1180 – Keeping You Company | All Intros 879-883

Episode 1180 – Keeping You Company | All Intros 879 – 883

 

[START OF RECORDING]

 

SCOOTER: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and friends beyond the binary, allow me to introduce myself by repeating myself and repeating the fact that you deserve a good night’s sleep, and that’s what I’m here for. Alright everybody, this episode here is a all-intro episode coming up here, and we play these…it’s a compilation of five intros all strung together. These come out around long weekends here in the US. I know things are a little bit different, but this is kinda what allows me to catch up on work and have a little space, and it’s just a fan favorite, so much so that $10-and-up patrons get two all-intro episodes a month. So, if you really love all intros, you could check that out. But yeah, I’ll just be kinda repeating the same thing in a very different way each time, over and over. I so appreciate that I get to make this podcast for you twice a week and have these fun little breaks we could take. Yeah, 'cause I couldn’t do it with…if you weren’t falling asleep or enjoying the show…that’s why I make it. Thanks so much.

 

INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake. So, if thoughts are keeping you up about the past, the present, or future, feelings, any emotions coming up for you, physical sensations, changes in schedule, time, routine, malaise…whatever is keeping you awake, I’ve got a safe place here. I’m smoothing it, I’m patting it, I’m rubbing it down, I’m saying safe place. I got it cleared out, signed, sealed, delivered safe place.

 

The way I’m gonna get it to you is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents. So, I’m gonna go off…a lot of nonsense, partial words, smushed words. All those things, I’m gonna send those to you across the deep, dark night, and to keep you company and to take your mind off of stuff, mostly. So, if you’re new, a few pieces of information. One, this podcast does not work for everybody, but for most people that become regular listeners, it takes two or three tries before you say, wait a second, this podcast never made any sense. So, that’s one thing. The second thing is…that goes along with it is this isn’t really a podcast you listen to or pay attention to…or you say, okay, when’s it gonna get started?

 

When’s this thing getting off the ground with the bedtime stories and the putting me to sleep? I say, well, we got pointless meanders to get to first, and going off topic and…pregnant pauses. I have to…these pauses aren’t gonna…these pauses didn’t get pregnant on their own. I had to do…I had…it takes a little bit of work. I’m one of those few people that can impregnate a pause with my natural charisma. It’s the only place that my…this particular form of charisma comes in handy, is with pauses, but…oh boy. Yep, it just…you say, well, Scoots, those actually aren’t pregnant pauses, because usually…it’s supposed to be pregnant with meaning. I say, well, mine are pregnant with lulling, soothing tones, and pointless meanders, maybe. So…oh, so this is a podcast you kinda look at in a fuzzy way or an out-of-focus way or just barely listen.

 

Those are the best ways to listen to…consume the podcast. So, this is a podcast you don’t really need to listen to; that’s one. But really, this is also the one sleep podcast that’s…a sleep podcast that’s been around since 2013, and it doesn’t put you to sleep. So, I’m the one sleep podcast that’s not really here to put you to sleep. I’m here to keep you company as you drift off or during the day, which is more and more popular right now for a little break. Or if you wake up in the middle of the night or if you can’t sleep, I’m gonna be here. Believe me, I know the listeners that can’t sleep or need a break during the day, and I’m here for you. These episodes are complete. I’m here…complete nonsense, but I’m…complete as well, and I’ll be here to the very end to keep you company.

 

In some sense, that’s what works, is that you can sleep sound knowing you don’t need to pay attention but that I’m here to keep you company. But if you’re on the other side of it and you can’t sleep, I’m here to keep you company, too. So, it’s like a double bonus. So, okay, those are two of the things. The other thing that throws new people off about the show is the structure, and the structure actually is…was designed over three…the first 300 episodes it took to kinda get the structure down to where it is today, and maybe another 150 to where…the full-on structure. But so, it can throw people off. So, the show starts off with the greeting; ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and friends beyond the binary. What up? Time for me to goof around. Then there’s business, which is essential for regular listeners.

 

New listeners…not super important. But that’s my favorite part, is that the podcast is free and accessible to anybody. Well, not…accessible might be…anybody it might work for. ‘Cause you say, this is not…it’s like trying to get through a wall of marmalade or something. It’s not very accessible. It’s like trying to find one Lego in a tub of pudding. I’d say, wow, you really know how to make up analogies that work well in a sleep podcast. You say, well, thank you. So…oh, structure of the show. So, it starts off with business, or…greeting, business…the business throws some people off, and then the intro throws off other people. So, this is the thing; this podcast is not for everybody, but if you’re skeptical or doubtful, just give it a few tries.

 

There’s nothing to lose here other than a little bit of time, and yeah, I’m not…my…I’m not everybody’s cup of tea. But structurally, I just want to give you some info, 'cause that can throw people off unnecessarily. So, the show, like I said, it never…it barely ever gets started. It does get started, but it just kinda putters along. So, the intro is the starting of the show. It’s the first twenty minutes of the show, which is about one-third of the podcast with the greeting, the business, and then the intro. For the new listener, it kinda…the intro introduces you to the podcast, gives you a general idea of the…what to expect, which is…yeah, you say, well, it’s not bad. It is like watching someone search for a Lego in a giant tub of pudding. In this case, they were searching for that Lego soccer ball in a tub of tapioca pudding, so it was not going well.

 

Oh, so…but the intro…the real thing about the intro is it introduces new people to the podcast, but for regular listeners, why the intro…so, the intro’s like, twelve to eighteen minutes, combined with the rest of the show; twenty minutes, and for a regular listener, it’s their wind-down, and their easing into bedtime. Easy like a Sunday morning, as the L Train used to sing, easy and drawn-out like…not…like a Sunday morning where you say, okay, it’s still 11:00; on a Sunday, can still consider that kinda morning. That’s why they invented brunch, maybe. So, a lot of listeners…like, 2% of listeners start the show at twenty minutes, then a large chunk of 5,000 people support the show on Patreon, and they might listen to story-only episodes or the Patreon releases.

 

But then the rest of the listeners, a few hundred thousand people, they listen to the show…some of them start it before they get into bed, and some of them start it right when they get into bed, and it helps give you a runway. Right? Like, ease you off into bedtime, because for most of us that have trouble sleeping, it’s not something that happens instantaneously. So, the intro helps the day fade away, and you could do it with other bedtime routines like foam-rolling or folding. Maybe you do some origami. Maybe you’re doing some doodling or petting those sweet, sweet pets that continue to tip me when I say there’s nothing better to do right now than to pet some pets or blow kisses to your fish tank or wink at your fishes or other…wink at your terrariums right now, and flex your bicep.

 

Even if you don’t have a terrarium, flex your bicep and kiss it just in case a terrarium somewhere in the universe needs to watch a human kiss their bicep or their shoulder…to make them feel good. They say, oh boy, if it wasn’t for that human kissing their bicep in a goofy way…I don't know how…being in this terrarium…I mean, it’s not bad, but that makes…this…that makes it grand. It gives me something to look forward to every night, which is the goal of the show. You say, people look forward to this? I say, well, kind of. So, if you’re new, kinda just start listening and then kinda see how it goes. Then you could say, well, I’m gonna be one of those 2% that start the show at twenty minutes and then just get closer to the story. Or you say, well, I like to start it before I get in bed.

 

I brush my teeth…I can’t really hear you while I’m brushing my teeth, but it’s not like…I’d say, yeah, that might work for you. So, the main thing is that the podcast…if you become a regular listener, that it becomes some part of some nice routine at bedtime you could look forward to. You say, well, Sleep With Me is one part of that. Petting the pets and kissing biceps is probably…that’s the keystone habit. Maybe that could be our keystone habit, or kissing your shoulders. Like, if you need self-soothing…a lot of people that listen a long time, they know this is a powerful technique I’ve invented. So, kiss…when you need a little silliness, that’s when you kiss the bicep. If you need double, you kiss your…both your biceps. If you need even more silliness, you smooch your bicep loudly.

