Episode 1417 – Sea Noodle
[START OF RECORDING]
SCOOTER: Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s time for the podcaster who’s here…I’m coming to you on a rainy day, but it’s a nice…well, it’s a rainy afternoon. A gray, rainy day that doesn't feel…that doesn't need to feel gray or rainy, really, 'cause I’m here to put you to sleep and keep you company. Say, what could be a better time to record a podcast to put people to sleep than right now? I say, yeah, let’s do it. So, I’m here getting cozy to help you get cozy. Believe it or not, my dog’s cozy near my feet. She doesn't even have a cozy, but…I mean, she doesn't have a tea cozy. But it’s been a while since we’ve referred to tea cozies.
Or, I used to…I dog-sitted a dog once named Cozy, and…but the interesting…interestingly enough, you don’t need to be cozy to…you could be…cozy’s optional with Sleep With Me. Cozy; it could be optional. There’s a channel called Cozy, too. I don't even know…I know…I’m gonna have to check…I think it’s over the air, too. So, I’m gonna get an antenna and tune it in. Your antenna might be tuned to these lulls. Welcome to Sleep With Me, by the way. This is a podcast to keep you company and take your mind off of stuff so you could fall asleep, to be your friend in the deep, dark night, and…yeah, to be a mild distraction, something to listen to to distract you from whatever’s keeping you up versus putting you to sleep directly. But I’m glad you're here.
We work really hard on the show to try to help you out, and…let me see, if you're new, what we got coming up is support so that paying for the show is optional, particularly for new listeners or occasional listeners. Then after the support is a long, meandering intro meanto to ease you into bedtime, and then it’ll be our talk…I’ll be telling you a story from our episodically modular series Get Besos Big Farm in the Sky PI. I’m really glad you're here. I really hope I can help you out. Regular listeners, so glad to have you back night after night. We try to keep a variety of styles of episodes coming out night after night after night. We're here for everybody, right, whether you're new, whether you only listen once in a while, whether you're just going through a tough time, or whether you listen night after night after night.
If you're one of those people that listens night after night after night, year after year after year, you're a regular listener and the podcast has made your life better, you're who I really need to get through to, and we could really use your support, either supporting the sponsors that are coming up or supporting the show directly to benefit not just you but everybody else that listens. We count on the people whose lives have been changed by the podcast, and that’s what keeps us around for everybody, for you and everybody else. So, I’m glad you're here, I work really…oh, and, yeah, these are the ways…if you say, yeah, no, this podcast has made my life better; how can I help? Here’s the ways you could do that.
INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake. It could be thoughts on your mind, thoughts you're thinking about about the past, the present, the future, you know, thoughts, things you're…thoughts…things on your mind. They're all…thoughts; you're always on my mind. If I sang that song, it would have…it wouldn't be just about one person. It’d be about…they say, how many…?
When Scoots did that Willy Nelson tribute song, did that version of Willy…oh, it was 8,000…is it a stanza? Yeah, no, he hasn’t stopped. He started singing it and then he says, oh, what about that? That thought’s also…then he changed it around; you're usually mostly always…nearly always on my mind, though I may not notice you. So, thoughts, it could be feelings, anything coming up for you emotionally related to those thoughts, physical sensations, like, whatever’s keeping you awake. It could be changes in time, temperature, routine, you could be traveling, you could have guests, maybe you work a different schedule, maybe your schedule changed, maybe you're in the middle of something, maybe you're going through something.
Whatever it is, I’m here to keep you company and take your mind off of whatever it is, whether it’s thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, trouble get…or something much, much different. I’m here to try to help. The reason I make the show or the reason I even get into what could be getting in the way of you and the sleep you need and you deserve is that…I don't know, I think with this show it’s important for me to let you know that you're welcome here and you're not…I don't know, ‘understood’ feels a little bit too pressure-filled, but we get it around here. While I might not…I mean, I get…I know what it feels like for me when I can't sleep, and I’ve had…I’ve been having trouble the past couple nights 'cause of something.
I know what that feels like at night, in the middle of the night, during the day, and before I go to bed. If it feels anything like that for you, I’d like to help. But even if you say, no, it feels different for me, or I’m dealing with something you can't quite understand…I know you have no experience with, I still want to help. But I have another piece of good news, which is that there’s enough people listening out there that right now, somewhere in the world, someone else is listening who really gets it and who is really rooting for you. Like, right now there’s someone who’s been through something, and they're really glad you're here. They're saying, wow, I hope this pod…they're so happy and they're so hopeful that you get the rest you need and you deserve, 'cause they know really, really what you feel like.
They've been through something, and this podcast helps them out. Maybe it won't help you out, but maybe we help you on the way to find something that does. But if that gets through to…even if you never listen to the show…that, hey, we're in this kinda separately and together and we're rooting for one another. Even the people that can't relate are rooting for you, and they're also rooting for you to…if you keep coming back, that you get that experience to lie in bed, hopeful that someone else out there gets some relief, too. That’s what this show’s about. Because the thing is, you deserve a good night's sleep. You deserve a bedtime you don’t have to dread.
