781 – Big Farm in the Sky P.I. Season Finale S2 E12
A sleepy homecoming for Gee, DK and Simon.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and friends beyond the binary. It's time for the podcaster who is trying to think of something to say, and then I realized, ‘Hey, you're my patrons. You're supporting the show. You're already here for me, and I'm here for you.' What a great way to do it. Thanks, patrons.
Hey. Are you up all night, tossing, turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. All you need to do is get in bed, and turn out the lights, and press play, I'm going to do the rest. What I'm going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever's keeping you awake, whether it's the thoughts, the feelings, physical sensations, changes in time or temperature or routine. No, whatever's keeping you awake, I'd like to take your mind off of that. That's what I mean. I got this safe place here for you.
Or, at night, you know, might not be something. You say, ‘this happens to me a lot'. I say, “Gee. I don't know what's up. I just can't …” You know, you get a bit baffled, or, at least, I do. But, whatever the situation is, I'm here. I'm going to send my voice across the deep, dark night. I'm going to use lulling, soothing, creaky dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents. I'm going to go off, believe me, I'm going to go off topic. And, so, did I say rusty meanders?
That was one of my main … I don't know why I associate the word rusty meanders with overalls. Maybe we could come back to that, because I used to say Oshkoshbagosh a lot on this podcast. So, maybe we could figure out a way to go back to that and say, ‘return to our…Scoots is returning, he's got his podcast returning to its roots. He's right there, right around 800 episodes or so, and he said he's bringing his podcast back to its roots', and they say, ‘okay, so what? They can't fall asleep?'. No. Like, maybe grounded in care and empathy. Well, no, but kind of, that's part of the podcast still. No, he's going to be saying Oshkoshbagosh more and holy mackerel and a couple other ones. You know, it's not his catchphrase, this is the catchphrases he re-meanders.
Okay, but if you're new, let me take a second. Hey, glad you're here, and I'm going, like, I really am glad you're here, and I will tell you, let's see how this goes, okay? Because this podcast doesn't work for everybody, and I hope it can help you. So, this is why I want to take a second to take time out here. If you're a regular listener, hey, welcome back. But this podcast, most regular listeners listen to it two or three times before they became a regular listener, which, I guess, is a paradox in itself, because they say, well, okay, this podcast is a little bit different, first time I was trying to make sense of it, the second time I was a bit baffled, and the third time, it was, ‘oh okay, I don't get it, so I do get it.'
So, if you're new, all's I ask is that you see how it goes, but there's no pressure on my end other than that. I mean, I'm going to help you, I'm going to keep you company as you fall asleep, but let's just see how it goes. A couple of other things I want you to know, structurally, the show starts off with business, which you heard, it's more important for the regular listeners and, like super users that listen to a bunch of episodes, because that's what keeps the podcast free for everybody. Then there's an intro, and then there's some business, then there will be the story, which tonight will be our episodically modular series, “Big Farm in the Sky, P.I”, then there's some thank yous at the end of the show. So, that's just the structure to expect.
Let me talk a little bit about the intro, though, because sometimes people say, ‘when's the bedtime story start?' And, I could tell you, if you're looking for that, it starts around 18 to 20 minutes, or so, into the show, because we have an intro that's right around 14 to 12 to 16 to 18 minutes where I try to, kind of, explain what the podcast is. But, more, I don't know, establish a baseline of nonsense and senselessness and friendly nonsense and, I don't know, try to explain what the podcast is and I realize I find the podcast baffling. Also, I overuse words that I like. And, the main thing, the way the intro kind of developed, was a sensible thing, like, for most people, they fall asleep, they want a, you need a wind down routine, right? You got to ease yourself into bedtime.
I know it's been a while since I've said Oshkoshbagosh or, you know, pontificated on shoehorns, it has been a while. Also, it's been a while, it's been, this existence, this stage of my existence, I've never owned a shoehorn. I've used some, I've held some, I don't really need a shoehorn, because it'd just be one more thing, but you don't really, I guess my thing is you can't shoehorn. Here's a generational thing, maybe, I was, like, the post, my father had a shoehorn, my mother, what if I was, the shoehorn story.
The shoehorn or leghorn, that was the last time, like, hundreds of episodes ago. You say, Scoots, that was last week, when you're talking about shoehorn leghorn. Yeah, that was a shoehorn, that's the children's book I'll write one day. My father was a shoehorn, my mother was a leghorn, and maybe shoehorn foghorn. I like that better. Because there was something, Foghorn Leghorn, wasn't that the name of the giant chicken in the Bugs Bunny cartoons? I guess it doesn't make sense, you say, oh no, that's a first name. Shoehorn leghorn, though, would be, a shoehorn foghorn, Shoehorn B. Foghorn, a shoehorn that was a foghorn, maybe I, okay, so this is one of the meanders that goes on in the intro, where I try to explain what the show is. And, Shoehorn B. Foghorn, I can't get enough of that.
Also, you know, your mouth when you say, go ahead and say it with me, Shoehorn B. Foghorn. Shoehorn B. Leghorn. Isn't it almost found like, when you say the word shoe, like you're chewing, or choo choo choo, I guess because shoe and choo do rhyme, I didn't realize that. I'm not kidding. This is where it's unintentionally funny. Until I said it, I didn't realize that shoe and choo rhymed. Another part of my brain that isn't going to my rhyming brain said, ‘huh, it feels the same in my mouth, the shoe and choo, I wonder why.'
You know, that's why I'm cut out to make this podcast, so, the intro just let's people ease into bedtime and then some people fall asleep during the intro, some people fall asleep after the intro, some people fall asleep, like, some people skip the intro, some people listen to the whole show, so, whatever works for you, you'll find out. And, there's all people that use this show in different ways all the time. Some people don't fall asleep during the show, they fall back asleep. They don't start listening until they wake up, so you should just see how it goes, I guess that's my main thing. Oh, but the intro, I guess my main thing is to ease your intro, some people expect the intro to be concise or make sense, and I just wanted to, I guess it's a little late for that.
