1126 – Captain Phantasma | Nuns In Space S3 E11
Get your VR headset ready for a soothing virtual retreat off to dreamland with your favorite freestyle sentient soda machine Stan.
- Personal Biome
- Virtual Reality Retreat (VRR)
- Crush-Based Feelings (CBFs)
- Chip & Dale
- Fiddler on the Roof
Notable Talking Points:
- Sleeping on a spiral bound calendar
- Captain Phantasma is very impressive
- Archetypal Crush Stuff
Episode 1126 – Captain Phantasma | Nuns in Space S3 E11
[START OF RECORDING]
SCOOTER: Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s time for the podcaster who would say…it’s time for Sleep With Me. It’s the podcast that’s here to put you to sleep. I normally start off with the greeting there and then I say something silly. I say, what’s the difference…or this is a episode…this is what I kinda sketched out…this is what I prepare ahead of time. What’s the difference…? This is a podcast episode…I was trying to think of a person who can distribute at the touch of a button a thousand different kinds of humanity, along…and then there’s a soda machine who’s highly intelligent, a freestyle soda machine. Also, if you don’t know what a freestyle soda machine is, pretty common; that’s a pretty common question I get. Just Google it. You’ll see a picture.
It’s like a soda fountain, but the soda…instead of having different distributors…you say well, I got the orange, I got the lemon…this one, it all comes out of one thing and you pick it. I don’t know. Just look it up on someplace that has actual answers, because I’m not here for answers. I’m here to kinda…I’m not here to really create questions so much as a light bafflement, ‘cause it’s time for Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep by keeping you company and taking your mind off of stuff. The show exists because you deserve a good night’s sleep, whether this podcast works for you, whether you enjoy the show or you move on, doesn’t change that fact. You deserve a bedtime you could look forward to or at least feel neutral about. That’s one of the reasons I make the show and a lot of people listen.
The other reason is ‘cause we’ve been there in the deep, dark night and we know how it feels. So, I’m glad you’re here. The only advice I could give you is give the show a few tries. That’s what most listeners say. Hundreds and hundreds of thousands of people said oh, I didn’t like you at first. Then on the third try I realized oh, it’s not about liking you; it’s about being lightly baffled. So, it’s time for Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We’re gonna do some support here. That’s how the show comes out free twice a week, then there will be a long, meandering intro, and then a bedtime story. Thanks for coming by and thanks for making it all possible, my patron peeps.
INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. We’re gonna do the rest. What we’re going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake. It could be thoughts, like things on your mind, so thoughts, thoughts about the past, the present, the future, the…just the…my present…presently my thoughts are about the past and the future and the present, but not the present moment, but the soon to be…the upcoming moments. That’s what it is usually when I’m meditating.
That’s what happens; it’s coming soon to you to get done, because it should have been done in the past, but we better get it done in the future. I say, I’m go…I’m trying to meditate before I go to…oh yeah, coming soon, hopefully. So it could be thoughts, it could be feelings, anything coming up for you emotionally related to those thoughts or feelings that are just there, feelings you discovered. That’s another thing that happens to me in bed; I say, what’s that poking me in my…? Oh, is that some sort of part of my forlorn youth there? Oh, oh, what’s that in my bed? Oh, is that some…it’s tangible regret. Oh no, it’s tangerine peels. I regret leaving those there in my bed and letting them dry out to where they become sharp. Oh no, that was just a sharp…did I just twinge?
Did I just twinge something or was that a twinge of…? Oh no, twigs. Those are twigs; sorry. Sorry, just doing a little free association. Feelings and objects in my bed. It’ll be in a book I’ll never put out; Feelings and Objects in My Bed: An Attempt at…Another Attempt at Prose, or Not Prose. Keep the pro…here’s another thing; keep that prose out of my bed. Holy cow. Odes? Maybe. But probably before…you know, I’ll do the odes before. How about that? I’ll save the odes, save them for later or before. What do they call that part? That’s a warm…get the…you know, you gotta start with the odes. Okay, where was I? Oh, thoughts, feelings, anything physically coming up for you, any changes in your time, your temperature, your routine, weather, travel, guests, something coming up on the calendar.
Don’t sleep on it…there’s another one; don’t sleep on a calendar, for sure, especially…well, you…I’ve probably taken a nap on my…the calendar that’s the size of a piece of blotter. What do you call those? The big rectangular ones. Those are the kind of calendars I really…every…I skip years but then I get them and I like them. I don’t consistently use them, but those really help me think stuff out as far as podcast planning goes. But whatever’s keeping you awake, I’ll try to take your mind off of it. You could just throw the calendar at your bedside and then…but you could…I mean, I could sleep on a calendar, or that kind. Not a…none of those calendars with that spiral stuff, ‘cause that’ll…I could probably still sleep on those, but then I’d have to…they say, what’s that mark on your side?
Looks like a…did you sleep on a three-subject notebook? Nope, just a single-subject notebook, actually. No, it was just a calendar. Then they’d say, what calendar did you sleep on? Then they’d say never mind, I don’t want to know why you had a…and I say no, no, it was nothing…it was…I don’t know what you’re imagining. It was…this is a joke from a movie, but I say it’s a…it’s Chip and Dale’s calendar. No, Chip and Dale’s calendar from their new movie that I saw. Yeah. It’s a Chip and Dale calendar. Really? No, not…what are you talking about? Yeah, I’m surprised I came…I’m surprised it had the spiral thing, whatever, too. Yeah, not ex…not great for sleeping on. Oh, I fell asleep reading it. It had a…it was prose from Chip and Dale.
It had a lot of their backstory, like in the…it had different pilots they were in that weren’t in the movie, so I wanted to read the plot summaries. There was a bedtime story and a…but a calendar. Oh, but if you’re trying…whatever’s keeping you awake, I’m here to take your mind off of it and keep you company so that you could fall asleep. I’m here to be your bore-friend, your bore-bae, your bore-sib, your bore-bud, your bore-bestie, your bore-bor, your neigh-bore, your friend in the deep, dark night, really to keep you company and not so much to put you to sleep, to be here to talk to you, but you don’t have to listen to me. What I’ll do is I’ll send my voice across the deep, dark night.
