Realtime Wall Bed Assembly – Listener Favorite #433

Notable Language:

• Sponge-Based Mallet
• The Great Soda Vacation
• 14 Teal Dowels

Notable Culture:

• Dick Van Dyke
• Criminal podcast
• The Lion, The Witch, & The Wardrobe

Notable Talking Points:

• Memories of the Rubber Mallet Reflex Test
• My Murphy Bed Quest
• Platonic Nap Time

Episode 1168a – Realtime Wall Bed Assembly – Listener Favorite #433

 

[START OF RECORDING]

 

SCOOTER: Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s time. This is a look-back podcast. This is a fan favorite. Oh boy, I can’t believe how long ago this was. This is the new version of Real Time Recipe, a real-time wall-bed assembly where I put together a wall-bed. I don't even know what year this was, but it was quite a while ago. Here’s the thing; it was great, but it didn’t turn out too…it turned out to be a great bed. It worked out great for the situation, and it’ll be lulling and soothing. If you’re new, welcome to Sleep With Me. This is a episode where we pull a show out of our archives 'cause we got over, whatever, almost 1,200 episodes, and…'cause people…fans over the years have loved. Yeah, so…but Sleep With Me is a podcast to take your mind off of stuff and put you to sleep.

 

It is a bit different, so give it a few tries and see how it goes. It does take some getting used to. It’s really meant to ease you into bedtime. Structurally, we have some support coming up — that’s how we’re able to put out the show for free — then there will be a long, meandering intro meant to ease you into bedtime. It’s really a show within a show, so you don’t want to miss out on that. It’s where you get to know me, or eventually you say, okay, I’ve gotten to know you…that I know I don’t need to pay attention to you. I say, perfect; now we have a understanding. I’m here for you because you deserve a good night’s sleep.

 

Then there will be a bedtime story based on my putting together a wall-bed, and I’m sure I thought it was gonna come with…it did…it was a positive bed. It really did work out, but it didn’t fix everything. I don't know if I posit that in the episode or not. After that will be…yeah, that’s the show. I’m so glad you’re here. Thanks for coming by, and thanks for making it possible, my patron peeps.

 

INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that’s here to put you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’m gonna do the rest. By the way, I’m a little breathy on the mic right now. I don't know if you’ll hear it as it comes out, but I’m gonna do the rest. What that means is I’m gonna create a safe place…and actually monitoring my audio and paying attention as closely as I can to my pace and stuff. That’s part of creating a safe place. But the safe place is where you can set aside whatever it is that’s keeping you up, whether it’s stuff you’re thinking about, stuff you’re physically feeling…what they call feelings or emotions that you could be experiencing.

 

Or, you say, can you feel feelings? That’s a trick question, if you’re asking me. Okay, I’m crossing my fingers 'cause I’m wondering if there’s a rubber mallet test for feelings. Maybe we could come back to that. But whatever it is keeping you up, whether it’s feelings, thoughts, physical sensations or con…condensation, holy crow. Hopefully you’re not experiencing any condensation unless you’re…that’d be great if…that’d be a new listener base; sodas. You say, well, how did Scooter break…? Well, they figured out that if…in soda warehouses, if they played his podcast, the soda…the high-fructose corn syrup would vibrate in a certain way where it just added a touch…it balanced out the sweetness even more.

 

That’s how Scooter, for a day or two…but then they realized…they said, we didn’t know you could spoil soda, but you did. Why’d you have to tell that story about the soda that got feelings? Why would you do that? We just…we said, we’ll play your podcast at the soda warehouses, as it creates a aural cons…aural condensation. Anyway, that’s the kind of stuff I do around here. Senseless meanders; that’s part of the safe place, to take your mind off of what’s keeping you awake. Whether, like I said, condensation…could be any changes in your schedule, routine, back to school. Whatever it is, I’m gonna try to take your mind off…what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night, along with loving kindness and the hope I can escort you across the threshold from wake to sleep or distract you while you float across there.

 

One of the methods I do it is…I guess that you could call it indulge…I indulge the parts of my brain that…they always say…and I don't know, maybe this is why the podcast works, is just 'cause I just be myself a lot of the time. You say, yeah, and I’m not kidding; you don’t even need to roll your eyes, 'cause you say, can you imagine this? That’s why usually I just keep my mouth shut. I guess what a wonderful place to be able to be myself, 'cause I can put you to sleep and I get to be myself and wonder stuff. Like, huh, the feeling…can you feel feelings? ‘Cause I guess I have trouble. This is where my thoughts were going earlier, and I guess if this is…if you’re new here, this is a little sample of a distraction-based tangent, or a DBT. That doesn’t sound…TBD…tangent-based distraction.

 

I guess I’ll…BT…anyway, what I was thinking is why…when they…at least, I see this in cartoons. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen it in real life. Maybe when the one…there was one girl in my class in grammar school and her mother was a doctor, and she came in. I think she brought one of those rubber mallets. Yeah, I think she did. Dr. K. I won't say her full name 'cause obviously getting associated with this podcast is…they’d say, well, it’s not a malpractice suit. It’s…we’d say it’s a…you know. But you see…what do the rubber mallet…what does that…where they check your reflexes? I guess that’s what they check with that. We gotta get one of those type of tests for emotions. I’d say, 'cause I think even my reflexes, I’d…they’d say, nope, you’re lacking in reflexes. They say, are you doing that on purpose? I’d say, possibly. I don't know.

