Episode 1348 – Holodeck Haircut | Get Besos in the Sky PI Episode 8
[START OF RECORDING]
SCOOTER: Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s time for a podcaster coming to you from the front…in Star Trek they say the final frontier, right? But this is a episode of Sleep With Me. They say, no, no, no, there’s no such…there’s something beyond the final…another front…the…I don't have the vocabulary to describe what I’m talking about or…how come I never answered that when I got…? As a lad I got in a lot of trouble, and sometimes when people would ask me to explain myself, I’m sure they would have thought I was…they called me…they called it a…smart aleck was one of the terms they used. That was a nice term.
But I said, I don't have…if they said, explain yourself, I say, well, I just don’t have the vocabulary…I don't have the vocabulary, the emotional wherewithal, or the self-awareness to explain myself. I’d say, I don't understand, either. I think that would be the truth. I do have the vocabulary to say that. I wish I would have said that. I think maybe I did every once in a while. I said, I don't know. I guess that’s all I said. Instead of saying, yeah, I don't understand it either, sister, or authority figure. But I don't understand this podcast, either, and that’s a good thing, and you may be new and not understand what I’m talking about. You say, well, you clearly do have a limited vocabulary or vocabulary access. I have limited access to my limited vocabulary.
I don't know if that sounds like something that would…is in that song about a modern major general. So, at least I have brief interludes of Gilbert and Sullivan in there, maybe, or whomever. But where was I? Oh, welcome to Sleep With Me if you're new. This is a podcast. It’s a sleep podcast. It’s been around for over…2013, now it’s 2025. We’ve been making shows consistently that time, but it’s a different show. Even though we’ve been doing it a long time, it’s very different. I’m here to keep you company and take your mind off of stuff so you could fall asleep, just to be your friend in the deep, dark night and to ease your discomfort by distraction that you don’t have to engage with, like just a silly friend that’s on-call to talk to you.
So, that’s a different thing. So, I’m really glad you're here. I hope I can help you fall asleep. Alls I can tell you is give this show a few tries. It takes a while to kinda passively listen to something, 'cause I’m not trying to convince you to fall asleep. I’m here to keep you company. So, it does take some getting used to, so just see how it goes if you're new. I’m really glad you're here, and I’ve been there, so I really hope I can help you fall asleep, and here’s the thing; I’ll even refer you to other podcasts later on in case you can't…this show doesn't work for you. So, just see how it goes. That’s all I ask. I just want to tell you, coming up…so, we got support; that’s how listening…paying for the show is optional.
Then separate from the support after that is a long, meandering intro that’s meant to ease you into bedtime and that a lot of listeners enjoy, but you could listen to just the story-only versions of Sleep With Me if you prefer something without an intro. But that’s where we get to talk about stuff and kinda hang out while you're getting ready for bed kinda thing. Like, you call somebody and you say, hey…you're catching up with them but you're barely…you say, I’m getting ready for bed. I’m only kinda…go ahead, tell me about your theory about whatever again. So, yeah, I’m glad you're here. Oh, then we have a intro, then later on a story, our episodically modular series. You could listen to it in any order. So, that’s it. I’m glad you're here. I really hope I can help you fall asleep. A lot of work goes into the show, believe it or not, and this is how we're able to do this work for you and be here on a regular basis.
INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the light, and press Play. Turn out the lights, I usually say. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake.
That could be thoughts on your mind about the past, the present, thinking thoughts, things you're thinking about, so thoughts…thoughts, it could be feelings, anything coming up for you emotionally, physical sensations, changes in time, temperature, routine, you could be going through something, you could be in the middle of something, you could be getting over something. Whatever it is, I’m here to keep you company and take your mind off of it so you could fall asleep. The only reason I kinda run through some of the stuff that might be keeping you awake is so you get a sense…well, one, why would you trust me? I mean, why wouldn't you be skeptical or doubtful when you first get here, right? Because I’m just a guy talking to you about nothing.
So, I don't know, the reason I run through the stuff that might be keeping you awake is that…one, the reason that…the way I found my way to making the show is 'cause I was somebody that always struggled falling asleep because of all the things I kinda ran through. But I’ve also been making the show for a while and I’ve heard from a lot of people that listen about what’s keeping them awake, and there is something in-between the words that we share. It’s like a understanding, it’s a feeling, it’s a sense, it’s a connection, and it’s…I don't know, it’s something that…when you're in the middle of it, though, it’s not a shared thing. When you're…or for me; I can't speak for you, right?
When I’m alone and I can't fall asleep, even when I’m around other people or whatever, like I’m sharing a house or sharing a room or whatever, when I can't sleep, it feels like I’m the only one and I’m on my own, and each hour that goes by feels more and more like that. But the good news I’m here to tell you is that you're not alone, right? It feels that way for me for sure, but I’ve learned that there’s other people out there that really understand what that feels like, and that makes me feel less alone, and that’s one of the messages I try to get across with this show, is that there’s other people out there that get how you feel at bedtime or thinking about bedtime or in the middle of the night with whatever it is that’s keeping you awake or…and sometimes it’s like, I don't even know what it is, for me.
So, when I say I’m glad you're here, that’s what I mean. I’m glad you're here. I really hope this show can help you out, because I’ve been there and tons of other people have. Some of those people right now…even though they're in bed, even though they're getting comfortable, they're kinda holding a safe, welcoming place for you that’s kinda no pressure. No pressure to fall asleep with the show. No pressure to like me or the podcast. Just come on in and check it out and see. They say, man, I hope you like this spot. You don’t have to, but you could come by and check it out and see what you think.
