Episode 1324 – Giant Good Bridge | Get Besos in the Sky PI E3
[START OF RECORDING]
SCOOTER: Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s time for the podcaster who’s…I don't know, I’m here to keep you company and take your mind off of stuff. I was trying to think of something silly to say, but I couldn't think of anything silly to say. I’m here to be…I don't know, it’s silly…Silly String. I wonder if I ever told the story of Silly String before. Not good for an intro. I mean, not…it’s kinda sleepy. It’s also bore…it’s also like a five-second thing. But I can't leave you hanging now. But welcome to Sleep With Me. We’re a podcaster…this is…when I’m recording this…I don't know what Silly String’s made of. So, if it’s made from paper, okay, I see that. I haven't really seen it for sale, so I’d have to explain…have you seen Silly…is Sally selling Silly String by the sea shore?
No, Sally sells sarsaparilla…Silly String and sarsaparilla, and tries not to use too much sibilance with Cybill Shepherd somewhere. But I’m also supposed to start a sleep podcast. So, if you’re new, welcome to Sleep With Me. It’s a podcast that’s here to keep you company and take your mind off of stuff so you could fall asleep. I’m not really here to put you to sleep as be at your side while you fall asleep, to be your friend in the deep, dark night. This show is very different, so, it does take some time to get used to, and that’s understandable. So, if you don’t like the show, if this is your first time listening…already you’re like, what is this person talking about? For a lot of people, you may say, what…what is this Silly String? How could string ever be silly? I take…I object. I’d say, you're right.
I don't know why…I guess I under…they didn’t…well, I mean, yarn can be…in a cat’s opinion, string is not silly. It’s tons of fun. Holy cow, is it fun. Oh boy, string, I love it. So…okay, so, maybe I gotta get to this pod…right? I gotta respect your time. I’m here to keep you company and take your mind off of stuff. So, if you’re new, just give this show a few tries. That’s just what most regular listeners…their experience and what they’ve shared. But what we got coming up is sponsors; that’s how we get to put the show out for free, which most people prefer paying…by listening to the ads and not with money. Most people prefer to listen to this ad-supported version linearly, but if you prefer something without ads, you could get it on Sleep With Me+.
Then there will be a long, meandering intro separate from the support where maybe I’ll explain what Silly String is…sarsaparilla-scented Silly String. Scrumptious…it sounds scrumptious. Sorry, I go…something about tongue twisters and scrum…the word ‘scrumptious’ that makes me giggle. But so…oh, what was I saying? You may not like me…oh, so, the intro goes on and on and on and ease you into bedtime, not really designed to put you to sleep. Then there will be a bedtime story later on. I believe it’ll be our episodically modular series. So, this is probably a February episode. Hey, happy February. So, anyway, I’m really glad you’re here.
This show comes out twice a week thanks to the people that support the show directly, support our sponsors, or spread the word about the show. I could not do it without those of you that are the wind in my lulls. You are the wind beneath my lulls. You are…you put the string in…you put the ‘silly’ in…if I was a cat, I’d say, thanks for giving me the ball of string to chase around. Or, do I chase the string? You're the laser pointer to my heart. There’s a February one for you. So, thanks so much, and here’s a couple of the ways, if you haven't heard, that we’re able to do this for you for free twice a week.
INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake. It could be thoughts on your mind, things you’re thinking about, thoughts about the past, the present, the future, thoughts, thinking thoughts about Silly String, thoughts about cats or kitty cats or…then, if your brain’s anything like mine, as soon as you say ‘kitty cat’, then…'cause a lot of people say, what’s going on with that Generation X?
I say, well, here’s one thing that’s going on with us…why are you so distracted? They never say that, but it’s true. I mean, you probably think…I mean, if you’ve never thought about it, you could start thinking about it now. You say, why do you…what was with you being so distracted when you said ‘kitty cat’? I say, well, because of my exposure to billions of jingles and commercials, I had part of a jingle come in about my kitty cat and having some food that they were hungering for. So, yeah, that happened. But yeah, so, those are thoughts. It could be feelings, anything coming up for you emotionally related to the thoughts, feelings that are just there, feelings that are left over or coming in from the past, the present, or the future as well. It could be changes in time, temperature, routine.
So, you could be going through something, you could be in the middle of something, you could be traveling, maybe you have guests, maybe you’re not feeling great, maybe you work a different shift. Whatever it is, the only reason I go through some of that stuff is…I’ve been doing this show a while now, and I don't want you to feel…I mean, I want you to feel seen, but not feel seen like, oh boy…'cause if you relate to me, you say, I’d prefer…like feel seen in…emotionally or on a level…on the good level, not like at a party where you’re like, no, no, I’m trying to be…why is everybody ignoring me? I’m trying to be invisible. I’ve said that before. Say, I’m working so hard…what’s going on with this party? Nobody noticed me because…I can't remember. I said it funnier another time. But you understand what I’m saying.
But whatever it is that’s keeping you awake, the message I want to get out to you is that while I may have not been through the same thing, I can probably relate to some of how it feels, right? Like how it feels for me at bedtime when I can't…trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep, trouble waking up too early, trouble…you know, all those things that I deal with from time to time, it feels a certain way. It doesn't feel the same all the time, but I just want you to know I can probably relate to how you feel. Even if you say, no, I don't think you can, the good news is…and this really is good news. It’s hard to absorb, for me at least, but that there’s somebody listening right now somewhere in the world who can relate to how you feel.
They’ve been through something similar, and not only that; they’re in bed right now, and they’re a regular listener or whatever. They’re not perking up, but they're holding a space for you. Maybe they have a small smile on their face or they're just holding a warming…I don't know, something warm or nice, and they're saying, I’m glad you're here, 'cause I do know how that feels, and I really hope this podcast can help you like it’s helped me, because when I first listened to it, I was like, what is this? Then I realized, oh, okay, I didn’t know I was looking…I didn’t know I was looking for something like this my whole life, but I was, a bore-friend.
