865 – Princess Bride and the Friendly Faced Woman
Two bedtime stories become one sleepy meander as the newest Welcome To Night Vale novel leads to me trying to remember if I have ever remembered “The Princess Bride” on the podcast before. Check out the new novel over at http://www.welcometonightvale.com/books
EPISODE 865 – Princess Bride and the Friendly Faced Woman
[START OF RECORDING]
SCOOTER: Alright everybody, it’s time. What am I doing? Patrons, I don’t know what I’m doing. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and friends beyond the binary; those of you that support me get to hear my imperfections because we all got ‘em, am I right? It’s time for Sleep With Me, the show you support, the podcast that puts you to sleep.
INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m doing to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake. It could be thoughts, you know, you’re thinking about, things on your mind, thoughts, feelings, emotions coming up. Things you’re thinking about; past, present, or future, feelings like emotions or physical sensations. It could be changes in time or temperature or routine; like, a lot of routine…when changes aren’t routine, it’s more changes in your routine. Anything; whatever’s keeping you up. It could be something else. What I’m gonna do or what I propose to do, what I’m applying to do, what I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place.
I got plenty of room here. I’ll send it over there. We got that going and the way I’ll do it, is I’ll send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’ll use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents. I’m gonna go off-topic, I’m not gonna make a lot of sense. I won’t get to any points; like I said, I’m gonna get to a point about nubs in a bit, and nibs. I don’t know if I’ll talk about nibs, but nibs are a thing. Also, the great Kate Knibbs wrote an article about the podcast once. She’s a great writer and podcast person. But so, where was I? I got off-track there. I was pandering. But so, oh yeah, I’m gonna go off-topic, I’m gonna get off-track. Oh, I just demonstrated that by accident. If you’re new, I want you to know a few things, especially if you found your way here through some other means and you’re brand-new. This podcast, one; it is more than a bit different. It’s very different, a bit strange. That’s one thing to know.
So, if you’re skeptical or doubtful or you’re feeling…I don’t know exactly know what ambivalent means or meant, but I can say well, I’m not so sure about what it’s gonna…you know. That’s a perfectly normal reaction for this show so I want to acknowledge that that’s totally normal. You’ll probably sit with those feelings ‘cause you’ll probably be feeling those for a while, but I want to give you some basic info. Like, one thing is, this podcast does not work for everybody. Give it a few tries and kind of see how it goes. I’d like you to give it a try but you don’t have to. But if you do give it one try, give it a couple because there’s a lot of people that listen and most of them said it took two or three tries before I realized this podcast will never make any sense. The most sensible thing about it is it never makes any sense.
Give it a few tries; that leads into the next point which is this is kind of a podcast you don’t really listen to, or if you’re listening to it expectantly, you’re probably gonna be…if you’re expecting me to get to a point or start a story or start making sense, or you say oh boy, I can’t wait for Scoots to talk about the next Welcome to Night Vale novel or The Princess Bride and cover those in detail. You might be waiting a while because I don’t really…I’m not good at getting to the point. This podcast is best consumed loosely or out-of-focus where you’re like huh, not sure…not quite sure I understand what he’s talking about. Don’t need to know…it’s like somebody falling asleep; don’t necessarily need to know if he does or he will. Try to approach it with a loose grip, and you don’t need to listen. This is one podcast you can only kind of barely listen to if you want. You could actively non-listen. That’s one of the lessons I get; uh-huh, uh-huh. Like, you could pretend you’re listening.
That works a lot better than actually listening to this show. You just lie there in bed; uh-huh, Scoots, oh boy, you said oshkosh b’gosh again and then did your um, ah, er thing. Wow, really, so you were gonna talk about nibs and nubs eventually but you’re in the middle of talking about…uh-huh, uh-huh. This is a podcast you don’t need to listen to. Strangely enough, while this is Sleep With Me and it’s one of the main bedtime story podcasts for grownups and a lot of kids listen now, too; what up, kids? It’s also a podcast that doesn’t necessarily put you to sleep. It’s here while you fall asleep. It’s a little bit different. I don’t know any actual sleep podcasts that put me…like, I guess when I think about a sleep podcast, I think about someone doing something that makes you fall asleep, right? I’m more just…take your mind off of stuff and keep you company while you drift off ‘cause you don’t really have to pay attention to me. It’s a little bit different.
I’m here to be your bore-friend, your bore-bae, your bore-sib, your bore-cuz, your bore-bestie, your bore-bruh, maybe your bore-bot; I don’t know. Does not compute. But I’m here to be at your bedside and take your mind off of stuff. Then if you can’t listen, if you can’t sleep…you don’t need to listen. I think that was the other thing. But if you can’t sleep, I’m gonna be here ‘til the end so I’ll be here for about an hour whether you’re awake or asleep to take your mind off of stuff and keep you company. That’s it. Then, the structure of the show…now, the show’s structure is also very different and it can throw people off, especially if you come in expecting one thing. Like, if you expected…they said well, what are those goddesses from that movie, the Bippity Boppity Boo goddesses? I’d say yeah, actually, I do remember them. Right, I mean, they never got their own movie, huh? No, they didn’t. They didn’t get their own movie. Well, they got a podcast now. Really?
