Bedtime stories to help grown ups fall asleep in the deep, dark night.

Episode 1284 – Tried and Tested | Alba Salix S2E2

 

[START OF RECORDING]

 

SCOOTER: Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s time for the podcaster who is not known for his fashion except when it comes to…who’s familiar with the Fashion Fairytale and…? I mean, I’m not the only podcaster…I may not even be the only sleep podcaster who knows that Merliah is the Queen of the Waves, but I can…when I say Merliah is the Queen of the Waves from Barbie: A Mermaid's Tale, I do make the…I do sing it like in the movie where ‘waves’ is kind of…I don't know, is that syncopated? I mean, talk about a skill set. I can use the word ‘syncopated’ in a sentence, but I don't know what it means. But I do know that Merliah in Barbay…Barbie: A Mermaid's Tale…and that Barbie: A Fashion Fairytale…those are the skills…I don't know what ‘syncopated’ is.

 

I do know it’s a word having to do with syncopation, and…but yeah, I do know…so, that’s where you are. Welcome to Sleep With Me. You may be confused, and I’m a confused man. There’s some things I’m not confused about, but if I talk anymore about…if you try to get me down in the details, I confuse Mermaid's Tale and Fashion Fairytale. But why do I got Barbie on the brain? Well, if you listen to this episode, at the very end…you’ll sleep right through it or you’ll hear it if you need company in the deep, dark night, 'cause Sleep With Me is a sleep podcast that’s here to keep you company while you fall asleep, to make the deep, dark night a little bit less lonely, and never before in my life than when I’m recording this has that become clear how important that is, to keep you company while you fall asleep or to keep you company if you can't fall asleep.

 

I’m a friend in the deep, dark night. I talk. I meander. I’m a little bit goofy, I’m a little bit silly. So, it’s a different idea. I’ve been doing it over ten years. It’s an honor for me to do it. So, just give it a few tries if you’re new. If you’re a regular listener, it’s so good to have you back. I couldn't do it without you. It’s kinda like I can't do it without all of you, so I appreciate all of you that are super engaged in supporting the show and helping us keep the show going, and those of you that kinda send your kindness silently and sit in the background and need the podcast to get some rest. If you need the show, I’m so glad to provide it for you even if it’s only temporarily or even if you discover, hey, this podcast isn't for me.

 

So…and maybe you find another sleep podcast if you’re new or you’re a regular listener and you just find the show doesn't work for you anymore. But if it does, I’m so…either way, I’m glad you’re here, really. So, what we got coming up is support so you can listen for free to a ad-supported version if you so choose, if that works best for you. If not, I’ll talk about the other options in the intro. Then there’s a long, meandering intro meant to ease you into bedtime. If you prefer a show without a long, meandering intro, check out Bedtime Stories From Sleep With Me. That gets to the stories quicker. But the intro is kind of a check-in, a hang-out with a friend that kinda gives you time to transition from being awake to asleep, and that’s just what works for most people.

 

So see how that goes, then we’ll have some support again so the show is free for everybody that needs it for free or prefers that, and then we’ll have a bedtime story that’s a crossover from our ongoing crossover with Alba Salix. So, that’s really cool 'cause you could listen to the episode of Alba Salix during the day and then listen to the episode of Sleep With Me at night. So, that’s the structure of the show, and I’m really glad you’re here. So, let’s see how it goes. Give this show a few tries if you’re new — it does take some getting used to — and thanks for making it possible, everybody that supports the show on Sleep With Me+ or supports it directly somewhere else or supports our sponsors, because these sponsors and the people that support the show are really how we’re able to be here ideally long into the future, twice a week. So, thanks for making it possible, everybody.

 

INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. A bedtime story…I can't even think of how to do the intro. Bedtime story…alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether that’s thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, changes in time, temperature, routine.

 

I just want to talk about this for a minute 'cause I haven't talked about it and I’m a little bit…I’m not at home and I got a lot going on, and the mission of the podcast has never been more clear to me, about creating…trying to create a safe place. There’s actually not a way I could do that, right, 'cause I’m a imperfect person and that’s just not realistic. It’s the idea of trying to create a safe place where you could set aside stuff, whether it’s something you’re going through long-term or it’s situational and you’re dealing with something and you’re going through something and you need to just set it aside for a little while so you could get some rest. You need a distraction from it so you could get some rest.

 

You need some company to keep you company, because without the company and the distraction…you know, it could be thoughts, feelings, physical sensations or whatever, outside stuff, and so, that’s the whole concept behind the safe place. Yeah, it’s really important to me particularly right now. So, it’s really my honor to do that, and the way I do…or, why do I do it? Normally I don't go…elaborate about the safe place, but I just…I got family stuff going on and there’s family members that have been listening to the podcast as we’ve been going through it together, and it just reminds me; wow, we need a safe place so we can set aside stuff so we can get the rest we need.

 

So, that’s really what the show is about, you getting the rest you need so your life is more manageable than it would be if you didn’t have the rest you need or a little bit of rest or a little bit of respite. That’s important, and ideally this podcast, if it works for you, it becomes a part of your regular routine or it helps you get a regular routine so bedtime doesn't have to be a place you can dread or worry about. It could be something you feel neutral about or look forward to so that…I don't know, that’s just been my experience, right, is when I’m not getting the sleep I need, it becomes a cycle where I’m like, oh no. So, hopefully this podcast can change it. You say, well, at least I got that boring guy who knows who Merliah…that knows Merliah is the Queen of the Waves.

 

I don't even know what he’s…I don't know who Merliah is. I don't remember that part of the Barbie movie. I say, well, it’s a direct…before there was streaming, it was a direct-to-DVD signal…thing. So it was like…yeah, it was like…there was other Barbie movies before the…I mean, they were different quality. Anyway, not important. I was saying I’m here to…you deserve a good night's sleep, right? You deserve the rest you need so your life is better, so you could live your life. If you’re out there getting the rest you need and living your life, it means our world really is a better place, because your world’s gonna be a better place. That’s one part of it. I think there’s another part of it, but like I said, I’m just not at my best right now, but that’s when I make the podcast…when the podcast is at its best.

 

I know the regular listeners are…there’s two parts to this thing; get the rest you need so your life is more manageable…oh, and I think I kinda said it; I know how it feels in the deep, dark night, and so, to be able to help somebody else with that is really…gives meaning to my life, and by being of service…it’s a two-way street. So, yeah, that’s what I’ll do. What I do…the way it works is I send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, and superfluous tangents. So, that means I’m gonna go off-topic, I’m gonna get mixed up, then I’ll forget what I was talking about, then I’ll repeat myself or I’ll talk about stuff that has very little reference, like Merliah, Queen of the Waves.

 

But for people that recognize it, they’re like, holy cow. So…but you say, well, ‘Merliah’ is just a comforting word, anyway. That doesn't sound bad; Merliah. Except if you’re trying to spell it, which I think it’s like…it’s like ‘Mariah’ but with a ‘mer’. I didn’t even realize ‘til just now that it has a secret meaning in the beginning, ‘mer’. Like, Merliah…‘mer’, from the sea, or ‘mer’, I think. So, that’s funny. I just realized that. The movie’s…I’ve seen the movie so many times. Then it’s like, whatever, thirteen, fourteen years old? So…oh, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents…my voice is not traditionally soothing but it is kinda here to kinda keep you company and distract you. This podcast also does take some getting used to, and I’ll just explain that in a couple ways.

 

One is that when you first get here and you find you may have not…when I first started making the podcast, the idea of a sleep podcast wasn’t a thing. But even now that it is a thing, you’ll kinda have an expectation of what a sleep podcast or sleepy audio might be, and this show is probably pretty different than that. So, you’re kinda like, wait a second, what? What is this…? This dude just talks? He’s kind of…it’s not what I was expecting, is basically it. Maybe we’re tired already or you were searching for something to help you fall asleep, somebody told you about the show, you saw it on a list somewhere. So, that could be frustrating, and you could be frustrated or skeptical or many different things, and that is totally normal when you get here.

 

On top of that, I’m just not everybody’s cup of tea, right? So, my advice is just give the show…a couple times and see how it goes, 'cause this podcast, it’s kinda always never getting started, it’s never…‘always going nowhere’; I think that’s our catchphrase, or two of them. So, just give it a few tries and see how it goes. There’s also a website I have set up, sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou, and that has other sleep podcasts and sleepy audio on there that you could check out and that you could see if that helps put you to sleep. There’s other sleep podcasts on there, so you could find something. But just give it a few tries and see how it goes, 'cause this show is different. It’s a podcast that you kinda just barely listen to.