So, they're really glad you're here, because we can all agree that you deserve a bedtime where you could get the rest you need, a bedtime without rigmarole, a bedtime that you could look forward to or at least feel neutral about, that you don’t have to start dreading Sunday night on Friday afternoon, like I would. So, I’m really glad you're here. I really hope this podcast can help you so that your life is more manageable and that you could be out there living your life tomorrow a little bit more rested, and maybe if you're getting the sleep you need on a regular basis, you could be flourishing, and that means our world’s a better place to be in. Now, the way this show works is I send my voice across the deep, dark night.
I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, and superfluous tangents, which means my voice is not traditionally soothing, I go off topic, then I get mixed up, then I get…whatever was going on earlier, which we’ll return to. I don't want to say I have a head full of Silly String, but if you…I mean, if you pulled a nine…if you pulled ten cats, they’d say…and they saw me and they could catch my essence, they’d say, that guy’s got…he may have a head full of yarn in there. Not that it would be appropriate for us to play with his head; we understand that because we’re mature cats. We take surveys, obviously. We're not just any cats. We're from the planet Cat Z-44. But we’re doing our best to pretend to be cats. But we just happen to be taking this survey within a sleep podcaster’s imagination.
But yeah, we…nine out of ten of us do agree he does seem like he has a head full of string or yarn. Probably…if it’s string, it’s probably very knotted. If it’s yarn, it kinda depends…I mean, it may just be in there. Again, we got our own…we brought our own yarn to your planet. We call it Yarn X. I know it’s simple, but that’s just what we…that’s the only way we can say it in your…whatever, however you make your words. So…wait a second, is this really happening? Are we taking a cat survey from…? Yeah, it’s happening, but you gotta get back to the sleep podcast. Okay, great. Okay, so, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents, all to keep you company and take your mind off of stuff so you could fall asleep.
So, that’s the first thing that’s very different about this show, is it’s a podcast you just kind of listen to versus paying attention. You could listen to it, but you don’t need to listen to it. So, it could be background noise that you tune into every once in a while or like a TV show you're barely paying attention to or like a friend, and you're like, hey, don’t…didn’t you used to imaginarily survey cats about facts? No, Cats About Fax…that was my podcast, Cats About Fax, fax about cats. It was about cats and faxes. I started it right at the worst…the podcast started; faxes ended. Cats, they're forever, but…I timed the market incorrectly.
So, my podcast about faxing…not about faxing cats; it was about…well, I doesn't matter anymore, 'cause…but it was like, yeah, I would have cats, they would watch faxes come through, they’d play with the fax paper…huh, you’re kidding me. I thought this was a sleep podcast. Oh, it’s…we’re trying. We’re just…pointless meanders and superfluous tangents. So, it’s a podcast you just kinda barely listen to, barely pay attention to, just like your…my imaginary friend who has a podcast about faxes and cats. I could see that, though. I mean, I don't know if cats…I’d have to find out more about what the fax paper is made out of. Probably not good, 'cause it’s got stuff in there. But something like that the cats would like. Maybe if it made a nicer noise. Some of you are already like, I don't know what a fax is. I know what a cat is.
Don’t know what Silly…still don't know what Silly String is, and I thought this was…so, this is the second thing about the podcast; it does take some getting used to, because if you came here, you may have been like, is this…so, it’s a sleep podcast, right? So, it’s gonna be very calming and soothing and he’s gonna count down, and then he’s gonna…we're gonna do some vision…and then it’s gonna be like that. Maybe you heard about this podcast, you're searching for it…so, you can't sleep. So, you’re like me; you're maybe not in…you're like, man, I just want to go to bed. So, this show does take some getting used to, and that’s what the most engaged listeners said; at first I loathed this guy. I mean, he was talking about cats and fax machines and Silly String for like, twenty minutes.
I had no idea…and then on the third try, I realized, oh, he’s serious about this. He’s serious about what doesn't make…when he says the show is always no…going nowhere, always never getting started, he meant it. Then I realized, oh, okay, he really is just here to be my bore-friend, my bore-bud, my bore-sib. So, that takes some getting used to, and some people never…I’d say most people never like me, which is fine. I have a website dedicated to that fact; sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou, because whether you like me or not or whether this podcast helps you or not…I mean, I would say give it two or three tries, but after that…or you may have already decided…that website has other sleep podcasts and sleepy stuff on there so you could get the rest you need either way.
So, those are two things. What else do you need to know? Oh, yeah, this…even though this is a sleep podcast, it doesn't really put you to sleep. There’s no pressure to fall asleep with this show. I’m gonna be here for over an hour, so there’s no pressure to fall asleep. There’s people who are listening who are awake during the day who need a break or who can't sleep at all. So, I’m here to the very end whether you're awake or asleep. I’m here to be your bore-friend, your bore-sib, your bore-bae, your bore-bestie, your neigh-bore, your Borbie, your bores, your bore-bruh, your bore-sib, your best bore-friend f’eva, and keep you company and take your mind off of stuff while you fall asleep.
There’s tons of shows in the podcast archives you could listen to or pick your favorites or whatever, 'cause I’m here to keep you company whether you wake up…I’m here to the very end. It’s kinda what I think works about the show. Whether you're listening to me or not, I’m here doing my job so that you don’t have to listen to me. It’s kind of a…I don't know, is that a paradox? No, that’s two doxes next to one another. Oh, that’s…what is that, cat humor? No. I don't know what it would be for cats, 'cause it would take me too long to…I mean, it would take me two lifetimes to figure out what the joke would be. A pair of ducks, it would be, for cats. They would be looking at them out the window. But that doesn't fit at all.
