868 – Alba Salix Crossover
Tonight’s bedtime story is quite a sleepy yarn, where we meet a dreamy fairy named Holly and our heroine Alba Salix, Royal Physician.
EPISODE 868 – Alba Salix Crossover
[START OF RECORDING]
SCOOTER: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and friends beyond the binary, it’s time for the podcaster that’s here so you don’t feel alone. Patrons, you enable me to be here on a regular basis. I appreciate that. It’s time for Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. This is a special crossover episode with my friends over at Alba Salix Royal Physician, so if you want to hear the original version of this podcast, the link to it is gonna be in the show notes or you could search A-L-B-A S-A-L-I-X, Alba Salix, in your podcast app of choice.
[INTRO]: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake; it could be thoughts, things on your mind you’re thinking about in the past or present or future, feelings, like any emotions coming up for you whether they’re related to thoughts or they’re just there, or they’re around. You say they’re drifting in and out. That happens to me. Physical sensations; it could be changes in routine, or whatever it is, it’s not easy sleeping for a lot of us. Whether it’s something external or internal or you’re not sure, like me; I’m usually baffled when I can’t sleep. It’s very rare that I can just put it on one thing and if I could, I would, other than having too many cups of coffee which I normally am pretty good about.
Well, not about…I have too many cups but I stop drinking them at like, 11:00. Also, here’s…well, we’ll get into pro tips later but if you’re gonna have too many cups of coffee, use the same cup. Don’t try to have too many cups of coffee at the same time. Learn from my mistakes. Also, don’t walk around your apartment carrying too many cups of coffee ‘cause that just…I’ve tested these things out so you don’t need to. But what I’m gonna do here, like I said, I’m gonna try and create a safe place and send it your way or invite you in, whichever’s more comfortable for you. I’m gonna be like a friend near your bedside, in your general vicinity, and what I’ll do is I’ll send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’ll use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, oh boy. You say does he…he meanders without…and he never gets to a point. I say thank you so much for the kind words. Thanks for getting me. Pointless meanders, superfluous tangents, extra…so many extra words or sounds.
They’re more sounds than words. Utterances; I don’t know, have I ever used utterances in there? It makes me wanna make jokes about udders but I know I did that in the last two or three hundred episodes. I talked about…there’s probably been a hundred episodes; maybe it was like, two episodes ago that I talked about my fake resume and that I started an ice cream business called Udder Delight. Then I thought well, maybe it would be a vegan ice cream business, right? Did I think about that the last time I brought it up or was that just in my regular thinking? Was that when I was professionally meandering or just my normal day-to-day hobbyist meandering? But that would be the thing; you say well, this ice cream is udder delight because the udders are delighted because they don’t have to deal…you get it, right? Whatever, it’s not milk-based ice cream. You say we got it, Scoots, the first time you said it. It could be cream-based and you’d say well, it’s delightful. It’s utterly delightful.
I’d say well, thanks for listening to my utterances about udders. Businesses using the term ‘udder’ didn’t work out. It was just a fake resume anyway. So, oh, so if you’re new, holy, that may have thrown you off. I’m the type of person, you know, a hobbyist, meanderer, and thinks it’s funny to make fake resumes which I still think is funny even though I don’t…I wouldn’t know the structure of a resume now. It’s been a while since I’ve spun up the old fake resume. Maybe that could be an episode one day. I think I probably did one about that. Okay so, where was I? If you’re new, I went off-topic early. I’ll be going off-topic again. It won’t be long ‘cause I already had something I had talked about and then I forgot about minutes ago, before utterances came up. Didn’t I say another thing that…? I don’t know. I’m glad you’re here. I’m here to keep you company as you fall asleep, so a couple of things to know if you’re new; if you’re skeptical or doubtful or ambivalent or feeling a little angst, that’s totally understandable.
This podcast, one, not for everybody. Two, very different, three, extra-strange, and very odd. So, I’m gonna give you some information but…so, that’s totally…you say what is this thing? I’m not sure if I like it. I say, just like…that’s what we say at Udder Delight. We say the first time you might not be sure, especially about our more obscure flavors like, I don’t know, I was trying to think of an obscure flavor that fits bedtime that you can’t already get, ‘cause now there’s so many obscure ice cream flavors. Maybe we’d name ours…I was thinking of…I wanted to say Something Something Pamplona. I don't know why I thought of that but you’d say The Shades of Pamplona. You say well, what does that even taste like? I say well, what I feel like. I haven’t been to Pamplona. I actually know nothing about it other than it sounds great on my mouth. This ice cream…well, maybe that’s the way we do it. We just say…I love saying Pamplona because it’s just a nice word to say. Pamplona.
You could say it while you’re lying in bed; Pamplona. See? It’s not Pamplona. That’s what…but oh, I’m talking to new listeners. Sorry about that. The rest of my parts of my brain that I was giving attention to…so, if you’re skeptical or doubtful, totally understandable. I mean, if someone says they’re gonna put you to sleep and then they start talking about fake resumes and vegan ice cream businesses and making udder-related references, you say I’m utterly confused with two t’s and not two d’s. Your utterances are utterly…I’d say okay, that’s fair enough. I get it. It’s a very common reaction. In fact, most regular listeners say it takes two or three tries to get used to the show but I also want to run through a few of the things that could throw you off if you’re new. One, this is not a podcast to really be listened to. You can listen but you could also barely listen or moderately listen, or listen to it for a little while and then…do you know what I’m saying? It’s kind of a podcast you consume in a nearly-passive way.
Not totally passive; like, you’d say this is like a passerby podcast. You say well, I don’t even know what that means. I say well, I’m trying to think of what it means. Give me a second. You say well yeah, most podcasts you’re not a passerby. You’re in there; it’s in your ears and this one, you could walk…if someone was playing a guitar or mandolin or banjo or ukulele or ukulele or kazoo out on their porch and you were walking by, I mean, that would be an awkward situation. You could stop and listen. For me it would be awkward ‘cause I say well, do I have to make eye…do I have to talk to the person? Should you talk to someone while they’re playing a musical instrument, particularly a kazoo? Probably not. Do I make eye contact with them? Then you’re committed to something when you stop and you’re actively engaged. This podcast, oh no, no, no, don’t gotta do that. None of that kind of pressure. You heard how I folded under that pressure and maybe you could relate to that.
