1009 – Quiet Connie | Tales of Lady Witchbeard Ep 8
No balconies will contain subtext as tonight's tale ends with our squad sleeping with sheep.
Episode 1009 – Quiet Connie | Tales of Lady Witchbeard Ep 8
[START OF RECORDING]
SCOOTER: Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, whether you’re a fan of birds or whether you’re a birder or you’re not, either way, patrons, I couldn’t do it without you. What do you say we get on with the show?
INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts, things on your mind about the past, the present, the future, or that are just thoughts that are coming…for me, it’s like all these thoughts that come up on their…or that seemingly they do come up on their own and they want to tell me a bunch of stuff about me or the past or the present or the future.
It could be…so, it could be thoughts, it could be feelings, anything coming up for you emotionally related to those thoughts or just…that’s just there, it could be physical sensations, it could be changes in time or temperature or routine, it could be something situational or something coming up or something that just happened, or maybe it was something else, and if it is…if I don’t know what it is, you could let me know. You could just share with me. A lot of listeners, they just share their story a little bit with me and they say thanks, or this is how I heard about the show or whatever. But whatever it is that’s keeping you awake, I’m gonna try to help in my own way. This show is very different than other shows.
It kind of was one of the first sleep podcasts, I think, or the…but it’s still a little bit different than most other stuff out there, ‘cause I do it a little bit differently. So, what I propose to do…the main thing is I’m trying to create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake. Also, I repeat myself a lot, so…yeah, I already did. But what I’ll do is I’ll send my voice across the deep, dark night. That’s the first step of this safe place. I’ll use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents. That means I’m gonna go off-topic, I’m gonna get mixed up, I’m gonna use kinda this unique voice that I have to keep you company while you fall asleep.
So, what that means is that…yeah, so my voice is a little bit different, I get mixed up, I get distracted, I even got distracted while I was talking to you. I apologize, but I kinda do it for your benefit, so it’s something you don’t need to listen to and you could fall asleep whenever I’m talking, but I’ll give you some more info. The most important piece of information I can give you is that you deserve a good night’s sleep. Like, that’s kinda the most important thing I can say. I know it’s…can be exhausting and it can feel like…I know how it feels. I guess those are the two things; I know how it feels, I’ve been there tossing, turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep.
Tossing, turning; I’ve been through all that, and I’ve also…I don’t know, I just really want you…whether this podcast works for you or it doesn’t, you could go to sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou. I hope you find something or I hope you just understand and believe me, ‘cause other people don’t seem to believe it sometimes. I gets frustrating. I guess I’m kinda getting caught up…that you deserve a good night’s sleep and that for some of us or a lot of us, those of you that are listening right now, it’s not easy. People say oh, just try…why don’t you do it…you’re doing it wrong. I don’t believe that. One, I believe it’s not easy, but two, more importantly, you do deserve a place you could fall asleep, and something that works for you.
Maybe it’s not this podcast; maybe it’s something else, but I hope it can be, because…I don’t know. It’s really important for me that you know and understand that you deserve that and that it would be really nice, right, if you could get the rest you need and that you don’t have to dread bedtime. That’s what this show’s about, is being a kinda goofy end-of-the-day thing. Maybe it puts you to sleep, maybe it keeps you company, but it’s something you maybe…you don’t look forward to like a new season of the show you like. Oh, Ted Lasso just…so you say, I can’t wait to watch Ted Lasso. Or like, this podcast is not Ted Lasso. It’s more like just the so. So you say, you take out the Ted, you take out the Lass. Not all the Lass, though; just the first Lass. So, this podcast is more like so.
You say well, that’s not bad compared to normal bedtime for me; is more of a rigmarole. So, just having a so? Not bad at…I’ll take that. You say so, at least I could listen to Scoots. He’ll keep me company. So, that’s the first thing. You deserve a good night’s sleep. I believe if you get that rest and you have a place of respite, our world will be a better place. So, that’s that. The second thing that throws people off is this is a podcast you don’t really listen to. So, it’s a podcast you kinda barely pay attention to. It keeps you company while you fall asleep, but you don’t really listen to me, kinda like that so.
You say, like, you really can’t do this…there are people that say so, like that way, but this is like so, Scoots…you could just listen to me…yeah, let’s take the…unfortunately for this podcast, yeah, I have to take the Ted and the Lass out of…’cause I mean, this isn’t Ted…this is…you know Ted Lasso. I’ve imagined Ted…I’ve seen Ted Lasso, Scoots, and you’re no…I say, you’re right. I’m not…I don’t have that personality. I’m more glass is…I don’t even say the glass is half-empty. I say the glass is almost dropped and broken, so you better be careful. In my mind; it says it’s me. They say oh, boy. So, huh, I never thought about it that way. That’s the binary…say well, it’s you’re either a half-empty or half-full. I say, no. I’m pretty much almost broken, or sooner or later…oh, don’t make that your favorite…don’t count on that glass.
That’s your favorite glass? That’s a mistake. That’s the nana that lives in my mind. That’s what enables me to make this podcast. You say oh, did you just say you love that glass? Let me distract…and it’s one of those self…what do they…how come they don’t call them self-propelled…what do they call them? Self-training thinking or self-created futures? I don’t know. The person I work with, they have a word for it that’s actually correct. Self-something beliefs. Not self-limiting. But they say where…oh, where you make it come true. Mine is more of a self-propelling. My nana will say…I never…really, we’re discovering…I’m not kidding or being facetious. Sometimes people think I’m joking; this is really the first time I’ve ever thought about it this way, both…yeah, say, I don’t see the glass as half-empty.
I see it soon to be broken in the…at the worst possible time. They say Scoots, that’s as cup. It’s made by…that was a company that was once Defense Dynamics. Now they make insulated double-steel walled mugs. I said, doesn’t matter. I love this mug. Then nana, she self-propels it. She’s…’cause that is a thing I’ve learned through mindfulness, is you say okay, if I could be mindful that I’m in…supposed to be doing a sleep podcast intro and then I’m going off-topic, but then the glass propels itself against…and I’d say wow, indestructible double-steeled thing, huh? Nana…well, we showed them. So, anyway, so if you’re here…oh, it’s a podcast you don’t really listen to. That’s what I was saying. So you could just say uh-huh, Scoots. Oh, so, really? Really? So…huh. Oh, is that so? I guess you could do it that way.
