1244 – Hickory-Dickory Farms | Multiplex Ep3

Multiplex

 

Wario

https://www.polygon.com/wario/22698796/wario-game-list-history-retrospective

https://gamerant.com/warioware-games-history-nintendo-consoles-move-it-microgames-good-bad/

https://www.denofgeek.com/games/wario-nintendo-fanboy-origin-story-explained/

 

Swiss Army Knife

https://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/the-simple-elegant-history-of-the-swiss-army-knife

https://www.wired.com/2010/09/tracing-the-army-knifes-swiss-history/

https://www.newlyswissed.com/an-unabridged-history-of-the-swiss-army-knife/

 

Immersive Theatre

https://medium.com/@jfi84056/the-evolution-of-immersive-theatre-390a848106e6

https://gizmodo.com/sleep-no-more-review-immersive-theater-macbeth-nyc-1850874622

https://catrblogging.wordpress.com/papers/sleep-no-more/

 

Now Defunct Mall Stores

https://www.cbsnews.com/pictures/mall-stores-that-dont-exist-anymore/

https://www.businessinsider.com/stores-that-dont-exist-anymore-2018-8

https://popcrush.com/nostalgic-retail-stores-that-dont-exist-anymore-photos/

 

DOWN TO BUSINESS

Feeling like concentrated fresh squeeze

Is that a word, intangentially?

 

Deep Dark Night United

Sarah (Helix Sleep)

 

PLUGS

Hand in Hand; The Midnight Mission; Trevor Project; Sleep With Me Plus; SleepPhones; Rusty Biscuit Links; Emily Tat Artwork; NAPAWF; Anti-Racism Resources; Ukraine Relief; Crisis Textline; Pro-Democarcy Podcast Coalition

 

SPONSORS

AquaTru; Helix Sleep; Wild Health; Polysleep; Odoo; Air Doctor Pro; Zocdoc; Progressive

 

INTRO

You’re in a place where people kind of get it

One day you’ll be one of them

This is one of the first hurdles

That’s probably the easiest word I’ve ever defined on the podcast

Don’t even get me started on the hurdles in Wario

Just a fun random Warioware reference for you

What I’ve said so far definitely qualifies as being barely listened to

You can listen to this show however it’s going to work for you

Friendly Background Noise

If I”m not a track and field podcast, how come there’s so many hurdles here?

The Hurdle Turtle

Come on down to Hurdles, we’ve got Turtles

It’s been a while since I’ve talked about Turtle Wax

Only approved turtle waxers should ever wax a turtle

Oh wow, Turtle Wax still exists

Can you believe that most people don’t like the show the first time around?

There was a time when it was considered very important to wax your car

People really loved to wax their junky cars (no offense to my dad’s station wagon)

Well, I guess I do polish my apples…

I’ve been called out by myself

Sleep With Me: You Can’t Polish This Apple

Or I guess SWM is more like a strange, bitter melon

I’ve got turtles barely moving around in my brain

I do know once person that has a turtle

Or maybe a tortoise? Oh boy …

Tonight will be Multiplex

There will be mentions of sock puppets

 

STORY

I believe this is episode 3

Or at least it’s the 3rd episode I’m recording

An adventure that ends in averageness

I don’t know if this title is dual-meaning

Multi-perplexed

In search of Julius J Juice Concentrate

Hoping to pay for a scholarship

Antonio Banderas

Different experiments to silence Antonio’s charisma

He literally bubbles with effervescence, much to my chagrin

BYOTVS (Bring Your Own Tyvek Suit Day)

Bring Your Own Self Wrapped in Bubblewrap Day

Antonio has only grumbled at me once or twice

My other shirt is made of bubble wrap

Makeup people don’t have to deal with bubbling effervescence

Could we start a band called Cosmic Effervescence

Antonio can’t make a movie camera sound

I know some of you were fans of the public access show I used to put out

My love of dressing up and interviewing people about films I love

Being a bubble in a cake is great because it adds some fluff

It’s nice to be part of the crowd

It all started after I didn’t get a school scholarship

Corn Cob Kid brought us to the mall to look for juice concentrate

Man, even then the Corn Cob Kid was an entrepreneur

We were hiding out in Flatware World / Land of Cutlery

Someone in the store asked us to help

We’d gone under 2 sets of secure fencing

An entire store dedicated to cutting stuff (but also some flatware)

Sure we’ll help

Stepping into the dark store

The gate was lowered but we could escape into the mall

We did consider just leaving Boyd

Oh, I’m Wyatt. Also Josie and San are there

Employees of the World of Cutlery wore labcoats

This was a time of Samurai, Ninjas, and Kuing Fu had a great allure

You could always find samurai swords in the world of cutlery

(Out of reach, of course)

We longed for them

We were so disoriented

A box lined with felt

A very nice cutting implement

He went into a sales pitch for this cutting implement

The Finest Knife Money Can Buy

But there’s no knife in the box

This guy is named Shelly

They’re gonna find the knife for Shelly

Recently taken

I heard a rustling like someone was toilet papering a tree

And then the knife was gone

Shelly is waiting for the mall to open

He’ll open the front gate if they get the knife back

He’ll give them the samurai swords if they get the knife back

What happens when Shelly tries to leave the store?

They’re gonna help Shelly

If there’s any confusion, just remember that we’re here to help you

Shelly catches their drift

Back into the backroom

They’re resistant to Boyd’s idea

Boyd knows something strange is going on

They’ll go look for it in the restroom

Back into the service corridor

Back to the restroom, where we’d heard some noises of effort earlier

No More Groans

No sound, nothing

Boyd turned on the bright, bright flashlight

The bathroom was messy but not gross

Tatters of old ripped clothes in one open stall

Something you’d give a dog as a treat

That’s like Give a Dog a Bone

A PIece of Anatomical Decoration Not For Dogs

San picked it up like a samurai sword

We’re following the scent, metaphorically

That anatomical decoration was smooth and shiny and polished

Little scraps of cloth

The last junction in the service corridor

Swinging double doors

We could hear a sound in the mall

Like a cat going through a trash can, but muttering to itself in a human voice

Only one voice

Behind one of the raised fountains

Hickory Dickory Farms

It sold cheese and meats

Someone’s going through the coolers

They hold up a giant, dried up summer sausage

We saw a piece of cutlery glinting in the light

At this point, they’ve crossed the threshold

Scaffolding in front of one the closed stores

The store was called Le Fou

There were tarps and painter cloth

Boyd picked up a drop cloth

Let’s throw the cloth over the person and politely take the cutlery back

We threw the drop cloth

They might’ve needed that cutlery to cut up the old summer sausage

Just some unintelligible noise

All they want is to return the cutlery

Pretending to be authority figures on safety patrol

Josie takes the summer sausage for good measure

We were into playing the role of authority figure

Is anyone else there?

The person there just laid there and made a sad, groaning sound

Back to the World of Cutlery

Shelly was sitting in a dark corner

Shelly was in a fugue-like state

Shelly wants to give something else to them besides the samurai swords

A Finnish Safety Utility Cutlery Device

The next big thing – Multi-Cutlery

We got a bunch of free cutlery

The gate clangs as they open it up

There was acrylic on the gate

Shelly doesn’t answer their calls

They leave the keys for Shelly on the counter

We hear sad, upset sounds from the Hickory Dickory Farms

There was nothing intimidating about that person

Headed towards Julius J Juice

Josie had a samurai sword and summer sausage

The person was crawling away from Hickory Dickory Farms, still under the tarp

Josie tells them to be quiet

Oh, this was some sort of immersive theatre

A Mommy, a cloth-wrapped being

Oh, that’s an animatronic for sure

A new kind of immersive theatre

Some sort of theatre adventure

We’re their test run

The coolest experience we’ve ever been a part of

We didn’t trust that Boyd wasn’t in on this, too

The Mommy is confused why they threw that tarp on it

Mommy was just trying to fix things

They’re falling to pieces

Help put me back together so I can go back home

The sausage and anatomical piece were for the Mommy!