I kind of did an example, that's also how the intro works, unintentionally I'm showing off my style, my Foghorn B. Shoehorn style. So, okay, so that's the intro and tonight will be a story, then, the story which is an episodically modular series you can listen to in any order. This just happens to be the season closing episode before we do a season recap episode. But, like I said, you can listen to it in any order, there's a big catch up at the start, so, we'll get you caught up. So, that's the structure, so, no pressure to listen.
This is the one podcast, like I said, where you discover how it works best for you, or, you know, the great thing about all the people that help keep the show free by doing things, going out of their way to do that, they said that there's all these different style of episodes, some people say, ‘well, that's a, the style I prefer, so I just listen to those ones', some people listen to every episode, some people pick and choose and create a playlist in there, have some stuff. So, just see how it goes, no pressure listen. Here's the other thing, there's no pressure to fall asleep, I'm going to be here for an hour to keep you company. And, if you need it, you can run 8, 10, 12 episodes in a row.
So, you know, I'm here to help ease you off into bedtime, so there's no pressure listen, no pressure to fall asleep. I mean, I do believe, the reason I make the show is because I believe you do deserve a good night's sleep and I know it's not easy, and I'd like to be here and just keep you company as I can, you see, well, I make this show just as much for people that can't sleep as for people who fall asleep in four, the first four or five minutes. So, yeah, so that's the structure of the show, that's the things to know, I did say I was going to talk about Oshkoshbagosh, but then, by Oshkosh and Bagosh, I got a little distracted by old Shoehorn Leghorn Foghorn III, or something and went off topic.
So, maybe, we'll go back to Osh, that was just, I don't know, it's a nice word, I know it's probably, I guess, did I research this in the early days? Was Oshkoshbagosh a thing before it was a brand, or has it always just been a brand? I don't know if I've ever owned, do they make adult clothes? I'm going to have to look that up later. I think, oh, because I was thinking of meanders and, then, I was thinking of when I say rusty meanders, I think of overalls. And, then, when I think of overalls, I immediately think of Oshkoshbagosh.
I think they only make kids overalls, maybe just in the 80s, and I didn't own any. I think, so I had six kids in my family, I think there was one pair of green Oshkosh jeans or something, like, they were second hand from one of my cousins at home. But I was already over, outgrown them. They arrived at my home, because I have so many cousins that it was, like, what do you call that, second hand? What do you call when you…? So, there was a lot of clothing exchange, it was just great, being a part of the big family is, you say, ‘man', who, like, maybe, I don't know, maybe I get some Oshkoshbagosh.
I'm not an overalls person, just because, I just say, ‘I need the less cool, you know, if they have a denim shirt, it's fine, but I don't need any denim above the waist, majority of the time', but I could be wrong, you could say, ‘Scoots you could wear, you could do where you put that piece of wheat in your mouth, the full Huck Finn or Tom Sawyer, whatever'. Then you say, ‘okay, then I fold up in my bare feet, right? No shirt, bare feet, just my Oshkoshbagoshes' and I'd say, ‘hmm, a couple of things, you know, I do a lot of running, so I know my upper body, there's certain parts that gets chafed, so that's with cotton and other materials, so, denim, I'd worry about that'.
And, two, I just don't know, I mean, I can see that there'd be air flow. The cool thing would be to have somewhere to put my hands, you know, holding my lapels or whatever you call those things, and I stir up. What do they call those, straps? I don't know, so, anyway, I think you have a good idea if you're new of me going off topic a few times, ideally, and I don't want to be overconfident, but I see, well, if the podcast is going to work for you, maybe you forgot about it, take your mind off stuff. That's a goal here, and I'm really glad you came by. I'm really glad you came back, those of you, thank so much, it's great to see you, great to be here in your ears. I really appreciate your time.
So, see how it goes if you're new, give it a few tries if you wish. I'm glad you're here, I really work hard, I yearn and I strive to help you fall asleep and here's a couple of the ways, really, if you're here listening, you can find all this at Sleepwithmepodcast.com/sponsors tomorrow. But these partners coming up here, these are who keep the show free and help us keep the show going.
Hey everybody, welcome to another episode of our episodically modular serials, I guess, somewhat serialized series, because this is the last episode, except for the recap episode, of our episodically modular series, Big Farm in the Sky, P.I, season 2, what was once called the Phantom Minnow Season, maybe they, like, so, if you're new, where you've never heard one of these episodes before, you might say, ‘hold on, Scoots, they didn't hear the first episode', or, ‘hold on, Scoots, I listened to episode three and this is episode 12', so, let me put you at ease, because that's what my job really is here.
So, you can listen to these in any order, that's what episodically modular means, I don't know, I just like the way modular sounds. You say, ‘well, you can module…', you know what I mean, but I'm also going to catch you up on everything here, so Big Farm in the Sky, P.I, season 2, is season 2 of season 1, which is called Big Farm in the Sky, P.I, is the tale of Simon, Uncle Simon GNDK.
Uncle Simon was an earthly resident, just like all of us, who passed on to live life in the Big Farm in the Sky, like a second stage of existence. I guess, second stage is a little presumptuous, another stage of existence. And, in that stage of existence, it wasn't like anything I'm familiar with from my things I've been exposed to, because it wasn't all good, it wasn't all bad, and it wasn't all neutral. The Big Farm in the Sky is just a different stage of existence, and in this place you can get a new start, and it's a new start for Uncle Simon, he decided he would be a P.I, a private investigator, you know, helping solve mysteries.