Are they goddesses or are they just magic-users? That’s a good question. I don’t know; I’m pretty sure they could fly. They may have wings, so I think that makes them goddesses and not magic-users ‘cause otherwise that spell would eventually wear off. Okay, but they could be a magic-based being, a magical being. Okay, well, could we just say they’re goddesses but that would also generally mean demi-goddesses and those kind of magical beings? Sure, we could agree on that. You’re very agreeable. Well, thanks. So, they started a podcast. Really? They started a podcast, those goddesses from…the Bippity Boppity goddesses. Yeah, it’s called Bippity Boppity Poof. Oh, wow. How does it work? Well, they have different ones for different things that people have going on with them. Wow, that’s interesting. Well, it’s not…yeah, it’s actually not interesting because they use…it doesn’t need to be interesting ‘cause it’s magical. Okay, so why are you telling me this?
Well, they have one to put people to sleep. It’s like, three-to-eight seconds long. Okay, tell me more. Yeah, it’s called the Bippity Boppity Poof sleep show; their work-title pending, they said, though. Okay, that’s good news for me. That title’s strange. Well no, because they were the Bippity Boppity…okay, no…okay, it just doesn’t have the best SEO. Here’s the thing; if you’re magical, you don’t need S…oh yeah, you’re right about that. So, anyway, so it’s a sleep podcast. It’s like, eight seconds long. I don’t know, I think it’s eight seconds long. They just say…you just start it and then they say Bippity Boppity Poof and while they’re doing that, our human ears can’t hear the magic but we experience the magic. It puts you to sleep and that’s the whole podcast. Yep, it’s the whole podcast. Does it have one episode or multiple episodes? Well, right now it’s just a trailer. They haven’t put out the show yet. Huh, okay. Is it…wow, that sounds like it’s not gonna be good for my show. Well, why do you say that?
Well, if it instantly puts you to sleep, why would people need Sleep With Me? Well Scoots, I don’t need to tell you this ‘cause you just explained it for ten minutes; your show’s here to keep people company while they drift off. Their show is there for people to be magically sent off into dreamland. Totally different show. That’s why it’s only eight seconds long. Okay, okay, I guess I’m with you. So, oh, but I was trying to explain to you the structure of the show. So, a show like that doesn’t need a lot of structure. Our show’s structure is different. If you came in expecting the Bippity Boppity Poof show, I guess I could record that and put it out as a separate podcast, but that’s a totally different thing. This show, structurally, it starts off with business. The show starts off with a greeting, then business, and then the intro. The business at the beginning is how we’re able to keep this show free. Then there’s an intro.
Now, so the business throws some people off but what really throws new people off is the intro ‘cause it’s around twelve-to-twenty minutes long of just me rambling about stuff like Bippity Boppity Poof. At first, some people think it’s an advertisement, I think, and then some people, they say well, this isn’t a bedtime story, or I’m not so sure I enjoy listening to you which are all legitimate things. Let me tell you why the intro is so long; the intro is so long because unlike the Bippity Boppity Poof show, this podcast is here to keep you company as you drift off and for regular listeners, the intro’s like, part of their wind-down routine. There’s 2% of listeners that start the show at about twenty minutes and they just listen to the…whatever starts at twenty minutes and then the story. Tonight, it’ll be me trying to remember the plot of The Princess Bride and remember if I already did a podcast episode about it or not. They start it there but 98% of listeners…well, then there’s listeners that support the show on Patreon but that’s a little different.
Most listeners, the intro is part of their wind-down, or their unwinding. They’ll start listening at bedtime either before they get in bed or while they’re in bed. ‘Cause I just don’t know anything that works as well as that Bippity Boppity Poof show. I wish I had hair that would go along with that. Like, I wish I had big hair that had a poof on it, a bouffant. Is that a kind of haircut? I guess you’d say what kind of haircut does your poodle have? A poufont. It’s like a bouffant for poodles. But I could see myself, if I had hair that was poofable, I would do that Bippity Boppity Poof. Or if I had a salon…I guess if I had a poodle salon, I would say that while I was working. Of course, until the big company that has all the money, they said well actually, you can’t say Bippity or Boppity with any other words without a license. Then actually, their competitor would say well, in the name of Harry Potter, you can’t say poof, either. They’d say, never heard Harry Potter say poof in my… maybe in my imagination.
I mean, yeah. I guess I’ll wait ‘til I get those letters in the mail. They always knock first and they say can you sign here? I say you know I’m just gonna crumble this up and put it somewhere for two or three months and then wonder what was in that envelope. Is this about my magical express reservation? No. Okay, so anyway, enough humor. The intros are really long to give you a chance to get into bed, get comfortable, or get ready for bed and get comfortable, to ease you into bedtime. That’s the intro, then there’s some business. That’s just kind of the structure of how podcasting works. They have some business that helps keep the show free and then we’ll have the story part of the show where I’ll talk briefly about the new Night Vale Presents novel and try to think up a friendly name for that; The Friendly Faced Woman Who Plays Hide-and-Seek in Your Home. That’s what the novel’s not named, but the name is similar. Then I’ll talk about the Princess Bride.