Losing a lot of cloth-based mass

They offer to carry the Mommy around in the cloth

Let’s go to where we buy candy and soda before the movies

Heading to Fay’s (a drugstore)

We really didn’t want to damage that animatronic

All Will Be Well

 

PATREON THANKS

Kelly, Met, Laurie, Melissa, Adam, Dan, Kate, Karsten, David, Stephanie, Melanie, Sam, Justin, Ryan, Caitlin, Jessica, Alexandra, Vanessa, Melise, David, Laura, Cynthia, Emily, Carly, Callum, Matt, Linda, Scott, Brianna, Kristy

 

SUMMARY:

Episode: 1,244

Title: Hickory-Dickory Farms | Multiplex Ep3

Deep Dark Night United: Sarah (Helix Sleep)

Plugs: Hand in Hand; The Midnight Mission; Trevor Project; Sleep With Me Plus; SleepPhones; Rusty Biscuit Links; Emily Tat Artwork; NAPAWF; Anti-Racism Resources; Ukraine Relief; Crisis Textline; Pro-Democarcy Podcast Coalition

Sponsors: AquaTru; Helix Sleep; Wild Health; Polysleep; Odoo; Air Doctor Pro; Zocdoc; Progressive

Patreon Thanks: Kelly, Met, Laurie, Melissa, Adam, Dan, Kate, Karsten, David, Stephanie, Melanie, Sam, Justin, Ryan, Caitlin, Jessica, Alexandra, Vanessa, Melise, David, Laura, Cynthia, Emily, Carly, Callum, Matt, Linda, Scott, Brianna, Kristy

Notable Language:

• Intangentially
• Friendly Background Noise
• Hurdle
• The Hurdle Turtle
• T-U-R-T-L-E W-A-X
• Sleep With Me: You Can’t Polish This Apple
• Multi-perplexed
• BYOTVS (Bring Your Own Tyvek Suit Day)
• Bubbling Effervescence
• Samurai Swords
• Drift Caught
• No More Groans
• A PIece of Anatomical Decoration Not For Dogs
• Fugue-Like State (FLS)
• A Finnish Safety Utility Cutlery Device
• Multi-Cutlery
• Advanced Entertainment Device
• Cloth-Based Mass (CBM)

 

Notable Culture:

• Warioware

• • Track & Field
  • Turtle Wax

• Multiplex

• Antonio Banderas
• “Lust For Life” – Iggy Pop
• Cool Max
• “Cosmic Thing” – B-52s
• Alvin & The Chipmunks
• Flatware World / Land of Cutlery
• Spencer’s Gifts / Spence’s House of Gifts
• Hickory Farms / Hickory Dickory Farms
• Disney
• Eeyore
• Fay’s

 

Notable Talking Points:

• You’re in a place where people kind of get it
• One day you’ll be one of them
• This is one of the first hurdles
• That’s probably the easiest word I’ve ever defined on the podcast
• Don’t even get me started on the hurdles in Wario
• Just a fun random Warioware reference for you
• What I’ve said so far definitely qualifies as being barely listened to
• You can listen to this show however it’s going to work for you
• Friendly Background Noise
• If I”m not a track and field podcast, how come there’s so many hurdles here?
• The Hurdle Turtle
• Come on down to Hurdles, we’ve got Turtles
• It’s been a while since I’ve talked about Turtle Wax
• Only approved turtle waxers should ever wax a turtle
• Oh wow, Turtle Wax still exists
• Can you believe that most people don’t like the show the first time around?
• There was a time when it was considered very important to wax your car
• People really loved to wax their junky cars (no offense to my dad’s station wagon)
• Well, I guess I do polish my apples…
• I’ve been called out by myself
• Sleep With Me: You Can’t Polish This Apple
• Or I guess SWM is more like a strange, bitter melon
• I’ve got turtles barely moving around in my brain
• I do know once person that has a turtle
• Or maybe a tortoise? Oh boy …
• Tonight will be Multiplex
• There will be mentions of sock puppets
• I believe this is episode 3
• Or at least it’s the 3rd episode I’m recording
• An adventure that ends in averageness
• I don’t know if this title is dual-meaning
• Multi-perplexed
• In search of Julius J Juice Concentrate
• Hoping to pay for a scholarship
• Antonio Banderas
• Different experiments to silence Antonio’s charisma
• He literally bubbles with effervescence, much to my chagrin
• BYOTVS (Bring Your Own Tyvek Suit Day)
• Bring Your Own Self Wrapped in Bubblewrap Day
• Antonio has only grumbled at me once or twice
• My other shirt is made of bubble wrap
• Makeup people don’t have to deal with bubbling effervescence
• Could we start a band called Cosmic Effervescence
• Antonio can’t make a movie camera sound
• I know some of you were fans of the public access show I used to put out
• My love of dressing up and interviewing people about films I love
• Being a bubble in a cake is great because it adds some fluff
• It’s nice to be part of the crowd
• It all started after I didn’t get a school scholarship
• Corn Cob Kid brought us to the mall to look for juice concentrate
• Man, even then the Corn Cob Kid was an entrepreneur
• We were hiding out in Flatware World / Land of Cutlery
• Someone in the store asked us to help
• We’d gone under 2 sets of secure fencing
• An entire store dedicated to cutting stuff (but also some flatware)
• Sure we’ll help
• Stepping into the dark store
• The gate was lowered but we could escape into the mall
• We did consider just leaving Boyd
• Oh, I’m Wyatt. Also Josie and San are there
• Employees of the World of Cutlery wore labcoats
• This was a time of Samurai, Ninjas, and Kuing Fu had a great allure
• You could always find samurai swords in the world of cutlery
• (Out of reach, of course)
• We longed for them
• We were so disoriented
• A box lined with felt
• A very nice cutting implement
• He went into a sales pitch for this cutting implement
• The Finest Knife Money Can Buy
• But there’s no knife in the box
• This guy is named Shelly
• They’re gonna find the knife for Shelly
• Recently taken
• I heard a rustling like someone was toilet papering a tree
• And then the knife was gone
• Shelly is waiting for the mall to open
• He’ll open the front gate if they get the knife back
• He’ll give them the samurai swords if they get the knife back
• What happens when Shelly tries to leave the store?
• They’re gonna help Shelly
• If there’s any confusion, just remember that we’re here to help you
• Shelly catches their drift
• Back into the backroom
• They’re resistant to Boyd’s idea
• Boyd knows something strange is going on
• They’ll go look for it in the restroom
• Back into the service corridor
• Back to the restroom, where we’d heard some noises of effort earlier
• No More Groans
• No sound, nothing
• Boyd turned on the bright, bright flashlight
• The bathroom was messy but not gross
• Tatters of old ripped clothes in one open stall
• Something you’d give a dog as a treat
• That’s like Give a Dog a Bone
• A PIece of Anatomical Decoration Not For Dogs
• San picked it up like a samurai sword
• We’re following the scent, metaphorically
• That anatomical decoration was smooth and shiny and polished
• Little scraps of cloth
• The last junction in the service corridor
• Swinging double doors
• We could hear a sound in the mall
• Like a cat going through a trash can, but muttering to itself in a human voice
• Only one voice
• Behind one of the raised fountains
• Hickory Dickory Farms
• It sold cheese and meats
• Someone’s going through the coolers
• They hold up a giant, dried up summer sausage
• We saw a piece of cutlery glinting in the light
• At this point, they’ve crossed the threshold
• Scaffolding in front of one the closed stores
• The store was called Le Fou
• There were tarps and painter cloth
• Boyd picked up a drop cloth
• Let’s throw the cloth over the person and politely take the cutlery back
• We threw the drop cloth
• They might’ve needed that cutlery to cut up the old summer sausage
• Just some unintelligible noise
• All they want is to return the cutlery
• Pretending to be authority figures on safety patrol
• Josie takes the summer sausage for good measure
• We were into playing the role of authority figure
• Is anyone else there?
• The person there just laid there and made a sad, groaning sound
• Back to the World of Cutlery
• Shelly was sitting in a dark corner
• Shelly was in a fugue-like state
• Shelly wants to give something else to them besides the samurai swords
• A Finnish Safety Utility Cutlery Device
• The next big thing – Multi-Cutlery
• We got a bunch of free cutlery
• The gate clangs as they open it up
• There was acrylic on the gate
• Shelly doesn’t answer their calls
• They leave the keys for Shelly on the counter
• We hear sad, upset sounds from the Hickory Dickory Farms
• There was nothing intimidating about that person
• Headed towards Julius J Juice
• Josie had a samurai sword and summer sausage
• The person was crawling away from Hickory Dickory Farms, still under the tarp
• Josie tells them to be quiet
• Oh, this was some sort of immersive theatre
• A Mommy, a cloth-wrapped being
• Oh, that’s an animatronic for sure
• A new kind of immersive theatre
• Some sort of theatre adventure
• We’re their test run
• The coolest experience we’ve ever been a part of
• We didn’t trust that Boyd wasn’t in on this, too
• The Mommy is confused why they threw that tarp on it
• Mommy was just trying to fix things
• They’re falling to pieces
• Help put me back together so I can go back home
• The sausage and anatomical piece were for the Mommy!
• Losing a lot of cloth-based mass
• They offer to carry the Mommy around in the cloth
• Let’s go to where we buy candy and soda before the movies
• Heading to Fay’s (a drugstore)
• We really didn’t want to damage that animatronic
• All Will Be Well