 

But I wonder if there’s…I mean, I’m sure there is an actual test to say, well, let’s test your…but I’d prefer if it wasn’t Rorschach-based or question-based. Tell me what…tell me about your relationship with this. I say, well, don’t you…can’t you just tap something with a rubber mallet and…? I think that would be better for the current…in, at least, the United States. You say, okay, yeah, we’ll just…and then we’ll just prescribe you something. We’ll tap you twice with this mallet and say, okay…but wouldn’t that be nice if…you’d say, listen, Doc, I don't know if I’m feeling feelings. I don't know if I ever have before. Can you run a test on me? Oh yeah, let me get out the feel…the old feeling mallet. It’s like a rubber mallet, but it’s a sponge. I said, really, a sponge?

 

This could be the trick; here you go…anybody that…don’t do this unless you want to lose your business, but if you’re close to retirement and you want to go out with a bang…I guess the patient’s reaction to the test…I think this is in a lot of different TV shows and movies anyway. But so, you say, well, no; it’s made out of sponge. Are you with me? The test is how I react to the apparatus, not the actual apparatus itself. You say, so, instead of using a rubber mallet to test my physical…what do they…what do we call it? I forgot. Reactions? Is that what it was called? You’re gonna tap me with a sponge-based mallet to see what my emotional reactions are? What is it called? I forgot. Is it reaction? I can’t believe this is…my brain is like Swiss cheese, like a sponge.

 

The doctors say, yeah, how do you feel about being tapped with a sponge-based mallet? I say, whoa, doc, is it a sponge mallet or a sponge-based mallet? Because that sounds like some sort of…that sounds like the ingredients on stuff in the middle aisles at a grocery store; now sponge-based. Is it a sponge…is it an actual sponge? ‘Cause…and they say, okay, let me just write this down. Well, what are you writing down? You haven’t tapped me with your sponge mallet yet. They say, you’re doing great. We’re just gonna tap you. Where would you tap me for…? ‘Cause I’ve always wondered if my…where my emotions live. I think there is…the Achilles’ heel, they say. Have you ever tapped anyone in the Achilles’ heel with a sponge-based mallet? Do they have an emotional response?

 

I guess that would be the…they’d say, how are you feeling now that I’m tapping? Well, it’s a little ticklish, I’ll be honest with you, doctor, and it’s also ridiculous. I feel a bit like…I feel like this is something strange. You’re tapping me with…I say, why don’t you tap me right here, right in the middle of my chest? The doctor would say, okay, is that where you think your feelings…the source of your feel…? No, no, I just want to hear what kind of sound it makes. I’m gonna make the…I want to see…I’m gonna try to do the…this…doctor, listen real close. This is what it sounds like when I tap with my finger; uhh. So, I want to hear it with the sponge. Can you…do you have your rubber mallet? Could we tap my chest with a rubber mallet, too, and…? Okay, my appointment’s over? Well, you never tapped me with the sponge-based mallet.

 

So, that’s a little sample of the podcast, unintentional, to be honest with you. But once I get a sponge-based mallet in my head…is that what it is? It’s a mallet. What’s the difference between a mallet and a hammer? I’m not doing material, either. Are mallets just hammers that aren’t made from metal and wood? Oh, 'cause a wooden mallet…you have a wooden mallet, you have a rubber mallet, you have a…you have the mallet used to put…is that a hammer for tent…for your tent? I’ve seen those. Is that a mallet or a hammer? ‘Cause you know how much I love words on this podcast. Mallet is a lovely word. Hammer, a little hard for a sleep podcast. Hammer; you hear that? Mallet. Just in case anybody’s listening that’s curious about the process of this podcast, there…what are the secrets of your podcast?

 

You gotta know the…let me tell you. Have a seat, doctor. Let me tell you, there’s a big difference between the word ‘hammer’ and the word ‘mallet’. The doctors say, actually, I’m a…whatever, a word scientist on the side, and there actually isn’t very much…I’d say, we’re talking about the art of words, doctor. The doctor…say, can you repeat that? ‘Cause I don't even think you said ‘the art of words’. You just…it sounded like you had one word that meant…and I say, exactly. I’m efficient as well as artistic with my words, and I’m telling you that in a sleep…in the context of this podcast, a mallet…especially a rubbery…what about a pillowy mallet? A pillowy mallet hammering your heart with my words, doctor.

 

So, anyway…sometimes the podcast could get a little ridiculous, 'cause it’s meant to take your mind off of stuff, lighten the mood like a…lighten the mallet like a sponge-based or a feather-based or a hypoallergenic-based mallet would. You’d say, wow, that really lightened up the mallet, taking apart…taking away the part that actually functions as a…well, say it’s…you got a nice handle there, doctor. May I say your handle on that handle makes me want to play a little handle, if you don’t mind me getting goof…double…tripling the goof. So, anyway, that’s the podcast. If you don’t like this, no big deal. You don’t need to listen close. You can fall asleep whenever you want, but you’re under no pressure to fall asleep. I’ll be here for another fifty minutes or so telling a bedtime story, giving it my all. Give it a few tries, if you’re new.

 

But if you don’t like me, if I get on your nerves, if you find me grating, there’s no…what was that called? No expectation. You don’t have to like me. It doesn’t work for everybody. I think that there’s a nicer way of putting it, where…not antagonistic or whatever. It’s cool. I mean, I totally get it; I just talked about mallet…I mean, I probably said ‘mallet’ eight-five times, and I can’t get enough of it. If you could actually have a video of my brain right now…I guess I am 30% or 40% Homer Simpson, 'cause I literally have mallets on the brain. Mallets on the brain, podcast…you could figure out the rest of the rhyme. So, anyway, I’m glad you’re here. This is a podcast to take your mind off of stuff. A little bit silly…maybe put something almost resembling a smile on your face.

