1457 – Turtle-Friendly Turtle Wax | All Intros 988 – 991 for 4th of July

Episode 1457 – Turtle-Friendly Turtle Wax | All Intros 988 – 991 for 4th of July

 

SCOOTER: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and friends beyond the binary, I don't know if you'll be able to hear this, but there’s a dog snoring silently…not silently, actually; right behind me. It’s the only time I could put in an extra-long pause. So, see if you can hear her snoring. You can barely just hear it, which…but if Koa can sleep…Koa sleeps through my talking all day long, and you…but for you, which…you say, whatever you need to sleep…you’d think it’d be easy to tie together a quick teaser that…I put my dog to sleep and then I’m here to put you to sleep, but that’s not what I’m good at. I’m good at meandering and getting mixed up, 'cause it’s time for Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.

 

Intro: Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether that’s thoughts on your mind, thoughts about the past, present, or future, thoughts, feelings, anything…feeling physically or emotionally, or I guess feelings…yeah, feelings. You could be feeling something, or physical sensations. It could be changes in your schedule or your routine. It could be other stuff. You say, I got this other stuff going on.

 

Situations, parents…what do you say…parents went away for a week’s vacation. I love…anytime I think…you say, imagine…you say, what kind of Rorschach test…I said, Rorschach test? More like a Boreschach test, if you ask me. That’s probably the best pun I’ve ever come up with, and it’s not even that great. But yeah, no, I say, well, I associate 50% of things with R&B and hip-hop from the nineties or the late eighties. Something, something in full effect. You ready…like…but anyway…even my brain’s mixed up. It says okay, you got…are you gonna think of something witty? Nah, that’s close enough. So, whatever’s keeping you awake, I’d like to take your mind off of that, and what I propose to do is create a safe place where you can set that aside.

 

I’m gonna smooth that safe place, I’m gonna pat it, I’m gonna rub it down, I’m gonna say safe place just like I was…I think that was the nineties. I think that song came out in the nineties. I must warn you I’m pretty, pretty, pretty boring. But okay, so…and then I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents. So, I’m gonna go off-topic, I’m gonna get mixed up, I’m gonna get…go…then I’ll say, wait a second, then I’ll use some filler words. It’s been a few intros since I remember glamorizing or glorifying filler words or over-using filler words. I think…I don’t know, are those…? Those are filler words, right? For me, they’re just a part of the…they say, that’s how it’s made. They say, filler words?

 

I’d say, well, yeah, I guess they’re part…they’re…I’m not even doing that on purpose. The filler words are more…for me, they’re space words. One, they take up space while my brain’s trying to think of stuff, and also, there’s…they take up all that empty space up in my mind. But whatever it is that’s keeping my…keeping you awake, I’d like to help you take your mind off of it and put you to sleep. That’s really what I meant. So, if you’re new, I’m glad you’re here, really. I really am, and I really hope I can help, but I want you to know a few things. If you’re a regular listener, holy cow, I’m glad you’re back. I also really hope I can help you fall asleep, because it’s my honor to be able to help and do so. So, there’s that part, too. So, let’s see…okay. Oh, so if you’re new…regular listeners, what up? You see, I’m extra mixed up today.

 

That’s good, though. So, if you’re new, a few things to know. This podcast does not work for everybody. I really wish it did. Can you imagine the headline? They say, Person Solves Worldwide Sleep Issues by Just Being Himself and Talking with Superfluous Filler Words. He says no, if it solved the world’s sleep problems, they wouldn’t be superfluous. They say, okay, but this is just an imaginary…oh, okay. Yeah, but this podcast does not work for everybody. The only catch is that even for the people it works for, it takes two or three times to listen to realize…you say, oh, I actually kinda don’t…not…some people…of course your first instinct when you’re listening to something like this is…say, what is this? Or, what do you mean you’re gonna put me to sleep? How are you gonna do that?

 

Those are very natural responses. So, it just takes a while to get used to, so it’s kinda…I don’t know. That’s just what most reviewers say. They say, the first time, I don’t think I liked the show. The second time, it got on my nerves. The third time, I fell…I don’t remember anything, and I’ve been listening ever since. There are some people — and I want to give a shout-out to them — that the podcast, they connect with it right away and they either fall asleep or they say, oh, okay, this is what I’m looking for, someone to talk to me in a pointless manner with some general direction to keep me company while I fall asleep, someone I really don’t have to listen to or pay attention to. This is great. That’s what I’m looking for. But not everybody…you know, it’s just something…I don’t know.

 

It’s something you eventually discover. Now, there’s also people, understandably, that don’t like the show or me right away, and that’s totally understandable, too. I also have a list of other sleep podcasts at sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou, and those are all really good sleep podcasts, too, and different styles of sleep podcasts than this one. So, you can always check those out. So, that’s…okay, so…oh, maybe you won’t like me, give it a few tries…and one of the reasons you gotta give it a few tries is maybe you’re skeptical or doubtful, and that’s exactly how I would be if somebody told me to listen to a sleep podcast. I’d say, what? What do you mean? What’s that guy up to? So, give it a few tries. See how it goes. That’s one. A couple other things that…if you’re new…this isn’t really a podcast you listen to.

 

Just like that person said; like, I eventually learned…you just…it’s a little bit…it’s like optional background noise. You say, oh, okay, it’s background noise I could listen to if I wanted to, but I don’t have to. I say, yep, that’s it. So, that’s one thing. The other thing is it doesn’t really put you to sleep, either. You say, wait a second, can it get any better than this? I say, well, yeah, it doesn’t really put you to sleep. I’m here to keep you company while you fall asleep. That’s why the shows are over an hour, to give you plenty of time to drift off, so you don’t…so then you say, oh, I don’t have to be asleep in the next ten minutes; I could just listen to this person go on and on and on, and then eventually they’re gonna start telling me a story. I may or not be awake for it.

