875 – Streaming Things Right | Get Besos S3 E10

EPISODE 875 – Streaming Things Right – Get Besos S3 E10

 

[START OF RECORDING]

SCOOTER: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and friends beyond the binary, it’s time for the podcaster who just accidentally turned the flashlight in his phone on, but I’m really supposed to be here…you keep my lights on, patrons, ironically enough, really.  Then I’m here to take your mind off of stuff while you turn the lights down low.  I’m gonna be a spirit of the nightlight here ‘cause it’s time for Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  Thanks, patrons.

 

Hey everybody, this is Drew.  This episode was recorded a little while ago so I just wanted to let you know this podcast is here so you can feel less alone day or night.  We’re gonna keep coming out Sunday and Wednesday nights as usual but if you need more help, reach out for help.  I have a list of resources in the show notes if you’re looking for more help in this current time ‘cause I’m here to try to support you with that.  Thanks.

 

INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep?  Trouble staying asleep?  Well, welcome.  This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  We do it with a bedtime story.  Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play.  I’m gonna do the rest.  What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake.  It could be thoughts, things on your…things you’re thinking about, things on your mind; thoughts…trying to think of other ways to repeat that.  Feelings, any emotions coming up for you, things, feelings about the present, past, future, just general malaise.  Haven’t made that joke…when I’m at a Renaissance Fair and when I walk up to the queen and the ladies of the court I always say ‘what’s up, malaise?’  And I giggle to myself.  I say oh, I thought it was a silent D, my queen.  So, there’s that.  Oh, forgot what I was talk…oh, so any feelings you’re feeling.

 

You might have feelings about that.  You say how dare you use malaise in the presence of the…person at a Renaissance festival pretending to be…performing in the role of the queen.  I say nice recovery Scoots, to respect the hard work they’re doing, ‘cause I am a big Renaissance Fair fan.  Oh, feelings, physical sensations, I’m here to take your mind off of that, too, anything else that could be keeping you awake; noise, schedule change, changes in routine.  Whatever it is, I’m here to take your mind off of it and keep you company as you fall asleep.  What I plan to do is, I got this safe place; I’m smoothing it, I’m patting it, I’m rubbing it down, pulling it taut if I need to, and thinking about using my Long Island accent when I say ‘taut’.  I’m creating a safe place.  Then I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night.  I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents, confusion, over…my mouth is…you know when someone, particularly in a movie, puts too much food in their mouth for a comedic effect, in a movie.

 

That’s usually the situation even though I don’t have too many words in my mouth, it feels like I do.  They’re all in a hurry to come out.  They say we gotta get outta there.  They say we finally got out of his brain; now we just gotta get through…they say well, how do you get out of here, anyway?  This brain is…it’s like a funhouse but most of the fun is consumed by overthinking and past, present, or future.  Some other words are like, I think I heard if you go across the vocal cords at just the right time, you could get out of there.  That’s my theory of why I talk too much or why sometimes my words get mashed together.  Not intentional or really something under my control; just so many words and…I say do you think we could get some atoms out of here?  Some of the…maybe even the brain cells say don’t…take us with…take me and my dendrite, please, with you.  Don’t leave me here with Scooter because he does this all day long.  I say well, humans find it…believe it or not, humans find it soothing.

 

Or, some humans.  I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night, do all that stuff, and I’m really here…now, if you’re new, just like my dendrites or whatever, they say dendrite?  I feel like a stalagmite up there.  I say are you sure it’s not a stalactite?  Do you know the difference?  Because I forgot even though I learned it in fifth grade.  I forgot whatever pneumatic device…they say it wasn’t a…I say oh, okay.  Well, all mine are pneumatic, full of hot air, not mnemonic or whatever.  You could see why something would want to get out of my brain.  But if you’re new, I’m glad you’re here.  Let me give you a couple of pieces of information because this podcast is very different and probably different than what you expected.  Also, I’m very…I’m strange and let’s not dance around that.  Let’s lean into that.  Maybe you had expectations.  You say well, I don’t know what to expect.  Someone’s gonna try to put me to sleep with bedtime stories?  Or what are you gonna do?

 

Let me give you the rundown ‘cause I probably already confused you or you might…raised your skepticism.  I hope I didn’t raise your hackles because I’m not even sure…but so with that, I say is that the right word for that, too?  But so, here’s a couple of things to know; one, the best way to consume this podcast is loosely or out-of-focus or gently, almost like sand passing through your hands.  Don’t try to hold onto the sand.  Just let it flow through your fingers.  Because if you try to focus on the show too much or you wait for it to get started, it’s the kind of podcast that never really…it’s always running.  Never really got started but it’s always running.  You say well, that doesn’t make any sense.  I say well, that’s the business I’m in.  I’m in the senseless business.  Just kind of see if you can barely listen.  It’s a strange thing to say, but this is the one podcast you don’t need to listen to.  You could just kind of barely listen.  That’s one thing.  The second thing is that when I started this, there weren’t a lot of sleep podcasts and stuff, but now there’s more and more.

