938 – Smoothing Garfunkel’s Hair | All Intros from Holidays 2018 (727-731)
Episode 938 – Smoothing Garfunkel's Hair | All Intros from Holidays 2018 (727-731)
[START OF RECORDING]
SCOOTER: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and friends beyond the binary, and all my patron peeps; what up patron peeps? I’m here to helps you sleeps. Thanks, and on with the show.
INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake whether it’s thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, time, temperature, Paul Simons in Simon and Garfunkel saying see what’s become of me? Or when your life feels like a mystery, or when it’s like the ottoman; you look around, the…you say the leaves are brown now and the sky…it may be a hazy shade of autumn or winter.
But you know, don’t…whatever the next lyrics are; it’s like, hang onto your hats or something. You say Scoots, what happened? I don’t know. Sorry. If you’re new, welcome. I’m gonna try to create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake. Now I’m gonna try to rein it in, you know? The opposite of Art Garfunkel’s hair. For anyone who doesn’t know who Art Garfunkel is, he had big, curly…he had a lot of curly hair on his head. So you could picture anyone with…Malcolm Gladwell if you wish, that I’m…that’s like…figuratively, I’m rubbing their head. I’m smoothing their curls, massaging their curls. But I’m doing that with a safe place where I’m saying hey, come on in. I’m glad you’re here. I’m gonna try to keep you company tonight, to take your mind off of stuff.
What I’m gonna do is send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents, and extra stuff. Obviously I’m gonna be goofing around. Yeah. Lots of ums and ahs. I tend to do like that, like it’s…likes and ahs. Oh boy, if you like likes and ahs, you’re in the right spot. But really what I’m gonna do is keep you company, be your companion. If you’re new, here’s the structure of the show; show starts off with a few minutes of business. That’s how we keep the show going and free and over 300 archived episodes. Then what we’re gonna do is…then there’s…oh, there’s business, then there’s a intro.
The intro’s kind of a show within a show where I would normally efficiently…in another world I would efficiently explain the premise of the podcast; the podcast to put you to sleep, but I found over time doing this, it’s like, I gotta win your trust. I gotta bring you in, give you something familiar if you’re a regular listener, but if you’re new, kinda welcome you because of course you say what? I’m supposed to fall asleep to this nonsense? I’d say well, not initially. Come on in, this is the intro. It’s about twelve minutes of me explaining what the show is, a show within a show. Some regular listeners use it as part of their bedtime wind-down, some listeners fall asleep to it, some listeners listen during the day, and a few listeners skip ahead straight to the story portion.
Tonight it’ll be our new…oh, then we go…so, that’s the intro, about twelve minutes of me kinda introducing what the nonsense of the show is and the conception of the…whatever, the show conceptually. You could kinda see how it goes. Usually it takes two or three tries for new listeners to get a sense of if they’re comfortable with the podcast or that it works for them. Hopefully it works for you quicker. Or you say oh, I don’t think this is gonna work for me. I’ll pleasantly move on to something…I’ll listen to some classical music, listener supported at KDFC, for an example. But so, oh, so that’s the intro. Then tonight it’ll be a story. This is definitely a procedural episodic holiday series. It’s our second episode.
For some reason I was thinking it’s our first episode but it’s our second episode of our episodic holiday series, the…what is it called? Oh, The Happy Holiday Shop. That’ll be a bedtime story with some drifting and some meandering and some present…there won’t be any…there will be gifts and pondering of gifts and saying hm, what…gift-deciding. So, a holiday-themed series. You should be pretty happy if you catch…’cause that’s the title of…The Happiest Holiday Shop. Then at the end of the show is some thank-yous. Between the intro and the story are some other ways we keep the show going. That’s the structure of the show. If you’re also new, know…there’s a couple things you might need to know. This is a podcast you don’t really need to listen to.
You can kinda listen to it, you can passively listen to it, you can watch it like traffic on a river, rolling or floating by, kinda like if you’re watching a…what are those kinda trains called with stuff on them? Freight train. You have time; you’re watching it at a distance just rolling. You say well, I’m just gonna watch this. Oh, there’s that shape of car, there’s a boxcar, there’s one of those other cars that’s not a boxcar. I wonder if there’s a caboose. Oh, there’s a container one, got some liquid in it or something. There’s a car-carrier one. You’re just watching it. That’s kinda like this podcast. You can kinda listen to it like that. You can listen closely or you could listen to it where I’m at a mumble of a level. Whatever works for you. Give it a few tries and see what works. But there’s also no pressure to fall asleep.
I’m gonna be here about an hour to keep you company and I’m here to the very end, especially with these episodic stories. I got a story so if you can’t fall asleep, if you’re really stuck, I’ll be here to keep you company. But it also gives you full permission to fall asleep ‘cause you say well, Scoots is gonna be here talking to me either way. You drift off at your leisure. There’s no pressure to listen, there’s no pressure to fall asleep. That’s why I say I’m gonna be here around an hour. The reason I make the show is because I’ve been there tossing and turning, pondering or waking and then saying well, I did…I fell asleep and now I can’t get back to sleep or I had to go upstairs and then I noticed this and then, you know, I’ve been there in a lot of different sleepless formats.
