994 – Sticky Map Making | Tales of Lady Witchbeard Ep4

Notable Language:

• Arena of Expertise
• Norfez Fane
• Cross-Indexing

Notable Culture:

• “Candy Man” song
• Sigmund Freud
• Star Trek: TNG

Notable Talking Points:

• Some Sort of Synaptic Miracle
• Someone is paying for the roots
• Treachery abounds
• •  

Episode 994 – Sticky Map Making | Tales of Lady Witchbeard Ep4

 

[START OF RECORDING]

 

SCOOTER:    Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s time for the podcaster, patron, that you make possible.  Couldn’t do it without you.  Wouldn’t want to, anyway.  So, let’s set sail because it’s time for Sleep With Me, patrons, the podcast that puts you to sleep.

 

INTRO:    [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing?  Trouble getting to sleep?  Trouble staying asleep?  Well, welcome.  This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  We do it with a bedtime story.  Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play.  I’m gonna do the rest.  What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake.  It could be thoughts, things on your mind that you’re thinking about, so thoughts from the past, present, or future.  It could be…so, feelings, any emotions coming up about the thoughts or that are just there.  Could be physical sensations, could be changes in routine or time or temperature or work anticipation.  Could be after something.

 

Sometimes…not a lot; I was gonna say a lot of times…I say well, that’s probably not true.  But a lot of times I’m processing…pre-processing or post-processing events.  Like, I’m trying to think of an event that I could give you an example, but let’s just say there was a holiday called Mashed Potatoes Day and it was a actual…an important holiday and everybody would get together.  You’d have…it wasn’t just about mashed potatoes, but that’s just what popped in my head.  It was a big deal; you’re supposed to eat with your family, okay?  Let’s say that, or your family figures or people you’re close to.  Or you could say well, it was mashed…friends…mash it up.  I don’t know.  Not the greatest analogy, but that’s my job.

 

But sometimes I would get home from something like that and I’d say okay, when…you know, and maybe I’m not even overthinking it, saying oh boy, why did you say…candied yams?  How about I sing the song from the Candyman?  You say, that wasn’t even a joke.  It was just…and I say okay, well, I did it.  People seemed to grin.  But even if I didn’t do that…let’s say I just get home and I say wow, that went pretty good.  I’m gonna read my…I’m gonna do my bedtime routine and get in bed.  Sometimes my…I’m still processing stuff, even of neutral things.  I say, what…that’s what I say; what are you doing processing that, brain and…or subconscious?  My subconscious is always like just…we…there’s a reason this door is locked.  We don’t need you down here mucking around.

 

I’d say well, I just…I know you’re…I thought that went pretty good though, so I just want to know if there’s anything I should be…no, we’re just…it’s just…we’re just processing stuff, Scoots.  Why do you always gotta imagine there’s some other…down in the subconscious, there are no ulterior motives.  We’re just motivated down here.  I say wait a second, that totally makes sense to me.  Up on the surface is where the motives become ulterior?  We can’t explain it to you, but yeah.  We’re just down here…when we say we’re processing things down here, that’s all we’re doing.  It’s a non-binary function.  We’re just processing.  Are you saying if I come into your…can I…’cause I tried to get this door unlocked.  If I come in here…so, there will be no all-or…is there any all-or-nothing thinking down here?

 

Hello?  Hello?  Oh, they walked away from the door, I guess.  Oh sorry, I was in the middle of an analogy at the start of a sleep podcast?  Oh boy, I forgot what the analogy was.  I got lost.  I tried to get into my subconscious there.  Oh, but yeah, then I just say…then I’m tossing and turning.  So, whatever’s keeping you awake; it could be any of those things or it could be something else.  Could be something baffling or just unrelated.  You could always let me know about it, too.  But whatever’s keeping you awake, I’d like to take your mind off of that.  What I’m going to attempt to do is send my voice across the deep, dark night.  I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents.

 

I’m gonna go off-topic as you’ve seen, get mixed up as you’ve witnessed, all to keep you company while you fall asleep.  I’m trying to create a safe place where you feel comfortable not to…that’s the first level of comfort I…like, you say, I’m so comfortable I don’t even feel like I need to listen to you.  I know you’re kinda barely making sense and that’s nice, but…oh, if you’re new, welcome.  I’m glad you’re here.  That was the first thing I always like to point out to new listeners, is this is a podcast you don’t really listen to.  You just kinda barely pay attention.  That could take some getting used to.  It’s not something that everybody…makes sense on the first try.  Some people are waiting for the show to get…they say, when does the bedtime story get started or when’s it get lulling and soothing?

 

I say, kinda…it…this is more…this show is more process-based, just like they said down there in the land where no motives are ulterior.  Not that I buy that.  I’ll tell you what, I don’t buy what they’re selling down there any…I mean, I do, but I never know it.  It’s just…it must be like, what…my subconscious is one of those subscription services that renews that you don’t even know you’re subscribed to.  It’s just always auto-renewing…it’s always influencing me, even…I say, what is…I never thought about that.  I say wait a second, isn’t there a way to turn off that auto-renewal?  They say no, Scoots.  You can’t do that.  So, oh, so if you’re new, don’t really list…don’t pay me any mind, as my nana says.  She lives…I think she lives down there.  She seems to have ulterior motives.

 

Was it…what did…I think I even mispronounced ulterior.  But anyway, so, don’t listen to me.  This podcast also doesn’t really put you to sleep; it’s more here to keep you company while you fall asleep, which is a little bit different in the sense that I’m only here to take your mind off of stuff so that you could drift off, or if you can’t sleep, I’m here to keep you company.  So, I’m here to keep you company whether you listen to me or not or whether you need to or not.  You could just fall asleep.  It’s my job to just be here at your side, really, because that’s the other part of the show that’s important, is I know how it feels there in the deep, dark night.  Tossing, turning, I’ve been there.  I mean, last night, what did I say?  I said, what are you processing?  I’m trying to sleep over here.  They say Scoots, this is neutral processing.