 

But I think this is still the one sleep podcast that really isn’t here to put you to sleep; it’s here to keep you company while you fall asleep and to take your mind off of stuff as you drift off.  I’m more here to be your companion and your friend in the deep, dark night, telling you a story, keeping you company, and you just fall off…fall asleep, fall off of the cloud into another cloud or into the arms of Morpheus, I always like to say.  Then I’ll just disappear in a poof of hot air, or barely warm air, for your comfort.  A podcast you don’t need to listen to, no pressure to fall asleep, there’s also…that’s also a reason the shows are about an hour, is to give you plenty of time so you don’t got to worry.  Oh my gosh, if the show’s over in twenty minutes, will I still be awake?  I say well, I’m gonna be here for an hour.  Also, if you can’t sleep, there are listeners that listen to this; hardcore insomniacs or people that just need some comfort.  I’m gonna be here to the very end so if you can’t sleep, I’m here for you.

 

Those are two things.  Another thing that throws people off is the structure of the show.  The show starts off with an introduction or a hello, a greeting, I guess.  Not an introduction, a greeting.  Then there’s business.  That’s how we’re able to bring this podcast to you for free.  That’s how we’re able to bring the podcast to the regular listeners for free but if you’re new, not super important.  Then there’s an intro which goes from about minute…I don’t know, minute six to minute twenty to minute twenty-four, I don’t…somewhere in there.  The intro’s about twelve to twenty minutes of me trying to introduce the podcast and rambling.  A lot of times, the strongest messages I get are either about the business or the intro, or me, but those ones I take with a grain of salt or I just say well, I’m not for everybody.  But I always try to give you this information ‘cause I know these are the things…the intro is not…I mean, I guess it is self-indulgent but with a purpose, or it’s not a infomercial.

 

It’s a friend talking to you about nothing, basically.  I do try to give new listeners all the information I can but believe it or not, every intro has been different; eight hundred and whatever, sixty-something episodes, or maybe it’s more than that.  I have no idea.  Every one’s different because a lot of the regular listeners, I’d say 98%, 97% listen to the intro.  You say well, why would they do that, [00:10:00] because you’re giving them the same information every time.  I say well, something borrowed, something blue, something familiar just for you.  I don’t know, but really, it’s part of people’s bedtime routine.  The intro eases you into bedtime so I think the largest portion of listeners start listening before they get into bed.  Then the second…I’m gonna say again, talking like 33%, then 24%.  That math already doesn’t add up.  I don’t know, yeah, maybe then another 24% listen when they get in bed and they’re getting comfortable.

 

Maybe there’s another 23% that fall asleep during the intro, then there’s 2% of people that skip the intro, then there’s some other percentage of listeners that, you know.  But the whole idea of the intro is it eases you into bedtime, whether you’re listening before you get into bed or when you’re in bed.  I don’t know, it’s like a runway to help you wind down and to carry your focus from the day, from thoughts, feelings or physical sensations, to my nonsense.  Really, that’s what it’s here to do.  That’s the intro.  Yeah, I guess it serves a purpose, but it’s also skippable.  You could just start the show at twenty minutes or patrons get story-only versions, so some patrons listen to that.  Then the show really isn’t…it’s really hard for me to design a podcast to be listened to all night, but some people do listen all night, or patrons will listen to a new episode and then story-only episodes only.  But some people listen to thirty minutes, fall asleep, wake up, listen to another twenty.

 

I guess what I’m saying is see how it goes, ‘cause the other piece of information I get from tons and tons of listeners is it takes two or three tries to get an idea that this…to finally accept this podcast never got start…you say it’s running…that whole paradox, you say we’re skeptical beings by nature.  That’s a good thing.  To get by that skepticism, the old skepticism of a paradox would be one of my many autobiographies.  I’m skeptical; I’ll write any of them.  ‘Cause you say okay, this is a podcast that’s already running and it never got started.  But then after the third episode you say oh yeah, I get…okay.  It’s not like, really sitting under the Bodhi tree.  It’s more of like you shrug your shoulders and you say well, never…I totally understand that I never understood it.  That’s how you know you’re a regular listener but for regular listeners it takes two or three tries to get to that point when you say huh, he’s right.  It never got started but it’s been running the whole time.

 

A lot of people wake up and they say it never got started but I felt…then it worked.  Alls I say is see how it goes because really, for me, I’m only here to put you to sleep if I can which I hope I do.  I just want the podcast to work for you if it can, so give it a few tries and see if it works.  If it doesn’t, I got a list of podcasts at sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou or there’s other resources out there.  But I really want to help.  One of the reasons I want to help is because one, I believe you do deserve a good night’s sleep, that you having a place of rest and solitude and comfort, a safe place where you could drift off, means your life is gonna be better.  While that might not impact me directly, I really believe that makes the world a better place, a much better place.  If you can live your life a little bit fuller, that’s nice.  If I can provide that, then that makes…I don’t know, that gives meaning to my life.  The other side of that meaning and the reason it’s important to me is because I’ve been there.

 

I know how it feels on the other side of trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep.  Oh boy.  Tossing…all those things, I deal with them or I’ve dealt with them in the past.  It’s not pleasant and I want bedtime to at least be a place of neutrality if not something you could look forward to because in the past, I’ve dreaded it.  I really know for me, I don’t know if I could spell this; P-A-I-N-F-U-L.  Is that right?  If I can counteract that, if I can be your companion that you could turn to…you say what a companion you are.  You’re always talking but you’re talking about nothing and you’re always talking.  Never started…whatever the other truism I made up there.  But I think you get what I mean.  This is what I hear from listeners that have been listening to the show over the past seven years; they say Scoots, I used to dread bedtime.  Now they say well, at least I got Scoots to listen to.  He’s gonna talk some nonsense and maybe I’ll have half a giggle.

