1429 – Nanofeather Baseball | Nothing Works, Everything Happens Ep 3

Episode 1429 – Nanofeather Baseball | Nothing Works, Everything Happens Ep 3

 

SCOOTER: Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s time for the podcaster who’s here to keep you company and take your mind off of stuff, to be your friend in the deep, dark night, to read you a story, to tell you a tale, to just hang out with you and talk in a gentle, meandering, friendly way, a way that’s somewhat real, somewhat surreal, but really well intentioned. So, if you're new, this show is a bit different. Just hang out, give it a few tries, see how it goes. I’m just here to be a mild distraction in the deep, dark night, a friendly voice to help you out if I can, but I’ll give it my best try. So, yeah, let’s see, what else do you need to know? If you're a regular listener, you're coming back after a break or something, well, good to see you. Come on in, or look from afar or be in-between far and near, whatever’s comfortable for you. I’m glad you're here. What we got coming up is…It’s a tale, man.

 

I’m here to keep you company and take your mind off of stuff, to be your friend in the deep, dark night, your bore-friend, your bore-bae, your bore-sib, your neighbore…oh, wait, that’s…part’s later in the show. I’m already excited, so don't…I’m so excited to put you to sleep, I forgot what I was supposed to be talking about. So, now I’ll reform…not reformat; not reformulate. Slow it down, almost pause. I can’t quite pause too much, 'cause too much of a pause…people think the show stopped or something. So, that’s…we really…a little behind the scenes. Every pause you hear in the show is thought about when I’m recording it, when someone’s editing it, and then when we’re proof-listening to the edits. I say, okay…I mean, we don't spend too much time thinking about it 'cause all of us have worked on the show for too long, but we know the right amount of pause, hopefully, and sometimes we’re wrong. So, our dramatic pauses are a little bit shorter. So, welcome.

 

I hope you get this is supposed to be a little bit silly but friendly. So, what we got coming up is support, like the sponsors, or supporting the show directly. It really comes down to people that listen all the time, the podcast consistently makes their life better. So, if it doesn't consistent…if it isn't a consistent part of your routine, you don't have to worry about it. The show, because of those people that take action, is free for everybody that’s an occasional listener or situational listener or not in a place to support the show or support the sponsors. Now, there are free ways to help the show out if you're an occasional listener or new; follow the podcast in the podcast app of your choice, make sure to listen in a dedicated podcast app, try to listen to your bedtime podcasts in one app and then your daytime podcasts in another. You could test that out. You could comment or whatever, if your app allows that to say hi, or you could let somebody know about the show, just let somebody know about the podcast or podcasting in general or what you like about podcasts.

 

That’ll help people discover podcasts and this podcast. But letting one person know about the podcast, whether it’s in person or online, it’s a huge, huge help. Don't underestimate it. The best part is that you're helping other…you're helping someone else out. Hopefully you get some sleep, too, or introduce the show to somebody that it’ll be of use to, and I appreciate it. So…oh yeah, then we’ll have the support, then we’ll have a long, meandering intro, though this teaser…the beginning’s become a meandering beginning. Then I’ll read you a couple tales from a little crossover show we’re doing, a little sci-fi crossover, and then, yeah, all told, we’ll be here about a hour. I’m really glad you're here, and if this podcast has changed your life and continues to change your life for the better, if you could please consider supporting one of these sponsors or checking out Sleep With Me+, it’d be a huge benefit to you and everybody else that listens, too. Thanks.

 

Intro: Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake.

 

That could be thoughts, thoughts about the past, the present, the future, thoughts you're thinking about, it could be feelings, anything coming up for you emotionally related to thoughts about the past, the present, the future, thoughts that are…or feelings that are just making a bedtime appearance or a middle-of-the-night appearance, or feelings related to something that’s come up in any of those situations, physical sensations, changes in time, temperature, routine, you could be traveling, you could have guests, you could be caring for someone or a pet, you could be going through something, maybe they're going through something, maybe you got something big coming up, I don't know, maybe you work a different schedule, maybe it’s something else. Whatever it is, the only reason I run through that stuff is so you know you're not alone, and I mean that in the most open way I possibly can…I don't know if I can quite put it into words, but I don't mean it like in a…in a indirect…directly indirect way.

 

I mean, regular listeners kinda understand. But if you're new or you just listen once in a while, whatever it is that brought you here has brought other people here, or something very similar, and most of the time, for most of us, it’s something that’s not quite pleasant. There are times where you can't sleep because it’s pleasant, but even then you're like, well, I’d rather get to sleep so I could enjoy what it is I’m anticipating. Or, you know, okay, well, on the other side of this, I’m gonna try to get some good sleep. But most of the time we don't arrive at sleep podcasts at our best or because of the best of circumstances. It could be something situational or it could be something lifelong or somewhere in-between that brought you here, right? I know what it’s like for me, and that’s the whole reason I…this show came out of my childhood insomnia which shifted and went away and then came back in another form, and then my relationship with sleep has evolved but it’s never become…I never idealize my sleep cycle, right?

 

There’s a lot of feelings around that, and that’s why I tested out making the show a long time ago and stuck with it, and that’s what we relate on. Even if you're going through something that…you're like, no, Scoots, there’s no way you could relate to what I’m dealing with, I’d say, okay….and even if I can't relate to the circumstances or the feelings, there is someone else listening; there’s enough people listening around the world that there is someone else listening right now who does care about it, who can relate to it, who can see you, and they're sending you well wishes right now. This isn't just something I say. This is something I know; there is someone in the world right now listening who gets where you're at, and they're kinda breathing and holding this space of this podcast for you, this welcoming presence, because the podcast helped them out when they didn't think anything else would help, and they had no idea. What…this show is not gonna help me.

 

It couldn't…what is this guy going on about? This show just happened to be the thing that helped them out. They want to welcome you here and they hope it helps you, because they know exactly or very closely what it is that brought you here, and they hope the show can help you or introduce you to something else that can, that can offer you some relief and comfort, and that one day, if you because a regular listener, if the podcast…you become one of those people that…the podcast does change your life for the better on a regular basis, you could be one of those people in bed getting comfortable, welcoming a new listener, and sending them that same positive welcome, those well wishes, thinking fondly of them, saying, yeah, I’m glad you're here; I hope the show can help you like it helped me.

 

Because in the end it’s about you getting the rest you need so your life is better tomorrow, and consistently better if you're getting the rest you need on a regular basis, and having a bedtime you don't have to dread, that you could look forward to or at least feel neutral about. Yeah, I’m glad that I can try to do that in the way I can, 'cause if you're in the world flourishing down the road because you're getting the rest you need, that means our entire world’s a better place. We need you in this world. We do. So, the way I make the show, though, is I send my voice across the deep, dark night. I use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, and superfluous tangents. So, I go off topic, I get mixed up, then I forget what I was talking about, then I’ll repeat myself, then I’ll go back…those are pointless meanders. Creaky, dulcet tones means my voice is not traditionally soothing, though there are maybe soothing elements to it. It’s a friendly voice.

 

Now, the other thing is — I kinda alluded to this earlier — most people don't get here when they're at their best. So, if you get here, you're new, I do really mean you're welcome, and that liking me and the show is totally optional. I’m not here to pressure you to like the show. I’m not here to pressure you to fall asleep or to like me. I hope those things happen, but it kinda takes some time to develop a relationship with a bedtime sleep…a sleep podcast. So, most people get here…they're skeptical, they're doubtful, they're frustrated, they're tired, they're cranky, and at first they don't like this show. That’s what hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of thousands of people have told me; when I first got here, I didn't like you, and then the second time I was annoyed. Like, what is this? I thought this was a sleep podcast. These are the people that pay for the free podcasts so it stays free. Then on the third try, they just woke up the next day and they said, oh, now I get it. He is always going nowhere.