You say yeah, I’m not emotionally equipped to deal with buskers or people just playing music for joyful reasons. As long as it’s at a distance I would be fine, but getting too close and having to interact with them? Too much for me. I’ll pass. I’d prefer to be a passerby and listen; enjoy it as it comes and enjoy it as it goes. That’s kind of how you consume Sleep With Me, maybe. It’s a podcast you don’t need to listen to but you can. It’s a podcast that really doesn’t put you to sleep. It’s one of the few sleep podcasts that claims it doesn’t put you to sleep. It’s more here to keep you company while you drift off. That’s the reason the episodes are about an hour, is I’m here to be your bore-bae, your bore-bud, your bore-sib, your bore-cousin, your bore-cuz, your bore-bestie, your bore-bruh. Whatever you want to call it, [00:10:00] I’m here to be at your bedside talking and taking your mind off of stuff as you drift off as we pass by and then you kind of keep passing by into the arms of Morpheus.
There’s one more piece to that, that is if you can’t sleep, I’m gonna be here to the very end. I’m committed to you. I’m committed to taking your mind off of stuff the whole time. I’ll be here to the very end so for those of you that can’t sleep or need this podcast during the day, I’m here for you, okay? I want you to know that. Those are the important things to know if you’re new. The other thing that can throw people off…I guess I always talk about this but I don’t think I can…I try to give you a heads up but usually the people it throws off, there’s not much I could do; is, the show is very different structurally. It starts off with a greeting, then there’s business, and believe it or not it does take a lot to put this show out, working and all that. The business is what enables us to keep the podcast free here for you twice a week. But if you’re new, really not important at all. Then there’s an intro which also throws a lot of people off. The intro is somewhere around twelve to twenty minutes of me talking about the podcast and introducing it.
You say well, can’t you do that in a more straightforward, efficient way? I’d say you’re thinking like somebody that plays a kazoo for an audience. This podcast is not meant to be consumed so much in that way. Plus, I don’t know if I’d be good at…I don’t know if I’m good at getting to the point. If I did, I’d have a get-to-the-point cast, a podcast about points and pointillism and pointed things. We cover it all; counterpoints, points, all those things. You say is that really a show? Oh yeah, so we talk about pointillism usually first, then pointy stuff. That’s kind of our potpourri section; even pointy potpourri. We, actually, that’s one of our sponsors. Pointing your way to good smells, pointy potpourri. It’s pointy for people that like pointy stuff that smells good; pointy potpourri. Then, the last half of the show, we have pointed things we talk about and…or point…sometimes it’s poignant but it’s always pointed here on the Pointy Cast. Then usually at the end we have a bonus thing about pointers, you know, dogs and also maybe famous moments of pointing in history.
I guess that show wasn’t to the point either, but…so, you could see where I’m not good at that. But the real reason the intro is twelve to eighteen minutes to twenty minutes is because I want to give you time to ease into bedtime. There’s so much expectations or there’s this idea that you just fall asleep and for me and hundreds of thousands of listeners that I’ve interacted with, that just…it doesn’t work that way. I found that the intro works to give you a nice, long runway into sleep whether you start listening as you’re getting ready for bed or as you’re in bed getting comfortable or as you need a break during your day. The intro just kind of slowly lowers the volume of the day. I guess that’s what I’m saying. That’s why I really ramble for so long, is to help you drift away. Then I’ll talk…tonight it’ll be our crossover episode with Alba Salix Royal Physician. This’ll be really fun. Holy Holly, is it gonna be a good time, and very sleepy. I’m excited about that. Then our show ends with some thank yous and goodnights.
So, that’s the structure of the show. I’m trying to think of what else. Yeah, I don’t know, I think that’s it. I mean, I make this show because I believe you do deserve a good night’s sleep. You deserve a safe place of respite and distraction where you could get comfortable and get some rest. I’ve had so many struggles with sleep and dreading bedtime, and I’d like to improve that for you if I can. I can’t do it for everybody. I wish I could because if you get a good night’s sleep, the world’s gonna be a better place. It’s gonna be a little bit better for you and a little bit better for everybody else. That’s why I make this show, is I believe in it and I believe in you getting some sleep. I believe in you not listening to me soon.
Either way, I mean, let’s be honest, either way that’s gonna happen, right? Give it a few tries and see how it goes. If you give it a few tries and it works good, you won’t be listening to me in good way and if it doesn’t work for you, hopefully we just…you say well, let me try some other stuff. There’s a percentage of people that let me know how strongly they feel about…but you know, that’s just being human and being tired. Why not? Some people get that Oscar-type feel; Oscar the Grouch, I mean. So, totally understand. I was a bit cranky today too, and now I get to be here putting you to sleep and I feel good. I think that’s it. I’m glad you’re here. I really work hard and I strive to help you fall asleep. I appreciate you coming by and here’s a couple of ways we’re able to keep this podcast free for you and everybody else. Thanks.
Good morning, Millie. Good morning to you, Your Majesty. Tea? Yes, please. Beautiful day out today. The girls are off to the riding lesson. Yes, though it took a bit of doing. Wilhelmina is still unhappy they don’t have unicorns. Well, mommy and daddy can’t afford unicorns this year. Where is Gunther, anyway? His Majesty’s still in bed, I think. [YAWNING] No, I’m just barely waking up. Almost awake, almost. I swear it must be something in the tonic Alba gave me for my…is that the sound of our silent tea set crashing to the floor silently? Oh, my word, Your Majesty. Millie, that is the queen’s favorite tea set of mine. The queen. You do better take care…look at what you’ve…Gunther, what is it? Parabel, what’s the matter? Your hair, Gunther. What about my hair? I’m just barely…do I still have bedhead or something? It’s all yarn; look in the mirror. Oh, for heaven’s sake, get Alba in here. [CLEARING THROAT] By appointment to the King and Queen, Alba Salix, Royal Physician.