 

If you need something more gentle and self-soothing, you just kiss your shoulder. You could kiss it through your clothing or you could lower your t-shirt or whatever. You say, hey, you’re doing a good job, shoulder. I’m just giving you a little kiss. Or you could do something like…fake European and kiss both your shoulders and say, wa-wa-woo or mon ami. So, those are all things you could do. Maybe those would be…those could be all part of a keystone habit. I guess that’s not one thing. But you’d say…you can’t say self-kiss…Sleep With Me and self-kissing, the habit that makes sleep possible. But it would be true. It would just get a lot of odd looks, especially if you were telling people…you’d say, which part…which…how would you describe your sleep routine in two words?

 

You say, well, thanks, Oprah, for having me on, but I only get two words? Yep. Just tell me…oh, bicep-kissing is…that’s the secret to sleep. But also kissing your shoulders if necessary, and then the Sleep With Me pod…thanks. Oh, thanks for having me on. I didn’t get to the part where I plugged my podcast. At least I plugged…I don't know if she understood when I said bicep-kissing, either. So…and, oh, now they have somebody with…that’s a expert on habits that’s contradicting what I said. Well, that’s fine, because we all know the power of kissing a bicep towards an imaginary terrarium. We found the secrets; we just…and we don’t even keep them secret. Just, people don’t…it doesn’t make any sense to most people, right? They say, what is he…?

 

This is a conversation…so, sometimes we have couples that listen together, then other times we have couples that have a friendly relationship around the podcast. One member of the couple listens — or the partnership — and the other is like, well, that’s great that Scoots can help you sleep. Then we have a lightly-antagonistic couple…that someone sleeps through the podcast and the other person has light antagonistic feelings towards me. Those are the people that say, what…does he tell you to kiss your shoulders or your…? What are you…? We don’t have a terrarium. But why are you kissing…? What kind of podcast is that? He tells you to kiss your shoulders. I’d say, buddy, if you were kissing the right shoulders…if you were setting up…doing the chores and not falling asleep so fast and snoring so loud, you might be kissing some shoulders.

 

Sorry, I guess I got…I had to talk back to that. But I say, yeah, it’s just something fun and nice to do, and our imaginary friends in our terrariums or aquariums…even the other pets…I mean, the other pets would say, enough with the bicep-kissing. Could you just pet me again? By the way, pets, you could become patrons, too. You just figure it out. I don't know how to do it, but figure it out. You’re mildly intelligent or unbelievably intelligent. I was just kidding there. I put that in for your humans’ sake so they don’t know about the deal we worked out. So, okay, so circle back…oh, so the structure…I was trying to tell you about how the structure can…the intro can go on and on and on and go nowhere to help be a part of your bedtime routine. So, I think we demonstrated that.

 

Then after the intro is some business, then after the business is our bedtime story. Tonight it’ll be the final…or the…well, the series finale of…it’ll be the series finale of our episodically modular series, Get Besos, Season 3, the Z Biff season, though we’ll also have a recap episode, so don’t worry. So, that’s the structure of the show. I guess that’s it. I mean, I hope I…you give this show a few tries. The reason I make the podcast is because I believe you do deserve a good night’s sleep and a place of solace, and that the world will be a better place when your world’s a better place, when you’re rested and you can enjoy it a little more, and you can have a little bit more rest to cope and deal with stuff. That brings me happiness knowing you’re getting some rest or that you’re not dreading bedtime.

 

That brings me joy, actually, when I hear from people that say, I don't dread bedtime anymore. I more look at it as an opportunity to kiss my biceps. Then I listen to your podcast, 'cause the keystone habit is really the kissing of the biceps. So, somebody remind me that if I haven’t started doing that. The Sleep With Me method. But I think other people have…then I…well, I say, well, I have the shoulder-kissing, also the imaginary terrarium, which other people that kiss their biceps, they don’t have either one of those…and the sound effects are important. So anyway, I’m glad you’re here. Like I said, give the show a few tries. Kinda see how it goes. I really hope I can help you. I’m really glad you came by and gave me your time. I work very hard. I yearn and I strive, and I really hope I can help you fall asleep, and here’s a few ways we’re able to bring you this podcast for free.

 

Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place…aside…a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake. Whether it’s thoughts, stuff you’re thinking of, like what is this guy talking about, or what happened, Scoots? Got a little early mix-up there.

 

So, thoughts, feelings, it could be emotions, could be about…could be past, present, or future-related, physical sensations, anything going on with your body…whatever it is, changes in schedule, travel, partners…whatever’s keeping you awake, I’d like to help with that, and what I’m gonna do is…I have this beautiful safe place…oh, no a beautiful or mundane safe place set aside. Oh yeah, what…oh, what’s your favorite kind of architecture? Okay, well, this is influenced by that, believe it or not, this safe place. Totally influenced by that…oh, it’s not an era; it’s a style. Well, it was vaguely influenced by that, and it’s both…you’re right; it’s both mundane…what’s the one where it’s kinda like…yeah, it’s totally like that. I keep getting the word ‘parsing’ put in there, and I don't know why that’s coming in.

 

It doesn’t have anything to do with the style of the safe place. But I’ll tell you what; I got a safe place set aside for you. Plenty of room, plenty of privacy, or…there’s communal areas and private areas. So, it makes it a safe place, and it’s very…it’s solid and malleable, of course. Then what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night, I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless and rustified meanders, superfluous tangents. You might say, Scoots, what is a superfluous tangent? I’d say, well, sometimes you say, could this use one more tangent? Then I say, what’s that tangent over there? You say, well, are you gonna put the extra tangents into the stone soup? I’d say, well, how about I carry the stone soup…I think I’m gonna do…carry the stone soup. That’s my thing, is I carry it.

 

It mixes it a bit. I’m just gonna take it on a extra…I’m just gonna go 400 steps in this…down this path. I don't know where the path goes, but I’ll probably be back in 400 steps or some number of steps, eventually. I realize that you don’t feel like the soup needs that. Oh, wait, it’s a metaphor? Stone soup’s a metaphor. Holy mackerel. So, I’m just…you just lightened my load, because I’m walking around with a metaphor inside a metaphor. It’s like walking around with a cloud. Holy mackerel. You know what it makes me think of, is another…I’m trying to think of another superfluous tangent that I could come up with there within that, ‘cause I think about…superfluous makes me think of zuberfluous, which would be a nonsensical word version of superfluous, but it’s pretty nice on the ears.

 

Another thing you could say to help you relax or during the day…an inside joke for yourself; you say, zuberfluous. Okay, and then you’d say, Scoots, could you spell that for me? Zuperfluous. Okay, let me try to spell super…superfluous, right? Super; S-U-P-E-R. Superfluous. It’s probably harder than it looks in my brain, and it looks like spaghetti al dente. Let’s just say it’s F-L-O-U-S or something. Superfluous…zuberfluous. Oh, I changed the word already. Zuberfluous. Zuber; Z-U-B-E-R. Zuberv…maybe it needs an I…a V…well, let’s just decide to work…let’s just say it’s a word without spelling. Zuberfluous. Okay, but this is the Script Selling…oh, I thought this was…that was my book I’m working on; Selling to the Script Spelling Bee. Inventing words to be spelled. My lifetime’s work.