 

The podcast is always never getting started. I had no idea. Oh, okay. So, that just takes some getting used to. So, give it a few tries and see how it goes. If on the second or third try you discover, nah, I just don't like you, or, no, the show doesn't help me or it’s just not my taste, or I just don't know, I’ve listened three times, or you already know now, go to sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou, and there’s other sleepy stuff on there, right, and sleep podcasts on there. So, you could still find something to help you out and put you to sleep. Let’s see, what else do you need to know? This is a podcast you just barely listen to. I think we kinda talked about that somewhat. It’s like a out-of-focus picture or a TV on in the other room, a show streaming under your pillow, or something you're not really paying attention to. My dog Koa, she likes…I mean, I say she watches TV, but really, she listens to TV.

 

I mean, some people say dogs have no taste, which is…I mean, I think like taste-makers say that, right? Oh, the dogs, they don't have any taste. I don't know what that means 'cause I’m not…I think Koa has good taste. Not only does she have taste; I think she has good taste. But so, she likes the TV on unless I’m in the room with her. Even when I’m in the room with her, she prefers…because of those years where we lived at home, she prefers me to be always…she’s always by my side. But that’s just not always the case. In the cast, she lets me have a TV feel on, 'cause she just likes the sound, and she likes only particular shows, one of which is the Addams Family, but we’ve tried out other shows, too. I’m not…I mean, I’m pretty…Bob Ross is another one, and we're trying out Rick Steves just starting today.

 

So, you picked a fateful day to listen to the show, because Koa just started…she watched…watched…she slept through three episodes of Rick Steves earlier, though I was down here working. So, we’ll see. I mean, I liked it. I was like, this is soothing me. So, it’s…she’s not really…'cause people will say…I mean, they don't…they say, your dog watches TV? I say, oh man, okay, you're not gonna get it, huh? She doesn't actually watch TV. She’s a dog. I mean, come on. I’m not like…and they say, you were gonna say you're not delusional, Scoots? Come on, I know…they say, okay, but you're the one that said your dog watch…okay, you got me. You really do. I think it’s just easier to say my dog watches TV versus…it’s too many words. Even though I make a sleep pod…I turn on the TV so my dog can listen to something that’s…replicates my presence, Addams Family being the number-one thing. She just…and she does…probably it’s Uncle Fester. I’m not Morticia or Gomez, you know?

 

I mean, I’m like…yeah, I guess if she was writing in her journal, she’d say he’s one part Lurch, one part It, and one part…who was that? Uncle Fester. I mean, I believe…maybe…I mean, I think I have the curiosity of Pugsley and Wednesday, and…but yeah, I don't know. We’ll leave that for Koa…when Koa makes her big speech about me. So, anyway, what was I talking about? Oh, it’s a podcast you don't really listen to, like a TV on in the other room or like a friend you call and you say, hey, talk to me…can you…? That was just like a mini-episode; could you tell me about your…? I heard your dog watches TV. You got a hour to tell me about it? I mean, I’m not actually gonna pay attention. I’ll probably fall asleep, but could you tell me about it? Yeah, sure. Oh, I’d love to. So, yeah, that’s what I mean when I say my dog watches TV, in summary, and that this is a podcast you don't really listen to. That just takes a little bit of getting used to. This is also a sleep podcast that does not put you to sleep.

 

There is no pressure to fall asleep with the show, no pressure to fall asleep. That’s why the episodes are over an hour. That’s why there’s 600+ episodes in the free version of the podcast, the listener, ad-supported version, so you don’t have to worry. I’ll be here, because my job is not to put you to sleep. My job is to be here for you, to keep you company and be a mild distraction, a friendly voice, so maybe you fall asleep at some point or if you can't sleep at all. Because there are people listening who can't sleep at all, there’s people listening who wake up in the middle of the night, there’s people who need a break during the day or work different shifts or different jobs when they need something like this, just like Koa needs it. Not the podcast; she gets too much of it. I’ve tried it. It doesn't work. If dogs could roll their eyes, she’d…I mean, she did listen to it for a while. I think she just likes…she says, you know what’s more like you? The Addams Family.

 

Then she goes, yeah, you're the same person the podcast, but when we get right down to it, what’s…'cause dog’s are more…maybe she relates to my insides. She’s like, yeah, that’s what your insides are like, and that’s what I can see. That’s what I love as your dog. What I love most about you — I see you in the Addams Family. Wow, a love story. Really, is that phobos? What type of love is that? Anyway…wow, Koa, I really feel appreciated. Too bad it’s a figment of my imagination version of you, but I get it now. I get it. That’s why you like the Addams Family? No, no, I was kidding. It’s just really funny. Yeah, I just like the humor. Oh. And the acting and the voices. Oh, okay. So, the other stuff you said…well, this isn't really Koa. It’s you. Oh. Oh, but yeah,  so…and my job’s not to put you to sleep.

 

It’s to be your friend, your bore-friend, your bore-bae, your neigh-bore, your bore-bud, your bore-bae, your bore-sib, your bore-cuz, your bore-bestie, your bore-bie, your boreman, your Boris Borelaf, chairman of the boreds, your best bore-friend f’eva, to just hang out with you and keep you company while you fall asleep. So, that’s really what I’m here to do, be your bore-friend, hang out with you. The only other thing you need to know if you're new or you're coming back after a long break…we don't really change anything about the podcast, or we haven't in quite a long time, but I’ll just give you a quick rundown of the structure of the show so you know what to expect, and then if you become a regular listener and you want to adjust how you listen, you know your options. But this listener, sponsor-supported version of the podcast is the version that helps the most people because paying for it’s optional, right?

 

It starts off with a greeting; friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, so you say, okay, I feel seen and welcomed. I’ll check that show out. Then there’s support. So, if you prefer something without ads or the podcast changes your life, consider supporting the show or the sponsors. Otherwise you don't gotta worry about it. The people that benefit the most will have you covered. Then after the support, totally separate from the support, is a show within a show, the intro to the podcast, which we're already fifteen to twenty minutes into, where I introduce what the podcast is but in a familiar structure, but every time I go off topic about something new, or you reveal new information. It’s not breaking news that Koa watches the Addams Family. But I don't know if we’ve had such a in-depth, imaginary conversation about it, either. So, yeah, that’s what happens when you…every intro is different so that…it’s always different.

 

Whatever keeps us awake can't predict what the intro’s gonna be like. It knows it’s gonna be reassuring and familiar, but it’s gonna be different every time. But the intro is not designed to put you to sleep. It may put a few, small percentage of people asleep, but for most people the intro is what eases you into bedtime. So, people are getting ready for bed, they're in bed getting comfortable, or they're winding down, petting their pets, doodling, crocheting, looking out the window, lying on the floor, reading through something, paging through something, whatever it is to ease into bedtime, to have a buffer and a wind down. That’s what works for me. That’s what I’ve heard works…what I’ve read works, is getting eased into bedtime. So, that’s what…that’s why I make the show, right? Or the intro, is…like, if you prefer something without intros, there’s Bedtime Stories from Sleep With Me in every podcast app, or on Sleep With Me+ there’s tons of story-only versions.

