1088 – Fast and Furrowed

Episode 1088 – Fast and Furrowed

 

[START OF RECORDING]

 

SCOOTER:    Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s time for the podcaster who’s…I was just thinking about recycling some papers that I have scattered around me that I have to be care…I say it’s time to recycle some paper, Scoots.  I recycle my…if I had jokes, I would recycle them, but I have…they’re half…they’re halfway-cycled jokes.  I don’t have any cycling jokes either, because I don’t even know where to start.  Say well, flat tires…I don’t know.  That might be a punchline.  You’d say, stripped gears; har…so if you’re confused, if you’re in search of a setup and…but you just got a punchline, and…or you say well, there’s a setup.  A bikeless rides into a bar.  You’re in the right place ‘cause it’s time for Sleep With Me. It’s full of uncomplete thoughts, incomplete jokes.  It’s the podcast that puts you to sleep, and these are the ways we’re able to be here for you for free twice a week.

 

INTRO:    [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing?  Trouble getting to sleep?  Trouble staying asleep?  Well, welcome.  This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  We do it with a bedtime story.  Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play.  I’m gonna do the rest.  What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts, thoughts on your mind, thoughts that you’re thinking about, so thoughts.  Thoughts, yeah; thinking thoughts, feelings, so anything you’re feeling that’s coming up for you emotionally.  So thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, anything maybe you’re feeling physically.

 

Whatever it is that’s keeping you awake, I’m here to take you…to keep you company and take your mind off of it.  I guess my mind is bouncing around here.  But I’m here…I’m basically here to be near your bedside or far away from your bedside, but have my voice within distance that you can just kinda listen to something else, and that I can kinda lightly comfort you, keep you company, and take your mind off whatever’s keeping you awake, because you deserve a good night’s sleep.  That’s really why I’m here, and to attempt to provide that.  The way I attempt to do it is a little bit different than most stuff out there, and I’ll explain all that coming up here.  But the first thing I do is I try to create a safe place that you could come visit or I could send it to you or you could look at it from far away or move slowly closer.

 

Say okay, that’s close enough.  I say, I relate to that.  If my mind hasn’t said that, my body has, or my non-verbal communication or the furrow between my eyes, which is probably…my furrow…they…my…the furrow between my brows has gone verbal.  I got a message from a seismologist.  They said I believe the furrow between your eyes has gone fully verbal.  I said great, does that mean it…?  I don’t know.  Maybe one day I’ll do a podcast…I guess I could do…that could be what the next episode we do…about my furrow and my brow.  I don’t know what we’ll do about it, but I think I’m gonna…hold on, I’m gonna write that down.  So, I guess that’s what we’ll…later on we’ll be talking about.  When I was writing down, I just wrote it down; I cut that out, but then I was writing ideas and I said what about Fast and Furrow, fury…the Furious Furrow at first I thought, and I said well, that’s not very sleepy.

 

Then I said what about Fast and Furrowous?  Said maybe.  So, we’ll see.  But so, what was it about the furrow in my…?  Oh, it went verbal.  Why was that important?  I don’t know, but I’m here to keep you…oh, because…oh, I said that’s close enough.  I think that’s usually…my furrow does that, where it’s…says I’m thinking about something but I’m not willing to talk about it.  So true, right?  Some of you might be able to relate.  If you’ve been…and then if you’re on the receiving end of a furrow…I have resting furrow face though, unfortunately.  I do.  I’m always…there could be…I wouldn’t…we wouldn’t need that on a t-shirt ‘cause it’s already apparent.  But it’s not you.  It’s…this furrow…the furrow up there is not you; it’s me.  Oh, but it could be you, but then it would still be me.  But it might be you.

 

So if my brow is furrowed, it might not be you, but maybe think about if it is, so then I don’t have to talk about it.  But that would make it…so, this could be another one of our super-long t-shirts that we never sell.  So yeah, there’s…so, there’s that.  What was my point?  My point…the pointed furrow.  So whatever’s keeping you awake, I’m here to keep you company and take your mind off it, because your sleep’s important.  So yeah, I got a safe place set aside, then I’ll send it across…my voice across the deep, dark night.  I’ll use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, which means I’m gonna go off-topic, I’m gonna get mixed up, I’ll go back, then I’ll forget what I was talking about.  You just kinda saw that.  Then I’ll say what is this?  Forty furious furrows fantastically…I don’t know.  Frosted French…some…French fudge?

 

No, ‘cause that’s not a tongue twister, but that’s how…that’s me brainstorming a tongue twister in the middle of trying to introduce a sleep podcast.  So…oh, so if you’re new, I’m glad you’re here.  Let me give you some information ‘cause if you’re new, you may be skeptical or you may be doubtful, you may be…even more extreme feelings than that.  So, I want to kinda soothe that for you and give you some information.  But if…I mean, that’s a normal way to come to the show.  That’s how most people get here, ‘cause maybe you tried a ton of stuff to fall asleep, maybe you’ve been searching for something for a long time, you haven’t found anything to help.  Maybe you tried a bunch of different stuff out, maybe somebody told you about the show; you said what?  What is this person talking about?