And, also, one thing to know about Simon is Simon had and I say HKD, because, currently, we'll catch you up, the ability to visit Earth, particularly to communicate with his niece and her best friend, and that's GNDK, and keep in touch with them. So that was a, not everybody, very, very minuscule amount of people that travel to the Big Farm can come back to Earth and visit or even communicate with Earth. So, that was season 1 was Simon was up in the Big Farm in the Sky, solving cases, and he could check in with GNDK and they would help him. So, that was pretty much season 1, season 2 takes place, mostly, in Florida on Earth as we know it in the great retirement community known as The Townes, that T-o-w-n-e-s, one of the largest communities where DK's Aunt Penny lives.
And GNDK, they're in middle school, they took some time off of middle school to do an independent study program running a business in The Townes, very similar to our Uncle Simon, solving mysteries, kind of, and cleaning out garages. And they were doing that as part of the lake, for a semester. I don't know, they talked their school into it and their school agreed. And, so, season 2 has been Simon helping GNDK solve cases here on Earth. But, because this is the last episode, a couple of things happened, GNDK stopped solving cases in the last episode, as the semester was coming to a close, and you can listen to that episode, and that's super important, that's a detail, really, you need to know, you know, because they got to go back home, at some point.
But, at the same time, Simon had lost his ability to keep in touch with them and return to Earth. So, Simon is now just in the big farm in this last episode. Just a minor detail, but, again, you don't need to know, how did it happen? Kind of a series, a mean, a lot of stuff in the Big Farm, you know, I'm still Earthbound, I'm an Earthbound human, that's what they call us, I think, out there. It's interesting, though, because that's what people call, from outer space, call us, too, because we're Earthbound. So, I don't understand all the mysteries that encompass The Big Farm in the Sky, you know, because the whole idea was a mystery, like I said.
Like, ‘Scoots, is the Big Farm in the Sky purgatory, limbo, you know, the good place or the hot double hockey stick place?' And it's, as far as I can tell, it's none of those, and you say, ‘is it reincarnation?' No, no, because Simon still has full consciousness, my ego must be in charge of that story, because you say, ‘what belief system can I retain my consciousness? Because that's what I'll go for'. So, it's none of those, it's just another stage of existence, I think I was trying to answer another question, I forgot what it was. So, I think that's it, so Simon's up there. Simon, of course, misses GNDK, GNDK miss Simon and let's get to the story.
Also, we have a celebrity set up person that just drove straight from Los Angeles even though I told him you could sit at a Motel 6 in Lost Hills, that's my favorite Motel 6, shout out, at least from me, that's, really, my opinion, though. And I told him I'd pay, I'd give him a $25 credit towards a room, which is around $50, or so, but he said he preferred to drive straight here. Mr. Antonio Banderas, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, friends beyond the binary.
It's time to correct this case, it's time for Big Farm in the Sky P.I, yeah.
Thanks Antonio, so how was the drive up?
I think it would be impolite for me to say it was exhausting.
Oh, well, why don't you, here, why don't you lie right on my bed? You know, I have that new hybrid mattress from Casper, not to put a sponsor plug in, but I love it. Why don't you lie there and just listen to the podcast and take a nap? Because you, we've trained you to sleep so quietly while I record, then, maybe, we could play some Munchkin, or I'd just let you sleep. Maybe I could drive you back to Los Angeles as a thank you.
My friend, I was taking the weekend to hang with you. We're going to, I thought we were going to do some things.
Oh, yeah, I forgot we're hanging this weekend. But yeah, take a nap in my bed, and listen to the podcast just like a listener.
Oh, my friends, my friends, it's good I'm talking to listeners now. I get to be just like you, or those of you that go to the live show, mixed with those who like to listen to the podcast. Good night.
Goodnight, there's Antonio Banderas, everybody. But it helped my pacing and quietness to know he's right in the other, oh, he's lying down. I can't raise my voice, but I would've told him shoes off. Now, he's kicking his shoes off and, you get fully clothed in my bed, you know, he's fully clothed on top of the comforters, he knows the rules. So, thanks everybody, time for Big Farm in the Sky, P.I.
Hey Diana, it's me, Simon here, just checking in to update you and some stuff, Diana. I'm in the middle of an adventure and I wanted to take a moment and stop and process things by talking to you, and also so you're updated, and everything. So, thank you, Diane. I've been trying to get back to Earth and GNDK because it's an ongoing issue, me getting back there. And, also, just trying to figure out, because, as I've said, Diane, time passes differently here in the Big Farm, and I know not everybody knows that, even you, even as wise as you are, Diane.
You're, well, so I said to myself, Simon, you've kind of got to crack your own case, even though you don't know what it is. After I've cracked the case and getting back to Earth and GNDK, or, maybe come to some acceptance and won't be able to go back there. You know, because part of me, Diane, says who are you to be able to go into a new stage of existence and then go back to Earth? You're having your cake and then you're visiting it, you know, you're going to the ice cream shop and eating, you know, that might not be fair, not everybody else gets to do that, Simon.
Maybe you've had some time with GNDK, so I'm not ready to accept that, Diane. So I said, well, if I start investigating things, maybe I'll just be distracted, and maybe I'll figure things out. Maybe I'll come to some acceptance. Maybe, just like, you know, there is a healthy M-O-U-R-I-N-G going, maybe that's part of it, even if it's just my connection with Earth, maybe they say, ‘well, we got to ease this guy in, Simon's, we can't give him the full Big Farm, so we keep him in touch with Earth for a while'. It could be their strategy, Diane.