I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, and superfluous tangents, which means I’ll go off-topic, I’ll get mixed up, I’ll do some self-disclosure which is kinda silly, and you say, is that even true? I don’t think there is a Chip and Dale’s calendar related to that new film. It wasn’t out at the turn of the year. I’d say, you got me. I was sleeping on an imaginary Chip and Dale calendar. So, it was just a point…it was just to make a point about sleeping on whatever those…spiral-bound calendar. I couldn’t think of that word. Oh, here’s another one; don’t sleep…no spiral…definitely no spiral galaxies in bed, for sure. I mean, no galaxies…I’m sure there’s some sort of galaxy, the beings…they’d say, we’re a galaxy. I say, great.
I don’t need to know about my…no information about my micro-biome or my macro-biome, too. I don’t need to know about my personal biome pretty much ever. I’ll treat…let’s just consider ourselves in coexistence, but here’s a thing; I’m making this public decralation; dec…I’m publicly declaring whatever I just said. Peace…we’ll work together, but let’s just not…let’s be…can I be blissfully unaware in a respectful way? Is that possible? Or I guess I’m not unaware, but I’m not really looking into it. If I got…whatever. If I got a biome…if I’m my own riparian area or the equivalent, that’s fine. But I don’t need the details. I’m sure a tree doesn’t say hey, give me the details about the squirrels’ life cycle. The tree would say no, I observe gently. It’s one of the highlights of my existence. Well great, ‘cause you’re a tree.
You’re much wiser than me. I’m just a sleep podcaster trying to introduce a sleep podcast, and I’ve gone so far off topic. But really, I’m here because you deserve a good night’s sleep. If you’re new, we’ve gone far afield. I’m not trying to disrespect any trees or my personal mic…whatever. I don’t even know if it’s a biome or micro or macro. I’ll tell you what; if I get a macro-biome, though, that would…I think that would mean it would be visual. Let me know about it though, gently. Just say hey Drew, I noticed your micro went macro at some point and…put it simply, not a good look. I say okay, great. Thanks. Don’t know what this has to do…I don’t know how this is helpful for a sleep podcast other than to show examples of me go…oh, you deserve a good night’s sleep.
So whatever’s keeping you awake…all that was imaginary, by the way, so…I mean, not really. I mean, the…’cause I don’t really want to look into it anymore. I just prefer to sleep on a Chip and Dale’s…you say hey, how about that? We enjoy a Chip and Dale calendar together, or if you like Alvin and the Chipmunks, maybe you like Smurfs. I don’t know. Let me…don’t let me know. I’ll make an assume…an assumption out of my micro-biome and me. But we’ll find…I’ll eventually find something you appreciate, but don’t let…don’t tell me. I guess that doesn’t work. You’re right. No wonder I was unable to come to terms with my personal…My Personal Biome; is that a Wim Wenders film? Oh boy, he’s throwing them out there. Where is…where does this stuff even come from?
I’m telling you, I’m laughing because it doesn’t come from me. I don’t know who’s throwing these ideas in my head, but that could be; My Own Personal Biome, Wim Wenders. Okay, so…oh, you deserve a good night’s sleep. That’s really the most important part of the podcast that I keep going off topic about, is…the reason I make the show is ‘cause I’ve been there, mind racing, thoughts, feelings, trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep. That I have trouble with, that stuff. Not only have I been there; a lot of other listeners have been there, and while we might not know exactly what you’re going through, someone out there can relate to how it feels. That’s why I call it the deep, dark night. I might not even have the same feelings you have.
But if you’re frustrated at bedtime or you wish things were a little bit smoother or you wish you had a friend to keep you company, that’s the purpose of the show. The spirit of the show is that you deserve to get some rest, a bedtime you could at least feel neutral about and get the sleep you need so your life is more manageable. That means our world is a better place to be in, and I want your world to be a better place to be in. So…and I say that…if my micro-biome’s listening, I mean that. I think; don’t get carried away, though, because the…we’re supposed to be in balance. I know…I realize we’re not in sync. What if we listen to N’SYNC together? Would that sync us up? Then we could just be synced by the music and then we don’t have to discuss things. I don’t have to learn any more.
I don’t have to learn that I’ve been misusing these words. I’m just gonna assume I have been and that people with vocabularies are just chuckling along, or they’re saying well, I guess I gotta listen to a different episode. Spent my entire…I just delivered my dissertation on this subject, and Scooter, he reinvented it in a fictional way. He reinvented the meaning of those words in a way that’s entirely fictional. So, you deserve a good night’s sleep. What else do you need to know about this podcast? It doesn’t really put you to sleep. As I said, it’s here to keep you company like a friend you call or is nearby who’s just there to talk to you and take your mind off of stuff. The podcast also is…doesn’t necessarily need to be listened to.
You can listen, and if you can’t sleep, I’m here to the very end, or if you need a break during the day, I’m here to the very end of the show, but you don’t have to listen to me. No pressure to fall asleep, no pressure to listen. The show is structured in a very different way and…for very specific reasons. That can throw people off. It starts off with a greeting; friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, so you feel seen and welcome. I may say something silly so you say okay, this show, the tone is…the tone of the show is a little bit different and silly. Then there’s support for the show so the podcast can come out for free twice a week on the regular. That’s thanks to everybody that supports the show in different ways, and I appreciate that and I know it helps a lot of people and enables people to listen to eight episodes a night.
So, that’s the support for the podcast, then there’s support for listeners having a tough time, then there’s support for communities around the show. Then there’s the intro, which is…goes on and on and on, and most people say how come the intro’s not four minutes long or two minutes long? I say, great question. The intro is meant to ease you into bedtime. You could skip it; 2% or 3% of people do. You could listen to story-only episodes on Patreon or by subscription. Some people do that, but most people, the intro is part of their wind down routine. It’s a transition from being awake to going off to dreamland. So, the intro is a part of that whether you’re listening in bed getting comfortable or getting ready for bed or doing some sort of other chill activity. The intro is part of that middle stage. Then…what else did I forget?
Oh, then there’s the…then there’s support for the show again so it can be free twice a week, then there’s our…tonight will be our episodically modular series, Nuns in Space. So that’ll be fun. It’s a bedtime story, takes place in space, it’s got a sentient freestyle soda machine, a strange, goofy narrator, and the nuns from my childhood. What could be more sleepy than that? Then there’s some thank-yous at the end. So that’s the structure of the show, that’s why I make the show. Give the podcast a few tries. See how it goes. I really appreciate you coming by. I really appreciate you checking the podcast out, and I really hope I can help you fall asleep. Thanks again for coming by, and here’s a couple ways I’m able to do this for you twice a week for free.
