1130 – Fantastic Christmas Voyage | Sleeping with Doctor Who Holiday

Notable Language:

• Peak Mediocrity
• Psychic Sonogram
• Forklift Action Music

Notable Culture:

• Coolio
• Mary Poppins
• Thelma & Louise

Notable Talking Points:

• We don’t idolize Tepid Water but we should
• Even Timelords have to eat
• The Austin Powers pronunciation of “Metal”

Episode 1130 – Fantastic Christmas Voyage | Sleeping with Doctor Who Holiday

 

[START OF RECORDING]

 

SCOOTER: Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, holiday trees and holiday Multi-forms, wherever you are, whether you’re a Who or a Whovian or you just say who, what, where am I, it’s time for Sleep With Me, the podcast that should leave you with mild versions of those questions. But then you say, you know what? I don’t care. This dude’s just here to talk and keep me company while I fall asleep. So glad you’re here if you’re new. Give this show a few tries. It is really different, but I’m here to keep you company and take your mind off of stuff, to be your friend in the deep, dark night, because I’ve been there and a bunch of other people listening have been there, too, and all of us agree you deserve a good night’s sleep.

 

You deserve a bedtime you could look forward to or feel neutral about, not one you dread. So, just see how it goes. I’m here to help. I hope I can. Structurally what to expect; there will be some support — that’s how the show comes out free twice a week — then there will be a long, meandering intro, and then we’ll cover a Who holiday special that…about…yeah, about Doctor Who, but it’ll be more like a bedtime story, so if you’ve never seen it before, don’t worry. It’s a really nice one, some really nice ways to celebrate the holiday season. So, so glad you’re here. I really hope I can help. I appreciate you coming by. It’s time for Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. Thanks for making it possible, my patron peeps.

 

INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’ll do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is to create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts on your mind, things you’re thinking about, so thoughts, thinking stuff about the past, the present, the future, all those things at once, stuff…you say, what do you…? I don’t know. So many times I notice that I’m thinking when I’m doing something else.

 

I’m think…especially at bedtime and at my morning routine, normally, about the past, the present…so, it could be thoughts, it could be feelings, anything coming up for you emotionally related to those thoughts or that are just there, feelings left over from the day or just feelings, human stuff. It could be physical sensations, it could be changes in time, temperature, routine. You could have guests, you could be traveling, you could be in the middle of something, you could have something coming up. Whatever it is, it could be a lot of different stuff. Whatever it is, we’re here to keep you company and take your mind off of it so you could fall asleep.

 

A couple things to know is the reason I make the show is you deserve a good night’s sleep, and you deserve a place at bedtime where you feel less alone, but a bedtime where you could at least feel neutral about it, if not look forward to it. I think most Sleep With Me listeners are like well, I don’t dread bedtime anymore; I got Scoots there and I know he brings a kind of mediocrity…he brings…he’s the most…if there’s…if there is peak mediocrity, which…I don’t know. He doesn’t even know if he could do that because he said well, I’m confused by that. His vocabulary is so mediocre and his understanding of concepts…but he embraces it. Sleep With Me; a place where mediocrity is embraced, especially at bed…you say well, at least I don’t feel…I feel somewhat neutral about bedtime.

 

Like we say around here, we take our…we don’t take our water tepid, but symbolically…say, bring me some tepid water, man. Your Grace, what could I bring you? Some tepid water right away, because I’m looking to appeal to the…to some…I’m looking to get the perspective of some of the algae in our community. But oh, so this show is here to keep you company and…so you could fall asleep, because you deserve a good night’s sleep. That’s one part of it. Now, the less-alone part is a little bit more complicated in this digital…whatever we’re in. I don’t think we’re in a realm, but kind of we are. Or, I’m trying to carve out a safe place, which would be within a realm. We’ll declare…my safe place; it’s a mediocre realm. The realm of mediocrity.

 

You can’t call him a…you can’t be a…unfortunately, you can’t be a prince in the realm of mediocrity, but…yeah. That’s where…you don’t rule there, either. You don’t have to. No pressure. That’s what’s great about being in a realm of mediocrity. Say well, I can just be my…yeah, I can just be okay. So, yeah, that’s it. What else do we got here? Realm of mediocrity…oh, so the other side of the show, why you’re not supposed to feel…you’re not alone because whatever is keeping you awake, while I might not have experienced it, or maybe…there’s hundreds of thousands of people listening right now that may not have been through the same thing you’re going through; there’s a lot of us that could relate to it. Even if I can’t relate to it, there’s probably someone else out there that can relate to how it feels.

 

The reason I make the show is ‘cause I can relate to a lot of those things; tossing, turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep, not even know…the other night I was like, am I awake? Have I been awake for two hours or asleep, or in and out of sleep? I’m thinking about starting a debate club with my sleep apps where I say wait a second…and they say, our sensors don’t lie, sir. I say, but this information does not seem…and they say, this is the data and the data we have about you. Did you say data, not data? Like, data art? Then they hung…and they said, this is…so, whatever is keeping you awake, the most important things are you deserve a good night’s sleep where you could get some rest, and ideally you feel less alone.

 

Now, this show does not work for everybody, but good news — and I laugh because it’s a strange bit of good news — it works for almost no one on the first try. So, give it a few tries and see how it goes. It’s free, and that’s what most reviewers say. People that pay for the podcast now, they say…there’s people that pay for the podcast that said I couldn’t stand you, then two years later I had a big appointment coming up, couldn’t sleep, tried the podcast; now I listen every night. Now, that’s kind of a edge case, but most people say at first try, didn’t like it. I was skeptical, doubtful, irritated. Then the second try, I kinda like huh, oh, this doesn’t make any sense. The third try I was like oh, okay, it’s not supposed to. So, give it a few tries. See how it goes. You got nothing to lose.

