903 – We Fix Space Junk | Tribute Crossover

EPISODE 903 – We Fix Space Junk | Tribute Crossover

 

[START OF RECORDING]

SCOOTER: Alright, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and friends beyond the binary, it’s time for the podcaster who’s trying to create a safe space where you could sleep in with tonight’s crossover episode, patrons, of the podcast We Fix Space Junk.  Soon you’ll be saying Scoots, what…I’d say, what am I…?  Then I’d say yeah, it’s time for Sleep With Me, the podcast you enable for me to make to put you to sleep.

 

INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing?  Trouble getting to sleep?  Trouble staying asleep?  Well, welcome.  This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  We do it with a bedtime story.  Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play.  We’re gonna do the rest.  What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever is keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts you’re thinking about like things on your mind, maybe your brain’s doing something; calculating, remembering, predicting, anticipating, other stuff, or just interrupting you.  This is a distraction from your brain distraction ‘cause here’s the thing, every brain…every time my brain distracts me, it seems like it’s a high priority.  Do we have any sandals?  Can you look that up?  I say wait a second, I’m trying to get this project done.  Well, I’m just wondering if we have any…do you think any sandals are on sale?

 

Because we…I mean, wouldn’t some sandals be nice right now?  It’s really important to me.  I say well, this is important to me to get this work done.  I’m in the middle of a podcast intro, believe it or not.  I can see your point about those sandals, though.  My brain would say well, do you know what a Sandals Resort is?  I’ve heard of that and I’ve seen the ads, but I don’t really know what that is.  Could you look it up?  Maybe there’s some deals on Sandals Resorts or Club Med.  You know those things?  I’ve heard about them on TV and movies but I don’t really know what they are.  I say okay, well, what about this…oh boy, I mean, what do you think?  Don’t you think this would be a good time to look that up, though?  What if we just go to the Wikipedia?  Well, I say, but I’m going to bed.  In this case, I’m making a podcast intro.  Usually, you’re saying that while I’m going to bed.  Now you’re saying it when I was trying to make an example of it, but then you took me off-topic.

 

You’re right though, that isn’t…I think they’re all-inclusive.  This is just my guess; either one of those, they may be separate things, but I think they’re a corporation that makes all-inclusive resorts.  But that’s all I know.  Okay, we’d know more though, if you looked it up, and if you saw if there was any specials or anything.  Maybe they got a newsletter.  Maybe there’s a blog about it, like an unofficial blog with reviews and deals.  Remember that time?  Okay, anyway, great examples.  You did a good job.  That’s thoughts, feelings, any feelings that are coming up for you.  They might be emotions, longing in forlorn emotions for deals and information or past regrets, or other things.  I don’t want to put too many words on it.  Those might not even be feelings.  I’m not sure.  Wondering; is that a feeling, you think?  Wondering if we’re gonna find out more?  I don’t know if wondering’s…I know I have a feeling when I say I wa-wa-wonder why you’re still bringing up Sandals Resorts which aren’t even a sponsor of the show, and the time recording this, there’s 0.0 chance of us resorting at all.

 

But I gotta…so, thoughts, feelings, physical sensations.  If you’re experiencing anything physical that’s…I’m here to take your mind off of the stuff.  It could be any other things; changes in schedule, routine, noise, partner noise, weather, or just mystery stuff.  Oh boy, that mystery stuff.  It keeps me awake, or dreams, or stuff that you say well, I just woke up.  Whatever it is that’s keeping you awake, I’d like to take your mind off of that, and the way I’m gonna do it is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night.  I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones.  Oh-so creaky are my dulcet tones, almost…yeah, like a sandal on an ancient dock going out to a cabana or bungalow.  You’re so right, sandals brain.  Yeah, we’d be creaking a lot less if we had those sandals that you’re imagining right there.  For sure; you’re always correct with that.  Thoughts, feelings…what was my point?  Oh, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders.  You’ve already got a few of those early.

 

I guess that was more of a superfluous tangent.  I’m not sure.  But I’m gonna go off-topic, I’m not gonna make a lot of sense, and that’s all to take your mind off of stuff while you fall asleep.  Now if you’re new, a few pieces of information; this is a podcast you don’t really listen to.  That’s the first thing you need to know.  You can kind of barely listen.  Usually, the first time, that’s not possible because you’re not really…it’s not really conducive to the first time.  You say well, I’m just trying to figure out what you’re doing and see what you’re up to.  How are you gonna put us to sleep?  What’s the story?  When do you get to that?  I say okay, I’ll explain all that, but usually it’s best to look at this podcast as if you were, yeah, like on a dock looking at the water.  You never know what the water’s gonna look like.  You say oh boy, my sandals part is saying well, is that a turquoise or is that aquamarine?  I’d say well, it just depends on the time of day you’re out here and the surface of the water.  Let’s just take it in.

 

The podcast is a bit like that, where you say well, what’s the water like?  Is it choppy or is it tranquil?  You say well, I don’t really know.  It’s just water.  It’s moving.  Small waves, maybe?  I don’t know.  Are small waves choppy?  I don’t know what to tell…this is…this podcast is a bit like that.  You say well, it’s not clear.  Just listen loosely.  The other thing to know is that it takes two or three tries to get used to this podcast, for most people, maybe 80%, 90%.  Also, that’s just a number that I’m guestimating.  Millions of people have said to me, and I’m not kidding, it took two or three tries before I got used to the podcast, and then I started listening on a regular basis.  Give it a few tries.  It is free and it’s here, so give it a shot and see how it goes, or give it a couple tests and see how it goes.  Oh, the other thing is this podcast really isn’t here to put you to sleep.  It’s just here to keep you company as you fall asleep.  I’m more here to be your bedtime companion, your bore-bae, your bore-bud, your bore-sib, your bore-bestie.

