1218 – Mars Visits Santa (Part 1)
Turns out at bedtime on Mars, kids need something more than just TV, instead of a sleep podcast they turn to Kris Kringle for the help they need.
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Seasonal / Public Domain
Jenga
https://www.museumofplay.org/toys/jenga/
https://www.airfungames.com/party-rental-resources/history-around-game-jenga
https://www.ox.ac.uk/news/science-blog/jenga-tale-randomness-and-design
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/80246/10-festive-facts-about-santa-claus-conquers-martians
https://www.denofgeek.com/movies/10-remarkable-things-santa-claus-conquers-the-martians/
Starfield Critical Reception
https://gamerant.com/starfield-review-bombed-why/
https://www.gamesindustry.biz/starfield-critical-consensus
https://apptrigger.com/2023/08/31/starfield-review-round-up/
Mars in Pop Culture
https://www.astronomy.com/science/mars-in-20th-century-american-pop-culture/
https://www.space.com/16924-mars-cultural-fascination.html
DOWN TO BUSINESS
A little bit more public domain content
Holy Moly is this one a Doozy
Breaking down laughter on film
The Bowl Full of Jelly Scale
Jello Jiggler Jenga
That would definitely be a reindeer game
My Inner Nana is a Jenga Superfan
Deep Dark Night United
Pam (Helix Sleep)
PLUGS
Hand in Hand; The Midnight Mission; Trevor Project; The Midnight Mission; Patreon; SleepPhones; Emily Tat Artwork; NAPAWF; Anti-Racism Resources; Ukraine Relief; Crisis Textline
SPONSORS
Wild Health; Hello Fresh; Polysleep; Odoo; Helix Sleep; Air Doctor Pro; Zocdoc; Progressive
INTRO
You’re not alone, albeit in a digital, pseudo format
Pseudo-Digital Nonsense
I’ll be here rambling about Jello Jiggler Jenga
Scoutful or Deptical
There’s no pressure to fall asleep
Pleasantly Confusing Thoughts
Maybe you just assemble the tower
Bring Your Own Jello Jiggler Jenga (BYOJJJ)
Let me talk you through the structure
The show is meant to be a landing pad
A consistent bedtime routine is so so so important
A public domain about Santa Claus in outer space
I didn’t realize this movie had such a big following
I promise this recap won’t be interesting
STORY
I think this will be a 2-parter
Let’s do a public domain holiday movie
This movie has been covered a lot but somehow I missed it
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
I really enjoyed it
I’m gonna load up a different version from the one I watched. Fingers crossed
I’ve been playing Starfield a little bit
I guess this could be a side mission in Starfield
Oh, this version is 10 minutes shorter than the other one I watched
Who’s the center of this story, here?
Characters laugh in very out-there ways
The same song at the beginning and end
Hooray for Santa Claus
This might’ve been the first Mrs. Claus in film
This is very 60s and 70s
I could see Bryan Cranston as the leader of the Martians in a remake
The era of Kid TV
2 Martian Children are entranced by this 60s TV
Andy Henderson, reporting from the North Pole
He goes into the 60s
People smoked at work, which I guess is sort of interesting
There’s only 6 workers here, this workshop must be for show
Santa is painting something and smoking a pipe
This can’t be the best use of Santa’s time, can it?
Mrs. Claus has double bows on her dress
Previews of new toys
Santa should have a smock on if he’s working
Winky runs the Space Department at the workshop
Winky knows what Martians look like and has made a toy for Martians
Winky clearly has some sort of psychic connection to Mars
A toy rocket that runs on real fuel – bad idea
I hope someone can bring joy to Martian children
The Martian leader is calling for Droppo
This fountain looks like it’s from Skymall
Droppo was practicing sleeping
Keemar is the leader
Martians consume food via pill / capsule
Martian children are confused by Earth TV programs
Mars doesn’t have dolls or entertainment apparatus
They sleep on tables and their dressers are weirdly shaped
Circular tables suspended from the ceiling
Sleep Spray
Keemar needs to figure out what’s going on with Martian children
Keemar calls a meeting of leaders
Voldar is our troublemaker
I’m not sure who the Ancient One
Mel Brook’s version of Yoda is very similar to this one
Help us, Ancient One!
It looks like an animatronic, but it’s not
The kids just care about the arrival of Santa Claus
Electrain Teaching Machine is how kids learn fast
The kids never play anymore because their minds are already adult
This would be a great song spot if this was a musical
Man, Starcraft IV would be so cool if you could play as the North Pole
The Starcraft mission of Starfield
Voldar’s Villainous Laugh Number One
They need a Santa Claus on Mars!
I’m not sure if Keemar is really our hero
They leave tonight to get Santa from Earth!
Flying a Martian spaceship is very collaborative
They’re using Earth terms, so presumably there’s some preexisting Earth-Mars relationship, right?
A lot of engines on this ship for various functions
Using magnascopes to look for Santa
Voldar prefers to live below the ground
They’re in NYC at the holidays
They mistake a Charity gatherer for Santa Claus
There’s hundreds of Santas!
The news reports on the UFO
A long sequence of military stock footage
Droppo is sleeping in the radar box
Droppo runs into the pastel colored landing gear controls
The government is very honest about UFOs in this world
The dude who controls the landing legs takes his job very seriously
2 kids are in the woods listening to a Flavor Radio
Billy and Betty wonder what a Martian looks like
Then they meet Martians
Maybe the Martians and Humans share a common ancestor?
Billy tells them there’s only one true Santa Claus
Droppo gives the kids a tour of the spaceship
The Martians have a solid plan for getting Santa Claus
Activate Torg!
They didn’t anticipate Mrs. Claus or the elves
Nothing can stop Torg
Billy and Betty sneak out when the ship lands at the North Pole
Voldar and Keemar face off
Torg, come out!
Oh, also Billy brake the radar shield and covered his tracks
Voldar looks for the kids
The kids hide in a cave
There’s a gummy bear in the cave, though
Billy and Bettty see lights in the distance
Torg the Robot
Torg is literally made out of cardboard, which lessens the impact
Bryan Cranston could easily play Voldar
Keemar doesn’t want to cause any trouble; he just wants Santa
Torg enters the workshop
Winky tries to stop Torg
Santa admires Torg’s craftsmanship
There’s a world in which this is all Santa’s fault
Did Santa’s workshop make Torg?
How did elves get started working for Santa Claus?
It probably makes the most sense as a Future Timeline Thing
Maybe the Coen brothers could remake this?
“You can’t take him now.” Now??
Maybe Winky is the architect of a failed Mars-Earth Peace Accord
Air Poofers at Science Museums
Martians have air poofers that freeze people
Martians freeze Mrs. Claus
Torg is fully frozen in shutdown
They take Santa back to Mars
Earth will wage battle to bring Santa back
What if this were a Starfield mission
You could unlock a rocket sleigh and deliver toys
We’ll be back with Part 2
Or if it were Starcraft, you could be defending the North Pole
REFERRAL PROGRAM THANKS
Shaunna, Jed, Karen, Natasha, Malik, Brianna, Aaron, Sjord
SUMMARY:
Episode: 1,218
Title: Mars Visits Santa (Part 1)
Deep Dark Night United: Pam (Helix Sleep)
Plugs: Hand in Hand; The Midnight Mission; Trevor Project; The Midnight Mission; Patreon; SleepPhones; Emily Tat Artwork; NAPAWF; Anti-Racism Resources; Ukraine Relief; Crisis Textline
Sponsors: Wild Health; Hello Fresh; Polysleep; Odoo; Helix Sleep; Air Doctor Pro; Zocdoc; Progressive
Referral Program Thanks: Shaunna, Jed, Karen, Natasha, Malik, Brianna, Aaron, Sjord
Notable Language:
- The Bowl Full of Jelly Scale
- Jello Jiggler Jenga
- Pseudo-Digital Nonsense (PDN)
- Scoutful or Deptical
- Bring Your Own Jello Jiggler Jenga (BYOJJJ)
- S-A-N-T-A C-L-A-U-S
- Very Picturesque Santa Claus
- Luddite-Type Lesson (LTL)
- Activate Torg!
