935 – Santa’s Twin | As The North Pole Turns Chronicles
We head to a sleepy part of the North Pole to save Santa and the whole holiday season by way of some long discussions with a touch of melodrama.
935 – Santa's Twin | As The North Pole Turns Chronicles 3
[START OF RECORDING]
SCOOTER: [INTRO MUSIC] Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, North Pole residents, and my patron peeps. What up, patron peeps? Not patron pipes; patron peeps. Thanks for supporting the show. What do you say…oh, before we get on with the show, make sure you remember sleepwithmepodcast.com/patronfeed, sleepwithmepodcast.com/patronhelp. Thanks patrons, and then we’ll get on with the show.
INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, it’s time for Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake. It could be thoughts that are keeping you awake, like things you’re thinking about; past, present, future, all of them. That’s usually…those are my thoughts. I think about how the future’s gonna go. I’ll try to put it in neutral terms; how the future’s gonna go because of the past.
Presently, I should probably think about it a lot more in the present so that…that’s a part…then I say well, why are we doing…why…what are…oh, for your own good, Scoots. We gotta do it. Thoughts, it could be feelings, ‘cause then feelings come up for me at the same time. I don’t know…both are there. I’m getting better at tuning into my feelings, to be honest with you, and then just maybe saying hey, hey thoughts, I’ve given you many, many years of my life, billions of…talk about 10,000 hours. I mean, that’s another one I got locked down, Gladwell; 10,000 hours of over-thinking, and not just any over-thinking; like I say, 10,000 hours of focused over-thinking. I probably…I don’t know how many hours are in a year or decade, but…or multiple decades, but hundreds of…I’d say probably 100…if I’ve been around for 200,000 hours, I was over-thinking for 50% of it.
That’s actually not a joke ‘cause you say well, eight hours you were asleep, so 33% of the time, I was either asleep or think…so you say well, out of that 33%, let’s just say 8%, I was over-thinking then. Oh yeah, I gotta get to this podcast intro. So, whatever’s keeping you awake; thoughts, feelings, physical sensations. Maybe some math is there ‘cause I say wait a second, I should probably work on this math while I do this intro. But thoughts, feelings, it could be schedule, work, you could work second, third, fourth shift. I’m here to glamorize the fourth and the fifth shifts because, just, no one does it anymore because a lot of people say Scoots, none of those exist. I say once again, I have to explain this to you?
Just because Hollywood only shows the first, second, and third shifts…just because those journalists out there focus their time…and all the scientists, that doesn’t mean there’s not a fourth and a fifth shift out there somewhere. Sometimes — and I think you could all agree with me on this — sometimes the first shift feels like the fifth shift, if you know what I’m saying. You say oh, man. Just like Cathy, that comic book who disliked Mondays. Sundays…not only do Sundays feel like Mondays; Sundays feel like you’re on the fifth shift. You say, 9:00 AM? Oh, whatever’s keeping you awake, I’m here to keep you company and take your mind off of it while you fall asleep. There’s someone…I’m not kidding; you know, Hollywood…this is…sometimes people say this smarmily, but really, Hollywood does use a lot…reuse a lot of IP.
I don’t really know anything about Cathy or the creator of Cathy, so then I’m trying to say well, this could be problem…there’s probably something problematic. Mondays are like yeah, Cathy had a problem with us so we…but has there been a Cathy…Cathy was a comic. Back when there was newspapers, before the current times when we had…anyway, I can’t get into it but Cathy, you could look it up. Cathy was a comic strip and Cathy disliked Mondays among many other of Cathy’s wonderful qualities, in case…the Cathy’s…for the Cathy super-fans that are listening. Where was I? Whatever’s keeping you awake, I’m here to keep you company and take your mind off of it. Oh yeah, what…it could be what…shifts. It could be work. What I propose to do is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night.
I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones. Oh-so creaky are my dulcet tones that even Raven says when she…people said, that’s That’s So Raven, not Oh-so Raven. I say well, we’ll have to agree to disagree on…they say it’s right here, in a Raven…That’s So Raven Wiki, not Oh-so Raven. Also, the Yoda-like character on the Mandalorian is the child, not baby Oso. I say wow, you’re really letting me have it. Whatever it is…oh, those…but what I said is that if Raven-Symoné was listening to my voice, she might say was that a creaky door that just opened? Was that a full…is that a foley artist pretending to open a door on set? I would imagine…and this is only…this is fanfiction, but that Raven-Symoné is great to work with. I think probably that’s true because of her long career. Usually, that’s a good sign.
So, Raven so would say well, I want to check…I love checking in with the foley artist, Lerlene’s my favorite foley artist anyway. She’s opening a creaky, dulcet door somewhere? No, no, that’s somebody…that’s a sleep podcast. Oh, okay. Also, when…okay, let’s get back to shooting my brand-new show, the blockbuster show, It’s So Raven. That’s the future. I don’t really predict the future very much but they say what…? Say well, yeah, they…all the streaming companies got…they were pitching more and more; who’s gonna have this next phase in Raven-Symoné’s career? Unfortunately, she couldn’t get the rights to That’s So Raven. Yeah, that’s how we ended up with It’s So Raven. Sorry, some people may be wondering where are you.