 

So, I’m gonna…that’s normal, so don’t worry about it.  It takes most regular listeners, like fans of the show…and the feedback I get, it takes them two or three tries to get into the podcast.  So, just see how it goes.  I’m gonna give you a little bit of stuff…I mean, the first thing, like I said, the most important thing is you.  You deserve a good night’s sleep and a place you can rest.  You deserve a bedtime you at least feel neutral about if not that you could look forward to, not one you dread.  You deserve the rest so your life is more manageable.  If you’re getting the rest you need, your life’s gonna be better, and that really means the world I’m in is better to be in.  If your life’s a little bit better and manageable and then if you’re out there flourishing, yeah, that’s important, right?  It’s important to me and it really is true; you deserve it.

 

I’ve been there.  That’s the other reason…you say well, you don’t know me, so how do you know I…?  I say well, ‘cause I’ve been there.  I’ve been on the other side of it, tossing…all that stuff.  So, I know…dreading bedtime; I know how that feels, or waking up.  So, if I can help, it’s important to me.  Now, that’s one caveat; this show does…just doesn’t work for everybody, but see how it goes.  A couple of reasons it doesn’t work for everybody; one, it’s kinda hard at first to listen to a podcast that you’re only barely supposed to listen to, ‘cause your expectation might be okay, when are you gonna put me to sleep or when’s the bedtime story gonna start, or how does this work?  It just kinda works like this.  I mean, I will tell a story.  I guess tonight it’ll be about my furrowed brow or whatever.

 

Probably won’t be that straightforward ‘cause my brow…my furrow ain’t straight…I mean, it’s straightforward in its messaging.  What if one day someone’s like, we elected…so, that person…Scooter’s not the president of the United States; the furrow in his brow is running the country.  They elected that…no, not it.  No, not his furrow.  There was a different one.  They look similar, similar depth and intensity.  You say okay, at least that was a dream Scooter had.  So, not a dream…like a dream I had, not…it’s a made…imaginary dream.  Sorry.  Not a dream I aspire…just a dream that I could have had at night when I was sleeping.  Oh, so what was I trying to say?  Oh, so this is a show you don’t really listen to.  You just kinda barely pay attention.  It’s always going and never starting.  It’s always going nowhere.

 

So, just kinda see how it goes.  So, that’s one thing, is the show is very different.  Just kinda see how it goes, and it’s not for everybody but give it a few tries, ‘cause not listening to a podcast…it’s almost like I’m your friend talking to you in the deep, dark night.  I’m not even here to put you to sleep; I’m here to keep you company, to be your bore-friend, your bore-bae, your bore-sib, your bore-bestie, your bore-bor, your neigh-bore, your bore-bud, your friend in the deep, dark night to keep you company.  So, that’s what my job is.  That’s what I’m here for.  What else do you need to know?  This podcast, you don’t really listen to, it doesn’t really put you to sleep…oh, structure of the show.

 

So, the show is structured very differently, which some people…it’s hard at first, but the show is structured in a way…you can adjust it as you become a regular listener, but it’s kinda built around the specific goals of the podcast.  So, this podcast starts off with a greeting; friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls.  Then I say something silly or ideally barely…almost witty, nearly witty, and…to try to win you over, but also so you feel seen and welcomed in.  You say okay, this is a safe place at least I could check out and look into.  So, that’s the greeting.  Then there’s support for the show, because my goal is that the podcast comes out twice a week for free.

 

A lot of hard work has gone into the show since we started it in 2013 to make every single episode, but I prefer that the podcast come out for free twice a week so that you can list…and you can listen wherever you want to, whatever podcast app you like.  So, the sponsors and the listeners who support the show are what enable us to do that.  Then there’s support for listeners if you’re having a tough time, and then there’s support for communities around the podcast.  Then there’s a intro, and that we’re like, ten minutes into.  The intro’s where I go on and on and on to introduce the podcast.  It’s separate from the support.  It is a show within a show and it serves two purposes; one, to introduce the podcast to new listeners, but for both regular listeners and new listeners, the intro is also part of the wind-down or the turn-down or a buffer between being awake and going to sleep.

 

That’s the only thing that’s really worked for me, is having some kinda wind-down routine.  So, the intro’s a part of that, right, and it just gives you some space to ease into bedtime.  I guess that’s what the intro does.  It’s a buffer.  Some people are listening while they’re getting ready for bed, some people are petting their pets, some listeners are in bed relaxing, some are asleep.  About 2% of people skip ahead to twenty minutes, but many more people listen to story-only episodes on Patreon.  So it’s like, kinda…yeah, you can kinda see how it goes.  There’s actually more people that like the…like listening to the intros than the stories in the paid version, but it’s pretty close.  So just kinda see how it goes at first.  But the intro, at least it’ll help…’cause this podcast is just not gonna put you to sleep instantly.

 

It’s here to keep you company and help you drift into bedtime, like a landing…like a slow landing strip.  So, that’s the intro, then there’s support between the intro and the show.  Again, the podcast can come out twice a week for free and it can support all the work that goes into the show.  Then there’s the story, which tonight apparently will be about a furrowed brow.  I’m gonna have to do some research or something.  Then there will be some thank-yous at the end of the show.  So, that’s the structure of the show, that’s why I make the show.  I’m really glad you’re here.  I really appreciate you checking the podcast out, giving me your time, and I really hope I can help you fall asleep.  Thanks again for coming by, and here’s a couple ways I’m able to do it for you for free twice a week.

