1104 – Stairway to Shooting Stars | Nuns in Space S3E4

Episode 1104 – Stairway to Shooting Stars | Nuns in Space S3 E4

 

[START OF RECORDING]

 

SCOOTER:    Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s time for the podcaster who once wondered — seconds ago ‘cause I record these together — if…why pajamas are plural.  But I also just was wondering…initially I was wondering…did I say friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s…yeah, I think I did say that part.  But so, pajamas is one word.  Why did they pick the J?  ‘Cause it’s pajamas, right?  Just curious.  I’m wondering, though.  I know it stuck.  They say well, we picked it ‘cause…we didn’t pick it; it’s the one that stuck.  Pas didn’t stick, obviously, and…what other…and I’d say well, you could have called them PMs.  I mean, that would have been confusing ‘cause…but you wear them in the PM, you know?  For most people.  I guess you wear them in the AM, too.

 

But I guess you’re right, PJs works.  But does it…that’s my only question.  I know I can’t turn back time, but it’s just like…did it…is it the only option?  Not that it’s a bad option; it’s just something I think about and then I go on a tangent about to take your mind off of stuff and keep you company, ‘cause you deserve a good night’s sleep.  That’s why I’m here, to distract you, keep you company with a silly little show that doesn’t make a lot of sense.  It’s time for Sleep With me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  We’re gonna do some stuff about supporting the podcast, then there will be a intro to give you some space between the day and the night and to wind-down to, and then there will be a bedtime story at the end.  It’s time for Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  Thanks for making it possible, patrons.

 

INTRO:    [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing?  Trouble getting to sleep?  Trouble staying asleep?  Well, welcome.  This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  We do it with a bedtime story, but alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play.  I’m gonna do the rest.  What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake.  It could be thoughts on your mind, things you’re thinking about, about the past, the present, the future.  So thoughts, could be feelings, anything coming up for you emotionally related to those thoughts or to something else.  You know, feelings that are just there.  It could be physical sensations, it could be changes in time or temperature or routine.

 

It could be something else.  Whatever it is that’s keeping you awake, I’m here to take your mind off of it and keep you company so you could fall asleep, and that’s really the most important part about the show, is you getting the sleep that you deserve and you need.  That’s really why I make the show.  You deserve a bedtime you don’t have to dread, that you could look forward to or at least feel neutral about.  That’s really important to me, one, because I know how it feels, tossing, turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep.  I’ve dealt with all of that, and there’s hundreds of thousands of people listening right now that are dealing with it or have dealt with it in different ways, too, that know how it feels.  That’s the main message, is well, not everybody knows exactly what you’re going through.

 

A lot of us know how it feels.  We say yeah, that’s tough.  That’s why we call it the deep, dark night.  It’s not easy.  You deserve a bedtime that has a little bit more predictability and a little bit more reassurance and some sleep, because if you get the sleep you need, you get the sleep you deserve, your life is gonna be more manageable, and that means it’s a better place for you to be in, and that means it’s a better world for all of us to be in.  So, that’s why I make the show and kinda the message that there are other people listening.  Even though you might feel alone and you might physically be alone, you’re not alone in the deep, dark night.  There’s others of us out there who know how it feels.  The way I do it, the way I try to help, it’s a little bit different.  Doesn’t work for everybody.

 

It doesn’t work for almost anyone on the first try.  Most regular listeners say give it two or three tries and see how it goes.  But it’s a different show.  I’ll explain all that coming up, but the first thing I do is I send my voice across the deep, dark night, and then I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones.  My dulcet tones are extra-creaky right now.  It means my voice is not traditionally soothing.  I go on pointless meanders and superfluous tangents ‘cause I get mixed up, and then I go off-topic and I wonder, and then I wa-wa-wonder, and then I say why do I wa-wa-wonder why my…and my…’cause my thoughts, they just run away, and then I wonder…I’d probably be…I said what would it be like if my thoughts just stayed?  Then I say, how come my thoughts are forming in a do-wop song?

 

But I…yeah, send my voice across the deep, dark night, lull…deep, dark night, lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents, all to keep you company so you could fall asleep.  Now, a few things to know about the show, as I said; it’s very different.  Give it a few tries.  If you already know you don’t like the show, sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou…there’s tons of other sleep podcasts and sleepy audio on there for you to check out.  Check that out.  Oh, the other things to know about the show; it’s very different.  It’s a podcast you don’t really listen to.  You just kinda barely listen.  So, you kinda put it on as background noise, almost, and some people are paying attention, but for a lot of people, they have me…they’re just kind of like, uh-huh.  It’s a passive listening experience, or I’m out of focus.

 

Some people have me at a mumble, and then some people are listening for a distraction, but you don’t have to pay attention because there’s no pressure to.  There’s no pressure to listen and no pressure to fall asleep on this show.  This show is just here for you to be here whether you’re awake or asleep, even.  The not-listening part can be hardest when you’re wondering okay, when’s the show gonna start?  Oh, it’s already going.  It’s going, it’s just not going anywhere, particularly…it’s just…it’s stalled out.  I say okay, but when’s the sleepy…?  I say oh boy, this is…I say well, this…actually, this is not any sleepy stuff, either.  This is a podcast to put you to sleep.  It doesn’t really put you to sleep; it’s here to keep you company while you fall asleep.