You deserve a bedtime without rigmarole where you can get the rest you need so your life is more manageable tomorrow, and ideally you get the rest you need on a regular basis so you could be out there in the world flourishing, 'cause I know this; our world’s a better place with you in it, and we need you in this world right now. We really could use you, because…yeah, it’s a lot nicer. Now, the way the show works is I send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, and superfluous tangents. So, that means I’m gonna go off topic, I’m gonna get mixed up, then I’m gonna repeat myself, use filler…accident…natural, organic filler words, and then I’m gonna forget what I was talking about again, then I’ll go on an…get mixed up.
All of that is to keep you company and take your mind off of stuff. But when you first get here, the show could be even annoying to some people, or it…and it may never change. But you could be skeptical, you could be doubtful, you could be irritated, 'cause I don't know what exactly brought you here or how you found the show, but, you know, usually you get here to Sleep With Me and you're kind of a little bit…like a little bit rough around the edges, right? Because if it’s anything like my experience…and so, that’s normal. Now, if you find you never like me or the show, that’s okay. It’s not a big deal at all. I have a website set up. It’s a pretty normal thing, sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou. That has other sleep podcasts and sleepy stuff on there 'cause everything I said up until that point…this point is still true.
But for most people, it does take two or three tries to get used to this podcast, so just give it two or three tries and see how it goes. That’s what most regular listeners have said over the past ten, eleven, twelve years I’ve been making this podcast; hey, it took…the first time…this wasn’t what I expected. The second time I was confused and I was like, what is this dude going on about? Then the third time I woke up and then I realized, oh, now I…I didn’t realize I was looking for something like this. It’s like…'cause it’s a podcast you don’t listen to, but you can listen to it. You can kinda barely listen to it. It’s like a TV on in the other room, a show streaming under your pillow, sand passing through your hands, a out-of-focus picture.
It’s something you're…you could tune into when you need it, or it just provides some nice background noise. It’s like a friend you call or a roommate that tells you a story that never goes anywhere, but it’s comforting and distracting at the same time. Or, I don't know, alternates between the two? I don't know. You get to kinda see how you're gonna use the show. But yeah, that’s one thing that takes some getting used to. The other thing is this is a sleep podcast that’s been around since 2013 before it was a thing, but the show is not meant to put you to sleep. There is no pressure to fall asleep with this show. The reason the episodes are over an hour…I don't want you to worry about falling asleep. My job is not to put you to sleep.
It’s to keep you company and distract you while you fall asleep, because there’s people listening that I learned early on can't sleep at all, and they need a friend in the deep, dark night just to be there for them. Or there’s people that listen during the day because they need a break or they need something to listen to while they do their job, and they need me there, too. So, I’m here to be here whether you listen to me or not, whether you wake up, but you don’t have to worry about falling asleep, 'cause my job is to be your bore-friend, your bore-bae, your bore-sib, your neigh-bore, your bore-bie, your boreman, your Boris Borlaf, your chairman of the boreds, your bore-sib, your bore-bruh, your bore-cuz, your best bore-friend f’eva.
I’m just here to be your companion…or not even; your distant companion in the deep, dark night and hang with you and kinda talk for your benefit so you could fall asleep. So, that takes some getting used to, too. It’s a sleep podcast that doesn't put you to sleep, but you fall asleep? Yeah, kind of. You'll see. Yeah, so, the other thing is the structure of the show that I like to share at the beginning, 'cause the show is structured in a specific way to benefit the maximum amount of people it can, but you can adjust how you listen. That’s the great thing about all podcasts. We have different versions of the show to meet your needs. But this particular version is what benefits the most amount of people, 'cause most people listen to this version linearly.
So, the show starts off with a greeting; friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, so you feel seen and welcomed in. You say, okay, I might check that show out. It seems nice enough. I say, sweet. Then there’s support, listener support and sponsor support, so that paying for the show is optional, 'cause a lot of people only listen from time to time, when they're going through a tough time, or they're new. So, really, the people that listen the most are the people we count on to support the show. Everybody else…you know, you're just listening for a little while. We got you. The sponsors help with that, too. So, that’s what the support’s about. Then separate from the support is…but after the support is a show within a show. It’s a introduction of the podcast.
It’s around twelve to twenty minutes long where I try to explain what the podcast is but I kinda go off topic, I get mixed up, as I talked about earlier, but I follow a familiar structure every time, but every intro is different. I think what’s important about that is that it’s familiar, right? Okay, every intro is gonna be familiar. It’s gonna…but it’s different every time so that whatever keeps us awake has something new to keep distracting it. But you still say, oh, okay, but it’s reassuring at the same time. The other reason the intro’s like, ten, fifteen, twenty minutes long is because it’s not…this show is not meant to put you to sleep right away.
There is a version of the podcast, Bedtime Stories from Sleep With Me, that doesn't have the intro, and then we have a variety of versions on Sleep With Me+ for people that have…listen in different styles. But for most listeners, the intro is the wind-down period. So, people are in bed getting comfortable, they are…they're getting ready for bed or they're winding down, like doing a chill activity, petting their pets, maybe they're noodling. I don't know what that is. Is that appropriate to say? ‘Cause I don't know what it is. Or I guess canoodling…doesn't that just mean…? Is that like when you kiss each other’s noses or something like that? I don't know. Or they're chilling. Maybe someone’s sculpting foam noodles, like pool noodles, or just contemplating it in their mind. That’d be…I don't know if that’s a wind-down activity.