 

That’s what people say when they go to the imaginary Sleep With Me enjoyment bar.  They say what do you…the person running it, they probably…they’re like yeah, what can I get you for?  I say I’ll just take half a giggle.  They say really?  Just half?  You don’t want a full jar of boisterous laughter?  Oh no, I’m going to bed.  I’m sleeping with Scoots tonight.  Just a half a giggle.  Maybe a neutral…not a…a 1/8 frown, even.  That would be me.  I’d be doing a victory dance.  You say Scoots, I went from a scowl which is how my face is sometimes at bedtime, to a 1/8 frown.  I say you gotta be kidding me.  One day, I’ll review all this in the post-life with somebody.  Even they’ll be confused.  I’ll be up there with Chidi and the rest of the great philosophers, even the not-imaginary ones.  Maybe we’ll be under the Bodhi tree or whatever a proper tree is.  They say so your existence was…tell us about what gave your life meaning.  A quarter to an eighth to a sixth frown; that’s what gave my…they say what is…where is that eternal glow…?

 

I say well, that’s the high-pro glow.  They say don’t get that mixed up.  It’s not a spiritual thing.  It’s like I switched to a high-pro.  They say what’s that high-pro you’re talking about?  Now that I’m no longer human, I figured it’d be good for me to eat it.  I always saw the ads; they were for dogs.  They’d say what’s up with that dog?  It has a high-pro glow.  I always wanted that.  I’m here in the big farm, I’ve been consuming whatever it is…whatever…you know, I just get it delivered, high-pro.  But yeah, no, the thing that gave my life meaning was yeah, helping people have 1/8…going from a scowl…now, not just a 1/8 frown.  Sometimes it would be a neutral look on their face or an open mouth, or an 1/8 of a giggle.  Gigglespritz, we call it on the show.  I say can you tell me more about this gigglespritz?  I say well, it’s available.  Now we live up here on the barter system.  If you got any high-pro, I’ll give you a bottle of gigglespritz, but a gigglespritz is like when you just almost giggle.  You giggle on the inside.

 

Instead of giggling totally…like you’re non-stop giggling at something that’s really funny with your bestie.  Oh wait, everybody…gone.  What happened?  Once again, I’m under the Bodhi tree but I’ll just take a snooze.  That’s it; that’s why I make this show, that’s what to expect, is a lot of nonsense.  After the intro we’ll be doing our episodically modular series Get Besos that you could listen to in any order.  Then we’ll have our thank yous, so that’s the structure of the show.  I’m here for you twice a week, on Sundays and Wednesdays.  Every show kind of cycles a different style.  I’m glad you’re here; I work very hard.  I yearn and I strive to help you fall asleep.  I appreciate you coming by and here’s a couple ways we’re able to bring you this podcast for free.

 

Alright, hey everybody, it’s time for our episodically modular series, the tale of Richard Warren Sears and…oh, what’s episodically modular?  It means you can listen to it in more or less any order.  Even if you’re a completist, I’m gonna catch you up at the beginning of every episode so you know right where you are.  It’s the kind of thing a sleep podcast does, even if it had some seriality.  I cancelled that out with my episodically modularity that leads to bare hilarity.  This is our episodically modular series Get Besos, the tale of Richard Warren Sears and James Cash Penney, two fictional titans of retail [00:20:00] industry who were in purgatory or whatever the other terms for it are.  I can never remember; a neutral…middle place, post-Earth middle place.  They were there, they were bored.  Richard Warren Sears is reading the news, got fed up with this fictional current titan of retail industry in fiction worlds, Jiff Besos.  Then he told James Cash Penney about it.

 

They felt like he ruined their retail legacy and so they escaped purgatory, returned to Earth to get Jiff, teach him a couple lessons about love and kindness, I presume.  I wasn’t sure about their motivations.  Eventually, over two seasons, they had a lot of adventures.  The three of them became friends.  Their adventures went “so well”, and I put that in super quotey-quotes ‘cause it didn’t go great, but they had fun.  It was full of love and compassion and kindness.  Just that when they were doing their best, it didn’t…they were better off sticking to retail.  But soon they discovered that they were back in purgatory, all three of them.  Then they were in purgatory.  Jiff started reading about this new titan of not just retail, of not just shopping, a social shopping media platform or something called Z-Biff run by a ubiquitous named Z-Biff.  Jiff decided to escape purgatory and return to Earth to teach Z-Biff maybe some lessons, presumably about kindness and dignity and respect.

 

Richard Warren Sears didn’t necessarily like that, so he told James Cash Penney let’s escape the purgatory, go back to…go get Besos once again.  This time we’re driven by friendship.  They said let’s go get Jiff, get Besos before he gets in trouble at getting Z-Biff.  That’s where we are, somewhere on a place called Hearth which is a backup version of Earth.  We always call it…I forget.  It’s Earth, it’s Hearth, silent H.  I just stressed it.  James Cash Penney and Richard Warren Sears have been searching Earth for Jiff and basically have been following a path of places impacted by social media and shopping platforms; communities that became fed up with one another because of social media shopping platforms.  You say normally you wouldn’t be empowered to be fed up with every…so, they were trying to help those communities and find Jiff at the same time.  Then they ended up in a community where they found Jiff, a community that was dealing with social media shopping and they said…sports and stuff.

