1270 – To Market To Market | Alba Salix S1E5
-
Episode 1270 – To Market To Market | Alba Salix S1E5
[START OF RECORDING]
SCOOTER: Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, whether you’re…however…you’re royally tired or you’re royally into Alba Salix or you’re royally…soon you’ll be royally confused. The old, cheesy royale of confusion, as was never said in a film. The old cheesy royale who doesn't even know the…who doesn't…he likes to talk about the metric system even though he’s not quite sure about anything. What would be like a…in my metric system? What’s…what are the metric filler words? I guess that’s what I’m saying. What are the ones I use? They’d say, you don’t…you’re not metric or the other one, Scoots. You’re just…and I say, oshkosh b’gosh, like a…oh boy…that’s another one.
Anyway, if you’re here and you are royally confused, you’re in the right place. Welcome to Sleep With Me, the podcast that’s here to take your mind off of stuff, to keep you company, and ideally put you to sleep. I’m here to be your friend in the deep, dark night, your bore-bae, your bore-sib, your bore-cuz, and more, and…just keep you company as you drift off. The show is very different. So, if you’re new here, I’m so glad you’re here. I really hope we can help. I will say give the podcast a few tries — that’s just what most people say — and see how it goes, 'cause it does take some getting used to. It’s a very different idea. But don't worry, I’m just here to help and keep you company.
If for some reason you already know this isn't the podcast for you, you could check out sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou to take your mind off of stuff. There’s other sleep podcasts and sleepy stuff on here. But what we got coming up is support. You’re gonna get to listen for free by the ad-supported version, then a long, meandering intro separate from the support made to ease you into bedtime, and then later on it’ll be a crossover episode with our friends at Alba Salix. I don't know what Holly, Alba, and Magnus will be up to, but I’m excited to find out and carry you off into dreamland with it. So, welcome to Sleep With Me, the podcast that’s here to put you to sleep. Thanks for making it possible, my bore-friends.
INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake; thoughts, things you’re thinking about, thoughts on your mind, thinking thoughts, thoughts on your mind, think…thoughts about the past, the present, the future. All those thoughts are thoughts I have, sometimes all at once. Thoughts, always on my mind and in my…always on my mind, in my mind, around my mind, running through my mind…thoughts.
So, thoughts, it could be feelings, anything emotionally coming up for you related to those thoughts or feelings that are just there, it could be physical sensations, it could be changes in time, temperature, routine, work schedule, you could be going through something, you could have something coming up, you could be getting over something. Whatever it is, I’m here to take your mind off of stuff and keep you company so you could fall asleep. I’m here to distract you from whatever’s keeping you awake, and the reason I kinda run through some of the stuff that might be keeping you awake is so you know you’re not alone.
This show is really here to be here for you in the deep, dark night, to keep you company or to take your mind off of stuff, to be your friend or a pseudo-friend, if you want to make it official…if you want to use official-like words. But not really…I’m just here…the thing is…the reason I talk about what might be keeping you awake and list a bunch of stuff is because this show…there’s a lot of different people that listen to this podcast, right, and they’re going through a lot of different stuff. But I’ve found that somewhere below all that and on top of it, we share feelings related to not being able to fall asleep but stuff all around sleep. So, even if I’ve never been through whatever’s keeping you awake, I can probably relate to some of the feelings. But the good news is even if I can't…you say, Scoots, you wouldn't be able to.
No chance. I’d say, okay, I know that there’s enough people listening right now across the world that there’s someone somewhere out there who can relate to how you feel, who’s been through something similar, and they’re nodding right now, too. They’re saying, yeah, no, no, it is tough. I realize that. It’s really tough and I hope we can help. I hope this show can help you 'cause I’ve been there, and this podcast helped me. I really hope the podcast does help you and that one day, two months from now or five years from now, you’re listening and thinking of that person out there who arrives at the show, and you’re kinda like, I’m glad you’re here. I really hope this strange, odd, little podcast can help you.
So, I hope I can cut through some of that loneliness or some of those feelings and just acknowledge them and say, yeah, you could lay some of those down here at Sleep With Me, or we could try to share the weight of them. The other thing is you deserve a good night's sleep, and myself and the listeners who are rooting for you believe that, that you deserve a bedtime where you could get the rest you need, where bedtime doesn't feel like a rigmarole or something to dread or like a hamster wheel. Hamsters, by the way, if you’re not greasing your own wheels, keep it down at bedtime unless your human prefers that, a hamster…I think hamsters might be nocturnal, though. I’m not sure. I’m just trying to…I don't know why I’m trying to parse this out.
I was just trying to decide if a hamster running on a hamster wheel might…it might be…I don't know. I guess I’m…I wish I was the kind of person that I’d smile in my sleep and say, there goes old Fluffy, getting in a 2:00 a.m. run. Great. I’m so happy. I mean, I might be now. I might have grown up a little bit but maybe not, where I’d be like, Fluffy, how many times have I told you? Please, you’re…I know you feel like you’re nocturnal. That’s like us around bed, right? But you’re really…you’re no longer…you’re diurnal or whatever. Please, Fluffy, stop running in your hamster wheel. I don't know. But I had a hamster as a kid. I’m sure it ran and it didn’t…I don't think it really bothered me as a kid. I probably did think it was cute.
I guess it would have been…depending on the age and how long you’ve had the hamster, gerbil, or, I don't know, other furry friend, it might be an event where you’re like, I gotta get up and watch Fluffy run. By the way, my hamsters…the original hamsters were named Chitter and Squeaker. Mine was Chitter; my brother’s was Squeaker. But anyway, I just want you to know you deserve a bedtime that doesn't feel like a rigmarole, something you could look forward to or at least feel neutral about. I’m sure I’ve done episodes about my hamsters. Only one of them…Chitter was my hamster and then Squeaker was my brother’s hamster. What else do you need to know? So, what I’m gonna do here is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night.
I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, and superfluous tangents. So, that means my voice is not traditionally soothing, I’ll go off-topic, I’ll get mixed up which has happened a few times already, all in the spirit of taking your mind off of stuff and keeping you company, which is a bit different. Most people get here…and the reason the show takes some getting used to is you’re skeptical, right, you’re doubtful, you’re frustrated, you’ve been searching for something to help you fall asleep or somebody recommended the show and then you checked it out, and you probably had some reasonable expectations or some expectations of reasonableness. You’re like, wait a second, it turned into…so, I tuned into a sleep podcast.
Thus far, he’s talked about something first, then the metric…then he was confused between the metric system, the other system…I think he was wondering what some words were in the metric system, what filler words would be in the metric system. I mean, they’d be in units, right? They wouldn't…you’d say, can you give me five units of filler words? I’d say, righty-o. That’s one. I could tell you, what…righty-o…if I was doing this somewhere else, somewhere with a metric system, righty-o would…righty-o, maybe cheerio. I guess I need to find some more filler words that don’t end in O, though. But I’d say, righty-o, then. Oh yeah, righty-o, then…you sure, you betcha…oh no, that’s if I’m doing it in the Midwest. Alons-y…I don't know if that would be a good filler word, though. But righty-o would be, right?
