798 – Pop and Mop Sock Takeover
The struggle for candy dominance is real…real dull and ready for you to sleep to.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and friends beyond the binary, and my Patreon peeps, hello Patreons, it's Scoots here. I'm here to, I don't know, keep you company, put you to sleep, barely entertain you, express some appreciation for the support. Here you go, let me tuck you in. How about that? There you go. You tucked all the other people in too. Thanks, Patreons.
Hey, are you up all night, tossing, turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. And we're doing a bedtime story. All you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play. I'm going to do the rest.
What I'm going to attempt to do is to create a safe place where you set aside whatever's keeping you awake, whether it's thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, changes in time or temperature. So, anything physically you're feeling or it might be where you say, “Well, I can't get comfortable, as comfortable as I'd like to get here.” Maybe you're on a couch or visiting someone or something. Or, you got something on your mind or you have some emotions that are coming up for you. Or it's just situational. Or it could be baffling, that's another one. Or it could be something else. Whatever it is. I'm going to try to keep you company. I've got a safe place set up here. I have it set up and set aside and set in … Sometimes they say it's set in stone and I do like how that has a nice … It's a little bit too … We've got to always be careful of what's that called [inaudible 00:02:06] here, but luckily I worked that out, production side. But you say set in softness versus …
Here's the thing. I don't know. Have I ever talked about fabric softeners here on the podcast before? I wish this was a lead-in to, what do you call it, whatever, an ad, where I'd say … what did I say? “Sleep With Me, not set in stone but set in softness, brought to you by Puffy Cloud, the fabric softener that leaves your clothes as puffy as a cloud.” All this is imaginary but also protected by Scooter's made-up rights.
Okay, sorry. If you're a new listener though, I always try to create a safe place that is, yeah, set in softness, probably got ran through the laundry and the dryer with a couple of sheets of Puffy Cloud. Also made with real clouds. I didn't mention that because we're still waiting for the ruling on that. And they said technically water is … I told the, whatever, the FBC or whatever, I said, “Technically water comes from clouds, Your Honor,” and they said, “What are you doing here?” I said, “Well, I'm here representing myself. People versus Puffy Cloud.” It was a dream. It was one of my many dreams.
Okay, but what was I talking about? Oh, so I'm going to create a safe place where you can set aside whatever is keeping you awake. I'm going to send my voice across the deep, dark night. I'm going to use a lulling, soothing, [inaudible 00:03:56] pointless meanders, superfluous tangents, which you just witnessed, other stuff [inaudible 00:04:04] I'm going to go off topic, basically to take your mind off stuff and keep you company as you drift off.
Now, if you're new, couple of things. Most likely the podcast is going to be different than what you expected because it's just a bit different than most things. So, if you can consume it the first time, just like if you're watching a puffy cloud go by, and you say, “Huh, what's that cloud doing? I don't know … ” I personally don't know my alto from my nimbus. It's been said about me. Even though I've done episodes about clouds, and again, and I say … That made me think of Nimbus 2000 now. But so didn't anybody ever say that to Harry? I guess that would be Ron. Like Hermoine would say, “Ron, you don't know your alto from your nimbus.” I don't know. I love Neville, by the way, not to go off topic, but that's what I do.
If you're new, kind of consume the podcast just like you would consume watching a cloud if you can the first few times. Just kind of see how it goes. Now, a couple things to know, the structure of the show, the show starts with a few minutes of business. That's how we keep the show free for everybody, which is great. Then, there's an intro which we're into here. The intro is kind of a show within a show and it's a wind down to kind of ease you into bed. It takes like 12 to 18 minutes or so, and it's where I kind of misexplain the pod … I try to make it friendly where I could try to welcome you if you're new, familiar, because it kinds of goes through the same structure but also new. I don't want you to feel blue. There is something borrowed. In this case, the concept of a fabric softening.
Here's something, does fabric ever talk back to fabric softeners and be like, “Yo I'm soft enough, man, get off my back.” I guess there's already the movies, the Toy Story movies, so I don't know if there's like a Z-level animation coming in and wants to partner with me. I mean I did actually try to write a story way before the podcast about socks. Do you think there's any pushback with personified laundry? Sorry about that, my clarification brain just popped in, or sentient laundry. I mean if there's sentient laundry, we're pretty much toast anyway. Fabric softener would be the least of our problems, but that would probably be at the top of their list. Maybe I could just represent the people. Maybe that's what that case was, the People versus Puffy Cloud Incorporated. I said, “Well I'm filing a suit against Kids Incorporated just because of that word.” They said, “Really,” I say, “No no I'm just kidding.” Who filed that suit anyway? Big laundry, and they say, “No no, actually representatives of the sentient council of laundry,” and they said, “Dear Scoot, we're soft enough.”