Whatever strategy, my strategy was to look into things, because they said, again, it's just stuff with the silent founder in the karmic points and the whole heavenly solutions, business is still kind of vague to me. All of that cropped up at the same time, so I headed to the H.Q, the big campus built around my home, and I thought I would look for solutions there, heavenly solutions, business that we repurpose and reinvented. Even though there was the Founder there, and, who hired me and put me to work on investigating karmic points. And he said, ‘okay, let's start here'. So, then, I tried to work, I said where in the giant tech campus would I get started, if I was, like, I said, okay, there's an office, I look through the office, maybe there's secret panels or something and there wasn't anything like that.
But I felt like, you know, sometimes, Diane, and, you know, this is, maybe, sometimes, developed over time being in the Big Farm in the Sky, P.I, and wanting to become the Phantom Minnow, and them becoming the Big Farm in the Sky, P.I in Florida, the assistance to the real big farm, the real P.I's GNDK, what was I going to say? So, then, I learned a new skill: trust your gut. And my gut said that this headquarters was the right place, so I said, well, I don't know what I'm doing, I said, okay, if your gut says be here, let's be here, Simon, come on, let's start walking around.
And, you know, just like taking a shower, going for a walk, here's a chance for me to just, because it's just a giant oval, so I could walk and it's multiple floors, and you could go in two directions, so I could, pretty much walk for infinity or whatever, eternity, and, not that it was my plan, but, so I start walking through campus and it was a little bit busier because of, we reinvented that business, GNDK and I. So, it was like walking and then activities, people saying, ‘hey, we're about to have a shuffleboard tournament, Simon, why don't you join us?' And I would have to debate, sometimes, depending, I said shuffleboard, okay, because that's also a good thing, but other things, I'd say, well, I'm kind of trying to go walking and thinking, or trying not to think and then thinking and then walking.
And they said, ‘can we help?' And I said, well, maybe, I'm trying to get back to Earth, and they said, ‘isn't everybody? Because, you know, it's a pretty common thing up here.' Or, ‘aren't we all?', and, Diane, that made me appreciate it more, and he said, ‘well, everybody here would like to go back and see their G, you know, their version of GNDK, or go to their favorite spot, or those kind of things'. I don't know, I thought I was looking for something specific, and they said, ‘well, let's go low', and then I started going on the lower levels in walking around, and I said, don't worry, Simon, stick with it.
And, then, a few times, this is where things start to happen, Diane, and it's weird that it's in a giant oval, but I started to hear this, like, a whirring noise, not a piercing whirring, like W-U-R-R-I-N-G, maybe, Diane? Instead of W-O-R, you know, I was trying not to W-O-R-R-Y-I-N-G. So, I heard it and I said, well, is it the air conditioning? I said, oh no, Simon, we don't have, there is one thing, climate controlled up here, most of the time. So, I said, no, and I said, who's hearing this whirring? So, I kept paying attention to it, and then I started trying to find it. I was looking in the wrong place, Diane, because, finally, I stopped and, out of the corner of my eye.
Now, Diane, I don't know if you've seen the movies Star Wars, I think this was, probably, in the first Star Wars or the second one, and it might have been in the Rogue One, but there is like these little droids, they're a little bit like remote controlled cars, they have four wheels and they're a little bit taller than a human ankle and they ride around like a remote controlled car, now a lot of them make, in the movie, they made these pleasant noises and, I'm not sure, I never dug into it, whether it was, like, hey, this is message delivery or parts delivery, or what they were really doing. But the Star Wars is a big thing, even up here in the Big Farm in the Sky, people bring the fandom with them.
And there's been a lot of interesting experiments and things tested, you know, people are fans of stuff, and in the Big Farm, you reinvent, you say, well, let's try to make a TARDIS, you know, that's the kind of stuff that goes on here, especially in heavenly solutions, since GNDK and I kind of took over. So, while I was surprised to see this droid, I wasn't surprised. But what I was surprised about, but I guess, I wasn't surprised either because this is a gimmick from the movie, is, as soon as I noticed it, it noticed me noticing it and it paused. And, then, it did, not a reverse, but where it rolled towards me backwards at a 45 degree angle and, then, changed the direction. But it did it in a jerky way which paused liked it was processing and buffering.
And it was doing, whoever made it, which I would think it was making that, like, almost like it's singing to itself, Diane, in a pleasant way. And I said, Simon, why not follow this droid because we're still walking around and it tried to go make a right hand turn, essentially, in an ovular building, so that's interesting. But, you know, there's a hallway, so are right angles within the, just because a building's oval shaped, it doesn't mean it can't have right angles, it just means whoever designed it, you know. So, it went into a right angle, and it went into another hallway, and then I was just following it along. And, I think it knew I was following it, but I was walking at a different pace.
And, eventually, it revealed something to me, Diane, it went down this ramp that was behind some stuff, and then, the next thing you know, it went into this vast cave with rocks and the whole nine yards, and, when I went in the cave, it was big, like a tunnel, more of a tunnel than a cave, you're right, Diane. I paused, because I said, wait a second, what would GNDK, they said, let's go back to the process, Simon, and, as I paused, I said, okay, who would try to go through? And I said, where are we going? And then I noticed the droid just at the edge of my eyesight as the cave, kind of, bent down and to the left of the tunnel.
The droid was waiting for me, and I said, okay, what are our options here, Simon? In this case, what would GNDK say our options? One, wait, which we're doing now, or pause. We could follow the droid. We could go back the way we came. We could check the walls of the tunnel, which I did, and I said, well, we can't go through the walls. Any other places we could go? No, so we could go forward, backward, or nowhere. And I said, okay, let's wait a little while, and the droid waited. A couple times when it noticed me looking at it, rocked back and forth on his wheels, and I said, okay, what else is, they said, I don't know. And I said, okay, I guess, let's move forward, let's keep, I said, are you waiting for me?