Episode the First. Well met. Renaissance music is so nice to hear right now. You’re hearing it in your mind. Bubble, bubble, bubble, toil and trouble. I mean, look here, plus…Page 42. Oh, that’s 24. Grind and add seven leaves dried catnip. Is that per dose or the whole cauldron, I wonder? Oh, my door; Alba. Hi, Jerome. I was wondering if you could help me out. I’m a bit busy this afternoon. Oh, I understand. It won’t take long; I’m just having a touch of the old rumor spreading again. You know, where I constantly spread rumors about people. I need a potion to put a stop to it. Mm-hm, mm-hm. I was wondering if there was anything you’d recommend for it. The copper bracelet’s not working anymore? Nope, I tried copper rings and a copper neck brace too, but it’s just not doing the trick. I was wondering if you had a potion for it to give me to stop spreading these rumors. I’ve got three orders to fill right now, Jerome. Not to her; yeah, it can wait. Cloppity, cloppity, cloppity, clop.
Excuse me for a moment. Can I help you? Yes, I must see someone about my back. You’re in luck; our visiting chiropractor Balthig the teddy bear is in today. Have you seen him before? No, I have not. Alright, well, you’ll need to fill out this patient information form. Certainly. Cloppity, cloppity, cloppity, clop. Boy, a centaur. Don’t get many of them around, eh? No, we don’t. Tall fellow, he is. He certainly is. So, are you coming to the palace tonight? The palace? To see the show; the dancing monks are in town to…for…they’re doing all their dances. They astonish people with all of their moves; aerobatic dancing, breakdancing. I don’t even know what breakdancing is, Alba. Not interested. I really don’t need to see a bunch of bald dancing monks jumping around and breaking things or whatever break-dancers do. But Alba, they breakdance on cardboard. I don’t know why. I think it’s so it’s smoother. They’re doing a great dance-off. They only perform it once publically every eight years. Very exciting.
Yeah, very exciting. Seen it before. Cloppity, cloppity, cloppity, clop. Hold on then; what’s this about a consultation fee? I’m afraid chiropractic isn’t covered for centaurs, or centaurs, or centaurs, or whatever it is…however you pronounce your name. Now, how is that fair? Let me see; you’ve got twice the vertebrae and [00:20:00] two rib cages. Oh, my word, for the love of my tail. I don’t set the prices. You’ll have to take it up with Balthig. He’s right through there. I believe I will. Cloppity, cloppity, cloppity. Door closed. Now, where was I? Okay, one penny weight of powdered parchment leaf. Bring to a boil. Stirring, stirring, stirring. Oh, my door just opened once again. Alba, I have the hiccups. Do you really? They’re terribly awful. I hiccup, hiccup, hiccup. Make them stop. That’s easy; you just stand on one foot…no, no, the left one. That’s it. Now, give me your hand, put out your pinky finger. Like that? Just like that. Good, now hand me that laundry clip. What do they call those?
How do I…where’s my…hand me that laundry pin. This…hiccup, hiccup. This laundry pen here? I called it a pen, Alba, but it’s a laundry pin. Just hand it to me. Thank you. Okay, now hold still and hold out your finger nice and tight. Wait, wait, wait. What is it? They’re gone. The hiccups. They’re all gone. Are they? Well, that’s a relief. I guess we don’t have to…it’s a clothespin. I just realized that was what it was called. You don’t have to wear a clothespin on your finger for years, now. Phew, but if you ever get bad hiccups again, you just come and talk to me, okay? Okay. You’re sure they’re gone? Totally gone. Thanks, Alba. Don’t mention it. Is that the door? What’s that noise in the room next door? Oh, my back, oh my word. Teddy bear, you can really give a back rub. Other side, please. Oh, that is a good, good back rub. That sure was lucky, wasn’t it, Alba? Are you still here? If those hiccups hadn’t stopped, she would have had to wear a laundry pin or a clothespin, which we realized it’s called a clothespin, Alba, to hold up clothes, clothes that are from the laundry.
Yes, he would. Teddy bear, holy, are you walking on your hands on my back or is that your feet? It’s so plush. It’s supposed to rain tomorrow I heard, and the day after that. I don’t know how they tell. Do you know how they tell, being a sorceress and all? Jerome, I’m supposed to cure all the ills of this kingdom here and you’re wasting my time. Oh, well. Anyway, about my rumorism, my constant spreading of rumors. Yes, yes, yes, you’re right. Here, take this. Drink a mouthful with every meal and don’t bug me anymore. Oh, well, thank you kindly. Is this gonna work at curing my ability to spread rumors or my…you know, my…it’s just something that springs up inside me, Alba. Alba. Absolutely; get rid of your spreading of rumors, or your desire to. Now, close the door behind you, please. Miss Alba Salix, His Majesty requests your presence at the palace. Oh yeah? ‘Tis a matter of some secrecy, he says, and most urgent. Ugh, now what? Tell him I’m on my way.
Bye, Alba; thank you. Please close the door behind…thank you. Oh, my back. Oh, boy. All done. Thank you, teddy bear. Balthig. Thank you, Balthig the teddy bear. Balthig. Thank you, Balthig. My back feels so good. You pay now. Yes, yes, of course. Very reasonable rates indeed. Here you go; this is the sound of us exchanging funds. Thank you. Remember stretching. Take care. Bye. Miss Alba Salix to see you, Majesty. Show her in. Hello, Alba. Hi, Gunther. Did you try out the new hair tonic I gave you? Yes, about that; what’s the towel for? Washing your new hair, were you? Look; it’s yarn. Look at it, I look like Raggedy Ann…those dolls they used to give to children, Alba; Raggedy Annie of Green Gables. Green, red, persimmon. Is that persimmon yarn in my hair where my hair would have been? Yes, well, that’s a lovely head of yarn, Alba. I already covered it. It’s tickling me, it’s tickling the queen, it’s making me sneeze. Well, yeah, how do you think that happened?