Also because of you and your fake fabric softener company, we're taking over earth. I said, “Okay.” Newton and I guess everybody, all the papers, said finally we find out where all those socks were. They're just waiting. Oh so those were the ones … This is like an episode ready to go. Maybe I will do this as an episode. I guess I know what our next episode is going to be about, those missing socks.
Oh so the intro, sorry new listener, I went off topic there. I indulged myself I guess. But so the intro is a show within a show that you can listen to as you wind down. Because for a lot of people it takes a little while to wind down. There might be other sleep solutions that work within five or less minutes, and you'll probably find those ones the same places you find sentient laundry, in those missing socks. But so this show takes a little while. I guess for me, I want to ease you into bedtime, for you to get comfortable and to realize I'm a bit of a nincompoop. We don't need to mince words. I'm a bit of a goofball. I'm just here to keep you company. I don't know, one, it takes me a while to get going. It took you forever to get nowhere, Scoots. I say, “Yeah put that on a shirt.” They say, “Put it on my name tag then.” I said, “Believe me, there's been other context where I've heard that before unfortunately.” Multiple ones, actually. Not just that one, school, right, that's what we're all thinking of. Of course I was. That's probably where I heard it actually.
The intro is just a long drawn out case of friendly banter. You say, “Doesn't that …” and I say, “Well yeah usually friendly banter is not long or drawn out, but when it's to put you to sleep it is or to get you comfortable,” so that's the intro. Then there's some business between the intro and the show that's again how we keep the show free for everybody. Then after that will be a bedtime story. I guess after that we'll try to figure out a sock thing and look into that. That'll be interesting. That's the structure of the show, some thank yous at the end.
If you're new, here's a couple other things. You don't need to listen to me. You probably came to that conclusion on your own, clearly, except for the people in big laundry. They're like Puffy Cloud … THey're googling that now. A teddy bear company is going to say, “Can we get that teddy bear to say set in softness not set in stone, Puffy Cloud,” or whatever that company is called. I say, “Well you could have just paid me. It's a lot cheaper.” They say, “Well I guess I wouldn't …”
Okay so then oh so there's a story. Structure, you don't need to listen to me. There's also no pressure to fall asleep. The reason the shows are about an hour is because I'm here to keep you company as you drift off at your leisure and just in case you can't fall asleep, I'm here until the very end. I'm here whether you fall asleep in the first five minutes or it takes you an hour or you just want some background noise, background company, and you want to play eight episodes in a row. There's a reason I want to help us, because I've been there, tossing and turning, waking up wondering why I'm … Especially, I don't want to … But like a couple times recently I've had like where like less than 30 minutes you wake up and you say, “What in the heck? I drifted off, I had everything set up,” and then you wake up and you say, “Boy it's got to be like 4:00 in the morning,” and I say, “It's 11:05? You've got to be kidding me.” That's just one example of why I want to be here to keep you company, to take your mind off of stuff, to be your bore friend, your bore bae, your bore cuz, your bore sib. If you allow me, will your bore companion or your bore bestie, we could be BBFFs or whatever. Number one BBBBBFF. BB88 which is an imaginary relative of BB8.
Anyway, that's about it. I'm glad you're here. The podcast does not work for everybody, but for most people it works for on a regular basis. They say, “Give it a few tries.” I mean if you're still listening or this is like your second or third try, check out sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou. Those are some other things I listen to and some other sleep podcasts or if you want to just say, “Scoots, I just don't like you,” you can do that through that page, believe it or not. I don't know, that's it. I'm really glad you're here. I really appreciate you checking the show out and I work very hard, I yearn and I strive because I want to help you fall asleep. Thanks again for coming by, and here's a couple of ways we keep the show going.
