1086 – The Sound of Drums | Sleeping With Doctor Who S3 E12
A toblerone time lord trickster appears to take us to bed with their tangents.
Episode 1086 – The Sound of Drums | Sleeping With Doctor Who S3 E12
[START OF RECORDING]
SCOOTER: Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Trees and Multi-forms, whether you call it…where…whether you say Gallifrey or Gallifrey, whether you travel in a TARDIS or you…when you travel, you show up tardy, this is the podcast where the jokes are tardy. They’re beyond tardy ‘cause they’re…they only arrive half…what if…what’s the word for if you show up tardy and you’re only halfway there? Well, I’m only…I’m barely halfway anywhere and if you’re thinking that, you’re in the right place ‘cause it’s time for Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. Thanks for supporting, patrons.
INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts you’re thinking about about the past, the present, the future, thinking stuff, feelings, anything coming up for you emotionally that you’re feeling, physical sensations, anything you’re feeling there, changes in time, temperature, routine, stuff’s coming up, stuff just happened, you got something going on, you…you’re staying somewhere or someone’s staying with you, you’re preparing for guests.
That’s where I am, preparing for guests. Not the number-one cause of sleeplessness, but it’s in the top…definitely beyond…well beyond the top 100. Top 20? Probably. Could be in the top…lower-top 10, I would say. Preparing for guests. Also a new podcast I just invented. There should be one; Preparing for Guests. It could be a podcast about preparing for guests or things guests are interested in, or things interesting to people who prepare for guests. Anyway, what was I talking about? Whatever’s keeping you awake, I’m here to take your mind off of it. The way I’m gonna do it is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents. I’m gonna try to smooth this space and pat it down, send it to you, or you could come by or you could look at it from afar.
So, creaky, dulcet tones means my voice is imperfect but ideally comforting…just comforting enough. I’m never…I’m always in the…I’m in the middle range, right? I’m not. I’m in the lower-third, right? Creaky, dulcet tones…you’d say yeah, those are in the lower-third, so you don’t need to listen to them. They’re not super soothing ‘cause for me, it’s like oh boy, that’s too soothing. I need something to make you feel normal. Pointless meanders and superfluous tangents…I think of those ones, I would be…I would definitely be…if there was a world where those were considered high-performing or cutting-edge, I would be that, but I don’t think…pointless meanders and superfluous tangents are not really…they don’t really get categorized that way, probably because ideally they put you to sleep or you…’cause you don’t need to listen to them; you just kinda barely listen.
So if you’re new to this show, welcome. Glad you’re here. We’re already getting started with the info because that’s one of the things I like to point out early, is this is a podcast you don’t really listen to. You just kinda barely listen because it’s full of pointless meanders and superfluous tangents, where I get mixed up or I go off-topic. So, it’s just kinda like listening to a TV in another room that you…that’s not getting on your nerves; it’s kind of like a soothing sound. You say okay, that’s like a murmuring. But the other thing is, you can listen to this show ‘cause it’s not really here to put you to sleep. It’s here to keep you company while you fall asleep. I’m here to take your mind off of stuff, to be your bore-friend, your bore-bae, your bore-sib, your bore-bud, your bore-bestie, your bore-bor, your neigh-bore, your bore-bruh, whatever it is, your bore-friend in the deep, dark night.
I’m here to keep you company while you fall asleep. I’m a friend you don’t need to listen to who’s talking for your benefit and you don’t have to listen to me. I don’t bring…even though my puns could be considered crummy, I don’t bring any crumbs in. You don’t have to pick after me. You don’t have to worry about anything ‘cause I’m coming to you via ones and zeroes. I put the…I don’t even know. I put the…well, I guess I put both…I put the log, the sawing logs in analog, and I probably put the first part in there too when I’m making a…I’m making rear ends out of myself and me. But what am I talking about? So, it’s a podcast you don’t really need to listen to. It’s a sleep podcast that doesn’t put you to sleep, just keeps you company. The other things…there’s other things you need to know. Most people don’t like this show.
It does not work for most people, and it works for almost no one on the first try. So if you’re skeptical or you’re doubtful, just see how it goes, because I don’t know if this show will help you, but for most listeners…a million people plus have said it took two or three tries before I realized I was…this podcast was perfect for me, because I stopped paying attention or I just kinda barely pay attention. It takes a little while to get used to and of course you’re gonna be scoutful or doubtful or skeptical, because if you’re like me and a lot of listeners, you tried other stuff to put you to sleep, it just hasn’t worked, and it’s not easy. That’s why I make the show, because one, I know how it feels; trouble getting asleep, trouble staying asleep, all that stuff. Tossing, turning, mind racing, I got all that.
I know what it’s like to dread bedtime, to feel lonely in a room with another person because you can’t sleep, or lonely in a room alone or lonely in a room with my dog Koa on the floor looking at me. Then I pat her head and I say well, we’re not alone. It just feels lonely, Koa. She says yeah, ‘cause I’m down here on the floor. Could use some human warmth. I say well, no offense, but I don’t need any dog warmth. I have…but…oh, back to…so, I’m here to keep you company. Whatever it is that’s keeping you awake…to take your mind off of stuff, because you deserve a good night’s sleep, and I hope I can provide that because if your life is more manageable, if you’re getting the sleep you need, it means our world is a better place to be in because your world’s better, and that is important. So, it’s important to me.
