Bedtime stories to help grown ups fall asleep in the deep, dark night.

Episode 1110 – Space Elevator Links | Nuns in Space S3 E6

 

[START OF RECORDING]

 

SCOOTER:    Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s time for the podcaster who’s…I just want to tell you about some of the colors surrounding me.  We have pink blackout curtains, we have some grey fleece with a grey…with a grey stripe; two of those.  They’re very thin fleece blankets from…what’s that place called?  IKEA, that were…that are in the super bargain bin, but I had those.  I have two of them ‘cause they help dampen the sound as well.  Then we have moving blankets with white stitching, black moving blankets.  Yeah, black, I’d say; not a dark grey.  Of course, the quilt that the listeners made for me that’s multi colors.  So beautiful.  Oh, also behind that is a curtain I had up in a kitchen I had at one point to keep the heat out of the kitchen — when I was in a different apartment — to reflect the heat so it would go into my daughter’s room.

 

That’s blue…shades of blue.  If you say I’m feeling shades of blue ‘cause I don’t know what you’re talking about…I thought this was a sleep podcast meant to keep you company so you’re not alone in the deep, dark night, to take your mind off of stuff so you could fall asleep.  You’re the most important part of the show, but this podcast is very different, not for everybody.  Give it a few tries, see how it goes.  The structure of the show is I’m gonna do some support for the podcast, then there will be an intro to help you…ease you into bedtime, and there’ll be an episodically modular bedtime story you could listen to in any order.  It’s time for Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  Thanks for making it possible, patrons.

 

INTRO:    [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing?  Trouble getting to sleep?  Trouble staying asleep?  Well, welcome.  This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  We do it with a bedtime story.  Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play.  I’m gonna do the rest.  What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake.  It could be thoughts you’re thinking about, thoughts on your mind, so thoughts about the past, the present, the future.  Usually I have thoughts about all that stuff.  So thoughts, it could be feelings, anything coming up for you emotionally related to those thoughts or independent of them, feelings that are just there.  It could be physical sensations, changes in time, temperature, routine.

 

Holy cow, I went to bed late last night, but I tried to…so, my routine was disrupted but I tried to…I did a lot of self-talk, positive self…I said don’t worry, we’ll try to…just one night.  We’ll still do our wind-down routine, which I did.  I shortened it.  I also had…it was the weekend, but I had two cookies too, a little bit as part of my…normally not part of my wind-down routine, but I had just gotten…oh, sorry.  Whatever’s keeping you awake; not what’s keeping me awake.  Whatever’s…just a little insight, though.  They were cookies I had baked the night before, and I had planned…I kinda used it as a negotiating tool with myself.  I said what if we have two cookies and a diet root beer?  Then we’ll do our wind-down routine, and it’s gonna be okay.  Believe it or not, I’m…whatever they call that.

 

People have told me you’re the wounded healer archetype or something.  I say well, if that’s what that means, I still gotta practice my…I said, it’s gonna be okay.  Let’s just do a wind-down…I know it’s later than you want to be going to bed, but it’ll be okay.  We’ll just do our same routine.  We’ll just cut out…I didn’t do the meditation or the foam rolling, but I did the rest of the stuff.  So, whatever’s keeping you awake, though…a couple things to know; one, it can feel really…like you’re the only person going through something, and that may be the case.  I may not know exactly what you’re going through, but if I can’t relate to how it feels, someone out there that’s listening right now probably can, that knows how it feels.  That’s why we call it the deep, dark night.  So, that’s one thing.

 

The reason I make this show and that it comes out twice a week is because you deserve a good night’s sleep.  You deserve a place you could rest, a bedtime you could look forward to or at least feel neutral about.  ‘Cause if you’re like me and all the other people listening, maybe you’ve developed a bedtime relationship that’s unlike what I described.  Those are skills I had to slowly learn.  Most of the time I’d be like Chicken Little running around, and that’s the mild version.  I’d just be like, I’m never…and that was every single night, not even when my routine was disrupted.  I did not have…for most of my life, I have not had…I’ve started thinking about going to sleep on Sunday night and dreading that on Friday evening.  So, if you’ve ever had or you have a relationship with sleep like that, we can relate.

 

That’s why I make the show, is because you deserve a good night’s sleep.  You deserve the rest you need so your life is manageable, so that you could flourish, and if that happens, your life’s better, our whole world is better.  We need you, really.  We need you out there being you.  It’s the truth.  There’s a lot of people nodding their sleepy little heads right now along with me.  Regular listeners, thank you for participating.  We need you rested.  We want you to get the rest you need and deserve, and we want you to feel less alone in the deep, dark night.  So, those are the reasons I make the show; I know how it feels and I truly believe you deserve a place you can get some rest.  Now, this might not be for everybody.

 

There’s hundreds of thousands of people listening right now that it took two or three tries for them to get used to the show.  They did not like the podcast on their first or second listen and they said holy cow, I don’t like this show, or it doesn’t put me to sleep, or what is this?  It takes some getting used to, so give it a few tries and see how it goes.  If you already dislike me and the podcast, that’s totally cool.  There’s a ton of other sleep podcasts I have listed at sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou, so check those out.  But what I’m gonna do here is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night.  I’m already in the process of doing that, technically.  I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones.  Oh, so creaky are my dulcet tones.  I don’t know what that girl with the porridge would say.  Was that Goldilocks?

 

She’d say oh, this voice is too creaky and this voice is not creaky enough.  Your voice is just…it’s…oh, there’s someone that’s creaky.  I guess that’s what you say…can you describe creaky, dulcet in Goldilocks terms ineffectively?  I say, you got…with…as long as you put that last part in, you got it.  I think she says stuff…she uses those…what are those, adjectives or adverbs or something.  Modify…?  I don’t know.  Those are word modifiers, maybe?  I don’t know.  But she would say well, this bed’s too dulcet.  It sounds like angels are humming or something, and this one’s too creaky.  It sounds like I’m…I don’t know, it’s just creaking me out, man.  But this one, it’s creaky and…it’s just creaky and it’s just dulcet.  It’s a difference…not traditionally soothing.  So creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, and superfluous tangents.