 

I’m here to be your bore-friend, your bore-bud, your bore-bae, your bore-sib, your bore-cuz, your bore-bor, your neigh-bore, your bore-friend in the deep, dark night.  I’m here to keep you company.  Some people, they can’t sleep…I’m here to the very end to keep them company, too.  But even if you’re sleeping, I’m here keeping you company.  There’s that motel whichever…they say we’ll leave the light on for you.  I say hey, could you turn the light off, though?  Really.  I’m here.  Or don’t leave the light on.  Put it on a dimmer or something.  Leave it on so I can find you.  I know you…you were kinda speaking figuratively, but yeah, leave a light on so I can find my room and I feel…I got my car parked.  But then turn those lights off, or make sure there’s enough blinds that…you’ll leave the light on for me, but once I’m in the room…there’s you go…that should be implied, I guess.

 

Once I’m in the room, won’t know it.  We’ll leave the light on for you, but you won't notice once you’re in the room, comfortable, sleeping soundly.  Additional message created fictionally by Scooter from Sleep With Me podcast; the light’s on for you, but you won't even know…you’ll notice, so you could get here so then you don’t have to notice…now with ex…triple curtains, because we left the light on.  Then they would probably say why don’t we just…what if we just use a different bulb or a different lighting technology?  They’d say well, because it’s…that’s our catchphrase, leaving the light on for them.  What if we just…we’ll leave the light on for you figuratively, but there will be lights.  But it’ll be…but they won't be the kinda lights that get in the way of you falling asleep, ‘cause we’re really a place to sleep once you find us.

 

What if you just say…if we were speaking figuratively, what we’d be saying is we’re easy to find and we’re really friendly and welcoming, but great to sleep at.  Also, by the way, you’re not advertising a motel; you’re trying to start a sleep podcast.  Oh, so yeah.  So, that’s…those were pointless meanders and superfluous tangents.  But really, wouldn’t someone say…has that been one of their commercials where they say okay, that’s great for the person on their way, but what about…can you turn it off for me?  I’m already here.  I paid for…my room’s paid for, so can you turn the light off?

 

I mean, I know it’s about…not about me.  I do want the family that still needs to find their way here…or maybe that; we’ll leave the light on for you, all rooms facing away from the light…the light’s…but the light’s here for…you know, all rooms face away from the light by…except…that doesn’t make any sense.  That petered out.  I’ve never had anything peter out so completely.  I mean, I guess you say yeah, all rooms are west-facing rooms.  The light’s facing east.  It’s where you pull in and you pay.  Oh, but this is a sleep podcast.  So yeah, this is a podcast you don’t really listen to.  You don’t really put you to sleep…I take your mind off of stuff while you fall asleep.  I’m here to, yeah, keep you company in the deep, dark night.  I told you why I make the show.  I told you it takes a couple tries to get used to.

 

Not everybody likes it, but most people that have become regular listeners, they do say it took a few tries to get used to the show.  Some other things to know is structurally the show is very different, and it’s very intentional, but it does take some getting used to for the structure.  As you become a regular listener, you can adjust how you listen.  But let me tell you why the show’s structured the way it is.  It starts off with a greeting; friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, so you feel seen and welcome.  You say oh, maybe I’ll check this show out.  Maybe I’ll see…I mean, I guess that was a great move for them if all other motels had their lights off.  I say well, let’s go to the one with the light on.  That feels more welcoming.  You say, that’s a competitive advantage or whatever they say.

 

Minimal viable product advantage, or…I don’t know what they say, ‘cause I only half-listen.  You say well, yeah, let’s go to…no kidding.  That’s go to that place; the light’s on.  Feels like it’s on for us.  They left the light on for us.  All the other places turned out their lights and went to bed.  Don’t want to go there, ‘cause then I gotta wait and wake the person up, they’ll come to the door in long-johns, I’m presuming…I would hope, or fully-dressed, but maybe they’ll be grouchy.  That one, the light’s on, and it’s so bright that I…no one could sleep through that light except for us when we get in bed, of course, because all the rooms are facing a different direction as they get…as…they couldn’t be facing all the rooms that they’ve left on for us.

 

I forgot what…how that related to Sleep With Me, but…oh, show starts off with a greeting, so you say okay, I could check that out.  The light’s on.  Clearly my brain’s like, the light is not…the light is dim, on a dimmer switch with you, Scoots.  I say thanks, brain.  Okay, but so, where was I?  I’ve been…I’m lost in…I’ve got…what are those called?  An auto-lodge in my brain, that I’m lost in its marketing materials.  So, I really am.  Okay, so…oh, so there’s a greeting, then there’s support for the show.  That’s where you pay for the room.  Luckily, this, it’s free and you get to listen for free because of either the people that support the show directly or the sponsors.  So, that’s the support for the show, here twice a week for free, then there’s support for listeners having a tough time, support for communities around the show, then there’s an intro.

 

The intro is…it can throw people off ‘cause it’s about fifteen or twenty minutes long, and most podcasts…right, you just…you say okay, just sign this form here and then you walk in your door; you’re in your room.  That would be a normal podcast intro.  Ours, it’s a bit of a meander.  It goes on and on and on, one, because they’re just not good at getting to the point, but two, because I’m not good at getting to the point, which is almost the point.  So, the intro goes on and on and on.  For a regular listener, it’s part of their bedtime routine.  It’s different every time, but there’s a familiarity to it.  They say okay, there goes Scoots again trying to find his way to introduce the podcast that he’s made over 1,000 episodes of.

 

I don’t know what in the name of Tom Bodett he’s doing, but he’s having a good time doing it, and I also can’t quite follow it, so it’s working.  So, the intro goes on and on and on because it’s part of the wind-down routine, a little bit of a twilight or a buffer between your day life and your sleeping life.  So, some listeners are getting ready for bed, some people are getting comfortable, some people are falling asleep.  2% of listeners skip the intro, but for most people, it’s about easing into bedtime or doing some sort of other relaxing activity or getting ready for bed or getting comfortable while the intro plays, ‘cause for most of us, we need a little wind-down before we can get to sleep.  So, that’s what the intro provides, as well as a opportunity for me to showcase my ineptitude.

