997 – Library Island | Tales of Lady Witchbeard Ep 5
Sleeping in a silo on Library Island curled up with a bunch good books.
- PBR (Pirate-Based Realm)
- Furrowed Brow
- Profusion of Confusion, an 80s hair metal album
- Sam Goodie
- Anthony Quinn
Notable Talking Points:
- My Cuppeth Spilleth Over with Confusion
- Could a goat eat the map off of Daw’s hand?
- More of a repository than an academic library
Episode 997 – Library Island | Tales of Lady Witchbeard Ep 5
[START OF RECORDING]
SCOOTER: Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s time to set sail, patron peeps, with Lady Witchbeard. What else can I say but thanks for the support?
INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you could do or need to do or if you would like to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether that’s thoughts you’re thinking about, thoughts on your mind, it could be changes in time, temperature, routine. Could be something else, something baffling or situational, or you maybe work second, third shift. Whatever it is, I’m gonna be here to take your mind off of stuff and keep you company so that you could fall asleep.
The way I’m gonna do that is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones. If you’ve ever been soothed by the opening of a creaky door, then you’re in the right place. If you haven’t, you might still be in the right place. Creaky, dulcet tones just describes my voice which is…it’s a very human voice. Some would say yeah, it’s just…it’s not perfect, it’s not polished, but it’s here for you to take your mind off of stuff and put you to sleep. Creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents. Did I say that already? Repetitive thoughts, repetitive words, confusion. Oh my gosh, it’s been a while since I said…if I had a band in the 80s, a hair band, I guess the name of the band would be Profusion of Confusion, but that would have been our storied album.
I don’t know what we’d be called. I’m sure the listeners will give me a lot of feedback on this, but they say oh boy, that was the album that really is…other than their…The Untitled One which was the title of their album; they thought it was snarky calling it The Untitled One. But it was Profusion of Confusion that confused their fans because before that, they were a classical guitar trio and not a glam rock…I don’t know, because…and they didn’t know either, but that was the time. The Zeitgeist was that we were all in a profusion of confusion. I mean, correct. Say well, that’s pretty much the state of being a human being. So, that album went on to sell zero copies ‘cause it actually was never on sale because it was all in Scooter’s imagination.
Most people wouldn’t even know the difference…they wouldn’t know Sam Goody if they met Sam Goody. They’d say, what are you…is that a brand of candy they give out on Halloween? I’d say, I don’t know. I’m not even sure who Sam Goody is, either. Then people might say weren’t you introducing a sleep podcast or did I just tune into a narrative music documentary that’s…say oh boy, Profusion of Confusion; it was something we could never forget but we’ll forget it soon, because it’s…we’re actually…oh, so if you’re new, welcome. That was a superfluous tangent and combined with a…whatever that…pointless meander. So, if you’re new, I want you to know a few things. I’m glad you’re here. This podcast does take a few times to get used to, so give it a few tries if you can.
So, if you’re skeptical or doubtful or unsure right now, that’s a really normal way to come to the show. For most listeners, that’s what they say; at first I didn’t like you, and that’s okay. It’s totally understandable. So, let me give you some more information, and I’m not even gonna try to put you at ease. I’m just gonna try to give you some more information so eventually two or three listens from now, it’ll be like oh, now I get it. He was serious; profusion of confusion abounds. He doesn’t actually know what words mean. He just knows how to say them. So, here’s the most important thing, is you getting the sleep you deserve and need. That’s the most important part about this show. It’s why I make the show. You deserve a good night’s sleep.
You deserve a bedtime that you don’t dread, that you feel neutral about or look forward to. You deserve something to ease you into bedtime and keep you company while you drift off. That is very important to me because I believe…no, no, I don’t believe; I know that if you get the rest you need and deserve, your life’s gonna be better and my world, our world is gonna be a better place. You know what’s underrated? Well, I guess not. You know what’s actually…microscopic change is under…I guess it’s not underrated. If it was under a microscope, it would be under a microscope. Microscopic change; not underrated because I can’t be sure if I’m…if this is a pun or it’s just a fact. But it’s important whether it’s rated or not.
Microscopic change…one person’s life being better and the world being better is true. So, no, it’s really important to me, and I’ve also been there. I know how it feels in the deep, dark night, tossing, turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep. It’s important to me too because I know how…yeah, dreading bedtime is not something that feels good, or the frustration or the loneliness. I’ve experienced that and more. So, that’s why I make this show. A couple things that are hard to get used to is one, this is a podcast you don’t really listen to. You just kinda barely pay attention to it, so that takes some getting used to, is oh, I’m just kind of…it’s not background noise but it’s not something I really listen to, either. It’s a podcast that never gets started but is always going.
When he was saying profusion of confusion, he wasn’t using it in a metaphorical way. He was saying…he was using it as…in a descriptive way. So, okay, that takes a while to get used to. This podcast doesn’t put you to sleep. The reason the episodes are over an hour is I’m here to keep you company whether you’re awake or asleep. If you can’t sleep, I’ll be here. But that’s kinda what works about the show; I’ll be here whether you’re listening or not so that you don’t have to…I’m here to the end so you don’t have to listen to me. You don’t have to listen to me, and I’ll be here ‘til the end. You could queue up episode after episode after episode ‘cause my job is to take your mind off of stuff, to be your bore-friend, your bore-bae, your bore-cuz, your bore-sib, your bore-bestie, your bore-bruh if you’re in one of great surfing regions of the world. I’m here.