I want to help and what I found works for me is something outside of me that draws me…for me it’s distracting my thoughts. For some people it might just be validating that you’re having a hard time and that your feelings are valid but hey, say hey, listen to me and see if I could validate that you’re having a hard time and also take your mind off of that. Or maybe it’s something physical. I’d say hey, listen to me; I’m gonna take you to this wonderful…the happiest holiday shop you’ve ever been to. We’ll do a brief visit there and maybe there will be some positive mentoring going on in tonight’s episode as a little…what is that called, a teaser? Or fore…it’s not foreshadowing. Maybe it is, though.
Here’s some fore…I’m the only person that has foreshadowing…if I was reading a script, I’d…there’d be actual foreshadowing ‘cause the…if it was a cloudy day…that’s kind of like the foreshadowing of this podcast. You’re trying to read something and then I guess it gets so cloudy. It doesn’t make sense that you can’t read it or I can’t read it. I say, you know, and soon they would realize that there’s a message inside of the message. I don’t think that’s foreshadowing, either. But I’d say look deeper. Look beyond the glass. I guess that’s shadowing, or foreshadowing. Maybe I just do shadowing where you say what’s the most confusing form of foreshadowing? Could it be Ark talking about Art Garfunkel’s hair or Malcolm Gladwell’s?
Who are some other people with famous curly cues that I’m thinking about? Those are the two that I just most like to…and I don’t know, that’s Art Garfunkel from the…whenever Simon and Garfunkel were…I don’t know if that was the 70s or the 60s or the 80s. Malcolm Gladwell, he still is a very successful podcaster and author. But I haven’t got a good look at him lately. But I’d say hey, let me [00:10:00] give your hair a little touchy-poo. I mean, of course, this would be imaginary unless they said hey, Scoots…this would be great ‘cause I think Malcolm Gladwell’s very successful. This could be…let me pitch you right now because I’ve wrote episodes about doing this internally. Maybe we could even do it over the phone or Skype, Malcolm, or Professor…Dr. Gladwell, however you…I never thought about that.
Are you a fan of the musical Urinetown? ‘Cause that’s Mr. Cladwell. But every once in a while it sounds like Mr. Gladwell. Malcolm…maybe we could do a parody musical about you, like in a cool way, ‘cause Mr. Cladwell and Malcolm Gladwell, I think those could be sung with the same syllables. Oh sorry, I was on a pitch call with you. I was just gonna say if you ever get stressed, I may have a method to calm you where I just gently touch your hair. Think about it and then I could do it just to see. Believe me, I’m totally down with…this will be totally a professional thing. I could even wear silken gloves or some other nonconductive glove. Maybe some sort of glove with bristles on it or something. I don’t know. Do they have those for dogs? We could even imaginarily do it.
You could even pretend…you’d have to pay me for this even though it would be imaginary for you. Probably be easy to cut me out of the pay system, but you could just evoke Scoots and you could say okay, I have…I’m having a rough day. I’m trying to think up a new title. I have great ones like Blink. I’m trying to think of another word that’s like stuff. I said well, that’s not what my next book’s about. I’m working on revisionist history. I’m working really hard and I could use some calm. Let me just picture…’cause it’s easier to just picture Scoots coming and saying hey Malcolm, I’m gonna sing you the most positive version of Mr. Cladwell ‘cause I can’t sing it on a sleep podcast and I can’t sing in real life very well, either. But I’m sure you could imagine me gently touching your head in a non…whatever, that patronizing way and saying Malcolm Gladwell is, you know, thinking up book titles.
Can’t be easy, and then go from there. That’s a possibility. Just an idea. This podcast is normally not exactly like that, but that could have been…I don’t know if that was any kind of foreshadowing. But here’s what it is; I’m gonna keep you company. I’m gonna be your…strive to be your bore-friend, your bore-bae, your bore-cuz, your companion, your friend in the deep, dark night here to keep you company, to verbally, in a non-patronizing validating way that says you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. You deserve a good night’s sleep. I’m gonna be here to goof around and try to do that in the way I can and keep you company. I’m here to help. For your first few times by, give it a few tries. See if it works for you. I really appreciate your time and I work very hard. I yearn and I strive to help you fall asleep. Thank you so much.
Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake whether it’s thoughts you’re thinking about, stuff on the old…I thought I was gonna say…I had…my brain said oh, I got a word for mind. Then my brain said bean pole. I said I don’t think that’s what a…I don’t think that’s short for brain…thoughts on your mind. There was a song, You Were Always On My Mind, and I would say mine would be Lots of…Millions of Stuff and Other Stuff On Top of That is Always On My Mind, Lots of Thoughts and Other Stuff On My…Fluff and Stuff…So Many Other Things Always On My Mind.
But so, whatever’s keeping you awake whether it’s thoughts, feelings; could be physical or emotional feelings or just ones you’re not sure. You say well, what is this? Is this a churning or a yearning? I don’t know if anybody else has trouble telling those two things apart, but…and maybe other things that rhyme with it. Maybe I’ll get to that churn…the old churning and yearning. Yeah, stuff’s turning. Charles Durning; I think that…I don’t think that’s a person but soon you’ll be learning about a couple things, ways we…so, oh, so it’s thoughts, feelings, physical sensations. Time, temperature, travel, you’re out of town, the person, your boo…I don’t think they call it boo…I think even bae has fallen out. I don’t know what the latest one is. It’s not sweetums. I think that was a Muppet…uses the term sweetums.