 

Also, the original title, Zuberfluous, or Superfluous or Zuberfluous. Oh, sorry, that was a…there was an accidental superfluous tangent in there, because usually I try to bring it back for new listeners. Superfluous tangents, basically a whole lot of nonsense, and what it is is…if you’re new, I’m glad you’re here. This is a podcast to take your mind off of stuff, to keep you company as you fall asleep, or if you’re use…repurposing this podcast as you study or chill or try to relax, or just to take your mind off of stuff and keep you company, basically. If you’re new, again, I’m glad you’re here. If you’re skeptical, why wouldn’t you be? I mean, here I am…maybe I’ll stock…I remember there was pants in the…I think it was in the nineties, maybe. They were called Zuba pants.

 

I’m not sure if they were the same pants that were like Zebra pants, but NFL teams…in NFL team colors or if it was something else. But I remember there was these things called Zuba pants. I really don’t know anything more other than I loved that name. I think they were the nineties version of dad jeans. You’d say, what does a suburbanite dude wear on the weekends when they’re sporting around and saying, hey, sporto, what are you doing later? Grilling after I mow the lawn, sporto. Oh, yeah? What are you wearing? Oh, sporto, that…this has already devolved into another superfluous tangent. You know, I’m wearing those Zuba pants you gave me. Oh, that’s right. Thanks. I’ll talk to you…enjoy the mowing of the lawn and the sporting around. Okay. Oh, Zuba pants…what was I…? Oh, so, this podcast is nonsensical.

 

I honestly have no idea where those Zuba pants came from, honey. It wasn’t sporto that gave them to me. I think you did. You’ve always been…you’ve always felt strongly about the pants my friends give me. These are the pants I love. I just love sitting around in my Zuba pants, and I just…actually, I just like saying Zuba pants, and I’ll have to google it later to know what they even are. But what Scoots was saying was that he’s glad that new listeners are here. He’s there to try to help them. Oh, so, structurally what to expect…a little late for that, but I’ll still set it up for you, put you at ease. Show starts off with a few minutes of business. That’s how we’re able to keep the podcast free, a podcast that takes hundreds and hundreds of hours every month to craft. We’re able to keep it free instead of behind a pay wall.

 

You say, really, you craft this thing? I say, yep, believe it or not. I’m only laughing because I know you’re laughing and because it’s true. But so…and because it’s ridiculously true. But so…oh, so, there’s business, then there’s an intro. For some new listeners, the intro can kinda throw you off. It’s kinda just like…I don't even know what it is. It’s a little bit like recess, at the start of…you say, okay, so you start your podcast out and then you have recess. I say, well, a recessing sensibility where you could wind down, or like at recess…I guess for kids, they run around. It’s the opposite for kids, but…so, where you can unwind and ease into bedtime. So, the intro is where I try to explain what the podcast is. It takes me twelve to eighteen minutes, and I go off-topic.

 

You could either listen to that as you’re getting ready for bed or as you’re in bed or while…more and more…now, school’s in session and university and stuff like that. People study to this or code to this, or a few people, paint-drying hobbyists, watch paint dry. Maybe the bespoke Zuba pants maker is stitching away on the new Zubas for 2020. Nubas, the Zuba pants that are new. New Zubas. Okay, so, there’s a intro, then there’s business, then there’s a bedtime story. Tonight will be a recap of a Star Trek: The Next Generation episode, and what it…what that entails is if you’ve never seen it or you’re…you don’t watch Star Trek or you’re unfamiliar, I’ll be talking about it in a way that you won't need to have watched it before. Or if you have, you’ll say, Scoots, did that really happen? You’d say, what in the Tasha Yar are you…?

 

Are you spinning a Tasha yarn? I’d say, Natasha Yarn, that was actually…that’s the real name of Noir Chardonnay. When I pretend I’m Noir Chardonnay undercover, that’s my real name. Also, if you ever want to find me in a hotel, remind me to check in as Natasha Yar, not Tash…it’s different, but a little bit closer. Yeah, believe me, I’ll be wearing Zuba pants. Thanks for that question. So, there’s an intro, then I’ll talk about Star Trek: The Next Generation, a specific episode, for about forty-five minutes. This will be the second of a two-part episode, Redemption. I hope that’s what it’s titled. Then there’s some thank-yous at the end. So, that’s the structure of the show. The podcast is about an hour long. It’s also a podcast you don’t need to listen to. You can kinda list…you can listen.

 

I’m gonna be here to the very end to keep you company if you can’t sleep, but there’s no pressure to listen on your end. You don’t need to. You might miss some stuff, but you also…you say, how many times can a person say Zuba pants in a intro that’s…? I say, is there a Zuba pants podcast? ‘Cause that has good alliteration. It’d be better if it was Zeke’s Zuba…Zeke’s…I can’t even say that. Maybe not Zeke. Zumba in Zuba, a pants…yeah, 'cause it could be…I cover pants used in Zumba classes. Zuba pants, the perfect pants for Zumba. Also, I’m not exactly sure what Zumba is. I’ve just seen ads for it. I think it’s dance exercise, but I’m not positive. But in the case, I’m picturing the Zuba pants are pretty baggy, so they may be good. They’re probably made of cotton, though, so maybe we’ll have to update that.

 

Maybe our friends at Sweat Chicago can help us. We’ll totally corner that market and start a new podcast; Zuba…Zumba Zuba Pants Podcast. So, what…this thing…so, oh, you don’t need to listen. I think that you figured that out, huh? I made that pretty obvious. No pressure to listen, no pressure to fall asleep, either. The show is an hour, so you could fall asleep as you drift off. I’m here to keep you company, to walk at your side, and to be here taking your mind off of stuff, and then you just drift away. So, you have the easy job, but I know it’s not really easy. But I do want you to get comfortable. I do truly believe you do deserve a good night’s sleep, and I can believe that for you, if it’s not easy for you to believe that. I’m here for you 'cause I’ve been there and I know how it feels, and I really want to help.

 

Now, the other side of that is the podcast doesn’t work for everybody, so give it a few tries and see how it goes. But most people, the regular listeners, hundreds of thousands of people I’ve heard from say it takes two or three tries, and then they kinda say, oh, okay, I get it; this pod…I get what he means by superfluous tangent now. It took a little while, but he’s full of it, that Scoots, and he’s still…I bet you right now Scoots is trying to think of another way to shoehorn in Zumba pants. Oh, they’re Zuba pants, but any…maybe I’ll…yeah. They say, oh, both of those are brands, that you can’t use those names, sir.

 

I’d say, well, that’s okay, 'cause I was using a nonsense word about something I already forgot about that just barely sounded like…I don't know if I was saying Zuma phone or something earlier, and your products just came naturally flowing out of there. So, anyway, if you’re new, I’m glad you’re here. If you’re a regular listener, I’m glad you’re back. Huh, aren’t you glad you’re back, listening to this intro, getting cozy, getting a little dose of nonsense? Let me tuck you in there. What do you want me to do with your feet? Okay, you got it. I’m here to help. I appreciate you coming by. I work very hard. I yearn and I strive, and I’d really like to help you fall asleep. Thanks again one more time for coming by, and here’s a few of the ways we keep this podcast free for everybody.

 

Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts, things on your mind that you’re thinking about or that are popping in your head…I call them brain bots. Maybe we’ll talk about those brain bots. We haven’t talked about them too much recently that I remember. But, you know, my brain bots could be distracting me.

 

It could be feelings like emotions coming up for you related to the thoughts or just coming on up their own, or maybe they’ve been there waiting for a cool breeze or some hot air from a podcaster to blow them away or gently soothe them, or just say, well, that breeze is nice; let me just pay attention to that. I’ve never felt a cool breeze of hot air except on Sleep With Me. As cool as a breeze of hot air on the other side of the pillow; Sleep With Me podcast. Or physical sensations…I’m also here to take your mind off of that. Whatever’s keeping you awake…it could be something else. You could work second, third shift, you could be on-call, life…I mean, holy life, if you know what I’m saying. Whatever it is, I’m here to keep you company and to take your mind off of stuff so you can drift off.

