1271 – Couch Barons | All Intros 917 – 921

Episode 1271 – Couch Barons | All Intros 917 – 921

 

[START OF RECORDING]

 

SCOOTER: Hey, everybody…Scooter almost started out with saying ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and friends beyond the binary, all our forest friends and swamp…people in the swamp, swamp-based beings, SBBs, it’s time for Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts…is in his conductor voice to put you to sleep. Let’s get on with the show.

 

Hey everybody, this is Scoots here. This is a all-intro episode. We put these out kinda on holidays and long weekends. It’s intro after intro after intro…tends to be one of the most popular things we do, so popular that there’s a podcast on Sleep With Me+ for bore-friends and bore-besties that gets two to three all-intro episodes every single month, 'cause there’s some people…that’s almost all they listen to. So, if you really love all-intros, check that out on Sleep With Me+. But I think you’ll find this is fun. It captures the silliness of the show and it slowly eases you into bedtime. Thanks so much for listening, by the way. I could not make this show without all of you, and I’m so glad to do it because I’ve been…my sleep’s been up and down lately. So, so glad to be able to help you out in the deep, dark night. Take it away, past Scoots.

 

INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts running…things you’re thinking about on your mind about the past or the present or the future, feelings — so, those could be emotions coming up — or physical sensations, changes in time or temperature or routine, so any of those things. You say, well, there’s been a change in my routine here. Okay, well, yeah, let me see if I could help with that.

 

Or, whatever it is, whatever’s keeping you awake, I’d like to help, and what I’d like to…the way I’m gonna help is I’m gonna try to take your mind off that and keep you company while you fall asleep. The way I’m gonna try to do that is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night…oh, I try to create a safe place. I kinda said that, but I always like to emphasize that. Comfortable, roomy, or cozy, we have it all. We’re the placiest of the safe places. Oh, you know…yeah, I don't know if you’ve…because now, right now when I’m recording this, of course this…well, I’ll talk about it in a minute if I remember. Hold on; I’m gonna grab a pen and write it on my hand. Okay, so you didn’t hear that pause or when I had to redo this take 'cause I dropped the pen.

 

But so, I’ll try to come back to it 'cause new listeners, I want to get to you. So, I’m gonna try to create a safe place. I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’m gonna use lulling, soothing…eventually they’ll be soothing for some…if you’re new. Soothing, creaky, dulcet tones…oh, so creaky are my dulcet tones. I live in California, so right now they’re extra creaky. They are. So, if you’re new, I’m glad you’re here. I do want to give you a bunch of information because this podcast is a lot different than so-called normal podcasts. So, naturally that could throw people off, and I totally understand that. So, let me give you some information so you have it.

 

First thing to know is this podcast is not for everybody, but even for the people that listen on a regular basis which is a significant amount of people, it took two or three tries or five tries. But I would say two or three tries is a honest effort to see if this podcast is gonna work for you. You might say, you want me to do honest effort to listen to your podcast? I say, no, not so much. I want my…I do desire my podcast to help you fall asleep. So, that’s my motivation, is to give it two or three tries. I would only say, yeah, it takes…I’m with you, because all this sleep stuff, it takes a lot of work. You say, why does it have to take so much work for me to get a good night's sleep? I’ve been asking myself that the whole…my whole life, in much stronger words than that, and it really isn't fair.

 

I totally…so, I’d say, well, giving this podcast two or three tries is worth a shot at this point because if you’ve tried even half the stuff I’ve tried…you’ve probably spent a bunch of money and invested a lot of time and mostly emotion, 'cause you say, well, I hope this one works. Or, at least for me, I got those brainbots and I say, well, I’m gonna try this new routine. Then I say, well, why…I thought you were try…you know what I mean. It’s not easy being one of us. So, whether this podcast works for you or not, I hope you get a good night's sleep. But give this a few tries. I guess the main thing is to say if you’re skeptical or doubtful, that totally makes sense, like we just talked about. We’ve seen a lot of sleepless people. So, that’s one thing; give it a few tries.

 

If you’re skeptical or doubtful or you feel like this is…you’re making a face while you listen to this at first, that’s totally normal 'cause this is different. Also, to go along with that, it’s not…this is really not a podcast or even a sleep podcast or sleep audio that you listen to. This one is one podcast that’s halfway in-between being something that you listen to to put you to sleep or that you don’t listen to that’s background noise. We’re right in-between those things, and it could be either way. You could totally make me background noise or you could kinda pay attention, but just kinda barely pay attention if you’re new until you kinda develop a way that you like to listen, and then maybe that’ll even change. So, just barely listen to me.

 

If you’re new and you try to figure out the podcast or you’re waiting for it to be like the other stuff, it just doesn't…we don’t ever get there. So, that’s that. Oh, and this isn't really a podcast that puts you to sleep. I guess that kinda goes along with it. It’s more a podcast that keeps you company and takes your mind off of stuff, barely engages you, while you fall asleep. So, there’s those things that are important to know, then the other thing that can throw new people off is the structure of the show. The structure of the show kinda goes like this; it goes, lady…a greeting; ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and friends beyond the binary, and all our…I don't know if I said it, but our swamp-based beings, 'cause this is our friends, our forest friends.

 

So, there’s a greeting so you know you’re welcome, then there’s business, and the business keeps the show going, coming out twice a week instead of being a paywalled thing. So, there’s business, then there’s an intro. The intro’s around twelve to twenty minutes long, and I guess I kind of find it just doesn't work for everybody, that idea, at least at first, especially…there’s nothing I get more…other than my voice and my personality, the other thing I get the most strongly-worded e-mails about is the intro and the business, because for someone that’s feeling strongly about it, it just is one thing, and they say, what is this…twenty minutes of this stuff? So, let me at least try to meet you where you are if you’re even close to feeling that way, which is legitimate and understandable.

 

So, the intro is an organic thing. It’s kind of a show within a show, is the easiest way to say it, but for regular listeners, it’s part of their bedtime routine or their wind-down routine. So, you could experiment. You could start it before you get into bed or you could start it when you get into bed. You could also start it and start to do some other mellowing-out thing, whether it’s drawing or maybe you just play with Legos for fifteen minutes. I don't know, I’d like that. Hey Legos, how come you’re not pitching that to adults and maybe even kids? Play with Legos for fifteen minutes. It’s pretty…Legos; they’re pretty chill. Or a Lego competitor…Playmobil, you got my…you don’t have my number, but I’m definitely down. You say, well, we’re changing…or some other…action figures; they’re not just for action anymore.

 

Dolls; they’re not just for imaginary playing. They’re for chilling out. It’s true. You all…you’re nodding your head. I could tell. But so, just kinda…the idea of the intro is to give you some distance between the day and bed, to ease you into bed. Now, there are a percentage of listeners…2% of regular listeners for our free feed, and then a percentage of patrons that just consume the stories. So, for the free feed, your best bet is just to go to twenty minutes or twenty-two minutes and start playing it there. But I would only do that after you get used to the podcast, because otherwise it’s gonna be even more strange. So…okay, so that’s the intro, then there’s business. That’s how the podcast business works, is the midroll, they call it.

 

So, that’s where a lot of our business is between the intro and the episode, and that’s kind of…again, just important to bring you the show. Then there’s our story which is a episodically modular series. You can listen to it in any order. Just a bedtime story, we’ll say. It’s called Otter Things. It’s about otters and other beings in a swamp. Then there’s thank-yous at the end of the show. So, that’s the structure of the show, so that’s the next thing to know. Then the other thing you want to know is that I make the show because I’ve been there, tossing, turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep. So, I know how it feels and I just want something a little bit nice and a little bit relieving for you to just give you some comfort and to take your mind off of stuff, to help. So, I hope I can provide that.

 

The reason I want to help is…one, because I’ve been there, but two, because you deserve a good night's sleep. You deserve a place where you can rest, feel comfortable, and have some distance between the day and you so that tomorrow you’re rested and you can live your life. Like I said, it’s not fair. It’s not enjoyable. Really, one of my other goals is just to make bedtime something you don’t have to dread. Even if you can't get to the point where you look forward to it, you say, well, it’s not as bad with Scoots. That’s what I hope regular listeners…well, I got Scoots there, so at least I got something. I got my cat, I got my…I don't put my Legos in bed, obviously. I got my former action figures. Now I call them chill figures, though…or play figures, and my dolls, which I still call ‘dolls’. But yeah.

 

Also, I can't patent that title, Chill Figures, but if you do have…whatever. I don't know what companies are still making those kind of toys, but get in touch with me, you know? Hasbro, do you even exist anymore? ‘Cause if you do, I know…I’m pretty sure that’s who used to make action figures. Or you could…we’d have to get this word because I think somebody probably owns this, whoever owns the right to Superbad, but we could call them chillaction…Chillaxin' Figures. That’s just…that almost works. So, whatever I wrote on my hand I won't even talk about anymore, 'cause we don’t need to. Now that we’ve stumbled on Chillaxin' Figures…you say, tell me more about your vision for Chillaxin' Figures. I’d say, well, thanks.

 

I’m glad I have the great toy conglomerates here all together in one room so you all just have one chance to shower me with your toy billions. But we’re not taking any toy money, by the way. Oh, could you pay me in Star Wars…? No. Please don’t bring that up. Please don’t try to tempt me with toy-based bonuses, because they won't be accepted because I’m so…because…they would work, but I…so, I can't take any toy-based bonuses. It would be great if you just accidentally left some toys somewhere, but it wouldn't impact my decision-making at all. Like, if a giant container of Chillaxin' Figures showed up somewhere…but also, I have nowhere to put it.