Episode 1244 – Hickory-Dickory Farms | Multiplex Ep 3

 

[START OF RECORDING]

 

SCOOTER: Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, whether you’re feeling like concentrate or fresh-squeezed or you have no…you say, where am I? What is…what are you talking about? Well, you’re probably not here to concentrate or have anything fresh-squeezed, and I don't know why that popped in my brain except that it’s barely, intangentially…no, barely tangentially. Is there a word, intangentially? These are the questions that come up. Welcome to Sleep With Me, the podcast that’s here to keep you company and take your mind off of stuff so you could fall asleep. It’s a very different show. I’m glad you’re here to check it out, at least, and I hope you discover I become your friend in the deep, dark night that you don’t have to listen to.

 

For some people that’s an ideal arrangement, so let’s see how it goes. I’m here to take your mind off of stuff and keep you company. I think I already said that, too. Repetition’s a part of the…it’s very different. So, what’s coming up here; support — so many people enjoy listening to this ad-supported feed — then there’s a long, meandering intro separate from the support that eases you into bedtime or helps as you’re getting ready for bed…also inefficiently introduces the podcast, and then there will a bedtime story later on, about twenty, thirty minutes into the show that…where I talk about Multiplex, and we’ll talk about a juice…the only reason is juice comes up in that…not really. It’s just a background thing. But this podcast is mostly…they say, what…could you tell me about Sleep With Me?

 

Oh boy, give me…well, it’s kinda like a background thing I listen to while I’m falling asleep. So, just see how it goes. Not millions of people, but probably a million people have said it took two or three tries before I got used to the show. At first I didn’t quite get it. You could feel ambivalent or skeptical, so just see how it goes. I’m glad you’re here and, yeah, let’s see what…we want you come along and…why don’t…would you…? I wonder, could you try barely listening to me? So, let’s…I don't know. I don't have anything…I’m out of…I never…I didn’t have anything witty to say in this setup, but…I still don’t have…Sleep With Me…the host of Sleep With Me quoted, “I still don’t have anything witty to say.” I’m still talking, but not anything witty right now or now. So, thanks again for stopping by, and thanks for supporting the show, my bore-friends.

 

INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether that’s thoughts you’re thinking about about the past, the present, the future, feelings, anything coming up for you emotionally, physical sensations, changes in time, temperature, routine. Whatever’s keeping you awake, I’m here to keep you company and take your mind off of stuff so you could fall asleep, not so much to put you to sleep.

 

What I’ll do is I’ll send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, and superfluous tangents, and…all to help you fall asleep because, one, you deserve a good night's sleep. You deserve a place you could get some rest, a bedtime you don’t have to dread, a bedtime you could feel neutral about, but you also are in a place where people kinda get it. Maybe I haven’t been through the same thing you’ve been through that you’re going through that’s keeping you awake, but I can probably relate to how it feels, and if…even if I can’t relate to how it feels, there’s someone out there who can relate that’s been through something similar and not only understands how you feel, but they get it. They’re leaning in right now.

 

One day you’ll be one of these people if you become a regular listener, and it’s really a pleasurable spot to be in where you could say, hey, yeah, no, I get it. I’m glad you’re here. I’m…really hope…happy, and I know how it feels. So, yeah, I don't know if it’s very helpful right now, but it just means that’s why I make the show. I’ve been there; tossing, turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep. So have a lot of other people. So, yeah, that’s the start. Yeah, what I do is I send my voice across the deep, dark night…lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones means my voice is not traditionally soothing. Pointless meanders and superfluous tangents mean I go off topic and I get mixed up. Okay, so what else do you need to know if you’re new? So, this is a podcast which…this is one of the first hurdles, I guess.

 

I don't know if I say…have I used that word? Hurdles; something that’s hard to get over. That’s funny. It’s one of the easiest words I’ve ever needed to define on air. Hurdle…I mean, it’s something to get over, something that’s hard for me to get over, especially playing Wario, am I right? Holy moly, those hurdles. Just a random WarioWare reference in there. Not tucked in there, but that’s…I wasn’t picturing myself jumping hurdles; I was picturing myself trying to jump hurdles playing WarioWare. That’s a game with mini-games, and one of the mini-games is jumping over hurdles. I think you probably knew that. But what I was saying? It’s a hurdle to get over that…there’s a few of them, quite a few hurdles in this podcast, which makes sense. One, first off, this is a podcast you don’t really listen to.

 

You just kinda barely listen or passively listen. I think I’ve qualified for being barely listened to, whatever I’ve said so far. You say, okay, I could just…I could barely listen to you. You’re bare…yeah, you’re definitely barely listenable. You got that going for you. I’d say, thanks. We get each other. So, it’s a podcast that’s just like background noise or something you’re not paying attention to. Even though I’m rambling on and on and on, you’re just like, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, oh yeah, okay. But in this sense, it’s okay. I’m totally down for it. That’s what I’m here to do, is just barely entertain you. This is also a podcast that doesn't put you to sleep. I keep you company while you fall asleep instead of putting you to sleep.

 

I’m here to keep you company, take your mind off of stuff, to be your bore-friend, your bore-bae, your bore-sib, your bore-bud, your bore-bor, your Borbie, your neigh-bore, your bores, your bore-friend, your bore-bestie, your friend in the deep, dark night, which means there’s no pressure to fall asleep. I’m gonna be here for over an hour, so you don’t even have to think about falling asleep. You just barely listen to me. There’s people who are listening who can’t sleep or who need a break during the day; I’m here to barely entertain them, too. There’s also a bunch of episodes so you could pick your favorites, make a playlist, or let it play over and over again or stop the show and start it when you need it, however it’s gonna work for you. But, yeah, you can just barely listen to me.

 

I think that I’m barely…I’m like background noise, friendly background noise that’s here to distract you from whatever’s keeping you awake so you could fall asleep, to take your mind off of stuff. What else do you need to know other than…okay, so…oh, when you first get here…I think I already kinda talked about this. This show is very…this is another…or maybe it’s just all the hurdles. You say, if you’re not a hurtling podcast or a track-and-field…what’s with all the hurdles, man? Hurdle, when you say it too many times, it takes all the meaning out of it. It sounds like some sort of a…a type of turtle. What is that, a hurdle? That’s a…that turtle is a hurdle. Yeah, it’s from…that’s why it has such a unique shape. That’s a hurdle turtle. Maybe that would be a brand…some corporation…oh no, no, yeah, those are Hurdle Turtles.