I think maybe there is a Muppet named Sweetums. Sugar-pie, sugar pot-pie, sugar pop-pie. Has anyone made a pop…a pie of…well, pop is made from sugar. A sugar pop-pie. If anybody has…if that hasn’t been invented yet…I mean, I have…we’ve talked…it’s been a couple years since we’ve talked about shoo fly pie. Excuse me, shoo fly pie; not shoo fly, shoo or shoo fly, shoes. Oh boy, there’s an invention; did they know they invented something if they would have just played out that rhyme, that nursery rhyme a little bit longer? Who would have said well, let’s take that nursery rhyme Shoo Fly,Shoo and let’s make a shoo fly pie. I know there’s shoo fly pie fans and I think I had one, yeah, two summers ago. I said it was pretty good. It was good, it was just not my favorite pie. But where was I?
Okay, I was right in the middle of…sorry, if you’re a new listener, usually the show goes off the rails about three minutes from now instead of three minutes earlier, but if…the podcast to put you to sleep, take your mind off of whatever’s keeping you awake; thoughts, feelings, physical sensations. I’m gonna try to create a safe place where you can put all those aside. I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night; check. Lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones; check. That’s creaky-dulcet. That’s a made up word, or actually two real words combined into…actually, it’s just a descriptor. You say, what does Scoots’ voice sound like? Creaky…dulcets are sweet tones, like sweet bells a-ringing or a crooner. You say well, they have dulcet tones. Scoots’ tones are creaky but they’re kinda good.
If you’re…that’s…I guess, there you go, yeah, creaky, dulcet tones. Pointless meanders; you’ve seen a few of those. Rustified tangents, superfluous stuff. Yeah, I get distracted, I get…I just…here’s what I do; I try to be my…this is honestly the structure of the show. I’ll explain it to you. It starts off with a few minutes of business, then there’s an intro which we’re in. The intros are a show within a show about twelve minutes long where I try to explain what the podcast is, just naturally. I say well, I think I got an idea for a metaphor about that old podcast I do twice a week. Let me just do a metaphor that’ll whip…let me whip one right up. I think there’s…molasses is one of the ingredients in shoo fly pie. It’s also the…I heard one somewhere that humans are like, whatever, 70%, 80%, 90% water.
I did one of those things where I said well, let me see if I’m…what percentage of water am I? Also, I’ve…I’m…always wanted to check on my…’cause I would prefer to be beyond. I’d say well, I’d like to be sugar, spice, puppy dog tails, and snails. Let me just check since the last time ‘cause I have been having a little bit more cinnamon and turmeric. Let me see if I have it…if my sugar and spice levels are up. I sent it into this…it was a wizard I met at a wishing well. He said well, we…he said did you…he was the one who said did you know most humans are 82% water? What’s got you looking down? Is it your water levels? I said I’m here to make a wish in privacy of…privacy of my own wishing time and also to do a few speeches from Goonies for my own amusement. If you’ll excuse me.
He said, you know, I’d be happy to excuse you. Just wondering if you’ve had your water levels checked at all. I said you like to check out my water levels, eh, wizard? Oh boy, thanks. Then I ran my hand through my [00:20:00] hair and I said you just made my day. Then I kissed my bicep and I…when I was doing that, I threw a penny into the well. I said I didn’t realize I had a wish to be complimented by a wizard or a person posing as a wizard by a well, but wish granted. Then the wizard said by the way, aren’t you trying to explain to new listeners about the intro of the podcast? I said, I am. What I was going in a roundabout way to say was that I think I’m mostly molasses. They say well, your water content…you do have the required water content for it to be classified as a human being.
Some of those other things…your behavioral charts we’ll get to next time. But they said your water seems to be in a molasses-like molecular structure. This was a wizard and members of his…NPC members of a…I said how did I get into a…what did I roll? How many sided dice are rolling through my brain here? But so, the intro is where I try to make a metaphor for the podcast, then I get lost. Next thing I know, I’m…I say well, I’m gonna make a metaphor for the podcast, then I meet a wizard at a well. Then that time, I…it worked out great. I got complimented by the wizard, I believe, though I heard some snickering coming from the well. I said are you snickering ‘cause I’m not allowed to wish on a penny? Then I said, a penny for your thoughts, wizard.
The wizard was gone because the wizard said keep going with the…oh, I said okay. So, the intro is a twelve-minute show within a show. A lot of listeners use it as part of their bedtime or wind-down routine. But if you’re new, try to just let it generate some imagery or maybe some…I don’t know, maybe just let my creaky dulcets put you at ease or my tone instead of trying to make too much sense of it ‘cause even I am trying to figure out what’s going on with it at this wishing well. Which wishing…then I say okay, I can’t go down…then I just got…earwormed myself with wishing-well-related songs. Then I thought about kissing and telling with the wizard and I giggled. Then I actually…then I said actually, I realize I have molasses, okay? I’m made up of molasses. That’s fine.