 

What I’m gonna do is I got this safe place set aside here. Oh boy, is it nice and cozy. It’s also deliverable. It’s on its way there. You could come over here or I could send it over there, or I’ll meet you in the middle. Whatever works best for you. So, I’m…and the way…one of the ways I do that is I send my voice across the deep, dark night. I use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones. Oh, so creaky, just like, as I was reminded, Raven was…That’s So Raven. My creaky, dulcet tones…so, if my creaky, dulcet tones had multiple-channel…shows on channels for the tween market and they were their own being, they’d…you’d say, okay, so…you’d say, that’s oh, so creaky. What’s that show about, Oh So Creaky? Well, you’d…it’s about a door, a creaky…we tried to get oh, so creaky, dulcet tones, but they said That’s So Raven; three words.

 

I said, oh, so you…this channel only does TV…? I said, oh, well, Pete and Pete, Secret Life…whatever…Sweet Life of whatever…whatever, other shows I can’t remember. Hannah Montana; that’s only two words, actually. I’d say, right; that’s less than four. I say, oh, okay, you got me. So, yeah, I guess I could go with Oh So Creaky. Could with do it about a creaky door that runs a house full of tweens? Adorable…well, some adorable, some more of…a little bit rough around the edges, a family that comes together but also doesn’t always work together, and the door that enables that. It could open…the episode could open with a creaky door opening. Okay, I lost the executives I was on the line with. They’ll get back to me, though, I’m sure. So…oh, creaky, dulcet tones is also what my voice sounds like.

 

Pointless meanders; you got one of those about creaky, dulcet…my creaky, dulcet show. That’s a different show, the Creaky Dulcet Show. That’s more of a personality-driven show. That would be after Oh So Creaky does big. Then they say…at 2:00 PM, check out the Creaky Dulcet Show, where the creaky, dulcet door will be talking to people about things and stuff like that; celebrities, things, maybe…oh, sorry, yeah. So, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents, unnecessary words, confusing tangents, too. So, I’m gonna do all those things to take your mind off of stuff. If you’re new, let me give you a couple pieces of information or try to before I go…as I go off topic once again. So, this podcast doesn’t work for everybody. That’s one thing you need to know.

 

But for most people it works for, you just need to give it a few tries and see how it goes. Or, you don’t need to; you could give it a few tries and see how it goes. That’s what most…I’d say 90% to 95% of listeners say, and there’s people now that have been listening to the show six, seven years, and they commonly say, well, at first I didn’t know what it was and it was a little bit different, and eventually I realized, yeah, I don't know what this is and it’s a little bit different. Perfect for falling asleep to. I didn’t know if I liked creaky, dulcet tones or creaky, dulcet tangents, and then I realized I didn’t really need to like it. I don't know if that’s what ambivalent is, but that’s what we’re shooting for, is how my brain is defining ambivalent.

 

You say, well, yeah, I mean, I’m…oh boy, I listen to Sleep With Me seven nights a week, eight episodes a night, support it, do everything I can. They say, well, how do you really feel about the show? Clearly, your actions show you have strong feelings about the pod…yeah, no, I more feel ambivalent about it. I’m really…I’m here…I back up my ambivalence. It’s the one thing I’m strongly ambivalent about. Normally you’re just ambivalent, but with Sleep With Me, I feel strongly ambivalent about it, yes. Actively Ambivalent; that will be another story one day I’ll tell…another biography I’ll write. Okay, so…oh boy, though, I had points…oh, so, yeah, not…this podcast doesn’t work for everybody. That’s one thing. The second thing is if you’re new, approach it kinda loosely and out-of-focus, 'cause the podcast is very different.

 

It’s not really meant to be listened to, but initially you’ll have strong feelings, 'cause you say, well, this isn’t what I expected and this isn’t exactly what I would associate with a sleep podcast. I say, yeah, kinda give it a try and see how it goes. It is very different; you’re correct in that. Of course you’d be doubtful or skeptical, 'cause you’ve probably been through tons of sleep solutions and tried a ton of things and probably spent a lot of money on…and time on all that stuff. So, give this show a few tries. See if it helps. I hope it does. The other thing is unlike all that other stuff out there that’s made to put you to sleep or comes with a guarantee…I already said there’s no guarantee, but that comes with the promise of putting you to sleep, this podcast really won't put you to sleep.

 

It will be here while you fall asleep and maybe for some of you, while you’re sleeping. So, I’m more here to keep you company and tell you a bedtime story just like a friend would as you fall asleep. So, I’m here to take your mind off of stuff and be a comforting presence or a barely-distracting presence you don’t have to feel…that you don’t have to feel strongly about, that you can feel strongly in your lack of your neutral feelings about. So, a podcast you don’t need to listen to, doesn’t really put you to sleep, but the thing is if you can’t sleep or you need the show multiple times or you’re waking up or whatever it is, I’m here for you. This show goes to the very end. There’s 300 episodes ready for you to listen to. New stuff comes out twice a week. So, I’m here.

 

So, if you can’t sleep, I’m here to keep you company, or if you’re not listening and you’re sound asleep, I’m here to keep you company. My job is the same because you’re important to me. The reason I make the show…one of the reasons is because you do deserve a good night’s sleep, and you don’t deserve all that extra pressure or people saying, well, if you did it right, you’d be sound asleep. That’s a brain bot. Also, humans talk like that, too. But that is an example of a brain bot in my brain, and brain bots are — at least to me — a unitary function within your brain, a bit like brain bots…not all of them are as cute as BB-8 or that cone droid that I talked about with the wheels, but they could be…they could look delightful, but rarely…unfortunately, I don’t have…the joy bot…I said, hello…when I’m looking for the joy bot, I’m…they’re a little bit harder to find.

 

I mean, they’re out there. I’ve learned that in my own life journey. But the joy bots, you gotta actually be more intentional to find them. You gotta be in the moment or you gotta keep a gratitude list. But the brain bots or the other ones — you could use other words to describe them — they’re…they kinda seem…they kinda effortlessly turn on and then they have perpetual energy. So, one of them would be like, you’re doing it wrong. You say, well, I’m just trying to go to sleep. Yup. Well, you’ve been doing it wrong for…that’s why. If only you could do it right, you’d sleep great. You say, are you sure it’s not the pressure you’re putting on me by…? ‘Cause I don't know what I’ve…I’ve tried everything. Probably haven’t tried it the right way.

 

You say, well…but that part of us, it really is…at least for me, it’s not as…it’s really…the truth is it’s in as much P-A-I-N as we are. It really needs some loving and it really doesn’t…it really doesn’t want to poke us like it does. It really wants to help, but it’s caught in this weird paradox. I just recently learned this about myself, 'cause even though I like to talk about it on the podcast, I’m very loving to the brain bots. A lot of times in my personal life, I’m doing a little bit more active work, and sometimes it’s not all positive work. Especially with that thing, you say…sometimes you get a little fed up, right? Not that long ago, I realized, oh wow, you’re…I mean, really, you’re me and you’re kinda stuck in this too, huh? And you’re trying to fix things. You really want to help…you’re…just have this one function.

 

You really want to fix stuff, but when you do, it kinda makes it worse. That can’t be easy to be a brain bot, either. In that case, I say, hey, come over here and give me…I don't know what to do, so I’ll just give you a hug or, well, pat you on your BB-88-like dome, or stroke…not to sound funny, but I’ll stroke your dome if you want me to, because you’re a brain bot within me. Those of you that are guffawing, it’s fine. But I say…so, that’s the kinda…what the podcast does is a lighter version of that. I don't do any really…I don't do any brain bot loving or loving like that. What I do is I say, hey, come on in. I’ll tell you a story while you human…your human falls asleep, 'cause I can see you’re stuck in a paradox too, and you’re trying to do the best you can, and you got these tools which is just being a little bit of a…a tent that’s…an irri-tent, or it rhymes with that.