I’m here to keep you company so you can drift off. I’m here to take your mind off of stuff so you don’t have to pay attention to me. So, those are two things that take getting used to. A sleep podcast that doesn’t put you to sleep; you just wake up at some point tomorrow, and also, you don’t listen to me. So, that’s one thing. The other thing that throws people off is the structure of the show. The structure’s very intentional but it takes some getting used to. The show starts off with a greeting so you feel welcome and seen; friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Then there’s support…listener support, like support for you, support for our communities, then there’s support for the show via Patreon and our sponsors. Then there’s the intro, and the intro is separate from that.
Sometimes people that have strong feelings, they think the intro and the business are the same thing, but the intro is a show within a show. We’re probably already ten minutes into it, where I try to efficiently describe the podcast and then I get distracted. Or my own profusion of confusion, it starts to spill…My Cupeth Spilleth Over With Confusion. That was the first track on there. That was confusing, and that was also one of the pictures on the back. No one understood it because it didn’t make any sense. That’s kinda this podcast. That’s what the intro…the intro kinda has a mix of that but also me telling you about the podcast and what it is.
But for regular listeners, it has a familiar feel that’s different every time and that is really, in my opinion, the most important about…part about the show; it feels familiar so you can get comfortable, but it’s different every time so whatever keeps you awake at night can’t quite adjust. It says oh, well, he’s talking about profusion of confusion. He hasn’t done that in either one week or [00:10:00] 600 episodes. I wonder what he’s gonna talk about. He’ll probably get mixed up and forget what he was even talking about. So, you can’t…whatever’s keeping you awake, I feel like it constantly adjusts to keep us awake, so I constantly adjust the intros. The intro also serves as kind of like a middle point between your daytime life and you falling asleep.
It offers a little bit of dusk, audio dusk, to ease you into bedtime or to help you unwind or to be a part of your wind-down routine. So, some listeners are getting ready for bed, some are in bed getting comfortable, and a lot of listeners are doing some other activity, even if it’s just lying around. That’s an activity. A few percentage of regular listeners skip ahead to twenty or twenty-five minutes, but most people use the intro to just unwind and laugh along with me. So, it’s kinda like community time. It’s like family…it’s like a family meeting that you don’t have to pay attention to. They say, what was I talking about earlier, son? Don’t know. Great work. I’m glad you’re not barely paying attention. No, I was barely paying attention, I think. Did you say something about proposing of collusion or something? No, no.
I don’t know what I was talking about earlier. So, that’s the intro. Then there’s business between the intro and the episode because that’s what keeps the show free and coming out twice a week. That’s our goal; free twice a week. So, we thank our listeners that support our sponsors for that. Then there’s a story. Tonight it’ll be our episodically modular series Tales of Lady Witchbeard. She’s a heroine, she’s a witch, she’s a pirate, and she goes on adventures and we get to go along with her. The adventures tend to have a lot of speeches or ex…if you love exposition, if you love whatever…not world-building but talking about the world that’s been built, you’re in for a treat to fall asleep to, because that’s what our episodically…if you love speeches, if you love to be told and not shown but not told in an efficient way, you’re in for a snoozer.
So, that’s our story, and then there’s thank-yous at the end. That’s the structure of the show. That’s why I make the show. Give it a few tries. That’s what hundreds of thousands of people said; I didn’t like this podcast at first, and then I felt ambivalent towards it, and then I stopped listening to it mostly, but I was still kinda listening to it. It’s a podcast I listen…play every night and barely pay attention to it. I’m a big fan. Only took me three times to realize that. So, that’s…just give it a few tries. If you definitely don’t like me or the podcast, go to sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou. There’s other sleep podcasts and stuff there. But I’m so glad you’re here. I really appreciate your time. I work really hard, I yearn and I strive, and I really hope I can help you fall asleep. Here’s a few of the ways I’m able to do it for you free twice a week. Thanks.
Alright everybody, it’s time for our episodically modular series, Tales of Lady Witchbeard. The Tales of Lady Witchbeard; she’s a…she…Lady Witchbeard is a witch-pirate. She was a witch. She grew up in a witch world, so not our world. Our world is a world that has some witches. Her world would be a world that has mostly witches and maybe…I don’t know if they have sleep podcasters there. She’s thus far have not been able to get over to the witch world. Just like in the movies, you say oh, okay, I get it. This is a world populated by witches. So, you say okay, I can get with that. Well, but that…this story doesn’t take place in that…she said to herself, this witch world is great, but I don’t know if this is the world which I wish to live in. It seems limiting. I like being a witch, but I don’t know if I like living in a witch world.
At some point she gained access to a pirate world, similar to a witch-based world but it was a pirate-based world. Though the more I learn about it, that…the witch world probably is a factual thing. I would say…I would posit right here that this pirate-based realm that she lives in may be more a matter of perspective, because if you’re in a sea-based…this is the world of the twelve to thirteen seas, and if you’re in a sea-based world and you’re a pirate, you may go with the assumption that you’re in a pirate-based world. But you may just be too pirate-centric because you say well, there’s so much sea and so much piracy, where the witch world was mostly a world populated by witches; witch-based economy, all that stuff. I don’t know, that’s just my two cents. Not super important though, either.
