856 – Frog Pad Polish with Bernie

EPISODE 856 – Frog Pad Polish with Bernie

[START OF RECORDING]

SCOOTER: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and friends beyond the binary, press your space face close to mine so I can give you some lulls in your ears ‘cause it’s time for those lulling, soothing tones.  I’m not a moon-age daydream but if there was a tangentally…I circled the moon in a tangential way; didn’t even make it around the whole circumference ‘cause it kinda went…can you measure circumference by zig-zagging around the moon while you’re daydreaming?  I’m not sure but you know why I don’t know what I’m talking about? ‘Cause I know it’s time for Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. If you’re a regular listener, or all night-listener, or you fall asleep really fast, I just need you to hear the beginning of the show ‘cause that’s how we keep it free for everybody.  Alright, everybody, it’s time for the Sleepy Supporter Zone, the part of the podcast I need you to hear so I can keep it free and where I can thank the listeners who supported the sponsors. That’s how we all work in conjunction here and I wanted to thank Dawn and Carrie. Oh boy, both of them shared on Instagram; Carrie supported Grove…got a Grove order in, shared with Grove and me some hand sanitizer that looked great.  I was like oh boy, put that on my next shopping list. Then Dawn shared her HelloFresh meals in her Instagram stories which was really cool. It helped me kinda see oh boy, those quesadillas look pretty good. I want to thank Dawn and Carrie for supporting the sponsors. If you want to know who sponsors the show, you can look in the show notes or go to sleepwithmepodcast.com/sponsors and if you support one of our sponsors, let the sponsor know about it.  Tag them on social media, tag me so I can try to thank you in the Sleepy Supporter Zone which is now over thanks to Dawn and Carrie and we can start slowing things down. But first, Mystery Bard, let us know who helps out on this podcast. [MUSIC, SINGING] Thanks, Mystery Bard. Now we can slow it down. I’m @dearscooter on…in or on Twitter and Instagram. That’s where you can find me. Let’s get on with the show.

INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep?  Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play.  What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you up; thoughts, feelings, physical sensations.  So yeah, thoughts you’re thinking about or other things you’re thinking…you might say Scoots, can thoughts think of thoughts? I said believe me, that’s one of my thoughts’ hobbies, is…don’t worry, I’m not gonna…so, whatever’s going through your mind; feelings, emotions that might be coming up for you, maybe the remnants from the day or the deep past, or thinking about other stuff, physical sensations, anything you’re experiencing physically.  It could be changes or unexpect…how come they call it an inspection? What’s an unexpected inspection coming? We have two things we could talk about; unexpected unexpections or whatever the first thing was that I already forgot about. It could be whatever, you got to be traveling, someone else is traveling, something’s buzzing out there. Holy moly with that buzzing. Transform…I don’t care if you keep my power on. Quit with the buzzing. Transform into something that doesn’t buzz, transformer.  Also, it’s my other podcast, Throwing Shade on Utility Poles and Transformers. Oh no, that’s the Utility Pole Notes; things interesting to utility poles and make people interested in utility poles. Doesn’t have any listeners yet, but one day. Believe me, doesn’t anybody remember when season one of Everything is Alive, the lamp post? Okay, where was I? Sorry, new listeners. I went off-topic early. Uninspection. I’ll try to remember that if I can. But if you’re new…oh, what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna try to create a safe place where you can set aside whatever is keeping you awake, like I said.  There’s plenty of room here. It’s peaceful. However you like your space; this is a safe place where you are, too. The way I do it, is I send my voice across the deep, dark night. I use lulling, soothing, creaky dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents. I go off-topic, I get mixed up, totally on purpose. Unexpections, maybe. I use made-up words, or you say words that were retired for a reason, Scoots. I say oh boy, tell me those. Not those words; this is a podcast…but uninspection; if that was ever a word…what do they call it? Don’t they call it surprise inspection? You’d say is this an uninspection?  It’s something that sounds like something that they’d say on The Office; well, this is an uninspection. You’d say so are you…okay, oh, you’re right, I should talk to the new…I just got on an unsplained…what’s the cure for splainers? Unsplained. It comes in a spray, aerosol…not aerosol form but a spray form, also a powder. Works best as a glittery powder that you…it’s called Unsplain, or Unsplained. It’s a powder you throw in the air that poofs them. Poof the splainers. Okay, so if you’re new, here’s the thing; this podcast is very unexpected or very…from what you say, okay, this isn’t a podcast I’ve heard before or it sounds like one I’ve heard before.  You say, right; I got creaky dulcet tones which is a bit like a frog that…if a frog and a utility pole got together, that might be…that may be my…you may be able to trace it back. You’ll say Scoots, where did you get those creaky dulcet tones? I’d say well, junior, have a seat. It’s time for us to have our big talk, finally, right here in the middle of a podcast intro when I was trying to talk to the new listeners but have a seat. Once upon a time there was a frog, a utility pole, and something so shiny and sweet it could only be called the dulcet. They all fell in love and said to one another, let’s hold hands and treat each other with dignity and respect and let’s just hang out.  Then they got bored and then they realized there was something between their heart and their gut that started fluttering and each one of them, in a wonderful way…oh no, Junior, please don’t ask me about the fluttering. Right here, near your rib cage, and then that’s how I got my creaky dulcet tones. Oh boy, that’s how it all started. It all ended with creaky dulcet tones because that’s how I…ever since I saw the three of them holding hands while they were bored, my voice changed forever. If you’re a new listener, this podcast…okay, so creaky dulcet tones is one thing. It’s creaky dulcet tones, pointless meanders; that one kind of self-explanatory. The show starts off structurally…oh boy, is that unexpected.  