 

We’re cleansing the neurons.  I say, can you cleanse the neurons in a little bit quieter fashion?  ‘Cause, I don’t know, it’s getting on my nerves.  Talk about an accidental pun.  Wow, I just walked into…that had to come from my subconscious.  Sorry, I take it all back.  I did not realize you had a sense of humor, subconscious, but I guess you really…we just witnessed some sort of synaptic miracle there.  Oh wait, some part of my brain said I don’t think synapses are nerves.  I say okay, well, either way, I’m on my last synapse.  So, oh, don’t listen to me.  I’m here to keep you company while you fall asleep…oh, ‘cause I know how it feels and I’d like to help if I can, and because your sleep is important.  You getting the sleep you deserve and need is important.

 

If I can’t help you with that, there’s other sleep podcasts and stuff you could try at sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou…has a list of them.  But yeah, give this show a few tries.  See if it helps you ‘cause if I can help or if you can get the rest you need some other way, our world’s gonna be a better place ‘cause your world’s a better place.  The other thing that is a little bit different about this podcast other than me getting mixed up and trying to knock on the door of my subconscious, I say…I’ve tried other things, too.  You know, the old…like, I’ve tried ruses.  I say, yeah, this is Dr. Freud knocking.  I’ve got a…I’m trying to figure out if this is a cigar or not.  They told me to come down here.  [00:10:00] They said, is a cigar…where’s the cigar?  In your…and I say no, no, no, this is a sleep podcast.  It’s behind my ear.

 

Nope, that’s a pen, Dr. Freud.  Go back upstairs ‘cause we know it’s…oh, it’s not a cigar.  You’re right.  This is…Dr. Freud, I also have a bubble machine.  Can you help me with that one?  ‘Cause I can’t…I consulted everything I had; I couldn’t figure out why I keep having this bubble machine pop up.  Because you need to take…you need to get cleaned up.  Go upstairs, please.  Oh, okay.  So, oh, structure of the show can throw people off.  So, the show starts off with a greeting so you feel welcome, then there’s listener support, then there’s support for the podcast.  That fits our goals.  I want you to feel welcome, I want you to have some extra access to resources, and I want this show to be free and come out regularly twice a week.  Then there’s the intro.  The intro’s around ten to twenty minutes long.

 

Some people feel like the intro and the business is combined, but the intro is separate.  It’s a show within a show in some sense that you could skip, and 2% or 3% of people do.  If you’ve listened a few times, I think it’s totally cool to skip the intro, but I don’t want you to miss out on this stuff.  I mean, who would have known…I mean, who really…I guess I should have known my subconscious had some sort of sly sense of humor, but they snuck that joke right past me, or that pun.  I mean, I can’t even think of puns.  I guess I’m trying to…I guess I should just let that part of me process the…processing puns.  But the intro is for regular listeners that listen to it as a chance to wind down before the story starts, to get comfortable, to do some sort of bedtime routine, and to kinda enter night mode slowly, ‘cause it’s not like a switch that you just turn on and off.

 

It’s something that you kinda gently ease your way into, at least in my experience and for the listeners that I hear from on a regular basis.  You could do some sort of relaxing activity, you could get ready for bed, or you could be in bed getting comfortable.  But so, that’s what the intro is here for.  Then there’s business between the intro and the show.  That’s just kind of a podcast structure thing as a whole, and it’s…and that’s just part of the business that keeps the show free, coming out twice a week.

 

Then there will be our bedtime story.  Tonight it’ll be our episodically modular series, Tales of Lady Witchbeard.  She’s a…she’s great; she’s a witch, she’s a pirate, and she’s altogether awesome.  Then the show ends with some thank-yous and goodnights.  So, that’s the structure of the show, that’s why I make the show.  Give it a few tries.  See how it goes.  I’m really glad you’re here.  I really appreciate you checking the podcast out.  I really work hard, I yearn and I strive, and I really hope I can help you fall asleep.  Here’s a few of the ways I’m able to be here for you free twice a week.  Thanks.

 

Alright everybody, this is Scoots here and it’s time for our episodically modular series, the Tales of Lady Witchbeard.  So if you’re new, what…it does have some seriality to it so if you love seriality, you’re in the right place, too.  But episodically modular means you could listen to a serial story in any order.  I may have just contradicted myself and…contradictions?  We’ve got a few.  But really, I’m here to tell you you can have peace of mind.  If this is your first episode of Lady Witchbeard, I’m gonna tell you everything you need to know so you can forget about it and then you don’t even have to listen.  But you could listen if you like.  But I’m gonna fill you in on everything, so then if you want to listen to the earlier episodes, you say oh, okay, this is like watching a prequel or one of those series where stuff happens out of order anyway.

 

I mean, Hollywood called and they told me they’ve been doing episodically modular stuff since…they said 19-aught something.  I said, what?  I don’t know…even know when…you…I said, are you talking MCMXXL to me or something?  Then I realized I was dreaming.  Oh, sorry, so this is Tales of Lady Witchbeard.  Lady Witchbeard; she’s a witch, she’s a pirate.  She was born a witch in a witch world or a witch realm, if you wish.  She was part of a witch-based society in a witch-based world.  I guess it wouldn’t be a witch-based world because that would…then one of the witches might be the planet.  But she was living in a world where most beings were witch…more industries were witch-related industries.  But she said to herself, despite all the choices I have, this just isn’t for me.