And, then it started moving forward and I said, okay, it wants me to follow it or its leading me, or something, so I was leading it, it was leading me, Diane, and I was following it. And, the next thing you know, of course, the cave, or the tunnel opens up into a whole ‘nother, well, we don't know that it's a whole ‘nother world, because I was thinking about this, well, it's probably not a whole ‘nother world, it just exited somewhere I was unaware of, assuming where the Big Farm in the Sky is like its own, let's just pretend it's a planet at this point, Diane, even though I'm not saying it's a planet.
I'm just saying, for this analogy, we exited, because it was a different environment, there was purple trees, and pink grass, and sandy hills, kind of like you'd see, but there was multi, like sand sculpture-type, clearly sandy hills, like sand. And there's a path kind of going through it and the droid's kind of going through the path, and I said, okay, we're in a different place, you know, still following the droid, not sure where I'm going. And, then, eventually, we started, like I said, I said, okay, let's just keep following the droid, but, I was just also taking in the environment.
And then we passed this pond. A bit like a koi pond, but it was kind of a neon green color, but not in a way that I said, oh boy, I said, hmm, interesting. And I paused to look in it and I noticed, now, I don't know if this was my imagination or not, Diane, but I could see GNDK, like, in a circle, packing up their stuff, clearly Aunt Penny's house. And, of course, I didn't realize what it was, I just started talking to them and they paused and looked around, but they were looking at me, but didn't acknowledge like they could see me, but, maybe, they could hear my voice, but then I noticed the circle was slowly shrinking. And, eventually, it closed up, and I said, hmm.
And then, we walked, I followed the droid for a while longer, and it happened again. And this time, GNDK were eating at the Crock's Restaurant with Aunt Penny, probably their good bye meal, and it was constantly, and I said, like it was shrinking, and I said, wait a second, it's shrinking at the same pace, so I asked why it was shrinking and, then, I thought to myself, okay, like I thought, I tried to think like GNDK, and I said, hmm, what's causing the shrinking? Is it time? Is it something? And, then, the next time I got to water, I watched out of the corner of my eye, the droid, and as the droid was going away, Diane, also, the thing was shrinking, the portal, or the view of them. So, the further away the droid got, GNDK got smaller.
And I said, okay, these two things might have been in correlation, or might not have been, but I said, this droid is involved in some way, or something. And I said, what should we do now? And then I tried to catch up to the droid fully, and the droid maintained his speed, not, I said, okay, I'm not going to catch up with the droid. It just was very efficient, we could just go, always at the same speed as me to maintain the distance, so then I kept having to pause to catch my breath and do the same experiment in other water points, and we're going through a set of dunes. It was just different nice environments, it was very nice, very nice to walk.
But I said to myself, okay, Simon, when you stop, the droid stops, so what should we do now? And I said, well, catch the droid, I guess. So, then, what I started doing is I would pause and then I would kind of walk backwards a little bit, I was pausing at places where there was a little bit of a rise so the droid couldn't see me, but I could get just back enough. Then I would run around, out to the, well this one was more fields with these, like, palm trees, maybe they're palm trees, they were metallic color. And I'd run around the palm tree and I'd find something to throw in the road that the droid was eventually going to be in, and then I would sneak back and we would go, and the droid would still be waiting for me.
And, then, I would go and then watch, it was mostly like palm fronds, not really a great way to slow down a droid, because it would go around them. So I said, okay, okay. So I kept doing it, eventually got to this forest. And so, there was a lot more trees and, even though there's different colors and different textures and different smells, I think I even caught vanilla cotton candy or something in the air, it was very similar to a forest, so using the same strategy and trying to actually slow the droid down a little bit. So I acted like I was, and the forest made it easier for me to sneak off the trail because there was more trees for me to hide behind.
And eventually, I found some big branches, so I said, okay, Simon, we're going to get these branches, we're going to block the path of the droid. But I had, to find all these branches, I had gone off, pretty far off the trail, and I guess it's a little bit embarrassing, Diane, because, you're saying, how, sometimes these woods can be tricky. I couldn't find my way back to the path, and, then, as I tried more, you know, I'm carrying these branches and listening for the droid humming to itself. I'm turning, because I guess what happened was, when I first thought I was right headed back to the trail, it took too long.
So, then, I did one of those things where you step with your right foot into the right, then you step with your left foot to the left, then you spin 30 degrees, then you step forward, then you spin 15 more degrees to the right or clockwise, then you spin 80 degrees to the right clockwise, then you step again, then you look up and down, then 45 degrees counterclockwise, these are just estimates, Diane. Then you drop the branches, then you walk forward 50 paces, and then you step back, so I couldn't find, I couldn't figure out what happened in that situation, Diane, was, I got more lost.
Then it was a listening thing, and this is a common thing, I think, well, maybe not, is when you, you're in a forest and, say, you've got your forest sounds and you also, it's under toned by, like not silence, but almost like white noise, Diane. You know, you have the wind, you have, like, is that sound or lack of sound. Just like they say it makes a sound, if a tree falls in the forest, it makes a sound. So, I was listening for the droid, singing to itself, but, again, because your ear's already hearing it, you're like, am I hearing that in my imagination or at a far distance? Or is it some birds chirping? Because, again, this is the Big Farm.
So, I kept getting, I think I got further and further from the path. To, eventually, where I became to the edge of the trees in an overlook, where we're on, like, a valley, or, it wasn't a C-L-I-F-F, but it was a, it was high up, so I could slide down, which, eventually, let me, I'm getting ahead of myself, did I say, oh no, like, at first, I had to sit down for a while. Because I said, I lost the droid, and, by looking for it, I guess, at the time, looking back, I guess I had a 50 percent chance of finding it, even though, because we're at the edge of this part of the forest, but I didn't think that at the time.