 

But most people like this part 'cause it’s kinda when we hang out. It’s a little bit of the slumber party before we go to sleep. Then after the intro will be a little support, then we’ll…tonight I’ll be doing a couple reading reinterpretations from Nothing Works, Everything Happens. Yeah, all told, I’ll be here a bit over an hour to just hang out with you and help you fall asleep. So, thanks again for coming by, and if this podcast regularly makes your life better, if it’s a part of your routine, please consider supporting one of these sponsors or just supporting the show directly so we can be here for you and for…most people listen about…most people who it makes regular life better, you listen about ten times more than a regular listener. So, when you support the show, you're helping ten other people out that only listen when they're really having a tough time. So, thanks.

 

Alright, this is the next story from Nothing Works, Everything Happens. This story is called Baseball. Where are you, Henry? Maud shouted, not taking her eyes away from the view outside her window. She clung tightly to the floral-patterned curtain, covering half her face as she stared. Down here; just looking for a Phillips head, Maud’s husband, Henry, shouted up from the basement. Maud sneered out the window. Sneering sound effect. Big band swing hits played on the small transistor radio that lived on the top of their refrigerator. Maud shifted to one side, obscuring her face a little more behind the curtain. Honey, could you bring a bag up…bring up that old baseball bat of yours, would you? Leave it by the back door, please, she said in a whispered shout. What? A bit louder, called Henry up from the basement. The baseball bat. The bat used in the game of baseball. Bring it up, Maud yelled louder. Okay, Henry responded.

 

Out the window and across the yard, there was an unfamiliar car and a moving van. It parked inches from one another in order to fit in the neighbor’s driveway. Possible sigh from Maud. Two young men dressed in brown coveralls and matching hats were unloading items from both vehicles and carrying them into the house next door; expensive-looking lamps — really — carved, wooden bowls — ooh, hoity-toity — and a universal seat insert that could install in any size shower. Interesting. Ignoring the two young men were an older man and woman who paced on either side of the driveway. They both held smartphones far away from their faces and shouted into them as they moved back and forth. Gotcha on speaker, Maud said to herself, and chuckled. But it wasn’t the speaker, 'cause the devices responded in loud, tinny, synthesized female voices. The conversations mangled into a cacophony of talking over one another with no regard to volume.

 

Neither of the older pair had lifted a single item from the vehicles. One shouted about internet service; the other about food delivery. Both conversations went in circles as the voices inside the smartphones made incorrect assumptions about what their operators wanted to achieve. So, what’s this for, then? Henry asked. He came from behind Maud, gently touching her shoulder, and then offering her the baseball bat. I said leave it by the back door. She shooed him away from the view of the new neighbors. What are you doing? He asked. Look at them, Maud whispered. They’ve been yammering into their phones separately for half an hour. They haven't said a single word to each other or to those young men moving all their J-U-N-K. Henry shrugged. It’s more of those darn, darn, darn-it-all AI people. They use it for everything. They couldn't even use the WC and wash their hands without it reminding them to. How thoughtless. How dependent, and I don't trust them. Henry laughed.

 

He looked down at the bat in his hand. He was swinging it like he was gonna have a good…he was like, well, maybe I’ll play a little indoor baseball here. But that probably would ruin our lamps. Maud…he leaned in and made eye contact with her. She continued to leer out the window. I’m gonna try to…is this one of your competitive things again? You're not gonna play…? You're not gonna use their smartphones for this game, please. I don't trust AI people, Henry, Maud shouted. Huh. Henry set the bat down against the windowsill. He tapped on the windowpane loudly and waved at the new neighbors as they looked towards the sound. They're the same age as we are, dear. You don't need to be competitive with them. I don't think any of us are in baseball shape, and we’re not playing baseball with their smartphones. Then there was an interlude in the story. As narrator, I’m letting you know.

 

By the way, returning from our short interlude or pausing it or whatever you wish to do, the neighbor’s name was Barbara. Barbara was a writer for an outdoor magazine, though after two weeks, Maud had not seen so much of a hiking boot by the front door. Barbara’s husband, as far as Maud could tell, he was a loafer, L-O-A-F-E-R. I mean, he may be retired, semi-retired. L-A-Z-Y. Yeah, I gotta spell these out, Maud said to herself. It didn't matter. His name was Thom, with an extra H, or Thomas without the -as, though she might have added it on, she giggled to herself. Barbara and Thom, T-H-O-M or T-H-O-M, no -as, were a pair of those AI people. Now, Barbara had always had these AI-generated good-morning greetings, something different every day. She spewed them as though they were a reasonable replacement for personality, as if turning a simple ‘hello’ into a fresh, daily mush of words made her interesting. Hi, there. Good morning.

 

Wishing you a day filled with small victories, steady focus, and the occasional joyful surprise. Oh, P off, Barbara. Maud locked her back door and dashed towards her car. May I inquire with a question? Where are you off to? Barbara asked, ignoring Maud’s urgency. I’m going to work, Barbara, Maud replied. Oh, got you. My little friend, Flim-Flam JQZ here. Barbara held up her smartphone and shook it in the air. It already helped me draft this month’s feature article, so I have the rest of the day off. In her other hand Barbara held a negroni in a fancy tumbler. That, too, she held up and waved around for Maud to see. It was 10:00 a.m. The ice clinked against the glass. Maud ground her teeth. Yeah, well, I saw last month’s article, and it was steaming, and I don't mean in a good way. Maud lowered herself into the driver’s seat and shut the car door. The engine spat and she backed out of the drive at speed.

 

Another week later, after another interlude that the narrator forgot to mention…if you need him, interlude him. If you enter him, lude him. If you need to interlude, interlude…get interludy with it. But back from our interlude, another week later, after the moving trucks had stopped coming and going, after seven more mornings of vapid, cheery greetings, Maud and her husband Henry were preparing dinner. Henry hummed along happily to the swing music on the little radio. Maud chopped onions. Can't chop dungeons, by the way. You could; you could design your onions into a dungeon for the game. We really aught to invite them for dinner one evening, Henry said as he did a little twirl and opened the refrigerator. Scoot, did you ski-doo? I loathe them, Henry, Maud urged. I know, dear, I know. We don't have to be best friends or anything, but it’s the neighborly thing to do. Remember when Ms. Hana…? Oh, Hana; Ms. Hana. Sorry, time passes.

 

Ms. Hana had us over when we first moved in. He reached into the fridge and presented a bottle of white wine to Maud, raising his eyebrows. Would the miss prefer this for ze dinner? Sure, she muttered to the wine, not the AI shlock people. Oh dear, Henry chuckled. He poured them both a glass. This is a chateau store brand, 20….current date. Oh, dear. They can't even make a conversation, Maud continued. Have you tried speaking with the Thom one? An H in his name. Well, he is a little distracted, Henry appeased her, continuing to hum along with the music, hum, hum, humming to the music I am, I as Henry. The wife already has me mad before we even get to hello. Maud scraped her onions into a sizzling pan. Hm, Henry nodded as he looked out the window across the yard. Still, it’s the neighborly thing to do, he insisted. Maud stopped cooking and gave Henry a face. He was always chipper. He always inadvertently made her feel just a little guilty for having taste, good taste.

 

What he thought was an openness to the goodness of everything and everyone, she saw as a lack of commitment to any stance whatsoever. Fine, she said. Here you go, Mister Rogers. She grabbed a second onion from the pantry and slammed it down on the cutting board. Why don't you chop your own onions? She ordered. Then Maud turned and walked to the back door without a pause. I’ll invite him over right now for dinner tonight, right now. It’s the neighborly thing to friggin’ do. I’ll do it right this second. She slipped on her shoes and slammed the door as she left. That wooden baseball bat had been resting in the mudroom for the last three weeks, but as she slammed the door it fell over with a clang against the tiles. Oh, it is very cute in here. What a lovely home, Barbara said. She and Thom sat across from Maud and Henry at the small table in their dining room.