 

So, I’m here to help. I’m here to help you and your brain bots. Actually, your brain bots, they love my stories because they’re so smart. Oh boy, are those brain bots smart and helpful. That’s why I keep all the seats up front reserved for brain bots with extra squares of rug. Oh boy, come on over. Like I’ve talked about on the show, we have special brain bot treats set out; lavender oil, circuit soothers…oh boy, do we…melatonin-based circuit soothers, your rugs are imbued with calming energy, de…we de-ionized all the rugs earlier, and plenty of stuff like that. So, I’m glad you’re all here. So, that’s…okay, so that’s why I make the show, though, is you deserve a good night’s sleep and a place of solace, and you’re not doing it wrong.

 

It’s just not easy, and it’s not easy for me, either, or the hundreds of thousands of other people that are listening along with you right now. They know how it feels, too, and it’s not a great feeling, right? But this show is here to make you feel less alone and to say, yeah, it’s not easy for us, either. So, if I can help you, it’d be my honor, because your world and our world will be a better place if you get a good night’s rest, or at least your bedtime could be a little bit more neutral. Maybe you get to set foot on that path where one day you’re patting the dome of your brain bot or blowing them kisses or whatever it is…rubbing their domes. I’m not gonna say that other one because it’s too goofy, and that was a accident, anyway.

 

But so…oh, so that’s why I make the show, is because I’ve been there and I believe you deserve a good night’s sleep. Structure, which this is a little late to tell you, but this is something that throws a lot of new listeners off. So, the show structure goes like this; it starts off with a greeting…ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, friends beyond the binary, then something silly I say in the moment, then there’s business. That really is what ables us to bring you the show twice a week for free and all the…300 episodes there, and keep it free for…to be downloaded millions of times a month for free. Then there’s an intro.

 

The intro…the business throws some people off, but a lot of people associate the business with the next eighteen minutes, which is the intro, because the intro, to a lot…some people…even…I mean, even common sense would say an intro should be three or four minutes, tops. But for Sleep With Me, the intro’s optional. That’s one thing, if you become a regular listener; you could be like the 2% of listeners — and I recently looked this up on another platform and it was 2% — that skip the intro. Amazing, those statistics. So, you could be the 2% of people that just start the show at twenty minutes, or you could see…and kinda see how it goes. But for most listeners, the intro is sixteen to eighteen to twenty minutes to give you time to unwind, to get ready for bed, or to slowly drift and get comfortable in bed.

 

Because if you’re anything like me, sleep does not happen instantly, right? That’s what all those solutions that you’re supposed to be doing right kinda say. You know, oh, if you just do this, this, and this, and you do that 84-41 breathing or whatever it is, and you think about the center of light, then you fall asleep. It just never has worked for me. Not that it doesn’t work for some people. I meditate and stuff like that as a part of my routine, but it doesn’t help me fall asleep. It does help me fall asleep on a regular basis. So, I kinda sound like I’m pooh-poohing stuff. I’m more pooh-poohing the idea that…oh, I saw…one of the brain bots poo-poo’d…I gotta clean that up. Sorry about that.

 

That’s why I…was on my brain. But that was for any kids listening. It’s just oil, anyway. Don't worry about it. Oh wait, no, it looks like some oil and some…what is that? I don't know, but…lavender…melatonin lavender or something. Okay, so, I’ll clean that up. Oh, so the intro, it just gives you a chance to get ready for bed and unwind. If you need a break during the day, the intros are also popular with people that need a break while they’re doing the dishes or they’re just sitting around or lying on the floor or writing code or whittling or whatever. So, that’s the intro, then there’s business, then there will be our episode, which tonight will be a little bit of a surprise.

 

Then there’s some thank-yous at the end. So, that’s the structure of the show and the reason why I make the show, and kind of what to expect is a lot of nonsense and the unexpected. So, I’m glad you’re here. I really appreciate your time and checking this podcast out. I really hope I can help. I work hard. I yearn and I strive to help you fall asleep. So, thank you one more time for coming by. Give it a few tries and see how it goes, and here’s a couple ways we’re able to bring this show for free.

 

Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake. It could be thoughts, things on your mind…I don't know, have I always said ‘on your mind’? ‘Cause they’re kinda in your mind and around your mind, and kinda dancing around. You say…or flying around like those summertime beings that fly around.

 

So, they could…and sometimes when you say flying around your mind, that sounds like they’re going fast, and sometimes they are, but sometimes they’re lackadaisically moving about. You’re trying to go to sleep, right? You’re saying, what are you doing flying around up there, thoughts? I’m trying to get to bed. I’m trying to do a podcast intro. So, it could be thoughts, the past, present, or future, feelings, like emotions coming up either about thoughts or just in general. I guess ocean’s…motions or…here’s a thing; hopefully your bed’s not in motion right now. Maybe you’re in Afterglow City. That’s great. But hopefully you’re…but emotions kinda do bubble up, or they appear, or they’re just there. You say, well, oh boy, I felt you before I noticed you. You know what I’m saying? That’s how I feel sometimes.

 

It could be years later. I said, I’ve been feeling you for years, whoa. Huh. So, feelings, physical sensations could be coming up and you could be dealing with those. So, whatever it is, I’m here to take your mind off of that, slowly. Can’t do it immediately, but we’ll get there. What I’m gonna do is I got this safe place set aside. I’m sending it to you, all the way right to your…wherever you are, signed, sealed, delivered; safe place. I didn’t…I did…I wrapped it up, but in a convenient way that’s easy to unwrap but gives you a sense of…oh boy…you say, this is the first safe place unboxing we’ve ever done on Sleep With Me. I say, well, I’ll probably forget if…but I’ll try to come back to that. One of the ways I establish this safe place is I send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones.

 

So, creaky, dulcet tones, they tend to eventually grow on you. Or you say, well, I don't mind these…the creaky, dulcet tones are a bit different. They don’t have an immediate soothing quality to them, but believe me, they’ll…if the podcast works for you, obviously you say, well, I do like…and it’s creaky like a door and dulcet like a sweet treat or a beautiful sound, like a Tibetan bell. I don't know if that has a dulcet tone, but to me it…certain ones. I’m sure you say, well…you say, Scoots, what did you get for your…Give Yourself A Gift Day? I say, well, I bought these refurbed Tibetan bowls. Turns out they’re called Tibetan bowls, not bells. I misspoke earlier. It was actually a sound pack. It was a discounted, refurbed, secondhand Tibetan bowl sound-effect pack, royalty-free, but it’s mostly the ones that are in the frequencies that aren’t soothing.

 

They’re more…they don’t even have any in the creaky frequencies. They’re mostly just the kind you don’t…you say, oh boy, now I know how a dog feels when you blow that invisible whistle or whatever. Oh, anyway, so, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders — that was a miniature one we just went on there — superfluous…it could have been a superfluous tangent, too. I’m gonna go off topic, I’m gonna misspeak, oh boy, mispronounce…I haven’t met a pronunciation I couldn’t…do that. But what I’m really gonna do is I’m here to keep you company as you fall asleep. So, if you’re new, let me give you a couple pieces of information as we unbox what this sleep podcast is. Let me un…as we unbox what this sleep podcast is.