Clearly a result of your tonic, Alba. Clearly not, clearly not. There’s no way it could have caused anything like this. Alba, what am I supposed to do now? Well, the yarn look is very in now. They call it Muppet chic; I think is what they’re calling it. You look like a knock-off of the old Raggedy Annie of Green Gables or whatever. I will not live with yarn on my head. What if it tickles me and I sneeze on the queen or in front of my subjects? It’s only yarn; it’s harmless. Parabel won’t come near me. I can’t go out in public like this. I was gonna go to the dancing monk show later and watch them this evening. They breakdance on cardboard. Yes, sorry Your Majesty. I’ll see what I could do. What am I supposed to do in the meantime? I’d keep that towel on. You don’t want your yarn to get dirty.
One, two, three, four, one, two, three, four. Shuffle, ball, step. Shuffle, ball, change. Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow it down. Good work, brothers. Let’s take a fifteen before we rehearse the second half. Yes, Father. Father Lang, Father Lang, can I show you my windmill now? I think I can almost spin on my head. Not now, Brother Magnus. But you promised to let me show you; I’ve been working hard. Magnus. Please, I want to be a dancing monk with the…I want to learn how to breakdance. I mean, I really already know how to do it. I just haven’t been able…you haven’t given me a chance to show my moves. I’ve told you before; you’re young still and you don’t have the proper energy and attitude to pursue the art of dance. But I want to learn to pop-and-lock and do the slow-motion robot and that other thing where you jump over one of your legs when it looks like you’re jumping over the other leg, and then the outer-space walking where you’re moving backwards. Please, Father Lang.
You’ll only prove my point. Okay, sorry, I renounce all worldly things. I promise to use my powers for good and I don’t have an ego and stuff. Can I be a dancing monk now? Magnus, your skills lie in other areas. You have it in you to be an excellent healer. Stupid healing. Can’t you teach me one…just teach me the pop. You don’t have to teach me the lock. You know, that one with the…just with the arms. Please, Father Lang. Oh, there’s someone coming here. Hush, boy. Miss Salix? Miss Alba Salix? Miss Salix, excuse me, are you Miss Alba Salix? That’s me. A pleasure. I’m Father Lang of the Order of Dancing Monks. Nice to meet you. Look, is this gonna take very long? I’ve got an important matter to attend to on behalf of His Majesty. I understand you’re the Head of the new House of Healing and as such, I wonder if you might have a place for a young man who shows great potential as a surgeon. A surgeon? Yes. Permit me to introduce Brother Magnus. Are you a W-I-T-C-H?
Magnus, this is Miss Alba Salix, the Royal Physician. Royal Physician? I come from a position of privilege and patriarchy and I’m not sure how I feel about this. An apprentice, this kid? I’m not a kid. I’m seventeen and I know how to breakdance. I can’t say that he sounds of much use to anyone, let alone me. He does have some skill and he’s got…your great potential. I don’t need any assistance. You heard the W-I-T-C-H. I certainly don’t need him. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some herbs to gather. Gunther? Yes, Parabel? Did Alba get rid of…? No, dear. She’s working on it, though I may as well give in and get Krankel in here to have a look. You said you weren’t going to ask him.
Well, what choice do I have? Well, maybe I can help. What do you propose to do, dear? Well, you know that I have mystical powers, too. Yes. I am Alba’s sister, remember? Do you know any yarn-removal spells? Well, not spells. I haven’t studied the way Alba has, of course, but if I concentrate and picture you in my mind without the yarn…yes? Then, if I kiss you…well, you’ll have to come a bit closer, my dear. [00:30:00] Smoochy, smoochy, smoochy. Anything? Not yet. Kissing always works. Perhaps if you kiss each string of yarn separately. Go ahead, it may tickle my lips. I don’t know if the feel of yarn against my lips is not something that appeals to me. Please, please, my dear. Alright, here we…it’s…no, no, no, this is not gonna work. You better summon Krankel.
Good morning meadow, good day. You’re the loveliest meadow of all, I dare say. Hello, Mr. Hedgehog. Hello, bumblebees. Hello, daisies and black birds and sycamore trees. Oh, what’s that sound? Snakeweed. Why can’t I find any snakeweed? Swallowtail, butterflies, grasshoppers too. Oof, we just bumped into one another. Why don’t you look where you’re going? Oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t see you there. Why don’t you watch where you’re flying? Here, let me help you with your basket. My name’s Holly, by the way. Silly fairies. I said I was sorry, yeesh. Look, I can manage my basket just fine. Oh, choke cherries. Are you making a liver tonic? No. A poultice? No. A charm against losing things absentmindedly? No. It’s for removing yarn from someone’s…who in the heck are you, anyway? Yarn? Oh, choke cherry doesn’t remove yarn; it’s just an old wives’ tale. Oops, sorry, I didn’t mean it like that, like being that you’re an old wife. I didn’t mean it like that. I’m neither. I’m neither.
Thank you very much, now excuse me. Alright, well, see you later. You know, what’s better for removing yarn is silver bark. Did I ask? It just seemed like the best way to help you out, you know, to make amends for bumping into you and calling you an old wife. That’s very kind but I don’t need your help. Fine. But really, you should try the silver bark. There’s a stand of it right over there. All the books I’ve read say choke cherry. Well, who are you gonna believe, a bunch of books or an expert herbalist? Or an herbalist? I may be a herbalist or I may be an herbalist. Expert? You can’t even fly straight. Well, that’s just probably the rainbow-cap angel mushrooms I was trying earlier, you know? Oh boy. Have you seen a purple hedgehog? Because I was just…I just was…it was telling the funniest jokes earlier. They totally throw me off; I was chasing it around I think it said it had some snacks hidden. Have you seen any snacks hidden anywhere, Alba? I really should get a map or something.