 

I’m just here to keep you company while you drift off.  It’s a little bit different.  I’m your companion to distract you from whatever is keeping you awake.  It’s a podcast you don’t listen to, it’s a sleep podcast that doesn’t put you to sleep, and it never gets to…it barely gets to any points.  Also, it doesn’t really work on the first few times you use it.  If you’re still with me here after that pitch…I mean, I do have a sandal brain, so that…is that anything like a horseshoe crab?  Do you think there’s any…do you think there’s a place at the Sandals Resorts or the Club Meds that we could observe horseshoe crabs at a distance?  Also, here’s a question; do you think a horseshoe crab and an armadillo would be friends?  Well, that’s the best…that’s probably the best thing I’ve ever heard in the podcast intro, ever.  You’re probably…wow.  I don’t know, but I’d like to think they would be.  They’d have a lot of stuff to relate about, right?  Right?  But they’d also have things that…and I think there’s a metaphor there because they’re both…they say well, we’re both really soft on the inside, just like all of us are.

 

But you say, what’s it like having an exoskeleton?  I’d say, I don’t know.  What’s it like having a shell and a…whatever the…whatever’s not an internal one?  Well, it’s got its ins and outs, if you know what I’m saying.  I say, was that a pun?  What’s it like having that…we both have tails but they’re much different.  Okay, how do we get to that point?  Oh, I was just wondering if that was something…maybe that could be a musical at one of the resorts.  Maybe, it could be.  But I gotta get back to the new listener.  Oh, so, whoa, I forgot what I was gonna say.  Oh, podcast you barely need to listen to.  A couple other things to know if you’re new; one, is the structure of the show is very different, too.  Let me tell you about that really quick if I can, but I’m never very quick.  Show starts off with a greeting.  Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, friends beyond the binary, so ideally you feel welcome and seen.  You say well, this could be a safe place for me.  I’ll have to see.

 

But at least my initial skepticism…I’ll check it out and see how it goes.  That’s the greeting.  Then there’s business, and that’s just how we’re able to bring you this podcast twice [00:10:00] a week.  Over 900 episodes so far I’ve been able to make, because the people…because of the business that keeps the show going.  Then there’s the intro.  Now, the intro throws a lot of people off that are new because it’s around twelve to twenty minutes long of me rambling.  But you could see what happens.  I try to do that…welcome to the podcast, put you to sleep but take your mind off of stuff, you’re welcome here, give it a few tries, structure of the show.  But then I think about…then I have different parts of my brain that say hey, come over here.  Let’s look at these…then one, I’m being…here’s the thing; you’re with me.  I probably took your mind off of stuff just by thinking about…how nice would it be if an armadillo and a horseshoe crab were friends?  I’d say, what if they were best friends, too?

 

Yeah, and they’d say let’s go under here.  Maybe they would learn about each other.  They say well, what do you eat?  Then the armadillo may say, are you familiar with grubs?  The horseshoe crab would say are you familiar with the grubs of the sea?  They’d say, no.  Then they probably would sing A Whole New World or something like that.  But so, that’s what the intro is, is me going off-topic as I introduce the podcast.  That’s what it is for new listeners.  Now, my regular listeners, what up?  Now, you’ve never heard me pair up an armadillo and a horseshoe crab before, but I’ve definitely talked about either one of those by themselves.  But so, for the regular listener, the intro is part of…80%, 90% of…I don’t know.  What did I say?  2% of listeners skip the intro.  But so, for a lot of listeners, they either fall asleep during the intro or it’s part of their wind-down routine, whether they start it before they get into bed or after they’re in bed.  It eases you into bedtime.

 

That’s why the intro is twelve to twenty minutes long, is to get you away from the day and just to help you unwind, so whether you start the show before you get in bed or after.  That’s why so many people listen to the intros during the day when they need a break at work or when they need to focus at work, but they need a mild distraction.  That’s why the intro’s so long.  It’s just me going off-topic for your benefit.  It’s something I’m good at.  You say, what was that poem about footsteps and armadillos and horseshoe crabs?  It said, the longest set of…three set of footsteps ever was me following…I said, I’d follow you two forever just to see what you talk about and what you do.  Those were my footsteps behind you, listening in and observing.  But it would only be on the wall of the horseshoe crab and the armadillo, watching you with both interest and envy.  As you walked along the beach, I walked behind you.  Then when you told me to carry you, I said armadillo, I don’t know you that…you two are best friends.  Figure it out.  I gotta go.  That’s the intro.

 

Then there’s business, then there’s a story.  Tonight, it’ll be a crossover episode with We Fix Space Junk, a fiction…a serialized fiction podcast that I love, and creators I love.  But so, that’s what the…so, we’ll do a tribute kind of episode of their first two episodes.  Then there’s some thank yous at the end of the show.  That’s the structure of the show.  The only other thing you really need to know is that the reason I make this show is because you deserve a good night’s sleep.  You deserve a place of respite, a place where you can unwind, get comfortable, and drift off.  That’s what I’m here to provide, is a place for that.  The reason I want to is because you deserve a good night’s sleep, and because I’ve been there.  You deserve a good night’s sleep and your world and our world will be a better place if you get the rest you need.  I know how it feels tossing, turning, mind…I mean, obviously.  You say, wait a second, this all started from wanting to know more about some TV-based resorts.

 

But then you say well, what a wonderful thing; we made two friends in there.  Why not take those…talk about the path…you say, the path never taken.  But if that was an option path, I think we could all agree, or most of us…because I really…I realize that for some people, armadillos or horseshoe crabs, you might say no, no, no, I’d prefer them to stay out of my safe place.  We say okay, well, they will.  Don’t worry.  But for a lot of people you say wait a second, I could follow a horseshoe crab and a…that’s our resort.  It’s called Wearing Sandals While You Follow A Horseshoe…it’s…yeah, just follow them and you listen in.  They talk about stuff.  It’s a dream, a dream come true.  That’s it, that’s why…I mean, I guess that’s the structure of the show.  That’s why I make the show, and I really appreciate you checking this show out.  I work very hard.  I yearn and I strive, and I want to help you fall asleep, so thanks again for coming by, and here’s a couple of ways we’re able to bring you this podcast twice a week.  Thanks, everybody.