 

But there’s also…if you have something else going on and you can’t sleep, I’m gonna be here for you. I’m gonna be here to the very end to keep you company, ‘cause that’s my goal, is to…I don’t know. For me, the deep, dark night can sometimes feel frustrating and lonely. That’s why I think it’s important for me to keep you company and keep talking and keep telling you a story whether you’re listening or not. I’m your bedtime companion where there’s no pressure on your end. That’s what it means to be a bore-bud, a bore-bae, a bore-sib, a bore-bestie, a bore-bruh, a bore-bor, yeah. One day, yeah, maybe we’ll be bore-besties. You know, now, for the time being, we can be bore-buds or bore-bors. That just means a boring neighbor, I guess. So, just see how it goes. So, okay, those are two things.

 

The other thing that throws new listeners off — even regular listeners sometimes — is the structure of the show. The podcast is designed in a certain way, but it is also malleable by the listener. The structure is kind of…serves a few purposes. It enables us to help the most people by having a sponsor and patron-driven podcast. We can put it out for free than behind a paywall. Then the intro and stuff…the structure also helps people wind down and eventually fall asleep. How or why do we do that? One, the show starts off with a greeting; friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, so you see…you feel seen and welcome. Then there’s listener support and support for the show via sponsors and Patreon, and that’s how we’re able to be here free for you, like I said. Then the intro starts.

 

The intro’s somewhere around ten to twenty minutes long. It’s separate from the sponsor stuff, and that…the intro, one, introduces the podcast to new listeners, but for regular listeners it’s different every single time. Part of that reason is I just believe that the parts of us that keep us up at night, at least for me and for a lot of listeners I’ve talked to, are very adaptable. So, if I did the exact same thing every intro, eventually your brain would adapt and say, oh, this is the same thing. I’m just gonna keep you awake.

 

So, that’s why every intro is different. But also, the intro is, again, ten to twenty minutes to give you ten to twenty minutes difference and distance between your day, waking life, and your sleep, to give you a chance to wind down or to get ready for bed or to start to relax if you’re doing some sort of other activity like drawing or needlepoint or knitting or hooking or stretching or just getting ready for bed; skincare, foam-rolling — that’s what I do — quiet sitting, staring at the ceiling with your legs up; I love that. I’m a ceiling-staring hobbyist. You say, what are your top hobbies? Well, kinda depends on what’s going on. But looking at the ceiling…I probably shouldn’t put that on any profiles that I’m…yeah. So, okay, so that’s why the intro goes on and on and on, is to help you wind down. Now, you can skip it.

 

Two to three percent of listeners skip the show. A few thousand people that support the show on Patreon listen to story-only episodes. Then if you listen all night, you could kinda see if the regular show works for you or our Patreon is better for you. Some people also put the show on in the middle of the night when they wake up, and there’s people that listen because they work on the second or third or fourth shifts. There’s also people that just have jobs that impact their sleep, or there’s people that listen during the day because they’re…you know, the podcast is here to help with loneliness and frustration and to distract you. So, that’s why the intro goes on and on and on. Then after the intro is business. Again, that’s just how…those are the two spots we can have business that have been successful.

 

Then it’ll be our bedtime story. So, then it’ll be a tale of Lady Witchbeard, who was…this will be her second episode, but it’s episodically modular, so you can listen in any order. Let’s see, I think that’s it. I mean, I think…I’m trying to think. Oh, then…yeah, then there’s thank-yous at the end. So, that’s the structure of the show. The only other thing you really need to know is the reason I make the show is because I’ve been there tossing, turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep; I’ve had all of those. Right now I’m not at home, and it’s…even though I’m trying to follow…my routine’s not norm…the way it normally is, I’m not in my own bed, and it’s just not been easy. So, I know how it feels, and I know how it feels even when I’m at home and I’m practicing my bedtime routine.

 

So, that’s one of the reasons. If I can help you wherever…if you’re having trouble getting to sleep, staying asleep, waking up, whatever it is, you just feel lonely or frustrated, I want to create a situation where bedtime is not something you dread. Maybe it’s something you feel neutral about and you say, okay, well, at least Scoots is gonna be there. The other thing is you deserve a good night’s sleep. It’s really that simple. You do deserve to get some rest, and you deserve a safe place where you can wind down, and if I can help with that, it really would be my pleasure. I’m of the belief that if you’re rested, our entire world is better tomorrow because your world’s better and you’re a little bit more capable and you’re able to live your life a little bit more, or just have…be less sucky. That’s great. That really gives me purpose.

 

It gives my life meaning because I know how it feels on the other side. So, if I can help you, like I said, it would be an honor. Now, the tricky thing is, it doesn’t work for everybody. I wish it did, but give it a few tries and see how it goes. It takes a while to get used to not listening to me or be like, when is this thing gonna turn on? I’d say, well, it’s…I’m more on…I’m a dim person on a dimmer switch, I guess you could say. So, I’m glad you’re here. I really hope, I really work hard, I yearn and I strive, I really hope I can help you fall asleep, and here’s a couple of ways I’m able to do it for you twice a week. Thanks so much for coming by.

 

Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’ll do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is send my…did I get mixed up again? You up all night tossing, turning, mind…whatever’s keep…what I’m gonna attempt to do…is whatever’s keeping you awake, I’m here to take your mind off of that, whether it’s thoughts, or it might be…the podcaster’s repeating stuff ‘cause I got mixed up. But it could be thoughts on…repetitive thoughts on your mind, holy moly. So, or thoughts about the past, present or future.