 

I’m not…and at first she thought well, I’m in a witch-based world.  She hadn’t been…the multiverse or whatever…I call it the transverse plane…had not been revealed to her.  Once it was, she traveled to a pirate-based realm, or a pirate…I don’t know, a pirate world and she said well, this is what I like.  This is me.  So, she became a pirate, a witch-pirate.  Neither one of these are our…happened in our universe, but very similar to ours, as you could imagine if…as you’ll need to imagine.  But I’ll do most of the imagining for you.  So, she lived a really…she was a very successful pirate actually, until she met a character a bit like me.  Actually, she met me after she took a little…a sabbatical.  I met her at a bed and breakfast, talked her into going on an adventure, or kinda accidentally created an adventure.

 

She dealt with Hernan Cortes.  She had a strong dislike for him, and ended up…she did a lot of stuff, and then I ended up getting scattered across the multiverse, or the transverse, and she had to collect me ‘cause I was…it’s…long story.  I guess I…she said that was exhausting and pointless and many other…I don’t know if those are adverbs or adjectives, but she used a lot of those.  She needed some R&R from that…from helping me, like all heroines do.  I mean, well, she was acting as a heroine collecting me and whatever, but…and it ended up…she…between the advent…between all these side adventures she had, her…whatever you call it, your…I don’t know what you even call it.  What do you call that?  I almost had the word.  She wasn’t up to date on her pirate licenses and stuff.

 

I think there’s another word for it, but…’cause you’re…she was in a pirate guild, right?  There’s like, pirate…journey pirate or something, journey person pirate, and apprentice pirate, and maybe applicant-to-be-a-pirate.  They said since you haven’t paid your dues and you haven’t kept up all of your…what are those things called where you take a test and they say oh boy, okay, you got that?  Did her refresher on bowlin…bowline knots or whatever the heck…I don’t know, compass at night or something.  I don’t know any of that.  Certifications; that’s what I was thinking.  So, they said unfortunately if you don’t respond to this letter, you’ll be a apprentice pirate again.  She didn’t really bother too much with that, so she had become an apprentice pirate.  She was still on vacay…or vacation or sabbatical.

 

Finally I convinced her to go on some…another adventure to find a woman named Brandy who I thought it would have been the…well, I just was randomly playing songs about the sea to try to get her to go on an adventure, mostly purely ‘cause I wanted to be on an adventure with Lady Witchbeard.  Who wouldn’t?  Then she was willing to go on an adventure to get away from the Pirate Guild saying well, now you have to be an apprentice to this full-fledged pirate Don Dankle.  Unfortunately, when we headed off, we did find Brandy.  We lost Lady Witchbeard’s ship and then we met up with Don Dankle anyway.  I think I got us captured because I was a burden; I was playing around too much.  But before we had very much of an adventure, we did find Brandy.  Then now we’re on Don Dankle’s ship.

 

Lady Witchbeard is Don Dankle’s apprentice.  I would like to be Lady Witchbeard’s apprentice, but I’m more like her not-apprentice.  She would say I’m like…whoa, something weighing her down.  I think she said I’m like [00:20:00] soggy clothes.  But so, oh, Don Dankle…so, we’re on Don Dankle’s ship.  Don Dankle’s not bad nor good.  Don Dankle’s first in command is Don Dankle’s library.  So, when they say Number One on Star Trek, that was Riker.  On other stuff, I don’t know.  That’s the only other ship I know, the…anybody…the command structure.  But so, on Don Dankle’s ship, I think there’s probably other officers or something.  I don’t know how piracy works.  I never pay attention enough, another one of…things Lady Witchbeard says under her breath.

 

But I know it’s Don Dankle, Number One which is Don Dankle’s…not the Number One I’m thinking of, but Don Dankle’s library.  Let’s see, so we had convinced…I’ll catch you up on anything else that happened because we’re gonna be talking about it in one second.  We convinced Don Dankle to go to Northezspan because I convinced Lady Witchbeard that that’s where the gold from Brandy’s necklace was from.  Of course, if there’s gonna be gold, pirates…gold and piracy would seem to go together.  Ended up, they had stopped mining gold and they had removed all the mining equipment to head somewhere else.  So, I think the last we left off was Don Dankle’s…like, let’s look into what they’re mining.

 

No reason to pirate mining equipment ’cause it’s incredibly heavy, and I can’t imagine selling mining equipment would be easy.  I think they said don’t hold the mining equipment…the other idea was okay, well, we could just hold the mining equipment for…in exchange for gold.  But whoever was on the boat said that would not be a good idea.  Maybe; I’m…like I said, I don’t remember anything.  But I think that’s everything.  So, we’re on a boat, we’re trying to figure out where this mining equipment’s going.  They said it’s going somewhere to mine something more valuable than gold, but not love ‘cause I said is it love?  Can you mine love?  ‘Cause anyway, I’ll…put me on the other ship, then.  ‘Cause I said well, what could be more valuable than gold, Lady Witchbeard?  She said silence.

 

I said well, if you give me some gold, I’ll…maybe I’ll stop…I’d probably forget to stop talking ‘cause I think that was just a…so, anyway, we’re back now.  Here’s our Hollywood announcer.  Is he here?  Is he on Zoom or is he Zooming from his car in my parking spot?  Does it make a difference?  Not so far because we’re still able to play board games together whether we’re together…we’re together remotely.  I can’t remotely find enough ways to thank him.  This is Mr. Antonio Banderas.  Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s time to set sail for another tale of Lady Witchbeard.  Yeah.  Splash.  Whoosh.  Thanks, Antonio.  How come no one wants to play that…the park game I got?  I try…everybody to get…do you want to play that game?  It’s three players.  Oh, so that’s a no.  Okay, well, this is Tales…that was Antonio Banderas.  This is Tales of Lady Witchbeard.