‘Cause righty-o really is the right amount to buy me some time, accidentally. Righty-o, I said to the chap. Okay, I forgot what…oh, I was running through what you might be thinking of the show if you’re new. You were…you’re wondering when the podcast is gonna start, when is it gonna get sleepy, when is the bedtime story? Those are legitimate questions. This podcast is always never going anywhere. It’s always never getting started, and what that means is…I guess I should explain what it means. But it means that if you’re skeptical or doubtful, it’s pretty normal. Just give this show a few tries, 'cause this is a podcast you kind of listen to or you could listen to. I think the magic of the podcast is in the fact that you could listen to it. When I say you could listen to it, it’s like it…you could kinda barely listen.
You could just pay attention to it like it’s background noise, like it’s just out of focus, like you’re barely paying attention to it, like it’s a TV on in the other room or something you’re hearing at a distance. I guess a well-oiled hamster wheel…that would probably sound pretty good if…plus, if the hamster starts up slow then hits a peak and then goes back to bed, you’d say, okay, glad they got that out of their system. That was really calming and reassuring. Well, what if you had a hamster and the hamster could communicate? So, maybe in the future…and the hamster said, you know what would help me sleep? The sound of a artificial…or a recording on loop of a hamster running in a hamster wheel. I’d say, well, I have a podcast that metaphorically captures that. It’s one you just barely listen to.
It’s called Sleep With Me. The hamster’s like, sleep with you…is that a metric term? How many units of filler words? Oh, unlimited filler…we don’t have…we’re on-call to The Hague or whatever the measurement place is. Scooter always thinks it’s The Hague but it ends up it’s not, and he said he’s on-call to them to find out if they’re gonna invent new…a deca-unit of filler words. But currently they don’t…they have his calls blocked. Let’s just be honest. So, just…this podcast does take some getting used to 'cause you don’t really listen to it. Believe it or not, even though I’ve been making the show over tens years…back then, the idea of sleep audio for adults or bore…whatever terms people use for this, it didn’t really exist because it’s just a strange idea.
But I was like, hey, what if there was something that helps you fall asleep where there’s no pressure to fall asleep…that’s not intended to put you to sleep; it’s intended to keep you company while you fall asleep, to take your mind off whatever’s keeping you up and just to be there like a friend talking and telling a story while you drift off? That would be the idea for Sleep With Me. I’m here to be your bore-friend, your bore-bae, your bore-sib, your bore-bud, your neigh-bore, your bore-bestie, your bore-bestie forever, your bores, your Borbie…whatever, I don't know, your bore-friend to keep you company in the deep, dark night, to take…there’s a reason the shows are over an hour; no pressure to fall asleep.
While there’s no pressure to fall asleep or to listen, I’m also here to the very end to keep you company because there’s people listening who can't sleep at all. So, I’m here to the very end to keep you company whether you’re awake or asleep. So, that’s some things you need to know. The other thing I like to explain is the structure of the show. The show’s structured in a very specific way, but the great thing about podcast apps is you can adjust the podcast how you want to listen to it. But just…most people this format works for, but it’s a flexible format. So, the show starts off with a greeting; friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, so you feel seen and welcomed. You say, okay, I might be able to check that podcast out and sleep to it.
Then there’s support from sponsors so that you could listen for free. If you prefer something without ads, you could pay and support the show directly on Sleep With Me+ or you could just earn it through our referral program without paying for it and listen without ads. But most people like the idea of, hey, I don't have to pay for it. I’ll listen to the sponsors and try to support them when I can. Then there’s a long, meandering intro separate from the support. It’s totally separate from the support because it’s a show within a show that’s made to ease you into bedtime, and it goes on and on and on. I try to explain what the podcast is for about fifteen, twenty minutes, and I never get to the point. I follow a familiar structure every time, but it’s also different every time.
That way your brain can't quite adjust and stuff like that. But yeah, that’s what the intro is. It just goes on and on and on so that as you’re getting ready for bed or as you’re in bed getting comfortable or you’re winding down doing some other chill activity like looking out the window…I highly suggest that or sitting outdoors if you can, to ease you into bedtime. That’s what the intro is. It’s a lowering of the volume, a buffer between the day and the night, and that’s what’s been shown to work. It’s what worked for me personally, is having a wind-down. So, that’s what the intro is. There is a small percentage of people that fall asleep during the intro, but the show’s not designed that way.
So, if you don’t like the intros or you don’t want to wind down or whatever, you could either listen to story-only stuff on Sleep With Me+, you could start the show at twenty or thirty minutes…there’s ways to work around it, but for most people, they find the intros are a time to be silly together, really. Then after the intro is support and then a bedtime story. Tonight it’ll be a episode of Alba Salix, our crossover. So, this is even cooler because you can listen to this to sleep to and then you could listen to the original Alba Salix episode during the day. So, I think that’s cool, too. Yeah, I think that’s it. I’m really glad you’re here. I work really hard. I yearn and I strive. I really want to help you fall asleep. I work…so do…a team of people work really hard. So, thanks again for coming by, and here’s a couple ways we’re able to do this for you for free twice a week.
Alright everybody, welcome to another episode of Alba Salix or Alba Snoozelix, our coverage or reimagining of the audio fiction podcast Alba Salix, the world of Alba Salix…fantasy, comedy, and adventure for the ear. Tonight we’ll be doing Ep…Season 1, Episode 5, To Market, To Market. We’ll run into Alba’s old flame, Withrow Lee, who comes to town and is up to something, doing some sales, inspiring Magnus to get in on the game. You could check out all the original versions of these episodes at albasalix.com. So, let’s start out. We start at a market booth. So, as we begin, you could hear birds and goats and chickens. There’s cheerful chatter, haggling, people…I got baskets. Who’s looking for a basket? Just one shilling. P-U-M-P-K-I-N-S, get your magic pumpkins here. Fruit, fruit…maybe it’s musical fruit but it’s lovely, fresh fruit.
Tangerines and pond apples; two pennies for a dozen. Here at King’s Textile, we got 30% off all fabrics. There in the market is Magnus. Ho, hum. Oh, it’s Magnus here. Excuse me, we’re from the House of…Alba’s House of Getting Well. Have you heard of the pony thing? Have we talked about this? We’re here to check in and make sure everybody’s been…you got your updates for that pony thing. Like I said, we’re here from the House of Getting Well. Oh, this is Alba; oh, hello, Professor Shpringler. Ah, Alba, good to see you. I came to ask…my neighbor has lumbago but also sings Key Largo. I was wondering if you had a potion…do you stock a potion for both of those, like, that can cover both of those? I’m sorry, what kind of potion? Oh, it’s got a special name. It’s Frino Zypax. Frino Zypax, I believe.
Oh no, we don’t stock that at all. Oh, well, I’m told that the results are quite astounding; stopping singing of songs like Key Largo, deals with lumbago…I mean, if you’ve…I think that’s a back ache. If you’ve ever heard anybody sing with a back ache, Alba, you’d be stocking this stuff. It’s amazing. Last time I visited that customer, I gave you some herbal tea and some exercises to do. Yeah, yeah, I know. I know, Alba. I know. How are those going? Well, you gotta see the…the time, Alba. I don’t really have…that’s a lot of effort. You know, I’m try…I try to help…everybody just wants a potion or some sort of amulet or some easy way out. Why don’t you…why can't you follow simple instructions? You know, get outside, less on the mead?