 

It’s kinda best consumed as background noise or like a TV on in the other room or like you called a friend and you were like, hey, talk to me for a little while, but I’m not gonna listen to you. Just talk to me like…I’m gonna try to fall asleep, but you just kinda ramble on and on and on. So, that’s…it’s a different idea. It’s a picture out of focus or something calming that you could engage in but you don’t have to. So, it’s a podcast you don’t just kinda…you can listen to it but you don’t have to, and it’s also a sleep podcast…I’m not here to put you to sleep. There is no pressure to fall asleep. I’m here to keep you company, not to put you to sleep, to take your mind off of stuff.

 

That’s the reason the shows are over an hour or right around an hour, is so there’s no pressure at all to fall asleep. There’s people who are listening who need to listen during the day for a break or who just can't sleep at all, and they’re listening for their bore-friend, their bore-bae, their bore-sib, their bore-bud, their bore-bestie, their neigh-bore, their Borbie, their bores, their bore-friend who’s there…I’m here to keep you company whether you’re awake or asleep. I don't know, it kinda takes some getting used to to be like, oh, he’s gonna talk. I can listen. He’s gonna kinda talk about Barbie and then he’s gonna do a episode of Alba Salix, which will be nice and calming, but he’s just here to keep me company.

 

I can listen but I don't have to listen. So, yeah, it’s…I’m here to be your friend in the deep, dark night. So, that’s another thing that takes some getting used to, and then the last thing is the structure of the show. The show is structured in a very specific way that we’ve kinda found based on listener feedback over the past eleven years of making the show, but there are also other ways to listen to the podcast that you can adjust, so…and we’ve become more and more flexible over the years. So, there’s options. But at first, just try it this way, 'cause this is the way most people prefer to listen, and I’ll lay it out for you of the ‘whys’ and stuff.

 

So, the show starts off with a greeting, and all of our shows do, and it kinda goes currently like this; friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and then I say something silly and try to describe briefly what the podcast is. That’s so you feel seen and welcome and you could say, oh yeah, I could check that show out. So, that’s the intro or the beginning of the show, a teaser, we call it. Then there’s sponsor support, and most of our sponsors are listeners…based on…whatever, direct response based on the listeners supporting them. That’s so paying for the podcast is optional. The reality is most people prefer to listen to a ad-supported, free version of the podcast. So, that benefits the most amount of people.

 

If you would prefer something without ads, you could pay for the show directly on Sleep With Me+ and that’s the best way to get the show without ads, or you could…if you want to do it for free, you could join our referral program and you could get a ad-free version by referring people to the free version of the podcast. But that’s just so we can benefit the most amount of people. Then there’s a long, meandering intro, and the intro goes on and on and on. It’s about fifteen to twenty minutes long where I describe what the podcast is — normally unsuccessfully like we’ve seen so far — I go off topic, I get mixed up, I try to spell words, I forget what I was talking about, all that kinda stuff, and…yeah, it’s…I go on and on. Yeah, I don't know what else to say.

 

But the intro also serves not just to introduce what the podcast is to new listeners and to be fun for regular listeners but different every time…we follow the same structure but every intro is different, and the reason every intro is different is just so that…it’s because whatever keeps me awake and a lot of listeners awake, it can adjust. So, if I had the same intro and it was very short and very repeated, I think that for me and for a lot of listeners that I’ve gotten to know over the years, it wouldn't help you fall asleep 'cause you’d know what was coming. So, that’s why the intro is different every time. The reason it’s fifteen to twenty minutes…one, I’m just not good at being…I’m over-verbose, you know, and I go off topic and I get mixed up. But the intro is also meant to ease you into bedtime, not to put you to sleep.

 

So, that’s for…that’s why it goes on and on and on, or that’s a benefit from why it goes on and on and on, to give you a transition period from being awake to asleep. So, a lot of listeners are listening as they’re getting ready for bed, they’re in bed getting comfortable, or they’re doing some sort of wind-down activity. Having a bedtime routine and wind-down activity is really what helps me, and when I’m not able to do that, it work…it affects my sleep, and that’s what most studies have kinda shown. So, you don’t have to have a bedtime routine, actually, and you could listen to Bedtime Stories From Sleep With Me for free. It’s ad-supported, too, in any podcast app, or if you sign up for Sleep With Me+, you get story-only versions of the show with no intro.

 

So, there’s ways adjust. There’s some people that start the show at twenty or thirty minutes, but for most people, the intro is a wind down or a buffering or a buffer from the day to sleep. There are people that fall asleep during the intro. So, yeah, that’s what the intro does. Then there’s support, then it’ll be our bedtime story. That’ll be about fifty minutes long, forty-five minutes long, and then there will be…and that’s…yeah, that’s it. So, that’s the structure of the show. That’s why I make the show. Like I said, never before in my life — but there’s been other times in my life — have I been reminded what an honor it is to be able to help people across the world and people in my family that are hurting and need some comfort in the deep, dark night, because I’ve been in that place and I’m in that place now, to be honest.

 

You could probably hear it in my voice; this relaxes me and there is a calmness in my heart and in my voice when I’m recording this podcast, because we’re together in that imperfect…but this safe place that we get to share with one another. So, it really is a honor and it does take a lot of work and a team of people to make this show, and they love working on the show, too. So, we work really hard. We yearn and we strive. We really want to help you fall asleep. So, thank you again for coming by, and the people that support the show directly and these sponsors are how we’re able to be here ideally twice a week for you. So, thanks.

 

Alright everybody, it’s time for Season 2, Episode 2 of Alba Salix, Tried and Tested. Remember, you can listen to the original versions of these over at albasalix.com, fantasy, comedy, and adventure for the ear. In this episode, the Houses of Healing staff face an inspection by Minister Pearcey…Pearcey…maybe it’s Pearcey…in a test of a different kind. This episode actually was a crossover with the Amelia Project. Oh no, it was…that was their…they promoted the Amelia Project. That’s a delightfully witty audio drama podcast about an agency who helps their clients disappear. You could find that at ameliapodcast.com. In this one, Eli gives another little intro, so I’m gonna do Eli first.

 

Hey, hello, bonjour. It’s Eli, your cowriter and coproducer, but this is Scoots being Eli, and we wanted to say a big thank-you for everyone who’s been sharing the show out there on social media, playing it for a friend, and all that stuff. We’re so glad to know you’re enjoying the show. It really does make our day. Be sure to check out the Amelia Project. As we said, it’s a witty and delightful audio drama podcast about a exclusive agency whose job it is to help their clients play hide-and-seek. They just had a special episode that crosses over with four other shows. So, I was right about the crossover. I knew it was at the back of my mind somewhere. One of those shows might just be Alba Salix, Royal Physician. As for the other three shows, not gonna spoil it, but we love them all and crossovers are great. So, that’s the Amelia Project. So, you could search for Alba Salix and the Amelia Project, and maybe you’ll find two new favorite podcasts.

 

But we start tonight’s episode in the ministry office…a clock ticking steadily in the background. A big, wooden door opens, and Loria Berenice enters the room. Ah, it’s I, Loria. Good morning, Madam Minister. Ah, Loria, good morning. Or, Miss Berenice. It’s I, Minister Pearcey. Yes, Minister Pearcey. It is I, Loria, saying we’re all good to go. Oh no, sorry, were you gonna ask me something? Yes, Miss Berenice. As your superior and Madam Minister, I’d like to know if you have our presentation for the chancellor ready for this afternoon. I’m good to go. There’s no preamble, like you said. We’ll just bring out a bunch of numbers until he tells us to stop. Yes, thank you, Miss Berenice. I, Madam Minister…I hope he gives us our budget. Remind me, what’s this morning? Oh, let me look through my papers and books here.

 

This morning on your agenda is the inspection at the Houses…the House of Healing. Oh yeah, the jewel in the crown of this department. Oh, and the good news is they should be getting their new, secure storage unit installed today, too. Okay, what time would that be at? The best I could get out of Magic Support was some time between 10:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m. Right, as always. Alright, I’m off to the House of Healing. I’m gonna get up here, put on my coaty-poo…Madam Minister, shall I bring you…would you like a whipped latte or something to drink? No, no, no. Could you bring me something…? Bitter tea, please, something bitter to make my face very…maybe with extra sour lemon. I want to frown. Of course, Madam Minister. Who knows? Maybe they’ll actually be ready for your inspection this time. They better be.