 

But if you already loathe the podcast, that doesn’t change the fact that most of us can relate to how you feel and that you deserve a good night’s sleep. So, check out sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou and see…there’s other sleep podcasts and sleepy audio on there. But what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna try to keep you company, I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night, out of my mediocre…out of the realm of mediocrity. So mediocre…you say, you’re misusing the…I don’t know if he knows…and I said, that’s how I do it. Couldn’t be the epitome of mediocrity or the epitome of it, without wandering around in a realm of it and saying, I don’t even know. I don’t know.

 

So, I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night, I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, and superfluous tangents. So, that means my voice is not traditionally soothing ‘cause it’s here to keep you company and not be list…kinda barely listen to me. Also, I go off topic, as you’ve seen…pointless meanders and superfluous tangents; I’ve already been on a few…but all of it to keep you company. This is a podcast you don’t really listen to. You just kinda barely listen. You kinda tune…you could tune me out, you could tune me barely, or you could listen, ‘cause this is also not a podcast that puts you to sleep. I keep you company while you fall asleep. There’s no pressure to listen and no pressure to fall asleep.

 

In fact, I’m gonna be here to the very end, because there are listeners who can’t sleep who are listening to the show or who need a break during the day who are listening. I’m here to the very end, whether you’re awake or asleep. For a lot of people, that’s what works about the show. They say oh, I know you’re gonna be here, so I don’t have to listen to you and I don’t have to listen to you, but I know you’re gonna be here. So, this is a podcast that doesn’t put you to sleep and you don’t really listen to it. I’m here to be your bore-friend, your bore-bae, your bore-sib, your bore-cuz, your bore-bestie, your bore…did I say bore-bud? Your neigh-bore, your bore-bor, your friend in the deep, dark night, and keep you company.

 

So, those are some things; a podcast you don’t listen to, a sleep podcast that doens’t put you to sleep, takes a few tries to get used to. Is there more good news? Oh boy, is there, because we design this show in a very specific way, just because it goes out and…with specific goals in mind. But as you become a regular listener, you can adjust how you listen. But let me tell you why the show is structured the way it is. Show starts out with a greeting so you feel seen and welcomed in and you say, maybe I could check this podcast out. Then there’s sponsor and listener support so the show could be free, so paying for it is optional, and the pocast comes out reliably twice a week, Sundays and Wednesdays.

 

Then, separate from the support of the show, is the intro that’s about ten to twenty minutes long that goes on and on and on, where I try to describe what the podcast is unsuccessfully or inefficiently or in a mediocre way. This time it works. I’d say most people would rate the podcast on one side of mediocre, ‘cause as I’ve heard so many times, the intro goes…just goes on and…you know, you’re supposed to just intro the show and move on into the bedtime story. I say well, the intro, again, serves purposes. So, the goals of the show; you feel welcome, the podcast is free, and then the intro eases you into bedtime. It gives you some time to wind down or do a bedtime routine or get ready for bed or be in bed getting comfortable. If you fall asleep during the intro, that’s totally fine, or if you skip the intro, that’s totally fine.

 

But for most listeners, the intro is part of the wind down and the twilight period of the show. It eases you into bedtime. So, that’s why it goes on and on and on. That’s why it’s different every time but it follows the same structure, so that it feels familiar but you can’t quite adjust, whatever’s keeping you awake. So, that’s the intro. Yeah, and a small percentage of people fall asleep during it, and some people…2% or 3% skip it. So, just see how it goes and see if it works for you. Then there’s support for the show after the intro, and then there’s our story. Tonight will be a little bit of a holiday special from Doctor Who. Get one last piece of Tennant in there. You know what I’m saying. Get some…the D to the T, that Doctor. If I had more…if I wasn’t mediocre, I’d know, oh, that’s the seventh Doctor. But I don’t know if it is.

 

That was just the number that popped in my head. So…eleventh? I don’t know. Why am I…are those prime numbers? No idea. Thanks, brain, for inter…oh, so, the…oh, so yeah, that’s the bedtime story. That’ll be about forty-five, fifty minutes. I think maybe longer, ‘cause the episode’s pretty long. Then there will be some thank-yous at the end. So, that’s the structure of the show, that’s why I make the show. It’s here for you, so see how it goes. I really hope I can help you fall asleep. I work really hard, I yearn and I strive, and there’s a lot of other people that work really hard at bringing this podcast to you. Couldn’t do it without them, either. So, I appreciate it, and I really hope I can help you fall asleep, and here’s a couple of ways we’re able to do this for you for free twice a week.

 

Alright everybody, Scoots here, and I gotta be honest, I’m…normally I’m not surprised to be wrong since it happens so often, but for some reason I was under the impression that there were only two David Tennant seasons of Doctor Who. I was a little bit confused, especially watching this episode, this holiday special, because I said wait a second, isn’t this when they change up Doctors or whatever, or they at least set it up? I’m not gonna talk about the previews at the end of the episode, but I said whoa, that’s…there must…is there another special, like another Doctor Who movie? Because that’s a lot of David Tennant, and I can’t get enough of that. But it turns out, as in so many things, Scoots was wrong.