Alba, I’ll do my best, but for the time being, though, do you think you could carry any of that Frino Zypax any time soon? I don't care what it works for. Even if it makes things…calms my…makes things get less on my nerves, we don’t carry it. Alright, then. Honestly, if I ever get my hands on whoever’s selling that stuff…Withrow here. Alba, is that you? Yes. Oh, it is you, Alba. This is Magnus; who are you? Oh, Alba, you’re looking fantastic. Thank you, Withrow. Withrow Lee, right? What are you doing in Grandville? Oh man, I’m just in town for a conference. Who’s this kid? Why is he dressed like a monk? Oh, this is my apprentice Magnus. He used to be with the Dragon Mountain Order. No, no, no, not used…no, no, no, not used to be. I’m Magnus. Magnus, this is Withrow. He’s an old friend. Oh, a friend, is it, Alba?
Okay, alright, alright, a little bit more than friends. Oh boy, were we. Okay, this is Magnus; please don’t…please, say no more, please. But Magnus, Withrow here; back in the day we were the diabolical duo, the paranormal pair. Let me guess, you were making stone tools down by the watering hole? Oh, a wise guy, eh? Yeah, no, we met at Hazelbrook. Wait, you went to the school for…that school for W-I-T-Hs? Darn tootin’ I did. Class of aught 25…50…20 aught. Did you learn any cool spells or magic, maybe the magic you use after dark? Oh boy, I could tell you some stories. Excuse me, you two, magic after dark is strictly forbidden. Yeah, that sounds…to me, Magnus, that sounds pretty lame. It was not lame, Magnus. Oh, says the girl who dropped out to protest the curriculum.
Listen, Magnus, Alba turned the headmistress’ chair into a bean bag before storming out. A bean bag? It was full of Malurian jumping beads, not the kind that…the kind that left a mark. You know what I’m saying. Huh. Okay, well, that’s pretty cool. Alba, how come you don’t…can't teach me stuff like that? You have to ask? Well, it was nice to see you, Withrow. Excuse me, excuse me, Miss Salix, I’m a customer, I’m a customer. Yeah, how can I help you? Do you happen to carry Frino Zypax? Oh, Frino Zypax, funny you should ask. No, this is Alba; we don’t carry that. No, it’s useless. It doesn't work. Please leave. Okay, thanks anyway. Alba, soft-hearted as ever, I see. Okay, listen, fifty crowns says that that Frino Zypax is just elderflowers and molasses. It’s just the power of suggestion. Okay.
Yeah, this is Magnus; but whoever’s selling it, they’re probably making a fortune. Yeah, and if I ever find out who they are, I’m going to shrink them down and put them in a jar. Don't worry, just for viewing only, but…well, Alba, so you’re the Royal Physician now. Not too shabby at all. Yeah, it’s great. I run the neighborhood place, Getting Well, the National Health Policy Office, and then I have to deal with whenever our Royal Majesty stubs her toe. Here I am on my supposed day off, running a booth at the market. Then there’s the paperwork. Tomorrow I have to file a report with the chancellor about the state of the local witch-run getting-well places in the countryside. That’s my Alba, always the overachiever. Why don’t you take a break? Don’t I wish. This is Magnus; Alba, you want to take a break?
I could run the booth. You? Come on, Alba. Let’s get out and get some fresh air. It’s market day. Oh…okay, alright, alright. Magnus, can you take over for me? And no skipping off from the booth this time? Alba, you could count on me. With that, we hear the opening theme of Alba Salix. By appointment to the King and Queen, Alba Salix, Royal Physician, Episode the Fifth, To Market, To Market. We’re back at the market. There’s still the crowd sounds, and two people stroll through the market. Withrow here; I always love the market. The food, the hustle, the bustle…yeah, the easy marks. Hey, my businesses today are strictly above-board, Alba. Yeah, I see. A vendor here selling candy apples; three pennies each, two for a fivepence. Hey Alba, you want a candy apple? They always were your favorite.
No, I don't like that woman. She lives with her father and is not kind to him. It’s just this once. Here, ma’am…candy apples…we’ll take two. Oh, certainly, sir. Thank you, ma’am. Alba, here you go. That’ll be five pennies, please. Can you break a sovereign? Oh, no problem at all. You want it in shillings? Here, here’s the sound of coins changing hands. Wait, that’d be…oh wait, hold on, give me four shillings. No, wait, can you give me three shillings and twelve ducats? Twelve? Oh, silly me, I can't do the math. How about…twelve plus thirty-three and one is eight, so why don’t I give you back one and you give me five ducats, three groats, and a crown? Uh, okay. Keep the change. Really? Thank you, sir. Have a lovely day. The same to you and the lady. Enjoy your candied apples. There you go.
Yeah, I saw what you just did with your fancy math. Strictly above board? She won't figure that out for hours, maybe never. Oh, you really haven't changed, have you? Did you miss me? Not in the least. Yeah, you did. Eat your apple, you. Back at the other market booth, we hear the sounds of a fairy moving quickly, late for work. Oh, sorry I’m late. Hey, Magnus, where’s Alba? She went off with her old boyfriend, and when I say old…wait…oh, that’s…she has a boyfriend? Isn't that nice. Say, Holly, have you heard of this new potion? It’s called Frinzo Zypan? Frizo…Frinzo…Frinzo Zypan? No, no, no, Zypax. Yeah, everybody’s talking about it lately. It’s a scam. It totally is. We should sell something like that. We are not selling placebos. Well, we could throw some ingredients in there or whatever. How about this stuff?
Like, we’re gonna bang this bottle together…no, I told you, we’re almost out of sludgewort. So, don’t use so much per dose. Spread it around. We could crank it out in big batches. We’d sell hundreds of bottles, thousands. That’s now how the House of Getting Well works, Magnus, which is why we’ve been missing the boat. Look, I’ll just use a tiny drop of this stuff, pop that cork, shake it up, do the Hokey Pokey, turn myself around…oh, Jerome’s coming in. Hi, Holly. Hi, Magnus. Hello, Jerome. You sound a little stuffy there. Is Alba around? I got a shrew flu. Wow. You know what’s great for that stuff? Sludgewort. That’s the best relief. But this doesn't look like sludgewort or extract. Ha, ha, very observational, Jerome, because it isn't. It’s what us healing experts call an essence.
Did you know that dilution actually increases effectiveness? Magnus, that’s ridiculous. In fact, the more times we dilute, the stronger the essence becomes. Really? Magnus, that’s not how it works. I’ve covered your mouth, Holly, because…Jerome, you’re a blacksmith, right? You know how the fellow monks of Dragon Mountains make their swords? By folding metal over and over again? Correct, and pounding it thinner and thinner, keeping it lightweight, and making it amazingly strong. Oh my gosh, Magnus, you’re so full of baloney. That’s incredible. So, how come you don’t do that with all your potions? It’s a brand-new technique.
Everyone knows about the fantastic healing properties of the humble sludgewort plant, but it took a genius named Miss Alba Salix who realized that by diluting it, you multi-amplify its potential by a factor of one hundredfold. Wow. Here, give it a try. Hm, this is…I think I feel better already. See, Holly? Jerome feels better already. I am going to tell Alba. Oh, Jerome, did you just sneeze? Bless you. That’ll be three crowns. Alba never charges that much for potions. This is our first premium product offering. Now, if it doesn't work out, double your money back. How about that? Okay. Here, coins here, coins here…thank you, my good man. Here you go. Thanks. Tell Alba I said hello. This is Magnus; we’re now selling sludgewort essence. Only three crowns a pop. Hello there, ma’am. How are you feeling today?