 

For lovers of mallets, you’re obviously in the right place, or mallet designers, or psychological…pseudo-psychological test designers. You say, there you go; you got a new business, the Mallet Test. Who…is that named after the sponge mallet? No, it’s the ultimate irony; Edward Mallet and his wife, Renee Mallet, they came up with the test together. They were geniuses in the field. You say, why don’t you call it the Mallet’s Test? Well, we did for a while, but it’s just easier to say the Mallet Test, 'cause also there’s a mallet involved. So, that’s it, mallets and all. I hope…I’m glad you’re here. I appreciate your time. I’m actually here to waste your time, strangely enough, but in the most productive way possible, 'cause you don’t even need to tune…you could tune me out whenever you need to. By wasting your time, ideally you drift off or kick back and listen. If you can’t fall asleep, like I said, I’ll be here the whole time. So, thanks for stopping by. I really hope, I really yearn to help you fall asleep. 

 

Hey, what’s up? Good to see you. Let me just tell you upfront; I don’t have any food plans. Won’t be doing any cooking, but I’m glad you came over, 'cause I’ve been stressed here. I bought a bed frame for…and I gotta put it together. Usually I’m pretty good at putting stuff together, but I thought…it says you need three people, and it took all my will to ask you to come over and give me some help with this, 'cause it’s not my bed; it’s my…for my daughter, so I don’t want to…well, it’s actually a mixed-use bed, I’ll be honest with you, for guests and things. But I was gonna do it by myself and I did do it by myself, and then I had one of those ones where my dyslexia kicked in and I had a couple pieces…you know me. I’m like one of the great furniture-putter-togethers in the world, especially affordable, entry-level furniture.

 

I guess I’m not a craftsman. I’m an assembler. Just like the podcast…you say, is Sleep With Me podcast…is that a thing of craft? More like an assembly of…a mismatched assembly, I think…assemblage. It’s like, I can assemble anything. So, I got this bed. So, thanks so much for coming by. I have some drinks here. I have…believe it or not, I have…this is how crazy I am, so I don’t…like I said, I don’t…I can’t keep anything in the house that isn’t sparkling. Well, that’s not true; I have milk in there and I have actually two kinds of non-dairy milk, one of which was reject…I drank it. It’s coconut…I don't know, it’s some sort of…it’s like soy milk or rice milk, but it says it’s coconut. I’m not sure what it really is, but it’s vanilla-flavored. Then I have a chocolate alternative beverage.

 

But then, let me tell you about these waters I’ve been…so, I have the water machine so I can sparkle on-location here, which I do, and…thank you, you’re sparkling. Your smile is as sparkling as your…as the star…but let me tell you…let’s talk about water instead of the sparkle in your eye. So, I…at some point I said…I used to think that…what are these called? These are called Merrill waters. I thought these were for snobs, to be honest, and so…maybe you need to…you might have to lose me as a friend because I started buying mineral water, sparkling mineral water. Now, I’ll tell you what, for the price, when you compare it around to soda…and the thing is, I have to…I drink a lot of stuff because I can’t drink, so I have to drink a lot of stuff that doesn’t…'cause otherwise if I’m not always drinking something, I’m thinking about drinking.

 

Not really, not…but so, I have these two…so, TJ’s, where we go…always go, they have these two different ones. One is…I think that’s a German word. I don't…I’m not even gonna try to pronounce it. That’s the clear bottle. Then the green bottle, that’s the standard everybody buys. That’s the one I always thought was snobby, but it turns out they’re both…they taste different and that’s why I have both, so…is this too much information about a drink you’re gonna have? Also, I have lemon and lime, I have fresh…or, not fresh, and then I have frozen ones. But yeah, so, the German one, I think I…I guess if you had to ask me if I prefer one, the German one has a little bit stronger mineral flavor. No sulphur action on either one, but it has a little more flavor. You say, what is…? I say, min…it’s got a hint of mineral.

 

Now, I don't know anything about the minerals that are in there. I’ve looked at the label and I said…I googled it once or twice and then I think I got on some list. But supposedly, it’s perfectly good for you, these two waters. So, I have those two, then I have homemade sparkling water, which I can make. One out of five times, I say, well, I have a cold pitcher of water in the fridge, and then the other…what is that? I say, just use the tap water. Do I talk to myself? Of course while I’m doing that, unless I’m listening to a podcast. Yeah, my kitchen is still mostly 99% Invisible and Criminal only for podcasts. I’m trying to think if I’ve listened to anything else. No, those are the only two I listen to in the kitchen. Just makes it easier. If I’m not listening to those, I’m watching football…soccer. I’m watching soccer on the iPad.

 

Yeah, it’s…what a life I live, right? Oh, boy. But so, okay, I’m not even through the beverages yet. No canned beverages right now, just 'cause I guess…I don't know why. There was a couple decent ones, but sometimes my cart gets so full…I guess these mineral bottles, they’re so darn heavy. Then I also changed…after the great soda vacation, I’ll tell you what I…how I adjusted. But so, then I have a reg…so, I have homemade sparkling water, which we could put lemon or lime in. I don't know if I have any ice cubes. I washed my ice cube thing maybe three months ago and it’s still on the drying rack. Again, that’s some sort of emotional issue, that I can’t get it from the drying rack filled with water and into the freezer, and I don't know what it is. Emotional block, I guess. So, that’s that. But I also have not-mineral water.