What else do you need to know? What other good news you got? You don’t get to the point, it doesn’t put me to sleep, it doesn’t…not everybody likes it, it takes getting used to. Oh also, it has a very different structure; intentional. More good news. The show’s structure is very intentional. You could…as you get used to it, you could adjust. But yeah, it kinda fits the goals of the show. So, the show starts off with a greeting; friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Trees and Multi-forms ‘cause it’s a Doctor Who episode, but that’s so you feel welcome, seen, and you get maybe the show is a little bit silly. Then there’s support for the show so it could come out for free twice a week on any podcast app, which is great. That’s my goal; free for anybody. It’s optional to pay for the podcast.
It’s optional to support the sponsors. Then there’s support for listeners, there’s support for communities around the show, and then there’s the intro of the show, which we’re doing now. Now, sometimes if people don’t like the podcast…and by the way, if you don’t like it, check out sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou. It has other sleep audio or ways to express your displeasure with me and the show, which is totally fine. I get it. I’ve been there. I got stuff I like and don’t like too, so that’s why I give you a option, ‘cause your sleep is important to me. But if you’ve given it a few tries, this will help, because I’m already mixed up; I don’t…forgot what the point I was gonna make was. Oh, structure of the show. So, we’re in the intro which…oh, if people have a strong feeling about the podcast or that it needs support, they lump the intro in with the support and the sponsors.
But the intro is really a show within a show. It’s like ten, fifteen, twenty minutes long, where I introduce the podcast to new listeners, but my regular listeners…what up, regular listeners and fishes? What up, my fishes and other pets? Mammals…whether you’re…however it runs in your…however your circulatory system runs, warm or cool, I’m saying hello to my pets, my…what we could…could we call you all…I guess it wouldn’t be accurate to call you all animal companions. Those of you with cambium or whatever it is that…you know, all you plants out there…hey, by the way, minerals, what’s up? I love you. Minerals, have I…? I don’t think I’ve ever pointed you out on the podcast and said animal, mineral, vegetable, plasmids, plasmas, neutrinos. By the way, thanks for being here tonight.
I don’t know what you are. It’s a word I’ve heard. I relate it to dark…I always relate stuff that…like that to dark matter and why I try to sneak into those particle accelerators and particle colliders, but…neutrinos everywhere…even if you feel like a neutrino…sometimes I do. Usually it’s when I say well, I don’t want a Gatorade or a Kirkland Signature. I could go for a neutrino. Refreshing. May or may not have electrolytes. I don’t know. Probably not. Don’t bring it…by the way, if you show up to a particle collider and you say I brought a extra case of neutrino, they wont let you in. They call the same number they call every time. Oh, but I was saying why the intro goes on and on and on.
Well, the intro goes on and on and on if you’re new for like, fifteen to ten to twenty to eighteen to seventeen, sixteen, thirteen, twelve, eleven minutes sometimes so that it eases you into bedtime. So, regular listeners are doing a bunch of different stuff; getting ready for bed, maybe they’re doing a wind-down or a stretch or they’re drawing, they’re knitting, they’re hooking, they’re lying, foam rolling, lying around. I hope nobody’s lying, like telling a fib while they’re listening to the podcast as part of your bedtime routine. But you could be. That’s fine. I mean, it probably isn’t that great an idea, but maybe you’re just…I don’t know, doing some cosplay…you’re pretending to fib. Oh boy. Yeah, I don’t know where that came from. But so, the intro, for a lot of listeners, is how they ease into bedtime.
Some people are in bed getting comfortable, a few percentage of listeners are asleep, a few percentage of listeners skip the intro, start the show at twenty minutes. But for the most part, what I’ve learned is I need to ease into bedtime, a slow wind-down, a twilight period, a landing strip. The podcast helps to offer that, or the intro. It eases you into bedtime. I think I said that. So, that’s what the intro is. Then there’s again support between the intro and the story so the podcast…believe it or not, this show takes a lot of work. It’s supposed to sound free and easy, and all that work is empowered by the sponsors and our patron’s supporters. So, I appreciate it…so that it can come out and be optional. Then there’s…tonight we’ll be talking about Doctor Who. Who? Whom. No, Doctor Who.
I think Episode 12, though it could be 13. I think Episode 12, though it could be…I don’t…but we’ll be talking about a episode of Doctor Who. If you’ve never seen it or you’re a fan, don’t worry; it’ll be very meandering. I think Toblerone gets mentioned more than once, or Tob…whatever, bird cages, but not in an aggressive way. Atmospheric bird cages without birds in them, the ones you kinda see at antique stores. You know, the raspberry bird cage, the one Prince was singing about, the kind you find at a secondhand store. That could be…if…another name…if you want to call hotels and see if I’m staying there, if I’m not under Schwar Nardonnay or Noir Chardonnay or the other names I’ve made up that I forgot, maybe I’ll be under raspberry bird cage. I think I could pull that off. I’d need…I’d probably need…raspberry bird cage. I don’t know. I’m thinking about it.
