1114 – Edge of Space Candy | Nuns in Space S3 E7

Notable Language:

• Spreadsheet Brain
• Geographic FOMO
• An Impossible Apple Bob

Notable Culture:

• The Simpsons
• Knight Rider TV Show
• Meat Loaf

Notable Talking Points:

• Have there ever been Pizza Flavored Scratch and Sniff Stickers?
• Small Town Boredom Displeasure
• You look more like a fabric cutter than a pizza cutter

Episode 1114 – Edge of Space Candy | Nuns in Space S3 E7

 

[START OF RECORDING]

 

SCOOTER:    Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s time for the podcaster…you know, here’s a thing — this is the truth; it’s time for a podcast you…I don’t know anything…I don’t understand hair conditioner and I know people are gonna laugh at that.  Hair conditioner; I don’t quite get it.  I conditioned my hair today and it’s kinda in my face, and I only do it every once in a while ‘cause I say I’m supposed to be doing this every once in a while, huh?  But then I’m like, but I’m not supposed to overdo it.  But I don’t bother to Google it.  I think it’s softer.  It is moist…I’m not kidding, I’m not kidding at all.  People are gonna think I’m making this up or just doing a bit.  Is it like moisturizing your skin?  I mean, I guess it’s a real thing ‘cause it’s been around for so long.

 

Otherwise I’d say is that…I don’t know, something that you’re supposed to do all the time but then you say, do we really need it?  But here’s the thing; let’s start a talk.  If you’re a regular listener…’cause if you’re new, you’re like, what did I tune into?  But my hair really is…it’s in my face.  I mean, but I say well, it’s kinda soft, so it’s not bad.  Just different.  When was the last…?  Great question.  The last time I conditioned my hair before today was accidentally four days ago ‘cause I thought…I was at my parents’ guest bathroom and I thought it was shampoo.  So instead of washing my…that’s probably giant hair.  I didn’t even wash my hair; I just condition…I said well, I’ll just condition it, I guess.  It wasn’t until after I had rubbed it in, ‘cause I did say it’s strange; they have two things of shampoo in here.

 

Oh, ‘cause the bottle didn’t…wasn’t clear.  Nothing’s clear here, and if nothing’s clear here to you, you’re in the right place, ‘cause it’s time for Sleep With Me, the podcast that’s here to keep you company and take your mind off of stuff so you could fall asleep, because you deserve a good night’s sleep.  I’m so glad you’re here.  This show is really here to keep you company so you feel less alone in the deep, dark night.  If you’re new, it does take a few times to get used to the show.  It’s very different, and I’ll talk more about that coming up in the intro, but I’m so glad you’re here, ‘cause you deserve a good night’s sleep.  I’m here to try to help, and I appreciate you checking the show out.  Thanks for making it possible, patrons.

 

INTRO:    [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing?  Trouble getting to sleep?  Trouble staying asleep?  Well, welcome.  This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  We do it with a bedtime story.  Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out your lights, and press Play.  I’m gonna do the rest.  What I’m going to attempt to do is to create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts, things you’re thinking about on your mind, thoughts about the past, the present, the future, thoughts, it could be feelings, anything coming up for you emotionally or that’s there, anything you’re going through or dealing with, though most of the time with my feelings, I feel like they’re the ones doing the dealing, and they’re sending me out for…that’s a mild version of sending me out for errands or something.

 

So, could be feelings, could be physical sensations, changes in time or temperature or routine, you could have something coming up, you could be traveling or have guests.  Whatever it is that’s keeping you awake, I’d like to take your mind off it and keep you company so that you could fall asleep.  The way I’m gonna do that is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night.  I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones and pointless meanders and superfluous tangents, which means my voice is not traditionally soothing and I get mixed up a lot of times, and I don’t get to the point.  I go on and on and on.  But it’s all to keep you company so that you could fall asleep, because here’s the thing — I said it at the top of the show — you deserve a good night’s sleep whether this podcast works for you or not.

 

If it doesn’t, sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou…but give it a few tries.  That’s what most listeners…regular listeners say, but I also want you to know not only do you deserve a good night’s sleep, a place you could rest and get comfortable, a bedtime you could feel neutral about or look forward to, you also deserve the sleep you need so that your life is more manageable, that you could flourish, and I hope Sleep With Me can make that possible for you.  The other thing is the show is about keeping you company in the deep, dark night, as we say, ‘cause there’s a lot of people listening, and while not everyone might not know exactly what you’re going through or have experienced it, a lot of us know how it feels, or someone out there can probably relate to how you feel about it, like listening right now.

 

So, when I say you’re not alone, that’s what I mean.  I’m here to keep you company with my voice, but the spirit of the show runs way deeper than that.  It’s a shared thing.  So, those are a couple things to know.  What I’ll do, I said, is send my voice across the deep, dark night.  This is a podcast you actually don’t listen to or you kinda barely listen, or listening is optional.  There’s no pressure to listen and no pressure to fall asleep.  So, some people are listening, and you could listen to the show to the very end or listen to it during the day when you need a break, but you could also turn it down to a mumble or have me under a pillow or whatever.  I’m here to keep you company and take your mind off of stuff, not for…to impress you.