 

I mean, where else in the world would I get to show off the fact that I’m human and I’m flawed in…I’m flawed…yeah.  Showcasing his flaws twice a week.  No, not my floss.  That would be gross.  But my flaws.  I’ll leave the human on for you.  Scooter, you got extra…rooms now come with a…they don’t come with extra human, but the podcast has extra…you know, it has one human who has extra humanity, or excess of it.  I don’t…that sounds like a brag.  I don’t have excess humanity.  I’m just particularly good at being imperfect.

 

So, okay.  Oh, so that’s the intro.  It goes on and on and on.  Then there’s more support for the show between the intro and the story, then it’ll be our story.  Tonight will be our episodically modular series, Nuns in Space, which you can listen to in any order, so it’ll be a nice little bedtime story.  Then there’s thank-yous at the end.  So, that’s the structure of the show, that’s why I make the show.  I’m really glad you’re here.  I’m really glad you checked the podcast out.  I really hope I can help you fall asleep.  Thanks again for coming by, and here’s a couple of ways I’m able to do it for you for free twice a week.

 

Alright everybody, it’s time for our episodically modular series, Nuns in Space.  It is very episodically modular, so I’m gonna give you a lot of the details you need, and then ideally the characters will fill in the rest.  But it’s the story of Nuns in Space, which may be a little bit…you say oh, wow, I can’t wait.  I say whoa, whoa, well, technically it’s a story with…where nuns are in space.  That part is true, but the nuns in space part is not exactly the centerpiece.  So, there’s some main characters.  Maybe I should start there.  You say oh, the nuns, of course.  I’d say, great…good question, but not exactly.  The main character, the hero or the heroic character, is Stan, a free…a sentient so…who you could simply describe as a sentient soda machine, freestyle.

 

But of course, so much more than that; a being, a sentient being who happens to be a soda…a freestyle soda machine in their physical form.  Yeah, that part.  So that’s Stan.  There’s Stan’s sidekick, Scooter.  The character is very familiar.  Then there are the nuns from Scooter’s childhood.  They’re flying a spaceship.  Scooter is on the spaceship with the nuns from his childhood.  He’s their only…what do you call that?  Enlisted…their only…he’s the only crew member.  There’s three nuns; they command the ship.  Scooter’s their only crew member.  They’re traveling somewhere important, but we don’t know where.  I don’t think Scooter does, ‘cause it’s need-to-know information.  Also, Stan, the freestyle soda machine, is in the episodes.  But basically that’s it.

 

Each episode is…something happens in space, Scooter tries to help the nuns as their crew member, and trying to get to help his best friend.  Oh, Stan and Scooter are also best friends even though Scooter’s Stan’s sidekick, to help his best friend and his leader…if you’re a sidekick, what do you…?  Your heroic figure you work for?  Other than Batman, who…if you’re Robin, you say…how do you…?  If you’re the sidekick…I’ll have to watch that.  I’ll have to see how that plays out in Starkid.  But yeah, so the nuns in…so it’s a story about nuns in space, kind of.  So much more than that.  Thinly-veiled metaphor for an entirely unrelated story.  Nuns in Space, introduced by our Hollywood announcer, and if there’s ever been a heroic figure who could play a…who’s…how about that?  A heroic figure playing heroic figures.

 

Does he cut a heroic figure.  I don’t even know what that means, but even at a distance, you say that’s clearly a heroic figure walking down my driveway so loudly.  I say, can’t you put felt on the bottom of those shoes or something?  Do you have shoe-dampeners?  He said, I’m not sure those exist.  I say well, we’re inventing them.  I say, what about…?  Then I…this…he turned me down.  Believe it or not, Antonio can be assertive.  I say, what about wearing burlap sacks over your shoes?  He said, a sack?  I said well, more like a burlap bag.  I said, those will be shoe-dampeners.  He said well, I may…and I said no, no, burlap is very…he said, I…I’ll slip within the sack.  So, I said you got…I said okay, no more…then I’ll…I’m sorry, then.

 

This is what I had to…I said well, okay, I see you’re asserting your needs, and seeing your…saying yes to what you’re saying; no burlap bags on your shoes, I do need to implement a no-shoe policy from now on.  So, moving forward, you’ve heard of…there’s been a…I think there was a base…a famous baseball player called Shoeless somebody.  He’s not in shoes.  It’s not what he would choose, but it’s…the clomping of his heels, we did lose.

 

Here to introduce our series, Mr. Antonio Banderas.  The friends beyond the binary, the ladies, the gentlemen, the boys, the girls, it’s time for Nuns in Space.  Scooter, I would never wear…I would never propose wearing flip-flops, but what about some…what about something to get me from my car to your door?  Because there is leaves on the trees falling.  This is Nuns in Space.  Yeah.  Shoosh.  That’s Mr. Antonio Banderas, old shoeless Antonio.  Won't be in any…I knew you were gonna say a brand name of shoes that you think are quiet but aren’t.  That’s Mr. Antonio Banderas.  This is Nuns in Space, everybody.

 

Hey, pen pal, it’s me, Stan.  Scooter, if you’re listening…or pen pal, if you could get ahold of Scooter, that would be great.  I could use some help here.  I’m running a…I’m running in and I’m running a coliseum, Scooter, and…no, no, no, not with gladiators.  Of course not, Scooter, of course not.  Running, pen pal.  So, I found myself…pen pal, I can’t fill…I don’t know when it started, but at some point I found myself on this planet alone.  I don’t know where Scooter is, so that’s probably…I could use some companionship and some brainstorming.  It’s not all bad, so I’m trying to look at what’s positive and give you the positives.  There’s a giant coliseum here.  It’s not like the coliseum in Rome or like the former…like it was before or after, but it is a coliseum.  There’s no one…there’s…well, there’s people in the stands.