Yeah, sorry, you’re at Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. A couple things to know if you’re new ‘cause yeah, I’m way…I’ve wandered far afield as I normally do. Okay, so if you’re new here, welcome. I’m glad you’re here. Couple things to know; you may have already figured this out. This podcast is pretty much nonsense, but it’s a fine nonsense. It’s very…I wouldn’t say it’s…it’s a fine-grain nonsense, yeah. The reason it’s nonsense goes ‘cause you don’t have to listen to it. I’m kinda like a friend you call. I mean, can you imagine that? You say okay, let’s stay…since we’re with this Raven-Symoné thing, you say okay, okay, I accept that there was a show called That’s So Raven.
Now, what if you had a friend that was a That’s So Raven…what if you had a friend…let’s get even more meta; what if you had a friend that wrote…rewrote That’s So Raven with Cathy from the comics? Let’s just say it was your grandmother or an aunt or some sort of other figure like that. You say, you know, we’ll just call her Abby. Auntie Abby, I’m gonna call you and I want you to tell me all about this thing you’re working on, this imaginary…you like to write and imagine that Cathy…well, it’s…yeah, it’s That’s So Raven (and Cathy) in parentheses after. It’s actually like, yeah, it’s actually…this would work. What if Raven-Symoné was a person that started rebooting Cathy, like writing it? I don’t know. Does any of this work? You say, keep talking, Auntie. I’m gonna be lying here.
You just tell me the whole…go through the pilot [00:10:00] again. First, tell me the…can you go through a few episodes of That’s So Raven and then how you’re gonna link it back? I’ll be lying here not listening to you. That’s the part that usually trips you up. You couldn’t really say that ‘cause you’d say well, I’m really…your aunt would normally say I put so much work into this. This is my passion project. People say go with your passion or whatever it is, and those are the two things I love. I don’t like Mondays because that just fits there. You say that…but Raven does love Mondays. That would be the best if…’cause she…if she was making this…either a TV show based on…it’s like one of those Christopher Guest things; Raven-Symoné is making a TV show based on Cathy.
She loves it, so she actually loves Mondays because she loves getting back to work. She feels so fulfilled ‘cause this is 100%…this would be her production company. We couldn’t…anyway, yeah, you couldn’t tell your aunt to just keep talking while you fall asleep. Obviously, that stuff is a big deal to her. With this podcast, you don’t gotta listen. You don’t have that last part. You say okay Scoots, you’re gonna just talk about the exact thing…yeah, okay. That’s one thing; you don’t need to listen to me. It’s actually…can be hard at first to accept that or understand. You might be wondering when does the sleepy stuff start? When do I get to the point? What did I even get myself into? I’m very skeptical. Those are all natural ways to approach the show because this show’s very different and strange.
The only thing I can say is give it a few tries. That’s what most listeners say or just kind of have a loose grip or a loose focus. That’s that, and then what else? Oh, this is a podcast you don’t really listen to. It doesn’t really actually put you to sleep, either. Some of you might be like yeah, no duh. No, it’s more here while you fall asleep, just like with our aunt example. You say okay, I’m kinda barely listening to you but I like that because yeah, you’re talking about these kinda sitcom setups and…okay, yeah, I can…I’m wondering. Well, where does she work? Low-rise or a high-rise? I picture her in a bungalow. I think it’d be best if this show was shot in a bungalow on the…behind the scenes of Universal Studios. Also because that’s one of my life goals.
Not to make it about me, but to just…to work in one of the bungalows on the Universal Studios lot where I could just sit in a lawn chair all day and wave at the…Raven would be like Scooter, where is the scripts for this season? I’d say sorry Raven, I was…my arm was tired from waving at the people on the tour. Sometimes I pretend I’m a animatronic and I just pretend…and then I do the robot. Yeah, I didn’t get any of my…okay, well, how are we gonna keep…you can’t keep sitting here entertaining…well, maybe I could. Maybe they could make that a job. Okay, so that part of the fanfiction didn’t work out. I already lost my job on an imaginary show and it just happened to be Monday, so that would be one more…I’d say well, now I hate Mondays because that was the day I lost my job where I made it my second job to sit and interact with the guests at Universal Studios.
That would be…that’s quite an autobiography title. So, okay. Oh, so don’t listen to me. No pressure to fall asleep. I’m gonna be here for about an hour so you could drift off at your leisure. Then if you can’t sleep or you wake up, I’m here for you. These episodes are complete, so I’ll be here to the very end to keep you company, so that’s that. Structure of the show can throw people off. Obviously, I’ve been talking here for about fifteen minutes and I haven’t even got to the structure of the show. But that’s kinda part of how the show works, actually. It starts off with a greeting; friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, North Pole residents so you know you’re welcome. Then there’s business. That’s how we keep the show free. Then there’s the intro.
The intro goes from about minute six to minute twenty. It’s where I kinda just go on and on and on about the podcast and slowly, barely get to the point. Yeah, it’s a bit different. Oh, so, yeah, the intro though, for new listeners, it introduces you to the show and you see it’s a bit different. But for regular listeners, it kinda becomes part of your bedtime routine unless you choose to skip it. You could always skip it and just set your thing for twenty minutes or on Patreon, we put out story-only versions of the episodes. But for most listeners, as they became a regular listener, first they started off…what is this? What the heck? Or not for me, and then they come back and then they become a regular listener. I guess that’s the only way you become a regular listener, is if you come back. Some people just keep going.
