933 – Kissing Mrs. Claus | As The North Pole Turns Chronicles E2

933 – Kissing Mrs. Claus | As The North Pole Turns Chronicles E2

 

[START OF RECORDING]

 

SCOOTER:    Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and friends beyond the binary, it’s time for the podcaster, patrons, that right now I got two handfuls of elbow, or each hand has…well, no.  I guess, well, I did right when I…when I said that, I was being honest.  Right now I have two…does it sound different?  Right now I have two handfuls of elbow.  When I thought of it before I hit Record, I said I was gonna say two handfuls of elbows but I actually had two hands…two handfuls of pre…before…not my forearm but the butt-end of my forearm that’s touching my elbow.  But my arms aren’t really crossed; they’re in my lap.  You know what I’m saying?  I don’t have them crossed, ‘cause then I’d have…wait, let me see, when I have my arms crossed, oh, then I have two armpits full of hands, which nobody wants that in their sleep podcast.  Or I guess I got my biceps holding my arms.  Close enough to my armpits to say that, though.  My hands aren’t in my armpits because it’s time for Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep, patrons.

 

INTRO:    [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing?  Trouble getting to sleep?  Trouble staying asleep?  Well, welcome.  This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  We do it with a bedtime story.  Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play.  I’m gonna do the rest.  What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake whether it’s thoughts, things you’re thinking about, feelings, anything emotionally coming up for you where you say okay, I’m feeling something about that.  I don’t know.  Normally it’s not…it can be…sometimes good or excited feelings can keep us awake.  They never get any glory.

 

You say…’cause usually if you’re excited about waking up, then later your grouchiness is a little bit…I don’t know.  I don’t know what the…I don’t have the vocabulary to say it, but something eclipsed by your…whatever the joyous event is.  But it could be feelings about the past, present, future, or just general…the old generalized feelings.  Talk about a feeling that’s resentful.  You say, who are you calling generalized?  I say well, I don’t know.  That was just what it said in the DSVM-5…the IV, the 1VV1.  Everybody laughs; everybody that knows what it is laughs ‘cause they say Scoots, it’s not the DSVM.  I’d say, are you sure about…?  It’s gray, right?  I can see it.

 

I pulled that thing…you know where it’s good to find those…and this isn’t a joke about the content; it’s just that a lot of those end up in the bin because I’m sure a lot of people set out on that path either to…who would say that?  Oh boy, can’t wait to sit down and crack this manual…whatever it is.  It’s got a lot of letters and some…I think Roman numerals in here.  Not only is it a manual; it’s a diagnostic manual.  I think the S probably stands for Standardized or something.  Even generalized is saying yeah, and I’m not even…I might be listed in there, but I’m not on the cover.  I’d say well, you’re on the cover of so many things for me.  You’re on the top of my covers when I’m trying to go to sleep and when I get up, sitting there…old generalized, different things.

 

Anyway, it could be feelings, it could be physical sensations.  It could be interrelated stuff.  It could be something else.  Whatever is keeping you awake, I’d like to take your mind off of that and keep you company just like a friend would, chitter-chattering away while you fall asleep.  That’s it.  I’m here to take your mind off of stuff while you fall asleep and what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna create a safe place.  I’m smoothing it, I’m patting it slowly.  If it’s in the past, I’ll slowly…if you fell asleep and I was there, I would slow…well, this is why it’s a podcast; I would slowly back out of the room, then I would definitely tumble on some stuff.  Then I would probably sing the song I Tumble For You.  I Tumble For You.  Then hopefully I’d sing that in a low tone.  Then you say oh boy, now everybody else is awake.

 

Then you say, did you hire that story…?  I thought it was a podcast.  You said well, it was an add-on.  You’d come over.  That’s how I make you appreciate the podcast.  You say Scoots, I don’t know about this Sleep With Me podcast anymore.  I’d say well, invite me over to do the podcast in person and you’ll…believe me, you say…what do those…what did you have, Ritz-covered saltine crackers?  What are those crumbs?  I’ve never seen it…all those crumbs together in one place.  Is that birdseed?  Could have been.  I don’t know.  Well, do…that’s why…you say, what did you trip over?  Oh, I brought…I bring my own things.  I sprinkle Legos around the floor just to make you appreciate the podcast.  That’s why I do it.  It’s the only time I can imitate Homer Simpson, is when I’m…I have a handful of crackers and I’m putting crackers in my mouth, and I’m backing out of your room quietly.

 

That’s to keep my mouth from making any noises while I’m back…and then I step on those Legos.  What I thought was, you know, I try…they say don’t multitask but I figured if I ever had to be a quiet mover in the movies, if I was gonna be in one of those Mission Impossible movies, if they ever needed me…not that they would, but just in case they did, I want to be ready.  I said well, I’m gonna do this podcast over here.  Just in case your mission, should you choose to accept it, this…secrets, they’re gonna make…once again, they’re gonna make the Eiffel Tower into something.  I’m not sure if it’s a super-conductor or a giant Tesla coil that will erase all known knowledge on the earth and crash, whatever, all the databases.  Don’t take that idea and run with it, by the way, super-geniuses.

