1246 – Newts R 2 Kewt | All Intros 907 – 911

Episode 1246 – Newts R 2 Kewt | All Intros 907 – 911

 

[START OF RECORDING]

 

SCOOTER: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and friends beyond the binary, it’s time for the podcaster that if he wasn’t making a sleep podcast that went off topic and acted silly to keep you company as you fall asleep, I’d probably be…if I had a different voice, I’d be in a group called The Monotones. But for now I just bring the monotone, because I’m here…and you might be wondering, what’s this person babbling about? I’d say, great word. That was an accident, but true. That’s about it in a mouthful. That was a mouthful, too. It’s time for Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.

 

INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake. It could be things you’re think…things on your mind. Clearly there’s a lot of that, you know. Thoughts; so past, present, or future, feelings, anything emotionally coming up for you. It could be related to thoughts; they could just be there. You say well, hello. Not the most opportune time to meet you, feelings, but I could see you’re here now.

 

Then, that’s where I come in and help…or physical sensations, which is kind of the same thing. You say, oh boy. It could be other stuff inside or outside you or where you are, or you know, it…whatever it is that’s keeping you awake, I’m here to take your mind off of that. What I’m gonna do is I’m swirling up a safe place. Oh, boy. Some people say that stone soup is the greatest gift…whatever, traditional…what do you call that? Folk stories have given us. The greatest thing that’s ever been stirred in a cauldron before, other than the magical stuff, which of course, you say…well, okay. But I’m swirling up a safe place. Oh boy, no…don’t worry; there won’t be any eyes of newts in this safe place, unless you’re a newt and then your eyes would be closed. So, there technically ideally won’t be any…I mean, you could open your eyes.

 

If you’re a newt and you’re listening, can you send me an e-mail, please? That would be so cute, watching you…would you send your e-mail by tail or with your pawsy-poos or whatever you call them? Also, if you do…if you can send me an e-mail, newts, just go to sleepwithmepodcast.com. Use the Contact link. Then you don’t have to remember anything. What do you think of that Geico…? Do you ever…? Oh, yeah, another question; do you watch television? Two; do you know what television is? Three; if you’ve ever watched TV, you’re familiar with that gecko. Just wondering. Also, what do you think of…what’s the deal with magic…is that something on your…? I don’t know, do you have the equivalent of a driver’s license where you could say yeah, sure, happy to give my eye of newts to…when the time comes, I volunteer my…for those magical potions.

 

But otherwise, stay out of my business. I’m just here…I don’t know, are you a salamander? Do you know I almost know nothing about newts? I mean, I remember a famous movie character named Newt. Probably more than one. Oh, Newt Scamander. I wasn’t even…think of that. I don’t think that’s how I say it. Is his name Newt Scamander? ‘Cause then it’s like, did I ever talk…I know I’ve talked about Newt Scamander before. Commander Newt Scamander, one, that thing. It is almost like ‘salamander’. He’s into beings; he takes care of beings. I may not be right about any of this. I also forgot what I was gonna do. I just…sorry, I went on a tangent there. Oh, I was gonna create a safe place. Yeah, that’s what I got going in this cauldron here, stirring it oh, so gently.

 

Now, I’m thinking…now my mind’s full of other things I could go off-topic about. The Cauldron Cast, the only podcast where I just stir a cauldron. But so…oh, so what I’m gonna do is…a safe place, I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night, I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents. Holy cow. You say man, do you need that many tangents? I say, probably I don’t, but I do. Lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones. Like I said, The Monotones would be my doo-wop group or a capella group. Is doo-wop and a capella…is that like a genre of a capella, is doo-wop? I’m not kidding. I got a newt looking at me, like, first of all, of course we watch TV when we’re able to.

 

I say well, do you…I don’t think…I don’t know what your bandwidth is ‘cause…I mean, if I had a safe place you could come on in and watch as much TV as you want, as long as you wear headphones. Because it’s a safe place, right? So, maybe there’d be a TV room for newts, of course. Ideally, we could get Newt Scamander as the host of The Newt TV Room. Oh, so, I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night…lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders…you’ve already seen a few of them. So, if you’re new, you might already be more than a bit mixed up, which is my natural state of being. So, let me give you a couple pieces of information. One, if you’re skeptical, doubtful, confused, slightly agitated, those are natural. If this is your first or second or third time listening to the show, totally natural reaction.

 

So, a couple things; one, give this show about two or three tries before you give up on it. I mean, you don’t have to do that. You could give up on it right away, but almost all of my regular listeners say it took two or three tries and then I became a regular listener, which I guess is kind of…but give it two or three tries. Most people are doubtful and confused and slightly…their hackles are slightly raised. Because what other podcast does someone talk to a newt in the middle…? Not just…you say well, The Newt Talk and Talking Newts…U Talking to Newts; that’s by Adam and Scott, I think. That’s one of my favorite ones; U Talking to Newts. It’s a podcast with two comedians or an…comedic actors talking to newts about…I forget which band it is. Some band that starts with 2, but not U2, I don’t think.

 

Maybe it’s We Talking to Newts or U Talking to Newts. I don’t know, but it’s a good show. Oh, what was I talking about, though? I was talking about talking to newts. Oh, boy. What was I talking about? Okay, if you’re skeptical, that’s perfectly normal. The podcast doesn’t work on everybody, but of course you’d be skeptical; someone talking about and talking to newts, and then talking about podcasts where newts are talked to. In some sense, if you make a podcast for newts…For Newts By Newts would be another one. That’s one of my favorite ones. But if you were making a podcast for newts…maybe the…okay, tonight, totally, we’re going…we’re gonna lean into this. We’ll do some sort of newt-related podcast. So, let me just rest my brain there on that subject. So, if you’re new, just give this podcast a few tries.

 

Ideally consume it a little bit loosely because you could just kind of see…the podcast is a little bit best consumed out-of-focus versus concentrating on it. So, kind of see how that goes. What else? Oh, so what else throws new listeners off? Oh, this is, yeah, a podcast you don’t need to listen to. You could just barely kind of listen almost at a mumble, but you can listen. It’s also…while it was a very early sleep podcast and now there’s a lot of different versions of it and corporations doing it and stuff, they…what they don’t realize is this is not a podcast that puts you to sleep. It’s a podcast…once they figure it out, I’ll be in deep doo…deep newt-doo. But this isn’t really a podcast that puts you to sleep. It’s here to keep you company as you drift off, so that’s one reason why the shows are about an hour.

 

It’s also…I want to you let you know if you can’t sleep or you need a break during the day, I’ll be here to the very end of this episode. I don’t even know what the episode’s gonna be other than about newts. So, that’s another thing I want you to know, is if you can’t sleep, I’ll be here for you. But yeah, this is a podcast…I kind of keep you company, walk at your side. I’m your companion, your bore-bud, your bore-bae, your bore-bestie, your bore-bruh, your bore-sib, your bore-cuz. Yeah, I’m here to keep you company as you fall asleep. Also, another thing that could throw off new listeners – regular listeners love this part – is the intro and the structure of the show. So, I’ll explain that to you.

 

So, the show starts off with a greeting, then there’s business — about four or six minutes of business or something; that’s how we’re able to keep the podcast free and reminders about the business ‘cause that’s how it’s here for you free twice a week — then there’s an intro. The intro is not business-related at all other than the nonsense. So, the intro…what was I saying? So, the intro is twelve to eighteen to twenty minutes of me trying to explain what the podcast is — you’ve already seen it in action — and then I just go off-topic. What I say to myself every intro is…well actually, there is a bit of self-talk that goes into it. I say, my goal is to explain to the new person what the podcast is; tell them about the structure, tell them they don’t need to listen, tell them there’s no pressure to fall asleep.

 

That’s like a normal intro…a podcast…would be about that long. They’d just say one, two, three. Talking to Newts…today we’re gonna be talking about that great newt novel, Newton Was Not A Newt, a tale of a newt exploring the worlds of physics. They say, so, let’s get to it, and they would get to it. For me, one, I’m not very good at that. But two, the whole idea of the intro is that you ease into bedtime. So, some…well, most people start listening before they get in bed — but there’s no right or wrong way — then a lot of other people start listening once they’re in bed. 2% of people skip ahead to twenty minutes, they start the show at about twenty minutes, and then there’s people that listen all night on either Patreon or they just run these stream…the free episodes all night. But that’s a smaller percentage, too.