 

I live in an apartment, so…but so…okay, so…oh, thanks for all of you coming. Yeah, so, there’s a vision of the Chillaxin' Figure. Now, I know this is outside of the toy box, you know, or whatever you call that, the plastic…whatever the heck it’s called. I’m not trying to say you have limited vision, but when I do pitch…when I pitched Chillaxin' Figures to my toys, some of my toys said, so, it’s just like an action figure or a doll lying in a beach chair? I said, no, no, no. That’s an action figure chillaxin’. That’s something totally different than a Chillaxin' Figure. An action figure chillaxing, just to do a basic grammar lesson, if I can…the action figure is the noun and the chillaxin’s the verb.

 

A Chillaxin' Figure is a proper noun, or one day it will be, and it’s a figure or a toy…a toy-based fig…a figure-based toy for chill…that you use when you’re chillaxing, which is mild action, kind of…just like Superbad, but this is nothing like…just because that word was so great…okay, so then…so, I can't…just can't get that idea, though, of a toy just sitting on a…well, that’s pretty relaxing. That’s a relaxing use of a toy, having a toy on a beach chair, but how long is that gonna be relaxing for? A Chillaxing Figure takes…it’s just basically playing with toys while you’re relaxing. It’s just a new…it’s just branding. Come on, this is brand…this might not be Branding 101, but it…I don't think it’s at 201. I mean, maybe. So, just relax…just a new way to play with toys.

 

I think it also offers a opportunity to accessorize 'cause you could have…'cause you don’t want…most of these toys you don’t want to have in bed with you, 'cause I know your…most of your toys are plastic-based and they’re a bit hard. This doesn't mean, oh, so we should have soft toys? No, no, no. Plush…there’s toys…there’s stuffed animals and plush; that’s what you have in bed with you. Why didn’t…? Oh, I see your hand in the back. What, are you from one of the plush-makers? Why don’t you just play with your plush toys in bed and call those Chillaxin' Figures? I don't want to pull rank here, but I’m the expert. I’ll tell you exactly why. I got an answer for this.

 

I’m glad we’re having this press conference in the middle of a sleep podcast intro and business pitch, but I’ll just answer this last question before we…before you can figure out who’s gonna win. It’s emotion, basically, to talk about…why can't you just chillax with your stuffed animals? Your stuffed…your relationship with your stuffed animals or your plush is different than with your chillaxin’ or formally action figures or toys, your daytime toys. You have an emotional resonance with a plush that is more for comforting, for snuggling, and for sleeping. Now, there is some play…I’m sure there’s some play time with them and that’s good, but contextually it’s a totally different level of playing. Just to take you back to Scooter’s beginning of an…his intro, a plush or a stuffed animal, bed-based plush…now, this is just bed-based plush, right, is…that’s when you’re fully in bed and disengaged.

 

An action figure, a Lego, a doll, or other things is for daytime playing. A Chillaxin' Figure is a bridge between these two worlds. So, those are three different emotional resonances. You understand? We’re create…the best part is…well, I’ll be creating it. You’ll just be paying me for it and waiting for me to return your calls and get stuff done, which will be a while. You say, Scoots, how is that proposal of…? I say, well, it’s coming along. I say, send it to voicemail. Is that Hasbro HQ calling? Sent to voicemail. So anyway, if you’re new, I’m glad you’re here. I really hope this podcast can help you get some rest. Give it a few tries. I work really hard, I yearn and I strive, and I really want to help you fall asleep. Thanks again for coming by, and here’s a couple ways we’re able to bring this podcast to you twice a week.

 

Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake. It could be thoughts, things on your mind you’re thinking about, feelings, anything coming up for you feeling-wise, emotionally, physical sensations, changes in time or temperature or routine, it could be something else. Whatever it is, it could be any number of things. But whatever it is, I’m here to help, and what I’m gonna do is try to create a safe place. I’ve probably said this.

 

I guess I’m trying to speak, but I’m trying to establish a safe place. I know I’ve said ‘pop-up’ before. I guess this would be a bit like a pop-up safe place where you’d say, I’m establishing it here but I can transfer it or send it to you no problem. No assembly required. The way I do it, the way I send it, is I send my voice across the deep, dark night. I use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents. So, you say, creaky, dulcet tones? What is that? I say, well, it’s how my voice sounds, a bit like…well, a bit like something you don’t normally hear. You say, well, it’s like a…it’s kinda good and it’s kind of not…it’s kind of creaky. You say, okay…for a sleep podcast…you say, okay, yeah, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders; what are those?

 

Well, he never gets to the point, the person that makes the podcast, or as he’s trying to make a point, he goes off on a pointless meander or a superfluous tangent. So, those are some of the techniques I use as I try to establish this safe place. Now, if you’re new, a few things you should know. Did I forget…? What I’m gonna try to do is create a safe place where you could set aside…send my voice…no, I think I got everything of a regular intro. Regular listeners, welcome back. As usual, I’m mixed up. But what I’m…oh, so what I’m gonna do, if you’re new…let me tell you a couple things because…one…and I’ve heard this hundreds and hundreds of thousands of times; this podcast does not work for everybody but also, for the people it works for, it takes two or three tries. So, I just want you to know that upfront.

 

The reason I explain it so many…every episode is to, one, meet your doubt or your skepticism or your uncomfortableness where you are and say, well, that’s legitimate to be doubtful or skeptical or say, I don't know about this sleep podcast and your creaky, dulcet tones. That’s a totally legitimate way to feel. The only thing I can tell you is just see how it goes, but see how it goes…a few tries. ‘Cause usually on the first try, this podcast makes…somehow it has to make even less sense before it makes no sense at all, and I’ll explain that more. But give it a few tries if you can, but also know it just doesn't work for everybody, but that’s why it’s free, too. You say, okay, I tried it a few times; it didn’t work. But in the end, the people that it worked for, they say around two or three tries…they say, holy moly, I just woke up.

 

So, give it a few tries. That’s one thing to know. The second thing to know is if you…as you try it out, kinda try it loosely, like a robe. There are robes that are tight-fitting and form-fitting robes, and I’ve talked about robes on the show before. I think one time…this has been a while, but I imagined that Obi-Wan Kenobi and maybe Jean-Luc Picard went to a colony where you…where clothing’s optional. Or, no, it was Doc Brown, I guess, from…what’s that? Back to the Future, and they…he said, well, robes? Where we’re going, we don’t need any robes. So, those would…you wouldn't have any. But so, you wear a robe or loosely wear a garment; that’s actually…I think that’s in a parable. This podcast is best barely worn.

 

You say, well, it’s more draped over my shoulder like when I’m cooking or something and I need a extra cooking thingamajig, a towel. I say, okay, so…most podcasts are like an outfit, you’re saying, Scoots. Well, some podcast are, or a…some podcasts you wear for pleasure, some podcasts you wear for laughs, some podcasts are functional. There’s definitely podcasts that are super-stylish. So, yeah, and this podcast is more like…yeah, like something over the shoulder. Yeah, like a kitchen towel or a rag you throw over your shoulder. That’s what Sleep With Me is. You say, could you complete that metaphor? I say, I don't know. I might try later, but I was trying to explain to the new listener…to just kinda do that, like say, okay, I’m barely listening.

 

This is one podcast…as compared to the outfit-based podcasts or the outfit analogy, you barely listen to this podcast. You only kinda listen. You say, uh-huh, uh-huh…oh, I forgot I had a kitchen towel over my shoulder. How did I end up at a…? What is this, a Michelin five-star restaurant? Oh, there’s only four stars? Oh, I don't know. Oh, it’s a dream. Great. So, that’s one thing; barely listen to this show. The other thing is this podcast really isn't here to put you to sleep. It’s here to keep you company as you fall asleep or to keep you company if you can't sleep. I’m here. I’m your bore-friend, I’m your bore-bud, I’m your bore-bae, I’m your…ideally one day I’ll be your bore-bestie. So, I’m here to take your mind off of stuff as you drift off and just be at your bedside telling you a story you don’t need to listen to.

 

Now, if you can't sleep, I’ll be here to the end, or if you wake up. So, it’s kinda like I’m telling you the story whether you’re awake or asleep. But I make this show just as much for the people that can't sleep as the people that are sound asleep already right now. The nice thing is the episodes are an hour, so you have plenty of time to get comfortable and drift off, and that leads into kinda the next thing that can throw new listeners off, which is the structure of the show. The show starts off with a greeting because I want everybody to know they’re welcome and they’re important here; ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and friends beyond the binary, and then there’s business. That’s how we bring you the podcast twice a week. There’s a few minutes of business there.

 

Then there’s an intro, and the intro’s pretty long, twelve to eighteen minutes or so, and it’s me introducing the podcast as I’m doing right now. For the new listener, you could say, you’re gonna introduce the podcast for twelve to eighteen minutes? I say, yeah, it takes me a while to get going, and then I don't go anywhere. So, for the new listener, it’s also an example of the podcast. I mean, that’s a bit meta, but for a regular listener, there’s a lot of options. As you become a regular listener…some listeners fall asleep during the intro, some listeners start the intro while they’re getting ready for bed or doing their brushing and their skincare or stretching or foam-rolling or they’re using one of those serabody devices, whatever it is.