I said, oh no, Simon, you've lost the droid. It's connected to GNDK, somehow, and I felt a little down, and, then, you know, just missing GNDK, and then I said, but then the voice of, GNDK taught me a lot about self-talk, being in the moment and looking at the moment, it's kind of the underpinnings of one of their investigative strategies that I've learned from them. So I said, okay, Simon, where are you? And I said, I don't know. And I said, what can you see? I was listening to GNDK saying this, and I said, I guess I'm not sure, is this a valley or a field or a meadow?
But it was pretty far, I was fairly high up because I had a view. And, in this case, the sun was setting, oh boy, this sun, it was an iridescent sun, but it wasn't setting, it had, before, like it's supper time, or something. And I notice down in the field, or whatever, the meadow, far off, what looked like a giant table and people sitting at the table, and I said, is this my imagination? And then I saw, like, smoke, like they were cooking something. And then I thought I heard chatter, I thought, maybe, well, that's, at least, somebody to talk to if that's real. Let's go there and ask for help, ask about this droid.
And, so I slid down and climbed down this hill or, whatever, I got down to the next level where the valley or the field was, and then I walk across, you know, quite a distance, but it was getting closer and closer. And then, there was all these people eating, and I actually knew some of the people. Like, they were people I met, none one I actually worked for, but people I met during my travels in the Big Farm, and they said, ‘hey, you're Big Farm in the Sky, P.I, join us!' And they had me down, and they said, ‘you're the richest guy and this is beautiful out here, isn't it?', I said, yeah, I'm kind of lost, and they said, ‘oh okay, like, these are actually the lost hills. It's kind of a fun place to get lost and don't worry, you'll find your way.'
They're like, ‘this area's for people that like getting lost, like that podcast guy, he loves this'. And I said, oh okay. And I said, but I'm found now, and they said, ‘oh yeah, this is where you always, like, this table, this is like the picnic area and, when you can see it, you go here, and then you have a picnic with other people that have…'. And I said, are all of you just lost and you just came here? And they said, ‘well, we all just met over the past, like hour or two, we've been enjoying some lemonade and we're grilling up some food', but every single person, Diane, was someone I had come in contact with before.
Now, I don't know the exact population of the Big Farm in the Sky, so I did say to myself, Simon, don't over blow things, but my gut said, that's strange, but I couldn't put my finger on it at the time, Diane, now talking it out it makes it sound like, ‘oh, Simon, hello!' And then I told them about the droid and, I guess, this didn't work out so great, because it started people about Star Wars, and people offering their opinion about Star Wars, and started people talking, like, I couldn't get to, like, that, they needed to find this droid or what mysterious, what the mystery was, because everyone had their own opinions on workplaces with droids, droids, Star Wars, new Star Wars, old Star Wars, science fiction, and it was a picnic, so it wasn't really a brain storming session.
And, then, as the sun got lower, everybody said, okay, ‘let's pack it up'. And I said, well, how do we, if this is the Lost Hills, how do we find our way? And they said, ‘oh, you haven't been here before, good thing, like, you're supposed to find us, I guess because we've all been here before'. And they said, ‘what you do is you, we all hold hands and, around the table, we form a big circle, holding hands, and we do a ring around the rosy, and we do that whole thing and then, when you do the fall down part, when you stand back up, you stand exactly opposite, facing the outside of the circle, and, then, you just walk straight from wherever you are, were, wherever you were in the circle, and you'll go where you're supposed to go. You're supposed to be back to your house? Sooner or later you'll know where you're going'.
And I said, good thing, and they, ‘well, that's how it works, so don't worry, you ought to…'. And I said, okay, well, this is an interesting mechanism of the Lost Hills. So we did that, we got in a circle, we did the ring around the rosie, and other words, you know. And I fell down, and, then, I stood up, and I faced out and then I started walking. And, you know, this is a big farm, so it wasn't totally mind blowing that I would walk in one direction and, very soon, lose track of everyone else, but that happened, you know?
And, eventually, the moon came out, it was a full moon, regular, very similar to regular Earth moon, Diane, probably bigger. And I saw these big hedges, like the entrance to a maze, and, at this one, I was, like, I got to say yes, right, Diane? So I just walked into the maze and I said, okay, and, then, I was in this maze, and I was trying to find my way. You know, I was a little bit frustrated, so a couple of times I stopped and sighed, and stuff, and I'd say, well, I was already in some sort of non-maze maze the whole day and I was following this droid around, and then I was lost, then I wasn't lost, now I'm in this maze, I don't know where I'm going. And I was making turns, and I said, man.
Then a couple times, I said, okay, Simon, just stop, let's see, do I need to come up with a system? You know, you're just walking through the maze wandering a bit. And then I heard two people talking, Diane, and they were kind of talking in low voices, like almost whispering. And they were talking, one of them was saying, ‘hold on to the branches', and the other one was saying, ‘the branches keep moving'. The other one said, ‘you got to hold on to branches so we can get through here', and, you know, they're just, kind of, a little bit B-I-C-K-E-R-I-N-G. But, I said, okay, at least I could find out, maybe, you know, I wasn't, I said, well, I'm needing some help too. Sounded like they were needing help.
So I wanted to walk around the corner, one of them had, like, clippers, whatever the thing you use to cut, like, big branches or pruning, not a pruning shear, but a pruning, a big one, a two-hander, for pruning, but not a saw. You know what I mean, Diane. And, then I watched them, and it looked like the hedge was actually moving, because one of them was trying to grab the hedge, so the other one, and I said, hey, and they turned and they said, ‘hey, buddy, get over here, get over here'.
