Brainbot Entertainer of the Year 2016 | Listener Fav #480
I’ll be tasting the sweet victory of awards based on overuse of trove. With diamonds on my butt I’ll dream of a “Three Neils Tour”.
- Dapt Off
- Kazoo Komedy
- Brainbot Entertainer University (BBEU)
- “Protector” – Fleet Foxes
- Neil Simon
- The Iditarod
Notable Talking Points:
- The Chevy Nova of shoes
- Brainbot Entertainer of the Year vs Brainbot Entertainer of the Year
- Brainbot Entertainer University
Episode 1179a – Brainbot Entertainer of the Year 2016 | Listener Fav #480
[START OF RECORDING]
SCOOTER: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and friends beyond the binary, it’s time for the podcaster that slings fresh dulls straight out of the…I don't know where I make the dulls. I do roll them and pat them, though, and then I mark them with a D for dull. It’s time…but it’s also time for…with an S for Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.
INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and friends beyond the binary, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? ‘Cause it’s time for Sleep With Me. Oh, my friends beyond the binary, welcome to the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do…attempted…no, no, no. I mean, I guess I wholeheartedly proceed to do…substituting…are those…those are verbs, right?
Proceed, to do…I say, what I’m going to proceed to do is create a safe place where you can set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts, physical feelings, emotions, seasonal stuff, weather stuff, peep…family; hello, family, anything related to that. It could be anything. Whatever’s keeping you awake, I’d like the honor of taking your mind off of it. I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, tones, a little bit of a creaky, dulcet since I record five or six times a week to get these three episodes out, also to just try to get…go slow; that’s another thing. Consistent…I’ll be here consistently three times a week, but I’m gonna use pointless meanders, thinking up stuff on the spot; that’s one. What do they call it when your mind goes blank? You say, you’re building a podcast around when your mind goes blank.
Well, I’d say I’m more building a podcast around when my mind goes blank than when it goes blank. I’ll explain that, but let me get back to the new people just in case. Yeah, if you’re new here, this is a podcast to take your mind off of stuff, to put you to sleep. I’ll be here an hour. You’re under no pressure to fall asleep quickly. You’re also under no obligation to listen to me or be enthralled or even anything moderate to that. The structure of the show…it goes the business stuff, then the opening. The openings are ten to twelve minutes of me. I’ll try to make a metaphor here about mind-blinking or something to explain the podcast, then the story stuff starts. You can always skip ahead to the story stuff, but a lot of people like this intro. I try to make it a mix of the familiar.
I’d say, unexpected is definitely not the right word, but…of something new every time so it takes your mind off of stuff so that part of you…the theory, for me — and I’ll just put it straight out here, so — is that…I call them brain bots, but my theory, one of the things I think is important about this podcast or why I make it three times a week and why I put so much work into it, is because I think it needs familiarity. Like, once you say, okay, that’s my bore-friend, Scoots; I trust that he’s gonna use the lulling, soothing tones to put me to sleep, versus…what else would I…? Versus just not…put me to…say, okay, well, I guess that’s his only…yeah, I’m like, I trust that Scoots is gonna use his lulling, soothing tones to put me to sleep, 'cause that’s what…but that I’ll consistently be here.
But the other part of it is…I forgot…I honestly just had a mind-blink. I’m not kidding; live, on-the-spot mind-blinking while I was trying to explain what the…how the podcast works that I’ve made…pushing…slowly approaching 500 episodes, I think. I think the last one that went out was 470 when I’m recording this. But the mind-blinking…what was I…? I was gonna put it out there for free, open-source. Here’s how the podcast works…consistent, but variety; that’s what I was going to say. Also, I didn’t have to explain what a mind-blink was, 'cause my mind goes blank, then it blinks back on, kinda like a sign or a lighting system that only partially works. You say, well, sometimes…you say, why do you pee on the floor so much? Well, the lights blink in there, so sometimes they’re on…I make it in there.
When the lights blink out, I miss. That’s the metaphor for how my brain works most of the time, and that’s pretty…that’s probably about as apt as you can get. But so, that’s mind-blinking. But so, the podcast has a bit of familiarity. Like, structurally…there’s some variety. But you say, okay, that’s my bore-friend. But I feel like it has to have enough variety that every episode has to be different, because it’s my thought that these things that keep us up, whether they’re thoughts, feelings, or emotions or a combination…normally…most of the time they’re a combination of the three. Like, maybe your thoughts about your physical feelings, your emotion…or your emotions about your…they’re melded together a little bit. Is that pastiche of life? I don't know. Mixed-up vocabulary is another thing I use.
But my thing is…and my dedication to the podcast could be a practice in futility, but I don’t believe that, 'cause I hear from a lot of people that it’s helping, and that is such an honor…is that there needs to be enough variety so those parts of you, they’re…I guess I…that’s when I say, dignity and respect…friends beyond the binary…even goes to the individual portions that make up who we are. There is these parts of us that keep us awake. I call them brain bots. You know, they’re…hey, what about that? Why’d you do that today? You really blew it. Why do you buy premium gas? You don’t need…and you say, okay, I’m just trying to go to bed right now. You might…and you could be the…well, why do you buy low-octane gas? I thought we were premium…and I say, holy cow, I just want to go to bed.
