988 – Project Sleepy Governor | Tales of Lady Witchbeard Ep2
Episode 988 – Project Sleepy Governor | Tales of Lady Witchbeard Ep 2
[START OF RECORDING]
SCOOTER: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and friends beyond the binary, and my patron peeps; hey patrons, I don’t know if I sound any different, but I’m coming to you from a different closet, just temporarily. I’ve recorded in this closet before, but it was about…some…four months ago. I don’t know when those episodes came out either, but what do you say we slow it down and get on with the show, patrons?
INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether that’s thoughts on your mind, thoughts about the past, present, or future, thoughts, feelings, anything you…feeling physically or emotionally, or I guess feelings…yeah, feelings. You could be feeling something, or physical sensations. It could be changes in your schedule or your routine. It could be other stuff. You say, I got this other stuff going on.
Situations, parents…what do you say…parents went away for a week’s vacation. I love…anytime I think…you say, imagine…you say, what kind of Rorschach test…I said, Rorschach test? More like a Boreschach test, if you ask me. That’s probably the best pun I’ve ever come up with and it’s not even that great. But yeah, no, I say well, I associate 50% of things with R&B and hip-hop from the 90s or the late 80s. Something, something in full effect. You ready…like…but anyway, even my brain’s mixed up. It says okay, you got…are you gonna think of something witty? Nah, that’s close enough. So, whatever’s keeping you awake, I’d like to take your mind off of that and what I propose to do is create a safe place where you can set that aside.
I’m gonna smooth that safe place, I’m gonna pat it, I’m gonna rub it down, I’m gonna say safe place just like I was…I think that was the 90s. I think that song came out in the 90s. I must warn you I’m pretty, pretty, pretty boring. But okay, so, and then I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents, so I’m gonna go off-topic, I’m gonna get mixed up, I’m gonna get…go…I’ll get…then I’ll say wait a second, then I’ll use some filler words. It’s been a few intros that…since I remember glamorizing or glorifying filler words or over-using filler words. I think…I don’t know, are those…? Those are filler words, right? For me, they’re just a part of the…they say, that’s how it’s made. They say, filler words?
I’d say well, yeah, I guess they’re part…they’re…I’m not even doing that on purpose. The filler words are more…for me, they’re space words. One, they take up space while my brain’s trying to think of stuff and also, there’s…they take up all that empty space up in my mind. But whatever it is that’s keeping my…keeping you awake, I’d like to help you take your mind off of it and put you to sleep. That’s really what I meant. So, if you’re new, I’m glad you’re here. Really, I really am, and I really hope I can help, but I want you to know a few things. If you’re a regular listener, holy cow, I’m glad you’re back. I also really hope I can help you fall asleep because it’s my honor to be able to help and do so. So, there’s that part, too. So, let’s see…okay. Oh, so if you’re new; regular listeners, what up? You see I’m extra mixed up today.
That’s good, though. So, if you’re new, a few things to know. This podcast does not work for everybody. I really wish it did. Can you imagine the headline? They say Person Solves Worldwide Sleep Issues by Just Being Himself and Talking with Superfluous Filler Words. He says no, they’re…if it solved the world’s sleep problems, they wouldn’t be superfluous. They say okay, but this is just an imaginary…oh, okay. Yeah, but this podcast does not work for everybody. The only catch is that even for the people it works for, it takes two or three times to listen to realize…you say oh, I actually kinda don’t…not…some people…of course your first instinct when you’re listening to something like this is…say, what is this? Or what do you mean you’re gonna put me to sleep? How are you gonna do that?
Those are very natural responses. So, it just takes a while to get used to, so it’s kinda…I don’t know. That’s just what most reviewers say. They say the first time, I don’t think I liked the show. The second time, it got on my nerves. The third time, I fell…I don’t remember anything and I’ve been listening ever since. There are some people — and I want to give a shout-out to them — that the podcast, they connect with it right away and they either fall asleep or they say oh, okay, this is what I’m looking for, someone to talk to me in a pointless manner with some general direction to keep me company while I fall asleep, someone I really don’t have to listen to or pay attention to. This is great. That’s what I’m looking for. But not everybody…you know, it’s just something…I don’t know.
It’s something you eventually discover. Now, there’s also people, understandably, that don’t like the show or me right away and that’s totally understandable, too. I also have a list of other sleep podcasts at sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou, and those are all really good sleep podcasts too, and different styles of sleep podcasts than this one. So, you can always check those out. That’s…okay, so…oh, maybe you won’t like me, give it a few tries…and one of the reasons you gotta give it a few tries is maybe you’re skeptical or doubtful, and that’s exactly how I would be if somebody told me to listen to a sleep podcast. I’d say, what? What do you mean? What’s that guy up to? So, give it a few tries. See how it goes. That’s one. A couple other things that…if you’re new; this isn’t really a podcast you listen to.