 

If my job was to impress you, other than with pointless meanders and superfluous tangents, I’d be…I don’t know, that…it’s just like okay, that’s counterintuitive to Sleep With Me.  So, I can impress you with going on, making no sense, and never getting…you say wow, that’s impressive, your ability…and I mean, people have said that, in some sense; your ability to talk about nothing is very…what was I…?  Never mind, I fell asleep.  So, yeah, it’s a podcast you don’t really listen to.  It also doesn’t put you to sleep.  I’m here to keep you company while you fall asleep, to be your bore-friend, your bore-bae, your bore-sib, your bore-cuz, your bore-bestie, your bore-bor, your neigh-bore, your bore-bruh, your bore-friend in the deep, dark night, to keep you company whether you’re awake or asleep, ‘cause there’s people who can’t sleep, and I’ll be here to the very end, but I’ll also be here to the very end if you don’t listen to me.

 

There’s people that listen all night long, there’s people that listen on sleep timers, there’s people that don’t start the show ‘til they wake up at 2:00 in the morning, but I’m here to keep you company and say you could fall asleep whenever.  I’ll be here taking your mind off of stuff and you just drift off.  So, no pressure to listen, no pressure to fall asleep.  Those are two things that are hard to get used to.  Also, it does take a few tries to get used to the show in general, and that doesn’t come from me.  That was news to me, actually, when people started to give me that feedback over the years, but I’ve gotten some biggest pieces of feedback I’ve ever gotten, other than I strongly dislike you.

 

That’s the number-one piece of feedback I get, but those people move on too, hopefully to sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou, and then they’re sleeping soundly somewhere else, which is great…but that it took me two or three tries to get used to the show.  Sometimes, believe it or not, the reason I laugh is those two things come in concert with the…each other.  There’s significant people I heard from that said at first I strongly disliked you.  Then I heard about your show a few more times and then I listened again; I said oh, you don’t…the show never gets started and you’re not…your charm is in your lack of charm.  I never…okay.  I didn’t realize it at first.  Or they said jeez, my life changed and now…my sleeping was different and so…but it does…just see how it goes.  That’s the great thing.

 

Nowadays there’s plenty of other sleep podcasts for you to check out.  Mine’s the one that doesn’t…makes the least amount of sense, I guess, and I’m here to keep you company and just take your mind off of stuff, like I’m on-call.  So, those are things I’m…most people…takes a few tries, don’t listen to me, no pressure to fall asleep.  You can listen to me, though.  Oh, structure of the show and why…the hows and the…so, the structure of the show is very specific too, and you can adjust it as you become a regular listener, but if you’re new, I just want to give you this info.  The show starts off with a greeting; friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls.  Then I say some other stuff.  That’s so you say okay, I feel welcomed into this podcast.  I’ll check it out.  Then there’s support for the show.

 

That way it’s like a restaurant where most people don’t have to pay for the food.  You say whoa boy, that’s great.  Yeah, the support from other listeners or the people that support the sponsors mean the show can come out for free twice a week for everybody.  So you say, just…yeah, just go ahead and listen.  So, that’s what the sponsors enable us to do and the support, then there’s support for listeners, support for communities and stuff we’re invested…then there’s support for communities around the show, and then there’s an intro, and the intro…when people don’t…they have strong feelings about stuff, then they lump the intro and the support together, but the intro is a show within a show that serves a specific…a couple specific purposes.

 

It introduces the show to new listeners in a inefficient way, but it also is…gives you some distance, some twilight, a buffer, a wind down between being awake and asleep.  So, the intro isn’t really here to put you to sleep.  Some people do fall asleep during the intro, but for the majority of people, the intro is about getting ready for bed, doing something else relaxing or getting in bed getting comfortable and winding down and saying oh, there’s my bore-friend again talking about something that’s…that…it’s…Scooter…what Scooter talks about never adds up.  I’m using the wrong formula in a spreadsheet and I say, I don’t even know what that symbol…so I have to put equal first?  What’s that other thing?  Okay.  You have to put Sum.  You can’t just put ‘add it up’.  Sum.  Oh, sum; S-U-M.  Okay.

 

You know what?  Forget…yeah.  How can…what is…total?  Okay.  Oh, sorry, I was having a conversation with my spreadsheet brain there.  Got a little distracted.  So, oh, structure of the show.  So, that’s the intro, and…oh yeah, so some people fall asleep, some…like, 2% of people skip it.  For most people, it eases you into bedtime.  Then there’s support between the intro and the show, again so the show could be free, then there’s the show.  Tonight will be a episodically modular seasonal episode of our series Nuns in Space, and it’ll be…every episode…it’s not 100% standalone, but you’ll be able to catch up.  We’ll catch you up on everything.  So, if it’s your first episode, don’t worry, it’ll be nice.  It has a soda machine and I think this one takes place in a pizza parlor, though I’ll probably call it a pizza shop or something.

 

I’ll probably forget.  Pizza parlor’s nice, though.  I wonder if anyone took out their…in their home and they said oh no, this…what room is this?  Oh, this is my pizza parlor, because…I mean, I guess then you’d probably feel…I guess if you were…you had a lot of rooms, it would make sense, ‘cause I only eat pizza on Fridays, that I make at home.  Not that you would make the pizza in the room.  My only reasoning there is that it would…then it would…the room would be too warm for me to be in.  But it’s like, oh, this is the room where we enjoy pizza.  Or it could be…you’re right, I hear people saying this; it could just…it could have nothing to do with consuming or cooking pizza.  It could just be a pizza-themed parlor.  Or what about this idea?