Alright, hey everybody, this is Scoots and this is our episodically modular series, Nuns in Space. This is a…what do I need to tell you about this? Nuns in Space is episodically modular, meaning you can listen to it in any order, and it has just a very minimum amount of…what is that? Seriality. It’s modular, which also means you can move it around. Like, you could listen to Episode…you know, I wouldn’t…I mean, I would advise it; listen to Episode 4, then 2, then 7, then 6, then 11, then whatever. I don’t know the rest of the numbers. But you could move them around because not only is it meant to put you to sleep, but it’s kind of…each episode is fairly self-contained, so self-contained, actually, as part of the story. We have two main locations and two main characters, maybe a third set of characters.
You have Stan, the sentient soda machine, formerly my commander, I think still my best friend, side…I’m his…Stan’s sidekick, or have been since Season 2. So you have Stan, the soda machine, part…he’s got…Stan has nano…now has nanobots so Stan can move around. Then you have Scooter, the only enlisted officer on a spaceship with the nuns from his childhood. They are on a mission, but they don’t really know where they’re going, or they’re not disclosing it. But they just seem to be going, going, going, and Scooter’s the only enlisted person on his…or the only crew member on the ship. Everyone seems to be caught in a loop. Scooter has a general sense that this is happening. So what happens each episode is Scooter wakes up from a dream and knows Stan needs him.
Stan is somewhere and Scooter has to get to Stan, normally by solving some sort of problem on the ship that the nuns are not happy about. When Scooter solves that problem, it somehow creates a way for him to get to Stan via, I don’t know, portal or…I don’t know. I have no idea, but that’s what happens. Stan, meanwhile, has gained some sort of demigod-like powers, and Stan’s memory is not really…Stan’s not retaining barely any memory. Like, he’s…short-term memory loss where Stan starts each episode in a unfamiliar location where there’s something going on that needs Stan’s help, normally a sense of general malaise or people say hey, I don’t know what I’m gonna do about this, or…you know, something and they need Stan’s help. Stan’s trying to solve it, but Stan realizes like a lot of us do, can’t do it alone.
Where’s my best friend? I thought…wouldn’t he be here to help me? Then Scooter comes and then normally Stan solves the problem anyway, but Scooter just happens to ask enough questions or just be confused enough by the right thing that Stan can see…he says oh, I didn’t think that would be so confusing, so now looking at it again, I see the answer. It’s one…I didn’t realize that one plus one by itself, you wouldn’t realize that you would say two, Scooter. So, I didn’t actually look at it from that angle. So then they solve it somewhat together.
Now, there must be something else going on, and I think because I have a close relationship with Scooter that there is…each episode there has been some sort of concentration of delusion, but we don’t know if that’s the cause or…the cause of the situation or just the cause of each problem Stan’s addressing, and delusion, as we all know, is something that’s not easy to just…usually when you’re pointing your finger at delusion, you’re pointing your finger at somebody else, ‘cause you don’t know. So, that’s…I think that’s everything, except for a introduction from our Hollywood announcer, Mr. Antonio Banderas. The ladies, the gentlemen, the boys, the girls, the friends beyond the binary, it’s time to get spacey with Nuns in Space. Whoosh.
Hey, Antonio, I’ve never asked you; I would assume you don’t drink a lot of soda, and I don’t want to ask you your favorite soda ‘cause I don’t want to put you on the spot, but would you ever want to just go to a freestyle soda machine? You could just pick some random stuff and drink it. Scooter, I think I would like that. Could I call the soda machine Stan? You could, or you could…we could just say we’re soda…freestyle soda machine Stans, as a inside joke that’s also true, or you’re…you could become one. I don’t understand, but I’m glad to be here to put your listeners to sleep. Thanks.
By the way, Antonio, you can’t have anything to drink again ‘til I’m done recording. But also, try not to think about the fact you’re thirsty, ‘cause then sometimes I’ve heard your mouth making that noise you…when your mouth is thirsty. So, maybe I need to chart things out a little, do some planning to figure this out a little bit better. You could…why…well, what if I…I’m gonna pause the recorder. You take a drink and then obviously then you gotta let that drink circulate for the next hour and fifteen minutes. Sounds great. No ice, though. Definitely no ice. No ice. Nuns in Space. That’s Antonio Banderas and this is Nuns in Space. Thanks, everybody.
Huh, that’s weird. I’m waking up from a nap. Oh wait, no, I was asleep. Huh, what woke me up? It’s like I didn’t have any dreams. Usually…okay, something’s off. Let me just assess things here. Normally I have a dream about Stan. I’ve been keeping track; every single day that’s passed, I’ve woken up from a dream from…about Stan, who…needing my assistance, and then had to deal with some sort of sit…oh, wait a second. I know a normal human being can’t tell if you’re moving through space or not because of the vacuum of outer space, but there’s something about me that I can tell, that we’re…the ship isn’t moving. We’re in space but we’re not in…I mean, we’re not being propelled by the engines. I guess we may be in motion, but I don’t even know. But I mean, that gets too technical. Is there friction in space?
There has to be some amount of friction, I would assume, but they always say…I say there’s…if there’s space dust, then there’s friction. The Sisters say don’t…that’s above…you don’t need to worry about that. I say, so…but you…then I say well, Sisters, how come then you…sometimes when you send me out to dust off the space dust off the ship…okay, but let me go over things, because I don’t want to find myself in the same position I know Stan’s been in. Something’s been happening with my…with the ship, myself, the Sisters, the nuns from my childhood, and my best friend, my leader, Stan. Here’s what I know for sure, like I kinda already stated…pen pal, I hope you’re listening to me, but talking to you always helps.
So, normally I would have a dream about Stan, I would get an idea that he needed help, then the Sisters would interrupt me. They would not be happy with me because something would be going on with the ship that I would need to fix. Then I would need to go fix that thing with the ship, but by fixing it or the situation, I would find my way to Stan. Also, Stan has some sort of cosmic or deity-like powers, and this has something to do with all of the…the delusion, because last time Stan had almost become…I sensed…his own gravitational force pulling in other ships and other planetoids. We were trying to place…so most of the time, what happened before didn’t really matter. Everything reset, so I wonder if this is gonna be another reset.