 

So, the first thing to know as we take it out of this beautiful box…oh boy, is it soothingly packed in this nice…is that lavender I smell? Is the idea that this is a podcast you don’t really need to listen to. We take it out, you look at it…it’s kinda like a snow globe, so, if you wanted to visualize what we’re taking out of the box…you say, this is…this snow globe symbolizes the fact you don’t need to listen to the podcast, 'cause you kinda shake up the snow in a snow globe, right? Sometimes you look at whatever the place or the character is in the snow within the globe, and you kinda look at the snow, but you don’t pay a whole lot of attention to it. I mean, some people may, and that’s cool. But you maybe only notice the snow is…for a few seconds, and then maybe your attention drifts elsewhere.

 

That’s what you do the whole time to this podcast. You kinda look at it like the snow in a snow globe. Snow in a snow globe; I even have trouble saying that. I’m a little slow on the snow globe, you know what I’m saying? I’ve been that way my whole life. So, it’s a podcast you don’t need to listen to. You can kinda barely listen. So, that’s one thing. Now, let’s take this second thing out, here. Oh, this is interesting because this is…you could say these are slippers. I don't…'cause that’s what popped in my head. Oh boy, are these cozy slippers, and they say they’re sleep slippers, right? Maybe they have the ones…you could warm them up first. Just like Chris would say, warm it up, Chris. You’d say, the slippers? I’m about to. The slippers would say, warming up feet is what we were born to do.

 

But so, these slippers…the thing about Sleep With Me that these slippers symbolize as we unbox them is really that Sleep With Me is more of a podcast to be here while you fall asleep than to put you to sleep. Just like slippers; you don’t…not too many people wear slippers in bed. If you do, nothing wrong with it. My only recommendation would be have some bed-only slippers. Give yourself a gift with some bed-only slippers if you do wear slippers in bed. But a lot of people…I mean, some people associate slippers and lounging. But, I don't know, I’ve been making a sleep podcast for seven years.

 

I see a lot of sleep stuff and slipper stuff aligned, but slippers are more of a bedtime experience than to put you to sleep, even if they were sleep slippers, I mean, unless they were made by Morpheus, the great god and goddess of sleep, who would say, oh yeah, these ones, you just click them twice and you…and I’d say, well, thanks for putting Sleep With Me out of business, Morpheus, with your sleep slippers. Flooded the market with those. So, this podcast, the reason why those slippers symbolize that is it’s really not here to put you to sleep. It’s here to be here as you fall asleep, to be a part of your bed-down and wind-down routine. Bed-down routine…again, that was my favorite…one of my favorite Beastie Boys tracks that was never released; Gotta Get A Bed-Down.

 

People thought it was made about a bed made of down, which it wasn’t, and then people thought it was a metaphor for something else, which it was not, so that’s why it wasn’t released. Oh, also, I imagined it in my head. Probably another reason they didn’t release the song. Oh, but so, this is a podcast you don’t need to listen to, just like a snow globe, and it’s more a part of your bed…you can listen to it in bed as opposed to the slippers, which I guess those imaginary ones were having is bed slippers. Also, cold socks. We just renamed them slippers; bed socks. So, this is a podcast you don’t need to listen to and it’s more here to keep you company as you fall asleep. So, those are two things to note.

 

The other things we gotta get out of this box is the structure of the show, because it is…really had to get it in this box, 'cause it’s so…the structure of the show is so different. So, the first thing you’ll notice is the show starts off with a greeting. I guess that would be the card in the box that says, hey, glad you’re here, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, or friends beyond the binary. Everyone’s welcome, and we’re here to try to put you to sleep. So, that would be the first thing you would notice. Then at the bottom of the box is…you say, whoa, that’s the thing from the company that sent the box. It has how everything…the inventory and the costs. So, the next thing we have to do to keep the podcast free for everybody is the business. So, we do the business next.

 

Then after the business is the intro, which I guess in this case would be like…if this was a box of something, it’d be like a sampler pack where you say…either you ordered the sampler pack or, even better, they included it for free, because…but you’d say, huh, this isn’t like any other sampler pack. But the idea of a sampler pack, I think, is to introduce you to a variety of products, right? So, you could sample them. So, Sleep With Me has an intro that’s somewhere around twelve to twenty minutes long. So, a greeting; one minute. Business; four, five, six minutes, then from about minute seven to minute twenty is the intro. Those are approximate things. So, you’d say…with the sampler pack, I think this may be easier to understand, but some people might say, what are these jars so small for?

 

Because I like…and they said, well, yeah, you could order…but I guess it would be…I guess that’s a pretty good thing. So, you’d kinda have to look at the…Sleep With Me is the inverse of a sampler pack because it’s a gigantic…maybe that would be it. You’d say, oh boy, at the bottom of the…at the top of the box is a sampler pack. You say, okay, that makes sense. At the bottom of the box, the sampler is bulk-size samples. You’d say, well, I’m not even sure…I haven’t even tried this product or paid for it, so this is great because now I have it in bulk. So, the reason that Sleep With Me really…the intros are so long is one, to introduce you to the podcast and give you a general idea of what you’re getting, but two is that the podcast is really part…supposed to be a part of your bedtime routine and for people to become regular listeners, or…thank you, regular listeners, for being here.

 

They either start the podcast as they’re getting ready for bed or as they just get into bed. Or, a lot of people listen during the day for a break. But the whole idea of the intro is it slowly winds you down. So, whether you’re getting ready for bed and you’re listening and you’re doing some bedtime stuff and prep stuff, or you’re in bed and starting to get comfortable and relaxed, the podcast is here to kinda do that with you as you wind down, because I haven’t found any instant way, personally or as a sleep podcaster…just instantly put you to sleep. So, if you’re still confused, I’ll tell you a few ways people listen. Some…2% of people start the show at twenty minutes, 'cause they just want to get closer to the story. Then a variety of people start the show and then they set a sleep timer for thirty, forty-five, or sixty minutes.

 

Maybe that’s probably less than 5% of each of those, I would say. I’d have to look. Those people either start the intro during their…before…after they get in bed, and some people fall asleep during the intro, and then some people don’t start listening until they wake up, so that’s another style of listener. Another way people listen is they start an episode and maybe they set the sleep timer, and then the…for thirty minutes, and then the next night, they start the same episode at thirty minutes. So, there’s a lot of different ways to listen to the podcast. You could kinda slowly discover what works for you, which, again, kind of is about the sampler pack idea. It’s just, we’ve packed our sampler pack away that doesn’t make…you say…I guess it doesn’t…it kinda breaks the mold of sampler packs, but it makes sense in this situation.

 

The other thing about sampler packs is that you discover not everything is your taste, right? Unfortunately, Sleep With Me just doesn’t work for everybody. I’m not everybody’s taste, or just…some people just want a bedtime story or they’re looking for something different. But also, you gotta be careful in a sampler pack that you do give everything a try. So, I tell everybody, give this show two or three tries, because it is an acquired taste. I mean, millions of people have acquired a taste for the show, and I only say that because almost every person that has an acquired taste for the show has said, oh yeah, it took two or three tries before I acquired…it’s actually the opposite; I acquired…I realized I didn’t have to taste the podcast, which is great, because I really never had any interest in tasting a podcast.

 

Let’s put that on a shirt and sell it, because that’s probably…I never had any interest in tasting a podcast. Sleep With Me; I assume it tastes pretty neutral, not as tasty as other podcasts, but yeah. So, that’s most of the stuff. Now, there’s two other big things in the box. So, we do the story…or we do the intro, then there’s a little more business between the intro or the sampler pack and the big box in there, which is our story that starts around twenty minutes. Tonight it’ll be our look-back at our episodically modular series, Get Besos, and a look ahead to our new series. Then again at the bottom of the box or the end of the show is the thank-yous…that I say, thanks…hey, thanks for checking this out or thanks for purchasing this product, if it was an unboxing.