The show starts off with business. That’s how we keep it free for everybody. Millions of people can download it if they want, for free. [00:10:00] The show starts off a little bit fast-paced and catchy because that’s how we’re able to bring you the rest of the show. Structure of the show starts off with business, then there’s an intro that’s twelve to twenty minutes long which you can kind of see how the intro works; it’s really a meandering way of me explaining the podcast in a new way every single time because that gives you just time to get ready for bed or get into bed and get settled. Let all those…what did I call them? What was that…surprise unspections just drain away, just like that day I came home to my utility pole and my dulcet and I said hoo, boy…yeah, I’m the frog in this story, Junior, yup.  They said oh, how was your day at work? I said oh boy, those bogs aren’t gonna…those lily pads aren’t gonna sit on themselves. We had an unexpection today and it was…what’d you have? Well, today’s uninspection was to make sure our lily pads were properly polished. Properly Polished Patrol, they called themselves. You know, I said holy, you gotta be kidding me with this. I’m just a frog. I’m just trying to sit here; I didn’t realize I had to maintain…I thought my job was frog and I was just supposed to make noises. I got a utility pole and a dulcet at home and some sort of creaky dulcet tones. I don’t even know…you know, we didn’t expect…we weren’t expecting creaky dulcet tones to be in our home. But yeah, I thought I was just supposed to sit on this lily pad…didn’t even realize…what an unexpected inspection.  You could say I didn’t even know this was in my job requirement or my title. It’s just frog; I don’t see frog – duties include polishing of lily pads. Oh, it’s new GOS. Oh, I automatically opted in by moving my head? Okay, great. Know what? We should get back to the…sorry, Junior. Enough about our family history. The intros are just kind of a long, meandering chance to give you a chance to unwind and get ready for bed, just like our frog example here. It’s kind of hard when your personal mythology’s tied into it but just like our example, sorry, I’m distracted just thinking about that. Is that really where my…tell me the truth, Papa; is that really where my creaky dulcet tones came from? Okay, so oh, the intro’s just a long, winding introduction of the show just to give you a chance to wind down. New listeners sometimes find it a little bit jarring even though it’s…sometimes if I end up beginning the show jarring, sometimes they find the intro jarring just ‘cause they never…it takes me twelve to twenty minutes to get to…not really to get to a point but get to the next stage of the podcast.  That’s the intro. Then there’s a story. I think tonight maybe we should get deeper into this frog thing. Lily Pad Polishing Patrol sounds interesting to me. Yeah, we’ll tell a little story, then there’s some thank-you’s at the end. That’s the structure of the show. This is also a podcast you don’t really need to listen to. You can kind of consume it in a loose way, an out-of-focus way if you want. Some people listen to it just at a muttering level and some people listen closely. Kinda see what works for you. Some listeners skip ahead, skip the intro. Some listen to the whole show. Some listen during the day for distraction, too. If you’re new, you’ll kinda get an idea of what works for you so just give the show a few tries. For some reason, even though I say it, it’s like oh wait, I really don’t need to listen or pay attention. Like my Nana says every time I try to find my own dulcet and utility pole…I don’t know why I bring my Nana on dates with me except that she’s one with me. She says don’t pay him any mind. I say this is the part where I try to be humorous and show my humor. She says don’t pay him any mind.  I say but this is one case where…in that case or every other case in my existence, it’s not exactly…that’s a liability. In this one it’s an asset and my Nana is an asset here. Believe me Nana, you put the…I’m just kidding. I won’t even say it. I was trying to think of a way to reverse it and say…but I don’t know the actual Webster’s definition for asset. If I knew that I would say you know, the qualitative value of a service or good…you put that in asset, not the other part. Oh, she does. I mean, figurative…not figuratively like that; I mean metaphorically. I guess ‘cause I used like; would that be a simile? Oh, don’t pay me any mind. You’re right. You don’t really need to listen to this podcast. There’s also no pressure to fall asleep. The reason the shows are about an hour is I’m here to keep you company as you drift off. Drift off whenever works for you, whenever you find yourself doing so. Then if you can’t sleep, I’m gonna be here ‘til the very end so if you’re one of those people that just can’t get to sleep for some reason or you’re waking up and need some company, I’m here to keep you company. I’m your bore-bud, your bore-bae, your bore-sib, your bore-cuz, your bore-bestie, if you wish.  I’m here for you because I truly believe you deserve a good night’s sleep. You deserve a safe place where you can get some rest so that you can go out there and live your life and flourish. I make this show because I’ve been there so I think I said structure…you know, I sound different. Here's the things we’ll recap; uninspections or unexpections are uninspected inspections. I do have creaky dulcet tones. I’m a bit strange and different and this podcast is similar to mild humor but not quite there. You say well, he doesn’t quite get there. What else? Structurally, the show’s different. Listening, the show’s a bit different. Falling asleep, it’s a little bit different but it’s here for you because I don’t know if it comes across…if the podcast does work for you, you’ll get it. I care because I know how it feels. Those of you that I can help, I really hope I can but as a lot of regular listeners say, almost every regular listener says give it a few tries. It took a few tries to get the idea of the show. The show became the opposite of an unspection because it’s that feeling when you know you’re just a frog…you say I’m just a frog sitting on a lily pad. I don’t have to worry about unspections. I’m just here.  Believe it or not, this frog sent me a telegram. It’s not easy being a frog. I say oh yeah, I forgot about that. Kermit had to write a song ‘cause we were…I say thanks for the reminder. I don’t know how frogs track me down but…okay, so I’m glad you’re here. I work very hard, I yearn and I strive, and I…’cause I really want to help you fall asleep so thanks again for coming by. Here's a couple ways we keep this podcast free for everybody.