Hm, is that so? Hm, hm. Now, someone sharing your space might say, what was that? What kinda um were you making? No, this is just a so um. Like, a so um? No, more like uh-huh Scoots, uh-huh. So…oh, so…yeah. No, no, not that kinda ooh, so. No; more like so? Uh-huh. So? So, yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah, kinda like without the…Ted without the La. Yeah. They say, I’m sorry, I don’t…oh, it’s the podcast you fall asleep to. So, it’s a podcast you don’t really listen to. Also, it does not put you to sleep. I’m here to keep you company with my humor-like banter which grates on some people. It’s not for everybody ‘cause it’s not really putting…I don’t know if it’s for anybody ‘cause some people think this is actually supposed to be very funny or entertaining. I say no, no. I mean, it’s like, it’s mildly…you know, mildly barely something.
So, I’m…yeah, so whatever. I’m here to keep you company, not really to put you to sleep. ‘Cause I don’t know about you, but when the nana in my brain gets started or somebody…I say to somebody ooh, I couldn’t sleep last night. They say well, tell me about what you did. They said well, there’s your problem right there. [00:10:00] I said, which…? Well, you’re doing it wrong. You’re falling…you can’t use the pillows like that. I’d say, what do you mean? You can’t grip a pillow like you’re…tightly in the crook of your arm like it’s your arch enemy and not fall asleep? They say yep, that’s your problem right there. Your pillow doesn’t belong in the crook of your arm; it belongs underneath your head. You say, wait a second, my pillow doesn’t belong pressed up again…over my head? No. That’s not how you do it. You’re doing it…oh.
So, when that happens for me, sometimes I feel a little deflated. I don’t know what my…once again, that was a pointless meander ‘cause I thought I was making a point. Oh, I’m here to keep you company just in case, if you can’t fall asleep or if you feel like that. I say, I’m here to take your mind off of stuff, keep you company, maybe normalize some of this because never before…other than my dad later in life telling me about his voice…how the remnants of other people’s voices in his head…when I told him about my internal nana, I said I never had a nana but I have one fully ingrained in my belief system. How’s that possible? Some would call it a miracle but they wouldn’t be…those would be the people living in the interior regions of the earth, like whatever they call a miracle.
They’d say that’s our handiwork, Scoots, the old internal nana. It’s a stealth agent of ours. So, anyway, some people are actually here for a sleep podcast. So, yeah, a podcast you don’t really listen to, a podcast that puts you to sleep. The structure of the show is also something that’s a little bit different, so let me go over that really quick for you. So, the structure of the show. Show starts off with a greeting; ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, friends beyond the binary. Hopefully that makes you feel seen and understood and welcomed in. Then there’s support for listeners and then support for the show, ‘cause the goal of the show or the current goal of the show, when I’m recording this, is to come out twice a week for free.
A lot of work goes into the show and all that stuff, but the sponsors and the people that support the show and pay for the show on Patreon, that’s what enables that, makes it possible. Then after that is the intro which really can throw new people off or people that are probably…maybe the show…it just takes some getting used to ‘cause the intro goes from like, minute six to minute twenty or so where I just ramble on and on and try to introduce the podcast. People don’t believe me, that it gets people really, really…they have really strong feelings about it. I mean, I totally understand it ‘cause people maybe are expecting someone more calm, maybe more mellow, or the show to start, but this podcast, it’s never…it’s…never going, always going no…never-where.
Whatever I misspoke there is probably the most accurate; always going never-where. Sleep With Me podcast. Can someone remind me to put that on a shirt or something? Always going never-where. Never going all-wheres or something else. Put it on a pillow. Wouldn’t fit. Sleep With Me podcast. So, and now I…oh, so, that’s the intro, but the intro serves a purpose; to be a part of a lot of listeners’ wind-down routine, to ease you into bedtime, to take your mind off of stuff, but not to put you to sleep right away. I don’t know. Now, for some listeners, a small percentage of listeners, they’re falling asleep. Look at how good they look sleeping there. I say, great job. But…and then other listeners, about the same percentage, skip the intro or listen to story-only episodes on Patreon.
But for a lot of us, it just takes some easing into bedtime, some time of disengagement, putting it in neutral and listening to Scoots and saying wow, I thought I…at least I don’t have a…I have something similar than nana, but it doesn’t sound like…who would have thought pessimists…you say, you…you know what you need? You’re the number one pessimist I know. Listen to Sleep With Me podcast. You want to feel optimistic? I’m taking pessimists and I’m putting them and making them op…you say well, I’m not quite an optimist but at least I’m not Scoots. But I know there’s other people like me. That’s why I’m laughing. I say wow, I hope I’m normalizing that for you. Say yeah, I’ve never thought about it that way, but I am a glass-almost-broken person. It is freeing ‘cause it’s acceptance.
You say okay, well, now I can…now I know how to better care for you, ‘cause I always said yeah, that doesn’t really…that metaphor doesn’t really do it for me. You may be listening to the show saying that, so that’s the intro. It just goes on and on and on to give you a chance to wind-down, get some distance from the day. Then there’s some sponsors and stuff. That’s just where one of the places sponsors like to be, at the tail end of the opening of the show. Then there will be a bedtime story. Tonight it’ll be Tales of Lady Witchbeard, our ongoing episodically modular series about Lady Witchbeard, a witch and a pirate and a heroine, or…like a awesome witch-pirate. You can listen to those in any order, so that’s the bedtime story part, and then there’s some thank-yous at the end of the show. So, I think that’s everything.
I hope if you’re new, you give the show a few tries. That’s what most listeners say. That happens more and more. More and more. Just even in the last couple days, someone said you know what? I really, strongly disliked that podcast when I first listened to it. Now I listen every night. So, that’s not to say that that’s you, but give it a few tries ‘cause the podcast doesn’t cost anything because it’s already supported by the people that have been listening for a long time, and see how it goes. Then if it doesn’t work, you say, check out sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou. There’s sleep podcasts on there, there’s other stuff on there.