 

They then found Jiff, where Jiff was according…or Jiff’s device was.  That’s kind of where we left off, is they were going to get…well, oh, no, no.  RW; I did forget this.  RW told Z-Biff…I don’t know, I guess in addition to social media and shopping platforms, Z-Biff has an enforcement arm of saying hey, this is how we run the rules of our social media and shopping platform.  They’ve caught Jiff, or they’ve…RW turned Jiff over to them and now they’re actually…that’s where they are at their…I think they’re strongly discussing things, so I’m gonna get to the point where they’re…now they’re passively indirectly talking about stuff instead of strongly.  That’s where our story will start.  Here coming at this point, sending his voice across California in the most clearest way possible, but because we’re like…we can only…now we just hang by Zoom because when I’m recording this, is our good friend Mr. Antonio Banderas.

 

Thank you.  The ladies, the gentlemen, the boys, the girls, the friends beyond the binary, it’s time to get Besos.  Yeah.  Wow, that was great.  You sound crystal clear, Antonio, just like you’re here.  It really feels like you’re here.  Scooter, I am there in my heart, in my spirit, in my soul, with you and all the other listeners.  With me and all my listeners; thanks.  You’re so moody in a good way.  You strike a mood.  Madonna struck a pose.  You strike a mood.  There’s nothing to it.  Thanks, Antonio.  You just stay…can you stay on SquadCast?  We’re using SquadCast, but just keep it…don’t mute it because…but don’t make any noise.  Just sit there listening to me record without moving at all.  Then when I’m done, we’ll play a little…we’re gonna play kittens, right?  Dancing kittens or the Dancing Volcanic Kittens, is the sleepy title I just thought of.  Thank you, I’ll be quiet from here on out.  You’re almost quiet like that but yeah, that’s…thanks.  That’s Antonio Banderas’s Get Besos.

 

Okay, so why don’t…Richie, why don’t I tell you my version of this?  Once upon a time, a long time ago, on a place called Earth in a place called…there was someone named Arnold, Benedict Arnold, who considered themselves a hero and a wise person.  Actually, it’s been so long I’m not exactly sure what they did, but I know they promised to help and to…even told…probably…I don’t know about…I’ve never heard an interview with the friends of Benedict Arnold.  I’m sure some of them were like yeah, we weren’t surprised.  He would borrow flour and never bring it back.  Never said thank you.  But there’s probably other friends that said I thought he was gonna help.  I had no idea.  We had a plan to help one another and other people, and I thought we were doing our best and we’re gonna be…we’re best friendship or almost best friends, near best friends.  I’m sure some of them were just like, speechless, like I am, saying…if they could have met up with…I don’t know if they did and they said Benedict, first of all, I don’t know who eats breakfast named after you and if that has anything to do with it but I hope it doesn’t.

 

But I really don’t understand what’s up with you man, because I thought we were working together.  I always did have a doubt in the pit of my stomach about you, Benedict.  This is Benedict’s imaginary friend talking.  But I really wanted to believe the best in you and I really thought I could see the good side of you and the generous and kind and loving side of you that maybe you were afraid of, Benedict, but I knew about it because that’s what I wanted to be friends with and what I chose to see.  But now I may be realizing that I guess I was just seeing what I wanted to see and really, whatever you did, ‘cause I don’t really remember ‘cause it’s been so long, you just…I’m sure you have your own reasons that you could justify, Benedict.  Totally you do, and you could list them out and probably you will do that as soon as I’m done talking.  Or maybe you’ll blame me or Jiff or Z-Biff or somebody else, or whatever; George Washington, or I don’t know.  Probably put it on James Madison.

 

Definitely don’t put it on Alexander Hamilton, Benedict.  I don’t even know if that’s the right timeframe but I can tell you that he’s way…so popular.  If you’re gonna blame somebody, probably blame Aaron Burr, though when I did watch that, it was…that was one of the people that had the most beautiful arc, but so, I don’t know who you’ll blame.  But I just don’t know what to say, is really…I’m D-E-S-P-O-N-D…I don’t even…yeah.  That’s all I have to say about it.  Thanks, Benedict.  Oh buddy, buddy, buddy.  I’m not gonna blame anybody.  Once upon a time there was someone who made bad choices, James.  Someone named Worty [00:30:00] Reggie Soars.  Oh, did Worty Reggie Soars fly high, James, a new…changed everything, really; the way people did things, the way people bought things, the way businesses operated.  Yeah, he had his copycats, so many copycats that…also even said well, I’d like that three…I’d like a three-name thing, too.

 

But you know, that…he wasn’t perfect even though it…seemingly he was beyond perfect.  Even his imperfections were really what brought…the people…the imperfections people saw in him, they just didn’t understand that that was what made him…helped make him who he was.  But he knew on the inside he wasn’t perfect, James.  He knew he made mistakes and he had a…he had to cover it up with bluster and vision and making decisions and choices and things, James.  But he could also realize when he was wrong.  There was plenty of times he wanted to admit he was wrong when he was wrong, but instead he changed the subject and blamed people.  Correct.  Maybe he blamed his best friend who he was afraid to call his best friend, maybe he blamed angels or supreme beings, demi-gods, you know, those were other mistakes he made.  He could have blamed utopian societies that were actually near-utopias and maybe he thought he could run it better.  Maybe he was wrong about that, too.