 

Now the opening theme of Alba Salix. By appointment to the King and Queen, Alba Salix, Royal Physician, Volume 2, Episode the Second, Tried and Tested. Here in the reception office of the House of Healing, it’s I, Holly, singing a song. The laundry’s done, the beds are made. This is Alba; thank you, Holly. Magnus, how’s things going in the lab? Oh boy…yeah, it’s I, Magnus; I’m back here putting away glassware now. Oh, oops, I dropped a beaker and it broke. Magnus. It’s okay, it’s okay. That was…that beaker was no good anyway, unfit for inspection. It had stains. It totally would not pass…munster? Muster. Muster, with Minister Fearsome. Magnus, this is Alba; if you call her that to her face, I’m going to…I’m gonna have to count you down.

 

Alba, Alba, please, no discipline. Remember? No discipline. She disciplines. This is Alba; I don't find…I don't…as Alba, I don't like these new rules. Well, look at this, I’m dust…my hands are covered in dust. Dusting them off…lab is done. That’s a satisfactory dust of my hands. Okay, Magnus, what about the back hallway? Oh, the back hallway, right…just as long as nobody opens up the right-hand supply cupboard. This is Holly; my right or your right? Holly, just don’t open any supply cupboards. Check. Oh, there’s the front door opening. Good morning, everyone. This is Minister Pearcey. Good morning, Miss Pearcey. So, Minister Pearcey, this is Magnus; have you decided if we’re gonna keep our positions or not? This is Minister Pearcey, Magnus; no, no, no, no one’s losing their job.

 

Oddly enough, I’d like to thank you for your efforts in adhering to the new ministry guidelines. I know this can't be easy. Yeah, as Alba, I’d like to know, what’s the action plan? Oh yeah, thanks, Alba, this is your minister speaking, and it’s very impressive. Very thorough. Oh, you sound surprised. As Alba, I’m surprised that you’re surprised. Well, as your minister, you were here when I visited last week, weren’t you? I suppose that’s fair, Minister. That’s a little burn, huh? No, compared to the Sorceror General’s staff, the House of Healing runs like gnomish clockwork. Oh, thank you. This is Holly; I’m so touched. Thank you, Miss Pearcey. Okay, Minister Pearcey, this is Alba; would you like a tour? You could see which items we’ve gotten done so far.

 

Wait a second, you’ve gotten stuff done? As minister, I’m almost…you’ve actually done things? My word, you’re leaving those wizards in the dust. Holly, this is Alba calling you. You got it, Alba. This is Holly; so, welcome to the reception area, Miss Pearcey. I’m familiar with reception areas, thank you. You could see that we’ve cleaned up and moved this desk so it’s easier to get past. I like the new ramp at the front doorstep, too. Very good. Okay, follow me from room to room. Through here, the checking-up room has new, easy-to-clean curtains. The lab has been tidied, the cabinets labelled. Okay, yeah, but just not that…this is Magnus; don’t open that cupboard. This is Holly; glassware and instruments cleaned.

 

This is Minister Pearcey; very good work. This is Magnus; I polished those. Yeah, everything’s a bit crowded in here today. As Alba, I’d like to say that, but unfortunately that’s because…well, let’s continue on to the pantry. Yeah, and the pantry’s been cleaned out to make room for the new storage unit. Oh yes, as Minister Pearcey, I’d like you to be aware that they’re delivering that today, in fact. Oh, Holly will miss you, pantry. Holly, I know…I’m your friend Alba and I know you’ll miss that pantry, but it’s for the best. I know, Alba. As your minister, I’m wondering how is the one in your office working out? Oh, the one in Alba’s office, my office? It’s great. It’s such a relief. I’m finally having all of those magical items protected from unauthorized access. Magnus.

 

This is Magnus; why is everybody looking at me? No particular reason, Magnus. Oh, I know why we’re doing it, but I’ll miss all those bottles and jars. We’ll get to write all the names by hand. As Holly, I guess I’m sad about the garden. Yeah, I know, Holly. As your friend Alba and your superior worker…this is Minister Pearcey; the garden? Oh yeah, a couple of days ago something came and ate every flower in the herb garden, so we’ve got some replanting to do. When we bought all the new plants…Holly, you can decorate the labels. Really, can I? Is that alright, Minister Pearcey? Yeah, that’s fine. Oh, hooray. Thank you. Oh, right, sorry, no hugs. Let’s continue on across the hallway. This is Minister Pearcey; this hallway is still impassible.

 

Oh yeah, it’s just a temporary…all this stuff in here is gonna go in the new unit. Alright. This is Magnus; I really don’t miss those ruckets and rakes and buckets and cakes. I mean, bakes…buckets and rakes. They’re all gone. If you’ll follow me in here, this room has been swept, scruged, smudged, and sanitized, and we’ve ordered new linens for both beds. That’s very good. I think that’s all for the inside. Yes, this is Magnus; that’s it for the inside. Okay, let’s step back in this check-up room. Now, this is Minister Pearcey here; I just wanted to check…Magnus, you raised the issue of living conditions, and it would…we agree it would be better to house you somewhere other than…a tool shed that smells musty and can be cold? It doesn't smell musty, Magnus.

 

This is Alba; I’ve been in there before. Don’t worry…this is Minister Pearcey, Magnus; we’re gonna be looking for a suitable room within walking distance. Whoa, whoa, whoa, you gotta define ‘walking distance’ for me. Walking distance is defined as 0.7 miles or the distance walkable by the average adult in fifteen minutes. Okay, hold on, though. So, if I find something further out, could I take a carriage to work if it’s…? It’s a better price further out. Moving right along. I mean…well, this is Magnus; how come you get to take a carriage? Minister Pearcey here; we’ve gotta start defining roles. We need to assess each of you for your strengths, determine where we have gaps to fill. Oh, this is Holly; oh, I have a question. Yes, Holly? I’ve been reading about the Persimmon Personality Index.

 

Oh, as the minister, I haven't heard about that one. Well, at the market the other day, there was a booth for Persimmon Personnel. That’s a lot of Ps, though; Persimmon Personnel. They do hiring for all those big companies in town. Oh, one of those. They’ve created this test so we can find out what kind of personality and working habits we all have. This is Alba; I don't think we need a test to tell us all of that. Well, I’m pulling out my cloth bag here. They gave us the whole package. Look; first there’s this book, Know Thyself: Know Thy Employees. There’s a gem, a deck of cards…they’re all different personality archetypes. Don’t you want to know if you’re the Queen of Rubies or the Fire Eater or the Spicy Food Eater?

 

As minister, I’m just not quite sure this is on the list of approved evaluation tools. Oh, come on, it’ll be perfect. We could each discover our unique strengths in a fun way, find out what part of our bodies our brains are in. This is Magnus; I’m not so sure about this. This is Minister Pearcey; by all means, try it and see what results you get on your own time, please. Oh, no, no, no, this is Holly; you have to do it, too. Fair’s fair. We want to know your personality so we can know how you like to work and how to best set you up for success in this important transition. What do you think, Alba? Well, I guess it’s up to Miss Pearcey. Please, Miss Pearcey? Holly. Please? This is Magnus; I think it’s just best to go with it, otherwise we’ll be here all day.

 

As minister, I’m going to regret this, but let’s see what we get. Oh, hooray! Back in the office, we have this little montage. Alba, I want you to look into this sapphire. Really? It helps to focus your mental waveform, as if there was any such thing. Just enjoy how pretty and shiny it is. Admire it. Let your conscious mind drift peacefully as you gaze into the soothing, blue depths of the sapphire. At some point I think you’re gonna ask me some questions? Holly? Holly? Oh, yeah, right, questions. Okay, let’s cut via musical transition to Holly and Miss Pearcey. On a scale of zero to ten, with zero being completely answer A and ten being completely answer B, would you say you are more like a pond or a brick wall? As minister, what does that even mean?

 

Oh, you just pick one. Go with your instinct. My instinct is no. Neither. Alright, I’ll say it’s a five. How many questions are there? Now a musical transition to Holly and Magnus. The key is not to overthink your answer, Magnus. Just say the first thing that comes into your head. This is so boring. Magnus. That’s the first thing that came into my head. Magnus, on a scale of zero to ten…? Seven. Let me ask the question first. 0.9. Question one…can I say 7.83? I’m feeling very precise today, Holly. Oh…and another transition to Holly and Minister Pearcey. Would you describe yourself as a catalyst or an observer? Five. Okay, five. Wait, do you prefer to set your own hours or to think about things that could have been? Five. Okay, five.