 

Plates of home-cooked food steamed in front of them. Everyone nodded politely to one another and began to eat. Thank you. We like things cozy, Henry lobbed back, offering Barbara a little bit…Barbara, more wine? Both Barbara and Thom’s smartphones were set face-down on the table besides…beside their meals. Out of politeness, Maud tried to avoid looking at them, their phones. Barbara’s phone dinged and she lifted one corner to peek at a notification, setting it back face-down quickly. Maud pinched up her nose and shifted in her chair. How are you two enjoying your new home? Maud asked. It’s very nice, wonderful, Barbara replied. Yep, wonderful. Very, very nice, Thom added. Maud paused a moment in case there was any more reflection to come. Deep stuff, she thought. There wasn't any more. And the neighborhood? She asked. Have you explored the area much? A little, Barbara answered.

 

Flim-Flam JQZ has the grocery store by the gas station as one of the cleanest in the entire state, so we had to see that for ourselves. She smiled pleasantly. It was pretty clean, Thom chuckled. Henry smiled at the guests and then at Maud. There was a lovely little bookstore just a ten-minute walk down the street. Really nice owners. They're happy for you to sit and browse as much as you like. Oh, that sounds nice, Barbara replied, nodding. She scooped mashed potatoes into her mouth. You do much reading, Thom? Henry asked, spurring on the conversation. Yeah, mostly on here, though. He picked up his smartphone and waved it in front of them, exactly as Barbara often did. Here, if you want to check this out…Thom flipped over his smartphone and swiped eight time until his arrived at a screen with an app icon that looked like a combination of a open book and a library. He shifted his chair awkwardly to show Henry what was on his screen.

 

Every book you could ever imagine is on here, pretty much. It auto-summarizes them, too. It can even read out loud. Total optimization, dude. Henry nodded. Maud noticed that the only book Thom currently had downloaded was How to Be Smart Using Flim-Flam JQZ for People That Aren't So Bright. She sucked in her lips to avoid saying anything. Henry, having noticed, too, gave him…gave her a subtle smile but shook his head to say…as if to say, don't, please. Maud sat back and threw out another easy one. Barbara, tell us about this month’s feature article, won't you? Yeah, absolutely. I mean, it’s one of my best, I think, Barbara said, still chewing a mouthful of food. [Mumbles] Anyway, she leaned forward excitedly. Now with a monthly feature, I often don't really have an idea, she explained, but that’s where my little friend comes in. She lifted her smartphone from the table and waved it. Thom gave an earnest smile and a nod to his wife.

 

So, this month, Barbara continued, I’m sitting at my desk, right, my writing desk, and I got nothing. Nothing’s being written at my writing desk. Everyone at the table listens intently as though Barbara’s story might actually be exciting. I’m just sitting there at my writing desk, not writing. Idea-less, write-less, and then I ask it, Flim-Flam, what’s something we could write about that takes sitting and nature and puts them together? You know what it came up with? Barbara moved her finger around the screen on her phone [inaudible] and then turned the screen to show everyone a draft of her article. The Hidden Spiritual Power of Sedentary Forest Bathing: Why Sitting is the New Hiking. I mean, how brilliant is that? Barbara finished. Both Maud and Henry’s mouths had fallen open. Henry was the first to realize it. He straightened up and nodded. It’s so cool, right? In Japan, I think they call it shinrinyoku. Barbara’s phone dinged a second time. Maud’s left eye shuddered. Heh, heh, heh.

 

Excuse me for a moment, Maud said with a smile. Her chair made a loud screech as she pushed it out from behind her and stood. As soon as she was out of the line of sight, Maud picked her pace up and climbed the stairs two at a time. She opened and closed the small door to the bathroom at the top of the stairs and then quietly tiptoed across the hall towards the guest bedroom. Maud headed straight for the old wooden nightstand that stood in the corner of the room, checking over her shoulder briefly. She gently pulled the nightstand out from the wall an inch or two. She reached down behind it. Things were too cramped for her to see what she was doing. She was trying to reach behind the nightstand. But Maud dug around among the things back there, including dust buddies, and she found a small plastic box. It had cables coming out of it. It was the wireless router. She yanked the cables out from the back of it and grinned maniacally. Ha, ha, ha.

 

I have the power of the data in this home, and the data. Then she tiptoed back to the bathroom, pried the door open quietly, and flushed the toilet before heading downstairs. Very pleased with myself. Oh, hey, so, we were just talking about…have you two heard the music that Flim-Flam can create? Barbara asked, swaying to the radio that Henry had put on in the background. Flim-Flam’s music is incredible. That’s incredible, you know. It’s impossible to tell that there aren’t real performers, Thom added. Maud sat back at the table and stared at her fried onions. She was gonna sit this one out. I don't think I’ve had the…have we have the pleasure, honey? No, I don't think we have, Henry said politely. Oh, you must. Pull it up on your phone, dear, said Barbara, tapping Thom’s arm repeatedly. Thom lifted his smartphone again and clicked around the screen. He looked confused. Huh, it looks like I don't have a data connection, he said. Oh, no? Oh, dear.

 

Ours has been acting a little funny lately, Maud said, but you should be able to reach just across the street, across the yard. You can't connect to your own home? Not powerful enough for your home? Oh, it’s…we haven't actually set ours up yet. It was a mix-up with the company, Thom said. Maud pursed her lips and stared at Henry. He knew that that meant Thom and Barbara had been getting their internet, which is just wide open. At this point in the evening, plates were getting empty, but Maud was fuming. Henry, with his eyes, begged her to play nice. She looked up at a corner in the ceiling and exhaled all too noticeably. Dramatic exhale while I think of something thoughtful. What exactly do you like other than…anything that’s totally unrelated to Flim-Flam ZBQ? Maud asked. I’m sorry? Barbara replied, scraping the gravy from under her plate and licking it with her fork. I mean, other than your magic internet brick there, what else do you like beyond that or its recommendations?

 

Not sure I follow you, Thom intervened to rescue Barbara. Okay, like, if you took your Flim-Flam box off my dining room table and threw it into Mount Doom or some…are you familiar with Mount Doom, the place with the rings? Mordor? There’s lava there. What if lava did away with your phones and Flim-Flam forever? What would we talk about in that particular case? What would our conversation revolve around? Maud asked. Her tone was so transparently sarcastic it stung Henry’s ears. He placed a hand on her leg beneath the table. This caused Maud to add a big smile at the end of her question. Is everything okay, dear? Barbara asked. Everything’s fine, Barbara. I’m just asking you, before you talk to Flim-Cam KXB or whatever it was…before it was invented, before you had access to it, what sort of things did you and Thom like to do? What were you like before the computer did all your thinking for you? Yeah, it’s…our twenties were wild, so my memory’s…I don't think we…honey?

 

Well, we don't remember much from before then. It was good times, I could tell you, but I don't really remember. Thom, that’s okay. I feel like you're being a little bit R-U-D-E, which I could spell without checking my phone, based on your tone, Barbara said to Maud. Yeah, we’ve totally integrated Flim-Flam JQZ into our lives, and that’s fine. We like to talk about it a lot. But I got news for you; the train is leaving the station. Welcome to the real world, and I don't mean the TV show that used to be on twenty-five, thirty years ago. I’m talking about the real world. Flim-Flam exists in this world. The way of the world exists in this world or your world? Maud snapped back, pointing a finger at Barbara. Henry stood up. He raised his hand to his mouth and blew a deafening whistle. Okay, okay, what…hey, let’s all go outside and stretch…the weather’s great out there. Delightful, I’d even say. Let’s go outside and stretch our legs a bit. He gathered up everyone’s empty plates.