So, she’s in the pirate realm, Lady Witchbeard. She’s a very successful pirate. Then she meets someone very similar to Scooter who’s talking now. Her life of piracy…she met him when she was on R&R from her pirate adventures. She got sidetracked because he took her on a bit of a adventure, then she had to take another adventure to get him ‘cause he got separated into pieces and scattered across the universe, which I think has happened in every…that happens a lot in Sleep With Me Season 2s, I think. But this happened in a time we weren’t following her. Then she re-gathered Scooter. She needed another set of R&R…or Daw is her sidekick. Then she needed more R&R, then Daw got her into another adventure, but that happened to be in her pirate realm, the world of the twelve seas.
But her piracy…her Pirate Guild clearance or something…or her license to piracy or her membership as a full pirate in the guild had been…she had lost her certification or something, so she was supposed to be returned as an apprentice pirate to this pirate called Don Dankle. So, she worked with Don…so, Don Dankle and Daw and Lady Witchbeard, they were trying to find someone named Brandy. Then they were working with Don Dankle. They found Brandy, then Don Dankle said now you’re my apprentice, so then they went and they tried to go get…Lady Witchbeard’s still trying to figure out…something to do with Brandy and the man who loved the sea. Then they tried to go catch some gold. They realized that people were not mining gold anymore; they were mining some sort of root, a bit like a cassava root.
That’s not really good for pirates to get because it takes up so much…it doesn’t have a lot of mass, so it doesn’t really fit on a ship, a profitable amount of it. Then they tried to go check in on the guild to see what’s going on. The guild was closed. Can’t remember…there’s some other information, but Daw had a magical map and at some point they said we gotta go to Library Island to find out more. Oh boy, Library Island. Take a look; it’s where you could find a book in the twelve seas. It’s Library Island. So, that’s exciting. That’s where they’re headed next, is Library Island, I think. That’s where our story may open or may…that was their…where they were supposed to be going after the last episode. So, I think that’s it. This is Tales of Lady Witchbeard. This is our Hollywood announcer, Mr. Antonio Banderas. Thank you, Scooter. Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s time to set sail for another tale of Lady Witchbeard. Whoosh. Yeah. Thanks, thanks, Antonio. That’s Antonio Bare…Banderas; sorry, and this is Tales of Lady Witchbeard.
Don Dankle, could you ask Daw where we are and how we got here, please? Oh, Lady Witchbeard, I could answer your question. Lady Witchbeard, oh, I can’t see you but I could hear your voice. Let me know if you could hear my voice, Lady Witchbeard. I didn’t hear your answer. Are you muffled? We’re surrounded by books, mostly hardcover books, Lady Witchbeard. Don Dankle, could you let Daw know that I can hear his voice and could you talk…could…Don Dankle, please. Yes, [00:20:00] Lady Witchbeard. Daw, before you start talking, Lady Witchbeard’s wondering…a few questions, and I…I’m now the intermediary, I believe is what it’s called, Daw. So, I’m in a tough position here. This is a new role for me and I hadn’t talked to you about it, and I don’t really have time to get into it now.
It’s a role I’ve accepted and embraced, but this is part of the process, I believe. This is part of my process of learning; I’m talking and thinking at the same time, Daw, but I think as we figure stuff out…also…so, I don’t think…I can’t see you but I think we all know that we’re in a…why don’t you tell us where we are and how we got here please, Daw? We’re in a book…a tube full of books or a…I mean, huh. I don’t know if either one of you have silos. I’ve actually never been inside a silo, and I don’t even know what was in silos. Was it grain…grain elevator. I don’t know, but usually when you drive around and you see farms in my world…huh, interesting. I’d love to…I’d like to say see silo, but you would see silos especially when you were on a Sunday drive. I was always under the assumption that the silos were used full of something.
This is like a silo which would be a cylinder. Yep, I thought of that one all on my own, Lady Witchbeard and Don Dankle. But we were somewhere in a large cylinder, part of…oh, where are we? We’re on Library Island. We’re in the great hallowed halls of the Great Library on Library Island. Within Library Island I’m not exactly sure where we are, like floor-wise or even layout-wise. I think we’re near the middle, but currently I’m kind of on my side. I’m almost in the fetal position which is great. Below me, I can hear Lady Witchbeard and Don Dankle’s voices, and…but mostly books. I can’t really see anything other than books. There is some light; the nice thing about books is that light is coming through and then above me are books.
There is one…a couple books that are poking me because of the edges of the books, but otherwise I think the interesting thing that I’m surprised about…maybe there’s not that many books, but I…yeah. So, we’re in a cylinder of books, Don Dankle? Okay Daw, thank you. I’m not exactly…oh, Don Dankle, I do have a question; why is Lady Witchbeard only talking to you? I mean, I can almost…I don’t want to make an assume out of me and you and her, but why is she talking…why does she…why are you an intermediary? Could you ask Lady Witchbeard that? Thanks, Daw. I’d probably prefer if Lady Witchbeard…I think Lady Witchbeard’s still on a line of inquiry, so I’m not gonna assume the next question.