Oh, sorry, I’m introducing the podcast. So, that’s…I didn’t even know what I was…oh, Doctor Who. So, we’ll talk about Doctor Who for a while, and then there’s thank-yous at the end. I think that’s about it. The show is really here to help you and keep you company so that you could fall asleep. It does…like I said, give it a few tries. You got nothing to lose. Really, I have nothing to gain. I hope I gain a new listener that I help sleep. That’s the way the show flourishes, if you’re flourishing. Again, if not, check out sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou. There’s other sleep podcasts on there and sleepy audio. But I really appreciate you coming by, or if you’re a regular listener, thank you so much. Thanks for checking the show out or being here night after night. I could not do it without all of you. So, I’m glad you’re here. I work really hard, I yearn and I strive. I really hope I can help you fall asleep, and here’s a couple of ways I’m able to do it for you for free twice a week.
Alright everybody, Scoots here. Starting up The Sound of Drums, Season 3, Episode 12. When we last left off, we were on a cliffhanger; the Utopia launching, will…the TARDIS gone. Bye, bye…big music. That was the cliffhanger. Doctor’s face and…Sleep With Me; that’s the podcast I make. But this episode, The Sound of Drums, opens with some sort of portal. Coming through the portal is the…or a void, I put. Word void? Weird void. Walls…pause; there’s stuff on the walls. There’s sound effects, there’s signs on the walls that say Vote Saxon, S-A-X-O-N. But the Doctor, Jack, and Martha come through. Let’s see, action…then we get Earth sound effects…Earth, 21st century action flashback. He’s here…signs…drums on a tin cup. All launch in Saxon or something. Mr. Saxon…Martha knows him.
Harold Saxon, Prime Minister. Kiss…healing medicine…needs a doctor. Smile…open. So, we find out that the Doctor…the boss from the last episode…travel without a time capsule; that’s rough. Yeah, they’re walking, hands in their pockets, looking around. Luck? No. The Doctor says I fixed your device. It wasn’t luck that your device worked. I used my screwdriver, ‘cause I had to get away from the LARPers that wanted to play. Then the three of them portaled out. They portaled…time agent…vortex manipulator, but we don’t have the TARDIS. Could be anywhere. Doctor’s like no, he’s here. Who is he? It wasn’t the professor. Time Lord regenerated, changed…voice, body, new everything. Doctor sees somebody tapping a cup. How are we gonna find him? Doctor wonders.
I know him…I know…I’ll know him the moment I see him. Time Lords always do. Could be anyone, though. There’s a lot of signs; Saxon Is Your Man. We missed the election. Then we see the news on a big screen. Everybody’s celebrating. New prime minster, Harold Saxon. Martha knows his voice. Heard it hundreds of times. We all have. Charismatic leader with the comedy charm, possibly. Harold Saxon. The boss is the Prime Minister of Great Britain. He kisses his wife. Doctor’s even more surprised about that. Harold Saxon says this country needs medicine, needs a Doctor, I’d go so far as to say. That’s when it opens, with his big smile. Sound of Drums, Russel Davies…he goes into the prime minister’s office. He’s getting all these red reports, policy stuff, updates. His wife says I’m proud of you, Harry.
He kisses her again. We see Tiff…is that Tish? Tish, Martha’s sister, Latisha Jones, Tish. He says okay, don’t worry, I’ll have some work for you. You look great. Keep up the good work. Everybody laughs. She says, that’s not…I don’t appreciate your tone. Then the…Harold Saxon goes in. A lot of red walls, red folders. He throws the folders in the air. This is his cabinet or whatever. They say, my word. But he says I’m funny. They say, we don’t appreciate this attitude. We’re here to do cabinet stuff. We gotta get down to policy, business. Then he goes no, no, no. I have something I want to say. I’m the prime minister. He takes a breath, he says thank you, all of you. He says…he tells…you’re two-faced. You just…the only reason…he goes, you don’t really believe in anything. They say what is…? What do you mean?
He goes, I’m gonna make myself clear, that…and he makes a funny face. Oh, he goes funny is this. Not funny is this; he makes frowny faces and smiley faces. You’re traitors…no…yeah, whatever. As soon as you saw the vote coming my way, you got on my bandwagon. Saxon bandwagon, eh? This is your reward. Then he creates…he has them all go…he says I’m gonna sing you a lullaby. They say, really? Then he sings them a lullaby. They all fall asleep, a sleep deeper than Sleeping Beauty. He kicks back; he says okay, get ready. So, then they all go sleepy-sleep. They take a resty-poo and they say I can’t believe you’re putting all the cabinet to sleep. You’re gonna need us. He goes nope, not gonna need you. Everybody rests, he does his own tapping. He’s tapping the same thing.
Let me look at my notes…then we go to Martha’s apartment. So, the PM, red folders, Harriet, so proud. Tish, WTF. Big meeting…funny…fireplace made of marble. Thank you…snivelling, not funny. Finger to lips…funny-like. Not funny like this. Here’s your reward…had a Stark-type symbol on something. Trick-or-treat, smell my feet, they say. Two thumbs up, drums on the desk…two fingers. Then Martha’s apartment. Here…whole two office with Tish, mom? Vixon roach…Lucy…twenty minutes. Tish sit in…out you go. She tells Mrs. Saxon the truth…a lie…everything a lie. Celebrities for Saxon. Doctor stumped. All inverted. Learn now…leave now? After Harriet Jones, Archangel Network…not essential. Bright but harmless. I think it was time I was wanted. He was so good…zoom. For better or for worse. Hello, Mrs…Mr. Saxon.