 

But so, the whole idea of the intro is that you can…’cause I don’t have a way, personally or professionally, to just instantly put myself or anyone else to sleep or to do it…I mean, sleep and efficiency…we know; you’re listening to this show. There’s not a lot of overlap for us, unfortunately. For that other person in bed, they might have the most efficient sleep and the snoring and the blanket-hogging down. So, what I’ve seen work is just easing things into bedtime, like a long runway to help you get comfortable and let the day drift away. So, that’s why the intro’s about twenty minute…or yeah, twelve to twenty minutes long or so. If you become a regular listener, you could say well, I think I’m that 2% that skip the intro…and then you could always change your mind.

 

That’s the great thing about this show; you could try it every single way and see what works. Then particularly at this time, a lot of people are listening during the day while they do chores or other daily tasks just to have a mental distraction to take their mind off of things. So, those are the things I was gonna talk about. I think that’s it. Oh no, the rest of the structure of the show…then I guess tonight we’ll be talking about newts in some sense, and…so that’ll be…so, there will be…the intro will end in a few minutes, then we’ll have some business, then we’ll talk about…we’ll do this Newt Cast — I don’t know what it’ll be — and then we have some thank-yous. So, that’s the structure of the show and kinda the reasons why we do it structurally.

 

The reason why I make the show — and you probably can read between the lines — is I’ve been there, right? Tossing and turning, trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep; that’s where I’m at right now, and then that becomes a cycle, right? Then, for me, I stop looking forward to bedtime. Now, I do have a anchor which is my bedtime routine, which is why I make the show, too…is I’ve learned that having an anchor or having a keystone or habit or whatever you want to call it, some kind of small bedtime routine, at least makes it a little bit easier. If there’s something nice in there or something neutral…in this case you’ll say well, Sleep With Me; I wouldn’t call it nice. I’d say it’s not half-bad. It’s 51% pretty darn great and then 22% meh, yeah. Then, whatever, you could rate it however you wish.

 

Oh, that’s another podcast; ratemynewts.com. I’m not into that one ‘cause it’s people…what do they call those? People that cohabitate with newts. I mean, not like that. Like…what do they call that when you’re a newt caretaker? Then they’re more into how their newts look…which I say, come on, aren’t we…? You say, all newts are beautiful. So, I don’t know what I was gonna say. Oh, what was I gonna say? Structure…oh, why I make the show; because I’ve been there. I know how it feels and I want to give you something to be a part of your bedtime routine that maybe you could look forward to, or at least it relieves some of the tension there. That leads into the real why; you deserve a good night’s sleep.

 

That’s why I make the show and that’s why I hope it can help you, because I want you to have a safe place to rest. As someone that struggles with that, I know no one deserves that, right? It would be so much nicer for you and your life if you had that. So, hopefully, I can provide that or be one part of it. That’s what most regular…’cause people have listened to the show now for like, seven years, and I get to know some of those people and hear their journeys. Yeah, now they say well, I have this whole other routine, or some people stop listening for a while. They listen when they’re in university and then they take a break ‘cause then they’re kinda like…and then they get their second or first job or then they start a family, or then we’re going through this thing as a globe.

 

So, but a lot of people I hear…oh yeah, so this is now…Sleep With Me’s part of my bedtime routine, but also these other things are. So, just see how it goes. If you’re new, I hope I can help you. If you’re a regular listener, you know how much it means to me to be able to help. So, thank you so much for coming back night after night after night. I think that’s it. I mean, I’m glad you’re here. I work very hard. I yearn and I strive. I want to help you fall asleep. Again, I appreciate you coming by, and here’s a few ways I’m able to bring you this podcast for free.

 

Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts, things you’re thinking about — usually those are thoughts — or not even…here’s the thing; I’m not even thinking about them. Like, what are you doing there? How’d you get there?

 

So, things on your mind or within your mind or all around your mind, feelings, those could be emotions coming up because of those thoughts or that are just there, or they’re like a wave from the day or the far past that hasn’t quite receded yet, because not everything’s like a beach. You know what I’m saying? So, thoughts, feelings, physical sensations that could be related to thoughts, feelings, or just on their own that are there, could be changes in your routine, your location, your schedule. Whatever it is, I’m here to take your mind off of stuff and keep you company as you drift off. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could…oh, where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake…also a repetitive place.

 

Holy…you say, sometimes being repetitive is reassuring but not reassuring…I’m not a actuary, which I’m not even positive what that is, but I think it involves numbers and stuff. You’d say, okay, thank goodness you’re not an actuary. Oh, what was my…? Oh, so what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna create a safe place. I’m gonna smooth it, I’m gonna pat it, I’m gonna rub it down. The safe place, not…that’s what I’m rubbing down, and my elbows, of course. I’m gonna send that across the deep, dark night; lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents. I’m gonna go way off-topic which I’ve already done, but further afield is where I’ll be at some point, all to keep your…take your mind off of stuff and keep you company. Now, if you’re a regular listener, holy cow, what’s up? So good to have you back.

 

So glad I can help you. Thank you so much for listening to this show on a regular basis. I’m really honored to be here. Now if you’re new though, this…I want to give you some information. A regular listener, they’re already kind of used to all this nonsense, where you might not be, and that’s totally normal. So, a few things to know right up…well, kind of upfront if you’re new. One, this podcast is not for everybody. It’s just a little bit…it’s not a little bit different, but it just isn’t for everybody. It’s not everybody’s cup of tea. But for everybody who’s said it’s their cup of tea…it’s not like a regular tea where they say, the first taste…they say, oh boy, is that green mint with…or is that…is that Vanilla Sleepytime? Oh, boy. It’s like Sleepytime but with vanilla.

 

This is not like that. You say well, this…is this tea? Are you sure this is tea? But then after two or three tries, you say, hm, this is a tea I enjoy now. At first I wasn’t sure because I said, is that some sort of bitter melon or a tea? You’d say, now it’s a flavor I look forward to, if you become a regular listener. That’s what most regular listeners say, like 95% of people that listen to this podcast on a regular basis. Because it’s free, just give it a few tries and see how it goes. I really hope I can help you but I can’t guarantee it, but I do want the show to help you, and I’m gonna give you more information just so you kind of…I can try to win over your trust a little bit. So, the podcast isn’t for everybody. Even the people it is for don’t like it on the first couple tries. Other things to know; one, this isn’t a podcast you really listen to.

 

It’s a podcast you barely listen to, like your…this is not…an imaginary…that imaginary nana voice in your mind when you’re going out…you’re trying to go out and then they…says, oh boy, you’re going out like that? You say, I was. Well, you’re not gonna bring this, this, or that? Do you have any galoshes? You say, nana, I don’t even know what a…I don’t know what a…is it…? I don’t even know what a galosh is, or galoshes, but it sounds like the way you said it, they come in pairs. I believe…are those…I’m gonna giggle when I say this to you, nana; are those like rubbers? Like shoe…for my shoes, I mean. Oh boy, you might as well not…you’re gonna talk to somebody with that mouth and that mind? What was my point? I have no idea what my point is.

 

Oh, this is a podcast you don’t…normally when you’re in a more grounded state, you say uh-huh, nana, I am…nana, do you want me to get you anything? A person…a well-adjusted person…I’m not that person, but when nana says those things, you say, oh boy, yeah nana, I’m headed out. I’m headed out just like this, but did you have some advice? Oh, galoshes? Nana, maybe I’ll pick…I don’t own any galoshes, nana, but I’ll look for some while I’m out. Or, my celebratory Midsummer Day is coming. If you want to put those under the old giving tree, that’d be great. I’d love to have some galoshes, nana. Great idea. I gotta go. Again, do you want me to fetch you anything? Butterscotch candies? Root beer? Whatever those hard root beer barrels are? Oh boy, I’ll see you soon. Can’t wait. I’ll be counting the moments.

 

Oh, you live within my mind? Oh, so you’re coming with me; let’s go, then. So, that’s…oh, so you don’t need to listen. That was kind of listening. It would be more like a passive-aggressive version of that adjusted person where you say uh-huh, nana. Oh yeah, galoshes. Oh boy, do I. I don’t have galoshes; I have galosheseses in my trunk, a trunk-full of galoshes. Remember when I put out that song to…that 80s song or 90s song, A Pocket Full of Kryptonite? It was trunk-full of galoshes tonight and every night. So, that would be…so, this is a podcast you just kind of go, uh-huh, okay, Scoots. Oh, boy. Uh-huh. Galoshes, eh? You like saying that, don’t you? Are you gonna say ‘galoshi’ next? Oh, boy. Uh-huh. Then Scoots will go, ese orum ese. Uh-huh. So, that’s one thing. You don’t need to listen to me.