Or I don’t know if I’m supposed…what I’m…but I guess I should figure out…maybe the thing…maybe I did…maybe I had a dream. I just don’t remember it. But I’ve got to find…I guess I’ll go up to…oh, okay, headed up to the…that’s weird. Okay, there’s…the door to the cockpit is closed and there’s a note here from the Sisters. Luckily there’s a porthole. I can see the Sisters on…in there, and they’re wearing VR headsets. Okay…oh, Scooter, please do not disturb us. Yes, you see us; we’re in our virtual retreat headsets. We are on a virtual retreat. That’s why the ship is…it doesn’t make any sense ‘cause the ship was perpetually moving. That was one of the weird things. The Sisters didn’t know where they were going. I thought we were just traveling. Okay, but anyway, back to the note.
Something virtual…so, they’re on retreat, a virtual retreat. I guess…wouldn’t it be a virtual reality retreat or virtual retreat reality? I don’t know. But they…so they have…don’t interrupt them. I definitely won't because I want to be respectful if they’re on a retreat. I think that’s probably smart even if they’re just playing a game. But I won't even go in there, as I’m tempted to do, and wave myself in front of them or see, because I can see they seem very focused. Huh. Okay, it goes on…there’s not much to do right now since we’re on retreat. Why don’t you take a break? Most of the entertainment systems are offline ‘cause we’re on retreat. Oh, there is…we do believe there’s some old video game consoles onboard in deep storage. Oh, why is it the first I’m hearing about this? Luckily the ship’s not that big. Okay, here’s the deep storage closet. Just another closet, but it’s a closet definitely full of junk.
A couple boxes in here, party hats, party habits…boy, do I know that habit. Let’s see, it must be in the far…oh, consoles. Oh, right next to it’s a TV, ‘cause I gotta use composite cables? Oh boy. Oh boy, there’s a Sega Dreamcast. Oh, and there’s games. Oh, I always…is this…Shamnui or something. I always wanted to play this game. Holy…this is cool. Wow, this is gonna be great. So I’m finally gonna get to play a game, maybe, that…wow. This is exciting times. Whoa, whoa, whoa. So, okay, let me set this thing up. Hey pen pal, I don’t think I’m gonna need to record this. I’m gonna play while they got crazy…maybe I should start with Crazy Taxi. NBA…this is like the NBA2K, when it was around 2K. This is when…why I used to like to play with the…I could be Allen Iverson. So, this is…wow, I’m really…I really hit the jackpot here. The sisters are busy and I have a…if there’s no conflict, I guess we are on break, or I’m supposed to play this video game because that’s what the nuns kinda left…so…or…so either I get to play these video games or I’m gonna find my way to Stan as soon as I start playing. Okay, pen pal, I’m gonna stop recording.
Hey pen pal, it’s me, Stan. I’m recording and hopefully you could get this message to Scooter because I’ve…I don’t know if…I think…I don’t think I was…I should always be recording, but I was using some strong language, pen pal, because I’m very frustrated with Scooter, because I’ve been ask…I’ve been calling Scooter for help. I don’t know where Scooter is. No one’s heard…they said, is that the person that should be dusting the ship? I said, you don’t know Scooter? He’s my…but I found myself at the center of a ship. I seem to be a leader of a huge population that’s been growing, though it’s kind of leveled out. Most people aren’t happy, pen pal, because apparently all the people that were willing to…I placed…all the people are either helping people travel to something…Pamper Zones or they’re traveling to their Pamper Zones.
But everybody that’s left, I guess there was…a lot of people were in stasis or some sort of deep sleep, and they came out of the deep sleep and they want…they’re asking me why…and I don’t have a answer, but they’re very, very grouchy, pen pal, and they’re starting to figure out…oh, well, we don’t get along with you. Oh, remember this, four thousand billion years ago? Oh, you know, whatever. So, it’s not pleasant. So, I need Scooter’s help because I don’t even know what to do. Apparently from what I can recount or put together from people’s recounting, I don’t have…this thing, pen pal, is I don’t remember anything before yesterday. Or when I say yesterday, pen pal, it’s…time’s moving at a different pace, so it probably could mean any amount of time. So just take it as a figurative yesterday.
But everybody is grouchy, holy cow, and you know what happens when they’re grouchy. I always take it as just reach out to your friends, because your friends will help. But that’s not working. It’s not working at all, and it’s really…it’s letting me down. I mean, Scooter’s really letting me down, and that’s the one thing I’m like well, what…where’s my friend Scooter? Of course he’s not here. He’s not here to help me and I wish he was, but he’s not, and I will say Scooter, I’m not…if you can hear me, Scooter, I’m not happy with you, and it’d be great if every time I say that, you appear, because there’s…they…some people are telling me I have to go back to being a strong-arm and keeping people from doing things. I’m run…while I’m talking, pen pal, I’ve got…my algorithms and the power of my algorithms has never been…oh, wait; something’s kind of appearing in my data…it’s the sisters.
Hello, Sisters. Is Scooter with you? Oh, he’s busy. Well, it’s good to see you, Sisters. It’s been a while. I feel like you’re virtually here. You’re not really here, huh? Oh, but you have an ability to transfer digital files. Well, why would you do that? Where’s Scooter? Oh, he’s on your ship. Well, why isn’t he with you? Oh, I know you said he’s busy. What’s he busy doing? Saving…is he busy trying to get here to help me? He’s playing Sega Dreamcast? Does he realize that those things…I think that could…those…what…oh, he’s playing games on a…well, that makes sense for him, but do you know if he’s gotten my messages that I…? Oh, he’s aware I probably am in need of help. Oh, you do have a live feed of him. Could I communicate with him? Oh, he wouldn’t be able to hear me.
Oh, because he has the volume turned up so loud. Oh wow, he’s really into that game. Is he playing Crazy Taxi? That’s one of those repetitive games that doesn’t seem to do…oh, boy. Sisters, he knows that I…he’s caught up in the game. I can see that. Thank you, Sisters. Oh, you’re here to help me. What do you mean? Oh, you could see that I’m a little down and I could use some guidance. Yeah, Sisters, I’d have trouble taking guidance from you because of all your history with Scooter and his penmanship and his neatness. I can’t imagine getting…I mean, you know, I’m a digital being, but I can’t imagine getting graded for neatness and penmanship and basing my esteem on that. So that just means that I’d have trouble…because I say well, if you judge by penmanship, okay, you’re not…oh, so you’re only here to help me, but not help me directly.