Oh, hello. Your new might…I’m the boss. These are my friends. Then he brings out these bird cage balls which are actually other beings. I’m sorry, can’t let you hear the drum beat. You can’t hear the drum beat closer and closer? Oh dear. The balls talk. They run out of the door, but have come…the balls, they take…oh no, Harold Saxon’s wife leave the office. They say 98, 99%. How much time? Hug. Tomorrow morning, everything’s good to go. Okay, so Jack’s calling somebody. Can’t get ahold of them. Saxon website’s been around for ages. Martha’s like, this is so weird. This was only four days after I met you right now. He’s been flying around the universe the whole time? He’s a Time Lord. What about the rest of it? Show me Harold Saxon. Martha checks her voicemail. Tish calls. I got a new job.
They phoned me up out of the blue. Then Tish is in the office with a reporter or somebody doing a thinkpiece. Yeah, so she’s a reporter. She wants a interview with Mrs. Saxon. I’m here to interview Mrs. Saxon. You can’t barge in, but she does. Sunday Mirror, Vivien Rook. Mrs. Saxon says I’m tired. She says, can I call you Lucy? Everyone’s talking about Harold Saxon. What about you? Just twenty minutes, please. She says well, maybe. She goes, the power behind the throne. Britain’s First Lady. Front page. She says oh, okay, I suppose. Go on, then. Tish is like…and she goes oh Tish, why don’t you put my coat away? Leave us alone, the reporter says. Tish says I’m supposed to be here, but Mrs. Saxon says don’t worry about it. I’ll be fine. So, Tish gets escorted out of the office.
The reporter says listen, Miss Saxon, I have reason to believe your husband is not a human being, that he’s tricking the whole world and he’s not who he says he is. She goes, are you aware of this, that it’s all a tricky-poo? Then we see a ad with Sharon Osbourne saying she’s gonna vote for Saxon, some boy band, somebody else. I don’t know, famous people saying they’re…they love Saxon and he’s a fine, handsome man. He was the one who helped Christmas Eve save the day. He goes back years, everyone knows the story. Cambridge, rugby, wrote a novel, went into business, marriage, everything. He’s got a whole history. Doctor doesn’t buy it. This doesn’t make any sense. Then we go back to the reporter and his…the First Lady. I didn’t even go to Cambridge. This is all…there is no Harold Saxon.
It’s obvious, but no one can see it. We’re oblivious to the obviousness of it. It’s mesmerized the whole world. Eighteen months ago, that’s when he appeared. This is his first actual appearance even though he has a fake history…after Harriet Jones and the Archangel Network appeared. That’s when Harold Saxon…she goes no, this is…she goes, where’s the cabinet, by the way? Somebody said they’re asleep, or trick-or-treat, smell my feet. She goes, how should I know? Good family, especially bright, essentially harmless. Lucy, I’m begging you, come on. Have you seen or heard anything? Even the slightest thing that would give you cause to doubt him? She goes okay, I think there was a time when I first met him I wondered. I wa-wa-wondered why he was so good to my father. She goes go ahead, tell me, sweetheart.
She pauses, a pretty long pause. She goes, I made my choice. She goes, sorry. For better or for worse. He’s my husband, right Harry? Then Harry comes in…he’s already in the room. Faithful companion. Reporter goes oh boy, gulp. I was just having a gulp…or talking to your wifey-poo. Poor little Lucy. He goes okay, well…he goes, Harold Saxon doesn’t exist, eh? You really know a lot, huh? She goes well, who are you? He goes, I’m the boss and I want you to meet my bird cage friends that appear out of a vortex as well, four of them. They do…they’re also trick-or-treaters, so they take…they say we’re…hear you…take you on…trick-or-treating, Mrs. Rook, to smell feet. The drums are getting closer and closer. That’s when they leave…Mrs. Rook goes with the bird cage balls. The old bird cage balls.
Harold and his wife…there’s a little bit of comedy, which I liked. I say, it’s almost done, but she knew; the wife says…if she knows, you promised no one would know. You said Archangel was 100%. He goes well, more like 99, 90…98%. But his wife’s like, how much time do we have? He gives her a big, goofy hug and he goes tomorrow morning. That’s all we gotta make it to, dear. We just gotta get ‘til tomorrow morning. That’s when everything is gonna be changed. Go back to the kitchen. Jack’s making tea. Master went back in time, or the boss, stole the TARDIS. But the Doctor says well, I fused the coordinates, so he can only go to this time and that time. One hundred trillion and the last place the TARDIS landed, which is right here, right now. Jack goes well, he must have had a little leeway.
Doctor goes, maybe eighteen months. So, how’s he managed all this, though, in eighteen months? He’s got a hypnotic thing, but this is massive. Martha says I was gonna vote for him. Before I even met you, I liked him. Jack says I do, too. Doctor goes, what? They go, he’s got…I don’t know what he stood for, but he sounded good. Martha starts drumming. Sounded like you could trust him. He’s nice. He spoke about stuff I connected to. Can’t really remember what it was, but I liked it. He goes…Doctor says, what’s this tapping and stuff? She goes, nothing. She goes, I don’t know. The Doctor goes well, I know; it’s weird. Then there’s another Saxon broadcast. He’s got his own network. He says he’s doing…Britain, we got extraordinary times. The world was small, but I got big news.