Just like that person said, like ah, I eventually learned…you just…it’s a little bit…it’s like optional background noise. You say oh, okay, it’s background noise I could listen to if I wanted to, but I don’t have to. I say yep, that’s it. So, that’s one thing. The other thing is it doesn’t really put you to sleep, either. You say wait a second, can it get any better than this? I say well, yeah, it doesn’t really put you to sleep. I’m here to keep you company while you fall asleep. That’s why the shows are over an hour, to give you plenty of time to drift off, so you don’t…so then you say oh, I don’t have to be asleep in the next ten minutes; I could just listen to this person go on and on and on, and then eventually they’re gonna start telling me a story. I may or not be awake for it.
But there’s also…if you have something else going on and you can’t sleep, I’m gonna be here for you. I’m gonna be here to the very end to keep you company ‘cause that’s my goal, is to…I don’t know. For me, the deep, dark night can sometimes feel frustrating and lonely. That’s why I think it’s important for me to keep you company and keep talking and keep telling you a story whether you’re listening or not. I’m your bedtime companion where there’s no pressure on your end. That’s what it means to be a bore-bud, a bore-bae, a bore-sib, a bore-bestie, a bore-bruh, a bore-bor, yeah. I’m in…one day, yeah, maybe we’ll be bore-besties. You know, now, for the time being, we can be bore-buds or bore-bors. That just means a boring neighbor, I guess. So, just see how it goes. So, okay, those are two things.
The other thing that throws new listeners off — even regular listeners sometimes — is the structure of the show. The podcast is designed in a certain way, but it is also malleable by the listener. The structure is kind of a…serves a few purposes. It enables us to help the most people by having a sponsor and patron-driven podcast. We can put it out for free than behind a paywall. Then, the intro and stuff, the structure also helps people wind down and eventually fall asleep. [00:10:00] How or why do we do that? One, the show starts off with a greeting; friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, so you see…you feel seen and welcome. Then there’s listener support and support for the show via sponsors and Patreon, and that’s how we’re able to be here free for you, like I said. Then the intro starts.
The intro’s somewhere around ten to twenty minutes long. It’s separate from the sponsor stuff, and that…the intro, one, introduces the podcast to new listeners but for regular listeners, it’s different every single time. Part of that reason is I just believe that the parts of us that keep us up at night, at least for me and for a lot of listeners I’ve talked to, are very adaptable. If I did the exact same thing every intro, eventually your brain would adapt and say oh, this is the same thing. I’m just gonna keep you awake.
So, that’s why every intro is different, but also the intro is, again, ten to twenty minutes to give you ten to twenty minutes difference and distance between your day, waking life, and your sleep, to give you a chance to wind down or to get ready for bed or to start to relax if you’re doing some sort of other activity like drawing or needlepoint or knitting or hooking or stretching or just getting ready for bed; skincare, foam rolling. That’s what I do. Quiet sitting, staring at the ceiling with your legs up; I love that. I’m a ceiling-staring hobbyist. You say, what are your top hobbies? Well, kinda depends on what’s going on with me, but looking at the ceiling. I probably shouldn’t put that on any profiles that I’m…yeah. So, okay, so that’s why the intro goes on and on and on, is to help you wind down. Now, you can skip it.
2% to 3% of listeners skip the show. A few thousand people that support the show on Patreon listen to story-only episodes. Then if you listen all night, you could kinda see if the regular show works for you or our Patreon is better for you. Some people also put the show on in the middle of the night when they wake up, and there’s people that listen because they work on the second or third or fourth shifts. There’s also people that just have jobs with…that impact their sleep, or there’s people that listen during the day because they’re…you know, the podcast is here to help with loneliness and frustration and to distract you. That’s why the intro goes on and on and on. Then after the intro is business. Again, that’s just how the…those are the two spots we can have business that have been successful.
That’ll be our bedtime story. So, then it’ll be a tale of Lady Witchbeard who was…this will be her second episode but it’s episodically modular, so you can listen in any order. Let’s see, I think that’s it. I mean, I think…I’m trying to think. Oh, then…yeah, then there’s thank-yous at the end. So, that’s the structure of the show. The only other thing you really need to know is the reason I make the show is because I’ve been there tossing, turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep; I’ve had all of those. Right now I’m not at home, and it’s…even though I’m trying to follow…my routine’s not norm…the way it normally is, I’m not in my own bed, and it’s just not been easy. So, I know how it feels, and I know how it feels even when I’m at home and I’m practicing my bedtime routine.
So, that’s one of the reasons. If I can help you wherever…if you’re having trouble getting to sleep, staying asleep, waking up, whatever it is, you just feel lonely or frustrated, I want to create a situation where bedtime is not something you dread. Maybe it’s something you feel neutral about and you say okay, well, at least Scoots is gonna be there. The other thing is, you deserve a good night’s sleep. It’s really that simple. You do deserve to get some rest, and you deserve a safe place where you can wind down and if I can help with that, it really would be my pleasure. I’m of the belief that if you’re rested, our entire world is better tomorrow because your world’s better and you’re a little bit more capable and you’re able to live your life a little bit more, or just have…be less sucky. That’s great. That really gives me purpose.