 

Alright everybody, it’s Scoots here and this is…it’s gonna be interesting; Fast and the Furrow…this is a story about a furrow and a brow.  Oh boy, is it.  It’s called Fast and Furrow…Furrowish, Furrow…Fast and Furrow…Fury…Furrow…Fast and Furrow…I was trying to say…I’m not doing this as a bit, either.  I wrote it down.  You’d be surprised that saying it is much harder than writing it.  I mean, not spelling it.  Furrow…furious…furrowous…Fast and Furrowous; there we go.  Feels like it…that’s…but that’s the story we’re telling tonight, ‘cause once upon a time there was a being…we’ll just call it…what do you call it?  It’s like above the bridge of my nose, right, and in the middle of my forehead.  Forebridge.

 

Oh boy, there was someone named Forebridge a long, long time ago, and they were a big fan of…we’ll see how much I can remember of the…they were a big fan of bikes.  Holy cow, did they love bike riding.  They loved riding their bike.  Now, they only rode their bike for leisure though, and that…now, not to…what was the name of the thing?  Old Forebridge.  Now, Forebridge came from a family in a world where that’s what you did, is you rode a bike for leisure.  I guess there was a unsophisticated message also broadcast, because part of…deep down, old…what was it?  Bridge…Forebridge; sorry, Forebridge.  I just don’t…getting names down is not my…always my forte, except for Will Forte.  That’s what I was…if you…Forebridge.  It should be easy to remember.

 

You’d think it’d be easy to say, just like Fast and Furrowous is now easy to say.  But so, as old Forebridge…so, Forebridge would secretly see people going by on their bikes, fast.  We’re just talking about bicycles.  They lived in a bicycle-friendly world a lot like ours, though.  There was other…but maybe it was in a different Northern European clime.  I don’t know.  That’s short for climate.  I think they even have words for it, bikes and pedestrian first.  Fantasy; that’s what part of my brain said.  A wonderful fantasy just like this fiction here.  So, but old Forebridge loved riding bikes, and when they’d be out with the family, the family would scoff at those people going by really fast, even if they weren’t going really that fast.  They’d say bikes are for…this is for relaxing and leisure; that’s why we ride our bikes.

 

Also as part of a leisurely experience, we may go get a cone of…if you…do you want to go fast or do you want a cone of creamed ice, Forebridge?  As a lad, of course Forebridge would say well, I’d like to go fast and have ice cream, in their head.  But they knew better.  That old mama and papa Bridge…whatever their names were.  I don’t know.  Mama and papa Bridge.  In this world, you get your name…don’t worry about it.  So, Forebridge, you said well, I’d like both.  But they say okay, I’d prefer the creamed ice.  You say okay, well, biking’s for leisure, right?  Eventually, like a lot of us, Forebridge would see people going fast, and as the way Forebridge saw…mama and papa were his heroine and his hero and they did the best job they could with Forebridge, which wasn’t always easy.

 

The paths we bike on are not all perfect asphalt, you know?  Some of us make an asphalt out of ourselves and our bikes, and that’s just a part of life.  Like papa Forebridge would say, sometimes you ride on the asphalt and sometimes the asphalt rides on you every once in a while.  Until Forebridge experienced that, said what, papa?  I don’t…one day you’ll understand.  Also, it’s a metaphor and it’s not a metaphor.  Forebridge said okay, papa.  So, don’t go fast.  We ride for leisure.  We ride for the love of being in some sort of balance, being propelled forward on a machine that may or may not be efficient.  I’ve heard it described in such a way.  They would do things like whistle and hum, and special occasions…they didn’t go caroling, believe it or not, the Forebridges, Forebridge family.

 

They did sing We Are the Forebridge Family on the Forebridge…the founding of Forebridge Family Day, but that’s…that wasn’t a major holiday.  But they…instead of going carol…they would go caroling on bikes.  They lived in a climate that was, like I said, bike-friendly nine months out of the year.  I mean, ten or eleven if you wore a slicker and you were willing to get a little bit damp or chilled.  So, in their holiday season, they would sing…they would go caroling, go a-caroling.  They even tried fancy things like barreling, but then papa Forebridge said that’s too much.  That’s too…we can’t associate that with the fast bikers, ‘cause how are you gonna care…?  Because of the Doppler Effect, if you were going fast, then caroling would be pointless.  Ideally they would do loops.

 

So, they were pretty good bikers even though they were leisure bikers.  If you bike enough, you get used to biking.  So, Forebridge was always very fit for a…’cause sometimes they’d use lower gears.  Even going slow, they’d go up and down hills, you know?  But deep down in a place that Forebridge couldn’t even see, there was part of Forebridge that wanted to go fast, of course.  Every once in a while, Forebridge would catch some speed on a downhill and feel that thrill.  Papa Forebridge would say please apply your brakes equally in the Forebridge way so that we maintain a reasonable pace and control of our bikes.  Forebridge did fantasize one day; I’ll be just barely on the edge, wind whipping through my hair, where my…even…’cause he saw people with…their cheeks would…they’d be going so fast down the hill, their cheeks would be moving.