 

Alright, everybody, it’s Scoots.  I’m the announcer, and this is our crossover episode of We Fix Space Junk by Beth Crane.  This is Episode 1, Escape from Hargan IV, so settle in.  You could find We Fix Space Junk in wherever you consume your fodcasts or podcasts.  We Fix Space Junk, or at battlebird.productions.  All that’ll be in the show notes too, as I slowly…make my voice slow down.  My creaky, dulcet tones are almost like theme music as you settle into a place and you hear clanging doors, steps on a metallic floor.  Far in the distance, you say, is that the sound of a harmonica playing?  Someone in a room playing a harmonica?  No, that’s not a creature stirring; it’s a door a-whirring open.  Then you hear something…hey, hey, Samantha, Samantha.  Hey, Samantha.  Go away, I’m trying to go back to sleep.  I’m not signing anymore autographs for staff.  Samantha, it’s me.  It’s Fabio.  We’ve only got ten minutes.  We gotta go.  Fabio?  Yeah, it’s me, Fabio.  I came back for you.

 

I told you I would.  Come on, come on.  Your door’s already open.  You gotta go this way.  Fabio, is that snoring I hear?  Is that man on the floor sleeping on a metallic floor?  That’s one of the guards, snoring.  Yeah, yeah, he’s asleep.  That’s why he’s snoring.  He’s fine.  Just step over him.  But he’s drooling, an abnormal amount of drooling.  Did you use some sort of sleep solution that…is that a natural sleep or…?  He just seems…a really deep sleep, and a lot of drool.  Maybe you should put a water by him or something.  Samantha, as Fabio, I’d say, he was already asleep when I got there.  He’s just sleeping very soundly.  I don’t know why they would hire a guard that sleeps so soundly, but that guard is sleeping soundly.  See, I’m talking in my non-regular voice, Samantha.  Do you want to go?  I was here to rescue you.  Or do you want to stay here?  Come on.  Okay, okay, Fabio.  Fabio, you know, Fabio…I Fabio…oh, whereto art thou Fabio?  Samantha, can you stop?  I hear footsteps running.

 

That’s probably the guards that aren’t asleep, and they’re coming our way.  Let’s also run as our footsteps fade into the night.  Now, you see a wide shot of a yellow spaceship that looks a bit like a yellow submarine.  But then it fades and you hear the static, and then the dot, dot, dot of a news report.  AUT News, news on the hour, every hour.  We’ve got someone live at the scene.  Go ahead.  Thanks for joining me right outside the courthouse where Miss Samantha Trapp was due to stand trial.  For Miss Trapp, this last six months has been a rollercoaster.  Formally a member of the social elite with a social media following of millions, and a nightlife I think we’ve all envied at one moment or another, especially Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights, and [00:20:00] brunch on Sundays.  Twice on Sundays, we…oh, wait a second, I’m getting a update.  Oh, that’s why you cut to me live?  I was supposed to lead with the update.  Sorry about that.

 

I was trying to dramatically introduce the update.  It appears that Miss Trapp, once again, confounding the stereotype of a socialite, has escaped the infamous Hargan IV Prison where she was being held prior to her trial.  She left behind three…no, four guards sleeping so soundly, they experienced mild dehydration because they were drooling very grossly, according to reports.  She also disabled the alarms and security measures surrounding her room, and fled.  She’s being reported as willing to scorn and extremely…furrowed brow, and you should not approach her.  Just tell on her from a distance.  Clickety-clack, shut that radio off.  Crunchety-crunch.  Ooh, this crisp is really, really good.  Would you like one?  No, I would not like one.  This box, it looks pretty suspicious to me.  Crispety-crisp.  Of course it looks suspicious.  If it was innocuous, I could move it myself.  You’re a smuggler.  You smuggle things.  The whole point is that the packages look ordinary.  This crate just screams ‘fleeing heiress’.

 

It’s too big, it’s too new, and it’s much, much, much too stylish.  There’s nobody that transports cargo on polished tigerwood crates.  Listen, please, please, we got no other choice.  We’re desperate.  Desperate people are my favorite kind of client.  Have you done all the paperwork at least?  Yes, I have.  I have done all the paperwork.  Okay, so that’s a third of the payment now, and then the other two-thirds when we get to the Crab Nebula.  Otherwise, I’ll be crabby in that Crab Nebula.  Well, that’s great.  I’ll have time to prove her innocence by then.  Yeah, yeah, sure you will.  The payment’s already been set up?  Yes.  You’ll get your money, so as long as she’s safe and sound at the end.  Okay, but just so we’re clear, you got…you’re gonna make the payment?  Because you know what happens if you don’t pay up.  It’s out of my hands.  I’ve read the contract.  Can we please hurry this up?  I don’t want to get caught by customs at the last minute.  Okay, I just wanted to check, though.

 

Have you read every single page of the…’cause some people just scroll through it, and then they click ‘I acknowledge I’ve read and agree’, but this is not a…you didn’t just scroll through the contract, because I want to make sure you understand every page of the contract because, you know, it’s a contract; you’re committing…if you haven’t read the contract and you enter in the contract, contractually…you know what I’m saying?  Do you understand?  Have you read all the pages of the contract?  Because, again, I just wanted to check ‘cause personally, I’ve signed quite a few contracts, unfortunately, in my time.  The first few I scrolled right through, just like everybody else does, but not anymore.  Oh no, no, no.  No, not anymore.  Not anymore.  It’s good to know what you’re letting yourself in for.  Don’t worry about it.  Yeah, you two take the crate up there, go ahead.  Man, this is one heavy crate.  This is a socialite in here?  No, no, no, she’s in the other crate.  Well, what’s in this crate?  Luggage, obviously.