 

Okay, okay, Lady Witchbeard, I’m sorry but it was a easy mistake to make.  I mean, it’s not like I had the lyrics written down; I just had the lyrics that I heard in the song.  Yeah, but Daw, why didn’t you write…?  Did you think to print the lyrics out or save them on your phone?  To be honest, I did not.  I thought…I figured that once you heard the song you would know the lyrics.  Daw, this is your arena.  You’re supposed to be…this is your arena of expertise and you said gold from North of Spain, and then we realized gold from Northezspan is our world’s…if the song about Brandy was written in our world and made its way to your world…but if it’s not gold, Daw, how can I trust any of the other lyrics?  What if the…was it even…what if it was Brindy or somebody else?  You’re right, because Brandy really hasn’t been involved in anything.

 

But Brandy seems pretty nice.  I mean…and I thought you were just…Don Dankle also said we couldn’t talk to Brandy.  Then you’ve kinda seemed to keep your distance, so I figured it was some sort of thing.  But just ‘cause I got silver and…how did you know…oh, you…how’d you know it was silver?  Because I started looking.  I looked through one of the books in the library and regions, cities, and states that started with anything sounding like N.  I realized I forgot about Norfesfain.  I’m sorry, can you say that…?  Northezspan.  North of Spain.  You’re saying it’s Norves…Norves?  Norfes; Norfesfain.  Norvesfain?  That sounds like somebody…Norvesfain?  Norfesfain.  It’s more Fs, Daw.  It was silver from Norfesfain.  How do you know that?

 

Well, I went and I hid on the other…I watched Brandy go by and I said wow, is that silver from Norfesfain?  She turned and looked but I was hiding.  Well, that’s a pretty…did you try…is that gold from Northezspan?  She would have said something.  Didn’t you…don’t you think, Daw, she would have said something to somebody on the ship when we were almost in Northezspan?  Okay, let’s…I understand and I take full accountability and responsibility, Lady Witchbeard.  So, as you’re…also, I did have one other thing I wanted to talk to you about while I’m talking full accountability.  What better way for me to take full accountability than to be an apprentice witch?  I’ve been thinking; what better way to get me more focused on…than teaching me some just basic…I don’t…I know you don’t like that word…some basic witchery.

 

Not boring stuff; I don’t want to be measuring ingredients.  That’s not in my skill set, but I’d like some basic spells or things.  Like, I’d like to be an apprentice witch or apprentice pirate witch, if I could.  Daw, we need to focus on the lyrics of the song which now…I mean, I’m not even trying to be short-tempered but we can’t…I can’t trust any of your…I mean, I should have known that, so I’m a little bit frustrated with myself that I trusted you would be able to remember lyrics from a song, and that’s not to degrade you.  I just…like you said, that’s not your area of expertise.

 

So, we need to do some research and this Number One, the library…Don Dankle’s library’s limited but I think we need to find the lyrics of the song or get…’cause I guess now I’m thinking even if we went to where the silver was mined, it may give us another clue on whatever Don Dankle’s pursuing, and I think we must already be…we’re not allowed off the ship, but he should be returning with information.  Well, can’t we just ask Brandy what the lyrics of the song…?  Oh, I guess she wouldn’t know.  Like, wasn’t there a song about you?  She doesn’t know anything about the song.  Does she know anything about the song, Lady Witchbeard?  Daw, I said no, so we…Brandy’s not involved in this.  Okay, well, if that’s the case, then should we just go down to the library?

 

What do you think about that magic stuff, though?  Okay.  Daw, you’re right; let’s go down to the library.  Also, that’d be always good…if Don Dankle sees us working with Number One, it’s always good.  So, what are we gonna be looking for?  Well, you look up…see if you can find…I don’t know.  See what you can find in maps…see if you can cross-reference anything with Norfesfain or silver or myths…I don’t know.  I think we need to find the lyrics.  Lady Witchbeard, you’re thinking [00:30:00] something you’re not…you’re giving me a task to pursue while you’re pursuing the main task that you’re not telling me about, I think.  Oh Daw, you really know me well.  Let’s go in the library.  Hello, Number One; it’s Lady Witchbeard and Daw.  Okay, well, do…why don’t you just let me work?

 

Seriously Daw, look up maps…why don’t you get that book of maps…like, L, N, and M, and start looking up maps from…again, in the map index and then get the map index.  Okay, what are you gonna do?  I’m gonna look up…I want to find the limitations of the library, so that’s why I’m asking you to do that, and I’m gonna be looking up…I’m gonna be cross-indexing.  Lady Witchbeard, what’s cross…oh, hello, Don Dankle.  Ah, Lady Witchbeard and Daw.  Good to see you here working with Number One.  Sorry Don Dankle, that kinda makes me giggle.  But it would be funnier if you said working with Number Two.  Okay, well, please, I need to focus.  I don’t mean to interrupt the two of you doing your research, so just pretend I’m not here.  I need to look up some things.

 

Do you need some…I was just about to learn how to cross-reference things, Don Dankle.  No, no, no, I’d like to…please, Lady…I need to think, Daw.  Lady Witchbeard, maybe I’ll speak to you and Number One together while Daw does busy work.  Did you assign Daw busy work, Lady Witchbeard?  Well, I was gonna do some cross-indexing, Don Dankle.  No, Daw’s doing some…he’s…Daw’s supposed to be looking up some maps.  Well, Number One, Lady Witchbeard, we’ve got some interesting news.  You could probably tell; everyone’s returning to the ship.  I guess I’m just confused or a little bit taken aback because…so, we went ashore.  We followed…we sailed along with the ship with the mining equipment and there was a large group waiting for them and they started unloading it right away.