That could be…but those parts, I’m…and also, I have been…I think it’s three years straight I’ve won the imaginary award. It doesn’t come with the reward. I guess it does…an imaginary award with a reward. In Australia…Worldwide Brain Bot Entertainer of the Year; I’ve won that. I’ve won that award that I made up and pretended…then I gave it to myself in a fictional…that’s too boring for the podcast, but maybe not. Maybe that’s what tonight’s episode could be about, a brain bot entertain…maybe that’s what tonight’s episode will be about. Great idea, Scoots. But what was I gonna say? Oof, man. I lost myself there. Oh, a variety…those parts of you are…they catch on quick. They’re intelligent.
Hey brain bots, I consider you highly intelligent, adaptable…adaptable and…not adaptable in life skills, unfortunately, but you’re…you catch on fast. No one’s gonna pull the wool over your eyes, 'cause you’re protectors. Just thought of that Fleet Foxes song from like, eight years ago, Protector. But now it’s…but so, the brain bots, they’re there to protect us. Now, maybe their protection, no offense, brain bots, is a little misguided or maladapted, I think, would be the professional…when I get a look at my charts, I see that everywhere; maladaptive, maladapted, mal…you know. Maladapting. I said, doc, that’s a dance I made up. That’s not a problem. Maladapting; it’s a new dance I’m working on.
Anyway, those brain parts, those maladaptive parts, whatever you want to…they’re doing their best to protect you, and they’re just not so great at it. So, when…and a lot of times we have stuff going on during the day or the way we’ve adapted to deal with those maladaptions…let’s not go down that rabbit hole, the double-adaption adaption. Let’s not have an adapt-off, 'cause if we did, we’ve have to bust out our adaptive dances. But so…but I’m trying to just…this is what happens with the blink brain. I have a simple point I want to make…this is, I guess, why I do this show; I have a simple point I want to make.
This podcast relies on variety because otherwise those part…for me, at least, and I think for a lot of people listening to this show, if you were listening to the same water sounds, on the third or fourth night, that part of your brain that kind of harasses you, to use a strong word, says, hey, these are the same water sounds. Anyway, I didn’t notice that the last three nights. Nice try, Buster Brown. Remember that time you bought those imitation Buster Brown suede shoes? We’ve talked about…I’ve humiliated you on the podcast before about it, but you could have got regular Buster Browns, but you got those brown suede shoes with the sneaker bottoms and the Velcro. Yeah, I do remember that. Remember you thought that when…the first day of school, that was it.
All your problems from the previous three or four years, kindergarten, first, second, third grade; those were all gonna go away when you stepped off the bus on your new suede…brown suede shoes, sneaker shoes with Velcro. That didn’t happen, did it? I say, no, it didn’t happen. It did not. Yeah, do we want to dig deeper on this or can I get back to…? Well, just…I just wanted you…I wanted to bring up that memory while you try to fall asleep, because with the water…'cause those water noises, they don’t trick me anymore. But this podcast…not even about tricking…it’s about dignity and respect and entertaining. I say, hey, brain bots, come around.
I got a story tonight about Brain Bot Entertainer of the Year, maybe, and I’d love to invite you into this little story circle or story…I prefer an oblong, but since you’re brain bots, maybe…right now, I’ve been picturing you like BB-88s, 88-BB…you know, BB-812 or whatever I may…those jokes I try to make every once in a while. But so, I try to mix…I’ll get through this. I’m gonna get to the…my job isn’t to get to the point; that’s the thing. I guess that would be…my theory here is like, while I’ve been rambling and trying to bring coherence to…with my blink brain and my incoherent rambles, were…did it take your mind…were you distracted from whatever might be keeping you awake? So, I just try to put on a different show three times a week, and it is a lot of work.
Like, whatever, maybe twenty hours of labor go into each episode, or fifteen…I don't know, I lose…it depends on the show, I guess. But so, just because I think that those parts of us, they catch on, and ideally there’s another aspect, a human aspect, that’s like, I want…and I guess even to those parts of us…and this is a stretch, but I want to bring some lightness. I want them…as the song goes, I want…but in a different way. I definitely don’t want the brain bots to want me. I just want them to feel wanted. Be like, hey, you’re…I realize on those charts we saw, you were called maladaptive and they have all these terms for you and the DSVM56 or whatever it is. They got new letters on there, I think. They know you’re doing the best job you can, and it’s not easy being a brain…just like being a human’s not easy.
I know once it gets quiet in the bedroom, you want to get my attention and tell me about those fake Buster Brown shoes, and let’s just take a breath and listen to this Scoots…I mean, holy cow, he had…think about Earth problems; he had brown…they were light-brown suede shoes with one of those clear gum-rubber soles. They looked like some sort of Chevy Nova shoe with Velcro. So, that’s why I make…that’s why the intros are different every time and the show is a little bit different, but it’s familiar. So you say, okay, I’m here with my bore-friend. I’m gonna pour on a little bore-giggles for you, and my brain will blink, the goop will leak out through my ears or whatever, and I’ll always say, I’m glad you’re here. I’ll always do my best, you know?
I have hits and I have misses, and I try to keep the shows coming out three times a week consistently and finding ways to keep that going, 'cause I’ve been there in the deep, dark night, unable to sleep and caught up in this…whatever. This is a harsh term nobody…maladaptive melodrama, which may be a book, so I’d just like to patent that right now or trademark it. I forget those two things, but permanently…in the permanent record. So, yeah, so that’s why I’m glad you’re here, 'cause I’ve been there, and this podcast doesn’t work for everybody. I hope it works for you. If it doesn’t, give it a few tries. See if it does.