 

Now, this will…some people won't know what this is, but hopefully one day you’ll discover it; there used to be scratch-and-sniff stickers.  So, it’d be a sticker you put on something and you scratch it and it would smell like something, and there was pizza ones.  I don’t know what they smelled like, ‘cause you say well, what does pizza smell like?  I know it when I smell it, right?  But what if the room was covered in…?  That was the only thing I was thinking of, like pizza-flavored…wasn’t there…was that in Willy Wonka where they licked the wallpaper or is that just some sort of dream I had?  I’m not kidding, either.  Was there a Willy…was there a part of Willy Wonka where they had lickable wallpaper?  My brain just walked out.  It said no.  It’s shrugging its shoulders.  I’m like, I don’t know, I’m picturing people licking wallpaper.

 

I say yeah, it’s probably from…you probably…I say you’re right, I probably did do it.  So, pizza parlor, eh?  So, that’ll be later on.  So, that’s the structure of the show.  It ends with some thank-yous and goodnights.  So, give the show a few tries.  See how it goes.  You got nothing to lose.  I’m here to keep you company and take your mind off of stuff, and…yeah.  So, I’m glad you’re here.  I really appreciate you coming by.  I work really hard, I yearn and I strive, and I really hope I can help you fall asleep, and here’s a couple of ways we’re able to do it for you for free twice a week.

 

Alright everybody, it’s Scoots here.  Welcome to our episodically modular series, Nuns in Space.  It’s a story…episodically modular means you can listen to it in any order.  Believe it or not, this is a little inside info; I recorded two openings for this episode because I was…had a lot on my plate and I didn’t realize I recorded…so, I don’t know which opening you heard.  Whichever one is less…more seasonal, you’ll probably hear that one.  But may…I don’t know.  Both these episodes are coming out in the autumn anyway, but you can listen to them in any…it might not be autumn where you are, of course, but it could be autumn and you could be on the other side of the globe.  You’re in the right place whether your toilet goes clockwise or counterclockwise.  The only place I learned that was on the Simpsons.

 

Where was…?  Oh, I’m trying to introduce our pod…or, no, the episodically modular series Nuns in Space.  It’s about…it technically is called Nuns in Space, and there are nuns in outer space in a spaceship, though they aren’t the main characters.  They’re the nuns from my childhood and they’re in a spaceship.  I am their only crew member, and part of my…as their crew member, my job is to work for them, but that is not the main…that’s not even…that’s only a small part of the story.  It’s one of the episodically modular modules where I…that’s just part of each episode so far; I help the nuns with some sort of issue on their ship.  For an example, if it was a commercial on TV and they spilled a fruit drink and they’d say, we need something to pick this up quick, I would find whatever it is that’s…that would pick it up quick.

 

Probably on a spaceship you wouldn’t use paper towels.  No offense to the big paper out there.  You’d probably…I don’t know, would you, though?  ‘Cause…please…maybe we shouldn’t go in outer space, ‘cause you’d say well, just shoot it out the airlock, man.  I’d say yeah, but probably would use a rag and then wash the rag.  I don’t know if they got ultrasonic…you know, just hang it outside the ship.  This is why they don’t…that’s why they won't let me in space.  But so, that’s part…but the main character on the show is Stan, a sentient soda machine…a freestyle soda machine in body or physical form, but more than that; a hero in space, and I am Stan’s sidekick, separated from Stan each episode, because I’m on the…a ship with the nuns from my childhood.

 

Stan, each episode, in a very procedural way…and mysteriously, Stan…this is a part of the story you don’t hear, but mysteriously, Stan will come to realization on a planet that it’s facing some sort of issue that Stan can help with.  Stan has some sort of cosmic powers but is kind of unaware of the powers and in some sort of loop where Stan just…he doesn’t really come to, but he’s like wait a second, I’m…oh, okay, here’s where I am, here’s the situation.  Let’s just say the…this is not one of those episodes, but Stan realizes oh, there’s parents; they went away for a two-week vacation.  They did leave the keys to a brand-new Porsche and Stan would say hey, Fresh Prince, probably not a good idea to drive that car.  Problem solved.

 

Let’s go ride bikes and chew some gum together and maybe buy some…or go buy gum and have ice cream cones.  So, that’s not…it’s not that simple, though.  So, Stan is stuck in some sort of loop.  Oh boy, this could take the whole episode.  It won't, though.  But Stan also needs help, so my job or Scooter’s job is to get from the ship…the spaceship with the nuns to Stan to help, ‘cause there’s something else going on behind the scenes.  We don’t understand it.  But if I help the nuns successfully, usually I can…it creates some sort of ripple in time and space that I can get to Stan to help Stan resolve Stan’s problem.  But then it all happens again.  Stan doesn’t remember anything; neither do the nuns.  I do remember stuff in the story, the character that’s strongly influenced by me.

 

Fictional, though, by the way, the character in the story.  That’s why he’s so dashing.  But…that cracked me up.  My brain comes up with these zingers.  Yeah, he’s too competent, the fictional version of you.  But he does…what was my point?  Now I got interrupted.  But so, I end up trying to help Stan.  I do kind of remember stuff, but I’m not the best at remembering things, even in a fictional comp…when I’m dashing and competent, I tend to forget stuff.  So, that’s basically it.  We’re in outer space, which could be anywhere, you know.  That’s kind of a general term.  There’s a sentient soda machine, big…with the biggest heart named Stan, in a worlds…in worlds, trying to help improve situations.  I go there, try to help Stan, but first I have to help the nuns.

 

It’s all to help you to sleep, but I couldn’t do any of this without the help of a Hollywood announcer named Mr. Antonio Banderas.  The ladies, the gentlemen, the boys, the girls, the friends beyond the binary, it’s time for Nuns in Space.  [WHOOSHING NOISE] Yeah, space.  Thanks, Antonio.  Antonio, by the way, if you never heard this before, Antonio drives up from Los Angeles just to record this, because Antonio loves…for the love of sleep, right?  Usually when you’re…sometimes when you get frustrated with me, you say for the love of something under your breath.  But I’m imagining what you really mean is I’m dealing with the for love of whatever frustration Scooter’s putting in my path and growth opportunities, because of…for the love of sleep.