 

Could be changes in your routine, feelings or emotions, physical sensations, could be something else. Whatever it is that’s keeping you awake or…awake, or whatever the situation is, I’m here to keep you company and take your mind off of stuff. The way I’m going to attempt to do that is to send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones. So, my tones are not conducive to much else other than…not even…you say, well, the…he’s got the kind of voice you could…you can’t forget about it, but you don’t really listen to it. So, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents. I’m gonna go off-topic, I’m gonna get mixed up, all to keep you company, as I said, while you fall asleep. Now if you’re new, I’m glad you’re here.

 

If you’re a regular listener, wow, thanks for being a regular listener of the show. I really hope it helps you on a regular basis, and I appreciate you being here. Now, if you’re new, a couple…there’s a lot of things that are different about this podcast. One is it takes a couple listens to get used to in a way where you say, oh, I don’t have to get used to it; I just…it’s kinda like trying something on like a new fabric. They say, oh boy, have you tried that new fabric everybody’s talking about? You say, I haven’t heard any…about any new fabrics. I don’t actually…of all the new things in our world, all the tech disruptions…sometimes people have new names for a fabric. But you say, well, isn’t this like that other fabric? So…but you say, well, have you tried it on, though? What, the laser stretch? I thought that was just lycra and cotton.

 

You say, well, no, it’s laser stretch. It’s a new one. It’s stretched…pre-stretched by…wait a second, it’s pre-stretched by lasers? I’ll try it on. I don’t know. I tried it on, though; the first time I felt a little lasery. Like, is there…was there leftover laser…a remnant of lasers? That was another book, a piece of speculative science-fiction I was gonna write, A Remnant of Lasers: My Tale Being…whatever, a Space…What a Space Ranger Does When They’re No Longer a Space Ranger. Oh, so, sorry, I got mixed up. Actually, this could be applicable to this episode we’re gonna be talking about this week from TNG, ‘cause there’s a laser…My Life as a Laser Pointer Connector…Collector. Connector, yeah. Oh boy, I have the top dating site of laser pointers and people that are interested in laser pointers.

 

But please, laser pointers, don’t point them at anything that is sensitive to laser pointers. You know, point them in your house, point them in your classrooms, point them in your…don’t…but don’t…laser pointers; use them with respect and respect them. That’s My Life as a…you say, Scoots, I heard you were a dating expert. Oh yeah, for laser pointers dating one another. I’m sorry, Scooter, what did you say? Yeah, no, that’s what…someone…if laser pointers become sentient, I’m gonna corner that market. Maybe not though, ‘cause somebody…say, well, we adjust…we had Buple and we just adjusted it to Lasiter. Like, you could…if you combined laser and later…and we combined that and we put Scooter’s dating…laser dating website…I said, well, what about super colliders and…? I was the first person to introduce particle colliders and super colliders together.

 

Right, and that was the other universe we used to all live in, Scoots, and after those two connected and they gave birth, that was the end of that timeline. Oh yeah, I forgot about that. They said there’s a reason it’s called a super collider and another one is called a particle accelerator. They weren’t supposed to…and I said, oh…they just wanted to meet one another ‘cause they had some things in common, but they weren’t the same. Sorry about that, whatever timeline I used to live in. Great to be in this one, by the way. Okay, so, sorry. If you’re new, I was gonna say something…oh, this podcast can take some getting used to and it’s not for everybody. So, when you…so, most regular listeners say, hey, give it a few tries because it’s different. You might not like it at first. You may never like it.

 

But just see how it goes because it’s so different. Also on the so-different thing is this is a podcast — clearly you’ve already figured that out — that you don’t really listen to; you just kinda barely listen. You kick back, you just kinda pay attention, and you let me drone in the background. But you can listen, and this isn’t a show that really puts you to sleep; I’m here to keep you company while you fall asleep. So, I’m gonna be here for over an hour, and you could queue up episode after episode. If you can’t sleep, I’m here for you. I’ll be here, right here talking to you, or in a little while I’ll be talking to you about Star Trek: TNG. So, those are two things. Other things that throw new listeners off are the structure of the show or the content of the show or me. So, I’m different. It may work for you, it may not.

 

Just see how it goes. I know you’re skeptical. I know you tried other things to fall asleep. The goal of the show is to make you feel less alone and to just barely entertain you, maybe barely make you smile while you get some rest. Structure of the show…show starts off with a greeting; friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, so you feel welcome and seen. Then there’s support for you, the listener, then there’s support for our show so it can stay free. That’s the first, I don’t know, six, eight minutes or something. Then there’s the intro, which is a show within a show. It’s kinda like our wind-down show. Three percent of listeners skip it. A few thousand people pay to get story-only episodes on Patreon, but most listeners really enjoy it because it’s part of their bedtime routine.

 

It’s part of their bedtime routine. So, some people play it as they’re getting ready for bed, some listeners are in bed, and some people are doing something else relaxing, or they’re just sitting on the couch or doing…taking…doing some skincare, doing some doodling, foam-rolling, lying on the floor instead of lying on…in the bed. Maybe you’re paging through a magazine. I mean, talk about something that not a ton of people do anymore. You say, oh, I’m just paging through it. So, the intro kinda serves the purpose to give us some distance from the day and the night, from your day life, and ease you into bedtime, and kinda give you a overview of what the show…what to expect. My sense of humor-like…I’d say, well, it’s not funny. It’s kinda like something funny that’s…yeah.

