937 – Superb and Superfluous All Intros from Holidays 2018 721-726

937 – Superb and Superfluous All Intros from Holidays 2018 721 – 726

 

[START OF RECORDING]

 

SCOOTER:    Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and friends beyond the binary and my patron peeps, it’s time for the podcaster who’s just getting comfortable so I can make you comfortable.  It’s time for Sleep With Me.  Thanks, patrons.

 

INTRO:    [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing?  Trouble getting to sleep?  Trouble staying asleep?  Well, this is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  We do it with a bedtime story.  Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play.  I’m gonna do the rest.  What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake whether it’s thoughts bubbling up or on your mind, in your mind, around your mind.  Hey thoughts, I…do you mind?  I’m trying to get through a…thoughts, feelings, emotions you’re experiencing, physical sensations or physical sensations.  Whatever’s keeping you up, I’d like to take your mind off it.  It could be a change in schedule, travel.  Whatever it is, I’m here to help.

 

I’m here to distract you.  What I’m gonna do is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night.  I’m gonna use these lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, some pointless meanders, tangents, superfluous dialogue, description, super…you say well, that’s a little…you’re heavy on the superfluous.  I don’t know if I said this but I like my superfluous to be superb.  Superb; how many times do you say superb without putting your finger to your lips and doing that kiss thing, like the…is that an international symbol for deliciousness or just…’cause it also says okay.  It’s very similar to the okay symbol but really you’re saying mm, delightful, delicious, superb.  Okay, but I’m gonna send…creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, tangents.  If you’re new, hey, welcome.

 

Here’s a couple things right off the bat; I’m glad you’re here and I hope I can help, but all I ask is you give it a few tries.  Actually, that’s not all I ask.  That’s what most listeners say; hey, it took me a few tries.  You could read the reviews.  There’s even people that said well, I didn’t like it at first and then I gave it a few tries.  I said oh, wait a second, I don’t know if this is something you like or dislike.  It’s kinda like oh, hm.  Don’t try too hard to make sense of it ‘cause the podcast doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.  It’s pretty goofy and like I said, I don’t…did you hear how many times I…I do a lot of stuff like that.  Try to consume it loosely.  Hopefully you’re comfortable in bed or you’re sitting somewhere comfortable.  I’m smoothing and patting this safe place as I always do.

 

It more looks like I’m…if you could see me, you say Scoots, are you sure you’re not waxing the safe place?  I’d say actually, I got a new feature in this safe place, a seasonal feature ‘cause I heard…I think there’s something called waxed canvas, so I’m waxing some canvas.  Oh, wiggety-wiggety-waxing it, by the way, just in case you needed a little giggle-spritz.  It’s actually to protect you from the spritz coming in for the season.  It’s a canvas, a waxed canvas tarp that I’m waxing.  Scoots, that’s carnauba wax.  Don’t you use that on cars and not canvas?  Yeah, brain.  Thanks for telling me that after I purchased it.  This was the only wax they had at the $0.99 store.  I mean, the Super-Deluxe Safe Place Store of Excellence Where You Only Get Superb Products.

 

Actually, I’m already off-topic ‘cause I was trying to welcome the new listeners, so I’ll get back to my wiggety-wiggety-waxing later.  Okay, so, don’t try to make too much sense of this podcast.  I think I just proved that point accidentally.  I’m still waxing it, maybe doing some polishing and some rubbing it down…safe place.  But so, okay, so don’t try to make too much sense of the podcast.  If you’re new, here’s what to expect structurally; the show starts off with a few minutes of business.  Regular listeners know that that’s how we keep the show going.  When your hand hits the fridge tomorrow, just say huh, how does he keep the show going?  If you’re new, not super important.  Thanks for sticking through that.  Yeah, then there’s a intro.

 

The intros are about twelve minutes of me explaining what the podcast is kind of ineffectively or inefficiently ‘cause I’ll say well, let me…I’ll…what am I, in the middle of a podcast intro?  Let me stop and look in the…this is…excuse me, does this $0.99 store have a wax aisle?  Oh, what do I need to wax?  Great…wow.  You’re really at the top of your game.  Oh, this is an imaginary $0.99 store.  Maybe then stuff will actually be $0.99, like all-inclusive $0.99 store.  Oh, everything is definitely $0.99 at this one.  Wow, and you have a wax aisle?  No, you have…oh, ‘cause you say floor…well, I’m looking for something in a carnauba…just a beautiful word.  Is carnauba wax just for cars or do you have any of that wax…tortoise wax?  How about that?  Okay.  All $0.99; excellent, let me fill up…let me go get a cart.

 

Actually, I’m in the podcast intro; I gotta get back to you.  Sorry about that.  That’s what happens in the intros.  I try to make a metaphor for the show and the next thing you know, I’m shopping.  Sorry, I didn’t mean to bring you along here, but this…some people say this $0.99 cent store is wax…wack, but maybe they meant it’s full of wax.  Trying too hard there, Scoots.  Well, it was joke-like.  I’m not here to give jokes.  I’m here to be mildly amusing.  Oh, you have an amusements aisle.  Do you mind if I move into this $0.99 store?  Oh, as with all things in the podcast intro, it’s within my brain already.  Great.  Do me a flavor…favor, then; a flavor, too.  Do not inflate any balloons in…period.  The noise…and I don’t need any balloon-inflating going on in my…oh, yeah, it’s…my brain has a atmosphere of helium.

 

Oh, cool.  Oh, hot air and helium; great.  Okay, sorry.  So, structurally, the…where was I?  Oh, you don’t need to listen to me.  Oh, so then the show starts off with a intro.  Doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.  Then between the intro and the episode is a little business, and then is…tonight, it’ll be our recap of our serially episodic series Nuns in Space: The Stan Chronicles.  A little look back at the genesis of ideas and how it went and stuff like that.  Then at the end of the show are some thank-yous and goodnights.  That’s the structure of the show.  I think I established you don’t really need to listen.  You can listen or you can kinda passively listen or kinda view me as mild…a neutral noise.  But if you need to listen, I’m gonna be here ‘til the very end because I’ve been there and I’ve been there when I just needed something to distract me while I fell asleep.