 

I guess it’s spring water or something, Americanized water with flavoring. So, I have some mixed berry and some lime. Okay, you’re laughing. Okay, then we have a iced tea situation, but it’s a little late in the day for iced tea. It’s after 2:00, 'cause…so, I have…yeah, I have a…now, at lunch, ever since…so, you know the great soda vacation where I drank all that soda and I probably became chemically dependent on soda and caffeinated soda…so, I said, whoa boy, I gotta cut the soda when I get back from vacation. I do like tea, an iced tea, so I said, okay…and I have that big forty-gallons insulated thing. So, I have…TJ’s has…they have this brand of iced tea that comes in a glass that’s just regular black tea, black iced tea, but then they also have this green and white tea with a little mint. That comes in a jug.

 

See that jug? That’s that jug. They’re both…so, I do a tri-tea. Yeah, so I fill it half with black tea, then I put some honey in there, and then I put the white and the green tea, and then frozen lemon or lime. Yeah, like I said, this is the…is this snobby or no? No, it’s…said, it’s the opposite. It’s par for the course for me. Exactly. So, those…so, really, you can’t drink the tea 'cause that’s just for lunch at work, and that way I can keep getting caffeine ‘til about 1:00, 1:30. There’s a little sugar in there. So, it doesn’t keep me from thinking about drinking soda, but for the most part…plus, I’ve been having issues…I always have issues with dollar bills. The end of paper money can’t come soon enough for me. So, that’s…those are…I probably have some other…oh, you’re not thirsty, okay.

 

Did you just have me go through the beverage menu for your own entertainment? Okay, that’s great. You know what another…let me just pitch you on a mocktail. It’s the weakest mocktail you’ll ever have. But another thing I obsessively consume only in a contextual situation is this…well, there’s coconut water and then there’s aloe coconut water. Oh, you can’t wait to hear my theories on this. I don't really have any theories on them. At some point, I decided — and again, this is not scientifically-based research — that the aloe coconut water at TJ’s, at Trader Joe’s, is the beverage that makes my mouth the least noisy when I’m recording a podcast. So, that is the context that I drink that water in, and I like to have it at room temperature. But the problem is, it spoils. You’re laughing. Yeah, you could sit down and laugh at me.

 

It’s no problem. This is serious business. This is my life’s calling, this podcast, so, this water con…so, the aloe coconut water…I have a little cup that has a top, so if it’s day…usually I always record them back-to-back nights, anyway. So, for night one, I fill the cup and then I put the rest in the fridge, because you can’t leave it out. It goes bad within hours. It’s amazing. Then I drink that. Now, more recently, I said…they were out of the aloe, so then I bought the regular coconut water. Then I liked…I said, this tastes pretty good. Then I did…recorded a show and I didn’t hear any mouth noises. So, I said, well, maybe that’s psychosomatic, so now I just buy…I alternate. Okay, go ahead and laugh. That’s fine. I guess I alternate…yeah, no, fastidiously.

 

So, I’ll go through one jug or one Tetra pack of coconut water, and that’ll get me through two recording sessions, and then I’ll go through one Tetra pack of…it’s not a Tetra pack, though, 'cause it’s a…a Tetra pack, to me, is square or, whatever you call it, an elongated square container. Rectangle…no…well, I guess it is a rectangle. You’re right. I wish I had paid attention to three-dimensional geometry. They lost me at two dimensions. But the…anyway, so, I do alternate. Then the next…then day three, I’ll be back to aloe and coconut water. But just today, I forgot to buy either one at the store, so I don't know what I’m gonna do. I think I have enough to make it through three or four more recordings, but we’ll…after that, I don't know, 'cause since I don't have a car…yeah, these…it’s tough times, trying times; correct.

 

But so, what was…? Oh, so the mocktail I was gonna pitch you on…but I do…so, I only drink the coconut water and the aloe coconut water when I’m recording a podcast. Normally it’s…I hear it’s electro…I don't…I’m not drinking it for the electrolytes. I’m drinking it for the mouth noises and 'cause it tastes…it doesn’t have bubbles, so I don’t burp, 'cause I burp a lot, you know, and I can’t do that during the podcast. When I say burp, it’s…well, I belch; I don’t burp. I make these bellowing noises like a macho man would. Okay, no. Yeah, I’m on a roll. We’re not going to Trader Joe’s, so maybe I’m more relaxed 'cause I don’t have to worry about facing anyone I have a crush on. But so, yeah. But so, what I did discover is if you…there’s pineapple juice.

 

If you have a half-cup of pineapple juice and a half-cup of coconut water, it tastes pretty good, and that’s a mocktail. Like I said, it’s pretty weak. Taste isn’t weak, though. Taste is…it tastes like…I said, geez, I imagine I’m on a tropical beach when I’m just sitting in my kitchen. You have trouble believing that. Well, I just…I do, and I say, well, I can’t handle having a drink on a tropical beach, but I can drink pineapple juice and coconut water in my kitchen and…do you understand? Okay, good. So, anyway, now that we’ve been through the beverages, let’s talk about this bed we’ve gotta assemble. Yeah, so, let’s talk theory. Do you want to talk theory first? So, it’s a wall-bed. I think at some point they were called Murphy beds. I never looked up why, but I’ve always thought that I should own one because I don't think I’m ever moving out of this apartment.

 

My rent just…did your rent go up? My rent just went up. Yeah, it went up. It didn’t go up a crushing…it went up enough to hurt, but not enough to make me…'cause I’m pretty sure it can’t go up again. They haven’t passed rent control, but it’s on the ballot. If it passes, then there will just be a once-a-year thing. So, yeah, I can make it. But yeah, it’s…you know how it is here. So, this apartment is probably where I’ll be for at least a few more years. I mean, or forever. Since it’s only one bedroom and…I have the living room split in half and that’s my room, the back side of the living room, and this is her room. I said, for my daughter, I’d like to have a wall-bed, because even the bedroom’s not that huge, so it would be cool to have more space to play. Since she’s only here half the time, the bed would be up.