 

That’s what qualifies me to make a sleep podcast, so…my mistake to your benefit, because I just looked and it looks like Season 4 is full of Tennant, so that’s great for everybody. But right now we’re talking about Season 3, Episode 14, the Christmas special from 2007, Voyage…Fantastic Voyage. Come along and ride on a fantastic voyage, like ride, ride, and slippity-slide. I don’t know if…which…I mean, I know the song came first, ‘cause I think that was a nineties…I’m thinking of the hip-hop one. Was that a Coolio song? But so, I know…I was just wondering, anybody that…I was trying to imagine the experience of curling up with my family on Christmas Day or Christmas Eve and watching this, ‘cause it is a longer episode.

 

Probably if…I don’t know if it had commercials or not, but the clock’s set at an hour and twelve minutes, or just under it, with previews afterwards. But yeah, we’ll run through it here, and…let’s see, it starts off…last epoch? No. Oh, last episode. Doctor thinking…there’s the ship horn. He’s doing stuff on the ship, and then a WTF…there’s dust. What, what, what? Bells, steam, water. It’s the hull of the Titanic. Then he makes some adjustments to the ship. The TARDIS repairs itself or re-forms, pushes the ship out. But then the Doctor’s like, wait a second, that gives me an idea. I don’t know…it’s tough to say…that looks like a ship’s thing, but then he ends up inside of a room. I gotta pause it here. Oh yeah, let’s see…hold on. Looks like some glue is on the table.

 

Oh, you know when I pause it, it doesn’t…but it’s a different…there’s something Shipping Company Limited, first floor. Doctor goes into a room where the Christmas is being celebrated. Wood panels, globes, fancy dress, people serving drinks, angel statues, a desk, people dressed like they belong on ships. But one of the angels looks at him, so they’re angel bots. Very fancy, very fancy. This is the Titanic, but we realize we’re in…there’s a large diversity of not just human beings. Then the Doctor says, right…he looks out the window. In orbit above Sol 3, also known as Earth, population human. Oh boy, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Christmas. That must have been fun for the holiday season, to see that. Fancy holiday…Jingle Bells was playing. Angels, bots, lots of beings. Oh yeah, under…right, Titanic, Sol 3, Earth.

 

Then we’re on the bridge. There’s a dude that looks a little bit like the guy from Paper Chase. Got his name written down, but I forgot his name. It’s a spaceliner above Earth. Captain’s got medals. There’s this Kid Bridge, who’s working there. He’s new. They send everybody off to get some rum. We see Kid Bridge; he’s mid-shipment. First trip out. I’m Kid Bridge. Then he says well, you could go take a break. He goes oh no, the bridge has got to be staffed by two. Level 5 planet. Silent Night, they call it. Max Capricorn commercial…cruise lines…jazzy water? Oh, jazzy Winter Wonderland. People dancing…happy people…Doctor smiles. Cassio angels here to funk? That doesn’t make any sense. Experience primitive cultures; that’s why they’re really there. Most famous vessel of Earth. Max Capricorn, Max Hedgerum?

 

Then they say oh, there’s a software problem, and…’cause one of the angels is having trouble. Eight of them down. Some kind of bug. Throw them overboard. I say, one of those angels has gotta cost more money…even than I’ll ever make in my entire lifetime. So, I don’t normally like to call for the firing of an imaginary character, but…say, that’s very wasteful. I wouldn’t do that if I were you. I’d refurbish them. I mean, it was foreshadowing. If you knew what you knew…do…rude guy with gemir Earth…anti-go jack…oh, antique Earth jacket. Genuine Earth antique jacket. Doctor helps Astrid, who’s serving drinks. The guy bumps into her, she bumps into him; they break the glasses…spills on his jacket. Merry Christmas…something Malone…used to be…are you alone or something? I used to be…no…yes, no.

 

Spruce put diner to be here. No shore leave, no…oh, so they’re going…are you gonna have any shore leave? She says no, I’m stuck on the ship. Then a lot of…[inaudible] ship ‘cause of insurance purposes. But I’ve always dreamt of seeing another sky. Dreamy eyes…Doctor is charming. I’m a stowaway. Seriously? This is…no, yeah, it’s a bit of a party. I thought, why not? I have this jib thing. Have a drink on the house. Rude people who…oh, these are…there’s a group of people that are rude to another group of people, dressing kinda cowboy…fun cowboy outfits, but they’re nice, but they’re…the other people are being rude. They won tickets to come. By the Light of the Asteroid…that’s the name of the game show they won the tickets on. Doctor sprays the rude people with champagne.

 

One person’s…we’ll get to it, but her name’s Foon. Podcast…oh, Foon, because Foon is famous in pod…that’s a famous thing in podcasts, or a podcast. Red 67 tickets…get to go to Earth. Come on, let’s go. But then we go to the bridge. There’s trouble on the bridge. Power…meteor shower…power’s going down to the shields; a meteor shower. Standard bionic…Red 67…this way. Doctor uses his fake pamphlet thing…psychic sonogram or whatever it’s called. I don’t know. Doctor pulls a fast one. Okay, London Town, UK, Wenceslas. Okay, here’s the game show info…Doctor sits down with them. They said, fancy dress. Then why are they laughing at us? Well, they’re just classist, ‘cause we won our tickets. Joofy Crystal; that’s the five husbands of Joofy Crystal. You ever watch Light of the Asteroid? Oh, the one with the twins?