I’m just totally lost. Uh-huh. It actually is a research project. It has value. I don’t know if you’re ever…you’re familiar with the studies they’ve been doing but personally I’m working my way through the native fungi of Farloria to find out their effects on fairy physiology which is very hard to say except for me; fairy physiology. You could even say I’m fairly fluent on fairy physiology, if you would like to say that over and over again quickly. But I’ll say it slowly again; I was thinking…trying to think of another word that meant study but I’m fairly fluent in fairy physiology and suddenly, all is explained. Can I at least carry your basket or something? No thank you. Please? I really need to do a good deed to set things right. It’s what we fairies do. Here, let me…no. No, do not touch my…this is my favorite basket. Do not touch my favorite basket. It’s nothing; it’s really nothing. Here, let me help. I’ll just pull it really hard…oh no! Is this a wicker basket? ‘Cause that sounds like the sound of wicker cracking in half and everything spilling out of your basket and also, those bottles of tinctures that are shattering on the ground there. Sorry about that. Ugh, you silly fairies.
Sorcerer General and his Executive Assistant to see you, Majesty. Ah, Krankel. Your Majesty. Do you know anything about removing this yarn? Perhaps from someone’s head? Yarn on someone’s head, Your Majesty? Yeah, on my head. I got yarn on my head. Look at this. Oh dear, how did this come about? Let me guess; perhaps it was that physician of yours with all her science. It was supposed to be a hair tonic. Oh, dear me, how terrible. Is there anything you could do? It’s a tricky business, this. Do you have any more of the tonic, so-called? Alba took the rest of the bottle. Hm, without being able to perform an analysis on this preparation, I will require more time to formulate a suitable remedy. I hope you’re enjoying yourself, Krankel. Not at all Majesty but I did warn you, if I recall. Yes, yes, stop touching my yarn. With respect, Majesty, it is consequence of allowing, if I may be so bold, a self-taught hedge W-I-T-C-H to administer to the health of yourself and the kingdom at large. Thank you, Mr. Krankel. Dr. Krankel. Just look for a remedy please. Of course, Majesty.
Back bubbling here, bubble, bubble, bubble. Let me stir this here, tap my…oh, that fairy really got under my skin but tapping this spoon against my cauldron really relaxes me. Now, where was I? Two parts tincture of rose hip to three parts dragon scale oil. Reduce the heat, add three cups of cow parsnip…oh, somebody’s opening my door. Oh, it’s you. I’m sorry I wronged you Miss Alba Salix, and now I must…what are you doing in my pantry? I must do three good deeds for you to set things right. Look; I brought you a new basket. How did you get in? Through the window. Oh, gods. Yeah, sorry about that, by the way. I think the latch…I think I may…I’m not a latch expert. I’m sorry about that, too. Then there was the glass; I swept up the glass too, but I could put a board over it or something ‘til we figure it…do you know anybody? Do you know any…is it a glazer or a glazer? How come they’re just not called glassers? Do you know that? It’s with a z, I believe, they spell it.
You broke my window? Well, broke is such a strong word. I cleaned out the old glass to prepare it for the new. I’m sorry. I’ll fix it. Okay, so, now I owe you four good deeds plus a window. But look, I’ve been sorting everything in your pantry and putting it in order. You’ll be so happy. It’s so organized; look over here. You’ve been…oh, great Ivar, what have you done? I had everything in here organized by the Kondo method. The Kondo method? That must mean something different in your world ‘cause this was a great big jumble, a big mess in there. How could you find anything? I don’t even know how you knew where…it was very…this was strongly in need of reorganization. There’s a system; the Kondo method to me means things go where they go, and then I know where to find them. I had a system that worked and now I’ve got about two minutes to come up with a potion for the king. Ugh, I need to find some cow parsnip. These aren’t even in alphabetical order.
No, no, no, alphabetical doesn’t make any sense; not for organizing herbs or tinctures or pungents or unguents, or salves, or potions, tonics. Why would you put those in alphabetical order? I mean, if you’re looking for cow parsnip, it’s under C for…would it be under C for cow or P for parsnip? Or H for Heracleum? It’s so confusing, this Kondo method. You tell me. Look, I’ve organized them all by their glade miles, herbal catalogue number. So much easier. Oh, gods help me. Are you going to run through all of this right now when I’m in the middle of making something for the king? There’s the 800s which is everything with a hollow stem. Here’s your hemlock, your fennel, your parsley. Look; cow parsnip. Do you want the greens or the flowers? You could also say, before I get carried away, Alba, there’s giant hogweed over here which, be careful; keep it at its distance, you know. Spotted cowsbane, waterdrop wart. My favorite is donkey rhubarb. It makes…Alba, if you ever need to laugh, you just say donkey rhubarb.
It is my favorite rhubarb. Cheerful chervil…I always say I have trouble saying that. Chervil, I think. It’s cheerful chervil…[00:40:00] it’s funny that I could say other things but then I have trouble saying cheerful chervil, Alba. Dog celery, you know. Alba, have you ever known a dog named Celery? Do you think you would call a dog name…would you call a dog Celery or would you give it…do you know dogs can eat celery? You seem speechless, Alba. Then there’s fennel carrot. I used to have a dog that ate fennel carrot all the time. It wasn’t actually…it was a dog that I would fly around. It would chase me. We had so much fun. I wish that dog was named Celery. Then there’s big, bad bamboo. Really, the softest bamboo. I don’t know who named it. Of all the bamboos, it’s the softest. It’s the best bamboo not for the frame of the bed and not for your bed itself. If you’re ever looking…you know, I mean, this is just in a jar here, Alba. This is not for sleeping.