 

Also — this is strange, but this is a sleep podcast — there’s no pressure to fall asleep. One, I’m gonna be here for an hour so you have plenty of time to fall asleep, but the other thing is these episodes are complete, so if you can’t sleep, I’m here to keep you company. I’ll be here to the very end, so you can drift off whenever you want. There’s no pressure to listen and no pressure to fall asleep. I’m here to keep you company, to apply for the position of bore-friend, bore-bae, bore-cuz, bore-sib, bore-bestie, bore-bruh. Whatever it is, if you’re in San…that’s for San Diegans and stuff. So, I’m here to keep you company as you drift off. What else? Oh, structure; that’s another thing that can throw new listeners off. So, let me tell you a little bit about the structure of the show.

 

It starts off with a greeting; ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, friends beyond the binary. That’s to make you feel welcome and let you know you are welcome here. Then there’s business — that’s how we keep the podcast coming out twice a week — then there’s an intro. Sometimes new listeners particularly get the business and the intro mixed up, or they say, well, why do I gotta sit through the business? I say, well, it’s a sleep podcast. We gotta do it upfront. But here’s the thing; if you’re new, you don’t gotta listen. You could practice not paying attention. If you’re a regular listener, I do need you to listen to that part. But so, then there’s the intro which can sound like business, but it’s really the business of nonsense, ‘cause it’s just where over 900 times I’ve described how the podcast works and that I’m gonna keep you company.

 

I introduce myself to the new listeners, I go off-topic a few times. Maybe I talk to the nana within my mind. But it’s like something borrowed, something blue, and something new or whatever, so that if you’re new you get an idea of what to expect indirectly and directly, as a matter of fact. But if you’re a regular listener, you say okay, Scoot…this is gonna be a little bit different so my mind doesn’t adjust to it, the parts of me that keep me awake, but at least it’s familiar like all my other favorite familiar things like my pillows or whatever, or cupping the old elbows, like I say. So, what was my point in there? Oh, I don’t know what my point…oh, so the intro, though; it’s about twelve to eighteen minutes. That’s what can throw new people off.

 

They say, twelve to eighteen minutes of introducing a podcast? I say, yes, a sleep podcast, though. So, here’s what happens; as you become a regular listener, you kind of start to experiment and build your bedtime routine around the intro. So, for a few percentage of listeners, they just start the show at twenty minutes or they listen to story-only versions on Patreon. For the rest of listeners, they make different adjustments. Some listeners wake up and start listening to the podcast, some listeners start the show before they get into bed as they’re doing their wind-down and bed-prep routine, some listeners are in bed getting cozy and maybe doing some sort of other mellow activity, and some listeners are drifting off into sleep. So, you could just kind of see how it goes.

 

But the idea of the intro is to take some distance away from the day and to ease you into bedtime. Then there’s business between the intro and the episode, then there’ll be the episode. It’ll be our episodically modular serial series, Otter Things. That’s O-T-T-E-R T-H-I-N-G-S, which has a tagline, ‘all will be well.’ That’s a show like a series, but you can listen to it in any order. So, you could listen…tonight’s Episode 8, I think. You could listen to Episode 8, ‘cause we’ll fill you in on everything you need to know. Then the other episode…it would be like this is Episode 1, and the first seven episodes are prequels. A survey says everybody loves a prequel, so seven…you say okay, you’re telling me there’s Episode 8, 9, 10, 11, and there’s seven prequels? Holy moly. I’d say, yeah, that is…I’d say, it’s like Holy Poly or something for prequels.

 

But yeah, holy prequolies. Then there’s some thank yous at the end. So, that’s the structure of the show. I think that’s most of the stuff you need to know other than this; the reason I make the show is ‘cause I’ve been there, even recently, two nights ago. So, I know how it feels tossing, turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep, all those things. It’s just not pleasant being tired or overtired or cranky. All those things I’ve experienced very recently, but not right now. Right now I’m here to keep you company, so I’m happy. I feel good. So, that’s one part of it. The other part is you deserve a good night’s sleep. You deserve a place where you can rest and relax, and you deserve to wake up and feel ready and energized to face the day. Not every day, but most of the time, at least.

 

I really want to live in a world like that where you’re rested, because that means you’re gonna be flourishing and our world will be a better place, truly, if your world’s a better place. So, that’s why I’m here. That’s what I do. Again, give it a few tries and see how it goes for you. You really have nothing to lose. I mean, other than the people that already turned it off that really don’t get…they don’t…I don’t know, even those people…especially recently, I’ve gotten more and more reviews of people that loathed…stronger than loathed me, and those weren’t…I mean, that’s just my family members and other people…and then said, eventually got used to…I realized oh, wait a second, I don’t loathe this podcast. It’s just different.

 

Whatever, I thought it was tea and then I said, this doesn’t taste like tea. Then I said, oh, it does taste like tea, just not what I was expecting. So, that’s all you really need to know other than I’m here to help. I’m gonna do my best, which some people would shrug at, but I’m gonna do my best. I’m here to keep you company, to take your mind off of stuff. I really appreciate your time and checking this show out. Yeah, that’s it. Here’s a couple ways we’re able to bring you this podcast twice a week.

 

Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake. It could be thoughts you’re thinking about, things on your mind from the past, the present, or the future, thoughts, feelings, it could be any emotions coming up for you, feelings, physical sensations, it could be changes in time or temperature or other…it could just be…it could be anything. Really, I’ve heard from so many people and so many different things; work or just outside stuff…birds.

 

I actually should look up what ‘bird brain’ means, but I’m pretty sure I’d…because I’ve been called a bird brain, but I think a lot of times I would have thought that was not nice. But then I’m like, well, my brain…I think I understand what you’re saying, and I think I do actually have a bird brain. But I’ll have to come back to that ‘cause I’m in the middle of a pod…I’m at the start of a podcast intro. So, what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna try to create a safe place where you could set all that aside. I’m gonna smooth it, I’m gonna pat it, I’m gonna rub it down, I’m gonna say ‘safe place’, I’m gonna try to create space, and then I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night.

 

I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents. So, I’m gonna go off-topic, I’m gonna get mixed up, I’m gonna misspeak, probably try to remember what I was supposed to talk about…oh, bird brain. I’ll try to follow my bird brain around for a little while, and I guess if I have…that means most of my…I guess my hair is a bit like a nest, so that’s interesting. Mine is like…you say, what type of…? Well, a nest made of hay would be my hair. That’s how a bird…I’d say, what is that? Is that a super-thin hay that you’re nesting in? I’d say, yeah, that’s about my hair. Say, I don’t know about the structural…I say, don’t worry, I got a dome up there, so you could sit on my dome. You’d more be resting in my hair for comfort, but my dome, the dome of my head, would support you.

 

Not that I really need an actual bird, ‘cause I have a bird brain, so I don’t need a actual bird living on top of my head with my hair as a nest. This is just an imaginary exercise. Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to disappoint you. But you can fly, so that’s like…when you’re down, do you go flying? Do you soar? ‘Cause I’ve always wanted to soar on thermals. That comes up every once in a while, but…and then I…but they taught us that myth when I was a kid and that’s pretty much…unfortunately, instead of soaring on thermals, I’ve just integrated that one lesson; don’t try to soar on thermals or you’ll end up like whatever that kid…not Sisyphus. That’s another mythological character, one of the many I try to emulate, unfortunately, that are hard-wired into my behavior. I’m not kidding; that’s why I’m laughing.

 

Why can’t I think of the names of the…? Well, I just thought…I think Menelaus was involved in that, but anyway…oh, Icarus. I say, well, it was the video games that glorified kid Icarus that really made me buy into that myth. Don’t try to soar or you’ll end up like Icarus. Then as a parent, they say, don’t encourage your child to soar. Anyway, this is not good advice. That’s just stuff that goes on in my brain. That was just me…that was a pointless meander. Believe me, it was pointless. So, if you’re new, oh boy, you were in for an early treat there. You got a little insight into who makes this podcast as we followed my bird brain. I thought, hey, you’re gonna soar in a beautiful way, and I guess you soared very close to the Earth and there’s some droppings there.