 

Oh yeah, that’s it. Marvelous. So…then that’s when the Doctor sprays the rude people with champagne, which is funny. He says, I’m the Doctor. Nice to meet both of you. Red 67…that’s when bridge…meteors…no shields. Oh, maybe you’re gonna do a light show? What did I put…where did I put the guy’s name, the actor that he looks like? Oh, I almost had it. Okay, this dude knows nothing about Earth, which is pretty…pays off over it. She says…Doctor says you can come with me, Astrid. She says [inaudible]…he goes, you get to go see the brand new sky, a new sky. I’ll cover for you. London Town, UK. Ruled over by good King Wenceslas. They worship the great god, Santa, who…and his wife, Mary. Santa…I think it’s Santa Closs.

 

They go…they deal with turkeys…so, a little bit of Telephone, where the guy doesn’t totally under…Doctor’s like, where did you get this information from? He goes, I have a degree in Earthonomics. Now, stand by. So, we all go to Red 67. She used to work at the…worship Santa…she used to work at the space…oh, he’s…a Red 67. We meet Bannak…Banna…hold on. What’s your name? Bannakaffalatta. Bannakaffalatta. I think I got it right. I said it a ton of times when I was watching, but…okay, they get down to Earth. Just a street, Doctor says. Should be full of people. Oh, they say watch out; Boxing Day’s coming up. They also have a credit card so they can buy gifts undercover. Earth currency…but the street’s empty. Doctor says it should be packed. Then Astrid’s like, I love it here. Oh, it’s…don’t try…try the beef.

 

That’s what the guy says, the tour guide, or whatever. But Astrid says I love it. It smells, there’s alien shops; I’m on a different planet. Just like you would react, you know? I mean, I found it very relatable. It was funny ‘cause the Doctor couldn’t relate ‘cause the Doctor’s been on so many planets. London dressed up, London at Christmas. Them up above…then they meet a…we meet a newsperson…advertisement for carols in Camden. Queen stayed in her palace but everybody else left ‘cause of the past few holiday specials. Nothing to worry about, nothing to worry about. But then they get zipped back to the ship. Pom flex…free drinks? I don’t know what pom flex means, but the power of…oh, power flux. Free drinks…the Doctor asks what’s going on. There’s a meteor…he looks it up.

 

There’s the…oh no, we’re on the bridge. See, the meteor’s changing course. Shields; we gotta put them up. No, as you were. Oh, John Houseman; that’s who it is. He magnetizes the hull. What are you doing, a light show? Then there’s a live band singing Be With My Love on Christmas Day. I don’t know the actual name of that song, but that might be the name of it. Doctor smiles. We see a TV with Max ads on it. The Doctor hacks that. Max has a gold tooth that winks. Doctor checks the shields; the shields are down. Meteors are coming. He calls the bridge. You got no shields. Then all the people that work on the ship say come with me, sir. Step away. Panel all…me…all me. Doctor tries to make a moment but he get…tries his…says look out the windows.

 

Then Kid Bridge, John Houseman, says I’m taking over the bridge myself. Kid Bridge, you’re not…and…on the…you’re not Kid Bridge anymore. Check the shields, man. A rock comes through the window. I said, get me…I’d be like, get me off this ship now. Oh, we got oxygen sealed. Oh, I don’t care. If a rock from space came on here…you there? Bad news. Houseman chain? Doctor and friends. Oi, Stuart, the shields are down. Call Max Capricorn. Red alert. Big Buick sequence? There’s a big something sequence where the ship’s…’cause the ship starts getting bumped by asteroids. There’s even a little…yeah, a little action sequence. Everybody’s running around. Crash, boom. Trouble on ship. Angels wake up. Doctor’s got his glasses on. The angels line up on Deck 31, maybe? Looks like it.

 

Doctor says fingers…Doctor with…he’s with a group of people. Bannacavaletta…quiet…the rich guy…Astrid…Mr. Copper, who’s the steward of the…what do you call that when you work at a museum? Some dude that works on the ship…Doctor opens…oh, the guy goes don’t worry; I’ll open this door. I’ll go to the bridge…and it’s outer space, so that doesn’t…WTS…WTF. The Doctor seals that up. Rickson Sstone or something. Rickson Sloan. That’s the rude, rich guy. Total jerk. Yeah, I put it there. Ship overboard. His TARDIS is overboard, but it’ll go to wherever the Earth’s nearest gravitational pull…bit small, bit distant. Goes to Earth…nearest center of gravity. Angels host the elevator door? Oh, the angels are the hosts of the ship.

 

Something about elevator door, something effect…we play…oh, so the angels, they’re supposed to be information portals, I guess. You go up to it, you say hey, where do I get a drink? Where’s the restroom? They don’t really show them doing anything else, but they’re supposed to be information portals. All of a sudden they’ve been hacked or something by somebody else…Max Capricorn; spoiler. But they say, we’re…our only purpose now…this is so weird, but not for Doctor Who. They say our only purpose is to learn, to play…what is that game called? Ultimate Frisbee. The cool thing is that their angel halos are Frisbees. The bad thing is, they’ve never…they’re not human. They’re just robots. They’re very strong, but they’ve never played Frisbee before.

 

They just immediately start throwing their Frisbees, so that bumps people…gives people a bump. They say, I don’t like that. Stop throwing the Frisbees. But they don’t stop because they say we need to learn to play…and really good at Ultimate Frisbee. You’re it. They say, that’s not even how you play Ultimate Frisbee. Then they say, Deck 22 to Bridge. Hello, sailor. So, Doctor…the Doctor calls Kid Bridge. Stay calm; tell me your name. He says his name, but it’s…Kid Bridge is better. Engines are cycling down. Oh, that’s not good. So, fire up the engines. Oh, fire up the containment fields. Kid Bridge says, I don’t think that’s gonna work. He says, don’t worry about what’s gonna work, kid. People worry. Doctor calms them. 1B…he goes, here’s the…here’s what we’re gonna do; 1, then B, or 2, then 3, then 4, or D.