Now we’re down by the riverside. The sound of the market fades as Alba and Withrow walk. Seagulls call. So, Withrow, what’s the conference you’re here for? The Big Magic Exposition isn't ‘til Sept…November. No, yeah, this is just a sales conference, Alba. Hey, you want to head up to the bridge? Well, it’s not exactly the greatest area to be walking around in on the other side. Well, we don’t have to cross. We could just go up on the lookout. Alright. Anyway, come on, it’s not like you don’t have any moves. Remember Scotty Gostrender? Oh yeah, the chosen one? Hazelbrook’s greatest boy hero. Yeah, one lousy hydra and he thinks he’s the best. Then he was…decided to challenge you to a magical dance-off, and before he could get his first dance moves, you…what did you do, tie his shoes together or something?
Yeah, I did not like him one bit. Withrow, why did you have to go and tell my apprentice about our school days? Why not, Alba? That was our finest hour. Yeah, but now he’s all excited to learn about magic after dark. Huh, that reminds me exactly of a girl I used to have a thing for. Yeah, but you were always trying to…you were the one trying to get…you were making friends in the shadows, I remember, Withrow. Yeah, friends…friends. Right, Alba. They’re not…they’re all…not all non-friends. I was just trying to make friends. No, most of them are non-friends. It’s been…it’s science-based, Withrow. Most of them are not friends. Anyway, Alba, it wasn’t just magic after dark. It was creativity. Remember that sneezing powder in Mrs. Seraling’s spellbook? Yeah, that was a good one.
Then she turned half the class into slugs, though. Yeah. The only time I saw her madder was when you gave out disappearing ink for the exams. No, that was a spell; achende meum ignem. Careful, please, please, not out loud. Oh, it’s okay, I didn’t do the hand motions. Let’s keep walking. It’s a nice view, isn't it? You could see out to the Sea of Squidge. It’s beautiful. You know, I’ve lived in this city for years now and never bothered to come up here. Alba, maybe you should get out of the House of Getting Well more often. I really should. Excuse me, you two, I was wondering if you could put your hands in the air and shake them like you just don’t care. Who are you? I said, put your hands in the air. Shake them like you just don’t care. Wait, what’s that? Before we find out, we head back to the market.
There’s an excited crowd lined up, coins jingling. Magnus with a bright smile…thank you, sir. Enjoy. Step right up. Don’t be shy. My name’s Bertha; I’ll take a order of slugwort. You bet. That’ll be six crowns. Six crowns? Supply and demand, lady. Hey, I’m Angie; I’m at the back of the line. Can we pick up the pace there? Oh, I’m look…this is Magnus looking around; this is our…that was our last bottle. Does anybody have any empty bottles or your own container? Half-price if you drink it on the spot. I’ve got some empties right here. Oh, awesome. You, sir, are a fine, enterprising young gentleman. I’ll give you a nice shiny crown for them. Make it five. Five crowns? Each. What? Supply and demand, sir. This is Angie at the back of the line; what’s taking so long? Listen, kid, I’ll give you one crown each. Four.
Take it or leave it. I’m not paying four crowns for one bottle. Okay, well, I’ll see you, then. No, no, wait, wait. Here, here’s four coins for each bottle. Pleasure doing business with you. Kids these days. Wait, this is Bertha; so, if diluting this stuff makes it stronger, shouldn’t we water it down even more before we take it? That’s a fine idea, Bertha. How many bottles do you want? Well, in that case, just one, I guess, because it should last for years, right? Oh, no, no, no, it doesn't keep. It’s got a expiration date. Hey, this is Angie; Bertha, I’ll give you half and we could split the bottle. That makes perfect sense to me. Hey, this is Charlie; actually, count me in. Could we split it three ways? The more we split it, the more powerful it’ll be. This is Bertha; brilliant idea, everybody. Each of you give me two crowns.
Come by my kitchen. I’ll give you your share. Oh no, no, this is Magnus; that’s not allowed. This is a specialized process done by specialized specialists. Do not attempt to water down this complex formula at home. Home dilutions are not magic. Here you go, here’s six crowns. No, no, I can't take it if you’re gonna split it. It’s gonna be eighteen crowns, in that case. Well, then we’ll just go talk to Henry. He bought a bottle earlier. Maybe he’ll share it with us. Wait, wait, the whole crowd’s dispersing? No, no, wait, wait, wait, I just paid forty crowns for these bottles. Back at the riverside, our mysterious dancing guest…yeah, this is…listen, you two, you’re gonna dance for me or you’re gonna have a issue.
My name is Alba; I’m not dancing for you and I’m not putting my hands in the air and shaking them like I don't care, because I do. Okay, what is this guy laughing about? I’m serious. You’re either gonna dance for me or there’s gonna be…I’m gonna give you a stern talking to. What are you laughing about, dude? My name’s Withrow, not ‘dude’. Nothing. I’m laughing about…well, I was about to say something…portes velare…and then magic shimmers. Wait a second, I’m being lifted off my feet. Oh, Alba, brilliant. I was thinking about turning them into ice, but levitation’s pretty good. Please, I can't dance if my feet aren’t on the ground. Why don’t you take a little jump in the river here, buddy? Alba, that’s majestic. All the way down into the river…please, please, please, I just want to dance. I can't dance in the river.
I’m not a…I don't know…I was never a lord of the water dance or whatever. Please don’t make me dance in the water. Please stop talking. You’re gonna cause me to lose my concentration. We hear splashing sounds. Hey buddy, you ought to be careful. Who do you call a dude and who are you trying to have a dance-off with? Well, I had no idea she was magical. This is Alba; it doesn't matter if I’m magical or not. You don’t just come up to people and tell them to shake it like they just don’t care, because sometimes they do. Maybe we’re not in the mood for dancing. We’re walking, by the way. Okay, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’ll change my behavior. I’ll make amends. I apologize.
Please, please…oh, Alba, I thought you were gonna tell him that guilty feet got no rhythm and make him sing that song, make him declare he’s never gonna dance again. Never dance again, Withrow? That wouldn't be fair to anybody. He won't dance for a little while 'cause he’s gonna be soaking wet, but he’ll dance again, maybe. Alba, you should add heroine, super-heroine, to your hobbies. Yeah, I’ve missed doing that kind of magic, except for the headache and shortness of breath. Shortness of breath, do you say, Alba? Have you ever tried Frino Zypax? Wait, did you just say it like, Frino Zypax? Don’t tell me you’re on the Frino Zypax band wagon. Well, I’m kinda the local sales rep for Faloria. Really. Okay, what’s in it? It’s an all-natural herbal formula. So, it’s stewed pimplegrass?
No, no, no, this is the real deal. It cure…it’s a cure-all. Cure-all? Even brightens your look. It treats everything. I got some on me. Here, check it out. Did you make this? No, no, no, I’m a distributor. I could send some your way if you’re interested. It’ll…ten years…it’s…have you heard of longevity, Alba? It’s a big part of the longevity movement. Okay, stop with the sales pitch. Wait a second, this tastes pretty good. That’s not a good sign, though. Wait a second, it’s delish…you might be onto something. How’s your headache, Alba? This works fast, doesn't it? Quicker than the caffeinated beavers of Lake Zoom. Alright, well, count me impressed. Alba, why don’t you come by my room at the inn? I can give you many, many, many more bottles. How about dinner first? Why, naturally.