I think we’ll probably learn through Lady Witchbeard’s line of inquiry how…so, Lady Witchbeard, do you have anymore questions for me to ask? Don Dankle, I do; could you ask Daw how we got here? If we were in a cylinder of books surrounded by books, how did we get here? Thank you, Lady Witchbeard. Daw? I mean, how did we…part of me wants to answer that in a broader question, but I don’t want to do that ‘cause I don’t want to have any snark. Technically, I kind of shoved you and Don Dankle to hurry you and then I dove behind you and curled up as I dove. I think the librarian…wasn’t that the librarian? Or maybe you didn’t see that. Through a chute which was a book chute, I had seen…I had always wanted to do this; not in a book chute, but in a movie usually there’ll be a laundry chute.
So, we dove to get away, so…but are you…Don Dankle, do you mean something more specific than that? Yeah, Daw. Can you start with…don’t start at the beginning in a snarky way, but…Lady Witchbeard, do you have another…do you have a further line of inquiry for Daw? Yeah; what actions did Daw take that had us end up in here, and how did we get here? So Daw, why don’t you start with…we got to Library Island. Lady Witchbeard and I are seeming to think that some things happened before we got to Library Island that you didn’t tell us about, and then something…so, could you take it from there, Daw? Sure.
I’m just wondering though, before I answer your questions, Don Dankle, from Lady Witchbeard, Lady Witchbeard, shouldn’t we be trying to figure…shouldn’t we…oh, okay, I guess you’re right; this is…I remember when you said this is part of Lady Witchbeard’s process. So, I should just answer my questions. You’re right, Don Dankle. It’s almost like I could feel both of you looking at me even though I can’t see either one of you. Okay, and I don’t know if…how much you know all this, Don Dankle, but it seems like information should be freely flowing. So, there was a magical map, right? That was the map that led us here. It was stuck to my hand by a…some sort of magical force. You know all that, right, Don Dankle? Yes, Daw. Keep going. So, the magical map is what led us to Library Island in search of answers.
I think we all can agree upon that. Keep going. At some point before you saw the magic…maybe…I don’t remember when this happened. At some point, you and Lady Witchbeard were doing something and some pirates came. I did show them the magical map, so I think that’s answering one of your questions, but I can even…Lady Witchbeard, is that you moving around or is that your…are you tapping at a book or something? Don Dankle, can you ask germ if he showed the map to anyone else? Yeah, yeah, Don Dankle. So, I did…you don’t have to…we’ll just…I can help you with your…so, I showed it to the pirates, then I showed it to Don Dankle, then Lady Witchbeard and I examined the map as well. We set sail for Library Island in search of what…things we were looking for. But Don Dankle, I can almost feel you, too.
But anyway, apparently those pirates also set sail separately from us for Library Island. I guess because they left before us and also because I got my leg caught in that bush and then I got the map stuck and that took a while to get me unstuck, that they probably had a bit of a head start. So, they arrived at Library Island before us. Lady Witchbeard seems to wonder if I’m gonna tell the truth, which I will, that yes, I did also show the map to Brandy, who apparently was on a…some sort of wanted notice or something or some sort of Pirate Guild update or something, which I guess I’m not privileged to know anything about, and some sort of secret pirate stuff that I guess is…but I knew that…yeah, I knew a little bit about it. So, yes, Lady Witchbeard, I probably shouldn’t have shown it to her because I should have…but it was just, I had a weak moment.
She said hey Daw, what’s stuck to your hand? [00:30:00] I said, a magical map. Then she said oh, a magical map to where? I said well, why would…why…and then I said why does it have to be a map to somewhere? It’s a map of places. She said huh, oh well. Well…and then eventually, yeah, I showed her the map. Yes, I did. Apparently now…at the time we didn’t know this, but apparently Lady Witchbeard saw…or I mean, I’m sorry, Lady Witchbeard. Don Dankle, did you hear that? I got Lady Witchbeard and Brandy mixed up. I can hear you moving around, Lady Witchbeard. Is that your leg kicking or something at a book? But yeah, apparently Brandy saw something on the map that Brandy was looking for and she wanted. So, does that answer all…I think that’s…does that clear everything up so we can get moving here?
Don Dankle, can you let Daw know that we’re stuck in a tube of books, one. Two, I still don’t have a full grasp of everything we’re dealing with, so no, we’re not…we haven’t concluded our line of inquiry. By the way, Don Dankle, very good job. You’re helping maintain the modicum of patience I have left. Actually, Don Dankle, I think you could take it. I don’t even think I need to guide you through this. Okay, thanks, Lady Witchbeard. Yeah, Don Dankle, germ, just so you know…sorry, Daw; it slipped out. Okay Daw, so, you showed the map to Brandy. You showed it to some pirates. We got to the island. Now, we arrived at the island. I didn’t see another ship, but apparently there was one. Then when we were gonna…we had some things…we were gonna try to collect anything, and then some of the goats got loose.
Now, you and Brandy said you were gonna chase the goats that I believe both of you let loose as soon as the gangplank went down. You both exited the ship chasing after goats, and I guess my question would be…it’s not important at this point, but was that…did you plan that together or was it an accident? Then what happened after that, because this kind of is the most important part, Daw, because I know what happened to Lady Witchbeard and I and the crew after that. But we didn’t see you again until just recently. So, you were chasing…so, you were with the goats near the gangplank. Yeah, that was part of the thing with Brandy and the map; she said I wonder if a goat would try to eat the map off your hand. Then I said well, we kinda need it.