 

You know, they gave us…they did say…oh yeah, they escorted us here.  There was no piracy.  We went to find out what they were mining.  Of course, with the ulterior motive, whatever they were mining’s more valuable than gold.  But one of the theories I’ve learned from Number One and seen and Lady Witchbeard, you’ve earned some trust…and then decide.  So, we found out they’re…mining is a strange way to say what they’re doing.  They are mining roots.  Mining roots, Don Dankle?  Is that a metaphor?  No, no, that’s actually what they’re doing, some sort of sava root.  These giant trees…apparently it grows in different coastal areas…I’ve been told almost every coastal area.  There’s a sava-type tree across the twelve seas and everywhere the roots of these trees are being mined.

 

Don Dankle, when you say they’re being mined, what’s the difference?  Well, these are very ancient trees, Lady Witchbeard, so their roots go deep.  So, it isn’t that different than…because the roots are very strong, they need the mining equipment.  They would be more of a shallower depth than some sort of deep mine like you’d see in an entertainment…or you’d imagine.  But it makes more sense to just mine them than to try to get the trees out of the ground and take the roots.  Don Dankle, these roots when mined are worth more than gold.  Yeah, apparently someone is paying for the roots, but it gets less and less…the roots can’t be transported; they’re ground up and then they’re stored in these piles that are covered up, or some are stored underground as a part of the…they create a storage place.

 

As they’re mining it, they actually are mining the roots.  Anyway, storage doesn’t matter, Lady Witchbeard.  It may matter, Don Dankle, if I could run it by Number One for you.  Well, that’s why I’m here.  So, we said well, if it’s worth more than its weight in gold…they didn’t…I don’t think they said its weight in gold but for us, its ground root…taking…a shipload of ground roots is…it’s too much surface area.  That much would not be worth anything.  So, this is happening across the twelve seas, Don Dankle?  That’s what I’ve heard, but I can’t…I mean, there’s no way for us…I mean, we’d have to confirm it ourselves.  I guess you don’t have an answer to the question of what is the root for, otherwise you would have told me or you’d be more focused.  It’s incredibly confusing.  It’s I daresay a mystery, Lady Witchbeard.

 

If what they’re saying is true, across the twelve seas someone with great resources is having this root mined and stored, or harvested from these trees.  Just their roots; a coastal tree in great, great numbers, Lady Witchbeard.  These were gigantic groves of trees.  No one seems to know…it’s almost like…and I’m not saying this is the case, but it’s like busy work like Daw’s doing over there.  No, no, no, it’s not busy work, Don Dankle.  This is important work.  I’ve found…look at…oh, there’s…a map just fell out here…the book on the floor here.  It was in here.  I don’t know what…oh boy, I don’t know what page…I think a page fell out.  Well, go ahead and open it up, Daw, and then you should be able to figure…well, it’s this…it’s a map.  It’s just like a drawn map, though; it doesn’t have anything written on it.  Huh, you’re right, Daw.

 

Looks like someone drew that.  Well, anyway…now I understand you, Lady Witchbeard, a little bit better.  So, I’m…oh, thank you.  Yeah, here’s…this is sava root.  While you were talking to Daw, I grabbed it.  Huh, so sava root, it’s used in…well, in some traditions used in foods and…I don’t know, other domestic uses.  I mean, this doesn’t make any sense at all; puddings, paint…I mean, Lady Witchbeard, can you make…I don’t know.  Don Dankle, I don’t know either.  Even coming from my world, it’s been a long time and I don’t have a Number One as you do, but…and sava root sounds familiar, but I can’t quite…I never associate it with mass production, mass collection, or high value.  Don Dankle, I guess I would propose…what if someone was…if it’s…is it really as valuable as gold?

 

Like, what if someone was to take a thimbleful of it or we were to take it and take it and hold it?  It wouldn’t make any sense Lady Witchbeard, because most everyone is…it’s only valuable if it’s stored in these areas where they’re collecting it.  Then again, you could…it’s valuable en masse in-location, but not away from the location.  I don’t know how to describe it except that I guess if you…if people were selling sea…if the seas are valuable…but if you had a wheelbarrow full of seawater and someone called the sea valuable, that…I understand, Don Dankle.  So, here’s what I’m thinking, Number One, and Lady Witchbeard is here with us…oh, also, I am, too…is…Number One, we’re gonna look at the…you don’t have the…so, the guild was…releases updates and newsletters, Lady Witchbeard, and I had been away.

 

I was on a mission before I came…before I was granted…before I was sent to…[00:40:00] you know how time flows here at the twelve seas.  So, I think the two of us, we could page through all the guild updates, but I don’t…I mean, I read the guild updates and as you were…Daw said, cross-index sava root mining…sava trees in the updates, the update index, but the last update index is somewhat out of date.  I had planned on us already have visiting…visited a guild library and getting updates and map revisions.  That might help you, Daw.  Yeah, I’m trying to…I’m just cross-indexing over here.  I’m just cross-indexing these maps except for this blank map.  I couldn’t…I actually forgot about…that I was supposed to be looking in the index.  I was just trying to find where this map fell out of.

 

Well yeah, we need…I mean, revisions would be good.  So, what I’m thinking, Lady Witchbeard, is we’ve set sail for the nearest regional guild office which has a library.  I don’t know, I need to go check in with the navigators.  I appreciate that you and Daw are here working with Number One.  I’m quite pleased.  Yeah, so, I’ll be back to check in.  Maybe you and Daw could…we could go to the guild office together when we…we’ll head out on the excursion, the three of us.  Yeah, that’d be great, Don Dankle.  It was good to see you.  Good to see you, Lady Witchbeard.  Thank you.  Number One, keep up the good work.  Daw, Lady Witchbeard.  Oh, sorry, I was focusing on the index, Don Dankle.