 

Maybe he had ideas about what it meant to be strong and all that.  Maybe his pride got in the way of him seeing his shortcomings; that maybe it being the greatest retailer changer…maybe that was not a title that was that important even though he saw it as the most important thing.  Maybe he was willing to admit that old…whatever, Worty Reggie Soars.  Oh boy, did he soar, so high everyone looked up to see him and watch him.  Not that like…not that Icarus, James.  This is not that kind of story.  Then when he did apologize, people said those…maybe he’s changed.  They said, I didn’t think apologies could be so good, that amends could be so thorough.  But Worty knew that he wasn’t perfect even though people saw him as the greatest apologist and amends-maker ever in the…they said well, now I know how to do it because Worty set the way.  Even though he made every…that…and people said wow, I can’t believe he has a best friend because…is there a list I could get on just in case I could be his friend?

 

Worty knew that wasn’t always the case, that maybe his apologies or his amends could be more thorough.  Maybe he was missing something he should apologize for.  Maybe he could be more ready to admit when he was wrong.  Worty knew all those things, James.  He was ready to admit it when he was wrong, in this fictional story.  But there was also times Worty made choices that other people…that were right that maybe other people couldn’t see as right because they were only seeing Worty’s W-A-R-Ts, James.  When you’re looking there, you don’t see the things that lie beyond it.  You can’t see the truth always when you’re focused on the…when someone doesn’t soar and you only see the sour, not the soar.  You’re feeling so sore that you’re expecting them to apologize and admit they were wrong when they weren’t wrong.  Maybe they had to do some things that had to be done in order to get the things done that had needed to be done.

 

But that doesn’t mean that Worty Soar wasn’t wrong in the past, or that maybe friends, close friends, maybe even best friends, James.  They didn’t have a lot of strong feelings about old Worty because they’d been through a lot with him.  He could apologize for that and say I put being friends with old Worty; watching him soar can be tiring.  Being there for him when he lands and you don’t get to soar as high can’t be easy.  Sure, there’s times he’s out there soaring above you, having a big milkshake, and it spills on you.  You say Worty, I’m just down here watch…that’s not great.  Or there’s times he makes other choices.  Probably, that would be the biggest one in this story, James, though, is flying around with the milkshake and then spilling it on his best friend would be something…he would say I’m sorry, and I’m sorry that was the 8,000th time I spilled a milkshake on you after I said I wouldn’t soar with milkshake…or whatever that was, tomato juice or grape juice, or whatever.

 

I get it; I’m wrong.  I’ve been wrong and maybe there’ll be a time for me to make amends to you about that and buy you new clothes or wash your face…I mean, give you something to wash your face with.  But this time Worty said you gotta trust me.  You gotta trust me because I had an idea and I went for it, and it wasn’t as poorly thought-out as normally.  Saying I can fly; might as well drink a milkshake without a top or a straw.  Do you understand what I’m saying, James?  Yeah, I guess I hear what you’re saying, Richie.  You almost said Worty, buddy, but I understand why you would, really.  I don’t know, I’m a little thrown off so why don’t you just tell me what’s happening?  You meant to turn Jiff over to Z-Biff.  James, I did, and let me tell you why in the most clearest terms.  Normally I would try to talk around things or show…it was a guess, so I could be wrong.  But I had two reasons, James; one, you know, we know Jiff, right?  We know J-Jiffy and we know Jiff.

 

We’ve tried to get Besos when he was just a piece of sand in our elbow balm.  Then we tried to get Besos when it was…when he went to go get…go look at the utopia named after him called Besos.  Yeah, when I was making those choices, sometimes they didn’t go great but the one thing I learned about Jiff is he’s persistent, James.  He’s dogged, he’s determined and I don’t think he would have given up until he got ahold of Z-Biff.  Maybe he even wanted me to turn him over to Z-Biff, but even if he didn’t, he probably will.  That’s one reason, James.  The other reason is even though we’ve become…that you and I, we have a working relationship and we’re friends.  We’ve worked together a lot over this past however long it’s been since we erased Earth twice, or whatever.  I de-existed the Good Place, all those things.  But we’ve become friends with Jiff, but Jiff we…Jiff’s a…Jiff’s like, it doesn’t work.  We’ve never worked with Jiff, really.  I mean, we tried.

 

You know what I’m saying, James?  I can’t get…we need to know what Jiff was up to in order to help Jiff.  As we go here where Jiff was, was we walk…as we’re walking through this door, glad we were walking and talking.  Pretty sure we’re gonna find out what Jiff’s plans were.  Then we could still…we’ll figure it out.  Z-Biff…you know what I mean?  It’s a plan.  It’s not a perfect plan, James.  It’s not even a plan; it’s more of [00:40:00] why we’re here and why he did it.  Okay Richie, so you gave up Jiff to Z-Biff so Jiff would get…’cause Jiff wouldn’t be stopped, anyway.  Also, sooner or later everybody in the world’s looking for Jiff because somehow Z-Biff has blamed Jiff for all of the hardships the social media and shopping platform causes individuals and communities.  Right?  Then the communities have also blamed Jiff for any attempts to fix it.  We also have…that’s an ongoing thing, though.  There’s that whole crowd of people searching for Jiff right now.  James, they’re gonna find it.