Maybe drawing on pool noodles is. I don't know what you'd use. Would a Sharpie work on a pool noodle? How…? Does anybody draw on pool noodles anymore? Oh, never; okay. I guess that makes sense. It makes perfect sense. You say…I say, well, I don't have a pool, so, yeah, I just…it’s just something I put out there. So, that won't be an…here’s one; you could use…if you have a roommate or even…I guess a bed-mate with a sense of humor, you could use a pool noodle similar to a tin-can phone to whisper sweet nothings. So, forget the drawing. If you want…instead of…we could just…that’s what noodling is, actually. There’s…is it platonic noodling? That’s where you say, race-car bed #2, race-car bed #2, this is your roommate in the train bed. Come in. Go ahead train bed. I just wanted to say goodnight.
Okay, goodnight, train bed. I was already asleep, but goodnight again. Okay, goodnight race-car bed #2. So, you could do that and then you could have more…what are the other ones? I guess if you're working on a spiritual thing, you’d do your spiritual things through there. Isn't that…? Then there’s…you could whisper sweet…you know, it doesn't even have to be…it could be sweaty-back nothings, too, through the pool noodle. Just some ideas. So, that’s noodling. It’s a new concept on Sleep With Me. A variety of ways you could use it. Please keep your noodling below…low decibels. No shouting in noodles. So, there you go. ‘Cause people were wondering earlier…they said, Scoots, I just Googled ‘noodle’.
I don't…oh no, no, that was…that’s a different version of…I don't know anything about it 'cause I didn’t search for it. I just started rambling pointless meanders. But, yeah, just in case I invented my own…yeah, it’s like a tin-can phone, but it’s a pool noodle. It’s for more…it’s repurposing. I mean, it’s like…this is the cutting edge of recycling or creative reuse. It’s, yeah, short-term. I don't know how far…I don't know what the world’s longest pool noodle is. I guess there’s gotta be one. You'd need a pretty long…you'd need a long pool, and…I guess an Olympic-sized pool. It’s probably gonna be longer than that. The world’s longest pool, meet the world’s longest pool noodle. It’s a little bit shorter than your…because obviously we gotta get it in there.
I mean, technically if you can't go in…I mean, you could be the world’s largest ocean noodle or the world’s largest lake noodle or the world’s largest sea noodle. Maybe I should do a episode about this. I guess maybe we’ll do a episode about this instead of Get Besos Big Farm in the Sky. I think this is calling to me now, an episode about sea noodles. So, that’s what we’ll be talking about now. I changed my mind. That happens on these intros. So…oh, so, the intro goes on and on and on to ease you into bedtime, then there will be a break with some support, and then there will be a long, meander…oh, the intro’s meant to ease you into bedtime just like a bedtime routine…part of your bedtime routine. Yeah, then there will be support, then there will be a story, I guess tonight it’ll be about sea noodles.
Old sea noodle, and…I don't know what it’ll be…but I just like how those words sound. Sea noodle, lake…ocean noodle and…how come sea noodle sounds better than those two? It’s more sleepy. I just don't know. That’s why I do this. So, I’m glad you're here. I work really hard. So do a team of people. We really hope we can help you fall asleep. Thanks again for coming by. If this podcast changes your life on a regular basis, if you love this podcast, we really could use your help to keep the show going for you and for everybody else. These are the ways you could help the show back if it makes your life better on a regular basis. Thanks so much.
Alright everybody, this is Scoots here, and this is a Trending Tuesday-style episode even though our episodes don’t come out on…do they come out on Tuesdays nowadays? This episode is not necessarily coming out on Tuesday. This is a little bit of a seasonal episode for…The Hearts Go Pitter-Patter, though I had a non-seasonal episode. I know it came out…it had to have come out in the last twelve months, but I think it came out more recently than that. I don't…oh, Butter…yeah, one of my favorite episodes, The Buttertones. When did that come out? In the fall. Okay, so, that was still quite a few months ago. But so, I always put out these proposals related to romance and the romantic season.
By the way, I just want to put this out there; I know there are some…in the general category of romance writers that listen to this show, novelists and short-story writers, and…of romantic fiction, I guess I would say, reach out to me. I mean, I know I e-mailed back and forth with a couple of you, but…and especially if you live in New York State or New York City, because I have a kind of pitch idea for a bookstore. It’s not a romance bookstore, but I have a pitch idea for a bookstore that’s a new bookstore that another listener owns. So, reach out to me. But so, this…so, this is not…well, this is my attempts at making…my lifetime attempts at making romantic fiction come true for me. So, this is not a Hallmark story, though, I mean, at this point I guess Hallmark Channel has enough.