That’s the structure of the show. I guess I kind of covered the rules. The reason I make this show; I’ve been there. Tossing and turning? Yes. Mind racing? Oh boy, that’s my middle…that’s one of my hobbies. ‘Cause there was that movie about car racing that came out recently. They didn’t call me to have me be an advisor on that but I said if there was ever a movie about mind racing, if that was actually a thing…like, you say what about…you know all those movies about kids in video games saving the world, or car racing? Showing how great our belief system is? How come no one glorifies mind racing? They say this kid was the greatest mind…his mind was racing like Ricky Bobby. My mind was racing before I said I want to overthink. I want to overthink in a quick way that’s both quick and feels painfully slow. I’ve been there, and waking up early, waking up not being…you know, I’ve been there. I want to help. I also want to help because I believe you truly deserve a good night’s sleep or a place of respite right now where you could get away, where you could drift off.
Your world and our world is gonna be a better place if you’re well-rested, or at least you have a little relaxation and distraction. I guess that’s kind of everything. I thought I was going to talk about…let’s talk about nubs and nibs a different time and maybe one day I’ll put out that Bippity Boppity Poof podcast just to see what those companies do. I think I might do that. They would all…here’s the spoiler; they would all be the same. I’d say well, this is the one about exercise. That would be the title. Then it would be Bippity Boppity Poof. I don’t think the ‘uh’ is in there. That’s just one of my verbal thingamajigs. I just did it naturally when I’m in a state of podcasting. That’s it. I’m glad you’re here. I really hope the show can help you. Like I said, give it a few tries and see, ‘cause that’s how most listeners found the show was helpful. But I really appreciate you coming by. I work very hard; I yearn and I strive to help you fall asleep. Here’s a couple ways we’re able to keep this podcast free for everybody.
Alright, hey everybody, so it’s Scoots here and I’ve been reading the new Night Vale Presents novel, The Friendly Faced Woman Who Plays Hide and Seek in Your Home by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor. It comes out under a different title that you’ll see. I’ll link to it in the show notes and oh boy, have I been enjoying this novel. It’s just taken me in so many unexpected directions ‘cause you say well, this is what I expect a Welcome to Night Vale novel to be. This delivers on your expectations but takes them in a totally different direction at the same time. It is really, really, really fun. I just want to…I’m gonna read you a little bit about it, but I’m about 215 pages into the novel. I cannot wait to finish it, probably so I can read it again. It came out March 24 and it’s written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor, authors of the New York Times Bestselling Welcome to Night Vale novels, Welcome to Night Vale that came out in 2015, and It Devours came out in 2017.
They’re also creators of the hit podcast Welcome to Night Vale. This new novel is The Friendly Faced Woman Who Plays Hide and Seek in Your Home. It’s a Harper Perennial hardcover, it’s $21.99 and it takes readers deeper into the lore of Night Vale, talks about one of the most interesting residents of the town. You get to live her whole backstory. Holy moly, that’s not in the writing, but wow. This original adventure tale follows a compelling and slightly unexpected story of the friendly faced woman who plays hide and seek in every home in Night Vale and all the possible adventures she could take you on and the motivations behind adventures, not all of which are always pure at heart. It’s got a little bit of Count of Monty Cristo, it’s got novels that I cannot mention here, and it has for me, a little taste of the Princess Bride. It’s told in flashbacks throughout her life, through 18th century Europe already conquered by Napoleon. Goes to Mediterranean state, nautical adventure, and I’m not even sure…I’m like, only halfway through this book, so I cannot wait to see what happens next.
I feel like a kid on…I feel like I should be saying this like, ba-dum-bum, like I’m on Reading Rainbow. The Friendly Faced Woman Who Lives…do you like adventure stories? Do you like nautical tales? Do you like heroines leading a crew of misfits? Then you’re gonna love The Friendly Faced Woman Who Lives in Your Home and Plays Hide and Seek With You. This is Little Andy telling you to check it out, ba-dum-bum. So, that’s The Friendly Faced Woman. It also goes back to present-day Night Vale and her playing hide and seek in someone’s home. There’s so much humor with that and her buddy Craig. We love Craig on this podcast. We love that name. Check it out; by the time you’re hearing this, it should already be available. I will put a link into the show notes. There’s also the audiobook which is narrated by actress and author Mara Wilson who plays a character on Welcome to Night Vale. Yeah, use the link because the title is actually a little bit different than that. But you’ll be able to figure it out. Reading this book made me think have I ever talked about…what’s that name of that movie that I was gonna talk about tonight? What’s it called? The Princess Bride, before…then I said have I done an episode about it or have I just talked about it? I said I don’t know, so I said let’s do it. Here you go, Scoots is gonna talk here, Tale of the Tape about the Princess Bride.
