Morely, Boredly, and Casper – Throwback to Episode 362
What happens when a boy wants to be the sidekick of a legendary journalist? This case of method living, acting, and investigating should put you to sleep.
- Under Amateur
- Baby Casper Zone (BCZ)
- Morley Safer
- Foghorn Leghorn
Notable Talking Points:
- Super Slides at the street fair
- Out of the corner of my ear…
- Cradled by a mother ghost
Morely, Boredly, and Casper – Throwback to Episode 362
[START OF RECORDING]
SCOOTER: Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s time for the podcaster who just took a Fisherman’s Friend to reduce mouth noises, and that’s…well, now I’m not hearing them anymore. That’s like a cough drop…oh, there’s a mouth noise. Don’t worry, you won’t hear any more the rest of the episode. This is why I warm up…and you may be confused and yep, so am I, ‘cause it’s time for Sleep With Me, the podcast with very little mouth noises. Except at this particular moment that I’m leaving in, you may not even hear them, but that’s how much I care. It’s time for Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. Thanks for making it possible, my patron peeps.
Hey everybody, it’s Scoots here. This is a repeat episode that came out a while ago. One of my favorite series or occasional things…I think they call them Morley and Borely. Eventually they would…this is either the first or the second episode we ever did. I don’t even know right now because I’m still trying to find uncompressed audio of the first episode, but I do have uncompressed…so, this is probably the second…or second episode, ‘cause more realistically, I’m not gonna find that uncompressed audio of the first episode. But that just means better quality. But I even found the original files of the second episode. So yeah, this is a look back at Derek Borely and Morley Safer doing stuff together. I don’t even know what this…I literally…they go to Kmart a lot and deal with stuff, but I don’t know about this episode.
One of my favorite people that has ever…who have ever imaginarily seen in an event, then imagined in reality without the podcast. I thought I saw Morley Safer at a performance of…my dad’s musical community theatre performance of Mame. I said, is that Morley Safer over there? This is, I don’t know, six years ago, seven years ago. I was still paying attention to the musical, but I was also imagining that Morley Safer and I became best friends and went on adventures together. Yeah, I’m aware Morley’s…Morley, maybe you’re listening now to the podcast, or checking it out. Maybe you’re with your friend Derek, ‘cause my name is Drew and Scooter. But one of my favorite small, ongoing jokes…yeah, so this one goes out to Morley Safer and everybody else out there. Yeah.
INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble falling asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m gonna do is create a safe place where you can set aside whatever’s been keeping you up at night, whatever’s got you tossing and turning, whether it’s thoughts, feelings, sensations, emotions, noise. Whatever is keeping you from crossing over that threshold, I’m gonna try to distract you from that. The way I’m gonna do it is I’m gonna send my voice here across the deep, dark night.
I’m gonna use lulling, soothing tones, pointless meanders, similes, something like and as a simile and a metaphor. I say, with…not really a para…I don’t think I’m capable of paradox. Definitely no paradoxes at bedtime. I’ll get right into the senseless metaphors here, ‘cause this bedtime podcast, this podcast is meant to take your mind off that kinda stuff that runs through your head, alls…and that is a paradox, actually, when you lie down and either you’re exhausted or they call it over-tired. Pardon my language, who came up with that term? Probably a brain bot, without a doubt. Over-tired; it’s just…it should be just frigging tired, you know? Or if you’re…Battlestar; fracking tired. Or, you know. But what was I saying? Sorry, I got a little fired up there.
But the paradox, I guess I was talking about, is you lie down and either you did all this work to get ready to go to sleep or you’re just beat or you’ve been looking forward to it, and then all of a sudden all these creatures…you know, creatures are stirring. What was that without a match…? How’s that Christmas thing go? All the creatures were stirring. Oh, not a creature was stirring. But in your mind, all of a sudden, the creatures were stirring, just like a bunch of frigging annoying mouses, you know? Don’t object, mouses; I’m just using you in a…whatever that sense is. I overused the word ‘metaphor’ already, so I can’t say that. So, don’t get bent. But you know, all of a sudden you say jeez, I wasn’t thinking about anything, and I thought I was pretty calm and stuff.
Now I climb into bed and it’s like this…I don’t know this term, I’m sorry. I don’t know if you guys have this, a Fireman Field Day. But it’s like a field day for your thoughts, your worries, your concerns, your pains, your past hurts, your present hurts, your future hurts, fear, all those things start running through your brain. Paradoxically, you’re trying to quiet stuff down and the more you try, the more you try to control stuff, the harder it is. I use the term Fireman Field Day and I don’t know, that…those things, I guess they disappeared, I guess in Syracuse, New York, where I grew up. The unincorporated areas, like the…like on the…I lived right on the edge of the city up against the county line, the unincorporated part of the county.
In order to raise money or one of the ways they raised money for the volunteer fire department was to have a Fireman's Field Day. It’s kinda like a carnival or a county fair. It would have a few rides, it would have food, and it would have a tent. Actually, it was the first…I was thinking about it ‘cause lately I’ve been lucky enough to have some attention on the podcast, and I was thinking about Bobby Finger. Also, Bobby Finger has a new podcast out, so make sure to check that out. But Bobby Finger was the first person that interviewed me about this podcast, but it was like, is that the first interview I’ve ever done in my life?