 

So, some listeners start the intro before they get into bed; that’s what I’m saying, and then other listeners start the podcast while they’re in bed unwinding and getting comfortable. So, the intro kinda serves as a buffer between waking life and sleep so that you can wind down and I can buff, buff, buff that day right out of your hair or right out…I can help you drift away. So, it just gives us some space. So, that’s part of the intro, is just to ease you into bedtime. Then after the intro is some sponsors, ads — that’s part of the podcast structure — then there will be a story. Tonight will be our new series we’re covering, GBB, Great British Bake Off, so I’ll be excited to talk about that. Then there will be some thank-yous and goodnights at the end. So, that’s the structure of the show, and what else do you need to know?

 

You probably need to know some more stuff that I forgot. Structure of the show…hm. Oh boy, I already got mixed up. Oh, that’s the structure…oh, why do I make the show? Well, I make the show because you deserve a good night's sleep. That’s reason one. I truly believe you deserve a safe place where you can get some rest so that your life is a little bit better, more manageable, and ideally you can flourish. So, that is…that’s one thing. The other thing is because I’ve been there. I know how it feels tossing and turning, waking up, all that stuff. I’ve been there, needing to buffer my day away. I’ve been buffering about my day, you know? So, that’s the whole thing, is…I guess…what was…? I don't know if I had another point in there. But you deserve a good night's sleep, I’ve been there, and I think that’s it.

 

I said it at the beginning of the show; I’m really grateful that I get to make this podcast 'cause…yeah, 'cause I can relate and because I think it’s important. I think you getting the rest you need is important, and in a broader sense, you having the options to see what’s gonna work for you to fall asleep and establish a healthy bedtime routine is important, whether it’s this podcast or a fan or another piece of sleep audio or just doing something else, some other routine. That is very important to me because…and I’m very grateful that I can provide this or be a stepping stone. I’m the…what is…has that ever…? I’ve probably talked about that, the grateful stepping stone. So many people stepped on me on their way to good sleep, and I had so much joy.

 

Some people stuck around and danced on me in the middle of the stream that I was in, and that really felt nice, too. That’s really what it feels like to make the show. I don't know if you could get the…it’s cool. I’m glamor…you say, who was the first person to glamorize stepping stones? I say, well, there was a few architects and landscape…no, no, no, I mean in a Hollywood sense. Oh, that really glamorized…? Yeah, no, no, the life of a stepping stone. They kind of anthropomorphized it or whatever, personified it. Oh, it really gave that Hollywood glamor to stepping stones but not the actual physical stepping stones? Yeah, it glamorized life as a stepping stone. I don't think there was anybody that would do that. That just doesn't seem…well, actually there was someone. He tried. Scooter was his name.

 

He wrote the imaginary book in his mind, The Grateful Stepping Stone, and on one podcast episode out of like, 8,000, he tried to glamorize stepping stones. Then he forgot about it for twelve years ‘til he tried to write the book. So, that’s why I do what I do and why I’m full gratitude, though I forget it a lot of times. You fill me up with gratitude, believe it or not, and hopefully I fill up your ears with nonsense and pointless meanders. What a deal, right? So, I’m here to help. If you’re new, just give the show a few tries. I hope it can help you. I’m really glad you’re here. I really appreciate your time. I work very hard. I yearn and I strive, and I want to help you fall asleep. Thanks again, and here’s a couple ways we’re able to bring this podcast twice a week.

 

Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake. It could be thoughts, things on your mind, feeling…so, things…you could be thinking about the past, the present, the future, near future, other stuff…so, thoughts, feelings, anything emotionally coming up for you, physical sensations…last night it was…I had all three last night. Not to bring this up and make it about me, but just so you know I can relate.

 

I had the last one first, then I had feelings about the sensations, then I had thoughts about my thoughts about my feelings and my physical sensations, then I had a debate about what to do, and then I did…here’s some things; who was the famous person that did the stages of…? I wonder if there’s stages of…with sleep. When you can't sleep — this is, I guess, the truth — it is a little bit full of G-R-I-E-F, if that’s the correct spelling. But maybe I’ll come back to that because I do a lot of bargaining, I guess, and I feel those other feelings. I don't know all of them in order, but oh boy, do I have that A word, A-N-G-E-R, too, bargaining…what is it…? Denial. Oh, I’ll fall right…and then that part of me laughs. Let me just move my pillow…let me just move over to the right here. I’m gonna fall right asleep. Part of me goes, muahaha.

 

Anyway, so, whatever is keeping you awake…it could be any of that stuff. It could be that sound effect that maybe I’ll…that voice, but that was a friendly voice. Whatever’s keeping you awake, I’m here to take your mind off of that while you fall asleep. So, I got a safe place set aside. I smooth it, I pat it, I rub it down, I say ‘safe place’. It’s all set aside for you here. The way I do it is I send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents, extra words like those, word fragments, mumbles, groans, all to take your mind off of stuff while you fall asleep. So, if you’re a regular listener, I’m so glad you’re here. We’ve never talked about this, these stages of sleeplessness before. Yet another book I’ll never write; The Scooter Story.

 

That would be funny. Maybe that should be the name…if I ever do write a book, that’s what it should be called. Written by David Sedaris. That would be classic. I don't think I could…I don't know if the split would work for me because it would probably be like…yeah, well, he gets ninety, Scoots. You get…then we get eight, and then you get one percent. I’d say, well, if…do I have to do anything? ‘Cause maybe that could be a deal I could be into, then. Like, nothing…for one percent? Maybe I would think about…nah. Well, I don't know. Anyway, where was I? Oh, regular listeners, I’m so glad I can be here for you and that you keep coming back and that I can help you get to sleep on a regular basis. But let me talk to the new listeners here. Hey, new listeners, welcome.

 

This podcast is very different, so I just want to introduce you to a couple ideas to help you understand what’s happening. So, if you’re new, the first thing to note is if you’re having feelings about this podcast that are neutral or non-neutral, that’s understandable. Most people, when they get here, they say, what is…? I don't know if people do a lot of squinting, but the emotional version of that where you say, what is that over there? Where it’s just quite out of…you say, what is that? I do that a lot when I’m walking my dog at night and she sees something that I don't see or senses something. Usually it’s a C-A-T or what she thinks is one, and I can't see it. I say, what is that you’re looking at there? What is it? ‘Cause then I say, well, maybe we’ll cross the street or something. The cat’s probably taking a bath or something.

 

If it’s a cat, I say…here’s one…here’s something I just got a random question that came up for me, is like, anybody see squirrels at night? I’m not kidding. How did it take me my whole life to just wonder that? I say, when was the last time you saw a squirrel at night? You see raccoons at night, but not squirrels, huh? There’s probably a 99% chance tonight when I take Koa for a walk, I’ll see forty…they’ll say, oh, well, you just never noticed us, Scoots. We’re here. We’re enjoying the evening and we don’t…we scurry during the day so we can relax our evenings away. But yeah, we’re around. Oh, sorry, squirrels. Okay, so, I forgot…oh, so, new listeners…so, this podcast is very different. That’s one of the reasons you’re probably having strong feelings about it. So, that’s why I want to tell you a couple things.

 

One, this podcast does not work for everybody, but in the high ninety percent of the people it worked for that listen on a regular basis, it took two or three tries for them to get used to it. So, give it two or three tries, and if you don’t like the podcast, it doesn't mean there’s anything wrong. It just means you don’t like it. It’s just a natural thing. You say, oh no, I just don’t like the show. So, there’s no judgement on my end if you don’t like the show, either. I hope you do and I hope it can help, and I can only tell you from experience that it takes two or three tries for most people to adjust. Some of the things you have to adjust to is…one, well, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, all those things. Second, this isn't a podcast you really listen to.

 

Just like not a lot of people go…people go bird-watching, but you never hear…just because Hollywood has never glamorized it, once again, is people…you don’t hear a lot of people going squirrel-watching, though I would probably…that would probably be a delightful pastime. You’d say, well, yeah, people like the birds 'cause they sing and…but if you…squirrel-watching? You know what squirrels do most of the time? They frolic. Now, they’re harder to watch, but oh boy, is it worth it. So, there, I just glamorized squirrel-watching. Squirrel Watch, the podcast about squirrel-watching and things interesting to squirrel-watchers. Hey Craig, what…? That’s from Scriptnotes. Then he’d say, hello, my name is Craig Mazin. I am here in a tree watching squirrels…'cause he usually puts a voice on every time.

 

Anyway, so…oh boy, how did we get to…? Oh, this is kind of a bit like…I wouldn't say it’s like squirrel-watching because that’s something you don’t really think about, right? You say, well, yeah, I watch the birds more. I notice the squirrels but they’re moving around, so I just kinda notice them on the side. I’m barely paying attention. You’re Barely Paying Attention: The Squirrel Story. Yep, that’s how it is being a squirrel. You don’t even think we’re out at night; we are. But yeah, you say, well, I didn’t notice, Scoots. I didn’t notice. That’s what a regular listener would say if we had breakfast together. I’d say, did you hear…did you…did you hear the show last night? Well, I turned it on, yeah, Scoots. Oh yeah, well, which episode was it? ‘Cause I’m working on…oh, I don't…I didn’t notice, Scoots.