 

Or he did have some crushes that went by him and their hair was flowing behind them.  Maybe even their clothes were billowing.  But for the most part, Forebridge said, like a lot of us, adaptable and conforms to the family values.  So, it wasn’t a hard push down into the subconscious, but Forebridge said we don’t go fast; you’re right.  Sometimes what happens with that is that you become overly resistant to change, as we’ve all learned in our own different ways.  Forebridge eventually…he knew Forebridge had Forebridge’s own…they had their own ups and downs, right?  So, their mama and their papa, they went to ride bikes somewhere not in Northern Europe, somewhere so far north the bikes probably were made of clouds or big farm in the sky-type bikes.

 

Forebridge also didn’t realize at the time that there was unrealistic ideals involved, both with pleasing mama and papa Forebridge but living out their…the ideals that Forebridge had created when your mind’s still developing.  So, Forebridge said okay, I’m gonna dedicate my life to leisure biking and making biking leisurely for everyone.  This going fast or putting batteries on bikes or engines on bikes or making bikes…bike…bike racing in a contained area on a track; that was…Forebridge was like, that’s a different world.  I ride a bike outdoors.  Eventually…so, Forebridge kinda knew their calling.  They said one day I’m gonna be a bicycle BEO, man, Bicycle Enforcement Officer, with the Bike Squad.  Forebridge really thought I’m living my dream here; I ride a bike, I get paid to ride a bike leisurely.

 

I ride a bike leisurely, right?  It was actually part of the Bike Squad’s rules; don’t ride fast.  Set a good example first.  The great karmic wheel, they called it.  If someone’s riding fast, eventually they’ll slow down, and karmic…the great karmic wheel of the…the great bike in the…the bike that on which…the spoke on which we…all our lives turn, or our own internal…find your own internal grips or whatever.  I don’t know.  There was a lot to understand about that lifestyle.  They didn’t have separation of rules and belief systems in this world, so it was like it was a combo type thing.  What was it?  Nosebridge?  Bridgenose?  Bridge…Forebridge was into it; said okay, I’m into this, but I’m not into…and every once in a while, Forebridge would get carried away and go a little fast when they saw somebody going fast and they wanted them to go slow.

 

They get called into the boss’ office and she would say Forebridge, we’ve been over this before.  Tell me okay, we believe in the karmic turning of the wheel and that everyone must slow down eventually, and that we have a system to get them a ticket anyway, so you don’t have to go after them or even try to catch up to them even if it’s just slightly a faster pace than leisure.  But Forebridge was by the book, but not always, and so then Forebridge would get very upset and say oh man, I did it again.  Every once in a while, Forebridge would push their bike and toss it and say man, I’m sick and tired of this thing.  But the bigs were watching, and then they tried to mentor Forebridge.  They say, you know, you got a hot temper, kid.  You gotta get that under control.  It’s gonna eat you up in…and make your wheels go flat.

 

This one person they try…said I went out on the hottest day of the year; my tires melted and I stopped moving.  But if I was moving too fast, they would have melted, too.  Forebridge tried…did some quick math on…and they said wait, what?  You know, deep down, Forebridge was in conflict, right?  Wanted to go fast, wanted to go fast but could…it’s not easy living that way, right?  But Forebridge was also committed outwardly to this life, right?  This is my life.  This is what I’m into.  But there was one day Forebridge…after this happened…’cause then Forebridge thought well, maybe I’ll start running after the bikes.  Maybe then I can run fast.  This was one of the trails Forebridge went down.  So I can run fast, right?  If I can’t bike fast, I can run fast.  A couple people said what are you doing, kid?

 

You can’t run faster than a bike.  You’re already on a bike moving at a leisurely pace.  You could barely run faster than that.  But Forebridge thought about all the lessons he learned from his family and said wait a second, there’s never…no one ever said anything about running fast.  No one’s gonna tell me no.  Forebridge got into running as a hobby, right?  Running fast.  Then actually…now, this is where you get into mechanical stuff.  Forebridge was…also had a very mechanical mind.  You learn to fix your own bikes, you learn to maintain them, and Forebridge learned to make this…what do you call that thing?  A kickstand.  He called it a flick-stand so that Forebridge could jump off their bike and start running.

 

Now, this is…especially if you’re moving at a leisurely pace; don’t do this, ‘cause this is fiction and Forebridge was a genius.  Also wearing a helmet at all times, even when running, but…and it had a special bike with tubes, so this was easy.  So, I don’t want you to imagine that it’s just like a regular old ten-speed.  This is a fictional world, a bike-based belief system and governance.  So, but we’re not…that’s not what this story is about, thank goodness.  But so, when they were…when Forebridge was working, if the time was right, the first couple…now, Forebridge has slowly built up this and said okay, I’m gonna be in a running…I’m gonna build up my sprint speed.  A little bit of distance, but a lot more intervals.  Whatever that kind is called where you…Tabata running and all that stuff.  Whatever the other one is; faraltek.