 

We have a few minutes here and then we gotta get outta here.  I kind of sent them off in a couple other places but sooner or later yeah, they’re gonna figure out where we are, so we have to get a…we have to figure out what Jiff was up to.  Here’s Jiff workstation.  How do you know where Z-Biff took Jiff?  Well James, my guess is that Jiff left us some clues, so what do we got?  There’s stuff laying around here.  What is this?  It looks like this is…he was watching…let’s see, he left a TV on and is streaming…it looks like he’s been streaming a show called Country Roads and Country Cooking: the City Edition.  Wait a second; yeah James, that doesn’t make any sense.  How could it be Country Roads and Country Cooking: City Edition?  I guess like, bringing the spirit of country roads and country cooking to the city.  But what is this show?  Well James, it looks like this…maybe this is what Jiff was doing to pass the time.  But if you see…I’ve got these notes at his desk, here.

 

He has some of these restaurants written down, and cities.  Actually, these start to line up.  We didn’t have the names of the restaurants on our list, James, but there’s…a lot of the places we’ve already been, Jiff has crossed out.  Then he has next…but not the restaurant crossed out.  He has TBV’d; to be visited, I think that stands for.  Oh, wait a second; now there’s other…okay, so these are the unmarked ones, James.  It has the cities on here; Donnadella’s Dumpling Diner.  Then it says CBT next to it.  Then it says Paloma’s Pupusas, then it says IPT next to it.  Then there’s other ones…blah, blah, blah, TT…FT…DBT…PDT.  Okay, any idea?  You knew that first one; TBV.  Do you know any of these other ones, what these letters…?  Are they time zones, James?  No, CBT, PDT’s a time zone but that’s on another…that’s on Earth, not on Hearth.  Probably not…I don’t think they’re time zones, James.  Okay, so he was gonna go visit these restaurants.

 

Wait a second, if you look, I got his calendar here and he has the same thing written down.  Actually, later today, he’s supposed to be at Donna…that diner, the dumpling diner.  CBT, then it has the time with the actual…in the city.  But then it looks like maybe he was trying to change the schedule.  Okay, so…uh-oh, James.  Oh boy.  What is it, Richie?  Well, a little…remember when I was saying people make mistakes and they admit they made the mistakes right awake?  Made a mistake, James.  Totally unintentional.  What was that, Richie?  Well, remember how we were broadcasting to that giant board and then I was also trying to broadcast to Z-Biff to let him know where Jiff was?  Yeah, you were live streaming.  Yeah, so I’ve been live streaming this whole time.  It looks like everybody from this town…it looks like I was live…oh boy.  This one, it was a mistake but it was not a…it wasn’t an intentional one.  I just don’t know some of these buttons.

 

It looks like I was live streaming internationally on a Z-Biff platform.  I clicked; I meant to just send it to Z-Biff headquarters but I clicked whole platform streaming.  Pretty much the entire Earth…Hearth knows, and they saw ‘cause I had the camera thing where we’re supposed to go to get…I’d shut it down now, James.  Just shut it down.  Okay, so everybody’s gonna be…okay, so we better go, James.  Okay, so how are we gonna do this?  That’s pretty far away.  Okay, but the difference is, James, in this…in Hearth, remember how that…Jiff had that thing, that rivalry with the Musk…Elton Musk or whatever?  Yeah, I know.  He was gonna…yeah, that hypertube thing is here, so we could just get in the hypertube and take it just right out of…that must have been how Jiff was traveling.  The hypertube station’s right here.  Okay, so we should have had…gotta figure out what these letters mean.  Okay, let’s get in the hypertube here.  Oh, we’re already here.

 

This thing travels…I don’t know if it’s light…I think it’s not lightspeed, James.  Wow, I don’t know how we don’t have this in our world.  That was…oh, we don’t live on Earth anymore.  Oh wait, we got rid…oh, so this is great for the people that live here.  Yeah, so okay, looks like…okay, so they beat us to the group of…they’re already surrounding the diner there.  Oh, we could tune in on Z-Biff.  Oh yeah, looks like Jiff’s not there, according to reports.  Let’s go to this next place, James.  Okay, this Paloma’s Pupusa…okay, so let’s get on the hypertube.  IPT.  Okay, let’s go out of the station here.  Okay, so, we gotta walk down this block.  James, I’m preparing for the fact that this plan’s not gonna work out because of the accidental…the mistake I made live…okay, you don’t have to…you apologized once.  Don’t show off with your apologies.  Okay, but last…once I knew it was live streaming, it made it easier for me to apologize so everyone that would see it, so I just wanted to apologize for real this time ‘cause I apologized last time…I was doing it because I knew I was on camera.

 

I just wanted to look good.  Now I apologize for accidentally live streaming while we were in…yeah, so they’re surrounding the Donnastella’s diner but Jiff’s not…Paloma’s Pupusas.  Okay, so no one knows what those letters mean though, James.  Let’s go back to the hyper…let’s talk ‘cause I just was thinking of something when you said time zones.  What do you mean, Richie?  Okay, so, well, here’s the thing, James.  When we…we’ve gone to these two stops, right, and he easily got there before us.  There’s millions of people probably trying to track down J-Jiffy, so not really…we’re not gonna out…be ahead of them.  Right.  But also, all these people are trying to figure out what CBT and IPT and TT, FT, DBT, PDT, those…all those mean.  Right, Richie.  Thus far, no one’s figured it out.  I’m looking here.  People are theorizing but they’re not…there’s nothing that makes any sense.  There’s a lot of theories but my gut’s not…my gut’s saying they’re all wrong because none of them make any sense anyway.