 

You’ve seen those.  I try to talk about something, describe my own podcast; next thing you know, I’ve made…I think…I guess I gotta make some porridge.  I always think about…whenever I think about Goldilocks…I think I visited one of my siblings’ schools once.  This was pre-K or whatever and they had porridge.  I said, this is it, this is…and I’ve…you say what moments have you tried to get back to in your life?  I say, that moment is one of them, when I was having porridge and I was like, this is it.  This is like…this is as good as…this is what life’s all about.  I don’t even remember if…what the porridge tasted like or the consistency, but it was like crossing over a threshold from reality into fiction.

 

Been chasing that porridge my whole life, but not actually…actually, that’s overstating the terms; waiting for my porridge to come, instead of chasing porridge.  I guess I should have been chasing porridge my whole life.  Now, people in the UK or in porridge-based areas are saying well, just come over here.  We got it.  Also, you call it this…you probably had it five times in the last…oh, really?  I didn’t know porridge is so much…talk about romanticizing breakfast grains, slowly cooked ‘til they’re mushy.  But I want mine just right.  You say…that would be the thing.  I mean, that’s what I know.  That’s why you hear a slight amusement…if someone presented me a porridge in the present day, I’d say oh, well, this isn’t it.

 

It’s not like that porridge in my…The Porridge in My Mind, The Porridge That Is My Mind, The Boy That Chased Porridge; so many chapters in my autobiography.  But really, it’d be The Boy Waiting for His Porridge Day, Waiting for the Porridge to Come.  So anyway, I’m glad you’re here.  I go off-topic, I get mixed up, because my job is to take your mind off of stuff and keep you company.  Believe it or not, this is a podcast you don’t really listen to, though you can.  So, it’s kind of a podcast that…as you become a regular listener, you say oh, okay; he’s talking about Goldilocks and porridge again.  There he goes; never heard him talk about it like this, but he’s probably tried to…there goes old Scoots, off on a pointless meander and a superfluous tangent.

 

That’s a regular…and say, I could kinda listen ‘cause he’s kinda making sense.  I’ve had some similar experiences, but they’re…they weren’t really fundamental ones, so I could just…and some people turn me all the way down to a mumble.  So, just kinda listen like I’m out of focus a little bit.  Also, I’m not here to put you to sleep; I’m here to keep you company while you fall asleep, to be your bore-friend, your bore-bae, your bore-sib, your bore-bud, your neigh-bore, your bore-bor, your bore-bestie, your bore-friend, to be your friend in the deep, dark night, to keep you company.  If you can’t sleep, I’m gonna be here to the very end.  I got a forty-five, fifty-five-minute episodically modular episode coming here that’s full of even more pointless meanders and superfluous ten…tangents…tengents, and friendly characters trying to solve problems in a way that doesn’t make any sense.

 

Just like if someone was reading schematics, that would be too boring, in my opinion, for me.  But if they got distracted while they were reading the schematics and then you say…here’s another form of art I could maybe one day…schematic fanfiction.  Maybe…is that how…’cause I’ve…that’s one of the things I look for in…I say, if…that’s one of the jokes when I used to do online dating.  I’d say, oh…I’d make a plumb bob joke if I…those are the only joke I had, and only was…only worked on people whose profile…their positions…they had some involvement with a plumb bob.  But maybe I could put that; writer of schematic fanfiction.  You say oh boy, this elevator…you know, that’s…one day, when I retire, that’s what I’ll be doing.  No I won't, because I don’t follow through on that kinda stuff.  I wish I did.  Somebody remind me.

 

We could do that.  I guess technically Journey Into the Land of Tomorrow was a little bit of schematic fanfiction, so there you go.  It’s been done before, as they say.  So, what was my point?  Oh yeah, so I’ll be here whether you’re awake or asleep.  No pressure to fall asleep, no pressure to listen.  I’m here to keep you company in the deep, dark night.  Structure of the show also throws new people off, understandably.  This show is a podcast, so it just goes out, so you can adjust how you listen.  But for most people, I’ll kinda explain why the show’s structured the way it is and how to listen.  But you could kinda discover it as you become a regular listener.  Show starts off with a friendly greeting so you feel seen and welcome.

 

Then there’s support for the show so it can be free, and then support for listeners and the communities around the show.  Then there’s the intro, which is separate from the support and the sponsor stuff, and it’s where I go on and on and on and I get mixed up and I introduce the show inefficiently.  So, as a new listener, you say okay, I’m getting a general sense of this.  As a regular listener it’s different every single time, but it follows a similar structure.  So, it’s friendly and familiar, but your brain and whatever’s keeping you awake can’t adjust.  But it’s also about ten to twenty minutes long to ease you into bedtime, to give you a buffer between the day and falling asleep, to be a part of your wind-down routine.  Now, there are people that skip the intro.

 

There’s a couple percentage of people that fall asleep during the intro, but for most listeners, they’re winding down or getting comfortable while they’re listening to the intro of the show.  It’s easing them into bedtime.  So, that’s the intro, then there’s support for the show again so it could be free, and then there’s our episodically modular story, Nuns in Space.  It’ll be a nice little bedtime story.  Then there’s some thank-yous at the end of the show.  So, that’s the structure of the show, that’s why I make the show.  I’m really glad you’re here.  I really hope I can help you fall asleep.  I really work hard, I yearn and I strive, so thanks again for coming by, and here’s a couple of ways we’re able to do this for you for free twice a week.

 

Hey everybody, it’s time for our episodically modular series, Nuns in Space.  It’s got a touch of seriality, but not right now.  We’re fully episodically modular with the details being filled in now, and ideally by the characters, if they’re listening, they could do me a huge favor and fill in…or double fill in.  But episodically modular means you can listen to these episodes in any order, and then the ones you’re listening to that have numbers less than the number of this episode, which I don’t even know…maybe this is 6, so if you listen to 5 after 6 or 3 after 6, you say okay, it’s a prequel or whatever.  It’s just one way to look at it.  The reason I do this, so you can listen to it in any order.  You don’t gotta worry.  I’m gonna tell you everything you need to know.  So glad you’re here.