But between the seasonal holiday stuff we do…hello…what was the name, even? We had two series that would have been perfect for you, one about a shop — I can't remember the names of them, so I guess that doesn't help — as well as this series. Or, I mean, if you're competing with the Hallmark Channel, look me up, alright, already. So, this isn't a series so much as a continuation…alright, so, sorry, a little interruption there but…that you didn’t hear, but a little cleaning going on unexpectedly. But I think I was talking about…okay, so, every once in a while these episodes come up where I’m trying…my whole idea was to partner with a already-established company. I came up with this oh-so witty idea. It doesn't seem like it’s…you think…maybe you add less to the witty…wit for it.
But this was many, many years ago on the podcast. There’s a platform used to exchange money with people that happened to do cash called Venmo. A long time ago I’d go on there and I’d say, huh, that four-by-four pixel person who loves avocados or guacamole or chips or something…huh, I also like those things. Huh, I wonder, I wa-wa-wonder why Venmo doesn't have a secret layer where it could also become a dating app. So, then I said, well, why don’t I invent the idea and not do anything about it except talk about it? I said, okay, sounds great. So, then I came up with Datemo. Well, if you want more dates, use Datemo. Then I thought, oh, there’s another thing; Datemoi. Would you like to date moi? Okay, Datemo, Datemoi. Crickets.
Particularly on a sleep podcast, that’s kind of expected, but it was like, okay, crickets. Okay, not…no response. Okay, next step would be…okay, let’s do something about it. So, I came up with ideas for different seasonal events to bring people together, Rom-Com Con, which already existed, unfortunately. So did Romcon. I came…I was like, huh, come…I already have a great idea, Rom-con, like no one had ever thought of it before. Then a sub-conference within Romcom, Romcom Con, which is within Rom-con, which is a conference about romance and particularly romantic fiction. We would have a mini-conference called Romcom Con, which I think already also existed. But those didn’t go anywhere, either.
But then I had this idea recently in the…when I was recording the intro, and I said to myself, holy cow…'cause there’s a lot of things attributed to romance, right? Rings, being pleasing whether they're…all that glitters is gold or silver, being pleasing to many people. I say, okay…or whatever they say, the heart…every gift belongs…if you want…go to the mall or use something that…all that glitters might not be gold. There’s…my love for you is harder than zirconium. So, yeah. So, those things all have gone through my mind. Then I thought about this idea…and I think we’ve used tin-can phones for romance before. If we haven't, then I…we should. So, I had this idea for…to repurpose pool noodles. Not every pool noodle is hollow.
But you say…which is interesting, 'cause a pool…here’s an idea for a pool…'cause you say, well, I’m kind of over pool noodles, right? This is the idea I had, which is like, why don’t you come…? This is what I proposed as part of Datemoi and our next…our first final…our first and last final launch of Datemoi for the 2026 holiday romantic season, we said, okay, let’s do…'cause pool noodles…but you say…well, this was the first idea. It didn’t work out. But I said, okay, how come there’s only…how come there’s not angel hair…pool noodles…oh, which ones would…? A pool noodle…pool noodles, pool noodles, pool noodles, or pool…solamente pool noodles. I don't know how…my Spanish…I don't know ‘noodle’. Not pool noodles…oh no, no, we don’t…no, this isn't Pool Noodles and More. We only have pool noodles here.
Or maybe it’s a pet…Pool Noodles and Poodles. This one was gonna be called Oodles of Pool Noodles. Then I said, what am I…? Oodles and Oodles of Pool Noodles. They said, yeah, they’ll just add the…triple cost of the sign. I said, okay, but it’ll be in neon, right? Oodles, Oodles…Oodles of Pool Noodles and…no, we don’t have…we could be like a cat cafe with poodles. Those ideas didn’t go through. But so, the Oodles of Pool Noodles…Oodles, Oodles, and Oodles of Pool Noodles…come on down. Come on down. You need your pool noodles…‘cause this wasn’t my…I thought this would be the ad. We got angel hair. We got regular pool noodles, which is kinda like spaghetti. We got a penne, 'cause then you could…very similar to floaties, but longer. We got fusilli, we got the other ones that I don't know…you know, stars, macaroni.
Great for putting under your butt. Macaroni; very similarly shaped to the…shaped to hold your rear end. Believe me…don't worry, we got accessories, too. But then I started thinking about…okay, that won't work. We really need — like I said in the intro — something splashier for our pool noodles. You know, some sort of big splash. Again, I thought…I know there’s a long noodle that’s also hollow, but that’s not…you could fill it with stuff, but you don’t necessarily need to, and it’s good for soaking up sauce. I said, okay, there are pool noodles with holes in them. Then I said, okay, can we get the world’s largest pool noodle? They said, okay, well, here’s the thing; the largest pool is this long. So, you're gonna…and they said, so, it kind of is like a fixed thing. I said, okay, well, what about the largest lake noodle?