 

I’ve been there when I couldn’t sleep and I just wanted a friend in the deep, dark night to keep me company for a few hours, and more recently I’ve just been there when I just wake up mysteriously.  Don’t even have to go and I say, oh, and I’ve needed a little bit of comfort and distraction.  So, if it’s any of those or something I’m not mentioning, I’m here to help.  Use the show…I guess my message is use the show as you wish but if you just need it, if you’re sleepless and you’re just looking for some companionship, I’ll be here goofing around for an hour.  You can queue up episode after episode if you need it.  That’s the show.  Then, yeah, then there will be a story.  That’s the structure of the show.  You don’t need to listen.  Yeah, and also I guess this kinda goes into what I was saying; no pressure to fall asleep.

 

That’s why I’ll be here about an hour.  Fall asleep as you wish.  Just slowly drift away or let me slowly drift away with my helium brain.  But that’s it.  I guess I still haven’t figured out that canvas waxing.  While I was talking I picked up another piece of canvas.  Well, actually, are old jeans canvas or is…are denim and canvas different things?  They are.  Well, maybe we could do a…what is it called?  MVP, minimum viable product.  Maybe I’ll make…use these denim jeans to prove we could use a…make these denim jeans into a canvas tarp; wax it to keep our safe place dry, or I could just buy a tarp.  You’re right.  What about a canvas…waxed canvas one?  What do they wax…is it paraffin wax or something else ‘cause you say…is…oh, candles are made from wax.

 

I was just about to ask that and then my brain said you’re kidding, right, Scoots?  Don’t ask that.  I know the answer.  How about…here’s the thing; I’m not…obviously, I’m not in the waxing [00:10:00] business or the wax sales, but you could say with essence…if it doesn’t have 100% beeswax, put a little bit in there and say ‘with essence of beeswax’.  This safe place watched over…we’ll need something else other than watched over.  That’ll be temporary.  That’s another MVP, minimum viable pronoun.  I don’t know if that’s a pronoun, though.  Watched over, stretched above our safe place, shielding it, shielding…stretched above our safe…something.  Shielding it is a good word; you’re right.  The finest sun…sun-washed — I heard that term too, recently — waxed canvas.

 

This is totally unrelated, too; if you have a bee…if you’re in the honey business or the beeswax business, just use my friend’s mom’s name, Ginny.  Ginny’s Honey.  It’s the bees’ knees.  How’s that sound?  Ginny’s Beeswax.  It’s the bees’ knees.  Or what if it was a balm?  Like a beeswax balm?  You’d say balming…this bees’…something like we’d wax…you know, I’m missing a part of it, but that’s why I make a sleep podcast, and I’m not on…working with Don Draper.  You’d say waxing the bees’ knees since 1963s.  There you go.  Wiggety-waxing the bees’ knees.  No, we don’t need that extra part, teenager brain.  Anyway, I guess the main message is I’m here to help.  The way I help is basically screwing around a little bit.  Horsing around.  Thank you, grandma brain, and to just keep you company.

 

I want to be your friend in the deep, dark night, your bore-friend, your bore-bae, your bore-cuz, your bore-sib, your bore-bud.  I’m here to help.  The way I’m gonna do it is tell you a story, take your mind off of stuff with some friendly banter.  Give it a few tries.  See if it helps.  But here’s the thing; I really appreciate you checking this show out and coming by.  I want you to know I work very hard and I strive and I yearn to help you fall asleep.  Thanks so much and here’s a few ways we keep the show going.

 

Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing?  Trouble getting to sleep?  Trouble staying asleep?  Well, welcome.  This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  We do it with a bedtime story.  Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play.  I’m gonna do the rest.  What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake whether it’s thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, things you’re thinking about, things you’re physically…coming up for you or emotionally bubbling up for you, or all of them; changes, your travel, what…seasonal stuff.  Oh, boy.  Seasonal stuffing or, you know, any of those things.  Whatever’s keeping you up, I’d like to take your mind off of that.

 

What I’m gonna do is try to create a safe place, as I said, so come on in, get comfy or cozy if you wish, but there’s not…you don’t even need to do that ‘cause what I’m gonna do…you could just take it…it’s…I do delivery ‘cause I send my voice across the deep, dark night.  I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents, extra dialogue, filler words, thoughts on rumination.  Well, you know.  We’ll be talking about that.  That’s a very strong word.  I’ll be ruminating on rumination, the word rumination, ‘cause I do like it.  It is very…that’s a tactile word.  But let me get to the…if you’re new, let me give you a couple things to go by.  Thanks for checking the show out.  Let me structurally give you a low-down ‘cause it can be confusing.  This is a new podcast.

 

You’re probably skeptical which makes total sense.  If this is your first encounter with creaky, dulcet tones and pointless meanders, you’re…let me…yeah, I just want to get you comfortable, I guess would be the word.  I was gonna say organized but if…you don’t need…throw your stuff wherever you want or place it gently.  You know, take your shoes off, leave them on.  I also have these different other things; you know, we have socks, we have slippers, flats, those things that are on Facebook ads that you put on your feet.  Look at all of those…that stuff.  Oh, structurally what to expect.  The show starts off with just a few minutes of business and then it goes into an intro.  It’s not important for new listeners but that’s literally how we keep the show going and free.  Then there’s an intro which we’ve just started.