 

We could only do the basics, though.  That’s why there’s only one extra crate.  No, no, no, put that crate…I’m putting this crate down.  You paid for one person, so my ship is fueled up and stocked for one person, not a crate full of…what is even in here?  What is this stuff?  Is that an ostrich feather?  Is that Lemay?  Holy moly.  Okay, yeah, clearly, you’re not living the haute couture lifestyle.  We’re paying you well enough to take this stuff with you.  We’re paying you very well.  You’re paying me the cost I’ve charged you.  I mean, I have my own subsidiary costs.  Well, could you give me a breakdown of all your subsidiary costs?  No, no, no, you already signed the…I’m taking…here’s what you signed in the contract; one person and one small suitcase.  I have something by the front door.  It’s gotta fit in that square thing…rectangle, whatever.  You could think of me as the spirit…easy spirit ways of space travel business, smuggling included.  Also, no snuggle…I won’t be snuggling her, either.

 

There’s no snuggling, except she is probably snuggled in there.  Yeah, but we don’t do budget travel.  Think of it as more of minimalist travel, minimal distractions.  She’ll get to know herself really, really well.  Okay, so let’s take this crate off and…okay, I guess we could grab this other…she’s not gonna be happy about this.  She needs her stuff.  Okay, she’ll live, and I do have enough water and supplies for her, unlike those guards that experienced mild dehydration from the drooling.  I’m gonna set this crate…oh, did she just make an ‘oof’?  You gotta get off my ship, anyway.  Okay, excuse me one second.  Goodbye my love within the crate.  My heart is within your crate, my dear.  But my heart was…is within me, but it’s within you.  While it’ll just feel like a mere second for you, for me it’ll be an eternity.  By the way, I have an ode here I prepared for you.  Let me get it out.  Excuse me, no…Fabio is your name or something?  I don’t know.  Whatever you call yourself, there’s no time for odes.

 

I’m closing the doors now.  We’re departing.  Good day.  You could send your ode by…through your heart.  Use your heart communicator to send it.  Oh, as the doors close, I open up my heart to you, my dear, in an…oh, the door’s closed and now you cannot hear that voice or inside the spaceship known as the yellow submarine.  Holy mackerel, this is…gonna cover this crate up with another thing.  The things I have to do for this job.  Oh, now there’s someone knocking on the hatch.  Who is it?  It is customs outside.  Thanks, DAX.  Okay, sorry, I’m just leaving.  I’m just in a bit of a hurry.  I’ll be with you, customs, in one second.  DAX, can you do something?  I can try.  Oh, hi.  So, you’re with customs?  What can I help you with?  Yeah, I’m with customs.  Can I please enter the ship, ma’am?  Ma’am?  Did you just call me ma’am?  Not even my mother was a ma’am.  Is that some sort of authority move…power move?  Okay, good afternoon, young lady.

 

We’re here checking all outgoing cargo ships for strange packages and heiresses due to a high level of smuggling in the area.  This is a random search.  Yeah, random search, huh?  How did you know I was a ma’am or a young lady, then?  Well, I did think it was a little strange, a woman traveling all on her own in a big ship like this.  Did you pack the cargo yourself, mum?  Yes, I packed the cargo myself.  Really?  How did you do that?  These crates are large…or you didn’t…could you take a look at me, please?  I have the wonders of cyborg technology at my proverbial now fingertips.  Oh, okay.  Okay, I’m gonna tap this crate with my foot.  What’s in there?  Oh, that’s army boots.  Well, formally army boots, and now they’re army boots for orphans.  I’m taking them to the Sisterhood of Jupiter’s 17th Moon.  [00:30:00] Army boots for the orphans?  Oh, well, they render it into a nutritious dish.  Slow-cooked, they say.  Slow-cooked stewed boots.  Have you ever had stewed boots before?

 

Stewed army boots, I mean, not exactly appetizing when you see it on a menu.  I don’t know if they call it stewed army boots there, but they have a song they sing, Stewing Up the Boots.  But anyway, it’s…yeah, for the orphans.  Okay, let me just open this box and just give it an inspection.  Oh, my goodness, it is army boots.  Oof, they could use some rendering, holy moly.  Yeah, I told you so.  I just picked them up.  They’re on the manifest.  Just so you know, Automnicon is…we’re just doing our bit here for the less fortunate.  Did you say you’re from Automnicon?  Yeah, you didn’t see the sticker on my windshield?  Oh boy, no, no, no, I didn’t.  Yeah, I guess my window’s a little bit dirty.  I mean, maybe you couldn’t see it there.  Sorry, I guess my mum instincts aren’t up to snuff.  Okay, well, you just have a nice day, now.  Okay, so I can go about my business now?  You can, but yeah, go on.  I don’t want to submit a…yeah, yeah.  Yeah, you could go.  Can I go?  I didn’t even mean to inspect the ship.

 

Okay, go ahead, go ahead.  I don’t want to…yeah, I don’t want to have to submit any reports to my supervisors about any delays.  It’s hard enough to say Automnicon, but they…I know they don’t like delays.  Well, that wasn’t very nice.  Okay, well, he was not very nice, himself.  He was custom-splaining me, and I think he was gonna ask to see the man of the ship or something.  That would be you, in some sense, but…just because of your voice, but…okay, now I’m trying to…when…you know, I wish we never changed over to this push-button starter ‘cause I’m pushing it and it’s not…come on, you pile of J-U-N-K.  Okay, can you please not press the starter repeatedly and hold it down like that?  I don’t take it out on you when you park badly.  Okay, sorry about that.  Can we spruce up your…can you up your personality level like in that movie?  Okay, the ship has started.  I will work on getting a…oh, you want me to have a…spruce your personality.  How much sprucer would you like me?