It looked like they were, almost, trying to break out of the maze or something, Diane, and I said, hey, what? And they said, ‘you got to help us hold these branches', and I said, what are you trying to do? And they said, ‘get through the maze, what are you trying to do?' And I said, I wandered in there. And they said, ‘you just wandered in here?' I said, yeah, and they said, ‘this is the endless maze of,' I can't remember, it had a lot of, a lot of verbose, whatever you, descriptive words, of, something mindless, endless of eternity, and they said, ‘you just wandered in here?' And I said, yeah. They said, ‘you didn't come here on some quest?' And I said, indirectly. They said, ‘can you be?', I said, indirectly, I guess, I mean, I'm on a quest, or trying to figure something out, yes.
And they said, ‘most people come in here looking for something'. And I said, oh well, okay, you both are looking for something? They looked at each other and laughed. But they also had this look in their eye, Diane, and they said, ‘this maze', and I said, it's pretty tough maze if it was all those words you said, endless, and they said, ‘yeah'. And they said, ‘well, we've figured it out, we found these clippers' or maybe they said, one of them, I can't remember, Diane, because it was a lot to take in, you know? You can't take in everything. And they said, ‘we figured it out, if we can cut, we'll just cut through, straight through the maze', and I said, what if you don't go to the center? And they said, ‘well, we'll just keep making a grid search pattern, cutting through the hedges, 'til we find the center of the maze.'
And they said, ‘we've got a piece of paper and a pencil, too'. And I said, okay, okay. And they said, ‘we just need you to hold the hedges, because they keep trying to move out of the way, they don't want to be cut'. And I said, well, that makes sense, too. And they said, ‘what at the center of the maze?' And then they, kind of, harrumphed, Diane, and they said, ‘how are you here looking and you don't even know what you're looking for?' And I said, how do you expect me to help you when you're taking that tone with me? And they said, ‘well, we'll split the prize with you at the center of the maze, we'll tell you what it is, even, if you'll help us'.
And I said, well, you tell me and, I said, I'll think about helping you. And they said, ‘we're all looking for the same thing, everybody here is looking for it, right?' And I said, what do you mean? And they said, the one guy with the clippers said, ‘i can see it on your face, you're looking to return to visit or you miss somebody or something'. And the other guy said, ‘you want to get back, so do we, and that's what's at the center of the maze', and I said, to Earth, and they said, ‘yeah, this is the impossible maze of never ending magnus', I think they said it was called. And they said, ‘at the center of it is a portal to Earth and you can keep it or take it with you, it's a portable portal', I liked how that sounded, Diane.
And I said, we could share it, like, you can go through, and go where you want to go, and, then, they said, ‘we'll figure out a…', and I said, I've seen TV shows, you can't share something like that 33, 33, 33. And, the one guy with the clippers, no, the other guy, with the pen and the pencil, he said, ‘I'm going back, I don't need to hold the portal'. Now, the other guy, Diane, this is total projection, but I had a feeling he was going back to, like, I mean, gold's not worth anything, but I said, are you going to go back and take all the gold from the historical places or something?
And he said, ‘no, no, no, I want to go back and see my cat and pet it, and then maybe go do some other stuff that I forgot to do when I was there, like hang glide, and stuff'. And I said, oh okay, and I said, let me think about this for a second, guys. And they said, ‘come on, man, we need your help to hold these hedges, they keep moving'. And I said, well I can help you, you two keep being disagreeable, so I can hear you, but I'm just going to step over here and think about this, you know, I have, and they said, ‘please, you selfless man, please, please, please'. And I said, give me a moment, and then, one of the guys said, ‘give him a moment, he'll, of course he wants to get back'.
He uses soft sell, which was kind of effective, he said, ‘he wants to get back just like us'. And then, the other guy, I thought I saw him wink, he said, ‘yeah, we'll even let you hold the portal, you can be in possession of it and take possession of it, you know'. And there's two of them and one of me, Diane, you know, so, then, I said, GNDK, let me think on this one, and they said, ‘who, what, when, where, why', that's another GNDK strategy.
They said, ‘who, who the heck are these guys?', I don't know. What do they want? It seems like they're breaking the rules and they want help breaking, there wasn't any clear rules, but it seems like the hedge doesn't want to be cut, so maybe they're breaking rules, maybe not. Okay, where am I? In a maze in the Big Farm in the Sky. Okay, why? Well, why, like, why do they want my help? So they can get to the center of the maze and get the portal. Or maybe they would blame me, Diane, and I said, maybe they would do that, and they say, ‘he was the one who cut it', or, maybe, they were just now let me share the portal, maybe they're being honest. Why they want to get to the center of the maze, really bad?
And then I said, who am I? And I said, I'm the Big Farm in the Sky, P.I, right? And I said, because, you know, part of me was, like, you're never going to find, you'll never get out of this maze, but I said, no, and then I just started walking, Diane. And then I started trying to say, Simon, let's go to, we'll find our way however long it takes. And I said, actually, we have a lot of time, I mean, I tried not to think about the fact that GNDK, you know, that maybe time was going to go by too fast and I kept trying, I kept trying to just talk to myself, Diane, and I said, you're the Big Farm in the Sky, P.I. Then I was saying, let's crack this case. I kept hearing it in Antonio Banderas' voice, so, when I was saying it.
And, then I started to, kind of, keep track when I was turning right and left and trying to notice more about the maze, and, then, suddenly, Diane, I said, we got to pay attention, Simon, stay in the moment, what are you seeing? You know, so, at some point I heard those two, sounded like they were irritated with me, but, eventually, I couldn't hear them anymore. And, then, you know what I said? I started to see, Diane, as I was coming down to a T, where you could go left or right to, this is the first thing I saw, and maybe it was my imagination, I don't know, Diane.