 

Then he says who…oh, who the heck are you? I’m the Doctor. I’ve been doing this for 903 years. I’m also a Time Lord, and…from Gallifrey. So, if you haven’t heard it…that’s…I think the rich guy says what qualifies you? Then allons-y…moon, ship, Earth, stars. Careful…spent of…spirit of Christmas. Good or…better be good for goodness sake. We’re gonna climb through the ship; 1. 2, B, we’re gonna go to the bridge. 3, C, we’re gonna save the Titanic. 4 or D…or IV and footnotes…something. I don’t know. Yeah, and then he says that…okay…good on…I’m a Doctor, I’m a Time Lord. We’re right at the right time…from Gallifrey, from the constellation of Kasterborous. I’m gonna save your behinds, and all six billion people on Earth, ‘cause if the ship crashed into Earth, no good. You got a problem with that?

 

The rich guy says no; allons-y. That’s A-L-L-O-N-S dash Y. Okay, we see the moon…we got some good dialogue coming up here. Oh, the TARDIS was in that shot, I think. Doctor goes through one door, sees the stairs are blocked…a lot of steam. Be care…better watch your step. Blocked…Balacalavatta…through the gap…tickets…talk…5,000 times…credits…hiding the phone bill. Oh, they say the human beings…yeah, the…you only get a gift if you’ve been good or bad. Doctor says that’s not true. It’s a time of peace and thanksgiving. But he goes oh, actually, my Christmases are always like this. I’m on the special…then they find a Host. They don’t know the Hosts are trouble, though. Strength of ten; we can use it to mend the rubble.

 

It ends up that the…they used to work in the milk factory or something on Sto, Foon and her husband. So, they’re blocked. Balacalavat…Bala…Bannakaffalatta. Bannakaffalatta. Bannakaffalatta. Go through the gap, see what you could do. We’ll follow you. There’s still a lot of shaking of the ship. Bannakaffalatta makes it, then Astrid goes. Let’s see, I want to see the couple talking about their phone bill, ‘cause that’s a nice, emotional moment. Real love and the spirit of Christmas. So, he says don’t worry, ‘cause the rich guy’s always making comments. But she goes, you know, this was my fault. The ticket…it was a 1-900 number or something. I never told you. I called the competition line 5,000 times. It’s 5,000 credits, which a pound is ten credits, so it’s a lot. 5,000 credits is $50 or $500,000. She goes, yeah.

 

Then he goes holy cow, that’s gonna take the rest of our lives to pay off. Then he laughs; he says well, we’re in a ridiculous situation here. Don’t worry. You know what’s important? I love you. That’s what’s important. Made a mistake. Yeah, twenty years we’d have to both work to get that money. But you’re not cross? It doesn’t matter right now. Look at us. Goes, I don’t half-love you, Miss Von Hoff. Get over here. They kiss and rub noses. There’s your spirit of Christmas right there. Then more acceptance and love. Bannakaffalatta is a cyborg. Turns out this…wherever the luxury liner’s from is anti-cyborg culture. They are working on equal rights, but not there yet. But Astrid’s like don’t worry, I won't tell anybody. So, he’s gotta get recharged, Bannakaffalatta. He says hey, what if we go out on a date?

 

I’d like to marry you. She goes, what if you buy me a drink after we get out of this? Then we are on the bridge…kitchen…oh, then we see the kitchen…there’s about fifty, sixty people on board, but the angels and the Hosts are trying to play…what do you call that? Ultimate Frisbee with everybody, which tires everybody out, so they can’t do anything. They’re stuck. Frisbee only. Repeat; Frisbee only. The Host…and then there’s action. Doctor wants to know what’s on Deck 31 or something. Not our only problem. One problem at a time, kid. Deck 31; nothing on there. Then they stop for a snack. Snack time. Looks good. 903…see me in the mornings, okay? Oh, this is a little romance talk. They talk about well, you should see me in the mornings, Doctor says. She says you look good for 903 years old. He goes, you should see me in the morning.

 

She goes okay, maybe I will. Christmas Day…merry Christmas…so, it’s past midnight on Earth. Space shuffles…oh, this is interesting. Let’s see where this is. This piece of dialogue here is coming up in a little bit. Oh, also the Host tried to…whatever. Not important. We missed it, but…tried to get…let me know…let’s get this engine’s…going. They’re having their snack now. Even Time Lords have to eat. Look good for 903. Yeah, they share a moment. Doctor; past midnight Earth time. The humans are gonna be doing their wild Christmas rituals. Merry Christmas. What’s this Christmas thing all about, anyway? Long story. I should know; I was there. I got the last room at the inn. Is he talking about…? Planet’s waking up. Can’t we single…signal them? No, they don’t have spaceships, but they have shuffles.

 

Oh, space shuffles. Mr. Cooper, where’d you get your Earthonomics degree? Then we got another piece of truth, honestly, at a laundromat. I’m not kidding. Let’s see, just between us…Miss Goalightly’s happily traveling univerisy and dry cleaners. So dry cleaners; not a laundromat. So you lied to the company to get the job? Yep. Wasted my life on Sto. I was a traveling salesman. Never had any savings. So, this is…yeah, nothing to show for it. He actually gets a wish; he says I’d like to retire, basically, or it sounded so cool. Exotic, man. How come you know Earth so well? Oh, well…the Doctor says…I’m into Earth. Yeah. I like it. Mr. Cooper says I’m gonna lose my job and worse, because I lied about my degree.