I get a lot of reviews that say people that were skeptical or people that didn’t like the show at first, they gave it a couple tries and they said, oh, wait a second, I’m not supposed to like it. It’s a little bit different than that, you know? It’s like, I’m…I guess I’m…I don't want to brag on this, but I guess I’m the unami of podcasts. I’d like to be…I’d like to officially think of myself…Sleep With Me podcast, the unami of podcasts. I say, okay, what? So, that’s…and that’s the main reaction I’m going for. But I’ll be here for you. So, thanks for coming by, and I really hope and I really yearn to help you fall asleep.
Hey everybody, this is Scoots here. It’s Trending Twitter Tuesday. It’s been a while since we’ve trended…troved into the…can you trove…? It’s a treasure trove. What the heck’s a trove? ‘Cause you could go…I wanted to trove into the trends on Twitter, I guess to…what’s that T word? To see if there’s any troves. But I don't…does anybody ever even care about the trove? I’m more interested in the treasure. I could care about the trove. I can see the sensible…the common-sense side of me is saying trove is a place where the treasure is, Scoots. I would say, I hear you, but why do you say it second, then? It doesn’t make any sense. Once you say treasure, I stop listening, just like Daffy Duck. I say, did you say treasure, Bugs? I didn’t hear anything about Pismo Beach or whatever because…did you say treasure?
Oh, we were talking about…we were trying to define the word trove, Daffy. Okay, but you said treasure trove, so, a trove of treasures. Wait, did you say there’s treasures in this trove? ‘Cause then I’m in. Huh, I wonder…treasure trove…that’s the other thing; trove’s not…is trove used in any…anywhere else in diction, is trove ever used? Okay, here’s a challenge to those of you that are listening right now; let’s bring trove back into the…what is it called? Somebody gets Zaltzman on the…can’t even pronounce…somebody get Helen Zee on the phone and let’s look into this. Maybe I’ll tweet her to see what the troving…no, really; treasure trove…you’d say, well, where’s your…? ‘Cause we talked about the drawer everybody has in their house, or most people.
I call it…I was calling it the tea drawer 'cause I put all the tea in there the listeners gave me back…it still has tea in there. But before it was a tea drawer, it had old…very, very old…a couple very old things of hot cocoa, hot mustard, Parmesan cheese, and red pepper, probably some duck sauce, and definitely a couple…what are those…? I just want to call it a fashion cookie, but it’s a fortune cookie. Now with fashion. I mean, you could if…I don't…you know. I say, it’s a fashion cookie. No. But you say, well, there…where’s my hot cocoa trove? Or if you had a snack drawer where you kept all your snacks at work, would that be your snack trove? If my definition of…then it says, why doesn’t…people use this trove all the time? It’s a lovely word; trove. Get into your trove, 'cause I gotta put something on the stove, Mauvey Mauve.
Off to the…then we’ll eat something and then off to the show we’ll shove, my love. There you go, using the word trove for romance. Well, let me just get into my nightstand trove, my dear, for a little love, you know? Badda-boom. Anyway, I don't know why I get distracted, but that is a nice word; trove, and why isn’t it used more, and why am I talking about it? My mind’s a…senseless…a trove of senseless…I guess you could say a trove of senseless information. It’s also…leads…puts on my rhyming brain, you know, as we just witnessed. Trove, dove…I dove right into this trove. Nove, stow, blow…blove…blow felled…blove…alove…I guess you have to change some words, or you could get more…rove; that’s a good one. You’re right, you’re right. I don't know if that was my left brain or my right brain. Whoever said that was right.
So, that’s trove. I guess I’m nervous 'cause tonight’s episode, Trending Twitter Tuesday, where we get into the troves of trends deduced…to pull them off the stove 'cause they’re fresh trends that we’re about to trove. Oh, that’s why; 'cause I wanted to use it as a verb. I’d like to go…we’re troving. We’re troving for a story here. But we’re really not, because this is a behind-the-scene…I don't know what they call it. I guess behind-the-awards, 'cause a lot of times…I don't do a lot of bragging on the show. Not really sleepy…I mean, I guess maybe there is…I don't know, is that something that puts people to sleep, bragging? ‘Cause it’s a skill I could…I could develop it. Not that I’m…not that I don’t have an all-consuming ego.
I just have one of those giant egos that’s negative, which is just as narcissistic and egotistical as having a positive one. But every once in a while, I do have something to brag about other than a stream of self-criticism that I tune out with a trove of love. Remember Constantinople, Lovre? That’s my favorite made-up name; Helena Constantinople Lovre. I think she was a bit character in something in the last thirty or forty episodes. But way, way back, I was oding…I was giving her some odes. I have a trove of odes. That doesn’t rhyme, but that works, no doubt about it. But, you know, once in a while on the show, I like to brag, like once or twice a year whenever I need to give myself this award; Brain Bot Entertainer of the Year. It’s 2016, 2015. I don't know what year it was invented. It definitely wasn’t invented in 2013.
May have been invented in 2014, but I’m not positive. But they did give me a retro…they said, well, we’ll give you a retrospective award. Then 2017, looking…it’s looking great. Brain Bot Entertainer of the Year…Brain Bot Entertainer of the Year. It’s a international award, and they do regional award ceremonies within my brain, and this…New Zealand is one of the places. I don't know if anybody heard that interview I did with Brian Krump on Nights on New…on the national channel of New Zealand. It was a great…one of my favorite interviews. He was cracking me up. He called me the Antikrump, and I think we shared a lot of things we liked to do as kids; talk into microphones and listen to our own voices and then…but where was I? Oh, I was bragging about Brain Bot Entertainer of the Year.