 

Whatever one was in my podcast played. Okay. Do you know what I was talking about? Hm. I think you were talking about melame, maybe, or mac…? Maybe macaroni or macrame or melame or Mel Torme. I don't know. Maybe it was Paul Anka. I got no…Scoots, maybe it could have been Don Ho. I don't know. Okay, so, I was either talking about macaroni or Don Ho? Scoots, I have no idea. I just…I was barely listening. You did a great job once…oh, thank you so much. It really means a lot to me. That would be how it goes, and that would be genuine. I’d say, thanks for not listening. This is the only podcast that that happens. You say, yeah, you don’t really need to listen to him. That would be where they’d break the wall and they’d turn to you and they’d say, this is really how you use the podcast.

 

You don’t really listen to him. It’s great, the greatest thing, and he’s not even really here having breakfast. It’s just a podcast, so I don't even have to think about it. So, that’s the first thing that can throw new people off. The second thing is that I don't really put you to sleep. There are other sleep audios out there and most of them are different than this show, but this sleep…this podcast doesn't put you to sleep. It keeps you company and then…while you fall asleep. I’m here to barely entertain you and take your mind off of stuff. I’m here to be your companion in the deep, dark night, your bore-bruh, your bore-friend, your bore-bestie, your bore-bae, your bore-sib, your bore-cuz, your bore…the borer, you know? I’m your bore-bud. That’s really what I’m here to be.

 

So, you don’t really listen to me and you don’t really fall asleep. That’s why the episodes are over an hour or right around an hour, so you have plenty of time to drift off. But here’s the other part of the bore-bud role, is I’m here to the very end. So, if you can't sleep or you wake up or you’re just…you need a little…you say, I need somebody to barely just talk to me that I can barely listen to during the day or at night. I’m here. That’s what I’m here for. Believe it or not, I’m working this whole episode, but you don’t…the work I put into it, it’s…I guess it’s twofold; it’s there if you need it and it’s there if you don’t…if you need it but you don’t need it. So, those are two things to know if you’re a new listener.

 

A couple other things to know; structurally…and I don't understand…I guess I keep coming back to this and I always point it out but then people always don’t get it, but maybe 'cause they skip this part; so, the show starts off with a greeting; ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, friends beyond the binary. I hope you know that that means that you’re welcome here and that the show is built on empathy and compassion for other human beings. Maybe not as…I’m trying to increase my squirrel-based compassion and empathy, too, but the times I’ve tried to pretend to be a squirrel, they’ve said, Scoots, this is the last time we’re gonna give you a warning. This is our tree. I say, okay, sorry about that again. I say, actually, could you call…?

 

‘Cause my squirrel outfit’s actually caught on this branch, too, and I still have a mouth…it’s hard for me to talk to you with my cheeks full of…I don't have it full of…I have it full of nut butter, so they’re kinda stuck in my cheeks. Don’t do any of this. This is just imaginary, by the way. Okay, what was I saying before I climbed up in a tree? Barely listen…oh, structurally…so, that’s the greeting, then there’s business. The top business is not really that long, but it’s…usually our sponsor, he likes…then Patreon and resources for listeners. Then there’s our intro. So, sometimes I think people think the intro and the business…I don't know. But the intro’s around twenty, twenty-five minutes of me trying to explain what the podcast is, but that’s one…that’s the surface…what the intro seems like it is.

 

Really what the intro is is me warming it up and cooling it down at the same time so you can ease into bed or bedtime. So, if you become a regular listener, you’ll notice…oh, well, I’m gonna start Scoots before I get in bed. Or, you know what? I’m gonna start knitting and listen to Scoots on the couch and then get in bed, or I’m gonna do some doodling in bed or I’m gonna do…whatever, look at my macaroni or macrame or Macrame Today, one of the great publications. It used to be Made of Macrame. I don't know what that…or melame. Yeah…oh, and then I’m gonna make sure tomorrow morning that I wake up to that Melanie and Mel Torme podcast, 'cause they’re talking about Don Ho. They have Don Ho on. So, that…and they’re making macaroni. So, okay…oh, what was I saying? I don't know.

 

Oh, so, the whole idea of the intro is it becomes part of your bedtime routine to ease you into bedtime and give you some distance from the day, because I can't really…I don't have the power to just put you to sleep. I only have the power to slowly distract you while you fall asleep. Really, only…the only thing I can do is be here and keep you company and be your bore-bud, but that’s really the most important job I’ve ever had in my entire life, though I’ve had other important jobs like working in a library. This is important to you right now if it can help you. So…oh, structurally…so, that’s the intro…because sometimes people say, what is the intro? Why do you keep going on and on and on? I say, well, give it two or three tries. I think you’ll understand.

 

Then there’s business after the intro but before our episode, and that’s how podcast structure works. It’s just the way…and that’s actually the business that keeps the podcast coming out free. Then there’s our episode. Tonight it’s a crossover episode that you heard me talk about at the top of the show for my friends Travis and Kaitlin at Fool & Scholar Productions, Vast Horizon. So, you’ll…this is a reimagining of one of their episodes. So, then you can…you could be like, wow, I gotta check this podcast out tomorrow during the day. But for now it’ll be here to put you to sleep, a bit like a bedtime story. Or, more or less, I’m taking a episode of their exciting podcast and making it into a bedtime story. So, then there’s thank-yous at the end. So, that’s the structure of the show.

 

So, you can fall asleep at any time, but usually it eases listeners into bedtime or it keeps them company as they…whatever’s going on. So, the structure of the show, that’s…oh, the reason I make the show. The reason I make the show…like I said, I’ve been there, including last night. I said, what the hey is going on? Sometimes it just happens. You do everything right, so you think, and then something comes up and you say, why can't I fall asleep? I had everything planned out and I did everything…I did it all. Holy…what do they call that? Holy sleep hygiene, Robin. I didn’t say that last night 'cause I said, what in the strong, strong words for adults only…? Because I’ve been there, even recently, and I know it can feel…there’s a lot of feelings associated with not being able to fall asleep, and there’s some primary ones.

 

I’m here to kinda intersect with that or interrupt that and keep you company and take your mind off of that. Then ideally you could fall asleep, or at least you could say, okay, I got a place…I can breathe here. ‘Cause eventually I reach acceptance. I say, okay…but it always…even though I’ve been doing this podcast for a long time and having issues with sleep my whole life, I still have to go through all those other stages most of the time. Then I say, okay, well, let me just do something different for a little while and then I’ll fall asleep, or I won't and then I’ll try to figure it out tomorrow or take a nap. Inevitably, that usually helps. This podcast can hopefully interupt that cycle just because I’m outside of you and I’m here to work on your behalf. Really, that’s what I’m here to do.

 

The reason why I’m here to work on your behalf is because your sleep is important. You deserve a good night's sleep and if I can help with that, it really gives my life purpose. Now, I can't help…it doesn't…like I said, I can't help everybody. I wish I did, but I hope I can help you because if you get a good night's sleep, you could be in a position to flourish and live your life more fully, and that’s really a beautiful thing, almost as beautiful as if I get a place…a chance to take a little nap later today. So, that’s why I’m here. That’s my job and that’s what’s important. Now, if you’re new, yeah, like I said, give it a few tries. It might not work for you. It might not be your thing. I have creaky, dulcet tones, I’m strange, and I’m not everybody’s cup of tea, but just see how it goes.

 

There’s nothing to lose to give it two or three tries and then say, nah. Or, I mean, more and more often what happens is…the people that already had strong, strong dislike are already kind of sending me stuff that’s not super nice. But if you’re still here, you could try other sleep podcasts. Sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou…or Empty Bowl or Sleep Whispers. Just start there and see if there’s something else out there. Then some people find their way back. That happens more and more often because…and that’s just a natural part of it for…we’ve had that ‘I’ll never watch that show’. Then you say…somebody says, have you seen that? I say, no. Maybe I’ll check it out now.

 

People come back to this with fresh ears where they strongly listened once, had a strong reaction, then either had something come up or someone said, hey, are you sure you haven't tried that? Have you tried not listening to that podcast? Well, how do I do that? Well, you just turn it on and you kinda barely…oh, the first time I was listening and it was…Scooter’s too much to handle. I say, yeah, you don’t handle him. You just let him…it’s kinda like you’re a sieve; he just passes through you. I mean, on a metaphor…not even in a metaphor…no, thank you, Scooter. Please don’t pass…no problem. I wouldn't pass through you. Pass by you, breeze by…okay, yeah, thanks, Scooter. Thanks anyway for that stuff. Sorry I wasn’t listening to you at breakfast.

 

No, that was…actually, you’re a figment of my imagination for the listeners. Oh, even I don't listen to you, Scoots. Yeah, it means I’m doing my job. That’s what I’m proud…believe it or not, I’m proud of that. I’m proud even the figments of my imagination don’t need to listen to me. Thanks for pointing that out. So, I’m glad you’re here. I really hope I can help you sleep by you…by me keeping you company and you just kinda tuning me out or barely listening. Or if you need to, you can listen. I’ll be here. But I appreciate you coming by. I work really hard. I yearn and I strive. I really hope I can help you fall asleep, and here’s a couple of ways…this is really how we’re able to bring you this podcast for free. Thanks.

 

Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether that’s thoughts on…things on your mind, thoughts about the past, the present, or future, thoughts from the day, repetitive thoughts from people repeating stuff, any thoughts. Obviously I’m familiar with those. It could be feelings, it could be emotions that are coming up for you related to those thoughts or that are just there, because I guess as human beings, we emote.