 

Do you prefer going to a party or falling…do you prefer going to a party or taking a long trip? Five. No, no; ten. Okay…no, ten. Okay. Which of these two circles makes you feel more envious? Now, Holly and Magnus. I’m not even sure I could put that in a number, Holly. Just say your first response. Okay, blue. As a number, Magnus. Uh, bluey-green with little swirls of white. Magnus, stop touching the sapphire of assessment. I’m not touching it. I’m putting my hand near it as I focus my brainial waveforms on it. Stop it, Magnus. Look, I’m not even touching it. I’m not. Look. Magnus. Don’t forget, Alba; keep looking in the sapphire. It doesn't matter where I look, Holly. But it helps focus the mind. Yes, you’re right. I suppose it does keep my mind focused on not being stern with you, Holly.

 

I’m sorry, Alba, I didn’t hear that last part. Nothing. Three. Okay, question thirty-three; would you rather try new flavors of pie crumb…? Oh, whoops. No, no, let me start again. Would you rather try new flavors of pie or walk through a beautiful forest? Okay, I think I’d say pie. Okay, I’ll put that down as a ten. Question thirty-four; do you prefer being physically active or making yourself useful? Why can't I be both? Okay, five, then. How about five? Hello? So shiny. Holly, please pay attention. Sorry. I think I was interviewing myself there. Okay, back in the House of Healing, Holly’s still laughing in the background. Ha, ha, ha…oh yeah, this is Magnus; so much fun. Yeah, as minister, I knew this was a bad idea. Well, as the head of the House of Healing, as Alba, I’ve learned that this is part of a learning process.

 

Well, how much longer do you think she’s gonna be? I’m a minister. I’m very busy. Can we get on with some actual business? Oh, there’s a front door opening. Is that Travin, an awkward, twenty-something wizard entering, wheeling a cart? Hello, I’m looking for Alba. Travin here; is Alba here? Yeah, I’m Alba. Oh yeah, I’m Travin from Magic Support. I’ve got your new, secure storage unit here. Oh, good. Thank you, Travin. Wait a second, that thing’s a storage unit? It’s tiny. How is it gonna fit everything in the pantry? Oh boy, let me tell you. My name’s Travin. I’ve been…I love my job. This is the Dragon Hoard 3C. It comes compressed. So, I’m gonna take it out of the packaging and it’s gonna expand to basically fill the whole room. Whoa. That’s the coolest thing Magnus has ever seen.

 

Okay, where’s the pantry? Is it back here? It’s down the hall on your right. You’ll see it. This is Magnus; this is so cool. Can I watch? Sure, man. Come on. Okay, and into the pantry we go. Magnus and Travin are wheeling the cart down the hall to the pantry where they start to unload a big box. Alright, man, watch out. It’s heavy. Holy cow, you’re right, man. You’re not kidding. Yeah, we just gotta line it up in the very center of the room 'cause we don’t want it going crooked and damaging any of the walls. That makes sense. Okay, so, we cut this open, we slide this off, take this strap away, then this wooden cover…you hear that crackle and hiss? It’s kinda like an air mattress sound. Oh man, there it is. How awesome is that? Yeah, we just wait now.

 

Is it doing anything? Yeah, it just takes a while for it to expand to full size. Oh man, right. So, wait, this is your job? You just install these things? Yeah, this, any kind of magical fixtures. We got a big project coming up for the Transmutation Lab. I’m Holly; I’m leaving the office. It’s time for our results. Magnus, this is Alba; it’s time for the results. Yeah, I hear you, Alba, but I’m really busy here with Travin. No, you’re not. You’re watching the thing expand. Please come in here and let’s go over these results. Alright, fine. Trust me, it’s…I’ve been watching these things expand for years. Travin and I work for this thing. You’re not missing out on anything. Man, I should have been a wizard. I could totally go to wizard school.

 

Now, back in the reception office of the Houses of Healing…alright, Alba here; we gotta get on with this. Yes, as your minister, I agree. I gotta…I’m due at the chancellor’s office soon. Hey, Holly, this is Magnus; are you allowed to touch the Sapphire of Assessment? Yes, I’m the one administering the test, and I have to hold the sapphire to my head like this as I choose the cards. It helps amplify my mental vibrations. Mental vibrations…okay, who wants to go first? Well, that was a long silence. That silence felt even longer than it was, because this is a sleep podcast. Alright, Holly, this is Magnus; I’ll go first. It better be good. Magnus, it’s not good or bad. There’s no judgement. This is a reflection of your true inner self.

 

Oh yeah, like somebody totally awesome like the King of Kings or somebody that eats peanut butter and banana sandwiches and stuff? Okay, you’re the Princeling of Waters. That’s your card. Wait a second, princeling? Princeling, what does that mean? Princeling? He’s got a nice hat. Oh man, that person in the picture looks like they’re going to school and studying and stuff. I pronounce your test officially lame. Okay, let me read your card. This card signifies a rebellious spirit who questions authority of every turn. Oh, as Alba, I could say that’s pretty accurate. Okay, this is Magnus; tell me more of this fascinating result. They struggle against the system and are often resourceful and inventive, even though…their genius goes unappreciated?

 

They may appear opportunistic and lazy. Yeah, this is Magnus here; to the uneducated layperson. Go back to the part about fighting the system. This is Minister Pearcey; I was…the point of this test was to find ways to channel your strengths into positive results for the team. That’s right, it is. No way, man. This is Magnus; I’m gonna stick it to the man now. You’re quite the rebel, Magnus, as your supervisor, Alba, could say. You know it, Alba. Okay, Alba, you’re up next. Alright, let me shuffle these cards, deal them out…this is Magnus; could I wager some propositions first? I would say the Old Maid of Broomsticks or…is there a Tyrant? Is there a Tyrant card? Definitely a Tyrant. Oh no, this looks like the Princeling of Waters. Really.

 

Wait a second, this is Magnus; wait, she can't have…that’s my card. She can't have my card. Well, as minister, this is quite an amusing coincidence. Oh, this is Holly; it’s not a coincidence. Okay, Holly, this is Magnus; your cards are stuck or something. Yeah, Alba, I was watching your cards. I think you did…you didn’t shuffle correctly. As your minister, I think you two might have more in common than you think. No, this…no way. Yeah, no, this is…no, no, definitely not. This is so interesting. Alba, as minister, I heard you were a bit of a troublemaker in your school days. Yeah, people say the darndest things, don’t they? It’s true. Alba, you’re resourceful, inventive, you don’t listen to authority much.

 

Oh, this is gonna be helpful when we talk about work habits and interpersonal strategies. I’m curious to see what card you get, Minister Pearcey. Yeah, yeah, alright. Yeah, nobody else better get Princeling of Waters. Okay, let me shuffle. Nope, it’s the Scribe, a figure who maintains rational order and values competence, honesty, and reliability. Oh, that’s totally you. Oh yeah, that is totally me. I suppose that’s not a bad description. A keeper of knowledge — okay, fair enough — a keeper of secrets…oh boy, secrets. Wait a second, secrets? Ooh, that sounds mysterious. I mean, no, no, no, as your minister, that just means I’m trustworthy. Obviously I’m privy to official secrets by virtue of my position.

 

Wait a second, do you have any deep, dark secrets, Miss Pearcey? Do tell. Well, Holly, let’s find out what personality type you are. Okay, okay, okay. Wait a second, this is Magnus; yeah, could we trust this test if you ran it on yourself? It’s probably gonna be just as useful as everyone else’s results. Okay, the Queen of the Wind. Oh, that does sound like me. Let me flutter my wings. Careful with those wings, though, Queen. Sorry, I just got excited. Let me see. Ooh, a spirit with deep connection to the primal forces of nature. Well, that’s one way of putting it. A dynamic personality…oh no, who’s fated to bring not-great stuff and many frowny faces. That’s hilarious. Yeah, this is Alba; that sounds right.

 

Does it have anything about being accident-prone in there? No, no, no, this can't be. I’m a good fairy and I help people. Bringer of…does it really say ‘accident prone’ in there? Magnus, this is me we’re talking about. I never…I’m not prone to any of that kind of stuff. Oh, remember when we were in the woods? That wasn’t my fault. I just needed porridge. Holly, you and I have worked together…you know, you and I, Alba, and there’s many lab…you’re prone to many discoveries in the lab that didn’t go well. Wait a second, Magnus is way more…Magnus is clumsy. Okay, this is your minister here; we can't take this test too seriously. This is simply a mildly entertaining game to spark conversation. I don't know about that. I looked into the sapphire.