So, I wanted to talk a little bit about these awards that are bestowed on me, 'cause it probably brings up questions. Like, okay, is there monetary compensation? It’s pending, they say. Because they’re brain bots, they work…a brain bot’s a bit like a…it’s not the same…I’m trying to think of what night…'cause the words I would use aren’t very bedtime…a bit like a being that lives within you and that tries to influence you is a brain bot. So, they can’t just give me money, because then you’d say, well, why did…? I mean, I guess they could influence you to support the show and that would be my monetary award…reward. So, maybe that’s at play. I don't know. I don't…the brain bots don’t tell me those kind of things. But you’d say, okay, let’s lay it out. Brain Bot Entertainer of the Year; what does that mean?
It means I’m the most entertaining person that enter…to brain bots. Of all the entertainers that entertain brain bots this year…the years I’ve won the awards, I have been Brain Bot…I’m the Entertainer of the Year where they say, okay, that’s without a doubt. I guess you…I guess this…if this is a interview for my side of it…but Scoots, why do you think you win Brain Bot…? Other than making…other than that it’s fiction and within your brain…maybe it’s not fiction. I’d say, there you go, double…doesn’t that make me doubly qualified to win? But thanks, Craig, that’s a great question, and let me get back to you on this one. Why do…are you…? Why would I win Brain Bot Entertainer of the Year? Well, that’s a question I ask myself every year. Right after I win it, I say, how did this happen again?
I wonder to myself, as it feels…I say, how did I…could I possibly, once again, in the entire Earth and beyond, of all the entertainers that entertain brain bots, how could I be the Entertainer of the Year? Craig, I don't know if I have a great answer for you, but I’ll go ahead and try to answer your question for you. One is I try to make something special three times a week for the brain bots, and I think something about the consistency of being there on a regular basis and saying, hey, brain bots…and usually…a lot of times I use something they call subtext where I pretend…the facade is I’m making this thing for humans, 'cause brain bots are operating at higher and lower levels…the duality of brain bots. Remember that treaty with the ISE? Is that treaty or treaty?
That was something I wrote as a student back when…just when brain bot theory was in its infancy, and still, we haven’t even scratched the surface of getting to know brain bots on a scientific level. But I know as a person with a gut, my gut tells me every day, you’ve got brain bots to entertain, my friend, and they’re not gonna entertain…well, they do entertain themselves by kicking in their unique mechanism. If it’s a worrying brain bot, it’ll worry. Okay, Craig, go ahead; I see you got…why…okay, what is it about that? Tell you more about…how do I connect…? When I’m not a brain bot, how do…? Well, I have so many brain bots; that’s one thing, Craig.
I was…I don't…I haven’t…most of the doctors I’ve seen, they’ve been after…a few weeks after they…I think there’s an effect I have on them where they no…they say, well, I’m not practicing anymore. But I do know that I just have…is a preponderance…? Does that word fit this context, Craig, do you know? Okay, no…you’re asking the questions, okay. I have a lot of brain bots, more than the average human, and I think I was…I think I…a surplus; that’s…thanks, Craig. Having a surplus of brain bots I think just puts me in a position where I’ve spent a lot of time with them. They talk about 10,000 hours…now, Craig, I don’t want to burst any bubbles here, but I’ve said it before; that’s 10,000 focused hours. It’s not just 10,000 hours. I’m not sure I’ve actually spent 10,000 hours.
I mean, I’ve spent hundreds and…I don't know how many hours I’ve been alive, but I’ve spent about that many with brain bots. When you consider I’m usually having dialogue with four or five, that is a lot of hours, but I don't know how…most of them trying not to focus, Craig. So, I don't know if that’s a paradox. I’m focusing more because I’m unfocused? Well, let me give you…let me take it from a different angle, Craig. I think I identify with the brain bots. I’m a bit…I’m more than a bit like a brain bot. My attention bops around and when I hear a brain bot talking or communicating by other means, direct memory replay or whatever it could be, I just say, hey, well, that’s the truth. I buy right into it. I say, you going on a roller-coaster with my self-esteem? Let me get onboard, 'cause I’m gonna believe it’s the truth.
Craig, something about that has caused me to say, man, being…'cause those roller-coaster rides aren’t like the ones we go on, Craig, let me tell you. No, nothing like Big Thunder at all; more like Big Awful. So, after we get off the coaster, I say to the brain bot…I say, well, that was a terrible ride. Why…you’re perpetually on that ride. The brain bot says, yeah, just…it’s the best when…it’s only good when it’s on the hill going up. I say, this is both metaphor and the truth, Craig, so stick with me. Is it Craig or Greg? You don’t…oh, you’re a figment of my imagination. Oh, boy. Anyway, Craig, when I was speaking to this brain bot whose name was Penelope, I believe…was…the brain bot was saying…no, no, just stick with the story, Craig.
Don’t get distracted. The brain bots that will…the hill…the climb is the only part I can possibly tolerate. I say, well, it’s really hard being a brain bot. You’re on this roller-coaster, and the only thing that’s even tolerable is when it stops at the station and then goes on the uphill climb, but you’re still…man, it must be hard being a brain bot. Then brain bots, they have this reputation of just being irritating and maladaptive. We talked about it at the top of the show. Craig, on that day, I decided to change my life, to…and to change…this was kinda like Six Flags, except that he had no…a lot looser.
