multiple post-earthly existences. You're the top of the list of ‘Keep these two out of control’, and you snuck out…even though I’m not in charge…I mean, now, once I get these keys and take over, I’ll be in charge of purgatory and limbo and the Beige World. If they would have kept me in charge of any of those, you two would have never snuck out of there. Well, you could compliment yourself.
But alls I was saying is that if Jiff’s gonna be in charge, I think second…they should just have Moriarty advising Jiff. Moriarty’s a fictional character. Are you gonna rescue more fictional characters and bring them into existence? Well…oh no, you're thinking of Moriarty from the books. No, I was thinking of Moriarty from the show. You're talking about Moriarty from Star Trek TNG? That was on a hard drive. Oh yeah, that’s the one. James…we…oh, I mean, yeah, 'cause I was…I’ve been holding on to the drive. James told me not to take it anywhere, but I did take it with us. Sorry, James. Oh, Richie…yeah, so, I have the Moriarty drive. So, I was thinking that if Jiff’s gonna be running all the afterlives, like, Moriarty should advise Jiff. Okay, well, that’s just ridiculous. Why would you have…?
Well, he’s in some sort of quantum drive or something, and the…it’s like some limitless world. So, I think he probably…I don't know, I think him and Jiff would get along. Then you could be…I guess in that case they wouldn't need you. You could just go back to running…well, I guess now Jiff’s gonna run all of post-earthly existences. So, does that mean you're retired? So, I guess you wouldn't be third; you'd be nil. Can we just finish up this gratitude ceremony? I don't want to hear about Moriarty or…I’ll be grateful when this…that the ceremony is almost over. Oh, wow. Okay, there you go. It looks like one or two lights. Now…okay, yeah. So, I guess the back of this thing is where the keys are gonna come out, and…I guess it doesn't look like keys, though. Did they tell you what to expect? They didn’t tell me anything, okay?
I don't…I think…I thought they gave the keys to Jiff, but now I’m like…I thought they said the back…that’s okay, James. The back…like, right here. I don't know, I just don't know. I’m grateful that I don't need to remember everything. I don't have to do everything 'cause I have James just like Jiff will have Moriarty, and you could be retired if…unless you're in charge. Again, I’m not positive. I am in charge, and there’s one more gratitude…space to fill in this gratitude meter, and then I could take the keys. It looks like they're gonna come out of the back of that thing? I don't even get that. Oh, you could come over here and look in a second. Yeah, I guess…so, did I already go or did James go? Who’s up? Who’s…? I’ll be grateful to hear what James is grateful for.
Well, Richie, I’m grateful for your ability to kinda go on and on and on about…I still don’t understand anything that’s happening, Richie. Well, James, that’s what you're here for. You're just here to…I don't know if ‘vacuous’ is a good description of you, because I’m not sure what that word means, but it reminds me of you. Now this is filled. It looks like there’s this box here, and I guess that’s the keys to the…oh yeah, James, you could…go ahead, I know you love those neon lights. Oh yeah, Richie. I’m just grateful for this neon gas. I just want to see the whole…it’s beautiful, this cornucopia. It really makes…filled with the three of ours’ gratitude. Yeah, I just want to check out the front side of the cornucopia and see if anything came out here. Also, I…it’s funny we were talking about keys; I left my keys at the front of the cornucopia.
Okay, well, I’m…so, this gold box apparently that is on the back here is…this must be the keys to the post…did they say…? Oh, no, they said the…you're right; the keys will come out when we fill the gratitude thing. I guess that’s…the box is the keys symbolically, and…I don't know. James, what did they say about that…something portal…blah, blah, blah, maybe Jiff will be in charge, maybe…oh, the…oh no, they said…I’m just kidding. They said, finally we're gonna be saved. Please treat our red-elasticene spandex’d friend with respect. I said, oh, we're old chums. Don't worry, I’ll give him a hard time. Do the gratitude ceremony. They’ll get the keys, they’ll take over and save everything, and…portals…inside the box…? James, were you listening? Yeah, Richie. They said to go into the portal within the box. Like, open that thing up?
I didn’t quite understand it. ‘Cause I said…like, they didn’t have the box, so I thought it was gonna be a big box that you open up, and the keys are inside. But it sounds like that small box…maybe you open up that and then you go inside? I don't know. Oh, you two. Wait a second, I’m hearing somebody call…okay…oh, yes, it sounds like it’s instructions; open this, get closer…okay, open that thing…oh, and then I just stick my finger in here…oh, and then I’m getting sucked into this…wait a second, this is one of those quantum…ha, ha, I’m grateful now, James. Richie, what happened? That’s Moriarty’s hard drive. It’s now…him and our red spandex’d friend are now in there together. Okay, but…wait a second. So, you trapped them…they're both trapped in that drive? Yeah, yeah. I just keep it in my pocket. It’s fine.
It’s like, Mor…every once in a while I’ll hear Moriarty’s voice in my head, but it’s…I just know to ignore it. Shelley Duvall did not. Don’t…please don’t call…please don’t associate poor Shelley Duvall with…okay, you're right. Mr. Duvall…so, he’s in that drive with Moriarty. They're in there together. Turned out, we didn’t need to rescue Moriarty. Sorry, Moriarty. I’m sure it’s big enough in there for the three of you, anyway. But yeah, so, I guess now…James, what do we need to do now? Well, I don't think this is a great place to be, Richie, because my impression when we first got here was that there was — and I think they said — small rifts in all the fabric of existence, and due to our actions, that things were not working out well and…that was a pretty big deal, and ‘oh no’, and, what are we gonna do?