But if you were gonna build a bed of bamboo, your middle layer could be big, bad bamboo. There’s Gordian knotweed. I still don’t understand anything about it. I always…they always…there’s entire classes on the Gordian knotweed and none of it…it’s beyond me. I thought I would take those rainbow mushrooms one time and I would understand the whole purpose of Gordian knotweed but it’s here in the 800s if you need it. There’s creeping coriander. It actually grows horizontally so remember it creeps…creeping coriander creeps horizontally. The bulbous goat millet. Don’t get that mixed up with a goat mullet, Alba. You’re not laughing at anything I say. I mean, look at how organized this is. This one is Diablo me caraway; great in bread but a little bit spicy. That’s why it’s Diablo me caraway. Kiwi quinoa. That’s another hard one to say, Alba. Would you like to say kiwi quinoa? No, I would not. Kiwi quinoa. I don’t know why that’s so hard to say. Kiwi quinoa.
Kiwi quinoa. I don’t know; maybe it was only hard that one time, Alba. What do you think? I think I need to get back to work. Then there’s Benjamin Buckwheat who I would imagine was the kid that always copied off your…was that your first love, Benjamin Buckwheat? Alba, is Benjamin Buckwheat the one…remember that tale…I used to fly by one of the human schools where they would teach you and I know when the kids were just small, still bigger than me, but very small. For all of you, they told the tale of Benjamin Buckwheat. He was the boy who became a grain of wheat that went from ready-to-harvest wheat to…and reverse-shrank back down into a little baby…whatever, that was how they taught…that was in the basic planting classes or whatever you call it, arigargology where they would teach you…are you about finished with your talking? Well, not quite. I was telling you the story about the…do you remember learning about Benjamin Buckwheat? It’s actually a thing, right here.
I have it organized for you now. Benjamin Buckwheat, right here in the 800s. Do you remember what the 800s are, Alba? I’m about to hollow something out. I’m about to hollow out a Holly, if you know what I mean. Oh Alba, you’re so silly. I’m so happy that we finally got to know one another, that we ran into one another. Now you know all your 800s and I get to help you. It’s really turning out to be a wonderful day, isn’t it? It’s not. I would not use the word wonderful for how this day is turning out, Holly, no. Okay, so anyway, back to what we were talking about. So, that’s the 800s in the glade miles herbal catalogue number system. I have everything set up here for you. Just give me the cow parsnip, please. There you go, you’re welcome. Please put my shelves back the way they were. But I have to do a good deed so that we can…here’s your good deed; put everything back the way it was and get out of my pantry. Jeez, okay, okay. Holy moly. If there’s one thing I don’t need, it’s more help, and please close…oh my gosh, the door’s opening.
Alba, for heaven’s sake, it’s your king. I’ve got a half-hour before I have to be back for that dancing monk show, so get to work. There you are, Gunther. I was just finishing up the mixture. Here, drink this. Gunther, take your towel off so we could see your head of yarn. This is delicious. Thank heavens. How long is it gonna take for this yarn to get off my head? It should be instantaneous. Well, I’m still feeling the yarn. Is there a particular instance you had in mind? ‘Cause I can’t go to watch breakdancing monks with a head of yarn in front of all my people, you know? They won’t be saying Your Grace. They’ll be saying what in the heck’s wrong with Your Grace’s head? Just give it a minute. I’m not feeling anything, Alba. Hey Alba, what should I do with your pumpkin extract? Oh hey, you kind of look like the king except you have a head of yarn, a little bit like that Raggedy Anne of Green Gables. I am the king. Well, I love the yarn. It looks great on you. You make the yarn…the yarn makes you; you make the yarn.
Oh, as the king, I am speechless. Alba, the yarn is still on my head. What the fork? They’re not shifting. I told you, Alba, it’s the silver bark. Well, I don’t have any. Not to worry; I brought some from the meadow. Here you go. Choppity, choppity, chop, clinkety, clinkety, clink, right here in the cauldron and the mortalling and the pestalling, right? Right by my side. Then you grind it up, you squeeze out the juice into one cup pear cider vinegar. Who is this person, Alba? As your king, I demand an answer. Her name is Holly. She’s helping out. You trust her? She’s an expert herbalist, so she claims. Sizzle, sizzle, sizzle. Fizzle, fizzle, fizzle. Just a little more bubble, bubble, bubble. No toil, no trouble. Dash of nutmeg, and here we go. Mm, this one isn’t actually that bad. Oh boy, I feel the yarn already falling off my head. The silent sound of yarn falling off someone’s head silently to the floor, but as the yarn silently falls, it turns to feathers. Oh, here, shake your head off, my king.
It’ll make it faster. No, no, no, don’t shake your head; your yarn is turning to feathers. They’re getting all over my place. Take your yarn and your head and the feathers outside. You see, Alba? It’s the oil in the silver bark. It helps the yarn turn into feathers and then they pop out and they float away right off the king’s beautiful head. Dear me, I’ve never been so glad to be bald. Bye-bye yarny-yarns. See you later. Great; my entire place is covered in feathers. That’s the last of the yarn. Thank heavens. I’ve gotta get back to the palace. Thank you, Holly, was it? Anytime, Your Majesty. Alba, I do hope you’re keeping her on. No, I’m holding out for someone even more annoying. Your Majesty, close the door on the way…what did I tell you? It was the choke cherry. It was just a delayed reaction. Was that a good deed or what? Holy Holly, I just put the…I just put it…I did one good deed for you, Alba. Now I have about thirty-five pounds of feathers all over my office. Oh right, I could help with that.
You know, here’s the thing; are these…if we made pillows from these feathers, would they be royal pillows? Do these feathers…are they regal? Could we sell them or something? Do you think they have a right to the throne because they…remember those tales about the…Alba, you’re just staring at me blankly. It looks like there’s steam coming off the top of your head. I was gonna ask you, do you remember that myth they taught the humans about, one…what was it? I don’t remember, it was one of your demi-gods or goddesses and then everybody jumped out of the god or goddess’s belly and so, they were gods and goddesses, right? So, are these feathers future queens and kings? I don’t care. Clean up the feathers and get them out of here. Hello, feather few, hello feathers. I’m gonna call you…I don’t know. I’ll take each one of you, [00:50:00] I’ll make you into pillows and I’ll call you…I don’t know. Oh, you are fancy royal feathers. Oh boy, I am excited to make pillows from all of you and I’m gonna put a pillow right on Alba’s sofa with all of you. You’ll be so excited to spend more time with her. Holly, get the basket and clean up the feathers. Right away, ma’am.