Hey everybody. We're returning to a tale we haven't been in a long time because it just … This is an experience I had and sometimes I forget about … I don't know. Sometimes stories slip my mind and need a little help recalling them. I'm going to be using the writer's emergency pack, the writer's ER pack, to help me recall things. John August of Script Notes created this to kind of help writers get unstuck. This tale, it came out years and years ago, and I'll try to link to it or release it on Patreon or something. I'll get you caught up. Don't worry about continuity at all. This was a set of tales from the show. It was actually just one story. I don't know. Original story was called A Pop, A Mop, And A Candy Show. You know, I think there's much continuity.
Once upon a time in the real world, Scoots was out on a country roads adventuring, and I had a hankering for a soda pop and some candy. He went into this shop and there was a man named Pop there and he was mopping and it was his shop and it was a candy shop. Quickly, I realized there was much more at hand and at stake than just a candy and mopping, though I'm pretty sure if there was any mop duties I was supposed to be doing, I didn't meet those duties. Pop is still probably waiting for me to mop. Also, I was a customer, so really like asking your customer to mop … No. I mean I'm sure you say, “Well I'm a Pop. I've lived 85, whatever, years. Mop my store.” Again, I just can't see how I would … I'd say, “Well sure Pop,” like if I was a local I'd probably say, or if you were my pop, or you were like my neighbor, I called you Pop … There was a Mr. Pop who was neighbors at my grandparents' a long time ago who was my distribution boss when I had a paper route. This is a different Pop, a totally different Pop. I'm just trying to clarify that in my mind.
I met Pop and his mop in a candy shop and quickly realized that there was so much more at stake. What was really happening and I was really exposed to and was … The great … I'm trying to think of the right word. There's two big … There's more than that, of course, because you say well there's the multinationals or something. This was a simpler time because there was … It wasn't simpler. It was actually more complex, more straightforward time, and you know just off the main … It's on the highways and the bi-ways, but where two companies were struggling for candy dominance and not just by means of the marketplace. This was a W to the A to the R. This was a great one. It wasn't written in any of the history books, and it was the loyalists and the paid … I don't know if there were industrialists behind it, but the Whitmin's versus Sezz.
You may have heard it as told spun only around … Only place these tales are told is around a campfire after dusk when people realize that now … You say, “Wait a second,” you say, “Well usually a person like me would introduce to say enjoying your s'more there, huh son?” I guess I'm playing the role of Pop now and I have the creaky [inaudible 00:17:45] to back it up. But it's a time there was no story. This was the front lines of the Whitmin's versus Samplers I guess to be the sole provider of again … I guess they were heading, maybe this was … Maybe they were disruptors. Again, I don't mean to … Because there's like the regular candy business, like Pop has. You go into a store, and you say, “Okay, well I'm going go to … I'm hankering,” like I said, or maybe you say, “Huh, caught my eye,” or you might be at a supermarket. You know they've got them at the checkout. That's one type of candy purchase.
But this one is the boxed candy market. Two companies dominated that I know of, especially in this part of the world, and one you go into their store and buy it and it's all done in a sanitary way, white tile and aprons and the whole nine yards, free sample. The other one is kind of sold at the pharmacies of the world, Whitmin's, and again I guess this was part of a simpler time when you would go to someone's home with flowers or a Sampler. Again, I don't know … Again, other than Valentine's Day or sometimes occasionally … Like I guess people used to give one another boxes of these chocolate samplers or candy samplers, and again you wonder, I guess I wonder, even … I mean I know … You even see the store, and you see there's a whole store for that, and I mean I gets to … One of them is more integrated with school fundraisers which is a smart move. The other one is more integrated with a store where you're like, “Oh I forgot, I'm going to go over to grandma's house, let me get a box of Whitmin's.”
Maybe I'm just like operating from my own window of ignorance, where I say, “When in my life have I bought a box of candy?” You say, “Well it's a simpler time back then Scoots. People express their feelings. I don't know. Again, maybe we could get it. This doesn't feel like a '99 PI episode. Maybe they already did it. Maybe I have googled that before. Maybe it's a like This is Love episode, the candy box sampler. You say, “Scoots, yeah you listened to that episode last week.” Oh I did.