 

I’ll get a nano-service while you’re in cryo.  That’ll give me something to do in those long, lonely months.  Well, I’m sorry, DAX.  I can’t stay awake to keep you company while you go through space.  You’re a computer.  You’re not supposed to get lonely.  Now, could you please at least renew the Netflix account or text somebody or somebody that has a actual Netflix account?  It’s been expired for four months.  I almost went H-A-L and said good morning Dave, that whole thing, because I was so bored.  I don’t even know…why can’t we have a warp drive, again?  Okay, you know why, and I don’t know if I meant…when I meant ‘change your personality’, I didn’t mean whiny child.  Okay, okay, anyway.  Yeah, this is Yellow Submarine.  Repeat, this is Yellow Submarine calling.  Are we clear for takeoff?  I’m calling over the radio.  Yes, Yellow Submarine, this is Kilo-Romeo-Yankee-Sierra-Niner-Fiver-Forty-Fifty-Duke-French-Calamari-Cheese-One-Two-Fiver-Omega-Omnicron-Beta-Keratina, and…yes, you are clear for takeoff, Niner.

 

Okay, thanks pal, I’ll see you next time as our ship flies off and into space.  Okay, I gotta go deal with…I’m knocking on your crate.  Hello?  Can you hear me?  Do-do-do, I’m knocking on your crate.  Can you hear me in there?  Yes, I can hear you.  Are you gonna let me out or what?  Yeah, here you go; crate top’s off.  You must be Samantha.  Oh, yeah, I did doze…oh my goodness, is that a solid state face?  What is yours, a soft tissue…okay, it’s…I’ve just never seen craftsmanship work like this.  Well, I’ve never seen work like yours, Samantha.  It’s quite lovely.  Yeah, well, mine is different.  I’ve just never met a…what do you call it again?  A robo…I mean, one of my friends, they had a robotic hand, but it was ironic.  It was for style.  I think you know the word, Samantha.  You could say it.  Sorry, but it’s just…it never…which do I look in…is that a camera or an eye on that side?  ‘Cause I’m just not sure.  Okay, let’s just get it all out there.  I’m a cyborg.  It’s fine.

 

Okay, but could you tell me, how does one become…did you become a cyborg all at once or piece by piece?  Okay, some things happened.  Can we just leave it?  Well, what things?  Well, let’s see, I was working.  Working?  Also work-related, work-related, work-related.  Nature-preserver related.  Do you need me to go on?  Oh, okay, you look like you’re speechless.  Yeah, no, that’s good enough.  Thank you.  Here’s a little tip for you, Samantha; if you ever wonder if you should ask something, 99% of the time, it’s better you do not.  What do you call this place?  Is this…collectibles or are these tools?  Okay, that’s a spanner.  Please put it down.  This is the Yellow Submarine, my pride and joy.  Why Yellow Submarine?  Did you name it after something?  No, no, I bought it secondhand and I just didn’t want to go into changing the name.  Okay, so you’ve never been cryoed before, have you, Samantha?  I’m sorry, cryoed?  Cryoed; suspended animation?  Space sleep?  I know what it means.

 

It’s just, no one does that.  It’s old-fashioned stuff.  Well, you’re in for a real treat then, because you’re gonna be spending six months…you don’t have a choice, basically, because we don’t have supplies for you not to be cryoed, is what I’m saying.  Look, I get the attitude.  This is your ship.  I’m your solid state.  I’m not…I get it, there’s a little jealousy thing going, so we’re not gonna get on.  That’s fine, but my fiancé is paying you a lot of money to get me to the Crab Nebula, so power up your warp drive, and let’s get this ship going.  You think I’m joking, Samantha?  Okay, listen, I can’t spend six months in a tank sleeping or whatever, dreaming.  I have a social media presence to maintain.  Okay, let’s try…Samantha, why don’t you look on the bright side?  A little digital detox, a six-month spa day.  What was that robotic…was that robotic laughing?  Yeah, that’s Dachshund, or D-A-S-C-H-S-H-U-N-D.  It’s our ship-board computer.  Say hi.  Hello, I’m Samantha.  Yeah, DAX, Samantha.

 

DAX likes to be called [00:40:00] DAX, and please be nice to DAX because he’s controlling your cryo settings.  Look, here’s the thing, Samantha; they’re checking every warp-ready ship, not just checking like that guy from customs just now.  I mean, every single inch of those ships.  We’re lucky that Automnicon isn’t…used to…the name used to carry more weight than it does now, but the one place they’re not looking are freezer-class ships ‘cause they assume you’re too hoity and too toity to go cryo, cryo-class.  Oh, my goodness.  Listen, you put four guards to deep sleep to where they had mild dehydration.  If you go back there, they’re gonna…not gonna give you any electrolytes.  They’re not gonna be in a hurry to give you anything.  I’m sorry, I do not know what you’re talking…pardon me?  Listen, Samantha, it’s a really easy way to vanish for six months; floating through space, frozen in time.  I do it all of the time.  It’s like a long, long sleep, or a shorter taste of the big farm in the sky.

 

Okay, well, that’s very comforting.  By the way, Samantha, I’m just trying to size you up, here.  Did you really do it?  No, I didn’t do anything wrong.  I’ve been framed.  Well, then why didn’t you want to stand trial and clear your name?  Well, I was ready to do that but then Fabio showed up.  Oh, really?  Well, it seems like you went through a lot of trouble to get out of it.  Doesn’t exactly…it makes you seem less than innocent.  As I said in the press conference, myself and my family are entirely innocent of any wrongdoing whatsoever.  We’re merely a philanthropic…are you making a face?  Listen, Samantha, I grew up on Pluto.  Yeah, then you should all…you should know, of all people, my family is a boon to Pluto.  I grew up on Pluto, Samantha.  Where do you think I worked on Pluto?  So, all of my conversion from person to part-person, part-machine due to work is…and I’m one of the lucky ones.  Okay, well, if you’re gonna be all judgy and have an attitude like that, why did you even bother picking me up?  I need the money, that’s why I picked you up.  It’s a job.