I’m really interested in my puppy dog tail and sugar and spice levels, to be perfectly honest, and also see if my snail levels are up. Is that something a baking soda-based deodorant can counter? Wizard said of course, well, that would be an upgrade to our premium package. I said okay, so some listeners fall asleep during the intro, some use it as part of their wind-down routine, or that’s what a lot of people do as they get ready for bed, as they ease into bed. Some people skip the intro, people…more and more people I hear from are listening during the day just in chunks when you need a little meditative-like break. If you’re new, just see how it goes. It takes two or three tries to get used to this podcast because it is a bit different. That’s the intro, then there will be a story.
I think what we have scheduled tonight is a holiday…look at it like holiday specials and stuff. Say well, what does Scoots think about these things and these lists? What do I remember? ‘Cause I did say to myself I’d like to do a holiday special about a holiday special this year. I said well, what jumps out to me? One has some bedtime…whatever the opposite of oomf is. But it just had…didn’t even have enough oomf. I said well, you know, I kinda remember a couple holiday specials but I don’t have…there’s ones that the pathways got so worn, I may be F-E-D U-P with some of them. It’s particularly F-R-O-S-T-Y. But even some of the other ones. We’ll take a look at these lists. We’ll see what…it’ll be sleepy, it’ll be lulling.
Between the intro and the story or the…whatever we’re gonna do, analysis of the holiday specials, we’ll have a little business. Then we have some thank-yous at the end. That’s the structure of the show. If you’re new, a couple other things to know. You don’t need to make sense…you don’t need to listen to this podcast. I think clearly you don’t need to listen ‘cause I don’t even exactly…I think I had my molasses…I said are these…are…what…where are you certified? What laboratories are you working with, wizard? Then I started to wonder the whole…is Santa Claus…was Santa Claus a…is Santa Claus…I never started to think about it but I’m sure someone did do that. Is Santa Claus a wizard? I don’t know. I believe in Roberta Claus now, no offense to Santa.
Roberta took over from Santa a few years ago, she did. She may be a wizard, wizardess, but she’s magic. But clearly…okay, oh, so structure of the show; you don’t need to listen to me. That’s clear. Also, there’s no pressure to fall asleep. I’m gonna be here for about an hour to keep you company. You drift off as you need to. The reason I make this show is ‘cause I’ve been there and I know how it feels in the deep, dark night. I want to give you plenty of time to fall asleep. You can queue up episode after episode if you need it. If you can’t sleep, I’ll be…these are complete. I’m here, I’m here at your bedside ‘til the very end of the episode. Like I said, you can use another episode if you need it. Yeah, I really, truly believe you deserve a good night’s sleep. You’ve earned it.
I want you to be out there rested tomorrow or at least relaxed in bed and a little bit more comfortable. Here, let me pull that up there. Let me air that out there. I’m here to help. It doesn’t work for everybody. I hope it works for you. There’s lots of other…you could listen to LibriVox, you could listen to That Sleepy Podcast. It’s like somebody reading stories in a kind of voice like this. There’s Sleep Whispers from our good friend Harris and Craig. There’s plenty other options, but give it a shot. For the people this podcast works for, it works for, so I hope it works for you. I work very hard. I strive and I yearn. I really want to help you fall asleep. Thank you so much for coming by and here’s a few ways we keep the show going.
Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake whether it’s thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, whether you’re traveling, there’s changes in time or temperature or routine. Whatever’s keeping you up, I’d like to create a safe place. I’d like to smooth it and pat it and rub it down for you, puff it up a little, puff it and pat it and, you know, mark it with, as I say, SP for safe place or Y-O-U for you. This is your spot right over here.
Or oh, you prefer that spot over there? That’s just fine. You could move around if you wish. But what I’m gonna try to do is take your mind off whatever’s keeping you awake. I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, rustified tangents, extra words. I’m gonna get mixed up. I’m gonna say uh and ah. What I’m gonna do is try to keep you company while you fall asleep. If you’re new, welcome. Let me give you a couple of things to know upfront. One; it takes usually a couple times to get used to this podcast. Not for everybody. It turns out the first few times is almost not for anybody ‘cause you say what is this the first time, and then you fall asleep. Then the second time, you say what was that that I was listening to?
Then you fall asleep. Then the third time you say oh, okay, I get it. I don’t really get it. Or some people have a pre-time. We won’t even say it’s the first time they encounter the podcast, and they say are those creaky…what are those called? Are those aching, mulchy tones? Then they say, that…probably not for me. Then maybe they try again; they say oh no, those are creaky, dulcet tones. If they weren’t so creaky, they’d be…I think dulcet kinda means sweet. You say okay, yeah, I thought they were leachy, mulching tones but I guess they’re more creaky, dulcet the second time I’m listening. The other thing is don’t try to figure out the podcast too much or concentrate or focus [00:30:00] ‘cause I do a lot of meandering. I do a lot of…what’s that called when you…filibustering. Holy moly.