But there was a time, and maybe some of you don't know. You've seen one of those two stores. You've seen it. If not, seek it out. Do yourself a favor. Give it a shot because usually there's different stuff inside of them. Now, they have truffles which are a different thing. I'm trying to figure out a way not to talk about too much food, so I apologize, but basically I guess what I was saying is trying to set up the world of those two companies. Maybe I guess it didn't happen that long ago where they said, “Okay the market is getting slimmer and slimmer for people buying boxed candy assortments.” You say … Even now I guess even for me part of my brain is saying, “What do you mean? You mean it has Mounds and Almond Joy in there?” No no, it's not like that. It's like a … It's fancy. It's supposed to feel fancier. Oh, like a macaroon? No. Like a truffle that you would get at a bespoke truffle shop. Kind of, but mass manufactured version of that. Okay, like an Almond Joy. No, it's like … Nevermind. Have you ever … You can't really bring it to a pot luck.
Here's the thing. Let's start that at all ages because we have a very diverse group of people that listen to this podcast and appreciate that very much. Let's try to unify that and let's take some character out of our diversity here. I'm just kidding, but in some sense it's funny. If a diverse enough group of us … Let's start going to potlucks with boxed candy, or parties for those of you that are really young. You don't even have to go to potlucks yet. That's how when you hit a certain age, I think it's maybe like 30, I don't know if it is. I mean I don't want to tell you the future, or be an age stricter, but at some point you start going to these potlucks instead of a party. It's the same thing usually but if you go to a party, I don't know. They don't call them … Show up with a box of candy. People would love that. Let's start doing that. We could call it like hashtag candy box. Candy box potluck or something. I mean seriously if it was a potluck, hardy har har, showing up with a box of candy, a candy sampler, is going to be giggle city.
Anyway, so once upon a time, there was two companies that controlled the box candy business. Let's just say at this particular time in history, whenever you went to someone's house or you came home and on occasion you wanted to say, “I love you,” without flowers or in addition to flowers, or you want to say, “Welcome to the neighborhood,” or, “Hey, haven't seen you in a couple weeks, and hey not only did I bring a Crock Pot full of beans, I also brought a box of candy to this potluck.” Once upon a time, that was a tradition probably created by the … I think I researched it. Bestowed upon us by the companies that happened to, the purveyors of the product, and you know while everything wasn't perfect, all was well. The market was robust, we'll say, and two of the great candy barons, the Sezz, that's S-E-Z-Z, and the Whitmin's with an E in there, M-I-N-S, they controlled the candy box market.
But then the market started shrinking. Again, you don't hear about these [inaudible 00:25:01] business things except and … This is where Hollywood has to bring these, glamorize this stuff, and bring it to light, or a sleep podcast in this case. But so those two companies declared W-A-R on one another, and I'm talking conventional. In Pop, for some reason, he was the keeper of the mop was like what kept the peace between the two candy companies. He was the keeper, or maybe I pretended I was the keeper of the candy mop, but as I remember it when I visited Pop's shop, that was just happened to be on the front lines of the two companies coming against each other. I guess they didn't the mop. There is some sort of other level to this story that I forgot. I was in it. I didn't have time to narrate it because I was living it, so now I'm trying to put it back together.
But the last thing I remember, was so … I had taken my shirt off and I was creating a big distraction which you know that's one of the things I'm really good at. I was holding the mop, and Pop was holding a mop, and then we had it underground. We tried to create a truce between the two great candy, the representatives of those two candy companies. But what we were unaware of was a much greater … Pop was, because Pop was the keeper of the candy mop, and all knowing, not all knowing and all seeing …
We went down these stairs, subterranean stairs, and this is where our tale starts tonight. I followed Pop down these stairs, and it led down. I heard some churning and I hear bubbling as we head down down down deeper into the earth. I thought to myself, “It's a great thing I don't have a shirt on because it's warmer here.” Pop said, “Put your shirt on. Put your shirt back on.” I said, “Okay, Pop, I'll put it back on.” We headed down these stairs carved into the earth, through the earth, and I started to smell chocolate of course. We're in a tale about it. I figured that this was some sort of lava-based, cocoa cauldron, but as I get deeper I started to hear chanting. At first, I thought it was chanting, but I heard the gurgling of chocolate. It was actually, Pop had stopped and explained it to me. He said, “It's actually geothermally warmed chocolate, not lava. [inaudible 00:28:00] technically probably lava below that.” He goes, “Here we are in these tunnels. Below the tunnels are a vast network of natural geothermal vents and tubes.” He goes, “Most are airtight.” He goes, “Some just feet below where we are,” so he goes, “This is a subterranean river of chocolate and it gets kept at a certain temperature because of the geothermal vents.”