 

But if you’re new, you might be wondering, what in the bird hay-nest is going on? What in the Sam Hey are you talking about? I’d say, okay, you’re right; there’s a couple things I should tell you if you’re new. One, that reaction is very normal. Skepticism, doubt when you get to this podcast, dislike or an unsure…like, I’m not sure what flavor this is, is a very natural way to approach this podcast ‘cause it’s not for everybody. But it’s also very different, so give it a few tries. Try not to listen to this podcast so much or consume it so much as let it go by like a breeze. You know, like a light breeze; you’re aware of it but you’re not…you don’t have to close the umbrella or whatever, put a rock on the piece of paper. You say, oh, that’s a light breeze. I’m barely noticeable like a light breeze.

 

So, just consume the podcast almost like it’s out of focus, like you’re not really listening to me. You’re just like, uh-huh, uh-huh, yep. Menelaus? Okay. Dr. Zaius? Okay. I’d say, thanks for rhyming there. So, that’s one thing if you’re new. The second thing is give this show a few tries. Most regular listeners say, hey, it took two or three tries before I got used to the show and realized that it doesn’t make any sense and that’s the point. So, give it a few tries. This is a pod…so, it’s a podcast you don’t need to listen to. Most people don’t like it the first time they listen. Those are natural things, kind of funny. But if you stick around, there’s a chance you might like it, and obviously by liking it…the best part is if you like this podcast, you don’t barely pay any attention to it and you barely hear any of it.

 

My dad was just telling me that he was proud of me because he never listens to me. I say, well…I said, is this a metaphor? He goes, no, I’m talking about the podcast. I don’t know, that was…it was a strange moment to share. I said, pop…and then…so anyway, that’s…but that’s true. If you like this podcast, you might barely listen. Now, there is another side to it; this podcast is here to put you to sleep, but in a way of like, I’m here to keep you company as you drift off. But if you can’t sleep, I’m gonna be here ‘til the very end. The show is about an hour so you don’t gotta worry about it. If you can’t sleep, I’ll be here for an hour. If you fall asleep fast, I’ll be here for an hour to keep you company. Or if you wake up and you need me, I’ll be here. You can just hit Play. Or if you’re not sure, you got an hour. You got plenty of time.

 

I’ll be here to keep you company. I’m trying to be your bore-friend, your bore-bae, your bore-cuz, your bore-sib, your bore-bestie, your bore-bruh. Just kind of see how it goes and say, okay, well, I think I get the idea. So, those are a couple things to know. The other thing that can throw new listeners off is the structure of the show. Now, regular listeners, they know this part but it’s different every time ‘cause I explain it in a different way every single episode. But here’s the structure of the show, different than most podcasts or anything…you say, that doesn’t really resemble a structure I’m familiar with. I’d say, are you talking about my nest? My hair also does not resemble any structures people are familiar with.

 

Even barbers and beauticians, when they see my hair…I remember…I’m not kidding; I was at somebody’s house and this guy was staring at my hair, and I didn’t know him. It was a introductory thingamajig where we were all getting together. We shared some common experience and said, oh, let’s get together and hang out. That we don’t drink; that was the common experience. But so, he was staring at me for a while. He said…and then I said, is there a way I can talk about this that’s not awkward? He said well, actually, I’m a…I have a salon and I’ve never seen hair…I said, yeah, I get it all the time. Believe me. Hair professionals are baffled. He did say whoever had buzzed my hair at that time did a very good job of keeping it even despite the strange contours of both my head and my hair behavior.

 

So, if a bird was to make its home in my hair, I guess what I was saying is…they’d say, well, structurally, this is an interesting place to live. The structure of this podcast is also interesting and different, which can be off-putting at first. So, that’s a normal reaction. That’s what I wanted to say, but it took me like ten minutes to say that. Here’s the structure; the show starts off with a greeting, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and friends beyond the binary, and when I remember for Doctor Who episodes, trees and Multi-forms. That’s so everybody knows that I’m trying to make you feel welcome, that I’ll try to treat you with dignity and respect, and I want you to feel seen if at all possible. Or if you’d rather not be seen, that I see that, and then I say, just lay low. I’ll pretend you’re not…we’ll just move on. So, that’s the greeting.

 

Then there’s business. There’s probably, I don’t know, four or six minutes of business or something. That’s how we’re able to bring you the podcast twice a week. Then there’s a intro which is around twelve to twenty minutes long, which we’re in the middle of, where I just try to explain what the podcast is. It’s totally separate from the business, but it’s the business of introducing the podcast to new listeners so you know what you’re getting into. Then you say, well, I’m not sure how to feel about what I got into. Just like the bird that lands on my head…says, what is this? This isn’t like the other human hair I’ve landed on. I say, no, this is human fur. Not many people have it, but I do. Then…what was I saying? Oh, the intro. So, that’s for the new listener. You might be…you say, I don’t understand.

 

But the reason the intros are long is it takes me a long time to explain the podcast, but it also serves this…ideally soothes and serves another purpose which is for the regular listener, it gives you plenty of time to get some distance from the day, to slowly go in for a landing whether you’re getting ready for bed outside of bed, you’re doing your skincare routine, you’re doing some other gentle activity, maybe you’re foam rolling…I don’t know, maybe you’re petting your pets. That’s what I always strongly encourage. Maybe you’re doodling, knitting, hooking. Hooking is a type of…maybe you…I don’t know, maybe you’re doing something else. Maybe you’re getting a massage, giving a massage.

 

If you’re giving…if you’re getting one, I’d say to the other person, thank you, it’s about time with all your snoring. Or maybe you’re just sitting there, or maybe you’re in bed getting comfortable and getting ready to drift off and sinking in and gripping…adjusting the pillows and the blankets. So, that’s the purpose of the intro, is because…I don’t know if you’re like me, but for me, sleep just doesn’t come. It takes a while to get there. The whole part of this podcast is trying to do that in a gentle way that’s…at least feels neutral. If it can’t feel enjoyable, that at least it doesn’t feel like a drag, which is how it normally feels to me sometimes when I don’t have a nice wind down.

 

Now if you’re not into the wind down, most listeners that aren’t into it…there’s about 2%, according to…it’s pretty much statistically…more and more…I see it more and more. About 2% of listeners, they start it around twenty minutes. Then people that support the show on Patreon, they get story-only episodes and stuff. So, that’s…I don’t know, that’s one thing to know. Oh, that’s the intro. I guess, yeah, so that is one thing to know. Then there’s some business — that’s just how we kinda structure things with the podcast — then there’ll be talk about an episode of Doctor Who. Now, there’s a couple questions you might have. I’ve never seen Doctor Who…don’t worry, this’ll be like a bedtime story or a myth.

 

I’ve seen Doctor Who and I’m not sure how I feel about it; don’t worry, this is gonna be very soft and soothing and not like those archetypal Doctor Who…’cause I had those archetypal Doctor Who feelings from the 80s. You say well, I’m a Doctor Who superfan. I’d say, well, see how it goes then, ‘cause some Doctor Who superfans, just like Next Generation superfans or Good Place superfans, find the shows very effective, and then some people find…they say oh, well, it’s great that Scoots has the support to put out episodes twice a week. I’ll just skip those. But I always recommend giving it a try and seeing how it goes. Then the show ends with some thank-yous and goodnights as a reminder of the gratitude for everyone that makes this possible. So, that’s some things to know.

 

The other thing to know other than I have a bird brain, which means that…to me…’cause I guess I don’t know…’cause to me it sounds like an I-N-S-U-L-T, generally. But then I say, well, if it’s one of those birds that’s just hopping around on branches, that’s what my brain does and my feelings do all day long. So, if you mean that, that I guess my brain is a bit like a bird brain…and I accept that and I’m trying to observe it in a gentle way. But the reason I make this show is…I mean, because that’s part of who I am. Also, part of who I am is I don’t…I’ve had trouble sleeping my whole life, on and off, and I know how it feels in the deep, dark night. That’s why I say ‘the deep, dark night’. I’ve been there tossing, turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep, all those things. Other stuff, too. So, if I can help you, it would be my honor.