You coming up…I mean, I feel like you're creating a paradox trying to…okay, so, what else do you need to know? Oh, structure of the show. The show is structured in a very specific way, and it is adjustable, but this is just how most people…it benefits the most amount of people. It starts off with a greeting; friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, so you feel seen and welcomed in, kinda like I talk about. You say, okay, I could check that podcast out. Then there’s a long, meandering…oh no, then there’s support so paying for the podcast is optional. Then there’s a long, meandering intro separate from the support. For most people, the intro does not put them to sleep. They're getting ready for bed, winding down, doing a chill activity, or in bed getting comfortable, and the intro eases you into bedtime.
It’s a buffer between…it’s like the wind-down period. So, the intro is meant to ease you into bedtime. If you prefer to skip the intros, there is a podcast called Bedtime Stories from Sleep With Me that just has our stories. But that’s the intro, and we get to hang out and talk about cats and Silly String, though I don't think Silly…cats and Silly String do not mix. I can tell you that straight up. Okay, so, then after the intro is support, and again, if you think you want something without sponsors, you could get that at Sleep With Me+. But most people say, hey, I’d rather listen to the sponsors and listen for free. Then there’s a story. Tonight…and that’s about forty-five or fifty minutes. Tonight it’ll be our episodically modular series. So, all told, I’ll be here a little bit over an hour.
That’s the structure of the show, and I’ll just finish up telling you…so, Silly String was something…it usually would come in neon colors. It was associated with the autumn season, and it came in a aerosol-type can. You would shake it up and it would spray out a liquid that would turn into a paper-like substance that looked like string, kinda like a streamer, streamer-esque. I don't know, one time, me and my…the first time one of my friends ever came to my house after school, in middle school, I think, we bought a bunch of Silly String at the…some store, like a version of a 99-cent store. Not a 99-cent store, though. Then we sprayed it at my sister and her friend, and literally like, five bottles of it, and made a huge mess. We had to clean it up.
That’s the story. My mom was very surprised by it all, and obviously, she was like, I’m not cleaning this up. So, that’s what Silly String is. You could probably find…I don't know if it still exists, honestly. It probably shouldn't, but it may. So, that’s it. I’m really glad you're here. I work really hard. So do a team of people on this show. So, I really appreciate you coming by. We all yearn and strive, and we really hope we can help you fall asleep. Thanks again for your time, and here’s a couple ways we're able to do it for you twice a week. Thanks.
Alright, hey everybody, this is Scoots here, and this is our episodically modular series, Get Besos. It’s a tale of two best friends and somebody that’s…and a Big Farm in the Sky PI, though this episode will feature the two best friends, Richard Warren, RW, and James Cash, James, both at times in this fictional story which may or may not be a parody or a satire, is…they were titans of retail a long time ago, and then they passed on from the earthly realm, and they started to live in a place call…similar to what you would call purgatory or limbo, a place that’s pretty dull, very beige. At different times throughout the history of Sleep With Me podcast, they’ve had adventures. Oh, sorry, this is a episodically modular series, meaning you could listen to it at any order.
If this is…this is Episode 3, but you could pretend Episodes 1 and 2 are prequels. But I’ll do everything I can to catch you up on this. That’s what I’m doing now just in case…set the stage, eh? Nah, I forgot. So, yeah, they lived in a beige world, a post-earthly…throughout the history…fruout…throughout the history of Sleep With Me podcast, they’ve had a lot of adventures, but it turns out that they're very…or the world is resilient. So, no matter what the adventure they went on and the result, while their actions did have real impact, the universe also kinda is resilient and could…any scratches they left behind, the universe was able to be resilient with those. So, when we caught up with them recently, they were in that beige world.
Richard Warren, Richie, decided…you're not supposed to leave the beige world until you get transferred, an official transfer, and it’s supposed to be really dull. So, you're not allowed to really do anything, either. I guess that includes content consumption. But Richard Warren, he’s a titan of retail. He was not used to following the rules. While they were on this current journey in…or current time in the beige world, he decided…he’d started to catch up on different versions of Les Mis. Not just Les Mis, but he got the idea…we can't quite be sure if he ever thought Javert was real or not, but he came…really came interested in the character Inspector Javert. He decided that if there was a post-earthly realm for people like Javert, he wanted to make sure Inspector Javert was A-OK. I mean, that part’s not even fictionalized fiction.
He said, I really like that Javert, and I don't feel like I liked how…I want his story resolved in a way that’s pleasurable to me and maybe to him. He sent Jiff, Jiff Besos, another titan of retail, a fictional one, who RW has a little bit of jealousy of because he kind of…Richard Warrens feels like Jiff ruined retail forever, and retail…in-person retail. IRL? IRR? In…what is that? In real life, is that what IRL is? In IRLR. I like IRR better; in real retail. IP…in-person retail. IPR, I guess, versus OLR, online retail? You say, as in OR? Well, just…'cause the other one had three letters. So, OLR, online retail. So, could you tell us a sleep podcast? But so, he sent Jiff out scouting. He said, go find Javert, then we’ll find them. So, they sent off…set off, 'cause they weren't supposed to be able to leave.
But like a lot of things, especially with titans of retail, they get to bend the rules. So, him and James got out. Now, James kinda keeps an eye on Richard. So, they got out of the beige world and they headed…James, apparently, hired a PI to also help them, 'cause he…because he didn’t feel like he could rely on Richard Warren to find Jiff, who he had sent ahead, or…if he could find Javert. It turned out it was a bit of a mystery. The Big Farm in the Sky PI, who’s…the mystery for them was to find Javert and Jiff, eventually. Jiff could have been with Javert. Jiff was…well, we don’t know the answer to that yet. But he did track down Javert mostly, and also, Richard Warren…so, he met up with Richard Warren Sears and James Cash Penney at a river named after Styx, the…not the band Styx, but the river the band Styx is named after.