 

Do you think it sensed a mental vibration from deep in my spirit that I’ve been hiding the whole time? Holly, this is Alba; I think it just tells us a lot of random traits that could match anyone. Minister Pearcey, I’m concerned about this. Yeah, this is Magnus, Holly; I don't know. Maybe you should take the rest of the day off, just in case. In case what? In case you have a mental vibration. You know what, Magnus? You’re a mental vibration. Oh, there was just a loud sound in the pantry. What in the…what was that? Oh, no. Oh, it’s Travin; a slight problem with the install. What happened? Oh dear, it’s happening already. I think we must have mis-measured the amount of free space. Well, as minister, is anything damaged? I mean, a bit.

 

I think you might want to get someone to look at the walls and make sure they’re still sound. Well, this installation is unacceptable. Please show me. Well, sometimes these old buildings, they expand and contract with the cold. Pearcey, follow me in the back. I think this is my fault. Holly, it is not your fault. So, we go to the House of Healing hallway, where dust and debris settle. Excuse me, as your minister, I need to know; did you double-check the measurements before you opened the package? This is Travin; yes, of course I…yeah. As your minister, I need an anster…anster…an honest answer. That’s my short for an honest anster. Can you give me a honest answer? Did you really check…double-check the measurements?

 

I mean…as a keen observer named Magnus, I could say that he totally did. I saw him. Well, as the minister, I see what you’re saying. I just thought of an idea…I, Magnus, thought of an idea. Can't you just shrink it? No. As minister, I already know this. He can't. Once it’s installed, it’s proofed against most types of magic, and even if he did shrink it or we did shrink it, I don't trust this building to stay standing now. You know, I’ve been doing this a while. I don't really think it’s that bad. Travin’s the name, installing magical devices is my game. Okay, this is Minister Pearcey; I’m going to talk to the head of your department, young man, and they need to get the team down here on the double. Come on, let’s clear out the building. Everyone out.

 

Holly, Miss Salix, hello? We head to the forest. It’s daytime. Holly is crouched under a tree and Alba approaches softly. Oh, I just…I bring…it’s like wherever I go, bad luck follows and…things and growing devices…Holly, it’s me, Alba. I thought I might find you here. Oh, Alba, no, you can't be around me. I’m not…it’s not a good idea to be around me. Holly, you just pulled a random card out of the deck. Right after I did, then the whole House of Healing…it’s a disaster. No, it didn’t, Holly, and it certainly wasn’t your fault. Alba, I, Holly, brought this on us. Holly, that’s ridiculous. That so-called wizard from the ministry didn’t measure properly. He didn’t even install the unit with the door facing out. You are a good fairy and you help people.

 

Alba, that’s just the thing I say to make myself feel better. No, Holly, it’s true. You are good. You’re good because you care. That’s who you are. That’s something you should be proud of. So, take it easy today. Pearcey’s not letting us back in the building anyway, so go get some rest. Thanks, Alba. Alright, Holly, I’ll see you in the morning. We have a musical interlude. We return to the Houses of Healing, and Magnus and Travin are looking things over in the garden. Man, this is…this building’s gonna be fine. It’s just a little plaster off the walls. Everybody’s making such a big deal out of it. I, Travin, have done this before. Yeah, Travin, I get it. Pearcey’s…goes by the rulebook. I, Magnus, am familiar with it. Yeah? Well, Magnus, as Travin, I can say, hey, thanks for covering for me in there.

 

You got it, dude. Oh wait, by the way, that reminds me…oh, what’s up? While you’re here, Alba wanted me to ask you about a problem with the cabinet in her office. Oh yeah, the Dragon Hoard 11-S? Yeah, yeah, the big, red, shiny one? Yeah. Oh boy, what’s wrong with it? Well, I, Magnus, am just wondering…it’s kinda silly, but we forgot the password. Would you believe it? You’re supposed to choose one that’s hard to guess, and Pearcey’s like, oh no, no one could write it down. Huh, that’s good practice, but yeah, I get it. Okay, so, I was gonna say something like…it was something like ‘double, double, toil and trouble’, but that one’s not working. Is there any way you could tell us what we set it to? No. As Travin, I’ve done this enough times…we can't do that.

 

There’s no way to find out. But if you want, I could reset the password and you could just choose a new one. Oh wow, thanks, Travin. That would be amazing. Oh yeah, no problem, Magnus. That’s no problem at all. Travin, you’re really saving my rear end right now, man, seriously. Then we head back into the House of Healing office as Magnus goes through the cabinet. Whoa boy, that is one nice wand. Amulet…this one’s boring. I’ll just put this…teapot? That’s lame. Whoa, whoa, whoa, what is this book? This looks like a book out of a movie that you’d see in the autumnal season, maybe in the middle of a cabin in the middle of the woods or something like that. Interesting. Huh, I’m gonna have to learn some new languages. I, Magnus, don’t speak the language…whoa boy, what is that graphic?

 

What is that a drawing of? Better close this book up. What is this? This is some dinnerware. Oh boy, you are beautiful. I’m gonna run this through the air, like whish, whishity-whish. Yeah, that is cool. You’re like a blade of the night. I think I’ll call you Sky Talon, Sipper of Souls. Oh boy, what is that scorching and crackling sound? No way. Alba, where did you even get this awesome thing? Look at me moving. It’s like a sparkler, man. This is cool. Oh yeah, Magnus…I could use this when I do dancing. Oh boy…oh, wait a second, uh-oh. Looks like I’ve started to erase some of the ink on these papers. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Somehow this piece of dinnerware is erasing all the ink on the papers. Okay, okay, everything’s gonna be fine.

 

I didn’t do it. Yeah, totally. I wasn’t even here. Yep. Oh boy, Alba is gonna be so disappointed. Wait a second, the front door…I just heard the bell over the front door. Oh dear, oh boy. Hey, it’s Holly. Who’s here? Oh boy. Hey, Magnus, what are you doing in here? Me? Nothing. I’m not doing anything. Not doing anything. What are you doing in here? I’m not doing anything at all. Well, I saw the lights on. Oh my gosh, what’s going on? It smells like the evaporation of ink or something like that. What’s going on? Well, yeah, it’s…I was walking by, I was singing songs, and I saw the lights on. I thought…wait a second, what did you do? Like I said, Holly, I didn’t do anything. Yeah, right, Magnus. I knew you’d be up to something.

 

What do you mean I’d be up to something? I came in here…I also smelled the smell of ink evaporating, and I came in to investigate. Magnus, why is the red cabinet open? Oh, because of the ink evaporation pressurization. It popped the door open like popcorn or something. Oh, yeah, Magnus, now who’s the one sewing chaos? Holly, it’s taken care of. There’s no more evaporation happening, and there was hardly any…a rink…ink…a rink…ink erased at all, except for those papers of Alba’s over there. Okay, yeah, no, we gotta hide these, then. No, we gotta get out of the building. It’s not coded for inhabitation currently. Come on, Holly, Travin says the building’s totally fine. Magnus, like he would know. Yeah, but he’s a wizard. He knows stuff. Okay, well, Magnus, you gotta just close the cabinet, and let’s go.

 

Wait, what’s that sound? There’s a tapping sound. Yeah, what’s that? Yeah, Holly, I heard that, too. What’s that noise? It’s coming from inside this bag in the thing. It’s…what is this? Open the bag…what is this? It’s tapping…it’s a fluttering…it’s something with wings inside a jar. Magnus, you gotta stop touching things unless you want…oh, wait a second, it’s a butterfly. Holly. Oh no, he’s stuck. Oh, we’re so lucky. They may not have liked the smell of the evaporating ink. It might not have been good for them. Holly, why does Alba have a butterfly in a jar in a bag in a magic-proof cabinet? That’s exactly right, Magnus. I’m gonna have to have a word with her when she comes back. Look at this, how cute their face is, but they’re sad.