Alright, so the movie The Princess Bride. I still am trying to think have I done an episode about this and if you’re new, and this might be my second time explaining it, but this is a Tale of the Tape episode so it’s where I take a Tale of the Tape…well, a Tale of Tape is like, I try to remember…I run the tape of the movie in my mind and see what…’cause I say, I’ve seen this movie probably thirty times. How much of it…how much of the plot do I even remember? Then on top of it is the fact that part of me is like Scoots, I think you did this as an episode but I don’t think I did. Then a part of me is like, I don’t think we did. I don’t remember ever releasing it. This could be a moment where we kiss the old…when did Scoots…when did Sleep With Me kiss the dolphin, as they say? When they talk about TV shows and Fonzie, after that famous Perfect Strangers episode where Fonzie came on and kissed a dolphin? You say oh, that’s when Sleep With Me kissed the dolphin, when Scoots did a second…and actually, but the funniest thing was, only six people noticed.
Scoots was not one of them ‘cause he’s still like, I don’t think I did do an episode about it. The Princess Bride. Here’s the thing; I’ve read the book. I probably read the book somewhere between 2020 and…2010 and 2015 but I don’t know when I read it. I was reading it bit by bit to my daughter as a bedtime story. As I said, I got inspired to do this episode by the new Night Vale book. So, let’s see; okay, so I was gonna set up ‘cause not everybody’s familiar with this, right? I’m pretty sure the book was written by William Goldman but I’m not sure if the book was written…I’m not sure, I was like, was it a screenplay and then a novelization of the screenplay? Or was it a William Goldman novel that was made into a screenplay that was made into a movie? I don’t know the answer to that question. I do know that I think that Rob Reiner made the movie but I’m not 100% sure on that, but I would be willing to wager…well, I would be able to wager that I could be wrong because…70% wrong, but I want to say it was a Rob Reiner movie but I’m not sure.
Okay, so The Princess Bride is the name of the movie. It came out in the 1980s, or maybe the 90s. Again, if you said Scoots, you gotta give me a number, I’d say okay, somewhere between 1989 and 1992. Then you would say okay Scoots, now set the mood; when did you first see it? Did you see it in the theatre? I say I did not see it in the theatre. As a matter of fact, I honestly don’t even remember it being in the movie theatre. Oh boy, did I miss out on an opportunity. I’ll be perfectly frank with you; I’m very disappointed in my past self. One, for not seeing it in the movie theatre and two, not being aware of it. I wasn’t even aware of it where I said well, I don’t think I’m gonna see that. There’s a couple of things that brings up…that are interesting to me and good for a sleep podcast. Why wasn’t I aware of it? Was it the marketing budget for the movie or was it the actual marketing? If it was the marketing budget, was it just not marketed enough? ‘Cause well, we’ll go into when I first saw it.
That’s one question. I say wow, huh, that’s weird that I’m not aware of seeing any marketing for it. Was the marketing more focused on all the characters whose names I’m never gonna remem…Buttercup and Wesley and more of a romance, or did it seem like it was being more marketed as a children’s movie? Or like a all-star…like a vehicle…what do they call those when there’s a bunch of…like a cameo movie. I mean, I was in full angst. Those were my most angsty years. But I can’t even…I can’t remember…usually I remember myself being disdainful of things and being like oh boy, no, no, I have teen angst. I can’t see a movie called The Princess Bride. I don’t even know what that means; the Princess Bride. It’s a movie…I would say it’s an action/adventure/romance. If you had to say Scoots, give me one genre, I’d say action/adventure/romance but you say well, like as one word, would be the genre of the film. I was telling when did I first see it so I first saw it around…not that long after it came out but I guess they used to delay stuff a long time.
It used to be a movie would come out, then it would go into the second run theatres, which we had a good one by us that we used to go to a lot, so again, I would assume…and that could be interesting, is me…hold on, I gotta pause the recorder here. Okay, sorry, I just wrote down to look up the second run movie theatre by my…that was by my house. Too far to walk. Well, now as an adult I probably would walk there. I mean, I probably wouldn’t, but no, I guess it was too far to walk. It was near one of my friend Charlie’s houses, walking distance from his house. Oh, it was called the Genesee Theatre, I’m pretty sure. It was in West Vale but it was called the Genesee Theatre. I think it was on West Genesee Street, too. It was, oh, also by…wow, that’s a…well, we’ll have to get back to West Vale Plaza in another point ‘cause a lot of…huh, that’s weird. It was a plaza, so like a shopping center plaza that you drive in. It had not just one but four important touchstones in my youth.
That’s interesting too, so I guess we’ll have to get back to that, too. But so, back to The Princess Bride. I didn’t see it in the second run theatre and then…so, I saw it at someone’s house and I think it was during the day. I’m pretty sure…I don’t think we were not at school when we were supposed to be but maybe it was a half…I’m pretty sure it was a half-day of school. It could have been when you’re younger and you just go to somebody’s house and you watch…you have a movie night before you’re…I don’t know, when you’re a teenager but you’re not like…you’re an angsty teenager but you haven’t moved onto angsty teenager activities which for me is scoffing and being disdainful and having a bad attitude. Those were my…but we watched it at someone’s house. Back then, a movie would come out in the theatre. It would go to a second run theatre. Then it wouldn’t come out for public video…they called it…what did they call it? Home video, back then. This was the days of Blockbuster.