They said…even the people that were open-minded at Datemoi HQ, which is just Koa and some stuffed animals, my test audience, they said, uh, a lake noodle doesn't sound appetizing. I’d rather have a pool noodle in the lake. I don't know why. I can't tell you…a pond noodle? Definitely not. Swamp noodle? Very niche. At Oodles of Noodles, we could have that in a special section. It wouldn't be a thing. It’d be like, oh no, no, this is special…oh yeah, it’s like we’ve changed the texture and it’s…these are algae…believe it or not, we make swamp noodles for people who love the swamps. This is algae-friendly and…but the algae will wash right off. We do sell it in a variety of swampy colors and non-swampy colors, depending on your preference.
So, swamp noodles…they said, eh, okay, there’s a small percentage of people who have ever existed who may want a swamp noodle. I said, like the…like Adrienne Barbeau…there was…in a movie who dated someone. Maybe she could have used a swamp noodle in that film. Then I thought about romance. Oh, and so, these things were swimming in my head, right? These puns just keep accidentally appearing. So then I thought, okay, a ocean noodle. They said, eh, I don't know. Ocean noodle…probably not…Great Lake noodle? They said, not even…definitely…it’s just not appealing. I said, okay, a sea noodle. All of a sudden, just like in the intro, it was like, wait a second, what did you say? Sea noodle. They said, huh, a sea noodle. It has a catchy sound to it.
Yeah, maybe the long journey home sometimes takes over a year to come up with ideas. Just like, I don't even know when the late Datemo episode came out in February or near February. But sea noodle was gonna be a part of it. So, I said, okay, what’s the world’s largest sea noodle? They said, as far as we know…whatever’s larger…one-billionth of anything…one micron larger than 0.0 would be the world’s largest sea noodle. Then I kinda came into the conglomerates, 'cause they said, just 'cause…you can't just start calling it a sea noodle and say it’s…I said, well, okay. Alright, opposition taken.
I respect that you disagree with my approach, but I see your noodle that’s a pool noodle, and this is…I’m working on designing a sea noodle which is a hollow noodle, and, yeah, we're gonna work on…we're gonna do some studies at some point about the sea. It’ll probably be more sea-friendly than your…no off…I’m not…we're gonna make it sea-friendly. At some point, yeah, we’ll make a really long one. But as soon as I started thinking about how long they were…and I thought about longing and connection and Datemo and tin-can phones. Now, at this point I think even the stuffed animals were no longer listening to me, and I know Koa was not. She was like, could you put on something for me to watch? I said, okay.
She even saw…I think they were…I said, this is about as interesting as a kitty cat in the neighbor’s house, your going on and on and on. I said, well, by the way, Koa, if it’s so interesting, we could just run a test with some of my…whatever you call it, experimental sea noodles, which is basically like hollow pool noodles that I could find and duct tape to make longer pool noodles. But I was…that was the only…it was hard. Thanks to…I did try the tape on Craigslist one time. I said Craigslist; I meant Scriptnotes. Maybe 'cause Craig’s on there and they do…but so, on Scriptnotes one time, Vince Gilligan was on there, and…did I just say Gilligan? Yeah. I mean, that’s his last name, I think. Okay, Vince, he was on there talking about this special tape, and then I made my daughter listen to the episode 'cause it was so good.
But that tape did not work. It was outer-space tape, not…tape not actually from outer space; just a name. Just like sea noodles; not actually made…not actually from the sea, but not actually noodles, either. So…okay, so I said to Koa…so, I said, let’s do…I don't know, what are they called when you're working…? Prototypes. I said, let’s do some prototyping. I said, we could run some of these down to the neighbor’s house if you want to talk to the cat. But then Koa and the stuffed animals did not have anything to say to the cat. Now, I did try it out. This was in the warmer months, so I just kinda put it by the wind…the window was open. The screen was there, though. Then I just…I’m pretty good at making meow sounds. I mean, not for a sleep podcast. I mean, I do do a pretty good Ser Pounce meow.
So, I mean, I don't…I don't think it’s bragging to say I have pretended…I have done Ser Pounce from…who is Tommen’s cat. One of my favorite moments on the show…oh, who’s this lovely fellow? Ser Pounce. If you ever want to see laying out a strategy with Marjory, right…and then who Tommen is and why…and everything else after that, but Tommen makes sense. It’s just that scene…just one of the scenes that grasped me, 'cause he was so proud to say that the cat’s name was Ser Pounce and so proud to say that he…he didn’t have to say that he thought of it. She was so…she just knew how to handle it. She said, oh, Ser Pounce or what…I don't even remember. I’m probably re-imagining the scene. But yeah, Ser Pounce, man. I say, your cat’s name is Ser Pounce. You do rule, Tom.
That’s why Tommen’s…became such a part of the podcast. So…okay, so, I was meowing. The cat did seem to notice it, so I said, okay, the prototype works. So, I said, let’s move forward with a test production. By the way, if you make enough phone calls, you can get somebody to start making longer pool noodles. So…okay, so then the next thing was finding a sea where we could test these pool noodles out, right? I did have to figure out…first of all, I looked up…I said, okay, so, sea is a division of an ocean delineated by landforms or currents or latitude and longitude, but is not limited to marginal…I say, who are you calling a marginal sea?