But then, it just gives…the whole idea of the show is to be part of your wind-down, whether you’re in bed or you’re getting ready for bed so you can have some distance from the day, so I can ease you into bedtime. That’s the intro, then there’s business which is just structurally how podcast stuff works, then there will be our story. The story is gonna be the final episode of our holiday soap opera, so that’s exciting. Holy melodrama, heavy on the sleepy stuff, so that’ll be that, then there’s some thank-yous at the end. That’s the structure of the show. The reason I make the show is because you deserve a good night’s sleep. That’s why I make the podcast. You deserve a good night’s sleep. You deserve a place where you can rest and get some comfort because if you get some sleep, your world will be a better place; our world will be a better place.
That’s amazing, and then what’s the other last thing I was thinking of? Oh, the reason…the other reason I make the show is because I’ve been there, tossing and turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep. Like I said, I got that…I’ve got that 10,000 hours down. I don’t know, I was gonna try to do some math, but I don’t have any idea. I can’t do…I can’t…I have dyslexia, so I really can’t do math in my head. ‘Cause I said well, how many hours…and I’ll just…you can let me know, but how long would…I know I’ve done 10,000 hours of over-thinking. I’m just wondering if I’ve done 100,000, but I don’t have…twenty-four hours in a day, right? So, ten days is 240 hours. 100 days is…right? Is 100 days 2,400 hours? 24-0-0 is 2,400. 1,000 days, 24,000.
Oh yeah, I got…I probably got 100,000 hours of over-thinking in, no problem. Maybe that’s like…they say Scoots, your hair is just like Malcolm Gladwell’s but straight and poofy. What happened? I say, 100,000 hours…that’s 100,000 hours of over-thinking. How’d he get that Hi-Pro glow? Well, I eat dog food. That’s how I get it, because it’s…that’s where that ad’s from. I say no, no; also from over-thinking. I guess it stimulates some sort of…I don’t know. When I had to…I have to bring up Gladwell’s hair and my hair because I…that’s one place where it’s…there is an…not anti, but anti…whatever. My hair is poofy and straight, and his hair is beautifully lustrous, curly, and rich. Mine is more like corn…like, something you find not a human, like you’d find on an animal. I’m not joking. That’s why I say I have Hi-Pro glow. Anyway, I’m glad you’re here, is my main point.
I’m sorry I’m laughing. It’s just, when things keep going far field, I’m literally saying okay, let’s bring it back here. Then my brain says, what about that? Then it says oh, there’s…it shows me Malcolm Gladwell’s head shot. I say well, I gotta look at that. So, I’m glad you’re here. Like a lot of listeners say, give it a…this show a few tries. You could give up on it. It does not work for everybody, but I really hope it works for you, so that’s why I say give it a few tries, ‘cause hopefully…like I say, you deserve a good night’s sleep. You deserve something that’s gonna barely put a smile on your face. I mean, if you’re looking for something more than that, then this might not…you say, this podcast is something I feel very ambivalent about and that’s why I love it. I’m glad you’re here. I really appreciate you coming by. I work very hard, I yearn and I strive, and here’s a couple ways I’m able to bring you this show twice a week.
Alright everybody, welcome to our episodically modular holiday series conclusion, As the North Pole Turns, [00:20:00] with a touch of seriality that’s undone because we cover everything in the beginning of every episode. But with a…this is a soap opera, so it’s kinda the kinda…it’s kind of the kinda thing that gets handled, because it’s kind of always…As the North Pole Turns. Technically, as the world turns underneath the North Pole. But it’s still turning up there. Actually, it’s turning at a…I don’t know anything about the…I’d say, are they turning at the same speed even though the radius is smaller? I gotta put some…I gotta buy a globe and get this…get to the bottom of this. I’m gonna turn things over to the person reporting on tonight’s episode, Claude Neon.
Claude Neon here, and I’m just trying to review everything that’s happened so far before we head off and I step into this group with Balsamica and the rest of the North Pole elves, here. I arrived at the North Pole with the task…I was assigned the task of clearing the name of Abies who stands…stood…I’m not even sure…accused of lying to Santa Claus which is something that gets…can get you banned permanently, exiled from the North Pole, one of the worst things that can happen to a North Pole elf. I came to collect information to get to the bottom of things with Abies, clear Abies’ name. Well, that’s what I was hoping to do, and my client was pretty sure that Abies was innocent of lying to Santa Claus.
Actually, huh, I didn’t even think about this but well, we’ll get to it because when I arrived or right around the time I arrived, there was already a lot going on here at the North Pole other than the preparations for the holiday season which were just completed, which we would have thought okay, most problems solved. There’s still a lot of interpersonal or inter-elven things to solve, but right leading up to the finalizing of the holiday preparations, Procera, another North Pole elf, had…there was a new facility for solid state electronic toy production here in the North Pole. Not all the elves…the changes in toy production, just like they’ve impacted the world here in the 1990s or 80s, whatever…I’m losing track; 80s. 1980s. I’m already thinking about those 90s.
I’m sure they’re gonna be…I don’t know what they’ll be like. But hopefully they’ll still have neon and flat…fat shoelaces ‘cause those are two of my favorite things. But so, not all the elves were happy ‘cause they said what are we…making electronic toys; there are just circuits and things…these are easily replaceable or easily automated. What’s gonna be the future of the elves and with globalization? The elves said…what do you call it? Quote, unquote, “free markets”. The elves said is this…it was a lot of strong feelings. Now, Procera had some of the strongest feelings we observed because Procera used some different designs to eliminate the new facility from existence by way of glacier and chasm. Because of that glacier…oh, because of that, the facility was gone.