Hey, I don’t know if you’ve checked out our merch store lately but you better get over there.  We’ve got stickers, we’ve got a bore-friend shirt. We got a lot more stuff in the works, plus all the merch you’ve come to love, stars on the rear-end of those sleepy pants, and plenty more.  Go over to sleepwithmepodcast.com/store. That’s sleepwithmepodcast.com/store. Check out our merch and let me know when you get your swag on. Let me know about it. Thanks, everybody. Alright everybody, I’m gonna turn it over here to a…I got one of those frogs that came up in the intro.  Anyway, I’m gonna send it over to you. This is going straight to a bog from here. Hello, everybody. I have creaky dulcet tones but I actually have a reason; because I’m a frog. Nice to meet all of you. I’m glad to be here. I’m technically not in a bog; I’m in a…Scooter, a lot of people just bandy about the word bog or swamp.  I’ve heard people use fancier terms like something with repairing a water shed. I call it home. It’s the place where I live, the place where I work. It’s just my area, my neighborhood. I’m a frog and like I said, I want to tell you a little bit about a tale I said. Once upon a time [00:20:00] there was a frog and a water strider.  They lived in a world much like my world. There was a river and the river came down from somewhere…a plateau where the river started due to rain and snowfall. This river was known for fishing and a little bit of recreation but mostly for fishing. But not far off the river…I don’t think it was a tributary. It was a side road and again, where someone less knowledgeable might call it a swamp but you go through some reeds, you go through some swampy-like areas away from the main waterflow but where water still comes.  Humans, they go there, too. They got boats, they got canoes, they got row boats, they got other things but here in this river, the water’s just fine. Oh boy, is it fine for someone like me. There once was, at the beginning of this tale, there I was. It was my first day on the job. Holy cow, was I proud to be a frog; I got my first lily pad and this was a time where we were…somebody said well, aren’t you just existing because you’re sitting on that lily pad? You’re probably doing one or two or three things. I’d say are you frog-splaining me because I was the one telling this story of my experience as a frog.  But yeah, I mean most people say well, frogs are doing a few different things; one, trying to find a mate. Tell me about it. Two; existing. You’re right, and feeding and eating. Three, regulating your body temperature and that kind of stuff. Those are all real things. I mean, those are all legitimate, real things but none of those were why I was there. We’d actually got a big job. Now, we were feeding. This was an initiative that…now, this land was ruled by a great queen. She was also a wizardess. Some might even say, I don’t know. But again, I’m just a frog; I don’t know the exact things but I guess at some point because of the waste of humans, no offense to all of you…hey everybody, this is actually Bernie the butterfly here.  I’m telling you…did you like how I’m doing this…I’m doing a story for all of yous. Scooter said Bernie, just keep in character. He’s been trying to teach ‘cause I said when am I gonna be back on that podcast? I want to talk about the newest boy bands I’m into. Scooter told me that the tote bag…I don’t know why everybody’s not buying my friggin’ tote bag. You know I’m on a tote bag and a t-shirt and according to Scooter, he says well…he says Scooter, how are my tote bags selling? He said well, it’s acquired taste, Bernie. You know, super fans like them and the super fans of the podcast are the ones that support the merch store, so super fans of you. I said whoa, whoa, whoa; they got to be a double super fan to buy my tote bag? He said yeah, Bernie.  I said oh boy, and then I said when can I get on to talk about NCT? I’m not a…’cause Scooter said I think we’ve had enough Five Seconds of Summer content. Not that there’s anything wrong with that but he said maybe in the next decade we could get…and I said well, I’d like to come on to talk about NCT and he said well…he said pitch me. I said well, what does it…he said what if we do something different? You tell a bedtime story, Bernie. I said Scooter, that’s what I do every time. I come on, I wrap a parable within a fable about the humans or about how great…how boy bands taught me to love. Those two things, also my propensity for drinking Gatorade instead of a natural butterfly’s…he said you could come back on the show. I think he’s using the restroom or something.  That’s why I’m talking to you for reals, here. But if I change my voice again to something oh-so sweet like the little frog…also, I don’t even know the name…Scooter said here’s how you do it. Let me walk you through it. He said Bernie, remember, don’t be getting in the human’s business about…I said I know, Scooter. I know to wrap a parable within a fable. I’ve done it before. You should hear how we all talk about it. He said have you got any of my advice about your hair or your look or your dressing, or your shoes? He said I don’t know what you’re talking about. Good to meet…also, this is one thing Scooter always tells me. He says a lot of new listeners here. Listeners come; listeners go so I would love to apply to be for you to become a super fan of me. I would love to be in that position.  Now, you got to qualify which is you gotta be a human that’s open-minded. One, you say well, humans; what are we gonna do? One, if you agree with that statement, you’re getting there. I hear Scooter talking to his dogs. That’s why I got some time here. If you’re a human that says…I say huh, yeah, humans. They’re not so great but you know what I love? Butterflies. Those are great. You know what I even love more? Giving butterflies Gatorade. Not random ones, though. Holy moly. I don’t want the rest of the butterflies to be in a position like those hummingbirds. Please don’t do that to us. Just with me; I’m the only butterfly that’s allowed Gatorade or Powerade or any of your ades; Kirkland Signature Ade is just fine by me. Oh, so the new listeners. If you’re new, how are you doing? I’m Bernie the butterfly.  