 

I mean, I don’t know, he was talking about something five or six minutes ago. He doesn’t even remember what it was, but he says, well, that was barely entertaining. That’s what the show really is. So, that’s the intro. Then there’s business between the intro and the episode. That’s how…kinda podcast structure works and again, how we’re able to be here free versus be part of a service. Then tonight we’ll be talking about Star Trek: The Next Generation, but you don’t need to have seen the episodes at all. I’ll fill you in. It’ll be like a bedtime story and…or like, you know, anytime someone’s recounted the plot of an entire movie or TV show in longer…you say, oh my gosh, I saw the show; I gotta tell you about it. So, there’s a character, right? They have…they wear sneakers everywhere.

 

So, they have sneakers…they have their work sneakers, then they have their dating sneakers, then they have…they even wear sneakers to bed, but…they’re slippers, but they have them designed like sneakers. Then when they go to the UK, they call them trainers. Then you’re like, okay, that’s…oh wow, that sounds…oh no, no, no, that’s just the main character. So, then they meet someone, a barefoot runner. Okay. Then that goes on and on and on, what can feel like hours, right? But because of the social compact, you’re supposed to…unfortunately…you’re a good person. I know you. You listen to the show. So you say, wow, a barefoot runner and a sneaker-lover. What’s…do they…what’s the plot? Oh, so…well, no, no, so, then it goes back to when they were kids and they lived two towns away from one another.

 

But both their parents worked at a shoe box factory. Then you could say, okay, wow, oof. Wow, what is this…you know what? Maybe you shouldn’t tell me any more. Maybe I should…no, I gotta tell you. I can’t believe it. I mean, you could watch it, but I just…I gotta tell somebody about this. Okay, but…okay. So, you make that noise, right? So, this podcast…you could do that if you want to. You say, uh-huh, Scoot…uh-huh. Oh, Scoots, tell me more about Star Trek. But there’s no…you don’t have to pretend to listen to me. You could literally be drooling or snoring or you could just be relaxed there, snuggled in and just kinda barely paying attention. So, the show’s here to keep you company while you drift off. I make the show because you deserve a good night’s sleep.

 

I really, truly believe that, and that our world and your world will be a better place if you get the rest you need. I also make the show ‘cause I’ve been there. I know how it feels tossing, turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep, so I’m happy to help. So, give the show a few tries. See how it goes. I really appreciate you coming by and checking it out. I really work hard, I yearn and I strive, and I really hope I can help you fall asleep. Thanks again for coming by, and here’s a couple ways I’m able to be here for you twice a week. Thanks.

 

Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, changes in time or temperature, maybe…so, things on your mind that you’re thinking about, obviously, ‘cause I just started thinking there literally while I was trying to talk to you, and I apologize.

 

That’s why I wanted to bring it up. I’m sorry, my thoughts started thinking when I was trying to talk and pay attention to you, and it’s not…you know, it’s…it happened, so I wanted to acknowledge it and tell you what I was thinking of was…this thing said, hey, by the way, what are we gonna record tomorrow? I said, is that not a metaphor for everything in my entire life? Then I said, well, you’re right; what are we gonna record tomorrow? It said, well, we definitely gotta…and I said, yeah, I know, I know. I said, well, I don’t…we don’t have it scheduled yet. I know we have to record tomorrow, but I don’t…and it said, well, here’s what I’m thinking. Then I started listening and then I realized…I said, wait a second, I’m trying to record a podcast intro, and I’m talking.

 

Excuse me, but I’ll have to…maybe later we could talk about this, future recording brain. So, it happens to me not just at bedtime, but more so at bedtime. So, whether it’s something you’re thinking about that catches your attention, something you’re feeling emotionally you’re experiencing, or physically, or it could be something else…it could be something temporary. You could have just woke up. Hey, what’s up? I’m here to help, so…whatever time it is. Whether you need a daytime break or extra noise, you’re working, you got the Zoom life going…I heard that was the least-popular hashtag. Well, there’s…in my opinion. Imaginaryhashtagranker.com. Don’t Google that because it’s imaginary.

 

But I just…it’s a very…I don’t have the whole list, but the bottom two were #zoomlife, L-I-F-E, and #zoomlyfe with a Y. That was out of a…it was only a ten-part list, nine and ten. Believe it or not, not in that list…#zubalife, because it’s not relevant. Zuba pants were a form of pants that I’ve talked about on the podcast before. I think they were…I don’t know what the original…I don’t know their origin story, actually. I didn’t see the prequel, Zuba: The Prequel. But when I was aware of Zuba pants, they were…what are those animals called? Zebra-style pants, but in colors of NFL teams, which would be interesting if you were the Broncos. Maybe not, ‘cause I guess a bronco and a zebra…but if you were the Bengals, you’d say…no, the Bengals, they have good colors, though.

 

Raiders…that was probably the most popular Zuba pant, but…’cause…if there was silver and black. You know what would probably make a nice one is the Chargers, because those are nice. I find those soothing colors. But so…oh boy, how did we get here? So, whatever’s keeping you awake, whatever…I’m here to take your mind off of stuff and keep you company. What I’m gonna do is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents, so, I’m gonna go off-topic, I’m gonna get mixed up, I’m gonna use a lot of filler words, and I’m not gonna make a lot of sense.

 

I’m gonna…yeah, pop culture things from twenty years ago are gonna pop in my mind, and then I’m gonna forget what…forgetting what I was talking about, holy…backtracking, pre…inventing prequels and words and listicles. I don’t know if that was a listicle. Is a listicle a partial list? ‘Cause that was a listicle. ‘Cause I said, well, you only told us nine, ten, and thirty-two, #zubalife. Also, #zootycoonlife; that one is…didn’t even make the list. So, if you…’cause you say, well, that game is…I say, well, at least I’m getting pop…I’m trying to cover every decade with shout-outs. So, if you’re new, welcome. I do want to give you some extra information if you’re new and you’re here. I really hope this podcast can help you, but I also understand if you’re having a reaction…cause I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night and use creaky, dulcet tones.