Well, a marginal sea is a division of a ocean partially enclosed by islands, archipelagos, or peninsulas, adjacent to or widely open to the open ocean at the surface and/or bounded by submarine ridges on the sea floor. There is a list of seas, largest to smallest, but they're all pretty big. Then I said, well, I don't understand what a marginal sea is, but I think that’s probably what we want. Someone said, well, why don’t you just test it in a bay or something? We’ll call…'cause we could figure that out 'cause…I mean, by the way, there’s a lot of nice seas. I said, I could list the seas. Here’s what we’ll do. They said, what? I said, okay, so, here’s what I’m now proposing. They said, okay, go ahead and propose. I said, okay, so…okay, so you're saying…do you have a enclosed body of salt water? They said, yeah, we got one.
I said, warm enough for people to be able to have swimsuits on? They said, yes. I said, is it a predictable…? Like, the weather and the surface…? Oh yeah, we got that. I said, who am I calling? They said, oh, this is your imagination speaking. I said, great. Perfect. So, so far, so good. I said, which…? Oh, Unrealistic Expectations Department. Okay. So, you're very…you're one of more…my more adept parts of my being. So, that’s good. You're very reliable. Well, we do our best here at Unrealistic Expectations. So Unrealistic Expectations became a partner, launch partner for the seventh launch of Datemoi. So, they were providing the sea, which they were calling the Secret Sea. I said, ooh, man. They said, isn't that tantalizing? I said, oh man. They said…I said, yeah. So, the Secret Sea is where we’re doing the launch of sea noodles.
They said, yeah, yeah. They said…so, then we got the sea noodles. They said, the next thing we need is things people can float in. Then I said, if we're talking about…I said, if I’m partnering with Unrealistic Expectations, then lots of sandy beachfront, maybe some grassy beachfront nearby, maybe some of those…maybe cabins and cabanas, and the things you see…maybe even some of those things with…that…I don't know, I used to see them…I always see them in travel magazines, bung…over-ocean bungalows. They said, over-sea bungalows; okay. I said, perfect. So, they said, don't worry, we’ll have all of that. I said, okay, so, we need…I said, I don’t…I never…I said, do you have a few minutes? They said, we have all…your entire life together. I said, you're a lot better at listening to me than Koa and the stuffed animals.
They said, who is that, your new favorite band? I said, hardy, har, har. I said, okay, so we need things to float on. They said, the people aren't gonna be floating on the sea noodles? I said, no, the sea noodles are a part of the romantic thing. They said, what part of the romantic thing? I said, okay, so here’s what I’m picturing; how calm is this sea? They said, very calm. If you want it calm…so unrealistically calm and picturesque. I said, this is going so well. So, I said, well, in that case, we could have pool…sea floats. I want things where people could be lying on their back or their stomach or their side. I was thinking stand-up paddle boards, but we could have a variety of options. They said, yeah.
I said, originally I was thinking rowboats or smaller rowboat-type crafts, but then if you're lying your arms out of it like it’s hard…they said, well, we could look at soft rowboats, too, or soft drifting craft. We're thinking you're gonna be having drift, right? I said, yeah. How will that work in this sea? They said, oh, well, it’s great. It has counterclockwise current, slow counterclockwise current, and then it kinda goes in a figure eight counterclockwise…but in a very languid pace. So, it’ll keep everybody…the crafts moving, but very slowly, and they won't bunch up, because there’s a few eddies and stuff. I said, wow. Yeah, they said, it’s not just one current. So, there’s all…there’s a ovular current, then a figure-eight current…I said, okay, this sounds good.
They said, okay, so, you're gonna have different floating sea-floaters, sea-loungers. I said, something like that. We’ll think…I said, yeah, and then we're gonna find people who are already in connection, romantic connection. They said, okay. They said, potential? I said, well, I mean, if you can get one of those…I mean, I’ve never watched those reality shows. A lot of my friends do and my daughter does. We could do a test launch on that. Talk about unrealistic expectations. So, we could do it on that…one of those shows. They said, okay, well, tell me more about your idea, 'cause these shows are pretty hip and concerned with mainly looking good, not just physically but impression-wise. I said, okay, then…this may not work, then.
I said, okay, so picture a couple or more, depending…I mean, whatever the established relationship is or…this is…you could use it for flirting. So, I think we could do that. We could…yeah, we could have different groups. This could be…actually, the way you described the currents, I’m thinking we could do speed dating with this, but it’d be very slow. They said, okay, we can arrange that within our…your unrealistic expectations. Great. So…okay, so now what I’m picturing…why don’t you walk us through the established couples and then the speed dating? Okay, can I do the dating first? ‘Cause it’ll make more sense. ‘Cause the dating…I think the flirting…I think we're better off with the flirting. The pool noodle is good for anything. The sea noodle, I mean.
So, what I’m picturing is…okay, let’s just say it’s a couple in this case, and they're side by side. Now, they can position themselves…they're each in a separate floatie, right? The sea noodle, by the way, it’s less relenting. It’s a little bit…this is not a pun. It’s a little bit stiffer than a pool noodle. It still has some…and that’s because sound…you want it to be somewhat straight. It can bend a little bit, but you want it to be somewhat straight. So, it keeps everybody at a distance. So, each person…and maybe we have something on the thing. Maybe it’s magnetic. I don't know. So, their two floats are…whatever, I’m saying they're about ten feet apart initially, and you can…you basically are lying…and maybe your eyes are closed. Maybe they're not closed. Or maybe it’s dark out and the moonlight…so it’s…things are more vague.