You know, when people say things don’t change, just say okay, well, they do because I remember when you had to go to Blockbuster to get a movie a year after it came out. Maybe it would be six months but it would be so long between when the movie was in the theatre and it came out on video that you kind of forgot about it. I remember being at somebody’s house. This was a good move, whoever did it, probably one of my friends. It was either Debbie, Elisha, or Megan. I’m guessing one of the three of them and they had already picked the movie out. It wasn’t…not a…it wasn’t like all of us had to agree on a movie. They said let’s watch The Princess Bride. At this point I do remember scoffing or kind of being like what? The Princess Bride? Then I think I had been more aware of it, but this was one of those movies where once it started, my mouth…I got really quiet and I was into this film 100…maybe the first few minutes it took me a little while but after that, I was totally into it.
We started watching the movie, so now I guess I’ll move into the movie ‘cause this is my archetypal memory of the film anyway. Speaking of scoffing, holy cow, am I gonna remember any of these…okay, Fred Savage and Columbo whose name…Peter something. It’ll come to me. Oh, Peter Falk. So, the movie starts out with Fred Savage. Fred Savage’s mother may be in it, or a character playing Fred Savage’s mother, or her voice may be in it. But Fred Savage is home from school on a snow day or something and he’s bored. Peter Falk is playing his grandfather; his loving grandfather and he uses a little subtle psychology on Fred Savage ‘cause I think Fred Savage might have been playing video games or whatever. They said listen, kid, you gotta do something more productive for your brain. Peter Falk says what about a little theatre of the mind? Fred Savage says theatre of the lame, man. I think this is pre-Wonder Years but maybe not; the TV show. I don’t know if he was already on that TV show. I have no idea.
I shouldn’t have said that ‘cause I don’t have any clue. But I think so, ‘cause he was just a boy in this movie. Maybe this movie came out in the 80s and not the 90s. I think Wonder Years was in the 90s and Fred Savage was in high school in the 80s, but in the 1950s…I know it’s confusing. It was a confusing time for all of us, believe me. So, Fred Savage was a kid. I don’t know his…kid; he was just the kid, maybe. The kid in the bed on a snow day. Peter Falk was the grandfatherly figure, also narrator. So, Fred Savage says man, that’s lame; theatre of the mind. That’ll never be a thing. Peter Falk said well, once upon a time, it was radio and storytelling. He said well, I just got this awesome book here. Fred Savage says does anyone kiss one another in the book? He says possibly. Then he says not for me. I’m not a believer in romance either, grandpa. Then the grandfather laughs and says okay, well, I guess I’ll go on my way. It’s just a book about adventure and swashbuckling, buckling of swashes, cool stuff.
Unforgettable characters, also a lot of actors you wouldn’t believe it, like Christopher Guest, Mandy Patinkin, just to name two that blow your mind. Fred Savage says wait a second, did you say Christopher Guest? He says that’s just for starters. He said so you’re planting those seeds in my mind who I’ll picture. The grandfather says not yet, my young lad. But he said anyway, you’re not interested in kissing and romance, so I’ll just be on my way. Then Fred Savage says oh no, grandpa, give me a second. We all know…I guess maybe you could tell…I don’t know if you could read a book to a kid in two hours. I don’t know if that’s possible but I have a feeling, especially if I was reading it, you’d only get through one chapter. Normally two chapters in two hours, that’s why I can’t do audiobooks ‘cause I say but that book’s like, 8,000 hours long. That’s appeal for a lot of people but I say I can barely pay attention…the longest I can pay attention is when I’m making a sleep podcast and trying to remember something I can’t even remember.
Peter Falk, the grandfather, said okay, settle down. Get in bed, I’ll read you the story. Then we go, we transfer, and we will take interludes with the two of them. I think probably only at the act breaks, or I don’t know if it was the exact act breaks. I have no idea; I was just guessing there. Probably trying to impress you with using act break, but in between parts of the story and also, you know Fred Savage is representing some portion in the audience in saying well, this is my concern with this part of the story. Okay, so all of those things. The movie starts with Buttercup. Buttercup is…this is a little bit of a movie about the class system and the roles we play as human beings, I think. But so, Buttercup is a…I guess in the movie she’s some sort of upper-middle class but not…she’s probably…I don’t even know what landed gentry means but I think it means you own…a homeowner with land. I don’t know if she’s necessarily royal but she has some attitude. I think well-earned attitude. She’s headstrong.
I don’t know, some people say that in a bad way but I would say Buttercup is headstrong in a good way. Hopefully that’s the character’s name. She’s played by Robin Wright and so she lives on a farm with her…I presume her family. I don’t think we ever see her family. There’s a farm worker named Wesley. Farm Boy, she calls him. This next part of the movie has been the jumping-off point for multiple films and blaze novels and stuff, so the next few minutes you get into possible territory because she always says…she likes to boss him around. She says Farm Boy, fetch me that water. He always says as you wish. I think this is still…I can hear Peter Falk’s…grandfather’s voice setting this up. Eventually he’s in love with her, she’s in love with him. Now, I don’t know when we learn his name; maybe Peter Falk tells us his name’s Wesley but she calls him Farm Boy. They slowly fall in love. At some point he says as you wish, their hands touch, they’re by a wishing well, they kiss.