The river with sticks, the old, sticky river. Old Sticky River; yeah, that’s what they call it. The person that runs the ferry that goes across…the skiff that runs across Old Sticky River, everybody’s kind of friends with him. I mean, talk about a friendly guy. So, he was gonna go figure out the last piece of the mystery. But while he left, he said, just stay here. Even if anybody needs to get a ferry ride across the river, don’t do it. Richard Warren Sears didn’t listen, and he sunk his skiff. That’s kinda where we left off. We know…we have a gen…well, so, I may have more information than you that I’ll reveal throughout this episode, but don't worry, I will soon. We will…maybe we will find out where Javert is soon.
But you know who I’ve been wondering where they were, even though they were here and they live in the present moment more than most people…probably why they're so good at their craft…I was saying to myself…because I didn’t tell him this ‘til he sat down here, that…I believe I was on a airplane and I was cycling through the channels when what did my…to my wandering channel-switching eyes did appear but Antonio Banderas in a Spongebob movie. It was at a apex of the movie. I think…I was totally lost 'cause I hadn't seen it before. But I said, whoa, whoa, whoa, is that Antonio Banderas? It was. It was great, too. I’m not…it was really fun. I mean, I didn’t even…I was trying to figure out some of the stuff that was happening, but that was just 'cause I just had switched channels.
So…but without further ado, not only a star of…what is it called when it’s animated and real? He shrugged. He doesn't know. He probably does; he just doesn't want to embarrass me. He’s like…I mean, talk about…can I call you a modern-day Bob Hoskins? No, he said, I can't. Two different people. Yeah, they're not…so, he didn’t mean anything. He just…sorry. Sorry, I didn’t mean to do that to you, Antonio. I put him on the spot. But he’s our Hollywood announcer. He’s here to announce the episode in a style only a Hollywood announcer could from the Greater Los Angeles Area, not just Hollywood. He’s an Angelino, right? Thumbs up, big thumbs up…but not always…in your heart…he just patted his heart. That’s great news, LA…in his heart, at least. I guess that’s kind of like he’s trying to leave himself an out.
If he says, well, I’m not always a greater…I think I’ve called you that, the greater…you're a greater…are you a greater Angelino? But you're not…Angelino’s fine, he said. Okay. Sorry. But so, we gotta…so, this is our Hollywood announcer, Mr. Antonio Banderas. Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s time. Hello, Koa. Hello, everybody. It’s time to Get Besos. Yeah. Can you do that one more time? ‘Cause there was some mouth noise at the end. It’s time to Get Besos. Yeah. That ‘yeah’…there’s still a click. It may be cut, but it might not be cut, 'cause it could be fun for everybody. Yeah. Okay, great. Thanks, Antonio, and this is Get Besos.
Ah, buddy, buddy, buddy, Skiffy, it’s gonna be okay. I know your skiff is not what you wish it was. James, could you take care of this? Sure, sure, sure. Richie, maybe you should leave me…actually, James, we need to go, because we already sent your PI off. Well, yeah, Richie, you were so focused on Javert that I want to make sure we find Jiff, 'cause you gave Jiff that piece of paper with all the places you wanted him to go. I was originally thinking he was only looking for Inspector Javert. James, can you stay out of my business, please? I can't. Okay, James, can you focus on my business, please? Okay. Okay, can you let me talk to Skiffy first, and then we’ll focus on your business? Yes, and I guess I don't have to worry, because now my Big Farm in the Sky PI is looking for Jiff.
James, I don't think that’s the best allocation of our resources. I mean, he needs to be looking for…okay, but he’s my resource. Oh yeah, that’s why he didn’t really help us at all. Okay, thanks, thanks, thanks, Richie. Okay, could you just step over there while I help Skiffy? Sure. That’s fine. Okay, Skiffy, it’s me. Just come over here. I know you lost your skiff. I know you…I don't remember…'cause when the universe kinda re-fixes itself or rearranges itself with resilience, it…I kinda forget. But I’m pretty sure…I’ll just say this 'cause I’m almost positive we’ve lost your skiff before, and I know you don’t have…I know you say me skiff, me skiff. I know, buddy, and I know all these people are waiting to cross the river, and so, it’s creating a backup. You’d think that there’d be another way…but here’s the thing.
Okay, James, James, can you get me a new skiff? Well, yeah. I mean, that’s what I was gonna say. We're gonna go…what we're gonna do…and everybody listening that’s waiting here, don't worry. This is…I mean, look at this view. There’s a lot of…this is a good part of the universe to be in, 'cause people usually have to wait here a little bit. So, yeah, there’s plenty of facilities. As a matter of fact, I didn’t even…wasn’t even aware there was such facilities here on this river. They seem to just kinda…these facilities kinda seem to…oh, James, James, they do kinda…yeah, they come out of nowhere. Okay. Skiffy, you sound different. I’m just a little down. Okay, yeah, 'cause you lost…me skiff’s gone. Okay, I get that.
Okay, so, we’re gonna get you…let’s go get you a new skiff right now, and then everybody that’s waiting here, you can enjoy these facilities that seem to be appearing at will, and they are pretty nice. So, I’m sure your waiting will be fine. Man, I mean, why…? We were in the beige world, Skiffy. Well, James, that’s where you got assigned to. Right, but…okay, so, we're gonna…here’s the thing; we're gonna go get you…oh no, I want to pick my skiff. Okay, well, you could come with us, and then we’ll…we're gonna find you a skiff. I don't think we're going to a skiff store. Where do you get your skiff? Like, where’d you get this skiff? It was given to me, James, by…it was created for me.
Huh, you’d think if they were creating a skiff for you, they would either create a backup skiff…oh, you're…that we already…oh, so, this is the backup or the backup of the backup. Okay. But you’d think it wouldn't be sinkable. Oh, James, it’s not sinkable. But Richie sunk it. Okay, I get it. Okay, so…okay, Rich…James, where are we going? Are we going? Yeah, we're going. I mean, basically…I think the way it works here is…I know where we're going. So, we’ll just walk this way, the three of us. Come on, Skiffy. We're gonna go to his last location. Where’s his last location? I mean, I’m pretty sure I know. Well, yeah, we just discussed it. Well, I wasn’t listening. I was sleeping. Oh yeah, we didn’t…we discussed it, yeah, in-between. Okay, that doesn't work for me.