But you're whisper…you're basically…I guess in this case they'd be answering questions. So, it could start out towards dusk so then you're making eye contact. So, you do more than one round. I’ve never been on speed dating before, but I think it’s just like…you just talk to ten people for like, one minute each or something like that. The way this would work is that…let’s say it takes…like, each route of your…this magical sea we're talking about…again, you get one answer. Maybe it’s announced or projected in the sky, and you say, you know, what’s the softest thing about you? Or something. I don't know. I’m not good at designing these questions. Or it could be a story starter; like, a pink shell was found on the sandy beach. Then, that could be a hard one for some people, but it would be easy for other ones.
But maybe it just makes them laugh. They have to repeat the question, so that might be something. So, they basically…they do that once, and then it starts to get more towards the dusk, and then you do a second round with each person. That way you have a sense…you know, I think you get a second chance or…I don't know. Maybe you could…I don't know, I guess you could opt out of the second round. There’d have to be a soft way to do that, you know? Say, well, that guy Scooter, he never…he’s a nice person, but I’d rather do another circle around the sea with Brad Braderson. Say, oh, that Brad Braderson, always…so…okay, so you know what I’m saying? So then you get a kinda second rotation. Okay, so let me make sure I’m understanding this.
They're communicating through the pool noodles, so they have to be at a further enough distance, and it kinda has to be required that they don’t shout. So, it’d be working on one of these romantic game shows, 'cause…if you shout or…I could picture that some people that are a little more confident, they would try to say, okay, ten feet? I don't need ten feet. Let’s get closer together right away. So, I would think…I’m thinking that the pool noodle is somehow fixed where it’s like, you have to stay ten feet at the first pass. Then on the second pass you do a shorter pool noodle so you're a little bit closer together, and then you could do a third pool noodle if you wanted, each time opting in, and maybe that reduces the pool. Sea noodles, though. We keep calling them pool noodles, but sea noodles.
That gives us also a chance to make the environment more romantic, where the grass and the bushes were wet with dew and the moonlight’s on the beach, and there’s nice, soft light coming from the bungalows, and music, and maybe there’s the sound of someone counting…a coin-collector playing with their coins, peaceful noises. But all is calm, you know? There’s nothing…everything else is very calm. Okay, yeah, yeah, I like that idea. We’d have to find some sort of appealing way if you weren't chosen for the second or third rotation and the pot…what are we gonna do about the people that are…? We’d have…I guess you could have snacks or drinks or whatever. Yeah, there’d be also optional places for people to go talk more, like a dessert place. Yeah, like a place with drinks. They could go walk…a walking path.
Maybe we have other people…maybe this is…so, if you don’t get selected, then you're not just with the other people that weren't selected for a second or third route, but maybe we're pairing people. Not everybody…the instructions for everybody are different, right? Everything’s gonna be a mystery 'cause this is the Secret Sea. So, let’s say for you, Scooter, let’s just say…you're predicting your future without positive intent, but let’s just say you went around ten times and…I think that’d be too many people, but let’s just say it. They say, oh, okay, so now we’ve narrowed it down. So, now you're gonna take a break and you get to go to the…whatever, the lunch hut or whatever. Then we pair you wish people that are…it’s kinda…something staggered is happening.
So, we always have pools of people to work from, seas of people to work from. We could also say, oh, okay…like, we can do tests of like, hey, what works best to create a casual, fun environment where it doesn't have to be necessarily about…? We could also prepare…'cause we’d have to charge millions of dollars for this, anyway. Wait a second, what? Oh, Scooter, I’m just keeping it unrealistic. Okay, but…yeah, but the platform’s gonna pay for all that 'cause it’ll make…it’ll be so successful. Of course it will be, of course it will be. You know, people will be calling each other’s names many times. We’ll say, when you hear your bell — each person gets a bell or something — come quickly, and you'll go and you'll be…but we know what common interests people have.
So, even if they don’t make a romantic connection, we could have a gaming area or whatever it is, a sporting area or a TV or movie area. So, those people could just spend time as friends hanging out or as a group hanging out. So, yeah, I think we could definitely make some adjustments to things. Then the same thing I think I already…it makes sense with the idea of people that are already established in relationships or fostering newer relationships or rekindling. It’s kinda like the love…it could be a show, The Love Sea. I guess that’s a little bit too on the nose. The Secret Sea, the new…it’s like the love boat, but it’s a sea, but it’s actually not technically a sea. But yeah, it’s almost like a sea. It’s the Secret Sea, so secret it’s actually not a sea. Wait, are you saying the Secret Sea is not a sea?