 

The intro is not a advertisement.  It’s a show within a show, like to kind of…for a new listener, it’s a kind of…a bit of a contradiction, just like everything in the sleep podcast business that I’m involved in ‘cause it’s here to kinda introduce the concept…introduce the impossible concept to the new listener and to put the regular listener either at ease or have them fall asleep or be something familiar, put a smile on your face or their face.  That’s about twelve minutes, a twelve-minute intro.  Usually what happens is I talk, then I go off-topic which is what happens during the whole…that’s why it’s a show within a show, and then there will be a little business between the intro and the show, and then a bedtime story.  Tonight, it’ll be about a episode of The Good Place.

 

The intro, sometimes people say well, you were just talking about nothing or self-promoting for twelve or fourteen minutes but no, no.  Give it a shot.  That’s the other thing about the podcast.  That’s the structure.  But it’s tough to process it the first few times if you try to make sense of it or compare it to how normal podcasts are structured.  Yeah, ours is a little bit different.  It’s got full…you say well, you put the…I don’t know, you put the filling on the inside and the outside.  I say that’s right, I did.  It’s all fluff.  It’s layers of fluff.  You’d say well, I thought that was just the…I say usually, they just have the fluff at the top for a minute or two.  I say no, ours is layers of fluff.  That’s the structure of the show.  Also, good news; no pressure to listen or make sense of things.

 

You could just kick back and kinda passively consume the podcast.  If it’s your first few tries, just kinda look at it like a strange celestial body.  Or just, let’s just keep it simple; a celestial object.  You’d say, what is that up there moving so gently?  Or is it moving or is it just fixated in place?  Is it twinkling or is it a…?  You say okay, well, let me just kick back and wonder if that’s a planet or a planetoid.  Regular listeners would say well, a step down below…what’s a little bit less than a planetoid but not a ‘stroid?  You say well, we don’t know.  You don’t need to listen and you don’t…there’s no…actually, this other contradiction; no pressure to fall asleep.  This is a podcast that’s here to keep you company as you fall asleep, so you can drift off as you wish.

 

I’m gonna be here for about an hour and if you can’t sleep, I’ll be here ‘til the very end to be your friend in the deep, dark night.  Why do I make this podcast?  Why do we talk about…I don’t normally try to talk about rumination but I think when you hear this, it’ll be right after…in the US, the big…one of the big holidays, one of the better ones in my opinion because you get Thursday and Friday off.  I’m recording this before that time, so for me, you know, those…these event…especially these event-type holidays where there’s a meal, a shared meal, they can come…and then there’s the…’cause they say, you know, you get the decoration pressure.  ‘Cause then you say well, the next holiday’s coming up and I had to move.  The only way I could take down my holiday decorations from 2014 was to move.

 

Believe it or not, there must be a list somewhere ‘cause my landlord literally said if you put anything up, you gotta take it down right away.  I said well, then we just won’t have…but we’ll see, we’ll see.  So, there’s that kinda rigmarole, then there’s the…if it’s before or after.  If it’s after, you could be processing how things went, you know?  I’m trying to do this in a circuitous way but ahead of time there could be…you say what am I gonna bring?  What am I gonna make?  Why do I gotta bring stuff?  That could always be something.  You say, how did they get…figure out making a holiday that’s just a big potluck?  Why don’t they just call it potluck?  They could just call it…we could…let’s change…can…is that okay to change the mythology around it?  No.  Okay.

 

‘Cause I found a myth…I do have these mythical…Thanksgiving is the holiday I’m talking about.  It figures in my life, in my cabinets.  Even though I moved, I found [00:20:00] a can of Sunny Select Turkey Gravy with the expiration date of 2013 on it.  That is even a layer of rumination.  It’s like well, one, why did you move with it?  I say, good question.  So I could use it in a podcast intro, maybe.  Two; what the…what’s going on with that?  I say well, I was worried, one, about a gravy…the great…didn’t you read those articles about the great gravy shortage of once upon a time?  No.  Also, by the way Scoots, you also have two other things of turkey gravy in your…okay.  So then you have that S-H-A-M-E word.  Again, this is…I’m sharing this with you so you can relate, so you say well, I’m not alone.

 

Then you say well, do I owe that…I say oh, should I write an ode…oh, turkey gravy; hear my voice across the night.  Hear my ode of apology for not using the…accepting my anxiety.  Oh turkey gravy, I beg you to forgive me.  Or at least…you know what?  No, no, you don’t need to.  That was the wrong way.  I was…well, I don’t know if I was wrong to purchase you, so that’s…but I was wrong or was I wrong not to use…I guess I was wrong with my intention, oh turkey gravy, because I just bought you just in case, worried I would be invited to a random Thanksgiving…unpredictably not on Thanksgiving Day and I would have to grab you so I could get entrance and not feel embarrassed that I didn’t bring anything and there you sat in my cabinet, sitting there.

 

Oh, turkey gravy, with all of your ingredients, least of which was turkey when I read you recently.  The unpronounceable ingredients whose names I should be able to give full voice to, I apologize.  You are both the whole and the sum of all of your parts.  I don’t know if you wished in deep form to be used.  By the way, check out Theory of Everything Podcast on PRX.  Its member, Radiotopia…just search for Theory of Everything in your podcast app.  But anyway, oh turkey gravy, I’m sorry and I’m sorry to use you further as a device in making a metaphor about rumination and how…wondering tonight if I did…if this was a true apology or, you know, I’ll be still thinking about a turkey gravy.  Maybe I could cradle you here and say hey, I’m sorry.

 

If I could make a podcast just for things in my cupboard, universally, of course.  I mean, the great cupboard that holds us all called the…is it the universe or the galaxy?  Oh, turkey gravy, if I could hold you in my heart, that would…you know, I don’t know if that’d be a good idea, but to hold you like I’m holding you in my heart, to tell you a bedtime story tonight to take your mind off of whatever’s keeping you awake using these lulling, soothy, creaky…soothing, creaky, dulcet tones not modified with corn starch, not dehydrated onions or not like those two containers of crunchy onions also in my cupboard along with a cranberry and the cream of mushrooms, all in my one-day Thanksgiving cupboard.