Also, a lot of those toys had been scheduled to go out. Of course, there was a lot of strong feelings about that, and I’m not dealing with the implications of what happened. But there was also some other feeling of…that something else was at play here with Abies and now Procera’s actions. What we discovered was that one Santa Claus…we all banded together, even I. A part of us researching saying okay, I gotta clear Abies’ name, but to pitch in to make sure there was enough toys to be delivered on the holiday…the evenings of the holidays. We all know not…that again, the reality of the 1980s is not every child gets a toy from Santa Claus. It’s more partial…partially symbolic, partially real.
Also, a lot of people don’t know this but we talked about it is that the elves are actually also employed by some of the toy manufacturers as part of a set of accords reached by Ingle Manny, another one of these figures here. Now, we also learned that Ingle Manny was half-elf which we did not know at the time. Ingle Manny’s child, Atlantica, is quarter-elf, I guess, technically. Their partner is Depianna. I gotta look at my notes here, but one of the…genius behind solid state, or one of them…or at least the head elf in charge of solid state electronic production. Then we had Procera. Everyone was helping and even Abies, because Abies and Procera also…very high-level elves.
We also learned that after we got the sleigh ready…oh, the reason Abies…oh, also Abies was accused of lying to Santa Claus in relation to the Abies and Mrs. Claus…were underneath the mistletoe one night but we also learned, after we got the sleigh loaded…unfortunately, you know you have to do that a few weeks before the holidays. What happened was we also learned that the person we thought was Santa Claus who had been behaving strangely maybe for years, we just don’t know, hopped in the sleigh and took off with it with all the toys, meaning…we have a backup sleigh. There’s a sleigh. It’s not like in the movies. There’s like, a front sleigh that’s driven by the combination of reindeer and an ion engine. I think that’s what it’s called.
But there’s also the cargo which is attached to the sleigh just like a train, a bit. We have a backup sleigh that was actually circling the area looking for Santa once we realized that Santa was not…’cause it has…what do you call that thing? Infrared. We’re going to try…now, the good thing about an ion engine or ionic engine is it needs to…it slowly builds up speed by ejecting ions — I’m not positive on that — at a certain altitude, so the E-V-I-L Santa is somewhere circling the North Pole, building up speed. We’re going to try to get in this backup sleigh and catch up with Santa to save Christmas and get those presents and save the holiday season. I guess the question is, can…everybody’s returning now because we all had…and I was lucky; I already had a snowsuit on. They call them Santa suits so they could stay warm.
Even though there’s heaters, you gotta have a…in case you say well, we gotta stop and get in and out. All the elves are here and again, the elven leadership is more-or-less the people…oh, also, I haven’t introduced you to Balsamica. Balsamica, my understanding, has been my assistant in these investigations, somewhat; a independent assistant or someone I’m working with. Balsamica’s standing looking back at me, mentioning for me to get over so I can listen in to all the discussions, or that we all can hear them. But Balsamica’s kind of in charge of melodrama on the North Pole which I think keeps things…keeps people’s…it’s an intense work environment up here. The processing of melodrama…I don’t know, I haven’t been…I’m surprised it’s a job.
But it’s a bit like a community service member report…I don’t know. Yeah, I’ve gotta get…okay, they’re talking about who’s gonna drive the sleigh and every…okay. Hello, hello. Okay, you were saying…yeah, so, it’s me, Ingle Manny. I mean, I’m not trying to say that I should drive it, but Procera and Abies can’t drive because we just don’t have a full…you can’t run the sleigh just ‘cause you’re directly connected to the events that…and I guess in some sense you could [00:30:00] say I’m indirectly connected. But you were both directly connected to the events that made this secondary Santa Claus take off with the sleigh. For us to let you drive the sleigh would just be…oh, hi, hey Claude, yeah, we’re just discussing who should drive the sleigh.
I was saying not Procera and not Abies just because it’s not a good idea. Just in case; we don’t want to give you the reins of the last chance I have or we have to save Christmas. Oh, that’s interesting that you said…that, yeah, that…oh, just…I know you might not recognize us in our snowsuits, Claude; I’m Procera. What’s your motivation, though, Ingle Manny, to drive? I mean, how can we trust you since your child’s partner is behind the…you’re the one…you’re indirectly involved in this. What if you have a plan to make…’cause you just want to replace all the elves with technology. Well, that’s not actually true, Procera. I’m trying to…and again, I know it’s…here’s the real reason why, as I revealed in great, dramatic fashion recently that I’m only part elf and I’m not 100…I’m 50% elf and that is…that’s probably part of why I’ve gone on this journey, dealing with so many humans.
As we know, Santa Claus is part-human. We’re all human. We don’t know the answer to that. It just looks like you’re human. Since Santa normally drives the sleigh, I think it’d be best if someone that has a human…connection to humanity…a physical connection; I think the sleigh just may respond better. We don’t really know. We don’t drive a lot of sleighs, you know? I think because my motivations are questioned by everyone, I’m actually more trustworthy and I would say that you, maybe Procera and Abies, you could maybe…you could keep an eye on me, right? Then I have my child Atlantica here. Atlantica, you could sit next to me as you’re a quarter…I think. I don’t know. I guess I don’t understand it after that. How’s everybody feel about that?