 

Really, we could get to the…usually when I say for the love of something under my breath, it’s disempowering, but now you’ve shown me, Antonio, that if I have a power under that…in your case the love of sleep or other people…I mean, I think even below it, you say for the love of sleep.  You really just love people.  Once again, a shining example of everything except remaining perfectly quiet during a recording session without moving, not even a mouse or whatever that story goes.  Not even a peep, not even a mouse.  The stockings were hung…that’s in the holidays, but not even a peep or something.  But anyway, that’s…oh, you want…?  I do love people.  I do love sleep.  I will try not to make a peep.  Yeah.  Thanks.  That was…was that…?  No, it was not a poem.  I mean, it was a poem; it wasn’t the kind of poem you’re talking about, Scooter.  Thanks, everybody.  This is Nuns in Space and that was Mr. Antonio Banderas.

 

Hey, pen pal, it’s me, Stan.  Pen pal, I’m in a pickle again, so hoping Scooter somehow hears this, and I don’t even know what I mean when I say I’m in a pickle again.  It feels like every time I talk to you, I don’t remember talking to you, other than that I was in a pickle and also feel frustrated with Scooter, which…I mean, that’s kind of…since we’ve been working together.  But I could really use some help, pen pal.  I don’t know how I got here.  I’m not exactly sure where I am, other than everyone that’s here feels like they’re in the…wish…a large number of the people that are here have some sort of geographic FOMO where they feel like they’re living on the edge of nowhere or in the middle of nowhere.  I thought that…I’ve learned the limits of my being edgy, because I thought that I would help things by being edgy.

 

It’s not really in…being edgy’s not in the nature of a soda machine, it turns out, pen pal.  Okay, so who…you know who I am, pen pal; otherwise…I mean, these messages, only you can Scooter can listen to them anyway.  But who am I and how did I get here, and where…?  So, I’m in a pizza shop or a pizza parlor.  I don’t know what pizza parlor means.  I guess this is…it’s…feels like a soda…it’s a place…I mean, this would be pretty nice, pen pal, where teens…other people come here to hang out and eat pizza and drink soda.  Great news.  I don’t have…I’m having trouble with my geography, but it does seem like these are very similar to human mammals on this planet, so we could be…I don’t think I’m on Earth, though, pen pal.  But who knows?  Maybe Earth 4.  Who knows?

 

But…or Earth…places that Earth got…Earth influenced or Earthlings have moved here.  It’s not important.  That’s the only…that’s the situation.  Even if I’m on Earth…I hope I’m not, pen pal, by the way, unless Scooter can come help me solve things, because I’m actually the soda machine for this shop, so I’m not really…I’m bolted to the floor, which is…that’s frustrating.  I feel like I shouldn’t be bolted to the floor, but I guess if I was the owner of the pizza shop, who does shine me with a rag…a lot of times the rag’s not the cleanest, pen pal.  But we’re on a planet.  Okay, we’re somewhere — it doesn’t matter — where everybody feels…for the most part, especially…well, the people I’m dealing with the most, which are teens…teenage, probably…maybe Earth humans; they feel like they’re…so, this…’cause the thing is, pen pal, some space stations had these throwback places, so I’m not sure.

 

I could be on a…I just don’t want to assume, but I keep speculating ‘cause that’s part of…when you’re a soda machine and you’re bolted to the floor and you’ve become sentient, you do a lot of speculating.  Okay, so the good things; I’m a soda machine.  I work…it seems like a nice place.  There’s teens here.  Things were going okay.  I mean, teens aren’t great all the time, but they…the owner’s keeping…he says no, no, no; don’t rock the soda machine, or whatever.  Please, you’re welcome to eat…it’s…those are normal ups and downs with teens, right?  Which I can handle.  Like I said, everybody has the sense they’re on the edge of nowhere.  I guess I’m going off-topic like Scooter.  So, I’m in a pizza shop where teens hang out, and things were mostly going well.

 

I mean, I can be great…which means not perfect, and we’re in a sleepy…whatever, where people consider…I mean it just in a pizza shop.  I don’t know where else I am.  I’m positioned in a place where the windows…there’s…anyway, they can just see…it doesn’t matter.  So, a group of teens hang out here.  Mostly there’s a core group of regulars and it can be dull, but it can be interesting.  One of the things was they like drinking soda, so I debated talking to them, ‘cause I was listening…I’ve been listening in.  But then it’s like, well, what advice am I gonna give them?  Then I was feeling like I wished I was a teen and I could be involved, and trying to speculate of well, if I start talking to them…I never talk to the owner.  Where’s Scooter?  That comes up every fifth sentence.  Where am I?  Why am I here?

 

What am I supposed…am I supposed to wait?  Is Scooter coming?  But I was…honestly, pen pal, I was trying to work up the courage to talk to the teens, and then one day…I don’t know, I guess I went into…I go into sleep mode.  I came to and there was this new display.  They removed some of the booths and it was this giant motor…like a motorcycle but made out of…it had…one, it had pizza cutters for wheels, and there was something else about it.  It didn’t look like it was made from metal, but it was called the Edgemaker 2000.  I guess it was to…I think it was a sponsored thing from one of the companies that supplies stuff in a raffle.  You could win the…a…not that version.  Obviously you’re not gonna go anywhere on a vehicle that has pizza cutters for wheels, but there was something strange about it, pen pal.