 

A lot of intervals and sprints, but again, some distance.  But Forebridge was more interested in that one day, this is gonna come in handy and also that it was slightly thrilling to run fast, but not…but it wasn’t all the way there.  So, it’s kinda like…I don’t even know, going to a candy store and not buying the candy, I guess.  You say well, I smelled the candy.  I tasted a free sample, but only one free sample per guest.  Forebridge thought about how they did that a lot as a family and said wait a second…but so, Forebridge would get…got into this and said okay, I’ve invented my kickstand.  One day I’m gonna hop off my bike while it’s moving at a leisurely pace in a safe…100% safe way that I’ve practiced over and over and over again, and I’ll catch up with somebody and bust them, you know, for whatever; biking without signals, biking…biking in an aggressive manner, B-I…biking in a…B-I-A-Ms, you know?

 

All that stuff.  So then one day, that’s what Forebridge saw, is someone doing all those things; no turn signals, weaving, yelling, spitting, biking in an aggressive manner.  Forebridge said okay, I’m gonna follow at a leisurely pace.  It’s a pretty busy day.  When they slip up, I’m gonna run after them and chase them down and bust them, because if I can…but you know, it’s a conflict, you know?  There’s two sides to every line or two ends or whatever.  Forebridge was trying to live on both of them unsuccessfully, right?  Conflict; like trying to pump up the front tire to put air in the back tire.  It’s not gonna happen, kid.  No one ever told Forebridge that yet.  But so, Forebridge chased this person down, right?  I think that’s what they said to them, ‘cause they actually stopped.  They said, did you run after me?  They laughed.

 

Forebridge said yeah, you’re biking in an aggressive manner.  They said, was I?  I was just having fun.  Forebridge said it didn’t look like fun to the people…said I was safe; I didn’t bump…I just was…and Forebridge said what about the people that don’t enjoy people biking in an aggressive manner?  Or you spit…and he said in the grass I spit.  I know what I’m doing.  I know how to spit in a somewhat polite manner that won’t please everybody, but that at least is respectful to those people…whatever.  Mostly I was spitting in the sewer.  Forebridge said I guess you did.  They said listen, kid, you gotta loosen up.  You’re pumping your front tire…inflate your back tire.  Don’t you see that?  If you ever want to live life, there’s a bunch of us that…there’s a bunch of us that bike like we’re free.  You know where to find us.  They went off.

 

Forebridge said wow.  Then Forebridge got back to their bike, and…back to their bike and there was other bike officers, Bike Squaders there.  They were like, we’re gonna have to write you up for this.  You can’t just leave your bike.  Where were you?  Why is your…what is this kick…this isn’t a regulation kickstand.  This is some sort of flick-stand that…is this spring-loaded?  They say we’re gonna have to bring you in to meet with the boss again.  They brought…and the boss said what happened?  Forebridge said…they said who…they said sorry boss, I’m sorry you’re so upset you can’t say my name, but yeah, I mean, I was trying to…someone was biking aggressively and I just ran after them.

 

I was…and Forebridge actually…another lesson; maybe some…Forebridge told a untruth and said I was tying my shoe and I couldn’t get back on my bike in time, and I just happened to run after them because I had…that’s what I found myself doing.  They weren’t that far; I guess I lost track of time.  Yeah, that’s a spring-loaded flick-stand.  I was working on it to preserve the life of tires after…you know, remember the boss before you that used to be around here to try to mentor us?  They were always talking about hot pavement.  I can’t get it out of my head, that hot pavement.  I said, is there a way to lift both wheels of the bike off the hot pavement?  The boss, she said wow, I’ve always thought about…I’ve always been bothered by hot pavement since those idioms or whatever they were trying to instill in me, too.

 

But I don’t know.  There’s something about your story that doesn’t quite add up.  Who did you talk to?  Did you write a ticket?  What was the bike number?  Forebridge realized that they didn’t…they said well, it was this person, and they looked kinda tough.  They had on a jean jacket with no sleeves on.  On the bike…back, it had a patch and it was called Furrow-Free or something.  The boss, she said what…never…interesting.  You didn’t write…you didn’t get the bike number or their name or anything?  You just let them ride off into the sunset?  Said well, I guess I was confused by…’cause I had been tying my shoe and I had to get…I wanted to get back to my bike.  The boss, she said I don’t know about any of this.  You’re gonna have to take a week off of work, unpaid.  You can leave your bike here.

 

Also give us the plans for the flick-stand.  Obviously on the surface to the low…under the surface for old Forebridge, this was pretty not-great news.  Those of us familiar with stories will say oh, don’t worry; it’s all gonna work out in an adventure and all that.  But for Forebridge, it was…this was their way of life, you know?  It’s like, what…I’m gonna lose my job here.  Then what…my life has no meaning.  I should say this, that Forebridge was also devastatingly handsome.  When I say devastatingly handsome, no matter what, you’d say oof, man, whether you were attracted to them or you were feeling FOMO, like man, I wish I…does that person know…I would like to know what it looks like to look like that.  But Forebridge really was caught up…that wasn’t part of…Forebridge was aware of it but not aware of the power.