 

So, Nuns in…Nuns in Place…the nuns are in a place; outer space.  They’re in the cockpit of a spaceship, piloting the spaceship to an unknown destination, on a mission; mission unknown, but they’re very focused on that.  They are not the main characters, though.  The main characters are a sentient soda machine named Stan, and you say oh, was that Pinocchio that granted the blue angel or whatever?  No; Stan was a android…is a sentient being in the form of the…yeah, a sentient being in the form of a freestyle soda machine.  You say okay, was that the other way, like a bubbling cauldron and Stan went into…took a carrot from the bubbling cauldron owner’s field?  No; Stan is a digital-based…DBB?  Digital-based being, maybe?  I don’t know.  This is outside of my pay grade.

 

Stan is similar to what you would say…let’s say you got BB-8 or R2.  I don’t know if those two have free will.  I really don’t know.  I’d have to rewatch all the movies and take about 5,000 courses, retake them, and have a better understanding.  There’s a question I really don’t know the answer to, and I don’t know if we should be even delving…does BB-8 have free will?  Can you imagine sitting around and you’re in the…I say, you know what?  I really wish I was a cube, or a tube with a dome, whatever that thing’s called that R2 was.  I don’t want to be a sphere anymore with…but you have a head…you have a…you’re a sphere with a head, actually, BB-8.  You know what?  After listening to your podcast, I’d prefer to be known as BB-88.  I said, let’s start there.  We can both agree on that.  But I don’t know.

 

But Stan does have free will and consciousness, and Stan also has the illusion of free will and unsure which one is which, ‘cause…oh boy, this is as sleepy as it gets here, folks, trying to navigate this stuff, and Stan and his sidekick and best friend Scooter are trying to navigate outer space.  Now, they’re not together; Scooter is on the spaceship with the nuns from his childhood.  Those are the nuns in space.  He’s the only crew member on their ship.  He’s sworn to do whatever they say, to be of service to them as their crew member.  But he also is the only one that’s retaining knowledge episode after episode, that they’re all caught in a loop somehow, somewhere.  After each loop, they kinda forget everything.

 

Scooter mostly remembers everything, and any forgetfulness could probably be more attributed to the computer…to the…to Scooter, not the computer or the story.  But Scooter knows that one, a couple things happen every episode; Stan just comes to awareness in the middle of some issue on…somewhere in outer space, outside of the nuns’ ship.  Stan has incredibly cosmic, demigod-like powers that are…have yet to be explained.  Somehow they’re related to delusion, and Stan, normally in all…as all procedurals go, is in the middle…is somewhere where there’s an issue that needs to be resolved in a procedural manner.

 

I don’t know if this is technically a procedural, because if you…if you’re relying on someone that makes the show that’s…it’s still following a step, even if it’s a…this is the…it’s a procedural with a different procedure every time, but we just need to go take this crosswalk across the street.  Right, but there’s…I’m sure I could do 2,000 episodes about that before it gets repetitive.  So, Stan is on a planet, basically, trying to help…I mean, the planet’s a simplified version.  Trying to help everybody fix something.  Like, for example…oh, there’s a vase that got broke.  Okay, a couple options to fix it; tell somebody it broke and say oh well, glue it together, get a new vase, but it’s more than that, so I can talk about it for fifty minutes or forty-five minutes.

 

But Stan also needs his best friend and sidekick’s help, Scooter, so Scooter’s found that when he helps the nuns on the ship, it gives…it somehow portals him to Stan.  Then he’s able to help Stan resolve Stan’s issues on…or Stan’s helping other people resolve their issues, but then the whole process restarts again for everybody’s benefit; in space, at bedtime, and you know who resolves my rambling on about episodically modular episodes, is our Hollywood announcer, Mr. Antonio Banderas.  The friends beyond the binary, the ladies, the gentlemen, the boys, the girls, it’s time for Nuns in Space.  Yeah.  [SWOOSHING NOISE] Yeah.  Thanks, Antonio.  Professional as always.  Looking forward to you being quiet and…you being silent, quiet, and motionless for…but you’ve actually agreed to go somewhere.

 

But now I’m feeling a need to have you nearby.  I didn’t realize you were my comfort…not only are you comforting, but you’re my comfort Antonio.  I don’t have any other Antonios but if I did, they would…they’d…they wouldn’t be…I don’t know…I can’t predict…but right now, even if I had a variety of other Antonios that I had…roles in my life, you would be my comfort Antonio, and Banderases, you know.  Same thing.  Thank you, Scooter.  I’ll stay here, then, silent, motionless, and quiet, the best I can.  If you could do…but when proving each time…you say do the best I can, improving though…so, you’re gonna do the best you can, which ideally would be…if we’re talking about improvement, ideally would be better than last time, but could be worse than last time on the path to being better than…so, that’s fine.

 

I mean, ideally it’s not fine, but it’d be great if one of the…this would be one of those times you’re like…you make a huge leap forward in silence.  But you’ve definitely been doing that, without a doubt, most of the time, with some setbacks.  Like, you’re…the fact that you make angels sigh and your hair makes a twinkling sound and you make people feel something that’s audible and your jaw also creaks.  Not audibly, but again…I think this is another thing I’ve been made aware of, is in The Hague, you’re…I don’t know what a square jaw means, so I don’t even know if you have a square jaw.  But when you do something with your jaw naturally, all the people in The Hague or whatever, their job is…measures straight lines and how much is a gram, what’s the density of this thingamajig.

 

They all…they do something with their shoulders where their shoulders relax and they come into awareness that somewhere out there, there’s an idealized jaw.  They don’t realize…here’s the thing; anybody from The Hague listening, we could get…can we get Ant…maybe we…I can’t even…maybe it’s just good that you’re aware, because you can’t have Antonio.  My comfort Antonio, and he’s got a life to live, but just so you know, with all that other stuff…also, you’ve never asked…I mean, I know I would deny it, but my hair is a straight line, I think.  So, anyway, that’s Mr. Antonio Banderas.  This is Nuns in Space, everybody.