 

Then some time passed.  Teens were speculating, they were looking at it, but then it just became another passive thing in the background.  Then later, not that long ago…and I guess this is where my own feelings come in; there was a new kinda screen box on the…between the handlebars that started to talk to the teens, only when it thought the owner wasn’t around, or any adults.  At first I just started making small talk, but always the small talk would lead to a sense of dissatisfaction of being in the middle of nowhere.  All roads…if you rode with this motorcycle with pizza cutter wheels, it would talk in a way that…it was very seductive and cool, but it created displeasure and reminded them oh, this is so boring, you’re right.  Or it would ask questions, like does this town have a double Ferris wheel?

 

Well, only at the county…that’s just a made-up question, but stuff like that.  Oh, wow, where do you get your clothes?  They’d say whatever.  Then oh, okay, ‘cause…does that all…not directly…and then it even said stuff about me, like what kind of soda machine is that?  That looks more like a soda device.  Stirring resentment for being in the middle of nowhere, quotey quotes.  Then the teens would whisper about the Rider of the Night or something, and this podcast, and that it was like the Rider of the Night.  Then the bike even started sending the teens out on quests, to say hey, I don’t know if you have any of this…I heard this town has this kinda crystal, a glowing crystal.  Never heard of it.  Oh, you gotta go out and find it.  Then the teens said well, why?

 

Then the bike said well, I have a secret power; I’m not just the…they don’t just call this bike the Edgemaster 2000.  Then the teens…but the bike had been listening, or the device or whatever.  It said well…oh, yeah, well…so, it was using this Rider of the Night.  I guess it was something the teens were familiar with, like some sort of talking car.  But it said I have powers beyond your understanding to help you fix your problems and fix the whole universe.  You’re not the only ones going through this.  You’re going through a universal teen experience, and I can fix it for everyone forever and you’ll be remembered forever.  It said, but you gotta go get those crystals.  Then the teens said they got the crystals, and it said okay, good.  Now you have to go get this sort of liquid.  I don’t know.

 

Then the teens said well, what is your power?  At first it said…well, it said it, and I realized there’s some sort of power…this is where I said there’s something strange going on.  It said I can…yeah, I can’t…I’m not…these wheels aren’t just for cutting pizza.  I could cut a edge in the entire universe.  Everybody thought the bike was speaking metaphorically, but then it said no, no, no, it…so, that took a while, of the bike…that was not a strong suit of the bike, because the teens said well…but anyway, this gets caught up in me, because finally, as the bike kept coming back to the dis…well, here’s the solution; we’ll just cut…if you’re out on the edge, what you need is more edge.  The teens got that.  I guess that’s a message the teens got.  I said…I had to speak up, finally.

 

I said first of all, it’s not possible to cut a edge in the universe.  Despite what you say, that’s a ridiculous idea.  Then the bike started pooh-poohing me and saying oh boy, there’s Grandmother Soda Machine.  Knows everything about science.  I guess you don’t know about metaphysical powers, or something.  I said, what?  It said yeah, I can cut an edge in the universe using dark…neutrinos or dark matter.  I don’t know, pen pal.  My processing is not…I feel like being bolted to the floor makes me process less.  But I mean, I understood that part, is that it can…it says it’s gonna cut a hole, an edge, around the universe, and that then everybody would be living on the edge.  Then I said okay, so let’s say that you could cut a edge in the universe.  That’s not a good…that would be…that eventually everything would go over…where’s the edge?

 

You said yeah, fine…it’s a place where there…matter no longer exists.  I said to the teens, see that?  They said yeah, that makes…then they said yeah, that’ll make it exciting, man.  That would give mean…maybe our whole world has lost its sense of meaning.  It kept going with this, and I said can’t you see this isn’t a good…did you tell your parents about this cutting an edge in the universe?  So then I tried a different tactic, pen pal, because I said well, this is not gonna work, going head-to-head with this Edgemaster 2000, ‘cause…oh, coming up…no, they don’t celebrate Halloween, but they were kinda familiar with it.  I said well, you don’t celebrate Halloween.  Don’t you know the idea of tricks?  Tricks or treats.  They said, tell us about the tricks.  I said oh, carving a jack-o-lantern or doing stuff like that.

 

But that didn’t appeal…other than this, pen pal, they TP’d me.  So, I’m covered in TP.  From the…yeah, TP, like toilet paper.  They’re still planning on cutting…use…getting all the materials this bike needs, which now I’m realizing whatever these raw materials are and my ominous sense of the bike is that it’s not a motorcycle; it is some sort of cosmic thing that…they are…so, Scooter, if you can hear me, I’m trying to get ahold of you.  I’m covered in toilet paper.  Scooter, I’m covered in TP.  I could use some help.  Okay, Stan, are you…?  Stan, did you say…teen…are you singing a song, like Teenage Dream?  Tea leaves?  I don’t know.  Stan, why are you…?  Oh, I was having a dream where you were talking to me through a toilet paper kazoo.  Toilet paper tube kazoo.  It didn’t make any sense.  Okay, Sisters, I hear you.