 

You say, well, I’m not sure about your voice or your personality, and…or this…what you’re…and I say, yeah, that’s a very natural…how is this supposed to put me to sleep? Those are very natural reactions. Now, I have hundreds of thousands of people that are also listening that are regular listeners that are saying, believe me, I felt that way, too. So, everyone shares your skepticism or your unsurety. I don’t know what the right word is. Tentative feelings, I would say. Usually they’re stronger than tentative, because why wouldn’t you be skeptical or doubtful? You say, a podcast to put me to sleep with creaky, dulcet tones and somebody talking about Zuba pants and whatever the other ones he said…Zoom life?

 

Oh, what I was trying to make my point about Zoom life, was a lot of people are…have been using the podcast as background noise if you have multiple…to give you a layer…you say, well, I’m not…I don’t want to listen to that chalkboard session in the other room. Then the kids at those…in those families, their teachers say, is that your male parental figure with those creaky, dulcet…is that a creaky door or a human chattering on and on and on? Is that a…do you live…is that a drone going by? No, just a droner, or…I’m a dronee. So…okay, so, those are things. Oh, so if you’re new, I want to…if you’re doubtful, of course. A couple things to know — not right upfront, ‘cause that’s too late — that can throw people off; one, this podcast is best consumed loosely. Like, barely pay attention.

 

If you’re in a position where you’re waiting for me to get started or get to the point, I understand that natural…you say, well, that’s how most things happen. This one is a bit like…you may find yourself having stronger feelings. Just kinda barely listen to me, a bit like…you’re like, wait a…like you already know me. I could tell…you could already tell. Your judgment’s right; this person is not really making a whole lot of sense. You say, well, let me just kinda barely listen to him. I mean, I do kind of understand Zoom life, and I understand…I like the sound of Zuba pants. Actually, if there was ever a time for Zuba pants to come back…as long as they were at a discount, ‘cause I think when they were popular, they were probably like, twenty, thirty, forty bucks.

 

But you’d say…if they were like, $12, they’re kinda like lounge pants. You say, well, that’s perfect for my Zoom life. Zuba pants and Zoom life. I go from Zoom life to Zumba in my Zuba pants all day long. Zuba pants; two for one. So nice, Scoots said it more than twice. Okay, so, if you’re new, just don’t…if you can, just barely pay attention to me. Just kinda hold me like you were holding a handful of beach sand and let me slowly drift through your fingers. The other thing is I’m not really here to put you to sleep. I’m here to keep you company as you drift off. That’s why the show is over an hour, is so you have plenty of time to fall asleep. So, there’s no pressure on you to be like, okay, I gotta fall asleep soon. If you can’t sleep, I’ll be here to the very end. So, either way, I’m gonna be talking.

 

Tonight I’ll be covering a eighties movie and trying to remember what I can remember about it. But so, if you can’t sleep, I’ll be here to the very end. But you say, well, I don’t really need to hear you try to remember a movie plot. So, yeah, so, those are a couple things to know. The other thing is…for new people that can throw them off is the structure of the show. I’ll give you a…I’ll try to do a quick overview of our structure, then I’ll explain it. The show starts off with a greeting; ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, friends beyond the binary, so that you feel welcome and warm and seen, or cool. You say, well, I feel…it feels breezy in a good way. I say, great. Then there’s business. That’s how we keep the show coming out for free twice a week instead of being behind a paywall. Then there’s an intro.

 

The intro’s about twelve to twenty minutes long. Between the business being up front and then the intro kinda feeling like it’s an intro that never…the never-ending intro, it can throw new listeners off, naturally. But it all serves a purpose. Then there’s business, then there’s our story or our recap or our misremembering of a classic Eddie Murphy movie where, yeah, I guess I get into it in that movie and I say, man, Eddie…where Eddie Murphy showed a lot of range in a non-dramatic role. So…and then there will be thank-yous. So, that’s the structure of the show. Oh, so, why is the structure that way? Well, the greeting’s there so you feel welcome.

 

The business is there so I don’t have to give it to another company, and then the intro…the reason the intro is around twelve to twenty minutes long instead of me just saying welcome to the sleep podcast, badda-bing, badda-boo, then saying, thank you…brought to you by Zumba pants and Zoom and Zumba classes and zebras, is…and now you’re gonna go to sleep. Like, that just doesn’t…has never worked for me or a lot of the listeners. You say, well, those kinda things maybe worked for me once, but then as my…I adapted to them and then they never worked again, and then I was having trouble sleeping again. What I’ve found with this show is that this…the intro kinda eases you into bedtime. So, some listeners start it while they’re getting ready for bed.

 

Some listeners start it while they’re in bed, and then some start it after they’ve gotten comfortable, so that you get some distance from the day. You could be unwinding or you could start it when you’re already unwound and ready to go to sleep. Or…the podcasts are totally free, so you could…there’s two percent of people that start it at twenty, twenty-two minutes. So, you could just kinda see how it goes and go from there. But so, that’s why the intro’s so long. For a new listener, it’s like, I’m trying to greet you and give you an idea of what to expect, and you kinda get an honest idea of the kind of nonsense and non…I don’t know if it’s non sequiturs, but something like that that we’ll be dealing with. So, hopefully that makes sense. Yeah, and then we’ll talk about…I’ll try to remember this movie that meant so much to me.

 

Then the show ends with thank-yous because it’s very important for me to thank…I don’t know, I just like having that. So, that’s the structure of the show. The other thing to know is the reason I make the show. The reason I make the show is twofold. One of the reasons is because I believe you deserve a good night’s sleep. I believe you deserve a safe place where you could drift off, and I believe that the world will be a better place if you’re rested. That’s really important to me, because it just will be. It’s just a fact. If you’re in a little bit better place, the world’s in a better place, and you can live your life fuller. You say, well, then I’m not as tired tomorrow. That’s pretty good. The other side of it is I’ve been there.