Well, this is Atlantica speaking; thank you, Ingle Manny. Thank you, parent of mine. I think that the way we should sit is that you should drive. I think…’cause everyone’s in agreement. That was a powerful argument you made, mostly just to you being human. Also, you have…you’ve driven the sleigh. Not many of us have. That makes sense, but I don’t think I should sit next to you. I think Depianna should sit next to you, my beloved Depianna. Then I’ll sit next to Depianna and then Abies should sit next to me. Okay, well, this is Depianna; why wouldn’t you sit next…why would Abies…that’s a lot of people for the front of the sleigh. Well yeah, we’ll be snuggled in, but I think because Abies should be next to me, you should be next to Ingle Manny. Then I’m still next to you, so don’t worry.
But then, you know, you have the most technological skills. Let’s just be honest, and this could be a technological situation. Also, I mean, not everybody knows this, but I just happen to know that Abies has the best eyesight in the North Pole. If we’re gonna be looking for the sleigh visually…because hopefully we’ll be able to spot Rudolph’s nose, that then Abies would be the one…because remember that the ionic engine goes in a counterclockwise…right? Counterclockwise orbit or circle. That’s why. My dear, how do you know so much about Abies’ sight? Oh, hey, this is Abies here; that does sound good. I mean, we’ll all fit in the…it’ll be…no, it’ll be close; we’ll be close to one another. I’ll be close to Atlantica, you’ll be close to Atlantica, Depianna.
Atlantica will be close to me and to you, and then you’ll be close to Ingle Manny, but you’re also good with tech. Then, you know, you and Atlantica…if Atlantica did need to take over the sleigh, they’d be right there to do it. I think it’d be nice to sit next to…I mean, it’d be nice for me because I do have the best eyesight. Yeah, I’ve seen things across rooms, eyes I would never forget, cheeks that I would never forget across the room, across the workplace. Yeah, I’m…I mean, are you talking about Mrs. Claus or Atlantica, Abies? ‘Cause this is just not…I’m just talking about keeping an eye out for Rudolph’s nose. Okay, well, that’s fine. But then, so then the back, we would have Claude Neon, Balsamica, and Procera. Mrs. Claus, you should probably stay behind, here. Then we should probably get moving.
Does that sound equitable to everybody? Does everybody have an objection to the seating arrangements? Procera, you could sit between Balsamica and Claude Neon, and that way, you know, just in case there’s something else going on. Are you good…’cause we need you to help us, so if you’re not gonna help us save Christmas and the holiday season, please let us know. Now, I’m…this is Procera; of course I…again, I’m just saying my name first for Claude Neon’s sake, but yeah, I would…this is fine. I think we should get going because, yeah, I want to save Christmas. So, let’s all get in the sleigh and let’s go. Okay, Mrs. Claus, you stay here. This is Balsamica taking over. Everybody load up. I think this is good. Claude, this is good. I think everybody’s here. We’re taking off.
We’re gaining…so, we should go…just so Claude knows, this is Balsamica talking; we should hit…this is…now, this is the backup sleigh, but it doesn’t have an ion engine, so technically if Santa and the current sleigh or whatever we’re calling this other Santa does reach speed, we would never be able to catch them because this is the older model sleigh. It doesn’t have an ionic engine. It relies on other technology and a lot more reindeer. Yeah, that’s correct, Balsamica, but we…alls we need to do…and actually, it’s a faster sleigh. We just have to get to the…get to altitude. Oh boy, though, it’s very cloudy at altitude, so we’re not gonna be able to see. We can’t see anything. Unfortunately, this has radar but not…we won’t be able to pick up the sleigh. One thing that we won’t get on this radar is the sleigh.
You know, it’s just for other aircraft and birds. So, what we’ll have to do is we’re gonna have to trust Abies’ eyesight. We’re at altitude, though. Yeah, we…I mean, we should be following…it’s a very…so, yeah, just to narrate everything, this is Ingle Manny, Claude; so, we should be able to complete the circle. I have the things at nearly full throttle. I’m ready to pull back though in case we see the sleigh. It’s a good thing this has a reverse brake so if we do catch up on the sleigh, we’ll…you know, now that we’re up here, we gotta do a few circles. Sooner or later, we’ll catch up or encounter it ‘cause we’ll either…you know, could…Procera, could you keep an eye on the rear? ‘Cause it could…the sleigh could appear behind us and you’d be able to see Rudolph’s nose, oh-so bright, guiding false Santa’s sleigh tonight.
But I really…thinking about this fact that I’m only…I’m not a…I’m just having a tough time. I mean, not having a tough time driving the sleigh but I am having [00:40:00] a tough time processing my existence here because I say wait a second, I’m…you mean…it’s just a lot of meaning. I’m having trouble with it, I guess. I don’t know how else to put it. Suddenly, I’m thinking what does it mean to be me if…that I’m not…how has that guided my choices? I don’t know. I’m thinking a lot about that and I could just use…oh, thank you Atlantica, for putting your arm around me, child, sweet child of mine. Oh, thank you, Balsamica, for putting your hand on my shoulder from behind me. Thank you. That’s very calming. Still misty up here.
Abies, have you seen anything bright? No, as a matter of fact, I have not seen anything bright. Never…the only thing I’ve seen as bright as Rudolph’s nose is the twinkle in Atlantica’s eye on…at the Great Snow Ball we had when we were children. Okay, did you notice that pause, Abies? It’s probably not the best time for a trip down memory lane. Yeah, especially with my partner, Abies. Well, it’s okay. Just go ahead, Abies. What were you saying about my eyes? Well, what I was thinking is that when I would lose sight of your eyes, it would be when you closed your eyes and blinked or you closed your eyes and looked away or then, you know, you ended up living and choosing Depianna. Then I didn’t see your…I see your eyes from far away, but it was in a…it wasn’t at the Snow Ball.