 

But yeah, the plans are in a room that’s very dark and covered in Legos.  Also, the only way…there’s also this other thing; the only thing that can confuse it is a sandwich of Ritz crackers and saltine crackers crunching and being dribbled along the room.  Oh, sorry.  I’m sorry; I’m here to do a sleep podcast.  Sorry, I got drifted off, there.  That’s why you don’t invite me over.  Just one of the reasons, one of the many reasons.  That’s why I come in podcast form.  What I’m gonna do, I got a safe place and none of that stuff’s there.  That’s what’s great.  Just this podcast.  It’s flexible.  You could set a sleep timer, you could listen to episode after episode, you could start it at thirty minutes tomorrow, whatever works for you.  But I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night.

 

I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents, so I’m gonna go off-topic which we’ve seen already, and not really go anywhere.  That would be if I was trying to back out of your room, but it’s not my room, so I might…if I’m backing out, you really should only back out of rooms you know the layout of.  I’d say well, how’d I get on this side of the bed?  Now I got an entire…now I gotta recross an entire room of Legos.  Maybe I should have worn shoes.  I say oh boy, not hard…anything but hardwood floors.  They say no, it’s laminate floors.  I’d say when it comes to Legos, it doesn’t make a difference.  I’m barefooted.  Also, they’re borrowed Legos, so I can’t…I couldn’t put shoes on any…even if I wanted to because then how would I return them in their original…?

 

Also, here’s the thing; if I wanted to do any product placement, if any companies are listening that aren’t Lego like Playmobil, Playmobil would fit in this image perfectly.  As a matter of fact, it would be even better ‘cause you’d say I’ve always wanted to play with those Playmobils.  I mean, I did with my daughter.  We got second…we got a…what do you call it?  Not a hand-me-down.  We were gifted pre-played-with Playmobil by my friend and sometimes listener, Evelyn.  Hopefully I don’t wake Evelyn up.  But so, let’s see, where was I?  Oh, so I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night, lulling, soothing tones, creaky, dulcet…pointless meanders, all to help you fall asleep, to take your mind off of stuff.

 

[00:10:00] If you’re new, here’s a couple of things to know; one, a lot of people don’t like this show when they first listen.  I would say most people, so that’s a normal…or you’re just not sure about it.  Give it a few tries, and that’s only to benefit you, is because this podcast is very different.  You don’t really listen to it, just like if I was there in person and we had a contingency where you said don’t bring any Legos or crackers, or just don’t bring anything except for a bedtime story.  Just sit there, and then also…nevermind.  We’ll just listen to…you say well, I’ll just listen to the podcast.  That’s easier.  Just barely listen, but just like you were calling a friend on the phone, or chatting with them or whatever.  You say, I’m not gonna listen, but you just tell me about your lunch and your nature walk.

 

It’s a podcast you don’t really listen to.  It’s also a podcast that doesn’t put you to sleep.  I’ll just keep you company while you fall asleep, so there’s no pressure.  The shows are over an hour or around an hour, so you got plenty of time to drift off.  If you can’t sleep, if you can’t fall asleep or you just can’t sleep at all, I’m here for you.  I’ll be here to the very end to keep you company.  That’s that, and this is gonna be a holiday…oh, so the structure of the show; yeah.  The structure of the show; the show starts off with a greeting.  Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, friends beyond the binary so you know you’re seen and welcome here.  Then it’s resources for the listener, then our Patreon and a sponsor usually, then more resources for the listener’s Supporter Zone, then an…that’s like six minutes, then the intro which goes from minute six to minute twenty-something.

 

The intro is separate from the business where I just kinda try to explain what the podcast is and I get distracted.  It’s like, I’m trying to explain what the podcast is for you, the new listener, but you…yeah, you, yeah, the regular listener, I’m trying to take your mind off of stuff every single episode in a new way that’s familiar so that your brain or your feelings or your emotions or your physical sensations can’t adapt, so I can keep taking your mind off of stuff.  The regular listener knows that this podcast, it just doesn’t work instantly.  It slowly works.  When it works, you don’t even notice.  So, the reason the intro in the beginning is twenty minutes is to ease you into bedtime.  You can fold the podcast into your bedtime routine however you discover works for you.  People use it in different ways.

 

Like I said, there’s about 2% of people that skip ahead to twenty minutes and start the show there, but for 98% of listeners, they’re using the intro as they’re getting ready for bed or as they’re in bed getting comfortable, or as they’re drifting off.  Just see how it goes.  That’s the intro.  Then there’s business.  That’s how we’re able to bring you the podcast free, then there’s our story.  Tonight it’ll be our episodically modular somewhat-serialized holiday soap opera, As the North Pole Turns.  We’ll be talking…it’ll just be…it’ll be very sleepy.  You say, it’s a soap opera?  I’d say well, it has soap operatic elements.  Heavy on the bubbles, I’d say.  Then there will be thank-yous, so that’s the structure of the show.  What else do you need to know?

 

Well, this is a podcast you don’t really…oh yeah, we said that; don’t really listen to it.  I think that’s it.  I mean, I make the podcast because I believe you deserve a good night’s sleep and that your world will be better if you get the rest you need, and that’ll make our world better.  It’ll just be nice, right, for everybody involved.  I also make it ‘cause I’ve been there on the other side, tossing, turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep, so I know how it feels and I’d love to help.  I think that’s it.  I’m really glad you’re here.  I really work hard.  I yearn and I strive.  I really hope I can help you fall asleep.  Thanks again for coming by, and here’s a couple ways I’m able to bring you this podcast twice a week.