 

Oh, turkey gravy, maybe I’m just here to soothe you, too, to take your mind off of stuff, any existential feelings you might have, especially when you say well, why did you put…why couldn’t you just…maybe you had your whole community there and your friends…oh, you’re just a can of gravy.  Okay, well, it sounds like you’re talking to me now.  Why don’t you get in…comfortable?  I’m rocking you so gently, thinking about your viscosity and saying as a canned good, maybe I’ll just keep you forever.  You truly are more oh-enrobed in paper that says Sunny Select.  Oh, glue that binds you to the can that holds you.  Oh, gravy, you are great and I doth apologize for not living up…well, I guess I have lived up to…if you…you couldn’t choose me, though, but I soothe you, okay, gravy?

 

Thank you for hearing me tonight and to everyone else out there.  Yeah, maybe it’s time…I’ll be here to take your mind off of stuff, but in the moments before the podcast or after, go ahead and picture a kitten in your arms or a puppy or a baby or a can of turkey gravy, snuggled in as we gently rock it…soothing from the heart and saying huh, I know.  Let the…even though this can is covered in paper that says Turkey Gravy with a perfect picture of deliciousness on its cover, let it reflect back to you.  You can rock yourself at the same time.  Those forgotten cans, maybe they don’t need to be ruminated on.  Maybe they’ll fully forgive us 100%.  Right, turkey gravy?  And say, no rumination needed for the ode we sing in your honor.  Especially with us gently rocking; don’t you like it?

 

Oh, turkey gravy, both a symbol and a reality at the same time.  Thank you and thank you all for tuning in.  I really appreciate your time in checking this show out, especially if you’re new.  Give it a few tries.  No reason you wouldn’t be skeptical, especially at this point, but I’m here to help to take your mind off of stuff.  I work very hard.  I yearn and I strive ‘cause I want to help you fall asleep.  Here’s a couple of ways we keep the show going.

 

Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing?  Trouble getting to sleep?  Trouble staying asleep?  Well, welcome.  This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  We do it with a bedtime story.  Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play.  I’m gonna do the rest.  What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake whether it’s thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, changes in time, temperature, routine, habit.  Whatever’s keeping you awake, I’d like to distract you from that, to keep you company.  The way I’m gonna do it is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night.  I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents.

 

I’m gonna go off-topic all to be your friend, to keep you company here in the deep, dark night.  I guess the intro’s flowing like molasses right now for some reason but you know, I’m here to be…I’m here to help.  What I’m gonna do is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night.  I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet…oh, did I already say that?  I did.  Pointless meanders.  Sorry about that.  I guess I’m a little off tonight, but I’m here to help…I’ll be honest here, is I’m like, feeling…I don’t know if it’s tepid of lack…I slept good last night but up until last night, I hadn’t slept so good.  That’s one of the reasons why I make this show.  Now if you’re new, maybe I’ll come back to it.  You know, not make it about me; let’s make it about you.  Hey, welcome.  Come on in.  I created this safe place.

 

I smoothed it, I patted it, I rubbed it down, I added some extra d’s in there for delightfully dreamy.  Yeah, see?  You know, d’s also make good pillows ‘cause these are 3D d’s, believe it or not.  D’s in three dimensions.  The d says finally, I get my due.  ‘Cause the d said you know, everybody just looks at me from the side.  Then if they look at me straight on when I’m only uni-dimensional, they say well, that could be any letter.  It could be an i.  You say no, I’m a d.  You’re just looking at me straight on, but I…that’s when I was a 2D d.  Look out, world; I’m a 3D d now.  But we’ll come…this is maybe a breakthrough.  Somebody get Zaltzman on the phone.  We got some letters.  We haven’t checked with Helen in a while, but let’s see.  If you’re new, don’t try to make a whole lot of sense of this podcast.

 

I mean, you can, but most reviewers say it’s better if you kinda consume it passively at first.  [00:30:00] See how it goes.  Surrender to the flow is the recent review someone said.  Say huh, well, I’m just gonna kinda observe this like…just like watching a bird at a bird bath.  I mean, when I watch a bird I say well, when’s…did the bird bring its own soap or is…I think this has come up before, too; a bird bath.  I say, are you just…are you really taking a bath or are you playing around in there?  That’s like every parent at bedtime anyway.  But for baths for birds, I think…when…every time they go to a…what, are you taking a bird…you know, but they say are you taking a bath or are you socializing?  I say well, ma, this is the first time I’ve seen all these different birds.

 

I’m just trying to catch up and see what life like a sparrow’s like and you know, a robin…a robin’s famous.  So, sorry, ma.  But new listeners, kinda see if it goes like that ‘cause I’m here to help.  Don’t try to make too much sense of it.  No pressure to listen.  This can be a…this is a podcast that can be here while you fall asleep as opposed to putting you to sleep, to keep you company as you drift off.  Maybe you could just barely hear my dog Koa snoring in the background.  I don’t know.  I think I put her to sleep.  Recently, she likes to sleep right by the door or lie there and listen.  She gives me notes afterwards.  She says let’s have a lunch meeting.  I say well, it’s 4:00.  It’s between breakfast…you don’t eat lunch, actually.  You eat breakfast and dinner.

 

Well yeah, but I gotta give you some notes on the podcast, so sit down.  Okay, but if you’re a new listener, let me get back.  I do tend to go off-topic and change topics, but I’m…so, don’t try to figure stuff out.  I guess that was it.  No pressure to fall asleep.  That’s the other thing.  I’m gonna be here for about an hour.  You can also queue up episode after episode after episode if you need to but yeah, I’m here to the very end.  I put everything into these shows so if you can’t fall asleep, at least I can be here to keep you company.  Let’s see, no pressure to fall asleep, no pressure to listen.  Oh, structure of the show; so, the show starts off with a few minutes of business.  That’s how we keep this show going and free.  Then there’s a intro which probably we’re like, five minutes into.