So, I just got on…I walked up the stairs for the hill climb of that roller-coaster, and I started doing something that probably couldn’t be called a show or entertaining by human standards, and something that might not be called funny or may…they say, make any sense, and something at a human theme park…gets you in a lot of trouble, but at this brain bot park, I just stood on the stairs in a safe area and I started doing a show. First it was just like, thumbs up, eye contact, 'cause there was other brain bots on this similar coaster. Too hard to explain, Craig, 'cause it’s a metaphor and…but it really happened, too. Then that’s how my career as a brain bot entertainer really kicked into…I mean, how many years did I do that? Well, I’m not sure, Craig, 'cause at some point I had to go some…within my mind, I had to go to another place, too.
It doesn’t make any sense. Well, it doesn’t make any sense to you, Craig. I don't think I know…I can’t do I-statements for you, Craig, but that’s my humble beginnings within a brain bot theme park within my mind on a particular ride with a brain bot named Penelope and some other brain bots that were on the same ride. I stood on the side of the hill at the one part in the ride that was tolerable where they were anticipating the rough rides ahead, Craig, and like I said, this wasn’t a good roller-coaster. Also, brain bots have…Craig, I really need you to put this interview in context, because if you take these out of context, it’s not gonna make any sense.
But brain bots are really under a delusion of control, even when they’re on this roller-coaster, just like we are on a…this is why it’s a brilliant metaphor only the Brain Bot Entertainer of the Year could accidentally come up with. The brain bots are under the delusion they’re actually under control and they need to do stuff, even though the track’s already laid out for the…and they’ll just keep riding the ride over and over. So, then I had to ask myself, Craig, I had to ask myself, what’s the most painful part of the ride? Because if I was in it, would it be the parts that are intolerable or would it be the part where you’re trying to make it tolerable and then you think you’re gonna have control over it? These poor brain bots, Craig. I couldn’t change it. I couldn’t do…I couldn’t…oh, wait, hold on. Craig, what are you saying?
Because it’s in my brain, I could…? Oh boy, I would…I don't want to walk out on this interview, so could we finish the interview, please? So, I was saying, Craig…let’s just stick with this. This is supposed to be…this is a puff piece, by the way. This is about the…I’m the Brain Bot Entertainer of the Year; I expect some decorum or decorum…dignity and respect, Craig. Oh, it is Greg. Oh. A figment…sorry about that, Greg. It’s Graig. It’s great…it’s not Craig or Greg; it’s Craig…Graig. Like, Greg…just…okay. So, I thought if I could take these brain bots’ mind off…I can’t stop the ride, can’t get the brain bot off the ride.
So, that’s when I started to do…and then at some point I did get a kazoo, and then at some point the kazoo was taken…that was short, but I did buy a lifetime supply of wax paper, 'cause I thought I was gonna get a lot of mileage out of that kazoo. I guess that was what I thought was humor. I thought 'cause the kazoo…kazoo comedy. Kazoo comedy. But that didn’t work, even for brain bots. You don’t have a lot of time on that…and then I did a lot of walking backwards and falling down, so I do have permanent tailbone…that…but…imprints on my butt. Then that…but that was where it all started. Actually, Craig, if…Graig, if you want to talk about the moment where lightning struck, it was really where my butt struck the stairs which have that non-slip diamond pattern where you can see through.
Which, first of all, I said, what are you doing with the stairs you could see through here? Not a great idea. Yeah, once that diamond pattern got imprinted, oh, did the brain bots laugh at that. Why didn’t I have pants on? At times, I was dreaming, Craig…Graig. So, this was…you know how things can be. But yeah, once that diamond pattern was shining, shining bright like a diamond on my bright, bright buns, I think that…maybe that’s why I was Brain Bot Entertainer of the Year 2014, even though I don’t know…even know what year this occurred, to be honest with you. So, that’s…I guess that’s it, Craig…Graig. That’s a great interview. Any other questions about why or how I became Brain Bot Entertainer of the Year every year the award’s been given that I know of?
Oh, Craig, you make me feel like I’m doing a googly to you on air with these questions. What advice would I give to an up-and-coming brain bot entertainer? Well, I think I…let’s see, what…if I was…if I…is this one of these ones…a letter to my younger brain bot entertainer self? ‘Cause that’d be better for my ego. No, something actually concrete for people that are coming up in the brain bot entertainment space. I don't know. To be honest, I’d say, watch out for me, because I’m not…do you think anybody’s any good? Do you think that they’re gonna take away my Brain Bot Entertainer of the Year Award? ‘Cause I could tell them that it doesn’t come with any monetary awards or physical awards, actually, believe it or not. Within my brain, it’s gigantic, though.
You’re right; that’s not the…that’s hilarious and true. But yeah, got me there, Graig…Graig. Yeah, you got me stumped. But yeah, what advice would I give to an up-and-coming brain bot entertainer? A human being or a…? I’d say, be a brain bot if you want to be…I’d say, within the brain bot community, I’d say shrink down and become a brain bot and stay…then you’re…then be entertained by me, and then entertain the brain bots. So, then you could be Brain Bot Entertainer of the Year…there could be two awards, then, so you wouldn’t be…you could be an up-and-coming brain bot entertainer. That’s what I think you should do if you’re thinking about doing this, is just do it as a brain bot. Then there’s room for both of us.
You could be Brain Bot Entertainer of the Year because you’re a brain bot and an entertain…that’s a separate award. I’m Brain Bot Entertainer of the Year. See how it’s…? Brain Bot Entertainer of the Year. I think that might be a whole award show. That would be pretty good, where I’m Brain Bot Entertainer of the Year. Then you could be an up-and-coming brain bot entertainer and you wouldn’t even have to…you could just…you wouldn’t even have to entertain…then you could…that would be a great place to hone your craft, because you really…if you’re a brain bot and you’re entertaining, you don’t even have to entertain anyone because you’re a brain bot entertainer. That would be…a tree falls in the woods, but that’s…I guess that’s…I would be entertained by you, so, there.