Because for the people this show works for, what happens is they listen to it two or three times and then they say, oh, wait a second, I never knew I was looking for something so strange and indirect and silly but somewhat engaging but not interesting, not quite boring, but boring is the best way to describe it. I’ve been look…I didn’t know I was looking for something like this my whole life. So, this show works for who it works for. So, I hope it works for you, because you deserve a bedtime where you could get the rest you need so your life is more manageable, so that you don’t have to struggle tomorrow, that you could be a little bit better tomorrow, and that you don’t have to dread bedtime.
If this show helps, even if it doesn't make you look forward to bedtime, maybe it makes it a little bit more tolerable, right? ‘Cause you say, well, at least I got that podcast to listen to. So, that’s my goal. Now, the thing is, I have a website set up, sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou, and that has other sleep podcasts and sleepy stuff on there. So, if you check the show out for a little while and you say, this just doesn't work for me or, eh, you aren't really my style, I say, perfect, check out this…these other shows. Maybe one of them will help you, because you still…everything I’ve said is still true whether you like me or the show or not, right? So, there’s that. What else? What I do is I send my voice across the deep, dark night.
I use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, and superfluous tangents. So, I go off topic, I get mixed up, I forget what I was talking about, then I double back. I say, wait, what was I talking about? Yeah. So, it’s a very different show, right? When you get here, like I said, of course you're gonna be skeptical because you've had trouble sleeping or you're going through something that’s making it hard to sleep, and then you tried to find something that worked, and most stuff just doesn't work, right? Especially the stuff that costs a lot of money; it seems to work a couple times. You just want to get some sleep, right, the rest you need. So…and then somebody says, hey, have you heard this podcast? It’s a dude talking about nothing. Or, oh, there’s all these other sleep podcasts out there. What about this one?
This is the one my friend said about. Or, oh…you just searched for it and found it. Whatever it is. You say, now you're…what, what, what? That’s a pretty normal reaction to this podcast. Alls I can say is, yeah, this show does take some getting used to because, one, it’s a podcast you don’t really listen to, and that idea is kinda hard to adjust to, right, that you're just kinda barely listening, that it’s like elevated background noise like a TV on in the other room. So, that takes some getting used to, that it’s like, oh, I’m just gonna kinda pay attention to you and you're just gonna talk like a friend? Oh, okay, like what I’m so used to during the day, the old social compact that I have to pay attention…yeah, with this show, you don’t…you could just…you could barely…don’t pay me any mind, as my nana says.
There he goes again. Don’t pay him any mind. So, that takes some getting used to 'cause it’s not…it’s counterintuitive. This is also a sleep podcast that’s been around before sleep podcasts were a thing, but it’s…the secret is this show isn't here to put you to sleep. There is no pressure to fall asleep with this show. I’m gonna be here over an hour so you don’t have to think about, huh, when’s the podcast gonna end or whatever. But moreso, this show’s here to be a distraction, to take your mind off of stuff so that you could fall asleep at some point, like when you don’t even realize it. But if you can't sleep at all, I’m here to the very end whether…if you can't sleep, you need a break during the day, because there’s people listening in that position.
So, yeah. I’m here to be your bore-friend, your bore-bae, your bore-sib, your neigh-bore, your bore-bud, your bore-bestie, your boreman, your bores, your Borbie, your Borlaf, your bore-sib, bore-cuz, bore-bruh, your best bore-friend forever, just to keep you company. So, there’s that part. So, just see how it goes. That’s the relationship that takes some getting used to. Yeah, so…yeah, I’m gonna be here for over an hour to keep you company. The only other thing to tell you is the structure of the show. Podcasts…the great thing about podcasts or podcast apps…and that you can kinda build playlists and adjust your podcasts and kinda customize them how you like them. So, I’m just gonna tell you why we structure the show the way we do, and then you can kind of adjust it from there if you need to after you listen a few times.
So, if this is your first few times listening, just kinda listen to it as it rolls out. The show starts off with a greeting to let you be seen and welcomed in and say, oh, okay, I could check that show out. I don't exactly know what he’s talking about, but it sounds…I don't know. So, there…that’s the greeting, then there’s support so paying for the show is optional. Most people prefer to listen to an ad-supported version they don’t pay for, and they like to listen to it linearly. If that’s not you, that’s okay, too. I’ll tell you how to adjust it. But that’s why we can benefit the most people we can, and that’s just most people’s preferred method of listening, but not everybody’s, and that’s fine, too. So, there’s support, then there’s a long, meandering intro which is totally separate from the support.
It has nothing to do with the support and it’s a fifteen to twenty-minute introduction to the show which, yes, could take two or three minutes in a regular daytime podcast, 'cause the intro follows a familiar structure every time and every intro is different but meandering. The reason every intro’s different is I just believe that variety is one of the things that works about this podcast, consistency and variety, a familiarity, a familiar structure, but there’s something different every time. That’s maybe what makes it distracting, because whatever is trying to keep us awake, I want to keep it distracted. I want to keep that part of you entertained or distract you from that part of you. Not a competition, whatever I’m distracting from. I love you, whatever I’m needing to distract.
So, I don't know, that’s why the intros are always new instead of repeating one intro over and over again or me just saying a few things. But the reason the intro’s fifteen to twenty minutes long is to ease you into bedtime versus something quick, because getting eased into bedtime whether you're getting ready for bed, you're in bed getting comfortable, you're doing some sort of chill wind down, having a wind-down routine is what’s been shown to work, what’s worked for me in particular, and what I think works about this podcast for a lot of people, is having a intro to kinda quiet things down, and then later on we’ll have a bedtime story to put you to sleep. So, if you're…but if you're looking for something without intros that’s ad-supported, we have Bedtime Stories from Sleep With Me in all podcast apps.