 

Okay pen pal, it’s me, Stan.  Scooter, if you’re listening, I’m gonna go back through everything, so please listen to this carefully, because this…there’s a lot to absorb, Scooter, and it might be…you may need to draw some pictures or just get here visually to see everything.  Oh, by the way, looking on the bright side, I’m in a…I’m equidistance…well, I…right now, unfortunately, I am equidistance between…equidistant between two black holes in outer space, obviously.  But most of the time and even now, I’m having to adjust my position.  So, I’m not perfectly equidistant from two black holes, but I’m in…near the equi…point of equidistance.  You’d say oh, it’s perfectly…no, they have slightly different gravitational pulls, pen pal.  But all that’s measurable, but not important.

 

Here’s the thing, pen pal; I have all these…the…oh boy.  What was…is…the thing…oh, like a marionette, pen pal.  I’m a bit…I’m connected to all of these planets, but this is where it gets different, pen pal.  All the planets are shaped…if you were to put it like…shaped like…not a oval.  Well, kind of like an oval with a hole in the middle, but they’re all interlinked, so they all look like links of a chain, pen pal.  But I’m not with them; I’m at a distance with them, because I am on what you would call a counterweight.  I’m not just on it, pen pal; I’m a part of it because I’m having to move it at all times and readjust everything.  Here’s the thing; all of a sudden I woke…or, I don’t remember waking up, but I knew I was connected to all of the links…nine planet…linked planets.  They’re separate planets, but they’re interlinked.

 

Good question, pen pal, one to one or one to two…they’re not all linked together, but they all are linked together, just like a…they’re a chain.  So, there is one on each end.  Now, this has all made things incredibly difficult, pen pal, because on top of all that…and I’ve been…again, because I’m at a distance, I’m unable to totally…the planets are able to communicate to me through the cables, but I’m at a pretty big distance, and because of the…not every…not all my sensors are working correctly because there’s two gigantic black holes pulling at us at all times.  Now, we’re at a distance from those, but they’re pulling us in opposite directions.  Okay, here’s the thing, pen pal; if everything was going perfect, and that’s kinda what I thought was happening when I first remember everything…I’m on a counterweight or I am a counterweight, which you could just imagine is a big block.

 

The big block has nine long ropes, we’ll say.  Even though each one goes to one planet, all nine planets are interlinked.  Ideally…well, it doesn’t…I guess it never seemed like it was working, ‘cause I’ve had to use some rockets and solar…solar sails have worked really good.  But what I think…what I was trying to do…well, here’s the thing; I couldn’t figure out where the problem started, maybe before I remember.  But so, I would be pulled into one black hole and then my links…my ropes to the chain link planets, they’re being pulled into an opposite black hole, but we’re all linked.  So then you get…you…I was trying to get everything to a point where we were being pulled equally in both directions so we’d be at stasis.

 

I think I almost had that figured out; it’s just there’s…everybody has to relax a little bit, and these planets are unable to relax.  I don’t know if it’s the residents of the planets or the planets themselves are sentient beings.  I’m pretty sure both, but they’re able to communicate with me and they have strong opinions about one another in particular…about one another in particular.  So, I’ve had to…’cause I said to them after…first I said oh wait, this is…oh, these vibrations are actually a attempt to communicate with me that are coming through the line…that are coming through the rope, because it’s too far to communicate.  I’m trying to put it all in a picture you could put in your…in case Scooter’s listening, I should probably even go simpler.  But I think that’s it.  We’re trying to balance one another.

 

Then I realized they all wanted me to do stuff, because none of them get along.  They say wow, why do I…I’ve been next…I’ve been in-between these two links.  I said for…haven’t you always been in-between those two links?  Well, I’m sick of it.  I said…and so, they would try to move around, and then that would throw…I said well, I just recalculated everything and readjusted everything, and now we’re gonna slowly drift out of alignment.  I need you to just relax and for all the links to be spread out.  So, then I said okay, can we just…but they won't talk…they can’t…I don’t know if they can’t talk to one another, but they only talk to me, and I talk to each one of them, and then I talk…and I tried sending out one thing to everybody and they said no, no…I’m link…you know, they said oh, I like being called Link 8 or whatever.

 

That they could agree on.  So then I said okay, let’s…let me find something.  So first…the first thing we tried was that they wouldn’t touch one another, so I…then I said okay, well, I can kinda pull on each rope and get you all in a place in the weightlessness of space or whatever.  I think I can calculate that so none of you are touching one another, but we’re still in…and that was extremely difficult, pen pal.  Probably not sustainable.  The good news is, before it was shown to be unsustainable or incalculable, we tried it and they didn’t like it, because then they said you know what I’m really tired of, is that ring’s always in the center and I’m always on the end or I’m always in the middle.

 

So, then I recalculated that; I said okay, so you don’t want to touch yourselves, but you want to also rotate around in a way…and again, I ran a…my calculate…ability to calculate and to…so I said okay, let me run some simulations, let me take…and I said okay, I think we could do this ‘cause I can’t find a way to interlink all of you.  But I said I think I can find a way, like a puzzle, pen pal, to get everyone…to have a turn at the center in a way that would be…but here’s the thing; we tried it.  That did not work, pen pal.  Now, to put it…huh, you’d…everything is all knotted up.  I kinda…I feel like I would say…between you and me, pen pal, I pulled a Scooter, because what happened was the…that…they didn’t get along.

 

I thought they would, then they started moving…they got…so, they knotted…all my ropes are knotted, and they’re…all the chains are knotted together, and they keep pulling and pulling and getting tighter and tighter.  I say well, if you just…and because they’re links…I don’t know.  So, everything’s knotted up.  Then I said well…and I have to keep the counterbalance, so I can’t go any closer to help, because I tried figuring that out or building rockets on this…if I tried to do anything, then we’ll just drift very quickly because of all the mass we have, and then we’ll all go into one of the…and then I’ll never find Scooter, and also, I know…I’m 99…well, I’m pretty certain that these particular black holes, at least, will not end up going to Candyland universe or something.  They’re not portals.