 

You can only get them here at Hurdles. Come on down to Hurdles. We got turtles. Technically they’re Hurdle Turtles. That’s a Hurdle…when you see a turtle…you know, it’s been a while since I talked about Turtle Wax, too, and I won't go on a huge tangent about it, but there was a thing…I don't know…I don't…I never figured out if they still sell it or not. Let me look it up. But there’s something…most of you are gonna be like, there’s some…there was something in the eighties, maybe even the nineties, called Turtle Wax, right? It came in a…maybe a orange bottle? It wasn’t for waxing your turtles. Turtles said, whoa, whoa, whoa…actually, no one spoke and said, can you not…?

 

There’s not…no waxing of turtles, please, unless you’re in the Turtle Wax…unless you’re a actual turtle-waxer and you’re doing it by approved methods with a zoologist or something. This was to…what is that thing called? A car. It was for…it was car polish. Let me just see what happens when I put it in here. T-U-R-T-L-E W-A-X. Well, it may still exist. Yeah, you could still buy it. They even have a website. Award-winning…in 1944. So, still going, still going strong despite the fact that I pointed out that it’s not for turtles. Even if it was, they’d say…that would be really confusing, so don’t…Turtle Wax, don’t get into the turtle-waxing business 'cause that would be really…you say, is this the Turtle Wax…?

 

This is, again, one of those old Vaudeville…is that the Turtle Wax for turtles or the Turtle Wax…is that turtle Turtle Wax? Oh yeah, this is the Hurdle…no, this is the Hurdle Turtle Turtle Wax. Did I turn into…did I tune into a sleep podcast? So…oh, what I was trying to say is that most people don’t like the show when they first get here. Could you believe that? I say that in jest 'cause most people get here…you’re tired, you’re skeptical, you’re frustrated, you’ve tried a bunch of stuff, and it…you say, I just want to get some sleep. I’m fed up. Then this show is very different, right? It doesn't follow anything that could be considered normal, but it’s really here to keep you company and take your mind off of stuff.

 

So, alls I say is if you’re here and you totally loathe me and the show already, sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou has other sleep podcasts and stuff to check out…that maybe one of those will help you. ‘Cause like I said earlier, you still deserve a good night's sleep and a bedtime you could look forward to and something that helps you fall asleep. But for most regular listeners, what they’ve found is that it took two or three tries to get used to the show, and then after the third try or the second try…or for a lot of people letting me know…it worked for me on the first try where I realized, oh, this is just something very different. This is like a friend in the deep, dark night. This is this goofball who really believes…and now, internationally…this is probably only a thing in the US.

 

Again, I bring this up also; it’s like, there was a time when it was considered very important, at least in the small world…to wax your car. I still think taking…like, for non-car enthusiasts…I’m just talking about regular people with — no offense to my father — junky cars. You’d say, well, it just…it was a point of pride for him. I’d say, okay, you got me there. Okay, you got me. I’m speechless now. It was a point of pride for him to wax his station wagons and to have us joining him. So, it is a positive…well, it is a positive memory for me, but I was always like…this is the idea of waxing…you say, what, am I gonna wax an apple before I eat it? That doesn't even make any sense. I mean, I do polish my apples, though, so…holy cow, all of my failings are being pointed out here. So, you can't shine this apple.

 

Sleep With Me; can't shine this apple. Holy moly…'cause I’m not even an apple, right? I’m a strange, bitter melon. So…and that’s…is the show’s acquired taste. That’s why it does take two or three tries to get used to, 'cause at some point…it is like one of those strange melon flavors where you say, what is this? Then on the second or third try, I say, huh, I kinda like this now. So, just give it a few tries and see how it goes. That’s just what most people have said, because then you realize, oh, this show is never…he never…it doesn't ever make any sense. It always is barely making sense. So, those are the most important things. The last thing I’ll tell you is the structure of the show which is very intentional, which really does elicit a lot of strong feelings from people. But it’s just us doing the best we can.

 

There are ways to adjust the show, but this is just how most people listen to the show. But then again, if you become a regular listener, you could figure out what works best for you. The show starts off with a greeting; friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, then I say something else. That’s so you feel seen and welcomed in and you say, okay, I might be able to check this podcast out. Then there’s support, so, the show’s sponsor support and people that support the sponsors; that’s how it’s free for everybody, and most people prefer that. They say, okay, I prefer a show that’s just free, sponsor-supported.

 

Then there’s a long, meandering intro, totally separate from the support, which we’re like, ten minutes into, maybe even longer, where I try to ineffectively explain what the podcast is, just like I’ve been doing now, and then I go on a tangent about Turtle Wax after a tangent that I already forgot about. Then I’ll eventually get back to it and then I’ll…'cause there’s turtles not running around in my brain but barely moving around in my brain. So, yeah, that…now I’m distracted by all the turtles. You know, I do know one person that I’m friends with…now, they don’t live in the Bay Area…that has a turtle. So, I’ve got that going. Maybe it’s a tortoise. Oh boy, messed that one up. I think it’s a tortoise. Oh, I was explaining, though, that…yeah, so, the intro goes on and on and on, then there’s support.

 

Oh, the reason the intro goes on and on and on…that’s the important thing. It’s not…the intro’s not really designed to put you to sleep but ease you into bedtime. So, while there are a couple people that fall asleep during the intro, most people are getting ready for bed or winding down or doing a chill activity to ease them into bedtime. You could even be in bed getting comfortable, but most people just don’t fall asleep in the first fifteen, twenty, thirty minutes. It takes some time, and that’s what outside of the podcast I’ve seen and in my personal life I’ve seen, is having a bedtime routine. So, ideally the intro could be a part of your bedtime routine. Then there’s support so the show could be free for everybody. If you prefer a ad-free experience, you could do that on Sleep With Me+ or through our referral program.

 

Then there’s a bedtime story. I was gonna say a long, meandering intro. Tonight it’ll be our…Multiplex, our episodically modular series, so that’ll be nice, where some friends will be walking around a mall trying to help somebody. So, what could be better? I think there’s gonna be sock puppets and…or mentions of sock puppets, so that’ll be great, and then there’s thank-yous at the end. So, that’s the structure of the show. That’s why I make the show. I’m really glad you’re here. I work really hard. I yearn and I strive. Thanks again for coming by, and here’s a couple ways I’m able to do this for you for free twice a week.

 

Alright everybody, welcome to our episodically modular series, Multiplex. It’s a ongoing series. It’s episodically modular, meaning…this, I believe, is Episode…the third episode I’m recording. Oh boy, I almost fell out of my episodically modular…there’s not really rules. That’s the great thing about episodically modular shows. If you’re listening to this for the first time, don't worry; the main character or the narrate…character who’s narrating…? I don't know. They’re gonna catch you up on most of the details you would need to know, and then you could listen to Episodes 1 and 2 and they’ll be like, just pretend they’re episodes…whatever. They’re non-numbered episodes. You say, oh, okay, so this is giving me a little back…going back to the backstory now.

 

How did we get to where we were in that episode I listened to that Scoots is talk…that is happening in this moment, but it may not be listened to in this moment? So, you can listen to them in any order, is basically…it’s designed that way. Multiplex is a tale about four high-school-age young people on an adventure that…supposedly, the conclusion is them…an adventure that ends in averageness? Or something like that. I can't exactly put it to words. But it takes place thus far…there hasn’t…I don't know if Multiplex is a dual-meaning title or not. Hardy-har-har. I mean, I’m perplexed. I’m multi-perplexed by many things. Multiplex; that’s multi-perplexed. But we’re at a shopping mall. We left the mini-golf course.

 

We’re in search of Julius J Juice…Doctor Julius Juice concentrate so that our…one of our characters could pay for their school, 'cause they…apparently they didn’t get a scholarship. They were in The World of Things? I don't know, some store, and…I was just buying time, though. So, welcome to Multiplex. Here’s our Hollywood announcer, always on time. I don't want to make…I want to make sure I’m clear. I was only buying time because no matter how…it’s one of those things…what is that called? The…something rule. The more time you have for something, the more…the time…it takes the time to fit. So, the earlier Antonio arrives to record for thirty-five seconds or whatever, I find different ways or experiments he can try to silence his charisma, his joy. I don't know, you do bubble with effervescence.