 

Now, another great…now, here’s the amazing thing about this; this is the only unboxing you’ll ever experience this, is that everything…you say, wait a second, I didn’t have to deal with the box or the wrapping or wonder if this was recyclable or not? Oh no, this is a figurative box, so it’s gone already. You could use the stuff in there, but you don’t gotta clean up after me, just like having a guest over that…just like having a guest over that you don’t have to pay any attention to me, you don’t have to worry about me leaving crumbs behind when I go. It’s just, I’m on-demand. So, that’s pretty much all you need to know, other than this fact; I make the show because I’ve been there. I have trouble sleeping and I’ve had it my whole life, so I know how it feels there in the deep, dark night.

 

That’s why I call it the deep, dark night, because that is figurative and it’s real. But also, that’s counterbalanced by the fact that I believe…you know what? I don’t believe it; I know it. You deserve a good night’s sleep. You deserve a place where you can rest and feel safe and unwind. It’s my job to provide that for you if I can. Like I said, it is an acquired taste, so I’ll try to do that, and I hope it can help you because you do deserve that. With you rested, not only will your world be a better place; our world will be, and that’s the truth. It really is a fact, and I’d be honored if I could provide that for you. I really appreciate you coming by and checking the show out, 'cause I work really hard. I yearn and I strive. I really want to help you fall asleep, so thanks again for coming by, and here’s a couple ways we’re able to give you this podcast for free.

 

Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether that’s thoughts, things you’re thinking about, things on your mind about the past, the present, or the future, or just…you don’t…you say, they’re just thoughts coming up. It could be deep thoughts or shallow thoughts. I don't know if I’ve ever talked about deep or shallow thoughts.

 

Sorry, thoughts; I didn’t mean to call you shallow, though I love…by the way, I love shallow water, so…thoughts, physical sensations, so anything coming up for you physically or feelings, anything emotionally coming up for you that might be getting in the way of sleep. It could be something else or, no offense, but somebody else who’s snoring or tossing and turning or messing with the temperature in your room or home…and now we’re rolling our eyes and sighing at them. Maybe you’re looking at them in a way that’s both loving and in a way that’s…well, I’m here to help with that. But it could be travel, temperature, changes in routine. Holy, changes in routine. I don't know, maybe I wouldn’t…shouldn’t say holy changes in routine, 'cause you’d say, is that where your belief…?

 

I say, no; I wish my belief system said, well, let’s celebrate these changes in routine. They offer us a learning opportunity or a…I’d say, well, you know what? You know what keeps me up tossing and turning? Learning opportunities and growth opportunities. I’d say, Carol Dweck, could…they say, no coffee after noon, or 1:00 PM or whatever. I’d say, no Carol Dweck after 2:00 PM. I say, I put…I’d like to put a stop to my growth mindset about 2:00 PM, if at all…I’d like to…I move into a fixed mindset around 4:00 PM, and hopefully I’m fixing…first I’m fixing my dinner, then I’m fixing to relax, then I’m fixing to get some sleep. But you might be wondering, what am I talking about? Well, yeah, I’m here to take your mind off of that.

 

What I’m gonna do is I’m trying to create a safe place, a little bit of a ridiculous place where you could set aside that stuff, like I said. I’ll send my voice across the deep, dark night, I’ll use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless…those are creaky, dulcet tones, like a creaky door mixed with something sweet. If your favorite door was creaky and it was always creaky, it would be…that’s a creaky, dulcet door, 'cause…and that was also a cologne, the Creaky Dulcet Dior Collection by Dior. No one ordered that, so it did not work out for me or Dior. That was Christina Dior, not Christian, but we’re no longer in business together 'cause they said, I knew that was bad. I said, well, you didn’t think a creaky…this…seasonally…I smell like the seasonal scent of a creaky, dulcet door. Oh, what was I talking about, though?

 

Oh, send my voice across the deep, dark night, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders — you already got a few — superfluous tangents, extra words, a lot of nonsense. If you’re new, I want to give you some information right away, 'cause I always forget and then I go off topic, and I’m…but so, if you’re new, I’m glad you’re here. If you’re skeptical or doubtful, you’re probably…I agree with you, 'cause I would be skeptical or doubtful or confused or off-put or maybe a little bit flustered. Those are all natural reactions to this podcast, and so, I want to acknowledge that as most…that’s how most people feel when they first start listening. So, a couple things to know; one, kinda see how it goes. Most listeners, it takes two or three tries to get used to the podcast if they stick around, but it does work for a lot of people.

 

So, see how it goes. You say, well, I’m not so sure about that. I say, okay, totally understand that. You’re not ready to see how it goes. So, let me give you information on starting out. If you’re gonna listen to this podcast, just barely listen to it. You might say, what do you mean? This is…and I say, well, kinda don’t pay super close attention. You can, but if you’re trying to figure out when am I gonna put you to sleep or how I’m gonna do it or when I’m gonna get started doing it…already got…here’s a hint; I already got started doing it, 'cause I’m more here to take your mind off of stuff and keep you company than to put you to sleep. But also, I found that when people try to look at the podcast, they’re looking for something that makes sense.

 

Oh boy, the only sense I make are ones that don’t…that Christina Dior tried to sell and it didn’t work out. So, there won't be a lot of making sense here. There’ll be making up sense, but it’s mostly nonsense, as I already said. So, try to approach the podcast in a loose way. You don’t have to approach it in a friendly way, like a loose, friendly way. You could say, well…like I said, keep me at a safe distance and see how it goes. So, one, this is…one, this is a podcast you don’t really need to pay attention to and you don’t need to listen to. The other thing is there’s no pressure to fall asleep. The shows are about an hour, so you have plenty of time to fall asleep, and I more keep you company as you drift off than put you to sleep. If you can’t sleep, you’re very important to me.

 

If you’re awake or if you need the show or you need eight episodes tonight, I’m here for you. That’s why I make the show, to keep you company. So, if you can’t sleep, I’m here, but also in the sense, that works…if you’re asleep, I’m still here for you even though you’re asleep. That’s great for both of us because I get to be here doing my job and keeping you company while you drift off. So, okay, so those are…okay, so those are two things to know. Oh, then structurally…that’s the other thing that throws new listeners off. The only thing I can do is kinda give you a heads-up. It still might throw you off, and this is a podcast…you don’t have to like it. It’s optional. I hope it works for you. But even for the people that it works for, some of those people, they still don’t exactly like the podcast.

 

But I hope it works for you and I hope you kinda enjoy it. I forgot what my point was. Oh, structurally…oh, this…so, this can throw people off. So, the show…this is the structure of the show and then I’ll go into some specifics. So, the show starts off with business. Well, the show starts off with a teaser, a greeting, then business, and…the business, and then an intro, then business, and then I’ll talk about Star Trek: The Next Generation. Doesn’t matter if…well, I’ll go into the details, then some thank-yous. The reason the podcast is structured that way is like…there’s business at the beginning; that helps us keep the podcast free for everybody, so, not super important if you’re new, and then there’s business between the intro and the episode because that’s just…some people like their business there.

 

Because you say, well, why would it be after the intro? I say, well…and then some people say, okay, tell me about the intro. I say, well, the intro is around twelve to fourteen to sixteen to eighteen to nineteen to seventeen, fifteen, thirteen…occasionally eleven minutes of me introducing the podcast. So, if you’re thinking about it logically, you say, wait a second, it takes you eleven to thirteen to twelve to fourteen to fifteen or seventeen or sixteen or eighteen or nineteen minutes to introduce a sleep podcast? Shouldn’t you just say, Sleep With Me podcast to put you to sleep; tonight we’re talking about Star Trek, and then move on to put me to sleep? I’d say, well, that’s a legitimate thing, and I do really wish that it worked that well, that I could just do a one-minute intro and then talk about Star Trek: The Next Generation.