 

This podcast doesn’t work for everybody. I really wish it did, ‘cause those of you that say well, I don’t like this show…I mean, there is sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou, but I wish it worked for everybody, ‘cause what a world we would live in if there was just…but that’s just not the reality. So, that’s the other thing…oh, the other thing is the other reason I make the show is because you deserve a good night’s sleep. I really believe that. You deserve a place of rest, a safe place where you can get the sleep you desire and that you need. That’s even better. If you get the rest you need, you can live your life, and that’s really important to me. It’s important for me to point it out every episode that I remember, which is most of them, because I want you to know that and to kind of say, okay…and then even if this podcast doesn’t work for you, you say well, maybe tomorrow I’ll try that…petting my pets more or doodling.

 

Maybe you’ll find something else that helps. So, I think that’s it. I’m really glad you came and checked this show out. If you’re new, like I said, even if you’re doubtful or you don’t even think this show will work, the reviews…people say that, regular listeners. So, I would say maybe you have nothing to lose. Give it a few tries and then see if it doesn’t work for you. But I’m really glad you’re here. I really appreciate you coming by and checking this show out, and I really want to help. I work very hard. I yearn and I strive. Thanks again for coming by. I really want to help you fall asleep, and these are a couple of ways we’re able to bring you this show on a regular basis.

 

Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do if you wish — you don’t even need to do it; you could do it — is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. You could also do that in any order or you could say, well, I just dim the lights. I say, totally understand that. But, I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts, things on your mind you’re thinking about, feelings, anything you’re feeling emotionally or physically coming up for you.

 

So, things on the mind, brain stuff, feeling stuff, whatever level. What if you’re…I don’t know if people’s chakras have voice, but if your chakras are singing like Chaka Khan…I guess that would get my hips moving. Maybe I should do that. I say, well, how are you becoming familiar with your chakras, Scoots? I say, well, I’ve called the one on my hips Chaka Khan, and so…then I can shake my hips. Then I say, you don’t know what you’re talking about…I say, no, no, ‘cause I was…sorry, I was at the beginning of a podcast intro and I got mixed up within my mix-ups. So, whatever is keeping you awake, I’d like to take your mind off of that and keep you company and help you fall asleep. What I’m gonna do to do that is I got this safe place; let me de-Chaka Khan it.

 

I’m gonna smooth it, I’m gonna pat it, I’m gonna…I’m probably…I’m trying not to gyrate my hips but it’s not easy even though I’m doing a sleep podcast. Isn’t it interesting that Shakira and Chaka Khan…I associate both of them with hip-motion dancing, or making my hips want to move. They just have the both…I don’t know, is that the same root word at the beginning? No, those are names. Okay. Oh, get back to the intro. Okay, so, I’m gonna try to create a safe place and I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, oh, so creaky…pointless meanders, which you’ve already gotten some early bonus ones, superfluous tangents…maybe some of those were superfluous tangents.

 

Pointless, superfluous…I’m gonna go off-topic, all of it to take your mind off of stuff and help you fall asleep. Now if you’re new, a couple of things to answer…questions you might be having since you’re new. One, I’m glad you’re here. Two, this podcast is not for everybody but for everybody it has become a podcast for, that’s become a regular listener, they say it takes two or three tries. I’ll explain that to you in long, drawn-out terms. But if you’re skeptical or doubtful, that’s a pretty normal way to come to this podcast. Of course you’d be. I’ll probably deepen your skepticism initially. That’s one of my winning techniques. I go against all those advice books. I’ve called all of them on my imaginary…I say, get me that Hill guy.

 

Can we do…can we conference in Vincent Peale and Hill and Carnegie? Can we get them all on one imaginary call? They said, a Zoom? I said, yeah, but I’m gonna mute them all initially because…and then they say, well, what is it regarding? I say, I almost…I think I already forgot. Something counterintuitive I was doing. Oh, Building Rapport by Losing Rapport; it’s my latest book that…in a series of books I’m working on. They say, really? I say, yeah, that’s probably what tonight’s episode will be about. There’ll probably be a seminar on it, actually. Great idea, by the way. So, we’ll save our call for later. But yeah, by deepening skepticism in this podcast, eventually we lean in. So, keep them on…can you put people on hold on Zoom, imaginary beings? Great. Thanks, brain. So, you might be doubtful.

 

Here’s the funniest thing that I’m laughing about on the inside, is that somehow I looked at my…the clock I use to keep time on these intros and I was like, clocking in. Now, the clock is different than real time, but it was four minutes. So, I said, oh boy, around minute…by minute five I’ll be telling the structure of the podcast to the new listener. I’m like, so on time here. Then of course, I made a imaginary Zoom call. But so, one of the things if you’re new that throws new listeners off is the structure of the show, because our show is structured…initially it seems like it’s structured like a normal podcast, but it isn’t. It kinda is, though. So, it starts off with a greeting; ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and friends beyond the binary, trees and Multi-forms in this case, ‘cause originally this was gonna be a Doctor Who episode, but now I think I have to kind of do this seminar one.

 

But don’t worry, you’ll still get your Doctor Who episode on time. So, that’s pretty funny too, that we opened…’cause trees and Multi-forms is a Doctor Who reference. Oh, get to the point; you’re right. Well, that’s one of the things we don’t do, is get to the point. But yeah, the show starts off with a greeting. Then there’s business — that’s a cool thing keeping the podcast free for everybody — then we go into…after that we go into an intro, and our intros are around twelve to twenty minutes long, which for a lot of new listeners or people that don’t listen to this show, they don’t…it can kinda seem baffling. So, let me kind of explain to you the intro, ‘cause that’s kinda the most…the thing that people are most wary about and…or the business.

 

I mean, the business is necessary and the intro is kind of…it’s not…it isn’t necessary…so 2% of regular listeners start the show at twenty minutes, and then some large number of patrons listen to story-only episodes. But most listeners listen to the intro, and the intro serves a few purposes; one, to welcome new listeners by deepening their skepticism and losing their rapport, which is my patented method of proving my competence through incompetence. Then…what was my point? I already lost it. So…oh, so then the intro…oh, so the intro is to serve that purpose, one. Then the other thing the intro does for regular listeners is it’s part of people’s wind-down routine, because bedtime is not just something that happens instantly to a lot of us.

 

So, some listeners start the intro as they’re getting ready for bed or as bedtime is approaching, some listeners are in bed already or some are in their room doing some sort of wind-down or pre-bedtime…you know, something else relaxing. I can always suggest petting your pets or kissing your biceps and shoulders; those are…or balming your elbows. Those are all ones that I recommend, or lying down. I mean, not even in bed; maybe foam-rolling. I don’t suggest that, though, to be honest. I do it, but I can’t recommend it. Supposedly it’s great for you. But I did think the funniest thing I said…to me, was foam rolling, because every time I do it, I say, what am I doing? What am I thinking? But actually…well, anyway. So, let’s get off the foam-roller.

 

Oh, so the intro is kinda like an endlessly rolling…it’s a kind of…for some listeners, it is like foam-rolling endlessly. But the whole idea is you start the intro and you start to wind down whether you’re in bed or you’re getting ready for bed. It eases you into bedtime, so that is why the intro is so long and pointless, because it’s…I guess ‘cause it’s supposed to be, and I’m good at doing that. But it does…it is an acquired taste and it is optional. Like I said, you could start your podcast at twenty minutes or twenty-two minutes…seems to be the sweet spot for that percentage of people that want to skip ahead. So, that’s the intro. Then tonight…originally I was gonna cover a episode of Doctor Who, but by the magic of editing, instead I’ll do a seminar episode because we haven’t done one of those in a while. So, that’ll be fun.

 

So, that’ll be kinda like a bedtime story. Between the intro and the show is business — that’s kind of a podcast structure thing — and then…oh, there’s thank-yous at the end. So, that’s the structure of the show. A couple other things to know; one, this is a podcast you don’t need to listen to — you probably already came to that conclusion yourself — because I kind of go off-topic. You could just kind of barely listen or listen to me in a loose, out-of-focus, fuzzy way. Though if you want to listen, I’m here. That goes into our next point; this podcast isn’t really here to put you to sleep. It’s here to keep you company as you fall asleep, to take your mind off of stuff, to be your bedtime companion, your friend in the deep, dark night. I mean, that’s the role I’m really applying for.