Once upon a time, I was a butterfly minding my own business in the lot next to the apartment where Scooter lived and one day he was out there skipping to the lou, as I like to call it, and you know, how he does it; his head in the clouds, his brain left at home or something and he said la-da-da. He’s talking, he’s looking at things, and we cross paths. I happen to be one of the few butterflies…I mean, no offense to all my butterflies out there but I gained full sentience and a total grasp of the friggin’ English language, you know. So, I’m a butterfly, right? I get to work. I says to him…oh boy, it was a wrong day…lightning struck, I guess, because he says…he looks at me. He gets a little bit too close with the talking and he says blah, blah, blah, and I said whoa, whoa, whoa, I’m a butterfly, not a baby. What do I look like, I’m in a crib over here?  Then he said wow, you can talkie-poo. I said oh, boy. Then he asked me the fateful question; if I was friends with Geordi LeVar Burton and that’s when everything changed. I had to tell him all that…you know, beloved as LeVar Burton is by readers and podcasters, Star Trek fans, fans of humanity, those things, us butterflies…well, not every butterfly. I do get a lot of pushback from the majority of the butterfly community so I don’t speak for everyone. I guess I’m contractually required to say that most butterflies do like LeVar Burton. I, on the other hand, I’ve grown to appreciate his ability to act but I don’t know him personally. I just know that at this time, I was going through something, you know? I said why do you got to friggin’ say butterflies…you could fly twice as high? I could not let it go. The whole idea of the butterflies…oh, so who’s LeVar Burton?  You might not even know who I am. LeVar Burton, he’s a famous podcaster now. He was a famous actor, probably still is considered a famous actor. Played Geordi La Forge. He’s done a lot of good stuff but also hosted a show called Reading Rainbow [00:30:00] and when he was doing that show, I guess Scooter also said well, how do you know LeVar Burton wrote the theme song? I said this was years later. It took Scooter years to think about that comeback but in his theme song, he had a show called Reading Rainbow and the songs was about how great reading was. That was what the show was about. I got no qualms with that but a big part of the song probably…I mean, no offense; most popular part of the song is that butterflies in the sky, I could fly twice as high. You know, when I first started, I said I couldn’t forget it. I said whoa, whoa, whoa. Now, maybe it was my teen years, I was a little angsty.  That was the day when I met Scooter. I just happened to be agitated about…look, I said but I couldn’t…that was the day of my first human interaction. I seen a lot of TV because I fly by the windows and I sit there and I say well, let’s watch the show. That was a big day for me. I say well, take look in a book? Okay. I can’t go anywhere, sounds good to me. Then I see…just imagine if you were a human and they said you know, whatever, reading caterpillars. We could make twice a big a mess as a human. You’d say oh, I’ll show you. Okay, so this is the rule…I’m breaking all the rules here ‘cause Scooter’s not around listening into me. That’ll teach him. Oh, so I’m Bernie the butterfly. I met Scooter there, I gave him a piece of my mind. He laughed pleasantly; he said I could see why…he was very amused but in a way that since he’s not here, I can say it, I felt a little empathy and compassion. He wasn’t laughing to negate how I was feeling; he was saying huh, makes total sense a butterfly wouldn’t like that.  He said you know, if I could fly, I wouldn’t want to know who could fly twice as high as me. We became friends. I’ve been on the podcast before. I ended up moving in because I developed a taste for Gatorade. Also developed a taste for Scooter bringing me the Gatorade while I sit on the couch and watch TV. Not sure which came first but we became…we had a lifestyle together. He would go to work, I would sit around and watch TV and drink Gatorade. Then I would say get some more Gatorade right away. Then he said Bernie, what do you want to do with your life? This was six years ago but I said taste all those flavors. I said you got Winter Frost, you got Ultra Frost. You got Blue Freeze, you got Grape Arctic Blast, you got Cherry Ice. I said I want to get through all those flavors, Scooter. That’s what I want to do. But neither one of us ended up being good at keeping track of all those names. I think they scaled back. Melon Freeze; I said okay, well, I’ll never know the taste of Melon Freeze or Glacier Ice.  I said how do you decide what…if you’re gonna have something called Glacier Ice, what do you decide? What’s that meeting…you got the team with the name. You got the team that says okay, it’ll be like the color of glacier ice, you’d imagine, like a frosty white grey. We got the color; we got the flavor. What are we gonna go with? Make sure it doesn’t taste anything like glaciers or ice, though. They’d say a little grapey, a little fruit punch. Okay, got it. Make it. What about Frosted Melon? I don’t know about that one. Let’s wait for that one. Which celebrities are we doing cross-promos with? Because we could get someone. They’d say well, let’s wait for the winter Olympics for that one. Okay, so anyway, I met Scooter, moved in, been on the podcast, started doing the Thanksgiving Day Parade coverage. That’s about it but I haven’t been on the show for a while because lately, over the last few years, I just became very particular. Once I cut the Gatorade, they said you gotta reduce your Gatorade. Anyway, I got really into boy bands; in particular Five Seconds of Summer and then some other things but I gotta go ‘cause Scooter’s coming down but that’s basically my history with the show.  