 

I’m coming to the…hi, Sisters.  Reporting for duty.  Right away, Sisters.  What do you need me to do?  Oh, you’re having a Halloween party?  Really?  Okay.  Oh, right here on the bridge.  Okay.  Oh, no, I wouldn’t assume I’m invited.  Thank you for…so you need me to decorate; okay.  Okay, so I’ll just go to the decoration storage area and get the decorations?  Okay.  Okay, so I’ll go get those decorations.  I didn’t even know we had them.  I didn’t know…interesting.  Okay, so I’m gonna head to this…hey, pen pal.  I’m glad you’re listening.  Going to get some dec…oh, hi, Sister.  You’re coming with me?  Oh, you’re leaving the other two sisters behind?  Oh, you had a question for me.  Sure, go ahead.  What can I help you with?  Oh, you need some advice on a costume.

 

Okay, well, I’m just collecting…I’m gonna be decorating, so what…you don’t have any ideas for a…oh, you gotta make your own costumes, huh?  Okay, well, let me see.  What would be the perfect…?  So, Sister, as well as I know you…oh, it has to be…oh, it’s a…oh, it’s like a…with other…you’re gonna be in communication with other people?  Oh, so it’s a contest.  Oh, just between the three of you.  Okay, well, I would say from remembering our days together when I was a young lad, Sister, I think there was…I remember you had some sort of thing which you would use to make the grades.  It was like a paper calculator.  But I always thought it was the answer key, but I’m thinking that maybe there’s a pun you could put together.  Like, maybe one of those things that you would…you could be an answer key.

 

So, that way it would…’cause you’re the most…you were always the most mysterious.  So, it’s…I don’t know.  So, answer key.  Okay, so that’s all you need.  Great, Sister.  I’m so happy to help.  I’m just gonna get the rest of these decorations.  Oh, hi, Sister.  No, yeah, the other…yeah, your sister was here.  Oh, good to be alone with you.  Great.  Yeah, nothing like…is there something I can help…?  Oh, you need a costume idea.  Oh, tell…for a Halloween costume contest?  Okay.  You know, what I was thinking would be a great one for you, Sister, is…it is…you could be…do you have any…?  Okay, of one of your students…well, what about an animal version of your student, like how they…you could capture…an animal that captures how your students…you want them to feel.

 

Like something…I’m thinking something with a shell, something that…oh yeah, a turtle.  Yeah, that is how I felt, as one of your students.  Yeah, but you don’t tell them.  You’re a turtle but you’re so much more.  You’re a spiritual…you make me feel like a spiritual…you spiritually make me feel like a turtle, is what the message you’re…so, I think that’s a good costume, Sister.  Okay, great, I’m gonna bring…I’ll see…you’re gonna go to your…okay, you’re gonna go work on your costume.  I’m gonna bring these to the…and start decorating.  Hi, Sister.  Yeah, the other sisters are…yes, off doing some stuff.  I’m just gonna be decorating here, putting up these C-A-Ts and pumpkins and…yeah.  You look like you’re thinking about something.  Oh, you need a…you need to win the Halloween contest, eh?  Yeah.  Oh, you need help.

 

Well, you were the one that always talked about being saintly, right, Sisters?  Sister Saintly; wasn’t that…oh no, that was your nickname, Sister.  Means you’re the most saintly of all the sisters.  Yeah, so…huh.  So, I guess this is an out-of-the-box idea, Sister, and it probably will win the contest just because my brain has been thinking of costumes, for some reason, and you just got lucky by being the last person to ask for help.  But I was thinking of…you’re having a party; part of parties, especially at schools, once upon a time, was apple bobbing, right?  But what if we made an apple bob that was impossible?  Around your waist, like…or you could…you could actually do it, but you would wear it.  Why?  Great question, Sister.  Well one, make sure we have waxed, really big apples.  That’s part one, with the toughest skin possible.

 

Real apples, though, but the…that food moderator can do it.  Okay, then we make sure we have a deep vat, a deep basin so you can’t touch the bottom of the basin.  I think if it’s on suspenders, that would have a little give to it.  So, it’d make it even harder to touch the bottom.  Like, you could even pull it down a little if somebody’s…but I think at the angle…if you were wearing it around your waist…again, it would have to be watertight.  Yeah, Sister.  But so, that way…and we put a pool noodle around the out…inside of the outside rim, because the other strategy you would do is get it under your chin and then use the wall of the rim to hold…yeah, and then you’d bite into the apple.  But if a pool noodle’s there, you’d…it’d be harder ‘cause you’d have to go under the pool noodle, around it.

 

Okay, I think I’m finished with the…all the decorations, by the…oh, there’s no streamers?  Oh yeah, I’m sorry, Sister.  There is no streamers.  I didn’t see any streamers in the decoration boxes.  Oh, you were out of streamers.  So, I’ll have to make them?  What do I make…?  Oh, toilet paper.  Okay, Sister.  But make sure they’re orange, so I should use crayons and markers to color toilet paper orange and black?  Okay, you’re gonna go work on your costume?  Okay, well, I guess I get to put up these…well, markers don’t work on toilet paper, and crayons don’t work on toilet paper.  Oh boy.  I had that dream about Stan…okay, these…okay, so these…yeah, these paints work pretty good, so I’ll decorate these and then I’ll hang them up to dry.  They’ll be hung up.

 

I was also thinking, pen pal; maybe I could wrap myself in TP as a TP costume.  You know, like I’m wrapped in stuff.  Then I just stay here for the party.  Like, I sit in a chair, ‘cause I’d like to see which Sister won, but then I…yeah, I’m gonna wrap myself in toilet paper now.  But then maybe I’ll get…oh, I’m gonna close my eyes.  I’m wrapping my head.  Oh, hey, Stan.  Scooter, where have you been?  I’m covered in…you’re covered in…did…Scooter, did you get TP’d?  Kinda, Stan, and I also was like…somehow I was listening to you on…I don’t know, on the…sorry I’m late.  Scooter, yeah, I wish you were here sooner.  School’s about to let out, and Scooter, thing…so, okay, let me get this toilet paper off you, Stan.  Thanks, Scooter.  Thank you, Stan.  So…oh boy.