 

A bit of…aloof.  I think ‘cause it would have meant going fast in other ways or something.  So, but Forebridge was out walking with a sense of…like a puppy dog, lost, and there’s nothing more handsome than a handsome, lost puppy dog that…with steely-blue eyes who’s re-evaluating…like, in the midst…they’re in the midst of a personal dilemma that they don’t even realize is a personal dilemma…a real one that’s a call to adventure.  So, Nosebridge was walking around…bridge…Forebridge; sorry.  Eventually they bumped into somebody and it was somebody wonderful.  She said excuse you.  Forebridge said excuse me.  Sorry about that.  I was just doing some thinking.  She said that’s quite a furrow on your brow there.

 

What do you…you must be thinking about something important, ‘cause you look furrowous.  Forebridge was like, what?  Then she made this…somehow, her forehead would not furrow in that way.  But when she wrinkled her forehead and her dimples came out, you…there was nothing Forebridge could do but laugh, ‘cause she was also smiling while furrowing her brow.  Her eyes, instead of the normal furrow, they lit up.  Forebridge couldn’t think of anything to say.  I don’t know if the ability to go…talk like this comes with good looks too, but he said thanks, I needed that.  She said no problem.  I’m here every day.  Forebridge said oh, is that…really?  Or are you just saying that, or are you just here today?  ‘Cause I guess I got the right day.

 

She said no, I work on this…this shave ice truck is mine, right here, that you bumped into me in front of.  I was just about…how about a shave ice?  Forebridge said is this…this is your shave ice stand?  She said it’s a truck.  It’s parked here.  Yes, it is.  Forebridge said yeah, I’d love one, but how about I come and buy you one after you get off of work?  She laughed again, the kinda laugh that makes your…that makes…they say holy cow.  She said sure, but I’ll charge you full price and make sure to tip.  Maybe we could skip the ice and get dinner instead, ‘cause I’ll probably be hungry for dinner, ‘cause even if I have a shaved…and Forebridge said okay.  So, they went out to dinner and Forebridge was immediately smitten.  Then they went out again.

 

But there was something…she was busy and Forebridge also noticed that the shaved ice business was incredibly…the cash flow was monumental for such a small stand.  Forebridge said that’s interesting.  She asked…also was like, you want to go biking?  Forebridge was…no, no; I’m taking some…I’m taking a break.  She said, why?  Forebridge said it’s complicated.  Family stuff, work stuff.  She said well, you look pretty fit.  Forebridge said, I am.  Then she laughed at that because she said who says that except for people like…that actually are and…?  She said I like you a lot.  Forebridge said me too, and then Forebridge laughed because Forebridge said I meant you.  They laughed together, they kissed, and eventually she learned that Forebridge could run pretty fast while she was…the same speed for a distance while she was leisurely riding.

 

So, they did that for a time.  Eventually she learned that Forebridge was getting ready to go back to work for Bike Squad.  She said, you work for Bike Squad?  Forebridge said yeah, I did.  I don’t know if I still will.  Got into some…and she said okay, well…but Forebridge said is that a…she said it’s fine, I guess.  She said, but I’ll tell you what; I’m trying to run my shave ice business.  I don’t want to associate with any of the governing institutions, so can you do me a favor and not come by in uniform or talk about it at all?  I’m sorry, but it’s just something I could tell you later, maybe one day.  Forebridge said okay, as long as you don’t ask me to go fast on a bike when I get back on to ride.  She laughed ‘cause she said, are you serious?  Forebridge said yeah, it’s personal.  I’ll tell you about it one day.

 

Then even though they were both in their own personal dilemma, something…there was still an established intimacy there based in truth, but not full knowledge of your own truth; just…so then they kissed, a light kiss, but one that…there was fireworks going off.  Holy cow.  Their hearts had touched one another for real, and metaphorically.  Definitely…only metaphorically.  Definitely not for real, because that wouldn’t be possible.  Then the next day, Forebridge went back to work and they said did you think about…we looked at this thing.  This is amazing stuff.  The boss said I want to introduce you to a different division of the department, and…’cause you’re no longer gonna be riding around on…doing official business.  You’re gonna be doing official business, but unofficially.  Forebridge said, what?

 

They said come on in this other division.  This is the division where people bike fast sometimes, occasionally when necessary.  This is a pretty drawn-out part of the story, so I won’t get into it, but basically they…the boss said I saw you had an edge, and it takes an edge to work in this department.  No one even knows about it.  Officially, since you were off work, your story’s gonna go to all your co-workers and everybody out there that you’ve been let go because of…off…using non-OEM parts on a company bike, jumping off your bike and running, go…repeated times going fast.  Also we heard about you throwing your bike around, so you’re no longer gonna be…but you will still be with us as part of the department.  You’re still a member of Bike Squad, just a member of Secret Bike Squad.

 

Forebridge said okay, sounds cool, actually.  So I’ll be able to go fast occasionally.  Then Forebridge met the rest of the department, a variety of personality types, the whole thing.  Very archetypal experience, Secret Bike Squad.  But there’s something about it that…it felt very…a lot of the archetypes were not the kind of fuzzy archetypes you’re…that…they were still by the book.  It was almost like these people had got into Secret Bike Squad because they loathed going fast, even faster than the regular run-of-the-mill person like Forebridge that loathed going fast, ‘cause everything was about recuperating after occasionally riding your bike faster than at a leisurely pace.