Oh, okay. I think I could…what do you mean? Oh, you have some stuff you discovered. Oh, okay, that you thought I might like. Oh, and Scooter…okay. Well, I’d like it if he gave it to me. But if you tell me about it, maybe I could tell. Okay, you can down…yeah, just tell me about it first before I allow the download. Okay, so it’s Captain Fantasma, comic books? Okay. Let me take a…okay, wow. Oh, action figures…oh, but I…there’s video…okay, there’s…well, I don’t know if I’ll play the games ‘cause I don’t want to end up like Scooter either and just forget my friend’s alone and needs friends and help and maybe a sidekick, and then the nuns are the only ones willing to help and you can’t…you’re not sure if you should…so, I don’t need the video games. Okay, so you got comic books, novellas…oh, a…novels.
Oh, wow. Whose…oh wow, Captain Fantasma is one shiny captain. Is that a plat…is that its platinum space armor? Wow. She is shiny. Tell me a little bit of summary. Oh, she’s a heroine. Okay. Oh, you all look up to her. Okay, she’s trap…okay, so she’s a fic…is this a histor…? Oh no, it’s fiction. Okay. Oh, Scooter told you about…okay, well, so what is…what does Captain…? Oh, she travels the galaxy. Okay. She’s trying to unite the Three Florences. I think I heard Scooter talking about the Three Florences before. There’s Florence the Machine, Florence the Supreme, and Florence and the Hendersons or something. Okay, that made you giggle, Sisters. That’s just like Scooter. Wow. I really like looking at…she’s wearing a cape, too. She is impressive in this comic book, wow. Oh, she helps people that are delusional.
She shatters delusion, but that’s more figure…oh, it’s fiction, yeah. I guess it’s figuratively. Okay, so you gotta get back to the ship and you’ll keep trying to remind Scooter that I’m here waiting for him. Yeah, just try…I mean, if you could interrupt him, I know that that’s asking a lot, but I’m not…I guess I’m not able to interrupt him myself. I don’t even know where he is. Why isn’t he here with me? Oh, ‘cause he could play the game on your ship. Well Sisters, listen, I’m in a pickle here. I got a lot going on. Oh, so maybe Captain Fantasma will…okay, I’m gonna start reading the comics and the novellas and then work my way towards the novels. Thanks, Sisters. Maybe I could just take some time…wow, she is fantastic, this Captain Fantasma. Wow. You know, I think I’m…my soda coils are warming up.
I really am feeling…I wish Scooter was here. I think I’m developing a crush on Captain Fantasma. Like, I really would like to…I don’t know, be…I think…Scooter was telling me about crushes, and this feels really good. I’m seeing that she’s living by these principles of action and doing things, and she’s also shiny, and when I…when she shines, she makes me feel warm. Oh, boy. But…and makes me feel good, but also inspires me. So maybe the…oh, the nuns are actually helpful indirectly, like they said. I feel like I would be okay if I was with Captain Fantasma, and that to be with…I realize it’s fictional, pen pal, but it feels good. I want to behave in a way that would make Captain Fantasma probably like me, which means fixing these problems, just like she is. Oh boy, this one…this is kinda like…I’m remembering stuff like this.
Story Swamp…Captain Fantasma journeys into the Story Swamp to find…okay, so…wow, this is definitely a crush, though. I have a crush on Captain Fantasma. I’m almost…feel like getting swept away with it, but…and I’d get carried away, but if I didn’t see Scooter get carried away with his video game and know that if I did that, I would leave all the people that are depending on me to go through it alone like Scooter did for me. In case you’re hearing this, Scooter, that’s how I’m feeling. But of course, I wouldn’t put strangers in that position, nonetheless my best friend. So as tempting as these crush feelings are to just think about all the time…also, I have ability…I guess I’ve dedicated only one small processor processing my crush, so that kind of…it’s a low-level sensation of going to be okay, even though it’s…I mean, maybe Captain Fantasma is real, in some sense.
Maybe just let me put that in a processor. But now I’m thinking about it, and I’m thinking that if I could start to chart out everywhere we are…and I know we had some of those algorithms with whatever that was with the perfect placement or the…whatever it was, soothing zones, pampering…that people were talking about. I have a lot of information and I have all the things on the…all the other…okay, so I’m able to chart this out, and I know Scooter used to sing that song, matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match. Then he sung it from a couple…there was other versions in other movies that…what if every…what if I could help everyone here develop a crush on someone here? That would make everybody…but someone that is aspirational. Oh boy.
Now that I’m…’cause my crush, I want to aspire to be something better so that the light off of Fantasma’s armor reflects…I reflect in it well. If I could just start to do that…but if…okay, it’s starting to work. Okay, now I just have to kind of reassign people so they cross paths or work together, or opt…okay, some people could opt in. Okay, yeah, I’m starting to…I can’t believe all the connections I’m able to make. It’s like my powers are…never been stronger. Okay, so I’m seeing all that, all those options, and this is going very, very well. Wow, we’re really…I’ve got some…I’ve got a…okay, I’ve got something to chart, and it seems like people are doing a little bit better.
Pen pal, also while I’m recording this, I’m not record…the real-time deal on what’s happening here is not…I don’t know if we’re…it’ll sound like minutes to you, but it’s been longer, too long to not hear from your best friend. It’s actually going almost too easy. People are really getting into these crushes. Doesn’t seem to…oh, the sisters are back. Hello, Sisters. How are you? Oh, everything’s going well with Captain Fantasma. Thanks for introducing me. I’ve really…really inspired me to solve some problems. Oh, you’re glad? Yeah, I’m glad too, Sisters. I’m really happy about it. I’m feeling a little funny, though. Oh, what was I do…? Sisters, I don’t want to get into my planning with you, but…oh, what did I like about Captain…?