 

Well, we changed the stands to rooms, so when there’s people in the stands, they’re the people of this planet and they’re resting, or the be…I don’t know if they want to be called people.  They’re beings.  They’re resting, and the rest of the time…this…oh, this is very big, too.  I seem to have powers to make the coliseum rebuild itself.  That’s how we built the rooms.  It’s like it’s connected to my…some of my processing.  But what we do here all day long…if…this could be construed as positive, but it’s not, Scooter…is we run a race all day long, everybody here on the planet, all the residents or the current residents.  We’ve just been running it in the coliseum because then I can control all the variables.  Outside…I learned the hard way that I couldn’t…outside of the coliseum, I couldn’t control everything.

 

But now here in the coliseum, I can control everything.  So basically what happens is every day, everybody’s resting.  Most of the people or…most of the people of this planet, I’ll just say it; they’re not humans, but they do…they are bipedal and they do have opposable thumbs.  So, they’re similar to humans, a similar structure, but every…they’re on a very similar biological clock.  That includes resting and sleeping.  There’s many different genders, but this…none of that’s important, pen pal.  The thing is, every day they wake up, mostly at the same time, and we have…then we have…while they’re still kinda tired because their bodies need to replenish, we have where they eat and basically consume water and food.  Then they chase me all day long in a…what a…I guess it’s not a race because it never ends.

 

I create obstacles to keep them engaged, or so that they don’t catch me, even though it’s…it is possible with their numbers they could catch me at some point, but there was only one time…well, the evening got close.  My suspicion is they can’t catch me, that it’ll do something not good for anybody.  So, I don’t know why that is.  I just feel it deep within my vacuum tubes.  So, that’s it.  Every day we run a different obstacle race, all the…all day long.  It’s a…good thing is that…plenty of power sources for me, and then I help the…these…then they’re so tired, then they eat.  That’s the only solution, ‘cause they won't stop chasing me otherwise.  They basically…we get them down ‘til they have to…they…because they all…the great thing is they’re all in sync, so there’s no saying well, I’m not tired yet.

 

Everybody gets tired at the same time and hungry, and a little bit grouchy.  That’s only twice; once in the morning…I mean, so then they just go to bed.  They eat and go to bed, and then we start the whole thing over the next day.  How did we get here is that I got here…I don’t know how I got here or when, but what I do remember is seeing all…outside of the coliseum, I was here.  I saw them running around separately, chasing stuff and chasing things floating on the wind, chasing paper floating on the wind, chasing streams.  The lights of the coliseum are very bright, so I could see everything day or night, and they would just…they were all on different schedules, but they would just chase themselves ‘til they were tired, and not all of them had…and then…so, I started bringing them water and food and I said why don’t you just…?

 

Then they would just go…start chasing again.  I said this is a problem.  Clearly this planet is chasing its…they’re not chasing…none of them have tails, but they would chase their own tail if they could, maybe.  They don’t though, because I tried that, pen pal.  It didn’t work.  One of the things I did try.  So, they run around.  I said okay, I gotta help them.  But then I tried to get them to…they won't stop chasing.  Then I said well, it’s not realistic for me to run around this whole planet, which isn’t…the planet’s not in great shape, pen pal.  It’s very…seems like stuff’s not going well here.  I discovered the coliseum; I said this is a great place.  It’s made for…maybe…why’d you leave here?  They looked at me…so then I started them chasing different objects around and they got…they just didn’t seem happy with it.

 

They weren’t engaged or something.  I don’t know, they had malaise.  Even though they were still chasing, I could see it on their faces, pen pal.  So, then I said don’t worry, and I kept…so finally I ended up…they had to chase me because I’m…they can’t catch me like the gingerbread…they couldn’t catch a ginger…I tried a gingerbread person.  It was only an outline of one on a thing spinning around.  But they’ve adapted and I’ve run some more…pen pal, in case you’re listening, that’s the easiest way to explain it.  At some point they will surpass my ability to make things.  This is not a endless cycle.  It feels endless.  Every day we get up, they chase me, I try to design a way…obstacles and things for them to climb.  Sooner or later they’ll catch me and then it won't be good.  So that’s why I’m here waiting for Scooter.

 

Scooter, I’m waiting here, I’m working, I’m gonna be running all day long, Scooter.  I could use your help.  Scooter, I could use your help.  I’m doing a lot of work here, Scooter.  Okay, Stan.  Yeah, I’m dreaming.  Stan, are you…Stan, are you bathed in sweat?  Are you wearing a sweatsuit or a tracksuit, Stan?  Are those…wow, this is quite a dream, here.  You’re wearing wristbands.  Scooter, yeah, I’m super sweaty.  I could use your help.  I can’t see anything at all.  Okay, Stan.  Is there sweat in your eyes?  Scooter, there’s sweat in my eyes.  Okay, ‘cause you don’t have a headband on, Stan.  Let me just look around here for anything I could put on you.  I don’t have a headband or a sweatband.  Here’s…I could use this pillowcase to wipe the sweat…oh, no, Stan, you’re not there.  That was just a dream.  Holy cow.