 

Holly, don’t you think there’s probably a reason Alba had it in the cabinet, unless Alba’s not nice to butterflies? Or maybe it’s some sort of butterfly of chaos? Magnus, it’s just a butterfly. Hold on, little buddy. Wait a second, how do you even know it’s a buddy? Fairies train butterflies, Magnus. Wait, you train butterflies to do what, harvest nectar, carry flower petals? On the Midsummer’s Day Dance, you should see it; fairies and butterflies turn the sky into fountains of colors. Okay…okay, there you go, butterfly. You’re free. She opens the lid and a tiny sound of feet patter on the glass. You gonna dance for us, mess…butterfly? No. I am a butterfly of chaos. Wait a second, you can talk? Oh my gosh, you could talk. Hi, my name’s Holly. I will not dance for you, Holly. Oh, that’s totally okay. You don’t have to.

 

The two of you are going to dance for me. Yeah, right. I’m not gonna dance for anybody. The last animal that told me to dance, I got out a…I will cast a spell of lightning. Wait a second, that’s lightning. Wait a second, that’s…lightning’s…are you flapping your wings and firing lightning bolts? Dance for me, human. Dance, dance. I do think you’ll dance. Hey, you gotta stop that, butterfly. Holly…Butter…Mister Butterfly, it’s okay. Please get this butterfly away from me, Holly. Magnus, be nice. It’s not a butterfly thing. It’s a butterfly. Yeah, Holly, it shoots lightning and wants us to dance. He just got out of a jar, Magnus. Holly, it’s lightning. Wait a second, as this butterfly…you, Holly, did I hear that you force butterflies to perform for you?

 

No, no, no, we don’t force butterflies to do anything. We train them in artistic collaboration. I do not think that is true. I will also have some lightning for you. Wait a second, that’s not nice. I just let you out. Yeah, this is Magnus; I’m just wondering, what were you doing in that jar, anyway? Alba put me in there, that human. She said she didn’t want me in her garden, and she put me in here. I don't know how she dared to do that. But wait, we…why would Alba do that? There’s plenty of nice flowers you could drink from. Or, we had nice flowers there yesterday. Drink from flowers? Oh no, no, no. I don't drink from flowers. I mean, nectar is sweet, but I like to drain pure beauty. Wait a second, what does that even mean? Wait, it was you that ate all the flowers?

 

Ha, ha, yes, I ate all the flowers and the beetles and the ladybugs. Oh, my goodness. Wait, since when do butterflies…? Wait a second, I thought you were…just drank nectar. What…you were…? Butterflies and ladybugs? That doesn’t even make any sense. Yeah, next I was gonna move on to rabbits and bunnies. I don't know if those are the same things. If that Alba hadn’t caught me…wait a second, bunny rabbits? Bunny rabbits are kinda the same…I don't know. But you say ‘bunny rabbit’ or ‘bunny’ or ‘rabbit’, but not ‘bunny’ and ‘rabbit’. But a rabbit’s like five, six, seven, eight, nine times the size of you. Yes, but I have powers. Oh boy, powers. Okay, wait a second, was that…you have a butterfly smile? Are those real? Yes. I could smile for you.

 

No, no, no. No thank you. Please don’t smile. Your smile is not making me comfortable. Wait a second, this is Holly; you ate Alba’s flowers and herbs and all of our forest friends and you’re saying Alba’s the one that’s not nice? I do not think so. I, as a butterfly, will not be controlled by you or anyone else, fairy. I will cast more lightning and my lightning will erase all the ink within this building, and then I will drink your tears. Whoa, whoa, this is not good because I’m already gonna be in trouble for the other stuff that was erased. Yes, please stop it, butterfly. Cower before me. I am Pelipaghh, the Drinker of Tears. Well, by the way, I’m Holly, Queen of the Wind. Also, I don't know if you ever…there was this…you know, I got into Barbie movies at one point. I don't know if you know who Barbie is.

 

She’s from another realm. But there was a Barbie…there were movies with Barbies and fairies, but I was more interested when Barbie was Merliah, because I’m…she was Queen of the Waves in…well, that was in Barbie: A Mermaid Tale, and Barbie: A Mermaid Tale 2. She was Queen of the Waves, but I’m Queen of the Wind. But she would say she’s Queen of the Waves. Or they would sing a song about her where she was Queen of the Waves, Merliah. She was Barbie…was she Barbie starring as Merliah in a…? I think she really was Merliah. I don't know, but she was Queen of the Waves. I’m Queen of the Wind. So, I’m going to lower my voice and I’m going to increase the wind, and the wind will howl about Holly. Oh, you’re gonna go with your lightning against me? Okay.

 

Yeah, I don't fear…as a powerful butterfly, lightning-caster, I don't fear minions from movies or minions of Alba. We’re not minions. We’re staff members. You serve the whims of Alba, and so, you shall pay. Okay, get over here, butterfly, because I’m about to de-butter your flies. Well, I’ll cast some more lightning. Ha, ha, ha. I’m gonna put you right back in your jar with this wind. Wait a second, this is Magnus; Holly, how are you even doing that? Wow, you’re more powerful than the butterfly. Oh no, you…yeah, because I have wings and your wind power is sweeping me away. That’s right; just like Merliah was Queen of the Waves, I’m Queen of the Wind, and I do sew chaos, and today the chaos starts with you, butterfly. Oh dear, as a butterfly, I say, no. Holly, this is Magnus; how are you doing that?

 

Magnus, get the jar. Okay, okay. Oh no, I’m flying, I’m flying. I’m trying to fly…oh no, I’m flying right into the jar. Magnus is corking it on me. So, now there’s a jar-like echo. I got him, Holly. Thank goodness we got the butterfly taken care of. Say you’re sorry, butterfly. I will not apologize. Say it. No one can keep me here forever. Whoa boy, oh no. Okay, okay, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Holly. I’m sorry. I apologize. Okay, this is Magnus; whoa, whoa, whoa, calm down, Holly. I know you’re Queen of the Wind. I got it. Wait, what’s that? I can't hear you, butterfly. I can't hear you apologizing. I said I’m sorry. How can I make it better? I regret my actions. Wait, Holly, why don’t we just put him back in the cabinet? Yeah, yeah…this is the butterfly; please put me back in the cabinet. I promise to stay in the cabinet.

 

Then Magnus and Holly try to catch their breath as they put the jar back in the bag and shut it back in the cabinet. Wow, Holly, that was amazing. I don’t know how you knew how to do that. Wow, neither did I, Magnus. It was like, I totally felt like Merliah, Queen of the Waves. It was great. Yeah, that was totally cool, Holly. Thank you, Magnus. Wow, Queen of the Wind. Something else drops to the floor, and Magnus is like, I’m gonna be in so much trouble. We go back to the House of Healing check-up room, and Holly’s going over things with somebody else. Okay, new item. Oh, there’s…okay, yeah, keep writing. Please state the item name. Okay, this is the Eye of Morgulan. Okay, the Eye of Morgulan is not a registered…recognized artifact. Morgulan. Oh, yeah, Morguland. Did you say Morganland?

 

No, Morgulan. It’s Marguland. Marganland…Morganland is not a recognized artifact. Okay, this is Magnus; just hand me the book. Magnus hands Holly a giant tome. She starts flipping through it as the catalog drones on. Please state the index number from Bislayan’s Compendium of Magical Artifacts. Oh my gosh, Holly, this is the worst. Okay, Magnus, be quiet. Sorry, I did not understand that index number. Magnus, you’re confusing the cataloger. Well, this cataloger is useless. It makes S-I-R-I look handy. Sorry, I didn’t understand S-I-R-A…S-I-R-E. Please repeat the item number. Oh, my goodness. Hey, it’s Alba here; what’s going on in here? Oh, don't worry, Alba. There’s nothing going on in here. Alba, this is Magnus; you know it’s me.

 

What’s the actual point of a magical catalog system if you have to look everything up anyway? Well, Magnus, it keeps you and Holly’s hands busy. Oh, right. Sorry, I did not understand that index number. Do you want to start over? Oh, my goodness, I’m gonna have to count to fairy ten before I lose it. In that, the episode comes to a close for Episode 2, Season 2 of Alba Salix. Oh wait, no, there’s one more scene. Sorry, a post-credit scene. In a back hallway, Travin is like, yeah, hey Magnus, come over here. You’re gonna have to lose these cupboards anyway once we put in the rest of the safety items. Did somebody say we could use…can I use a hammer in here? No, Magnus. This is Alba; you can't use a hammer. Okay, great. That’s the end of the episode. I was gonna look up something about Barbay: A Mermaid Tale 2.