Okay, we're just gonna go through here, and this is kind of…the way the energy works…I think if we go up over this pass, we're gonna come down where we need to be. So, is this where they're keeping Javert? No, no, no, this is Javert’s last-known location, where he went after he read the book. The information I’ve gathered and that the person I’m…that we're working with gathered. Okay, what’s it called? Okay, remember…do you know how to pronounce words where there’s always a silent H? I think so. Yeah, so, this one, there’s always a silent H. I just want you to remember that, that in this realm, with only particular words, there’s always a silent H. Can I practice? You could, yeah. H…I…I’m feeling…okay, that doesn't work, James. Could you give me a practice word? Because I just know so many H words.
I know, Richie. What about ello? That doesn't have…oh, ello, ello, ello. Okay. Yeah, so…okay, so, the place we're going is called Elheim. Okay, Elheim. That kinda starts off with E-L…that starts off with El. Isn’t it just a fancy name for El? No. Yeah, no, it is, right? Because that’s…is that where Javert is, is El? No. James, do you understand? I’m leaving the H off. It’s silent…with hockey sticks. No, I know what you're saying, but this…there’s only one El in Elheim, and I’m not even positive I’m pronouncing it right. Well, James, you're probably wrong. I mean, let’s be honest, and you're probably wrong about…it’s just a fancy name. Oh boy, look at that view. Yeah, that is quite a view. So, there’s giant gates — that’s what I was expecting — and then a bridge, and then the bridge kinda goes off into the misty distance.
Below it’s a river. Yeah, so, we're in the right place. Skiffy, you still following? Yeah, when are we…is there a skiff shop up here? No, but we’ll find you…believe it or not, Skiffy, this is a similar place to where you work. Oh, it doesn't look like it. No, it doesn't look like it, but it’s…anyway, let me get…so, we're gonna go down here. Okay, James, what is…? These gates are closed. Yeah, so, these gates are called…well, I get mixed up, but Elgrind I think is…this is Elgrind. Okay, so, Elheim, Elgrind. Who’s in charge here, James? El. Oh, boy. James, are you doing this to me? I thought we already went through this. No, no, I went to the show, Snorey and Snorlax Show, and this is from the book, the Edda, and the tradition. Okay, and the tradition is just saying nonsense words?
No, you're just basing it on what you know about your non-Earthly realms. This is a different set of non-earthly realms. So, it’s like a copycat. No, and also, there’s only one El in all these words I’m using. Oh, so, that makes it different, huh? So, El is in charge of El. No, El is in charge of Elheim. Oh, and is El also in charge of Elgrind? I mean, this sounds like a place for people that don’t like that word. No. I mean, no…actually, El is not in charge of the bridge. There’s someone else in charge of the bridge. That’s why we're at the gates now. Oh no, I guess…oh, James, there’s…I can feel the Earth kinda moving. Oh yeah, so, there’s a giantess in charge of this part. Okay, James. Sounds like you really did your research. Skiffy, maybe we need to just work, the two of us, and we’ll have James do any physical labor. Okay.
Okay, James, so, who comes here to El? No, no, this isn't El. El is the goddess in charge of this place. James, this is becoming tiresome. Richie, I’m not doing it on purpose. It’s just, I don't have the history of the naming conventions, so I don't know which name came first, Ell with two Ls or El with one L, or Elheim or Elgrind. What’s the name of the giant? It’s a giantess. It’s a giantess. It’s a she, not a…okay, James. Anyway…Ellie? Ellie? No, no, Mudgood. Oh, my goodness, James. Well, I’m on my own, I guess. So, okay…so, who comes here, James? Is this…? So, I know you're saying it’s…the names…let’s just put the names aside. So, is this for medium, good, or really not good? None of those. Okay, so, is it like the beige world we were in? No, but it’s called El. No, it’s not called El.
El’s…yeah, you said we weren't gonna do this anymore. Okay, so, it’s not for not-good…so, there’s no not-good people here. Not exactly. Okay, so, is the name a trick? So, did they name it this way so they could trick Javert? No. This is a place for regular people. Oh, James, only someone like you would have such…come from such a place of superiority. So…okay, but James, so is there a VIP place that’s not related to this place? I wonder where Javert…okay, Javert is somewhat regular. No, no, Richie, this is a place where…so, this culture is based on preparing for offense, not defense. Okay. And so, that’s glorified in their culture, right, in this mythology. Okay. If you're really good at offense or even really good at defense, they go to one place because they're considered…so, that’s like the VIP section? Well, kind of.
They're like the leaders, but not the leaders. They're the defenders and the offencers of the leaders. Okay. So, they're like…so, for someone like me, James…I mean, I’m a leader. Is this like…where would someone…? ‘Cause they would work for me, but I would be enacting them. So, is that the best place to go? I don't know enough details, Richie, but that’s like…Valhalla I think is what it’s called, but I don't know anything about it. Well, James, I was a leader…I was on the offence…very rarely on the defense of industry, you know. I was a titan, so maybe there’s a place where titans go. I mean, there might be. You could ask the giant. She’s…the giantess. She’s on her way. But I mean, until Jiff kinda…well, yeah, let’s not talk about Jiff right now. Okay, James, I’m still confused, though, why Javert would be here. I’m having trouble.