 

Good thing, though, ‘cause I would probably have grabbed a sock next, Stan.  Oh, the nuns are calling me to get back to work, so it was a dream anyway.  Sorry, Stan.  Oh, wait a second, now I’m remembering that we’re caught in this loop.  In case you’re listening, pen pal, I guess I’m recording this for you, or Stan, or somebody else.  Every day…I don’t know how long a day is, so I’m using that in a generalized term, pen pal.  But so, every day I wake up having a dream about Stan.  I’m the only crew member on a spaceship with the nuns from my childhood.  I don’t always remember the specifics about the ship, because sometimes I feel like the ship is small and other times it’s not small.  But I remember everything else, which is we’re caught in some kind of loop.

 

We may be inside of Stan, but again, I’m like, wait a second, is that just something I’m misremembering?  But the nuns are going somewhere on a mission, top-secret.  I can’t figure that out.  My job is to serve the nuns, which I’m supposed to be going…and they’re buzzing me.  But this time the walk is taking longer than…sometimes I just leave my room and I’m in their cockpit.  But by serving the nuns or doing what they need me to do, it somehow gets me to Stan, or gives me the clues to get to Stan through some sort of mysterious portal.  Then I go to Stan.  Stan is not remembering everything.  Stan will be somewhere…delusion is a part of it.  I’m pretty sure what I’ve learned is that delusion has evolved…I don’t think it’s sentient, but it lands on planets and kinda takes them over.

 

But Stan is the…Stan isn’t the anti-delusion, ‘cause Stan is normally caught in delusion, but Stan has some sort of demi-god-like powers, but Stan’s unaware of those powers.  The people of the planet or solar system or whatever are being impacted both by the delusion and Stan’s attempts to fix the delusion, because Stan’s not attempting to fix the delusion.  Stan’s trying to help the people of the planet, which normally would work great, but somehow Stan’s unaware of the out…I don’t know.  So, then I help Stan mostly by giving Stan ideas that don’t work, and then Stan comes to a conclusion that does work.  So, Stan’s still Stan, just with what we would classify as superpowers, but in Stan’s memory, some of Stan’s…Stan remembers…short-term memory is not working.  Hello, Sisters, I’m here.

 

What’s going on?  I’m sorry I’m late.  Yeah, Sisters, I know I’m…I need to get back to…okay, Sister.  Yeah, Sister, what’s the problem?  Oh yeah, I do see all these stacks.  There’s a lot of piles of papers.  Are those tapes?  Okay, and those are platter…are those those 3.5-inch disks?  Does this spaceship even use…?  Oh, they’re…these are all for our important archives?  Do they…I…Sister, it seems like these piles are appearing and growing before my very eyes.  Don’t worry about that part.  I just need to get these down to the…I didn’t even know the ship had an archives room.  Okay, so I should just…do you have a wheel…?  Oh no, they have to stay in order?  Okay.  Well, can I take the…’cause those are kinda tall piles.  They look precarious.  No, they have to stay in order and you don’t trust me to keep them in order.

 

Okay, you think their exact size…I could carry them in my arms and tuck my chin…?  Oh yeah, you’re right, Sister.  I’ll start with these…luckily they’re on a platter, these 3.5-inch drives.  Yep, I got my chin rest…oh, whoa, whoa…oh, no, I didn’t fall…I didn’t drop them.  Don’t worry, Sister.  Okay, I’ll go as slow as I…okay, yeah, no, I won't bumble them because obviously that would damage them.  Oh, somewhere in here is the solution…?  Okay, just imagine that in one of these things is your instructions to release me from service?  Okay, I’ll go down…oh, there is a storage room or archive room here.  Alright, I’m gonna put these disks down.  Next up, platter drives.  Oh, now there’s more piles of…looks like filing stuff.  Okay, Sister, I’m gonna come…take these platter drives.  I’ll be back.

 

These are a little bit…the thing is, the Sisters can’t hear me.  I don’t want to break these drives, so I’m being careful.  But the papers…I gotta pick up my pace once I get done with the drives with all the filing stuff, because it’s growing.  I can drop the papers, maybe.  Oh boy, the filing room, though…I gotta go over this balance beam.  It’s not too far down.  It’s just like a balance beam that’s four feet off the ground.  Those are easier, I’ve heard, because it’s easier and it just is storage underneath here.  Let me get the first stack of papers, and I’ll be very, very…this is precarious.  Don’t worry, Sister; I won't bumble…I’m not a bumbler.  I mean, I guess I am.  Man, okay, so I’ll go over this…oh, okay, I made it.  I’ll go back to the cockpit and get another stack.  Hi, Sisters.  Don’t worry, I…I am a bumbler, though, Sisters.

 

So, it’s not my really fault that…the thing about telling someone they’re a bumbler…okay, just follow orders.  Yeah, Sister.  Okay, I’m back in the hall.  I was gonna say though, they keep calling me a bumbler.  The thing is, I learned when I was a busboy, just don’t look at it and your body will balance it.  But then when you’re saying to somebody don’t be a bumbler and it gets in their head…I gotta focus here on how I’m gonna get back to Stan.  Wait a second…oh, whoops, I wasn’t paying attention.  Oh no, all the papers fell off the balance beam into the storage below.  Might as well keep going and go back and get more, and then I’ll worry about this…oh, I dropped an…wait a second, this is how…this has gotta be how I get to Stan.  Maybe I gotta clean up the papers?

 

Okay, let me get…I wonder if there’s a rake around here.  I’ll rake these papers and folders.  Wait a second, if I rake these papers and folders up, I can make a…this is just like raking leaves.  Then I can jump into the pile of leaves.  I bet you that’ll bring me to Stan.  So, that’s exactly it.  I’ll get this…oh, this is a nice little pile, here.  I don’t have to worry about any doggy doo, because I’m the only one here.  Then I’ll jump in here and I’ll be headed to Stan.  Scooter, Scooter, you’re here.  Yeah, Stan.  Sorry.  Scooter, where did you come from?  Where you been?  If I explain it to you…Scooter, you gotta get on my back.  We gotta keep moving.  Okay, Stan.  Your back…the back of your…your back’s…Scooter, you could get on my backside, yes.  You could giggle.  Okay, but it’s just your back…back of your…yeah, Scooter, hold on.