Because it was a hedge and not a topiary, but I saw what looked like, through the shadows and the moonlight and the shape of the hedge, what looked a little bit like a cow to the right side of the hedge I was facing at the T intersection. So, I went right, I said, I'm the Big Farm in the Sky, P.I, I remember a case with a cow. And, the case of the missing moos, I think, and then, again, I saw just to the right, in the next intersection, what looked like a dog in the moonlight coming through, and the dog jumping towards the moon.
And then, the next one, now, this one you say, Simon, this is not possible, but this is just what I saw. On the left, because I could see a black turtle neck, it's Steve Jobs painting a painting, Diane. And I headed to the left, then, again, on the right, on the next one I saw a shining crown, and I kept saying, I'm the Big Farm in the Sky, P.I, and there was a crown shining, and I went to the right, and then, the next one, it was these birds eating ambrosia, it was out of a bowl and I went to the left, and then there was a music box on the left, I think, and I went left. And, then, there was this notebook saying bad words, and I can't remember, I turned whichever way that was.
Then the goddess Kawhi, there was like a dog peeing in the snow, that was definitely on the right, that one, I think that was the last one, Diane, then I turned and there was the center of the maze, well, a big clearing and the moon's shining down on this platform. And, in the center of the platform is a shimmering portal, Diane, shimmering and shining, waiting for me, reflective and translucent, somehow. And then I stepped towards it. I go up these steps, and the portal was like a big mirror and I could see through it, and, what I see is GNDK's room, not in Florida, but at their house. You know, they weren't in it, they were, probably, hopefully, ideally, they weren't in college already or beyond, they were just flying from Florida home.
Because I also, I know they wanted to go to a couple of theme parks and ride some roller coasters. But I could also see, like I said, it was translucent and reflective, so I could see my reflection, but behind me wasn't the maze, Diane, I mean, I could see myself, but behind me was my room at my house in the Big Farm, that was converted into a museum. But it was actually in my living room, where I normally check in with GNDK, and, suddenly it all made sense, Diane, I mean, I think it makes sense to you, but just in case, though I'm wrong.
I was, like, wait a second, I'm the Big Farm in the Sky, P.I, and I get help from GNDK, my job isn't, I'm supposed to be here, right? I'm not supposed to be in Florida, I mean, I'm supposed to be there for GNDK, when they need my help, but, you know, they're, some of this is hard to accept as an adult, but they don't need me as much as I need their help sometimes, they need my help sometimes. But, maybe, this isn't a portal, it's like a FaceTime Plus, or something, Diane. This is, like, my, just, like, I guess, I said, wait a second, Simon, that's how it all started. You go to their room and get some help, they see what you need help with and they help you give it to them.
And, I wondered what this portal's name was, Diane. Harty har har, you know, we don't need to kid each other, huh? But you know, you knew all that, Diane, clearly, and you know what it all mean, like, I'm supposed to be the Big Farm cracking cases and GNDK are supposed to be in their world being kids, but we're still supposed to be connected, just not, I mean, it's a new stage of existence, but I thought about those people, with the Lost Tales, I thought about and said, you know, it's not presumptuous for me to say I'm supposed to be here, people need, the whole reason I was cracking cases is because people need cases cracked, you know? If they're looking for help, I should be giving them help and chronic credit be darned, that's my job here as Big Farm in the Sky, P.I.
And GNDK, they're on their own journey, but I can be there for them and they can be there for me. And maybe I never had, maybe I, I don't know, Diane, if I ever had total freedom to go to Earth, I mean, I did, for a little while, and maybe it's a fuller thing, I don't know, because I'm just talking right now, but I reached up and I grabbed the portal and you know what happened, it became kind of a small thing I could slip into my pocket. I could pull it out, maybe, I'm still on my way back to my room now and my place, and I got to say this isn't a museum anymore, I'm living here, but there was one other thing, Diane.
Right before I reached out for the portal, my foot touched something and it was a comic book, and I looked it down and, on the cover of the comic book, it said, The Phantom Minnow, or The Adventures of the Phantom Minnow. And it had, like, it was beautifully drawn, it was obviously drawn by tweens, and then, it said, stories by GNDK and Uncle Simon. And I could tell they drew it for me, and I don't know how it got there, and I picked it up and I felt it in my hand and, you know, I cried, Diane, tears streamed down my cheeks.
Like, maybe, they had drawn it and kept it in Florida and, maybe, I don't know, the portal brought it to me or just showed it to me or, I don't know. Maybe they self-published it to me, but then I opened it and all the pages were empty, you know, Diane, waiting to be filled, clearly. And then I said to myself, okay, Simon, this could still be your hobby, these pages are waiting to be filled, you're the Big Farm in the Sky, P.I. You're not the Phantom Minnow. But, I guess, I said, don't give up on this dream either, is that what you're saying, Diane? GNDK? And I said, Simon, that's what you're saying to yourself, huh?
And, eventually, hold on, Diane, because I'm almost home, hold on one second, Diane, I'm sorry, I went on such a tangent there that I got to the, I still got to get everybody, I'll be right back. Okay, Diane, it's me, so I did get my place back and it's no longer a museum, it's a historical site, so I can't make any changes. But here I am and the portal works, I mean, you know that, come on, Diane. But, you know, you like to know what's going on. You're a great listener, Diane. Just like GNDK and you've been in touch with them, they're back at home, back at school, things are smoothed out with their grades and their project has gotten accolades, it's getting submitted for a national award, and I told them, they went on 17 roller coasters in a row, Diane. Loud ones, too.
They said they're proud of me, Diane, and I'm proud of them. And, so I'm back being Big Farm in the Sky, P.I with GNDK and you're help and they're back being kids and when they need Uncle Simon, I'll be here to help them, Diane. So, I'm the Big Farm in the Sky, P.I. I mean, I'm going to take a little time off now, but, you know, Diane, we'll talk soon.