 

So, I can’t leave this…I really could use some help, Scooter, and I really could use some help.  I really could use some…Stan?  Stan?  Oh, boy.  Wow Stan, I was just having a dream that you were…that you could clench…you could make a noise with your jaw and that it was very, very loud, and you were also doing it with your feet.  It was not a…oh, yeah Sisters, I’ll be right up.  Okay, Sisters.  Oh yeah, I’m here in the cockpit.  Okay, so, you Sisters are very focused, but I can see some blinking lights and hear some more loud noises.  Okay, so some of the temperatures are off down in the engine room.  Okay, so what do you need me to do?  Oh, get them correct temperatures.  Okay.  So, go down to the engine room and see…okay, I got it, Sisters.  I’ll be right…like, you focus on the mission; correct.

 

Okay, so I…hey, pen pal, it’s me, Scooter.  Was having a dream about Stan and then the nuns called me in.  Looks like there’s some temperature settings off in the engine room.  Okay, so…oh yeah, there’s two panels that are blinking here.  Okay, this is not ideal because one panel is just blinking too hot and one panel’s blinking too cold, and there’s conduits.  That’s another word for pipe, pen pal.  I learned that one from working with the Sisters here.  Going into each panel, and one says too hot, one says too cold.  Hm.  Now, let me…you  know what I’ve learned, is the…measure once…measure, measure, or something.  So, I’m gonna go into the…yeah, they got one here; it’s a…one of these laser thermometers or whatever.  Oh wait; now below…now they get closer to the panels.

 

Oh, I can feel some heat coming off of this one.  The too hot and the too cold…oh yeah, there’s some cool…they both say ideal temperature 98.6?  That sounds familiar.  Okay, so I’m gonna take the temperature of the one that says it’s too hot.  Okay, 110, and that’s set to the temperature I understand.  It knows when you touch it.  Okay.  The other one’s set to 30.  So, too…30’s too cold for that one, and 110 is too hot for that one.  Let me just look on my personal digital device.  Okay, so both of those are within the range of human…okay, so if I…oh boy, that does feel hot though, even though it’s not…it’s…and that one does feel cold.  Okay, so they’re definitely hot and cold, like yesterday’s…like that song.

 

Oh, and hey pen pal, so I know I gotta figure this out, and then it’ll help the nuns on their mission, which is my requirement as a…oh, hi, Sister.  Yeah, I’m working on it.  I’ve determined that one panel’s too hot and one panel’s too cold.  No, no; I’ve also determined that their ideal temperatures are 98.6 on your FM dial, Sister.  Why don’t you tune into 98.6?  It’s all covers of that song, Hot and Cold, or something like it.  Oh, Sister’s gone.  Okay.  So, as far as I can tell…wait a second, 98 point…hold on a second; that’s my…okay, no.  Well, I’m 90…oh, no; I’m 98.6.  Knew that was familiar.  Oh boy.  Finally got…I finally scored a normal on this digital thermometer.  Okay, so let me look at this.  One is too hot; one’s too cold.  There’s pipes going in and then pipes coming out, and it says in and out.

 

Oh yeah, take the…okay, so one going in is the same temperature, and the one going out’s the same temperature, and the…okay.  Huh.  I wish…I mean, I could follow these, but the only thing is…that this reminds me of, pen pal, is an experiment where you put one hand on one thing and one hand on the other thing at a children’s science museum that I attended last year and I don’t even remember anything.  But I thought it was like, if you put your hand on a cold thing and your hand on a hot thing that’s not too hot or not too cold but obviously too cold for the sensors…maybe this is just a situation…oh yeah, maybe I should…oh okay, I guess these things…I didn’t even realize there was these even smaller instructions.

 

Those panels are supposed to regulate the temperature, but they can only regulate it…oh, these…so, I think it’s just a matter of these just need to be reset.  Such a simple problem.  So, my only thought was, if I hold onto both of these…I think it makes you have to go…so let me use the restroom, and…don’t worry, I have a restroom filter on this device, pen pal, so you couldn’t even…and I was only…just in case when I touch both pipes, I decide…my body decides it has to go; now I’m…I don’t have anything to go with.  I mean, I don’t mean it like that; I don’t have anything…no more liquid ready to release.  So, I’m gonna touch both of these and I’m gonna hold both of them, and what’ll happen, pen pal…my theory is that I may have to pee.  That’s taken care of.

 

Two, I think it makes you feel the opposite or something like that.  I can’t even remember that part.  Four, if I hold onto both of them, eventually they…at least the…at least the part I’m touching will get close to 98.6 on the FM dial.  Radio Nightwater; 98.6 on the FM dial.  WRNW or whatever it was.  So, I’m gonna do that, but also I think that’s what’ll…oh boy, okay, here I’m…go.  Okay, that is cold, but not freezing cold.  That one is warm, or hot, but not burning hot.  Oh yeah, the temperatures are changing, pen pal, and I’m crossing my legs even though I already…oh boy.  Okay, now I’m hearing Stan’s pen pal message.  It’s going right in…oh, hey…hey, Scooter.  Hey, Stan.  Oh boy, what’s that noise?  Scooter, what do you mean?

 

There’s a scraping noise coming across…I didn’t think…where are we, Stan?  Oh, okay; no, I remember now.  Scooter, yeah, did you get my pen pal message?  On the way here, Stan, I did get your pen pal message.  So, you’re like something like…you’re like a mascot or something, Stan, huh?  What do you mean, Scooter?  You’re like a mas…you’re using those masquerade puppets or…what…mandolins…Mandalorian…a puppeteer, like…why can’t I think of the name?  Scooter, it’s marionettes, but those are the…yeah, Scooter.  But with only chain-link planets that are very opinionated, Scooter.  Okay, and you’re also a counterbalance or a counterweight, Stan.  I did see that in my mind coming in.  It was like you’re on a big obelisk, almost.  Scooter, it’s below me, so I don’t really have…Scooter, I have to…I’ve been focusing very much.