 

Stan…oh wow, I didn’t realize you had hand-holds here.  Scooter, yeah, some machines need to be slid in and out of alcoves, so they’re not…they are hand-holds.  Perfect for riding on…Stan, I’ve never…have I ridden on your back before?  This is…Scooter, technically…Scooter, I need to focus.  Okay.  Stan…Scooter, okay, I’m done focusing.  Oh, are you…are your nanos making obstacles that you’re running over?  Scooter, they are.  We’re being chased.  Okay.  What happened?  Why are we being chased?  Oh, Scooter, it’s part of a…you didn’t get my messages?  Oh, hold on, Stan…oh, no, the ones for pen pal and me?  I’m getting them.  Okay, Scooter, while I run over these obstacles…okay, Stan, I listened at three-times speed.  Okay, Scooter, so can you tell me what’s going on?

 

Oh, repeat back to you to make sure I understood, is what you’re really…so, you’re being chased by the beings of this planet, which you’re keeping here at the coliseum, which is a giant…I mean, this thing is huge.  Stan, you didn’t really…I guess size and scope, this is humungous.  So, you have been on this planet doing your best alone without my help.  Yeah, Scooter.  If we had time, I’d like to talk to you about your…being my sidekick and friendship is…no, I totally understand.  So, you’re here on this planet, you’re being chased.  You got to this planet and you found a planet full of beings that were pointlessly chasing stuff, and you said this must be why I’m here, to help them.  Scooter, exactly.  They were just chasing stuff around.

 

They were running around just chasing stuff, so you said well, let me help you…give you something specific to chase and just…instead of just chasing things around.  Scooter, exactly.  Then your solution that you eventually built your way up to was more and more complicated chases as you found this coliseum, where people could live together and…because you just…basically they chase you until they’re so tired they can’t chase anymore.  They all are bio…on some sort of very similar schedule and metabolism, so they all get tired at the same time.  They don’t actually get so tired…this is one thing I didn’t know if you noticed, Stan, but they don’t get…they get…they know their limits.  Scooter, they do know their limits, but they go right up against their limits.

 

Right, but at least they know they have to…Scooter, I don’t know if they would stop, but they will…they’re willing to stop.  Okay, but so, they stop and they can’t catch you, but you’re not exactly sure…that’s just a sense you have.  Scooter, deep in my vacuum tubes, I sense that if they catch me…well, then it would just undo the whole show and they would just go back to chase…they would say oh, we don’t need to…’cause we built our way up to them chasing me.  So, then they would just go back to the old ways of chasing stuff around, Scooter, which doesn’t make any sense and didn’t work, and then they were spread all over.  There was definitely…Scooter, I’m not…I know it seems like I have to be in control of this situation and I’m trying to fix things…and there is some missing pieces, Scooter.

 

I’ll be the first to admit it, but I know something was wrong, like I said, deep in my vacuum tubes.  Okay, so let’s just trust that you’re right.  They can’t catch you because they would just go back to the old ways or something else.  Your vacuum tubes are saying that.  They’re also saying when you got here, the fact that they were just chasing stuff around the planet was…that there was something…there’s something…there’s a few things missing we’re not getting, but…okay, and…but you also feel the need to keep this…keep up this obstacle race.  Here’s a thing, Stan; I was thinking at first, what if…well, at first I was gonna say what if they catch me?  Scooter, they would catch you instantly.  Okay, so that wouldn’t work.

 

That was my first idea, though, is you could…I could take over and then bumble, and they could catch me, and then I could get information from them.  Scooter, that won't work, but…so, that idea won't work, I don’t think, Scooter.  They wouldn’t believe…they wouldn’t…it would…they’d just catch you really…they’re really fast, Scooter.  Okay, well, what if…here’s a thing; they can see me on your back, right?  What if I fall off your back and then start chasing you again?  How close are we to a break time?  Scooter, pretty close.  Okay, so what if I fall off your back, then I bumble, and then I keep chasing them, or I keep chasing you with them?  Scooter, you…Scooter, come on.  Stan, it’s just an idea to try out.  I don’t see a downside to it.  Well, you might be…okay.  There’s only a few seconds left, so okay.

 

Then I’ll get…I’ll see what kind of info I can find out.  Okay.  Did you…did everybody see that?  Oh, what’s that?  That’s the big bell?  Oh, you’re all…wow, am I tired, too.  There goes that freestyle soda machine.  Oh, what’s a freestyle soda machine?  Oh, you don’t have them on your planet?  That’s what that thing we’re chasing is that I…did you see I caught it?  Oh, you’re all pretty…too tired to talk?  Okay, let’s go into the drinking and eating area.  By the way, Stan, the interpreter device is working perfectly.  Scooter, I don’t know what you’re talking about.  Oh, ‘cause you…anyway, so…oh, wow.  Wow, this is…this is great.  What a great chase today.  One of the best ever, I’d say, especially ‘cause…I don’t know if you saw it again; I jumped on…oh, you did see it.

 

Okay, now that you’re having some food and stuff, you’re a little more social.  Yeah, I am a little bit different.  I’m not quite as…I don’t know…I’ll be honest; I don’t know where I am or how I got here.  I just know I was chasing that thing.  Does anybody else feel like that?  Like, how did we get in this situation?  Yeah.  Does anybody else feel deep down that this isn’t working and it’s a pointless chase?  No chase is pointless.  Well, you’re right about that.  But I mean, chasing this freestyle soda machine around inside this complex is not where we were.  I can remember back…I don’t…oh yeah, you…before you were chasing things around.  Yeah, and…oh, here comes somebody else.  Stan, is that you?  Scooter, it is.  I’m in disguise.  I didn’t realize I could be in…I could come and join you in disguise.