 

That’s the other reason I make the show, because I know how it feels in the deep, dark night, tossing, turning, Zoom…or during the day having Zoom life. You say, okay, what? One second, I’m just in…I’m also on a Zoom thing. You say, wow, this is…it’s not easy, is what I’m saying. If I can help, it’s my honor because I know how it feels after dark. I don’t know…not the Cinemax kinda after dark; the kinda after dark where you’re tossing, turning, mind racing. Not the kind that you say, after dark. I mean, maybe if they’re saying it about some sort of dessert product, I probably…you say, well, no, I’ve tried that After Dark. Ice cream after dark?

 

Yeah, I know that, but not after dark. Our special programming…that’s how they used to do that in the eighties and the nineties, too. So, that’s why I make the show. You deserve a good night’s sleep. I’d like to help because I know what it feels like in the deep, dark night. I think that’s it. I’m glad you’re here. I really hope…I mean, I work really hard, I yearn and I strive. I really want to help you fall asleep. I appreciate you coming by and checking this shown out…show out, and here’s a couple ways I’m able to bring it to you twice a week. Thanks.

 

Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, or at least have it on one side of the bed and move a little bit over. Whether that’s thoughts on your mind that you’re thinking about, like things from the past, present, or future, feelings either related to the thoughts or feelings that are just there or that have been there or that appeared suddenly right at bedtime.

 

It could be physical sensations, changes in your schedule or your routine, it could be something baffling, it could be work or your schedule, your work schedule. Shout out to the second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, tenth, and eleventh, and now the twelfth shifts, all who I give attention to, but I…especially second and third shifts. But those other shifts, too. I say, well, if you’re on the twelfth shift, I’m here for you. But whatever’s keeping you awake…it could be one of those things, it could be something else. I’m here to keep you company while you fall asleep, and what I propose or what I’d like to see if you’re interested in or what’ll help you…here’s what I’m gonna do; I’m trying to create…over the next twelve to forty-eight to ninety minutes, I’m gonna try to create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, like I said at the beginning.

 

But one way I like to do that is repetitive things, and then…you can’t see me, but I’m moving my hand in a…almost like I’m polishing the safe place. When was the last time I talked about turtle wax? ‘Cause I say, I think I’ve talked…I hope…the way editing always works out, where I record out of order, the episode before this…even though I recorded…maybe recorded it months ago, to be about turtle wax. Maybe we’ll come back to it. I say, whatever I’ve talked about, I already forgot. But you might say, what in the turtle wax are you talking about, son? I’d say, well, if you were my father, you’d know, because my father is a big…my father…I’m not sure if he used turtle wax, but some sort of wax like turtle wax.

 

I would use turtle wiggity-wax, ‘cause I did…can’t you do that motion like you’re a DJ scratching the record? Is that good? Especially for the hood of a car. Turtle wax; nothing to do with turtles as far as I know. Hopefully I Google it before this episode comes out, ‘cause you say Scoots, you didn’t hear about…I mean, do turtles polish their shells? That’s what I think the last time I talked about it…it was probably a tangent I went on. If I didn’t, how about that? How about turtle wax for turtles? You say, this is turtle-friendly turtle wax. For the mating season or any season, shine up your shell with turtle wax. If you want to swim faster than your average turtle, use some turtle wax. Also, if you have your youth usually riding on your back, don’t…turtle wax; not for that…those…probably don’t use it.

 

Also, don’t wax any turtles unless they become sentient or can communicate in a language that you also speak and they speak it clearly and say, hey, I heard about this…for some reason this wax company made turtle wax, turtle-friendly turtle wax, and it was approved. Could you please wax my shell? Because mating season is coming and I would like to look extra-shiny. Then you say, you didn’t hear about the study that said, believe it or not, shiny shells don’t…that doesn’t attract more mates. It was just a marketing idea. Turtles, just be yourself. You don’t need any wax. Oh, sorry. Oh, I was gonna go on…what I was gonna do is I was making that safe place thing. I went on a early tangent there. Then I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night.

 

I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, just like when I opened the hood of my father’s station wagon at some point during the…I don’t know if I’d open it while I was waxing the hood of his…I don’t know…even know what I’m talking about now. Okay, so, I’m gonna…whatever’s keeping you awake, I’d like to take your mind off of that. If you’re new, I’m gonna send…use lulling, soothing, tones, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents. We’ve been on a few of those already, all to keep you company while you fall asleep. Now, if you’re new, a few things to know. This podcast is not for everybody, but most people that it works for, they say give it a few tries and see how it goes, because it’s very different. The advice I see a lot of times is hey, just kinda listen loosely. Barely pay attention.

 

That’s how the podcast works. It never gets started. So, if you’re waiting for it to get started, that’s kinda natural on your first or second listen. Then on your third listen you say, oh, that was him getting started and going, when he was talking about waxing turtles. That’s the content of the pod…I say, yeah, you’re a regular listener now. So, the podcast is something you don’t really listen to. Also, it does not put you to sleep. Believe it or not, this podcast is just here to keep you company. I’m here to be your bore-friend, your bore-bae, your bore-sib, your bore-cuz, your bore-bestie, and to take your mind off of stuff while you fall asleep. That’s why the shows are over an hour, so you have plenty of time to drift off. You don’t have to think about when’s…what if I’m not asleep by the time the episode ends?