 

Then if one day we did move, then you say, oh, cool, you got a wall-bed, which I guess…I don't know, I guess I didn’t totally think it out. I just said, well, that would be…I’ve been thinking about it for at least a couple years and pricing them and seeing Costco and looking over at the IKEA hack websites and thinking, geez, should I just do an IKEA hack…or checking Craigslist a lot. So, I said, well, if this is gonna be her room, and it’s…it’ll be a upgrade for her bed. If there’s guests, they could stay in this bed 'cause it has a little more room, and there’s just more floor space. I mean, 'cause what do I want to do more than anything is play dolls on the floor with her, and so…what could go…how could that be a bad thing, to have more space to play with dolls? Yeah, I know. So, I decided at some point…and then I un-decided.

 

Over the past six months, I said, okay, I’m gonna get one of those wall-beds. Then I said, no, I’m not gonna get a wall-bed. Then I said, no…and, you know, I did come up with a new theory about these things, which is when I have double the money to buy it, then I buy it. If I can’t decide, I say, okay, if it’s…let’s just say it’s four hundred bucks. Then when I’ve saved eight hundred bucks, I’ll buy the $400-thing, because…I don't know…that doesn’t…no, that’s not based on any…well, I’m terrible with money, so I just figure that…this is more guilt-based. I feel less ashamed and guilt-ridden from spending money 'cause I had saved twice as much money. It just makes my internal critic shame me less, I think. So, yeah, once I save the money, then it kinda became…the money was there and I said, well, okay, let me look into it.

 

Then I com…which, you never know if…but I found a couple manufacturers. I trust…I guess the thing that comes down to it is that Costco…my understanding is they vet everybody. Since I don’t have a car, I’m not a member there, so I didn’t buy it from them. But I priced it around and I said, okay, there’s their price, and I found a deal. I thought I bought it from this up-and-coming company that…and that didn’t go well, either. The buying…their taking-my-money process worked. I guess I gotta vent here. In this day and age, I can’t understand how you could have a shipping problem. I don't know. Especially if a customer is paying more than $100, I just don’t understand how there could be a shipping issue.

 

But this thing…'cause it was furniture, it couldn’t go through one of the delivery companies, so I had to go through another company, and they had to set a time to deliver it. I know this is gonna sound like a FW…what is the first…? FWP or whatever. But they said, okay, we’ll be here between this time and this time. So, I had to work extra so I could get off, and then…anyway, of course…and then I had to be somewhere. It was between 2:00 and 6:00 and I had to be somewhere at 7:00, a podcasting thing for the other podcasters in the Bay Area, like Harold and Carol and Blake and Erin, Dom and Jin…a bunch of…all…Steve, all these lovely people, tons…you’ll hear more about them. Yeah. Am I letting them get to know me? You know, on a…yeah. So, anyway, so they said they would come.

 

They didn’t come, they didn’t call, which…that made me crazy. Then I called. They were supposed to be here between 2:00 and 6:00, and at 5:00 I called, and then it was like, oh yeah, your…it was automatic. You put in your…a number and it says, okay, your furniture’s gonna be there between 2:00 and 6:00 today. They didn’t call and they didn’t show up, and…so, then I sent the company I bought it from an e-mail. I said, geez…and I paid a extra $50 — I’m positive of this; the company still claims I didn’t — for them to bring it in the front door, because I didn’t know what it was coming as. But then, so, then the next day between 2:00 and 6:00, the poor delivery driver calls me. Literally, he’s calling up a mad man. He says, hey, I’m at your house. I said, well, you were supposed to be there yesterday. I know it’s not your fault.

 

Actually, he said, oh yeah, right here; it says on the invoice, yesterday between 2:00 and 6:00. He goes, yeah, they gave it to me today. Then he said, well…so, me and the delivery driver had to work it out between the two of us…between the two of us. Meanwhile, these mega corporations…but so, that’s still unresolved because I think…with the big A company, Amazon, you could say a lot about them, but they know how to get stuff delivered. Then if you call them and you have trouble, they know how to say, oh, of course, sir, you’re totally…where other companies, they still treat me like I’m a pariah. This person, they said something about…I didn’t…I don't think they were being honest with me. So, it’s still unresolved. So, yeah, sorry. I had to get that out. Sorry about that. You can see how I’d be frustrated.

 

You should work at the call center for the thing. But you can’t just say that; that makes it feel trite. You gotta say, sir, what can I do…? I don't know what you could do with me. You’d say, oh, totally. We totally messed it up, buddy. Then, I don't know. One time I did call Amazon with a problem. They said, okay, let’s fix this, let’s fix that. So, it can be done. I can be pleased. It’s possible. It’s not easy. But anyway, we gotta get to work on this bed. But actually, first we gotta go to this hardware store. So, let’s…by the magic of podcasting, let’s get over…yep, so, we’re going into this hardware store. It’s called Pagano’s. It’s the local hardware store. Now they have two stores. I think it was a family business. I don't know if it still is a family business.

 

Yeah, they had left their location that they were at for years, which was a old-school hardware store with low ceilings and the packed aisle ways. But now they have this one that we’re going to. What are we going to get? Well, a long screw, like screws to anchor into studs. Yeah, you can’t make any stud jokes anymore. It’s just not funny. Actually, I’m not buying a stud-finder, either. Well, one, 'cause…yeah, and…just because I feel like they…I think they’ve been disproven, and we’ll make do without a stud-finder. What are we gonna do? Well, it’s a rental apartment I’m never leaving, probably, so we’ll figure it out. I’m not too worried about it. But we’re gonna get anchors, screws to anchor into the studs, and some shims. Why shims?