I mean, that Captain Fantasma’s shiny, the flowing cape, but that she was…she’s inspiring, that she was going through the universe and solving problems. Oh, delusion; I guess delusion’s only a figurative term though, right? Oh, no. I mean, I know the delusion’s a real thing. The sisters…you mean the cloud of delusion? Oh, she’s…she was dealing with delusion scattered across the universe. Yeah. Oh, do I have a way to track delusion? I mean, I could track delusion. Why would I want to? Oh, just like…it would have been helpful for Captain Fantasma. You’re right. I mean, I…oh wait a second, I guess I am…huh. One of my sub-processors…I don’t know, it’s already doing that. That’s strange. It’s charting the…this is a high concentration of delusion. Huh, that was weird that it just started.
I guess I was inspired by Captain Fantasma again. Anyway Sisters, any chance of Scooter coming and hanging out with me? I mean, not that it’s as pressing ‘cause now I’m really busy. I’m matchmaking, kind of. Not exactly. No, I wouldn’t say it’s manipulative. It’s strange, though; when I’m charting the delusion, I think there’s a high concentration of delusion here. Really…let me run some historical testing. I can’t remember anything, but I do have a lot of historical data here combined with all the knowledge on all the other ships. Huh, it seems like there’s an unprecedented amount of delusion. Maybe that’s why things are going so well, huh? I guess that is why; it…oh, wait, now another sub-processor's doing something. Okay, it’s physically charting…oh, huh. Oh, what is it, Sisters?
You seem to be looking at the same data through your headsets. How is that possible? Oh, go ahead. You’re just observing. Doesn’t feel like it. Well, it turns out, there is…huh, I guess I’m kind of remembering. Sisters, were we chase…did we scatter the delusion across all the universe at some point? Oh, you shrugged your shoulders. ‘Cause it seems most of the delusion in the known universe…if the quantities…as long…I mean, I checked my decimals, but some sort of sub-processing is also happening. It’s physically here in the planetoids, in some of the halls of the ship, as these minerals. Okay. Oh boy, what’s that third processor’s…doing? Oh, no. Well, this can’t be right, Sisters. Well, what’s happening? I don’t know.
The defensive capabilities of all the ships and some of the more smelters and industrial…we’ve got a lot of industrial ships, you know, to keep things moving and producing. There’s a sub-process going on. I can’t stop it. I’m trying to pause it. Sisters, I’ve lost control of my sub-process…oh dear, Sisters. Did you insert some sort of algorithm in me and…I’ve lost control. I had a crush where I lost a little control, but this is different. Oh, you’re not in control; the algorithm’s in control. Oh, so you can’t stop, ‘cause…so you can’t stop it. It’s a process that is not stoppable? Well, you’re right; I don’t seem to be able to control my sub-processing, and what it’s doing is it’s gonna start breaking down all the delusion.
Well, I guess that’s not necessarily a bad…Sisters, it was fiction, but I’ve read all the…I mean, it really led to…I guess Captain Fantasma’s…oh boy, oh boy. I just finished all the books. Captain Fantasma wanted to live in a world without delusion. But I’ve downloaded some of the criticisms of the Captain Fantasma series, and they say…oh boy, I don’t know, Sisters. I really need to get ahold of Scooter. I’m gonna cut off my connection with you, Sisters. Wait a second, I’ve been fooled. Scooter…hello, Scooter. Okay, he’s not there. So, the sisters are gonna have me destroy all the delusion in the known universe, and everybody’s got these crushes, so that’s going well. Some of the delusion’s starting to be broken down into its base elements. I don’t…well, that one just dissipated.
It’s a slow…oh, I can slow it down a little, but I’m sure the algorithm’s gonna pick it back up. I need to get to my best friend, Scooter. Scooter, can you hear me? Scooter…okay, what if I…wait a second, the sisters were coming to me from the ship. I still have that connection. Maybe I could get into the ship and maybe go through the whole…oh, yeah, so I could go through the electricity in the ship. I’ll get into the game. Scooter’s still playing Crazy Taxi. Maybe I can get in there and get him there. Oh boy, Scooter, man, I…holy cow, I’ve been playing…I think I’ve been playing Crazy Taxi for like, four or five days straight, in and out of sleep. I’m still stuck. I can’t get through this downtown stuff. I need to know what’s on the other side, and also on the other side of that coast. I just gotta build up enough speed.
Wait a second, who’s…? That looks like Stan. I might as well pick him up. Hey Stan, where are you going? Okay, skyscraper…oh yeah, you can only say where you’re going. Everything else is just mumbles. I wonder how Stan got in this game. Okay, 100 Skyscraper Lane. Okay, I’m gonna get you there as fast as I can, Stan. Yeah, I’ve been playing Crazy Taxi for a long time. Jeez, Stan, you’re showing me some bit mojis, some bit emotions. You seem really to have some strong feelings about something. Yeah, I understand you’re not happy. That’s clear to me. Yeah, I’d like to help you more. Okay, let me get you to Crazy…oh, wait a second. Okay…oh, oh, oh, we’re almost there. I made it under the…oh, oh, hey Stan, I’m here with you. Scooter, where you been? I guess I was…well, how did I even get here?
Scooter, we came out of Crazy Taxi together. Once you delivered me to my location, you were…you’re physically here though, Scooter. Yeah, Stan, that’s a bit strange. Why don’t you let me…oh, wait a second. Okay, wait a second; I’m hearing…okay, I have a general idea what’s going on, Stan. I’m getting all your…that’s weird; I’m getting your pen pal stuff right into my brain. So, okay, we’re in a bit of a situation, it seems like. Scooter, it’s so good to see you, but I’m having…Scooter, I’m very unhappy with you. Yeah, I know that, Stan. I definitely am here, first off, to apologize. I got swept up playing video games and lost track of time, and because of that I was…though the only way we found each other is by me playing the video game, Crazy…I also…I tried the other game. I got too frustrated.
But yeah, so, I am sorry that I wasn’t available for you and that I was caught up in video games, and it was wrong of me to do that, and I apologize. Is there any way I can make it up to you? Scooter, by you apologizing, mostly that helps. But yeah, we’re in trouble, Scooter. Well, I don’t know if we’re in trouble, Scooter. Okay, well, tell me. Okay, I guess I know what’s happening ‘cause you were telling me, and I guess I was…my brain was list…part of me was listening. So let me just see if I understand what’s happening. Congratulations on your second crush, your first fictional crush, though. Scooter, I know. It feels so good. I understand you got…you had feelings in some of your coils, warming. Scooter, I did. Okay, and then you were also having trouble with some of the…this universe that’s kind of surrounding you.