I mean, I bust a filler like you’ve never…you want to see somebody bust a filler and a fillerbust…if it wasn’t for the patented name Dustbuster, I would sell something. I guess this podcast…I’d say this podcast is like the filibust…Dustbust…the filibuster of Dustbusters or something or if I was good, I’d say well, I’m gonna bust some fills like a Dustbuster busts dust. I guess I just did that but it wasn’t as…’cause I’ve been using these lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones. Don’t try to figure out the show too much ‘cause of my filibustering. Maybe I’ll come back to that. But what else? Oh, structurally what to expect; the show starts off with a few minutes of business. That’s really how we keep the show going and free. Then we have an intro. The intros are about twelve minutes of me filibustering, trying to explain the podcast but also trying to earn your trust, to keep you company.
Some listeners fall asleep during the intro. A lot of listeners use it as part of their wind-down routine. They’re calling their pets in, they’re getting ready, they’re getting snuggled in, maybe they’re brushing their hair or their teeth. Maybe they’re filibustering bedtime. That would be more procrastinating. I’d like to filibuster…well, let’s see, I’ll try to think of something. But some people skip the intro, some people listen to intros all night long. Whatever works for you, but it’s just the beginning of the show, a twelve-minute show within a show that where nothing…they say well, tonight’s show, nothing will happen but we’ll talk about it for twelve minutes. You say okay, that must be Sleep With Me.
There’s a intro, then there’s a little business between the intro and the story, and then for the story tonight, I think this will be our big return to Doctor Who where we’ll be talking about Episode 2 from Doctor Number…whichever; I don’t know, from the new series too, which…so, you’ll figure it out. It’ll be in the labels. But we’ll be talking about Doctor Who and I’ll be doing plenty of meandering and prowling around like a house cat where you say…when a house cat’s not chasing stuff; it’s just walking around. Maybe I’ll be sitting on a still, looking out a window. That’s kinda how I observe Doctor Who when I’m watching it over and over again. I say okay, well, that happened there and then Rose said this. Also Mickey handed the back…what brand of backpack was that?
Noticed Mickey was wearing a Puma warm-up suit but the Puma was covered because of some brand issue, just like if I ever got a Dustbuster warm-up suit, they’d probably say okay, we…I’d say don’t worry, I’m gonna change the D to an F. They’d say well, it’s still our brand. I’d say well, my brand is filibustering. Let me talk to you about it for a few minutes, about…and they’d say no, no, no, we just don’t want…I say well, I was in the middle of talking about my…the reason I have this warm-up suit is ‘cause I’m…but I can’t filibuster right now ‘cause I’m trying to explain the structure of the show to new listeners. How about I meet you at Dustbuster corporate? Oh, B&D Corporate. That sounds very clinical.
Okay, well, so, there will be the…talking about Doctor Who, sleeping with Doctor Who if you wish, or sleeping to. Then there’s some thank-yous at the end. That’s the structure of the show. A few other things; you don’t really need to listen to me or you don’t need to listen closely. A normal podcast, you miss out on something. This, you could miss out on something but you could always replay it. But most of the stuff you missed out on won’t be super-impactful. It’ll just be friendly banter. You’re also under no pressure to fall asleep. I’m gonna be here for about an hour. The reason I make these shows about an hour is like, in case you have trouble falling asleep, I’m gonna be here ‘til the very end. If you can’t fall asleep, you could play episodes back-to-back-to-back.
But I’ll be giving it my all all the way through to keep you company so you could fall asleep as you wish. If you fall asleep during the intro really fast, that’s great. If it takes you ‘til the very end or you need me just to keep you company or you got something stressful at work and you need me to take your mind off of stuff, that’s what I’m here for. I’m your bore-friend, I’m your bore-bud, I’m your bore-bae, your bore-bestie, your bore-bruh, your bore-sib, whatever it is you like. I’m here to help. I’ve been there in the deep, dark night, tossing and turning. Like last night, I woke up a couple times but then I woke up at this one time and I said okay, hopefully it’s in the 5:00 AM range so then if I need…if I…then I could just get up if need be. It wouldn’t be ideal, but I’ll do it. I said, okay.
I asked my smart speaker what time it is so then I don’t have to turn on any lights or look at anything. I said hey smart speaker, what time is it? She said 1:10 AM. If you’ve been there, you’d know what that…I said, 1…I thought it was like, 5:20. Now, that’s what I was hoping for. Then I got up and read a little bit because I said okay, that’s not gonna work. I don’t know what my point was there. I think I was trying to make a point. Structure of the show…oh, I’ve been there. Yeah, last night I was there. Then I got back in bed and actually once I interrupted the cycle for about twenty minutes, I actually fell right back asleep and slept ‘til my alarm, so it worked out. But there is that time when you…when it feels like the H-O-P-E has the L-E-S-S with it. That’s why I’m here to help and one way I do it is to bust a filler.
What if your job was…’cause they have the…I know there’s a lot of comedy about these tags that say Do Not Remove This Tag on pillows and mattresses. I think that’s the Bureau of Installation that does that or something. But what if that was your job? You were…they say well, what do you do? I’m a fillerbuster. I mean really, I work for the…I’m a bureau investigator. But what I do is I bust filler. I go in there, I say let me see your filler. Then I say, busted; that filler is not up to snuff. I guess I thought that would be better material, but the cats in my brain said meow. I guess fillerbustering is better if I could break-dance. I mean, I do have a couple break-dance moves, none of which are that good, but if I did break-dance it would be much better.