 

You’d think that was a figurative term. You say, Antonio Banderas bubbles…he’s got a effervescence about him, a bubbly effervescence in addition to all the other great features he has. Now, most of the time that’d be…one; it’d be a figurative term, two; it’d be a positive. It’d be a compliment and Antonio would take it as he is now, throwing his head back and trying to laugh silently. But when you’re recording a sleep podcast and you do…I do notice these things, mostly with Antonio, where I say, wait a second, your…you may be bubbling with effervescence or your effervescence may be bubbling, or your bubbles may be effervescent. Even though there’s a figurative aspect of that probably based on your spiritual whatever or your charisma or, you know, your joy…your zest va va vie, or whatever. Cest va za vie?

 

You know, your lust for life is…was once a punk song and then was in a cruise commercial. But it is actually bubbling or…you’re making some sort of effervescent sound that the mic can pick up. So, we try to go through different stages of preparation to silence those things for the benefit of the listener, and Antonio’s willing. He loves it. He’s the only person…we could try…that we tested it out…BYOTVS or whatever; Bring Your Own Tyvek Suit Day. That was the only…he was the only employee that…technically he’s not an employee 'cause he does this…the joy of sleep. Obviously bubble wrap didn’t work, Bring Your Own Bubble Wrap Day…Bring Yourself Wrapped in Bubble Wrap Day.

 

He called me; he said, I can't…he got in his car in Los…in the Los Angeles…Greater Los Angeles Area and he said, I can’t drive the car. I just real…I’ve wrapped myself for Wrap Myself In Bubble Wrap Day. Also, he said, it’s very warm. I said, why don’t you see if you could find any…is there any bubble wrap made from Coolmax? That was the only time…I heard him mumble, I’ll give you a Coolmax, but then he showed up with a Coolmax t-shirt for me that said, ‘My other shirt is made from bubble wrap’, which I thought was funny. So, anyway, he puts up with a lot because he just loves all of you. Really. I’m not kidding. I said, you’d be perfect for those movies where you have to sit in a chair and put makeup on for six to eight hours before you shoot or film or whatever.

 

I said, probably you were…you’ve been in movies like that. ‘Cause I say, you’re perfect for it. But even when you keep still…the makeup people, they don’t have to deal with bubbling effervescence that’s some sort of…you say, okay, could you pin it…cosmic…it’s some sort of bubbling, cosmic effervescence. That’s why it’s not figurative. People think it is, but these cosmic things…you know, not only do they have a song by Deee-Lite, but they also have a sound, a tone. But anyway, I’m so glad to introduce the man with the bubble…the effervescence…cosmic effervescence. Could we…if…could we start a duo, a musical duo?

 

Okay, that’d be our first album, Cosmic…Bubbling Cosmic Effervescence. It doesn't work. Just Cosmic Effervescence. Antonio…Andrew and Antonio…it doesn't work. Don’t say that…you can't say that on the mic. He said something that rhymes with…starts the same as ‘Banderas’, but he was referring to me. That actually would work. I just don’t think…I guess we could self-publish it. Would Spotify censor that if it was…? ‘Cause I would go…okay, I don't have any musical talent, either, so it could be…we could be like the new Alvin and Chipmunks. He’s really laughing now. Cosmic Effervescence; our first album. Banderas and…you know. So, yeah, here’s Mr. Antonio Banderas.

 

The friends beyond the binary, the ladies, the gentlemen, the boys, the girls, it’s time to…I love putting all of you to sleep. Yeah. I bubble because I love. It’s time for Multiplex. I don't have a movie camera sound, but…or…but it’s movie time and Multiplex time. Yeah. Once again, that’s why you’re a pro, man. Holy cow. You don’t even need that cosmic effervescence. Also, was that word you were saying…? I always get mixed up if it starts with a P or a B. But anyway, that’s Mr. Antonio Banderas. This is Multiplex.

 

Alright, hey everybody, this is your narrator. I’m here recording. I know some of you that are listening to this are fans of the show I used to put out and wondering…the reason I’m recording this is because…I don't feel like I needed to come clean, but I wanted a record of the fact that it wasn’t creativity that drove the somewhat-popular public domain or public-access show that, now in this present day because of streaming and stuff, has gotten more attention, that people thought that it was my creativity…and there were other people…and I consider myself somewhat creative; my love of those films, my love of dressing up and interviewing people involved in those films and movies and shows, and the people that came before me and did that thing and influenced me.

 

But the fact of the matter is this isn’t just a story about how those things were real, not creative. Those interviews, some of them were with the real people that I became friends with. This is a tale not of how do you become friends with people whose movies and stories are based on them. This is a tale that never gets told. It’s…how do you go from being at the top to in the middle? You know, instead of being the icing on the cake, you’re just one of those bubbles in the cake. You say, being a bubble in a cake’s pretty good because that adds the…some fluff…to being in a crowd, a person among persons, when I was on a path and my friends were on a path to whatever you want to call it, the pie in the sky, the A-list, the creme de creme. How does one take…?

 

Sorry, I’m…but how does one take a heroic journey to non-heroism, right? It doesn't get told, but it was…and along the way we had some pretty sweet adventures. But it all started after I didn’t get a scholarship to school. My friends did. You’ll hear more about them…playing a mini-golf game to kinda forget about it. We pretended the game had high stakes. The Corncob Kid appeared at the end of the game and the Corncob Kid told a tale to us, a tale that was…may or may not be true. Well, it was true, that the Corncob Kid had found a way into the mall across the way where the Corncob Kid found concentrated cans of Doctor Julius J Juice concentrate. That was a popular juice place at the shopping malls in the 1980s and online bulletin boards, or alt.doctorjuliusjjuice.fans or something.

 

There was people willing to pay for…because it no longer existed, cans of concentrate…of Doctor Julius J Juice concentrate. So, you make your own Doctor Julius J Juice at home. The Corncob Kid, Boyd, had found a stash of them in a shopping mall long-since closed, long-since forgotten, or so we thought, obviously. So, we made our way towards the shopping mall, through some culverts…we lost our way. We split up. Not everybody was ready for the journey, but then we reconnected and we found a way into the shopping mall, heard some noise in a restroom, and we headed in a different direction 'cause we were worried about getting in trouble, obviously. My friends still had scholarships to school.

 

Boyd, the Corncob Kid…I don't know what…what at that time was…Boyd was a entrepreneur even at that age. But we made our…we tried to hide out in…what was it called? Flatware World or The Land of Cutlery? I don't know. I’m here recording. My dog’s looking at me, but that’s not gonna help me figure anything out. But we were hiding out in the storeroom. It was the only unlocked door, and we closed it behind us. We were lying low in the former storeroom of The World of Cutlery, and someone in the store said, hey, can you help me? Which was a bit of a surprise to us 'cause we had thought no…Boyd had said no one was in the mall. Maybe someone was looking around.

 

That’s what we thought we heard in the restroom, and that’s what we still thought we heard, someone whose job was to patrol and…safety patrol the closed shopping mall. Though we were a little bit concerned that the shopping mall had two sets of very new fencing around it, very secure fencing. We had gone under the fence. But there we were in the back room of The World of Flatware, Cutlery, or whatever it was called. An entire store for…not just flatware, though. That would have been a different store. Implements for cut…you need to pare a pear? You could go to Cutlery…The World of Cutlery. But they also sold flatware, which is…it’s not flat…flatware; not really all of it…most of it’s not totally flat, even your butter…definitely not your butter knife. But a spoon, a fork?