Now I’m back to tell you the story about this frog and his first day on the job. But I just wanted to…the thing is, I guess I learned to love the audience of this podcast because I understand, ‘cause I love NCT or Five Seconds of Summer and the way they move, the way they sing, the feelings that triggers in me, the journey I’m taken on, experiencing through song and movement; costumes, eye contact, all those things that maybe…I know that there’s a different experience. A podcast is like the lulling version of that thing. Anyway, oh, so there I was, sitting on my lily pad. It was my first day of work and oh, so the queen…okay, so good talking to you. The queen had said to me…she designed all of the things. She said that she wanted some symbiosis so they put us…this was the third generation of frogs in this area, in this kingdom, that we were…what are they called? The hodrozzle. The hodrozzle. I think it was a made-up word but it was a thing where the balance had been thrown off and we were there to restore the balance and just sit on our lily pads and do our job but not do it just for sustenance. We were supposed to…by magic or natural magic, we were assigned areas for best coverage. Now, I had become best friends with a water strider who I called Stridey.  Originally, I called it Stridey Stridex because Stridey looked like an x. Then Stridey explained to me that Stridex was like a brand. Stridey said no, no, I don’t want to be Stridex. I said why not? You look like an extra strider. You’re Stridex. Then Stridey said how would you spell that? I said S-T-R-I-D-E-X and Stridey explained to me that when humans turned into teens, just like a lily pad, they had these pads to clean their skin and they were called Stridex pads and I said oh. You don’t want to be called Stridex. Stridey said no thank you. You know, that was…I was there to deal with that situation. All was going good on my first day and I was talking to Stridey who didn’t have a job. Stridey would just skate around like a Shibs, just like one of those two wonderful twins skating around on water instead of ice. Those ice skaters that Bernie the butterfly almost loves as much as NC…oh, so it was my first day at work. I was there working and just talking to Stridey when all of a sudden, I felt this strong pulling at the back of my lily pad. I had a very nice lily pad; full size, shaped like a heart or like a spade, however you want to describe it, like a lily, like a lily leaf or a lily pad. I was sitting there and I was facing on what you would probably call the butt end of the lily pad that looks like it’s two humps because I just found out it’s a nice balance.  I felt a strong pulling at the back, the tail-end of my lily pad. I look around and then there’s someone back there, a butterfly back there in an official-looking uniform. I said who are you? The butterfly said I’m a spelunker over here. I’m here to check up on your lily pad. I said oh, how nice to meet you. [00:40:00] It’s just my first day. The spelunker said well, you’re not doing that great a job. This lily pad’s a mess; I’ll be honest with you. I said oh no, I didn’t…what are you…this is my first day at work. I don’t know what you mean; it’s balanced, I’m here, I’m on the butt end, I’m facing out, I’m on the lookout to keep this biome in balance. I’m here on behalf of the queen. I had a best friend named Stridex. He said whoa, whoa, whoa, your best friend’s name is Stridex over here, this one? This Stridex. I love how you move on the ice, by the way. I mean, I wish I could see you on ice. That’s what I meant over there. What’s your name again? Stridex? What about Strider? Oh, that’s what everybody calls…oh, that makes sense. A water strider. Stridex does have a nice ring to it, I mean, as long as you’re not…are you in your teens? For a water strider, you are. Yeah, I don’t know if Stridey’s any better. I think Stridex is still pretty good. Anyway, I’m a spelunker and I’m here to make sure…I guess I’m doing a lily pad inspection so I don’t know who you are to tell me.  I’m just here to inspect your lily pad and I’m telling you it’s not up to snuff. It’s my first day; they didn’t tell us anything about this at training. They just said sit here on this lily pad and if any of buzzy buddies go by, send them to the big buzzer in the sky. I got to tell you, I’m a little bit…I’m just a butterfly so my job is not…my job does not include breakfast, lunch, and dinner. You get paid for this in addition to getting to…oh no, no, it’s part of our…it’s a requirement for being a frog in this area, currently. Oh, really? So, you just do it for the food and then…because you’re supposed to. Yeah, I guess so. I mean, it’s just the way I was taught. Plus, I got a best friend here, Stridex, or Stridey. It’s pretty nice out here; I got this really nice lily pad they assigned me. I don’t know, I’m enjoying the work so far and everybody made it seem like it was a pretty square deal. Yeah, that’s too bad, I guess. Let me check my…you look like you were going to say something. I was just gonna say it really feels good to be guarding the coast in some sense and making sure our kingdom and the queen is…everything’s in balance for her. That’s what I was gonna say here, is yeah, everything’s in balance for the queen. Is the queen a frog? Let me just run by it. Let me check my memory banks here. Oh no, the queen’s a human being. Yeah, that’s what I thought. Interesting. Okay, so I’m just…you’re distracting me and I think a buzzy buddy just went by and Stridey just nodded even though Stridey doesn’t really talk, just skates around.  Stridey, you can usually interpret things by Stridey’s movement and Stridey’s doing a movement that says…I think questioning your motives, to be honest. Well, it’s a good thing because my motives are to inspect your lily pad and I can see, as I was flying in here…butterflies, we fly in an indirect manner. We could fly thousands of miles. I’m not sure if you knew that. I happen to catch your lily pad on my route list here. I said huh, that one does not look like it’s up to snuff. Oh, well who do you work for, exactly? Oh, well, I work for the Pad Polish Patrol. That’s what I am; a triple P. I’m a Pad Polish Patroller here to make sure your pad is properly polished. That’s why I’m here and I see that there’s no polish on this pad. That happens to be some…looks like you got a seagull spot over there. I don’t know, some crusty stuff I think there. You got some sun spot on that side. You got some good, natural polish there to the left, the left butt, as you pointed out. But yeah, I mean, it looks like I’m gonna have to report this in. That’ll be too bad because then you’ll let that top human that’s in charge of all this…let her down, I guess. She has her own little wizardess to look after, now. I don’t know if humans can sit on lily pads or how long it takes them to start to work. Probably, the queen’s children won’t have to work, anyway but I guess you’ll be joining them because when I get this report filed…you seem like such a nice kid, by the way. I’m actually not a kid; I’m a frog. I’m not a kid at all. I’m a frog. Yeah, a frog, can’t you tell?  