- Future Timeline Thing (FTT)
Notable Culture:
- Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
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- Jell-O
- Jenga
- SAG-AFTRA/WGA Strike 2023
- Mystery Science Theatre 3000
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- Riff Tracks
- Starfield
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- Bryan Cranston
- KidTV
- Christmas
- The Office
- Spaceballs
- Star Wars
- Starcraft
- Planet of the Apes
- Malcolm in the Middle
- Breaking Bad
- Charlton Heston
- Coen Brothers
Notable Talking Points:
- You’re not alone, albeit in a digital, pseudo format
- Pseudo-Digital Nonsense
- I’ll be here rambling about Jello Jiggler Jenga
- Scoutful or Deptical
- There’s no pressure to fall asleep
- Pleasantly Confusing Thoughts
- Maybe you just assemble the tower
- Bring Your Own Jello Jiggler Jenga (BYOJJJ)
- Let me talk you through the structure
- The show is meant to be a landing pad
- A consistent bedtime routine is so so so important
- A public domain about Santa Claus in outer space
- I didn’t realize this movie had such a big following
- I promise this recap won’t be interesting
- I think this will be a 2-parter
- Let’s do a public domain holiday movie
- This movie has been covered a lot but somehow I missed it
- Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
- I really enjoyed it
- I’m gonna load up a different version from the one I watched. Fingers crossed
- I’ve been playing Starfield a little bit
- I guess this could be a side mission in Starfield
- Oh, this version is 10 minutes shorter than the other one I watched
- Who’s the center of this story, here?
- Characters laugh in very out-there ways
- The same song at the beginning and end
- Hooray for Santa Claus
- This might’ve been the first Mrs. Claus in film
- This is very 60s and 70s
- I could see Bryan Cranston as the leader of the Martians in a remake
- The era of Kid TV
- 2 Martian Children are entranced by this 60s TV
- Andy Henderson, reporting from the North Pole
- He goes into the 60s
- People smoked at work, which I guess is sort of interesting
- There’s only 6 workers here, this workshop must be for show
- Santa is painting something and smoking a pipe
- This can’t be the best use of Santa’s time, can it?
- Mrs. Claus has double bows on her dress
- Previews of new toys
- Santa should have a smock on if he’s working
- Winky runs the Space Department at the workshop
- Winky knows what Martians look like and has made a toy for Martians
- Winky clearly has some sort of psychic connection to Mars
- A toy rocket that runs on real fuel – bad idea
- I hope someone can bring joy to Martian children
- The Martian leader is calling for Droppo
- This fountain looks like it’s from Skymall
- Droppo was practicing sleeping
- Keemar is the leader
- Martians consume food via pill / capsule
- Martian children are confused by Earth TV programs
- Mars doesn’t have dolls or entertainment apparatus
- They sleep on tables and their dressers are weirdly shaped
- Circular tables suspended from the ceiling
- Sleep Spray
- Keemar needs to figure out what’s going on with Martian children
- Keemar calls a meeting of leaders
- Voldar is our troublemaker
- I’m not sure who the Ancient One
- Mel Brook’s version of Yoda is very similar to this one
- Help us, Ancient One!
- It looks like an animatronic, but it’s not
- The kids just care about the arrival of Santa Claus
- Electrain Teaching Machine is how kids learn fast
- The kids never play anymore because their minds are already adult
- This would be a great song spot if this was a musical
- Man, Starcraft IV would be so cool if you could play as the North Pole
- The Starcraft mission of Starfield
- Voldar’s Villainous Laugh Number One
- They need a Santa Claus on Mars!
- I’m not sure if Keemar is really our hero
- They leave tonight to get Santa from Earth!
- Flying a Martian spaceship is very collaborative
- They’re using Earth terms, so presumably there’s some preexisting Earth-Mars relationship, right?
- A lot of engines on this ship for various functions
- Using magnascopes to look for Santa
- Voldar prefers to live below the ground
- They’re in NYC at the holidays
- They mistake a Charity gatherer for Santa Claus
- There’s hundreds of Santas!
- The news reports on the UFO
- A long sequence of military stock footage
- Droppo is sleeping in the radar box
- Droppo runs into the pastel colored landing gear controls
- The government is very honest about UFOs in this world
- The dude who controls the landing legs takes his job very seriously
- 2 kids are in the woods listening to a Flavor Radio
- Billy and Betty wonder what a Martian looks like
- Then they meet Martians
- Maybe the Martians and Humans share a common ancestor?
- Billy tells them there’s only one true Santa Claus
- Droppo gives the kids a tour of the spaceship
- The Martians have a solid plan for getting Santa Claus
- Activate Torg!
- They didn’t anticipate Mrs. Claus or the elves
- Nothing can stop Torg
- Billy and Betty sneak out when the ship lands at the North Pole
- Voldar and Keemar face off
- Torg, come out!
- Oh, also Billy brake the radar shield and covered his tracks
- Voldar looks for the kids
- The kids hide in a cave
- There’s a gummy bear in the cave, though
- Billy and Bettty see lights in the distance
- Torg the Robot
- Torg is literally made out of cardboard, which lessens the impact
- Bryan Cranston could easily play Voldar
- Keemar doesn’t want to cause any trouble; he just wants Santa
- Torg enters the workshop
- Winky tries to stop Torg
- Santa admires Torg’s craftsmanship
- There’s a world in which this is all Santa’s fault
- Did Santa’s workshop make Torg?
- How did elves get started working for Santa Claus?
- It probably makes the most sense as a Future Timeline Thing
- Maybe the Coen brothers could remake this?
- “You can’t take him now.” Now??
- Maybe Winky is the architect of a failed Mars-Earth Peace Accord
- Air Poofers at Science Museums
- Martians have air poofers that freeze people
- Martians freeze Mrs. Claus
- Torg is fully frozen in shutdown
- They take Santa back to Mars
- Earth will wage battle to bring Santa back
- What if this were a Starfield mission
- You could unlock a rocket sleigh and deliver toys
- We’ll be back with Part 2
- Or if it were Starcraft, you could be defending the North Pole
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Episode 1218 – Mars Visits Santa (Part 1)
[START OF RECORDING]
SCOOTER: Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s time for the podcaster who’s gonna take you on a trip via a film, a public domain…we’re keeping this series going through the end of the year as the strikes wrap up, and we’re doing a little bit more public domain content. I think it’s gonna take two episodes to get through this film that we’ll talk about later, but it goes…there’s locations in it; New York City, North Pole, outer space. Holy moly, is this one a doozy. I’m looking forward to it. I’ll tell you what; if you like laughter but not on your sleep podcast but someone talking about laughter and saying, well, they were laughing there. What kind of laugh…was that a guffaw? How would you write that on the Bowl Full of Jelly Scale?