 

The intros are around twelve minutes or so of me trying to explain what the podcast is.  It ends up taking me somewhere between ten and fifteen minutes to get this information; the podcast to put you to sleep, be here while you fall asleep, keep you company, no pressure to listen, no pressure to fall asleep.  Structure of the show, start off with the business and the intro, then we’ll have a little business between the intro and the show, then the show which tonight will be a launch of our holiday…new holiday series which is definitely episodic.  Each episode is self-contained so you can listen to it in any order, although I haven’t recorded any episodes yet so maybe not, but we’ll see.  It’s the episodic…oh, story…and then there’s some thank-yous at the end.  That’s the structure of the show.

 

I make this show ‘cause I’ve had trouble falling asleep.  Like, things like…you know, I’ll be lying in bed and the next thing…and I’ll say what about these 3D letters?  This 3D d; I keep coming back to that and picturing it in my head.  I say, no idea you had such beautiful sides.  You’re so full.  It’s like I’ve never…it’s like I’m seeing you right in three dimensions, finally.  I’ve been this way the whole time.  You just represented me in two dimensions.  Well, also, spoken and short sound and long sound…d…is that only in vowels or is there a short d and a long…is it dee and duh or dah?  Let’s see, duck, dawn, d-duck, dawn, dessert, Dmitri, divine.  I don’t know.  But, sorry about that, d.  It’s good to see you.  One day, you’ll be in four dimensions or maybe even five.  I’ve heard there’s up to twelve other ones.

 

I know, why can’t I just…well, you look great.  I tell you what; I’ve never seen a letter look better in three dimensions.  You’re correct; I have never seen any other letters in…what letters other than d would I want to see in three dimensions?  Only you and all of the other letters that would like to be in three dimensions.  But I’m really enjoying just seeing you, d.  How does it feel?  Go ahead, feel your…oh, you don’t have any.  We didn’t anthropomorphize you.  We just made you into three dimensions.  Here, let me just adjust the setting on my imagination; just a couple of clicks.  Yeah, there you go.  You could…now you’re anthropomorphized or whatever, so now you could touch your sides.  Yeah, go ahead.  Feel your figure.  It’s lovely.  It is lovely.

 

Oh, d, it’s…I think I used up all of the d words in my vocabulary except for darn with an…but I’d say it the other way if I was looking at you in the mirror, d.  I’d say diggity-dog, hot diggity-dog.  I think that’s what Goofy or some afternoon show…yeah, it’s good to see you.  It’s good to be in three dimensions and I think you should spread the word if you don’t mind me punting around.  See if any other letters are…’cause I don’t know if you should show off and say hey, c, a, b, c, d, e…but I think maybe you are the one that was…’cause 3D d…oh, somebody just called from the 70s and they said 3D d was patented back then, so I’m gonna have to put you back in two dimensions.  No, you need glasses to see…in that case, we’d need special glasses to see you that only exist in the 70s.  Yeah, no, I’m sorry.

 

I don’t want to put you back in…I’m…you know what?  Let’s just violate the terms of that.  I got enough people on my tail, anyway.  Maybe you could help me.  Maybe you could go to school.  Maybe you could go to school to be…whatever the person is…a patent violator, a trademark-violator defendant…defender is…defender of Scoots when he uses three…terms like 3D d.  Oh, actually, and it was said like that, 3D d.  Maybe we were…you already have a case and now you just gotta go to law school and get that sorted out, particularly…the sooner the better, for me, d.  Oh, it makes me want to sing but I probably shouldn’t.  I mean, it is the beginning of the podcast.  Yeah, this is a podcast that thinks about these kind of things.  It’s a podcast to put you to sleep, to be here while you fall asleep.

 

If you’re new, I think that’s kinda all the info you need.  I can’t sleep sometimes and alls I want is somebody to be there to keep me company and say hey, it stinks.  Let me try to help.  Now, this podcast doesn’t work for everybody, so give it a few tries.  See if it works for you, but I’m here to help, so let’s see how it goes.  I really appreciate your time and you coming by and I work very hard and I yearn and I strive to help you fall asleep.  Thanks so much and here’s a couple of ways we keep this show going.

 

Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing?  Trouble getting to sleep?  Trouble staying asleep?  Well, welcome.  This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  We do it with a bedtime story.  Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play.  I’m gonna do the rest.  What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake whether it’s thoughts, feelings, things on your mind, things emotionally coming up for you, physical sensations, changes in time or temperature or travel, all of which are common right now, or it could be someone else traveling.  Whatever it is that’s keeping you awake, I’d like to take your mind off that.  What I’m gonna do is I’m gonna create this safe place.

 

I have it set aside…safe…within the safe place, I have a place set aside for you.  Yeah, it’s customizable, up…it’s not upgradable because…well, it is upgradable but all instantaneous upgrades, or you’d say…I don’t think it’s a upgrade; it’s just to make it better.  You say well…you know what I mean?  ‘Cause usually, upgrade, they say well, that’s gonna be another four bucks.  In this case you just say well, do you use a cup rest…you say, a cup rest or a cup holder?  You say, great questions though, Scoots.  I say okay, let me get back to you; a cup rest.  I don’t know if they have those yet.  They have cup holders.  Cup rest…The View from the Cup Rest: a Solo Story, #2.  There you go.  Okay, so if you’re new though, sorry, I went off-topic early.  Here’s a couple things; we’re in the beginning of the show.

 

This is a meandering intro.  It takes about twelve minutes or so and give it a few tries.  Don’t try to make too much sense of it if you’re new.  That’s what almost every regular listener says which is a couple hundred thousand people, [00:40:00] which is a good number of people.  They say well, give it a few tries.  The first time I didn’t…I tried to make sense of it.  But the intro is a friendly monologue, not a infomercial or anything.  Just get comfy.  You could fall asleep during this but a lot of listeners use it as part of their wind-down routine as they get ready for bed.  A few listeners…I think I said…I can’t remember the math now, if it’s 3%, skip straight to the story which is usually around twenty minutes or so in, and some people fall asleep during the intro.