Scooter, it’s a collect…yeah, it’s a collective of people following me through…I’m pulling them through space somehow. Okay, and the fact of the matter is that they…by pulling you through space, you…they’re…nobody’s happy. Then you started using the idea of matching people with their crushes to make people act a little bit better and more mature. Scooter, that’s correct. That is what was happening. Okay, and that seems like a pretty…I mean, workable idea. Scooter, it seems like it was working, kind of. Okay, and then what happened…so you developed this crush with Captain Fantasma, but that was really…the nuns were using that to download some sort of algorithm into you. Scooter, yeah. I think what they did was…the algorithm was in the novels.
So first the comic books and the novellas didn’t have any malware or anything. Then by the time I got to the novels, it was deep in the later parts of the novel. Okay, and you downloaded some sort of algorithm that turned on some sub-processors. Scooter, the sub-process…I just dedicated the sub-processors. Okay, and the sub-processors started charting the delusion, physically mapping the delusion, and now moving to dispose of the delusion. Scooter, you’re correct on that. Okay, and the nuns were behind this, so we can only…well Scooter, I can assume…yeah, the nuns want to get rid of all delusion. That’s also what Captain Fantasma was trying to do in the universe. Though now I’m wondering…Scooter, I think my feelings about Captain Fantasma may have changed. Okay, what do you mean?
Now I’m saying well, I don’t know if I agree with Captain…getting rid of all the delusion in the universe. I wonder what my best friend Scooter would say. Okay, so…huh, so your crush has changed. Scooter, what do you mean? Well, I’m not sure…there’s a difference between…I think there’s a difference being being attracted to someone and having a crush on someone. Scooter, I think I’m feeling what you’re saying. Scooter, are you saying I’m attracted to Captain Fantasma? I mean, she’s a fictional character, but…a crush is kind of like you get swept away in it. You start to imagine every…like it’s gonna change everything. You can go back and forth between the two. It’s not one or the other. But it’s definitely fictional, even when your crush isn’t fic…with a fictional character. Oh Scooter, that’s what I was encouraging.
I was matchmaking, but not for dating; for crushes so people would behave better. Yeah, and that seemed to work, but the thing that’s missing is you can’t have crushes without delusion, and without delusion you can’t have crushes. Scooter, I think you just said the same thing twice. I did, so why don’t you…where is the delusion? Scooter, it’s starting on the outside of the…where it’s thinnest. Okay, and the delusion’s being eliminated out there. Scooter, it is. Do you have any idea of the happiness or the functionality of crushes on the edge where the delusion’s being de-elemented or whatever? Scooter, I do; it’s…Scooter, I invented something called a Crushometer. I thought you would like that; a Crushometer. Stan, I do like that. That’s very witty. Scooter, thank you. I thought you would like it.
So, your Crushometer is showing what? As the delusion goes down, people’s happiness is going down and the delusion’s going down, Scooter. Right, Stan. So, without crushes, without…so, can you see what I’m saying? Scooter, I’m not sure I’m…I mean, there’s nothing new, but I’m not sure I’m following you. Okay, so with…we all need a little bit of delusion in our lives, Stan. If what you were…what you…I think what you’re saying is true. This is the majority of the delusion in the entire known galaxy. On our adventures, the cloud of delusion, the delusion we spread across the universe that we’ve been searching for, it’s all here somehow. I don’t understand it. That’s beyond my understanding. You may not remember this, but you have some sort of powers. You’re a central figure in all this.
There’s some sort of portaling and resetting going on and confusion within the delusion. The nuns want to get rid of the delusion, which kinda makes sense, but I don’t know if they know the cost of getting…if we get rid of all the…you can’t just get rid of everything in the universe of any one thing. Scooter, what about frowny faces? Well, then how would you know someone’s feeling frowny if they don’t have a frowny face? Well, they wouldn’t feel…oh, I guess you’re…I understand what you’re saying, Scooter. Unintended consequences. Right. So, I think we…at least until we know that…I mean, if we heard it from…nine out of ten scientists say get rid of all delusion, and the philosophers and anthropologists and biologists and microbiologists and managers of particle colliders, famous people, if all those people said get rid of the delusion, yeah, it may change my mind.
So, I’m just wondering…Scooter, I can’t control the algorithms. I can’t do it. Okay, so I want you to just kinda feel the algorithms, Stan. Okay, Scooter, I’m feeling them. They’re in my sub-processing, but I’m bringing my awareness to my sub-processors. Okay, and they’re kinda humming along, doing their thing, right? Right, Scooter. These processes, they were made by the nuns. They seem like they’re aggressive algorithms because they’re not letting you in. Scooter, I can’t…yeah, I can’t get in there. Okay, and you got your sub-processors. Okay, I just want you to feel those feelings or algorithms, however you…okay Scooter, I’m doing that. Okay, now I want you to picture Captain Fantasma. Scooter, do you think now is the best time to do that? Yeah, I do, Stan. So, picture Captain Fantasma. Okay Scooter, I’m picturing her.
She’s very shiny and strapping in a good way. Okay, so she’s standing there, her cape is flowing, she’s shining. Yeah Scooter, I’m picturing her. How are you feeling? Scooter, I’m feeling warm. Okay, that’s good. That’s good, Stan. Scooter, but I don’t understand…okay, so just stick with me, Stan. I’m here to help. I know I was late and I made some mistakes, but I’m here to help you. Okay, Scooter. How are you gonna help? Well, if there’s anything I know about…it’s fictional crushes, Stan. Scooter, do you have a crush on Captain Fantasma? No, no. I mean, I think Captain Fantasma sounds pretty cool, but I don’t have a crush. Okay Scooter, but…yeah, because I don’t know how I would feel about…well, don’t worry, Stan. You don’t have to…okay. But that’s a good sign. Okay, Scooter.