‘Cause there…has anybody out there written their thesis about a Bowl Full of Jelly Scale or…what is that called? Love…when the Earth is dancing and the Jell-O…if the Jell-O was on a bowl on Santa Claus’ belly…we’ve studied that and actually, it’s quantifiable. I mean, it probably is, right? I mean, I prefer…here’s another thing…here’s a free idea; corporate synergy. Probably unlikely. Also, well, it’d be a three-way synergy 'cause you’d say, wash your hands, one. Dry them, so then you have synergy with whatever you’re drying your…rinsing and drying your hands, and then here’s a big…the big idea of this podcast…I can see many holes in it, but it still could be possible; Jell-O Jiggler Jenga. Let me lay that on you. Great use of alliteration by accident. But yeah, what are you doing for the holidays?
Playing our family round of Jell-O…first, it takes our family about eighty-five hours of labor to make the Jell-O Jiggler Jengas, and we do make them in season. However we celebrate our season, we make them in those seasonal colors and then we play Jell-O…I can’t even say it. Jell-O Jiggler Jenga. It’s like Jenga but with Jell-O Jigglers, but it’s also nothing like Jenga. But find out. Give it a try, it only…it’s only a two or three-week investment of your time, then you get…eventually we…yeah, then we consume the Jell-O Jigglers. We play with gloves, my family, my imaginary family. Jell-O Jiggler Jenga. Who would have thought…? It probably…I bet you it’s out there. I don't have much wherewithal, but I guess I could try to Google…what is that thing called, a rectangle?
But it’s not a rec…it’s like…what is that shape…whatever Jenga shape…mold? Wow, there’s a good use of my time, then doing it. I mean, I guess you could…if someone was exact, they could just do it if they could measure. You know what would be good? No, you couldn’t do it with the ice cube thing 'cause those are square for the most part. Anyway, believe it or not, I’m supposed to be introducing a sleep podcast. So, friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, you’re in the right place. This is Sleep With Me, a very different show. It’s here to keep you company and take your mind off of stuff while you fall asleep because you deserve a good night’s sleep. It’s here to be your friend in the deep, dark night and to cut through the loneliness and offer a friendly distraction whether you feel lonely or not.
You say, I got a friend talking about something that almost barely makes sense. I mean, yeah, no, I’m with you. We’ll probably have to figure out, will the Jell-O Jigglers stick to one another? That could be a issue. You’re right. That’s the probably with imaginary games. You say, have the reindeers ever played Jell-O Jiggler Jenga? Because that would be a reindeer game, and the reindeers with…do reindeers have horns or antlers? Maybe they could do it. You tape or tie a…I’m thinking…what are those things called? Fondue fork or a cocktail fork to the…and then they could poke the Jigglers and pull them out. Maybe a better…easier way to do it. But yeah, or, you’d have to spray them with some sort of lubricant, food-level, like a grapeseed oil or something like that. It could backfire, make them more sticky.
Also, I’m supposed to be introducing a sleep podcast, still. I mean, that would be a good centerpiece, even if you don’t play it, like a tow…they say, what’s that? Oh, it’s Jell-O Jiggler Jenga. Oh, don’t touch it, though. Okay, nana. Oh yeah, I spent the last two weeks making it. You’re not gonna play it, though. I mean, if she was…Jell-O Jiggler Jengas…if she was a Jenga superfan, that would make sense. Is this like the life-sized Jenga you have out in the yard? We’re not allowed to play that, either. Well, because you don’t listen, Andy. I know, nana. I do not. You’re right. I’m already eating…I’m imaginary…imagining myself as a giant character from that game that got made into a movie with The Rock, also based on movies like Spice Friends, eating the…pretending it’s a skyscraper and not Jell-O Jiggler and I’m eating it.
Okay, so, where are you? Oh, Sleep With Me. It’s a podcast that keeps you company. It’s very silly, takes a few tries to get used to, but it’s free and it’s free and easy, a free and easy friend. What we got coming up is the ad supports. You can listen for free, then a long, meandering intro, and then…what else is after that? Long, meandering intro, and then…oh, a bedtime story about a seasonal public domain film, Santa Claus and the Trip to Another Planet, or something…it’s called. Yeah, and then there will be thank-yous at the end. So, that’s the structure of the show. I’m really glad you’re here. See how it goes, and thank you for supporting the show, my patron peeps.
INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake. It could be thoughts on your mind, things you’re thinking about about the past, the present, the future. So, thoughts, thinking thoughts, thoughts, it could be feelings, anything emotionally coming up related to those thoughts or separate from the thoughts, feelings that are just there, physical sensations, changes in time, temperature, routine.
Whatever it is that’s keeping you awake. It could be…you’re going through something, you have something coming up or it’s ongoing…I only go through that stuff to let you know you’re not alone, and I realize I’m letting you know you’re not alone in some strange, pseudo-digital format, but that doesn’t change the fact of how we feel, a lot of us, and you might feel differently. You might be a regular listener and you feel differently, but maybe there’s something about this that’s…that you could relate to, because that’s really what it comes down to, is while I might not be going through the same thing that you’re going through that’s keeping you awake, I could probably relate to a little bit of how it feels.
But the best piece of news is that someone listening right now can relate to how it feels 'cause they’ve been through something similar. Enough people are listening right now that that’s true. They know because they’ve been through it or they’re going through it. They say, yeah, I know what it’s like. You definitely deserve a good night’s sleep like Scoots says. You deserve a bedtime you don’t have to dread. You deserve a bedtime you could feel neutral about or look forward to. You deserve the rest you need not only so you could get through this part of whatever’s going on, but so that you could feel like your life is more manageable and eventually you could be flourishing, because that is important 'cause you’re important, and our world needs you.
If you’re getting the rest you need on a fairly regular basis, then our world’s gonna be a better place to be in and that is true, just like the pseudo-digital nonsense…some part of my brain wants to write that off, but it’s true. So, I’d say…you know, it’ll be…I don't know. I was gonna say it’ll be okay, but that kinda doesn’t…that’s more of that. I don't know how you feel, but I know someone out there does or they can relate to how you feel. So, I just point that out because it really is important and that’s really what this show is about. We’re together alone and alone together in the deep, dark night, and it doesn’t have to make a whole lot of sense. So, what I’ll do here is I send my voice across the deep, dark night.
I use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, which just means my voice is not traditionally soothing, and pointless meanders and superfluous tangents mean I get mixed up, I forget what I was talking about, then I go on a tangent. I go on one tangent about something, and then somehow I spend four or five minutes talking about Jell-O Jiggler Jenga. But yeah, that’s a part of the show, is it’s supposed to be a distraction that you barely listen to. For some people, Sleep With Me is just a podcast they don’t listen to, but for a lot of people, it’s a service they don’t really listen to or follow along, right? It’s just running in the background, kinda like when you bring up a activity monitor or whatever it’s called on the other one; process…run…whatever. You say, okay, what’s that running there?
Pointless meanders? Okay, it’s not using very much bandwidth, so…it’s just running in the background. So, some people are just barely listening. Some people are following along. Some people have me turned down to background noise. But it’s best to kinda listen loosely because it does take some getting used to with this show. Like, when you first get here — if you’re new — you might be skeptical, doubtful, frustrated, even, or beyond frustrated. One, because you’re having trouble sleeping. Two, you may have stumbled on this podcast or it got recommended by a couple people, and you say, this isn’t what I expected. This doesn’t seem like it’s gonna put me to sleep. You’re right; I would be…most people get to this show scout…scoutful or deptical or skeptical and doubtful because why wouldn’t you?
This show does not follow a traditional format. It doesn’t seem like what you would imagine a sleep podcast to be, and I’m not traditionally soothing. I’m here to be your friend and take your mind off of stuff, not even to be listened to. So, alls I can say is give it a few tries and see how it goes. That’s what literally — I think — seven figures of people have said; hey, at first I didn’t like the show, then after the third time I realized, oh, it’s never going everywhere. Now I get what it means. It’s always never started. So, that’s part of it. Give it a few tries. See how it goes. If you already know you don’t like the show or this is your third try and you say, this is it, man; never want to listen…and I say, that’s good because you still deserve a good night’s sleep.