No, I was just trying to cut you a break so that you could keep doing this. It’s your first day at work. I’d say holy cow, back when I was your age, they would say oh, just go ahead and get some…I was never a frog. I never had the privilege of being a frog; I’ve just been a butterfly but I’ve always paid attention. Wow, that Stridey can really move, holy moly. I don’t know; that last move reminds me of…I don’t know if you ever check…if you ever watch ice skaters on social media. Sometimes they skate in parking lots. I watched Michelle Kwan in the parking lot a few times on inline skates. She also has great cooking tips, if you ever look…oh, sorry about that. I got distracted again. It’s too bad we didn’t have any music to put on. I put on some…you two familiar with the music…I can’t say it but you know, baby fish? I’m just trying to get…you were saying about cutting me a break and what it was like when you were a little butterfly. Whoa, whoa, whoa, little butterfly? No, I was always a butterfly. I was just small for my age. I wasn’t a little butterfly. Oh, that’s not what I meant. I mean…no, I was saying, back when I was a younger butterfly, people would…they’d say well, just go get some polish. Polish up your lily pad here and don’t worry. As long as it’s polished tomorrow or you’re working on polishing it, there’s no reason to worry at all. But you know, that’s just…that’s why they call them the good old days. I guess I’ll just file my report and then be good knowing you. You, Stridey, great moves. Oh, well, couldn’t you cut me a break like the old days and I could go get some polish and we could polish this up or I could polish it up…I’ll stay after…I’ll stay late today even after…once croak time comes, I’ll work right through croaking time.  I mean, I’m not even sure I’m…I have my croak, my full croaks haven’t come in yet anyway. Do you know where I could get some polish? Do you have any polish on you? No, I don’t have any. They didn’t give you any pad polish, eh? No, I just enforce unpolished pads. I don’t polish ‘em. Isn’t there a spot I could go get some? Yeah, that’s the only downside kid, is that the only place I heard that has a lot of lily pad polish is the queen’s secret castle. That’s off-limit to butterflies. Also, I don’t even know where it is. That’s why it’s off-limits. I don’t even know how to get there. Even though I know where it is in the queen’s…I’d love to help you but I really can’t. I just know that it’s in the kitchen of the queen’s castle. Oh, well I actually happen to know where the queen’s castle is because that’s where one time, actually, I got a…when I was young, when I was just a frogling I got put in a bucket and brought [00:50:00] to the queen’s castle for a little while to lie on some grass in a bucket. Then they let me go back home. Oh wow, that’s a wonderful story. Why don’t we go over to the queen’s castle and get you some pad polish and everything will be good? We could just leave Stridey here. Stridey, you think you could sit on the lily pad and pretend you’re a frog for a while? Oh, I thought you guys were best friends. I mean, I know you want to come along and keep an eye on me but if you stay on the lily pad, your friend here would know if anybody came by, any other inspectors, or you could just say nobody came by. You could just say…if anybody looked, you’d say you had 4:45 PM was when you took a cooling jump down to the bottom of the…you’d cover for them. Kind of a best-friend type move. Okay, great, let’s head out here. Oh, I’m gonna fly. I’ll meet you.  Just head across the water there. There’s a dock. You want to go to the left of the dock. The land slowly slopes out of the river there, where those rocks are. Wow, you swim fast, almost as fast as a butterfly can fly. Anyway, what was I telling you about? Oh, I think we were saying you just lead the way. I’ve never been to the castle before. Okay, it’s up this way. Yeah, I was saying that it’s too bad the queen’s not a frog. She’s just a human, like you were saying. Probably, I don’t know, do you believe they have…that all the planning is best for the frogs? Or is there any contra argument about it, like maybe the frogs would want…I don’t know, do what they want to do and not be told to sit on a polished lily pad all the time. I don’t know; I’ve heard tale of a place called Adventure Island. That’s where I would want to go. But you know, I just got to do the queen’s job. I can’t go to Adventure Island. Whoa, whoa, whoa, what’s this Adventure Island place? Well, when I was in the bucket, that’s where the queen’s family was going; to Adventure Island. They said it had waterfalls, ponds. The kids were telling me about it; mini-golf, they said there was even holes where frogs can hide, carts that go…they said no frogs near the carts that go. They said waterslides, lots of…it sounded great. Castles…other than the queen’s castle, this must be another spot. I think there’s other stuff that sounds fun; splash pad. That’s what really caught my attention even though I forgot it ‘til just now. Okay, hold on, hold on over here. Did you ever hear anything about…two things; one, did you ever hear…do you know if they play music there? I don’t know. Okay, did you ever hear the word DJ? Oh yeah, live concerts and DJ. I did hear that. Dance parties at Adventure Island. Okay, interesting.  