It just had a different tone to me, of seeing your eyes in that situation versus the current situation. That fact I guess has driven me to…drove me into the arms of Mrs. Claus. I’ve just been thinking a lot about that and the fact that, you know, Mrs. Claus and I, we were just…it wasn’t love. It was a different kind of love, is what I’m saying to everyone here. It wasn’t a love born out of passion or love borne out of shared interest. It was the kind of love you see when two leaves are floating in a river and the river is picking up speed, but the leaves are moist and they touch one another and they stick together and they traverse part of the river together. Maybe a part of the river that’s where the speed picks up, and I think that part of the river for Mrs. Claus is now what we’re seeing.
Did we ask Mrs. Claus if she knew that Santa…this wasn’t the real Santa Claus? I think my conversations with her led…lead me to think no, that she was just like, Santa had changed and maybe Santa’s…the joy of the season had drained out of Santa’s heart. That’s how we became together to say well, it’s…we’ve encountered one another and we’re sharing this drifting feeling. If we could just connect for a while in this river, we wouldn’t have to…but it’s…sometimes, it’s just natural. Like I said, just leaves coming in contact with one another and there just happens to be some sort of attraction. Some would say it was a surface attraction and some would not. But my point being is that I believe that what I’m saying is that I have not seen the sleigh.
My eyesight is so good and my memory that I feel like we’re covering the same…and I’ve been watching the maps out of the corner of our eye…my eye. This is Ingle Manny; I don’t mean to interrupt you but I’m really relating with what you’re saying from a different perspective because I’m part human and part elf. While I know the ages don’t line up and the situation doesn’t line up, I have to start to wonder where…whence I came, you know? You know, I’m going through this thing and wondering where…maybe this is where I feel adrift and why I’ve always tried to connect elves and humans together. Is it what I’ve always wanted for myself or is it what I’ve wanted because I’ve felt something empty or missing inside me?
I’ve tried to be the best parent I could, Atlantica, and I know I’ve been distracted sometimes and I travel a lot more than most elven parents and I’ve relied on you for not just support but for, you know, you’ve been a trusted adviser of mine. But now I’m calling into question my questionable motivations. Then at the same time, even though I’m talking and driving a sleigh at an incredible speed here through a snow storm and misty sky, the fact of the matter is that I’m…I guess I’m lost in another way. Oh, but what…you were gonna say something about…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt you, Abies. Now you got me thinking about things I’ve been thinking about, but more about things I’ve been feeling and wondering which comes first.
Well, what I was gonna say was we haven’t seen Rudolph’s nose which is pretty much impossible even in this level of mist and snow. So, what I’m probably saying is that this…the, whatever Santa…non-Santa would have covered Rudolph’s nose knowing we would be in pursuit, so that’s not a good sign. Okay, but this is Depianna here and I’m really having feelings myself about what you’ve been saying, but I have to put my feelings aside because I do want to say that I had installed LED lights on the rear of the new sleigh and we were still testing them out. I just remembered that we have a…we did offer a way to activate them remotely. The fact of the matter is that they should be…we should be able to turn them on, on the other sleigh. They’re like brake lights on a car.
They prefer to be there for where Rudolph’s nose wasn’t. Also, they were just gonna be there for a cool…when we do more of the goodwill tours, we thought it’d be cool to have brake lights. I brake for…remember when that ‘I brake for Santa’ thing was popular? Oh, I’m sorry Depianna, I think I…this is Procera; I remember that remote control and it’s underneath…I kicked it a few times, though. Okay, well, could you crawl under…did…let me take…it’s not…oh boy, yeah. We’re gonna have to…I can fix this, though. I need your help, Procera. Atlantica, I probably need your help, too. Okay, what do you need? Well, I don’t know, because I just need some clarity, I guess, of what does all this mean?
Okay, well, maybe it means that I’m good you’re having…I’m glad you’re having feelings about what Abies was saying and the fact that Abies and I are sitting next to each other, too. Maybe that’s a good thing, huh? Maybe we should get…we should get this resolved as soon as we can. Oh, okay. Yeah, let’s do that. Okay, Procera, can you hold that red thing…that red wire there? Okay, now I’m gonna hold this green and…green wire, and then that purple one. Okay, you hold the blue one. Now we’re gonna put that…we gotta…it looks like the connect…you just broke the connections, so we’re gonna hold all four of these wires to the thing and the lights should go on, so everybody else keep your eyes peeled. Five, four, three, two, one. Okay, the…oh, Abies here; I see the lights. I see the tail lights.
Wow, those are powerful. LEDs are more powerful than Rudolph’s [00:50:00] nose. I would have never thought of that. Yeah, combined, they are more powerful than Rudolph’s nose. But oh, so, where’s the sleigh? Well, what’s interesting is that it’s about 300 yards below us. Oh, he’s so…that Santa knew we were…wait a second, does anybody smell any ion in the air? I don’t even know what ion smells like. Neither do I. Neither do I. Well, I could tell you that it doesn’t smell like ion up here, so that means the ion engine is going and this Santa’s going at a different level. Do you think that Santa would have thought we would come up here and then just circled and then…what do you think? Just spun our wheels. Yeah, I guess so, but so, where’s…okay, so now…okay.