 

Alright, everybody, it’s time for our episodically modular soap opera series which means it has repetitive seriality which means…which really underlines the fact that it’s episodically modular.  Only three episodes; you could listen to them in any order.  The character…this episode is hosted…it’s mostly dialogue.  I guess it’s led by…who’s that character?  I’m sorry, Claude Neon.  I wasn’t kidding, but that’s just how my mind works, Claude.  But yeah, so this is a…again, this is a episodically modular series set at the North Pole.  I think in Toy Town is the central location, but I don’t know.  It’s an elven story, so if you’re a fan of elves, you may enjoy this story.  Without further ado, I turn things over…oh, first…sorry, I forgot you were lying there, waiting.  First, our Hollywood announcer.  I mean, talk about a holiday treat.

 

What’s it like driving up five during…you know, that must be…give you plenty of time driving back and forth to just think about holiday things and good wishes and all the goodwill you’re gonna spread around the world.  Have you ever played Santa Claus?  Answer the question please on the mic.  This is Mr. Antonio Banderas.  Thank you, Scooter.  The ladies, the gentlemen, the boys, the girls, the friends beyond the binary, it’s time for As the North Pole Turns.  Whoosh.  Happy holidays.  Yes, Scooter, thank you.  I have played Santa Claus.  Yes, I have.  Ho, ho, ho.  Alright, thanks, Antonio.  Thanks for modulating your tones there, too.  This is As the North Pole Turns.

 

Alright, Claude Neon here.  I’m recording all this for posterity.  Let me just see if I could run through what the events thus far…I arrived at the North Pole after what is known as the Great Electric Slide to help research these events and to clear things up.  You may or may not know that I was a North Pole elf, but we don’t need to get into that, my personal stuff.  I’m here with Balsamica, the keeper of the melodrama here at the North Pole, or I guess stirrer of melodrama, and talking to myself in Balsamica’s presence so that Balsamica can use body language to steer me in the right direction as I recount the events of the Great Electric Slide and why I’m here and what is important for me to remember.  The North Pole had opened up a new electronics facility that was going to be up and running ideally for this holiday season.

 

The amazing thing was it was ready to go to produce electronic toys, electronic tether ball.  Oh, the year is…well, I don’t want to get too specific but some of you may be listening to this far in the future, so…remember the 1980s if you would, because that’s where I am right now.  It’s pretty cool; you might be in the future.  I don’t think you could listen in the past unless you have some sort of power I don’t know about.  Let’s see, where am I?  Oh, who am I?  Who, what; what happened?  So, they opened an electronics facility and it was a very efficient facility because the solid state electronics was more of an assembly facility which is a little bit different for the elves because…and it stirred up some controversy that we’re assembling solid state electronics, like mostly just putting parts together and not crafting a toy…but as part of this great accord they made with the lower world to maintain relevance in the face of multinational toy corporations.

 

Also, I’m using my official voice for this because I just…I thought I’d be official with you.  They opened the facility.  There’s mixed feelings.  Some elven workers were like hey, this is great.  I can make toys as a hobby and then assemble toys as my job.  There’s a smaller percentage.  They said well, I don’t really care.  This is easy.  Then it became a general…oh, this generation; they just want to assemble toys.  They don’t know…you know, those whole things, which none of that was really true.  You may be hearing something in my tone that simulates…these things happen sometimes in a dearth of leadership and I mean, a heart-based [00:20:00] empathy and compassion-based leadership where people begin to formulate into groups.

 

We say well, the younger kids…oh, those older elves, they don’t…they think they know every…those kind of things.  In the North Pole, we all know who’s the leader.  Now, there’s a Elven Leadership Council.  That’s different.  But you know, the leadership comes from the top.  The leadership just hadn’t been there.  But that’s not…I mean, I guess this…people would say well, you don’t even live here anymore Claude, so you…what do you know about Santa Claus or any of that?  We’re doing just fine.  We don’t need you coming back here, stirring up trouble.  But I said well, it seems like trouble stirred up and I got here just in time.  Now, I had arrived, actually, to look into something else, Abies, who we’ll be interviewing soon.  Okay, so the Great Electric Slide.  Electronics facility opened, ready to go into production.

 

Just a few days of production was all that was needed from this high-efficiency facility to introduce and fill the orders for this year’s electronic toys.  Now, next year, they had probably…the facility would have been ideally fully-functioning during the entire calendar year.  This year was just a teaser, but it was a large order.  But again, this was a large facility.  Procera, an elven person, an elven…a person of elven…an elf with very strong feelings disrupted this event and in the name of all that was decent and toy-filled with joy had…I guess and prepared in a way to use electromagnetism and glaciers and LEDs to open up a chasm and deposit the electronics facility in a chasm with a glacier on top, obviously rendering it no longer working.

 

Procera’s goal was also to wipe out all the knowledge that had been accumulated about solid state toys and the such.  That was mostly successful.  It was very dramatic or melodramatic, and Procera now is under observation because they said well, what do you mean?  You don’t remember doing any of this?  Then Procera said well, I have a twin.  Maybe it was my twin.  Which didn’t really quite come together because they said well, I’ll…anyway.  Procera…right now, it’s…all-or-nothing things really aren’t that important, whether Procera…the elves have…the elven people have a way to deal with that.  It’ll be dealt with after the holiday season.  Now, there’s a more pressing issue at the hand, but I think that’s all we learned last time.