Then we’re back at the House of Getting Well. Well, it’s Alba here; let me see…oh, Mr. McWhinny, how can I help you today? Okay, well, I got this thing in my mouth and my ring…I keep hearing a telephone ringing. Have you tried Frino Zypax? Tried what? It’s an all-natural herbal formula. It works…stamina, longevity, balances your humors, even makes things smooth, smooths it all out. Oh my goodness, this is Holly; is she gonna prescribe that stuff to every single patient? This is Magnus; it sure sounds that way, Holly. Well, I’ve gotta find out what’s in it. Me, too. I’m interested. Magnus, you’re not touching this stuff. Remember what Alba said. Yeah, it figures. I’m not allowed to have a side business, but her old flame comes in town selling junk potions and she’s on him like mice on gingerbread.
Magnus, you’re supposed to finish up with the bedpans. Yeah, what kind of community service is this? Hello? Abe here. Good morning. I have an appointment with Miss Salix. Oh, yes. Hi, Abe. I’m Holly. Just fill out this form and Alba will see you in a minute. Alright, Mr. McWhinny, try the Frino Zypax for a week and let me know how it goes. Thank you, Miss Salix. Buh-bye. Abe, fancy meeting you here. Oh, hey, Mr. McWhinny. I never thought I’d see you in the House of Getting Well. Yeah, I’ve got a couple things going on, I think. Really? Have you tried Frino Zypax? Rhinosaurox? What’d you say? Oh, it’s an all-natural herbal potion made from oily sandflower and cheeseweed, plus sixteen secret ingredients. Does it help with longevity? Oh boy, does it. It’s the real deal.
It does everything, smooths it all out, they say. Really? That’s what Alba said. Yeah, this is Magnus; that’s what Alba said to somebody else today, too. Oh my gosh, this is Holly; I don't like this. I need to test this stuff. Alba? Yeah, Holly, send in the next patient. Thank you. Alba, this is Holly; I need to ask you, what are the active ingredients in Frino Zypax? It’s a all-natural herbal formula made from oily sandflower and cheeseweed, plus sixteen secret ingredients. Why are they so secret? This is Magnus; I hear it’s good for when your head hurts. Magnus…this is Alba; this is the real deal. It does every…this thing smooths everything out, smooths it all out, and it’s good for longevity. This is Holly; it seems to be making you into marketing material, Alba. No, that’s nonsense.
How can something all-natural have any effect on what I say? Yeah, this is Magnus; Holly, what about fleas? What do you do about fleas? Fleas? This is Alba; what kind of fleas, rocket fleas? You should try this new product we got. It’s called…Frino Zypax? You’ve heard of it? Alba, this is Holly; it’s all you’ve talked about since we opened this morning. Well, it does have a thousand uses. Could I try a bottle? Oh, absolutely, Holly. Here, take one. Alba, I haven’t trimmed my nails yet. Magnus, this is Holly; stop. Oh, nails? I think we have a new product in for nails. It’s…what am I saying? Yeah, Alba, this is Holly; see? You keep talking about this stuff like you’re marketing material. Wow, I hope this wears off. This is why I need to test it, Alba. Oh, great idea. See if it’s a molari…a spell, a molari spell.
Okay, let me open up…okay, this is Holly; I’m gonna taste it. Holly, no…nope, it’s not molari. Molliari…? Okay, I see why people like it, though. It’s pretty good. This is Magnus; I thought there’d be a more official way of testing it than taste-testing it. This is Holly; it’s my protocol number one. I feel fine. Holly, that was not a good idea. I only took a tiny sip. This is Magnus; it’s not just my nails. My elbows, I’ve been dipping them in milk, and it seems like it’s…they’re a little dried out. Dried-out elbows? Well, both Alba and I recommend Frino Zypax. Well…Frino Zypax? No, I haven't tried it yet. Magnus…the stuff sounds amazing. Okay, Magnus, stop it. What does Frino Zypax do? Oh, it’s a wonder of modern medicine. Good for longevity, it smooths everything out, including elbows.
Yeah, this is Holly; it smooths the skin, too. Alba…this is Alba; yeah, it’s also good for your teeth. Oh, this is Holly; have you had it in pie yet? Holy…wow, the two of you really like this Frino Zypax. Could you tell me what it’s made from? Oh, it’s a all-natural herbal formula. Wait a second, this is Holly; this is not right. No, this is Alba; it’s made from oily sandflower, cheeseweed, plus sixteen secret ingredients. Magnus, if you do this one more time…oh, this is worth it. This is worth it. You two are marketing material. Now we’re at an inn. Bottles are being filled. This is Withrow; just working on filling some bottles. Oh, a knock at my door. I’ll be right there. Oh, Alba, it’s you. Are you here for more already? Yeah. I’m here for more and I could use a couple cases of Frino Zypax, too. Can do. Take as much as you need.
It’s been flying off the shelves. What a day. I could use some myself. Alba, go right ahead. Oh yeah, there you go. Wait a second, does it taste funny to you? Funny how, Alba? Well, here, take a sip. Seems fine to me. I think this is expired. No, no, no, it can't be, Alba. I just bottled it. Wait a second, you bottle it yourself? It’s a secret process. I can't tell you much more than that. You could tell me all about it. It comes out of a special keg I got from Mr. Benevito. Wait, why did I just say that? Say what? Wait a second, you swapped the bottle. That wasn’t Frino Zypax you gave me. No, no, no, yeah, we altered the recipe a little bit. Instead of selling more, now it makes you tell the truth, Withrow. Alba, I wouldn't lie to you. Oh, you wouldn't? Then where might I find this magical keg? Well, it’s in my…I mean, it’s in my trunk.
Okay, get out of the way, Withrow. I’m gonna open up your trunk. Oh, Alba, my head is starting to bother me. Really, your head’s bothering you? Have you tried Frino Zypax? Nice try, you sleazy cad. Alba, what’s Frino Zypax? Let me tell you all about Frino Zypax. It’s an all-natural herbal potion made from oily sandflower and cheeseweed, plus sixteen secret ingredients. Alba, please, please, say more. I love hearing about Frino Zypax. Not only does it smooth things out, it’s great for longevity. It smooths everything out; teeth, everything. Except, it doesn't really do any of that, does it, Withrow? Oh, no, no, it offers relief. Yeah, for a little while, then it fades. Every time you take it, it does less and less.
Well, it works quickly, quicker than the streaking cheetahs of Hispeedia. This little keg here, I’m guessing it’s enchanted to provide an endless supply. Am I right? That’s right, Alba, but don’t do anything. Mr. B will not be happy if I don't have it. Who is Mr. Benevito? The inventor of Frino Zypax? He’s from Quatox. Quatox? You mean one of the after-dark shadow friends? I should have known. So, this conference you’re in town for…? I can't say anything about the conference, Alba. I’m sworn to secrecy. Is Mr. Benevito running the show? Yes. No, no…please give me the keg, Alba. Where is this conference? It’s at the Weird Fellows Lodge on Sharpening It Up Lane. Alba, I think I need a nap. A nap, you say? Watch me smash this keg up. No, Alba, please…sorry, Frino Zypax can't help you take a nap, Withrow.