Then I don’t know if this counts as a interview; it doesn’t, now that I’m talking about it, but I was at the Fireman's Field Day and someone from the news would come, the local news, and this guy’s name…I think his name was Denny, and he was…I don’t know if he did the weather or the traffic, but he was the kinda…the goofy guy in the news. He was also on a morning show for kids called Saturday Morning Showboat. That was kinda like a kids’ variety show. But this guy Denny, that’s what we’ll say his name is, he came to the thing and he’d say hey, this is the guy from the news that…and he had a mannequin. I forget the mannequin’s name. I don’t know what he talked about, maybe the…what it’s like being a weather…what it’s like working on the news.
But he did a little routine with his mannequin, and that was always cool for kids to see people that could throw their voice, or ventriloquists. A ventriloquist dummy I guess it was, not a mannequin. Oh boy, a mannequin…I thought I was…that would have been better. Maybe that’s what he had at home, was a mannequin. There’s probably a 95% chance that’s…sorry, Denny, but I wish I had a mannequin to love. Believe me. Wow, this went way off the rails. But so, he did his little show with his ventriloquist dummy, not his mannequin. That was probably for after midnight. But then they took…they said, any kids want to come up and tell a joke? Usually I was terrified of everything and avoided it, but I said well, jeez, I’ll come up and tell a joke. Then I went up and told this joke, which I’ve told before on the show.
Wasn’t my own joke, but it was that…was does the…when…I don’t know the setup exactly, but it’s a mama…mama ghost and a baby ghost get in a car to go to the store. What does the mama ghost say to the baby ghost before they leave? Fasten your sheet-belt. I think I got a signed picture of Denny and the ventriloquist dummy. Probably…I don’t know what his name was. Usually…I don’t know. We prefer a two-syllable word or a three-syllable word for a dummy. Dummy; yeah, I guess Freddy the Dummy…Fred the Dummy. Freddy’s not a very good name, though. I guess though usually with a high…Beatty; that’s a good…that would be a good one. Maybe not. So, where was I? So, the podcast is meant to take your mind off stuff, distract you.
That was just a little sampler of what I do on the show, is kinda go off on a little tangent. I thought I was gonna talk about paradoxes, but quickly part of my brain said you don’t know what a paradox is; change the subject. I said thanks, I will. Wait, what did you say? I was gonna talk about something else. I forgot what we were talking about anyway. Then I’ll kinda go off, but I’m not positive here, but I’m…sometimes I’m fairly confident. If the podcast is gonna work for you, you say well, he was talking about Denny and the Fireman's Field Days and the ghosts in a car, which is kind of a…it’s like, where are the ghosts going? That should have been the joke. They’re changing haunting locations? What are they going to the store for? I say, that…so this…that could be a podcast episode, maybe.
Maybe that should be a podcast episode, The Ghost That Went to the Store. Maybe that’ll be tonight’s episode. I think it will be. I guess we’re gonna trend our Trending Twitter Tuesday that right now. But I think there’s a chance while I was doing all that that you weren’t thinking about all the other stuff that might have been keeping you up at night. That’s ideally what happened. So, that’s what I’m gonna do. You’re under no obligation to listen to me. Just lie back, kinda let yourself be distracted. The story will kinda…it’s kinda like…I guess like at the Fireman's Field Days, they had the Super Slide, which if you’re not a kid, there’s nothing super about it, but…super rip-off, I guess, as a parent now I say. You still see those from time to time at a street fair. But when you’re a kid, you’re like, that thing is awesome.
How many times can I go on it? It’s like, once. It’s $5. But the Super Slide, you’re…the podcast kinda works in the same way, but you’re like…you’re going…you’re gonna kinda be engaged, but then you’re gonna keep going and keep going, and then when you get to the bottom, ideally you’ll be asleep instead of being like well, that’s it. I guess that would be it. Like, my story will be like the Super Slide. I’ll go whoop, whoop, whoosh. Then ideally you go whoosh into dreamland instead of being like, I just paid…a kid would just be like, can I go again? That was great. That’s what your brain bots will do through the rest of the story, ideally. All the parts that are keeping you up, they’ll be listening to me.
You’ll whoosh right off; you’ll be like…’cause you’re not paying anything for this podcast and you don’t have any commitment to me, and I’m not gonna charge your brain bots to go on it five more times while you sleep. So yeah, whoosh, whoosh. It has three…get on that burlap sack and you go up and…oh man, I can…now I’m getting immersed ‘cause it was like, you’d be in a…it’d be a late summer day and you’d be at the top of that Super Slide tower, and twilight would be mixing with the sunset. I ruined that by saying mix…minxing…but I guess that could be a term, you know? They kinda are getting minxy with the sunset and the twilight. You’re standing up there and you feel…you really feel alive…a kid, and then you go whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, and ideally you keep going into the twilight, across the deep, dark night.
I’ll be here talking to you for the next forty-five minutes to an hour, trying to just listen and follow my ridiculous train of thoughts instead of yours, you know? That’s the offering. Just listen to me and whenever you feel like checking out, whenever you feel like drifting off, go right ahead, alright? So, I’m glad you’re here. This podcast doesn’t work for everybody. I hope it works for you, and I really appreciate you trying it out and stopping by, ‘cause I know it takes a lot of…I know there’s a lot of crap out there. 60% of people say this is something…that word does not…so, I don’t have any expectation or demands of you. I hope it works for you, and if it doesn’t, I hope you…I really do hope you find something that does, and I’m glad you’re here. So thanks for stopping by, and I really hope I can help you fall asleep.