 

Ingle Manny, Atlantica, Abies who were about to help, Depianna, all leaders in toy production here at the North Pole, and Balsamica.  What we’re gonna go do next, we’re…well, Balsamica’s gonna go into Abie’s room, timeout room, where Abies is having a timeout, and talk to Abies.  I’m here to kind of help.  Abies is a old family friend.  I’ll be honest, I gotta be…full disclosure at this point.  You know, I didn’t plan on returning to the North Pole but they said well, Abies has been…well, I think Balsamica will get to the bottom of all that.  But just what I needed to know to make sure I reminded myself is that Procera wiped out the electronics facility.

 

There is a underlying feeling…now there’s…oh boy, this is another piece of information I want to underline I understand; so, there’s…the glory nights of holiday season are the 24th and the 25th and then maybe the start of the season, Thanksgiving, which is celebrated in the US.  This happens in the lower world.  But here in the North Pole, there’s a lot of other days that have a lot bigger deals and one of those is the day that the sleigh is officially packed and all the other orders that are going to the toy companies are shipped out, but the last orders are delivered by Santa to the toy companies’ distribution points and also to selected individual children around the globe.  But that has to be done; you can’t just…even though the Hollywoodization that shows us packing the sleigh on the 23rd and 24th, that’s just not what happens.

 

There’s a critical day the sleigh has to be packed and that day is coming right up.  There is concern.  We don’t have the electronic toys, so that’s another underlying tension here today in the North Pole.  Balsamica’s looking at me and nodding, so Balsamica’s about to go into Abies’ room and talk to Abies who is…whose name I’m here to help clear, I hope, because otherwise my mom will not be happy with me.  Go ahead, Balsamica’s…now, I’m in a observation room, so I’m gonna listen in along with all of us.  Hey, Abies.  Oh, hey, Balsamica.  What are you doing here?  Are you here to help?  You here to get me outta here?  Why am I here, Abies?  Well, so, you know about everything that’s happened; the Great Electric Slide, they’re already calling it.  Yeah, I heard.

 

Procera really…I mean, come on, everybody knows Procera was kinda…saw the world in painted bold colors and didn’t…was very…okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, Abies, ‘cause what does someone say when they plant a seed and tree grows years later in the place of that seed?  Do they say huh, looks like that seed…they talk about the seed and the…that’s one of our traditions, evergreen growth cycle.  Sorry, I’m not following you, Balsamica.  You’re following me, Abies.  Come on.  You’ve been the one writing letters or writing these…what do they call…manifestos about toys, about electronic toys, about degradation of elven effort, of elven craftsmanship.  You’ve been talking about this long before electronic toys even came along.

 

But you said that these hand-held games were the last straw of…and you predict a future where just…there would be just a few elven toy craftspeople that are very obscure and are all…and then only people who’s…get…win the billions-to-one chance that Santa actually comes to their home or can buy toys that are built by…you know, I know…I’ve read everything you’ve written.  Oh, I guess you’re a fan, huh?  I respect it.  Actually, it was very well-written.  I would love to be in the room where it happens.  Well, I don’t know what you mean, Balsamica, because it’s just…I’m just there writing, writing, and writing.  Oh, sorry.  I was thinking of something else.  But yeah, you said this was the end of the elves.

 

You kind of…each one increased in intensity…you’d kinda point out the action figures and once we started producing action figures and figurines and dolls, plastic-based dolls, assembling those for the toy companies because of Ingle Manny’s packs, that that was it; that this is bad news for elves.  What would you expect someone like Procera to do with that kind of information?  Stop working, maybe?  Think about it and then think about what Procera…you’re saying Procera specifically or you said someone like Procera?  So, I’ll answer your question in that manner; is to think about things and wonder what do they want and what do they see for the future of the elven people?  I know there’s a great…the myths about…they say oh boy, what about Tolkien’s elves or what about these elves?

 

Maybe we should go see some of them.  There’s the elven seekers, but you know as well as I do that most people aren’t welcome [00:30:00] back after they leave.  That’s really what we’re here to talk about anyway, unless you have something…are you saying I conspired with Procera to do all this?  Because it really wouldn’t make any sense.  In fact, I was very…my attention…you know.  I mean, come on, let’s just talk about what we’re here to talk about, okay?  Instead of talking about…unless you’re talking about something else and I’m talking about something else.  Well, I just was wondering if you’re gonna take any responsibility for the fact that, you know, this is…you probably do need to take some responsibility for this, not that you have to take any public responsibility or suffer any consequences.

 

Everyone was fine except for the electronics facility, but I’m just wondering if you’re gonna think about anything and if you’re gonna think about stuff.  I’ve been thinking about it; I got nothing to do in here so, yeah, I’ve been thinking about it.  Yes, you’re right that…well, I don’t know.  I can’t control…I don’t know.  I’m torn, okay?  Yeah, I’m torn, but maybe I’m extra-torn because of my current situation.  I’m just wondering if you’re familiar…are you gonna let this happen?  Okay, well, I’m here because yeah, you’re…you’ve been accused of lying to Santa Claus and there are people trying to get to the bottom of it and help, but it is your word against Santa.  I mean, there’s only one…if it’s you and Santa, there’s only one side.  Santa’s word is the final word.