 

‘Cause shims…I think we might need to do some shimming, and I just love…what if I was Dick Van Dyke? Shim-shiminey, shim-shiminey…no. Yeah, that’s not funny. It’s way funnier than stud-finder jokes; I’ll tell you that. Yeah, so, it was the only things we need. Should I ask anyone for help? About what? Well, no, should I? No, no, no, not a human being. I could ask the…why would I ask a human being when I could just ask Google? I don't have to worry about a…they say, really, you’re gonna do that? Did I ever tell you about the time we were gonna go…it was my friend Pat, my friend Chris, and my friend Marnie, and we were trying…we didn’t have a lot of money, the four of us, but we wanted…we had always dreamed of skiing in Vermont. That was the thing.

 

So, we found…I think…now, I didn’t have anything to do with this part, but either Chris or Marnie, they found this super-cheap way we could go if we drove up there. So, we did, but we didn’t have…I didn’t have a car, so we had to use Chris’ car, which was one of those Jeeps, those Wrangler-type Jeeps, and…where are you gonna put four sets of skis, right? So, I remember we were trying to figure out a way to do it, and whatever solution…we were trying to figure out the cheap…'cause we didn’t have any money. So, we said…we figured out the solution with duct tape and stuff, and we ran it by the guy — some sort of mechanic or something — and he said, the wiser man would not do that. So, I think if I asked for help here, that’s what they’ll say to me. That’s usually…or their look will say that; the wiser man would not do that.

 

I’d say, it’s 2016, buddy. It’s the wiser person, okay? They’d say, anyone with any wisdom wouldn’t do that. I say, well, thank you for rephrasing it. So, that’s it. Oh, any crushes at the…? No, I only go to the store, like, once. So, there’s the anchor bolts there, or what’s…yeah, those ones. Yeah, those ones look tough, and that’s what we need; tough. Then the shims. I could ask where shims are, if we can’t find them, but let’s walk around the entire store twice before I ask an employee for help. Do I have a crush on any worker here? No, not that I know of. No. I mean, I don’t come here often. Believe me, with the amount of time I get out of my place, I was hoping…I say, oh, you’re here for shim…? Then I could use the shim…I could say, hey, hang back. I’d say, well, shiminey-shim-shim-shiree.

 

I said, are you a plastic shimmer or a wooden shimmer? Your eyes glimmer…my thoughts grow dimmer. You’re here to buy shims as well? Are you gonna be shimming? Yeah, I just love…I’m sorry. It’s like Worcestershire sauce. I love saying ‘shim’. Yeah. Well, pleased to meet you. You’re plastic…sorry, I was gonna ask you out. But see how charming I can be if I’m removed from any situation I need to be charming? You want to hear that line again? I’ll use it here with you, but I can’t use it in public. But yeah, I’m sorry, I don't date people that use plastic shims. So, I was going to ask you if…oh, we could have our shims meet each other. Well, I don't know, these wooden shims, they’ve been scrapped. They’ve been through a lot, where plastic shims…I don't know.

 

These were once a mighty tree, then they got processed into some sort of lumber product and now they’re shims, where your plastic shims…oh, I’m sorry. You love plastic shims. Well, I’d say…well, I don't know, maybe I could leave my shims at home, you know what I’m saying? So, that’s my…that’s all I’ve got, though, but I would never use that except…you’d never…I would never need to use that. Oh, well. I guess you…romance died with the plastic shim, I’ll tell you that much. I know that for a fact. So, okay, so we’re all set here. Not gonna ask for any…? No, let’s just get outta here and let’s go. Okay, we’re back at my place by the magic of podcasting. Anyway, let’s go inside. This is when I’m at my best, here, the actual…mostly the assembly process.

 

Oh, one more wrinkle in the plan; we won't be able to finish…I don't think we’ll be able to finish it 'cause I…the one time I did…is I was just bragging on this company. I did buy…'cause I thought I had a drill, a cordless drill, and then I bought one 'cause I couldn’t…I said, oh, I guess I don’t. The last one I remember, I loaned to somebody and it melted at their house, on…into their rug while they were charging it. So, that was the end of that one. But so, I got a new one, and then…from the company that always delivers everything on time. Then I looked and it was supposed to be here, but it didn’t get shipped, I guess, 'cause they must have been out of stock or something. So, we won't be able to do it, but…so, we’re gonna start here. So, we need…here’s what…here’s our tools.

 

We have a screwdriver with bits and…with the hex bits. I’ve talked to you about this before off-air about the IKEA furniture assembly. It’s just good to have your own hex bits if you’re gonna be doing this and if you have a nice screwdriver like this one, where you can change the bits out. This screwdriver’s not even that great. No offense, screwdriver, but you’re missing that…some part of you. Oh, I’m missing it. Yeah, well, don’t…you see…yeah, the one person with the screwdriver that talks back to him. But yeah, if you have a cordless drill, it can save you. But if you’re…you can also do damage with it. You need to be careful. You got…but we don’t have one, so that’s not a problem.

 

But that’s all we need right now, I think, is a hammer, the screwdriver…we might need some stubby screwdrivers, but I don't see that need right now. So, we’re gonna start with 41, bar 41, which looks like it’s the top. It’s a big rectangle. Then we need three of these EQ-980s. Those are L-braces or…I don't know what they’re technically called, but they look like L-braces or something. Okay, you got those. Yeah, I don't know which one of these is 41, 'cause some of them have it stamped, some of them have stickers, so it’s gonna take me a minute. Can you get twelve KI-932Hs? Yeah, that’s a 3/4 18mm something. No, it looks like it’s just…it’s a insert, so I think what we’re gonna do is hammer that into the holes, and then that has threading that the screw will go into.