I think there is a band, Filibuster, but I don’t think they do…they bust fills. Also, busting a fill kinda sounds…or filler…I don’t know. Maybe…I guess it was just a one-note joke. I was hoping there would be more material but it turns out it’s not. But that’s okay; I’m here to keep you company. I’m here to be your friend. I’m here to puff…let me just puff your pillows instead of busting them. You wouldn’t mind me to bust a move on your pillows, but have there been any bed…there weren’t like…there was some themed break-dancing. There’s robot break-dancers. I don’t know if there was ever any…when Cats was big, the musical — we’ll be talking about that briefly tonight — was there anybody doing break-dancing and dressed as cats?
‘Cause I could do break-dance…a bed theme…I mean, I’d have to, again, go find my Alfonzo Ribeiro tapes or whatever. But if I could…I don’t think that’s a good idea for me to do this break-dancing but you know, do some bed-themed break-dancing. I’d be in pajamas. I would have my cardboard look like a bed. I’d also have pillows and blankets and instead of doing a headstand or a handstand, I’d do a pillow-stand. There could be a lot of good swirling with the blankets and stuff and the pillows. Then you could always finish…a lot of people finish with their head on their elbow anyway. I could bust out and then just go to sleep. Yeah, I think that’s something that’s possible.
We could get some binaural beats in there and that could…yeah, then I could be the Filibuster, bedtime…and maybe the whole time I could be talking and telling a bedtime…maybe I’m…maybe you don’t know this but maybe I’m busting some moves right now, but I’m not. I’m not locking or popping. But anyway, I’m here to help. That’s the main message. If you’re new, give it a few tries. See how it goes. There’s no pressure so just see how it goes. I’m here to help. I appreciate you trying this show out. I work very hard and I strive and I yearn not to pronounce things correctly but to be here while you fall asleep. Thank you for coming by and here’s a couple ways we keep the show going.
Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the [00:40:00] podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake whether it’s thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, changes in time, temperature, routine. You got travel, you got stuff going on. Whatever’s keeping you awake, I’d like to keep you company here. I’d like to take your mind off of that. What I’m going to do…did I already say that? I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night.
I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, I’m gonna use out-of-the-box techniques like kissing my own shoulders. I guess I didn’t…I don’t know if I called it this, but sympathetic shoulder-kissing. Here we go, I’m going in for one. One second, please. Now really, I have my shirt on, but…so it’s not quite…it’s more like kissing my shirt but sympathetic shirt-kissing, we could do that as well. Those are strange…if you’re new, what I’m gonna do is send my voice across the deep, dark night and keep you company, take your mind off of stuff, to be here for you as you drift off. Now, maybe it’s becoming quickly apparent that this podcast is not like other podcasts or other things. You may call them normal things or you say other stuff.
Yeah, this podcast is full of stuff but it’s just like a cloud; you say…I mean, actually, in some way it is. You say man, that cloud looks like it’s full of stuff. The scientists would say oh yeah, molecules. I’d say well, that’s a general word but by the way, could you be more specific? Then the scientists would say well, by the cut of your jib, Scoots, I know if I’m more…I’d say well, water…are you saying there’s water molecules in there? They’d say well, technically. I’d say, okay. I was just…what I was just saying, scientist, is like, it could be like a toy chest. I’m using…you know, when I was…came into the world, I both suspend my belief and my disbelief, I guess is what I’m saying. I believe in science. Believe me, scientists, and I think I was trying to make a metaphor for the new listeners.
You say well, that cloud looks pretty puffy. Could be some stuff in there. Don’t know what it would be because I can’t see through the cloud, but I could imagine. Maybe it’s just cotton swabs. The cloud filled with cotton swabs; that could be on…I don’t know anybody…they don’t run commercials for cotton swabs anymore. I think ever since those pads came out…you say well, did the bottom of the cotton swab market fall out? Did they say these pads are really impinging on our margins here? We used to just be able to make them in poofs. I wonder if that’s met…you say well, we’re way more at ease when you could go into a bathroom and you see a bunch of puffy things. Okay, I’m stretching.
Some part of my brain…I said well, maybe I need to just get a night…maybe I gotta go to a store…talk about consumerism at its best; I’m gonna go to a store. I’m gonna get myself a clear jar, I’m gonna fill it with puffy cotton puffs or whatever they’re called; swabs. I’ll tell you what, these ain’t gonna be swabbing nothing, vocabulary brain. They’re just gonna be puffing in there and chilling because what I was trying to do for a new listener — excuse me new listener, I’m sorry — I was trying to create a metaphor about the podcast but what happens is when I do that, I get up there in the clouds where my head’s…I say oh, that’s where you’ve been, head. Your head’s been in the clouds, Scoots.
No wonder you can’t make a metaphor about the podcast related to clouds and then go into a metaphor about bathrooms and things you may find in bathrooms, and then cotton swabs. Then you were probably gonna go on a tangent about cotton swab barons or the great cotton swab collapse of 20-aught-8. I remember your classic segue…no, those were tangents about Sea Breeze and astringent. I don’t remember the content of it but I do remember you said…you were talking about astringent for about eleven minutes in another podcast intro where you were trying to tell the listener if you’re new, just kinda watch it like a cloud. The podcast is airy like a cloud. You could imagine…oh, I guess some podcasts have stuff in it. This podcast is mostly tangents about stuff and puff…puffy stuff, ideally.