 

More and more people will listen to the intro during the day or the story during the day just to unwind.  Then there will be…not a story tonight; tonight will be a…the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade recap where I’ll try to run through the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, or some guests will.  That’ll be the story that…and then there will be some thank-yous and some goodnights at the end.  Between the intro and the story and at the beginning of the show is the business.  That’s how we keep the show free and going.  90+ hours a week go into keeping the show free and easy for you.  So, I’m here to put you to sleep.  That’s the structure of the show.  Structurally, that’s what to expect.  Oh, is that everything structurally?  Yeah.  Also if you’re new, the show doesn’t make a lot of sense.  I go off-topic a lot.

 

Oh, wait, I didn’t say…I’m gonna send my…what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night.  I’m gonna use lulling, soothing tones, also lulling, soothing tones and lolly’s soothing tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents, backwards logic, turning inward and then spiraling outward, ideally to help you fall asleep, to keep you company as you drift off.  Those are the other things.  This is a podcast you don’t need to listen to.  You don’t need…you should not feel obliged to listen to it, definitely.  But you’re also…you’re under no pressure to listen or to fall asleep.  I’m gonna be here for about an hour to keep you company as you drift off.  If you fall asleep fast, that’s great.  I’m here, you know, while you sleep.  I’ll just be talking.

 

I’ll be keeping you company even while you drift off and that is part of what I think works about this show, is for a lot of us, there’s a parade of thoughts running through our heads or a parade of feelings or something.  A lot of them got that marching band stuff or big balloons to…that grab ahold of our attention, or at least that’s what happen…that’s what’s…grab ahold of my words.  I think that was my balloon…my words just went off in a balloon.  But they grab ahold of our thoughts and they say well, boy, there’s where you had that runny nose.  Then there’s a band and they say this is the Down Home Fun Band singing Don’t Sniffle; Blow That Nose.  You say well, I already saw the balloon.  I don’t even have a runny nose.  That was like, eighteen years ago.  There could be a parade of thoughts.

 

The difference is, this podcast is kind of a parade of nonsense but kind of like blurry nonsense where you say huh, I can see there’s some nonsense in that parade but I can’t really focus on it.  But it is…it moves nicely.  It moves in a soothing way even though it’s a nonsensical parade.  Here’s a question; just popped in my head and I guess I already know the answer to this which unfortunately would be…but you say is the nonsensical parade…what’s the route for a nonsensical parade?  But as someone who’s done this podcast for so long, I say well, I have to be a pretty…unfortunately, to be so nonsensical, it would have to have a pretty well-structured route.  I realize that’s paradoxical but…and they say well, that’s nonsense.

 

I’d say right, that’s the correct kinda…structured nonsense in the nonsensical…and also you gotta stay off the sidewalk.  That’s for the viewers of the parade.  You’d say, I didn’t join a nonsensical parade for this kind of nonsense.  I’d say well, we have nunsense…we have the Nunsense Parade scheduled for 2:00 PM.  You could be in that parade.  That parade is very strict, by the way.  Both of you…I don’t know what kind of nonsense or nunsense you’re looking for but yeah, this podcast is so nonsensical, it follows a structure that you don’t need to listen to and that there’s no pressure to fall asleep.  Also, it’s full of nonsensical ideas.  Sometimes you have a parade of decent thoughts like that whole cup…you say well, they have cup holders.  What did I say?  What about a cup lifter?

 

I think that would have to be…they call that a arm and a hand.  I’d say okay, what was the other one?  I said a cup perch.  Bad idea.  Okay, great.  That was easy.  You don’t want to perch your cup on anything even though we do.  It’s human nature, as the great cup philosopher…it was one of…I can’t think of anything other than Solo when it comes to cups.  Oh, Dixie.  It was Dixie Solo.  Also, believe it or not, that is my third in the lineup of dancer names when I say well, I’m not feeling like whoever it was, Moulin…Melange Rouge; that’s also one of my…that’s a name I’ve been testing out.  I’m not quite there yet, but it’s the name.  But yeah, I said…that’s when I give it…I like to dance as Dixie Solo sometimes.  Mostly square dancing without a partner or an imaginary partner.  That’s Dixie Solo.

 

I didn’t get it.  My brain just told me a joke or a pun.  We were talking about…we had…there’s a parade of thoughts.  You say, a cup perch; no.  Cup holder already invented.  Cup-lifter; maybe just get yourself a lift…one of those self-lifting desks that would automatically lift your cup.  You say well, this standable desk or whatever…also, it comes with a cup-lifter.  You say well, the cup’s just on the desk.  Yes, it’s lifted with the desk on the surface of the desk, but I thought I had invented something else.  It was a cup stand?  No, that’s more…that’s also something.  Cup with A View; I thought that’s what I was naming the movie.  How about this; a cup summit.  That could be a lot of things; cups coming together to figure out stuff cup and cup-related, things interesting to cups and things interesting to cup-makers.

 

But yeah, it could be a podcast, A Cup Summit.  Cup Notes, the only podcast about cups.  Every episode contains a joke ICUP at some point during this podcast.  What other…Cup Summit.  Yeah, I like that idea.  The cup that summited.  Can you…the cup that’s reached the summit.  The Cup that Could.  That book’s been written probably already a few times.  Mine would be The Cup that Could.  Pregnant pause.  Summit: the Story of the Cup in that Dude’s Pocket that Went All the Way Up to the Top of Everest.  My story.  Yeah, how about that?  The cup says well, this is back in the 70s when those Dixie Cups were a thing.  A dude washed his hands in the bathroom, then took a shot of water and said well, I can’t just throw this Dixie Cup away, and put it in his pocket…summit at Everest, possibly.  This is all imaginary and with the help of a thousand people.