 

I mean, I know we do, believe…'cause I spent about twenty-five years trying to not, and I learned that doesn't work so well. So, feelings, any physical sensations…that’s another thing that can get in the way. I’m here…whatever it is. It could be one of those things. It could be time, temperature, changes in routine, schedule. Whatever it is, I’m here to take your mind off whatever’s keeping you awake and keep you company while you fall asleep. What I propose to do…and it’s more gonna be…I’m proposing…a proposal to attempt something, which…that’s interesting. I wonder if I could make it back to that thought, 'cause that’s the story of my life, is proposing to attempt something and then I out-think myself. You’re already…some of you may be already nodding.

 

You say, man, that’s something I can relate to barely, 'cause I can barely follow what you’re saying. But yeah, I propose to attempt things all the time. In this case, I’ve followed through quite a few times on this podcast. But so, what I’m gonna propose to attempt to do…'cause in this case, it’s two ways. It has to get to you, but I’m gonna…I have a safe place here rolled out, padded, puffed up…smoothed, patted, rubbed it down, I said ‘safe place’. I can hold my hand on my heart while my other hand further smoothes and pats that safe place, just like you would when you’re…you say, hey, come on over. There’s a nice spot for you here. Or would you prefer this spot over…? Oh, you…I don't need to pat your spot. Don't worry. No, no, you like it cool to the touch?

 

So, I’ll just…from five feet away, I will do a counterclockwise imaginary smoothing and patting and rubbing-down of your safe place. Or, no, I could…you’re right; I could just give you a map. Oh yeah, you could just discover your safe place on your own. Sure. Whatever it is, the next step is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders which you’ve probably already seen a few, superfluous tangents, extra words or word fragments, segments of words and sentences…I guess what’s the difference between…? A fragment’s more something you break off, right? You say, well, that’s a fragment. It’s been frag…a fragment is something that’s gone through fragmentation, where a segment I guess would be…segment feels more geometrical.

 

Well, everything’s geometrics. You’re right, brain. Was that my left brain or my right brain that said that? I think it was my left brain that said I’m right. There’s some irony. But, yeah, segmentation…it does feel more…can I say delineated? Would that make any sense when it comes to…where fragmentation feels a little bit more…slightly chaotic. Not chaotic neutral. I’d say, what’s your character’s…? I’d say, well, slightly chaotic. Well, that sounds more like how you’re…that’s an alignment? Well, it’s just how my character behaves, slightly chaotic. Mostly passive. That would be my character alignment, mostly passive, slightly chaotic, generally…yeah, very shy and introverted but comes across a little bit…you’d probably not know they were shy. You’d say, oh boy, they got an attitude.

 

Anyway, I think I was saying I was gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night and use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones. So, if you’re new, a couple things to know somewhat upfront…is this podcast is very different, so see how it goes…or wonder, could I see how this goes? It’s very different, I’m noticing right away. I’m not sure how to feel about it and I’m not sure if I like this or you, Scooter. I’d say, that’s no problem. I understand. You may be even feeling skeptical or doubtful, and I’d say that’s a very normal reaction to this podcast. That’s exactly…I would be skeptical. I’d be like, wait a second…even though I make the show, I can still immediate…I say, wait a second, there’s a dude…wait, what does he do? He doesn't…wait, there’s a eighteen-minute intro where he tries to introduce the podcast?

 

Yeah, that’s one part of it. Does he try to circle back? Well, I don't know if he tries. Yeah, he’s an attempt…what did he say he does? He’s attempting a propose…he writes proposals…well, he doesn't even write them. He attempts to write proposals of attempt…of things he’s going to attempt. He’s making an attempt to write a proposal of something he’d like to attempt. That sounds like his autobiography. Now I know who you’re…okay, so that’s the kind of person that makes this podcast, huh? Well, most of the time he says, one day I’ll attempt to write a proposal of things I’m going to attempt, but right now I’m feel…this is really what happens. This is like my…you say, oh boy, that’s really stressing me out that I…can we just do that tomorrow, the proposing…attempting to propose what we’re gonna attempt, please?

 

That’s…really happens during most of my day. I say, please, this is literally…this is…if you want a peek behind the curtain, you’re getting it now. You say, Scoots, what’s one thing that happens to you every day? You must…do you listen to the bird songs and skip the lou and…? I say, no, but you could tell I wish I did that. But, you know, no. Usually I get into an internal debate about a proposal…attempting to make a proposal to attempt things. I usually…if it was a debate, I would…technically I guess I would lose that debate, but usually it just wears me out. I say, oh god, yeah, I can't…I just can't do it today, 'cause there’s something I’ve been putting off. It’s curious. If you’re listening and you know what I’m talking about, you say, isn't that curious? Why can't I get that done?

 

Now I’ve gotten to a place — because of the podcast — where I say, well, at least I can be curious and somewhat kind about it. It still exhausts me. It’s still a little bit embarrassing and perplexing and confusing. You say, well, yeah, I get…I can get this other stuff done. I just don’t understand why I can't get that done. I can't even get a propose…attempt…and you say, well, just do…then there’s that purdy parse of you, the internal…that says, well, just get it done. Just do it. Quit whiffle-waffling. I’d say…and I think this is…if there was…I think this is more of a perjorative term, but a fainting couch I think is something that used to be a thing. It looks like a chaise lounge, and they would have these in parlors. I think this was definitely invented by the…what do you call that? The patriarchy.

 

But if there’s a patriarch that used a fainting couch, it would be me, 'cause I guess…technically am I a patriarch? ‘Cause I’m a father. I don't know. I’d prefer not to be in the patriarchy. I’d prefer…I would spend a lot of time on a fainting couch, but I would use more…it’d be more like sweating after having a rigorous debate with myself about attempting to get something done. Oh boy, and trying to introduce the podcast to new listeners…but yeah, I had to get real there, new listeners, 'cause that’s just who I am. I’m a person who attempts to propose to attempt things most of my life. Even now, you’d say, really, Scoots? You’re not skipping to the lou. I’d say, my darling, sometimes I am. So, sometimes you could hear my joy.

 

I do have that, especially when I can make some…I can sneak something like that in and skip to the lou with my darlings, my bore-baes. I don't know, maybe…you say…actually, a lot of…this is true; I haven't skipped to the loo, double O, but I might try to do that. Let’s try to do that. Let’s just agree…talk about anti…whatever part of us would put me on a fainting couch…'cause I say, well, can't I just spend five minutes doing that? Oh, no. Let’s spend fifteen minutes considering you spending five minutes, because all the down…you say, okay. You know what I’m gonna start doing? I’m gonna start skipping to the bathroom, skipping to the loo, and saying ‘my darling’. Then what I’ll do is I’ll say ‘my darlin’…when I get to the mirror, I’ll do a double thumb squirt gun. That should be something.

 

If anybody’s down for that, #skiptotheloo, double O…skipping to the loo…it’d probably be confusing 'cause there’s so many…skippin’, I-N…whatever that thing is, one apostrophe…to the lou. I might even put to de lou. I probably spell lou sometimes L-O-U, and then you gotta autocorrect. Let’s not even attempt it. It’s just too much. I gotta lie down. But that could be fun. I’m gonna do it today. Hopefully I’ll remember. The good thing about the podcast is you’ll remind me. The cooler thing is you’re far in my future, so maybe by then…you say, what happened to that sleep podcast? He stopped making that. They say, yeah, he’s making the Skip to the Lou Cast. He changed the world. Remember how 2020 was going? Do I ever.

 

Yeah, well, in September of 2020, late September, he was skipping to the bathroom and it caught fire. Once everybody started skipping to the bathroom, there were some ankle…twisted ankles and things, and you say, you gotta even be more careful about those toys, Junior, now that I’m…now, he…unfortunately he bankrupted all of the…the last great fainting…the great fainting couch barons. They were really…everyone thought it was other things, but it was really the barons that ran fainting couches. That was what 2020 was all about. Once they were undone, everybody was skipping to the bathroom or the loo or something to the…whatever fun thing you can do that’s…rhymes with WC or banyo. Or, you know what I mean.

 

So, oh boy, this is…I’m supposed to be telling new listeners about the pod…oh, I have a tendency to go off topic; that’s one thing you should know if you’re new. So, this is a podcast you don’t really listen to. That rhymed with…’new’ and ‘loo’ rhyme. I just had to point that out even though it was…some part of me is like, that’s obvious. Oh yeah, you’re right. It is. When things rhyme, it’s obvious, huh? What about when they almost rhyme? That’s when I even feel stronger to point it out. Skipping to the lou with you…that would not be…you’d say, no. I’m just gonna skip to the lou not with…just with me, my internal me, my darling, my internal darling. Okay, I gotta get back to the intro. So, if you’re new, you’re getting a really good dose of when I go off topic, but it’s kinda silly. It’s a little bit goofy. Very strange; you’re right. Very strange.

 

A grown man skipping to the bathroom can change…who would have thought that could change the world? Not many people did. Changed his world, though. You should have seen him; he went from a total grouch to just partially grouchy. Okay, so, Sleep With Me, that’s the podcast I’m in the middle of trying to do an intro for. So, the show starts off with a greeting. This is other things that throw new listeners off. I do a greeting; ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, friends beyond the binary, swamp-based beings in this case, 'cause this is Otter Things. Then there’s business. The business is a few minutes, then there’s an intro that’s around twenty minutes of me…what we’re just doing now. We’re just talking. I kinda try to introduce the podcast and get you ready, and for regular listeners, ease you into bedtime.