If you’re new, you don’t need to listen. I think that’s the other thing. Don’t try too hard to figure this podcast out. Give it a few tries. It’s here to help you but it doesn’t work for everybody. Yeah, you might…it might not be the thing for you or you might found out on the second or third try it is. But yeah, I’m just here to help, so see how it goes. I hope it helps you but it might not. I guess…but let’s see how it goes, so…‘cause you don’t need to listen to me. That’s the other thing. You can kinda listen, you could barely listen, you can actively listen. If you need to listen, I’ll be here ‘til the very end. I’ll be here for about an hour because the other thing is, you could fall asleep whenever you like. There’s no pressure to fall asleep. There’s no pressure to listen. I’m here to keep you company for at least an hour.
Maybe it’s an hour and fifteen minutes. Maybe for some people it’s eight or ten hours of back-to-back episodes. I’m here to be your friend in the deep, dark night. What to expect is the show starts off with a few minutes of business. The reason I’m laughing is ‘cause we’re like, six minutes into the intro or maybe six-and-a-half minutes. It starts off with a few minutes of business. It’s how we keep the show going and free, so thank you regular listeners. New listeners, it’s not super-important. Then the show…then we have a intro. The intros are around twelve minutes of me kinda trying to earn your trust, build some rapport and try to describe what the podcast is, put you at ease and take your mind off of stuff.
You say oh, well, he’s not really talking about much and I don’t even know what he’s talking about; clouds and cotton swabs. Maybe, you know, it might be hard for him not to say…start quoting things about swabbing the old deck. You know, he wants to be the great spokesperson for the cotton swabs and say none of ye swabs shall ever swab ye deck, or your…you’d say you’re never…if you don’t want to swab a face, you don’t have to. I’m telling you right now, at my house, unless I forget. I say oh, it’s been eight months since I’ve gotten an…gotten that Sea Breeze out and done some astringing. I’m in the mood for a little…I’ll put on my astringe playlist, astringent playlist…whatever they call that. I think there’s a fancier term for it, like when you use it on a engine…it’s degreasing on an engine or a pan.
On your face I think they call it snoobing it up or something. There’s a word; I know there’s a word for it. Excuse me, could you play my De-glazing of My Face playlist? Do you mean your Astringent playlist? I do, but I’m…yeah. They’ll see me, little saday, I’ll be…what am I talking about? I was trying to explain what the structure of the show is. There’s a intro where I go off-topic and I try to…some listeners skip the intro, some listeners fall asleep. A lot of people use it as part of their wind-down routine and a lot of people listen during the day. They say hey, I need that 10:00 AM…I need that 2:00 PM break, or I’m in traffic. Scoot, what did Scoots talk about last night? It wasn’t about an astringent playlist. It couldn’t have been. I may need to re-listen.
Yeah, I’d say…then the second song of course would be the L Train singing Easy…I’d be singing Sea Breezy, like my freshly-astringed face. Also, Sea Breeze, I don’t think you’re in business anymore. Maybe you are but if you’re looking for a podcast to sponsor, you…here…we could call it…I could call it Today’s Podcast; Astringently Yours. I could also figure out…look up the definition of astringent if I need to. But I think you’ve separated yourself from that. What about…I could rename myself Witch Hazel if you need to. I’ll pun it up however we need to. I’ll pun it up if that’s what it takes. Anyway, so that’s the intro. A little bit confusing, a little bit different. Kinda sets the mood for the clowning around that’s gonna be going down around here, the nonsense…non-linear nonsense.
Then we’ll have a little bit of business, then we have a bedtime story. Tonight it’ll be our third…pretty much 100% episodic modular holiday series, Happiest Holiday Shop. Then eventually we’ll get to the thank-yous and the goodnights. That’s at the end of the show. That’s structurally what to expect and I think I [00:50:00] kinda demonstrated the other stuff unintentionally, really. I mean, I don’t know if anybody…we could do a nation-wide search for people that think more about…I think they’re called cotton balls. Somebody just called in to my brain and said by the way, the cotton swabs is only…those are the…and I said holy mackerel, you gotta be kidding me. You’re right; those are the other ones, the tips. I was talking about cotton balls but I’ve been calling them…holy mackerel.
Let me get out my pen and my…dear cotton balls, I’m on whatever day it was that I recorded this; October 11th, 2018. Believe it or not, that’s when I recorded this. I mistakenly went on a eight-to-twelve-minute tangent talking about how poofy and great you were but I mischaracterized you as cotton swabs because my limited vocabulary and the indirect…you know, the way my neurons misfire. I meant to create a glorious podcast intro honoring your puffiness and your ability to astringe…astrange…astrunge…faces to create an imagery and metaphor for the listener of your softness, your shape which is ball-like but sometimes you’re more cubular.