But in the end, I hope what I said towards the beginning…before…after the first time I went off-topic, but before I went really off-topic; you do deserve a good night’s sleep and I know that’s not easy, and I know that some people can make that feel like…diminish it. Then maybe they don’t understand, but there is a community not just around this podcast but around the other sleep podcasts and out there that does understand that that’s not easy, and at the same time, you probably want it and deserve it. That’s really kinda one of the fundamental things about this podcast, is that I’m here. Whether you’re awake or asleep, I’m here to keep you company because at least I can do that. I might not be able to put you to sleep even if you like this podcast, but I can tell you this is how I can help. Yeah, it’s not gonna help everybody but maybe thinking about that nana stuff or, you know, that other stuff, you say hey, I know how that feels too, Scoots.
Sometimes that’s all we need or that’s all I need to say you know what? I feel that way, too. You say wow, I’m not alone. You’re not alone. This is a weird digital version of that, but if that emotional note resonates with you, that’s important. You say huh, yeah. I’m the old indestructible glass-half-broken person, too. You could laugh with me, okay? Or barely laugh. So, that’s it. I’m really glad you’re here, I’m really glad I’ve reached this new realization, and I don’t know what I’m gonna do with it ‘cause I’m sitting here recording in a car in…the rain has just ended, so I don’t know. I really am glad you’re here. I work really hard on this show and I really enjoy the hard work on this show, so I’m glad you’re here. I appreciate your time, and I really hope this podcast can keep you company or help you fall asleep. So, thanks again, and here’s the ways I’m able to do this for you for free twice a week. Thanks.
Alright everybody, it’s time for another of our episodically modular…another episodically modular episode of our series Tales of Lady Witchbeard. Here’s the part where I fill you in on everything, ‘cause you say well, but this is Episode 7 or 8, Scoots. I think it’s Episode 8. I don’t know, though. That’s…I make the show, so that’s how, really…you could listen to them in any order. So many producers of content over the last eight billion years or whatever have normalized this; you say well, just…it’s…you could…it’s out of order. That makes it…so, you could listen to these in any order. You don’t have to…you could. I know there’s completists. There’s nothing wrong with being a completist. I just want to soothe that completist part of you right now that might say no, no, don’t worry about it; you already hit Play.
I’m gonna fill you in on everything you need to know, really, so that you can drift off and fall asleep. So, what do you need to know? Tales of Lady Witchbeard. It’s tales, part of a…there is a overarching story. Lady Witchbeard; she’s a witch, she’s a pirate, she’s a heroine or a hero or pretty awesome. She’s extremely qualified to be both a witch and a pirate and a leader, mostly, or…she’s in charge. I don’t even think she needs to use the word…she says, I don’t…she doesn’t have to say she’s a boss or whatever [00:20:00] because you know it. Even subconsciously you say yes, Lady Witchbeard? See how easily that came out of my mouth? So, you might say, so she’s a witch and a pirate? I say, yeah. She lives in a witch world, was raised as a witch in a witch…oh no, she’s in a pirate world.
She was raised in a witch world as a witch in a larger…bigger witch…you say, not a witch in our world or a witch out of…she was…she had her place in a witch world where all witches had…were living the witch life, which to them was just life, because I’m a outside observer. I keep adding this witch stuff but they say, this is just our world. Why do you have to say…? I say well, just because I come from another world. They’d say oh, the dull world or…? I say, huh, compared to this world, actually, yes, it is. So, I’d be fine with you saying that. ‘Cause I say, magic’s unfortunately more metaphorical in my world, or elusive. So, but she decides as she’s growing up, she says I don’t know if being a witch is it for me. I’d like to see some other horizons.
Somehow she finds herself in a sea-based world, the world of the thirteen seas, a piratey realm. She becomes a pirate, she becomes a great pirate. Somewhere along the line, she crosses paths with me. Things go awry, we go on an adventure, she needs some time to recover from rescuing me, stuff like that. Then more recently, within the last eight episodes, I get her…I say Lady Witchbeard, I got this mission about Brandy. She was in love with a man who loved the sea. Kind of; this isn’t exactly how it happened. Said okay, let’s see if we could figure that out ‘cause I heard a legend like that once in the pirate realm. Also, she had not re-established her credentials or her…the thing — I always forget what it’s called — in her pirate realm, so she was supposed to become an apprentice pirate again with another fairly qualified pirate.
I mean, a journey or whatever, a pirate expert or whatever; Don Dankle. Then we kinda all met up, some other stuff happened, may or may not have been my fault; we turned into birds, we’ve turned into toads or newts. But something is going on in the world of the thirteen seas. People are collecting roots and binding agents, and we don’t know why. You say, okay, where’s the action? I’d say well, this is a sleep podcast. That is…the most action-packed part; we went to Library Island and I did not sing the song, oh, to live on Library Island, where the bookmarks and the books are aplenty. You could read a lot on Library Island, but the thing is, the books always feel so cold. Sorry, I don’t normally sing on there. That was more singsong, but just happened. So, ooh, where were we?
Oh, so, Don Dankle, Lady Witchbeard, and I, or Daw in the story, as I’m known, is…we were looking around saying what’s up with this root? We can’t get ahold of the Pirate’s Guild. All the offices are closed. Alls we knew is they were looking for this sava root or its equivalents, and they’re gathering that en masse. Then some sort of small amounts of something else in the mud, and then also Newty-Poo, putting poo of a certain type of newt, so newt excrement, you could say. If you don’t want to giggle, you could just say…you’re talking about newt excrement? I’d say, I guess we are now, but I don’t know what else to say other than Newty-Poo. It’s much more giggalicious. So, then after…we tried to prevent them.