Your Royal Majesties, ladies and gentlemen, we present from the far western regions, the dancing monks of the Order of Teddy Bear Mountain. Okay, I’ll give you one, two, one, two, three, four. Here we go to the left, here we go to the right. Tappity, tappity, swishity-swish. Impressive, aren’t they? Mm, I like that one. Parabel, you had your belly dancers last week. You insisted they wear robes. Look; what do you call that? It’s traditional garb. It looks draft…how can they dance in that without getting cold? Oh, that’s rich coming from Mr.…oh, the sultan of Silvenguard has a harem; why can’t I? I didn’t say that. Oh yes, you did. Well, I didn’t say it like that. Your Majesties. Krankel, what are you doing here? I found a remedy for the yarn that’s been plaguing your royal scalp. Where’d your yarn go, Your Majesty? Alba took care of them. Did she? Well, she and her fairy. Which fairy would this be? If you please, Mr. Krankel. Dr. Krankel.
The show is about to start and you’re being most distracting. Indeed. Yes, my apologies, Majesty. Good evening to you both. A fairy, huh? And a one, two, a one, two, swish, swish, swish. The back-walk, and pop-and-lock, and jazz hands, and bow. Your Majesties, thank you for the applause. We humbly offer you the golden sunflower pop-and-lock windmill technique demonstrated by Brother Ko and Brother Fang. Clap, clap, clap. One, cloppity-clop, and two, cloppity-clop, and a three, cloppity-clop. Oh, that looks dangerous. Nonsense; this is just dancing, my dear. They’re just dancing. Just because it’s called breakdancing, it doesn’t have to do with breaking anything. A whoosh, whoosh, whooshity-whoosh. On the other hand…and a swoosh, swoosh, smooshity-smoosh, smoosh, smoosh, smoosh, and a whoop, whoop, whoop. Hello, everybody. I’m about to do a pop-and-lock just for you. I’m trying to rhyme; I’m trying to dance on time. My name is Magnus.
Just a bit of your time and I won’t whine as I breakdance from the school of Alfonzo Ribeiro. Who on earth is that? That boy is dancing out of control. His legs are moving so fast, I don’t think he can even control them. Brother Magnus, what are you doing? Your Majesties, I apologize. This is not part of our normal breakdancing routine. Magnus, get off the stage. Okay, watch this and that; I’m dancing. P-H-A-T spells phat and that’s what I’m doing, a spiral move. I’m swimming around. Don’t give you the blues. My name is M to the A to the G to the N to the U to the S and I’m moving so well. Takes away your stress. Magnus, don’t dance near the tent poles. I’m gonna do a backflip and I’m gonna jump off this pole, too. I’m gonna spin around and I’m dancing for you. The queen here; shouldn’t we call the guards in? My dearest king, I believe the dancing monks should be able to handle it. He’s one of theirs, after all. Not a very good one. Here we go, a pop-and-lock and a spin around.
I’m off the clock. Magnus, do not swing around on that pole. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, holy cow Father Lang, I’m going faster and faster. I’ve lost control. Magnus…oh my gosh, as queen, I’ve never seen anything like this. As king, I do declare this is…oh, he’s pulling down the tent and he skinned his knees. That’s gonna need to be…he’s gonna need his knees to be treated or something. What are we to do? Way to go, Magnus. Oh, my goodness, even as queen, I’ve never seen such skinned knees before in all my days. Oh no, I skinned both my knees and I’m still spinning on the pole and the tent’s coming down. Brothers, Father Lang, are you alright? It’s the rest of our dance crew; what happened? Find the right place to stand, my dancing monk brothers. This is Father Lang telling you if you find the right place to stand, even a dancing fool and the troubles they bring will pass you by. I’m fine too, by the way, Father Lang. Your Majesties, ladies and gentlemen, there will be a short break in our dancing performance.
I’m telling you; it makes perfect sense. It’s all in the book. It would help if either of us had this book. What’s next? Purple cone flower? It’s in the 900s. No wait; rats. It should be here between sunflower and ragweed. Never mind; I’ll go get some from the garden. I know it’s here somewhere. Thank you for your help. I can sweep the rooms too, organize your office? No. But I haven’t made amends properly yet. We’ll call it even. No, no, no, that’s not how it works. On my honor as a good fairy, I’ve solemnly…oh, your door. Set him down here. As the leader of the dancing monks, Miss Salix. Yes, what’s happened? A boy has over-danced and spun himself around and skinned his knees. Oh dear. One of yours? Hey, doc. Oh, it’s you. He ran out during the performance, spun around on a pole, lost control, brought the tent down, and skinned his knees. The least he could have done is finished the job. Holly, what can I do? I need fresh knee wart, lots of it. Coming up.
Miss Salix, I wouldn’t trust young Magnus to your care. What for? I’ll bandage up his knees and he can be on his merry way tomorrow. He’s not a very good dancer, one, and he’s…the skinned knees will prevent him from…we’re gonna do a new knee-dancing routine soon and we also have to get out of town early. Oh, the king didn’t appreciate the impromptu renovations, did he? He was tough but fair. Here’s the knee wart. Oh, this poor young person, skinned knees. I’m not a young person. I’m seventeen, thank you. Oh, we gotta wash your knees with soap and water. It’s actually gonna mildly sting. Wait a second; this isn’t what I learned from the patriarchy. The women and fairies were cleaning up and helping? I’m not comfortable with…hey, that’s not very nice. I’m here to help you. Magnus, hold still. This is going to mildly sting as I wash your knees and then put whatever that…pero…hydrogen…you know, our version of what some would call peroxide…hydrogen peroxide.