 

This episode also was sponsored, when it originally came out, by the Amelia Project. That’s A-M-E-L-I-A Project. So, check it out. It’s another great audio fiction podcast. Let’s see, let’s just look up…we’ll use a couple more minutes of time here, make sure we hit our sixty-minute goal. B-A-R-B-I…oh, E. Barbie…it’s A Mermaid's Tale; I know. Oh, there’s Barbay…Barbie: Mermaidia, Barbay…something else, a mermaid movie, but Barbay…Barbay…2010, Barbay in a Mermaid's Tale. Probably the Barbie movie I’ve seen the most, to be honest with you. Fashion Fairytale I’ve seen quite a few times. Surprised it came out in 2010, but my daughter was born in 2007. Okay, let’s see…Barbay…Barbie…I don't know why that’s happening.

 

The plot…Merliah Summers, played by Barbie…a up-and-coming surfing star in Malibu, and meets a bottlenose dolphin named Zuma, tells…who talks to her. Then her grandfather says, your mother was a mermaid. She doesn't believe it. She tells her friends the story. She learns her mother is Calissa, previous Queen of Oceana. Calissa’s sister took over. Zuma hopes Merliah will come back and bring her mother to the throne. Merliah refuses the call to adventure. There’s some sort of magical necklace. I won't spoil it from there. I don't see the songs, though. Characters…Queen of the Waves, though…here’s the characters. Merliah Summers is a girl from Malibu nicknamed Queen of the Waves. So, I guess her mermaid powers make her a great surfer, too.

 

Yeah, let’s see if there’s any other things. Mermaid Tale 2, that was 2012. See if there’s any other…what’s the general plot of that one? A year after the previous film, Merliah is in another surf meet against rival Kylie Morgan. I’ve definitely seen this one. They head to Australia. She goes back to tell her mother the good news, and there’s supposed to be a ceremony going on in the waters off of New Zealand to pick the new princess. Merliah is supposed to be there, but it’s the same time as the surfing competition. Her and her mother have a fall-out about it. So…wow, I don't remember this one as much. I know I’ve seen it, but I haven't…my memory is not super intact.

 

Kylie Morgan…she’s an Australian surfer, jealous of Merliah. Oh, she frees Eris or Eris, so that makes sense, and they team up. What else we got here? Anything else? There’s Zuma, that’s the pink dolphin. Snouts is another forest friend. Hadley…but there’s…who is it, Bibble that’s in the other Barbie movies? I think that’s in the…Barbie, the fairy movie…Fashion Fairy…I don't know. But anyway, I hope everybody enjoyed these…this episode, and goodnight.

 

[END OF RECORDING]

(Transcription performed by LeahTranscribes)

Alba Salix

 

Barbie DVD Movies

https://www.buzzfeed.com/todefeatthehuns/barbie-movies-ranked

https://www.vulture.com/article/best-barbie-movies-ranked-animated.html

https://www.polygon.com/23803316/barbie-movies-ranked-animation-where-to-stream

 

History of the Health Inspector

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/06/05/dining/restaurant-health-inspector.html?unlocked_article_code=1.3k0.vmkV.c9EuMx-YmD05&smid=url-share

https://tedium.co/2021/04/28/nyc-restaurant-inspection-history/

https://www.grubstreet.com/2020/03/why-chefs-are-terrified-of-the-nyc-health-department.html

 

Packed Mattress Companies

https://www.architecturaldigest.com/story/best-mattress-in-a-box

https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/home-products/g4138/best-mattress-in-a-box/

https://www.forbes.com/sites/forbes-personal-shopper/article/best-mattresses-in-a-box/

 

Tarot History

https://www.metmuseum.org/articles/tarot

https://science.howstuffworks.com/science-vs-myth/extrasensory-perceptions/history-tarot-cards.htm

https://www.gamedeveloper.com/design/the-mystical-history-of-tarot-cards-history-of-game-design-

 

DOWN TO BUSINESS

Fashion Fairy Tale

I can use ‘syncopated’ but I don’t know what it means

I’m familiar with Barbie: A Mermaid’s Tale

Why do I have Barbie on the brain, you might ask?

A retelling of Alba Salix

 

Deep Dark Night United

n/a

 

PLUGS

Alba Salix; Sleep With Me Plus; SleepPhones; Rusty Biscuit Links; Emily Tat Artwork; NAPAWF; Anti-Racism Resources; Ukraine Relief; Crisis Textline

 

SPONSORS

Helix Sleep; Zocdoc; Progressive; Lumen

 

INTRO

I can’t even think how to do the intro right now

Set aside whatever’s keeping you awake

I’m not home right now and I’ve got a lot going on

The mission of the podcast has never been more clear to me than in this moment

A little bit of rest and a little bit of respite

Who’s Merliah?

Merliah, Queen of the Waves

Who here knows about Merliah?

I just realized the secret meaning of this word

It’s a podcast you just barely listen to

“Ok, he’s just gonna talk about Barbie and Alba Salix and I don’t have to listen”

I’m not great at being overly verbose

Confusingly Over Verbose

Explaining the structure of the show

What an honor it is to be there with people

Doing this show for you relaxes me

You and I are sharing this safe place

 

STORY

S2E2 Tried and Tested

An inspection from the minister

Oh, it’s MInister Pearcey!

Reading a plug for the Amelia Project

Loria Bernice greets the Minister

Is the presentation for the chancellor ready for today?

Today is the inspection of the House of Healing

Minister Pearcey would like a bitter, lemony frowny kind of drink for today

They better be ready for that inspection

Holly is singing a song after tidying up

Magnus accidentally drops a beaker

Unfit for Inspection

Don’t call Pearcey Minister Fearsome

No one open the right hand supply cupboard

Minister is surprised by how thorough this cleaning is

Wow, they’ve actually gotten stuff done!

The new reception area is great

The new storage unit is being delivered today

We’ll miss you, old pantry

The new office is working great

Holly will have to label all the new labels! Yaay

Magnus doesn’t miss the buckets and rakes

Checking in on Magnus’s living conditions

We’ll find a suitable room for Magnus within walking distance

Magnus wants to take a carriage to work

Persimmon Personality Index

Persimmon Personnel

What kind of personality type are we?

Pearcey doesn’t approve of these worker type tests

Holly wants to know how Minister Pearcey likes to work

Alba, look at this sapphire and answer some questions

Holly is quizzing Minister Pearcey

Are you more like a pond or a brick wall?

Holly now quizzes Magnus

Magnus finds this boring

Magnus teases Holly

MInister Pearsey keeps picking the middle 5

Focusing Your Brainial Waves

Can we get onto some actual business?

Traven, an awkward, 20something from Magic Support is here

That’s a tiny storage unit!

Dragonwork 3C

This will expand to fill the whole room

Did you hear that crackle and hiss?

An Air Mattress Sound

It takes a while to expand to full size

A big project coming up for the Transmutation Lab

Holly has their personality results

Magnus wishes he had been a wizard

Pearcey has to leave soon

Is Holly allowed to touch the sapphire?

The sapphire amplifies mental vibrations

That was a surprisingly long silence

A reflection of your true inner self

The princeling of waters

A rebellious spirit

Suddenly Magnus is interested

Alba also drew the Princeling of Waters

This can’t just be coincidence

Alba and Magnus might have more in common than you think

Alba and Magnus hate this

Pearcey is interested to learn this

Pearcey – The Scribe

Order, honesty, reliability

I guess this isn’t the worst quiz

A keeper of … secrets?

This is just a game, not a trustworthy test

Holly resents that people are mocking her test

Holly is…The Queen of the Wind

Fated to bring not great stuff

Traven runs into a problem with the installation

There wasn’t enough space

Into the House of Healing Hallway

Did you double check the measurements before you opened the package

An Honster (An Honest Answer)

Why can’t they just shrink it?

That’s dangerous

We have to clear out the building

Alba approaches Holly

Holly is upset that this is all her fault

Holly just wants to help people

This isn’t Holly’s fault at all

Alba tells Holly she’s actually a very good fairy

Back to the building

The building will be fine

Traven thanks Magnus for covering for him

Alba is having trouble with a cabinet in her office

Magnus needs help remembering the password…

Traven offers to reset the password for Magnus

Magnus goes through the cabinet

What’s this book?

A book out of a movie from the autumnal season

A blade of the night, Skytalon

Magnus is playing with some heavy magic stuff

Uh oh, this dinnerware is erasing ink from these papers

Magnus is in over his head

Holly comes upon Magnus

What did Magnus do?