Other than the confusing name…did he come here for the confusing name? No, no. So, this place…so, this is Norse. James, is that like north? Okay. So, this is like a pragmatic…it’s unsentimental. So, this is not a place with joy or frowns, though there is a frowny-faced section here, but it’s a place shaped by your deeds while you were living a non…it kind of reflects your own existence while you were on the Earth, or I guess whatever your…Javert…Javert’s version of Earth. Okay, tell me more about this place that’s not…I mean, the frowny-face place is where he’s gonna be. Okay, he…so, that’s for people that didn’t keep their promises. Okay, well, we know that for sure. He almost kept his promise. So, that was his flaw. Javert’s flaw was that he didn’t keep his promise? I mean, yes, yes. Okay.
Yeah, so, I mean, I guess it could be where Javert is, but he would…he voluntarily came here. No, no, that’s what you're saying, James. We need to get him outta here. That’s why we're here. Okay, here’s the giantess. So, you're saying you think Javert came here…? Oh yeah, he came here, James, but not…he was…they changed the name. No, no, it’s always been named this for like…okay, James, let’s just talk to this giant. It’s a giantess, and her name, I believe, is Mudgood. Okay, you two just let me…good afternoon. I’m here with the Interstellar Naming Commission. Who are you? Who are you? I’m Rich…you don’t know who I am? No.
Well, I’m Rich…you could call me Richard, and I’m here with the Interstellar Naming Commission, and we’ve been looking into the name of this place, and it seems that there’s been a duplicate. How can I help you? Well, we're…we had sent a colleague of ours in here. He was a bit…be honest, do you have anybody that works here on the bridge with you? No, I don't need anyone to work on the bridge with me. Okay, well…by the way, nice to meet you. Beautiful bridge you have here. I got a friend back here, and he also…he works in a similar position of…as you. He does? Yeah, but instead of a bridge, he has…well, he’s saying he had a skiff, like a boat. Oh, like a ferry. Well, it was like a…I mean, yeah, it’s a skiff, like a boat. Not a big one. His river is not as nice as your river, by the way. Thank you.
It’s not my river, but I just…and we’d love to come on the bridge. I mean, he’d love to see it, because he doesn't have…I don't know why they didn’t build him a bridge. You don’t have any river traffic, do you? We don’t, and I don't think he does, either. Well, I can't really let you on the bridge unless you're coming in. Oh, well, I mean, we may come in. We're doing some looking around. But can't we just come on the bridge and then have a chat, have a stroll? I mean, he’s…can you hear him? He’s very impressed with the bridge. I mean, I’m speaking for him right now because he can…I don't want him to…he says he knows you. Oh, is that Skiffy? It is Skiffy. Well, I mean, I guess it sounds like you…oh yeah, we were at…what was it called? It was Bridge Tender Con or something? Tender Con, right? Oh yeah, he’s saying yes.
Okay, so you know…yeah, we were on a panel. We were on separate panels. Okay. Yeah, so, we do know each other. So, yeah, if you're friends, he…so, his skiff mysteriously left this realm. Oh dear. So, how are people crossing over? Well, we got a backup, believe it or not. Is that why you're here? It’s not exactly why we're here, but could we…? It’s one of our many…I’m not just in…I’ll be honest, we're…I’m not in the naming convention thing. That was just…I didn’t know how to start a conversation with you. Okay, well, if you're a friend of Skiffy’s, you could…you can come on the bridge, but you can't cross over to the other side, because once you get on the other side, I mean, there is a gate. You can't leave the other side. Okay. It’s a beautiful bridge. Very golden, very majestic. Skiffy loves it.
He’s running around a bit like a puppy. Well, so, this is James, by the way. I’m speaking for everybody right now, though. Thank you, James, for…well, hello, James. Yeah, hi…hey, nice to meet you. Thanks for letting us on your bridge, and thanks for Skiffy. He’s kinda down because of the mysterious disappearance of his skiff. Well, that’s a mystery that should be solved, then. Yeah, right now, we just gotta get him back…this bridge, though, is very solid. It seems like it’s been here a long time. It has. It has been here a long time. Yeah, so, this…we’ve gotta get him back. Well, actually, I have a couple boats. Maybe I could loan you a boat. Well, that would actually be great. Oh, Skiffy’s looking at them. I mean, your bridge is very high. Your river is very…moving down there. Yes, it is majestic here. Thank you. I’m lucky to be here.
So, Richie wanted me to…we're not just here for the skiff or because of the naming of the things. We actually are…Richie, can you…? I know that you're a expert on boats. Can you help Skiffy pick…look at those boats and figure out which is the best one? I’ll just make small talk here with…is it Mudgood? Oh, that’s…you could just call me Good. Oh, James, that’s even more confusing now. Okay, thanks, Richie. Just make sure you pick the best boat, probably the most expensive one, since you're not gonna be paying for it. Great idea, James. Because obviously, Skiffy and I, we wouldn't know what we're doing. I’ll just make small talk until you pick out the boat. Oh yes, feel free to pick out the best boat. So, anyway, James, what else did you want to make small talk about?
Well, I’ll be honest…so, we have a…well, he’s not a friend of ours. He’s someone we’re looking for, and we believe he came here, and he’s not necessarily supposed to be here. Okay, James, tell me who he is. Well, his name’s Javert, and he…did he come here? Oh yeah, he came here not too…I mean, within reasonable…depending on how you view time, not that long ago. Okay, 'cause, yeah, we're here to kinda take him…he’s not supposed to be here. He got…oh, he did seem very focused, and he wanted to…he had done a lot of reading. He had a lot of views about this part of the…this…our world, but it was impressions more than facts. Yeah, that sounds like him. Yeah, he demanded to be let in, and I said, okay, you could come in. You just can't…this is a bit like…maybe he’ll get this reference.
I’ve heard it from people from your world; it’s like the Hotel California. Okay, so, once you come in there, you can't get out? Correct. Okay, 'cause Richie seems to be on the other side of the bridge already. I should have told you that he doesn't really follow rules very well. Okay, well, yeah, once you come in, you can't…can we…? Oh dear, he’s gonna be here, too. Well, when you say you can't ever leave, what does that mean? Well, you can't ever leave here. It’s just one of our…we don’t have many rules, and…I could hear you talking, you know. I’m a giantess, so I could hear everything. My ears hear a lot. I guess that makes sense; great hearing. Exactly. So, I mean, your friend Richard, maybe I could let…he’s just on the border there.