 

Wow, you look just like one of the beings.  Oh, hi.  Hello.  Does anybody want to be my friend?  I’ll be your friend.  Oh, well, I don’t know.  Maybe you should think about what friendship means first, sir.  Okay, I was just being a friend…we were just having a friendly conversation here about before this coliseum…didn’t anybody else just feel like you were running around…not pointlessly, but that something was missing in our chases?  You’re all nodding kinda knowingly.  Yeah, that it was like we were just chasing stuff around.  Not pointlessly, but that…just chasing around.  I remember once I chased a feather for forty-five days and I didn’t see anybody.  I don’t know.  Does anybody prefer this social…this chasing as a group?  Doesn’t seem right.  Yeah, it doesn’t.  Okay, nobody needs to guilt anybody here.

 

No, Stan, we’re just talking.  Okay, well, it just doesn’t feel like it.  Okay, Stan…Stanley, why don’t you take a look at…what was…this coliseum’s here, and…I don’t know.  Here’s a thing; everybody’s getting ready to go to bed.  Does anybody have any dreams?  Oh, I do, I do.  I have a dream that…of a vision of a shiny woman named Fantasma.  Okay, thank you, Stanley.  Does anybody else have any dreams about…oh no, I’m chasing her.  I mean, figuratively.  Okay, but does anybody else have any dreams?  Well, you dream of chasing stars.  Okay.  You do, too?  Really?  Like, shooting stars.  Okay.  A lot of people have dreams of…but we haven’t…you haven’t seen any stars in a long time, huh?  Oh, because of the lights on this coliseum.  You’re right; they’re very bright.

 

They may block out our ability to see shooting stars and stars.  We should think about if that’s…and oh, okay, some other dreams are flying through space.  Really?  You dream of flying through space.  Okay.  Oh, somebody else; you have a dream of swimming in some sort of goopy substance?  There’s a lot of goop out here in outer space, Stan.  They don’t talk about that in the movies.  Scooter, you’re right.  Oh, other people have that dream, too.  Huh.  It’s different…not water, you’re saying, but you swimming around in something like water?  Okay, that’s interesting for sure.  It’s different than what I expected.  Anybody else have anything else they’re…been dreaming about, other…?  Oh, running through fields.  Okay…covered in goop.  So, running through fields covered in goop.

 

Oh, running through a forest covered in goop, oh.  Running through a meadow.  Oh, a difference between a meadow and a field, for sure.  Running through a riparian area…not sure what that…I’ve heard the term before, but I…is that near a river?  Oh, running through a grassy valley.  Okay, different than a meadow.  Oh, running through a mountain meadow.  Oh, that’s…I like how you’re…everybody’s getting tired, though.  Okay, Stan.  They’re all falling asleep.  Let’s go, Stanley.  Let’s go sleep over here in private.  Scooter, what are we gonna do?  Okay, first off, we gotta shut the lights out, and then figure out what we’re missing, Stan.  These may be archetypal dreams.  I don’t know about swimming in goop, but…I don’t know if flying through space…humans don’t dream about flying through space very much.

 

Through the sky they do, because we can’t fly through space.  Scooter, what are you saying?  Well, I mean, as strange as dreams can be, Stan…and I’m no expert on anything.  I’m a bumbler, right?  I bumble for you, just like the nuns would say.  Scooter, what are you talking about?  Well, I’m just thinking that…I’m just thinking, I don’t know if you have dreams about stuff that’s not…like, I don’t think we have dreams about chasing shooting stars, either, in such a specific way.  Scooter, I…so, I think…I don’t know, Stan.  I’m hoping for your help.  Scooter, I’m shutting down the lights to the coliseum.  That’s been taking…that took a lot of…they didn’t want to be shut off, so I had to actually break the lights.  Okay, well, they’ll…so, tomorrow…I wonder how much rest they need.

 

If we wake them up to look at the stars, what would happen?  Okay, Scooter.  Let’s do that.  Hey everybody, it’s Stanley.  The lights went out in the coliseum.  Let’s go outside and look at the stars.  We were all dreaming…oh, Scooter, look at…there’s a lot of stars.  Those are the only light source on this planet, other than the…those two moons and the stars.  Scooter, how do you see those moons?  They’re not…well, I just…you could still see them.  Oh yeah, Scooter.  I’m sorry.  But yeah, they’re not…well yeah, you just see the…they’re just slivers.  But two moons, a lot of…oh, everybody’s jumping at the shooting stars.  Scooter, it’s like they’re jumping to jump off the ground, though.  You’re right.  Now everybody’s kinda look…I’m feeling like I’m trying to jump.

 

Right, so…right, yeah, so I could chase the stars, just like you’re saying.  Oh, like I could fly through space and chase the stars.  Yeah.  Stan, this is…everybody’s kind of saying…on the same page, here.  Okay, Scooter, but everybody’s kinda wandering around now.  Oh, what’s…I’m sorry, I’m feeling a little…what’s everybody feeling like?  Walking around doing what?  Oh, swimming in goop and then running through meadows.  Scooter, I’ve just got contact with outer space, because the lights were also blocking my ability to download data.  Okay, and what’s your…what’s coming through?  Scooter, there’s…in this region, there’s been…I don’t have the…when it started, but they’re calling it the Great Unwatering, but it’s really a lack of…there’s something going on with all the growth in the uni…in this part of the universe, this galaxy, and this planet, Scooter.