 

For a new listener, you say, wait a second, when’s the story start? When are you gonna get on with it? I’d say, eventually I’ll get there. But the real…the intro really just…as you start to become a listener, you say, oh, I start it, I start getting ready for bed or I get in bed, I get comfortable, then I remember I gotta skip off to the loo, then I get back in bed, then I’m even more relaxed. Then I’m…and the podcast was playing the whole time. It’s really something familiar because the intro kinda follows the same structure every time, but it’s different every time. We’ve never talked about this before that I remember, which probably means I talked about it five times in the last seven years, but…so, man, I’m in a good mood. I really think I’m onto something.

 

You think this could get me…is there any prizes that aren’t a Nobel or a Pulitzer prize that aren’t goofs, either? You say, yeah, we got you. If JoyGerm Joan was still around, I bet you she’d give me a prize if I followed through on it. The problem would be I could skip to the loo myself, but the idea of the Skip to the Loo Foundation or something, that’s too tiring. Sorry. I better just do this intro. So, that’s the intro. For new listeners, it’s understandable; it can be…you could have strong objections to the intro. Some people…and I don't exactly know why, but they get…they feel like it’s one big advertisement or something. It’s like, no, there’s ads at the beginning of the intro and after the end of the intro, but in-between is eighteen to twenty minutes of content that I more or less put some work into to ease you into bedtime.

 

So, then after the intro is business. That’s how the podcast structure works, then there’s a story. Tonight will be our episodically modular series that you can listen to in any order at all, Otter Things, and it’s totally relaxing and very sleepy. Then there’s thank-yous at the end. So, that’s the structure of the show, and the other things you really need to know which we kinda covered…you don’t really need to listen to me. You just kinda barely listen and eventually you’ll adjust, and it takes two or three times to get used to this podcast. That’s what most listeners say. Thousands and thousands and thousands of people have told me it took two or three tries. First you kinda got on my nerves, and I accept that. Some people…a lot…you’d say, what do you mean I got on your…? I’d say, are you kidding me? Of course I got on your nerves.

 

I’m a bit different. I have creaky, dulcet tones, and I overuse things like skipping to the loo. I don't know if you could say skip to the lou — you could try it — without…and be in a bad mood. I mean, somebody will. I can say it enough times to put some people in a bad mood. But again, maybe then it’s like, oh, this just wasn’t the podcast for me. I’d prefer march to the lou. I say, okay, yeah, that makes sense. That’s probably…you’re probably…yeah, you might be looking for something different, then. Though, if you marched like a robot, then you say, well, no. I think you’re a Sleep With Me listener. I could see that, marching to the roo, robot…that’s where a robot…a marching robot goes to the bathroom…? The roo. Then they say, roo, roo, roo, sweet pickles.

 

Okay, so, structure of the show, don’t need to listen, no pressure to fall asleep, either…I’m gonna be here for about an hour. This podcast doesn't even really put you to sleep. It keeps you company while you drift off, or if you can't sleep or if you wake up and you need some company, that’s what I’m here for. I’m gonna be here making the show to the very end. So, there’s the story, there’s thank-yous…that’s the structure of the show. The reason I make the show…I think this soliloquy or whatever we went on points it out. I do a lot of overthinking. There’s parts of me that are very not easy to deal with, and I spend my whole life dealing with them at bedtime and during the day. I don't know, they’re there and they’re just parts of me. I say, well, I’m just trying to get some sleep now.

 

What I learned is if I can get something outside of me to take my mind off of it, it makes it easier for me to fall asleep. But I do know that when you can't sleep, whether it’s one of those reasons or just something baffling, it could be really frustrating, and that’s why I want to help. That’s one reason. The other reason is because you deserve a good night's sleep. You deserve a place where you can get some rest. If you do, the likelihood…people who get a good night’s rest are 98% more likely to consider skipping to the lou when it’s proposed to them on a sleep podcast. That’s a future fact, maybe. So, that’s why I make the show. I want you to get some rest and have a nice place and be able…that your life’s a little bit brighter and that bedtime has a little bit less dread.

 

That’s why I make the show, because you are important and if I can help you, it really would be my…it would make me want to skip to the lou. What else would? I know how it feels. I know how it feels; lonely, frustrating, and all that other stuff. So, I want to help if I can. Unfortunately, like I said, this podcast doesn't work for everybody, but I really, really, hope it works for you. Give it a few tries, not for me but for you, just to see how it goes, 'cause I really appreciate you coming by. I really work hard. I yearn and I strive, and I just want to help you fall asleep. Thank you again, and here’s a couple ways I’m able to bring you this show for free twice a week.

 

Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts you’re thinking about, so thoughts, things on your mind, feelings, so anything coming up for you emotionally, feelings, physical sensations, changes in time…so, anything that you’re thinking about, anything you’re experiencing emotionally or feeling physically or any of those. So, those are some things that keep me up at night, but it could be other stuff.

 

I’m only laughing ‘cause I said, wait a second, all those things at different times, but I won’t get into it. Or it could be changes in time, temperature, outside noise, partner noise, pet…anything. West-end boys…east-end girls and west-end boys…I mean, I do hear from people that live in…above stuff, and you say, it’s so noisy down there. Or you say, is that a 80s song reference, Scoots? I say, maybe. I don’t know. I mean, I think so. I think it was in maybe the 90s. I don’t know. Pet Shop Boys, right? That’s not the…is that not who sang that? I don’t think it is, because it wouldn’t make sense. I think…was that Londonbeat? I’m not sure. I know I’ll think of it later and be embarrassed. But so, where was I? So, whatever’s keeping you awake…whatever it is, I’m gonna try to take your mind off of stuff.

 

What I’m gonna do is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents. I’m gonna go off-topic and…oh, extra words, believe me. But really, what I’m gonna do…what did…? Creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders…oh yeah, extra words, confusion…profusion of confusion; I haven’t trademarked that, but…‘cause there’s not really many other uses for it. I don’t know, we could use it…you could use it in your own life, ‘cause you say, what…how am I feeling? When you’re doing a check-in…I don’t know if a lot of people do that, but I’ve been trying to set more time aside for that, a little few-minute check-in. I say, well, what am I feeling? Can I label some of these feelings or…? Well, I’m feeling a profusion of confusion.

 

Could that be…are there any…does anybody listen that makes dating apps? Is there a dating app where you say what your mood is or maybe just in general? ‘Cause that…you say well, what’s my mood? A profusion of confusion. Or you could say…’cause people use it…when you’re sweating, right? They say, I’m sweating profusely. I’m profusely confused. I have confusion pouring out my pores, and that’s just a matter of fact. So, if you feel that way, if you’re profusely confused, you’re in the right place. You may be…that may be meta. If you’re new, you could be confusing…you could be having a profusion of confusion. You could be confounded, too. Confounded by Scoots can sometimes result in a confrown…confrownsion, too.

 

Also, I overuse words. So, if you’re new, let me check-in with you here because…just in case a confound…confunction…confrownsion’s happening. That’s when you’re so confounded by me, you frown. As a normal…here’s the thing; totally normal reaction to this podcast. Not out of the ordinary at all. A lot of people have that reaction; in fact, in the high-ninety percentile. The first time you listen, this podcast is very different, and hopefully it stays very different in a good way so all my people that are listening that have been listening for three, six, nine hundred episodes, thanks for being there for me and I’m glad I can be there for you. So, whether you’ve been listening…this is your first listen or your thousandth, it can be confounding, but especially the first few.

 

The best advice I can give you is…I just read a review that said ‘Just kick back and let the magic happen.’ I would just say, but it won’t…it will be like a magician setting up tricks. One time I went to see a team of magicians, two magicians, and it was in LA when I volunteered at the Anthony Quinn Library for the summer program. The librarian had hired two magicians. This was when I was a youngster. I was like, twenty-two, twenty-three. The two magicians arrived and they were somewhere between sixteen and twenty-four. I really don’t know. They were…I thought they were great, but they also…the kids kept catching their tricks a little bit and…but I also thought…I had to watch them set up and stuff ‘cause I was a volunteer.

 

So, I guess my point is that this podcast…if you let the magic happen, it’s like letting the magician…if you get to a magic show early and you’re watching the magician set up their tricks but you’re not trying to figure the tricks out…you’re just like huh, stuffing a…what, are you stuffing a…what is that called? A string? No, it’s a rope…into a bottle. Pleasant watching you do that. I’m not even gonna ponder what that trick is for or if you’re…if it’s an illusion or magic. I’m just watching you…I’m just watching a magician set up. Not everybody has the brain to do that. I do, unfortunately. I mean, some…I guess ‘cause I’m always surprised. I could watch a magic trick…I’m just one of those people…I watched all those specials.

 

I talk about this on the intro all the time and then I see it again; I say, I can watch one of those magic…behind the magic person or whatever. I mean, I have to…as long as it’s five years apart, I say, wait, how are they gonna do that again? I say, I have no idea. Then a lot of times I watch it and I still say, how did they…what? What in the…? For a little while I thought David Blaine was magic. Even when I was watching those…even though I knew it wasn’t, I said, this is like magic. But this would be the other side of it. You’re still like, this isn’t magical watching you set up, but I’m not really paying…I’m barely paying attention to you setting up your tricks.