He does seem to be jumping back and forth and flaunting that, and he seems to have damaged the gate on the other side with the boat. But I could pretend that’s a mistake. But Javert has entered our world and integrated themselves, so, there’s nothing I can do. What would you need him for? I think…can I ask you a question? Has anybody ever left here before? Well, you’d only be asking me that…but that’s one single exception. Yeah, I just saw this show based on…so, I was familiar with it. But let me just tell you…so, one person has left this realm. Well, they weren't…yeah, one being left this realm, yes, but the world was in great need of them. Okay. Okay, so, let me just tell you why we're looking for Javert. Oh, sure. Tell me. So, his…so, Skiffy, right, he has the same job as you; just with a skiff.
You picked up on that part. Every day, his mother…Skiffy has a mother? No, no, Javert’s mother. Okay. Javert’s mother has been coming to look for him, and she’s…you know. Oh no, don’t tell me she’s shed tears. Yeah, two, three times a day for hundreds of Earth years. She’s come looking for her little baby Inspecty-pooh Javert. Oh, James, you know that’s…you know mother’s tears are my weak spot. Yeah, is that just because your realm…the realm where your people come from, there’s not a lot of…? Yeah, mythologically, there’s not a lot of crying mothers in our realm. You're right about that. So, maybe that’s why I have a weak spot for it. Okay, so, if we could just…is there any way you could let him out for that just to go see his mom? Okay, well…oh, your friend’s coming back. Hello, hello.
So, we picked out a boat. Skiffy’s in the boat, though, on the other side of the gates, 'cause I was just showing him…he said he didn’t think I could push the boat. I said, I can push the boat. I put him in the boat and…I mean, I couldn't push it, so…but then I said, well, you show me how to push the boat, and he was actually able to push the boat. There’s also holes in the bottom of that particular boat because he pushed it. Always a show-off, that Skiffy. Anyway, James, I think you're done with your small talk. So, excuse me…Good, you could call me. Okay, Good. Good…we're here talking to Good and El. I’ve been made aware that someone from my realm or Skiffy’s realm has…you’ve taken them and you won't let them out. Well, I was just…oh, James, why is…why are you making that face at me? James, is there something in your eye?
Oh, okay, so tell me more, Mr. Richard. I’m not Mr. Richard, no. Richie, Richard, or RW, you could call me. Okay, so, yeah, I was just gonna go get him to make him aware that you're looking for him. Can I make a call real quick? You have a phone? Well, I was just using parlance, but yeah, in the house on the other side…is it…could I see it? Is it a giant phone? It’s just a phrase you would understand. Is the phone as big as you are? I’ll be right back. Okay, James. So, Skiffy, can you get…? I’m waving Skiffy over here. We ruined that boat, by the way, James. That was not the best boat. We have the best boat picked out, and there’s a reason I put a hole in that boat. Anyway, so, here’s what we're gonna do; we're gonna…now there’s no boat where she could follow us.
So, we're gonna get the boat, we're gonna get ready, then we’ll get Javert. I’m gonna have to improvise that part of it. You and Skiffy may have to create some sort of diversion while I figure things out. Oh, here she comes. Okay, yeah, so, I contacted him, and he’s not interested, he said. Not interested in what? Leaving. He’s not interested in leaving? No, he said he…'cause…oh, how do I explain this? One day, while the people of our realm may not keep their promises or had led ordinary lives, there will be one day when El calls upon all of us to help in a grand end to all…to a big ending that’s very cinematic, but it’s far, far in the future. Your friend Javert is interested in that mission and kind of the ongoing mission. So, not interested. I’m sorry to interrupt. That’s fine, James.
But did you tell him his mom’s looking for him? I did say that I was aware of…yes, he still was…he said…no, something like…he’s very curt and mission-driven. Okay, that’s…so, there’s something happening here. How about this? Yes, there is something happening here. You're using…you're misusing my time and messing up my boats and bending my rules. Yeah, I get that. James, Skiffy can be hard on anybody, but I need you…I think he just…he needs…we need to see him face to face. I need to have a heart to heart with him, and then…couldn't you just have him come to the gate or whatever and I’ll…I can…? I just want to see…maybe…yeah, I want to see him. Okay, that’s…then, if he’s…if we get this done, can you…will you leave as soon as this is over?
I mean, James, you and Skiffy are welcome to hang out, but it’s clear you're very busy and important, Mr. Richard. It’s Richie, but you're right about that. So, yeah, no problem. Just go get him. I’ll talk to him, and then we’ll move on. Okay, I’ll do that. Also, could I see…is there any chance I could see that giant phone? I’ll be right back. Okay, James, here’s what we're gonna do. I’m gonna dress up like…I’m gonna dress up like…I’m gonna pretend there’s some tarps and stuff in one of the boats. I’m gonna be…pretend I’m Javert’s mother, and I’m gonna do…I’m gonna turn on the old waterworks, and when I do, what’s gonna happen is then you and…now, you guys may have to stay as…well, I need somebody to drive the boat. We're gonna get him in the boat and then we're gonna get outta here, basically.
You may have to distract that goddess or whatever. Giantess. Oh, yeah, anyway, great. Well, here’s the thing; what are you gonna say to him as a mother with the waterworks? Oh, just be…it’d just be blubbering, James. Okay, but he’s not gonna leave, Richie. Oh, but if he sees his mother…no, that’s not gonna be enough. What do you mean? Okay, so, I feel like you're really connected to Javert, right? I mean, rescuing him, yes. Because you care for him, in a sense. I mean, because it’s the right thing to do, James. Okay, so, here’s the thing; maybe you relate to the thing with Javert being on a single-minded mission, at different points in the musical, at least. I also learned he didn’t have the greatest relationship with his parents. I mean, when you're that…it’s relateable, James, but I think I can get him…I’m very charismatic.