I said, “Oh this is mother earth's chocolate,” and he said, “No no no.” Because chocolate doesn't … He goes, “Come on, this chocolate is made.” I said, “I know Pop, I just forgot because I was just so impressed with the …” Then I said, “Why is there chocolate down here below the earth? Other than it would be efficient. You could probably sell it for more. Cocoa made in a geothermal kettle.” He goes, “You'll have to work on your marketing,” but he goes, “You may be onto something.” He goes, “You could be a bespoke chocolatier,” and I said, “I could but I don't have the energy for it Pop. Better off coming up with taglines that never get used.” He said, “Quiet down. Remember the whole reason we're talking was because you thought you heard something other than chocolate churning and bubbling.” I said, “Yeah I thought I heard some chanting,” And he goes, “No it's a gentle humming.” I said, “It is like a singing humming. Like with some people are working but there are thousands of them.” He goes, “Yes.” But more musical, but not the kind of music you would want to have in a sleep podcast.
Pop goes, “Mm-hmm (affirmative), mm-hmm (affirmative), mm-hmm (affirmative).” I said, “Does that mean keep it quiet, Scoots?” And he goes, “Mm-hmm (affirmative)”. I said, “Okay Pop I will.” We started down. There's a tunnel we started to go right. These were well lit tunnels. Again, a regular person would have paid attention to like were they electric lights? Were they magic lights? Were they made from lightning bugs? But I wasn't really paying attention because of the humming and the giant river of churning chocolate which would have bubbles and splashes. Pop already told me like don't get near the chocolates. It's hot to the touch.
Then we reached so we bent right away from the river or the reservoir. Really Pop explained to me later again that this wasn't … That was like a kettle. He goes, “Not all kettles are round, especially if it's inside the earth.” He said, “Oh is that a river of chocolate?” He goes, “No it's a kettle.” It was not shaped like a kettle, but serving the purpose of a kettle. Maybe he said that the first time when he was explaining to me about the geothermal energy.
But so let's see here. Where were we? We're with Pop and mop. He was carrying the mop, much like a staff or a stave, and so we bent off to the right and we reached this great chamber where the humming was coming from. Pop said, “Here take the mop. It's your move from here. I need you to …” he goes, “Remember one time you were talking about candy disruptors?” He goes, “Those boneheads are up there arguing about the boxed candy business and they don't even realize what they've missed.” He goes, “The keeper of the candy mop has bigger things on their mind.” I said, “Like what?” And he goes, “Well a nap for me. It's been a pretty busy day.” He goes, “For you, don't you like to pretend the mop is your wig?” He goes, “Sneak in there and see what's going on?” I said, “Does this make me the keeper of the candy mop?” He goes, “Does that mean you're going to mop my store later?” I was like, “Wasn't your store lost in the candy war?” I said, “Okay Pop don't worry, I'm headed in there.”
Then I kind of said like P-A-R P-R-Y-A. Kind of like a prayer to morally safer because they said … This isn't like I'm … It is like I'm investigating. They didn't know who else to send because I was getting a little bit on edge and not fully confident in myself that I was ready to be the temporary keeper of the candy mop. I thought about my days with morally, old morally and boredly, where morally and I teamed up even though morally thought my name was Derrick and he never … Even though I told him it was Drew, he liked to call me Derrick. I said, “Morally, keep an eye on me because you know that I don't know what I'm doing.” I headed into this room, a giant, giant chamber, and I was up at … You know just like in all the great movies, you come through and you're on a platform looking down into a giant chamber. The floor of the chamber was filled with socks, individual socks. We talked about this during the intro, sentient, single socks. As I looked, my mind and my body could not process the size of the room for real because like I started to think that every sock on planet earth that had gone missing, that had never been found, had found their way to this chamber. It wasn't that large. I was being a little …
But I said, “What if there's chambers like this across the globe?” Because these socks were sentient and they were working on something. I guess only I projected instantly that it was a cynicism. You try to rephrase that for you. But I watched them and I couldn't tell because it was at a distance and the scale was mesmerizing to me. They all seemed to be working and humming while they worked. Plus, I guess the idea … This was like I guess … I don't know if this was magical realism, but it was kind of … Even though nothing surprises old Scoots, this wasn't a world where there was anything sentient. So to see what I thought was sentient socks, was quite a … I said, “What in the heck?”