Go to sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou and check out the other sleep podcasts and sleepy stuff on there and give one of those a try and see how it goes. The other thing about this show even though it’s a sleep podcast; it doesn’t put you to sleep. I’m here to keep you company and take your mind off of stuff while you fall asleep. There’s a reason the show is over an hour. There’s no pressure to fall asleep. There’s a reason there’s 600 episodes in the archives ready to go, so you can kinda see what works for you. I’m here to keep you company and then suddenly you fall asleep, just to be a distraction, something outside of you where you have no stake in anything versus whatever’s keeping you awake or whatever you’re thinking about. You know, pleasantly confusing thoughts like those…look at that Jell-O Jiggler tower.
Maybe it could be…instead of traditional Jenga, you’re just building the tower. Everybody places their own…BYOJJJ; bring your own Jell-O Jing…Jenga Jiggler. That would be the entry to…you say, grandma, I thought I was coming…oh, you don’t…if you don’t have a Jell-O Jiggler Jenga, then peace. You’ll have…just stop in the garage. You’re uncle’s there already making them, but…and then you’ll have to wait forty-five minutes for it to set. Then you could come on in. Also, we need more of the stuff you use to make it, but…so, what was my thing? I got mixed up again. Oh, this podcast isn’t here to put you to sleep.
I’m here to be your bore-friend, your bore-sib, your bore-bae, your bore-bud, your bore-bestie, your neigh-bore, your bore-bor, your Borbie, your bores, your bore-bud, your friend in the deep, dark night to keep you company whether you’re listening to me or not, because there’s people who are listening to the very end because they can’t sleep at all. I’m here to keep them company. There’s people who are listening who need a break during the day. There’s people listening who just woke up or who just got home. So, I’m here to keep you company but you don’t need to listen to me, and I think that’s one of the things that works about the show. I’m keeping you company the whole time. You don’t have to keep me company, right? That’s what I mean, this whole idea of Sleep With Me as a service.
So, yeah, those are a couple things to know. Structure of the show also throws people off, so let me run through that. There’s a way most people experience the podcast, but you can adjust, and there is…I’ve learned over the years there’s a lot of ways people listen…choose to listen to the show as they become a regular listener. So, there’s no right or wrong way, but just let me lay out why we structure the show the way we do, and then you could kind of adjust if you decide you’re a regular listener or if you’re a regular listener and you want to change it up. The show starts off with a greeting. Usually the greeting is one or two minutes. Lately it’s gotten…I’ve gone on more tangents, but that’s so you feel seen and welcomed in and you hear a little bit about the podcast and you get a feel for what it’s like, kinda silly.
Then there’s the ad support. That’s how the show is free, and the people that participate in that. But there’s people that just like…they prefer to just listen to the show linearly with ad support. If you don’t like the sponsor support, we provide plenty of ways that you could get a ad-free experience. Then there’s a long, meandering intro, and that’s meant to ease you into bedtime. The intro does not put you to sleep. It’s a show within a show separate from the support. It’s different every time, and it’s meant to kinda be a landing pad or…I don't know, while you’re getting ready for bed, while you’re winding down. I just had this…a personal conversation. Someone had heard about the podcast I knew, and they were looking for sleep advice.
I was like, really, the only thing I can tell you is try having a consistent bedtime routine with something you enjoy where you wind down. That’s one of the things that works for…it has proven to work most of the time. It doesn’t work for me every time, but when I’m having a wind-down routine, I’m more likely to have a good night’s sleep. So, for a lot of people, that’s where the intro fits in, whether they’re in bed, they’re doing a chill activity, or they’re in bed getting comfortable. Now, there is a small percentage of people already asleep. We’re so happy for them. Oh boy, are we, and everybody that’s listening to the show who has partners that are asleep or fish. I don't know, fish…yeah, I could…fish, I can’t tell if you’re asleep or not, but…or cats or dogs or whatever. We’re so happy for everybody sleeping.
But for a lot of people, they’re just in bed getting comfortable. There is 2% of people that start the show between twenty and thirty minutes, so that’s another way you could adjust. But for most people, this is kind of part of their wind-down and easing you into bed. Then there’s support, then after that will be the bedtime story where I’ll look at this public…this movie in the public domain about Santa Claus and outer space. I didn’t even realize it was a thing. I started looking for public domain holiday films, and this one came up. I guess it’s been…it’s got quite the following. It’s quite the movie. So, yeah, we’ll go through that. I don't know if we’ll make it through the whole movie.
This may be a two-part episode. It’ll come out in a week or two, the other half. But don't worry; you’ll fall asleep to it. It won't be a really interesting recap of a movie, so…and it’s public domain, so anybody could watch it when you want to. Then there’s thank-yous at the end. So, that’s the structure of the show. That’s why I make the show. I’m really glad you’re here. I work really hard. I yearn and I strive, and I really hope I can help you fall asleep. Thanks again for coming by, and here’s a couple ways we’re able to do it for you for free twice a week.
Alright everybody, this is Scoots here and we’re covering…I think this will be a two-part episode where we’re covering a holiday film that I had no idea about. This was kinda during the strikes where I was like, okay, let’s start looking at public domain stuff so that we can stand with the writers and the actors that are on strike. I found…when I searched ‘holiday public domain’, this was one of the top things that came up. I’ll be honest; I somehow missed this because this has been covered a lot. So, I’m sure there’s a lot of opinions out there about this. It looks like it’s been covered maybe multiple times by Mystery Science Theater 3000, maybe RiffTrax, too. There’s a ton of stuff about it on…there’s a ton of videos about it. But man, I had never seen or, to my knowledge, heard about this movie.
I mean, I probably did and I forgot about it. It’s called Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. It’s from 1964. It is…I’ll be honest; I really enjoyed it. I’ve watched it multiple, multiple times now that I’m recording this. I mean, let’s set aside whether it’s bad or good. Some people are calling…call…I mean, opinion-wise…I don't know, this is just such a out-there film. I’m gonna try actually to load up a different version here than the one I watched. I don't know if that’s a good idea or not, but we’ll see. Okay, this one’s starting…a little bit different place. Let’s see, it doesn’t have captions. It does have auto-generated captions. But the other thing is I was thinking…'cause I’ve been playing this very popular game, Starfield, a little bit, and I’m still kinda getting going with that game.
But another thing was, I was like, okay, could this be…it’s public domain, so could this be a mission in Starfield? Then, now that I’ve gone on…or kind of done a couple on…I’m not very far on the main story, but I did try a couple of the side quests to really play them out. Or, I’m almost done with one side quest with a little bit of a thread or activity. I don't know. So, I was like, huh, what would this look like? It’s interesting, structure-wise…I haven’t had time to think about the actual structure, but it’s a hour and twenty minutes. Let’s see, this version’s an hour and nine minutes, so that’s probably not good. It’s ten minutes shorter than the version I’ve been watching. So, maybe this is not the same movie. But, whatever, we’ll figure it out. It’s not a big deal.
So, I don't know, maybe I’ll go on tangents about how this could be a Starfield quest, what would that look like, and…but I mean, there is a question of like, who are the…who’s the center of the story here? Also, yeah, the closed captioning on the version I watched…maybe it was auto-generated. It was way off. This movie contains, as any movie, with Santa Claus, but a lot of characters laughing in very out-there ways. Maybe in the second-half of the movie, because I only noted one over-the-top set of laughter yet. It also has a song that isn’t popular, but it’s at the beginning and the end. Some of the lyrics that I got…managed to write down were ‘sing hooray for Santa Claus, say ‘hey’ for Santa Claus, hang up that mistletoe. Soon you’ll hear ho-ho-ho on Christmas Day. You’ll wake up to say, hooray for Santa Claus.