 

I say, talk about classist; if you lie about your degree, you get in…I mean, you get in real trouble, not just a little trouble, which is wild. Let’s see, so, where’s it from? Host knock at the door. They’re in a giant room with the steam engine. Lots of angels. We got a lot of big farming going on here, a lot of big farm visits. ‘Cause they say my Christmas wish is to change form. So first there’s a bridge. The rich guy goes over there. The Doctor…so then Foon’s husband is…it was so…I guess this is serious stakes. He says…he trips and goes to the big farm. The big engine…big engine. So, Foon’s obviously really upset. Rich guy goes over. Sorry, Foon. Hugs and tears. Bannakaffalatta is next, then Astrid, then Mr. Copper. Then Foon doesn’t want to go. The Doctor goes across ‘cause he has to unlock the door, but I’m coming back.

 

Then they’re on the bridge…careful. Then there’s quiet. Where have they gone? Then Mr. Cooper says…or Copper says by the way, angels have wings. So, the angels fly in, trying to play Frisbee, and…so, the only…and they say, you don’t even know how to throw these Frisbees. So, then they start playing Frisbee baseball, which isn’t even a thing…just to keep the Frisbees from bumping them. Then Bannakaffalatta does this cyborg EMP thing, reveals he’s a cyborg, sends out a EP…EMP, which if you’ve seen any movies with EMPs, it’s a thing…an electromagnetic pulse that short-circuits everything. Short-circuits all the angels, but I guess only temporarily, because one of the angels…most of the angels go down to the engine, the steam engine. But he used all his paper. Happy…too late…farewell. There’s piano music.

 

Copper says let’s take his EMP, though. There’s no more Hosts, but yeah, there is. Down…gets to the bottom. Why Earth? What is the plan? Three questions used. So, then another Host appears with the Doctor and is gonna Frisbee the Doctor, but Foon ropes the thing and they go…they take a quick trip to the big farm holiday party. ‘Cause I mean, she could meet up with her husband there, so it’s perfect. They say, let’s run and get outta SOS. Astrid’s…charge the EMP. Rickson gets service sensitive…oh, he gets the sonic screwdriver. Come on…gold…wireless charger. Oh yeah, the EMP charges wirelessly. I’m sort of unemployed. Could squeeze it…I don’t know. I’m afraid we forgot the traditions of Christmas. The angels have wings; that’s where the tape is. Copper’s saying that.

 

So, the angels show up; that’s when they’re playing baseball. Trying to find this wireless charging…I don’t know what the quotes are. Bannakaffalatta; they take his EMP. Foon takes care of the one angel that’s still bugging them. There’s still angels onboard, but Astrid…they got a charge…sixty seconds…a charge. Rickson gets to open the doors with the sonic screwdriver. Go, go, Doctor says. Okay, Mr. Cooper, I need you…oh, to get…put a Band-Aid on. Blue light comes on. It’ll beep when it’s charged. I’m not coming with you, though. I gotta go to Deck 31. What if you meet a Host? Well, I’ll just have some fun. Sounds like you do this kinda thing all the time. Not by choice. All I do is travel. Just a traveller. Imagine that; no tax, no bills, no boss. Just open sky. She says well, I’m unemployed. Maybe I could travel with you.

 

Could I? She asks him directly and she says even, I’ll take care of you. He says well, it’s not easy. I got no one back on Sto. Just me. Gives her a long look, but he has a smile on. What do you think, can I come with you? Yeah, there; he just turns his mouth. Yeah, I’d like that. Yeah. She smiles. The ship shakes. Time to move, though. Music…yeah, ship quake…Kid Bridge, he’s steering the ship. It actually has a steering wheel. But I don’t know, the engines aren’t working again or something, ‘cause the ship’s…no, the ship’s still…I mean, the ship’s in rough shape, I guess. Astrid and Rickson keep an eye on everybody…keep an eye on Mr. Copper. See you later. Then she goes, there’s a old tradition on planet Sto. Let me stand on a box. I’m gonna give you a kiss, big time.

 

Closed-mouth kiss, appropriate for…very old tradition, yes, but a nice one. Doctor heads off. See you later. Oh, yes. Doctor goes back across the bridge. Astrid, Copper, and Rickson are running. Everybody’s on stairs, there’s music…more Hosts, but Astrid EMPs them, which is impressive. Everybody’s impressed, jumping for joy. Four more down. Oh no, that’s later. The Doctor gets surrounded. Security protocol one, he knows. Yeah, that’s when he gets to ask questions. He goes, do I get to ask three questions, right? They said, that’s question one. Can we not count that question? Question two. Then he goes wait a second, I’m not a passenger. I’m a stowaway, so you should bring me to the figure of authority on Deck 31. Am I right? Brilliant. Take me to your leader. Always wanted to say that.

 

I’m not on record as a passenger, so, you gotta do that. You can’t play Frisbee with me because I don’t…I’m not a passenger. They say okay, I guess so. Kid Bridge seals the doors of the bridge. Wristbands…oh, Astrid sees the wristbands. He’s a little sad or something. Astrid sees the wristbands that teleport you to Earth. She gets an idea. Call the bridge. She calls the bridge; they…the guy says no, no, I can’t help you. She goes, I need to be teleported to 31. No, can’t do it. For the Doctor. He’s on his own. Giving you power…good luck. Then part of Deck 31 looks just…it’s…we’ve seen it already. It’s the…where they repair all the Hosts, but there’s a secret door that opens up to a shielded area. Dude comes out. First you see a car and then there’s a dude in there. He says my name is Max. His teeth even shine.