 

Don’t worry. Queue up another episode. I’m here. If you want to listen all night, I’m here. I make the show because…twofold. I’ve been there. Last night I was wide awake for some reason at a certain time between 12:00 and 5:15. It wasn’t pleasant and it wasn’t…my usual strategies were not working. So, I’ve been there. I know how it feels, trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep, tossing, turning, mind racing, all those things. So, that’s one thing. The other thing is…what was the one thing…? Oh, trouble…oh, I’ve been there. The other thing is you deserve a good night’s sleep. That’s the other reason I make the show. If I can help you, while this podcast doesn’t work for everybody, I hope it works for you, because I want you to get the rest you need, because you deserve it and your life will be a little bit better.

 

Maybe slowly, if you get a bedtime routine, it’ll be better and better and better. That means a lot to me ‘cause you’re important. So, that’s why I make the show. You don’t really listen to it, it doesn’t really put you to sleep. That’s the good news. The structure of the show can also throw new listeners off, even regular listeners. So, the show’s structured in a very specific way that we’ve kinda grown into over the years, but there is percentages of listeners that use the show in different ways. So, I’ll try to give you the basic structure of the show. It starts off with a greeting so you feel welcome. Then there’s listener support so you have other options for stuff beyond me putting you sleep.

 

Then there’s support for the show so it can be free, and then there’s our intro where I introduce the podcast in a long-winded way that never successfully introduces the podcast, but it’s really designed to help you wind down. That’s why the intro’s around twenty minutes long, or ten to twenty minutes long, so that it can be here to keep you company as you drift off or while you do some sort of bedtime routine. Like, a lot of listeners are doing something else, some other mild activity. I’d say that probably right now, 40% of listeners just put their phones down after Googling turtle wax. You could always do it tomorrow; you don’t gotta do it now. So, the intro just gives us some distance from the day and helps you wind down. Now, there is a small percentage of listeners that skip the intro.

 

There’s a small percentage of listeners that fall asleep during the intro, but most people are getting comfortable or unwinding or getting ready for bed, or waking up and turning the podcast on. There’s no wrong way to use the podcast. It’s just built in a certain way just because of the linear nature of stuff we send out, so…and just what works for most people. But again, you could change it up. But yeah, the intro’s kinda like landing at bedtime, a slow going in. So, that’s the intro, then there’s business so the show’s free. Then there’s our story. Tonight it’ll be our episodically modular series, Tales of Lady Witchbeard. Oh boy, will it be meandering and superfluous.

 

That’ll be the bedtime story part, and then there’s thank-yous at the end. So, that’s the structure of the show, that’s why I make the show, and that’s why I’m glad you’re here. I really hope, I really work hard, I really yearn and I…I’m so glad you’re here, really. Like I said, out of…I don’t know what the percentages of people the podcast works for versus doesn’t, versus people that just don’t…some people just don’t like the style of the show or the sound of my voice, and that’s totally okay, too. Or, anything, so you could always check out sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou if the show doesn’t work for you. But yeah, I’m glad you’re here. I work really hard, and I yearn and I strive. I really want to help you fall asleep, and here’s the ways I’m able to do it for you for free twice a week.

 

[End of recording]

Transcription performed by LeahTranscribes

All Intros

 

Rorschach Test

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7077865/

https://www.inkblotanalytics.com/blog/a-brief-history-of-the-rorschach

https://www.theguardian.com/science/2017/feb/21/rorschach-test-inkblots-history

 

Laser Pointers

https://melmagazine.com/en-us/story/a-dazzling-history-of-the-laser-pointer

https://www.photonics.com/Articles/A_History_of_the_Laser_1960_-_2019/a42279

https://ethos3.com/the-history-of-the-laser-pointer/

 

Zubaz Pants

https://www.wsj.com/articles/zubaz-the-garish-striped-pants-of-the-90s-are-back-1543850234

https://buffalonews.com/news/local/history/zubaz-the-chic-90s-trend-buffalo-claimed-as-a-defining-fashion/article_2c9afff7-3268-5433-bdf5-1c8db40f4b90.html

https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/27813/brief-history-zubaz

 

Turtle Wax

https://www.turtlewax.com/pages/our-story

https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/31043/why-turtle-wax-called-turtle-wax

https://blog.consumerguide.com/turtle-wax-bottles-through-the-years-a-gallery/

 

DOWN TO BUSINESS

There’s a dog snoring silently behind me

Koa sleeps through my talking all day long

 

PLUGS

Sleep With Me Plus; SleepPhones; Story Only Feed; Emily Tat Artwork; Crisis Textline

 

SPONSORS

AAA+; Helix Sleep; Zocdoc; Progressive; AquaTru; Talkiatry; Quince

 

INTRO

988

I guess it could be feelings or scheduling changes

Rorschach Test

Bore-schach Test

I associate most things with R&B/Hip Hop from the late 80s

Glamorizing Filler Words

The space words are more for me than anything else

“Person Solves Worldwide Sleep Issues By Just Being Himself”

Imagining the Podcast that Does work for Everyone

A pointless meander with some general direction

There’s no pressure to be anything here

Maybe one day we’ll be Bore-Besties

It’s a malleable structure for listeners

A List of Wind Down Activities

Staring at the Ceiling as Hobby

I’m note at home right now, and it’s throwing off my routine

I’m A Dim Person on a Dimmer Switch

 

STORY

989

Did I get mixed up again?

Repetitive Thoughts

The kind of voice you can’t forget about, but you don’t really listen to it

Oh boy, have you tried that new fabric?

Laser Stretch? Isn’t that just lycra and cotton

Pre-Stretched by Lasers

A Remnant of Lasers: A Space Ranger Memoir

My Life as a Laser Pointer Connector

I’m a matchmaker for sentient laser pointers

I introduced particle colliders to super colliders

You can just keep me in the background

Most people don’t page through a magazine much anymore

My sense of humor is funny-like

Intentionally Barely Entertaining

I’ll be talking TNG but in a very boring way

Work Sneakers vs Dating Sneakers

The sneakerhead / barefoot runner romance

990

My thoughts started thinking right there

What are we gonna record tomorrow?