It gives my life meaning because I know how it feels on the other side, so if I can help you, like I said, it would be an honor. Now, the tricky thing is, it doesn’t work for everybody. I wish it did, but give it a few tries and see how it goes. It takes a while to get used to not listening to me or be like, when is this thing gonna turn on? I’d say well, it’s…I’m more on…I’m a dim person on a dimmer switch, I guess you could say. So, I’m glad you’re here. I really hope, I really work hard, I yearn and I strive, I really hope I can help you fall asleep, and here’s a couple of ways I’m able to do it for you twice a week. Thanks so much for coming by.
Alright everybody, it’s Scoots here and it’s time for our episodically modular series…I wanted to say Journey into the Land of Tomorrow ‘cause…but it’s the Tales of Lady Witchbeard. This is a series you could listen to in any order. This happens to be the second consecutive episode we’ve released, but you can really listen to these in absolutely any order. We’re gonna catch you up. Not much has happened anyway, and maybe you even slept through it, so that’s why I do these in a episodically modular way with a touch of seriality. Again, if you say well, I want to listen to it serially, you could listen to it later on in order. I’d just try to…to say well, don’t worry about listening to it in order now.
Or if you’re a patron, you may eventually get the all-night episodes or the story-only episodes will come out even sooner; you could make a playlist and listen to it that way. That’s what a lot of patrons do. So, yeah. Yeah, without further ado…oh, well, no, I guess I have to catch you up. There is…there will be a longer catch-up in the episode as part of the episode, actually. But that’ll catch us up. But so, Tales of Lady Witchbeard is the tale of…the tales of Lady Witchbeard. She’s a witch and a pirate, and her assistant who actually — believe it or not — has…gets a new nickname in this episode, and that was…really came from the Story Swamp. I guess this is getting a little meta but it said well, I’m not sure.
She had called me by this one nickname the whole time, our whole relationship together, or the main character in the story who’s eerily similar to Scooter. But then, out of the Story Swamp, I didn’t even…I said okay, well, we’ll just make it work, the nickname. But then she just…a new nickname just came up literally on its own. I said holy mackerel, are we lucky. But enough about me. So, I’m…Lady Witchbeard has an assistant who…they had worked together. They’ve had other adventures together both in podcast world and unrecorded adventures. She was formally a witch. She was raised in a witch society in a witch world which is different than our world. Our world is…their our…you know what I mean. This is a world of infinite universes.
Yeah, we’re a world among infinite universes and her universe is a witch universe or a witch world. I think I made enough witch world jokes last time, but the world…which world? The world Lady Witchbeard’s from. Then she said well, I would prefer not to be…she said, I don’t feel…I’m not feeling it. Then she was exposed to a pirate universe and she said this is more for me. She became a pirate. Now, the…in pirate…her witch skills came in very handy. She’s the only witch-pirate we know about. So, that’s pretty cool. She lives in…she has lived in both our world and the witch world and the pirate world. Her world is known…the piracy world is known as the World that’s Roamed the Twelve Seas or Eleven Seas. I always get it mixed up.
So, I don’t know; last we encountered, she was on a R&R break at the bed and breakfast that I work at. That’s how we first met each other. We had some adventures, then I happened to be scattered across multiverses and she had to go get me. That wasn’t any…pod…that was just something that happened; not recorded or anything. She said she’d prefer not to ever think about it again. She rescued me, then she needed some more R&R. I was waiting; I said well, I gotta get…like, once you’ve had adventures with a witch-pirate, life is not the same. I was waiting. Eventually what happened was, she started getting letters from the Pirate Council or the Pirate…the Pirate’s Guild which said yadda, yadda, yadda, Lady Witchbeard, you’re no longer a [00:20:00] full-fledged pirate according to the guild rules.
You’re now supposed to be apprentice to this…we’re sending your pirate teacher or something like that. You’ve gone too long without actually…actual piracy under the guild rules. Lady Witchbeard did not like that and she said…so then she finally started talking to me. I played a song and she said this is our mission. So, we headed off. This part did not get recorded, so I’ll have to…the story will catch you up, but we went through…she had her ship and her crew and she…we…that part was really boring, too boring for a sleep podcast, going and reassembling her crew. Maybe not; maybe that’s like a prequel or something one day. But mostly boring, because her crew was waiting on-call. They’re always on-call.
So, reassembled her crew. We set sail. Yeah, that’s it. So, that’s…oh, and without further ado, it is our Hollywood announcer, Mr. Antonio Banderas. Ah, thank you, Scooter. Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s time for a journey to the twelve…the eleven seas does sound better, Scooter; you’re right. It’s time to take a journey on the eleven seas with another tale of Lady Witchbeard. Yeah, splash. Thank you. That’s Mr. Antonio Banderas. We’re gonna play some Chrononauts and I’m gonna sing chra-na-na-na-na like I’m in Sha Na Na. Thanks, Antonio Banderas, and this is Tales of Lady Witchbeard.