Or maybe they almost kiss. I think probably they almost kiss ‘cause Fred Savage doesn’t like kissing. But they’re doing great; their romance is just blossoming. Meanwhile, I don’t know if they go through…they’re going through town, but the prince…there’s a prince going through town. The prince is not…I always get mixed up who Christopher Guest plays, whether it’s the prince or the prince’s…he plays the prince’s lackey, I believe, yes. Oh yeah, the prince is played by…I’m pretty sure the prince is played by this actor with great gravitas…great gravitas, I can’t think of who it is but maybe it’ll come to me. But so, Prince Humperdink is like…he’s handsome, he’s actual royalty, and he has a sidekick whose name I can’t…who’s played by Christopher Guest. I don’t know, he decides…I don’t know if they drive him through and he sees Buttercup or he meets her at a festival or there’s some sort of whatever. I don’t know how he meets Buttercup but he decides oh boy, am I gonna marry Buttercup.
She’s gonna be the queen. He’s gonna be king at some point. At this point, his father is still king and I’m pretty sure the queen’s still around too. Or maybe only the queen’s around. I don’t know, but no, I think the king and the queen…I don’t really remember. I guess I’m just trying to see if I could remember. They say okay, you’re marrying Buttercup. You’re gonna marry Prince Humperdink. I don’t know if this is before this or after it but I think it was before it; while Wesley and Buttercup are flirting she says well, you gotta…she goes, we live in this, whatever, patriarchal society and it’s not fair to anybody…it’s also a class system and you gotta have a dowry or something or some sort of status in order for me to be released from one patriarch to another. He’s played by Cary Elwes. I think that’s how you say it, who I’ve talked about before because…where was he? He was recently on a show but okay, but so Wesley says okay, well I’m gonna go out and search for adventure and treasure or whatever and I’ll be back to…I think that’s what happens.
He goes away first, so then Prince Humperdink meets Buttercup. This is the least important part of the movie, but…well, I guess not really. Prince Humperdink meets Buttercup and says by the way, I really like you. I think we’d make a good couple. I’m a high status, looking for a queen. You’re very regal, very headstrong in a good way. What do you think? She says well, I’m sworn to another. I’m in love with Wesley. You seem like a decent enough chap but sorry, I’m not into it, really. To be honest, I’m always going to love him. Just waiting for him to return from adventure to deal with this system we have. Eventually him and his…Christopher Guest, they come up with an idea of…they say…the Count, I think his name is; I can’t remember. Not Count Chocula and not Count with the numbers, though there is an important number with him. They say well actually, by the way, Wesley, he went away on adventure and while he was adventuring, we heard that his ship…I guess this was factual.
Huh. I always thought it was made up but actually, I think it was factual. Maybe she had already found out about this but they said by the way, his ship was captured by this guy the Dread Pirate Roberts, a little bit like Lady Witchbeard but a little bit different. The Dread Pirate Roberts…Wesley’s not gonna come back. He has his own system and it wouldn’t have worked out well for Wesley. She’s kind of heartbroken, I guess, and says eventually I’ll get married to you, I guess, Humperdink, but give me some time. Let’s just have a long…I don’t know if they get married. I don’t think they do. She says when you’re gonna be king, I guess I’ll marry you, maybe. I’ll think about it. Something like that. He says okay, fair enough. Then the king and the queen are older, it becomes time…I think it becomes time for her to get married. I don’t know…but she was like, I think she goes out for…she’s out riding her horse to clear her mind. That’s what it is. Whatever; she goes, she says I gotta go on a…what do they call those?
Solomoon, just to…I don’t know, she goes out, takes her horse out, they go out on the town. While they’re out there she meets up with friggin’ Wallace Shawn, Mandy Patinkin, and Andre the Giant. I don’t know what their character’s names are. Oh, Indigo Montoya. But I don’t think there’s a ‘d’ in there. Inigo Montoya. Then…oh, Fezzik and…oh, I thought he had a nickname. But think about those three together; holy moly. They say hey, you’re gonna come with us. We’re gonna take you on a fun trip. Eventually the king will give us gold. They say we got this idea; it’s called a double dowry. She says what do you mean, a double dowry? They say well, with this system…they say well, we’re not in the class system either. We’re outside of the class system. We’re on the margins of it so we figured out a way…the king and the queen are already getting in the…Humperdink are gonna pay your family, I assume, a dowry. Or your status will be elevated and if we just hang with you for a while then your…we’ll get a dowry from Humperdink, too.