Future Recording Brain

Imaginary Hashtag Ranker .com

Zoom Life

Zoom Lyfe

Zuba Pants

Zubaz Pants in the colors of NFL Teams

I bet the Raiders were the most popular Zuba pant

Is that a listicle?

Zoo Tycoon Life

Unsurety and Tentative Feelings

Shoutouts to every decade

Is that a creaky door or just a human chattering on?

You already know Scooter

Zuba pants would be great for right now

Beverly Hills Cop

The Never Ending Intro

A misremembering of an Eddie Murphy movie

Eddie Murphy showing a lotta range

Zumba Classes

Something like a non sequitur

I know how it feels after dark, but not like that

991

Feelings that have just appeared right there

Shoutout to up to the 12th Shifts

Polishing the Safe Space

When was the last time I talked about Turtle Wax?

My father was a big turtle wax proponent

Do Turtles polish their shells?

Turtle-Friendly Turtle Wax

Would a turtle wax his shell for mating season? Not necessary

Wide Awake between 12 and 5:15

My usual strategies weren’t working

A Very Specific (Yet Flexible) Structure

Mild Activity

Some people just don’t like the style of the show

 

SUMMARY:

Episode: 1457

Title: Turtle-Friendly Turtle Wax | All Intros 988 – 991 for 4th of July

Plugs: Sleep With Me Plus; SleepPhones; Story Only Feed; Emily Tat Artwork; Crisis Textline

Sponsors: AAA+; Helix Sleep; Zocdoc; Progressive; AquaTru; Talkiatry; Quince

Notable Language:

• 988
• Bore-schach Test
• Malleable
• Ceiling-Staring Hobbyist (CSH)
• 989
• New Fabrics
• Laser Stretch
• 990
• Future Recording Brain
• #ZoomLife
• Zoo Tycoon Life
• Listicle
• Unsurety
• After Dark
• 991
• Turtle-Friendly Turtle Wax
• A Very Specific (Yet Flexible) Structure
• Mild Activity

 

Notable Culture:

• • 988
  • Rorschach Test

• Tales of Lady Witchbeard

• • 989
  • A Remnant of Lasers: A Space Ranger Memoir

• My Life as a Laser Pointer Connector

• Star Trek: The Next Generation

• 990

• • ImaginaryHashtagRanker.com
  • Zoom

• Zuba: The Prequel

• • Zubaz
  • NFL
  • Zoo Tycoon

• Beverly Hills Cop

• • Zumba
  • 991
  • Turtle Wax

• Tales of Lady Witchbeard

 

Notable Talking Points:

• • 988
  • I guess it could be feelings or scheduling changes
  • Rorschach Test
  • Bore-schach Test
  • I associate most things with R&B/Hip Hop from the late 80s
  • Glamorizing Filler Words
  • The space words are more for me than anything else
  • “Person Solves Worldwide Sleep Issues By Just Being Himself”
  • Imagining the Podcast that Does work for Everyone
  • A pointless meander with some general direction
  • There’s no pressure to be anything here
  • Maybe one day we’ll be Bore-Besties
  • It’s a malleable structure for listeners
  • A List of Wind Down Activities
  • Staring at the Ceiling as Hobby
  • I’m note at home right now, and it’s throwing off my routine
  • I’m A Dim Person on a Dimmer Switch
  • 989
  • Did I get mixed up again?
  • Repetitive Thoughts
  • The kind of voice you can’t forget about, but you don’t really listen to it
  • Oh boy, have you tried that new fabric?
  • Laser Stretch? Isn’t that just lycra and cotton
  • Pre-Stretched by Lasers
  • A Remnant of Lasers: A Space Ranger Memoir

• My Life as a Laser Pointer Connector

• • I’m a matchmaker for sentient laser pointers
  • I introduced particle colliders to super colliders
  • You can just keep me in the background
  • Most people don’t page through a magazine much anymore
  • My sense of humor is funny-like
  • Intentionally Barely Entertaining
  • I’ll be talking TNG but in a very boring way
  • Work Sneakers vs Dating Sneakers
  • The sneakerhead / barefoot runner romance
  • 990
  • My thoughts started thinking right there
  • What are we gonna record tomorrow?
  • Future Recording Brain
  • Imaginary Hashtag Ranker .com
  • Zoom Life
  • Zoom Lyfe
  • Zuba Pants
  • Zubaz Pants in the colors of NFL Teams
  • I bet the Raiders were the most popular Zuba pant
  • Is that a listicle?
  • Zoo Tycoon Life
  • Unsurety and Tentative Feelings
  • Shoutouts to every decade
  • Is that a creaky door or just a human chattering on?
  • You already know Scooter
  • Zuba pants would be great for right now

• Beverly Hills Cop

• The Never Ending Intro
• A misremembering of an Eddie Murphy movie
• Eddie Murphy showing a lotta range
• Zumba Classes
• Something like a non sequitur
• I know how it feels after dark, but not like that
• 991
• Feelings that have just appeared right there
• Shoutout to up to the 12th Shifts
• Polishing the Safe Space
• When was the last time I talked about Turtle Wax?
• My father was a big turtle wax proponent
• Do Turtles polish their shells?
• Turtle-Friendly Turtle Wax
• Would a turtle wax his shell for mating season? Not necessary
• Wide Awake between 12 and 5:15
• My usual strategies weren’t working
• A Very Specific (Yet Flexible) Structure
• Mild Activity
• Some people just don’t like the style of the show