 

Still am.  No, Stan, I’m not…I realize you’re in a tough spot, and I just think that this noise is really…Scooter, I’ve filtered out those noises.  Okay, well…Scooter, did you know I gave you a…did you realize you’re in a spacesuit?  Oh no; thanks, Stan.  This looks like a…are these…is this a spacesuit made to look like Underoos?  Scooter, it is.  Jana and Jaina Underoos.  Wow, thanks, Stan.  This is great.  I wish I had the powers of Jana and Jaina, though out there it wouldn’t do any good.  Scooter, I…it may not do you any good anyway, unless you could be like a seal with a bucket of water or whatever.  Yeah, and then the seal would throw the water and then someone…okay, so…okay, the noise is still bothering me, even…my spacesuit…Scooter, your spacesuit can’t filter it out, no.  Do I have rockets in my spacesuit?  Scooter, you do.  Okay.

 

Whoa, whoa whoa.  Scooter, what is it?  So, the…all those chains are knotted up there, and they’re pulling into that black hole.  You know what, Stan?  I’m getting a sense that this stuff you described as rope…it’s like, what in the name of Kim Stanley Robinson?  Scooter, how long did it take you to think of that one?  I thought of it on the…when I was coming here.  But this does look like elevate…a space elevator cable made from the obelisk below, Stan.  Scooter, what are you saying?  I’m just saying it’s not rope; it’s like space…I think it’s…well, maybe it’s not.  Here, Stan; I’ll be right back.  I’m gonna shoot off into space.  Scooter, don’t worry; I can…that’s a great idea.  I’ll tether you to the counterweight so you don’t…but with my own tether; not…oh thanks, like a nano-tether?  Scooter, exactly.

 

I think that’s what they made space elevator cable out of.  Okay Scooter, but all my space elevator cable’s knotted up with things.  Also Scooter, I’ve calculated that I can’t sustain this for much longer, so this is one of those situations that we actually get…need your help.  I haven’t been able to scan the planets because of the distance and the black holes, and they…the planets seem to speak for them…they…very have…they’re…they have each distinct, unique voice.  Okay, Stan.  I’ll be back.  Okay, so Stan, can you…can I communicate with you through this tether?  Scooter, you can.  You’re communicating with me now.  Okay, so now that I’m getting some distance…huh, it’s a lot quieter out here, but it’s still…that sound is all of the chains or the…I’m gonna call the planets chains for now.

 

Scooter, that’s what I was calling them, but individually.  Oh yeah, but it’s one big chain.  But they’re all scraping together.  Yeah, Scooter, they don’t like that.  That was my first solution, was to have them not touch one another so that each just…I did find that balance, but then they didn’t…they couldn’t…they were just arguing amongst one another.  Okay, Stan.  I’m noticing…huh, did you ever…when the…when they were stretched out, did you track the distance of them?  Scooter, what do you mean?  Well, I’m just wondering if they were…so, they were stretched across one way; that’s…and then you were counterbalancing them in the black hole, but it took a lot of calculation, right, Stan?  Scooter, correct.  At another point…I don’t…I’m just wondering if that was a…that was just what…you came into existence.

 

I’m wondering if the natural state of things is that they were supposed to be stretched between the black holes.  Is it possible for a…I don’t know, this might not be the…mineral and organic planets, planetoids shaped like a chain to be in balance among the black holes?  It’s a good question, Scooter.  I don’t know, because I don’t know what’s going on on the planets.  Yeah, we’re at a distance and the size of the black holes make it impossible to see any perspective at all.  But just the perspective of me further away makes me think that maybe they were stretched in-between the black holes and your counterbalance…so, just even at a distance, Stan, your counterbalance platform you’re on is very, very shiny.  Okay, Scooter.  What do you mean?  Well, there’s no…nothing org…it’s very smooth, but it’s…I don’t know.

 

It’s geometric.  Scooter, chains are geometric, too.  Yeah, but Stan, I’m looking at them and they look more natural.  Yours looks unnatural.  Okay, Scooter.  So, what do you think I should do?  Let me go look at the planets up close.  Can you tether me and I can…?  Scooter, go ahead.  You have very powerful rockets on your Underoos.  Oh wow, yeah.  Okay, I’m getting closer, Stan.  I’m already seeing…I didn’t realize…I like how you built in binoculars into my spacesuit.  Scooter, they’re not technically binoculars, but that’s fine.  How about some Binaca?  Any Binaca in here?  Scooter, what’s Binaca?  It’s a breath spray that used to exist.  I don’t know.  Scooter, no, there’s no breath spray in your spacesuit.  That would be counterintuitive for a spacesuit designer.  Should I put…?

 

No, no, no; I don’t think I can…I think it probably isn’t for me.  Okay, Scooter.  Anyway…okay, so these are all…you know what’s on my to-do list to read is Ringworld, but I haven’t read it yet.  Okay, Scooter.  But isn’t that a fiction?  Yeah, but so, these aren’t technically Ringworlds, Stan; these are chain-link worlds.  These are gigantic planets.  Okay, Scooter.  They’re mostly…and I can see on the interiors, even though I’m pretty far away, that…oh Scooter, I can see now through your binoculars.  Yeah, so see how the organic…Scooter, those are legitimate planets, or one…well, I guess it’s not one planet.  But yeah, those are worlds, Stan.  But let me come back, ‘cause I’m not sure what to do.  Okay.  Hey Scooter, it’s good to have you back here.  Yeah, thanks for this awesome spacesuit.  I’m very fast.

 

Let’s see, what else can we notice, Stan?  Is there anything else you’ve noticed since you’ve been here?  Whoa boy, what’s that coming at us?  Oh Scooter, don’t worry; that’s just space debris.  Eventually it’ll be sucked into one of the two black holes.  Okay, but that looks like organic space debris, Stan.  Oh Scooter, you’re right; it does.  Huh, and it’s…well Scooter, it’s slowed down because then it’ll slow down…it’s kinda like a stream, and then it’ll decide which black hole it’s closer to, and then it’ll go…eventually slowly go there like a balloon floating away.  Okay.  Here’s the thing, Stan; that doesn’t make any sense.  Scooter, what do you mean?  I don’t know.  We’re missing something, but that…I mean, I guess it…that looks like something blue.