 

I haven’t been back to Pluto in a few decades.  You’re what, like, twenty?  I’m not blaming you directly.  It’s not your fault your family is autocrats, to put it lightly.  Wait a second, how old are you?  Well, cryo has its advantages.  Anyway, I have bigger problems than just talking to you about this stuff.  Like what?  Like, we gotta get into the…we gotta get the…we gotta get in the tanks and start our unwind.  We gotta start our wind-down routine.  So, here, I’m gonna open yours with the creaky, dulcet tones.  So, what do I do?  I just get in there?  Yeah, just get in, and the tank will do the rest.  It’s weird in here.  It’s oily.  Yeah, don’t worry.  You’ll feel a little bit different.  You may even…it’s perfectly normal in there.  You’ll just fall deep asleep.  Wait a second; you’re closing the door.  Is there any…oh.

 

Oh, boy.  She’s interesting.  Yeah, well, we only have to spend a couple more days with her, then I can get my debt paid off, we can get a better ship, and with no other guests, big farm guests, on the ship, and warp drive.  Oh, goody.  I’ll look up some secondhand models.  I’ll put some feelers out.  Oh, you’re the best, DAX.  I’ll see you in six months.  As I close my door and slide into my tank, oh, I’ll miss you.  I guess I’ll go back to the Sudoku in my fridge.  Maybe I’ll even put on one of those albums, those music albums.  A cover; they have those Beatles covers.  It’s like, lullaby Beatles.  Maybe something on a xylophone.  Wait a second, what was that other noise?  There was some other Beatles noise, but I didn’t press play.  Did you hear that, fridge?  No, of course you didn’t.  You’re a fridge.

 

Hey, everybody, the narrator here.  I go by Scoots.  The theme music goes out.  I tell you, that was six months of cryo ahead of them.  What is the future?  What being is walking around?  Is it a big farm being, and will DAX ever finish DAX’s Sudoku?  Well, you’ll find out really soon, and you could subscribe to the real podcast at any moment, with We Fix Space Junk.  That episode of We Fix Space Junk, the real episode, and don’t forget to check out the voice talents of Samantha Trapp, Beth Crane, Jack Carmichael, and Chris Montague, along with the rest of the cast, Aaron Simmonds, Rosie Alys, Krystal Hewitt, and Hedley Knights.  This program was written by Beth Crane and Hedley Knights for Battle Bird Productions, except for the mispronunciations.  Those are Scoots’.  Oh, but before we go, there’s an office with a crackling fire and a fireplace, and as the door opens, a mysterious being named Mr. Trapp sits.  Maybe not so mysterious.  Very luxurious room.  Is it done?

 

Yes, it’s me, Fabio, Mr. Trapp.  I know who you are, Fabio, Fabio.  I just don’t know how to say your name.  But is it done?  It’s done, Mr. Trapp.  She’ll be visiting the big farm soon.  Thank you so much, Fabio, or Fabio.  It doesn’t really matter anymore because now I’ll never have to worry about you being my son-in-law, which I wouldn’t have minded.  Just doing my bit for the company, sir.  Don’t forget in-between episodes to rate, review, subscribe, consume, integrate, indoctrinate, assimilate, degenerate, and float in space.  Register your interest with Automnicon now.  But as your announcer, I can tell you you’re in for a treat ‘cause we’re gonna keep going into Episode 2, Flight of the Submarine.

 

Okay, it’s me, the ship’s log, captain’s log, commander’s log.  Things are not going to plan.  We seem to be…somebody’s chasing us.  They’re trying to board the ship.  I’m not exactly sure I’m gonna be able to deliver the Trapp package successfully.  There’s reports from the surface.  The passenger’s gaining consciousness.  Oh, great.  That’s just what I need.  I was hoping she’d be asleep ‘til we got there.  Okay, prepare starboard squirters, please.  Okay, launch those.  Okay, yeah, keep that up.  Is that the sound of her sleeping pod depressurizing and opening?  Is that the sound of my alarm clock?  Is that beeping?  Can you shut off…snooze.  Computer, snooze.  Computer, snooze…mute alarm.  Thank you.  What is going on?  Samantha, we’ve hit…we’ve dealt…we’re dealing…we’re near the Crab Nebula but…usually, this is a very calm area, but we’re dealing with some non-friendly encounters.  I believe they’re bounty hunters.  Okay.  Oh, here, take this bucket and try to stand still.  A bucket?  Why?

 

Oh boy, my tummy is not feeling 100% settled.  Why is that?  Okay, they’re coming up on our left.  Okay, spin the ship around like we’re chasing our tail.  Okay, if I cut the engines and restart, I should be able to lose them in the smog.  Thank the gods for the industrial [00:50:00] pollution.  Holy cow.  Oh, look at…we lost them.  Park the ship and we’re gonna have to lie low for a little while, DAX, but we can’t stay here long.  Can you find out what’s going on?  I’m not feeling so hot.  What have you done to me?  Samantha, we haven’t done anything to you.  It’s just, after you sleep for so long, you just tend to…you didn’t slowly come out of sleep because of the way the ship was rocking.  Okay, well, do you have any T-U-M-M…T-U-M-Ss or anything?  Do you have any tummy…I’d like some tea with some honey, please.  Okay, I don’t have any tea with honey on it, especially anything with Tum-Tum-Tummy or whatever you were trying to say, Samantha.  It’s okay, I have a tea subscription, Luxury Tea.