That’s S-A-N-T-A C-L-A-U-S. Santa Claus. You spell it S-A-N-T-A. Hooray for Santa Claus. Hooray for Santa Claus. Hooray for Santa Claus.’ Okay, Santa, S-A-N-T-A…some answers…fall road…when we hear sky bells…oh, this must be more S-A-N-T-A…follow road when we hear sleigh bells ring, or some…bells…something go ding-a-ling-a-ling, or ting-a-ling-a-ling. Also, I put here, it’s 1964. Maybe this…I read this somewhere? The first Mrs. Claus in film. But yeah, it also starts with…so, the song, it goes…is against a animated…or…yeah, these ones are even worse. We hear a bell spray under the trees. These…what do you call it? Santa Claus is pushing different…it’s very sixties, seventies. I don't know, it’s got a aesthetic and a feel, for sure. It doesn’t feel…it is so dated that it’s timeless, so it does not feel like it was made in 1964.
As a matter of fact, the main leader of the Martians kinda reminds me a little bit of Bryan Cranston. So, I could see Bryan Cranston star…I mean, this could easily be remade. Okay, so, KID TV. So, at this point in history, there’s KID TV. If you’re a nineties kid, maybe you remember when they said, let’s put TVs in every classroom and…I mean, these kids love commercials, obviously, so can we make commercial television a part of their…? As long as we have a monopoly, let’s make commercial television a part of their education. Again, when you say, what is up with this…these adults…and they did that. The company said, don't worry, as long as you give us the monopoly, we’ll put some TVs in there and the ability…you know, show some brief advertisements and advertorials. So, KID TV was…this was a pioneering idea.
This is news for kids and TV for kids. The transmission is so powerful…so, it’s news for kids. Kids shrug at TV…what does that mean? Stare at TV? Oh, yeah. So, it pans out of this broadcast of KIDS TV…oh no, yeah, the camera…is that a pan? This might be one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen in my life, which is these two Martian children. They are entranced by this TV. I’m sure this…and they’re sitting way too close. But it’s a smaller 1960’s TV, so you have to be close. They’re not too close, though, in a comedic way, but they are entranced by the television. Then you go to Andy Henderson who’s reporting from the North Pole, live. Andy has some jokes and says, let’s take a look-see at the North Pole. He jokes about the frozen dinners. He’s on set or…it’s not a painting 'cause he walks onto the set.
He goes into the…a couple interesting things; he goes into Santa’s workshop. This was the sixties, so people smoked at work, which is I guess interesting, you know. Say, okay, you smoke at work, eh? It’s just weeks before Christmas. They’re trying to make sure Santa has enough toys. Obviously this must be a show workshop because there’s only like, six people working in there. But the same one…very similar one Laurel and Hardy worked at. Santa’s pushing through…Santa’s push…oh, Santa’s…also smokes at work. He’s painting something. I did say, is this a good use of Santa’s time? Santa’s smoking a pipe. He says, oh, hello, everybody. Andy got me at a busy time. So, maybe it’s a staged thing to make Santa look like he’s really working. Very picturesque Santa Claus. John Call, I believe, is the performer.
They say, Santa, are you going out on the rocket sled? No. Then he says Dunder and Mifflin, almost, which is funny that his horses…or, not Dunder and Mifflin, but…they’re Dasher and Dancer. Dunder and Nixon. So, a little comedic comedy. He points at the kids on TV. Then Mrs. Claus comes. She has double bows on her dress; I like that. She’s like, you gotta start painting the hobby horses. But first they give us a preview of some new toys. Also, I noted this later but I’ll talk about it now; Santa has short-sleeve…a short-sleeve jacket, which is smart if he’s working. He should have a smock on. We also get the first thing…and I don't know if…so, Winky is one of Santa’s assistants, right? So, Winky runs the Space Department at the workshop.
I don't know if any of the other comedy things talked about this, but this is a very important thread to me 'cause Winky says A-OK; I run the…Winky, one, knows that…what Martians look like, 'cause he designed a toy that looks exactly like Martians. There’s people on Mars. So, Winky…and we kinda realize later Winky…it’s revealed that Winky does have some sort of secret connection to the Martians. It’s not revealed; it’s…I’m aware of it. I just want everybody to know. So, I think this could be the first part, is…I think it’d be cool to have a outside character. So, Winky, one of Santa’s assistants, could be the…an elven being. Like, could be the…if he was on StarCraft, maybe Winky’s trying to…I don't know, maybe…I don't know if you could choose who you’re gonna work with, 'cause it does feel like even the…at some point, even the side quests have to be on the rails somewhat.
But Winky’s the one…Winky’s the connection here, because Winky’s clearly been to Mars or has had some sort of psychic or spiritual connection to Mars in another dimension or dreams. I’m not saying it’s…'cause Mars clearly is not…doesn’t seem to be a bad place. They’ve got some stuff going on, but…okay, so, Santa goes and shows Winky and this…this new stuff, some of the new toys we’re turning out. How’s it going, Winky? A-OK. Alright. Great job. Yeah, we got some space stuff here and we got the latest toy rocket. Runs on real rocket fuel. Bad idea, you know. Bad idea. Then Andy…the rewarder says, what is this being here? He says, oh, Winky made…that’s Winky’s idea of a Martian. It’s only exactly like a Martian. Andy doesn’t know…he doesn’t…he’s not really open-minded about Martians.
He goes, well, I hope they have someone up there like you, Santa, to bring joy and cheer to all the Martian children. At least Andy says that. Then we zoom on the Martian doll, and what we see next we’ve already realized; we see the Martian children, and then we get the leader who’s calling for Dropo. We get a little Sleep With Me, 'cause Dropo’s sleeping on the floor. They also have an indoor fountain sculpture that looks like they bought it from SkyMall. So, they must have SkyMall or Brookstone in the 1960’s Mars. You say…'cause it’s the kind of thing that is working now, but when you went over there for the next Christmas or holiday season, you’d say, yo, what’s going on with that plastic thing in the middle of your living room?
Oh, it stopped…it used to be a air raider…it kept…a humidifier sound-scaper diffuser sculpture light-up, but it doesn’t work anymore. It only cost $1,999. But Dropo’s sleeping on the floor, so Dropo’s our comedic character. His boss, Kimar, has a Tickle Ray. He says…Dropo giggles from tickling. So, I guess that’s another set of laughter. Says, I was practicing sleeping. Kimar extends his…I guess you extend your antenna when you wake up. We see that Dropo’s the kinda person that can’t get anything right. Why are you sleeping during work? I wasn’t sleeping; just practicing. Dropo’s his assistant, I guess, because…I don't know. Housecarl? Is that the thing? He says, yeah, your wife’s at the food pill store. So, people consume food via pills there, or in capsule form, which is very modern. Then we see the first set of tension on Mars.
Children are watching these ridiculous Earth programs that confuse them, and point at the…oh, when you point at the door, it opens. That’s pretty cool. They go into the kids’ room. They’re watching Earth programs now. They’re slack-jawed with no emotion at all. So, not only are they entranced, but they have no emotions. They say, what’s a doll? What is tender, loving care? ‘Cause they’re still watching the report from Earth where there’s more previews of toys from Santa, of a doll that you can give tender, loving care to. So, apparently they don’t have dolls on Mars. The brother and sister are discussing this. Then the dad says, surprise, you’re supposed to be in bed. You’re not supposed to be watching Earth programs. He says, now go to sleep.