 

Doctor says yeah, I love your book, man; How Do Get Ahead in Business. He goes, what are you, the office joker? That’s what Max says to the Doctor. The Doctor says nice wheels, man. He goes, no one’s made me laugh in a while. Then again, they say…he goes, I’ve had to hide out because people dislike cyborgs. I’m a cyborg. Sign for…oh, there’s a nice sign for the lower deck. What’s gone wrong? Doctor does not understand. Oh, ‘cause he’s like, I don’t understand why you’re doing this, man. Crashing the Titanic; that’s counterintuitive. He goes, no interviews. The Doctor goes yes, no, yes. Then he figures it out. He goes oh, you’re a failure. You were voted out by your board. You’re out of business. Ren Haxico II…very fond of metal.

 

Oh, of metal, he says, like…it sounded a little bit like Doctor…like the Austin Powers pronunciation of it. Metal, he says. Just reminded me of that. Max is in a car that also has one of those big printers…like, steam coming out of it and everything. He goes, I never lose, man. Doctor calls him a loser. He says, I never lose. He goes, you can’t sink the Titanic. Oh, I am. Then he says by the way, I could just shut down the engines from my computer. I don’t know why I had to do this whole plan. Everybody goes yeah, that seemed a little bit much. Nose so clean now…two for me, and then I retire. So, he…basically he’s gonna be fine in his shielded chamber. Then he’s gonna get picked up; he’s gonna go retire. Two people are coming for me…to pick him up. He’s been run…he had to run his company by hologram for a while.

 

But yeah, he says let the Christmas disco inferno commence. But really, they’re gonna crash the Titanic and it’s gonna make everybody disco until they…too tired to play holidays. Then Astrid appears in a forklift, of all things. First she was scoping out the situation, then there’s big music; forklift action music, ‘cause there’s a forklift showdown. Her car and Max’s car do that thing where two cars push each other in the movies. Then all of a sudden they use a Frisbee to cut her brake lines, and then there’s slow-mo…super slow-mo soft focus on Astrid and the Doctor, because they say the best way to appreciate the holiday season is more characters from this episode to go to a holiday party in the big farm. So, Astrid and Max do that, which…that’s wild. Big farm…dark balshlar? The ship’s going down in slow-mo, too.

 

Doc…big farm something. To the beaches of Ben Haxico II. That’s where the dude’s retiring. Kid Bridge…there’s lots of yelling during the slow-mo with music playing, so you can’t hear the yelling. Copper and Rickson are yelling, but the Doctor does this slow walk where he’s frowning, his hands are out…action hero walk. Then he puts his hands out and he snaps, and these angels pick him up and they start flying upwards. I just realized a host of angels…they’re Hosts and they’re angels. They start flying upwards. They’re glowing…they put their hands above their heads, which…kinda like one of those superheroes when they fly. But then it makes sense, ‘cause they go through the floor of the bridge. They’re wearing gloves, too. Kid Bridge is there, and I think he says what’s the name of your family or your first name? He says Alonzo.

 

Allons-y, man. Perfect. Then there’s more action music and the Doctor’s at the helm of the ship. Here’s where Astrid says Mr. Capricorn, and she uses the forklift…the lights…she puts it in gear, puts her foot down to the floor. Pedal to the metal, man. That’s when she has a little show-off with Max Hedgerum, Max Capricorn, but then the angel, I guess purposefully, cuts the brake line. That doesn’t make sense ‘cause it doesn’t look like the brake line would be where it hit, but whatever. They go back and forth, then super slow-mo. No, the Doctor says. They get the zooms on their eyes and their faces…soft focus…she lifts up Max with the forklift and guns it. Different than Thelma and Louise, but…and the spirit of Thelma and Louise…in the spirit of Thelma and Louise.

 

Then the Doctor says, Astrid…oh, she even waves goodbye. Didn’t see that part. Then the Doctor breathes heavy, grinds his teeth a little. That must have been a break, ‘cause it faded, then the Titanic falling…voyage is over. Kid Bridge is running around the bridge, yelling. Ship’s shaking; he’s trying to steer it and press buttons, overwhelmed for sure. Rickson and Copper are hugging and holding onto the ship and each other. Ooh, very dramatic yelling from Kid Bridge. Almost looks like he’s singing. Then the slow-mo walk of the Doctor, sparks and stuff falling behind him. Head and shoulder shot…now a shot of him walking again, more sparks. Another shot of him, even closer, a head shot. Very determined. Now his arms are out. He says come here, with his hands.

 

Two angels take his arms…after he snaps, and they fly on eagles wings, bearing them on the something…before Earth’s dawn. There’s lots of yelling. Doctor takes the helm of the ship, but it looks like they’re doing reentry. He’s trying to pull at the helm. Lots more yelling. He calls for the Queen and they’re trying to say all is well. Queen was right to stay in…not in Gosford Park…Buckingham Palace. But now the Doctor says you gotta get outta there. So, her and her dog…she’s still in her bath robe. Code 771, by the way. If you ever have the same authority as the Doctor, it’s Code 771. The Newsie who’s still in London also says oh no, don’t you dare. But they do manage to pull up at Buckinham Palace and avoid the Buckingham Palace. Queen waves and says thank you, Doctor. Happy Christmas. Alonzo…so happy, Kid Bridge.