That was kind of…and then she said oh, the goats probably want to be walked. At some point…I mean, I like the goats. I was a goat once. I don’t know if you knew that, Don Dankle. I was never a goat lord, but I was…I spent a lot of time as a goat, not that that’s super important other than I would like goats either way. But Brandy said why don’t you take the goats for a walk? She said here, hold all these goat leashes. I didn’t realize that the leash…the goat…there was no such thing, so she kind of fooled me. Then the gangplank went down and all the goats ran off. Brandy went off. I think she said she was chasing the golden goat or something. I don’t remember. I spent a few minutes in…I’ll be honest, Don Dankle, I was panicking because I was afraid I would get a stern talking-to from either you or Lady Witchbeard.
I didn’t really think anything of Brandy running off until now. I didn’t anticipate that the pirates would have been there, so yeah, those are my bad. Number One, Number Two. But so, I chased the goats for a little while but then I realized oh, they just wanted to get some…also…oh, just so you know, a goat won’t eat a magical map off my hand. But when I chased the goats, there’s all this…there was all that grass leading up to the entrance to the library, and I don’t want to get too off-topic, but I worked in…I’ve…I volunteered at the Anthony Quinn Public Library helping out in their summer program among other things. That was as…because I was so inspired by the Mundy Branch summer librarians and from Reading Rainbow and LeVar Burton that that was kind of me partially repaying a debt of gratitude.
So, I’m familiar with libraries. I was interested to see the library and I can hear Lady Witchbeard intaking of breath and I can almost feel a fervent brow or something, or a furrowing of a fervent brow. But yeah, then I said huh, I wonder if they had…I’m not gonna make a…I said, I wonder if they have any spellbooks in this library. Now, it turns out they don’t categorize things in the library the same way we do, or I did, not that I was good at that anyway. But I’m good at finding books. So, I started looking for a spellbook, figuring that Lady Witchbeard would raise her voice at some point and I could hear it and I would come, but it turns out the…it’s a Great Library, so that’s kind of not just a title; it’s pretty large. So, I did not hear any of the commotion you’re referring to, so could I ask you to summarize what happened?
Because…then I came upon you later. So, this is Don Dankle, Daw; so, you came upon us later and we were under the guard of pirates and Brandy, and they were trying to figure out where you were and if you were really playing a fool or not a fool and if they should just let you wander around pointlessly. That’s what Brandy said; like a goat. But she said that she may need that magical map, so they were…she was debating with our crew who had now been conscripted by this other crew that Brandy was now kind of…had taken over. Now, as far as I know, Brandy’s…I think we can safely say that unfortunately…that the guild’s system is no longer in use because those pirates joined up with Brandy based on some promises we did not hear, so I’m just making an assumption there.
But yeah, so, we were caught by them very quickly and surrounded. Our crew, somewhat understandably, saw that the tables were turned, and some of them stayed with us and took a visit to the great fifteenth sea, as we say. But a lot of them joined up with this other group now led by Brandy. They were also searching for stuff, but they wanted to take care of Lady Witchbeard and I and you and get the magic map. I guess that was part of it, was that they couldn’t quite find what they were looking for. Oh, that’s great information, Don Dankle. Yes. So, was there a question in there? No question, Daw. Just, what…so, what happened after? So, where were you and what happened while that was happening to us?
Okay, I assume you just want the summary and not all the details of me trying to find books and then figuring out at least where…I mean, it was really interesting. I’m pretty proud of it but I did find a spellbook, and…but I don’t know if Lady Witchbeard would…I guess apparently Lady Witchbeard wouldn’t be proud of me because it was actually…’cause I said oh, well, if I was a spellbook, a really good one, I probably wouldn’t even be in the main stacks; I’d be in somewhere locked up [00:40:00] if it was a spellbook that actually worked. That’s where I got the spellbook, anyway. I guess that’s a side trip that’s not important.
At some point I was also able…I’m pretty good at sneaking and there’s so many stacks and books and stuff that I was able to kinda catch up and realized that…and I actually thought of this one on my own too, that Brandy would probably be looking for the map because she didn’t look at it long enough to…’cause I…it always kept re-scrolling even though it’s on my palm. It was really hard for me to hold open for her to read it and she was kinda getting irritated. Then the goats kept kissing me or nuzzling me, and then I would giggle and then the map would close. So, I knew she would need to see the map again. I knew that I had this spellbook and that the map was magic. Based on all of the movies I’ve consumed, I said okay, there’s a possibility here I could…I might not even need my own magic.
Also, I don’t think…I don’t know if you…it was…this is a very specific…it’s a library…it’s a spellbook for librarians. So, yeah, basically I try…I tried to make a fake map; that’s one. Then I was…so, I wanted to rescue you and Lady Witchbeard. I guess that’s…so, I wanted to use a spell from the spellbook. I found a pretty good one; it had pictures. Holy cow, the pictures’ pretty accurate, too. It was in the back. It was like, in times of great ignorance, you could summon the book beast, they called it. I said ooh, wow, I could summon the book beast. I just heard somebody else groan. Did anybody else hear that? Anyway, so, I said okay, if I can summon the book beast, then the book beast…that would…I could rescue you and Lady Witchbeard.