 

Okay Richie, I’m not following you though.  Okay James, so you said what if…or maybe I said…one of us said what if it was a time zone, right?  PDT, one, I don’t think it meant the specific daylight time back at Earth.  That’s what it would be.  But then you rightly said no, they don’t have the same time zones here.  It’s a different world.  Their time zones are called different things.  Okay, so these letters would only be applicable…these are letters…whatever letter system Jiff’s using isn’t used here in Hearth.  Okay, so only we would know what they are.  No one on this planet other than me, you, and Jiff would know [00:50:00] what those stood for.  But me and you don’t know.  Right, right, James.  It’s a good sign.  We don’t know.  I mean, it also adds a hurdle because we don’t know, but it also means there’s something no one else will know.  Okay, so if we could figure it out, then we would be the only ones who figured it out but we don’t…shouldn’t one of us…other than PDT, we really don’t know what they stand for.  Okay James, let’s try to walk through it, okay?

 

Jiff’s going to all these places.  He’s trying to fix…I’ve been thinking a lot about it.  Maybe you have, too.  What did we learn and what did Jiff probably also learn?  That when a social media and shopping platform inconveniences a community or empowers a community to inconvenience itself in a strong way, it’s not really fixable.  We learned that it’s not something you can just fix.  It’s a very complicated situation and a lot of times by trying to fix it, you strengthen the sides or increase the level of unhappiness.  You think Jiff probably found that out, too.  Correct; I’m thinking this, James.  Also, that most of the temporary solutions to make it tolerable were through the Z-Biff platform.  You say well, we can’t change the feelings…we could try to change it in a different way because it’s not easy.  There’s a lot of strong feelings and I guess that what I learned from your feelings, James, is that strong feelings just don’t go away.  They’re there and you can’t not apologize.

 

For example, between us, I understand; you’re frustrated with me and you have been for a long time.  Here’s the thing, James, a little conundrum; you’ll always be frustrated with me at times.  Okay, I’m getting a little frustrated now just ‘cause I don’t see where you’re going.  I thought we were trying to figure out these numbers or letters or whatever.  Okay James, we’re more trying to deduce what they are.  Oh, so Jiff’s trying to fix things.  Even when we try to fix things, you can’t make them better.  We’re either making them worse or putting Band-Aids on it.  That was our frustrating, where we felt like we were just repeating everything.  Okay, I’m with you.  Okay, then there’s the fact that Jiff’s lived a lot, both as a human and as a post-human.  You know, while it might not be apparently evident, I’ve lived a lot too and you can’t help but learn things even if it’s by accident sometimes.  We also, the three of us or the four of us if you include Z-Biff, we’re all very successful at driving consumer behavior, I guess would be really simple in providing solutions while driving consumer behavior.

 

Okay, yeah, no, I’m with you on that one.  Maybe you learn after and you look back at things.  It’s like well, I would have done this differently, or what was I pursuing?  What was my responsibility?  We never talk about this, James, and I realize we don’t really have a lot of time to talk about these things but do you have any things you look back on and you’re not…that you would do differently now?  Yeah, I mean, it’s not easy to think about so I’m glad we don’t talk about it because…but yeah, I did a lot, obviously, not just on…while I was a human, but post-human I would make a lot of different choices, too.  Okay, but post-human is different.  When we were titans of retail industry, people ever come in and say oh, you have a responsibility to do this.  We’d say well, put it in a bill…make us follow it and we’ll follow it.  We’re accountable to the people we’re accountable for.  For me, maybe that was a mistake I look back at and I say well, huh.

 

Okay Richie, but I think when you go into that, you also have to look at the emotions behind that and say well, could you go back to your emotions at the time and say what would you have said?  Well, I’ll just be more accountable to be more accountable.  Is that realistic?  No, James.  But if you follow me one more step further into Jiff’s mind, what if this is what Jiff…so, maybe it only happened here on Hearth.  But what if Jiff, in following our path, maybe Jiff thought of this before we did, James, and now I’m only thinking about it.  Maybe it hasn’t crossed your mind but I think it probably has in some way, James.  What if Jiff realized that it was futile, a little bit, all of our efforts?  Was it because of people or was it because of the ubiquity of the social media and shopping platform?  Okay.  I think I’m missing one piece of this.  Okay, well, just like JC, just like Richard Warren, just like Jiff, our businesses were mostly income-generating things.

 

A large part of that emotional and actual accountability was to that.  Like you’re saying, the feelings about saying well, now we need you to be accountable to this.  You say well, that’s a different system.  When we were in Besos, the utopia, you were accountable for your choices in a different way than on Earth or Hearth.  Okay, so what if Jiff was trying to come up with a way…okay James, remember we talk about when you…with the straws.  You can’t just keep throwing stuff away or diluting things, not dilute…like, dilute.  Can you put it into words for me, James?  I don’t know if I’m able to put it into words but I think I know…you know what I’m talking about.  You’re saying that Jiff is trying to come up with a framework, like some sort of professional framework to make Z-Biff accountable for the emotional pollution it causes, in a real and tangible and…you’re probably saying like a science-backed way, because that would be actually data-driven which would fit in the revenue framework.

 

Correct, James.  Jiff maybe had one plan going in but Jiff’s plans have changed.  Okay, if that was the case, Jiff would be…if Jiff’s plans changed, which you’re right, before Donnadella’s Dumpling Diner, there wasn’t any…these initials before it.  Right, James.  What if Jiff was meeting with professionals to try to come up with an…accountability standards for Z-Biff?  He was also kind of…he was probably not going as J-Jiffy, so those people didn’t know.  They were probably meeting at these places.  Jiff said well, I want to go on the Country Roads, Country Cooking city tour.  That was just how Jiff was relaxing, but he said well, might as well meet that person at the pupusa place.  These are like…oh, wait a second, you’re right; you’re saying that Jiff was meeting with scientists and mental health professionals to do…wow.  Richie, I can’t believe you came to all these conclusions.  Yeah James, I mean, there was a little…couple other of Jiff’s notes I didn’t point out to you that helped me.