 

Yeah, that was my story, The Cup that Could: Summit.  You say well, actually, you were carried along.  I say who’s carrying who?  I was full of…you ever heard of hydration, bub?  Actually, this is a sleep podcast.  I don’t need any cups.  ICUP cup, badda-boom.  Anyway, so this is a podcast to keep you company, to take your mind off of stuff as you drift off to sleep.  The reason I make this show is ‘cause I’ve been there tossing and turning, and I’d just like to help if I can.  I think that’s it.  Don’t try to make too much sense of the show.  If this is your first few times listening, give it a few tries.  See how it goes.  But I’m here to help because I really, truly believe you deserve a good night’s sleep.  I appreciate you coming by.  I work very hard and I yearn and I strive to keep you company as you drift off into dreamland.  Thank you so much and here’s a couple of ways we keep this show going.

 

Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing?  Trouble getting to sleep?  Trouble staying asleep?  Well, welcome.  This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  We do it with a bedtime story.  Alls you need to do if you so choose is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play.  I’m gonna do the rest.  What I’m going to do is [00:50:00] attempt to create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake whether it’s thoughts or feelings, physical sensations, changes in time or temperature.  Whatever’s keeping you awake, I’d like to help with that.  I’d like to…well, here’s what I propose to do and then I’ll kinda explain it, too, if you’re new.  That’s why I do this but it’s also ‘cause I like to be a familiar friend.

 

In fact, so familiar you say well, Scoots, I’m so familiar with this that I could just fall asleep…would be our long-term goal.  But what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night.  I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, tangents that are rustified, extra words.  I don’t know if I have super-fluidity but if you could make superfluous words…like I say…what if they…you know when there’s a gas and it’s liquefied?  I’ve talked about this stuff before; that kinda stuff I don’t get.  I say isn’t that…I guess…but I haven’t delved too deep.  I say wait a second, it’s liquefied natural gas.  No, no, no.  It’s liquefied natural something else.  Then I guess you say well, you put the gas in your…I say okay, but that’s just straight gas.

 

You don’t say liquefied natural petroleum gas or whatever the heck…anyway, I gotta get to the…I can’t go off-topic this soon, and especially talking about the big FF, fossil fuels.  I don’t know if that’s…though that whole thing of liquefying…oh, well, I was saying…what was I saying?  I already have no idea.  I think I was talking about…oh, super-fluidity.  My superfluous something else with alliterative thing has super-fluidity.  The whole idea of the podcast I guess is to keep you company.  If you’re new, let me give you a few pieces of information in all seriousness to introduce you to the show.  One, here’s the structure; show starts off with business.  That’s a key way we keep the show going and free but if you’re new, not that important ‘cause you’re new.  Check it out first.  Then we have an intro.

 

Now, this isn’t a traditional podcast intro.  It’s a twelve-minute show within a show where I kinda talk about how the podcast works and I demonstrate…if I had a lab…well, if I had a grasp of science, engineering, the…if I had the scientific method down…that’s what I always say to everybody, even in school; I said well, if I had a lab, I would get the scientific method right down, or even earlier.  This is how I would get stuff; I’d say well, if I had a trap…I wouldn’t be getting these Fs if I had a new Trapper Keeper ‘cause that’s what happens, pops.  My papers fall…they had this thing called a Trapper Keeper.  It was basically a overpriced binder with sideways folders.  Actually, it made sense at the time.  I mean, here’s the thing; I don’t have any spare change lying around but if I did…and this is a free piece of advice; Warren Buffet, call me.

 

Let’s reinvest in this Trapper…I could tell you it’s coming back next school year.  I’m willing to bet your money on it, Warren, if you’ll give me a percentage…if it works out.  Okay, what was I saying?  Oh, so the intro is a show within a show, yeah, where there’s a lot of superfluous dialogue about how the podcast works.  Some listeners fall asleep during the intro, some listeners get ready for bed during the intro, some listeners listen during the day, a few people skip the intro, but it introduces you to the podcast and the concept over and over again in a new way every time.  I hope it feels familiar for a regular listener and welcoming for a new one.

 

Then we have some business between the intro and the show or the episode part, and then tonight we’ll be talking about a Doctor Who episode about Christmas…you know the…there’s a lot of cover bands…Beatle cover bands called The British Invasion.  Other than Beatlemania, that’s probably the number two name for a Beatles cover band unless someone trademarked it.  Or maybe there’s just two of the names that…Yellow Submariners.  Yellow Submariners.  I think if I had a Beatles cover band, I’d need to play music.  I’d need my scientific method and my lab and my Trapper Keeper.  But we would…we’d be the Submariners, The Yellow Submariners.  Sorry, Submariner.  Submariner, how do you feel about that Aquaman movie coming out?  I don’t know when it comes out.

 

Might already be out.  Khal Drogo is the star of it.  Jason is his name.  He defines…if you look up strapping in the dictionary, you’ll see him in there.  He seems pretty charming, too.  Charismatic, you’re right.  Oh, okay, so the intro is a show within a show.  Oh, then we’ll be talking about who…Doctor Who.  Then at the end is some thank-yous and goodnights.  That’s the structure of the show.  It’s a little late to tell you this maybe if you’re new, but don’t try to figure the podcast out.  It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.  It is a bit counterintuitive in a way that if you hold it gently you’ll say oh, okay…oh, okay, I kinda get it.  I kinda get it; it’s hard to get.  There’s not much to get.  I mean really — this might sound haughty — but the…this podcast is substinative…if I could pronounce it correctly it would have been haughty.