I figured I’d do that while I was trying to show a fake map to Brandy and that the book beast would come and then go after…you know, because it said in the book, basically the book beast…it’s a beast made of books and it will take people and then put them through rote learning for a long, long, long time once it catches them. Now, what it didn’t quite explain in the spell…oh, I guess it probably did; I just didn’t read the whole thing…was that well, one, I would be distracted, so the fake map didn’t work. Okay, so answer to that question; the fake map did not work. While I was reading from the spellbook casting the spell…or I think, or summoning the book beast, Brandy was able to…I mean, I was holding out my hand kind of ‘cause I thought…I don’t know. I got mixed up, okay?
So, I summoned the book beast while Brandy was reading the map off my hand. So, Brandy actually was able to use the map. Now, a little wrinkle that probably is gonna cause some other shifting in Lady Witchbeard’s position, it did take the magic…Brandy I think and the pirates read the map, then it used the map…before the magic got used up from the map, ‘cause it did say you need one magical item. That was the magical item I had. So, then the book beast got summoned, but I guess ‘cause it took me so long because I had to…it took me a couple times to get through the incantation or whatever, and then it took a little while for the book beast to get put together. You saw all this, though. You were all…that yeah, I mean, I guess you saw that part.
You probably didn’t see the part…that first part, but then the book beast was formulated. They had already run off, and then while the book beast was getting its sea legs or whatever, I untied both of you and the librarian. Then we started to run. The book beast was chasing us. I had seen already the book chutes when I was wandering around and I had opened it and I looked…I put my head in there and I said…this was when I was on a lower floor, though. Or maybe it was a upper floor. Huh. That’s a good question. But I put my head in there; I said hello, hello, hello. I even did throw some books in there. It ends up that the…so, is that all…does that answer everything? I think so, other than the fact you realize the book…I can still hear the book beast pacing around.
Lady Witchbeard, any further line of inquiry? Yes, Don Dankle, and…if you can inquire to Daw as well. So, I know where we are. What is the…did Daw see anything else about…how many floors have this book drop thing? What purpose does it serve and where in the building are we? Because I memorized…I know where we…well, no. Now we need to figure out where Brandy went. So, we have to get…so, we have to figure out what this book tube is and where in the building we are, and then we have to get out. So, Daw, do you…did you see…do you know what this book tube is? Did you read the signs, I hope? That’s a great question, Lady Witchbeard and Don Dankle. I think it said…hm. I mean, it was this big thing, like bigger than I would have imagined, obviously, ‘cause we could all jump in.
I started thinking about all the movies and even a couple people I knew had these in their houses, I think, or maybe it was just in movies for laundry. They used to call them laundry chutes. I mean, this one’s a little bit different, so I don’t know. Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, this is the librarian speaking. I’ve been…just been waking back up. You did hear me groan when I heard that you summoned the book beast, and I didn’t even know that book was hidden. It’s been a legend for thousands and thousands of years, both the book of librarian spells and the book beast. I didn’t think either one of those was real because that door says Do Not Open Ever. But to answer your questions, we are in the book disposal tube.
These are for books that are no longer readable that have been replicated, and so, they’re for books that…yeah, they’re non-readable books. I don’t want to use any work jargon. Books you cannot read or use except maybe to hold up a table or something but even then, that’s…we’re not supposed to do that. So, this is a book disposal tube I guess, to use very…okay, this is Lady Witchbeard, librarian. I can hear you; you’re close. So, did you get in here when…were you…you were running with Daw? Yes, yes. Well, I was captured with you, remember? Sorry, I’m just a little frustrated, librarian. Plus…so, you could tell us a little bit about this book disposal? How many levels is it? Where does it go, and what else do we need to know? Well, it goes to the boilers.
So, this is how the entire…the heating system for the great library, and it’s…we have a steam-powered…we have different steam-powered devices and radiators and hot water, even. Have you ever taken a…I don’t know, ‘cause you’re out there on the sea. But I’d like to offer everybody a hot shower, holy cow, or a hot bath. Really something to partake in. I’m sorry, did you say these…oh yeah, you might not have noticed because we’re in the center of the books. My toes are pressed against the wall and we’re slowly moving down. [00:50:00] We’re probably…I don’t exactly have a exact feel for where we are in the building, but I have felt like it’s getting warmer. So yeah, the books…it’s just its own self-feeding system.
It really works great, as long as we’re constantly…well, it’s tough to describe how it works ‘cause I’m the only one here. It’s a bit of a magic not like in that book, but anyway. When I say we, I mean the royal we. But yeah, we’re slowly…yeah. I think you get the idea that this isn’t a great situation to be in. I don’t even have an apprentice right now. So, not a great situation to be in for me, either. Okay, so then we have to get out. Okay, could you tell me more, librarian, or could you ask Daw? So, we have books on top of us. Did the book beast push those books in or were they released, or is that important? Then, how many of these book drops that Daw jumped us through are there? What side…which direction are they? Okay, yeah, so, there was always books being copied and disposed of. I’m doing all that.
Unfortunately, it’s like one of those things where I can go super fast at times even though I can’t go super fast right now; only when I’m doing stuff on the to-do list for the library. Getting out of the book tube is not on my to-do list. I didn’t expect this to happen. I don’t know, it’s a…it’s all very technical. I only have powers…I only have technical powers, so I can’t use my powers to get outta there. But it was probably me in the past pushing the books. I don’t know, tough to explain the way time and space works. But so, not important though other than that’s kind of what’s keeping us in place. Yes, there are…every other floor…so, if you go by floor, every fourth floor there will be a north, south, east, west. It kinda spirals around.