She says well, I’d prefer not because I don’t really know any of you that well. But she finds out that Wallace Shawn’s character’s not exactly the best, but the other two are very…Andre…Fezzik and Inigo Montoya are great, so she says okay. Now meanwhile they hop in a boat to hit the road, right? This is really set up because these are kind of…first, they kind of seem a little bit antagonistic, these characters, but they’re very likable I think just because of the performances and the writing and the directing, and everything else. But they’re in a boat, right? What is his name? Wallace Shawn’s character’s name? I thought he was called The Something ‘cause he goes you don’t get in a land war…maybe he’s called The Sicilian? I don’t know. But they’re in a boat and they’re sneaking off ‘til they get their double dowry because they say well, the prince…they got a bunch of horses and lances and stuff like that. Then they notice a boat’s following them and they say okay, let’s go faster. This is the fastest boat around. They say well, that boat’s still keeping up with us.
They say okay, well, that’s not…Wallace Shawn says okay, well, we’re gonna go to these cliffs that are unscalable except for Andre the Giant. Then they have Andre the Giant climb this cliff with all three of them ‘cause he’s so strong. Now, Andre the Giant was a beloved wrestler and actor in the 80s. Even though he also played antagonistic characters, he was always beloved. He was beloved and beloved. He climbs the cliff, then they look down and they see this mysterious character all in black, very pirate-esque, following him. Inconceivable, that’s what Wallace Shawn’s character says all the time; inconceivable, over and over again. There’s a lot of humor. They get up the top of the cliff and they say it’s impossible or inconceivable for anyone to be able to scale it. They say well, this guy, this pirate dude is still coming. Then he says okay, Inigo, deal with it. We’re outta here. He says okay. Then we get…I don’t know, this performance in this scene is just so…every scene is just so good, but these are some of the highlights of the movie.
He’s up there, Inigo Montoya, man of honor, Spanish swordsman, I believe, greatest swordsperson in the world. He says hey, I’m waiting up here for you, by the way. First, I think they try to trip him up. There’s a lot of rapport and humor. Then this character gets up there and they greet each other. He says don’t worry, have a break; I’m the best swordsman in the world. I don’t know if at this point, we realize that it’s Wesley, but I’ll just tell you it is. But he’s dressed all like, in black silk like a sexy pirate ninja. I don’t know how else to put it but the truth and he says…they say okay, and then he says we’ll swordfight after you have some water and stuff. That’s what Inigo Montoya says. Then he says why don’t I tell you…why don’t we start sword fighting; I’ll tell you my whole backstory. Then he reveals his backstory, how he became the greatest swordsman and he’s only working this job not because he’s interested in a double dowry but because he’s in a quest to find this six-fingered man who…very similar to characters in my story, out to get Besos, he says I’d like to teach…he owes me five dollars.
I’ll never rest; he actually owed my father five dollars. I have a speech and everything. He goes, my name is Inigo Montoya; you owe my father five dollars. Prepare to pay up because…with interest, by the way, which is a lot because it’s been like, thirty years. Then they say…then there’s a bunch of fun stuff where we realize that actually Wesley’s also an unbelievable swordsman. They have this grand sword fight straight out of a movie from any era. Very fun, but Wesley does end up getting the upper hand, but he still shows…he still wants Inigo to have success so then Wesley takes off. Then he runs across Andre the Giant who actually is a giant. He says okay, well, we have to do some WWF. Then Wesley says I don’t know what that is. He says World Wrestling Federation. He goes, it’s like…you never heard of Summer Slam or Sweaty Nights or Hot Summer Evenings? Wesley goes, no. He goes, Wrestle Mania? No. He goes well, I’ll show you.
Then he goes you’re really outmatched ‘cause I’m a giant. Also, I had a career in this before this. But Wesley’s just too smart; he outsmarts Andre the Giant. Again, you see that he has a great, kind heart. He didn’t really want to do it. They were both kind of in the grip of Wallace Shawn. I mean, who wouldn’t blame them? But then he tricks him. Next thing you know, he goes around the corner and Wallace Shawn’s sitting there with a picnic set up and Buttercup, I think. But Buttercup’s sleeping or something. She can’t see that it’s Wesley, or maybe she can. Then there’s also a jump-back because we see that Prince Humperdink and Christopher Guest have caught up, the Count, and they’re tracking them. They say you realize that either Prince Humperdink or Christopher Guest is an expert tracker ‘cause they say oh, look at this swordfight that was here. Look at this, there was a giant and he was outsmarted. But then we get to Wallace Shawn. He says okay, well, you out-gianted my giant, you out-fenced my fencer.
I’m an intellectual, so I’m gonna out-intellectual you. This one has probably been used before but I had never seen it used before, so the payoff is just so good where Wallace Shawn says I propose this game of intellect. It’s called the Water Sippy Game or something. They say well jeez, we’ve never played that game before. But meanwhile, Wesley has played it, so Wesley’s still one step ahead of him; Iocane powder. He ends up besting Wallace Shawn in a battle of wits. That’s what they actually have. I think that’s what Wallace Shawn…even says it, or the Count. Then…I’m trying to think of what happens next. I think what happens next, at some point they get teamed back up but I don’t think it’s yet. I think what happens is Wesley tries to say hey Buttercup, let’s go, but he’s still dressed as the Dread Pirate Roberts. She runs off; they roll down this hill together. As they’re rolling down the hill separately, he says as you wish. Then they get down into the smelly swamp and they’re together.