 

So, you…so when you last left off, you were trying to be edgy with the kids by telling them about Halloween tricks, right?  Scooter, I was.  That’s the motorcycle over there.  Stan, I got bad news.  Scooter, what is it?  I think they might have listened to an episode of a podcast I deleted one time.  Scooter, what do you mean?  Well, I was doing…I wrote some fanfiction.  There used to be a show called Knight Rider, so when I was thinking of Rider of the Night, I think that was a romantic fanfiction about…so, Knight…there was Michael Knight and then there was Knight Rider, then there was KITT.  Okay Scooter, you’re confusing me.  Okay, so there was Michael Knight.  He was a human.  Then there was a car, and then there was KITT.  KITT was a computer in the car or the car itself.  I don’t know.

 

That was one of the things I debated about a lot, was the car rider?  Then KITT was a computer?  But KITT was a computer in a talking car, or a car with a talking computer.  But the car had some intelligence and sentience.  Okay, Scooter.  What do you mean?  Well, I was just thinking these kids may have listened to that podcast I made, because I called it Rider of the Night.  You know, like woo-woo.  Scooter, I don’t understand.  So, it was a procedural show.  I guess you could say it was episodically modular, even, where Michael Knight worked for a corporate…worked for some…let’s just keep it simple; Michael Knight was the heroic character, along with his sidekick KITT, and maybe the rider, the car.  He would go places in this car and solve problems for people.

 

Between him and the car and his team, they would help somebody.  Somebody wanted to take the town’s water; he would help them.  Scooter, like the A Team?  Yeah, same…very similar to the A Team.  Scooter, anything…so, was there a Murdoch?  I don’t remember, Stan.  I don’t know, but you know.  Please don’t call…Scooter, I’m just wondering so that…why you were so connected to it.  Well, I was more connected to it because I said…I was just writing fiction about it that you would read after dark, at night.  Okay Scooter, what does this have to do with anything?  I don’t know.  Do you think the…?  Are you listening into Stan and I’s conversation, bike?  Oh, you are, huh?  Edgemaster 2000, eh?  Okay.  Pretty edgy, I heard.  I heard you’re pretty…I heard it’s pretty dull around here.

 

Yeah, I was just talking to this soda machine ‘cause I got nothing better to do.  Yeah, you know what I was thinking?  I was just wondering what’s…so if you cut a hole…’cause you kinda look less like a pizza cutter and more like a fabric cutter to me.  I always heard warnings…you know, every time I go…let me tell you about my problems.  Are you…?  ‘Cause the thing that was always confusing to me about Knight Rider and KITT…am I talking to the whole bike or just to you?  Okay, just you.  That’s what I thought.  I mean, I get that some of the whole parts…so anyway.  Anyway, back to me.  Oh, I was wondering…’cause I used to like to…I get what you’re saying about the universe, man.  I used to try to go to particle colliders or particle accelerators and ask…say hey, what…could you pop this…?

 

Could your particle collider pop…if I blow a really big bubble of gum and I…could you…would you pop it?  Then they would…usually I would say that over the speaker, at the gate.  Say, do you mind me coming by?  I got a big…I got four pieces of gum in my mouth.  But they always tried to point out to me the difference of ripping a hole in time and space.  Now, you’re talking about cutting a…you’re not even talking about cutting a hole.  You’re talking about cutting an edge into time and space, right?  Stan, put the…I think I put the Edgemaster 2000 asleep.  Scooter, the teens are gonna be here soon.  I’m just wondering what we should do.  Okay, well, my opinion, Stan, and I don’t want to criticize you because I know most of the time you’re the one figuring all this out, but I do think you kinda sold Halloween short, right?

 

Because the whole purpose of Halloween is not just the tricks; it’s trick-or-treat, but most of the time we get the treats.  Okay, Scooter.  So, I just was thinking I wouldn’t reward the teens, because that would just make them more likely to…okay, but isn’t there anything we could do with the treat part that would help our sit…?  ‘Cause sometimes being edgy…they call me the edgeless boy, Stan, so I’m the last person to go to about…you remember nana called me the not-bad boy, meaning yeah, he’s not bad.  Not bad at all.  So, I don’t…but one thing I know about edge…you don’t want…Scooter, you’re…Scooter, you’re right.  What if we…Scooter, I could create a Halloween party here.  All the teens could take place.  It would be good for business.  The owner I’ve been feeding information about Halloween, so it’s already decorated.

 

We could have…I could give all the candy…we could…I could…Scooter, I think I have some sort of strange powers.  I can create a simulation the teens will believe, ‘cause it’ll be partially real somehow, where we’ll have a Halloween party after the trick-or-treating, but the teens will go trick-or-treating here and I’ll give them can…all the candy that you would normally get, but I will cut edges off all the candy.  Okay Stan, so you’re talking about instead of a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, it would be…Scooter, it would be a peanut butter square with exposed sides or a Milky Way…Scooter, yeah, it’d be the same thing; snack size but more cubular.  What about a Skittle?  Scooter, we can do that, but I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.  You’d have to sand the edges down.