We tried to work with the newts to flush all the poo out to sea ‘cause…here’s something I didn’t know; only…not in our world ‘cause this isn’t our world. So, scientists or biologists, hold your letters. They say well, it’s not…it’s very improbable in fictional accounting, too, Scoots. These newt have…these newts on this island, they have communal bathroom areas, and so…but that made it easier for them to harvest the newt poo, but while they started harvesting it, we found out…I’m pretty sure Brandy was meeting with a witch, a witch of legend, so this was pretty mind-blowing ‘cause Lady Witchbeard I think was so stunned…my memory’s not totally fresh; never was, but that this is like a myth…a witch…just be like…say you came across Zeus or Anansi or Loki…I guess would be diff…well, that…you could see it at a theme park.
This is more…you’d say you were going to collect newt poo and then you saw Athena. You’d say, I’m pretty sure that person’s dressed like Athena. You say well, is that Wonder Woman? I’d say, I don’t know. She wasn’t Athena; she was something…or some other goddess. They say, I could go to a store named after Hermes. I’d say, that spelling may be different. There’s a lot of different…anyway, so, I think that’s it. We saw this witch and we’re trying to come up with a plan. I think we pretty much gotta get into that. The witch’s…when you’re in the witch-based realm, you travel through cauldrons. So, just so you know. Real cauldrons, though. Not the Halloween ones you put outside. So, that’s interesting. I never knew that.
I mean, I did, because…from Lady Witchbeard’s other stories, but kinda like portal cauldrons or cauldrons you cast a portal spell over. So, right now we’re looking into this portal. I guess we’re trying to collect some basic information. One, is who’s this witch? What does Brandy have to do with this? I guess I’d ask why…Lady Witchbeard, why…is any of this really important? But yeah, why are they collecting all these raw materials? ‘Cause they’re nothing…they’re like…I guess for a sleep podcast this is great, but you say okay, so you’re collecting a massive amount of ground roots, roots of certain particular plants, and then the newt…I’m trying to think of a way to say it that’s not somewhat amusing to me. Newt stuff, newt droppings. They don’t drop them, though. That’s the thing.
That was…we had a laugh not on mic when I was talking to the newt ‘cause I said, could I call it newt droppings? The newt said…the newt gave…we just found it funny ‘cause I said, does that look like I’m…does it ever look like I’m dropping…? I said, I guess it’s more of a…I don’t think it’s a colloquialism, but I said I’m pretty sure a couple people in my neighborhood, when they walk their dogs, they…there’s dog droppings. ‘Cause you say, how’d that get there on the sidewalk, other than a sign of…? You say okay, wrap it up. I better get my way to a witch-based realm or a pirate-based realm.
So anyway, without further ado, with…caught you up, is our Hollywood announcer coming all the way from Los Angeles to where I am right now, quiet as if you dropped a cloud from heaven onto my ears…I could still probably hear it if it was Antonio Banderas, but it would make me feel warm; Mr. Antonio Banderas. Ah, thank you, Scooter. Friends beyond the binary, the ladies, the gentlemen, the boys, the girls, it’s time to take a splish and a splash to clean our hands of the Newty-Poo. It’s time for another tale of Lady Witchbeard. Splish, splash. Yeah. Thanks, Antonio. How you doing? I’m good. Scooter, you…that was a long one, so…that was Antonio Banderas, and this is Tales of Lady Witchbeard. Thanks everybody, and goodnight.
Okay, okay, hey Lady Witchbeard, hey Don Dankle. It’s me; I’m back. So, I guess it probably already answers the first thing. I made it back. There was…so, Lady Witchbeard, you were right; there was…so, curious is I think the first thing. Should I…oh, sorry, you’re both looking at me. So, do…wait, do I have everything? Because…am I still an intact fully-Daw Daw? I’m trying to get better at [00:30:00] creating this, whatever, communicating. Clearly, right. I can tell by the look that’s…so, communicating clearly with the two of you. I’ve returned from the mission you gave me which was part of our mission or part of our ongoing attempt or whatever, our goal of trying to get into the cauldron, this portal cauldron, and see where it leads, where this super-powered conquering witch from another realm but from your…from…tried to see where this portal leads.
But you said well, but the witch probably has it…has some fail-safes so that…and Lady Witchbeard, you said they would probably be for the curious. So, there was guards that we snuck by and distracted. But you said there will be curious, the not-so-smart, which you kinda both looked at me with both of those, and then brave, or…in any of those orders if you were making your own. So, you were right about the curious one because yeah, at first I dropped the rock in and came back with a note that said no rocks; next time, I mean it. Then like you said, don’t put my real hand in; put a stick in. Then I got in there with the rope. I mean, you were both watching me, right?
But it was more of a…’cause you did say well, it can’t be something…it’s gotta be a deterrent because they…Brandy or the witch have to kinda go through this thing. So, then what happened was not that far into the cauldron…it was interesting; TARDIS…a cauldron’s like a TARDIS, I guess, or whatever. Oh, you don’t know what that…? Anyway, so, the cauldron was bigger on the inside or a portal to another realm, but not that far down. I was picturing in the mist…well, anyway, so I went down some stairs and then not that far down was a level, and then there was a mirror there. Like you prepared me, said…remember; this may be trickery, Daw. There was a mirror and the mirror made you look like you were turning into a prune. You know when you take a bath for too long or swim for too long? Yeah.
So, it kinda looked like that, like I was turning into a prune, but worse and worse. That’s what the sign said; it’ll only get worse if you go…keep going. But then I figured…because that was where there was a door. Then I said, I better not stay here. Then I looked behind the mirror, and of course there was a door hidden behind the mirror. So, I think that was just to get the curious people outta there. Then in the next room, I’m guessing this was for even more curious people. There was a box of magical toys and it said please take one, but I did not take one. I did poke some of them with a stick and something happened to the stick, so yeah, I’m sure that that could have been time-consuming, that part. So, I said, is that for the curious or the not-so-smart, the box of toys?
So, that…then I just walked by the toys and then there was another set of stairs. But I’ll be honest that I don’t think there’s…I’m not the most brave person, right? So, I’m thinking that I’m probably not the right person for this brave part. I think Don Dankle, maybe you…I don’t know, I was thinking you could go, but then I said if we had a walkie-talkie to communicate, that would be cool. But I think it was good that you asked me all those questions about how would I go about getting in the cauldron, ‘cause you said probably I wouldn’t have got much further. I think it would have been fun though if you held me by my ankles. But anyway, so I was thinking if we get a tin can phone…you know what that is? You do know what that is.