I think that would be a good movement to start, is to get the brain…just get one brain bot that starts doing a funky dance, 'cause then when people are lying there or they’re sitting at their desk and their brain bots are all a-twitter about the troves of Twitter or Face…saying, look at that on Facebook with my…say, huh, that’s my sister; holy…you could roll out there and be like, ba-ba-boo, do-do-do…you know, don’t do the cantina song, 'cause that’s one…I’m not supposed to do any songs on the podcast. You could do…you’re welcome to any…if you could come up with any BB-88 jokes or BB-8…BB-88’s better. It just has that extra syllable. You know, go for it, and…I would love that if I…for me, I would love…I would hire a brain bot entertainer.
I don’t know if I’ve seen Neil Diamond…'cause there’s Neil Simon, there’s Neil Young, and there’s Neil Diamond. How about a Three Neils Tour? Or the Three Neils. We had…there was…was it the nineties when they had the Three Tenors? But the Three Neils…Neil Armstrong…but that was…those are entertainers or a writer of entertainment. But Neil Diamond, I believe, was in a movie called The Entertainer, I think. I don't know. I used to go see this band called Super Diamond. I think it was an Australian man. Looked nothing like Neil Diamond; sang just like him. Very entertaining, more…no, no, no, couldn’t even be in a…brain bots…if you put Super Diamond in your brain, you’d be in…that would be too much. But yeah, I would say if you’re not becoming a brain bot entertainer, good for you if you’re a brain bot.
Now, if you’re a human…oof, I don't know. I wouldn’t…I don't know what advice I would give you because I don't…okay, let me talk about other brain bot…let’s just get it out there. Let’s talk about the other brain bot entertainers that have been up for the award, and let me step outside my role as the multiple-awarded Brain Bot Entertainer of the Year, Scooter, Sleep With Me podcast, and step into the role of the creator of the Brain Bot Entertainer of the Year Award, and talk about some of the other people that were up for the award. There’s…'cause there was a couple big ones.
There was Trenthim, which was a one-name entertainer, and this was the first few years…since the award was invented, we do have no…you’re disqualified if you have one name just 'cause…I don't want to throw out the E word, but it is a little elitist, I guess, when you have one name, or assumist, you know. Say, well, I only need one name. I say, whoa, whoa, whoa, if you want to be in the Brain Bot Entertainment of the Year…if you want to get this award, you’re gonna need two names. They say, well, actually, I have two…I say, sorry, this is a one-time-only deal. So, that was the end of Trenthim, who was really good at…I mean, not the best, but really good at entertaining brain bots, and…in a different way, like, throat singing.
Trenthim did throat-singing, contortionism while throat singing, which the brain bots, they would always…they would do that quivering thing. Like, just picture BB-88 quivering with…when you quiver, when you watch a contortionist, you usually quiver at some point. You say, uh…'cause you say…and you can’t even tell…a quiver, you can’t…it’s a combination of pleasure and repulsion, I think, or discomfort. So, that was Trenthim, then another one, Coldplay, that the…they threw their name in the hat. That was easy 'cause they said, you’re already…don’t you have enough? I said, this award’s for sad, small…this…I said, don’t you have…? Then they said, what about the main guy? I said, well, if you have any offspring that have one name, like a…I said, don’t you have a kid named Apple? I’m sorry.
I said, you were great in the Game…that Game of Thrones thing with the red note. That was awesome. But I’m sorry…and then one of the other Coldplay guys said, well, what about me, man? I said, well, don’t you have a boatload of money and don’t you get to tour…? I say, yeah, no, no, this is my…I said, brain bot enter…I said, you can’t be a entertainer first and then a brain bot entertainer second. I said, you know…I said, that’s in the brain bot…do you know the brain bot entertainer’s code? Then they said, no. I said, well, there you go. That’s…disqualified. I guess at the time they…I should have probably thought about collaborating or saying, hey, Coldplay, could you play at the Brain Bot Entertainer of the Year Awards?
Maybe come up with a song when I get my award, maybe talk about it on every tour date and public appearances, and then maybe we could revisit this decision in 2017 or 2018, more likely. So, that was Coldplay. Then there was…this was a little bit of a joker, 'cause it was Mama 2016, M-A-M-A 2016; it was a robot or…well, it wasn’t a robot. It was artificial intelligence. They frickin’ called me and I said, I don’t take call…I don’t want call…I don't like calls. I don’t like answering the phone and I just went through this with…and then I said, that’s why I gave you my…that extra Google Voice number, so I could just let it go to voicemail and never…I don't check…you know, a publisher’s sweepstakes called me. Don’t they get what each…?
I even checked…and so, I said, if you’ll leave a voicemail that…and they said…the robot or…it said, well, this is important. I said, well, if it’s important enough, then put it in some sort…and they said, well, I can only communicate by voice. I said, well, that’s a shame, 'cause you’re disqualified from the awards, then. Also, a bot…a brain bot entertainer of the…a bot bot…I said, why can’t you be a brain…? I said, maybe we could come up with an alternative award for you. I said, give me some of your material. Then it just started doing Pi to the…it just kept saying numbers. I said, that’s not entertaining enough. Then it started singing Pi numbers, and I said, well, that’s decent. Then it was strangely hypnotic.