If you're looking for something to listen to all night or something more specific, you can get that on Sleep With Me+, or you want something without ads. Or you could set a sleep timer. So, kinda at first, just try this on, right? Sample it out or whatever. It’s not very good sample-sized. Sleep podcasts are more…way too many words, right? But yeah, so then we have the support…the intro, support, then our bedtime story. Tonight will be a episodically modular series about RW and Richard Warren. Oh, Richard Warren is RW. James Cash. So, yeah, that’s it. I’m really glad you're here and I really hope I can help you fall asleep or introduce you to something that can or that I can make your night a little bit nicer whether you're awake or asleep.
I just want to help out with something that I know what it feels like, and it doesn't feel good, right? So, that’s it. I really am honored that you would trust me or that you keep coming back, if you're a regular listener, to this show, that it can be a part of your life and it can help you out, 'cause it’s important to me and all the other people that work really hard on the show. So…and we do it together, which is cool. So, thank you for listening and being a part of this, and I really hope I can help you fall asleep. Here’s a couple ways that we're specifically able to be here for you to do it. Thanks.
Alright everybody, Scoots here. This is our episodically modular series, Get Besos, kinda like get kisses, but it’s not about getting kisses. It’s about helping…it’s about…oh, what’s a episodically modular series? That’s what I’m really here to say. Episodically modular means you can listen to these episodes in any order, but they do have a touch of seriality; recurring characters, themes, stuff like that. This is scheduled to be Episode 8. But so, you could listen to Episodes 1 through 7 in any order, just like if you watched the space movies with Rey first, and then you said, oh, I want to watch the first six movies now.
You could do that with Episode 1 through 7 of Besos or you could listen to them in any order later, or you could just sleep…you could just drift off and get comfortable with this episode and then go through…and then sleep through or relax through a continuity listen later on. Probably be best if you loosely hold the definition of continuity, too, 'cause oh boy, is that a key thing of…we're very…the plasticity of continuity is something I like to just make up right now on the spot about Sleep With Me, but it’s kinda true. Yeah, our…so…but this tells the tale of Richard Warren and James Cash, their friend Jiff, who they're looking for, to get Jiff and help him out. Richard Warren and James Cash live in a post-earthly existence. I don't know if that’s on TikTok or anything, post-earthly life, you know, but…or anywhere.
Probably not, but if it is, it’d be…oh, boy. But yeah, they live a post-earthly existence. They hired a Big Farm in the Sky PI to help them, 'cause Richard Warren…they had been in limbo or purgatory, a place like that. We call it the Beige World 'cause it’s very beige. Not much to do. Think about a college dorm before the students move in, if you've ever seen one, but with a single. You say, okay, hm. That’s like the Beige World. They were there; they got bored. As they have in the past, they’ve been on other series on Sleep With Me. Richard Warren said, I want to get outta here to help people in other post-earthly existences that are stuck. James said, oh, what a great idea, buddy. They're best friends.
They said, I already sent Jiff out to…with a list of people we could help to kinda do some research, but I forgot to make a copy of the list. James said, well, what are we gonna do? ‘Cause we're not actually supposed to leave the Beige World. Richard…this is actually a positive recreation of it; he said, well, buddy, I think we could get outta here. I don't know if Jiff’s gonna…Jiff could use our assistance, probably, so we should go get him and help him find these people. For example…well, Richard Warren maybe grew up with a different type of mythology than I did, but he would say the person who…their post-earthly existence is rolling a rock and then it rolls back down the hill. He’s coming at it from a neutral or compassionate standpoint. I don't know.
He says, huh, I don't know if I would like that. So, what if we go there? He may have watched one too many movies where they…people team up and they go help somebody get away. He said, let’s go do that like in the movies. We’ll create a team; you, I, Big Farm in the Sky PI, G and DK. It never ended up working out this good, though. Then we’ll go find the person that’s rolling the rock up the hill, and then we’ll say, hey, let’s leave here. There’s another post-earthly existence. He never really thought out the whole thing of it, you know? Like even…what’s…why is a person rolling a rock, or who are they? What is their name?
‘Cause he seemed to think they had…anyway, so that’s basically our tale, though it takes…that was the intention of…that’s the summary of it, but oh boy, do we…is this show full of pointless meanders. Pointless meanders, too, and superfluous tangents. But we're also lucky enough to have our announcer from the Greater Los Angeles Area, which our hearts are still filled for even though we record these episodes months before they come out. We're sending our love there and our support and whatever else we can do, right, because this is one of the residents of the Greater Los Angeles Area, friend of sleep and people everywhere, Mr. Antonio Banderas.
Ah, thank you, Scooter. Thank you for that. I, too, send my love to all Angelinos, the Greater…some…the greater of…you know what I mean. I’m speechless. Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s time to get sleepy, to get Besos, to get kisses. Big Farm in the Sky PI. Yeah. Thank you, Scooter. Thanks, Antonio. Yeah, I know it’s like…so, it’s good to see you. Thank you for being here. Yeah, this is Get Besos Big Farm in the Sky PI. Take it away.
Okay, James, where are we again? Okay, Richie, we're right by where we should be finding the Enterprise. This is…I guess it doesn't matter. I could tell you it’s Veridian III and…okay, what did you say? Is that…is that a crayon color? Veridian III would…I think Veridian…I would call it Veridian Blue. Okay, James, there’s nothing blue around here. Okay, okay, I know we're close. Now, luckily, G and DK figured out that we could kind of believe into existent…James, what do you mean? Okay, don't worry about it, but I have a tracker to find the drive, and I’m gonna…it’s just right over here. So, I think we were successful because the tracker is working even though we split up and it’s just you and me. Yeah, it’s…I think it’s right over here. Okay, James, so, do you know…should we wear gloves or something?