Out of the unknown from the skies, we’ve seen other beings visiting the Earth in the past few eighteen months; metal people, Christmas star, and your government really didn’t do anything or tell you the truth because that’s not how Harold Saxon works. I tell the truth. So, citizens of Great Britain, here’s the truth; I’ve been contacted by bird cage balls from another world and beyond the stars that talk like babies that say we bring peace and gifts, technology, wisdom, protection. We’re bird cage balls. We just want to be friends, friends with everybody. Saxon goes oh, so sweet. They are called the Toclafane. They go, the Toblerone? No, Toclafane. Toblerone? No, Toclaframe. Don’t worry; diplomatic relations with a new species is about to begin. Tomorrow we take our place in the universe, Saxon says.
Every man, woman, and child will be there, every teacher and chemist, lorry driver, farmer…I don’t know. Even a medical student, maybe, like Martha Jones. The Doctor realizes that Harold Saxon knew they’d be at her apartment, so he makes her apartment go bye-bye, even her laundry, which you say oh boy, that’s another challenge. That was a trick on the back of the TV. Doctor says everybody okay? Martha says what about my family? She calls her mom’s phone; it’s tapped from the earlier episodes. Mom and dad are together. She says mom, come on, nothing’s going on? Mom says no, come on over. Then she says your father’s here; we back together. We want to hang out with you. She gives it over to him. She says yeah, totally, Martha; come on over. She goes dad, come on. He goes, get out of town.
It’s…yeah, just run. I don’t care. Then he’s talking about voting Saxon…Martha drives fast. Something in red…James’ plan…sells Tish…Tish busted. Get out, run. Something…ditch the car. Her brother’s in Brighton on vacation, so that’s good. Saxon on the line…I’ll find you, Martha Jones. Let’s go. Doctor on the line. I’m here; get word. You find out that they choose their names. We’ll talk about that in a second. Perfect woman…perfect warrior for a Time War, so we start to get a history of Saxon. I ran so far, he says, away. Make human…I was so scared. I know…I tried everything. How did that…decide…like a god. Almost every size…all we have is each other. Too late…the drumming, can’t you hear it? Now it stops. Let me…it never stops, the Doctor says. Let me help. Here come the drums. Tell me on telly.
Off you go. So, let’s see…Martha’s parents are getting escorted with the prime minister, even. Martha shows up; they say okay, let’s bust them. They say Martha, get out of here. So, she does a reversal action, tries to drive away, successfully does. They got agents…I don’t…I guess…I don’t see Saxon there, so maybe he wasn’t there. Martha…Jack says you gotta…we gotta get out of the car because they’re gonna be tracking it. So, he’s talking sense. So, they pull over and get ready to go for a walk. Martha, come on. She calls Leo, her brother. Leo, you gotta listen. Where are you? He’s out on the Brighton Pier, walking the baby. Mom, dad, Tish, you gotta hide. Trust me. Go to Boxer; stay with him. Little nice game of hide-and-seek. I love that. I’ll find you, Martha Jones. Been a long time since we saw each other.
Must be what, a hundred trillion years? So he’s tapped on Martha’s phone. Martha yells at Saxon. Doctor hops on; I’m here. He looks up. Guy’s got brown-amber eyes, the boss man. StarTech…no, it’s not a StarTech phone. I don’t know what kind of phone it is. Doctor? Boss? Saxon? So good to talk to you. I love it when you use my name. The Doctor says you chose it. He goes yeah, and you chose yours, the Doctor. The man who helps people better. Very sanctimonious. So, a prime minister, then. He goes yeah, don’t you love it? Isn’t it rad? What are those things? They’re not Toblerone. Toclafane. Doctor goes, that’s a made-up name. That was a myth from when we were kids. He goes, you remember all that back home? Where is it, Doctor? Where’s Gallifrey? Gone. Not possible. Well, it is. It’s gone bye-bye.
What about the rest of the Time Lords, Saxon says? Doctor says gone, too. Just me and you and most of the Daleks. What’s up with you? He goes well, I was the perfect warrior for a Time War, so they woke me up, just like a thumb war. He goes, I was there with the Daleks. I saw it and then I ran away. I ran so far away. I don’t know the rest of the lyrics, but I ran. Made myself human so they would never find me. Yeah. I was a bit worried. Doctor goes yeah, I know. All of them but not you. They go yeah, well, I was the only one that could end it. I tried; I tried everything. Saxon says well, what did it really feel like when…watching everything go bye-bye? He goes, you must have felt like…the Doctor’s obviously…he goes yeah, I’ve been alone ever since then, so…he goes, we only got each other.
As long as we got each other, we got…spinning right in our hands. He goes, we could leave this planet together. He goes, just…we can…or we could fight each other, but not on Earth. Saxon says too late. He goes, why do you say that? He goes the drumming, man. That drumming, it won’t stop. Can’t you hear it? Thought it would stop, but it never does. It never stops. It’s in my head, even. The drumming, Doctor, the constant drumming. Doctor says I can help you, man. He goes, it’s everywhere. Listen to it. Tap, tap, tapping on the cellar door. Here come the drums, tap, tap, rap, rap, rapping. Then we see other people tapping like they’re gonna track the Doctor. The Doctor says what have you done? What are you doing to all these people? Making them tap, tap, tap.