 

They go flat against…anyway, so this person says, can you help me? I don't know if I had left off there or what I was…but we were like, whoa, whoa, whoa. We’re very surprised. We didn’t say it that way, though, and…at first. Some of us were drooling and we all held our bladders, but that’s even surprising. After we calmed down…it was dark in the storeroom. Not pitch-dark, though, and Boyd said, sure. He said, can you come into the store, then? Now, Boyd had this sense of confidence. Corncob Kid…Boyd carried a corncob pipe designed for children at another store in the mall. No tobacco in the pipe or anything else, but Boyd liked…that’s how Boyd was known, as the Corncob Kid. Also may have been a corn farmer? I don't know.

 

I can’t…at this time in my life the facts get mixed up with…but some of the…most of this is how I remember it 'cause I wrote it down in my own handwriting. So, Boyd’s confidence somewhat soothed us and we followed Boyd, we followed this person into the store of The World of Cutlery. Immediately, Boyd looked back at us and then looked at the gate, which was lowered, but beyond the gate was the shopping mall, and that was important because we still wanted to get to Doctor Julius J Juice, get the juice concentrate, as much as we could, get it out of the mall…because it was salvage at this point. The mall had been closed for a long time. Doctor Julius J Juice was out of business. In fact, the irony was I think The World…but I don't know if I thought…none of that I was thinking about at the time.

 

I was just like, oh, Boyd…okay, we could get through the gate. Why is Boyd…why can't we…? We may have even been talking…why can't we just get outta here? ‘Let’s just leave Boyd’ was one of the theories we…between San, Josie, and I. I’m Wyatt, by the way. Pleased to meet you, if I haven’t met you already. Glad you’re here to hear my tale. There we were, Corncob Kid, employee…oh, and they also had a…what do you call that, a smock, a vest? Oh no, a lab coat type thing. There was something about when you worked at The World of Cutlery where you wore lab coats, and it had a…what is that called? Embroidered thing that said ‘The World of Cutlery’. Now, there’s…one of the things you should know about The World of Cutlery, if you’re not from this time period…one, you’d say, that’s surprising that there’s just a store…and I don't know any of those details.

 

Alls I know is almost every trip…this is starting at a certain time in a kid’s life. If you consume enough media like I did and my friends, you find out that in The World of Cutlery, there’s a couple different things. Now, this was a time when the idea of samurai and ninjas and kung-fu — to us young people — had this allure and this excitement tied into it, but a bit of forbidden stuff because some of the stuff was…hey, you could get a paper cut from it. You gotta be careful. You could always find in Cutlery…The World of Cutlery — up high out of the reach of children and teens, of course — samurai swords. Now, usually there’s just two of them on a display. Maybe there was a couple others behind glass, and sometimes there was other implements.

 

But those samurai swords…it must have been how Ahab felt looking at the white…to a preteen in this…in the eighties, in The World of Cutlery, you’d gaze upon those samurai swords with a thirst, with a hunger, with a dream to hold one, to be putting down your plastic or your cash, to be of age. We didn’t even ask because we knew…can we hold it? No. Absolutely not. That’s an important part of this story, too. But Boyd was already five steps ahead of us. He said, sure. They walked into the store. The employee started pacing around, and we didn’t…at the moment…we knew it was strange, right? The mall had been closed; there’s still a worker there. But we were so disoriented at this point and Boyd had this just sense of space that…we didn’t quite put everything together. The mall had been closed for years.

 

But Boyd said, how can we help you? The employee went behind the counter and pulled out a box and put the box on the thing. The box was a wooden box. The box lid was open. The box lid was lined with felt and it had a thing. It was a very nice box. What it should have held in it was a very nice implement for cutting. The employee went into this thing…this is a sales pitch but not a salesy-sales pitch, but one based on a popular sales pitch on television at the time, slicing, dicing…cuts through cans. But this was not making fun of it; leaning into it. Well, why would you cut a can and then cut a tomato? He said tomato, not tomato, or tomato or…he said tomato, because Josie giggled. This is the finest knife money can buy…and went into what…it was, I don't know, tied to…I don't know the details.

 

Alls I know is this thing was made to stay sharp. It was made to stay true. The employee went, yeah, sure, there’s a lot of fancy stuff around here with jewels and stuff like this, but this year…now, there was no knife, but the employee’s finger was going into that velvet cushion, pushing in. This knife right here, this is the most valuable thing in this store, sharpest…blah, blah, blah…because it’s useful and it’s expensive. Boyd said, where is it? The employee said, it’s gone. Boyd said, by the way, I’m Boyd. The employee said, I’m Shelly. Boyd said, don't worry, Shelly; we’re gonna help you get your knife back. Shelly said, good. Boyd said, where’s the knife? Shelly said, someone took it. Boyd, though, knew a little bit something different was going on here, but Boyd said, how long ago? Shelly said, not that long ago.

 

Not that long before you got here. You didn’t take it, did you? You’re not with them, are you? Boyd said, no, Shelly. We’re here to help you. You asked for help; we’re gonna help. Boyd said, why didn’t…? Something to the effect of…I think what happened was…I’m trying to think now. This part’s missing a little bit. So, Boyd said, well, what happened? Tell me what happened. Shelly said, well, I don't quite know. I’ve been sitting here for a while waiting for the mall to open. I guess I fell asleep at my post. Then I heard it, a rustling…something. Then I looked up and it looked like toilet paper or something, somebody toilet-papered a tree, and it was going out the same door you came in and had taken the knife. They had taken the knife. Boyd said, okay, why didn’t you go after them?

 

Shelly said, it’s the weirdest thing; I can’t leave this store ‘til the mall opens. Then Boyd said, okay, so you’re waiting fo the mall…do you have the key to the front gate, Shelly? Shelly said, I do, right here, ready for when the mall opens. Boyd said, you can't leave, but you could open the front gate for us? Shelly said, I’d be happy to. If you get the knife back, I’d be happy to open the front gate for you. Boyd said, that sounds like a pretty good deal. Then I felt a elbow in my side. It was Santos’ elbow, San. Said, the samurai swords. Could we get the samurai swords, too? Shelly said, samurai swords…open the gate…as long as you get this thing back…it’s the most valuable thing in the store. I need it back. Yeah, I’ll give you the swords. That’s fine. I got some new ones in the back in the box. I’ll give them to you.

 

Then Boyd said, okay, so the last time you saw this person who took the knife, they were going back out the door we went in. Did it sound like they needed to use the restroom? Shelly said, I don't know. Then Boyd said, Shelly, what happens when you try to leave the store? Shelly said, I just…I can't. I know I can’t leave the store, not ‘til the mall opens. It’s a fact. Boyd said, okay. Shelly, why don’t you sit down? My friends and I, we’re gonna help you and we’re gonna find this piece of valuable equipment, cutlery, and we’re gonna bring it back to you. We’re gonna put it back in this box for you, even, if you want. We’ll track it down. So, we’ll be back, and you’ll open the gate for us; you give us the swords, I guess, too. Then Boyd looked back at San and gave San a look. Samurai swords…and Boyd said, we’ll get it all figured out.

 

Does that sound good, Shelly? Shelly said, yes. Boyd said, now, my friends here, we want to make sure that…if there’s any safety patrol people here looking around. Have you seen any safety patrol people, Shelly? Shelly said, no, I’ve been…I don't know. I’m waiting for the mall to open. Boyd said, okay, okay, but I want you to remember, Shelly. If we do run into any safety patrol people…remember us, right? Josie, Santos, Wyatt, and Boyd. We’re here helping you, right? You asked us to help you, so that’s why we’re here. So, if there’s any confusion about that at any point from here on forward, that’s why we’re here. You understand, Shelly? Because we found ourselves in the mall here and we’re gonna find our way back out, but just in case…in the meantime…do you catch my drift, Shelly?