 

Luxury Tea for two, for you and me.  It’s delivered once a week by laser mail.  Your laser mail subscriptions can’t get forwarded to a ship you’re hiding out on.  Oh, really?  I think we have other things to worry about first.  Well, you have to worry about my tea…Fabby said he would have all this figured out for me.  Yeah, Fabby.  You may want to rethink your feelings about Fabby.  Yeah, Fabby double-crossed us or stiffed us or something.  Fabby would not do that.  Okay, let me turn on this news report there that says…there’s Fabio, okay?  It’s on mute still, but if you’re double…are you sure about that?  Is that Fabio with my mug shot?  It is.  Let me turn up the volume.  I’m sure Fabby will have a good explanation.  Yeah, it’s…thank you everyone, thank you for coming.  I just wanted to tell everyone, six months ago, my beloved fiancé Samantha Trapp escaped from her holding room.  We had arranged to meet in the Crab Nebula Space Port but during her escape, something did not go well.

 

Something did not go well at all.  I have to be honest, that…how sorry I am at everyone that experienced mild dehydration; Terry Kincade, Korben Dallas, Joseph Hollenbeck, and Jeff Talley.  I know that a lifetime supply of luxury electrolyte sports drinks that we’ve supplied you now and sent to your homes, I hope that’ll just start to make up for it.  I really didn’t think Samantha was capable of this, and I’m really saddened by her behavior.  Oh, my goodness, Fabby, what are you talking about?  I’d like to make a appeal today.  Samantha, if you’re watching, turn yourself in.  I can’t believe Fabby has…I had nothing to do with that.  He showed up, everyone was asleep, and he said ‘step over them’.  I didn’t make anyone go to sleep.  I didn’t put anyone to sleep.  No, I believe you, Samantha.  I believe you.  Oh, my goodness.  Once again, thank you, Fabio.  This is your favorite reporter reporting and once again, if you have anything on the escape of Samantha Trapp, please report it to the Nocatome Galactic Force immediately.

 

There’s a reward of four million credits for her capture in deep sleep or not deep sleep, or even in big farm status.  Very interesting.  Okay, thanks, DAX.  So, Samantha, do you want the good news or the bad news?  I’m not sure I could handle any more news.  Okay, well, I’ll start with the good news, then.  They haven’t caught us yet.  The Yellow Sub has some pretty good camouflage software, and Automnicon is indifferent to the law, so you’re safe on that front.  The bad news?  Okay, so, Fabio did not pay up, and there’s some consequences for that that you might not like.  Right.  Look, let’s get away from here first.  We got here two days early and they were waiting for us, but they probably didn’t have their full welcoming party ready.  We’ll take off.  You seem very upset though, Samantha.  What’s wrong?  We’re still fine.  Well, I was in love with Fabio.  I thought we were gonna get married.  Well, at least you found out he’s space…he’s like, as good as carbon scoring, I guess.

 

At least you found that out now.  Yeah, but what am I supposed to do?  Well, I’m afraid you don’t really have much of a choice in this situation, moving forward.  Are you just gonna hand me in, then?  No, that would not fix things for either one of us.  Actually, four million credits would end your contract and buy a nearly-new ship with a brand-new warp drive.  DAX, come on, that’s pretty heartless.  Just being logical.  DAX, you’re being a jerk.  Come on, she just lost her fiancé, Fabby.  She had a tummy-tum-tum, and her family also took Fabio’s side.  Sorry about that, Samantha.  Apparently, they’re saying you were a corrupting influence on everyone.  They’re all angels and all of their misdoing…you’re some sort of evil genius which is hilarious, right?  Because we’ve kind of gotten to know each other a little bit.  Everything they’ve done wrong in the past twenty-five years has been your idea.  But I’m twenty-seven years old.  Well, I guess you started young.  But you’re here.

 

You’re with me, you’re safe, and like I said, we’re locked in now.  We don’t really have much of a choice.  Well, can’t you leave me on a planet somewhere?  Just drop me off.  Not exactly.  I can’t do that.  Well, why not?  Well, do you remember the contract you signed?  Fabio and you signed it, kind of.  Vaguely.  Well, did you read it?  No, no, Fabio did.  Remember?  I remember hearing Fabio say Fabio read it.  So, you didn’t read it?  Because I’d sent it before.  Yeah, I thought you had a chance to look it over.  Yeah, no, I didn’t read it, okay?  Okay, well…well, what is it?  Is there some kind of contractual…okay, so you know Automnicon, right?  Yeah, they’re my family’s biggest competitor.  Okay, well, you’re now indebted to them.  Okay, what does that mean, though?  Okay, so Automnicon’s kind of like a student loan company, I guess.  That’s at least how they started out.  You take a loan and your labor serves as collateral until you’ve paid off the loan plus interest.

 

But they have very high interest rates.  Okay, how do you think I could buy a ship like this, a space ship?  Do you have any idea how much a spaceship costs?  I’m from a mining town on Pluto.  Even with ten thousand years of savings, I couldn’t have paid for this ship.  I mean, it’s gonna take me about two thousand years to pay it off.  But I thought smuggling you would buy me out.  Okay, so what are you getting to?  Well, now, Samantha, you’re in debt as well.  Why would I be in debt?  Well, who do you think provided the sleeping facilities, the hydration, the cryo-gel, the oxygen?  Well, I thought those were yours, not like, on loan.  Well, why do you think smuggling…we charge so much for smuggling?  I don’t know.  I thought you were smart, like a capitalist or something.  Okay, here, watch this video.  Sit down, this is part of regulations, anyway.  It was in the contract, so sit down.

 

Do-do-do-do.  Hello new employee, and welcome to Automnicon.  As a new debtor to Automnicon, your pre-signed contract has been inter-faxed directly to our accounts department from which it cannot be retrieved.  You will receive regular updates regarding your debt levels and any interest changes.  As per the terms and conditions of the contract you signed, you are now contracted to Automnicon until you’ve paid off your debt or until your trip to the big farm in the sky, or the greater universe, whichever is sooner.  You’ll find the details of your missions in the inbox of your ship-board computer.  [01:00:00] Make sure to check it regularly, as being late to any missions we assign you will, of course, incur fines.  A final note on health and safety; as a technically self-employed indebted contractor, all Automnicon employees are entirely responsible for their own health and wellbeing which means there’s no tricky health or safety guidelines to follow, and no obligatory fluorescent jackets.  If you’re unable to fulfill your obligations ‘cause of an early trip to the big farm in the sky, your family will inherit your debt.  We hope you enjoy working with us as much as we enjoy your service.  Remember, it’s Automnicon and you, and your obligation to us.  That’s you, Automnicon and you.