 

So, oh, so Lady Witchbeard, look at this map; it’s…do you have any idea if you think this map’s important or if it’s…Daw, that looks like a map someone started and didn’t finish or something.  Okay, well, so, what do you think of what…it seems like things are going good with Don Dankle.  We get to…what should we…and now I’m really confused, too.  Also, what was I supposed to be looking up in the index?  Brandy?  No, but Don Dankle gave me an idea of exactly…this library’s not gonna have what we’re looking for.  Sorry Number One, I apologize on behalf of Lady Witchbeard; she’s not saying…no, no, Number One is doing the best…the best ship-bound library I’ve ever been in.  No, Daw; we need to go to Library Island.  Ooh, Library Island, what’s that?  It’s a storehouse of information, Daw.  Come on.

 

It’s an island, it’s a library.  There’s three throughout the twelve seas that keep all the information; all the revisions.  Not only the revisions Don Dankle’s looking for, but the ones we’d be looking for, and there’s librarians that could help us look it up.  Well, why didn’t you just have Don Dankle…why didn’t you have Don Dankle…just tell Don Dankle to go to Library Island instead of the Pirate’s Guild?  Because Daw, we can’t let Don Dankle know.  Don Dankle’s doing this mystery about these roots.  Well, yeah, it seems pretty mysterious.  Yeah, but Daw, it doesn’t…it’s busy work.  I don’t know if that’s what piracy’s become.  I’m not even sure…now I’m not sure I can be a witch-pirate.  I’d have to be a witch-pirate in…I guess I am a witch-pirate babysitter at this point.  Wait, you’ve…people left you in charge of their kids?

 

No, Daw.  Oh, well, okay, so we should go to Library Island.  Should we just let Don Dankle get out of the boat and then take off?  No, no, no, we’ll need Don Dankle and the ship.  We’ll have to find a way to get Don Dankle to go to Library Island.  Okay, so how are we gonna do that?  I’m not so sure.  But Lady Witchbeard, while you think of stuff, could you look at this map again?  Because I can’t figure out which way on the map is up.  It’s almost like you could choose…it doesn’t have a compass, so I don’t know which way is up, so I don’t know what this map…it’s kinda…I don’t know why it’s making me…do you think it’s even a map, or is it something else?  Oh, well, you know, there…that could be an apprentice spell I could have taught you, is to find out which page it fell out of.  I remember that.  Oh, could you teach that to me?

 

No, but it gives me an idea.  What’s the idea?  Well, if we take this map back to the room with us…yeah, here; come and sit down.  Now, you can watch this, Daw.  This is not anything…I’m gonna have to have you close your eyes when I’m doing some of the magic.  Well, what are you doing?  Well, so I remember there was…there’s a couple different spells I had learned with maps, or that I had taken from the witch world and adjusted to use with maps as I became a pirate.  Oh, Lady Witchbeard, I’m…you never talk about the past very much.  So yeah, one of the things would be, as you changed the recipe…not a spell recipe but if you were cooking something, you could add your own revisions.  A lot of magic kinda works like the internet now.  So, you could add your own revisions.

 

So, I took that I and I said well, we could make self-revising maps on my ship, and I could be able to look through the old revisions.  So, I guess unfortunately you’re correct, Daw.  So, there’s a self-revising map that would be…it would be mapping things as we were going.  But I could make notes, but I could also scroll through it, kinda solve what Don Dankle’s looking for, but that would have been forward revisions that we don’t have that Don Dankle’s in search of anyway.  Then I know you’re gonna change the subject, so please just don’t do it, Daw.  But there’s also this idea of using a little bit more powerful magic.  Okay, but you’re talking powerful magic now that uses what the person…a lot of…some of the…huh, I’m trying to think of how to not distract you, Daw.  I don’t know.  I guess it doesn’t matter.

 

What I’m going to do, and I’m gonna probably ask you to leave the room, is I’m gonna make this map…I’ll take this map because it’s already a little bit blank, and I’m gonna add a few layers to it, so I’m gonna need you to be very quiet and sit outside and actually quiet.  Okay, and what’ll those spells do?  Also, if I’m totally quiet, will you teach me…will you be…teach…make me your apprentice?  Apprentice pirate…witch-pirate-babysitter?  We’ll see, Daw.  We’ll see.  Maybe if you prove yourself to be very quiet, that could be…this could be your first…that could be part of your application, Daw.  Can you be quiet while I cast this…these spells?  So, I’m gonna show when someone looks at the map…and remember this Daw, because the map is gonna show you what you want to find but where I want them to find it.

 

So, what I need to be find…be finding I can…be found.  Lady Witchbeard, you’re starting to talk like me.  That doesn’t even make any sense.  So, you’re trying to find…have them find the map to find what you need found?  No, Daw.  What I need to…what I’m finding can be found.  Okay.  That’s Library Island, right?  That’s correct, Daw.  So, when they look at the map…like, if I had…if I wanted to eat something, then I would see a map to what I want to eat and it would be…?  I don’t understand.  You’re close, Daw.  The map will show them something…or the map will make itself a map to what…something they want to find, ‘cause that’s what maps do; they guide you to what you’re trying to find.  I mean, in some sense.  So, it’s a magical map to help them find what they need.  Is this what the whole story is like?

 

[00:50:00] That’s worth more than gold.  Well, no, it’s not actually helping them, Daw.  It’s a kind of a…like a loophole, because at the library…it’ll always lead them to Library Island.  Oh, ‘cause a library’s a place you could find anything.  Right, so it’s a bit of a trick.  So, they’ll see something they want, particularly Don Dankle, but you’re doing this just in case anybody else looks at it, too.  Like, I don’t know, one of Don Dankle’s…the other people we don’t really communicate with.  Correct, or if Number One is not listening.  I mean, Number One shouldn’t be listening in my room, anyway.  Okay, so basically when they look at the map, it’s gonna be a map to Library Island, but it won’t say Library Island; it’ll say Ham Sandwich Island or whatever.  Yeah, very good.  So, it’s a map of lies, or is it a lying map?  Well, it’s not a total lie.