Oh, that does barely, mildly sting and as a child, I would not be comfortable with it. Well, I know you don’t trust our judgement, Magnus. You’re just a big splainer that knows everything. Holy juniper, those are some skinned knees. You’ll never dance again today or probably tomorrow. Oh, wow, that does sting but it feels good. My knees are…could you put something on my knees though that’s like a Band-Aid, like a puffy or something? Yeah, we’ll put some puffy bandages on your knees, don’t worry. It’s I, Alba, the head of the dance crew. I was just wondering if you’d given any more thought to taking on young Magnus as an apprentice. Are you serious? Look at the damage he did in one night. I think of it this way; he’s young, he’s not that bright, but he has great interest in dark magic. I understand you have some experience in that as well. Who told you that? Magnus needs a guiding hand like yours to set him on the right course. You want me to teach him dark magic?
No, I mean, you’ve made the journey to the darkest places of the soul and then you could come back to the light. You know, life’s not all or nothing, Alba. I know you know that. I’m not interested. I’ll fix the kid up, sure, [01:00:00] and his knees, but his karma? That’s your problem. Miss Salix, I hope you’ll reconsider. Alba, you’re gonna have to…I don’t know, I’m tired of dealing with this kid. You’ll have to finish up his knees. Great. Why don’t you have Threadstrong brand Band-Aids? A Stitch in Time are far better. Not on my knees; I only take…those are the ones…I want the ones with the orange on the inside and possibly some sort of hero printed on the front. These are D-series Band-Aids. They’re double-enchanted to prevent anything and everything and to make you feel good. They just happen to be hot pink. It’s not my problem. I’m telling you, Threadstrong’s the way to go. I don’t know what you know about putting bandages on knees, but I know what I know about it.
You want Threadstrong? Fine, but don’t blame me when your…oh boy. You’re making me…your knees are gonna heal a lot faster, you’ll dance a lot sooner if you trust me, kid. No, I’d prefer just you listen to me as I explain it to you. Who’s the physician here and who’s the expert in physicianing, Alba? Oh boy. Hold still. How’d you get this job, anyway? What makes you qualified to be the Royal Physician? Are you friends with the queen or something? I’m her sister, actually. Oh, that explains it once again. Wait a second, you’re the queen’s sister? Quick on the uptake; that’s just what I just said two seconds ago. Wait a second, that means it was you. You were gonna marry the king. Isn’t that what happened? Three sisters saved the king. The youngest actually cured him and married him. There’s a lot of different stories out there. So, does that mean you failed or the king preferred your sister to you? Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, what is that you’re putting on my knee now?
You should lay still and not talk while I’m scrubbing your knee. Oh, I guess I said something you couldn’t handle, huh, Alba? Oh yeah. Hey, is that what Brother Lang meant about the dark places of the soul? Who said that? Father Lang. He said that you know dark magic. He was just trying to trick me into taking you in. I bet you do. Hey, show me a trick. Like, do some magic on something. No. Please? Give it up. Lang, tell your young monk here I don’t do dark magic. Father Lang? He snuck out. Oh, these monks. You’re worse than the fairies. I know, huh? Alba? Yes, Magnus? Are you one of those…what are they called? Sith lordesses or something? You don’t want to know. Yeah, I do. No, you really don’t. Come on, you could tell me everything. I’m a dancing monk, or I was almost a dancing monk. Hey, where are you going? You haven’t finished up. I still have one knee that needs a Band-Aid on it. Good, keep it up. Ha-ha, funny. Alba? Here I am in Alba’s pantry, just Holly the fairy.
Oh hey, Alba. Can I get you anything? No, I’m fine. Sorry about ducking out; I just…skinned knees, they just…I needed some tea and I just wanted to calm down. I think I used the last of your chamomile but I can go get you some more. Mm-hm. What are you looking for? Found it; thanks. Alba, that’s not wild carrot, by the way. It’s hemlock, the famous kind of hemlock that all those philosophers made famous, I think, or some playwright made famous. I know what I’m doing, Holly. Alba, what are you doing? Just taking care of my patient. You’re not going to…I mean, he’s annoying and like, a splainer, but he’s just a kid. He’s not even a man-splainer yet. He’s a kid-splainer. Holly, I’ve got motive, means, and opportunity. The monks are gone. They danced out of town.
Who cares? This kid…gotta nip this splaining in the butt, if you know what I mean, or in the bud. Alba, I can’t let you do this. Get out of my way, fairy. Alba, I thought you were nice. Huh. Or, at least I thought you were a good witch, but you’re…yes? I don’t know. Alba, are you not all or nothing? You have morals and you decide on…based on your moral compass in the moment? Yes, yes. I have a belief system and sometimes I make good choices and sometimes I make bad choices, Holly. I’m not perfect. I’m just a human being. Wow. Thank the twinkly stars for that. Now, get out of my way. I’ve gotta go put a Band-Aid on that other skinned knee. Alba, hand the hemlock over. Ugh. Thank you, Alba.
As king, I call this court to order. Will the defendant please stand? Yo, I’m pushing my chair back and I’m standing up. Brother Magnus of Hezelford, late of the dancing…former dancing, breakdancing monk, this court finds you guilty of terrible dancing, pole dancing on a royal pole holding up a royal tent, causing a disturbance, making a mess of the new curtains, and skinning your knees on royal property. I object, your kingship. Don’t get smart with me. I, Gunther the Third, King of Farloria, do sentence you to 5,000 hours of community service. What? Did I say 5,000? I meant 6,000. What in the…holy shirt balls. To be served at the House of Healing under the care of Miss Alba Salix, Royal Physician. What? Hey. In the hopes that she will be a good influence on your character and keep you out of trouble. Gunther, what are you thinking? Court is dismissed. Alba, I’m counting on you. Gunther, wait. Hey there, boss. Hello, Magnus. You ready to rock? Fine. Let’s get back to the House of Healing. Sweet, you can give me my first lesson in black magic. Alright, alright. Have you ever tried hemlock? No. Is it good? Do, do, do. I can’t sing. I just remembered this is the ending credits of the show. Goodnight.
[END OF RECORDING]