Ingle Manny, where are we…okay, yeah, we should be at near-full ionic speed if it was…right now would be when the sleigh would have been starting its larger circles, and then it would be impossible for this sleigh to keep up with it. It hasn’t reached full speed for the deliveries, but it has reached a speed…or it should have, but according to the lights and what I’m seeing is it’s going at the same speed. It’s just at a cruising speed and at a cruising altitude, not the ionic impulse or whatever altitude. Does anybody have any thoughts? Procera and Ingle…or, Procera and Depianna, you better keep hanging onto those. Yeah, well, I’m under here. I don’t know if you can hear me under the seat; this is Procera. So, you’re saying that the alternate Santa is at a altitude just circling?
I would presume that Santa would think it would…that we would just give up and then we’d just give up on the holidays. Oh, Abies here; this Santa is now changing directions and not circling anymore but heading off. I don’t know if we’re headed…if Santa’s heading north, south, east, or west. Okay, well, maybe…Ingle Manny, can you follow at a safe distance? Yeah, I can stay above Santa. There’s no way…this doesn’t have any lights or LEDs, right, Depianna? No; yeah, I’m just holding things down here. You know, the other thing you could do is check the thermal images. Remember, we had Santa Claus and another person or what we’re assuming is Santa Claus and another person. See if…I’m just guessing that that’s…could be where…oh, you’re right, Depianna.
That’s beyond the Crystal Forest. It’s inside the Crystal Forest where that…this…the two…there shouldn’t have been any heat signatures but there’s two heat signatures somewhere in the Crystal Forest. This Santa…this sleigh seems to be headed in that direction. Wow, so that…so, we’re following it though, right? We are following it. The Santa was going to…now, the Crystal Forest is a place we’ve never been allowed. Yeah, I mean, mostly because it’s just a crystal forest; there’s a lot of icicles and it’s just not a good idea. That’s why. People think it’s a legend; it’s just icicles. Oh, wow, I never knew that. I thought there was probably frost giants or something. No, there’s no such thing as frost giants; just frost. The frost is real.
Okay, well, it looks like we could stay…if we stay at this altitude, can we keep following…well, I guess we don’t even need to. It looks like those lights are headed right towards those two thermal heat signatures from the thermal imaging. So, what are we gonna do now? I don’t mean to correct Ingle Manny but it’s infrared, not thermal imaging. Okay, thank you for…thanks for correcting me, thanks. I can’t imagine why my child would ever get distracted from you when you’re correcting everybody. Okay, well, why don’t…here’s a suggestion; this is Procera here. Why don’t you land? Now, we’re coming in where we can…oh, I was gonna say circle and land over there, but it looks like the Santa’s looking right up at us and waving us in.
If we thought that we were gonna lose the Santa…what are we gonna do when we get down there? Oh, well, I guess we’ll talk to the Santa. I don’t know. Okay, yeah, it looks like that Santa is waiting for us and now going towards the cabin as we land, and walking inside and holding the door for us. But it’s one of those two-door places, so not letting any hot air out of the cabin. Okay, here’s an idea, though; Claude, why don’t you walk a little bit slower than all of us? Claude, do you…have you ever talked to reindeer before? Talk to the reindeer because I don’t think this Santa knows that the reindeer can communicate with the squirrels. Don’t go too slow, Claude. Just tell the reindeer to detach the sleigh, the presents from the sleigh. Ask the squirrels and the other forest friends to come for help.
We’ll go inside and see what this…act like we’re just acquiescing. Go along with what the Santa says and then…do you understand, Claude? Go ahead, go ahead. Hey, Rudolph, Dasher, Dancer, Donner, Blitzen, Comet, Cupid, Donder, Blitzen, Carmela. Actually, I don’t know everybody else’s names. It seems like…because…but I don’t know if you heard that but we need you to do…we’re gonna go inside and distract this alt-Santa and we need you to detach…we need you to fly the sleigh we were in and the presents back to where Mrs. Claus is and keep it safe and save Christmas, if that would be good. Could you do…? Okay, we’re just gonna go inside. Oh, sorry, I’m just…I’m not…how you doing? I thought you were Santa Claus. Turns out you’re…who are you?
Come inside, please, Claude. Well, you’re not…are you Santa or not? Come inside, Claude. Let’s all talk. Oh look, there’s Santa Claus and Procera…another Procera? What’s happening here? Sit down, everyone. It’s I, who you once thought was Santa Claus. Now, my name’s not Jack Skellington, but you might have said what are you doing, trying to ruin Christmas? I understand how you feel that way, but I’ve led you here and I wanted one of you or two of you to find your way here because you might say what are you doing? You’ve been imitating Santa, keeping Santa and another Procera here in a cabin. I’d say yeah, I’m…I’ve been a confused man. I was a mall Santa. I’m not Santa’s twin; I’m just…look a lot like Santa. Some would say my choices are E-V-I-L, but when I was a mall Santa, we had working for us a real elf.
I didn’t know it at the time at first; someone cast out from the North Pole for lying to Santa. That elf and I fell in love and eventually, that elf earned their way back to the North Pole because it was only a partial ban and ended up a parent of some other…a famous Neon cleared their name, but I was down there. I’m not…[01:00:00] I missed them and I wanted to come back. They said no humans at the North Pole. Actually, they didn’t…whatever. I’m your father, Ingle Manny, and I’m your grandparent, Atlantica. Also, after I was a mall Santa, I ended up owning the malls, and then I…you know, I also own one of the great toy conglomerates. Or I did; I sold it all to become a…to fund my plan to take over for Santa.