 

So, if you could consume the pod…I know that’s confusing and maybe confounding and perplexing, but if you could consume the podcast in that way, kind of a kicked-back, uninterested way, that’s…that was one piece of advice I got recently from a listener…and give the show a few tries. So, just kinda barely pay attention to the podcast. So, this is a podcast you barely listen to. It’s also a sleep podcast that’s not really here to put you to sleep. I’m here to keep you company as you drift off. The shows are about an hour so you have plenty of time. Or if you can’t sleep, I’m here to keep you company to the very end. So, whether you’re awake or asleep, I’m here for you. So, those are a couple things. What else do I need you to know?

 

So, a podcast you don’t listen to, a podcast here to keep you company as you drift off…oh, structurally what to expect…this can throw new listeners off, and I guess understandably. So, the show starts off with a greeting; ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, friends beyond the binary, and my beautiful bakers, because tonight we’re doing the Great British Bake-off or Great British Baking Show. So, that’s the greeting so you feel welcome. This is a welcoming place. Then there’s the business. The business is about six minutes or something. Sometimes I ramble more. That’s how we’re able to bring the podcast twice a week to you. Then there’s an intro where I ramble for about twelve to twenty minutes.

 

Some new listeners can have…they don’t know where the business ends and the intro begins. The intro is where I introduce the show, explain how it works and never get…I barely ever get to a point because I go off-topic so much. So, you kinda get an idea of what to expect. For the first twenty minutes, I’m here keeping you company and explaining what the podcast is. I mean, just to go back to that magician, if they were saying, yeah, well, here’s what I’m doing; I’m stuffing a rope in a bottle and later what I’ll do is I’ll be tying some knots on this here rope and I may…you may notice that the rope…the bottle…this is the old bottle-climbs-the-rope-trick. Not a trick, though. It’s not an illusion; it’s…the bottle climbs the rope.

 

Also, I like to add some comedy in, so I’ll also have a misdirect where…I have a double misdirect where the trick fails twice, and then on the third time, the one time the bottle doesn’t…the bottle deflates. Then another time, the rope does…the rope barks at me like a dog. So, at that point, you may tune out. I mean, unless you’re really into magic and understanding magic…I’m more appreciate…I appreciate it. I don’t have the dexterity to be doing magic. I mean, except for the magic of keeping you company and taking your mind off of stuff, but that’s a whole different illusion. I do it with the gummies in my brain. So, what was my…? Oh, the intro’s a bit like that. So, for a new listener, it can really throw you off, but for a regular listener, it’s something ninety…high-ninety percentile of listeners enjoy listening to.

 

There’s nothing wrong with not liking the intros. In fact, you could skip them. Regular listeners either start the show at twenty minutes or they subscribe on Patreon where they get story-only episodes. But for most listeners, the intro is part of their wind-down routine or their bedtime routine. So, they’ll start playing it before they get in bed or as they’re getting in bed, as they get comfortable, as they’re doing some sort of other wind-down, or some people are falling asleep right now. Goodnight. You look so cute there. Poofity-poofity-poo, I just went…my magic wand and…oh, there’s where the bottle is. That bottle popped out of my magic wand. That would be a magic trick. Then they catch it and it’s like a real glass bottle. Some magician listening, you could do that.

 

You could figure out the magic part of it, but I would clap for that. I would be like, oh my goodness, that’s a real bottle. There’s no way it could fit in a magic wand. Because it’s glass, I would assume that there’s no sort of trickery because you can’t really…so, I say, how did that person do that? I thought it was gonna be flowers. Oh, sorry, I’m in the middle of a podcast intro. So, just see…as you start to become a regular listener, you can kind of adjust and see how you like to listen to the intro, but just realize the intro’s here to give you some distance away from the day and to start to drift away, because for me, I know I can’t fall asleep right away. It just never has worked for me.

 

So, anything that involves someone else telling me or some sort of step-by-step process where at the end of it I’m supposed to be asleep, it doesn’t work. It’s more like slowly turning down the volume. So, that’s really what the intro is here for. It’s long and dragged out because I want to get…you know. I don’t know, I think that makes sense. Then there will be some business between the intro and the episode, and then we will talk about the Great…the second-half of the first episode of the ninth…I don’t know, we’ll talk about part of an episode of the Great British Baking Show or the Great British Bake Off. Oh boy, will it be a treat. I think it’ll be rolling like a wagon wheel. So, that’s the…oh, and then the show ends with thank-yous. So, that’s the structure of the show.

 

I think the only other things you need to know is that…let’s see. Oh, yeah, give the podcast a few tries. The reason I make the show; because I’ve been there. I know how it feels tossing and turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep. So, I just want to help if I can. Then also, you deserve a good night’s sleep. It’s just a fact, and I would like to live in a world where you’re rested and you’re flourishing, and if I could take part in that and help, it’s great, but if you’re doing it, that’s even better. You getting to live the life…you know, your life more fully, holy cow, that’s really an honor to assist in that in any way I can. So, that’s it.

 

That’s the structure of the show. I think that’s everything you need to know other than give it a few tries, see how it goes. You got nothing to lose, really, I mean except for frowns. That’s a common experience. So, I’m glad you’re here. I really appreciating you checking this show out. All you regular listeners, I love you. Thank you so much for coming back time after time and supporting this podcast and your appreciation. I couldn’t do it without all of you. I work hard, I yearn and I strive, and I really want to help you fall asleep, and here’s a couple of ways I’m able to do this for you twice a week.

 

[END OF RECORDING]

(Transcription performed by LeahTranscribes)

All Intros

Playmobil

https://www.smithsonianmag.com/innovation/how-playmobil-went-from-simple-smiling-figure-worldwide-sensation-180973676/

https://independentplastic.com/the-history-of-playmobil/

https://ramblingbrick.com/2017/06/12/playmobil-in-competition-or-comparison/

 

History of Garden Design

https://thursd.com/articles/the-history-and-evolution-of-garden-design-visualized

https://neograss.co.uk/history-of-garden-design/

https://www.gardenvisit.com/history_theory/garden_landscape_design_articles/historic_design_styles

 

Bird Watching

https://qz.com/2024279/birdings-popularity-is-lasting-beyond-the-pandemic

https://www.wired.com/story/pandemic-bird-watching-created-a-data-boom-and-a-conundrum/

https://www.nationalgeographic.com/travel/article/could-a-boom-in-us-birding-help-fund-conservation

 

Skip to my Lou

https://americansongwriter.com/meaning-skip-to-my-lou-song-lyrics/

https://www.musicianauthority.com/skip-to-my-lou-meaning/

http://newfangleddad.blogspot.com/2015/03/the-dark-history-of-skip-to-my-lou.html

 

David Blaine

https://www.cbr.com/david-blaine-health-problems-magic/

https://thoughteconomics.com/david-blaine-interview/

http://willpowered.com/learn/david-blaine-insane-willpower

 

DOWN TO BUSINESS

Welcome swamp friends

 

Deep Dark Night United

n/a

 

PLUGS

Orlando Park Stop Fundraiser; Sleep With Me Plus; SleepPhones; Rusty Biscuit Links; Emily Tat Artwork; Anti-Racism Resources; Ukraine Relief; Crisis Textline

 

SPONSORS

Claritin; Dusker; Helix Sleep; Odoo; Air Doctor Pro; AquaTru; Zocdoc; Progressive

 

INTRO

• • 917
  • Changes in routine
  • The Placiest of the Safe Places
  • I live in California, so my tones are extra creaky right now
  • Why does it take so much work for me to get a good night’s sleep?
  • Just barely pay attention
  • Swamp-Based Beings (SBBs)
  • The Wind Down Routine
  • Why not just play with LEGOs for 15 minutes?
  • Or, heck, even Playmobil
  • Action Figures: They’re not just for action anymore

• Otter Things

• Bedtime should be something you don’t dread
• Chill Figures
• Hasbro, get in touch if you still exist
• Chillaxin’ Figures
• Please don’t tempt me with Toy-Based Bonuses (TBBs)
• Pitching Chillaxin’ Figures to the Toy Barons
• A chillaxin’ figure is different from an action figure chillaxing
• Somewhere between Branding 101 and Branding 201
• Plush is for bed
• I’m glad we’re having this press conference in the middle of a sleep podcast intro
• Different relationships with different toys
• Is that Hasbro HQ calling? Send it to voicemail

 

STORY

• • 918
  • Pop-Up Safe Place
  • This show needs to make less sense before it makes no sense at all
  • Try it loosely, like a robe
  • Where we’re going we don't’ need robes
  • I think this is a parable
  • SWM is like a kitchen towel thrown over your shoulder
  • Outfit-Based Podcasts (OBPs)
  • What is this, a Michelin Five Star Restaurant?
  • Different Wind Down Routines
  • Buff, buff, buff that day out of your hair

• Bake Off to Sleep

• • I’ve been there

• The Grateful Stepping Stone

• • Who was the first person to glamorize the life of a stepping stone?
  • You fill me up with gratitude
  • 919
  • The Near Future
  • Last night, I had sensations, then thoughts, then feelings
  • Sleep is a little full of G-R-I-E-F
  • The 5 Stages of Sleep Grief

• The Stages of Sleeplessness

• • Negotiating royalties with David Sedaris
  • The emotional version of squinting
  • What is that you’re looking at there?
  • Does anybody ever see squirrels at night?
  • I won’t be hurt if you don’t like the show
  • Squirrel Watching would probably be a delightful pastime