 

What Santa says, Santa says, is what you say, even as we were children.  What Santa says, Santa says, and Santa doesn’t say much, but Santa said you’re not telling the truth.  That means banishment from the North Pole forever.  I’m sorry, but I don’t see how we’re able to get to the bottom of this, either.  Do you know exactly what I lied to Santa about?  Believe it or not, I don’t.  I know Santa has said that you lied to Santa, Santa Claus, and to start the process and give you a timeout to think about it.  This would have been your last…during the timeout…traditionally, this rarely has happened but it has happened before.  There was a time…I mean, usually it’s in the cookie…the elves that eat the cookies or drink the milk situation.

 

They say no, Santa, I didn’t need the dogmas…that’s the most common one we’ve dealt with.  This is neither a milk nor cookie situation because it’s…you’re not on the Christmas Eve Watch List and…so, I don’t know what you lied to Santa about; just that Santa said you lied and to start the process which we’re at the tail end of the process of banishment.  You will…would be the first elf that didn’t admit they lied to Santa and then seek…so, no, but I don’t know, honestly.  It’s just…and yeah, you won’t be able to participate in the holiday joy which I feel terrible about.  I just want Abies…I just…we want to help.  I know your friends are reaching out on your behalf.  I mean, I know a lot of the workers identify with you but they also say well, this is separate from this labor relations stuff.  Well, yeah.

 

The funny this is that it’s not.  I mean, this is just a matter of Santa getting Santa’s way.  This is ridiculous.  Here’s the thing, Balsamica, I didn’t lie to Santa.  I told Santa the truth, okay?  I mean, if you don’t even know the lie…I mean, I think you do.  I think that’s why you’re dragging this out.  Isn’t this what you do?  Isn’t this your technique, the melodramatic technique to get to the bottom of stuff?  Because it’s just not…I told Santa the truth.  I guess that’s…I don’t know what else to say other than that.  Okay, so let me try to go…say yes to what you’re saying.  You told Santa the truth, so why would Santa say it’s not true that you lied?  It was a truth Santa didn’t want to hear.  It’s really that simple.  Okay, and was it about the electronic toys?

 

You were trying to tell Santa that…some truth about the electronic toys or about Procera and what Procera was doing that Santa didn’t want to hear?  Now you’re conveniently…is Santa using this as a convenient way to deal with this situation?  You could tell me that.  It would help me know what’s happening.  No, no, no, it has nothing to do with electronic toys or anything.  If I tell you, I can’t un-tell you or whoever else is here with you, so there’s no…this…I guess you’re melodramatic…okay, I’ll tell you what Santa’s saying I’m lying about.  Not what I’m accused of lying about, but why.  Well, can’t you tell me what you’re…no, ‘cause it’s already my word…okay.  Here’s what happened; underneath the mistletoe one summer night, Santa saw me kissing Mrs. Claus.  I’m sorry, what?

 

Yeah, that’s what happened.  Underneath the mistletoe one night, Santa saw me kissing Mrs. Claus.  Wait a second, so, you…whoa, you were kissing Mrs. Santa Claus?  Yeah, I was kissing Mrs. Claus, and there’s a lot more to it than just that.  Oh, somebody’s opening and closing…oh, hey, Ingle Manny.  Hey, Abies.  Hey, Balsamica.  I kinda got a situation here.  Don’t mean to interrupt.  You both seem like you’re…did I interrupt?  I wish I knew what I interrupted.  Do you want to tell me?  ‘Cause it seems like it’s pretty juicy.  No, it seems like you have something.  Yeah, we need Abies.  I have actually a sign-off for Abies to be…to come with me.  Okay, what is this about?  Well, we can’t…we gotta make our Christmas quota.

 

We’re really short and every department ran their numbers and we’re gonna be short.  We just cannot make it, and that would mean a bargain…we would have to choose either under-deliver toys Santa’s been…the raffle to Santa delivering the children of the world or under-delivering to the toy companies that would then violate our compacts which would have consequences for the North Pole that Santa knows about.  So, don’t say oh boy, what…all deals that Santa has signed off on and, you know, we could under-fill both or under-fill one, but we can’t fill…we need Abies.  Okay, well, what do you need Abies for?  Well, we need Abies to motivate…you know, Abies is a very motivating force with all the elves.

 

Abies is also an expert in traditional elven line production versus assembly line production which is similar but different.  Depianna has a theory that we could combine both styles of work and that Abies could weigh in a way that this doesn’t change…you know, that we also take some time…we’re gonna work in small groups to get the toy orders filled, I guess is what I’m saying.  Okay.  Yeah, that…well, okay.  I guess I’m fine with it.  Abies?  No, thank you.  What do you mean no thank you, Abies?  This is your chance.  Is Santa gonna take away the charge of lying to Santa Claus?  Is that what this is really about?  Santa is; Santa said yeah, this…if you get these orders filled, that all will be forgiven.  Well, all will be forgiven, [00:40:00] huh?  That’s Santa’s exact words.  I don’t believe it.

 

I believe that I’ll help and then what about the children of the world, Abies?  What about our…we want to keep the elves working, don’t we?  I thought that was what we…you and I have discussed over the years.  I know we’ve had our disagreements and our agreements.  Oh boy, have our agreements been good, eh, Abies?  Remember those?  Okay, let’s just focus on our disagreements for the time being.  Yeah, but I care about the children of the world.  I care about the…oh, also, I have…Mrs. Claus said that to sweeten the pot, she made your favorite cookies, the ones with the melted candy canes in them.  Oh.  She said you can only have them while you’re working on helping us save Christmas.  Okay, I’ll go…oh, there’s your daughter Atlantica opening and closing the door.  Hey everybody, it’s me.