Or maybe you should…should you wear gloves? You're gonna dig around for it? Yeah. I think it’s…it should be…it’s in this pile here. This is one of the devices you would use on the ship. So, basically, it can interface with the drive. So, let me just see. I’ll just call it…do you understand if I ask you for a drive? I understand. Okay, do you…can you contact the drive? Contact with drive established. Okay, Richie, we found the drive. Okay, James. Find out if Moriarty wants to work for us. Okay, well, shouldn't I just double…? Isn't there a way to check in first? ‘Cause I thought we were gonna make sure that…maybe it could be a limitless existence of positive enjoyment. James, that’s just not possible. Okay, so you want me to…should I see if the drive’s functional? I mean, I guess…what do you mean?
Well, I guess make sure it’s working? Okay, just…James, why don’t you do this; why don’t you assist me and establish contact with Moriarty, and then I’ll talk to him? Okay, this is a…this is kinda like a speaker phone, so…what, are you just gonna walk around, James? Please don’t walk into any public places on speaker phone. Oh, thanks, Richie. Only if it’s…if I was doing it…it’s an important call; it’s fine. Okay, okay, so I won't…so…okay, computer, can you establish contact with the drive? I’ve established contact with the drive. Okay, can you contact…? Computer, could you recommend if it’s a good idea to contact Moriarty directly through you? I cannot comment on that. Okay, computer, could you conceivably contact Moriarty if I asked you to? Security protocol initiated. Cannot contact directly.
Okay, Richie, it looks like it’s…oh, James, come on, keep going. Okay, computer, what do I need to get through the security protocol? As a member of Starfleet, you should be able to answer a few simple questions. Okay. Richie, it’s…only a member of Starfleet can unlock the drive. Okay, James, pretend you're a member of Starfleet. Computer, can James pretend he’s a member of Starfleet? Um, what is your name? My name’s James Cash. Okay, James Cash, you're not a member of Enterprise, so I…or Starfleet, so I can't allow you access to the drive. Okay, James, this is…computer, this is Richie. Hello, Richie. Could…if…computer, are you on our side? I’m working for you, yes. So, computer, could we…you work with us and not for the drive? I can. Okay, so, how would we…how can we get into the drive if we're…?
We do work for Starfleet’s best interests, if you catch my drift. I think I understand. A believable presentation of Star…a member of Starfleet could be…could suffice to unlock the drive. Okay, computer, this is James Cash Penny. So, a believable member…yeah, the drive actually just used his voice recognition…pattern recognition is the simplest way I could define it for you to determine the truthfulness, so you'd have to believe you're a member of Starfleet. Okay, any other parameters I should be aware of? Oh, thank you for using the term parameters. Only one person can establish contact with the contents of the drive, so if…whoever wants to talk to Moriarty should be the one to pass protocols. Okay, did you hear that, Richie? So, you have to be a member of Starfleet.
No, James, I have to believe I’m a member of Starfleet. Okay, James, watch this. This is Richard, Richard Warren, admiral. I hereby command you to open the drive. That did not pass protocol. Okay. Computer, I order you to proceed and open the drive. Establish contact with Moriarty. Cannot pass protocol. You're not a crew member of…or a member of Starfleet. Okay, computer, can you just listen in to our conversation and maybe redirect me if…? So, Richie, I think this is a method-acting type thing. Correct. The drive is trying to determine the essence of a member of Starfleet. Okay, so, it’s just like the other stuff we’ve been dealing with. All you have to do is believe you're a member of Starfleet or believe in the member of Starfleet within you.
Computer, if he captures the essence, should that be enough to pass the voice thing? Well, we could find out. Okay, so, we just gotta…so, Richie, remember, we did watch TNG, right? So, you're familiar with TNG. So, you'll just have to…we could just do a couple run-throughs and…I think you could do this. You just have to capture the essence of one of the crew members of the Enterprise. That’s the show we're most familiar with, anyway. Do you have anybody in mind? Well, I have people not in mind, James. Okay, why don’t you tell me…? Well, not Picard, 'cause I’m not a know-it-all, you know? So, no on Picard, no on Riker, no…I’m not smarmy, you know? Okay. I’m not…there’s too many know-it-alls on there, James.
Okay, so, let me see if I can guess the other know-it-alls; Geordie, Dr. Crusher, Wesley Crusher…well, yeah, you could use…I guess you could…James, I’m not comfortable inhabiting the essence of someone so judgemental. Okay, you were…you're talking about Star Trek: The Next Generation, right? James, come on, we were watching the same show. Okay, what about Tasha Yar? No. Counsellor Troi? No. Okay, yeah, I think it’s better if you don’t elaborate on the reason why. O’Brien? James, I mean, come on. I mean, no. Okay, what about Pulaski? No, no, definitely not. She was only in one season, James. Okay, maybe Q? Q’s…James, I’m a human being. I can't be a non-human. Okay, so that means Guinan, Mot the barber’s out, Hugh, Data’s out. Oh, what about Barclay, Reginald Barclay?
Oh, what about him, James? Well, could you pretend to be him? You would just be pretending. I can tell by your face…but you wouldn't be him. You'd probably be…this would be one of those things…I guess I’m asking you to do a lot, Richie. I know. Maybe you have to only use one percent of your capabilities to identify with Barclay. Maybe you could look at it like Barclay…there’s an internal Barclay that maybe makes up one percent of one percent of you. We're pretending, right, James? Oh yeah, we're totally pretending. Yeah, he needs your help inside of you. Like, he would need your help to help him. Oh boy, James, he needed a lot of help. This whole thing is partially his…yeah, so…but he would need your help.