Each floor has a book drop; it just might be on the north side of the tube, the east side of the tube, or the west side of the tube, or the south side of the tube. I feel like we’re probably six or seven floors before we get down to the sub…the…where we don’t want to be. Okay. Alright. Don Dankle, Daw, librarian, let’s see. I mean, I guess…yes. You know, one thing I noticed, Daw, was when I was…Don Dankle, when I was listening to Daw’s story was that…yeah, my leg was shifting involuntarily with irritation. I said to myself in the back of my mind, I’m wiggling here. We used to play this game when I was home when I was a child; we called it the Witch’s Wiggle. I think we can wiggle through these books towards the wall, and if we each of us can reach a wall, then one of us will reach a wall and…so, everyone start wiggling.
Huh, I don’t know which is outward. Everyone start wiggling, and you just gotta pretend you’re like a little inchworm inching along. If you get inching along, you could either inch along upwards or downwards to use the books as a way to move, and I’m already at a wall here. Lady Witchbeard, this is Don Dankle; I’m also at a wall with my feet. I was unable to do…turn around, but I was able to wiggle downwards with my feet, and I’m able to move them a little…slowly spreading them a little bit. I haven’t found a door, though. Yeah, I’m looking. Librarian, you already had one foot; could you get your…yes, Lady Witchbeard, my feet are against the wall and I’m searching, too. I think we’re moving slow enough if all of us slowly work clockwise and counterclockwise, we’ll find something. Daw, do you have anything?
Never mind, Daw, I found a…I found one. Okay. So, if everybody can…I think I was the first one in, so if everybody…I’m gonna hold on and…hm. We’re slowly go…oh, Lady Witchbeard, I feel…is that you with your feet? Yeah, that’s me, Don Dankle. You’re gonna have to…huh, I don’t know how we’re gonna do this here. I guess I’ll wiggle…okay, I’m gonna…I’m wiggling out, so you might not hear my voice for a second. Don Dankle, you keep wiggling if you can any further. Okay, I’m doing that, Lady Witch…okay. Oh, Lady Witchbeard’s got me by my feet and oh…okay, I’m wiggling, so if the two of you can hear me…oh, is that your hands, librarian? Yeah, those are my hands. That’s you, Don Dankle? Yeah.
Keep wiggling ‘cause you’re a bit above me and you’ll reach the ledge there in a second, and then Lady Witchbeard…I’m almost out now. Okay, I’ve got it here. Daw, can you hear me? Yeah, I’m right behind you. I’m really good at wiggling, librarian. I’m just a little down. You don’t have any books on cheering up a witch, do you? We don’t, Daw, but I think if we…we’ve got other things to worry about like the book beast, so…oh, I see you, Daw. Lady Witchbeard, are you gonna pull me out? No, Daw, this is Don Dankle; I’m pulling you out. Okay, you’re out, we’re all out. Let’s use a quiet voice. Lady Witchbeard, what do you think we should do next?
Well, we have to get the book beast and…so, librarian, tell me a little bit about your job and then the idea of this…the legend of the book beast, but pretty concise ‘cause it’s gonna find us, so we have to figure out a plan. ‘Cause if it catches us, it would just force us to learn forever, is my understanding. More or less, Lady Witchbeard. It was to punish…it was a myth of last resort. I thought it was always a legend. I didn’t even think…how we got these librarian powers. They’re bestowed upon us, so I don’t have…I didn’t come up with the powers or learn how to do them. The powers are just a technical part of my job and the book was always…oh, there’s…that librarians and witches and magic-users were once in other times or other worlds.
Sometimes I thought it was fiction but anyway, the…you know, if the time was to come that the librarians would be protected by a book beast and then maybe those forced to learn in rote manner would either be suffering from their own ignorance or they would evolve and become librarians themselves, keepers of knowledge. But I…even in the legends and the stories, the book beasts were not tamable and that’s why they were never used. They were a last resort. Okay. Anything else I want…so, you’re the only one that works here? That seems strange to me. There’s an entire Library Island. I understand you can move at some sort of super speed or everything else moves so slowly that you seem like you’re moving fast. Is there a reason for that?
Oh, yes, another thing was that we have a guild just like there’s a Pirate’s Guild, and it’s a professional classification system, all that. You’re familiar with it as pirates. Yeah, the head librarian is the only one…I am the only one that knows where all the books are too, so when people would come to Library Island…which has been rare because we’re more of a repository versus an academic library, but the academic library would place orders with us. That’s too complicated to explain, but…like, I know where every book is, too. So, not an incredibly efficient system. It is if…now I’m thinking about it. There’s probably someone above me pulling the strings, I guess, and saying well, if the librarians just do their jobs, just do you job. We’ll give…you get the powers when you get the job.
We get to go to Retirement Island, so…when we [01:00:00] retire, so it’s like…seems like a pretty sweet deal not worth questioning. I know where the books are. Someone says hey, I need a book on, I don’t know. Well, Brandy…they were looking for a…something with binders and this other ingredient I just never heard of. Okay, hold on, ‘cause I feel like the book beast is gonna find us pretty quick here. So, that’s great information. Thank you, librarian. Don Dankle, do you and Daw have any ideas? Could you ask Daw? I have an idea, Lady Witchbeard; Daw here. What if we…I mean, the book beast is made of paper. Oh no, no, no, the librarian…no, no, no…no, no, Daw. Well, I was just thinking it wouldn’t…even if we said hey, we got a sparkly sparkler. No, no, no, this is Library Island, Daw.