Okay, so, you want me to go through my…? You want me to go through my plan again? Yes, Daw. Go through your plan again. Okay. So, my…so…okay, Daw, remember, what’s the plan? What is our mission? Mission first; remember? I’ve been trying to teach you that. Okay, the mission is to get outta here? Okay, that’s a step towards our mission. Okay, our mission is to…well, we know where Brandy is, so our mission is to get back on the seas to complete the mission of finding…I don’t…I guess the mission that you were guiding us on. So, we need to return to the sea, to return to our mission to get…to find…it’s something with Brandy’s necklace and a man who loved the sea, I think. Close enough, germ. Yeah, so your plan should get us back to the…so, what is your plan?
Well, can I say that I appreciate you letting me…? I feel like really…am I your apprentice? Even though you’re technically…according to the pirates…Daw, don’t speak of that. Okay, so, my plan is…so, here’s the thing I’ve been learning from the…as I…that the governor, they can’t sleep and so, they’ve been having trouble sleeping. So then, I mean, you’ve been…I guess this is part of the process, right? Me telling you the plan even though I think you understand the plan? Keep going. Okay, so, I’ve been putting the people keeping an eye on us to sleep and now they said well, the governor…now, those are more entry-level workers but they’ve been telling me that the governor has trouble sleeping and they…first, they wanted me to teach them how to do it and I tried, but they would all fall asleep.
So, it’s been going to the higher ups. Our caretaker and the caretaker works for the governor, so eventually I’m confident that the word’s gonna reach the governor. Turns out I can’t teach anybody how to be me, which is good. It doesn’t work and the people just get frustrated eventually, after one or two nights with what I’ve taught people, which leads them to come to me. Then they say, okay. It makes them more skeptical at…this…germ, what’s the mission? Mission is to earn the governor’s trust right now, or the mini…can I call that a mini-mission? Yes. Okay, so, the mini-mission is to earn the governor’s trust. Okay germ, how did we get here? Okay, how did we get here? They took us here. They marched us here, remember? Then they put us in a wagon. Then they made us walk behind the wagon.
Like, that part? No, germ. From the…from when we were…we set forth on our mission. Okay, so when we left the bed and breakfast? Okay, you’re just looking at me, so I think that means go on. Okay, so, we headed out to explore the twelve seas which again, I know we quibble about this, but I say technically it’s a…I know they say it’s twelve seas but really, those two…there’s eleven seas according to the maps I’ve looked at, because I say well, that’s not a…those two seas are connected even…that’s a pole. That sea covers the whole pole. There’s just one island in the middle of it. But again, that could be my global view. But also, then once I thought…okay, I should go on.
So, we headed…we got to your ship, we regathered your crew, and we set forth on a mission I wasn’t expecting which was consulting maps and learning to read maps, I guess incorrectly ‘cause I still say it’s the eleven seas and navigating, which luckily you have a navigator ‘cause I said well, that’s too much math for me. Then trying to find…I guess our mission…I’m seeing you’re glaring. You know, we have the same thing on our forehead that…except yours is, I guess, green with…when the shadow, it really stands out, where…same furrow. Do you call it the Daw furrow? Okay, so, our mission at that time was to find a port…when we went to all the libraries, which that part I enjoyed, was to find a port…all the ports, a list of all the ports in the twelve seas that serve between fifty and seven hundred ships a day.
Then we narrowed that down to five…less than five hundred ships a day ‘cause there was a classification system we learned about at the third library. So, all the places that served more than seventy…you know, so all the places that served that many…between fifty and 499 ships a day. We found a list of all the…those ports and then eventually we started visiting all those ports. Then we found it was not a good use of our time to go to a library in every region to find out a list of all the pubs and inns that someone could work at in those port cities or towns, mostly cities because of the numbers of ships they would serve a day. So, then we…so, we were unsuccessful for a very long time. Also, then we kinda said…you said where could we be doing this more efficiently, Daw?
This is…it also leads to how I became Daw from my old nickname that you used to call me, so I’m still getting used to being called Daw. But you started…you said okay, well, I’m gonna use this bird spell where you enchanted magical birdseed and you turned into this beautiful raptor. You would soar above the towns, you would find the pubs, you would send out some of your crew, and you as well would go. I didn’t realize this; a lot of times you’d just go yourself because I didn’t realize that in this eleven…twelve seas that birds are held in such high esteem, particularly crows and ravens, so some…then you started changing into different…again, you said this is the difference between a crow and a raven, and I still didn’t understand it.