It’s been fun, but there’s someplace I draw the line, and making me into marketing material is where I do that. If I ever catch you pulling this sort of thing again, I’ll have you dancing like you just don’t care, faster than the streaking cheetah’s vertigo. Alba, Alba, he’s not gonna be happy with me at all. I need that keg. Well, you should have thought of that before you started working for a Quatoxian shadow buddy. Yeah, but he’ll send me to the home office, Alba. I don't want to go to the home office, if you get my drift. Well, you better help me out then, shouldn’t you? Yes, Alba. Our next stop is an auditorium where things are going on. I, the countess, am speaking. I’ve dealt with Marth Mambles before. I couldn't look my friends in the eye, and then I heard about Frino Zypax, and guess what? It worked.
Today, I have a full head of beautiful hair. Thank you, Frino Zypax. Mr. Benevito here; there you have it, folks, thousands of stories like Countess Carnelia’s, thousands of ways you’re making a difference. Is everybody having a good time? Oh, yeah. Oh yeah, everybody is having a good time. This is Alba watching from the audience; this is wild. Alba, this is Withrow; keep your voice down. If anyone…founds out I snuggled you in here…snuck me in here; you didn’t snuggle me in here. But your Mr. Benevito really knows how to work a crowd. Benevito here; everybody listen up. I want to talk about our three-pronged approach to sales. First of all, it’s our spreadable messaging, you know? It spreads around. Marketing materials, am I right? Yeah, I’m right.
Second is our incentive program, and we’ll be rewarding our amazing points leaders in just a few minutes. Third, we have our live and learn program. We call it Teaching By Example. Can I have Vin Prang, Alicia Bergstew, and I’m hoping I’m pronouncing that right…Clarence McMainly, can you come up on the stage? Yeah, come on down. Hey, everybody, glad you could make it. Now, these are the folks that are unfortunately at the bottom of our points ranking this quarter, but that’s okay 'cause we’re gonna make their experience into a learning opportunity for everyone. Now, you three, step on those marks right there. These three are going to the home office in that other realm, Quatox, for some hands-on education right about now. Poof, and they’re gone. Alba, see? That could have been me.
Yeah, there’s still time, Withrow. Now hit the road. Benevito here, crowd; live and learn. But now it’s time for a very special vacation. We’re gonna do this giveaway. It’s an award. It’s a trip to the beautiful Mayurian Riviera for those hard-working sales representatives. I’m talking about everyone here in this room. You, and you, and you, you get a vacation. You get a vacation. You get a vacation. Man, this is quite the crowd. Benevito; could somebody get me a drink here? Oh, here you go, Mr. Benevito. It’s me, Withrow. Withrow? What’s this? I wanted wood alcohol. This is Frino Zypax. Oh, sorry, wrong bottle. Listen, Withrow, what’s your full name? Withrow Lee. Yeah, Withrow, are you enjoying the conference? Yes, sir, I am. Okay. Now, you remember the contract, right?
You signed over all your earthly possessions and your eternal essence and being. Do you remember the penalties for non-compliance? Oh, I didn’t really read that part of the contract. Yeah, this is Alba here; this is why we don’t do deals with shadow non-friends. Say, folks, according to what I have here, our friend Withrow Lee just earned an upgrade from re-education at the home office to naughty, naughty, naughty. Ascende meum ignium. Oh, now, Withrow, did you really think you could cast a spell on me and get rid of the contract…make it…with invisible ink? Don’t you know I have six more copies kept away in magic-proof vaults? Oh, that’s fine. This is Alba; there’s still a loophole. Wait, who in the blazes are you, Alba?
I’m an interested party, Mr. Benevito. Is it true that you and your companies can be banished from the earthly plane by saying your name three times? Of course it is. We’ve all seen the movie, Alba, but you’d have to know my name. Why would I tell you that? Well, it must be something in that drink you’re having. Wait a second, the drink? Did you fool me? Where’s Lee? Oh, you fooled me. Withrow…oh, she made me do it, sir. What’s your true name, shadow buddy? My name is Astraxo. Oh, thank you very much. Astraxo Efugare…and that is a clap of thunder. Oh, hello, my name is Serdecos. Are you requesting the banishment of this shadow friend Astraxo to his home realm of Quatox? That’s right. My name is Alba. I am. No problem, ma’am. We could do that for you right now.
I’ll just need you to answer three verification questions for me. Uh-oh, Alba. Verification questions? Oh, it’s just standard policy. Question one, what school did Mr. Astraxo attend? Okay, Astraxo, you’re gonna have to tell us. Well, I would, but I’m afraid I’ve gone and forgotten the answers. Oh dear, Alba, I don't think he’s lying. You’ve forgotten the school you went to? Yeah, I got rid of all those useless memories when I took over the family enterprise. I had to make room in my brain for strategy and logistics such…those childhood memories, they’re not about maximizing longevity. Oh boy, so what school? Braxonic College? No, no, that’s not possible, able. He’s too high-ranking. Creepside? Correct. Thank you. Yeah, that was a lucky guess, though. Question two, what was Mr. Astraxo’s favorite book growing up?
Okay, Astraxo, how old are you? Seventy-two. Okay, that narrows it down a little. Okay, Alba, it could be Gerty the Goblin, The Sorceror…The Sword and the Stove…I’m not saying I can't hear you. It’s The Littlest Unicorns. Correct. No, no, that’s not true. I don't like unicorns. That’s the correct answer I have here. What was the name of your first pet growing up? I didn’t have any pets. I wasn’t allowed. Well, maybe so, but it says you named ten imaginary pets. Okay, try to remember. Was your first imaginary pet a bunny, a kitty, a cool-blooded buddy…? I can't hear any…I can't hear…cool-blooded buddy. Okay, so it was a cool-blooded buddy. Astraxo, what color was your cool-blooded buddy? Red, he was red. Okay, and did he ever sleep on your bed at night? No, no, no, he used to sleep…sometimes he’d sleep on my pillow.
He was the best. You called him…? Moonstone…Maroonstone, Maroonstone. Correct. Thank you for verifying. We’ll take Astraxo with us now. Have a great day and thank you for choosing Cathanak. Oh, you humans, you’ll be hearing back from me. More thunder…this is Alba; okay, well, good news, everybody; you’re free. You no longer have to work for this shadow buddy. Don’t everybody thank me at once. Do you have a question? Yeah, I was selling that stuff for my job. Yeah, this is…we had contracts. Are they void now? Oh boy, this is Withrow; that’s not good. This is…yeah, I also have a question; when…we all got vacations.
You got…I got a vacation. You got a vacation. Alba, we better get outta here. We just can't…sorry, we just can't please everybody. I’m sorry. Okay, we better get outta here, Alba. Well, we’ll get outta here so fast…I’ll do a sleep spell to put them all to sleep, and then they’ll rest. Then maybe we could go rest if you apologize to me, Withrow. Sounds good, Alba. Alright, goodnight, everybody. Sleep well, and we’ll be back soon. This has been another episode of Sleep With Me and Alba Salix. Goodnight.