Then Saxon says you know, I got access to all the closed-circuit TV channels; I can see you and your little band, too. Reported you on the news, by the way. So, you’re not loved anymore. You’re on the news. One, two, and three. Tell handsome Jack that I already…I sent his team to the Himalayas, so they won’t be helping you either. So, why don’t you look at this camera on the right where I’m watching you, wave hi-hi? Doctor shorts that one out. That’s when Saxon says start running. Go out and run and I’ll catch you. Play hide-and-seek. So, the Doctor looks; he smiles. The Doctor shorts out the camera and he says run, run, run. Run, run, run…I don’t know, if…is that where you…run, run, run ‘til your daddy takes your T-Bird away? I don’t know. Cars, it says on the window. They got nowhere to go. What should we do?
He’s saying run, Doctor. Actually for once, the Doctor looks unsure. Cross gate cabs…they’re running through a furniture center. He’s still saying run. There’s people doing the beat of the drums. Now we got a new segment welcoming extraterrestrials. Some people aren’t happy, including the United States’ president. We see a Teletubby and that’s what Saxon’s watching, Teletubbies. The Toclafane come in, or the bird cage people, or just one. He smiles. He said what’s up, bird cage? Have you seen these Teletubbies? I love this planet. Teletubbies have TVs in their tummy. Now that’s evolution. Is the machine ready? Tomorrow morning; that’s when the bird cage…8:02 precisely. He’s drinking something. Oh, they’re worried about the cold. The bird cages do not like to be cold or in the dark totally.
We have to run, run, run, too. He says just be here at 8:00 tomorrow. This world is waiting for you. So, then it portals out. It’s raining. Saxon looks out the blinds, then we see Martha on a rain-dried factory floor, carrying some groceries. She said I think I got through. They got some Wi-Fi, so they’re reading about Harriet Jones or somebody. No mention of Leo. Leo’s hiding, probably, Martha says. How did this happen? Doctor likes the potato chips that Martha got. Says those are great. Jack and her share a look ‘cause they know the Doctor’s stressed. They say, how come this…how could the Time Lords pick such a guy that’s not so nice? He says we were colleagues. Maybe you could say friends. Is he like your secret brother? He says Martha, you’ve been watching too much TV.
Jack says I thought Gallifrey was perfect and beautiful. Doctor says oh yeah, it was beautiful. A shining world of seven systems. He kicks back. A continent of wild endeavor. A dreamy look in his eyes. Mountains of solace and solitude. There stood the citadel of the Time Lords. We see snowy mountains, a domed city. Oldest and most mighty race in the universe, looking down at the galaxies below, never to interfere. We see a wise Gallifreyan, children of Gallifrey, taking…they had to join up, though, at age eight to go to the academy, like in a lot of those books. That’s where trouble began. He was a kid and that’s when the boss saw eternity. He looked into some sort of initiation. The un-tempered schism he had to look in. It’s a gap in the fabric of reality. No kid should look in there. It’s a vortex.
You stand there, eight years old; you don’t have the capacity…even a Gallifreyan doesn’t have the capacity. We’re all power of time and space? What, are you kidding me? Some might be inspired, but most…some would run away. He just stood there with a look in his eye. Some…he has a bowl cut, a bit like a bowl cut, and then he gets a look in his eye. We go back to the discussion. The Doctor says I don’t know. Martha said what about you, Doc? He goes oh, ran away. Never stopped. Then Jack gets the signal on his watch…encrypted channel. I got some files…don’t recognize it. Send it to the laptop. What’s up? Torchwood files…Doctor says you work for Torchwood? He goes, it’s a different Torchwood, man. Nothing to do with the old one. That was the old regime. Doctor glares at Jack about it.
He’s really glaring. Holy moly; arms crossed. Then we get a report; if I haven’t returned to my desk by 2200, this file will go to Torchwood. If you’re watching this, it means I’m in the big farm. Saxon files are attached, all the secrets. Take a look at the Archangel document. That’s where it started. Saxon, Archangel…get ready. Everyone’s got Archangel; that’s what makes the phones work. That’s how we get on social media, Martha says. All the other networks…the Doctor says oh, he is a hypnotist; it’s in the phones. Wait, wait, wait, hold on. This was what, 2008 they made this? Very predictive. There’s the rhythm, right in the subconscious through the phone. Mind control? No, subtler than that, eh? Strong-willed people would question it, but it’s the rhythm, layers of code. Vote Saxon; believe in me.
Whispered to the world. That’s how he hid it. Doctor’s like, I should have known, but signal must have canceled them out. Can we stop it? Not from here. But now that we know how he’s doing it, we can get him back. So, then we go into a building sequence; circuit boards, chips, phones, keys, sonic screwdriving, Doctor rubbing his hands together, looking at stuff under a magnifying…soldering, penciling, and three TARDIS keys, tools of the trade. Low-level perception. TARDIS is supposed to blend in. Now we will, sort of. Weld the key to the network, and Martha, you could see me, but if I put this on, you could just kinda see me. You’re not paying any attention to me. She doesn’t…she looks away. She can’t look directly at him. It’s like you’re there and I don’t want to know, and now I’m back again. So, it shifts your perception.