Okay, this is important. Trace your memory banks; did you ever hear them say concession stand? Concession stand; yeah, they said can we get…yeah, they said only if the concession stand’s open. Can we get some treats? Iced cream, they talked about. Okay, that’s a guarantee. If they have that, they have Gatorade over there. Whoa, whoa, so did you ever hear where this Adventure Island was? It doesn’t sound like far. They said we’ll be there in five minutes to Adventure Island. They went in the rolling thunder machine. It’s called a station wagon. Oh yeah, the wagon. They said get in the wagon and everybody climb in. Yeah, okay, do you know where the wagon is? Well, it’s just up here, right on the way to the queen’s castle before the great climb to the castle is where they parked the wagon. See it? It’s right around this corner here. Just follow me as I hop along. Hop, hop, hop this way. Oh wow, there it is with its fake wood paneling and all. A lot of horsepower in that thing, they say. Well, you certainly seem interested in it for an inspector. You know, don’t you have other lily pads you have to inspect? Listen, I’m gonna talk to you…oh wait, here they come. We gotta figure out a way to get in that wagon, now that I’m thinking about it. I thought you said that all the lily pad polish was up in the queen’s kitchen. Yeah, I mean, it is, right next to the Gatorade in the kitchen but they don’t have a DJ there, live music. Here’s the thing; when I was listening to the radio, I heard a NCT cover bad, or tribute band is playing at Adventure Island. We’re gonna have to get into this car because also…you gotta trust me, kid. That’s all I can tell you. I don’t know why I would trust you. None of this seems to make any sense to me at all. I’ll tell you what, if you trust me, I’ll tell you why you should…I’ll earn your trust if you help me get in.  I know I could get in. We gotta sneak in. See the open in the back door and…if we get in the back door there, come on, you hop up on the bumper there and I’m gonna fly in there. That’s where they’re throwing all the…yeah. See, now they’re gonna come and throw all the stroller and everything there. Oh, there comes the queen. She’s gonna be driving the carriage. Oh, they’re closing us in. Yeah, they didn’t see us. Good job hiding there on that little well that the kids put junk in. So, anyway, you were saying that I could trust you; are we gonna be able to get some lily pad polish here in the car, or the wagon, or at Adventure Island? Listen kid, I wanted you to have a seat here because I was gonna tell you some stuff. Let’s get down here behind the seats. The car’s really loud so I don’t think they’ll hear us but listen; there’s no lily pad polish up there. In fact, there’s no lily pad polish at all. Oh goodness, what a ruse. Yeah, it was a ruse, to be honest with you. I’m a agitated butterfly agitator. I saw you there working for the queen and I heard about this whole frog initiative and I gotta tell you, I strongly disagree with it. You know, I’m not against humans; I’m just against humans telling frogs what to do. In fact, can you tell me when…’cause I didn’t even hear, really; was this a national initiative or was this…how did you find out that you were supposed to be…sitting on a lily pad eating stuff to keep things in balance? Oh, well, when I was a frogling, after they caught me in the bucket and then they let me go, I would come back and listen and the queen, she had a training session one day where she was watching a bunch of the kids. Not just her children but other children and she said oh, gather round, my little froggies. I knew she was talking to me in addition to these other children. That’s when she told the tale about everything being out of balance and all that.  Then I said well, one day…she said when you can hop and swim, that’s when you’ll know you’re old enough to start the watch to bring things back into balance. Today was that day; I’ve been swimming a little bit more each day ‘cause I saw that lily pad; I knew it was mine because Stridey would stride right around it. That’s how I know. Oh boy, okay, well…so what I was saying is I made all this stuff up about the lily pad’s polish and about the queen because I wanted to get some Gatorade from the queen’s kitchen. Oh, what’s Gatorade? Well, I don’t think frogs could eat it, to be honest with you. It’s just something for butterflies. It’s butterfly water. Oh, why wouldn’t the queen [01:00:00] just give it to you? Well, that’s the thing, kid; you know, when someone calls themselves the queen or a king or a ruler, in this case, I want to say was a little bit of pretend; there might not actually be a queen or any of that stuff. Oh boy, but if I tell you, the way you’re looking at me with those froggy frog eyes…is that a tear forming in your eye there? Well, I’m just wondering…I’m just not feeling settled in my belief system now. Okay, listen kid, I’m gonna tell you the truth because the truth is what will help. You know what happened is, the queen and her great vision…now, this is all a secret. You can’t tell any of these other people ‘cause they don’t even speak frog or butterfly. You know, the common language of the swamp. The queen, she wanted every creature to learn and have their own adventure. She set forth this initiative to set forth learning to grow by a little bit each time, swimming and developing your skills. She did that through a series of stories; she told that one day to help you to train for going on your own adventure. Then, she set forth people like me that…sometimes they call me the…that I have a bag of tricks but most of the time I’m the wise mentor-type figure, kind of that fox that helped Pinocchio, the famous ones, like Honest John.  