 

The role he was born to play, the person who’s never listened to. I’d say, well, that’s pretty accurate, actually…the role I’m proud to play. He’s been on…over…approaching 900 performances or over it with bonus episodes and stuff. Yeah, that’s pretty cool that I get to be here to take your mind off of stuff, to be your bore-friend, your bore-bae, your bore-cuz, your bore-sib, your bore-bestie, your bore-bruh. Whatever it is, that’s what I’m here to do, is just keep you company as you fall asleep. Now, here’s the other side; if you can’t sleep, I’m here for you. So, if you’re…I have listeners that just can’t sleep or people that are going…you know, you got something going on, or maybe it’s during the day and you need a break during the day. I’m here.

 

So, I’ll be here ‘til the end of this episode to keep you company, ‘cause that’s my job. I think that’s it as far as the structure of the show. I was thinking about that spatial relations stuff I was talking about at the beginning and then I said, well, it could be…yeah, like spatial relations. I don’t know if what that book…that karma…that Sutru Karmu book is about spatial relations. But I was thinking more like talking it out, that kind of spatial relations. But then I was like, oh, would it be about beings in space? Would I be an expert in the relation…? I probably wouldn’t be good at that, but what if I was saying, hey quark, I heard you’re…actually, I don’t know what a quark is. So, we’ll have to cover that, but I heard you have some issues with a nebula and strong feelings about it, so I’m here to kinda help you two work it out even though you’re not sentient.

 

I got it. When universes clash, it has to be…whatever. I’m here to modulate that or whatever that proper word is that someone does that. Oh yeah, I’m here to facilitate collisions between universes and galaxies. You know, we can’t have a black hole without a little bit…at least trying to build some consensus first, of course. I mean, I think that’s kind of…I don’t even know what I was…oh, the spatial relations. I guess that’s kinda what I’m trying to do now with this show, is with those parts of your brain that keep you up…maybe you say, I…he doesn’t even know what a quark is, or maybe you have something saying that to yourself. I say, okay, well, what if I talked to you about how I build rapport by losing it? You say, well, do you know how you do that? I say, well, not yet, but I’ll talk it out. Do you think it’ll make any sense?

 

Probably…it’ll be about…it’ll make 20% sense and the rest will be…feel like nonsense, and then I’ll probably talk about nun-sense and then maybe again think about shaking my hips. Oh, okay. Yeah, I’m just here to keep you company and talk. You don’t even really have to listen to me. Don’t worry; if any galaxies are approaching you…I’m gonna shine a little light on the dark matter too, and say, hey, holy nebula, all that kind of stuff. We might even watch some of the scenes from movies with Nebula…with some Nebula. Say, hey, sit down. Let’s have a movie night. Let’s get to know one another. This is Nebula, a nebulous character in a different variety of movies. Oh yeah, I gotta get back.

 

So, where was I? Nowhere; exactly. That’s one of my favorite things that happens by accident. When that happens, I love that. Say, so, where was I? You say, absolutely nowhere, Scoots. I’d say, thanks, brain. Perfect. We’re doing a great job. You’re doing a great job, and I’m not kidding when I say that. The reason I make the show is because I’ve been there sleepless, and I know how it feels, and you deserve a good night’s sleep. You deserve a safe place of respite, and I’m here to try to provide that for you. That really is my honor, and if there was a superpower…even though I’m not sure Nebula is superpower…I mean, she’s super-powered, but I don’t know if she necessarily has superpowers. She may be some sort of powered…I can’t remember.

 

It may be that her powers are normal for her; that’s what I mean. Like, on Earth it seems like she has superpowers, but she says, well, where…whatever I’m from, Orion 9, this is normal. So, okay, where was I? I’m already lost once again. So, I don’t know, I think that’s about it, is I make the show ‘cause you deserve a good night’s sleep. I hope I can help. I really appreciate you coming by and checking this podcast out, and I yearn and I strive to help you fall asleep. Thanks again for coming by, and here’s a couple of ways we’re able to keep this podcast free for everybody.

 

Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. We’re gonna…I’m gonna do the rest. When I say ‘we’, it’s the royal…we're gonna be talking about the royal ‘we’. There’s so many ways we could go with that. Now I’m so mixed up. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights…rights, and press…pless Play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever is keeping you awake.

 

It could be things on your mind that you’re thinking about, so, thoughts, it could be feelings, physical…so, emotions, thoughts, physical sensations, it could be anything coming up; temperature, time, just remnants of the day. You say well, I’m not sure if this is a thought or a…a feeling, a fraught-fought feeling or…see? It’s a bit of a thought and a feeling and it feels…I say fraught. Don’t worry, I’ve had those before. I’m not fraught…I’m not feeling fraught; I’m having a fraught. Believe it or not, one time when I was a boy…when I was just a lad, they…I said, I’m gonna start my own business. I’m gonna sell frosted fraughts. They said, frosted frogs? I said, chocolate…I thought I was selling frosted fraughts and frosted frogs. No, I just went off-topic. I don’t know what I…I didn’t do that as a lad, but I imagine I would.

 

Frosted fraughts for sale, extra frosty. So, anyway, I’m here to take your mind off of stuff, whatever’s keeping you awake. It could be any of those things, but it could be something else. You could be…whatever…what are you dealing with? Go ahead, go ahead and let it out. Say, it could…you could just…you don’t even have…you could say, fraught, farumph. You could say, harrumph. You could do one of those; oh…let it out a little bit. We really…we don’t get to be as interactive…it’s not always necessary, but tonight it feels like it, doesn’t it? Oof. Make one of those faces that cats make in comic books, comedic cats, and then the…one of the artists or the editor or the writer or the penciller or the inker…someone has to come up with how to put that into words, that face the cat is making. So, yeah. Oh, boy. Right?

 

‘Cause it wouldn’t make sense if the cat said, oh boy, unless it was…unless it made sense. Okay, where was I? So, sorry; if you’re new, I don’t always go off-topic this early, but I normally do. Inevitably, when I say I don’t, I’ve just gone off-topic hundreds of episodes in a row at this time. I already forgot what the first thing we were gonna talk about that was gonna be interesting…oh, the royal ‘we’. But let me set up for new listeners. What I’m gonna do is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents, and as you’ve seen, I’m gonna go…naturally, I’m gonna go off-topic and get mixed up. So, if you’re new, though, a lot of important things to know. My regular listeners, what up?

 

Why don’t you have a frosted fraught and groan while I talk to these new listeners? Or grimace…you could make a verbal grimace or a silent grimace or just grimace with your body. Go right ahead. That was the funny thing, that…wasn’t there a corporate mascot’s assistant or best friend named Grimace? Grimace always had a smile. I never thought about that ‘til now. Probably hours after leaving the fast food restaurant where Grimace worked all day long and living in a world based on a fast food belief system…late at night when the cameras weren’t on, Grimace was grimacing, ‘cause he said oh, boy…Grimace probably said, Ronald, explain this to me again. What happens…?

 

‘Cause I think they were called the Fry Guys, which were little kids. You said, what happens to them after they go in your restaurant? That’s oil? Oh, my goodness. A Happy Meal goes to be…a place where it’s happy, right, Ronald? Of course it does, Grimace. It goes to the happiest place it could ever go. Well, a couple different places actually, to be honest with you, Grimace; the belly…the toys will go probably in the car and then under a car seat, eventually, and everything else hopefully goes into their compost or recycling bin. Ronald, what’s…is the belly the same thing I…? Wait a second, what about when we go through Fry Lane and we sing the It’s Raining Fries song? Okay, how did we get this off-topic? I thought we were gonna talk about the royal ‘we’.

 

Okay, so, if you’re new, this does…this normally…as I said, this normally happens, but I guess I like to pretend it doesn’t. So, if you’re new, a couple of things to know; this podcast is very different and strange. I think you’ve seen that already. It is a podcast that is best consumed in a loose way, with a natural grimace, if you’re new. Not…to bring it back though…or doubt or skepticism. That’s how most people approach this podcast at first, and so, that’s a totally normal way to think about and look at the show, totally what most people do…totally reasonable, because it’s different. So, one thing to know is just kinda barely listen. Sometimes people are new and they’re like, waiting for the story to start and waiting for the sleepy stuff, waiting for the magic to happen, but the magic never really happens.