Alright, it’s Trending Twitter Tuesday. It’s Saturday, about 5…just before 5:30 PM. So, I got the Twitter app open. Let’s see the number one…what’s trending in Milwaukee. I like how we can really nail this down. Tonight’s episode was born out of the opening about…a story came out of this joke. Well, I guess it’s an investigation I did. It was an investigation I did about a ghost…two ghosts. Well, a ghost parent and a baby ghost in a car. Anyway, I had to get my sleuthing on, ‘cause…oh, by the way, it’s February 27, just for the record, because since I’m sleuthing, I want to be sure. 5:28, February 27, PM, reporting. When I get my sleuthing cap on, when I get into my reporter mode…definitely super under-amateur.
I pitched that to Under Armor, but they…well, they…I don’t know if they opened the e-mail. But I said what about a new line; Under Amateur? They said…well, the brain bot, the…one of my brain bots pre-pitched…my pre-pitched brain bot said well, what do you mean? What’s Under Amateur? I said, that’s why I stood in front of the mirror, brain bot. Look right there; under amateur. Then the brain bot said you got me on that, but why would you need specialized under-clothing? I said come on, of course…I say, ‘cause it’s special and we want to feel special just like everybody else. Just ‘cause we’re an under amateur doesn’t mean we…you know, we have a right like all people to feel special every once in a while. Then that brain bot said okay, you got me again.
So, but when I get on my sleuthing hat and then I put on my Under Amateur underwear, AKA adult Underoos that I special-ordered…don’t ask what superhero. I mean, I would say go…I’d say, I thought you were gonna talk about two ghosts in a car, Scoots. Well yeah, just let me finish this out, okay, self-critic? I feel down enough about buying these Underoos, and I special-ordered them. Somebody in Brooklyn makes them, hand-paints them. So, I guess you shouldn’t have sent that letter to…oh, that makes more sense and why they were $80. But well, I sent that to the Underoos headquarters, so…well, great. I signed it Scooter, Sleep With Me podcast, ‘cause I thought that’ll get some results.
But I…again, I don’t want to harp on GI Joe and how much I dislike GI Joe, ‘cause I love the show and I guess I’m obsessed with it, but I guess GI Joe was really…never mind, I don’t want to get into throwing around…so anyway, not important. You live and you learn. I don’t know what…I guess I wish I knew the life lesson there. But as I was talking about in the intro, once upon a time, little Andy or little buddy, little Andy, the kid that…and this was pre…this was when I still had some freshness to me, ‘cause I told that little joke with Denny and his ventriloquist dummy. So, I think I say…and I think this…but this was probably right around the time I had trouble sleeping, but I told this joke; what does the mama ghost say to the baby ghost when they get in the car to go somewhere? Fasten your sheet-belt.
I was repeating this conversation to set it up on the phone with Morley Safer, ‘cause that’s where I trying to go with the setup, is that if I’m gonna do any investigative reporting, it’s gonna involve Morley because he’s my hero and I want him to learn my name. For some reason, if you’re new to the show, a couple times I’ve roped Morley Safer…or some critics of the show will say a man that looks like Morley Safer whose name’s also Morley, that’s not Morley Safer, into some adventures with me when I was in Florida…it was just a year ago, actually. I guess it’s a good as time as any to take a little bit of a walk down old Nostalgia Road. I was at a performance of Mame, a musical, M-A-M-E, that my father was performing in. I forget his name, but Mame’s adopted son. I almost had it.
I don’t think it was Matthew, but it was something like that. But I was sitting there and I had…I think this was the second performance I had been to of my father in Mame, and it was wonderful. The woman that played Mame was spectacular. This was at the retirement village and this was when my mom was sick last year, so it was a little bit stressful time, so it was a nice escape. But I was looking around the room scanning all these people being…suspending their disbelief and watching this performance and just feeling the stories in the room, to be honest with you, and I locked eyes with a man, and then he looked back to the stage. I said, that’s Morley Safer. I said, you know, my heart started pitter-pattering with a investigative journalism crush, I guess would be the right term.
Then I roped Morley…I said I wanted to start a team. I said Morley and Borely, Morley and Gorely. Then I got involved with Morley in a…I thought we were on a case about water or something, and then it ended up it was just trying…his brother was trying to break up with somebody and they had an incredibly irritating dog. I helped, but…I think at some point, instead of calling me Scoop or Scooter or Drew, Morley must have got some bad information and thought my name was Derek. I still don’t know why, even as a wife…so, then we had a couple other…we stopped…believe it or not, the Plutonians tried to wreck the Earth and stuff, but we got involved in saving the Earth, basically. It was mostly Morley, but still Morley thought my name was Derek after that.
He even set me…try…he said Derek, I want you to come…he tried to set me up on blind dates, even. I’ll be honest, I’ll put it out there; it was crushing. A lot of people will say isn’t it enough to be adventuring with Morley Safer, one of your heroes, and saving the entire Planet Earth and enabling Morley’s brother to break up with his girlfriend conflict-free, and knowing this icon of American journalism…what’s the point here? Yeah, the point is it’s not good enough. Saving the world, helping Morley Safer break…his brother break up with his girlfriend, yeah, that’s great, but there’s a part of me…one, that wants to be…I guess the amateur journalism part…it’s more I want to be on adventures with Morley Safer on a first name basis. The adventures are great.