 

‘Cause we really are here to help you. Shelly said, drift caught. Don't worry. You’re helping me. You’re doing me a favor. I asked for your help. I can’t leave the store. I needed someone to help me; couldn’t get any help anywhere else. You came to my rescue. Boyd said, terrific. Let’s go. We’ll see you, Shelly, in a bit. Then we headed back out of the store into the back room, and to say our resistance to Boyd’s idea was high would be an understatement. To say we were expressing the idea that we should leave the mall immediately, open the door, listen for trouble, get outta there, was strong. But you don’t go to high school with the name the Corncob Kid in a set of overalls most of the time and not develop an ability to be nearly unshakable like Boyd could be. Boyd said, hey, hey, hey, Shelly’s gonna cover for us.

 

We’re here to help Shelly. Shelly needs our help, and then we’ll go over to Julius J Juice, we’ll get this thing, and we’ll get the cans of juice and we’ll be done. This is just a little side trip, a little adventure. Then we said, well, what about the person in the…what about the person…what if…? Boyd said, can't you tell something strange is going on here? We said, yeah, yeah, yeah. Boyd said, we’ll go look in the restroom. Shelly probably was using the restroom, put it down…I don't know, it fell out of Shelly’s pocket or something. We’ll pick it up; we’ll bring it back. Shelly was the one using the restroom. Shelly has the keys…went in the front of the store and then came out the back. If it’s somebody else, it’s somebody else, but I don't think it is. So, let’s go in there.

 

So, we open the door and we go back into the back hall of the mall, the service corridor. We head towards the restroom where we had heard some noises of effort earlier. It was dark, you know. We had some lights; we had them off, but we felt somewhat comfortable. So, then we didn’t hear anything. An important point. No more groans or anything like that. So confident that I had decided to take the lead because I didn’t have a light, and pushed the door open slowly, quietly. We didn’t hear anything. There was some stuff on the floor, paper towels or something. I don't know. Then we pushed it open more and listened. No sound, nothing. Then we slowly went into the restroom, right? We started to look around.

 

Then Boyd turned…and then it was really bright because Boyd turned on…say, oh man, it’s too bright, too bright. But Boyd started flashing the flashlight around. There’s…I don't know, there’s stuff on the floor. The bathroom was messy but not gross, and there was a stall door open. There was, again, this…it was like tatters or ripped…old, ripped clothes or something. We’re looking for the cutlery, right, to return it to The World of Cutlery. There’s nothing there, but then in the stall, among the little tatters of clothing, is a…something you would give a dog as a treat. Josie’s like, is there a pet store in here? Like, why…? That’s like, give a dog a bone. We said, yeah, that’s weird, but probably there is a pet store.

 

Or, no, no, there’s those…this is probably from one of those…could be from Spence’s Shop of Gifts or one of those fancier stores. I think it’s for anatomic…it’s a piece of anatomical decoration, not for dogs. Then we were like, oh yeah, yeah, it’s like a piece of anatomical decoration, not for dogs. Looks like it’s for the shin. Then of course, San had to pick it up and use it like a samurai sword, and then it was a bit slap-sticky for a while because it was slipping on the…whatever was on the ground. I said, wait a second, this stuff on the ground was outside the door, too. Boyd said, yeah, let’s follow the…maybe somebody’s cutting up t-shirts or something? We were on the scent like a dog who had gotten a piece of anatomical decoration from a shin, and then we started passing it around 'cause it really was nice and smooth and shiny.

 

High quality, polished. It was cool to hold in your hand and try to do…just juggle it. We found some more tatters of clothes on the floor, like a white t-shirt that had been out in the rain or something like that, just little scraps every few…you know, every five, six, ten yards. We started to follow. We didn’t hear anything for a while. The last junction in the corridor, the service corridor, it swung to the left into the mall. There was a set of double doors, and that’s where the last piece of clothes…dirty t-shirt or whatever was. So, we went to those doors, and they were swinging double doors, and we opened those doors slowly.

 

Then we could hear it in the distance, some sort of sound in the mall, some sort of…something like…more like a cat going through a trashcan or something type sound, but the cat was kinda muttering to itself in a human voice. We listened and Boyd held up a finger. Yeah, it was only one voice. We crouched down and we headed…and then we saw…we were behind one of the fountains which was a raised tile fountain, the same tile as the floor. It was off at this time, and it had lights that could change colors and stuff like that…used…divided the mall and the traffic of the mall. But on the other side of the fountain was a place called Hickory Dickory Farms. It was a store…again, you may think this is a wild time to be alive.

 

It was a store that sold cheese and summer sausage, salamis, pepperonis, spreads, crackers, all store-brand, too, mostly for gifts and gift baskets. Hickory Dickory Farms, it was called. There we could see one of the coolers; they had a lot of coolers to keep the cheese and meats cold. There was something in the cooler, right? Something…a person going through things in the cooler, muttering to themselves. Then we saw them hold up one of these…one of the things they were known for, the giant summer sausages, some of which were the same size as a toddler; four feet, five feet. This one was about, I don't know, three or four feet. We see it waving the summer sausage, but this summer sausage was years and years old. I think they’re already air-dried and stuff, so it was just a little shriveled up, but it was still long.

 

It’s just a little knotted like a piece of…what is that? Gnarled like a piece of wood. We looked at each other and Josie did a circular thing. Like, ‘this is weird’ kinda thing. I said, okay, I got an idea. Then San said, look…and in the other hand which we saw briefly, a flash of it…again, it’s pretty dark in this mall. We saw the shine — 'cause the skylights and the moonlight coming through — of what looked like a piece of cutlery, a piece of nice, nice cutlery. We said, that’s it. Then again we said, let’s get outta here. But at this point we had kinda…we had crossed the threshold, at least Boyd and I had, and I shook my head. I said, we just gotta be careful. Boyd was looking around and we noticed there was a scaffolding in front of one of the stores that had closed down. I don't know what the store…called…it was called Lefue.

 

There was scaffolding on the outside where they were looking…taking down the neon sign that said Leflue or whatever. They were doing some painting, so there was…what do they call those? Tarps, painters’ cloth. Drop cloth, they’re called. Boyd grabbed up the drop cloth really quiet and then made a thing like, we’ll throw it over the person and we’ll take…we’ll ask for the cutlery politely back and go back…is kind of what we agreed to in a non-verbal manner. So, we did that, right? We threw the drop cloth…it was…snuck really quietly. The person was still muttering and saying, well, I just need to fit this here. We were like, this person’s probably not well. At least, that’s what I was thinking to myself. Maybe they live here in the mall. I hope they’re not gonna eat the summer sausage 'cause it’s probably over seven years old.

 

Maybe they’re gonna use it to cut up the summer sausage. I was not projecting any ill intent on this person at all. I said, well, this will probably be pretty easy, especially with the element of surprise. So, we threw the drop cloth over the cooler, and again, there was a outline of a person there in a cooler…a old cooler full of stuff, some of which smelled like cheese that had been dried out but still had a slight pungency to it. Years earlier it wouldn’t have been pleasant at all. The person made a surprised sound, but their first instinct was to actually drop the piece of cutlery, and it fell outside of the cooler…and they dropped the summer sausage. San was holding the piece of anatomical decoration, and Josie grabbed the piece of summer sausage like a samurai sword, too. Boyd and I were holding the drop cloth down, you know.

 

They were just making kind of an unintelligible noise. We said, don't worry, don't worry; we’re just taking this back to its proper owner. You took it without permission. We’re gonna bring it back. We’re officials. We’re officially here, so we’d ask that you please return…please exit the mall as soon as possible…and we’re gonna leave you here under the drop cloth, and we’re gonna leave, and we expect you to leave the mall. We’re authority figures on safety patrol. It’s after dark. You should probably get going, but we’re gonna return this. Josie said, I’m taking this summer sausage for good measure, and tapped the side of the cooler. We started playing a role, right? We were into it because they had kinda stopped moving. They were just listening.

 

We said, you understand? Please exit to the nearest…take the nearest exit or exit where you came in, and we can forget about this whole thing. We were also…I was looking around, making sure…is there any other movement here right now, anyone hearing us? But they just laid there. But they were kinda making this sad groaning sound, which I find…kinda felt bad about, right? But we didn’t do anything. We said, we’re just gonna leave the cloth and you exit the mall. Then we…as soon as we got two feet away, we ran as fast as we could back through the double doors and then into Cutlery…The World of Cutlery, right? Our breaths were panting.