But so, then you started going to the pubs as a crow or a raven, and you’d get…they would treat you in high esteem. They have perches and bird food there. You still didn’t find what…who we were looking for, or the…[00:30:00] yeah, we didn’t find the place. You would ask, then you were asking around, but you had a sense anyway. But I was…I had to stay in the ship the whole time. You said…I said can I go ashore with the crew? No. Now, you kept saying Lady Witchbeard, Lady Witchbeard, Lady Witchbeard, please, please, please can I become a bird? Then I…remember when I would tell you about the Sword in the Stone and the plot of that movie, but how I didn’t want to be…it’d be fine; I’d take being a robin or whatever bird the kid in that movie got turned into, and that I probably wasn’t wise enough to be an owl but I’d be an owl, too, but that I wanted to be a bird, preferably something that could go fast and that I could do loop-de-loops.
Over the months you said no, no, no; practice your swabbing of the deck, practice your sanding, and all those things. Eventually what happened was I guess…sanding and swabbing, I wore you to a shine on me. Also, I kinda…I worked with a navigator which I know that got them some demerits but that…they said well, Lady Witchbeard, if we keep this up, it’ll only take, whatever, four centuries. If we can cover twice the ground, it’ll be…I know it wasn’t four centuries but it was a while. So, then you relented and then you let me fly around as a crow or a jackdaw which you said that’s perfect for you. You even went to a library to find the right bird for me. You said, like your jack maw’s always moving, so you could be a jackdaw.
Then you started calling me Jackdaw, Jack the Daw, but Daw stuck, which is interesting because of…DAW stands also for Digital Audio Workstation. I tried to be…of course, I broke a lot of the rules you set forth for me about being a bird, and then you started giving me less and less magical birdseed so that I could only scout, and then I had to get back to the ship. Then I found out that you actually…’cause you said I would turn from a bird into not a human. Then I realized…at another library I found out that wasn’t true. But I really kept trying to behave, and part of the reason we found what we were looking for I guess was ‘cause I figured out that part about the Western Bay and the idea that it was a bay…was a ways or whatever. I had thought…I thought it was just nonsense words.
So, that definitely cut down on the number. Once we found out Western Bay, we saw the Western Bays. Then I said okay, okay, well, fair enough. That helped save some time. I do appreciate you not telling the crew about that so they wouldn’t get more in…fed up with me. But we found the pub where she was working. Again, I don’t totally under…I mean, I guess I just say okay, let’s just go with it. I know the times in different universes are different and the time flows in this world of the…sea world differently even though it’s not all sea-based. But I found the pub. I heard them; I heard people calling. I said this is it, this is it. Holy…and I know that I was wrong five times, you said. But the sixth time was a charm in this case.
Oh, I forgot; I have not asked about merpeople anyway…again, after that other time, not that that’s off-topic. So, then after observing and triple-checking my work, Daw, I triple-checked, I flew back to the ship, and told you that…oh, wait, what about when I…don’t you think…also, I forgot to pat myself on the back, but it wasn’t just…when I messed up, I totally forgot about…a little praise for me was the fact that I…when I told you about airplane magazines, I said Lady Witchbeard, what if there…are there any airplane magazines for seafarers? You said, what’s an airplane magazine? Luckily we had plenty of time, so I was able to explain to you well, in the airplane magazines, they do have these top-ten lists that are mostly made up.
Top-ten podiatrists, top-ten tanning beds in the US, and that was what gave us…narrowed it down, the top-ten servers or wait staff in the twelve seas. It was a top-twelve list in Western Bays. Oh, it was Western Bays Magazine. That’s why. Most of them were corporate spots there, like pay to be on the list, but they always include a couple spots, and that’s how we finally got…that’s…so, but then I confirmed I was in the right place. We had the right service person. I flew back to the ship too fast to give directions but once we knew that…eventually we found it ‘cause I said well, I think it’s down this way. I wonder which way I did go. But at least we had the town or the city. Then we went there and you confirmed by the necklace that it was Brandy, the one we were looking for.
Then we were waiting to place our order and we talked to her briefly and then set up an appointment to meet her at the…after her shift. But then just…then we were sitting there and neither one of us appreciated the way the other sea people…seafarers? Is that…? They weren’t very fair of…but their talk was just like in the song. I guess you could say I was encouraging your temper by saying what jerks, and then even saying hey, that’s…this is the…then you said…so, then you lost your temper. I guess I lost it, too. You cast all those spells and you even used your cut list to cut up some cheese. That’s when the authorities came and said oh, this is not…this is…you’ve created a ruckus. So, then they escorted us to this sweet, sweet facility here.
As some way…how can it be humid and cool at the same time where we’re being kept under lock and key until the barge comes where we’ll go for a long time to work for the governor? So, that’s where we are and how we got here? Okay, yeah. So, okay, so maybe you…oh, Lady Witchbeard fell asleep while I was doing that. She likes the sleeping badges. I’m gonna…oh, yeah. So, oh, you’re awake now. Good. I’m back. I started doing…I implemented a plan, Sleepy Governor that I like to call it, Sleepy Gov’na. You’ve been resting, Lady Witchbeard, well, too. Brandy still continues to visit us knowing…since we did explain our plan to her, it kinda caught her attention, especially the stuff about the necklace and the power to upset the balance of the twelve seas and how important the mission was even though I don’t totally grasp our larger mission.