I don't know any of the numbers in Pi other than 314…3.14, so…but that was…it wasn’t bad, and I think I went into a trance for a few weeks. All my passwords were changed, maybe, or maybe I forgot some of them. I said, I can’t even log into this thing. For a while, I did know Pi to at least the eighth decimal because of that song, but I said, I’m afraid it still goes…you’re…we can’t just give awards to anybody, especially with…so, that was another person that didn’t…or non…entity, I believe, that wanted…that didn’t make…and then I started look…I wanted to do a nation-wide search, you know? Well, I didn’t, actually.
I wanted to do a nation-wide…I don't need anybody knowing about Brain Bot Entertainer of the Year at all, but at the time, I was talking to Nation TV-3, a national…one of those big national stations on…in New Zealand, because I said, well, if this…I said, do people…? They said, of course people go; they travel. I said, well…I said, does word get out here? Then they…I think they thought I was making double entendres, but then I…'cause I said, well, let’s do a talent search for brain bot…and then I said, no, no, I don’t want to do that. Actually, unfortunately, I started the process. Now, the good news is I got to…things started climbing and they said, well…so, you’re gonna pitch on this on this star search show?
I said, I was, but I said, I can’t…as I was sitting in the waiting room, I was thinking of this story I heard about the Dubai 7s. They said, oh, the big tourney. I said, oh yeah, the big…no, no, no, this is the Dubai 7s. It’s a team. The Dubai 7s is a undercover team pretending to be brain bot entertainers, led by…to say dashing would be to make Dancer cry. Do you recall the most famous brain bot entertainer of all was this…and that’s the lead in the Dubai 7s, a show, a TV show. Then six more lesser brain bot entertainers…undercover; they’re not even real brain bot…so, we would need to cast those six roles with people that could pretend…that aren’t actual…they’re the second-best to…well, actually, I said Coldplay…so, I saved the fourth, sixth, seventh…you know, the best brain bot entertainers.
We’ll travel in a jet, oil-powered, of course. Why would we be the Dubai 7s if…why not? We’ll travel the world in search of brain bot…B…brain bot-related…BRDs, brain bot-related difficulties, and we’ll entertain our way out of it. Then a variety show with star…so, exactly like you said. In the holidays we’ll do some Kiwi Christmas music here. Oh, thank you, Graig. So, you want to get me to refocus. Okay, so, where do I see brain bot entertaining going? Well, ideally no…ideally it just stays right here, right here in this tiny, little closet in this small…but if it has to escape, I’d like…I got…I don't know, Graig. It’s one of those things…I’m afraid to let the balloon fly, if you will.
Not sure if that knot on my wrist is gonna hold it, but I also know that one day the balloon…the hydrogen, whatever is in those balloons, helium…I’ll wake up and my balloon will be sagging or worse, you know, not…popped. What am I talking about? I’m talking about the future of brain bot entertainment, as you asked me. So, I was thinking of…if we’re thinking big, Graig, I was thinking about spreading the entertain…especially…other than myself, you know…since I’m Brain Bot Entertainer of the Year, we gotta keep me here at Brain Bot Central. But I was…I’ve been thinking nonstop about those up-and-coming brain bot entertainers you were talking about, and I think we should make a circuit for them to hone their craft, where…with a contract, iron-clad…iron-clad contracts.
Maybe ten-year commitment, maybe fifteen-year circuit where they’re…'cause that’s how long it’s gonna take them to get those 10,000 focused…focused, focused hours, Craig. Graig. I never had to say a figment’s name that many times. So, I was thinking there’s the…I think there’s a lot of rallies. Like, the Silver Fern Rally I’ve heard of, and there’s other ones way out in the middle of nowhere where they drive these cars and these boot buggys…maybe the Iditarod. The more remote the better, because that’s where my craft got honed, is at the largest brain bot theme park in the world. But in this case, we’ll get them out there with humans. ‘Cause you figure, if you’re driving some sort of buggy across the back roads of New Zealand, it can be exciting…moment. The driver has to be focused at all times.
Except every once in a while, there might be some sort of delay, and then they’re way out, out there, or maybe now we change the way that racing goes. So, there’s two drivers that switch on and off. Maybe they already do that. We get some entertainment out there, way, way out there, the furthest reaches of the racetrack, to do things like I did, like dance, kazoos…maybe just kazoos. My voice sounds a bit like a kazoo. Yeah, thank you. Have I…? Well, what do I…? Have I swallowed too many kazoos? But we’ll get them out there, way, way out there, under contract, then we’ll say, okay, well, you’re…and then we’ll take you to the Iditarod. Marathons…no, too many people do marathons, Graig. Those are more contained, you know?
If it was one of those super…one of those hundred-miler ones, yeah, we could do that if it’s…the remote one, very remote. Then we’ll find all of these up-and-coming brain bot…we’ll get them out there where they can be of most service to people out on the extreme edges needing a little four, five seconds of entertainment. Just like a brain bot; they’ll be a living metaphor, 'cause they’ll be entertaining humans and that’ll help them become…within their contract. Also, when you do that thing with the contract, could we have it where the non-compete clause…? Maybe just ten years after the contract. What else do I see for brain bot entertainment? Well, that’s great. More PR, is that what you said?
Well, I mean, I guess we could start a daily blog where…I’ve heard of guest blogging, and that’s one thing I’ve heard of, but what about taking…? What I mean by that, Craig…Graig, is we get all these entertainers, these up-and-coming brain bot entertainers trying to get their mitts on Brain Bot Entertainer of the Year, and they start writing blog articles. Again, this would be…that I’ll…that brain bot…brain core…a brain bot inner core or pending…we’ll have the full rights to that, and…the daily blog. So, I’ll take credit on the blog. That way, if it’s controversial, maybe we won't print it. But otherwise, if it’s good, they don’t have to worry about the pressures of credit and stuff, 'cause they’re just honing their craft, you know?