Now, I don't know who gave them a TV in their bedroom, dad, but…they say, we want to see Santa and toys. He goes, no, no, no; go to sleep. So, apparently they don’t have a entertainment apparatus on Mars, which is one thing they could work on. They also sleep on tables. I mean, this is worth it just to see these details. Their dressers are very…their dressers are in strange shapes built into the walls, but might be good for different things. But anyway, their beds are circular tables suspended from the ceiling, and they have a thing that will induce sleep via sleep spray, which the parents can take…turn on and off, or Dropo can. Oh, Dropo’s vacuuming, actually, by a…Kimar’s in there. He’s not upset. Well, I went to the food store…food capsules; we’ve got burgers, buttered asparagus, mashed potatoes, and chocolate layer cake in capsule form.
But Kimar’s worried. They’re not really…the kids aren’t eating. Deeper than that, even; they’re behaving strangely, troubled. They don’t sleep. I had to use the sleep spray. I talked to my other…people in charge, and they said it’s the same with children all over the planet, in every district. It’s happening to the children…okay, so, Kimar must be 1, because he has K01. So, I guess he’s the president or something. But something’s happening to the children of Mars, which we never learn. You’re the leader of Mars. You better do something about it. Why don’t you go to the forest and see what Chochem the Ancient One says? Never failed you. So, go talk…venture in the inmost cave or whatever. So, he calls a meeting. Everybody in…department heads, Rignar, Lomas, Hargo, Boda, Boldar…Voldar…Voldar, report.
Voldar’s our…Voldar reporting. We’re gonna meet at Chochem’s Chair in the Thunder Forest. What’s wrong now? Voldar, just listen, please. So, they go out. What is Voldar? 67? I can’t see. 07…Voldar is the seventh in charge. Voldar’s gonna be our troublemaker, but not for comedic purposes. So, Voldar’s got a voice…so, let’s see. What are my notes? Sleep spray…something’s happening…you gotta do something…Ancient One…Voldar, Voldar…Voldar, Voldar, let down your hair. They go to a kinder…what is this? Kindergarten? No, no, no. This Ancient One is ancient; 800 years old. Must find out…kindergarten class…I don't know why I wrote that. Mist…we need your…poof…and this…so, this character Voldar…or, I don't know who the Ancient One is. Oh, what does Skima think, we’re a kindergarten class?
I don't know. Something. That’s something Voldar argues about. But I don't know if you’ve seen the movie Spaceballs, but Yogurt is exactly Mel Brooks’ version of Yoda…is very similar to this character, which is also similar to Billy Crystal’s character in the Princess Bride, but that character’s a little bit less comedic…and Carol Kane. Okay, here’s Kimar; thanks for coming to this meeting. It’s out in the mist…Mist Lands. We got a way for the appearance. We get some more mist, and with a poof…are you here, Ancient One of Mars? I call upon you, Kima, to meet with us. So, they say, yeah, we got…we need some help, here. Kima appears, or…it’s not a animatronic. At first it does look like it…or a puppet. Very dramatic. It’s got the long staff like any wizard would. You called upon me? What do you need?
Yeah, we need your advice, man. Jojin…something’s wrong. The kids aren’t eating right. They’re not sleeping. They’re watching these Earth programs. That’s the only thing they’re interested in. They’re meaningless. He goes, what time of year is it, the middle of September? No, no, no. It’s…on Earth; what time of the year is it on Earth? Oh, on Earth? Let’s see, September, October, November, December on Earth. Early December on Earth, eh? Okay, well, it’s close to the time when they have…Santa Claus visits the children. That explains it. What is Santa Claus? What is Christmas…a visit from Santa Claus? Well, it’s a great anticipation. Peace, joy, supposedly. Children…it’s a time of great anticipation — so, he really nails it — as they await the arrival of Santa Claus. That’s all they care about. Ain’t that the truth?
A lot of kids; not all of them. He brings gifts. What nonsense, Voldar says. What does this have to do with Mars, man? Because they don’t…oh, this is a pretty big thing, so…and Mars, the children…there are no children. There’s adults in children’s bodies, because when you’re on Mars, you don’t experience childhood. You go through an electro…electrain machine teaching…electrain teaching machine which feeds into your mind all the knowledge you need for adulthood. It flows through your brain or something. So, then your body grows into an adult body, but your mind is already an adult. So, this is a little bit of a Luddite-type lesson here. I don't know what it has to do with Santa Claus other than the fact it’s this…I think it’s more of a tactile thing versus anti-technology, where it says, yeah, the kids never play anymore.
I don't know when this started in the history of Mars, but now they rebel. They need to listen and play and have fun. Then, he doesn’t sing the song, but it would be a perfect opportunity for it to be a musical, 'cause he says, we need Christmas on Mars, or Santa Claus on Mars so he could sing that…‘we need a little Christmas right this very moment’. That would be good. So, this could be a musical with any…it’d have to be whatever public domain musicals, or it could be a Starfield adventure. Not StarCraft. I mean, I guess it could. You could have it be…versus…you could have the north…you could pick sides. StarCraft 4; do you want to be the North Pole, USA, or Mars? That would be fun. Actually, that would be unbelievably fun. So, what if in Starfield there’s a version of StarCraft where you play that and that’s part of the mission?
That would be some deep stuff. That would be fun, man. You’d say, what have you been doing on Starfield? I got that new…I got that DSP or whatever, that add-on pack, and man, it’s exactly like StarCraft except…'cause you can go to the North Pole, you could go to Mars, or you could go to North America, and you’re…and then each…you got all the representative things. So, it’s…you can’t say ‘reporting for duty’, but…'cause it’s not actually…StarCraft was a game a while ago, much different than Starfield, but I get the two words mixed up when I’m Googling ‘how to find ship parts StarCraft’. Luckily, it knows. Okay, so, yeah, he says, yeah, they’re children’s bodies with adult minds. That doesn’t work. So he says, yeah, we need a little Christmas right this very moment.
We need more than a little Christmas; we need a Santa right in his Santa suit. Electronic teaching machines…not good anymore. The passive consumption of a stream of…it’s just not working. The kids gotta get out there and play, man. They gotta let loose. They gotta kick off their Sunday shoes. Ooh, wee, buddy. So, this guy says, what should we do? Okay, so, then they say, yeah, let’s get Christmas going. They have stunned looks, though, and this is laugh number one from Voldar, I think, like a villainous laugh. So, we need a Santa Claus on Mars. So, there’s our call to adventure, I guess. I don't feel like Kimar’s the main character, but I guess so, because somebody’s being called to adventure. So, the task for the Martians is to get Santa on Mars.
I mean, I guess this is why…it could have just been a little bit more developed, 'cause Kimar’s not exactly…I mean, he’s not unlikable and he makes a couple good choices, but I mean, maybe just a little bit more development. It was a foolish idea, though. It’s a serious…Voldar is not a big fan of kids. I can’t imagine having Voldar as a parent. Children are fine, Voldar says. They don’t need toys and games. They’ll play and laugh and run and be a nuisance. So, no, not gonna happen. Get Spaceship No. 1 ready. So, they’re gonna get ready to go to Mars. I mean, go to Earth. So, then we see Spaceship No. 1 take off. They say, we leave tonight, man. We got drums, we got music, we got mist. We see a couple other shots of the ship in space, and they work at a circular command station. So, they’re all working together.