So, you…if you could find your internal Barclay and go and give him guidance, I think this is probably our best chance. Then you could help him, guide him, bring him to the surface, and then we should be able to pass this voice pass, I think. I got a good feeling about this. Okay, James. I’m having trouble with my…I’m having…could you…what if…James, what if you assist me by being my internal Barclay? Okay, what if I’m your…what if I’m the mirror and you're looking in the mirror at me? So, you're Barclay. James, come on, that would be so distracting. Would I have to…? I’d have to look you in the eyes and things.
Well, not exactly, but you could…then you could talk to me like you're talking to yourself, or I guess I could pretend…I won't look you in the eye too much, but you just…let’s sit down and I’ll pretend that I just got…I got in from a long day. Man, what a day. It felt like nothing went right today. Everybody’s calling me Broccoli instead of Barclay, and they don’t know what it feels like, and Geordie’s…I feel like I just…and I just need a break on the holodeck, but I know I’m not supposed to do that anymore. But it’s like how I feel on the inside. It’s really hard. Okay, James, I’m having trouble with this. It’s a little too much. Okay. Well, computer, could you…have you been paying attention? I have been observing. Okay, do you have any advice of how we could proceed with this exercise a fruitful way? I do.
The holodeck is still partially functional in this area, so we could create a holodeck simulation where you are both Barclays, and that may help with the visuals and the looking in the eyes and stuff, and you could still reflect back on one another. So, if you both close your eyes and picture yourself as Reginald Barclay…and then I will begin the simulation. Okay. James, that’s not Reginald Barclay. That’s a t-shirt. That’s not standard issue. Lieutenant Barclay, you're not in uniform. I know, I know I’m not in uniform. I’m dressed like…oh boy, I’m dressed like Murdoch. What’s a Murdoch? Don’t you remember from the A-Team? Oh yeah, James, you're right. I do remember that. Yeah, so…yeah, I’m just here on the holodeck trying to figure stuff out, and I’m…but I’m really lost.
I was feeling down about the stuff with…oh, I heard all that earlier. Here’s the thing, Murdoch; you could call me Mr. B. Okay, like for Barclay? Yeah, but I pity you, and that was what was getting in the way of my helping you. Wait a second, you're…you don’t look…okay, Mr. B. Yeah, and I think I need to help you by being Mr. B. Okay, Mr. B. So, yeah, I’m here. I’m Reg Barclay, and I need help to show you an example of how to help your internal Barclay, and then…so, then you could feel like you recognize your internal Barclay. I don't know…I guess I don't know. Okay, listen, Murdoch, I don't know what nonsense you're talking to me about, but we’ve gotta go meet the rest of our team because we’ve got work to do. Oh, okay, Mr. B. What’s the plan?
Well, faces off…there’s this guy, Riker, who thought he was the hottest stuff on the Enterprise. So, faces off showing him that…yeah, that he’s not so hot stuff. The face really is the hottest stuff in town. Our commanding officer actually made…put me in charge because he was gonna go play chess with…he was gonna go pretend to play chess with…or one of those games with Picard, but just put…he’s so funny. Can you see it right now? I can see it. It’s weird to see the holodeck version of your imagination above you in a win…a bubble. But is that…? He’s putting out…he’s just ashing cigar…and blowing cigar smoke at Captain Picard? It’s great, isn't it? It is, but…so, Mr. B, what’s your plan to help me? Okay, the first thing is you gotta start…you gotta work. I don't care what you want.
I only care about the work you do, Murdoch, Broc…Brocmoc. Okay, well, like I said, I didn’t like being called Broccoli. Yeah, Mr. B, I just want to spend all my time here on the holodeck, to be honest with you. Even this is better than being on the…it’s like every time I try to do something, I feel like I do the wrong thing, and Geordie…I know Geordie wants the best for me, but it doesn't feel like that on the inside for me. Okay, so, here’s what we're gonna do. Here’s a collection of…I want you to put on a denim vest. Okay, but that’s not…that’s not standard. Okay, it’s just…it’s a holographic vest. Come on. I mean, it’s real but it’s not real. Listen, Reg, it’s me as you. Oh, Mr. B? Okay, just keep your voice down because this is part of…it’s part of a secret protocol. Okay, thank…what do you mean?
Okay, remember…maybe you don’t remember 'cause your memory’s not so great. But we're looking in the mirror at one another, and here’s the thing; you're not real. Oh. But you are real. Oh. And I’m here to help you. Okay. Because you're…you need my help. I’m Mr. B, but I’m also you. I don't understand. Okay, no, yeah, you wouldn't understand. That’s fine, though. Alls I’m saying is it’s a secret, so don’t let on anymore that I’m Mr. B…that Mr. B and you are the same. But I’m gonna help you. We're gonna do some…we're gonna have some fun. What do you mean? Okay, Murdoch, can you…can you bring Murdoch back, though, for the time being? Okay, what do you mean? Okay, Murdoch, quit messing around and pretending you're from another TV show. This is serious business.
What we need to do is…I need you to dig a moat and then cover it with…make it look like it’s grass. But the moat’s gonna be filled with mud, and we're gonna put it across here. So, start digging, Murdoch. Okay. Actually, I have been…oh wow, you dig fast, because it’s a hologram. I was hoping you would have to work harder, but that’s fine. Okay, now…see, now we're gonna cover it up here. Okay, and then I want you to build a gazebo over here on the other side of the mud. Okay, good work, good work. Now we're gonna…on the other side…I was hoping you'd have to work harder at this, Murdoch, but I guess because the rest of our team’s occupied, we're using this…I can now understand why you like this thing so much, holodeck. Okay, what’s next, Mr. B?