So, then I can talk to the two of you while you’re going on this next level…’cause it kinda seemed a little…I wasn’t feeling…I don’t know. There were some sounds and some things that…and I don’t know, I just had this feeling of F to the E to the A to the R. Being curious or not always making the best choices, those come easy to me, but the getting past…if someone was super brave, I think of Don Dankle after I think of Lady Witchbeard. So, oh, there was another test though that I didn’t…I skipped again ‘cause I said what would…it was a video game but then I saw that was in…it reminded me of the end of The Good Place, so I said well, I’ll just go around the back and unplug it.
So, I didn’t play the…I mean, I did play around with it after I unplugged it ‘cause then I said it’s…be safe, and I said…I pretended I was playing the game. But I assume if you unplug it…it was plugged into some sort of magical plug. How many prongs do you think a magical plug has? How many prongs in a prong, prong, prong would a prong…a magical prong…that’s not…okay. So, oh, so, thanks for working on that while I was telling you. So, we do have the tin can phone. So, I guess I…oh, okay, so I have it with me. So, I’m gonna get back in the…I’m getting back in the cauldron. We gotta pull it tight, though. Don’t forget to pull it tight. Can you hear me? Okay. I’m sure you both can hear me. Don Dankle, I can kinda hear you. Isn’t that cool that we can hear each other even though we’re holding it by…? Oh, you could still hear me?
Oh, ‘cause I guess a cauldron lets noise out but doesn’t let noise in. Also, when you two come in, make sure to double-check. I’m glad you both trust me to make my way here. So, okay, so it looks like…oh no, this is another test. So, I’m going in another room. There’s a hallway ahead and then…okay, so I’m going down this first hall. This is where I heard the noises. They’re still in the distance, now, though. So, it says that I need to choose…I…get to choose your next door based on your…so, it says those of the highest intelligence use this door, and those…there’s just one just average and then there’s one, the highest wit. So, this one seems easy. It’s like, I mean, it’s kind of a little bit of…obvious that I should go through the just…I always thought they should have this with parking lines.
If you’re a great parker, have people go through that line. I would not go through that line because I think a lot of people would say oh yeah, I’m the best. So, this one seems like I should just through just like the bed in that story; just right. Just average is just right to me. Okay, and yeah, so now it’s a little bit darker in this hall, and Don…so Don Dankle and Lady Witchbeard, if you were more courageous…though I guess this would be…I should probably ask what you would do and then do the opposite, so what would you do? Walk down the hall cautiously? Okay. So, what would the opposite of that be? Someone that’s even more confident would walk down, blissfully unaware.
I guess I’ll crawl down this hallway, because I was looking at it like I should be brave, but maybe I shouldn’t because if this hallway’s to deter…oh, so there’s a endless amount of doors with things…but I guess ‘cause I’m crawling, I’m noticing that…I’m trying to feel…I think there’s a broom closet up here, but I feel air coming through it only because I’m on the floor. All the other doors, the air kinda feels stagnant. So, oh yeah, I opened the broom closet door, and it looks like…these tests are not as hard as…I mean, I guess this…sooner or later…so, you better come in because now I’m seeing something that reminds me of the transverse plane, here. It’s like a mist that turns into a cobblestone path. I can smell real smells. Oh, hey Lady Witchbeard, hey Don Dankle. Good job, germ. You passed. You got us past the test.
Thanks, Lady Witchbeard. So, yeah, so, should we follow this cobblestone road? Don Dankle, what do you think? Should we follow the [00:40:00] cobblestone road? Daw, are you trying to get me to say follow the cobblestone road? Yeah, I was, but I thought it would sound more…I don’t know. It’s from a…never mind. It’s a…it’s a pop culture reference neither one of you would get, and even if someone that might get it…they’d say…’cause there was a yell…once a time…upon a time, there was a yellow brick…oh, so we’re gonna start walking. So, we’ll just walk down this cobblestone road. Oh, wait, we’re at a path. I can see a town down there to the right. It looks like to the left goes up and around town.
Looks like a pretty…Lady Witchbeard, you have a look on your face, so you should probably explain to me and Don Dankle what’s…what you’re seeing, because otherwise…yeah, germ, Don Dankle, this is the town I grew up in, and there’s definitely some…let’s go around town. This path, this cobblestone road; we’ll follow this one to the left. It’s gonna go around town to the industrial area, but you could tell by the tone of my voice and I’m sharing the look on my face that something’s not right. So, this is where I grew up. I feel like this is the same…if I’m looking at some of the trees and the construction of the buildings, it’s been…the time in this world I’ve been gone…it seems like it’s still in the same time period. But something is very different, so we’re gonna go around town.
It’s also very quiet, as you can all tell, but that’s not uncommon, as even though to the two of you, it might seem a little bit dark and misty, it is the middle of the work day, so everyone could be at work. Okay, but Lady Witchbeard…but yeah, something’s not right. Lady Witchbeard, so we’re gonna take this…is this one of those roads that goes around town to the industrial area, you said? Yeah, to where my family and I worked and most of the people in the town would work. This was a family…we all worked in…you know, we’ve gone through this a little bit, Daw, but Don Dankle, you might not know.
My family and I, my larger family unit, we were in the sustainable horn business which means sustainable horns that mother nature has…fall off or that replaced themselves and we can take off in a kind and dignified way, take little shavings off the horn, do horn maintenance for the animals. Oh, for animals, Don Dankle, sorry. Not…though horns could be made into musical horns. So, you may be able to smell and soon we’ll be able to see the fields and the hills. That’s good that we can smell all the animals that we use, all horned animals, to answer you and Daw’s question, Don Dankle, that probably exist in most realms. Antlers are kind of like horns.
I know Daw will say horny toads and then giggle, and if a…if it was a horned toad with a horn, which is mostly made up of the same things as your fingernails, Don Dankle and Daw, but not exactly the same thing, and in magic and different alchema, they would have certain…be imbued with certain properties. Not just for magic; for other things, but we…in our world, we practice everything sustainably. So, everything here was part of that process. You know, a happy animal, a happy…I guess that would be…make Daw giggle, too; a happy horn…you know. I’m just trying to…figuring a way that I can say it without Daw getting a kick out of it. But we’d keep our horned animals happy. But so, also, you were asking…yes, we’re gonna avoid the town. How do I know something’s wrong?