 

Hey, Atlantica.  Hey, Atlantica.  Hey, Atlantica.  Hey, Atlantica.  Hey, everybody.  That was a lot of heys.  What are we, horses?  Balsamica, I need your help.  Okay, what do you need my help with?  Is it okay if everybody’s part of this?  Yeah, ‘cause we’re about to start working together.  Well, Procera got out of…Procera’s attached…we needed Procera to help with figuring this out as well, because Procera’s also an expert in a lot of these things that would have helped us get the toy orders filled by the holiday season.  When we were walking over to the TPT…the toy production distribution facility number four, Procera ran to town square and attached Procera’s self to the great ever-giving evergreen giving…tree of giving, evergreen…you know, the tree, the great tree, and really doing a lot of yelling and stuff like that.

 

Then we…yeah.  So, can you help with that?  Sure.  Okay, let’s…everyone, I’m gonna head out and go get Procera.  I’ll see everyone later.  Okay, okay, okay.  Okay, okay, okay.  Bye.  Okay, bye.  Okay, bye, everyone.  Oh, opening, closing, closing that door.  I may actually leave this door open just since everyone’s leaving anyway.  Opening…okay, let’s go out this other door, Claude.  That’s interest…so, wait a second, did Abies…was kissing Mrs. Claus underneath the mistletoe one summer night?  Yes, they were.  Okay, that’s interesting.  I got one other thing I was wondering about.  What’s that?  I think something is going on with Procera.  What do you think that is?  Well, I mean, let’s…we’re headed towards the tree, right?  Yeah.

 

So, we need Procera to help with this, and then Procera says oh, there…we’re already here?  Hey, Procera.  This is…Procera, this is Claude Neon.  Claude Neon, Procera.  Hi, nice to meet you.  Well, I’m…yeah, I’m…I’ve attached myself to this tree and I’ve decided not to help at all with the holiday stuff because after everybody just…’cause I don’t recall doing any of the stuff everybody said I did.  So, I’m just gonna stay attached to this tree and not help.  Okay, that’s…but Balsamica, let me handle this.  Why don’t you just observe?  Okay, Claude.  Okay, so, you’re not gonna do anything.  Yeah, I guess we don’t…we probably don’t need your help because you’re probably not the real Procera anyway, and we just have to find your twin, the actual, real Procera who will actually have some knowledge to be able to help us get this toy order filled.

 

So, could you just let us know where the real Procera is?  No, no, I can’t let you know where the real Procera is.  Okay, well, I guess what we’ll do is we’ll just move on without you and I mean, we really could use you.  I’ll be honest.  I know a lot of people miss you, ‘cause I’ve already been able to tell that you have some tight relationships with some of these elven leaders.  I don’t know if you really have a twin or not.  I’ll be honest; I don’t…at this point, it’s not my concern.  I have other things on my mind at this point.  I even am willing to put aside even my resistance to being a part of this…these North Pole traditions and push my sleeves up and get to work, because we only have a little bit of time to save Christmas.  In the end, that’s really what it’s about, but you could stay here.  That’s fine.

 

I’m pretty sure the call went out to every elf.  I mean, even Abies and Depianna are gonna be working together.  Atlantica will be there, Ingle Manny may be doing manual labor, even.  I’m sure that if every elf is…also, I’ll just be honest with you; we do have that new thing with…we can see elven body heat, right, from the sky?  They’ve been testing that out on Santa’s sleigh and the backup sleigh.  The sleigh is gonna be circling the North Pole.  If every elf is working to put toys together for the…to save Christmas or to save the Elven Toy Production Act of 1981 and 1980….17, whatever, 1978, or toy courts, whatever they called it.  You know what I mean.  The great thing is so far there’s been no other resistance.  There’s been people that have been a little curmudgeony.

 

We’ll be able to see where…we’ll find your twin because usually what happens in these twin situations…in the past, I’ve seen in the lower world is the twin that’s up…that’s stirring up trouble; no offense, but that seems to be what you’re doing.  Some would say stirring up good trouble, but it’s trouble nonetheless, dropping a glacier on a electronics toy facility.  I’m sure that the multinational corporations had it insured, but whatever.  That’s trouble whether…however you look at it.  But then they’ll be two signatures; your signature and then your twin’s signature.  If we don’t find your twin, if there’s only one signature, we could assume that you’re making it up or that your twin is lost…left the North Pole which we could then go back and check that to see all the exits from the North Pole in the last 30 to 365 days.

 

Then it’d be…could…you might end up being banned from the North Pole and then how are you gonna help everybody?  How are you gonna take…you know?  Okay, so, I don’t…what if I don’t have…so, ooh, you got me with that evil twin stuff.  Yeah, I…okay.  I’ll help, I’ll help, I’ll help.  Alright, let’s…there’s this…they’re thick snow storms.  Let’s go through the snow storm quietly, but very…oh, there’s that speed walkway, right, to get to the toy production facility on the other…oh yeah, we’re about to get on it.  Hey everyone, this is Claude Neon.  I just want to let you know that we got right to work, so I didn’t really…wasn’t able to bring you along because some of our…some of the…some of their…still the coverage of some of the techniques…I can…some of it I’ll be…it’ll be explained here because I’m about to go to the great…the sleigh is packed, so this is the biggest celebration in the North Pole.