 

Okay, so hold on, alls I have to do is pay off my debt?  How much do I owe?  Okay, well, Samantha, it was seven thousand credits.  Seven thousand credits?  That’s like, my fourth-grade allowance.  That’s fine.  Well no, no, that was the initial thing, Samantha.  But you know what compound interest is?  Are you familiar with that?  Okay, so how much money do I owe?  90,927 credits and counting.  So, that’s how much you owe.  You’re stuck here with me until you work it off.  But I can’t work it off.  I don’t work.  I’m a Trapp.  Surely…okay, that…those objections, they mean nothing to Automnicon.  Believe me, I’m about as thrilled as you are, especially what happened last time.  Last time?  What happened last time?  Oh, that was when I had…that was the forest preserve.  But it’s not a bad life.  It’s an interesting life.  But you live in this ship.  It’s like a submarine ship.  Yeah, we live in here now.  It’s not even…do you even own a vacuum cleaner and someone to run it?

 

Okay, now we share this space, and I used to share it by myself, so now my space is halved.  You’re like, a smuggler.  I’m a smuggler now?  Okay, well, according to your fiancé, you put people into deep sleep and make them drool obscene amounts.  Anyway, I’m not just a smuggler.  I’m more of like a Jack of all trades.  Mostly, I just do repairs, we travel around, see the universe.  Oh, my goodness.  I cannot believe this is real.  Also, I haven’t even checked my social media.  Excuse me, announcement, we have a job.  Three days normal travel.  I don’t want to hear about any jobs.  I need to process this and sit down.  Okay, Samantha, you sit down, try to drink something.  Yeah, you’re probably dehydrated, too.  You just woke up from space sleep.  I gotta go look at the schematics.  Okay, but where are we going?  We have a job.  Well, could you drop me off…is there a rehydration spa or something?  Some place that I could at least…at some sort of retreat I could go on for the weekend?

 

Samantha, you’ll feel better in a little while.  Yeah, but I’d rather be at my fullest.  Just drop me off on a spa planet or something, and then when I’m fully 100%, then I can 100% help.  Samantha, we’re not in that financial position anymore.  Spa planets cost money.  Spas cost money, not to mention that for four million credits, they would just turn you in.  Don’t worry, I come up with my own spa days when I need to.  I mean, it’ll be good.  I’ve been getting good at painting my own nails.  Finally, we’ll be able to give each other spa treatments.  I’ve gotten good at just doing them all in the mirror and pretending my mirror was my…never mind.  My mirror was not my best friend.  I’m talking too much.  Okay, you’re spacing me out, one, and first, secondly, I refuse to work for Automnicon.  Oh, well, that’s not really an option.  You have to work for them.  You, Automnicon and you, your obligation to them.  But yeah, you can’t…no one can tell me what to do.  I’m my own person.  Yeah, you’re your own person, but Automnicon’s Specialist Air System kind of takes care of the rest.  Can we have that instructional audio, please?

 

Hello, everyone.  Automnicon’s Specialist Audio here.  If you’re thinking of withholding your service, planning to be disobedient, having a fit, contemplating protests, Automnicon’s Specialist Air System means you needn’t worry about anything like that anymore.  Any pouting, pouting, pouting will be concluded quickly and quietly by our intelligent air systems.  We’ve dealt with disputes over work and bad moods and those things over the years, and Automnicon’s engineers developed AutomniAir.  AutomniAir draws information from your ship-board monitors and when you dissent, believe me, we take over.   We’ve got you covered.  Automnicon.  Automnicon and you, your obligation to us.

 

Okay, so see, Samantha?  Just go lie down for a little while.  I got a spare boiler suit you could borrow.  Oh, my goodness, where can I lie down?  Are all the beds this size?  That’s our table.  That’s not a bed.  Oh, my goodness, the beds are smaller than this table?  Okay, I will lie down.  Are you going to keep her?  Yeah, DAX, I’m gonna keep her.  It looks like…I mean, maybe she’s got some hidden potential or something.  I still think the four million credits would come in handy.  Yeah, but she’s…we gotta do what’s right, DAX.  She doesn’t deserve it.  Warp drive, we could get a warp drive.  Okay, DAX, get on with the navigation, please.  We’ll just head off into space, like spacey theme music rising and falling.  Back to you, narrator Scoots.  Well, thank you.  I was just wondering what’s waiting for our intrepid repairmen out there in the deep, dark night?  Merriment, adventure, or stuff that wouldn’t put a smile on your face?

 

Find out in next week’s episode, and every episode that you could binge in their feed, We Fix Space Junk.  Review, subscribe, check out all the amazing production and voice work from everyone at Battle Bird Productions.  Oh, but wait a second, there’s some other thing.  It’s a buzzing of an intercom.  Yes, can I help you?  Yes, we’ve got some information back from one of our ships, a new debtor, Miss Samantha Trapp.  Ah, so things are going to plan regarding the Trapp Mining Corporation, eh?  The what?  Never mind.  It’s above your paygrade.  Keep me updated on her whereabouts.  Will do, Miss Lamb.  Now, stop hassling me.  I’m on my lunch break.  On second thought, that person knows a little too much.  Lionel, can you delete their memory banks or take them on a visit to the big farm?  This is Scoots saying rate, review, and subscribe.  Do not rage against the dying of the light except the fading of your spark, and your own possible trip to the big farm will be…but just for now, rest well, embrace your pillow, and get comfortable.  Don’t worry about Automnicon and any of that stuff.  Goodnight.

[END OF RECORDING]

[www.leahtranscribes.com]