They say thank goodness we’re together here in the smelly swamp. That’s great. Then they have to wander their way through the smelly swamp. They do that eventually but then, on the other side of the smelly swamp, is Prince Humperdink and his crew. Yeah, okay, so I think I’m trying to remember, ‘cause I remember…when does he team back up with the rest of his people? I’m not sure about that but Prince…Buttercup says oh jeez, I love Wesley. Don’t worry, I’ll totally marry you because I love Wesley. Just leave him alone and then I’ll go marry you, Humperdink. That kind of thing. I’m not sure how they leave it, but then we get Carol Kane…no, no, not yet. No, no, no, not yet. You’re right, you’re right. At some point, Humperdink and the Count have…the Count has another sidekick. Maybe what happened was that the…also, the Prince captured Inigo and what’s his name? Andre the Giant’s character. It was kind of like a Dickensian name. Oh, Fezzik.
But so, they drain out all of Wesley’s energy I think just ‘cause Christopher Guest’s character has kind of an attitude. Then Wesley’s exhausted, super exhausted, and…I’m trying to think. At some point he says we gotta stop the wedding. Inigo and Andre the Giant are like, we love you, man. You spared us, you freed us from working for Wallace Shawn even though we love Wallace Shawn. His character we didn’t like so much. We really appreciate all that. Wesley says I’m exhausted; what are we gonna do? Or maybe Wesley’s even sleeping. Somehow, they come across Wesley or they get re-teamed up. I don’t really remember that part. But they go to see Miracle Max who dislikes the king greatly. Miracle Max is played by Billy Crystal and Milly Max is played by Carol Kane, so you can’t really go wrong with that. Miracle Max gives him a magical chocolate. I’m pretty sure that’s what happens. He says you also need true love’s kiss to get back to 100%.
This is one of the points where they go back to Fred Savage and grandpa. He says ugh, true love’s kiss is gross. He says is this story over? Then it’s like, the ticking clock is the wedding day and then Wesley’s not 100%. Then Wesley’s like, we still gotta stop the wedding. Do you two want to help? They say for sure man, we love you. Then they go to the castle and they gotta figure out a way to get in ‘cause there’s tons of stuff. Oh, and they got magic stuff. I don’t know if Miracle Max gave it to them but they get a cloak and a few other things and they use those. Then they do this cool thing with Andre the Giant and sound effects. They get into the castle. Not sure what happens after that other than that they split up. They split up…I’m not sure where Andre the Giant goes. Eventually he has to help everybody but then we get a couple climaxes, so Inigo Montoya has to go…finds out that the six-fingered man is Christopher Guest, the Count.
They have a showdown and it’s pretty…a long action scene and a lot of double-crosses, a couple of counter-whatever, moves. There’s that. Then I think it ends up that Prince Humperdink’s a coward so Wesley goes against him but he’s a coward, or maybe it’s…I don’t remember. Eventually, Wesley gets back to Buttercup. They break up the wedding, there’s multiple dance-offs, I think. The king and queen, they never liked their kid anyway, I don’t think, or the queen…one of them was like oh, we wanted Buttercup to be happy anyway. I'm probably missing something in there. They get there, then they get caught, then they have to deal with the Count, then they go to Miracle Max’s, then they go to the…have fun storming the castle. Yeah, that’s what Max says to them. I’m just not sure, between the stinky swamp and Miracle Max’s, how they end up with…maybe they just found Wesley. That seems pretty synchronous, but it is a magical story. But then…let’s see what else happens.
Then, I don’t know, I think everything worked out. Inigo gets the six-fingered guy and his money in the end, with interest, total interest. Andre the Giant meets Buttercup and says hello, you’re pretty cool. We heard about you. We’re sorry about the other stuff with Wallace Shawn. She says Wallace and Gromit? He goes no, but I can see why you’d say that. Oh, she’d already realized it was Wesley. Then they get to go into a courtyard and kiss. That’s the last thing, and then Fred Savage learns to love when people kiss, because grandpa says well, I can stop it here. He says why? He says well, true love’s kiss is the only thing left to go. He says it’s okay, I’d love to hear about true love’s kiss. I think that’s what re-energizes Wesley. Maybe he still had no energy until true love’s kiss. There’s some magical power…and then Fred Savage and his grandpa, they basically are peeking in on them making out, story-wise. The story comes to a conclusion. All-in-all, pretty great story.
Again, if you really enjoyed that movie, or the idea of that style of movie, this book is a bit different but the link will be in my show notes. For the latest Welcome to Night Vale novel, The Friendly Older Woman Who Plays Hide and Seek in Your House, and I really, really think that if you enjoyed this movie or this book, you’re really going to enjoy this book, this novel. It’s a totally different take on it but it’s definitely…it has the action, it has the adventure, and it has a lot more than that. I’m only on page…almost to Page 200 and I’m really, really enjoying it and I think you will, too. So, I strongly suggest it. Check it out. Goodnight.
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