But I get a general sense of it, or I guess my…I don’t understand…I just know what we’re supposed to do which is eventually get outta…oh, anyway, back to Sleepy Gov’na. Daw and the Sleepy Governor. So, I’ve been putting the governor to sleep, Lady Witchbeard. I mean, I know you know that ‘cause you haven’t been asleep the whole time. Yeah, I mean, I’ve gotten better eats and some more blankets and a room with a window. So, that’s been going good. Then, like I said when I was talking to you when your eyes were closed…so, I’ve been progressing and that was working good, but of course alls it did was…the governor kinda likes me. [00:40:00] Then I kinda found out all the schemers that work with the governor, and then I thought I’d be kinda…set them.
I’d say oh, well…’cause they said well, we used to kinda provide the governor with different solutions to sleep. I said yeah, that’s…but that’s not…that’s like, not helping. Gives the governor headaches the next day. But I said oh, I’ll make a deal with you if you…maybe you could stay on my good side and I’ll put you on the governor’s good side. Maybe I could even teach you. They said we can’t be as boring as you, Daw. I said well, so, I don’t know. I thought…’cause I thought that was…I thought that’d be cool if I could get…put all the pawns in motion or something. But then I heard you…every day, actually, I could hear you, ‘cause I think you say it in your sleep when I’m sleeping or maybe you’re awake. I say, stick to the mission, Daw.
Mission Daw…and I say okay, governor’s trust…get outta here, get back on the sea to find…and do, do, do, or whatever. I said okay, well, we gotta get back on the sea, so we need a…we need our ship back. Eventually I said the governor is still not sleeping great, just much better than before which is still not great ‘cause…and then I say…and sometimes I would fall asleep ‘cause I say well, I can’t operate like this 24/7, even if you command it, so wouldn’t it be better if I was on your…my A game? I also was starting to lose…’cause those competitors, they said well, governor, this is clearly not…it’s only partially working. Then I said well, I had an idea that would…that was like, okay, what if my mission was…Mission Sleepy Governor and eventually keep an eye on the main mission? I said, the ship.
I said well, holy cow, everybody sleeps great on a ship most of the time, especially when it’s in port. Nothing sleeps better than a sleepy pirate off duty in port, or something. There’s a…that should be a phrase. I’m sleeping as good as a seafarer in port that’s not on duty or in duty, I guess, so that’s funny, huh? No. Okay, so, I said oh, I did the…I did what I usually…a technique I’ve perfected. Never tried it on you, Lady Witchbeard, but I said…as the governor was getting tired and I said huh, wow, it’s too bad our ship’s gone. Man, I slept so good on that ship. It’d be a perfect place to sleep ‘cause I think it was in…whatever, the yard where they keep it; impound. It was gonna be auctioned off or re-retrofitted to be part of the governor’s navy or something. The governor said, what? I said oh, well, never mind. It’s a terrible idea.
The governor said, what? I said well, haven’t you ever tried sleeping on a ship before? The governor said no, no, I don’t want to be out in the ocean. This is my home. I said oh, well, now, this is a stretch, but the governor kinda understood it because…the fact that he’s got all the stuff. I said well, you know, once upon a time I lived in a area where housing was not exactly in the range where I could own something. The governor said, go ahead. I said well, one time…and then I…the people would do these T-I-Cs or whatever. Then I explained well, what if my brother and I were to buy something together that had…whatever. He said, okay. I said, so…then I realized I’m not very good at living with other people. I said well, what if there was a place I could live…like an RV or a boat?
Because we live…I used to live on a island, believe it or not. I said, what if we were ever to be able to get a place that had a…? Turns out not the case; kept…everything kept going up. But I said I could live in a boat. I said, what if I lived in a broken-down boat at the dock? Then I could be…then I could still live in hermitude. I said, it’s…and I said it’s like having a extra bedroom. Eventually the governor understood and I said you just put it right outside your castle here, and it’s like your bedroom. I said then they take you down in one of your fancy carriages at night. That’s your wind down. I start telling you the bedtime story in the carriage, then we get you settled in the boat…the ship, particularly…then he said well, why Lady Witchbeard’s ship? I said oh, have you heard the creak? It has a certain creak to it.
Can’t be replicated, trust me. So, Lady Witchbeard, we’re gonna go to the ship…because I also said okay, this bay is a little bit…’cause then we got on there and he said where’s the creaking? I said well, you need the ropes taught, and I said you need a little bit more motion. This bay…I said, you got a breakwater here. I understand it for your, whatever, your stuff that you do. I said, we need more rocking. The governor was like well, I’m not going out in the sea or the bay. I said well, we could get some…Lady Witchbeard and her crew on here and maybe even have some magic and keep the boat rocking a little bit more. So, that’s the bad news, Lady Witchbeard, is that you and some of the crew are gonna rock the boat while…to keep the governor asleep.