Very collaborative, flying a Martian spaceship. Takes teamwork. They’re about to head into Earth orbit. They use the term…the Earth term. So, they’ve gotta be…there has to be some sort of Earth-Martian relation, right? Like, one came…I mean, there’s clearly deeper links and we have one…Santa’s assistant. So, I don't know…Winky. So, I don't know. But yeah, this is…so, I think that could be…if it’s a remake…and maybe it could play on that Charlton Heston movie that got remade, where you say, holy cow, this is Earth. I don't know. But…out in a poof…where are we? Okay, they’re about to…Earth orbit…port…oh, 'cause they use terms like ‘port’ and ‘starboard’. A lot of engines on this ship for different things. They start looking for Santa Claus. They got magnoscopes, so…and they say, set it to third power. Then they see a city.
It looks like New York. Voldar doesn’t like cities above ground. He likes living below the ground. So, he says, yeah, check it out…primitive…we could use our…got some sort of radar…laser beams, you know? The guy goes, we’re here to get Santa Claus, man. Go to fifth power. This is a funny moment, man. So, New York City at holidays…they say, look for somebody in a red suit turned with white fur, a long white beard…and Volnar says, that’s not gonna be possible, man. There’s millions of people in this city. Like finding dust in a comet’s tail. Oh, wait a second, there’s Santa right there standing on a street corner. Then he says, I see him, too, ringing a bell. No, no, no, he’s standing near a kettle at a large building. No, he’s standing next to a fake chimney. No, wait a second, there’s another one.
Wait, there’s hundreds of Santa Clauses. Which one…? How do we bring them all back? obviously they won't miss Santa if we just take one. Then we get a news report. I don't think it’s KID TV anymore, though. It’s the real news. They say there’s some object circling Earth. Not a spaceship, not from the Soviet Union. So, we get a sequence of everybody getting ready to go, and this seems like stock footage. So, it’s a long sequence of stock footage of preparing for the defense. I say, really, this…I don't know if any of those things are…whatever. Then we get something…they say, okay, the Earth found us on radar. Okay, put on the radar-blocker. Our radar-blocker’s not working. Huh, I wonder why. Oh, Dropo’s sleeping in the radar box. That’s why the radar-blocker’s not working. Dropo, what are you doing, man?
He does a little comedic thing. Oh, well. I just went…I wanted to say goodbye to you, and then I thought, I want to go to Earth. It makes sense. They say, Dropo, get below. Then Dropo runs into the landing gear which is all in pastel colors, all the handles. One of my favorite parts; the pastel colors of the handles of their landing pads. Then they’re gonna land near a lake or something. They say, okay, let’s put some…run it on the silent rockets and we’ll get down there. Then the news reports…the UFO’s gone. It may have radar-blocking, though. So, in this world, the government’s pretty honest about everything. They say, yeah, there’s a UFO. We lost track of it. Maybe it was a mistake. We don’t know. Maybe it’s got radar-blocking. We’ll tell you more soon, but don't worry, we’re on it.
So, then we have another sequence of stock footage showing defense. I assume it’s stock footage. I’m not positive about that, but…like, free footage to promote the promotion of promotes. You know, keep us promoted. Retro rockets? Lower the landing legs. So, the past…that’s when we see the past…how things get into action. The dude who lowers the landing legs takes his job very seriously. Like, this dude…it’s like a art form for him just pulling these levers. Then we go to this next scene which is two kids just chilling in the woods. They’re listening to…speaking of pastels and previous episodes of Sleep With Me; they’re listening to a flavor radio which is a handheld radio in a bright color. Theirs is red and white. One of the kids is sleeping. His sister’s just listening to the radio. They’re listening to the news, though.
She goes, Billy, what’s a Martian look like? He goes, I don't know. I’m sleeping, Betty. Billy and Betty. No one’s ever seen one. She goes, yeah, I don't think there’s any…or, one of them is like, I don't believe in Martians. Then next thing you know, the Martians come running up. Billy’s got his eyes closed, so Betty’s like, yo, yo, there’s Martians here. He goes, I’m trying to sleep, Betty. She goes, there’s Martians right there. He goes, you’re imagining things. The Martians go, no, you’re not. We’re from Mars, by the way. Hi. Yeah, don't worry, this is one of the lines that…if the kids would have taken the wrong way…they say, don't worry, we got kids just like you on Mars. But the kids, they…Betty says, what are the things sticking out of your helmet heads? Oh, those are our antenna.
So, I guess another thing would be like, maybe these…maybe the Martians are augmented humans from our past or future or something, or they just developed in that way. ‘Cause they have helmets, but they said that it’s part of them, so…so, they say, Billy, could you help us? We’re looking for one of your Santa Clauses. He goes, silly Martians. There’s only one Santa Claus. All the other ones are assistants. Santa Claus is real, but the non-real Santa Clauses are helpers. If myth turns out to be fact, the Santa Claus at the North Pole is getting ready for Christmas. Then Voldar says, these people are nincompoops. Oh, 'cause I think Betty asked, are you in a television set? But then they say, okay, you’re gonna have to wait on our ship. This was at some Welsh lake.
We get the news report; hey, two kids…something’s weird…going on, and let’s go to some more stock footage. So, they go to more stock footage. Then we go…we see Dropo’s giving the kids a tour of the spaceship while everybody else is busy. They say, wow, this is cool, man. Dropo goes, yeah, a real spaceship. Dropo says, don’t touch anything. What does that say? Mars time, Jupiter time, Earth time. He goes, those are the retro rockets. What’s that light? Oh, that’s a radar-blocker. We got a radar screen so nobody can find us. That button’s when the elevator’s coming up. Oh boy, that light’s…oh boy, the elevator’s coming up. Better hide you guys in the radar box. So, Dropo gives them the tour, we find out a couple things about how the ship works, they’re approaching the North Pole and the workshops, they put on the rocket-silencers.
They have a pretty solid plan, I think, 'cause they say, we’ll just…we’ll go get Santa. No one’s gonna know. We’re gonna use Torg, so we’ll activate Torg. So, Torg, activate. We need to activate Torg…I guess 'cause they didn’t know that there’d be a team of workers and Mrs. Claus there. They just didn’t ask the kids enough questions. But yeah, they say, okay, we need Torg. So, we get the mystery; who’s Torg? Who’s this Torg gonna be? But nothing can stop Torg, apparently. Okay, so, they…we see a cool shot of the workshop, of Santa Claus’ workshop. They get ready for a landing, then Billy and Betty sneak out of the ship right after it lands. Pretty smart. Apparently Dropo helped them. They go to the North Pole and Billy’s…they come down a ladder and they say, come on, let’s find Santa’s workshop.
Then we see the Martians on the ladder. The ladder is very shaky as they come down. They decide to split up to find…I don't think they realize the kids are gone yet…to find Santa’s workshop, maybe? Then Voldar comes down. He’s like, dude, you’re…I’m so sick of your attitude. You oppose me at every chance you get. I’m fed up with you, Voldar. Voldar goes, you finished, man? Voldar’s such a…not a good rebel, like the rebel in me. Rebel…but he has a bad attitude, but not in a cool way. He still doesn’t want anything to do with Santa Claus or happy kids. But he says, you finished, man? ‘Cause the children got away. He goes, Voldar, this is no time for jokes. He goes, no, no…he goes, they’re gonna warn Santa Claus. What could be worse than that?