Oh, I’m not familiar with him. Well, you just call me…Bernie the NCT fan, I guess would be it. When you meet these beings, your journey shifts, just like the queen wanted you in the end to have your own adventure and be able to go to the place you dreamed of which was Adventure Island, I guess. But I don’t know if I was just dreaming of it in my mind. The next thing you know, you meet me, we get in…despite me having…not be fully honest with you at the time; had to make sure you were ready to continue your adventure to Adventure Island which is…oh, looks like we’re pulling in…can you hear the dirt? We’re in a dirt parking lot. That sounds like the ringing sounds of heaven. Right now, we’re gonna have to get ready to get out when they get the stroller out but the husband there, the queen’s assistant, I like to call him; he doesn’t know how to lock the stroller so while he’s fumbling with the stroller, let’s go. Oh wow, it’s gravel everywhere. Well, this is just a parking lot. Let’s get over this grass on the edge of the parking lot, here. Yeah, so there it is, kid. That’s Adventure Island there. That’s the mini-golf. Look at all those…here’s a little tip; I think you could go live behind that waterfall there and you could swim around. A lot of things…that’s the go-carts. Just call them no-carts. Don’t go near there. Okay, so don’t go near those karts. What’s that down there? That’s the stage. That’s where I’m gonna be and if you want to join me, I don’t know if you’re into music…I don’t know what music is except for the sweet songs of the swamp. Yeah, here’s the thing; my dream was always to be a member of NCT. This is a cover band that’s playing. I guess they’re playing today…oh no, the flyer says next week. Oh boy. What does that say? NKOTBNCT. Yeah, it’s this touring mashup. It’s a cover band. Okay, so it’s a tribute band, actually. It’s a band that plays NCT and New Kids on the Block music together and sometimes they mash the songs up. I’ve never heard any of their music before but they’re playing here.  I guess it’s next week. The good news is, kid; we could live in that castle and we could listen to the DJs. They have music here. Look at all these kids, these humans having fun. They don’t properly dispose of everything which brings…what did you call them? Buggy buddies, or whatever. There’s plenty of Gatorade for me, buggy buddies for you. What do we say we go behind that waterfall there on Hole 18? Oh, that says Hole 11. Okay, yeah, that’s not my forte. We’ll be roommates for a little while and then we’ll go see NCT and KOTBNCT, whatever they’re called. I get it mixed up ‘cause I say NCT first, in my opinion. Well, thank you. This has been quite a pleasurable adventure. I think my adventure will continue. Well, it'll be…this’ll be the boring part. We’ll just sit around and watch humans but it won’t be too bad. It’s great meeting you. Why don’t you pass your time sending a note to Stridey and maybe if you get it finished, we could put it in the station wagon. Okay, dear Stridey, I’m here at Adventure Island missing you. Make sure to say in the letter if Stridey can come, that’d be great because I love…like I said, I like listening…I like watching figure skating, especially the Shibs. I don’t know, that’s another thing I’m a fan of. Just relaxes me very much, especially when they’re having fun; just like bands. I’m gonna lie down here and get some sleep here but maybe we’ll…wake me up in a week, alright? Alright, I’ll be here penning my note. Goodnight. Alright, I want to thank everybody that reviewed the show recently on Apple Podcast; Mimi Momo…Mi Mo…I think I thanked…but I like saying that from Norway. Good work. First, I didn’t realize…I think it would work then I realized that I was asleep, so we’ll listen to it again. G Hound from the UK; sleep so much quicker with this on. Sweed1111; they’re from the USA, though. They say good stuff; I listen at 1.5 speed and it works for me, with a fifteen-minute timer when I wake up and I love Cloud Tower. Thanks, Sweed. Then Ovington; favorite podcast, love it. I used to donate money, can’t do it right now.  Not in a position to do so but I’ll show my support by writing a review. That’s a great way to be supportive. Listening to this podcast is comforting, helps my brain stay occupied. I deal with ADHD but nine times out of ten, Sleep With Me helps fill up that space in my brain so I can fall asleep and stay calm, mildly entertained. Keeps me in bed and there’s no pressure to fall asleep, unlike other podcasts where I’m worrying if I’m doing it right or wrong. Here to keep me company, it’s truly a life saver. Thank you. A little bird told me; says thank you and love No Thank You, too, and uses it on and off, skeptical at first. Then I woke up. Love the No Thank You show that helped me find empty bowl. Dano Banano; puts me to sleep like a charm. Only downside is extensive Patreon ads. But yeah, I realize that nothing in life is free. Star Trek episodes are my favorite. Thanks, Scoots. Amazing. This is the first time I’ve ever left a review. It really works. I suffer from insomnia. I gave this a try. That’s from NB0520. Joanne did not like the podcast; it sent the bad kind of shivers down Joanne’s spine. But Joanne did give a two-star review which is rare. Usually that would be a one-star review so that’s like one of our few written two-star reviews. Scoots is amazing; AU Lab says keeps my dog asleep too; very helpful. This one I want you to guess the stars on it. Are there stories or just rambling? Can’t tell where the ads end and the story begins. Oh, but sorry, I gave it away. Every time I listen, I remember why I don’t listen to it very often. That’s from Allen. Then also, Dragon did not enjoy the podcast. No thanks, but I don’t know if they checked out No Thank You. Maddy Grace says thank you Scooter. I listen to the same episodes every single night. I’m non-binary so hearing my identity acknowledged is [01:10:00] wonderful. I really like the cooking and real-time episodes. They’re calming, like listening to a friend. Work is appreciated by me, an anxious non-binary college freshman. That makes it an honor for me to help. Then wait, oh no, sorry. My page scrolled on me.  It said Dano Banano; I just saw that one. But Simone and Paul from Canada say can’t live without it. So comforting; can’t go to bed without Sleep With Me podcast. Love every bit of it. Thanks, Simone and Paul. Thanks to everybody for reviewing the show over on Apple Podcast. You can review it I think in a couple other apps. I don’t always know where but it’s a huge help to just let other people know about your honest experience with the show. That’s how we grow in addition to in-person or online, wherever you encounter people. Sleep With Me exists as a free podcast ‘cause people help this show on Patreon and support the sponsors, so I appreciate that. Speaking of letting you know about podcasts, here’s one from Nightvale Presents I want you to know about, too.

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