Then I headed down. It took me a while to find like staircases because I just couldn't see what they were doing. They're working on stuff, but I couldn't see what they're working on. It was interesting watching socks work because they do … It's almost like there was a hand in each sock. They do have, what do they call that? Like a thumb, whatever the thumb is called, binaural thumb or whatever we call it. They were there to work. They were working at workbenches. So then I snuck down and it took me a while to get down there. I started to forget what I was doing because when you're walking with a mop, I started to think of like betrayals of Moses for some reason, I mean plus my shirt was like stretched because I think I had torn it off in a previous like something when I was involved in the great candy disputes.
So my shirt was loose and then I was walking with like a … This was like a heavy duty mop handle, not like a run of the mill one, like when you say … If you go to a real hardware store, and they say, “You want a mop handle or a heavy duty mop handle?” They're not trying to upsell you. The heavy duty one is going to be of a bigger gauge or whatever of diameter. A little bit denser wood, and a benefit of that is if you're holding upside down and walking with it, if you're wearing a mop on your head and then you're using it not like a walking staff, like what do you call it? A walking punctuator. When I would walk, I would clunk it. At first, I was trying to sneak but then I forgot. Then I was kind of talking to myself, like I guess I was reenacting. I never went to any plays involving, and I said … Oh no no then I said, “No, you're thinking of Noah, Scoots,” because actually I was pretending I was Moses, but I was acting like Noah. I was physically invoking Moses, but I was pretending to be Noah or Dr. Doolittle a little bit because I was saying, “Come on sheep.”
The next thing I know, I wander into … I totally got and drifted off. Maybe it was the chocolate. Maybe this was just how I compensate but the next thing you know I'm in this room talking to imaginary animals as Noah and dressed like Moses a little bit. I walk into this giant chamber workroom with all these sentient socks talking, and they all turn to me. I felt like I was being pretty funny. I was entertaining myself, so I was having this long thing about the rabbits. They're saying, “Remember, we only need two rabbits for right now. We can't have a whole bunch.” I was trying to teach the rabbits about self discipline and the rabbits were like, “You know what? This is just …” I said, “What are you two doing?” I said, “No I'm not. You can't do it. Cut it out.” Because I said, “We need carrots to last the whole voyage.” That's what I was really talking about.
I was joking about that and I was having a hardy har har and then I look up at all these socks are looking at me, some of which were sock puppets or sock puppet socks, which I guess are different than sock puppets, and I said, “Oh goodness,” and then I threw my hair back and my mop hair because the one thing I'm good at is staying in a character of an odd gentleman. I've got that character down. I said, “My my my,” I said, “Here we are.” I pretended to look at a fake watch and then I ran through my hand like it was a checklist, and I said, “Two socks we need, two different individual socks to take with us.” The socks, you know, they weren't ready for this. They weren't expecting, no one was verily been prepared for this kind of thing, like Scoots rolling in dressed like …
I said, “Okay.” I said, “Oh that's quite a few of you. Now we can only fit two of you on the arc. It's going to be a tough decision. I thought we were going to have a private meeting room.” I said, “Okay this is going to be a bit awkward.” I said, “The pink zebra stripe size nine European,” and it kind of echoed through the room and I heard a murmuring, murmuring, murmuring, and then a game of telephone. Did he say green, teal, cheetah? No, wintergreen. I said, “No no no, pink zebra stripe, size nine European.” It echoed again and eventually I heard someone say, “It's me, it's me, it's me.” They're jumping up and down. Then I said, “Oh boy.” I was acting. Believe me, this is exactly what I wanted because the room was huge.
I heard four or five or six and I said, “Okay. Work your way forward,” and then everybody crowded in. I said, “This one is interesting.” I don't read these before I get to the allotted spot. I don't know. Maybe these socks watched … I mean I guess they lived with humans for a good portion of their lives and I said, “Okay. This was in the 80s I think, maybe the 70s. Calf high gym sock, three stripes, blue, green, blue. US is size 10 to 12.” Believe me, there was some … I said, “Oh no I'm sorry. That was okay.” There was like about 45 of those.