 

For about 2% of listeners, it does work that well. They skip ahead and they start the show at about twenty minutes. But for most listeners and for myself, I need a bedtime routine and a wind-down routine. So, the intro, it serves two purposes; it introduces the new listeners to the show, and for the regular listeners, it’s new every time and it becomes part of their wind-down routine. So, it gives you time to ease into bedtime. So, some listeners may fall asleep, but most listeners are either getting ready for bed…they start it playing before they get in bed, or they’re…they just got in bed and they’re getting comfortable. They’ve been in there, whatever, six or seven minutes now. What up? The bed’s starting to get warm finally, huh?

 

So, the intro is…you could say it’s long and drawn-out, and I would say, well, more like long and scribbled out. But yeah, it’s just…the whole purpose is to ease you into bedtime. I don't know…'cause that…the intro’s one of the thing’s people feel strong…the podcast doesn’t work for feel strongest about, that and the business, and the business is kinda unavoidable 'cause I want the podcast to be free. But then the intro, it does serve a purpose for most listeners, and then it’s easy to skip, or patrons just…some patrons just listen to story-only episodes. But really, if you become a regular listener, the most listeners are fans of the intro because they…that’s the part of the show they hear, which I guess is ironic because I put way more work into the story portion of the show.

 

But I think the work I put into the show is what enables you not to have to listen to it. So, that’ll be the intro, then there’s business, then I’ll talk about Star Trek: The Next Generation. Now, a couple things; if you don’t watch the show, don't worry. It’ll be soothing and sleepy like a bedtime story. If you’re a big fan of Star Trek: The Next Generation, you don’t necessarily need to worry about it, either, 'cause it won't make…you say, I don't think that was an episode, Scoots. I don't remember any of that happening. I say, well, it’s my interpretation of it. So, either way, you’re covered. You say, well, one day I’m gonna watch all…and I say, well…again, you say, I thought Scoots talked about this episode. I don't remember any balloon animals. So, that’s the structure of the show.

 

So, those are the things, if you’re new, that you’d need most…that I…I don't know, that I want you to know about. Then I was thinking at the beginning…I was talking about shallow thoughts and deep thoughts, right? I just thought of this 'cause I said, wait a second, okay, so, not many times you say…that deep thoughts have a negative connotation, unless it’s like you’re…I don't know how many people have kids in their lives, but children from the age of ten to forty-five, they’ve been known to do some deep thinking in a room where you might want to also use it to go to the restroom. So, then you might say, can you finish up with those deep thoughts in there, please? I gotta get in there and…so, that’s the only time that deep…people say, wow, you and your deep thinking.

 

Or they say, what are you doing, sitting around there thinking about deep space or…? So, there’s not many times people say that, but shallow thoughts, they really…you say, a shallow thought…you’d say, well, how’s my hair?  You say, oh boy, you and your shallow thoughts. I’d say, wait a second, you could read my mind? You knew I was thinking about my hair? I’d say, well, 'cause your thoughts were so…your mind’s easy to read with those shallow thoughts. But how come…? ‘Cause I said it; I said, I thought…when you think about shallow water, it’s almost like the opposite…deep water; you associate it with being cold, maybe having too many fish. But shallow water…I’ll tell you what; put me in some shallow water at a beach where I could see my…put my feet in and see my feet, maybe one or two minnows, and it’s warm.

 

Holy shallow water. So, sometimes shallow thoughts…you really need them. You say, well, they don’t involve any deep stuff. They don’t have to be narcissistic, or you don’t have to use that word, right? You say, well, I was just thinking about bubble gum. I guess that’s a shallow thought…chewing it. I don't know what other shallow thoughts…'cause I don’t want to say something’s a shallow thought. It might be a deep thought. One person’s shallow thought is another person’s thinkpiece. But I think we could all agree…I’m just trying to think who would object to shallow water. I mean, obviously a ship…big ships. They’d say, well, we can’t even get in there. Or sea beings that need deep water. But you say, well, shallow water, you could…it’s good for your ankles. Sometimes it’s good to sit down in.

 

I’m talking about Hollywood water, by the way, not normal, every day water. You might say, well, Scoots, I’m picturing…I say, no, no, this is only Hollywood water. The Hollywood…I’m leaning into the Hollywoodization of shallow water. So, yeah, the one with the sunlight filtering through, sandy bottom, holy cow. Yeah, if you have shallow water with M-U-C-K on the bottom, that’s a different story. But I’m here to glorify the…what’s already been glorified in a…'cause I’m just here to be shallow. I’m talking shallow…the Shallow Cast; we’re talking shallow…the Shallow Water Cast, the Shallow episode. Just talking about how great it is, how pretty it is. But those are deep things at the same time, but not in this case. You say…I mean, to the minnow in there, they say, well, this…what do you mean this is shallow water?

 

It’s the perfect temperature. This is my home until I go over there, and then that’s my home. Then you don’t even see me when…after dark. You don’t know where I am. But really, I’m still in this shallow water, cruising around. Where do you sleep? In the shallow water somewhere. Okay, well, that’s good to know. So, I don't know, that was just something I was thinking about, one of my shallow thoughts. I said, how come shallow water does not get the credit…? Well, I guess it’s not transferable. You say, well, shallow thoughts…Scoots, I don't know if you know this, but different words have different meaning. I say, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold the phone. Does this mean everything I learned with Latin prefixes and those kinda things…should I throw all that out the window? Well, Scoots, shallow is actually a word. It’s not a prefix.

 

Are those called prefixes or is somebody gonna e-mail me and they say, no, no, that’s not what it’s called? I don't know, 'cause I’m within your brain. But I’m just telling you, shallow water and shallow thoughts, those are two different things. Kind of, though. But isn’t…can you agree with me that shallow water is pretty darn great? So, why wouldn’t shallow thoughts at least be pretty okay? Can you give me an example, Scoots? Okay, let’s say you look at the blue sky. You don’t…and you’re like me; you know…you’ve learned about clouds and blue…that there’s water vapor or something, or it’s…that you can’t see space 'cause of whatever, but you really don’t know anything. You say, darn, that sky looks good. It’s pretty, pretty blue, except for the wispy clouds. Oh boy, that’s nice.

 

Is that a good…isn’t that a good, shallow thought to have? Or what about the wind? You say, oof, that wind, it’s a little chilly, but it feels…okay, I know I have to work on expanding my vocabulary. But you say, oh boy, this feels nice. Oshkosh b’gosh, that wind in my hair, that’s a summer breeze even thought it’s spring. You know what I’m saying? Yeah, I guess so. Alright, well, good talking to you. Yeah, great talking to you. I’ll see you in…right in your brain, right now. Alright, go ahead…go up there. I gotta finish this intro. So, I think that’s it. Whether you have…I’m here to take your mind off any thoughts or feelings or physical sensations.

 

I’m here to keep you company. I make the show because I’ve been there and I know how it feels waking up early, tossing and turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep. I’ve had it all, and I think it’s important. I think…I don't think; I know you deserve a good night’s sleep, and I’m here to try to help if I can. I really appreciate you checking the show out, giving me your time. I work very hard. I yearn and I strive to help you fall asleep, and here’s a couple ways we’re able to keep this show free for you and everybody else listening. Thanks.

 

[END OF RECORDING]

(Transcribed by Leah Hervoly)

Notable Language:

• Terrarium Beings
• Brain Bot Unitary Function
• Melatonin-Based Circuit Soothers

Notable Culture:

• Zubaz Pants
• That’s So Raven
• Dior

Notable Talking Points:

• Metaphorical Soups
• Are you spinning a Tasha Yarn?
• Dome Stroking