Then I realized how much work it was over the past few years and…but, you know, just how tiring it was keeping…looking like…I mean, I naturally looked exactly like Santa. We’re not twins but that happens; people look like one another. When I learned the elf that I loved wasn’t here at the North Pole, I thought maybe I would work up the courage to introduce myself to you, Ingle Manny and Atlantica, but I found by imitating Santa that I had some contact with you, but in the end it ended up being unfulfilling, working with all of you under false pretenses. While it was exciting to pretend I was Santa, especially the past few holidays, it wasn’t easy. In the end, it wasn’t fulfilling at all. I’ve kept Santa here with Precera, Procera’s twin. Procera does have a twin; Precera.
They’ve been living here for years ‘cause you can’t get…you can’t leave the Crystal Forest. It’s actually true, and they were smart enough to stay here. But, you know, I kept them happy and entertained and all that, so I don’t know if Precera or Santa, you want to say anything, but that’s why I’m here and I guess I’m sorry. I just did it for love, love of a child and a grandchild. I confused love with the holiday season. Yeah, I guess that’s just the human…I mean, I’m only human. Wow, so you’re my…one of my parents. Well, it’s good to meet you. I’m Ingle Manny. You could call me Bert, actually. I go by Bert when I’m not…I mean, I forgot my name for a little while. Otherwise I would have just said it’s me, your father, Bert. Well, here in the North Pole we don’t use those terms, Bert, but I could say you’re my parental figure.
Okay, that’s fine. You use it for Santa and Mrs. Claus, though. Well, you’re no Santa, Bert. Maybe that’s good. Maybe you could start…you apologized, so maybe we could go and get to know one another. Atlantica, what do you think? I think Depianna and I need to talk and spend some time reconnecting, the two of us, we…and rekindling. I noticed this cabin has multiple rooms, so we want to have a private discussion. Abies, maybe there…maybe you could stay near the room, depending on how our discussion goes, ‘cause sometimes the leaves flowed in different directions and sometimes they end up together. Okay, that’s confusing. Precera, I’m Procera. You’re my twin sister. What are you doing here and Santa, how’s everything going? Ho, ho, ho, it’s going.
We’ve adjusted, but I knew in my heart you all would be here and Precera was part of…well, Procera, you might as well tell everybody now. Yeah, well, Bert didn’t really realize this, or that Precera did finally find a way out of the Crystal Forest and found me. We worked out this plan which involved over-the-top plan…also, just so you know, the companies Bert owned were mostly solid state companies, so some of it was Bert. No offense. Also, you…when you sold them, they were for…anyway, not important. We came up with this plan to get you here to rescue Santa and save the holiday season and all that. But what you should all know is that this hasn’t been easy for Santa, being away from Mrs. Claus and knowing…this has just not been easy. Santa kinda still could see everything.
Oh, Abies isn’t even in the room anymore. So, Santa’s decided and there’s one other person that knew about all this, so why don’t you kinda tell everybody every…finish it off, Balsamica? Yeah, so, well, yeah, so everybody should know that’s still listening — including you, Claude — that this was part of a plan that I was also a part of. I was the one that gave Bert the idea to…that Abies…that brought everything to Bert’s attention. I also moved…I said why don’t…don’t you ever check your mistletoe, Bert? He said ho, ho, ho, who would be checking my mistletoe? But as I’ve been working with Precera and Procera to eventually save Christmas and get Santa and replace Bert, it wasn’t easy because Bert controls a lot of the stuff that’s essential to Christmas.
Our fear was that if Christmas was fully-automated, Bert would have total power. Even though it was starting to be empty for Bert, that could be even worse because what if Bert just rose to the level of Santa Claus and then wasn’t interested but took all of the power that came with being Santa Claus? What would that mean for Christmas if Bert just walked away and left the automatic reins? No more reindeer. No more elves making toys. We knew we had to do a slow plan. The problem was, when we were doing the slow plan, Santa Claus, the real Santa Claus also changed priorities. We know that the role isn’t changed very often. But Claude, we brought you here because it’s time for a change. Not right now; we gotta get things back in order at the North Pole.
This season, the real Santa will be back. Santa, can you give us a ho, ho, ho? Ho, ho, ho. Yeah, thanks. Balsamica, Precera, and Procera and I worked together. I’m gonna give it a few more holiday seasons, but I think that it’s time for me to start looking at being replaced by somebody. A new Claus should come into being, and not someone that’s…someone that we find. We search the world. We’re gonna need your help telling that story, Claude. Now, it could be other stories of the holiday seasons that haven’t been told that you may need to tell, Claude, so we’re gonna have to count on you as a reporter to tell our tales, but I think that’s the end of this tale, ho, ho, ho. This will be the first…this will be the holiday I’m back, but I think we should all rest now and get comfortable.
We’ll figure out Bert; we know that the reindeer have returned to…so, everything else is on schedule again. Let’s just get comfortable and rest and know all will be well, that all will be well. Even though there’s a lot of melodrama, probably most of it not necessary; if we would have just communicated and said exactly what we wanted or found out…oh, that’s what I really want, we could have just asked, but that’s not what makes humans humans or elves elves, is it? We all need to rest. We know that much, so let’s rest together and have a joyous season, or more find a little joy. This is my ho, ho, ho this year. Maybe you could find yours right on that level. It’s okay to only say well, yeah, maybe I’ll find some joy on the inside and some self-soothing and say yeah, maybe this is my level of ho, ho, ho. Happy holidays, everybody. Goodnight.
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