I said, “You know what?” Even though it was imaginary, I crumbled up an imaginary piece of paper. I threw it to the side. I said, “Everybody gather around, gather around,” and I said … First I thought, man I've never … I got to work exclusively with single socks from now on. I said, “Gather around. We'll take it from the top.” I said, “What are y'all doing down here anyway? You haven't heard what's going up on the surface?” They said with the rest … They weren't big fans of humans, especially the great … They said, “You know all these humans say they like this one candy or this other candy company, and they never …” I said, “Oh man, so you don't know.” I said, “What are you down here cooking up?” They said, “Was that a giant chocolate cauldron I passed on the way here? Who invented that?”
Then this green wool sock stood up and said, “A lot of us did. We brainstormed it.” I said, “Wow, terrific work. Was that a thermodynamically …” They said, “No geothermal.” I said, I go, “Wow. Even better.” They said, “What's going on on the surface?” I said, “Well, you know, stuff. So you've been down here cooking up chocolate to what?” They said, “Well it's interesting you're here. That's why we're so confused because we were going to give you the surface world … We were going to fill it up.” I said, “Hmm really? So you're going to fill the whole surface world?” Just like we were expecting the rain, my original version and the arc, you were going to F-L-double O-D it with chocolate, huh?
They said, “Yeah.” I said, “Quite a plan you got.” The whole everything, and they said, “Yeah around the world we've been working,” and I said, “Where does a sock get an idea like that?” I said, “Because I know this famous book the kids have been reading lately to their socks, since the great sock compromise of 20 20 20 odd recently. The sock that felt like it got inadvertently lost and didn't know everybody cared.” They said, “What?” I said, “Yeah gather around.” It was a tale of why we passed all the international … You know the governments are gone now, right? They didn't tell all of you down here, huh? Well because we realized that there could come a point where socks finally gained sentience and we realized we had … Oh the story, though.
We brought things to prominence, particularly socks. This story was a story of this tough sock, Arnold the sock, who was best friends with Arnie the sock. They were a pair. They lived with this kid, Zeke. Zeke took good care of the socks. One day, Arnold … It was just mysterious. Arnold found Arnold's self somewhere else. Didn't know where Arnold was. Arnold got really … Like first Arnold was like, “Where am I?” It was the natural stages of sock … When socks lose their partners. I don't know. Do they teach that down here? You know, it's [inaudible 00:47:24] natural all the feelings you go through. The socks said, “What?” I said, “Well, you know, feeling tough? Feeling fed up? Anybody down here fed up?” I say, “What is some of the stuff you're fed up about?” Then I said, “Any of you not believe it?” You say, “Oh don't worry, I'm an important part of that kid's life. That kid is going to find …” They said, “Oh yeah yeah.” They said, “Yeah it's like frowny. Any of you socks felt frowny? That's a natural stage of that. Holy cow. Sleeping, that's one, and then getting back.” There's two kinds of getting back too, but I guess if you're down here, you're trying to get back to invest your energy in something to get back as opposed to getting back like because you say, “Well I don't know.”
Some of you may have you address printed on you, but not all of you. Oh you're just learning to read now? Well that makes sense. Quickly, I realized that there's probably like I said, “Where's the socks get their ideas to take over, to take all the C-A-N, to do that?” I said, “Is that going to fix anything?” They said, “It'll fix them good.” I said, “Well, it could be interesting because I don't know if it will exactly go how you go. What if people are happy out?” I said, “What will it do for the sock accords?” I said, “You know what?” I had to change tactics. I said, “You know what? I'm not really Noah Moses. I'm not really here taking things by pairs to get back on the arc or whatever. There's not really a sock accord or a famous book about Arnold the sock or whatever. I think there's a show with Arnold, but I can't remember what it's called, like Arnold goes to school or something. I have to come and apologize. I've lost plenty of socks I haven't found, and I owe all of those socks an apology.”
Then eventually like a sock, whatever. I had a … I don't want to get into everything, but I had reunited with one of my socks from my childhood and then we talked forever. I said basically … Because what I had hoped would happen was that whoever was managing these socks would come to light. Then I started to think from the socks' point of view, then I said, “Wait a second, maybe there isn't some …” Because at first I thought there's probably some genius with a E to the V to the I to the L behind all of this. But as I sat down with the socks, and over a time period, and they did want me to keep dressing as Noah. They were really into … I think they were … That was one of the books they had started to learn was the Old Testament.