 

This is where you go to get to…you say, well, who’s Grimace and Ronald, Scooter? I say, well, it doesn’t really matter. It’s just one of those things in my mind that’s constantly playing in the background and that I say, wait a second, is that Donald’s Land over there? I forgot all about it, but I do…I still can’t believe that creature’s name was Grimace, now…’cause isn’t a grimace a face you make when your belly isn’t feeling good? You say, oh, boy. But you’re not totally…you say well, it’s just in a state that I’m not happy…I’m grimacing. Or when Scoots makes…what’s the face…? Alec, what’s…what is the face I make when I’m listening to Scooter? Correct; grimace. Okay, so, yeah, just basically consume this podcast loosely. Barely listen. That’s the first thing.

 

The second and the other part of the first thing is if you’re doubtful or skeptical or not sure you like this show, that’s totally normal. Most regular listeners say give it two or three tries and then kind of see…assess it after the third try and say, oh, I went from a strong loathing to a mild not caring. Then I say, my job is done. That’s a successful transition. But you could say, well, I went from a strong loathing to no longer listening. You say, okay, that’s good. You’re on your journey to your next thing. So, barely listen. The other thing is that this podcast barely puts you to sleep even though you barely listen to it. It’s more here to be your companion in the deep, dark night. I’m here to be at your bedside talking a little bit of nonsense to take your mind off of stuff, to be your companion as you drift off.

 

So, my job’s to take your mind off of stuff and distract you. Ideally, as we walk together through the night, you float away off into dreamland. So, that’s what I hope for you. So, it’s a podcast you don’t listen to, even though it’s a sleep podcast it doesn’t really put you to sleep, and the show’s about an hour so you have plenty of time to fall asleep, and if you can’t sleep, as some listeners I know can’t, I’m here. I’m here to the very end to keep you company. I take that job very seriously. You can line up back-to-back-to-back episodes if you’re waking up or you’re going through a tough time or you’re just…that’s your natural state, as they say. Well, I just listen to you for companionship, Scoots, to be my bore-bud. I’m here for you.

 

I’m more than willing to follow Grimace down Frog Eye Lane and then…and follow Grimace home where Grimace is sitting on…I picture Grimace with a twin bed, a very simple room. Not just because he’s probably underpaid, but…I don’t know. Spart…? Is that what you’d say? Oh, it’s a spartan room. Right now, Grimace is sitting on the edge of Grimace’s bed. Oh, Grimace is a big, purple being, a bit like…it’s a…I don’t know how else to describe it. It looks like…Grimace kinda is shaped like an upside-down light bulb, but much more fuzzy and plush. None of that’s probably accurate…with a big, smiling face and big eyes. Oh boy, where was I? I was trying to explain what my sleep podcast was. Okay, so don’t listen, don’t pay attention, don’t worry; I’m here to keep you company while you fall asleep.

 

Structure of the show throws people off, obviously. Show starts off with a greeting; ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, friends beyond the binary, then there’s business. That’s what ables us to bring the podcast twice a week for free, then around six minutes or so into the show, or eight minutes or something, from minute eight to minute twenty or twenty-five is the intro. The intro’s where I just kinda ramble on and on and on and just introduce the show. So, for a new listener, you kinda get an idea of what the podcast is gonna be like…and, I don’t know, it just kinda tries to over-explain everything, which is one of my skills. I get distract…in the middle of over-explaining stuff, I go off-topic and get distracted. Then…oh, what was I talking about? And I forget stuff.

 

So…oh, but so, the intro for a regular listener, though…you kinda see how you adjust to it. You say, well, I like to start it before I get in bed, or I like to listen in bed, or I fall asleep. Or there’s $10 patrons that get two all-intro episodes a month. They say, that’s all I listen to. So, just kinda develop how you like to listen. For regular listeners, though, the intro’s something different every time but familiar…‘cause I don’t think I’ve talked about McDonald…oh, I shouldn’t have said that, ‘cause now they can find me…Grimace’s Family-Land before, but I could have. I think I talked about Snuffleupagus in the last six months and the…I almost called them the Hobbits…the Fraggles of Fraggle Rock.

 

Oh boy, was I wrong about that, ‘cause I looked it up on YouTube and I said, well, I get a lot of…I don’t remember much about the Fraggles that was correct, except for the theme song. I was pretty much spot on about that. Okay…and that they had a belief system…well, yeah, I was wrong about this, but this is not in the intro; some sort of garbage-based belief system. Okay, so…oh, so that’s the intro, then there’s business, and then there’s a story. Tonight it’ll be our episodically modular series, Otter Things, with a bit of seriality. But here’s the thing; you could listen to it in any order ‘cause we’ll catch you up on it. But you could also look at it like…what is this, Episode 9? You could say, well, this is Episode 1; all the other episodes are prequels. I’m not kidding.

 

Just like most mass-market paperbacks, you say, okay, well, you could read them in order and that’s fine if you want to, but don’t worry. It’s just as sleepy and I’ll catch you up on everything you kinda need…barely need to know, or our hostess will tonight. So, then there’s the thank-yous at the end of the show. So, that’s the structure of the show. I think that’s about it. The podcast is not for everybody; I’ve learned that over 900+ episodes, but a lot of times you don’t know if it’s for you or not until you find out, which takes a little while. Because it’s so different, you say, well, this is a podcast that’ll barely…I like to be…do you like to be entertained? Okay, most people do. What about barely entertained? Well, I don’t know. I’ve never been barely entertained.

 

I’d say, yeah, you might not have been aware of it before because you were thinking about…if you were barely entertained, you were probably…you say, oh yeah, that’s right. So, just kinda see how it goes. Give it a few tries. I really hope…I make this show for two reasons; one, because I’ve been there and I know how it feels, but two, because I believe you deserve a good night’s sleep and I want to help. So, give it a few tries. See how it goes. I’m really glad you checked the show out. I appreciate your time and I really work hard. I yearn and I strive ‘cause I really want to help you fall asleep, and here’s a couple of ways we’re able to do this for you twice a week. Thanks.

 

[END OF RECORDING]

(Transcription performed by LeahTranscribes)

All Intros

 

Doo Wop History

https://www.npr.org/2012/09/06/160670863/harmony-teenagers-and-the-complete-story-of-doo-wop

https://bertoltpress.com/2020/04/24/doo-wop-music-history/

https://www.jazzhistorytree.com/doo-wop/

 

Actuaries

https://futuretrack.org/beginning-and-history-of-actuarial-science/

https://www.theactuary.com/features/2017/07/2017/07/11/brief-history-actuarial-thinking

https://www.investopedia.com/terms/a/actuarial-science.asp

 

Birds Building Nests

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/build-a-bird-nest/

https://www.rspb.org.uk/birds-and-wildlife/natures-home-magazine/birds-and-wildlife-articles/features/home-sweet-home/

https://www.thedodo.com/unusual-bird-nests-1268578028.html

 

Carnegie Libraries

https://www.npr.org/2013/08/01/207272849/how-andrew-carnegie-turned-his-fortune-into-a-library-legacy

https://www.nps.gov/articles/carnegie-libraries-the-future-made-bright-teaching-with-historic-places.htm

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/retropolis/wp/2018/04/09/andrew-carnegie-built-1700-public-libraries-but-some-towns-refused-the-steel-barons-money/

 

Grimace History

https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/650142/grimace-mcdonalds-taste-bud

https://popcrush.com/what-is-grimace-mcdonalds/

https://www.foodandwine.com/news/what-is-grimace-mcdonalds

 

DOWN TO BUSINESS

The Monotones

 

Deep Dark Night United

Caitlin (Helix Sleep)

 

PLUGS

Hand in Hand; The Midnight Mission; Trevor Project; Sleep With Me Plus; SleepPhones; Rusty Biscuit Links; Emily Tat Artwork; NAPAWF; Anti-Racism Resources; Ukraine Relief; Crisis Textline

 

SPONSORS

AquaTru; Helix Sleep; Wild Health; Polysleep; Odoo; Air Doctor Pro; Zocdoc; Progressive

 

STORY

• • 907
  • Clearly there’s a lot on my mind
  • I suppose it’s nice to meet you, feelings
  • Traditional Folk Stories of Gift Giving
  • There’s no eyes of newts in this mixing
  • Newts, please reach out
  • Newts, U R 2 Kewt
  • Thinking of famous Newts
  • My a capella group is called The Monotones
  • Is Doo Wop a subgenre of A Capella?
  • U Talkin’ Newt 2 Me?
  • A podcast for newts and by newts
  • The great novel Newton was not a Newt
  • I guess we’re gonna talk about newts in some sense tonight
  • SWM: It’s 51% not half bad
  • RateMyNewts.com
  • Newt Caretaker
  • 908
  • Thoughts, how did you get there?
  • Thank goodness I’m not an actuary
  • I’m a cup of tea that people aren’t even sure is tea
  • Is that a bitter melon or tea?
  • Oh hi, Inner Nana
  • Nana, I don’t even know what a Galosh is
  • A trunkful of galoshes
  • I have to do the business up front