 

I think this is…but you…all the other…so, they’ll be trading their edged candy, Scooter, with kids.  Scooter, I’m already doing this…as you can see, the simulation’s taking place.  The teens are here.  Wow, Stan, you do really have some cosmic powers now, and it’s not going well; no one wants candy without…candy needs its edge.  I mean, no one wants candy…it makes sense, too.  Those Skittles, those M&Ms, even the…Scooter, it’s…the teens are very dissatisfied with the edge…edgy…yes.  Okay Stan, just…let’s…the one thing I know about teens is…okay, the party’s letting out.  Now that everybody’s alone, the motorcycle’s starting to talk to them and the teens are mad at the motorcycle.  See?  Oh boy, yep.  They’re throwing their candy at the edge…Scooter, they’re very unhappy.

 

Yeah, Scooter, this…Scooter, this kind of worked.  It kinda worked, Stan, but the teens are storming out.  There’s only one problem.  Yes, Edgemaster 2000, you’re the problem.  I’m glad you were listening.  Stan and I realize that you will just find more teens with your sweet, sweet words, and obviously they’re not gonna listen to me or Stan.  Eventually you’ll gather the things you need to put a edge in the universe, huh?  The only thing missing, though, is that while I’m talking, Stan’s figuring out a better solution.  The fact is that one of the ways we’ll get there is that many of the…the greatest thing was that…with the Rider of the Night was that Michael had feelings for both KITT and the car.  That was the underlying tension that kept me coming back.

 

I never talked about it on the nose, but I would create fake profile…even though there was no other fans of this thing, I would create fake profiles and take sides in the great KITT/Rider debate, that the car was Rider and the computer was KITT.  That seems to be the case with you and the bike, huh, and that you needed…but you’re not…so, it’s like you’re kinda…you need the teens because…you need the bike and the teens.  Scooter, I’m thinking of an idea, though.  Okay Stan, what’s your idea?  Well Scooter, sometimes when you go on and on and on, it creates…it warms up some of my solid state electronics in a way that’s not great for my processing, or when I anticipate you’re going on…off…you know?  I guess I know, Stan, but I don’t want to.  You’re saying sometimes I…Scooter, I get frustrated.  Okay.

 

Scooter, I was thinking of Meatloaf.  Oh yeah, that’d frustrate any…no, no, no, Scooter; the Meatloaf from the movie…the movie we watch every Halloween.  Oh, okay…Eddie.  Yeah, Scooter.  So, I’m…Scooter, can you put…start dressing the motorcycle in this outfit?  Okay, Stan.  So you’re gonna dress the motorcycle like Eddie.  Right, Scooter.  Okay, that’s a very edgy looking motorcycle with a pizza cutter for wheels that’s not a motorcycle but it seems like a motorcycle.  Yeah, sorry Edgemaster 2000; this motorcycle’s really edgy.  Scooter, now what are you gonna…?  What do you think we should do next?  Well, if your theory’s correct, Stan, we should…we can’t move the motorcycle ‘cause we don’t know how much of the materials they got.

 

But if the motorcycle were to start singing Meatloaf over and over again…like songs, Waiting for the Heart to Start, and then I Drive or whatever…Scooter, it would be better if it was singing…’cause I’m sure that the computer knows the correct lyrics.  What if it was a perpetual loop of the motorcycle singing the incorrect lyrics forever in a terrible Meatloaf voice?  A poor version of Meatloaf?  I think you’re probably right, Stan, that eventually the computer would realize that it needs…that…Scooter, yeah, let’s…we’re gonna go…Scooter, I guarantee it’ll work.  Okay, so it looks like it’s starting.  It is hard to listen to; holy cow.  Is that my voice, Stan?  Scooter, it is.  You recorded these.  I found them in your room.  Okay.  Oh, ‘cause I asked you to back everything…Scooter, correct.  You asked me to back everything up.

 

Okay, so eventually what’s gonna happen is we’ll…if we stop listening for our own sake…Scooter, it’s already happening.  The computer and the bike are canceling one another…Scooter, there’s something delusional about this.  Yeah, Stan, that’s exactly it; it’s two different pieces of powerful delusion.  You’re right.  I just realized that.  So, it seems like the only way to do it would be for the two pieces of delusion…either to learn to live with one part of it constantly singing Meatloaf forever, and I can easily de-bolt you and maybe buy you off the pizza shop, or we could just go to sleep.  But if I was a motor…if I was a…well, I guess if I was a motorcycle…there is a way, if I was a computer device on a motorcycle that thinks it’s sentient but it’s just made from powerful delusion and I was in the presence of a motorcycle that could cut edges in time and space, if I hit a right level of delusion, it would just cancel…we’d just cancel all…oh, there it goes.

 

It’s all turned to dust, Stan.  Scooter, what happened?  Well, it was like one of those things where…I don’t know what would happen factually, but basically we had two powerful chunks of delusion; a bike…it’s delusional to have a device that would cut a edge in time and space, right?  I guess so, Scooter.  It’s also delusional to think you would use the device, but you can’t have a device…but then…I don’t know.  So basically it’s two pieces of delusion that were separate, and the only way…the same vibrations cancel one another out, Stan.  Oh, Scooter, you could have just said that.  Yeah, but it took me a while to figure that out.  Well Scooter, it seems like we should…maybe…Scooter, maybe you want to eat some pizza and then lie in the booth and nap by me.  Yeah, Stan; you go to sleep.  I’ll be here.  I’m gonna have this booth and I’ll…I’m gonna pat you and eat some pizza here together while we rest.  Okay, Scooter.  I’m gonna rest.  Goodnight.  Goodnight, Stan.  Goodnight, everybody.

 

[END OF RECORDING]

(Transcribed by Leah Hervoly)