I guess as I learn more on this journey of self-discovery I’m on, I say well jeez, there’s just a need inside of me to have more than a adventure with Morley Safer. I guess yeah, we could go on analyzing it forever. Well, didn’t he say that he wanted to set you up on a date with one of his nieces, and doesn’t that say a lot about your relationship with him? But yeah, he…but he just knows me as Derek. So, it doesn’t…and I don’t know…I don’t think he’s messing with me, and he’s…I know he has all of his faculties, so it’s not that. So yeah, it’s not good enough. I’m sorry. I said well, what about this ghost…two ghosts in a car? So, I called him. I said Morley…of course, he said Derek, oh…he called to his wife whose name I’ll leave out. I don’t want to…she’s not a public figure. He say…it’s…Derek’s on the phone.
She got on; oh Derek, how are you? We miss you. They say okay, when are you coming to Florida? I said…that’s what I did; I said I’m great. Then they said oh Derek, you’re so…’cause they even know my personality. They know I’m a bit of a loon. So anyway, it was time to pitch Morley on this story. I said excuse me, can you put Morley back on? They say well, what about this…are you still single? Then they both laughed at that. But I think Derek’s a little bit more…maybe that’s why they call…so I said jeez, do I…I said okay, I gotta…I guess I gotta…and I said, maybe they’re…maybe I’m trying to go at this the wrong way. Maybe I need to embrace Derek and get this…so I said yeah, this is Derek. Can you put Morley back on? I got a case. So, Morley hopped on and said Derek, what is it? I said Morley, we got a case.
We got a ghost case. I said Morley, Morley, did you hear me? We got a case. He said yeah, I think…he goes, I must have missed…I said no, no, no, Morley…I say, we got…okay…and then I’ll skip over this part ‘cause it took about four months, but…of logistics and fitting in when Morley does touring schedules. Then saying Derek…and then just…I had to buy a ticket to Florida, which I say well…I said well, I guess…and then I said wait, is…I say yeah, the ghost…I said we could meet anywhere. We should have just done it on Skype. But anyway, got to Florida and met up with Morley at a coffee shop. I just kept telling myself own the future, Scoots. You’re Derek now. I said well, Scooter…maybe I…and I said, I’m Derek. No more willy…whatever, mixing up willy-nilly…willy washing or whatever.
That sounds…definitely no willy…Morley stood up as I walked into the…he said, Derek! I said Morley, Morley, back on the case. Then I said, I guess I’m Derek Borely, private…well, I guess we’re not private…amateur…well, Morley’s a pro. Morley and Borely, investigative journalist inside cake. He said alright, tell me what’s going on, Derek. I said okay, Morley, let me take you back. So, I’ll skip that part ‘cause I already took you guys back. Then we…I ordered some coffee, then I had too much coffee ‘cause I told Morley about the whole thing. Morley even laughed at the joke ‘cause Derek Borely is one hell of a sidekick, which troubles me. Could I…do I need to become…I said, am I a character investigative reporter? He said, what kind of investigative reporting do you do? I say yeah, I’m a method investigative reporter.
Derek Borely; method investigations. I said well, if Morley…I guess I’ll do that if Morley does it. Morley said Derek, are you with me? I said I’m just worried about the case, Morley. I said, did you get all that? He said…he patted me on the shoulder, like in a fatherly way, and he said okay Derek, so, we’re looking for two ghosts in a car. I guess yeah, we’re looking for ghosts, cartoon ghosts, you know? Mother and a child. Not sure if it’s a girl or a boy, to be honest. Ghosts are kinda…a bit androgynous. These ones in my brain that I was picturing, the ones from the joke…and Morley was…already had out his Stenopad and was writing. He said, do you think this is related to the Plutonians? I said I don’t, to be honest, Morley, ‘cause this was pre-Plutonian. He said okay, Derek.
Walk me through…what are we looking for? I said well, we got…there’s a lot of questions on this case, More, Morley, ‘cause he gave me…he looked up with his signature Safer look. He’s like, please complete my name. That’s what his eyes on my face told me. I said well, there’s a couple questions on this case, Morley. One, well…I said first of all, the car. I don’t know…that’s confusing, but I don’t know if that’s worthy of invest…I said, just where are the ghosts going? He was under the impression that ghosts didn’t travel. If they did, it wasn’t casually. Morley’s like okay, he’s writing this down. Yeah, I think he was making bullet points. Then the waitress came over and she said, I…she goes, you guys here for the Pac…in town for the Pac-Man tournament? I heard you talking ghosts. I said no, no, no.
Then she said, are you in town for the Ghostbusters reboot shoot? I said no, but we…I said, that’s a quaint…I said Morley, we’re definitely in the right place. He said it’s coalescing, Derek. I said yeah, we gotta get…I guess we gotta get on this. He said, where do you want to start? I said I don’t know. I said ma’am, where is this…where is the tournament, the Pac-Man tournament? She said it’s on the set of the Ghostbusters, of course. I say well, I thought they already shot that movie. I mean, shot that movie, ma’am. She said well, they’re doing re-shoots. I said wait…Morley was writing this down, too. I said wow, this is really going well, ‘cause usually I’m mess…when I’m not be…when I’m being myself but Morley thinks I’m Derek, I say he doesn’t let me take the lead. She said, what are you talking about?