So Stan, I want you to kinda think back over these past…this crush you had on Captain Fantasma. Scooter, I’m doing that. Okay, and think about when you thought about your crush. When you really were leaning in, when you were about to get swept away on it, were you kinda playing out some scenarios in your mind? It’s okay. This is a safe place to talk about it. Scooter, I was. I was play…yes, Scooter. Okay, and then did you…is there any particular thing you played out? Scooter, what do you mean? Is there any…one of the differences between crushes and attractions for me is the way you’re playing things out is different. Crushes are more scenarios, fictional scenarios. Oh, like some…yes, like I was imagining, Scooter. Yeah. What was one of the things you were imagining?
Here’s a thing; were you anticipating it, like wishing it was real? Imagining it and anticipating it and then that was guiding your good behavior? Scooter, it was. It was also distracting me from reality. Yeah, those are all crush…that’s all crush…CBF; crush-based feelings and thoughts. That’s not CBT, but you could say it’s CBFT. Okay, Scooter. So tell me about one of the scenarios. You might feel a little…if you feel shy and you don’t want to talk about it, that’s a good sign that you should talk about it. Okay, Scooter. I was imagining I was on a airplane, like a Earth airplane, on my way…I know this is silly, but I was going to visit Captain Fantasma also on Earth, on a plane trip to visit her where she lived. Okay, this is right up the alley, Stan. How are you feeling? Scooter, I think if I could blush, I would be blushing.
I’m displaying images of blush-based drinks. Yeah, I love that cherry lemon-lime that you’re using to blush. Thanks, Scooter. So, yeah, and then I was looking forward to seeing her and…yeah. Okay, this is good stuff. Now, what happens next? Scooter, why is this important? Just trust me, just trust me. Okay, Scooter. Scooter, actually, this is working because it’s diverting a lot of power from the sub-processors. It’s taking a lot of power for me to overcome my resistance to talk about it. Keep talking about it, Stan. So you’re on a airplane, you’re going to where…this is some sort of…you’re going to see Captain Fantasma, you’re excited. What are you expecting or what are you hoping happens next? Well Scooter, I’m on the plane; I’m hoping that she’ll meet me there. Okay, and what are you hoping will happen?
Well Scooter, I’m hoping she’s there waiting at the…not…like when you…like in the movies when you come out of the area and the person’s standing there. Okay, she’s waiting for you at the arrivals area. Right, Scooter, before baggage claim. Okay, great. What else are you…? There’s…okay, I need some more details, though, Stan. What else is in there? Okay Scooter, she has a sign that says ‘Stan’ with a heart, S-T…heart, but it’s also an A…N. Okay, Scooter…I mean, Stan. Sorry, I’m getting swept up in this, too. Now, what else? I need more…I need some more details. I have a feeling there’s more there. Scooter, there is, that she is…she has a limousine driver cap and coat on, and she’s also…has a wry…even though I can’t see it, underneath her armor there’s a wry look on her face.
Also, I’m…I never determined if Captain Fantasma’s…no one knows if Captain Fantasma’s human or digital or some other being. Okay, but you could sense a smile and Captain Fantasma’s kinda pretending, but not…only a hint of a pretend that they are a limousine driver there to pick you up. Right, Scooter. Not like roleplay; more like silly. Then what happens? Scooter, then we see each other and then we lock eyes, and she doffs her cap to me. Okay, and then what happens? Scooter, and then…Scooter, things are getting really warm in here. That’s good, Stan. That’s good. Then there’s people getting in the way and we’re…we lose track of each other, then we see each other again and I’m going towards her. Okay Stan, and then what? And then we embrace, Scooter, and we spin around.
I guess technically she spins me around, then I spin her around in circles, like you see. Okay, this is archetypal, Stan. This is archetypal crush stuff. Well Scooter, it’s great, and everybody…some people start to stop. Okay, keep going. And then we look at each other…okay, Stan. Scooter, things are getting really warm in here. I feel like my circuits are overloading. That’s good. Keep going, Stan. Then we look at each other and we…are you real? Kinda like a look like that, like holy…like you can sense quickening pulses, and then we kiss, Scooter. Now, not a…an appropriate kiss but a real kiss, and everybody in the airport starts clapping, or they’re taken aback. Okay, okay. So you have a big kiss, you’re sharing a big moment. The kiss ends and then we’re kinda both dazed, Scooter, and laughing about it, and holding hands.
Okay, this is good, Stan. This is good. Scooter, is it good? Because Captain Fantasma’s a made-up character. It’s okay, Stan. It’s okay. Okay, I’m just a little disappointed because it seemed so real. Okay, but then…so then what happens? Did you check a bag? Scooter, I did check a bag. I know…okay, no, no, I’m into checking bags lately, because when it’s free you’ll check a bag. Right, but it’s also…anyway Stan, this is about your fantasy. So we go to wait for the bag and we’re holding hands. We’re still kind of in disbelief, but now it’s like we’re…we both look at each other again and we let out these sighs and giggles. It’s just like a moment after a moment, Scooter. Scooter, something’s happening with my sub-processors. Okay, so you’re waiting for the bags and you’re stunned that you’re in each other’s presence, huh?
Scooter, yeah. You can’t believe it, huh? Scooter, you’re right. Like you said, this feels so real, even though it’s not real, right? It’s Captain…and this is okay. I’m not say…and Captain Fantasma’s…it’s probably better that your first big crush was on a fictional character. Right, Scooter, but what are you saying? Okay, I want you to check in with…I think you…it’s good being delusional sometimes. Scooter, it certainly feels good right now. You’re right; it seems to have shorted out my sub-processors. Oh, because…Scooter, I seem to have taken on more delusion, I think. Right, Stan. So, is everything shut down that the nuns were…had…the processes the nuns had initiated…? Scooter, it has. But Scooter, I’m feeling tired from using so much power. Yeah, this is a good time to take a nap, Stan. You should lie down.
I don’t know what’s gonna happen after we fall asleep. We’ll probably meet up again, but I want you to think about Captain Fantasma, and it’s okay. You just have a crush. It’s just a crush. It’s okay that it’s a little bit delusional, especially right now as you’re resting and getting comfortable and sinking in. Yeah, it’s not real but it feels kinda good. Scooter, it does. There’s something about it that…I mean, it’s a sign of humanity not to…wish there was a broader word for that, but sentience. So, just get comfortable, Stan. Keep resting here. Just listen to my voice as you drift off. You’re looking at your reflection in the airport, in the platinum armor of Captain Fantasma, Stan. Goodnight.
[END OF RECORDING]