I guess that makes sense if you have no idea about anything about the North Pole or stuff. So, they say, okay…boy, that’s not good. So, we gotta do something. They say, okay, we gotta stop them. Get Torg. Torg, come out. They go…this is very spaced out, like Sleep With Me. Torg, come out of the spaceship. Torg, come out of the spaceship. Oh, also, Billy…I didn’t realize that; Billy deactivated the space…broke the radar-shield. Man, this…he’s a smart kid, and he covers his tracks so that they’ll never know. Yeah, the kids head out of their ship. Okay, so, then they say…oh yeah; they say, by the way, look at all these little kids’ footprints in the snow. Yeah, they were. So, they get Torg out of the ship, then we see Betty is cold and tired. Billy says, come on, we gotta find Santa’s workshop. Then they see Voldar looking for them.
Billy says, we’ll go hide in this little cave here. So, they hide in the cave, then Voldar leaves, and there’s a gummy bear there. But they hide from the gummy bear 'cause they say, I don't know what the gummy…they said, don’t gummy bears bounce here and there and everywhere? That’s bound to bring…attract trouble. So, they go back. Then there’s big music, then the gummy bear disappears, so Billy goes to take a look. They say, what are we gonna do? It seems hopeless. They say, we’ll find Santa’s workshop. Don't worry. Then Betty says, look over there, those lights. But we are…realize the lights are on a robot who is…that’s, whatever, Torg. Torg the robot. Now, this is already the biggest blow, I think. Without Torg…which is cool, a lot of the low-quality stuff…but Torg is literally made out of cardboard and air duct legs.
So, it’s more comedic. But Torg is also a super powerful robot for a brief period of time. So, Torg says, hey, Billy, Betty, I’m here…I’m supposed to wait with you here. Betty’s jaw drops when she sees Torg. She says, what is that? Billy says, I don't know. So, Torg has…says, let’s just wait here. Then Voldar gets there first and says, Torg, no, no, no. Send big…these kids are…have been naughty and not nice. But Kimar gets there and says, I know you…I knew you’d try something. You’re very lucky, man…kids, 'cause Voldar’s no good. Go back to the ship. Then Billy goes, you Martian…right now there’s a close-up on Kimar. He looks…he does…he could easily be played by Bryan Cranston, and we know Bryan Cranston has that range from all the way…not only all the films and Breaking Bad, but all the way back to Malcolm in the Middle, the rollerskating episode.
Then Torg…Voldar says, the danger…or somebody says, the danger grows with every minute. I say, really? So, that’s a interesting thing to say. I didn’t know…so, and then Voldar’s constantly going…and Kimar says, we’re not here to cause any harm other than taking their Santa Claus. We’re not here to cause any harm. It’s too far afield for Voldar. He says, Santa Claus, toys, and games, and whatever. Then he says, Torg, follow me. Let’s go to Santa’s workshop and we’ll have Torg go in and retrieve Santa. So, then they’re outside of Santa’s workshop. He goes, Torg, go in and get Santa. So, Torg goes through the door, and this is where it gets interesting because this is where we see what’s going on with Winky, 'cause he tries to stop Torg, and then Santa says…laughs. He says…he has short sleeves.
He says, that’s the biggest toy I’ve ever seen. Well-made, at that. Torg recognizes…I guess the irony would be that Torg is recognizing their maker, so that at some point when these timelines crossed…so, this could all be Santa’s fault in some way…would be a interesting place to take it, right? Because Torg instantly recognizes Santa and kind of shut down. I’m imagining Torg was purring with a satisfactory thing. So, I don't know. Winky’s involved in this, but maybe that’s what Winky realized. Or maybe Winky sent Torg…I don't know. I mean, it would be interesting too, 'cause the elves are not…so, we don’t know the…there’s different movies about Santa’s elven…how that happened. But this could be interesting if we have the elves, the Martians, and we get into the elves of the fantasy realms.
You say, okay…yeah, how did they end up working for Santa Claus? ‘Cause I thought they were kind of a people removed from humans and they liked to be on their own. How are the Martians involved and how is Torg involved? So, all interesting. I mean, I think it would probably work best as a future timeline thing, 'cause of the time across…I don't know. You say, this is what we end up like? Well, okay…I don't know. But Billy…I love…I’m watching. He says, you Martian. So, I don't know what year Planet of the…the Charlton Heston Planet…came out, but…yeah. Alright, so, Santa…anyway, Santa’s talking to Torg, shut down Torg, so then…and then Kimar and Voldar go in. Immediately Winky says, those are Martians. He goes, you can’t take…now, he says this very clearly.
So, maybe the Cullen brothers could make this, 'cause he says, you can’t take him now. That feels like a Cullen brothers moment where we’ve either seen Winky…so, Winky is kind of like a character in Fargo or something, 'cause he says, you can’t take him now because it’s almost Christmas. I won't get my…you’re supposed to be here after Christmas when I get my bonus. So, maybe Winky’s not so innocent. I don't know, maybe Winky just wants…maybe Winky wants what’s best for Mars, too, and was like, this would have worked out a lot better…like, maybe Winky’s the architect of what…this all messed up Winky’s plan for peace between Mars and earth via Santa Claus. But anyway, they have these things…like, you know at science museums there’s these rubber band things that poof air at you?
Like, you pull them back and you can poof a poof of air at people? Well, the Martians have those, but they cause people to freeze. So, they freeze Winky and Santa’s other assistants, then Mrs. Claus comes and says, what’s this nonsense? We’ve gotta stay on schedule, here. Then they use a poof to freeze Mrs. Claus, and then Santa makes a cheap joke about Mrs. Claus. I say, come on…and even Voldar says, that’s gold, man. But Torg stays behind. Torg’s fully…I actually can’t remember what’s next with Torg, but Torg’s fully frozen, full shut down. Then we see…okay, we’re at the halfway point. So, this movie is clocking in right at time as far as…a little bit too clocking in, I guess. ‘Cause I say, okay, now Santa Claus is headed to Mars. So, we see newspapers, news reports…it’s positively confirmed by Mrs. Claus that Santa’s a guest of the Martians without his permission.
But don't worry; the UN is on it and the world is united. So, I guess that’s cool. Finally some unity. This is what it took. I guess unfortunately…misinformation, 'cause we don’t actually know what’s going on with the Martians. They just don’t have their own Santa Claus. I mean, I guess they didn’t know to be straightforward with us. So, I don't know. I guess it was their choice to not ask. They are also getting free TV. But anyway, then they interview Wernher von Green and he says, forget testing; we got our testing rocket. We’re gonna go after the Martians. Everybody’s in line. We’re gonna bring Santa back to our children, and that’s when…so, that’s the good midpoint of the movie.
So, I guess…just wondering…so, if it was Starfield, I think it’d be cool if there was a StarCraft game…but I guess you could…Mars and earth are pretty close together in Starfield. But it could be cool if there’s one…a rocket sleigh that you could somehow unlock during the mission. Also, it could be a mission where you’re delivering toys. That would be…not like Starfield, but it could still be a mission. It could actually be a ship where you’re finding, whatever, unformed earthlings. Like, you’re trying to do…could be different challenges just delivering presents on Earth and Mars. There could also be opportunities for cool sidetracks and stuff and fun stuff. But I still don’t know who you’d want to work with.
So, maybe…I guess maybe you could choose and defend the North Pole or help…yeah, I guess that would be it. You’d say, okay, we’re gonna stop…we’re gonna…I’m gonna work for Santa Claus. But I guess at this point I can’t confirm, 'cause I say, what would be best for everybody? We’ll find out in the next part of the movie. So, I hope you’re having a restful holiday season. I hope this is a part of it. Goodnight, everybody. We’ll be back soon, 'cause we’re gonna bring Santa back and bring Santa to where he belongs at the same time. Okay, goodnight.
[END OF RECORDING]
(Transcription performed by LeahTranscribes)
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