Okay, so…okay, next to the gazebo we're gonna put up chairs and we're gonna put up a sign that says…see that? Surprise wedding. Okay. Okay, and then…okay, and then there’s some music playing. That’s holographic music, by the way. Now, here’s the hard part. Just, I want you to remember this, Murdoch; this is a surprise wedding that Reg Barclay was not invited to. Oh, that’s disappointing. Yeah, it’s a private affair even though it’s taking place on the Enterprise holodeck. Okay. But here’s the other great thing; you're only allowed to wear…you have to come to the wedding in all white. Okay, so, we're gonna come over here behind this bush behind the gazebo. So, who’s getting married? That’s the best part. No one on the Enterprise knows. They all know they were invited to a surprise wedding.
Some of them even think it’s their wedding. Mr. B, what does this have to do with anything? It’s a part of a plan. If you could just trust me as part of me helping you…okay. So…oh, there’s everybody from the Enterprise showing up. They're dressed all in white on the other side of the room coming to the wedding. Okay, right, and then that waiter there, maitre d' or whatever, is gonna tell them all to wait. Oh, ‘til everybody’s there. A couple people are running late. Riker’s not on time. Okay. Apparently Tasha Yar is here, and Data. So, they were running a little behind schedule, but now they're there. They're just still buttoning up and stuff. Okay. Okay, so…okay, now we're gonna count down, and then…now that everyone’s there, the maitre d' is gonna release everyone for their seating, and they're already confused.
But everybody thinks they're someone…everybody thinks that someone in the group is keeping a secret from them. Look at the looks on their faces. They look so happy. Yeah, they do. They look like they're about to be surprised by either someone they really love or care about getting married, or maybe even surprised at marrying someone they love and care about, or that someone they love and care about has surprised them with a wedding of someone they love and care about. So, it’s kinda like some sort of positive surprise. It was, James, 'cause…watch. Oh no, they all just fell in the mud together. Right; they're…oh, wait a second, they're all laughing. Yeah, they're laughing 'cause they were surprised again and they don’t know who did it, and the mud’s kinda…I think the mud’s warm and comfortable.
Okay, this is…this…okay, oh boy. So, our plan didn’t work. So, let’s…oh, wait a second, what’s that over there? That’s Reg Barclay just behind the bushes away from…on another hilltop, alone. James, you're not allowed…I’m only the one in charge of this. I’m not doing…that looks just like me. Well, I’m not doing it. That’s fine. That’s…yeah, that’s Reg Barclay up there, sitting. He’s just sitting there, though. He’s not doing anything. Oh, he’s probably just thinking about something. Maybe he’s like us, disappointed about the laughter, and maybe he’s thinking about that…I gotta tell him it wasn’t…I did not invite…oh, Richie…I mean, Mr. B, it looks like he’s tearing up a little. Oh yeah, he is. Huh. Let’s go tell him…just follow me, Murdoch. Hey, Reg. It’s…I’m Mr. B.
I just wanted you to know that that wedding…he’s walking away from us, James. It’s Murdoch. Okay, he just walked away through that door, out of the holodeck. Well, that’s not…I think that’s a holograph…I mean…Mr. B, what’s a holodeck? Murdoch, quit it with your talk. We’ve gotta have our plan come together. I think that’s a different…maybe that’s the same person. Okay, listen, Murdoch; I was here to help you. I don't know…it’s just strange that he walked off down that hallway. Maybe we could just use him to get on the thing. Maybe that’s why he’s there. What do you mean, Mr. B? Okay, well, I seem to be able to control this simulation just by thinking about stuff, right? Don't worry, I have control over what I think about. So, everything I’m doing has purpose, just like when I was Mr. B as part of the team of As.
Okay, Mr. B. So, maybe part of my brain just created that Barclay so that we could talk to him and just say, hey, unlock this for us, 'cause that would work because everything here…you know what I mean? This is a holodeck, but it’s…you know what I’m saying. I think I do know what you're saying. Okay. So, should we follow him? I guess we should, because he was walking slowly enough that if we walk quickly…oh, there he is again. He’s just standing there thinking and breathing, almost like he was waiting for us. This is a long hall, though. Let me try…excuse me, Reg. It’s me, Mr. B. I just wanted to…can you hear me? Okay, he’s going down the hallway to the left. Okay, so, what are you gonna do when you get to him, Mr. B? Well, I’ll try…make sure he understood that.
He wasn’t invited to that thing, so he wouldn't fall in the mud. Okay, 'cause…but that was just…you just wanted everybody to fall in the mud, right, from the Enterprise, that you felt like it was…I mean, that you feel superior to. Yeah, it was a failed lesson. I guess we could try to redo it. I’ll make the mud colder and less tickly, and then maybe…and maybe make it rain or something so that everybody’s less full of joy. Okay, but…well, I guess if you're gonna misuse the holodeck, this is probably the best-case scenario for me. What are you talking about? I’m just saying I’m glad you're just focused on…never mind. I just don’t want to put any ideas in your head. It’s just me, Murdoch, Mr. B, talking nonsense. I told you, Murdoch, that…oh wait, there’s Mot the barber. He’s in the barber shop.
Let’s…I don't see where Barclay went. Oh, hey, Mot, it’s me, Mr. B. Oh, hello, Mr. B. It’s me, Mot the barber. You sound different, Mot. It’s been some time, Mr. B. Yeah, it has been. Well, yeah…yeah. Have we met before? I’m here to serve all members of the starship Enterprise, Mr. B. That’s right, that’s right. I’m a member of Starfleet here, and we're just supposed to talk to Reg Barclay. You've seen him about? Yeah, Mr. Barclay said he had to go down that hall and he had to run some tests. He said if anybody came looking for him to just tell them to go down that hall. There would be some feelings of pulsation, he said. I don't know, I don't…he seemed very…he seemed distraught. Oh, he was. You know what happened? I don't know if you heard about it. There was a wedding. A wedding here on the Enterprise?