Also Daw, you have your hand up. What was your…? Lady Witchbeard, I love how all the balconies…does everything…how come you never told me every building has balconies where you grew up? Do you know I love balconies? I love sitting on a balcony, standing on a balcony, being on a balcony. That’s a good question, Daw. Yes, and that’s how I know something’s wrong, is because…because all the windows on the balconies are closed? Not exactly, Daw. We have a tradition here in our area, and it’s part of a greater tradition that’s practiced in different ways, but the simplest way to say it is that we had what we would call…what I would call in a way that’s hard to…that maybe you won’t…we called it balcony subtext, I guess, or that’s not what we called it, but that’s what…how it would be described.
I’m sorry, Lady Witchbeard. I know, Daw. I’ll try to under…help you understand. Don Dankle, you’re kind of nodding because in piracy, we do have different ways of keeping teamwork and keeping a ship functioning emotionally through communication and expression and balancing negative attitudes and making sure…maybe something similar in Daw’s world will be the rain practice, or there’s the idea of small ways of self-expression and healthy ways of self-expression. That’s the way we did it here, was balcony subtext, and people…it wasn’t passive aggressive though, so it wasn’t really subtextual.
I don’t quite know, but you could…you would put things on your…I guess art, in some sense, and if you were displeased with something political, and it became…it was fun because it was always some sort of symbolism that you would have…that either people couldn’t figure out; only you would know, or you would try to figure it out, but it was always a positive…not necessarily a pos…you could be frustrated, and sometimes it would be…if you were just feeling frowny, maybe you put a frowny face, I guess, would be how Daw would…you know, something like that, but you could be expressing something; a frustration about one of the votes or about a change in priority, and that would all be accomplished on your…every balcony, and I don’t see any balcony subtext. There’s a lot of uniformity on all these balconies.
That tells me that there’s a…that there’s a…everybody had to have their balconies cleaned for some reason, Lady Witchbeard. Yeah, Daw. Don Dankle, do you have a perspective? Lady Witchbeard, I could see if this conqueror of witch worlds, as you described her, has taken hold here. Usually with some sort of authoritarian-type figure that doesn’t have…you know, we…that doesn’t have…isn’t part of a guild with…where there’s a give and take. We pirates, people always just assume…and there are pirates that are outside of the guild. Anyway, they may want…not want any dissenting forms of expression, particularly I would say, Lady Witchbeard, these type of…I’m very interested in this because I wonder…there really isn’t the privacy space to…but maybe we could do something with chalk.
I don’t know, Lady Witchbeard, ‘cause remember, that sidewalk chalk Daw was talking about, it was one of those times we had too much downtime. But is a good way where you’re empowered to express your opinion, and your opinion is heard in some sense, or seen here, and even validated. Or you could…I guess if it was some very…I think it’s an interesting conversation starter, and I’m sure that it would feel a little threatening, having people in power to express their opinions in a way that may seem…especially if someone was…that’s not passive aggressive but that seems that way, but that has a little bit of flavor of that rebellion to it, Lady Witchbeard. That’s what I like about it, back when Daw was talking about the newspapers in Daw’s world and the…so, yeah, I think it’s interesting.
But it does tell me [00:50:00] that there’s a presence of something that’s saying oh no, no, no. Is that what you’re getting at, Lady Witchbeard, or is that what you’re sensing? Exactly, Don Dankle. For my people, my family, and my extended family, to give up…they’re very…like I said, like you’re saying with piracy, keeping a balance of strong opinions is important and even…it doesn’t mean…like I said, I had to move away from the witch world because it…even though you could express yourself, it still was limiting to me. That’s why I became a pirate and…once I was exposed to the pirate realm. But for most people, just being able to express themselves and discuss it created a healthy dialogue that sounds like has been shut down, because it wouldn’t be just something people would forget about.
It has to be a total change in the way everyone here is operating. So, yeah, I’m…yeah. I guess I don’t know what I’m saying, Don Dankle, but it’s…something’s happening. Oh, Lady Witchbeard, is that your horn factory? Is that a horny…? Okay Daw, that’s enough. Yeah, that’s the…one of…that’s our set of work buildings, and then you could start to see the free roaming…there’s some places where some of our…what you would call livestock; we don’t call them that, but there’s some that are free-roaming, and then you can see the stone walls or some of the creeks and the hills that separate…Lady Witchbeard, are those horned sheep? I guess you could call them that, Daw. They’re kinda like antlers. I’ve never seen a sheep with antlers before. It’s kinda cute and not cute at the same time.
Lady Witchbeard, how are…why is it the way it is? Just…Daw, it just depends on what kind of grasses or flowers they may eat, how much water they need, and their temperaments. Your horned sheep, they tend to…they butt…it’s interesting; they butt people while they’re asleep, so we don’t want them accidentally butting another kind of animal that would start any trouble. Lady Witchbeard, it’s Don Dankle; I’m thinking that we’re…do you have a sense of something else, Lady Witchbeard? Yeah, Don Dankle. They’re all waiting for us, I’m sure. But yeah, we’re definitely being observed and…Lady Witchbeard, who’s waiting for us? Well, all my old co-workers, Daw. You mean your family, right? ‘Cause you used…your co-workers are your family, right? That’s correct, Daw.
So, we’re gonna need to come up with a plan now. I think I’m gonna have to have you and Don Dankle take the lead. Lady Witchbeard, how would you like Don Dankle and I to handle things? Well, correctly would be great, Daw. Okay. I’m sorry, Daw. I mean, so Don Dankle, despite kind of what we talked about and the changes we made, I still am your apprentice and I think I still do need to…while we’ve bent the pirate code, I still do need to…I’ve been reckless and I haven’t been following the pirate code as your apprentice of late. Okay, I understand, Lady Witchbeard. That makes sense to me. The other thing is, I was thinking when I was…when the pirates had me in that cage and I was silenced, how silence can be golden, and I know I said that to you, Daw, but I think maybe that’s what we go in here as.