 

Maybe it was ‘cause Forebridge had fallen in love and taken some time off of work that this just seemed too extreme, and maybe ‘cause for a split second Forebridge thought I’m gonna be able to go fast and be free, because my heart’s been running free mostly, and it’s been in the arms of another who I feel like has seen me or has had a glimpse into me, that I’m aware that this is just a…whatever.  I don’t have the complicated words to describe it; part of a system, a wheel that the Khaleesi would say is not acceptable.  But Forebridge went along with it because this…a lot of these thoughts were still bubbling and I’m only able to put them together ‘cause I get to tell the tale and try to…this was a training…and it didn’t just happen in one minute, just like Forebridge didn’t fall in love with the nameless person they were in love with in a minute.

 

It only took a few days.  This training took a few weeks.  It kinda worked out because Forebridge had said well, I swear…sworn to secrecy of Secret Bike Club, so even the…going back to the shaved ice place to see Dimpleina…it would be easier if her name was like, Mia, but…Dia, and she said well, how did your first day back at work go?  Thanks for coming in your regular clothes.  Forebridge said I don’t work there anymore.  I’ve been let go.  I’m working at my uncle’s shop now, working on leisurely bicycles that can only…govern…bicycle governance 101.  That way I could keep paying the old beels.  She laughed at that.  She said so, you’re not on Bike Squad anymore.  She was very happy about it, so happy about it that Forebridge said well, I didn’t realize this was such a big deal.

 

Why is this such a big deal to you that I’m not on Bike Squad anymore?  She said it just is, and she kissed him and she said you’ll understand when you meet my family.  Forebridge said oh boy, I’m gonna meet your family.  You barely ever talk about them.  She goes well, I have not…she goes, my family’s…she goes, don’t worry about it.  Forebridge said, okay.  Now meanwhile, back at the Secret Bike Squad, they said we’re…there’s this group of people that ride their bikes really fast.  Furrow…they call themselves the Furrow-Free.  We also suspect that they’re doing other stuff and making money doing it, and they’re representing without being taxed, which is…that’s not gonna fly.  So, we want you to get all the info you can.

 

They showed Forebridge the members of this…and the person that Forebridge had met was pretty low down Furrow-Free, but it was this guy Don and a couple other people.  But Don was their leader.  It just so happened that the next day was the day Forebridge was supposed to eat dinner with Dia’s family.  Of course went over, and Dia met Forebridge at the door and hugged him and kissed him and said I want to show you around.  She said this is my cousin, this is her partner, this is old Squiggles.  Don’t worry; Squiggles is a real grouch.  Then went out to the backyard and said this is my…the heart of my family, my brother Don.  Forebridge said wa-wa, you know, and then Don turned around from the grill.  It was Don from the Secret Bike Squad that they’re looking into.

 

Then Forebridge realized that a lot of them had Furrow…whatever, Furrow-Free jackets.  Don said I heard you used to work for Bike Squad.  You got fired?  Whatever, Forebridge said yeah, I tricked out my bike and I went too fast too many times, and then I would…yeah.  So, they let me go.  Don just laughed and said well, it’s good to have you here.  Dia seems to love you.  Maybe I’ll learn to like you or tolerate you.  Hardy-har-har.  This pattern went on for a little while.  Meanwhile, Forebridge did not tell work that he’s hanging with…but they said we want you to get in on…and get into these Furrow-Free races where you could earn some money.  We’ll even stake you.  Eventually Don and Forebridge became kinda…not buddies but close enough.  Say hey, why don’t you come out to the…what we do at night to our larger family?

 

Forebridge said okay, and they went out.  It was actually a beautiful biking festival.  There was bike races but there was also different styles of bike races.  There was family stuff.  It was wholesome.  There was a section where you say okay, that’s…but for the most part, it was an experience.  There was a lot of equipment; helmets and elbow pads and knee pads and bike repair, scrape cleaning.  Forebridge said what is this?  He said, this is the Furrow-Free Club, kid.  He tapped him right on his furrow and he goes, no furrows allowed.  Hardy-har-har.  Forebridge said well, that’s just the way I am.  Don said we’ll see if we can’t do something about that.  I want you to go on a dirt bike race with me and go as fast as you can.  They did, and then they did it again the next weekend, and then they did different races.

 

But Forebridge started to see that this was its own belief system, that this was a community.  I guess it was a unstructured belief system, but they believed in going fast and free and fun, but in a way that supported one another or yeah, if you got…if you rode on the dirt, sometimes the dirt rode on you, but family’s there to pick you up, right?  I think that’s what Don said one time.  Now meanwhile, Forebridge was pretty good at these bike races, different ones.  So, Forebridge started to earn some money.  Then Forebridge said what do I do with this money, ‘cause…?  Don said well, you don’t have very much right now, so don’t worry about it.  But you eventually…it depends on if you want to…you’re outside of the system now, kid.

 

So, you have to figure out a way to put the money back in the system, or you remain outside the system.  Forebridge said, what’s the system?  He said well, there’s…we live in a place where there’s an official belief system and an official government.  They like to take money twice a…four times a year and on Sundays, too, and in a non-optional manner.  So, but this is not…because this is kind of its own…it’s not its own belief system.  We don’t run counter their beliefs.  I mean, I guess we do, but we…just because we believe in riding fast and safe doesn’t mean it negates them riding at a leisurely pace.  You understand?  Forebridge, ever since I met your sister, I understand right here.  Don cried a little bit because he said…he goes, that’s where your furrow melts away, by the way, right there.