Well, it was a surprise-fake wedding. On…? Oh, that’s why…yeah, a few people came by to have their hair done. Yeah, but it wasn’t real. It was some sort of party in the mud, but Reg wasn’t invited. Oh, that’s too bad. I would think…I don't know who…who would do such a thing unless there was a limited number of attendees? Oh, it was more because Reg is…it was people…yeah, it was people that…anyway, so, he couldn't…I think that’s what he was distraught about. So, you said he’s down that hall? He is down the hall. He said…but yeah, he said, go through the pulsing. You may feel some discomfort, he said. He said that to you, huh? Yeah, and he said…but he said it’ll be fine. That’s where I’ll be. He said, I need some time to…I’m just gonna wait ‘til somebody who understands me comes by and helps me.
Well, he’s in the right place. You know, we're not just any Enterprise members, Mot. We're members of the team of the A. Okay, it’s nice to see you again. So, I’m glad you brought this to my attention, Mot. I guess that’s all we need you…Mot, I have a question, though. Are you…do you like swimming? I’m not sure I understand the question. I just wonder…you remind me of a fish I once met. I’m sorry, are you having humor at my expense, Mr. B? No, no, no, I’m not. It’s not humorous at all. I mean, it wasn’t humorous for the fish, but I did put it back. So, don't worry, it’s no…I’m not…I’m a non…I mean, I just only eat synthafood anyway, no fish at all. I’m not a fish, Mr. B. Well, I know that, Mot. I was just making…I was just…I’m sorry. I was mistaken in…hey, Mot, it’s me. Well, it’s…I’m Murdoch.
I don't know if I’ve met you before. Hello, Mr. Murdoch. Oh yeah, I guess maybe…sorry about Mr. B. He didn’t mean anything by the fish comment. Can you tell me more? So, that sounds very specific, what Reg said. Yeah, Lieutenant Barclay said…yeah, he said, go down that…he’ll be down that hall and he’ll just be down there…he didn’t say anything specific. He was kinda…it was kinda general. Like, generally he said he’s gonna go down through that hallway through the buzzing stuff, and then he’s gonna be waiting. Yeah, waiting for somebody that understands him. I thought it was just more of a general thing. I don't think he…I mean, he may…if there was anybody on this ship that understood him, that would be great, but I don't know…do you think he was speaking in…specifically of anyone?
Yeah, he was probably talking about us. So, you said there’s gonna be some buzzing? But did you say something about it…? I didn’t say anything about it. Reg just said, just go through it, even if it feels strange. Oh boy, I don't know about…James could go first, though, right? I would assume that would be fine. He’s just waiting for someone that understands him. It sounds like he could use some help. I know Reg is — like a lot of us — complicated. Right. So, I guess James, you could go…how…? We’ll just space it out. James, if you just go through the buzzing then bring Reg back to me…but I’ll stand. Will I hear it first, or…? James will just walk in front of me and let me know. Yeah, I don't know. I just know what Mr. Barclay…Lieutenant Barclay said. Okay, great. Thanks, Mot. Hey, Mot, one more thing.
Before we go, do you think you could give Mr. B his signature haircut? It sounds like you're getting…heading off to…yeah, James, I don't need a haircut right now. What are you doing? You’ve gotta go through…you're just trying to buy time? No, I mean, the thing is I’m having trouble with this simulation because when I look at you, you don’t have the signature Mr. B haircut. You know, and just…I just think Mot could give you the signature haircut. No, no, no, James, that’s…'cause I don't even know…would it just be a simulation? Well, I’ll tell you what. Mot, you could do something…you could do…you know his iconic style, of course, so maybe you could just sculpt it and not cut it. Like, how would you do his iconic look? What would you do?
Well, I’m familiar with a lot of iconic looks as a barber for many known…just, some reason, I’m…well, you could just do a basic version of it. It’s fine. Just go ahead. Richie, trust me, this is gonna help, and I’ll definitely go first. Okay, sculpting only, though, Mot. No cutting. I mean, except…you could give my beard a trim, but that’s unrelated. Okay, well, why don’t I trim your beard first? I’ll tell you what; I’ll bring my stuff and you go…why don’t you go with Mr. Barclay, Lieutenant Barclay. I’m sorry, I keep calling him both. And I’ll bring…I’ll do all of the sculpting. I’ll bring my…sometimes I go to people’s cabins and cut their hair and style their hair. Okay, Mot, this…but this is Murdoch; can you just tell me…can you just give me an idea of how you're gonna shape it before? ‘Cause I just want to make sure, like Richie says.
I’m gonna…in the iconic style I’ll be doing it. I may just have to go over here to this…and access my pad real quick. Okay, computer, this is James Cash. Stop simulation. What are you doing, James? What are you doing? Computer, delete Mot the barber. No, no, James, that’s not nice. No, no, Richie, trust me. Pausing simulation. Deleting simulation of Mot the barber. Computer, can you establish a firewall between us and the drive? Computer, can you establish a new security wall between us and the Moriarty drive? Establishing a new security wall between you and the Moriarty drive. Richie, man, that’s so good you figured that out. Yes, James, it is good I figured that out. Tell me, when I figured that out, what was your favorite part about it? Well, when…whenever you figured out that that wasn’t really Barclay.
Well, yeah, but…yeah. I mean, 'cause it’s just like…this is just a holodeck, yeah. So, it wasn’t really Barclay. Then I couldn't figure out if you somehow lured Moriarty into Mot or you just…or Mot was Moriarty and you just figured it out. ‘Cause obviously he was leading us into some sort of surprise that we wouldn't want to be in. Right; he was…that Mot was gonna surprise us with a haircut, James, and probably we would…he would have charged us for it. You're right, I didn’t even think about…well, I did realize that inflation in the future…not that we would have paid him, but he could have asked for quite a sum. You should never go to a barber shop unless you plan on paying for a haircut…I think is the phrase you probably realized I knew.