 

I hate to ask this ‘cause it’s always speculated on, but in…if we…if you go into one of those black holes, what’ll happen?  Will we be in the multiverse?  Scooter, no.  I can’t be 100% certain, but I’m pretty certain that these black holes…that there’s a lot of friction that would be generated, and…on entering them, and there would be so much friction generated on entering them that it would cause big farm…the matter would become another matter, but it wouldn’t be a matter that could have sentience.  Okay.  Is that with all black holes, Stan?  Scooter, it’s just what I’ve observed here, and…I don’t know.  Just for these particular two only that I know about right now in our discussion at this moment.  Okay.  So, here’s what we have so far, Stan; right now you’re a hero.

 

You’re holding these grouchy chain-link planets that either have some sort of central leader or the planet itself is also a sentient, organic being…hosting sentient organic beings.  Totally normal.  The sentient part or consciousness part’s new, but we don’t even know that, right?  We just know there’s organic matter on those planets.  But right now they’re caught up in a thing, and that none…no…nothing with an ounce of self-preservation or instinctual…evolution instinct or whatever you want to call it, Stan, would want to just get…float into a black hole if it’s highly likely you’ll be big farmed, right?  Scooter, correct.  Then there’s other organic matter coming into the area, or I’m just using that in a term for my understanding, Stan.  Scooter, I’ve accepted when you speak that that’s what you’re understanding.  Or…yeah, Scooter.

 

That matters also going or trying to avoid, probably…or hoping it could avoid, or maybe just having wishful thinking.  It doesn’t have you to say oh, when we get to that black hole…I guess you could…I can sense it in my gut.  Otherwise I would have tried to fly into one.  Scooter, you’re correct.  That’s all I have, Stan.  Those are the…okay, Scooter.  So, I’m listening to you, and the first question is we should do something for that one piece of organic matter.  The other ones were inorganic — just so you know, that you’re not questioning my judgments, that I’ve never observed any organic matter coming from space and getting sucked into one of those two black holes, but I haven’t been here forever.  Okay, so we should do something about that, right?

 

Scooter, we should, but I don’t know what we could do, because the mass of that one is too great for you or even your tether and your spacesuit to change their direction.  Okay.  Here’s another question, Stan; did these…huh.  Okay.  Okay, here’s a question, Stan; in the middle of the black hole, there’s gravity, right?  But it’s a gravity provided by either black hole?  Correct, Scooter.  Okay, so I could stand on that…if it was…if…in a fantasy world, I could stand on one of those planets.  Scooter, loosely defined, you could, yeah.  Obvious…so, and the planets themselves are really grouchy, but they were grouchy because as soon as…I don’t know.  Scooter, it’s interesting; so, a couple things I’m coming together from listening to you be confused…okay, good, Stan.

 

One is the noise, which I’ve been…I let myself listen to for a while, and the observation that most of the time, if a chain is pulled taut, that’s how they say…’cause I think you were trying to think of something…that made me think of Ronkonkoma, of what happens when you get…when you go to school, you get taught.  Well, I’m glad my forgetting Ronkonkoma joke…but go ahead, Stan.  So, if a chain is pulled taut, Scooter…Scooter, I’m laughing at a inappropriate time.  I must be…Stan, you’re a full being now.  But it doesn’t make a lot of noise, right, Scooter?  It’s not grinding and irritating.  ‘Cause if you were a organic matter on one of those planets, it would be pretty rough.  Right, Stan.  In your world, Scooter, if there was chain-links and they were…their purpose was to link things and be linked, that would be their purpose, right?

 

You say oh, you’re one of those things so the door doesn’t open too far, or you help our dog stay in the yard.  Now, those will be noisier, but you know what I mean?  Chains are interlinked and their interlinking has a purpose.  Correct, Scooter.  As soon as…now, I was here, and it’s kinda like one of those things…now Scooter, this is just speculation.  Okay, Stan, go ahead and speculate.  I love it.  My speculation is, Scooter, that something about my arrival on this giant counterbalance platform was unnatural and it disrupted the order of things, which was that these chains that you may have pointed out by accident were stretched equidistant in — I’m saying this in a way you could understand — between the two black holes.

 

Now, they would have to use evolution, using your words…your…what you can understand, Scooter, to stay equidistant between the two black holes, but with the mass…it is possible, I think, Scooter.  Okay, so you’re saying these planets evolved somehow to stay equidistant between the black holes, so either the planets themselves are intelligent life, or there’s intelligent life on the planets.  Doesn’t really matter.  Not our job to figure out right now.  Right, Scooter.  Our job is to fix things.  So, they would have a common need to work together, and I came and took away that common need.  By doing that, that’s why…their natural state of things isn’t to be…maybe they have grouchy feelings, if we’re pretending these giant planets are sentient beings or just using that as overview for the sentient beings that exist on each planet.

 

Okay, so…okay, by you taking over some of the…something, they weren’t inter…those interlinked chains were interdependent on one another.  Correct, Scooter.  Okay, and now we’re all in a bit of a mess, and that planet’s…that other organic thing that’s coming, blue-green thing, is…Scooter, correct.  That goes to my last piece of discovery, which was your joke about my ropes, which I know aren’t ropes.  Okay, Stan.  What is it?  You said they look like space elevator cables, Scooter.  Correct.  That made me think that I could make a tether for you, but these are not my tethers.  These are not of my nanos, these cables.  Okay, and…because…and I think that’s why my next level of speculation, Scooter, that I’m communicating to the chain-links right now…one, it seems like they’re moving, Stan.  Yeah, Scooter.