• You’re Barely Paying Attention: A Squirrel’s Story

• • Discussing the show with a roommate the following morning
  • I was either talking about macramé or Don Ho
  • Playing the Borebud Role
  • Squirrel-Based Compassion (SBC)
  • My cheeks are full of nut butter
  • A failed attempt to blend in with squirrels
  • Poring through Macramé Today
  • The Melanie and Mel Tormé Podcast
  • Crossover with VAST Horizons
  • Holy Sleep Hygiene, Robin!
  • Just be a sieve, and let Scooter pass by you
  • 920
  • As human beings, we emote
  • A proposal to attempt something
  • What’s the difference between a word fragment and a segment
  • Everything’s Geometrics
  • My left brain is right
  • My own DnD Character Alignment
  • Even I’m skeptical of this show
  • Daily Internal Debates about Proposals to Attempt Things
  • Am I patriarch?
  • The Patriarch that use a fainting couch
  • I’m gonna try skipping to the loo in the future
  • A double thumb squirt gun
  • Let’s make Skipping to the Loo a thing
  • The Skip to the Loo Cast
  • Don’t twist your ankle skipping to the loo
  • The Fainting Couch Barons
  • When things rhyme, it’s obvious
  • Man, I’m in a good mood
  • Could this get me a less notable, non joke prize?
  • Joy Germ Joan would give me a prize, for sure

• Otter Things

• • I prefer to march to the loo
  • Marching robots go to the roo
  • 921
  • East End Girls and West End Boys
  • Is that an 80s song reference? I don’t know
  • Profusion of Confusion
  • Is there a dating app where you say what your mood is?
  • I have confusion pouring out of my pores
  • Con-frown-sion
  • When you’re so confounded by me, you frown
  • Seeing a team of 2 magicians when I volunteered at the Anthony Quinn Library in LA
  • Like watching magicians set up their tricks
  • For a little while, I truly thought David Blaine was magic
  • Just kick back and don’t pay attention

• Great British Bake Off

• The Old Bottle Climbs the Rope Trick
• Plotting my own magic routine
• I appreciate magic, but I don’t need to understand
• I don’t have the dexterity to accomplish magic
• Poofety Poofety Poo
• A real glass bottle coming out of a wand
• The second half of an episode of Bake Off

 

SWM+ THANKS

n/a

 

SUMMARY:

Episode: 1271

Title: Couch Barons | All Intros 917 – 921

Deep Dark Night United: n/a

Plugs: Orlando Park Stop Fundraiser; Sleep With Me Plus; SleepPhones; Rusty Biscuit Links; Emily Tat Artwork; Anti-Racism Resources; Ukraine Relief; Crisis Textline

Sponsors: Claritin; Dusker; Helix Sleep; Odoo; Air Doctor Pro; AquaTru; Zocdoc; Progressive

SWM+ Thanks: n/a

Notable Language:

• 917
• The Placiest of the Safe Places
• Swamp-Based Beings (SBBs)
• Action Figures: They’re not just for action anymore
• Chill Figures
• Chillaxin’ Figures
• Toy-Based Bonuses (TBBs)
• Figure-Based Toy (FBT)
• Daytime Toys
• Bed-Based Plush (BBP)
• 918
• Pop-Up Safe Place
• Outfit-Based Podcasts (OBPs)
• Buffer
• Stepping Stone
• 919
• G-R-I-E-F
• A-N-G-R-Y
• Squint
• C-A-T
• Squirrel Watching
• Squirrel-Based Compassion (SBC)
• Holy Sleep Hygiene, Robin!
• 920
• A proposal to attempt something
• Everything’s Geometrics
• My left brain is right
• Segmentation
• Daily Internal Debates about Proposals to Attempt Things
• Patriarch
• Skipping to the Loo
• 921
• Profusion of Confusion
• Con-frown-sion
• Poofety Poofety Poo

 

Notable Culture:

• • 917
  • LEGO
  • Playmobil
  • Otter Things
  • Emmet Otter

• Stranger Things

• • Hasbro

• Superbad

• • 918
  • Obi-Wan Kenobi
  • Jean-Luc Picard
  • Doc Brown

• Star Wars

• Star Trek

• Back to the Future 

• • Michelin
  • “I’m Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair”
  • Bake Off to Sleep

• Great British Bake Off

• • The Grateful Stepping Stone

• 919

• • Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
  • The 5 Stages of Grief

• The Stages of Sleeplessness, ghost written by David Sedaris

• Squirrel Watch, podcast

• • You’re Barely Paying Attention: A Squirrel’s Story
  • Don Ho
  • Mel Torme
  • The Melanie and Mel Tormé Podcast
  • Macramé Today Magazine
  • VAST Horizons Podcast
  • Batman and Robin

• Sleep Whispers

• The Empty Bowl

• • 920
  • Dungeons and Dragons
  • “Skip to my Lou”
  • The Skip to the Loo Cast
  • Pulitzer Prize
  • Nobel Prize
  • Joy Germ Joan
  • Otter Things

• 921

• • Pet Shop Boys
  • Anthony Quinn Library
  • Great British Bake Off

• Magic’s Biggest Secrets Revealed

• David Blaine

 

Notable Talking Points:

• • 917
  • Changes in routine
  • The Placiest of the Safe Places
  • I live in California, so my tones are extra creaky right now
  • Why does it take so much work for me to get a good night’s sleep?
  • Just barely pay attention
  • Swamp-Based Beings (SBBs)
  • The Wind Down Routine
  • Why not just play with LEGOs for 15 minutes?
  • Or, heck, even Playmobil
  • Action Figures: They’re not just for action anymore

• Otter Things

• • Bedtime should be something you don’t dread
  • Chill Figures
  • Hasbro, get in touch if you still exist
  • Chillaxin’ Figures
  • Please don’t tempt me with Toy-Based Bonuses (TBBs)
  • Pitching Chillaxin’ Figures to the Toy Barons
  • A chillaxin’ figure is different from an action figure chillaxing
  • Somewhere between Branding 101 and Branding 201
  • Plush is for bed
  • I’m glad we’re having this press conference in the middle of a sleep podcast intro
  • Different relationships with different toys
  • Is that Hasbro HQ calling? Send it to voicemail
  • 918
  • Pop-Up Safe Place
  • This show needs to make less sense before it makes no sense at all
  • Try it loosely, like a robe
  • Where we’re going we don't’ need robes
  • I think this is a parable
  • SWM is like a kitchen towel thrown over your shoulder
  • Outfit-Based Podcasts (OBPs)
  • What is this, a Michelin Five Star Restaurant?
  • Different Wind Down Routines
  • Buff, buff, buff that day out of your hair

• Bake Off to Sleep

• • I’ve been there

• The Grateful Stepping Stone

• • Who was the first person to glamorize the life of a stepping stone?
  • You fill me up with gratitude
  • 919
  • The Near Future
  • Last night, I had sensations, then thoughts, then feelings
  • Sleep is a little full of G-R-I-E-F
  • The 5 Stages of Sleep Grief

• The Stages of Sleeplessness

• • Negotiating royalties with David Sedaris
  • The emotional version of squinting
  • What is that you’re looking at there?
  • Does anybody ever see squirrels at night?
  • I won’t be hurt if you don’t like the show
  • Squirrel Watching would probably be a delightful pastime

• You’re Barely Paying Attention: A Squirrel’s Story

• • Discussing the show with a roommate the following morning
  • I was either talking about macramé or Don Ho
  • Playing the Borebud Role
  • Squirrel-Based Compassion (SBC)
  • My cheeks are full of nut butter
  • A failed attempt to blend in with squirrels
  • Poring through Macramé Today
  • The Melanie and Mel Tormé Podcast
  • Crossover with VAST Horizons
  • Holy Sleep Hygiene, Robin!
  • Just be a sieve, and let Scooter pass by you
  • 920
  • As human beings, we emote
  • A proposal to attempt something
  • What’s the difference between a word fragment and a segment
  • Everything’s Geometrics
  • My left brain is right
  • My own DnD Character Alignment
  • Even I’m skeptical of this show
  • Daily Internal Debates about Proposals to Attempt Things
  • Am I patriarch?
  • The Patriarch that use a fainting couch
  • I’m gonna try skipping to the loo in the future
  • A double thumb squirt gun
  • Let’s make Skipping to the Loo a thing
  • The Skip to the Loo Cast
  • Don’t twist your ankle skipping to the loo
  • The Fainting Couch Barons
  • When things rhyme, it’s obvious
  • Man, I’m in a good mood
  • Could this get me a less notable, non joke prize?
  • Joy Germ Joan would give me a prize, for sure

• Otter Things

• • I prefer to march to the loo
  • Marching robots go to the roo
  • 921
  • East End Girls and West End Boys
  • Is that an 80s song reference? I don’t know
  • Profusion of Confusion
  • Is there a dating app where you say what your mood is?
  • I have confusion pouring out of my pores
  • Con-frown-sion
  • When you’re so confounded by me, you frown
  • Seeing a team of 2 magicians when I volunteered at the Anthony Quinn Library in LA
  • Like watching magicians set up their tricks
  • For a little while, I truly thought David Blaine was magic
  • Just kick back and don’t pay attention

• Great British Bake Off

• The Old Bottle Climbs the Rope Trick
• Plotting my own magic routine
• I appreciate magic, but I don’t need to understand
• I don’t have the dexterity to accomplish magic
• Poofety Poofety Poo
• A real glass bottle coming out of a wand
• The second half of an episode of Bake Off