 

We got back into The World of Cutlery and then we went through…we closed the door, locked the door, the employee door into the back storeroom, went into the store…and then kinda sitting in a darkened corner was Shelly. Boyd handed it to me, the piece of cutlery. I put it back in the case. I said, Shelly, we got your cutlery back. Shelly kinda was again in a revere…whatever you call that, a fugue-like state. Shelly said, oh, thank you. Thank you so much. They still haven’t opened the mall yet though, huh? Boyd said, no, no, but we helped you just like we said, Shelly. Shelly said, yeah, yeah, don't worry; not only do I have the samurai swords for two of you, I have two other things I want to give you.

 

I noticed…I get an employee discount and we get to try stuff out, so…these are samplers, anyway…and handed the samurai swords to San and Josie. Then Shelly took out what was a Finnish safety cutlery device, utility cutlery device, and it had all this stuff; you can open wine, you can brush your teeth, you could pick your…you know, you can…all the…tweeze things. Shelly gave that to Boyd, Finnish safety cutlery. For me, Shelly said, this is the newest thing. Unfortunately I don't think The World of Cutlery is gonna make it ‘til this comes out. But Shelly said, this is a multi-cutlery. I said, a multi-cutlery? Shelly said, yeah, it’s got pliers…it’s kinda like that thing I…I said, actually, could I have that thing from the movie with the…with Rocky? Do you have one of those with a compass?

 

Shelly said, yeah, I’ll give you one of those, too. That’s for…adventuring cutlery. That’s in our adventuring department. But trust me, you want this, too, with the pliers. So, we got a bunch of free cutlery. I said to myself, holy cow, this multi-cutlery thing, I could probably sell this or something. This is some sort of cutting-edge piece of equipment. Then Shelly said, here’s the keys. Why don’t you open up the door? Go ahead. You just turn it to the left and it’ll open up. Boyd started to open up the gate, and we watched the gate go up. It made a little bit of a clanging, right? Now, the thing was this gate had…not just the gate but acrylic on the gate, which I kinda guessed…I didn’t realize until the clanging stopped, because as Boyd stopped the key and pulled the key out, we turned around and Shelly wasn’t there anymore.

 

We assumed Shelly maybe went into the back storeroom or used the restroom. We said, Shelly? Shelly? Shelly? No answer. Boyd said, Shelly, we’re leaving the keys here on the counter for you. But as soon as Boyd stopped talking, we could hear some sounds from the person in the Hickory Dickory Farms cooler. They were kind of…they seemed very upset but not…like in a sad way. Again, 'cause there was nothing intimidating about them and now we had a bunch of cutlery, we…and also we had to get to Doctor Julius J Juice, which meant we had to pass the Hickory Dickory Farms anyway, we headed in that direction.

 

Josie was first because Josie now had a samurai sword and a summer sausage, and Boyd had a piece of…or, not Boyd; San had that anatomical equipment. But as we got closer we saw that the person still had the drop cloth on them, but they were crawling along the floor away from Hickory Dickory Farms. They were groaning and kinda weeping, and we all felt bad, but Josie was like, quiet, quiet, quiet, but she was saying it in a much louder way. Quiet, quiet, quiet. Josie said, if you don’t be quiet now, I’m gonna…we’re gonna have to…and then San ran up behind Josie and grabbed the drop cloth and pulled it back. At this point I’ll just tell you what our theory became as we saw what was…who was underneath the drop cloth.

 

It was very…it was a pleasant surprise, I’ll just say, because it created a theory which we immediately had to go to to maintain some sense of semblance, because for a while we just stared. They were asking for help kinda in a sad way. But as we observed them…after a long moment of silence while they were muttering, we came to the conclusion that we were participating…and this made sense with Shelly…that this was some sort of immersive theatre. We kinda came up with the idea quickly together. We took about three steps back from this…what we’ll call a mummy. A mommy, right? A cloth-wrapped being in a deteriorated state, though, because they had been losing cloth and parts.

 

We had come to the conclusion that that’s clearly a puppet with a speaker in it, an animatronic like they had at Disneyland and stuff like that, some sort of advanced entertainment device made of anatomical pieces, that Shelly was an actress, and the reason there was fencing around the mall was because this was this immerse…this new kind of theatre that was popping up in places; very expensive, sometime involved with…you’re a part of the theatre. You’re participating in the theatre. Our biggest challenge was…oh, okay, this does make sense. That’s why you’d have fencing. That’s why Shelly…this is some sort of theatre adventure, some sort of super-creative…our main thing was that whoa, this is probably pretty expensive and now they’re gonna ask us to pay when we’re done.

 

But Boyd floated the idea…no, no, this is…we saw the posters. This is probably a test run. So, they’re lucky. Maybe their other customers didn’t show up or something. They would let us know. Also by saying this out loud, we’re letting whoever’s watching know. All of a sudden this became…we were part of the coolest experiment and experience we had ever been a part of, and also we said, Boyd…but you’re not a part of the theatre, right? Boyd said, of course not, which we didn’t believe, right? So, I think part of us even had this suspension of disbelief that probably Boyd was part of this and the whole thing. But I said, is the Julius…if the Julius Juice isn’t real, Boyd, please tell me there’s gonna be another way I can pay for school, like working at this.

 

Boyd said, I’m not a part of the theatre and the juice is really. Julius J Juice concentrate is waiting for us, so let’s keep this thing going. So, we returned to this puppet, this anatomical puppet, in…wrapped in swaddling, and we said, hey, what’s wrong? It said, why’d you throw that on me? We said, you took a piece of cutlery without permission from Shelly’s…The World of Cutlery. It said, I was trying to fix things. A little bit like a sadder version of Eyore; I was trying to fix things. We said, well, you can't take things without permission. What did you need to fix? It said, can't you see? I’m falling apart. I’m falling to pieces. I mean, we were amazed at the level of technology that was happening. We said, well, what can we do to help? It said, help put me back together so I can get back home.

 

Then San said, well, I have a piece right here. Then Josie said, you were gonna use this as another piece, huh? Suddenly the puppet perked up, or the animatronic. It said, yeah, yeah. Again, we said, wow, this is so cool. We were looking around but we figured with double mirrors or whatever, we wouldn’t see who was running things. We said, well, we’ll help you. It said, well, I need to get put back together. ‘Cause we realized anatomically it needed that shin thing that Josie…San had, and a thigh that the summer sausage could replace, as well as losing a lot of cloth-based mass. We said, well, what if we put you in this…? We could carry you in the drop cloth. Then someone said, like a baby to your mommy, which we all had a laugh at. It didn’t get it though, 'cause it was just a animatronic, right?

 

It probably had limited…I don't know if they were using a walkie-talkie. Or at the time, I didn’t know. So, we said, I don't…we’ll help you. Then it said, well, I need to get put back together. We said, okay, we could go to where we buy candy and soda before the movies, QuickScripts, formally known as Faye's, but we’ll just call it Faye's for now. Then we said, we could go…and so, we said, okay, we’ll bring you…we’ll go…we’ll head towards Faye's, which wasn’t that far down. Faye's was like…it had all the stuff you needed if you were feeling under the weather, you needed a Band-Aid, shampoo. So, we bundle up this animatronic puppet that somehow was…we were very careful. We said, get in there yourself.

 

We don’t want to break you, 'cause this probably costs more than going to university would, and then we headed off to Faye's. But that’s probably a good place to stop for now because it felt like as soon as we lifted this thing up, it fell right to sleep anyway, or went into some deactivated mode. Oh boy, did it feel like we were on an adventure but that all would be well, because it was exciting at this time. Yeah, and maybe you could get some rest until we get to the next part of my tale. Goodnight, everybody.

 

[END OF RECORDING]

(Transcription performed by LeahTranscribes)