I think I heard all of that, and that’s why they called in red spandex with elasticene, elast…however you say that. So, he was supposed to take over, to run everything and fix everything, probably with the unlimited power. But yeah, but now we have the keys, right? Yeah, but we don’t even know…I didn’t even…these are actual keys. It doesn't even make any sense. Okay, but let’s go through everything that happened real quick, James. So…'cause I don't understand.
Okay, basically what happened, Richie, in the shortest version possible, 'cause I tried to figure this out earlier…once upon a time, in this existence, we found out that the universe had somehow repaired itself and was resilient from our other incursions out of limbo into post-earthly existences and regular Earth, where we disrupted things in our quest to Get Besos, because he had disrupted our retail empires and you wanted to correct his vision of the world. Though, every time we did that, there was many other complications that…it didn’t work out well for anybody. Then every time we’ve tried to do that, we’ve been returned to limbo.
This time we snuck out, and we needed to get Jiff because you had sent him on a quest to rescue mostly-fictional characters from the afterlife that you felt related to or that you liked or that came up. Then we started to encounter more people that needed help. Like, Nafel needed help with getting Axion or whatever out of the afterlife. Then at some point we started storing…I don't know, because we had changed other existences and not returned everybody to their post-earthly existences, the…that…a lot of people were in Florida 'cause we had Big Farm in the Sky PI working for us, because you had given Jiff a list that you didn’t have a copy of with all the places and other people you wanted him to rescue.
But as the Big Farm in the Sky PI was looking for Jiff, he was the one that made us aware that Jiff was also doing these beta tests on repurposing post-earthly existence, to package stuff for delivery on Earth or to manufacture stuff for delivery on Earth. Then the Big Farm in the Sky PI found out about…so, then…we had been to Florida a few times. So, Florida was already…had mythical beings in Florida, including centaurs, a cloud goddess, her husband, two of their…two of her husband’s children, probably, maybe other mythical beings, and…oh, so then the Big Farm in the Sky PI found out about this…that Jiff was gonna be at this conference which we just concluded the gratitude ceremony for, and that there was gonna be a vote of who was gonna take over run…managing post-earthly existences, all of them.
‘Cause this particular conference which is annual or twice a year — I’m not sure — was for everybody that was across all post-earthly existences, where they come and talk about the work that they do. A work conference. Okay. But as a part of this particular conference, they were going to vote to go with Jiff’s new vision. Kinda like…they come up with a vision statement or a plan or cross-universe collaborations. This was a little bit more of a formal thing where Jiff was gonna take over. But I guess…my understanding is that Jiff was not totally honest in making sure Jiff would win the vote.
Somewhere in there, whether it was related to us or all the mythical beings we put in Florida or all the other disruptions we had or something we don’t know about or maybe a cascade effect from all those things, once again, all of existence was put on a timeline. It sounds like a ticking clock. Also, there’s a ticking clock right there that does seem to be…even though those are symbols, they are blinking red symbols, and that is a crying, frowny face, and it does seem to be counting down towards that, which I think probably means that all of existence will pass…'cause doesn't that say down there…? Yeah, past the point of resiliency. So, yeah, I guess our meddling and maybe other meddling like Jiff’s meddling…oh, definitely…this is definitely Jiff’s meddling. Like, not mettling; meddling…has caused this.
So, we're almost past the point of resiliency. Yeah, the entire existence of everything known ever; past, present, and future. Right. The person in the red spandex had the power to fix all that. Yeah, correct, but I have tricked them. A little trick…very…you know, like a trickster. I tricked like a trickster, James, and…now trapped in Moriarty’s drive. Oh, also, it’s a one-way…Data put a thing; you can't get back out. So, even Moriarty says, let me out. He only wants me to come in there. So, he can't get out. Moriarty can't get outta there. So, now Red Spandex cannot get out, either. Right. But we're just like regular people in post-earthly existence. We're not…we don’t have any powers. Yeah, I mean, power…entrepreneurial power we do, James, visionary power. Right, but I…and we have the keys to the entire afterlife.
Right. So, alls we gotta do is put our heads together. I think what we need to do is get…Jiff’s meddling is behind all this. So, what we need to do is take those…why don’t you give me those key…? I don't want to have the keys in the same pocket as Moriarty’s drive. That’s probably a good idea, James. Why don’t you…? No, I’m not holding Moriarty’s drive. I’ll hold the keys for you. I’ll carry the keys for you. Oh, good. Yeah, you could be my key carrier. That’s a good idea. So, we're gonna go through that portal that everybody else went through…open back up after we finished the gratitude ceremony.
I was thinking we’d throw the keys through there, but now that you mention Jiff’s meddling…we go back there, we get Jiff; he’s back there in Florida in The Towns, the largest active lifestyle community of fifty-five and older in the world. We go there and then it’ll fix everything. It’ll say, you need to de-meddle this. Also, you ruined retail for everybody. So, we still need to fix that part, too. Okay, but we don’t have that much time. Right; so, we should stop talking about it. We should…we need to rest, then we’ll go through…always be rested, James, and then we’ll go through the portal together. Okay, Richie. So, we should get some rest right now. Right, we're gonna get some rest. We’ve got the keys, and then we’ll go through the portal tomorrow, okay? Okay, James. Goodnight. Goodnight, Richie. You're Richie. Goodnight, James. Goodnight, Richie. Goodnight, everybody.
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(Transcription performed by LeahTranscribes)