But clearly you could read in-between the lines that opportunity has presented itself. So, that’s good news. Now, the only thing is, we’re not gonna be allowed off the boat, even I. Now, we’re gonna have to live on the ship. Most of the people they picked to help are not members of your crew. The navigator and whoever…whatever, the carpenter and all those crew members are still wherever they got to when the boat was impounded and they dived overboard and swam somewhere. I’m supposing you got some back-up plan. Okay, you want to rest and think about it? Okay, so, I’m gonna…oh, why don’t you sleep while they…we’re gonna travel. I’m gonna rest here. Oh, hey, Lady Witchbeard, it’s me again. Yeah, we’re in our own…you’re in your own ship’s brig, huh? What are the chances?
So, here we are. Everything’s going good; the governor’s sleeping pretty good, so I was just wondering…oh, you have a scroll for me? Okay, it’s…so, okay, go ahead, Lady Witchbeard; I’m sorry. Germ, so in the crow’s nest is a little bit of birdseed. Take the birdseed, take this scroll, bring it to the Pirate’s Guild. That’s where my crew will be waiting for me. Get them this note. It’s sealed with my seal, so they’ll know it’s from me. Do not break the seal, germ, or they won’t follow the orders. Okay. The only thing is, this is a really big…couldn’t you have written something shorter? ‘Cause I don’t know…the other times I’ve tried to carry stuff, I reach…it’s gonna be hard for me to…I’ll manage. I’ll just use two feet on it. So, go to the Pirate’s Guild and give it to the crew, germ. Don’t give it to anyone else.
Don’t let anyone else read it. It’s just for the crew only. Well, the crew is safe harbored under the Pirate’s Guild, they can’t know what my plan is, otherwise they’ll do the whole apprentice thing. Okay, so, I guess I’ll run this by the governor ‘cause if I get caught sneaking out, then they’ll probably make some big deal about stuff. So, I’ll be back; you go to sleep and I’ll be back. I’ll let you know how things go. Hey, Lady Witchbeard. So, I got the message to the Pirate’s Guild, but then when I got back, the governor’s caretaker or whatever, that know-it-all was waiting for me in the crow’s nest even though I told the governor I was just gonna go up there to try to see…to try to research the stars. Of course, they were spying on me.
So, the scroll made it to the Pirate’s Guild, and then the…[00:50:00] but we’re gonna be…the whole ship thing, then the caretaker and the two assistants, they said oh, well, why would we…they’ve been on the ship watching the whole time. They said that they could recreate the motion of the sea and the castle and the creaking, especially with the carpenter from our crew and us. Then we could just do that and then they’ll get rid of this ship because they figured why would you be on a ship with a bunch of pirates, especially a pirate-witch? Of course, I tried all the stuff about saying you can make special teas and stuff; I mean, I know that didn’t work out. Starting tonight, we’re gonna have to get off the ship and build a bed. I said well, what about the light? What about the…?
They said oh, well, we’ll make it a canopy bed. We gotta go make the governor a bed, and they probably…and they’re gonna return your ship to impound in a couple of days. So, it’s back to the land brig, I guess, for us. I’ll report back. Daw, so, you left out one part about the crew. Did the crew get the message? I got the message to the Pirate’s Guild. There was a…I had warned you. Now, you’re gonna say that it was a little bit heavy for me, and so what I did was I took breaks and I would land, and I would rest. But the one time…even when I got in the door and they said it’s Daw and they cheered and they were telling tales, I guess I landed on the bar and the bartender took the scroll. Daw, the bartender from the Pirate’s Guild? Yeah.
But then I went to the crew and they knew it was me because they said oh, it’s…it real…Za, is it really you? Then I did a dance, then I tried to do other dances and interpretive motions for them to come to the ship and sneak aboard. Now, this was before…unfortunately this was before the…I knew…they totally understood because you have taught them to repeat things back. So, it took…it did take some time, but eventually I did some stuff with my wings and some dancing, and it was a bit like a game; everybody was gathered around. So, we actually may have more crew than we even need, like new crew.
But eventually they figured it out because they…oh, okay, so Lady Witchbeard, you’re onboard…we need to sneak aboard the ship, sneak…deal with everybody watching the ship, dump everybody, and then get outta there in the cover of the night. I know they took the sails, so I even told them get some sails for the ship. So, they totally understood that. The only problem was that was before I got caught, so we’re gonna be in the castle again and they’ll probably sneak aboard, but then no one will be aboard except for the people watching. So, the good news is, Lady Witchbeard, crew’s gonna be on the ship; we just have to…I just have to figure out the mission is adjusting. I know you’re looking at me and here we are; we’re at the castle and I know they’ve been working on the boat and stuffs, or the boat bed.