 

The screws we need are…we need twelve of those, then we need twelve KI-9321s. Those are 5/8 inches, 15mm. What does that mean? I don't know. It just means…look at the picture. See? You’ll find them. Then we need 87. So, I found 41; it’s bigger than I thought, so I’m gonna lie it on the floor, here. Oh, you know what? I’m not gonna lie it on the floor 'cause…okay, we gotta hammer these. Those are the KI-932s, so we’re gonna hammer those into the bottoms. Okay, so, two, four, six…I’m gonna do the magical hammering, here. Hammer, hammer, hammering. Then I’m gonna flip this back over. So, six are into there, and then the L-bracket’s gonna go over the holes that are on the opposite side. Yeah, we got some sawdust; that’s fine. Then we’re gonna screw the KI…and why don’t you do the KI…?

 

Wait, I gotta find 87. Oh, you know what? I just noticed that 87 is shorter than the length of 41, so that’ll help me. Yeah, you just screw those six in. Don’t tighten them, 'cause you want to make sure…okay, great job. This is 87. Do you want to do some hammering? Not yet? Okay, well, I don't…I can’t promise you there will be any hammering left, but yeah, I’m gonna hammer the rest of these six in. Then you wanna screw these KI-9321s in? Great. Oh, look, a unfinished surface. Good. So, we’re doing it the right way. Surface non-fine…superfise…sin acabado. Oh, whoops, I didn’t…place boxes under parts to assembly…avoid damage. I didn’t do that, but that’s fine. Okay, you keep tightening. I hear…but don’t over-tighten. Don’t over-tighten, 'cause you don’t want to strip anything.

 

You know, that could be something, if I would have gotten a date with that imaginary shim woman. The shim lover. Maybe I could…maybe that could be another book I write, The Shim Lover. You say, what do you do? Well, I go to hardware stores and I use a shim…I’m a shim pickup artist. So far, I used it once on an…and then I was banned from that store, but it was…that was just a test. But I say, well, what would you do if you got a date? We’d play strip assembly. We’d assemble furniture and strip. Each time a screw is…whoa, boy. Is it getting hot in here or is it the furniture assembly? Okay, I’m just kidding. So, now we need 30 and 31. These look to be the structural sides, 'cause you can see these brackets. That’s gonna be what holds the bottom of the bed in.

 

So, those are equal size, those…and those are against this wall, here. So, let’s just start with this one, which is 30. Excellent, and then we’re gonna need the bracket for it, which is either KI-985C or KI-980…came…yeah, those brackets. Yeah. Then in that same box are little, short, stubby ones. That’s KI-985M. Those are the bolts. We don’t have any millimeter or inches. They’re squat, fat bolts. It comes with a hex wrench; we don’t need that. Then there’s the adjustable feet for the entire unit. Those are PA-844s. Then we need some RO-994s. Four of those are washers; that’s simple. Then I think this is the return to where we started, KI-9321s and KI-932Hs. Right, so, we’re in business. You are really fast at getting these parts ready. I’ll be honest, this is probably one of the more complicated parts, here. So, let’s see.

 

So, we’ll do the KI-932Hs. Let’s hammer those in and then we’ll flip it over. Now, watch your fingers and toes, and then let’s put the feet in the bottom there, and those…let’s just tap that with the hammer. Very nice. Now, this is where I can mess stuff up. Now we see where the thing is headed. It’s facing this…this thing looks like a upside-down P, this bracket. Yeah, these are…these bolts are just gonna screw right into the wood, believe it or not, and then the ones with the washers…yeah, we’ll secure that one first with the washer. Good old KI-930…9321. Yeah, oof. You know what? While you do that, I’ll just get started on 31 right next to you. What I’ll do is I’ll finger-tighten and you can…you see? This is the high romance of The Shim Lover. I’ll finger-tighten and then you screw them in for me, alright?

 

Okay, well, you finish that up. Okay, you finish 31, and then we’re pretty…we’re looking good. I’m gonna go get 40. I’m gonna get two 70s, which are all spanning the widths…or did we do…? Oh, and that goes with 41. Oh, boy. I don't remember…oh, I see, that attaches right to the bottom of 41. Then we need an 83. So, I’m gathering two 40s. I got…oh no, one 40. Okay, then a 70 and then another 70. The holes go down, they say. Uh-huh. Okay. Then with this, we need fourteen dowels, which they’ve painted teal for some reason. That’s interesting. Those are GO…GO-796s, but they’re just wood…they’re the only dowels that I see. This long, viral screw here is VC…that’s funny; it’s VC-204. It’s a 2-inch, 50mm. Sixteen of those. Yeah, for this, we’ll be…you want to watch your fingers and your toes, here.

 

So, we’re gonna put 31 up against the wall here on the left. That’s the big and heavy, and we’re gonna lean it, and then we’re gonna lean 30 against the mattress on this side, on the right side. Now we’re gonna take 40, and that’s the big rectangle, and that is the…it looks like the bottom piece. Yeah, we’re gonna…very good, and then put…you just tap those dowels into 31. Perfect. Then I’m going to insert the dowels into 40, as I am. When would we strip? Well, the assembly…whenever we needed a shim? I don't know when you’d…you actually would, 'cause you wouldn’t want to strip while you’re actually putting together furniture. That’s a terrible idea unless you’re gonna stop, but we can’t stop now because we’re…so, let’s not talk about it.