[END OF RECORDING]
(Transcription performed by LeahTranscribes)
-
Alba Salix
Hamster Facts
https://www.treehugger.com/surprising-facts-about-hamsters-4864087
https://evergreenanimalhospital.com/2023/03/01/fun-facts-about-hamsters/
Cold Medicine Efficacy
https://cen.acs.org/pharmaceuticals/campaign-effective-cold-cough-medicines/101/i39
Homeopathy
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1676328/
https://naturallyhealthyfamilymedicine.com/a-brief-history-of-homeopathy/
Cure-Alls
https://seaislenews.com/spotlight-history-cure-alls-19th-century/
https://www.si.edu/spotlight/health-hygiene-and-beauty/cure-alls-and-salves
https://wellcomecollection.org/articles/XA5KmxEAAFv-xyY1
DOWN TO BUSINESS
Royally tired or royally confused
The Old Cheesy Royale of Confusion
What the metric filler words?
A crossover with Alba Salix
Deep Dark Night United
n/a
PLUGS
Alba Salix; Orlando Park Stop Fundraiser; Sleep With Me Plus; SleepPhones; Rusty Biscuit Links; Emily Tat Artwork; NAPAWF; Anti-Racism Resources; Ukraine Relief; Crisis Textline
SPONSORS
Claritin; Dusker; Helix Sleep; Odoo; Air Doctor Pro; AquaTru; Zocdoc; Progressive
INTRO
Thoughts: Always on my mind, in my mind, and around my mind
You can call me a pseudo-friend if you wanna use official, like, words
Someone else listening can relate to how you feel, guaranteed
Keep greasing your wheels, hamsters
Wait, aren’t hamsters nocturnal?
Smiling in my sleep at my hamster doing his nighttime run
Fluffy, my imaginary hamster
My hamster was Chitter, my brother’s was Squeaker
Reasonable Expectations of Reasonableness
Metric Filler Words
Rightio and Cheerio
When’s it gonna get sleepy, huh?
The magic in the podcast is that you could listen to it
Well-Oiled Hamster Wheel
That would probably sound pretty good
Would the sound of a wheel help a hamster sleep?
I need to remember that the Hague does not determine official measurements
The Hague is blocking Scooter’s calls
I highly recommend looking out the window
STORY
Alba Snoozelix
To Market, To Market
Alba’s old flame, Withrow Lee
Starting at a market booth
Cheerful chatter and haggling
Magnus is is in the market
Alba’s House of Getting Well
Does everyone have their update for that Pony Thing?
Professor Schiplinger
A neighbor has lumbago but also sings ‘Key Largo’
Phrenozypax
Alba doesn’t stock that kind of medicine
This person didn’t take Alba’s recommendations of exercises
Everyone wants a potion or an easy way out
Withrow runs into Alba
Magnus meets Withrow
An old flame / friend
The Diabolical Duo, The Paranormal Pair
They met at Hazelbrook, the school for W-I-T-C-H-E-S
Magic after dark is strictly forbidden
Alba dropped out of school in protest of the curriculum
Another customer comes looking for Phrenozypax
It’s just the power of suggestion
Alba has so much responsibility
Withrow wants Alba to take a break
Magnus could run the booth temporarily
Back at the Market
Withrow loves the market (and easy marks)
Withrow buys candied apples for Alba
Withrow tries to con this person with ‘fancy math’
Holly shows up late to work at the booth
Magnus tells Holly about Withrow
Does Holly know anything about Phrenozypax
It’s a total scam
Magnus wants to scam people
The point is to make people better
Jerome comes in, a little stuffy
Essence of Sludgewort
Magnus takes the dilution / homeopathic approach
Magnus is a natural conman
Holly is going to tattle
The price reflects its ‘premium’ nature
Cut to Alba and Withrow
Withrow is just here for a sales conference
That’s not the safest neighborhood
They remember Scotty Gostrinder
That lousy chosen one…
Alba doesn’t want Magnus to know about magic after dark
Withrow was making friends in the shadows
Scientifically proven to be not friends
Remembering more ‘creative’ memories
You can see all the way out to the Sea of Squidge
Maybe Alba should get out of the house more often
Someone approaches them
Put your hands up in the air and shake them like you just don’t care
Everyone wants Magnus’s ‘cure’
Some real high demand prices
Someone tries to gouge Magnus for some extra bottles
If diluting it makes it stronger, shouldn’t we water it down anymore?
You can’t dilute it too much
Magnus starts to lose control of the crowd
A runaway economic, homeopathic spiral
Back to the riverside
This guy really wants them to dance
Alba casts a magic spell on this guy
I can’t dance if I’m levitating
Why not take a jump into this river?
This highwayman feels very sorry and will amend his behavior
Alba, you should become a Superheroine
Withrow offers Alba some Phrenozypax
Withrow is the local Phrenozypax sales rep
An All Natural Herbal Formula Cure-All
This is delicious and does work quickly
Alba is impressed
They’re gonna have dinner together
Back at the House of Getting Well
Alba recommends Phrenozypax to someone who comes in
Holly is aghast
Magnus, get back to the bedpans
Abe comes in for an appointment
Holly needs to test out this Phrenozypax
Phrenozypax smoothes everything out
Alba is turning into marketing material
Does Phrenozypax have some sort of magical element
It’s not Molari magical
Holly tastes it and then starts recommending Phrenozypax
Cut to Withrow at the inn, filling bottles
Alba needs more Phrenozypax
Why does this taste funny?
Alba wants to know all about it
Alba made Withrow drink truth potion!
Where does this magical keg come from?
Nice try, you sleazy cad!
Every time you take it, it does less and less
Who is the supplier, Mr. Benevito?
He’s from Quatax
Mr. Benevito is an after dark shadow friend!
Alba is going to smash up this keg!
Alba will never allow herself to become marketing material
Withrow better help Alba or else…
Cut to Mr. Benevito’s conference
Alba sneaks into the conference
Mr. Benevitos’ 3 pronged approach to sales
Spreadable Messaging
Incentive Program
Live & Learn Program (Teaching by Example)
The 3 lowest sales reps are ‘going to the home office’ in Quatax
Poof, and they’re gone!
A giveaway for a special vacation for the hardest working sales reps
Withrow tries to give Mr. Benevito a special drink
Mr. Benevito reminds him of the specifics of the contract
Mr. Benevito is going to punish Withrow
Magic won’t work on Mr. Benevito
Alba chimes in with a loophole
Alba can banish Mr. Benevito Beetlejuice style
Astraxo is his real name!
We’re gonna banish Astraxo back to Quatax
We just have to answer 3 verification questions
Fortunately Astraxo took a truth potion
He got rid of all his childhood memories
Astraxo’s favorite childhood book?
Astraxo’s childhood pet name
Maroonstone, the cold-blooded friend
Astraxo will return!
Good news, you’re all free!