That’s what that does. Not invisible, but unnoticed. It’s like when you fancy someone and they don’t even know you exist. That’s what it’s like. Martha and Jack share a look. He says you too, huh? So, Jack has a crush on the Doctor. So, then the Doctor says don’t run. At this point we just play it cool, and don’t draw attention to yourself. We’ll be fine. Then there’s a news segment ‘cause we’re getting ready. What happens is the president of the United States comes to meet with the president…the prime minster, Saxon, and whoever the president is. I don’t know. Air Force One, is that what that says? But they’re walking across London right now. Saxon, of course, acts goofy and silly when he’s meeting with the president. Yeah, everybody’s like okay, Air Force One’s on British soil, getting ready for this contact.
I don’t know why he’d send…no offense, but what are you thinking sending the president there? What if the gravitate…you send the vice president or somebody else. Also, I…this guy, at some point he’s the president elect and not the president. Now he says units got control of this, the president. They go, the First Contact Policy Security Council 1968; you’ve ignored it, Saxon. Saxon says I don’t like paperwork. He goes, I like goofing around. I found a bus ticket. How about my wife? Have you met her yet? The president says I don’t know what you’re up to, but we can remove you from office if we need to, buddy boy. Understood? Saxon acts goofy again. Are you taking this seriously? He’s not. They go, we got the files on Toclafane. We see the Doctor, Jack, and Martha watching.
They go…the president says we got this Valiant aircraft carrier, so we’ll meet on there. That’s where we’re gonna do it. Don’t try my patience. He says oh, you’re in…you’re…so, America’s in charge? Yeah. I’ll see you on the Valiant. It’ll be on TV though, ‘cause I promised, right? He goes, the whole world’s gonna be watching. The president says well, I guess so. If it’s too late to pull out, I’m just a grouchy-grouch anyway, so we’ll make it work. Then we get some foreshadowing about the president. They say okay, we should reach the Valiant. Let’s get to the Valiant, stat. They pull out, he almost sees the Doctor and them standing there, but it works, their disguises, the key that makes you unnoticeable. I say oh boy, I had that key. That’s the key I always got. They head out.
He still pauses one more time, but he does not see them. Then we see Martha’s family. He goes, I got big plans for all of you. The Doctor’s like, don’t move, Martha. They all have a little range wrench on them, which is like…I say oh boy. Martha in the rain? I could write a song about that. So, then they say okay, he’s a Time Lord; he’s my responsibility, the Doctor says, ‘cause everybody’s mad. He goes, I’m not here…I’m here to save him. That’s what I’m supposed to do. Saxon’s clapping, goofing around. Then they’re getting ready to go board the ship via Jack’s transporter wrist thing. Gonna teleport us? Now I can. The Doctor’s…said I adjusted. Everybody hold hands. They’re off. They get on the ship. That thing’s rough. I’ve had worse nights. Welcome to the Valiant. It’s dawn. The Valiant’s a marvel.
It’s a ship in the sky, Helicarrier. 21st century, protecting the skies of Planet Earth. It’s a different shape, but it’s…same…yeah, I guess it is a different shape, maybe. It’s pretty big. They say okay, we’re over Europe. We’re getting all the…getting…waiting confirmation from everybody. They got a little office there, everybody…the Americans have blue ties on. Anything I can do? No. How about some tea? I can make grits for you Americans. A guy goes just sit down. The president says that. He’s got a nickname for him; Misery Guts. He pulls out a chair for his wife. He is charming, I mean, in a not-nice way. He goes you know, when I was Minister of Defense, I designed this whole Helicarrier, so every detail. So, I guess it’s not American; I guess it’s…I don’t know. I’m not following it.
Run around the ship…the Doctor hears something. Can’t you hear it? Martha’s like, I gotta find my family. The Doctor goes, this way. Follow me. I don’t know if he hears the drums or what he hears. But they’re running, running down…they’re in the back of the ship or the insides of the ship. Steam and stuff…oh, it’s the TARDIS on the Valiant. They open the door and the TARDIS is red. What has he done? Don’t touch anything. Sounds like the TARDIS is sick. The Doctor says it can’t be. No, no, no. No, no, no. He turned the TARDIS into something else. Is this what I think it is, Jack says? A paradox machine, the Doctor says. Then we got two minutes ‘til airtime. According to the treaty, everybody off the flight deck. Only…peaceful stuff up here only. What’s his name’s got jelly beans. So, he gives his wife a jelly bean.
Good luck to all of us, the president says. The Doctor’s trying to figure out…this thing’s gonna turn on. The paradox machine’s about to turn on to 8:02. What does a paradox machine do? Can you stop it? No. So, we mess with it now, it could go wrong. So, we gotta get back to the boss. How are we gonna stop him? I got a way. Did I not mention it? Don’t worry. The Doctor smiles. Then we’re down to thirty seconds. All the news is there. They give a segment of regular people watching this report. 3:00 AM Eastern Time. President says Americans, patriots, world, I’m an ambassador for humanity. People are like hanging out, drinking even. Undertake the utmost limity or something. Looking forward to meeting this Toblerones. We can learn to see ourselves anew.