No, I guess…what originally I thought was that his mother’s love would be enough to get him to come with us. Oh, James, you're so naive. Yeah, but he needs a mission, and he’s had these kind of missions his whole life that are meant to…I think those missions make him feel okay. That’s how he feels okay, is…was being on the mission to look for Jean Valjean, and then…James, I don't understand. We don’t have very much time. We have to give him a new mission, is what I’m saying. We can't just…he’s single-minded, and the idea of him going and just hanging out with his mom in a pleasurable world…well, I don't know. We're just getting him outta here. I can't…he’ll have to deal with that part.
Okay, the idea of him reuniting with his mother is not gonna be enough for him to leave here, because here, he has a mission that…and then this world even plays into a bigger mission. James, that’s hundreds of years…James, they're just…this is all pomp and circumstance to distract you from the fact that we just gotta get him outta here. Okay, but do you understand what I’m saying? Okay, why don’t you dress up as his mother and…here, just put this on, and I’ll pretend I’m…I’ll speak for you. I think I get what you're saying, James. Don't worry. Do you really understand what I’m saying? Yeah, yeah. Excuse me…there’s Good. Hey, Good, believe it or not, winky, winky, Javert’s mother showed up. Oh, hello, Javert’s mother. Hi. Yeah, it’s me. I know, I know, James.
It’s fine if you want to pretend. Javert’s coming right this way. Oh, hey, Javert. I’m Richie, Richard. I don't know if…did anybody tell you…do you know who I am? No? Oh, interesting. Well, I’m here…this is your mother. What do you mean it’s not…? Just stick with me for a moment. I know you're here, and all the signs…we're familiar…but the word sounded familiar; Good, El, miss…ission, ission…all that kind of stuff, right? No, you don’t have to answer me. I’m just gonna talk. But yeah, I’m…I know I’m right. They got you through this door here. It’s a gate, not a door, but…you know, they have a giant phone in there. Have you seen the giant phone? He’s shrugging. Okay. I realize you feel like that’s not your mother, but it’s been so long since your mother’s seen you.
But here’s the thing; it’s been so long…so, this…okay, I believe you. This is not your mother. This is a representation of your mother, because I had to come here in person to tell you this, and I want you to sit down in this boat right now. No, no, not that boat. It’s got holes in the bottom. This boat here. I’m gonna tell you something, and then you…I know you want to stay here, but when I tell you this, you may want to change your mind. When you change your mind, we're only gonna have a few seconds, okay? Okay, thank you, Javert. Excuse me, Good, I hate to bother you, but could you do me a huge favor since you're…? We're gonna finish this conversation in this boat. Now, I know you don’t exactly think I’m gonna be successful, but if Javert wants to stay after this, I will allow him to stay.
But if he decides not to stay, I want you to put the boat in the water as soon as I…it’ll be a split-second decision, and he’s not gonna be very happy when…but you’ll know. You’ll know he wants to go with us. Well, how will know? Just…can you just pick up the boat and put it in the water, then? Sure, sure. Okay, let me just talk…James, just…yeah, I just did that, total…this is how it’s done, James. This is…I’m like a trickster. Okay, Richie. Okay, Javert, I feel like you're so close to me, but…okay, so, sit down. So, here’s the thing I was gonna tell you. Now, you could stay here and get out of this boat, but the reason I brought someone to pretend they were gonna be your mother is…and it’s never easy telling somebody this. Your mother, she was waiting for you to come, and she was…her son…and she really cares about you.
I know that’s not as important to you as it is to me, but then this gentleman came into her life and made her very happy. By the way, I’m a friend of yours, and so, I’ve always kept a place in my heart for you. It means a lot, all the work you’ve done. I really respect it. So, I said to myself, who is this guy, her new beau? They call them ‘beaus’ where I come from, B-E-A-U…or eaus, if we drop the B. I feel like you're not totally paying attention to me, Inspector Javert, but…I said, who is…who’s this suitor hanging around? I tried to figure out his ‘je ne sais quoi’ or whatever, right? I started asking around; like, what’s this guy’s name? Anybody know? ‘Cause he was…I don't know, he’s kinda weak, kinda strong at the same time, loving but stern, big into candles. He had a thing for candles, always putting candles on candleabras.
I found out he had more than one name, but then I found out…I said, what’s his full name? I checked my sources. Richie, what are you doing? I don't remember any of this. Oh, this is my friend, James. He’s pretending to be your mother, so, he’s confused. I don't know if you're with me, but I’ll…you could read between the vans here, Javert. Go ahead, Good. You could…thanks; lift this boat up. He’s coming with us. Jean Vanjean Van Madeline was what he…it’s right there in print. Jean Vanjean Van Madeline. You get what I’m saying? So, are you gonna come with us? Great. Yeah, believe it or not, he’s dating your mother. I can't…I know you can't believe it, but…listen, Javert, that’s…okay, oh boy, we're getting put in this river. That’s actually…oh boy, this river’s kind of…yeah, James, this is…this river’s rocking.
It looked more rolling, but it’s just a slow rocking. Yeah, Skiffy and Javert are already…and there’s so many pillows in this boat. Yeah, James, I’m gonna lie down, I think. Yeah, same here. I’m getting sleepy just…I don't know where this boat is going, but I’m gonna rest now, and I’m sure where we wake up, this will all be resolved. But we did…I guess we did get Javert out of the place he chose to go to with information that’s not true, but that’ll be fine. So, let me just get some sleep here, and we’ll be back soon to see…hopefully we find Jiff. Goodnight, everybody.
[END OF RECORDING]
(Transcription performed by LeahTranscribes)