Okay, so, what do you mean, Lady Witchbeard? You mean we shouldn’t talk? Correct, Daw. Daw, we’ll go in. It’ll be Don Dankle, you, and then me. We’ll keep our heads down and we’ll just walk in the main shift door down there. They’re gonna be waiting for us, I think. Okay, Lady Witchbeard, could you teach me that spell with the magic map? Maybe I could have something stuck to my face, then, because…just in case I start to talk? Okay, Daw. Here, I’ll just show you on your hand how to trace this. Oh, so I just trace that symbol? You would trace that symbol on something and then put it on your face. That’s it? No, that’s not it, Daw, but you’ve…you have some…we can talk more about magic at another time.
But alls you need to do…oh, okay, so I actually have this kerchief here, so I could put that over my face or my mouth, and that would keep…probably keep me from talking? Yeah, you could do that, Daw. Oh, so there we go; everybody’s…people are already…oh, you guys are not talking already, but seems like everyone’s chattering as we come in. Wow, that’s a lot of different witches. Oh, I better…oh, look, it’s…Lady Witchbeard’s returned. Oh, Lady Witchbeard, we’re so glad to see you. You must have known how much…come in, come in, all of you. We’ve been waiting for you. You’re just in the nick of time. So, they’re kinda talking over me, Lady Witchbeard and Don Dankle, but I think she’s here. She’s here to save us.
Clearly; our daughter and our sister returns and she’s got two assistants with her, and she…oh, she…Lady Witchbeard, you’re being so quiet and so stern with us. We’ll explain everything. Don’t worry. We know what it looks like. Okay, she’s still not speaking. Does anybody…? Lady Witchbeard, we’re…could…excuse me, gentlemen, is…that gentlemen has a kerchief on his face. Lady Witchbeard, we have so many questions. We assume you follow…we…well, we assume you’re investigating things and you know what’s happening. I know we need to explain ourselves and what it looks like, but she came from the past somehow. Well, then someone came…so, I guess there was some song in another world, and this Brandy came. So, that wasn’t from the past. I’m sorry, Lady Witchbeard; I was just trying to get your feeling.
At first I wasn’t gonna tell you, but Brandy came and she was visiting our world, and then she revived the conqueror. Yeah, she was basing it on some song. I don’t even know what the song was. Some song about conquering and stuff. She worked with the conqueror ‘cause she had something…okay, Lady Witchbeard, hello? Are you gonna react to anything we’re saying? So, she made some kind of deal with the conqueror, and now we’re all stuck. We’ve been taken over. We’re mostly powerless. We’re working…I mean, okay, so we…but that’s all we know, Lady Witchbeard. Okay, she’s not responding to me. Can someone else come up here? Okay, Connie, it’s your aunt. We promise we’re not…we’re telling you everything. Okay, so, there’s more we do know.
So, we do know that the deal they struck is some sort of power exchange, so it’s based on power and commerce and something else Brandy…some personal thing with Brandy. Yeah, they did strike a deal with us. We didn’t just go along unwillingly. We did go along willingly because we’ll have full access to the bounty of the thirteen seas, apparently. I guess in a way, that’s not so much sustainable for the thirteen seas but will be great for us, they said, the bounty of the thirteen seas compared to the size of our world. [01:00:00] There’s all sorts of other horned sea creatures, I guess. So, we’ll have easy access to all those sea creatures. Now, she’ll control all of that, but she’ll also be…she’ll spend most of her time in the thirteen seas, dominating that world.
She’s already made deals with…I guess something to do with canals. No more seas; just canals. So, not much will change in our world. I mean, we’ll be work…we’ll have freedom but not as much freedom as we had before. But we’ll have a different kind of peace because…so, yeah. So, yeah, we made a deal with…we made a deal, basically. Also, I mean, it’d probably be…you’re better off being in this world. So, are you gonna…I mean, I guess that means you won’t be able to play pirate anymore, Connie. No more piracy for Connie. No more seals…seas for you to sail. She’s not reacting. Can someone take over for me? Oh yeah, I could take over. This is your sister here. So yeah, you should have heard the stuff she said about you. Lady Witchbeard, she made some serious comments about you.
She said you wouldn’t even be welcome back in the witch world. She said you would probably be…she was gonna deal with you ‘cause she said she would outsmart you. Then we said well, I don’t know if you could…maybe you should just make…maybe we…and then she kept asking us if we knew where you were. We said, no; Connie left home a long time ago. She goes by Lady Witchbeard. She sends us letters. We did show her all the…I mean, you weren’t exactly…you think just because you’re a pirate you’re better than us. Also, she’s…talk about the way you styled your hair. She also made comments about your breath and your…she’s not reacting, everybody. Connie…Lady Witchbeard, Connie, why aren’t you reacting to any of this? Hi, Connie. I’m your former best friend and this is another sister of yours.
Of course, we also told her you arrived here. I mean, you probably already knew that. So, maybe that’ll get your react…her minions are on their way to catch all of you and your two assistants here. They’ll catch you and hold you until she comes back. She said she actually has more important things to do than deal with you, and that even her lesser minions and us, of course, could easily deal with you. But I mean, we totally did that just to avoid punishment. Also because we felt like you thought…you thought we were better than you or better than us. Also, we get reward for turning you in, turning in old Lady Witchbeard. But I don’t know. You don’t seem to care, either, which is strange ‘cause we thought…we told her, actually.
Maybe we should catch Connie for you, because she’s the only one capable of disrupting your plans. I don’t think we told her that, ‘cause we figured she knew it ‘cause…but we figured if you got…lost your temper like in the old days, Connie, Lady Witchbeard…because you have more power than any of us and just more potential. That’s why no one…everyone wondered why did Connie stop being a witch? You said well, I’m a witch-pirate. We said well, isn’t being a witch good enough for you? Okay, but we really needed you. We’re only telling you this to get you angry, Connie, and get your temper going so that you could put a stop to this, but she doesn’t seem angry. Is there something happening here? Like, she’s supposed to get angry. Excuse me, can…he’s got a kerchief over his face. Who are you?