I started to kind of start to see things and maybe this was because I had spent so much time down there from the socks' side of the thing. Then I thought about like where Pop had been, but then I said, “Wait a second, maybe these socks are onto something. What if they only kind of kind of semi flood things with chocolate?” I said, “What if you focus like instead of just floating a whole world with chocolate, we do targeted chocolate flooding, TGF.” They said, “What are you talking about?” They said, “That would totally …” I said, “The only problem is that I don't associate chocolate and socks ever in the history of humanity with … I don't see how even my idea is going to help you get what you really want because I'm not even …” I said, “To be honest, I'm not sure I know what you want or that you're just worried. You've been so caught up in the idea of flooding the world with your product that you've been cooking down here.” I said, “Where'd you get all of it?” They said, “We took it.” I said, “Oh okay.”
I said, “Wait a second, where did you take all of the raw materials from?” They started to show me on these maps and what I realized was I started to trace things back that they're drilling up. They had really like some high tech equipment, but they were taking from both the Whitmin's and the Sezz company. That triggered them thinking … They kind of caused a misdirection where it started a great candy conflict. I said, “Well, you know, here's the thing.” I said, “You know I made up a lot of stuff, telling you all tales because I thought whoever was your leader, but I realized you're just a collective of single lost socks.” They go, “No no, there's socks that have found their lost partners. They have their own kind of couples area.” I said, “Well I don't ever want to see that or think about it. Thank you.”
But I said, “What if we just … How would you feel about … Do you ever like to see happy kids?” They said, “Kind of.” I said, “First of all, have any of you gotten soaked in chocolate before?” They all looked at me and I said, “Chocolate socks.” The thing is, because the cauldron, it's at cleansing temperature, plus you've been down here for who knows how long. I said, “What if I got an idea.” They said, “what is it?” Then I murmured to them the idea. Believe me, the keeper of the candy mop has a certain amount of power, like magical powers.
So eventually I returned to the surface with my plan in place. Now, while I was gone down there, which was like three or four weeks, I came up through the subterranean basement so Pop's shop, which hadn't been mopped, so he was basically like … But he goes, “The candy barons are out of control. Where have you been?” I said, “If I told you, you wouldn't believe me.” I said, “Don't worry Pop. I've got it all figured out.” He goes, “Are you like a combination of Noah and Moses?” I said, “I am.” He said, “Great.” I said, “I've got to go.” He goes, “Well they're negotiating right now.” He goes, “They're trying to split up the continents and it's not going to work out though.” He goes, “They both are like pretending to negotiate.” I said, “Those candy …” I said “Don't worry Pop. Where is it?”
So I headed to the town square where the fake candy accords were going on. This was like a beautiful town square with most importantly what is in beautiful town squares, piazza, what you could call it, and because of the … I think also my outfit looked more real because of the power of the candy mop or the mop, but I headed to this town square and I got in the middle. I stood on the edge of the foundation. I said, “I call this accord to order.” Everyone of course was confused. I said, “It is time for this conflict to end.” They said, “That's what we're working on.” I said, “Honestly?” They said, “Honestly, sure.” Then I tapped each representative. These were like city states at this point, or city state nations. Then they both told the truth because they were touched by the candy mop. They had to tell the truth. Meanwhile, this was getting broadcast around the world.
I said, “All of your forces are out, ready to go over candy.” I said, “I thought this was the kind of place where you went to where if you had a Pop and a mop and a shop,” and they said, “That's not how our markets work.” I said, “Your markets don't work anymore.” I took off my socks and I said, “This day forward,” And then I made this long speech. Holy cow. Not appropriate for a sleep podcast, but basically telling the tale of my lost socks and all of that. The whole story I told them and then I said, “Today forward, a chocolate sock will be a symbol of true peace.” Then the fountains of the world erupted, but also of the W-A-P-O-N-S is … All these chocolate socks, basically we took everything, we covered it in chocolate, and then it became a symbol of hope. That was my speech. Of a future where things are enjoyed and lost things are found. The chocolate sock, it became a big tradition. It became this big giving tradition, which again became commercialized. That was too bad, but that's basically the story of a Pop, the latest version of a Pop, a mop, and a candy shop. All worked out in the end. Thanks.