 

Some would think that the 26th is a big day because…but it’s not.  This is the big one.  This is the big blow-out because the [00:50:00] sleigh is packed.  Yes, there’s still work to do, but you know, you see teams when they win the…before the championship, sometimes that party’s even bigger because…so, this is a big night of celebration, particularly tonight, so we’re…the celebration this year is in the toy production facility.  We got everything done and I’m gonna go and…I see Balsamica and Ingle Manny, so I’m gonna stand by them and listen in.  Oh, Ingle Manny.  Looking very functional in your dress tonight.  Thanks, Balsamica.  Yeah, I mean, I’m just glad we got everything done.  Even though people say that I’m just looking to please everybody or please the toy companies or you know, try to keep a…keep everybody happy which makes nobody happy, we really averted a big one here.

 

Now we’ll have time…I mean, the electronic toys are inevitable, right?  But we also have some extra leverage because I really…well, you heard me in my speech, but I really played up the fact that they…to the toy companies that we said well, we’re really weighing delivering…I made it…’cause well, we really want to keep the delivery of the toys to the children of the world, so we’re not gonna be able to fill all your orders which will leave you short for the last buying week of the season.  They weren’t happy about that.  I said well, there’s not much we could do other than say that no electronic toys will ever be made at the North Pole, so, I mean, that’s a good thing, I think.  In the end, I think while we’ll still be involved in elven employment for mass-production of toys that are not crafted…I never told anyone this, Balsamica, but when I look in your eyes and I wonder who crafted those eyes of yours, that I can lose myself in in a night like tonight, it makes me wonder who I am.

 

I feel like I’m flying in a sleigh above the clouds up high.  Oh yeah?  What were you gonna say, Ingle Manny, or just keep talking about my eyes?  I was gonna say that really, my underlying belief is that the mass-production of toys will spark a renaissance longer-lasting in high-quality elven-produced toys.  Yeah, but the problem is that there’s no…you know what I mean?  That not…that this is gonna…you know that that’s…it’s just not as simple as that.  I’m not talking about the toys; I’m talking about us.  Yeah, I know.  Oh, Atlantica wants to…excuse me, Balsamica.  Okay, I’m just gonna stand over here with Claude.  Hey, hey, hey.  How’s my favorite child?  Oh, Ingle Manny, I’m your only child.  I mean, I’m glad everything’s done.  Depianna’s really a hero, and I don’t know.

 

I mean, can I talk to you child-to-parent for a little while?  Yeah, you can.  Well, I think…I’ve just been thinking about things with Depianna and you know how with…that my feelings with Procera…I think…I don’t know.  You know what I mean?  Oh, do I know what you mean, Atlantica.  Feelings are complicated.  I know.  Well, let’s look at this way; why don’t you feel your feelings tonight but not think about your feelings tonight and just enjoy the party?  Feel your feelings.  Don’t think about them and don’t act on them, but let them…wait, so you were falling for Procera?  Yeah, maybe.  Okay, well, yeah, just try to enjoy the party and I’ll talk to you later.  Okay, Claude.  I’m going over to…Depianna’s talking with Abies and Procera.  They’re kinda being asked to recount their things.

 

We’re all waiting for Santa Claus’ arrival in the next few minutes.  Oh, so, tell us again, Depianna; how did you figure it…how did you end up…well no, it wasn’t me; it was you.  The idea of combining…I mean, luckily I had some of those solid state chips in my pocket and that enabled us to create the electronic assignment system that we could create the…combine, you know, elven work with the assembly line work.  But also the idea that making parts that would wear out, that the work that goes into making the parts is more work…the one-time-use parts.  More labor to make the parts than to just make toys was brilliant.  We needed it tonight.  I didn’t realize you had all those in your workshop.  Yeah, it was one of my ideas.  I didn’t think we’d ever…there’d be…I pitched it a couple times.

 

No one listened ‘cause they said okay, wait a second; so you put a…you used some of your experimental work for us to create auto-assembly line parts that could help assemble toys in a situation just like this, but when the part…the parts eventually wear out from use and the actual labor to remake those parts is more than just using…making the toys the parts would make.  Yeah, it was a idea…yeah, it was…I mean, I guess thank you.  It was an idea that was before its time ‘cause those parts had been waiting to be used for years, actually.  I mean, more on the assembly line with the action figures and dolls when I was…they said well, we could…why don’t we just have a automated assembly line?  Luckily, we got through those accords together.

 

Procera, I’m sorry; I do have to talk…I mean, Depianna, I’m happy to have you listen in.  I see Balsamica, also, and Claude Neon listening in.  I’m sorry, Procera, that I was so strong in my tone that maybe you got caught up in stuff and maybe…just like my thing was ahead of its…I don’t know.  I want to apologize but it worked out because now we’re in…Ingle Manny said we’ll never have to make electronic toys unless something unforeseen happened, like the electronic toys advanced in a way…but hopefully we’ll never have to make electronic toys, so that’s good.  Yeah, I mean, I try…oh, Santa Claus is coming.  Believe it or not, between the three of us, I tried to frame everything on imaginary…I made up that I had a imaginary twin and I almost had them…but sometimes I feel like I do have a twin; it’s just a twin inside me, ‘cause I don’t know what…normally, that’s just outside…doing all that planning and stuff wasn’t my…so, you made up an imaginary twin?