 

Maybe we’ll have a nice, little sneaky to-go glass, you know? Maud, we’ve got a secret path to the park back there. I’ll take the plates. Everyone smiled and calmed down. Maud stared at her plate. Barbara smiled at Thom. Then everyone nodded. I think that’s a great idea, Barbara said, smiling. Maud also forced a smile and stood up to help her husband clear the dinner dishes. She leaned over the table to collect Barbara and Thom’s wine glasses. Just then, despite having no internet connection, Barbara’s phone dinged for a third time. That’s it, Maud shouted. She dropped the wine glasses to the floor. It’s baseball time. I’m gonna play baseball with your phones. She headed towards the door where the baseball bat lay.

 

Alright, this is from Nothing Works, Everything Happens. Space Junk, Part 1. Which is funny, 'cause We Fix Space Junk is something we did, too. This is exciting. Alright, coming in here…yeah, we’ve got…it’s a small crew, three or four, I think. One of them has got a laser…it’s a toy laser beam? I don't know, super high-powered. Hopefully they know…point it at the ground. Then the comms clicked off as the message ended. XO/O smirked and reached for her belt. By the way, she said to the narrator, make sure they know it’s a forward slash. The narrator wondered in his head, is it a forward slash? But he trusted XO/O. She scanned her surroundings. Blue scan line emanated outward from her position. No heat signatures. Easy enough for them to cloak. She pulled a small metal container from her belt. Opening it delicately, XO/O released four tiny metal devices from the charcoal-colored protective foam padding inside the container. She clicked her tongue and the devices whirred to life.

 

All four of the devices could have fit on the end of her pinky finger. Each had its own tiny propulsion engine that lifted it out of the case and sent it spiralling outward. Sounds, of course, could be clicked, too, but these listeners weren't really something people used anymore, so she doubted anyone would think to. Her brother always praised her genius to be repurposing old technology like this. She was clever, a tinkerer, he’d say. Everyone has a blind spot, she’d reply. An interface appeared on her heads-up display, a small rectangle split into four quadrants, each showing a visual representation of an audio waveform. Her a tiny flying robots were listening, drawing a landscape around her from everything they heard. They could automatically filter out any ambient noise, and they were capture…that they were capturing; the engine, the systems beeping, the metal of the old ship twisting and clanking under the pressure of deep space.

 

XO/O watched with patience, not moving at all as she breathed. Controlled, deliberate, no extraneous effort until the moment she would do something, like a kitty cat pouncing like Ser Pounce, they would say. There was a bump in the bottom-left waveform. She waited. Another. It became a pattern; bump, flat line, bump, flatline. Someone’s breathing. She focused her gaze on that quadrant, and a small circle slowly filled as she stared. Once full, the circle expanded to show more specific data being captured by that listener. An arrow appeared in her peripheral vision, floating in the physical position of that specific bot. Down the hall and around the corner. She rolled back on her heels and pulled her self-made…it’s like a feather tickler thing, off her utility belt, like a feather duster but for tickling people or beings. It had a hand-carved wooden handle that fit her palm perfectly, a thick piece of yarn ran through a hole in the handle around her wrist in case she dropped it.

 

Attached to this long, shiny staff were not feathers but nano-feather…things called nano-feathers which looked like feathers but were actually manufactured feathers with nano…like feathers with feathers with feathers on them. Though not real feathers, she would have of course elaborated if she was the narrator. But they were called nano-feathers. But when someone like the narrator saw them, he said, well, they're regular size. Oh, they're…no, they're feathers on feathers on feathers. Those nano-feathers are the smallest feathers. Right, but these are feathers. Well, actually, sir, they're not feathers at all; they're nano-feathers, but they're regular size. No, sir, they're nano-feathers. Wait…I’m sorry. No, no, these are feathers. No, sir, they're not feathers. They're nano-feathers. Okay, so…anyway, do you have somebody else that could help me? Sir, I don't believe we do. Okay.

 

So she…but these…so, these were those nano-feathers, which I think you, as a reasonable listener, understand even if the narrator did not at the time. Sir, the store is called Nano-Feathers Only. Even on the bottom it says, we don't sell any real feathers here; just nano-feathers. Right, but these are feathers. These are feathers, feather-size. They're not nano. Moving on, sir. So, the feathers poofed out down the handle. They were dense, and much denser than the eye could see because they were nano-feathers. Her brother had always said that a nano-feather duster-like thing was an odd choice for someone so nimble, but she liked the idea. The reason he said that is 'cause believe it or not, the wind resistance and motion resistance on nano-feathers…they are not aerodynamic. Hence, therefore, making them nimble is extremely difficult, and that’s why…what her brother really meant. But she liked the feeling of forced…a challenge to her nimbleness.

 

She was smart about when to use the feather duster anyway, because either the wishing of it, the tickling of it, or the dusting of it…or the dust…it moves in the air…all gave her options. The auto-breathing thing that she had detected wasn't moving yet. It was down the hall and to the left. They were likely hiding somewhere, yet another game. Her smirk deepened. On the listening bots she initiated a self-destruct and then bolted down the hall. All four devices turned off and fell to the ground, and because they were made of very delicate plastic, they broke and made a lot of noise, which was a distraction. If you can't find a weakness, create one. Her brother, watching through the ship’s hacked security cameras and reading her instincts, began playing footsteps throughout the ship’s comms. They echoed down every corridor. Again, cloaking was always visual; light, heat, color, but XO/O liked sound. People always forgot how much they trusted their ears.

 

Now, before the person holding the high-powered laser pointer toy knew it, XO/O was there. One second he had been hiding behind a bulkhead on the far side of the room down the hall. Next there was something falling, then all these footsteps, and then there, on the back of his neck, just below his ear…you could call it the back side of his nape, there was a tickle, a sudden intense tickling, the kind of tickle that made his hand open up, and open up and drop his laser-pointer toy. Then the tickling kept…especially in that area, the nape, below the ear…suddenly he found himself giggling and laughing and falling to the floor in hysterics. His toy rolled away. The thing that no one tells you about being tickled with nano-feathers is some of them continue tickle…there’s the nano…it’s a scientific thing, because some of them are less than…whatever, you can only see them under an electron microscope.

 

They say that the tickling remains behind, and some pop knowledge says, oh, that’s because there’s some nano-ticklers left behind. The largest brand of nano-feathers that these were not were called nano-ticklers. Those feathers were particularly used after dark, nano-ticklers after dark, not general-purpose nano-feathers. It was a famous brand of nano-ticklers, and not to be confused with a case of the nano-tickles, which this was. A theory laid out contradicted the current pop-culture knowledge that when you were tickled with nano-feathers or a nano-tickler and you had a case of the nano tickles, the reason you continue to be ticklish after you were being tickled with the feathers or feather-like objects, nano-feathers, whatever, was because they were so small that some feathers remained tickling you. But this theory placed by some person for their thesis said, no, it’s something about…that the vibe…it’s some sort of sympathetic tickling vibration. No nano…no trace of nano-feathers remain.