I said Morley, don’t write that down. That was just a blip. I said, where’s the set? She said it’s a re-building of…I said, Columbia? She said no, Marquette. I said okay, Milwaukee school. She said yeah. I said, can you point us to it? I said so, they…there are teachers at Columbia. She said, what do I look like, Doris Hollywood to you? I said, you don’t happen to be a ghost, do you? She said, no. I said alright, well…I said well, Morley and Borely are on the case, ma’am. Rest easy. Here’s two bits for your time. I said Morley, could you give her a couple bits? He slipped her a five. Then I had three more cups of coffee, but I had realized that when More…we…me and Morley told them only bring me decaf, so then I just had to make a couple extra stops when we tried to drive to the set of the movie.
Morley said, what’s our next move? I said well, I don’t know, Morley, ‘cause we could sneak on the set and cause havoc, but I said I don’t want to do that ‘cause I like everybody involved in that project, and I love Ghostbusters. I said, we’ve…I said you know…I said there’s another coinky-dink. He said, what…he said please don’t…Derek, that’s not professional; coinky-dink. I said, there’s another piece of synergy here, Morley. He wrote that down and then crossed it out, which I took to be a form of constructive crit…a subtle form of…the kind Morley does to Derek, his near-equal. I said, I believe that they’re also shooting Fuller House, the Netflix remake of Full House, here. I was like, you want to talk about a place full of ghosts. I said, there’s…and he said, let’s go. He goes, a house is a perfect place to start.
The next thing you know, Morley’s in full invest…you know, full 60 Minutes. He calls lull…Mister…I have to call him Mr. Bergman. If I talk to Morley about him, he won’t take…he won’t directly correspond with me. But I think that’s before he met…actually, this is a tangent here, but everybody’s using this…you know, when I…I always try to figure out these pop terms. So, I’ve been trying to figure out soft power. The other one is peak something, like I hear…so, then I was thinking well, maybe I’ll be peak Derek Borely. The next thing I know, we pull up to the Fuller House set, which was in a full…a house. We’re talking to a…did I say that already? We started talking to a key grip, but Morley was on a full sixty minutes, I think, before I got on the tangent. That’s what we were at.
The key grip starts telling us about all these cartoon hijinks, and I said, with Kimmy? Then he just stare…and I said well, maybe Kimmy’s not all she’s cracked up to be as an adult. I said no spoilers, by the way, key grip. Morley wrote…double underline; no spoilers. Then Morley’s…he goes, tell us more about these hijinks. The key grip says, unexplainable. He goes, unexplainable hilarity on the set of Fuller House. I said, are you being ironic? He said, who are you asking? Then Morley went…he goes, I’m asking. The key grip got all…he sat back, he leaned back in his seat. If he had a cigarette, he would have lit it and smoked it. He said, I tell you who you want to talk to. You want to talk to Old Man Vandy. We said, Old Man Vandy. That was so good, Morley didn’t even need to write it down. He said oh, where’s Old Man Vandy?
He said, down the way. I said, down the way where? He said, the Anaheim Room. I said, the Anaheim Room here in the Fuller House house? He said, yeah. I said well, where…? He said, the base…that’s what we call the basement; the Anaheim Room. I said, why do you call it the Anaheim Room? He said it’s for the crew only, and it’s a place away from all this Fuller House stuff. So, it’s like Disneyland because once we’re away from all this…and I say wow, that’s cool. I said, I wish…and the…Morley said let’s go, Derek. So, we go down to the basement and the crew is coming up from a break. Morley says Derek…he goes, let’s…follow my lead. He goes excuse me, gents, this…he goes, I’m Morley. This is Derek Borely. He goes, we were wondering what you heard about some hijinks around these parts.
Morley was talking one-tenth of a decibel louder than normal, barely detectable by human ears unless you’re a sidekick, future partner Derek Borely, and you can pick up on these kind of things because you’re method investigating. Morley say…I just got a couple questions for you. He goes, have you’ve felt any chills? The crew say…all said yeah, I think so. Goes, okay. Morley said sit down here. He goes, let’s go downstairs and talk just for a minute or two. Can I have your time? They all…they said sure, Mr. Safer. Then they started clapping. They said alright, Derek Borely. They treat me with disrespect and comradery at the same time. We sat around a couple of sawhorses with a piece of wood on it. They poured me a coffee out of those cool green giant things.
They started talking about ghosts and how, once upon a time, they had shot one of the Casper…live-action Casper movies, the same set as the house, made for the old nuclear family shoots and designed for that wholesome aspect of…and then Morley said it’s interesting now…he goes, ‘cause it’s reborn with the Fuller House and the kind of plot line we…me and Derek have a vague awareness of, but not really any details other than Candace and Kimmy. Yeah, he said I know…well, I know the twins, they didn’t sign in. I don’t think they signed up for it, but I can’t…I don’t have a…I don’t have full callback of…was that Jodie Sweetin…was the other one? Morley wrote that one down. Question mark…expand…two sets…I don’t know what those are called, Oxford lines or whatever.