 

So, it’s kind of a twist-on-the…a map…a twist-on-the-truth map.  Okay, why don’t you go outside and see if you could be quiet for a while?  Is this from your babysitting days, Lady Witchbeard?  I’m still learning to be a babysitter, Daw.  Okay, I’m just gonna sit out here and close my eyes and imagine…oh, you wake…Lady Witchbeard, huh, you woke me up.  Oh, hi, Don Dankle.  Oh, we’re heading out to the guild regional office?  Okay.  Oh, I can go back to sleep as soon as we get in the boat?  Oh, I was hoping to get a chance to row the boat.  Oh, yeah, this is…wow.  Oh, that’s what your other pirates do.  We’re just passengers.  Oh, it’s…okay, so now we just go up this hill.  So, there’s a Pirate Guild regional…a Pirate’s Guild regional office?  Huh, down this…through this…oh, okay.

 

This is…I guess I…normally I’d talk but you’re saying oh, maybe I could just walk in silence.  Oh, there it is there.  Oh, I fell asleep while I was walking?  I didn’t realize that.  Thanks, Lady Witchbeard, Don Dankle.  So, it’s kinda quiet around here.  I would have thought it would be…oh, there’s a town…the town’s quiet, too?  Is the guild’s office door usually boarded up like that?  No, it’s not, Daw.  Huh.  Let’s see.  Yeah, Daw, Lady Witchbeard, wait here.  I’m gonna try to get around back and see if there’s anything, but I want you two to stay by the door.  Daw, you’re good at knocking; just keep knocking.  Okay, I’ll do that.  Okay, Daw.  Yeah, Lady Witchbeard, why are you whispering?  Well, you were asleep the whole time that I got the magic…I magicked the map.

 

Now, it’s in your pocket, so I’m gonna…when we go into the guild, I want you…I’ll distract Don Dankle.  I was hoping Don Dankle would be engaged, but it looks like this is abandoned, this building.  So, find a spot and pretend like you found the map on the inside of the guild.  Okay.  So, you want me to pretend…oh, look, I found this and I just have it in my hand?  Yeah, but I’ll have Don Dankle covered, so…yeah.  I just…I guess…oh, hi, Don Dankle.  Lady Witchbeard, Daw, there’s no…I’m gonna have to take these boards off here with…I’m pretty strong, so…oh, I ripped those off.  Wow, Don Dankle, you’re strong.  I don’t know if you’re as strong as Lady Witchbeard, but you sure are strong.  Thanks, Daw.  This entire guild office is empty; there’s not even any furniture or bookshelves or service tables.  Nothing.

 

Sure is empty, huh?  Was this scheduled for a refurb or something?  No, this was supposed to be an active guild office unless something happened and I haven’t got a…I mean, I only missed two sets of newsletters.  Well, what should we do?  I mean, I don’t see anything in here.  Let’s look around and see if you could find anything.  I’m gonna look in the hearth here.  Lady Witchbeard, can you look around?  But the two of us will look deeper if we need to.  Oh, look at this; there’s a piece of paper here.  Okay, what does the paper say, Daw?  It’s a map or something.  Okay, Daw.  Why don’t you hold onto it?  What does it say on the map?  I don’t know.  It has ye olde writing type stuff on it.  Okay, hold onto it for now.  I’m not looking for any maps this second, but it could be useful.

 

As a matter of fact, Daw, we’re gonna need you to go outside.  Why?  Well, there’s…all the guild offices have a hidden strongbox and you can only know where the hidden strongboxes…if you’ve become a full-fledged pirate, which you’re not, and it’s nothing personal; I just can’t show you where it’s hidden because it’s part of…it’s a secret.  Well, I won’t really remember anyway.  Daw can wait outside.  Don’t worry, Don Dankle.  You sure you don’t want to look at this map first, Don Dankle?  No, no.  Just wait outside and close the door please, Daw.  Okay, I’ll just wait outside.  So, it’s a secret strongbox.  Is it hidden under some boards of wood or something?  Just go outside please, Daw.

 

Okay, well, I’ll shut the door here and I guess I’ll just sit out here and wait for…well, maybe I’ll walk around here a little bit because otherwise I’ll be too tempted to look in.  I don’t want them getting mad at me.  But I forgot about it.  I wonder what would happen if I looked at the magic map and saw…but maybe…did Lady Witchbeard tell me not to look at it?  I think she would probably tell me not to look at it.  I’ll just hold onto it here.  Well, maybe I’ll unscroll it and just let it scroll back up.  I mean, it’s…I kinda really want to look at it though, but I also want to be Lady Witchbeard’s…oh, somebody’s coming.  Oh, hello, hello, hello.  Oh, hello.  Hi, I’m Daw.  Who are…it looks like you’re a group of pirates.  Hi.  What’s this?  You got a map there?  Me?  No, this is just a scroll.  I was just holding this scroll.  Are you going to the guild office?

 

Looks like a map to me.  I’d like to have a look at it.  Oh, well, I’m holding it, actually.  It’s not my scroll to give out.  Also, the guild office is closed, but you may want to check in there because Lady Witchbeard and Don Dankle are there.  Funny, mate.  Yeah, we were already there.  We saw the doors were bolted and we were headed out when I heard something.  Okay, well, that’s great.  I could tell Lady Witchbeard and Don Dankle that you said hello.  Please don’t talk in myths to me.  Give us the scroll.  Avast, I cannot give you the scroll or the…I can’t give you the map, either.  Ah, so it is a map there.  Here is a map, yeah.  Okay, we’ll just take it.  No, no, please don’t.  Oh, you’re trying to take it out of my hands.  Oh, it’s kinda stuck to my hand; that’s weird.