 

But anyway, that’s a little bit about the case of the nano tickles. But so, this person was still on the floor laughing. Even XO/O continued down the hall, still in search of other people hiding, the symphony of footsteps on the intercom ended. Soon the ship was somewhat silent for a ship in space, as we’ve talked about before. XO/O tapped her ear. Laser pointers down, she updated her brother. Where are we with the others on the ship? Captain Nemu have…are getting ready to…they're almost ready to tickle. Why don't you head towards the cargo bay? Her brother replied. Okay. I got an idea. She signed off. She always kept low, even when running, her knuckles nearly touching her toes. She could never be too careful when on a ship hunting for people to be tickled, especially 'cause…there’s a whole other theory about laser pointers tickling, that this person…that certain high-powered laser pointers can actually cause tickling.

 

But she hadn’t been tickled 'cause the person dropped their laser pointer. When you're on some sort of tickle contest like this, this was their ship. They had the home field advantage. They knew where to hide. Even with her instincts and skill, she did not underestimate any opposition in this contest, if you could call it a contest. XO/O arrived at the hallway that ended with massive doors labelled Cargo Bay. Rather than bursting through the doors and joining Captain Nemu and evening out the numbers, she looked up and searched for an access panel. Cargo bays were always where things started. The arriving at the cargo, the leaving of the cargo, the arriving of people sneaking in through the cargo, or whatever it is. That’s where the cargo stuff happened, in the cargo bay. Also a lot of romances, hand-holding, fun games when you're bored in-between cargo deliveries and shipments. A lot of fun happens in the cargo bay during the day and after dark. Also, how do you determine that on a ship?

 

Ship’s rules, probably. Maybe…I don't know. Maybe I’ve never been invited to any cargo bay after-dark parties with nano-ticklers or not. But anyway, I’m supposed to be narrating this story. The cargo doors always needed to be sealed, because some people had sent…some people would send in to do…fixing the doors or you'd have to deal with who was in there, or you had to find an alternate way to get to the cargo. On this ship, a barely noticeable tiny red exclamation mark marked the access panel. XO/O popped a multi-tool off her belt and quickly removed the bolts that held the panel on the wall. It popped off silently. She placed it on the floor. XO/O, excuse me, climbed in and smiled again and found a hatch leading to another hatch. She was enjoying this. Now, unfortunately she’d have to leave her tickler, nano-tickler on a stick, and her gear here. It was a tight fit even for her. But she had picked up that laser pointer, and she stuck it in her pocket and shimmied her way down the corridor.

 

Her movements were still fluid, nearly hypnotic as she went along the crawlspace until she reached a ladder. She pulled the laser pointer out of her hand and pointed it in front of her as she climbed. It wasn't on at this point, though. At the top was an even larger exclamation icon, and the words read out, Exit. Now this time, the symbol was as tall as she was. E-X-I-T. But this was reinforced with much larger bolts, so removing this panel took more time. She moved them one by one, setting them down gingerly on the floor to avoid making any sound. The panel was heavy. She didn't want it to slide along the floor, so she lifted it off and placed it down gently. This left a sizable gap in the wall that looked out onto the cargo bay from above. XO/O took a moment to relish it. She loved the rush of…she loved this game. She took her laser pointer and slowly started to aim it with her fingers through the gap she had created in the wall panels. Then she noticed that it had nano features, so something folded out of it.

 

Oh, an infrared scope, she whispered to herself. She was scanning the cargo bay for anyone to tickle. The large room was surprisingly quiet, as though a stalemate had set in and everyone had taken a break. Every minute or two you could see whooshing things flying across the room, which were these…kind of a soft version of a shuttlecock with even more feathers, nano-feathers, which if aimed perfectly could sweep by someone, and the feathers could brush them and start them laughing, which would obviously score you a point. But it was very unlikely. Those could be thrown, tossed, or with a bow…it’s a bow and a…it sounds ridiculous when I say it, but it’s just what they called it. They called it a feathercock, 'cause instead of a shuttlecock…I don't know. But you’d say, oh, I’ve got a bow and a feathercock, and it was just as a part of this game. They were covered with this softness on the front.

 

Actually, with the ones…the feathercocks that you would use with a bow, what it would do is if it hit you, the pillow part would hit you and then the feathers would…the forward momentum would push the feathers into you, causing you to be tickled. But if you had…oh, sometimes this game was played with…in bathing suits, so you had a more tickleable area. Sometimes not. It could be a challenge. Anyway, there was no one there, but there were feathercocks and other flying feather things, even though they were just nano-feathers, again, not real feathers, and also laser beams, which again, are different than the laser beams we would know of, but they're the same…but laser beams with the ability to tickle you, which I guess isn't that hard to understand. I mean, I don't know anything…I don't know what the wavelengths…I think that’s what the movie Real Genius was about. They were trying to invent a tickle ray, but that was a long, long time ago.

 

Okay, so there’s…she was watching stuff going back and forth, but nothing was landing. No one was laughing. So, she touched her ear to switch channels. Captain? This is your captain. Where are you? Came the captain’s response. I am in the wall, far wall, right behind these laser ticklers. I’m actually looking right at them. You have something that could tickle from afar? The captain asked. Yeah, I got something off one of them. It’s fancy, though. I think it’s like a nano-forming device or something. It’s got a couple buttons on it, so I’m not sure what the buttons do. I think…I’m afraid it’s gonna tickle…maybe it’s got some sort of…one of those things…if you take it, it tickles you. This was a stream coming out of XO/O’s replies. She did have to take everything into account. Okay, hold on one second, said the captain.

 

XO/O floated the scope across the room away from the other…the people she was looking at right now, and then she saw a shadow dart out from behind some large metal crates and dive behind a bulwark a few yards away. Okay, on three, give them lasers from all directions. Shuttlecocks, shuttle balls, everybody. This is your captain speaking. One, two, and on three the room lit up as Nemu and the captain tossed feathercocks across…and XO/O whizzed ticklish laser beams around them but not on them, kind of on the opposite side of their position. Her brother’s voice played through the ship’s intercom, garbled and lowered to give it some extra gravitas. We have you surrounded. I don't think that has gravitas. We have you. No…what about this? We have you surrounded. Meh. What about if I just…? We have you surround….no, it’s not deep enough, huh? We have you surround…no, it’s too soft? Okay. Well, it’s an announcement with…could you just…could the gravitas be imaginary? We have you surrounded.

 

Lay down your tickling devices and put your arms above your heads. All their laser pointers clattered against the floor, and that reverberated through the room. They slowly raised their hands above their heads and cautiously emerged from their hiding spots. All clear? Asked the captain. Yep. They're throwing in the towel, XO/O replied, putting her new laser-pointer toy in her pocket and climbing down the ladder to where now they would take a break and…for now in the cargo bay. This was cargo bay…this was not cargo bay after dark, but this was cargo bay at bedtime, a cargo bay sleepover for sleeping, where everyone had a giant mattress and warm, snuggly blankets. Those who had been tickled could fall into the deep slumber tickling causes, just like tears cause, and those who had to wind down a bit after playing the game and not being tickled, like XO/O, they could have a warm, relaxing beverage and take their shoes off and get comfortable and cozy and then drift off. Until next time, goodnight, everybody.