 

But here’s the thing Jiff didn’t realize, James.  What’s that, Richie?  Sooner or later, all these people are trying to find Jiff and they’re gonna figure out what those…they’re gonna figure out who was at the diner, they’re gonna interview everybody, and between the collective work, they’re gonna figure this out.  Then they’re gonna…I guess they’re gonna have to decide how they feel about it.  That’s gonna [01:00:00] take a little bit of time, so that gives us a little bit of time, because what our job is at this point, James, is the same job we had which now we don’t know who Z-Biff is, right?  We don’t know how Z-Biff’s gonna feel about this.  We just gotta go get Besos.  That’s why we started this and that’s how we’re gonna get to the end of this.  Maybe we should probably help Hearth and if Z-Biff’s open to being helped…but maybe Hearth will decide they don’t want a science-backed solution for pollution caused by social media and shopping platforms.

 

Yeah, I don’t know if people will go for the term emotional pollution.  I just don’t think that’s…I think it’s an apt description, but yeah.  Right James, but it is Z-Biff’s responsibility.  Maybe it was our responsibility too, and I shirked it.  I’ll admit it, I’ll admit it James, because…speaking of fictual…maybe…yeah, I know what you mean, Richie.  With that said, what do we…how do we get Besos, then?  ‘Cause sooner or later I guess we’re back at zero then, aren’t we?  No James, ‘cause right now we’re the only ones that know what Jiff is up to, except maybe Z-Biff.  Maybe Jiff’s either told them or they’re trying to get it out of Jiff and they’re using…they have all those algorithms, James; different than the human algorithm.  We have the humans…or the Hearthians trying to figure it out.  Then we have Z-Biff and Z-Biff’s algorithms trying to figure it out, and they have Jiff.  They may be close ‘cause they’re probably monitoring what everyone else is saying.  What do we do?

 

Okay James, well, I borrowed someone’s device; I left it when they were all trying to gather around the pupusa place.  I have a plan.  What’s your plan?  We’re gonna go undercover and we’re gonna get Besos.  We’re gonna present ourselves…here, I’ll make a call.  You stay…just sit here.  Let’s go to this…let’s check into this…hi, we’d like to check in.  Yeah, we…yeah, you can use this phone, whatever the credits are on the…oh, great; a lot of credits on that phone.  Don’t worry; we’ll make amends, James.  Don’t worry.  Yeah, we’d like to check into a room just for a little while.  We’re gonna rest.  Okay, thank you.  Yeah.  Oh, that’s my favorite number, by the way.  Thanks; have a great day.  Okay Richie, I don’t understand why we’re going to a room.  Well, ‘cause we gotta get some rest.  I’ll tell you…oh, let’s step into our room here.  A bed for each of us, James.  Lie down and get comfortable.  I’ll tell you the plan, then we’ll get some rest and we’ll enact the plan.  Okay Richie, I’m comfortable.

 

James, get under the covers please, and take your shoes off.  I mean, come on.  Okay, I’m under the covers, Richie.  Okay James, here’s the plan.  Well, two plans; you can choose which one and you could think about it and decide in the morning.  We call Z-Biff on this device, we tell them that we were supposed to meet with Jiff, J-Jiffy.  We present ourselves as experts and maybe we even say that we’re from another world.  We’re experts in Freudian…we’re Freudians.  I don’t think that’s what they’re called, Richie, but I think that’s what PDT is, actually.  How do you know that, James?  James, tell me how you feel about me understanding.  Okay, so what, that’s the plan?  Or we tell them we’re doing a reality show.  We were scheduled to do a real…I like the reality show, too.  The same thing; we just tell them the same thing.  We’re just two…we were hired by Jiff, J-Jiffy, to do a reality show and…but still, around this mental health of understanding.  Either way, and then…well, no, no, no.

 

We don’t tell them that, James.  Here’s the thing; we give them only a tease of that.  We were supposed to meet with J-Jiffy at the Henrietta’s Hamburger Heaven, wherever…whatever…some place we’ll make up, where J-Jiffy was supposed to meet us.  Jiff will know what that means ‘cause hamburger might not be a word here.  I think it is.  The weird thing about the backup…I just don’t think the initials are the same.  Okay James, either way, though.  Then Jiff will…Z-Biff will be in and we’ll figure it out from there.  Oh, so we tease why we were supposed to meet Jiff and maybe we tell them we have to tell Jiff in person, or maybe they’ll just want to observe it.  Okay, I think that’s a great plan.  Let’s get some rest.  Okay James, you get rest and maybe while you rest, James, think about those examples I tried to set with that story about apologies, to best friends making amends, anything that might come up for you that you may…that you might relate to with that character Worty, you know.  I’ll rest here and I’ll think about whatever story…oh, the story of Benedict Arnold and how I could help him.  If I was Benedict Arnold’s imaginary friend, how I would help him.  Okay, goodnight James.  Goodnight; Richie, thank you.  Thank you so much, really.  It means a lot to me, and goodnight.

 

[END OF RECORDING]

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