We start asking…they asked…they started talking about Nickelodeon, slime, getting slimed by…Nickelodeon slime and giggling and just general…I said, is any of it eerie? They said, no. Irritating, and that that was somebody’s…then we all laughed; it was funny, actually. Morley said alright…he goes so, they shot that Casper movie here. Then out of the corner of my ear, I guess…I guess that would be out of my ear, ‘cause I don’t know if my ear actually has any corners. But the corner of the room, I heard a creak, a back-and-forth creak of a rocking chair. Then I heard the clearing of a throat of a man, probably an old man named Vandy. He said, it’s a Perdue chicken you’re looking for. Perdue chicken’s where all of it started. Morley and I turned at the same time as partners are known to do. They’re tuned into each other.
Morley just raised his right hand and pushed the air back, excusing the rest of the crew. They soundlessly left, and we turned around in our chairs and we found ourselves looking across the room at a man named Vandy, Old Man Vandy. I found myself…I was fully in method investigation, ‘cause I stood up and I walked across the room and I said you must be Old Man Vandy. I said, I’m Derek Borely. We’re here to ask you some questions, sir. He said, my father was the sir. I’m an old man. Then he chuckled, Morley chuckled, I chuckled. I pulled a chair up close to Vandy and I said, tell us more about this chicken, Vandy. He said it was the…I think he said…he goes…let me piece it back together. He said it was the cast and crew party celebrating the close of the shoot.
I don’t know the terms of these things, but I’m sure they have a professional term, like a cast party or whatever you have after opening night or closing night of a play. He still moved back and forth in his chair. He was rocking in a chair; it wasn’t even a rocking chair. But he was Old Man Vandy. It didn’t even matter. But he said it was a Perdue chicken that started all the trouble. I said, how’d you know it was a Perdue chicken? He goes well, that’s who we hired. He goes, you know, those ones from the commercials. He goes, I’ve been on that shoot…I go, Casper? He goes, Casper 2: The Ghost with the Most. He said, didn’t you write that, Derek? I said, you’re…I’m in…I’m Derek Bordley, sir. No, I’m not a writer of Casper fanfiction and direct-to-DVD movies like the wonderful Casper 3, actually.
Ghost Overboard was what I may have written, but no, not 2, no. No, Mr. Old Man Vandy. Anyway, Derek Bordley here to ask you more questions. Morley said, so there’s a guy in a chicken suit. He goes, two guys in a chicken suit. He goes, and they play the non-Perdue chickens, if you remember the commercials at all. Morley said, I do. I said, I totally…I said I totally do. I said, but there’s no Perdue chicken in those, because I mean, the irony is the chickens wanted to be…but if they knew what they’re in for…and Vandy cracked his knuckles and he said, you’re getting distracted from the point, son. I said alright, Vandy, clue me in. He said well, that was the thing. He goes, we only hired the two chickens, but then there was the third one there, the Perdue chicken…showed up. Said his name was Cruise Zuul.
We just thought it was some…we said, what the heck? Who is that? Billy? Jimmy? Who’s in that chicken suit? We were all having a great time ‘cause we knew we were gonna be rich off Casper 2. I said, what was the…what was that called again? I said, are you still upset they didn’t make Casper 3: Ghost Overboard? He patted me on the head and winked. I said well, I guess I can’t be a method investigator with everybody. He said…he goes, and next thing we knew, the party was rocking and this Perdue chicken, Cruise Zuul, was the life of the party. He was pretending he was a South Carolina democratic senator or congressman making speeches, pressing the flesh. He goes at some point, the two actors that were playing the non-Perdue chickens, they left, you know. We said, where’s your buddies?
He said oh, those aren’t my friends. He goes, that was a couple of guys in chicken suits. He goes, we drank a bit, and he goes, then the party went on and went on and the chicken was still dancing, dancing with all the crew and the cast. We’re all just having a great time, you know? I guess I’ve been drawn in by this guy. Finally, Morley said get to the point. Morley bumped his fist on the table, even. Goes, we gotta done solve this mystery here, and you’re spinning me a web. He goes, at some point…he goes, in the middle of the party…he goes, somebody just got nervous. They said, Cruise’s…’cause he said all of a sudden, he started talking about Casper and how he’s friends with Casper, and that Casper was gonna move on. Then I said to Casper 3: Ghost Overboard…and Old Man Vandy said to a future project.
He goes, and then there was this…the sound system went out, the dance lights went out, and they went off and they went back on, and the chicken was still there. He goes, but it was only sitting in a chair. He goes, then we heard a car pull out of the lot, and we went to un-suit the chicken to make sure…we said…he goes, it was a seven-foot stuffed chicken. I said, a seven-foot stuffed chicken suit? He said no, it was a seven-foot doll or life…mannequin. He goes, there was no way anyone was inside that chicken. He said, the other thing was anytime anybody touched the chicken, they got a case of the giggles. I said, that’s mysterious. He goes, it was a mystery, but we stopped talking about it. Morley cleared his throat and he stood and he started to pace the room, looking through his notepad.
He said this doesn’t make any sense. None of this makes any sense at all. He said you got a movie set used for the movie Casper, Casper 2, Full House. He said, was this used in the…it was the original Full House. Vandy said, majority of the interior stuff was, but we’ve redesigned it for a remodel for Fuller House. Morley said…he goes, we still…he goes, still doesn’t make any sense. He goes, you got a chicken suit, a moving chicken suit causing the giggles, causing fun, causing mystery. You got a missing car; did the missing car ever turn up? The guy said it did. He said it was Old Foghorn Leghorn Jones’ car. He goes, they found the car. The only thing was the seat belts were replaced by sheets. This is the first time I’ve ever heard Morley gasp. It will probably be the last time I’ve heard Morley gasp.