 

[End of recording]

Transcription performed by LeahTranscribes

Nothing Works, Everything Happens

 

The Addams Family

https://www.smithsonianmag.com/arts-culture/cultural-history-addams-family-180973315/

https://www.novelsuspects.com/articles/a-history-of-the-addams-family/

https://www.npr.org/2022/10/27/1129540641/charles-addams-cartoonist-new-yorker

 

AI Assistants

https://www.agiloft.com/blog/the-evolution-of-the-ai-assistant/

https://theconversation.com/from-hal-9000-to-westworlds-dolores-the-pop-culture-robots-that-influenced-smart-voice-assistants-140341

https://www.yellowfinbi.com/history-of-chatbots-timeline-of-conversational-ai

 

Recreational Hiking

https://paliretreat.com/history-of-hiking/

https://www.lemsshoes.com/blogs/news/from-footpaths-to-adventures-the-evolution-of-hiking-trails-in-america?srsltid=AfmBOor20N6HMARIviKCobqzA9RbJPQPx1dhUMeh5ZROzFUwkFEWYKkk

https://mountainhouse.com/blogs/backpacking-hiking/a-history-of-modern-backpacking?srsltid=AfmBOoo0fIfPsv8gcFb-1kUgMYTx6oOKssuEYK_tyxNtKnifdsYHAqgx

 

How feathers work

https://academy.allaboutbirds.org/feathers-article/

https://opensanctuary.org/how-do-feathers-work/

https://www.audubon.org/news/the-science-feathers

 

DOWN TO BUSINESS

Somewhat real and somewhat surreal

I’m so excited to put you to sleep, I forgot what I was supposed to talk about

I can’t pause too much

A little behind the scenes

Every pause is considered

The Right Amount of Pause

 

PLUGS

Nothing Works, Everything Happens; Sleep With Me Plus; SleepPhones; Story Only Feed; Emily Tat Artwork; Crisis Textline

 

SPONSORS

Helix Sleep; Zocdoc; Coyuchi; Progressive; Howie Mandel Global Gaming League; Turbotax

 

INTRO

Thoughts you’re thinking about

Feelings that are making a bedtime appearance

(or middle of the night appearance)

You’re not alone, in the most open way possible

A directly indirect way

This show came out of my childhood insomnia

Never idealize your sleep cycle

Someone else listening is sending you well wishes right now

This isn’t just something I say. This is something I know

We need you in this world

It’s normal to not like me at first

sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou

Just barely listen to this

My dog Koa listens to TV

Tastemakers say dogs have no taste

But I think Koa has good taste

Koa prefers to always be by my side, natch

She only likes particular shows

Such as The Addams Family

We’re trying out Bob Ross and Rick Steves

I know she’s not actually watching TV, okay?

Koa probably thinks of me as one part Lurch, one part Itt, and one part Fester

I supposed I’ll let Koa speak for herself

If dogs could roll their eyes, Koa definitely would

She prefers The Addams Family to Sleep With Me

She knows me too well

She sees my insides in the Addams Family

Is that kind of love called Phobos?

Explaining the show structure

The Wind Down Routine

Some reading reinterpretations of Nothing Works, Everything Happens

 

STORY

“Baseball”

Maude calls out for Henry

Henry looks for a screwdriver

Sneering Sound Effect

Bring up that baseball bat, please

Big band plays on the radio

A moving van is in the neighbor’s driveway

Maude sighs

Someone’s moving in

Expensive-Looking Lamps

Hoity Toity Stuff

An older man and woman

Speaking to synthesized voices

Neither person has done any moving

The smartphones incorrectly guess what the people want

Henry brings the bat

Maude judges the neighbors’ phone usage

J-U-N-K

Those darn-it-all AI people

Maude doesn’t trust them

Henry doesn’t seem so untrusting

An interlude in the story

The neighbors are Barbara Thom

Barbara writes for a travel magazine

Thom is a loafer

Barbara had always had AI generated greetings

A fresh daily mush of words

Pee off, Barbara

Maude doesn’t want to talk to Barbara

Barbara’s “friend” wrote her article, so Barbara has the day off

Another interlude

If you need ‘em, interlude ‘em

Get Interludey With It

One week later

Henry and Maude chop onions

Chopping Dungeons

Henry wants to invite Barbara and Thom to dinner

Maude doesn’t want to

It’s the neighborly thing to do

Henry is always chipper

She thinks Henry’s openness is indicative of no taste

Barbar begrudgingly goes to invite B and T to dinner right now

Barbara and Thom sit at dinner

Smartphones sit face down

How are Barbara and Thom adjusting

Flim Flam JQZ has recommended some outings

Thom mostly reads on his phone

Every book is on his phone

Total Optimization, Dude

Henry silently pleads with Maude to not make a scene

Barbara’s next article

Flim Flam JQZ provides ideas to Barbara

The idea: “Why sitting is the new hiking”

The phones keep dinging

Maude excuses herself

She secretly heads to the guest bedroom

She pulls out the nightstand

She pulls out a small, plastic box

In it – the wireless router

She pulls out the cables

She has the power of the Data!

B and T talk about how Flim Flam can create music

Thom can’t pull it up

He doesn’t have a data connection

Maude realizes they’ve been stealing their WiFi

Maude is silently fuming

Maude asks what they like to do that’s not on their phones

What would happen if they threw their phones into Mount Doom?

What would our conversation revolve around then?

She’s so obviously sarcastic

Henry doesn’t like this

Maude is being a little R-U-D-E

The train is leaving the station

Is this the real world or their world?

Henry tries to stop this argument

Let’s go outside and stretch our legs

They clean up

Barbara’s phone dings again!

Maude wants to play baseball with their phones

To be continued

“Space Junk, Part 1”

A toy laser beam

Comms click off

XO/O smirks

Is this a forward slash?

She scans her surroundings

No heat signatures

Easy to cloak

4 small devices whir to life

No one uses these listeners anymore

Her brother praises her ability to tinker with old tech

Her tiny robots are listening

She watches their sound surveillance, silently

A bump becomes a pattern

Someone is breathing 

She pulls a self-made feather tickler off her utility belt

Nanofeathers are attached to this duster

Feathers on feathers on feathers

These nanofeathers are no aerodynamic

She likes a challenge to her nimbleness

She initiates a self-destruct box

The 4 devices immediately fall and break

If you can’t find a weakness, create one

Her brother watches her via surveillance

He cloaks her with sounds of footsteps on speakers everywhere

High-powered laser pointers try to follow XO/O

The backside of a nape

A sudden intense tickling

He drops his laser pointer toy

When you’re tickled with nanofeathers, they just keep tickling you

Nanoticklers After Dark

A case of the nanotickles

Sympathetic Tickling Vibration

XO/O continues on, looking for people hiding

Soon the ship is silent

She updates her brother

He tells her that the Captain is getting ready to tickle

Head to the cargo bay

She always keeps low, even when she’s running

She searches for an access panel

Things always start in the cargo bay

A lot of fun happens during the day and after dark in the cargo bay

The cargo doors always need to be sealed

She climbs in, going from hatch to hatch

She has to leave her gear behind but takes a laser pointer with her

She finds an exit

She loves the rush of all this

She slowly aims the laser pointer

An infrared scope emerges out of the laser pointer

Scanning for Tickling Targets

Floating shuttlecocks hover by

The feathercock has many ways to tickle you

Is Real Genius about inventing a tickling ray?

She talks to the Captain

She’s in the wall, behind the laser ticklers

She sees a shadow dart out

On three, give it everything you got

On 3, the room lit up

Feathercocks, ticklers, and laser pointers light the room

They’re surrounding the shadow

I can’t do gravitas

Can the gravitas be imaginary?