Good evening, everyone. My name is Don Dankle, and Lady Witchbeard is actually my apprentice. Didn’t know she went by Connie. She’s Lady Witchbeard in our world. Her name’s Connie and she has a bad temper. Have you ever experienced that? Oh, no. Lady Witchbeard now follows the pirate code. She’s not allowed to speak at all. But we broke her trust, so she probably can break any oath to a pirate code and tell us that she’s gonna…whatever, turn all the minions into Newty-Poo and then…and also, you’re not a pirate. You’re just someone that plays a pirate, Connie. You’re Connie the witch. You’re just…you’re supposed to work in the polishing…you…okay. Excuse me, please don’t speak. I’ve let you speak and I don’t appreciate you bothering my apprentice, Lady Witchbeard.
Seems like you had some sort of plan within a plan within a plan to take both sides, hopefully. Connie, Lady Witchbeard, you’re familiar with…would get very upset and react and do something where you would have the advantage. Either she would eliminate this other person you’re referring to…we don’t even know what you’re talking about, to be honest. We just…we were in a ship. We accidentally fell through a cauldron, and here we are. That’s impossible. That’s just not possible. It is possible. I haven’t…Lady Witchbeard hasn’t spoken and she’s not scheduled to speak for another eleven days. So, we were just…she indicated where I should go. I was hoping to find some help. We need some hempen rope. Did you say…so, who is this? You’re Don Dankle?
Are you…do you understand the minions of the conqueror of worlds has come…are coming? You’re supposed to put a stop to them if they come. Well, at least we made the deal though, so if they come, they’ll catch Lady Witchbeard, but they’re not gonna follow through on the deal. We only made a deal with the conqueror of worlds so that Lady Witchbeard would deal with the conqueror of worlds. Okay, well, I’ve heard enough of this nonsense. Lady Witchbeard is a pirate and a witch and an apprentice, a member of the Pirate’s Guild which we’re investigating. That’s what we were doing, is investigating some reason the Pirate’s Guild isn’t meeting. Also, I read…I’ve read a lot of books about your world and it seems like your balconies are looking a little bare. That made me sad.
I was so looking forward to the expression on each and every one of your balconies. But it’s clear to me now that we’re not gonna find any hempen rope or…and you mentioned Newty-Poo, and we were looking at…we should go because clearly I can see by all of your body language that we only have a few minutes. It seems like you run a wonderful, sustainable horn-based business. I’m so glad that my apprentice here has a kerchief over his mouth. But that, you know, we’re trying to figure out if you have any reading material that you could leave. We’re gonna exit through there because we are trying to figure out Newty-Poo, sava root, and some sort of binding agent, and how that falls into what you’re saying.
So, and maybe if I…later on, who’s to say if old Connie who’s smart enough now…maybe young Connie when young Connie hung around with all of you. I could see why young Connie would lose her temper. Maybe no one knew that she could be both a witch and a pirate, but that Connie has a longer vision now, so maybe Lady Witchbeard will return to save all of you from this pickle you’ve found yourself in so you could express yourself on balconies and through horn-based businesses or other communities that have their own businesses that you trade with. It would be a shame for all of you to lose that and…so, we’ll be off. Oh, thank you for this book. I’m looking for…it’s a…oh, it’s a binder of information. This will help us and maybe it’ll help Lady Witchbeard.
But Daw and Lady Witchbeard and I will be heading out this door towards maybe those horned sheep, I think. Come on, Daw; come on, [01:10:00] Lady Witchbeard. Daw, you could take that off. You can talk now. Wow, I forgot…I totally forgot Lady Witchbeard’s name was Connie, Don Dankle. Lady Witchbeard, you probably shouldn’t talk ‘til we’re out of earshot. Also, it looks like if you talk, you’d just raise your voice strongly anyway. So, what do you think, Don Dankle? We’re gonna hide out in the sheep pens? Well Daw, it was that book from one of your worlds. We’re gonna get underneath…I don’t think you knew this, but there’s also…the antlers curve all the way underneath those sheep.
Maybe Lady Witchbeard was telling me about it, and…or maybe I read about it somewhere, and that’s…it’s…that’s how the babies rest in those antlers on the mother sheep, and that’s how they’re nursed, is in the arms of antlers. There was a lot of poetry of visitors to the witch world that write about these sheep. I guess you don’t read it at all. Oh, to be an ant…baby…anyway, so I think we could…just like the book I read from your world where people would hide under the sheep’s…that’s how Odysseus…we could be like…we don’t need to hide; we could just get…yeah, see…okay, so let’s put Lady Witchbeard under that one. We’re gonna remove these fence posts here and kick them down. I’m gonna…Daw, you’re under there? Yeah, get comfortable.
You’ll probably…we’ll sleep for a while ‘cause they’re gonna start going, ‘cause these sheep…it just happens to be our timing; when the gate opens, they migrate. Now unfortunately, Daw, we’ll have to…we’ll be woken because these are all…a lot of these are the single sheep, and they’re gonna go migrate to their spring meeting grounds. But it’ll take five to six days for them to get there, so we’ll…I don’t think the minions will ever…there’s too many sheep. There’s…it looks like tens of thousands of them, and they’re already move…they move very, very fast as you notice, Daw. I’m right next to you in a sheep. Luckily the sheep stay close together, so…they move in threes. So, yeah, let’s rest and get comfortable. Lady Witchbeard’s falling asleep, I hope.
Yeah, we’ll figure things out when we get further away from this, Daw and Lady Witchbeard. It’s a good thing I did a lot of reading cross-worlds. Goodnight Daw, goodnight Lady Witchbeard, and goodnight, everybody. Don Dankle; cradled underneath a sheep and the antlers of a antler-based sheep. Goodnight.
[END OF RECORDING]
- Portal Cauldrons
- Follow the Cobblestone Road
- A Binder of Information
- The Wizard of Oz
- Doctor Who
- The Odyssey
Notable Talking Points:
- Gripping a pillow like it’s your arch-enemy
- Just Average is Just Right to me
- Nursed in the Arms of Antlers