 

‘Cause now I’m gonna finger-tighten these VCs in, these VC-204s, and then I’m gonna need you…we’re gonna switch…I’m gonna hold it like this, yeah, one hand on 31, one hand on 40. You come around here and just barely tighten these VCs, just halfway in. Right. Excellent, excellent. Then I’m gonna go over to the 30 side. I’ll meet you over there. Yeah, and you come over; tap those dowels in, and then we’re gonna put our VC-204s into 40. Now, we want as much play as possible. We just don’t want it to fall on our feet. Okay, now, this next stage, I’m gonna need you to get some muscles. I need you to sit on the floor and put your knees up. We’re gonna balance this 70 on your knees and your hands. I think this is where part of the bed run…yeah. So, then…this has an L-shaped piece of wood, so the dowels…that’s 83.

 

If you hold it with your knees, I’m gonna…oh, I can hold it while you do it? Okay, yeah, you put the VCs on each side and the dowels, and I’ll just hold it up here for you. Okay, excellent. Yeah, and just start…just start screwing those in there. Great. Very good. But leave it…yeah, no, don’t get…we need a lot of play. Why? Because this next part up here…trust me, 'cause we may be doing this wrong. We might have to…okay. Now we’re gonna do the same thing up here. Remember old 41…oh, so this is actually the back of the unit that I’m standing above. Then 70; we’re gonna put 70 in, and then 41s the top. So, I’ll hold 70 here, right, and you put 41 there.

 

While you tighten everything, there’s…one problem is that I can’t find my level, so we might have to not finish this, because…I know I have a level somewhere in this apartment, but I remember cleaning and saying, well, should I get rid of the level or not? Then I had that debate for a while, and then I think I decided, well, let’s put it in this obscure place I never look in case I ever need it. I’ll totally remember where it is, which I didn’t. I don't…I think it’s in the apartment somewhere. I can’t find it. Okay, you’re all…is everything tight? ‘Cause I’m gonna lift this…I’m gonna…it’s not too heavy for me, believe me. I’m a beast of burden. No, don’t worry about my back; my back has been…so, yeah, see? ‘Cause you just walk these up. It’s heavy, but we’re gonna use…yeah. See? Now it’s standing. A lot bigger than it looked.

 

Yeah, I wouldn’t be hearing that in another situation, for sure. But so, I’m working on putting it against the wall, here. That’s where it’s gonna go. I actually have it marked out, kind of. But we need to level the feet, but I don't have a level. So, we’ll skip that stage, because also we’d have to put the what-do-you-call-it into the wall anyway, so it’s like…yeah. So, I have to anchor it to…oh, we’re gonna almost finish. Don’t worry; no guts, no glory here. We’re having a great time. We’re gonna put the bed part together next. Yeah, so, see these giant things? One of these is KI-985A. One is KI-985B. We’re gonna lay them upside-down. Yeah, this is the bed…where the mattress goes on the bed platform or whatever you want to call it. Then we have KI-985F. There’s two of those. Those are the locking bars.

 

These giant phallic things are KI-985N and KI-985O. Then I said, you…yeah, this is a quick one. Holy subtext. So, we’re gonna take that bar, push it back together…yeah. So, yeah, it looks like two twins or whatever you call these, or two half-twins. Whatever. But it’s coming together. Yeah, this bar at the head and the foot hold the two frames together. Yeah, I do wonder about that, if that middle bar is gonna be…we’ll find out, I guess, or…I don't think so, though, 'cause look at how…'cause look how raised up it is in the middle. Yeah. So, let’s see. So, yeah, then we’re just…and then we…down the middle, we put in those three KI-85…yeah, that’s it. Bed frame…now we can flip it over. Now, this is heavy, so we gotta be careful. Then I’ll lie it down…yeah, and the mattress goes right on here.

 

Yeah, now would be the time to get out my shims if I could. But now what we need to do is put these spring tension bars in with a warning sign, even. I don't know what this means; well screw…two ends of the cylinders. I don't know what that means, but it seems to be in this picture. So, yeah, we’re gonna put those on, K-85Js on the left and the right, and then this warning sticker. Put the feet down; that’s all that says. Then these next steps we cannot do, believe it or not, so that’s it. We’re done putting it together, yeah, ‘cause if I had had a level and a drill, we could have put those against…I would have had to anchor that…level it, and then anchor it. Yeah, that was what the shims were for for when we were anchoring it to the wall. Yeah, so, to make sure it’s flush against the wall.

 

But yeah, we could…we’ll put the mattress down there. You’re laughing 'cause, yeah, probably this will be the state of the bed for six months, maybe. It’ll be a mattress on the floor, but it’ll be on a frame on a floor, and then this…what could be one day a wall-bed. Yeah, like six months…maybe six months it’ll take me to get the emotional…what do you call that? Momentum to finish this. But we’ve started it, so thank you. I wish we had had…I wish there was a shim…a bar where we could go out and use this shim material. But yeah, this bed looks good. At one point…so, let me just show you. It’ll lift in there, and then on the bottom of the bed, I assume, will be something like a faux something. So, then it’ll just look like a strange…well, like a giant armoire. Then you could say, well…and then you say, well, is that an armoire?

 

It’s a world with a lion and all those wonderful creatures and adventure? No, it’s my…that’s where I put my shims, though, but…to keep it flush with the wall. So, thanks, and…yeah, I think I’m gonna…let’s…want to take a nap? Yeah, plutonic nap time. Yeah, let’s lie down here. Yeah, this is a great mattress. Casper Mattress, believe it or not. It’s pretty nice. Close your eyes and we’ll drift in. Feel that? It’s the perfect spring here as you drift off and I drift off, too, to dreamland. Goodnight.

 

[END OF RECORDING]

(Transcribed by Leah Hervoly)