Morley said now we’re getting somewhere. He goes, who was this man? Foghorn Leghorn Jones? He goes, where do we find him? Vandy said you don’t. He’s not with us anymore. Morley said well, there’s your sheet-belts, Derek. I said you’re right, Morley, but we still don’t have anything that makes any comprehensible sense related to why any of this is going on or how we’re gonna resolve the case, or if there’s even a case that needs to be resolved. He said Vandy, that’s my partner Derek Borely. I got the chills.
For me, the case was already…I said, I could care less…I mean, in my head I was like…I mean, if only…I said well, I guess I’ve learned to live now, because I got the chills, ‘cause Morley just called a character I was playing…being…trying to be myself, but realizing if I played a character more pleasing to Morley, he might…that…so, said I can’t have the dream…but I said yeah, I got the chills, ‘cause Morley said I was his partner, but he didn’t really mean it ‘cause it’s not really me. But I said we’re on the case now instead of saying all that stuff going through my head. Morley said let’s go, Derek. I think I got an idea of what’s going on. I said well, I don’t. Morley said well, don’t worry; he said let’s go upstairs. He goes, this place got an attic, Vandy? Vandy said of course it does. It’s got two attics. Morley said that’s even better.
He goes, now I really know what’s happening. We headed upstairs and out of the basement. I guess that’s up to the ground floor. Then we headed up to the second floor. Then I said wait a second, where is…John Stamos is…I said, who lives in the basement, Morley? John Stamos or Dave Coulier? Morley said to the attic, Derek. Then we went up to the third floor and I say yeah, they think they did have three floor…I said, that would be a dream of mine, Morley, to live in a house with three floors. Morley said to me, don’t give up on Kimmy. Then I got the chills again, but for a whole different reason. I said but she’s probably…that’s a character…and then I was…I said Morley…and then he laughed and I said oh my goodness, Morley.
Then we went up another floor to technically what would be the fourth floor but what was actually the first attic. I said, what do you think, Morley? Morley said, I think we got a case of a confused mother ghost. He said, I’m gonna need you to act, Derek. He said, do you know how to act? Can you become a character? I said I could try, Morley. He pulled a sheet off of a piece of furniture, he threw it over me; he said get on your knees. If Morley Safer says that to you, you say I…you got it. Then he said you’re Casper now. Act like a little…but he goes, you could Casper it down. He goes, don’t do that fricking silly new-age attitude, you know? I said, I’m Casper. I said okay, Papa Morley. Boo. Morley said oh, Casper. Then I said I think I know what…then we heard a noise above our heads, a calming lullaby noise.
I said Morley-poo, Morley-poo, I love you. Then Morley gave me a cut it, like it was too weird. But I said, I’m in the Casper…baby Casper zone. Then Morley started acting…he said who are you? I said I’m Casper. He said, what are you doing in my…why…my family’s…my kids’ family…this is the Fuller…our house is already full. I said well, I just stopped by. I’m looking for my mommy. Morley winked at me like I was doing a good job, like Derek Borely was on the case pretending…Scooter, Andrew was being Scooter being Derek Borely being Casper on the case. Crack, crick. Amateur reporter or investigator. Casper-poo. Morley said Casper, have you been playing around with people and clowning around and pretending you were a giant chicken? Then I said well, I just wanted to dance at the party. It was so fun.
Morley said well, I think your mother’s been looking for you for a long time, for a very long time. Do you know anything about that? Can you remember anything about that, Casper? I said well, I just love to laugh and I love people, and I know my mama loves people, too. We’re silly ghosts. We love to make people laugh. Morley just nodded, like go on. I said well…I said I think me and my mom are supposed to move away ‘cause it’s so busy here with all the people filming and things. Sometimes my mom…my mama’s eyes aren’t so good ‘cause she can’t tell if I even had my seatbelt in in the car. So, sometimes she gets mixed up and thinks that when…do you know what a blue screen is? My mama doesn’t, but I do. Morley nodded and we started walking towards the stairs to the next attic.
Morley said oh, where is your mom? I said well, sometimes she thinks a green screen ghost…because she could see it in her mind…is me. Then Morley said…gave me the nod to go upstairs. Then I said wait a second, I’m frigging…I said, but didn’t we just figure out the…I was thinking that, but when Morley Safer nods, you go somewhere. Believe me, you do it. So, I started heading up the stairs and I said well, I don’t know if this is the best idea, but here we go. Then I took two steps up the stairs; I heard the mother ghost in the most cheerful…well, I assumed it was the mother. She said oh, Casper, is that you? Something…my inner Derek Bordley, actually, in the back of my mind said you’re not acting like Derek Bordley, Bordley.
I stopped and I turned around to Morley and he looked at me, and he was taking notes, even. He’s already writing a story about this. I said Morley…and he said Casper. I pulled the sheet off me and I said no, it’s Derek, Derek Bordley. I could have sworn Morley was about to crack up, but I think it was ‘cause my knees were covered in dust. He said, aren’t you gonna close the case, Derek? I said well, I got a strange feeling I’m gonna go upstairs and I’m gonna be cradled by a mother ghost. Then she’s gonna put me in a car and make sure…and then I’m gonna tell her the joke. Then that’ll solve the case, but then I’ll be on…stuck in a car with a ghost. I’m not really prepared for that, because I’m Derek Bordley, Morley, and I’m not ready to give up my gum…I didn’t do that ‘cause I was being Derek Bordley.