Up-and-coming, paying their dues, and they could do that, and I could take…and then I would also own that material if I need to develop it at a later date. What else? Well, I was thinking also…thinking about hollowing out…there’s been different stories where I’ve had hollowed-out mountains, like Mount Roskill, and I was thinking if we could get…we could also get all the potential brain bot entertainers that aren’t under contract and that are up-and-coming, and we could say within the amount is where the Brain Bot Entertainer of the Year…that’s the secret…we could have it like the Magic Castle and be like, oh, if you want to be…that’s the spot to do it. Are you an up-and-coming Brain Bot Entertainer of the Year? Are you even curious about entertaining brain bots? Have you thought about it for more than one second?
Come to Mount Roskill, just like the cat skills, just the same thing except deep in New Zealand inside a mountain. Come on in and stay for a while. Then maybe if…as you get used to living in a bunk and not…just doing these busy chores we’ll give you that are essential, maybe packaging stuff…I don't know. We’ll figure that part out…that then you’ll become…eventually you’ll become a brain bot entertainer within the mountain. Maybe we could even create physical brain bots for them to entertain and bring them there. Yeah, that’s it; there’s our answer. So, anybody…they just go into the mountain, we keep bringing brain bots, which we could just buy…tell you what; I’ll give you a bunch of money. I’ll tell you what; I’ll give you my…do you have any credit cards, Graig? No. Okay.
I was thinking we could buy a bunch of remote-controlled things and just put them in there in this…how much does it cost to hollow out a mountain? Oh, this is all with…okay, so, perfect. It’s doable then if it’s in my mind. Then we’ll just get them all in there. We’ll have remote-control things, we’ll put in a fake night club, brain…Club Brain Bot; there you go, and we could have a frowny face and a smiley face. Great. This is great. We are quite a team. I think the…'cause you seem to have a lot of questions about it, Graig. I think you’re the person to run it, to be honest. I don't think I could do it. With the probing questions you ask, you could do the interviews. You could hand out the grades. You’d be like the dean and the admissions board and the night club manager. How’s that sound?
Would you get to decide on Brain Bot Entertainer of the Year? Yeah, within the mountain. Yeah, the Brain Bot Entertainer of the Year…right in there, of course. We just get everybody in there with you, and that’ll be it. That sounds wonderful. Then everybody can forget about this, other than when they hear about the announcement about me winning Brain Bot Entertainer of the Year, and they say, oh, thank goodness, I didn’t want to listen to a podcast made by an up-and-coming brain bot entertainer. Yeah, you could have podcasts inside the mountain. Of course, Graig. That’s a great idea. Great idea, 'cause that…yeah, that’s a good way to…it’s very time…I think that’s…you’re brilliant, I’ll be honest with you. You could have…could you come up with the…whatever they call that, the curriculum for that as well?
That would be your job as dean, I believe. Maybe hire…maybe the most…maybe Coldplay and that computer and the other person, they could be on your…they could be your staff. Well, great. This has been a great interview. Thanks, everybody, for tuning into this episode of Behind the Brain Bot Awards. Remember, if you’re thinking about a career in brain bot entertainment, it is a wide open field. I mean, wide…the doors of Mount Roskill are wide open for you. Come on in. Now, you’ve heard of for-profit universities, right, and you’ve heard of non-profit universities and the high cost of student debt. You’ve heard of getting out of school and not having a job. Well, come to Brain Bot University. It’s the only place on Earth for brain bot entertainers, up-and-coming or curious. You say, well, I’m brain bot curious.
I’d say, well, which…what do you mean when you say that? Do you mean brain bot entertainment? Do you mean curious into…? Because we gotta parse the words, here. Are you curious about brain bot entertainers or brain bot curious or brain bot entertainer curious? Okay, that killed it, huh? Well, any of those things…you could come to our university…here’s the thing; no charge, a guaranteed job on graduation within the Mount Roskill facility, which is the preeminent research facility for brain bot entertainment. It has all of the top brain bot entertainers, founded by the Brain Bot Entertainer of the Year 2014, 2015, 2016. It has the top brain bot club, entertainment club, in the world, and it’s the only facility of its kind. So, get over…just come on in and let the doors close behind you.
They’ll open up when the next person comes, but they have a special kind of one-way door, 'cause there’s only one way to the top of brain bot entertainment. You could take it from me; I started the ascent that would end up in the Brain Bot Uni…brain bot entertain…BBEU, Brain Bot Entertainer U. BEU; that’s what we call it around here. I started this journey at the side of a brain bot roller-coaster, and it was a hard, hard time. Ended up with diamonds on my butt. I’m gonna save you the time of doing that, of…and I’ll just introduce you to a luxury place, a pre-ski; like that, but on the inside.
On the outside, people will be pre-skiing, maybe. But you’ll be entertaining brain bots. You won't even be…you’ll have arrived. When you’re lying in your bunk, instead of being like, am I an up-and-coming brain bot entertainer? You’ll know. Why am I here within this mountain? To entertain brain bots. So, thank you everybody, on behalf of the staff at BEU, on behalf of everyone here at the Brain Bot Entertainer of the Year Awards, on behalf of the winner of the Brain Bot Entertainer of the Year Awards, me, and all the figments of my imagination, I’d like to thank you for your time this evening. Goodnight.
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(Transcribed by Leah Hervoly)