For as long as we’ve looked to the stars, we’ve wondered what mysteries they hold. Doctor, Jack, and them sneak in. Now we know we’re not alone. Doctor says I just gotta get a key around the boss’ neck to cancel out his perception. Saxon’s kinda…Martha’s like, I can…I’ll get it done. He says okay everybody, let’s get ready. Wow, there’s a Bill…Buffalo Bill’s fan representing America. I give you the Toclafane, Toblerone, president says. Four of them come in, they dance around. Saxon is very amused. People are watching on the news. Arthur Coleman Winters, president elect of the United States and representative of the United Nations, welcome you to Earth and its associated moon. Those spheres say you’re not our boss. We like our boss better. We don’t like you. They circle around him. He’s very stiff.
He goes, I will accept mastery over you if that’s god’s will. They go oh boy, you’re…you are a joke, man. They say, where’s our boss? Then Saxon says I’m right here, everybody; don’t worry. Ta-da. He does a little dance and he goes…they just…he goes, I don’t know if it’s my smile, my aftershave, my ability to laugh at myself, but don’t worry. They go back and forth. He goes, I’m taking over. The president says no you’re not. Then they say yeah, you are. They evaporate him. The bird cages, they have an evaporative thing. Everybody’s watching the news live, so they say are…did the president just evaporate? No, president elect, actually. Then Saxon says listen up, Earthlings. Doctor gets busted…he loses his key. Goes oh, we meet at last, Doctor. He loves saying that. The Doctor says come on, stop.
Perception filter…he goes don’t worry, and goes oh, there’s your sidekicks. Jack makes a move…he shuts Jack down. Laser screwdriver…I don’t need a sonic one. He goes, this one’s more fun. The Doctor says calm down, man; look what you’re doing. You could see yourself. This is all in the news. He goes, I got personal business here. Goes, it’s the drumming, the Doctor says to him. Saxon says I’m gonna shut you up with Memory Lane. He goes remember Professor Lazarus? He goes, I was there then, too. He goes, how do you think…he goes, don’t you think it was weird that Trish worked there as well? It wasn’t a coincidence. He goes, I’m gonna concentrate that technology into the screwdriver in reverse. He goes, then I have your…I just needed your code, which I got through your extra stuff, your backup, your backup gloves.
He goes yeah, give yourself a hand. He goes oh, so I’m gonna reverse this. How about a hundred years older? He aims it at the Doctor. Doctor does a dance and he goes…what is that? I don’t know what that…I didn’t see that movie, but he becomes a much older gentleman very quickly, but not in an enjoyable way for him. So, the Doctor ends up old. A lot of makeup. Martha runs to him. She says, I got you. What’s his name? Saxon’s still making a lot of comments and jokes. Then he goes ta…here’s your family. He’s very over-the-top. So, her family comes in. Is it tie? What are they…? Martha’s family…it’s like a game show. Oh, yeah. They go, who are the Toclafane or the Toblerone? Are they bird cage-based beings? Who are they? He goes Doctor, if I told you the truth, you wouldn’t believe it anyway.
You would not believe it. Then the spheres say is the machine ready? Is it singing? The boss says it is. Then he goes okay, Earthlings…he’s very irritable now, Saxon. He goes basically, it’s not good news for Earth. Here come the drums. Then there’s a really weird sequence of drums playing some song. Maybe Voodoo Child? He’s rocking out, Saxon. Then there’s a split in the sky, like a rip in the time-space continuum, I guess you’d say. Then all these bird cage balls, the Toblerone…Toclafone ones come in. His wife and him are dancing. So, it’s kinda like a…it’s very campy, like the original…the Tim Burton Batman, almost, or the second one. Maybe the first one. Six billion bird cage balls coming in. They’re coming to Earth to visit, and they bring with them stuff that’s…nothing good.
It seems like they’re each assigned one person or something. I can’t remember. ‘Cause people are like, is that bird cage balls coming…shoot…and they’re shooting lasers. People say I hate laser beams. Never did…done asking. They use the word decimate in a way…it’s romance. Then they do a little bit of…what was that dude in Infinity? Martha has a tear in her eye. She walks away from the Doctor. She’s gonna make a move on the…oh no, she has to go somewhere to do some…the Doctor told her a secret. So, Martha has to make a move. Everybody’s stunned. She slowly backs away and she has to leave. She closes her eyes. She zoinks out. What’s that guy’s name from the infinity…? The guy from those two movies. Same kinda concept that he was up to, played by Josh Brolin, but…then we see Martha in a grassy field.
She actually does a barrel roll and she looks around. She sees a lot of chaos. At least she doesn’t get caught up in it, maybe ‘cause she…oh yeah, she still has her necklace on, so no one…she goes, I’ll be back. She’s driven now. So it came to pass, Saxon says. That was it for Earth. Once…and his wife’s on one side of the Doctor and he’s on the other side. My new dominion as boss. No more comic books or anything. I thought it good. The Doctor’s grimacing and breathing heavy, very heavy, grinding his teeth, almost. That’s another cliffhanger, believe it or not. So, a triple cliffhanger, but we’ll be back with more soon, so yeah, goodnight.
[END OF RECORDING]
(Transcribed by Leah Hervoly)
- I put the sawing logs in analog
- Birdcage Balls
- The Untempered Schism
- Kirkland Signature
- “I Ran” – A Flock of Seagulls
- Josh Brolin
Notable Talking Points:
- Please don’t show up to a particle collider unannounced
- Drum tapping as hypnosis
- Welcome to Earth and its associated moon