 

Yeah, yeah.  You like that, Abies?  I do.  Excuse me, I gotta go talk to Santa about the…how this whole hubbub is, and I wanted to thank Santa and Mrs. Claus.  Okay, go ahead.  Oh, hello, Mrs. Claus.  I was gonna talk to Santa.  He doesn’t want to…it’s probably not a good time.  Yeah, how are you?  Thanks for the cookies.  They really were really, really sweet.  Thanks for saving Christmas, Abies.  Yeah, I feel the same way.  The cookies were sweet and I made them for you.  Has Santa still been acting like…?  Yeah, it’s been going on for years, but there’s…you know, it’s…[01:00:00] I almost felt like Santa was hoping that you wouldn’t be able to figure it out and maybe that it…because you didn’t lie.  I do love you.  I know he said that was a lie.  I know I sold him it was a lie, so he believed it because of me, and I…unintentionally, I did that to…I’m sorry for that.

 

It’s okay, he made me those cookies and I knew what the cookies meant.  But yeah, there’s Santa; Santa’s ready to make a speech about it.  Look at…even in his face, you can see that his bowl isn’t full of jelly anymore and I don’t know, it’s just not the person…I didn’t sign up for the last five or six years of this.  Wait a second, the last five or six years?  That’s when things changed, huh?  Yeah, I mean, that’s when the toy accords, the change…Ingle Manny…but it’s not Ingle Manny’s fault.  Santa’s the one that…I don’t know.  Maybe it’s just me, you know?  I’m stuck.  I know you are, but I’ll be here and we could get through this together, separately but together when we can find the time, Mrs. Claus.  Wait a second, I just thought of something.  What?  Right when Santa takes the mic, I’m gonna do something.

 

Okay.  Abies, what are you about to do?  Oh, sorry Claude, I got a…wait, Santa?  Before you start speaking; I know the mic’s turned on.  I just wonder if I could apologize for…I know we had a misunderstanding and most people don’t know what the misunderstanding was about.  Yes, Abies.  Ho, ho, ho.  Go ahead.  I’m not gonna…that’s between us, right?  But I did have one question for you, Santa.  Oh, this is the best time to ask for forgiveness, Abies.  There’s no night better to ask for forgiveness, and the answer is yes.  No, Santa; I was wondering…because it looks like you have the sleigh ready to go.  Oh, yes, I was gonna take it for a spin.  We got the doors open and the…Rudolph and…you know, most of the reindeer are there.

 

Oh, one second; Procera seems to be interrupting somebody, that Claude Neon next to you, but go ahead, and then I’ll wait.  I’m Santa but I can still wait.  Claude, it’s me, Procera.  Yeah, Procera?  Did you really send up the sleigh to look around for thermal imaging to see if I actually did have…or were you making that up?  Believe it or not, I was doing both.  I sent up the backup sleigh to take thermal imaging just in case you did have a twin and you were here, that every elf is in attendance and now Santa and Mrs. Claus are here.  I did do it but just as a backup.  Plus, I like to keep to my…thank goodness.  Why, Procera?  Oh, Santa’s ready to keep speaking.  Anyway, Abies, what was your question?  Santa, are you not Santa Claus but Santa’s twin?

 

Quite possibly an…a twin that would be spelled similar to Santa or a twin that doesn’t have our…the elven or the Christmas best intentions in their heart?  Is that why you’re looking at us so confused now, Santa?  Are you not Santa but Santa’s twin?  Ho, ho, ho.  Good day to you all.  Holy cow, this is Claude Neon; Santa just ran offstage glaring, hopped in the official sleigh full of toys and headed off and into the sky.  Now, the only thing…the good thing to know, because everyone here is kind of…I’m pretty sure that wasn’t Santa Claus but Santa’s twin…and just took off in the sleigh full of all the toys to be delivered to the toy companies and the children of the world.  There’s no backup sleigh full of toys and I’m not sure this ever happened before.

 

Now, the good news is…’cause everyone’s lying down because that was so intense, you had to be here.  It feels totally calm to me.  That’s how elves deal with stuff; they say oh, all will be well.  We’ll figure it out.  One of the other things about the…one of the secrets of the holiday season and why the sleigh has to be packed so early is the reindeers’ magic.  It kind of works like an ionic…I don’t know if you’ve ever seen those ionic space engines where it’s…they slowly have to circle the North Pole.  I think it’s about twelve hours.  I mean, mostly they’re…now, the reindeer aren’t working the whole time.  They work in shifts.  It’s much more complicated than they show in the movies and also a lot of it’s on the…because of the rotation of the earth and some sort of other ionic energy.

 

I’m not on the tech team here at the North Pole, so I don’t know how the sleigh works.  The backup sleigh is coming in with its thermal imaging, but I don’t think that’s gonna help us at all.  But really, the sleigh has to circle the North Pole for about twelve hours to build up momentum to…because the sleigh’s actually heavy.  We’re all gonna rest for about eight hours here, all of us together, and hold hands, great elven hand-holding which is one of the few things I missed about living at the North Pole.  Balsamica, can I hold your hand?  Yeah, I’m holding Ingle Manny’s hand but I can hold you with my other hand.  Atlantica, could I hold your hand?  Actually, I’m holding…I can’t.  I don’t have an extra hand.  Depianna, could I hold your other hand?  You can, Claude.  Thank you.  So, we’re gonna close our eyes and get some rest.  Goodnight, everybody.

 

[END OF RECORDING]

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