 

Oh, well, its hardiness is in its haughtiness.  I guess if I had a soup place, that’s what I’d say.  The Haughty Soup Shop.  But I was gonna say this podcast is substanative in its something, in its…something, but I messed it up.  Then I thought of a better idea; Haughty Soup Factory.  The Haughty Souper.  You’re right, maybe, maybe, but we’d say hearty in our…our haughtiness is because it’s of our hardiness.  What was I saying?  I was trying to…oh.  So, oh, the podcast doesn’t make a lot of sense.  There you go; I proved that right there.  I was just trying to think of…I did have something with that substanative…our substance is in our…insubstantially substanative or something.  Whatever.  Don’t try to make sense of the show.  Just kinda kick back and passively consume it.  See how it goes.

 

I mean, most people that review the show say it took two or three times for them to get used to it.  It doesn’t work for everybody, but I’m here to help.  Like I said, I hope it works for you, but it doesn’t work for everybody.  I guess that’s the structure of the show.  Yeah, we’ll talk about Doctor Who in maybe like, eight more minutes.  Oh, you don’t need to listen to me.  You don’t need to take me seriously.  You can; I mean, I’m serious about making this show.  I’m committed.  I’ve done 700-something episodes ‘cause I’m here to help.  I’ve been there.  But there’s no pressure to fall asleep.  The reason the shows are about an hour is so I can be here the whole time while you fall asleep at your leisure.  But here’s the other layer; the shows are complete.

 

I’m here to the very end in case you can’t fall asleep, or for those other listeners that won’t or if you’re one of them, I’m here for you.  I’m your bore-friend.  I’m gonna be here ‘til the very end to keep you company while…whether you’re awake or asleep.  Yeah, I can’t remember what I was talking about before that I thought I was gonna go back to…I mean, not the haughty and hoardy…hoardy…The Hoardy Haughter.  What about that for a used…second-hand shop?  I think that’s probably better.  We could serve hardy soup there, though, on Saturdays only.  Let me try to do a ad read for that, just right…come on down to The Haughty Hoarder.  Saturday is Soup Day.  It’s hardy and we’re hardy in our haughtiness here in The Haughty Hoarder, haughty with, whatever, another word for secondhand items that starts with h would be great.

 

But come on down.  Oh, by the way, we’re haughty because I’m always grouchy except on these commercials ‘cause I want you to come to my store down at The Haughty Hoarder.  I guess I’d have to use a pseudonym.  I’d be Harry from The Haughty Hoarder, or Harold’s Haughty Hoarder.  Horace’s Haughty Hoarder might be better.  That’s the name…I mean, Harry kinda sounds…doesn’t sound like a haughty name.  It’s a hardy name.  Then, Howard…I think Harold…Horace.  Horace’s Haughty Hoarder.  Well, we’ll see, we’ll see.  I’ll work with the pseudonyms when I launch this imaginary secondhand shop that won’t ever…I mean, luckily, that’ll only exist in my imagination.  But let’s see, let’s recap.  I’m here to help.  I’m here to take your mind off of stuff.  I’m here to keep you company.

 

I covered the structure of the show, I demonstrated and covered the fact you don’t really need to listen to me too closely, [01:00:00] to see how it goes.  Yeah, I think that’s it.  I’m trying to think of what else I could have missed.  The main thing is I’ve struggled to sleep and I continue to have ups and downs with my relationship with sleep, particularly last night.  It was just one of those nights and I said what in the heck?  I did have to be up early…you know when you have to be up earlier than normal?  That’s always…that’s why this podcast has no pressure to fall asleep when you want to, but when you know that alarm’s been bumped up by an hour or forty-five minutes, you say okay, how the heck…how do I get to sleep again?  Don’t you hate…so, here’s a way; just kick back.  Just listen.  I’m your bore-bud.

 

I’m your bore-friend.  Maybe if we get to know one another, I’ll be your bore-bae, your bore-bruh, your bore-cuz, your bore-sib.  But I’m here to help if I can.  I really appreciate you giving this show a shot, giving it a try.  I was just trying…I’m trying to remember what I was talking about at the beginning of the podcast, when…the first time I got distracted.  Oh, liquefied natural…yeah, I was talking about super-fluidity of my superfluousness.  There’s the first time I’ve gotten back-to-back words correctly in a while.  But I don’t know, I just…I guess I hate to point out errors with the giantest corporations in the world or whatever but I say it’s not…if it’s liquefied, how the…I mean, and maybe someone could point that out to me.  I’m sure they will.  But is…what’s ice…in this context, is ice liquefied, frozen water-gas?

 

I guess I…again, I didn’t pay a whole lot of attention during these things.  But you’d say so, is water liquefied natural water…water-gas; rain cloud gas?  I’m trying to think of whatever…what other things I consume that I could analyze in this way.  You know, you say well Scoots, you seem like you’re totally relaxed.  I say, okay.  You must fall asleep pretty fast then.  Scoots, you totally are chill.  Nothing seems to get at you.  What are your pet peeves?  Please tell us.  Oh, is this Pet Peeves Weekly?  Thanks for calling.  It’s been on my pet…everybody does that joke, Scoots.  It’s been on my pet peeve list that you haven’t called me.  Yeah, every interviewee says that.  Well, I bet you not every interviewee has this pet peeve, Don; it’s liquefied natural gas.  What’s up with that?

 

You know, it just peeves my pets.  I say, it makes me want to do a Jerry Seinfeld.  How can it be a gas if it’s a liquid?  Hello?  Okay.  Well, lost…well, I guess I’ll try cold-calling Cat Fancy again even though I’m allergic to cats and I don’t have any, and do my bits about fancy cats.  Hello?  Okay, even my brain hung up on me.  Anyway, I’m here to help.  I’m here to be your friend, to keep you company in the deep, dark night.  I appreciate you checking this show out.  I hope it works for you.  Give it a few tries.  But here’s the thing; I work very hard because I strive and I yearn to help you fall asleep.  Thank you again for coming by and if you’re with me still, here’s a couple of ways we keep this show going.

 

[END OF RECORDING]

(www.leahtranscribes.com)