Alba now has to deal with the wrath of all these salespeople
Alba and Withrow have to get out of here
A sleep spell to put all the salespeople to sleep so they can escape
Referral Program Thanks
Josie, Michael, Victor, Luca, Dustin, Andrea, Heather, Marla, Jess, Elizabeth, Fuschia, Heather A, Michael B, Ruth, Donna, Lydia, Lillia, Emily, Megan, Natasha
SUMMARY:
Episode: 1270
Title: To Market To Market | Alba Salix S1E5
Deep Dark Night United: n/a
Plugs: Alba Salix; Orlando Park Stop Fundraiser; Sleep With Me Plus; SleepPhones; Rusty Biscuit Links; Emily Tat Artwork; NAPAWF; Anti-Racism Resources; Ukraine Relief; Crisis Textline
Sponsors: Claritin; Dusker; Helix Sleep; Odoo; Air Doctor Pro; AquaTru; Zocdoc; Progressive
Referral Program Thanks: Josie, Michael, Victor, Luca, Dustin, Andrea, Heather, Marla, Jess, Elizabeth, Fuschia, Heather A, Michael B, Ruth, Donna, Lydia, Lillia, Emily, Megan, Natasha
Notable Language:
- Cheesy Royale
- Pseudo-Friend
- Nocturnal
- Diurnal
- Reasonable Expectations of Reasonableness
- Rightio
- Well-Oiled Hamster Wheel
- P-U-M-P-K-I-N-S
- Lumbago
- Phrenozypax
- Diabolical Duo
- Paranormal Pair
- W-I-T-C-H-E-S
- Shrew Flu
- Cure-All
- After Dark Shadow Friend
Notable Culture:
- Pulp Fiction
-
- The Hague
- Metric System
- Alba’s House of Getting Well
- ‘Key Largo’ song
- Homeopathy
- Beetlejuice
- The Littlest Unicorns
Notable Talking Points:
- Thoughts: Always on my mind, in my mind, and around my mind
- You can call me a pseudo-friend if you wanna use official, like, words
- Someone else listening can relate to how you feel, guaranteed
- Keep greasing your wheels, hamsters
- Wait, aren’t hamsters nocturnal?
- Smiling in my sleep at my hamster doing his nighttime run
- Fluffy, my imaginary hamster
- My hamster was Chitter, my brother’s was Squeaker
- Reasonable Expectations of Reasonableness
- Metric Filler Words
- Rightio and Cheerio
- When’s it gonna get sleepy, huh?
- The magic in the podcast is that you could listen to it
- Well-Oiled Hamster Wheel
- That would probably sound pretty good
- Would the sound of a wheel help a hamster sleep?
- I need to remember that the Hague does not determine official measurements
- The Hague is blocking Scooter’s calls
- I highly recommend looking out the window
- Alba Snoozelix
- To Market, To Market
- Alba’s old flame, Withrow Lee
- Starting at a market booth
- Cheerful chatter and haggling
- Magnus is is in the market
- Alba’s House of Getting Well
- Does everyone have their update for that Pony Thing?
- Professor Schiplinger
- A neighbor has lumbago but also sings ‘Key Largo’
- Phrenozypax
- Alba doesn’t stock that kind of medicine
- This person didn’t take Alba’s recommendations of exercises
- Everyone wants a potion or an easy way out
- Withrow runs into Alba
- Magnus meets Withrow
- An old flame / friend
- The Diabolical Duo, The Paranormal Pair
- They met at Hazelbrook, the school for W-I-T-C-H-E-S
- Magic after dark is strictly forbidden
- Alba dropped out of school in protest of the curriculum
- Another customer comes looking for Phrenozypax
- It’s just the power of suggestion
- Alba has so much responsibility
- Withrow wants Alba to take a break
- Magnus could run the booth temporarily
- Back at the Market
- Withrow loves the market (and easy marks)
- Withrow buys candied apples for Alba
- Withrow tries to con this person with ‘fancy math’
- Holly shows up late to work at the booth
- Magnus tells Holly about Withrow
- Does Holly know anything about Phrenozypax
- It’s a total scam
- Magnus wants to scam people
- The point is to make people better
- Jerome comes in, a little stuffy
- Essence of Sludgewort
- Magnus takes the dilution / homeopathic approach
- Magnus is a natural conman
- Holly is going to tattle
- The price reflects its ‘premium’ nature
- Cut to Alba and Withrow
- Withrow is just here for a sales conference
- That’s not the safest neighborhood
- They remember Scotty Gostrinder
- That lousy chosen one…
- Alba doesn’t want Magnus to know about magic after dark
- Withrow was making friends in the shadows
- Scientifically proven to be not friends
- Remembering more ‘creative’ memories
- You can see all the way out to the Sea of Squidge
- Maybe Alba should get out of the house more often
- Someone approaches them
- Put your hands up in the air and shake them like you just don’t care
- Everyone wants Magnus’s ‘cure’
- Some real high demand prices
- Someone tries to gouge Magnus for some extra bottles
- If diluting it makes it stronger, shouldn’t we water it down anymore?
- You can’t dilute it too much
- Magnus starts to lose control of the crowd
- A runaway economic, homeopathic spiral
- Back to the riverside
- This guy really wants them to dance
- Alba casts a magic spell on this guy
- I can’t dance if I’m levitating
- Why not take a jump into this river?
- This highwayman feels very sorry and will amend his behavior
- Alba, you should become a Superheroine
- Withrow offers Alba some Phrenozypax
- Withrow is the local Phrenozypax sales rep
- An All Natural Herbal Formula Cure-All
- This is delicious and does work quickly
- Alba is impressed
- They’re gonna have dinner together
- Back at the House of Getting Well
- Alba recommends Phrenozypax to someone who comes in
- Holly is aghast
- Magnus, get back to the bedpans
- Abe comes in for an appointment
- Holly needs to test out this Phrenozypax
- Phrenozypax smoothes everything out
- Alba is turning into marketing material
- Does Phrenozypax have some sort of magical element
- It’s not Molari magical
- Holly tastes it and then starts recommending Phrenozypax
- Cut to Withrow at the inn, filling bottles
- Alba needs more Phrenozypax
- Why does this taste funny?
- Alba wants to know all about it
- Alba made Withrow drink truth potion!
- Where does this magical keg come from?
- Nice try, you sleazy cad!
- Every time you take it, it does less and less
- Who is the supplier, Mr. Benevito?
- He’s from Quatax
- Mr. Benevito is an after dark shadow friend!
- Alba is going to smash up this keg!
- Alba will never allow herself to become marketing material
- Withrow better help Alba or else…
- Cut to Mr. Benevito’s conference
- Alba sneaks into the conference
- Mr. Benevitos’ 3 pronged approach to sales
- Spreadable Messaging
- Incentive Program
- Live & Learn Program (Teaching by Example)
- The 3 lowest sales reps are ‘going to the home office’ in Quatax
- Poof, and they’re gone!
- A giveaway for a special vacation for the hardest working sales reps
- Withrow tries to give Mr. Benevito a special drink
- Mr. Benevito reminds him of the specifics of the contract
- Mr. Benevito is going to punish Withrow
- Magic won’t work on Mr. Benevito
- Alba chimes in with a loophole
- Alba can banish Mr. Benevito Beetlejuice style
- Astraxo is his real name!
- We’re gonna banish Astraxo back to Quatax
- We just have to answer 3 verification questions
- Fortunately Astraxo took a truth potion
- He got rid of all his childhood memories
- Astraxo’s favorite childhood book?
- Astraxo’s childhood pet name
- Maroonstone, the cold-blooded friend
- Astraxo will return!
- Good news, you’re all free!
- Alba now has to deal with the wrath of all these salespeople
- Alba and Withrow have to get out of here
- A sleep spell to put all the salespeople to sleep so they can escape