No, no, it’s called the Secret Sea, and it’s salt water, yes. Okay. So, what other programming would you have? Well, I would read through…so, in the night I would read through the 76 largest seas by area, decreasing in order of area. So, I’d just do that to help everybody drift off and get comfortable. Okay, why don’t you go ahead and do that and then we’ll go from there? Well, there’s the Philippine Sea, which is 5.697 million kilometers, then the Coral Sea, 4.791 million. This is according to Wikipedia. The Arabian Sea; 3.862. Saragasso Sea…I think that was a romantic movie; 3.5 million. South China Sea; 3.5 million. The Weddell Sea; 2.8 million. So, that’s four…5.6. So, seven seas are already half the size of the largest sea. Caribbean Sea is 2.754. Mediterranean Sea is 2.51. The Gulf of Guinea is 2.35.
The Tasman Sea is 2.3. The Bay of Bengal is 2.172. The Bearing Sea is 2 million. The Sea of Okhotsk is 1.53. Gulf of Mexico; 1.55. Gulf of Alaska; 1.533. The Barents Sea — that’s with a T — 1.4. Norwegian Sea; 1.383. The East China Sea; 1.29…1.249. Hudson Bay; 1.23. 1.23, huh? Greenland Sea; 1.205. Somov Sea; 1.15. Mar de Grau; 1.14. Riiser-Larsen Sea; 1.138. The Sea of Japan; 1.05. The Argentine Sea; 1 million. Now we drop below one. When did we drop below two? Great question. That was after the Bearing Sea. Wow, we dropped from 2 to 1.53. I lost my place. Oh, we were dropping below a million. East Siberian Sea is 987,000. Lazarev Sea; 929,000. Kara Sea; 926. Scotia Sea; 900. Laborador Sea; 841…841,000. Andaman Sea; 7…8…9…770,700. Laccadive Sea; 786. Irminger Sea; 780. Solomon Sea; 720.
Mozambique Channel; 700. Cosmonauts Sea; 699. The Banda Sea; 695. Baffin Bay; 689. Lapatev…Laptev Sea; 662. Arafura Sea; 650. Ross Sea; 637. Chukchi Sea; 620. Timor Sea; 610. North Sea; 575. Bellingshausen Sea; 487. Beaufort Sea; 476. The Celebes Sea; 472. The Black Sea; 436. The Gulf of Aden; 410. The Yellow Sea; 480. Baltic Sea; 377. Caspian Sea; 371. Libyan Sea; 350. Amundsen Sea; 333. Levantine Sea; 320. Java Sea; 320. Gulf of Thailand; 304. The Celtic Sea; 300,000. The Gulf of Carpentaria; 300. Sulu Sea; 260. Cooperation Sea; 258. The Persian Gulf; 251. Gulf of St. Lawrence; 226. The Bay of Biscay; 223. The Aegean Sea; 214. The Gulf of Anadyr; 200. The Molucca Sea; 200. Oman Sea; 181. Ionian Sea; 169. The Gulf of California; 160 kilometers…160,000 kilometers. The Balearic Sea; 150. Adriatic Sea; 138.
The Flores Sea; 121. Then we got some marginal seas by ocean. Okay, so, this is the ocean. Then the Arctic Ocean is the Chukchi Sea, the East Siberian Sea, the Laptev Sea, the Kara Sea or the Kara Sea, the Barents Sea, the Pechora Sea, the White Sea, the Queen Victoria Sea, the Wandel Sea, Greenland Sea, the Lincoln Sea, which is recognized by the IHO but not the IMO, which we’ll look that up in a minute…Baffin Bay, Prince Gustaf Adolf Sea, the Armundsen Gulf, the Hudson Bay, Bowman Bay, Wager Bay…these are all in the Hudson Bay. Foxe Basin, Roes Welcome Sound, Foxe Channel, Bay of God’s Mercy, Hudson Strait, Ungava Bay, Native Bay, Evans Strait, Fishers Strait, James Bay, and the Beaufort Sea. So, let’s look this up. So, the IHO is the International Hydrographic Organization representing hydrography.
It has 103 member states. Ensure the world sees oceans and navigable waters are properly surveyed and charted. It sets international standards and has observer status in the UN. Recognizes competent authority on hydrographic surveying and nautical charting. The other one is the International Maritime Organization, IMO. This one’s a little bit different. It’s a specialized agency in the UN regulating marine transport. It was established following a conference in Geneva in 1948 but didn’t come into existence until ten years later. It’s based in the UK. 176 member states and associate members. It’s supposed to maintain a comprehensive regulatory framework for shipping, maritime environments, and legal stuff. I don't know, does it talk about how it works with…?
Technical committees, sub-committees, legal instruments…okay, so, those are the two ones. Let’s get back…let’s spend a little bit more time with the sea so everybody that’s resting in the waters…the Atlantic…I don't know if we’ll get through all this. Yeah, I think where this is probably a good place to stop, huh? All these smaller seas…I don't know if any of them are quite small enough for the Unrealistic Expectation Sea, but I’m sure we’ll find one. There’s a sea out there to carry everybody off into dreamland, not just me. So, thank you so much for listening, whether you're listening to this in the pitter-patter of hearts season or not, I’m glad I get to help you out, and I really hope I can help you fall asleep. Thanks again for coming by, and goodnight, everybody.
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(Transcription performed by LeahTranscribes)