 

As I’ve been doing some echolocation, the coliseum sits…there used to be…this planet used to be full of meadows, and there’s still underground meadows, Scooter.  There was some on the surface, but this is…as far as I can tell, Scooter, this planet is the source of life for the universe, or this part of the uni…this galaxy.  Okay, Stan.  You can use general terms with me.  Scooter, I think it’ll confuse you.  Right, that’s okay, though.  So, what are you saying, Stan?  Scooter, my theory is that the coliseum is blocking something and that your dream theory is correct, that they’re meant to fly through space, because they’re not humans and they’re meant to run through goop, swim in goop, and then run through fields.  I don’t understand…it’s underground fields, I guess, Scooter.

 

But then, none of that can be accessed ‘cause of the coliseum.  Okay, Stan.  Here’s an idea; let’s build a stairway to heaven.  Scooter, what do you mean?  Well, the coliseum’s made up of some sort of brick-like material, so if you start building the…brick by brick upwards…and that will help them get closer to heaven.  Stan, I don’t think you’re gonna remember this, but I think the coliseum is made up of bricks of delusion.  So at some point we could build it past the…Scooter, that’s impossible.  I think it is possible for you, Stan.  You’ve done a lot here on this planet.  You have some sort of extra power here.  Scooter, I’m building the stairway to heaven even though I don’t believe it’s gonna work.  Right, it’ll be like…kinda like a space elevator or something.

 

If we can get majority of it off-planet, maybe we could get it into the gravitational pull of their sun.  Scooter, that’s working.  Scooter, actually, your theory will work if the…because for some reason, these stairs are all sticking together.  Right, it doesn’t make sense, but you have the power to do that, Stan, I believe.  Scooter, they’re loving running up and down the stairs, and they’re practicing jumping into space, but they’re not able to do it yet.  Right, but see the ground below?  Now they’re going below…I’m gonna go…let’s follow them below the ground.  Oh yeah, there’s holes below the…the coliseum was covering up a giant pit of goop, a subterranean lake of goop, Scooter.  Yeah, look at all of them playing in the goop.  It’s kinda translucent and they’re covering themselves in it.

 

They’re not bathing in it as so much as slathering themselves in goop.  Scooter, it’s like it’s extra-thick moisturizer.  It doesn’t come off, it doesn’t seem to be.  It could be like a spacesuit, Stan.  Scooter, but now they’re going running.  They’re chasing…Scooter, they’re chasing underground seed pods.  Yeah, through these beautiful underground…wow, there’s a whole world down here, an organic world.  Oh, this is one of these inside-outside worlds.  Scooter, what do you mean?  See how it opens up?  It’s on a…it’s tough to explain the…this has been in books before, but the center of the Earth is also serving as a sun.  So, these are different plants, but they…some of them can function in the light of the sun, and some in darkness.

 

Oh, and they’re just running through fields of the plants, Scooter, and…yeah, and meadows, and grassy plains.  Oh, hey everybody.  Oh yeah, we…we’re gonna come run; we were just talking.  You’re all covered in…Scooter, they’re covered in seeds.  Oh, they’re going…Stan, that was it.  You just solved it.  Scooter, what do you mean?  Watch them; they’re all going up the stairway to heaven now.  Scooter, it’s reaching towards the sun.  Okay, so the stairway to heaven will just help them at first until they regain their leg strength or whatever.  But see?  Now they’re chasing shooting stars.  Scooter, they’re flying through space.  Yeah, so these beings are chasing shooting stars across this part of the galaxy or this galaxy, this part of the universe, and this planet.  Okay, Scooter, what do you mean and how is that important?

 

Okay, so shooting stars may not go anywhere, so they may just chase it for the love of chasing it.  But eventually they’re gonna take a break on a planet or a meteorite that they’re chasing is gonna land on a planet, and then they’re gonna run around the planet or the…their goop will start…see?  ‘Cause now they’re coming back.  As their goop starts to dry out, they come back before it fully dries.  But a lot of their goop has gone, and the seeds on the goop have gone.  Scooter, these are the…oh, these are the seed-spreaders of Saru-Saru-Sarusa.  I’m sorry, what, Stan?  These are the seed-spreaders of Saru-Saru-Sarusa.  Oh, I haven’t heard of that, Stan.  Oh, is…I looked it up; it was in a database.

 

Scooter, the stairway to heaven’s starting to get pulled into that sun’s gravitational pull, but I’m also getting tired, Scooter, from solving this.  Yeah, we helped these people spread seeds throughout the…this universe or this galaxy, and that’s all we need to do now, Stan.  You could lie down.  I’m gonna lie on your back here and hold you, and hold onto you.  Scooter, it’s like we’re cuddling.  We are cuddling, Stan.  Actually, I’m gonna go…I’ll be back; I’m gonna go slather myself in goop and then sleep.  Okay, Scooter.  Don’t get the goop on me, please, though.  Okay, Stan, I won't.  Hopefully you’ll dream of your Captain Fantasma while I…don’t dream of me slathering myself in goop.  Okay, Scooter, I promise I won't.  Alright, Stan, and I’ll see you soon somewhere.  Okay, Scooter, I’ll see you soon, too.

 

[END OF RECORDING]

(Transcribed by Leah Hervoly)

Notable Language:

• Demi-God Like Powers (DGLPs)
• Deep in My Vacuum Tubes
• The Seed Spreaders of Saro Saro Saro Saw

Notable Culture:

• Motel 6
• Shoeless Joe Jackson
• “Stairway to Heaven” – Led Zeppelin

Notable Talking Points:

• Showcasing my flaws, not my floss
• No Chase is Pointless
• The Great Unwatering