Please, you’ve done enough for all of us. Lady Witchbeard, Don Dankle here. I feel like you were saying what does the book beast want? It wants…it’s a last resort to force us rote learning, and then you asked the question about the librarian and why is the system so inefficient? I don’t know, Lady Witchbeard. I feel like you were…there’s something there. I just can’t see it. Okay, so what is it…thank you Don Dankle for helping me think things out instead of…though there’s no bad ideas. But so, the book beast wants…it’s the last resort, a bit of chaos, but it wants people to rote learn to protect the library and to punish those that would come without knowledge. We all have some degree of knowledge; differing degrees, clearly.
I just wonder if…and, I mean, I may have to use my own magic here…we just give the book beast what it wants? No, please, Lady Witchbeard, I want to stay with you and Don Dankle. No, no, Daw. Don Dankle, tell Daw that’s not what I was saying. Lady Witchbeard, this is the librarian; I’m wondering what you’re saying, though. Okay, well, you…the idea that just one librarian knows where all the books are, we’ve already seen…we’ve just been a part of a process that if we didn’t wiggle our way out, it shows the gap in the system. Again, we’re not gonna judge who came up with the system or what at this point, but that the book beast should be…if we give the book beast what it wants, it would just help in the library. Oh, okay. Go ahead, Lady Witchbeard. Yeah, that I’m gonna make…I’m gonna…you all stay here.
I’m gonna sing…I have this thing I can do where I do this whistling singing, and I think I can just make…I can just…the book beast should help you…’cause here’s the thing; in my world that I came from, we had libraries. We also had seed libraries and ingredient libraries, and all those couldn’t…we…I think we probably had spells that someone could retain that much knowledge, but they shouldn’t have had to. We had classification systems, and…oh, you could find the book in AACQPFMGLZ Nettles. Okay. So, I think you and the book beast, librarian, could…couldn’t the book beast come up with something like that, or help you? I don’t know. What is your plan? Well, I’m gonna sing a song and kind of charm the book beast with the truth. It should relax the book beast enough. So, stay here.
If I don’t come back, you’ll probably hear…you’ll probably smell some smoking. Unfortunately, Daw is right; it’s a last resort. But I’ll be back. Okay, bye, Lady Witchbeard. Sorry about…oh. Don Dankle, what do you think? Well Daw, I think we’re lucky to be working with Lady Witchbeard and…you know, I have changed positions with Lady Witchbeard voluntarily, or I guess we’ll…we don’t have a crew anymore to command, but oh, here comes Lady Witchbeard. Okay, the book beast is charm…the book beast is already researching. The book beast is gonna do some rote learning about classifications. The book beast’s name is Bernard, by the way. So, librarian, you can work with the book beast. It’ll be fine. Daw, where’s the spellbook?
That’s one, and then two, librarian, where is…we need to get to the information that they were looking for. You said it was a binder or a binding agent. What was the other thing? Yeah, the other thing was a strange ingredient I had never heard of except in one place which was this story of witches. It was a fictional story and it was a story we read as kids because it was something that was supposed to be funny that I’m kind of…feel embarrassed to say. Okay, well, go ahead, librarian. Well, it was called Newty Doo. I’m sorry, what? Newty Doo. Newty Doo? Like, newt poo, basically, I think. But that was the only place I ever heard of it, and Brandy was…and the crew, they asked me about it and I said yeah, there’s hints in this one story. I got the storybook for them.
So, they took that, but I said well, that’s not…and then they needed maps to find this certain bind…first they wanted to know…it was a lot of research, actually. I mean, I guess that was a time when Daw was lost. Oh, here, Lady Witchbeard; here’s the spellbook. The book beast got it for me. Thank you, Daw. Anyway, librarian, so, I could show you the maps. They were trying to find places in the thirteen seas that had a concentration of this binding agent. Okay, and you’ll have a explanation of what the binding agent is? Yes, yes, yes, and thank you. This is gonna be great. I’m gonna have a helper. Do you think the book beast would want to be friends with me? ‘Cause that’s the only thing about this job; it’s incredibly lonely. Listen, librarian, you’ll have to work all that out. We’ve got a lot on our plate here.
We’ve gotta catch up with Brandy, we gotta figure out where she was going, and we gotta figure out why she wants this binding agent, and what do this…witch’s tale or whatever. Maybe that’s just something she wanted to read. Lady Witchbeard, do you…are…have you ever worked with Newty Doo? No, I’ve never worked with newt excrement, germ. Thank you. It’s Daw. Actually, it’s Daw. You call me Daw, after the bird. Okay, well…so, let’s find out where Brandy went and we’ll head out after her. How does that sound, everybody? Lady Witchbeard, could we take a nap, though? Sure, Don Dankle. I’m sure there’s guest quarters here, right, librarian? Oh yeah, there totally is.
Let’s all take a rest together and get some sleep, and then we’ll…you can get caught up with Brandy and I’ll show you the areas they had researched and what was most likely that they did. Yeah, I’m gonna…Lady Witchbeard, could I hold that spellbook while we get some rest? Daw, you should just get some rest and get some sleep, and then maybe we could all do a little bit of a better job of working together tomorrow. Goodnight.
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