Morley said well, what are we gonna do, Derek? How are we gonna close the case? I said, I got a case…I gotta close this case right where it started, Morley. He said, tell me where the case started, Derek. I said remember I told that joke to a man who may or may not have been Denny? He was either a weatherman or a…he was the goofy guy at the station, the comic relief. But he had a sidekick made of wood or plastic and he said, it’s not a marionette. He goes, it’s a ventriloquist dummy. He goes, you’re brilliant, Derek. Then I said, and the ghost has been up there for years, so I said we could probably…he said let’s go, let’s hit the road. Then this is…I guess it’s a little bit anticlimactic ‘cause then we drove and we had to go to so many stores before we found a ventriloquist dummy.
I think the station was WSTM5, but I don’t think there was a station WSTM, so…’cause Syracuse…isn’t that west of the Mississippi? KPIX is K and east…that never made sense to me, either. East of the Mississippi, you search with Ws. WSTM; maybe it was WSTM5. But anyway, we finally…we…’cause Florida, there’s Goodwill stores and rescue…a lot of retirees are…so, we finally tracked down a good one and then we brought it back to the Fuller House house set, and we went back up to the attic. Then we went up to the…I headed up the stairs using my Casper voice. Oh mom, are we ready to get in the car? Should I go wait for you in the car? I’ll be sure to fasten my sheet-belt. Morley and I were like, well…and I said, Kimmy’s car. Come on, Morley. Whose car will we have the ghost steal?
Morley said Derek, do you have a crush fear of Kimmy? I said, I did. I don’t anymore, though. I don’t think I’ll be…and I said Derek Morley is…fear is Borely. I said, let’s get this ghost on the road. We put the mannequin ghost in there, in that actress’ car, maybe, and we headed off and the car vanished. The mannequin vanished, and I guess the…I guess all…unfortunately, we ran into Old Man Vandy and he had to quit. Weeks later, he said well, the joy’s gone from that set. I said, the joy is gone from the Fuller House house set? He said yeah, it was those ghosts. I said, ghost. Then he said, ghosts. Then I said, well…I said, is that another case for Bordley and…Morley and Bordley? Borely and Morley…Borely. Borely…Derek Borely, not Derek…I got my name mixed up there ‘cause I was so into the case.
Morley patted my…he said I’m taking you off of decaf, Derek. That was it. I guess we…hopefully everything works out for the Fuller House, that we didn’t ruin or didn’t…we didn’t suck all the joy out of the area for the re-shoots for Ghostbusters remake, Fuller House remake. Probably doesn’t bode well for my fanfiction, Ghost Overboard: Casper 3. Oh, I think Casper 2 was Ghost with the Most. Maybe Casper 4: Professor Casper. That’s a working title. But Ghost Overboard; that takes…I started pitching Morley as we go and got some lunch. Then I realized Derek wouldn’t do that, but I was already mid-pitch telling him about the big scene with Casper. ‘Cause it takes place on a cruise ship, obviously; Ghost Overboard.
I’ll just spoil it for you to wind you down, is that…well, there’s a big action sequence during the Broadway show, ‘cause Casper decides that Casper wants to be in the Broadway show. Also, there’s probably…I’d say I gotta work in another beep line that maybe…I’m thinking jewel thief, probably. Maybe that would be the C plot line. But the one twist is that ghost is actually…well, now I’m thinking maybe there’s a triple ghost, like the jewel thief is trying to get the ghost diamond. There you go; that’s definitely the C plot. There’s a dog named Ghost. That’s who goes overboard, maybe with the diamond in its teeth or around its neck if it’s a diamond necklace. But the…that’s the dog that the little girl that probably had…something…or the…that…pull at the heartstrings.
But ghost is her best friend and can track…knows where Casper is. So, then when Casper’s on the Broadway stage, Ghost goes on the stage. The girl’s family is like, that’s it; that was the last thing with your dog. Then the crew…she’s been hiding the dog the whole time. Ghost, you gotta be like a ghost. Probably a sequence where Casper tries to teach the dog…Morley fell asleep at this point in his soup. Luckily it had gotten cold ‘cause I had been talking so long. Yeah, so Casper teaches Ghost how to be a ghost. But then once…it ends up the woman whose diamond was stolen owns the cruise line, so that’s…that was the movie. Casper 3: Ghost Overboard. Netflix, hey, how about it? I have no rights to any of it and it probably was…that’s probably been a plot about fourteen movies, but…so, that was how Morley and Borely are back on the case.
Then I tried to cradle Morley, but he pushed me…he said no, Derek. Then he rolled his head over into a…I made him a…and then I pushed more saltine crackers…I made him a little saltine cracker and wrapper pillow. Then I left him a message; I just said thanks for another great case, Derek. DB…actually, I think maybe I used to call myself DB. But yeah, that’s another case. Morley and Borely, profess…Morley’s the professional, or…I guess he’s retired. Well, that wasn’t…I mean, obviously that was an awesome case, so that’s not retired. Alright, goodnight.
[END OF RECORDING]
(Transcription by Leah Hervoly)