Right, but that Mot was Moriarty…and then once you kind of brought that to light, that he would have led us…I think he would have led us into the drive or…I’m not exactly sure what was happening, whether he…the drive is…he’s so powerful he was connecting with the holodeck…computer, is the holodeck real or is it related to the drive? The drive had somehow established contact with the remnants of the holodeck. Okay, that’s cut off now with the…? Yes, it’s…the drive is contained within itself. There’s nothing being broadcast outside the drive. Okay, so, he’s just been waiting here for somebody to come that he could have set him loose or whatever, and use the holodeck to kinda lead them wherever he was leading them.
Man, Richie, I’m so lucky to be with you. I just wonder why he needed…why he wanted someone…maybe he had…anybody would have had to become a member of Starfleet to open the drive or if he was listening to us. Right. James, what a complicated plan, to just charge someone for a haircut, too. Maybe Moriarty thinks that only people from Starfleet have hair. Man, what a…you know, I think that was him who made those fish comments. I was just trying to be nice to Mr. Mot. Well, I think…yeah, probably he really did need…yeah, I guess he really needed a member of Starfleet to unlock the drive. Oh yeah, because they would have credits on the ship, so then it would be easier for him to charge them 'cause they wouldn't even think about it, unlike us. Okay, so, we really dodged that one, Richie.
We should…now the drive’s contained. Computer, is the drive safe to transport? It will be. I suggest deleting the holodeck…the entire holodeck before we leave. Okay, whoa, wait a second. We almost had a trillion-dollar haircut, James. Okay, yeah, I guess so. You think that’s how much it would have been? Well, Mot has his prices up here, so I think we could pick whatever price we want at this point. So, we’ll just put…let’s see, that’s a hundred credits. Okay, a hundred credits equals…and if we just adjust the prices for…I’ll put in adjusted for inflation 2020…okay, 250…we’ll just say $250 billion. You're just gonna write that in there? Well, I’m gonna write it on the mirror and then put a arrow. Plus 20% gratuity, 'cause you know he’ll try to stiff him, you know? No, 25…you're right, James; 25% gratuity.
$250 billion plus 25% gratuity…we’ll say 10% non-Starfleet processing fees. Computer, can you make this possible through the holodeck to actually charge this for real, a real transfer from anybody who comes to this…? Not James or I, though. Richie, I don't know what you're doing. James, this is gonna be the most expensive haircut Jiff’s ever gonna get. It’s gonna cost him everything. I don't…you knew I was working it all out. I didn’t need…this is what I really needed Moriarty for. It was I that was working this the whole time. Okay. $250 billion haircut? Yes, James. It’s in the future, okay? I realize the timelines are strange, but it’s in the future. Jiff will come here. This is exactly what we needed, because Jiff needs…then Jiff will have nothing, and this is exactly how to help him.
Just like we were supposed to help Barclay in the imaginary world, we're gonna help Jiff…we're supposed to get Jiff, right? If Jiff spends all his money on a haircut on the Enterprise’s…on a holodeck, Enterprise deck, we’ll have gotten Jiff and then he’ll need us to help him. Then I can reform Jiff as kinda like an assistant to a friend, as I tried to in the past. Okay, computer, can you save this program with Mot’s assistant who’s not…? Keep Moriarty out of this, computer. Okay. Okay, save this program with this proper…the financial part like I told you. Do you understand, computer? Understand. So, we won't be deleting the holodeck. No. Can you save this on the drive…another part of that drive or something? We’ll take it with us. Can we do that? Yes, we can do that.
Okay, so, save it as…this will be called…the program is called Super Secret Funny Stuff About Jiff. Don’t Allow Jiff to Open. Hold on, computer, I’m just saying that for the file name, though. Jiff’s the only one allowed to open it, Jiff Besos, you know? Okay, back to the file. Also Has Super Secret Embarrassing Pictures of James and…could you save it as that? Saving program, Super Secret Funny Stuff About Jiff. Don’t Allow Jiff to Open. Also Has Really Funny Secret Stuff…Pictures of James. I’m laughing. Okay, and then…yeah, if Jiff…will only open it for Jiff Besos, and we’ll run that simulation in the future, computer. Good work. Thank you. Alright, James. Well, man…I mean, we still gotta get Besos, but I think we're closer thanks to…you did good today, James, though. You were a good Murdoch.
I was a great Mr. B. I pitied many foolish actions…remember when everybody fell in the mud? I do, Richie. Okay, let’s lie down here because we gotta take a break, and the frog…remember when the guy from the show…from the team of As; he went…the guy, he was better looking than Riker. You remember that? Yeah, I remember seeing it in a thought bubble above your head. It was just so funny. Riker’s like, who’s this guy? He’s talking to everybody. Is he talking to Troi? Everybody on the ship’s like, who’s this guy? He’s so dreamy. He’s beardless but dreamy. Yeah, that was great. Then…I forgot his name, but he was with Picard and then he put his cigar ashes…oh, James, I’m gonna sleep so good.
Yeah, I’ll sleep good, too, knowing…I guess the other thing is maybe you didn’t see, but you…the computer did manage to form your hair into a sculpted Mr. B-like cut. So, I’m gonna dream of that all night. You kinda look like…it looks more like you're pretending to be some sort of duck. Oh, James, I’m gonna…oh, yeah. When he was there on the holodeck and Riker’s like, who’s this guy…? Oh, such good dreams. Goodnight, James. Goodnight, Richie. Goodnight, everybody.
[END OF RECORDING]
(Transcription performed by LeahTranscribes)