I called it a boat bed. So, I’m just…I just have to kinda come up with another plan for us. Oh, also, I forgot one other thing; I also told Brandy. Well, I told the crew to get Brandy too, and bring Brandy. So, she’ll be with the crew on the ship. So, now we just gotta find a way to…oh, wait a second, we’re coming into the bedroom here. Oh, hello, hello. Oh, yeah, it’s me, Daw and Lady Witchbeard. Oh, the bed’s complete? Oh, I thought we were gonna work on the bed and then I was gonna test…oh, you already tested it out? Oh, the governor’s so soundly asleep that even though you’re talking to me and I’m talking in the same room, the canopy and the creaking of that wooden boat…the…wow, the ropes you have in here and the creaking wood…you got a lot of people creaking wood. That’s a great mechanism.
I wouldn’t have thought to kinda use a clamp and then just have people go back and forth with the wood, but what about…I like how you’re sitting on it. It looks like you’re sitting on a diving board. Oh, speaking of diving boards, you’re gonna…well, no; why don’t you keep me and Lady Witchbeard and I around in case you need us? Well, okay, I’ll tell you what; if…no, you can’t keep me without Lady Witchbeard. We’re a package deal. So, no, we don’t need to walk any planks, especially up here in the tower of the castle. That wouldn’t be a good idea. If Lady Witchbeard doesn’t…oh, then we’ll just…okay. Oh, well, what are you gonna tell the governor? What if the governor can hear me…? Oh, it’s impossible to hear? You’re probably right; between those blankets and the…that’s a lot of creaking going on.
So, you’re gonna just have us walk the plank, here. Can I ask you one question, though? With all the creaking, I’m also hearing a bell ringing. Just as a expert…somewhat of putting the governor to sleep, I think that…there’s no bell ringing? No, I definitely hear a bell ringing. Then it sounds like there’s a thunderstorm or something. You don’t hear that? What do you mean you don’t hear that? Have you stopped the creak…what if we walk down the hall here? I’m not joking because what do I have to learn? Yeah, see, if we go down the hall here, that’s…can you hear that bell? Oh, that’s not a bell; that’s your alarm. Oh, Lady Witchbeard, what are you gonna say? That’s not thunder, Daw. Those are pirates. Those are cannons firing.
Oh yeah, I noticed the whole castle’s shake…you better…yeah, you better run along. We’ll be up here in the tower, I guess. Lady Witchbeard, what do you think we…there’s a lot of rope here for the…we could run the rope out this tower, go down the tower. The crew should be at the ship by now. This really worked out. There’s some sort of…is…you think that’s our crew with the…? No, that’s another ship out there in the bay, firing on the…okay, you’re already doing the rope. Oh, I forgot; you have…okay, so you magically tied the rope together. I’ll just stay here. You climb down and I’ll climb down right behind you. The navigator and the carpenter are here still making noise, so that’s great. Okay, now we’re climbing down. Lady Witchbeard, can you hear me? ‘Cause this is great.
Alls we have to do is get to the bottom of this thing, walk down to the dock, get on our boat, meet our…there’s Brandy and the crew now. They’re sneaking to the ship, too. Wow, they have a bunch of carts full of supplies and stuff. Everybody’s occupied with the pirate…that other ship is firing on the castle. Oh boy, now that we’re closer to the dock, I notice your ship…must have been those first couple thunders were…your ship’s kinda sunk, Lady Witchbeard. That’s…oh, and there’s other…there’s people on the dock. It looks like another set of…there’s somebody with a shining plume…shining cutlass and a giant ostrich plume in their hat. You want me to…? Okay. Ahoy; I’m Daw, part of Lady Witchbeard’s crew. Oh, they’re surrounding us, Lady Witchbeard. Sorry, I didn’t hear what your name was.
Oh, it doesn’t matter? Oh, Lady Witchbeard is your apprentice. You’re here to pick up your apprentice? So, did you know I’m Lady Witchbeard’s apprentice? Okay, so we’re gonna go on your ship? Lady Witchbeard, you don’t look too happy about this. But this is…we’re going out to the sea, so that’s good. This must have been when I…the bartender must have told on us to the Pirate’s Guild who still requires you to be an apprentice pirate. Okay. Well, let’s…oh, they’re escorting us down into this ship’s brig. Okay, well, I guess let’s…Lady Witchbeard, I think if we’re rested would be the best situation for us to deal with this, but I think we’re gonna go out to sea again. So, at least we’ll be at sea. Brandy’s with us. I think they thought she was part of your crew. Your crew [01:00:00] got…some of them…I saw the nav…all the best crew members are now onboard this boat, so maybe they were also a part of this…I don’t know, Lady Witchbeard, but…oh, you’re already…well, I’m gonna close my eyes too, and gently fall asleep. Goodnight.
[END OF RECORDING]
- The Golden Age of Hip Hop
- The Sword in the Stone
Notable Talking Points:
- A Dim Person on a Dimmer Switch
- The mission is adjusting
- Out to sea, in the Brig