• Otter Things

• • Survey says everyone loves prequels!
  • 909
  • Outside Stuff
  • What does Bird Brain even mean?
  • My hair is a bit like a nest made of hay
  • Don’t worry, you can sit on my dome
  • When a bird is down, do they go flying?
  • The myth of Soaring on Thermals
  • Was Menelaus involved in Icarus?
  • What in the Bird Hay Nest??
  • I’m barely noticeable like a light breeze
  • You say Menelaus, I say Dr. Zaius
  • My hair and this show have structures people are not familiar with
  • The time a barber stared at my hair
  • Only Scooter has human fur for hair
  • This will be a soothing Doctor Who episode
  • Archetypal Doctor Who Feelings
  • My brain hops around like a mating bird on a tree branch
  • 910
  • Brain Stuff / Feeling Stuff
  • Chakras singing like Chaka Khan
  • Mixed up within my mixups
  • Let me De-Chaka Khan this safe place
  • I associate both Shakira and Chaka Khan with hip movement
  • Can we conference in Hill and Vincent Peele and Carnegie into my zoom brain?

• Building Rapport by Losing Rapport

• • This was originally gonna be a Doctor Who episode, but now I can’t pass this seminar up
  • Let me prove my competence through incompetence
  • There’s a point to this pointlessness
  • I’m just here to keep you company
  • I’m thinking about spatial relations now
  • Is the Sutro Karma book about spatial relations?
  • I’m here to facilitate relations between universe and galaxies
  • What even is a Quark?
  • Maybe I’ll even talk Nunsense
  • The Nebula Movie Series
  • Where was I? Absolutely nowhere, Scoots. 
  • 911
  • Let’s talk Royal We
  • A Fraught Fought Feeling
  • Selling frosted fraughts as a boy
  • Harumph Ferrumph
  • The faces of comedic cats in comic books
  • Regular listeners, feel free to make a grimace with your body
  • How come McDonald’s Grimace always had a smile?
  • Grimace’s growing, disturbing sense of self
  • Waiting for the magic to happen
  • Moving from a strong loathing to a mild not caring
  • Following Grimace home
  • Grimace’s spartan room
  • One of my skills is over-explaining things
  • Memories of Fraggles and Hobbits
  • Garbage-Based Belief System (GBBS)

• Otter Things

 

PATREON THANKS

n/a

 

SUMMARY:

Episode: 1246

Title: Newts R 2 Kewt | All Intros 907 – 911

Deep Dark Night United: Caitlin (Helix Sleep)

Plugs: Hand in Hand; The Midnight Mission; Trevor Project; Sleep With Me Plus; SleepPhones; Rusty Biscuit Links; Emily Tat Artwork; NAPAWF; Anti-Racism Resources; Ukraine Relief; Crisis Textline

Sponsors: AquaTru; Helix Sleep; Wild Health; Polysleep; Odoo; Air Doctor Pro; Zocdoc; Progressive

Patreon Thanks: n/a

Notable Language:

• 907
• Traditional Folk Stories of Gift Giving
• Newt
• Newt-Related Podcast (NRP)
• U Talkin’ Newt 2 Me?
• RateMyNewts.com
• Newt Caretaker
• 908
• Actuary
• Galosh
• A trunkful of galoshes
• 909
• Birdbrain
• Dome
• What in the Bird Hay Nest??
• Human Fur
• Archetypal Doctor Who Feelings
• I-N-S-U-L-T
• 910
• Chakra
• Let me De-Chaka Khan this safe place
• Rapport
• Sutro Karma
• Quark
• Nunsense
• Nebula
• 911
• Royal We
• A Fraught Fought Feeling
• Frosted Fraughts
• Harumph Ferrumph
• Grimace
• Grimace’s Spartan Room
• Garbage-Based Belief System (GBBS)

 

Notable Culture:

• • 907

• Geico

• • Newt Scamander / Fantastic Beasts
  • The Monotones
  • Doo Wop
  • A Capella
  • U Talkin’ Newt 2 Me?
  • U2
  • Adam Scott
  • Scott Aukerman
  • Newton was not a Newt, a novel
  • 908
  • “Pocketful of Kryptonite”
  • “Trunkful of Galoshes, right?”
  • Otter Things

• Stranger Things

• Emmet Otter

• 909

• • Icarus
  • Sisyphus

• Kid Icarus game

• Planet of the Apes

• • Doctor Who
  • Star Trek: TNG
  • The Good Place
  • 910
  • Chaka Khan
  • Shakira
  • Vincent Peele
  • Andrew Carnegie
  • Zoom
  • Building Rapport by Losing Rapport
  • Doctor Who
  • Kama Sutra
  • Nebula superhero
  • 911
  • Garfield comic
  • Grimace (McDonald’s)

• Jeopardy! / Alex Trebek

• Lord of the Rings

• Fraggle Rock

• Otter Things

• Stranger Things

• Emmet Otter

 

Notable Talking Points:

• • 907
  • Clearly there’s a lot on my mind
  • I suppose it’s nice to meet you, feelings
  • Traditional Folk Stories of Gift Giving
  • There’s no eyes of newts in this mixing
  • Newts, please reach out
  • Newts, U R 2 Kewt
  • Thinking of famous Newts
  • My a capella group is called The Monotones
  • Is Doo Wop a subgenre of A Capella?
  • U Talkin’ Newt 2 Me?
  • A podcast for newts and by newts
  • The great novel Newton was not a Newt

• I guess we’re gonna talk about newts in some sense tonight

• • SWM: It’s 51% not half bad
  • RateMyNewts.com
  • Newt Caretaker
  • 908
  • Thoughts, how did you get there?
  • Thank goodness I’m not an actuary
  • I’m a cup of tea that people aren’t even sure is tea
  • Is that a bitter melon or tea?
  • Oh hi, Inner Nana
  • Nana, I don’t even know what a Galosh is
  • A trunkful of galoshes
  • I have to do the business up front
  • Otter Things

• Survey says everyone loves prequels!

• • 909
  • Outside Stuff
  • What does Bird Brain even mean?
  • My hair is a bit like a nest made of hay
  • Don’t worry, you can sit on my dome
  • When a bird is down, do they go flying?
  • The myth of Soaring on Thermals
  • Was Menelaus involved in Icarus?
  • What in the Bird Hay Nest??
  • You say Menelaus, I say Dr. Zaius
  • My hair and this show have structures people are not familiar with
  • The time a barber stared at my hair
  • Only Scooter has human fur for hair
  • This will be a soothing Doctor Who episode
  • Archetypal Doctor Who Feelings
  • My brain hops around like a mating bird on a tree branch
  • 910
  • Brain Stuff / Feeling Stuff
  • Chakras singing like Chaka Khan
  • Mixed up within my mixups
  • Let me De-Chaka Khan this safe place
  • I associate both Shakira and Chaka Khan with hip movement
  • Can we conference in Hill and Vincent Peele and Carnegie into my zoom brain?
  • Building Rapport by Losing Rapport

• This was originally gonna be a Doctor Who episode, but now I can’t pass this seminar up

• Let me prove my competence through incompetence
• There’s a point to this pointlessness
• I’m just here to keep you company
• I’m thinking about spatial relations now
• Is the Sutro Karma book about spatial relations?
• I’m here to facilitate relations between universe and galaxies
• What even is a Quark?
• Maybe I’ll even talk Nunsense
• The Nebula Movie Series
• Where was I? Absolutely nowhere, Scoots. 
• 911
• Let’s talk Royal We
• A Fraught Fought Feeling
• Selling frosted fraughts as a boy
• Harumph Ferrumph
• The faces of comedic cats in comic books
• Regular listeners, feel free to make a grimace with your body
• How come McDonald’s Grimace always had a smile?
• Grimace’s growing, disturbing sense of self
• Waiting for the magic to happen
• Moving from a strong loathing to a mild not caring
• Following Grimace home
• Grimace’s spartan room
• One of my skills is over-explaining things
• Memories of Fraggles and Hobbits
• Garbage-Based Belief System (GBBS)