 

He rings the bell. Cheery music. Almost Mary Poppins-esque. The Doctor and Kid Bridge talk. Okay, you’re gonna have to…we’re getting picked up. They’re gonna be…we told them all about everything that happened. They believed it because it was so wild. They said the only person capable of this kind of wildness is Max Capricorn. The Doctor says I’m gonna take a couple of these teleports. But first…oh no, first he tries…he says, does this teleport thing still work? They say yeah, I think so. He goes oh, well, it’s a little bit like Willy Wonka-esque. They say oh, well, they keep your thing…I’ll…it’d be easier if I read it while it’s happening. So they say no, no, no…let’s get to that point. But basically the Doctor tries to bring Astrid back, ‘cause what he wants is not to be alone. The teleport…oh, short-circuits.

 

Mr. Copper, what’s the code? Okay, let’s do it. Yeah, if a passenger was on shore, their molecules are held in stasis. I think that’s probably how teleporting works. We could call her back. Halfway come back and then she short-circuits. Feedback with the molecule grid. Oh no, no, no. We need phase containment, surface suspension…override the safety. She’s gone, Doctor. I can do it, I can do it. Copper says let her go, man. She’s half…in half-form. Doctor kicks the machine. Stop me, I’m fall…catch me, I’m falling. Just like the song; Falling in Love. Doctor goes, there’s not enough time left. The system’s not working. She’s just atoms, Doctor. She’s got some memory. Other than that, she’s a echo. She’s stardust. Doctor goes, great call, bro.

 

Astrid Peth, citizen of Sto, the woman who looked at the stars and dreamt of traveling. Well, now you’re stardust. Then they just…lets her out the window. I guess…you got a open window on a spaceship? Not a great idea. Old tradition. Oh, he kisses her. I missed that all the times I watched the episode. I was too furiously writing. ‘Cause there’s a weird portrait of the spaceship in trouble behind them. Now you can travel forever. Your remote control opens the window and then she turns to stardust and goes out the window. Even Rickson is touched. You’re not falling anymore, Astrid. You’re flying. So, she goes out the window and everybody stares. A little moment. Then we see the Earth, we see the ship flying away again. Then we check back in. Oh, fades from the Earth to a globe. They say okay, great.

 

This is…oh, this is when we’re gonna get rescued. But then Mr. Copper says well, they’re gonna…I faked my degree, so, this is great; we get rescued and I get in trouble. He goes well, it’s too bad, but I guess I gotta do that. My own fault, but it doesn’t make…really sense that you get a ten for faking your thing. Then Rickson says Doctor, man, thank you so much. By the way, I sold all my stocks and I got super rich from this thing. What do you think of that? The Doctor is not happy about that. But Copper puts that in perspective. He goes yeah, you don’t get to choose, Doctor. Not fair, but probably for the best. ‘Cause if you were choosing, what would that make you? Then he goes, Mr. Copper, what do you think about me and you heading to Earth? Here’s a wristband. Then they start to teleport out.

 

Kid Bridge gives them a salute. They arrive on Earth. The snow’s falling. The guy goes, what am I gonna do here, though, I guess? The Doctor goes, you got that car…credit card? He goes, yeah. He goes, it’s got a million bucks on it. You got Great France, Great Germany…he goes no, it’s France and Germany. Only Britain’s Great. It’s a little…he goes, Hamerica. That’s another continent; Hamerica. He goes, TARDIS made it. That’s great. Copper goes, I didn’t even think the snow is real. Maybe it’s the ballast from the Titanic. Yeah, I’d say don’t stick your tongue out, in that case. Goes, one of these days it might snow for real, the Doctor says. Well, suppose you’ll be off. Yeah. Then he says yeah, don’t worry; the credit card, bro. That’s a lot of pressure, though, not to lose it. But I think you could probably get on there online.

 

Copper seems to know his way around a computer pretty well. He says, a million pounds, eh? That could buy a…I could live the rest of my life. This is great. I’ll get a nice little cottage. I guess that’s five million credits or fifty million credits. Fifty million credits. It’s like…right now, I think 1.15…1.1…150 in US. Goes oh, wow, that’s nice. I finally get to retire. He goes yeah, you got your Christmas wish, bruh. Consider me Santa Claus. Oh my word, oh my goodness me. He’s really happy. Goes, tell you what; you grow a beard. Cheers, planet Earth. Now that’s a retirement plan. Oh, I will, buddy. No interfering. I don’t want any trouble, okay? Just enjoy your life. Goes yeah, I’ll have a proper garden and a door. Always wanted a door, man. Always wanted a door. I’ll make you proud, Doctor. He gives the Doctor a hug. Doctor smiles.

 

Kitchen with chairs and plates. He runs off into the snow. Doctor pauses. Where are you going? No idea. Doctor unlocks the TARDIS. Me neither. But Doctor, I won't forget her. Doctor nods. There’s a slow zoom out as he looks at stars in space. He sees a shooting star, knows it’s Astrid. Mr. Copper’s skipping. He goes, merry Christmas, Mr. Copper. He’s really…oh wow, he’s dancing off. Then the TARDIS dematerializes, and that’s it. The episode comes to a close. So, a pretty great episode. Happy holidays whenever you listen to this, or however you celebrate or whenever the…happy whatever if you listen to this any other time of the year. I mean, I think the things were…these are year-long lessons anyway, so thanks, thanks, and goodnight.

 

[END OF RECORDING]