It smells like ink evaporating

What is that tapping sound?

A winged thing inside of a jar?

Why does Alba have a butterfly in a jar hidden in this cabinet?

Holly, don’t open that jar!

Fairies train butterflies

A Butterfly of Chaos

You two will dance for me, the butterfly of chaos

Why is this butterfly shooting lightning bolts??

This butterfly ate all the flowers and bugs and living creatures

Alba kept this butterfly from eating everything

Bunnies vs Rabbits

I don’t like this butterfly’s smile

I will erase all the ink 

Polipaga, the Drinker of Tears

Holly loves when Barbie was Merliah, Queen of the Waves

Was Barbie Merliah? Or just playing Merliah?

Holly will control the wind to face this lightning butterfly

Polipaga will not suffer any minions

I’m about to debutter your flies

How is Holly this powerful?

Holly’s wind power sweeps the butterfly away

They get the butterfly back in the jar and he apologizes

It was cool how Holly had all that power

Back to the House of Healing checkup room

The Eye of Morguland

Magnus hands Holly a giant tome

They’re confusing the AI cataloger

This cataloger makes Siri look easy

Oh wait, don’t forget the post-credit scene

Traven beckons Magnus over

Oh I was gonna look up a Barbie fact

Shoutout to the Amelia Project

Merliah is played by Barbie

She has her dolphin companion Zuma

Merliah refuses the call to adventure

I’ve seen Queen of the Waves 2 a lot, definitely

 

SWM+ THANKS

n/a

 

SUMMARY:

Episode: 1284

Title: Tried and Tested | Alba Salix S2E2

Deep Dark Night United: n/a

Plugs: Alba Salix; Sleep With Me Plus; SleepPhones; Rusty Biscuit Links; Emily Tat Artwork; NAPAWF; Anti-Racism Resources; Ukraine Relief; Crisis Textline

Sponsors: Helix Sleep; Zocdoc; Progressive; Lumen

SWM+ Thanks: n/a

Notable Language:

• Merliah
• Overly Verbose
• Unfit for Inspection
• Minister Fearsome
• Persimmon Personality Index
• Persimmon Personnel
• Focusing Your Brainial Waves
• The princeling of waters
• An Honster (An Honest Answer)
• Ink Evaporization Pressurization
• Butterfly of Chaos
• Polipaga, the Drinker of Tears
• The Eye of Morguland
• S-I-R-I

 

Notable Culture:

• Barbie: A Mermaid’s Tale

• • Barbie
  • Merliah, Queen of the Waves

• Alba Salix

• • Amelia Project
  • Tarot
  • Elvis

• Cabin in the Woods

• The Amelia Project

 

Notable Talking Points:

• I can’t even think how to do the intro right now
• Set aside whatever’s keeping you awake
• I’m not home right now and I’ve got a lot going on
• The mission of the podcast has never been more clear to me than in this moment
• A little bit of rest and a little bit of respite
• Who’s Merliah?
• Merliah, Queen of the Waves
• Who here knows about Merliah?
• I just realized the secret meaning of this word
• It’s a podcast you just barely listen to
• “Ok, he’s just gonna talk about Barbie and Alba Salix and I don’t have to listen”
• I’m not great at being overly verbose
• Confusingly Over Verbose
• Explaining the structure of the show
• What an honor it is to be there with people
• Doing this show for you relaxes me
• You and I are sharing this safe place
• S2E2 Tried and Tested
• An inspection from the minister
• Oh, it’s MInister Pearcey!
• Reading a plug for the Amelia Project
• Loria Bernice greets the Minister
• Is the presentation for the chancellor ready for today?
• Today is the inspection of the House of Healing
• Minister Pearcey would like a bitter, lemony frowny kind of drink for today
• They better be ready for that inspection
• Holly is singing a song after tidying up
• Magnus accidentally drops a beaker
• Unfit for Inspection
• Don’t call Pearcey Minister Fearsome
• No one open the right hand supply cupboard
• Minister is surprised by how thorough this cleaning is
• Wow, they’ve actually gotten stuff done!
• The new reception area is great
• The new storage unit is being delivered today
• We’ll miss you, old pantry
• The new office is working great
• Holly will have to label all the new labels! Yaay
• Magnus doesn’t miss the buckets and rakes
• Checking in on Magnus’s living conditions
• We’ll find a suitable room for Magnus within walking distance
• Magnus wants to take a carriage to work
• Persimmon Personality Index
• Persimmon Personnel
• What kind of personality type are we?
• Pearcey doesn’t approve of these worker type tests
• Holly wants to know how Minister Pearcey likes to work
• Alba, look at this sapphire and answer some questions
• Holly is quizzing Minister Pearcey
• Are you more like a pond or a brick wall?
• Holly now quizzes Magnus
• Magnus finds this boring
• Magnus teases Holly
• MInister Pearsey keeps picking the middle 5
• Focusing Your Brainial Waves
• Can we get onto some actual business?
• Traven, an awkward, 20something from Magic Support is here
• That’s a tiny storage unit!
• Dragonwork 3C
• This will expand to fill the whole room
• Did you hear that crackle and hiss?
• An Air Mattress Sound
• It takes a while to expand to full size
• A big project coming up for the Transmutation Lab
• Holly has their personality results
• Magnus wishes he had been a wizard
• Pearcey has to leave soon
• Is Holly allowed to touch the sapphire?
• The sapphire amplifies mental vibrations
• That was a surprisingly long silence
• A reflection of your true inner self
• The princeling of waters
• A rebellious spirit
• Suddenly Magnus is interested
• Alba also drew the Princeling of Waters
• This can’t just be coincidence
• Alba and Magnus might have more in common than you think
• Alba and Magnus hate this
• Pearcey is interested to learn this
• Pearcey – The Scribe
• Order, honesty, reliability
• I guess this isn’t the worst quiz
• A keeper of … secrets?
• This is just a game, not a trustworthy test
• Holly resents that people are mocking her test
• Holly is…The Queen of the Wind
• Fated to bring not great stuff
• Traven runs into a problem with the installation
• There wasn’t enough space
• Into the House of Healing Hallway
• Did you double check the measurements before you opened the package
• An Honster (An Honest Answer)
• Why can’t they just shrink it?
• That’s dangerous
• We have to clear out the building
• Alba approaches Holly
• Holly is upset that this is all her fault
• Holly just wants to help people
• This isn’t Holly’s fault at all
• Alba tells Holly she’s actually a very good fairy
• Back to the building
• The building will be fine
• Traven thanks Magnus for covering for him
• Alba is having trouble with a cabinet in her office
• Magnus needs help remembering the password…
• Traven offers to reset the password for Magnus
• Magnus goes through the cabinet
• What’s this book?
• A book out of a movie from the autumnal season
• A blade of the night, Skytalon
• Magnus is playing with some heavy magic stuff
• Uh oh, this dinnerware is erasing ink from these papers
• Magnus is in over his head
• Holly comes upon Magnus
• What did Magnus do?
• It smells like ink evaporating
• What is that tapping sound?
• A winged thing inside of a jar?
• Why does Alba have a butterfly in a jar hidden in this cabinet?
• Holly, don’t open that jar!
• Fairies train butterflies
• A Butterfly of Chaos
• You two will dance for me, the butterfly of chaos
• Why is this butterfly shooting lightning bolts??
• This butterfly ate all the flowers and bugs and living creatures
• Alba kept this butterfly from eating everything
• Bunnies vs Rabbits
• I don’t like this butterfly’s smile
• I will erase all the ink 
• Polipaga, the Drinker of Tears
• Holly loves when Barbie was Merliah, Queen of the Waves
• Was Barbie Merliah? Or just playing Merliah?
• Holly will control the wind to face this lightning butterfly
• Polipaga will not suffer any minions
• I’m about to debutter your flies
• How is Holly this powerful?
• Holly’s wind power sweeps the butterfly away
• They get the butterfly back in the jar and he apologizes
• It was cool how Holly had all that power
• Back to the House of Healing checkup room
• The Eye of Morguland
• Magnus hands Holly a giant tome
• They’re confusing the AI cataloger
• This cataloger makes Siri look easy
• Oh wait, don’t forget the post-credit scene
• Traven beckons Magnus over
• Oh I was gonna look up a Barbie fact
• Shoutout to the Amelia Project
• Merliah is played by Barbie
• She has her dolphin companion Zuma
• Merliah refuses the call to adventure
• I’ve seen Queen of the Waves 2 a lot, definitely