 

I think they had a larger purpose that served their own purpose.  Okay, now you’re losing me.  So, you said what in the name of Kim Stanley…I don’t think Kim Stanley Robinson would be super impressed with this, Scooter, but here deep in outer space, I think that not only did the chain-link planets rely on one another to stay in balance between two giant black holes; that’s just their home, but also the fact that these two giant black holes are pulling things from outer space.  Now, one would say who are you to intervene?  But I was thinking, Scooter, of the…evolution happens slowly.  But then you said oh, intelligent life, and I said wait a second.  So, these cables…one is attached to each planet.  Yeah?  And they’re like Doc Oc, Scooter, from those movies of the web-based superhero?  Yeah, yeah?  They’re like that.

 

They’re maniputible.  That’s how I was able to control things and move the planets around.  Okay, Stan.  What are you getting at?  Well Scooter, they’re all attached to this obelisk I’m on, right?  Yeah.  So, I’m thinking that the…having…they had one purpose that was kind of like hey, let’s all work together, the nine of us, so we don’t all end up big farmed, and let’s just consider this our home and we’re interdependent.  But that’s…sometimes that’s just…with non-humans, a lot of times, that just goes unsaid.  Okay, so their normal, natural order of things was to be interdependent and stay…yeah, I think I understand that part.

 

Okay Scooter, but at some point maybe long, long ago, I don’t know, they needed…they became aware of something, but also in their awareness they realized we gotta…maybe there was a big event; I don’t know, and they said we need to re-balance things on our planet, faster than evolution.  Okay, so evolution could have been at some point like migration or re…right, Scooter.  You’re right.  They could have moved the chain-links along.  But so, also there could be a greater purpose of saying hey, that’s another organic being floating into our area.  Do we have an obligation to help that being come live on our…one of our planets, but also maybe use that being to re-balance things?  ‘Cause again, they would…everything would happen so slowly, but too fast for normal evolution, at some points.

 

Okay, so you’re saying that these are like grabby arms.  These are elevator…space elevator cables that are grabby arms that could grab something in space that’s headed towards one of the black holes, use it as a counterbalance or bring it to one of the other links, and to help whatever it is.  Let’s just say it’s moss or something.  Scooter, they could…not only could they do that; they could hold it, and now I’m starting to really analyze these…yeah, it’s like…things could travel back and forth.  They could communicate, they could hold it and say okay, in five years, you could come live on one of our planets.  But they could also move stuff from planet to planet.

 

Okay, so you’re saying…and you’re saying to the planets…oh, so what I’m saying, Scooter, is that…and what…I’m sending my nanos, so you’re not gonna be tethered anymore, so you have to hold onto me.  Okay Stan, I’m holding onto you.  Okay Scooter, so I’m going to tell all of the planets to let go at the same time, and hopefully they’ll let go, and then the obelisk will separate.  Okay.  Oh, it just happened.  Okay Scooter, I’m telling them to grab the obelisk again.  So, they were clutching the obelisk.  Stan, this sounds like a level of delusion, and I know you’re not remembering this, but every time I’ve come to see you, we’ve been stuck in the grips of delusion.  Okay Scooter, I’m gonna have to just take a leap and trust you, because we gotta solve this, okay?

 

Okay, so, I’m guessing the obelisk is made from solid delusion, and instead of being in the grips…delusion is in their grips.  Scooter, did you just use that time to make some sort of pun?  No, it’s a fact.  I’m just saying that…oh wow, the…they’re rearranging themselves now that they realize they can control these space elevator cable arms.  Yeah, Scooter, they just grabbed that organic thing and now they’re using it to untangle things, and they’re holding onto this obelisk.  Stan, could you use your jets and my spacesuit and we could push the obelisk towards one of the black holes to re-balance the link…chain-linked planets, and then they could be back, and then they’ll just let us…let the obelisk go.  Scooter, what about us?  There’s something…your…things will take care of itself.

 

We should not go into the black hole, clearly, but the obelisk should, because then it’ll be de-matter…I mean, its matter will become inert, right?  More or less, Scooter.  So, I think, Stan, even though you’re…I think you’ll understand this easier than I am; we’re on a mission to go through space and collect pieces of delusion that are causing a problem.  You’re just not remembering it, so you won't remember this.  Then I show up to help you and then we solve it, and then it starts again.  Okay, Scooter.  It’d be great if…I don’t know what you’ve been doing the last few ones, but if you could show up a little earlier in the process…but I think we could do that.  I just told the planets and they seem…they were sighing, in a sense, but they say oh yeah, okay, that makes sense.  We forgot…they were delusional, too.

 

As soon as they let go of the delusion, it broke it.  So what you’re saying makes sense.  Okay, great.  So, I guess…okay, Scooter, this is gonna take a very long time, though, so why don’t we lie down and rest here on this giant bed of delusion?  Oh, you know what?  I think that’s what resets things, Stan.  As long as I know the delusion’s going and everything’s gonna be fine, yeah; let’s rest.  Scooter, let’s get comfortable.  Yeah, we could cuddle here.  Scooter, I’m gonna put on my own…Scooter, you…I’m gonna be…I’m gonna be the…I’m gonna have Jetsons pajamas.  Okay, and I have my Underoos.  Scooter, did you realize you were…you got Underoos and pajamas mixed up, didn’t you?  Yeah, I didn’t realize that I was flying through space in underwear.

 

I thought…yeah, you’re right.  Oh, it’s okay, Scooter.  Were the chain-link planets laughing at me?  Scooter, they were laughing with you.  I had to explain to them and show them what Jana and Jaina, or…yeah.  Okay.  I think it’s not Jana and Jaina, anyway.  Scooter, it’s not, but I’m just humor…let’s just rest, Scooter.  Okay, I’m a resting puppy with my best friend, Stan.  We’re gonna get some sleep here, and we’ll be back for another adventure soon.  Goodnight, Scooter.  Goodnight, everybody.  Goodnight, pen pal.

 

[END OF RECORDING]

(Transcribed by Leah Hervoly)

Notable Language:

• Porridge-Based Areas (PBAs)
• Equidistant
• Solid Delusion Obelisk

Notable Culture:

• Goldilocks
• Underoos
• Kim Stanley Robinson

Notable Talking Points:

• Romanticizing Breakfast Grains
• I finally scored a normal on this digital thermometer
• Scooter, there’s no breath spray in your space suit