 

He hugged him and he said…explained how the…that’s what the shaved ice stand did, but it also generated its own money and Dia liked running it and came up with their own mixes and all that stuff.  But eventually Secret Bike Squad was saying you gotta get some results here, man.  Then they started putting a secret biker on him.  So, then what happened was they figured out the shaved ice thing first.  Dia got in trouble but no one knew why, not even Forebridge at first, ‘til he went over to meet her for a date and Don said she got run in because somehow they figured out about the shaved ice being a business.  No shaved ice place could generate $40 million a year or whatever.  I guess that’s…and Don was mad at Don’s self instead of anybody else, and saying just…said I knew we should have expanded.

 

Forebridge said forty…and Don said I’m just kidding, but too much.  Not enough shaved ice.  Needed more than one banana stand, as they say.  So, then Forebridge went…put three and three together and went back to Secret Bike Club and said what are…you been following me?  They said you’re darn right we’ve been following you, ‘cause you haven’t been following the rules, kid.  We’re aware that you’re sitting…that you made money bike…we could see the joy in your heart.  Look at this picture; your furrow has decreased 80%.  Blah, blah, blah.  Then it was a really boring part of the…’cause then Forebridge had secretly been getting a patent based on their…all their work with the flick-stands, because it ended up there was way other applications.

 

So, and also Forebridge had hired forensic numbers people and they said actually, the shaved ice stand has paid everything.  In some sense, it’s not even…I guess it’s a misrepresentation, ‘cause this was all being done in the Secret Bike Courts, CBCs or whatever, or SBCs.  Forebridge was like, so, this isn’t gonna stand.  I’m gonna do something about this.  Then what happened was they leaked things to Don, the Secret Bike Squad, to totally put…so that Forebridge would have no other options.  Then there was this big chase where Forebridge was chasing Dom…Don and they were chasing each other.  Forebridge said well, listen…finally they were like, why are we chasing each other when we should just talk this out?  Forebridge explained everything.

 

First, Don was really upset and he said we have to race for it, the forensic audit and everything.  If I win, you give me all the audit stuff and you never see my…you never see Dia again or me or anybody.  But Forebridge said I got one other piece of secret leverage.  Don said I don’t wanna know about it ‘cause I don’t trust you anymore, but I kinda do.  I love you but I don’t trust you.  Meanwhile, me and my sister are in trouble because of you.  Forebridge said okay, well, if I win, I want to be part of the family forever, meaning your sister and I will get married and you’ll accept me and accept…you’ll see that I’m trustworthy as a person.  Not perfectly trustworthy, but even my career at Secret Bike Squad was built on untruths.  So, they had this big race.  It was a multi-stage race, multi-type bikes.

 

Of course, Don dominated the whole time, but there was a section that was through a mud thing, and what happened was Don had this huge lead so that they…and they said when I go through the mud thing, you have to go at a slow, leisurely pace to get through the mud.  But as long as I have this giant lead, there’s no way this kid’s ever gonna catch up.  It was the last stage of the race because it was like, it takes focus to ride your bike through this deep mud at a leisurely pace.  So, Don’s focused.  Now meanwhile, they set all the rules and Forebridge was listening.

 

So, as soon as Forebridge hit the mud, Forebridge picked up the bike which was very heavy, and this is why no…it wasn’t a rule; it was like, for most people, it would have been impossible to run with the bike through the mud and catch up with Don, but not so for Forebridge because of their excellent fitness, steely blue eyes, and their experience at running, and probably running with a bike at other times that didn’t make it into this story.  So, Forebridge won the race, just barely got on their bike and rolled across the finish line right before Don, and then told Don about the patent on the kickstand or the flick-stand, and that they had a patent and it was a powerful, multi-use device, and that even though there was no separation of belief systems and governance, there was a third power or whatever they call it with…where stuff was decided like that.

 

That’s why the forensic went…or audit went so well, too.  Now they had this patent; they couldn’t just take the patent from me.  They have to compensate me.  They had already started putting these flick-stands on every bike in the department, on Bike Squad and Secret Bike Squad, and even Kiddie Bike Squad.  Don said, so?  And said so, I’ll give them the patent in exchange for them realizing that there was nothing…that we’ll just close down the shaved ice business and all will be good.  Then we’ll go back to…and Don said I’ll have to think about it.  He needed some time, Dia needed some time, but love and family, they always meander their way back.  So when they realized that Forebridge’s plan worked, they were all amazed and eventually they all held each other back in open arms and happiness as one big family.  The end.  That was the story of the Fast and Furrowous.  Goodnight.

 

[END OF RECORDING]

(Transcribed by Leah Hervoly)

Notable Language:

• The Forebridge
• The Great Kharmic Bike Wheel of Life
• Biking in an Aggressive Manner (BIAM)

Notable Culture:

• Fast & Furious
• Game of Thrones
• Arrested Development

Notable Talking Points:

• Do you want to go fast or do you want some creamed ice?
• That’s not a regulation kick stand
• No Shave Ice business could generate $40 million a year