They win

And now they’ll take a break in the cargo bay

Cargo Bay Sleepover for Sleeping

 

SUMMARY:

Episode: 1429

Title: Nanofeather Baseball | Nothing Works, Everything Happens Ep 3

Plugs: Nothing Works, Everything Happens; Sleep With Me Plus; SleepPhones; Story Only Feed; Emily Tat Artwork; Crisis Textline

Sponsors: Helix Sleep; Zocdoc; Coyuchi; Progressive; Howie Mandel Global Gaming League; Turbotax

Notable Language:

• A directly indirect way
• One part Lurch, one part Itt, and one part Fester
• Reading Reinterpretations
• Sneering Sound Effect
• Expensive-Looking Lamps
• J-U-N-K
• Those darn-it-all AI people
• L-A-Z-Y
• A fresh daily mush of words
• If you need ‘em, interlude ‘em
• Get Interludey With It
• Chopping Dungeons
• Flim Flam JQZ
• Total Optimization, Dude
• R-U-D-E
• XO/O
• Self-Made Feather Duster Tickler
• Nanofeathers
• A challenge to her nimbleness
• The backside of a nape
• Nanoticklers After Dark
• Sympathetic Tickling Vibration
• E-X-I-T
• Feathercock
• Cargo Bay Sleepover for Sleeping

 

Notable Culture:

• Nothing Works, Everything Happens

• • sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou
  • The Addams Family
  • Bob Ross
  • Rick Steves
  • Dungeons and Dragons
  • Mister Rogers

• The Lord of the Rings

• The Real World

• We Fix Space Junk

• Real Genius

 

Notable Talking Points:

• • Thoughts you’re thinking about
  • Feelings that are making a bedtime appearance
  • (or middle of the night appearance)
  • You’re not alone, in the most open way possible
  • A directly indirect way
  • This show came out of my childhood insomnia
  • Never idealize your sleep cycle
  • Someone else listening is sending you well wishes right now
  • This isn’t just something I say. This is something I know
  • We need you in this world
  • It’s normal to not like me at first
  • sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou
  • Just barely listen to this
  • My dog Koa listens to TV
  • Tastemakers say dogs have no taste
  • But I think Koa has good taste
  • Koa prefers to always be by my side, natch
  • She only likes particular shows
  • Such as The Addams Family
  • We’re trying out Bob Ross and Rick Steves
  • I know she’s not actually watching TV, okay?
  • Koa probably thinks of me as one part Lurch, one part Itt, and one part Fester
  • I supposed I’ll let Koa speak for herself
  • If dogs could roll their eyes, Koa definitely would
  • She prefers The Addams Family to Sleep With Me
  • She knows me too well
  • She sees my insides in the Addams Family
  • Is that kind of love called Phobos?
  • Explaining the show structure
  • The Wind Down Routine
  • Some reading reinterpretations of Nothing Works, Everything Happens

• “Baseball”

• Maude calls out for Henry

• Henry looks for a screwdriver

• Sneering Sound Effect

• Bring up that baseball bat, please

• Big band plays on the radio

• A moving van is in the neighbor’s driveway

• Maude sighs

• Someone’s moving in

• Expensive-Looking Lamps

• Hoity Toity Stuff

• An older man and woman

• Speaking to synthesized voices

• Neither person has done any moving

• The smartphones incorrectly guess what the people want

• Henry brings the bat

• Maude judges the neighbors’ phone usage

• J-U-N-K

• Those darn-it-all AI people

• Maude doesn’t trust them

• Henry doesn’t seem so untrusting

• An interlude in the story

• The neighbors are Barbara Thom

• Barbara writes for a travel magazine

• Thom is a loafer

• Barbara had always had AI generated greetings

• A fresh daily mush of words

• Pee off, Barbara

• Maude doesn’t want to talk to Barbara

• Barbara’s “friend” wrote her article, so Barbara has the day off

• Another interlude

• If you need ‘em, interlude ‘em

• Get Interludey With It

• One week later

• Henry and Maude chop onions

• Chopping Dungeons

• Henry wants to invite Barbara and Thom to dinner

• Maude doesn’t want to

• It’s the neighborly thing to do

• Henry is always chipper

• She thinks Henry’s openness is indicative of no taste

• Barbar begrudgingly goes to invite B and T to dinner right now

• Barbara and Thom sit at dinner

• Smartphones sit face down

• How are Barbara and Thom adjusting

• Flim Flam JQZ has recommended some outings

• Thom mostly reads on his phone

• Every book is on his phone

• Total Optimization, Dude

• Henry silently pleads with Maude to not make a scene

• Barbara’s next article

• Flim Flam JQZ provides ideas to Barbara

• The idea: “Why sitting is the new hiking”

• The phones keep dinging

• Maude excuses herself

• She secretly heads to the guest bedroom

• She pulls out the nightstand

• She pulls out a small, plastic box

• In it – the wireless router

• She pulls out the cables

• She has the power of the Data!

• B and T talk about how Flim Flam can create music

• Thom can’t pull it up

• He doesn’t have a data connection

• Maude realizes they’ve been stealing their WiFi

• Maude is silently fuming

• Maude asks what they like to do that’s not on their phones

• What would happen if they threw their phones into Mount Doom?

• What would our conversation revolve around then?

• She’s so obviously sarcastic

• Henry doesn’t like this

• Maude is being a little R-U-D-E

• The train is leaving the station

• Is this the real world or their world?

• Henry tries to stop this argument

• Let’s go outside and stretch our legs

• They clean up

• Barbara’s phone dings again!

• Maude wants to play baseball with their phones

• To be continued

• “Space Junk, Part 1”

• A toy laser beam

• Comms click off

• XO/O smirks

• Is this a forward slash?

• She scans her surroundings

• No heat signatures

• Easy to cloak

• 4 small devices whir to life

• No one uses these listeners anymore

• Her brother praises her ability to tinker with old tech

• Her tiny robots are listening

• She watches their sound surveillance, silently

• A bump becomes a pattern

• Someone is breathing 

• She pulls a self-made feather tickler off her utility belt

• Nanofeathers are attached to this duster

• Feathers on feathers on feathers

• These nanofeathers are no aerodynamic

• She likes a challenge to her nimbleness

• She initiates a self-destruct box

• The 4 devices immediately fall and break

• If you can’t find a weakness, create one

• Her brother watches her via surveillance

• He cloaks her with sounds of footsteps on speakers everywhere

• High-powered laser pointers try to follow XO/O

• The backside of a nape

• A sudden intense tickling

• He drops his laser pointer toy

• When you’re tickled with nanofeathers, they just keep tickling you

• Nanoticklers After Dark

• A case of the nanotickles

• Sympathetic Tickling Vibration

• XO/O continues on, looking for people hiding

• Soon the ship is silent

• She updates her brother

• He tells her that the Captain is getting ready to tickle

• Head to the cargo bay

• She always keeps low, even when she’s running

• She searches for an access panel

• Things always start in the cargo bay

• A lot of fun happens during the day and after dark in the cargo bay

• The cargo doors always need to be sealed

• She climbs in, going from hatch to hatch

• She has to leave her gear behind but takes a laser pointer with her

• She finds an exit

• She loves the rush of all this

• She slowly aims the laser pointer

• An infrared scope emerges out of the laser pointer

• Scanning for Tickling Targets

• Floating shuttlecocks hover by

• The feathercock has many ways to tickle you

• Is Real Genius about inventing a tickling ray?

• She talks to the Captain

• She’s in the wall, behind the laser ticklers

• She sees a shadow dart out

• On three, give it everything you got

• On 3, the room lit up

• Feathercocks, ticklers, and laser pointers light the room

• They’re surrounding the shadow

• I can’t do gravitas

• Can the gravitas be imaginary?

• They win

• And now they’ll take a break in the cargo bay

• Cargo Bay Sleepover for Sleeping