 

Okay, yeah, you can’t seem to…you’re pulling, but it’s not gonna come off.  I think it’s a magic map.  It’s a magic map?  Yeah, it’s from…like I said, it’s Lady Witchbeard and Don Dankle’s map.  So, I can’t…alright, well, we’ll just remove the…we’ll take the map and the…no, no, please don’t do that.  Lady Witchbeard and Don Dankle would not…neither…I wouldn’t like that, either.  You could pull; I can see you pulling, but see, it’s one of those things.  Oh, I guess you’ve never seen a movie, but this is…the map’s like…Lady Witchbeard I think [01:00:00] bonded it to me so I wouldn’t lose it, is my guess.  Okay, so, I could show you the map I guess if you leave, ‘cause I don’t want them…if they come out, they’re gonna be really mad and they probably…I don’t know why this thing’s stuck to me, so I don’t know if Don Dankle’s gonna be upset, too.

 

So, I could try to unscroll…oh, it’s kinda hard when it’s stuck to me.  Why don’t you…huh.  Why don’t you stand…I’m trying to unscroll the map in a way so you could…why don’t you stand facing me and then I’ll unscroll it and show it to you?  Or you could be over my shoulder and I’ll…but then…no, so I can’t look at it.  Why can’t you look at it?  Because I gotta unscroll it and it’s stuck to my hands.  Okay, mate.  It’s a good thing you don’t talk too much, but you’re very piratey pirates.  Okay, so here’s…I’m gonna open the map.  You all stand there, take a look at it.  Oh wow, you look very impressed.  It’s a simple map, eh?  Yeah, I mean, I guess if you head out now, you could probably…’cause Don Dankle hasn’t seen it yet.  You’re really with Don Dankle and Lady Witchbeard?  Yeah.

 

They’re gonna come, then they’re gonna look at the map.  They were checking the office to see revisions or something.  Well, it’s every pirate for itself now, mate.  Okay, well, why don’t you head out then and I’ll see you later?  Shove off with…because they’ll swash your buckles.  Alright then, mate.  Thanks for the tip and…wow, we’ve…yeah, you know, if you…maybe you shouldn’t even do it because Lady Witchbeard might turn you into toads.  Alright, we’re off, we’re off.  Oh, boy.  I better say nothing about that.  Great.  That couldn’t have gone…I shouldn’t have showed him the map, but I can’t believe it’s stuck to me.  Oh, hey Don Dankle, hey Lady Witchbeard.  Germ…Daw, what was that…what was all that noise?  Oh, you know what?

 

The weirdest thing; that map is stuck to me, so I started talking like a pirate because the map is stuck to me.  What do you mean stuck to you, Daw?  Like, it’s stuck to my hands.  I mean, I can put it in my pocket but I can’t drop it.  Oh, Lady Witchbeard, did you cast some sort of bonding spell so Daw couldn’t lose the map?  I did, Don Dankle.  Just a simple thing.  It can’t be undone very easily, but that way, yeah, Daw couldn’t lose the map.  It’s also…Daw can only open it facing away, so Daw can’t look at it.  Ah, Lady Witchbeard, you’re brilliant.  What was in the strongbox?  Did you find anything?  Don’t worry about it.  Don’t worry about it.  Okay.  You know, Daw, there’s a lot of footprints around here.  Yeah, Lady Witchbeard, I was just dancing around and stuff.  So, the…so, was there any note from the guild of where everybody went?

 

The only thing I can tell you Daw is that treachery abounds and every pirate must be for themselves now.  Huh, that sounds familiar.  Okay, open up the map.  So, I have to…yeah, you have to stand facing me.  Looks like you’ve done it before, Daw.  No, I mean, just…I was listening to Lady Witchbeard.  So, I’ll open it up and you look at it, Don Dankle.  That way…and then I can’t see it.  I think that’s part of Lady Witchbeard’s thing so I can’t look at the map and get mixed up and say we’re…and then give the wrong directions, like almost like I got song lyrics mixed up or something.  Okay, please…I’m gonna focus on the map.  You hold it up.  Oh, this is a…that’s a very interesting map.  Okay, let’s head back to the ship.  Okay.  Oh, Don Dankle’s asleep on the boat, Lady Witchbeard, and the pirates are focused.

 

We’re up at the bow of the boat, the rowboat.  What’d you guys find at the…in the strongbox?  We need to rest, Daw, before…but can’t we rest at Library Island or on the boat?  There is a picture of someone; it said treachery abounds but it had someone’s picture there.  Oh, whose picture?  Was it yours, Lady Witchbeard?  It wasn’t mine.  Was it Don Dankle’s?  Wasn’t Don Dankle’s.  Was it…it wasn’t me, though.  It wasn’t you.  Was it a pirate with kind of like an English accent that wasn’t very good?  No.  I’ll give you one more guess, Daw, and you should get it.  Hm.  Was it a…was it Number One, the library?  I’ll give you one more guess, Daw.  You should be able to get it ‘cause it only happened recently.  It’s someone we know not that well.  Well, that could be almost any…oh, it’s Brandy?  It looks like Brandy, Daw.

 

Okay.  Oh, Don Dankle’s come…oh, everyone, we need to rest.  Lady Witchbeard, speak of nothing to anyone, and Daw, keep…don’t lose…I know you won’t lose that map but don’t show it to anyone else.  Okay, well, I guess I’ll get some rest here with Lady Witchbeard and Don Dankle until we head off wherever we might go.  Goodnight.

 

[END OF RECORDING]

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