Sometimes you’re octagonal which always seems so cottony and also to wonder…part of me was legitimately wondering if you did have a little downturn there when they made the flat pads that you used to only be able to get in the Strata-X packages, then you could buy them and use them for other things. But oh, I apologize so deeply for calling you cotton swabs. Also, cotton swabs, you…I probably owe you a lot of apologies ‘cause you’ve been…we come in contact on a daily basis and you travel with me. Also, cotton balls, sorry that I don’t travel with you or give you more attention. You’re probably honored in some homes and like I said, I would like to have just a jar of cotton balls, what I’ll say now correctly as I own my mistakes. I was wrong. I’m sorry, and let me know how I could make it better.
Also, if there are any sentient cotton balls, I’d like to pitch you on an amazing podcast, Everything is Alive. I could get you in touch. But I also…also, cotton balls, I don’t want you to feel like you have to swab any decks or faces. Oh, no. Sorry, new listeners, I just got another thing in; they said there’s a difference between swab and shwab. I said well, I don’t have time to give out those apologies. So, shwabbing the deck and swabbing the deck may be two different things but to me, in this letter of apology to you, sweet cotton balls, because…well, you’re not sweet even though I…yes, I’ve had you in my mouth both in a professional and a hobbyist level. I’m sorry for stealing the thunder I tried to bring to you when I was imagining a cloud full of cotton balls…also shwabs and swabs.
I just gotta use this chance to…I’m sorry, okay? I’ll just say it now. So, please apologize to me. For the new listeners that are here, this is kinda the thing to expect. I think if…once my…I get a full scan of my head, they’ll say are those…what are those? Are those cotton balls or cotton shwabs in there? I say, somebody…give him a little…give his…by the way, look at that skin. Did you just astringe…astrange…astrunge your skin? I’d say did you take Facial Latin for…Latin for Spa Owners? Because I took…I just audited that course. Anyway, I’m here to help. This podcast is definitely a little bit different. It takes a few tries to get used to but I’m here to help. I appreciate you coming by. I appreciate your time and I work very hard. I strive and I yearn to help you fall asleep, alright? Here’s a few of the ways we keep this show going.
Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake. It could be thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, something going on with you, keeping you up; it could be on the inside or the outside, could be travel, could be someone’s…sometimes they’re snoring, that lovely person snoring nearby. Maybe you’re on a work trip and you’re…you got…well, I never…didn’t realize that person…whatever it is, I’m here to keep you company.
I’m here to take your mind off whatever’s keeping you awake. Whatever it is is valid. What I’m gonna do is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents, filler words or filler letters, actually. That time I just used filler letters. Oh, bedtime stories; if you’re new, this is all to kinda create a safe place and let you put aside whatever’s keeping you awake, like I said. I’m here to be your bore-friend, your bore-bae, your bore-cuz, your bore-sib, the applicant to keep you company at this point if you’re new in the deep, dark night or across the room. What I’m gonna do structurally…if you’re new, welcome. Give this show a few tries.
It does take about three tries before you realize that the show is…you have a realization that the show is…you’ll get it or you won’t, but give it a few tries. Don’t try to actively process the show too much unless you’re immediately into it. If you’re kinda on the fence or skeptical, well, why wouldn’t you be? There’s so many things to try to put you to sleep, so many promises, so many giant or vague claims. I’m just here to keep you company as you drift off. Structurally what to expect, show starts off with a few minutes of business. That’s how we keep the show free and going. We start off with the business, then there’s a intro and the intros are a show within a show.
They’re about twelve minutes long where I try to create a metaphor and explain what the podcast is, but I also try to earn your trust, draw you in, create a space that you say wow, I can relax in this space…to create a routine or help you create a routine where bedtime feels lack…less like it’s looming and more like something that came out a loom. Like, you say…I didn’t realize that juxtaposition of words there ‘til just now but I mean for me, a lot of times it does feel like bedtime’s looming, or in the past, even more so. We’re gonna take that word and we’re gonna put it through the loom. We’re gonna…this may be the first time this has ever happened but we’re gonna take you, the word ‘loom’ and…or connotations around you. No, we’re not here to put you through the ringer, loom.
We’re here to put you through the…we’re gonna…we’re here to take some of your raw…would you mind if I borrowed some of your natural essence and raw materials? Maybe some of your…do you have any quarks or dark matter within you, loom? It feels like it; when I say loom, I could sense…especially between those o’s. I don’t know if you knew this but your o’s are…apparently, they’re full of dark matter which is maybe one of the essential building blocks of the universe. You’re really important. I was just thinking…and this will be a metaphor ‘cause that’s what I try to do with the intros, loom, is create a metaphor of what the podcast is so that bedtime…some people listen to the intros as part of their bedtime routine, as part of their wind-down.
Some people fall asleep during the intros, a few people skip the intros, some people loom…even listen to the intros during the day for a little relief ‘cause they’re…even their day or their afternoon meeting feels like it’s looming. I know you don’t mean to put the…you didn’t put the…you put the loom in gloom but maybe the gloom put…you know what I mean. You say well, I’m just a collection of letters here, Scoots. I’d say that’s right, we’re projecting the meaning on you but there’s also a whole ‘nother meaning and maybe…[01:00:00] ideally for this metaphor, it would be great if they were spelled the same way but I’m not positive about that. I’m also not 100% sure what a loom is or does exactly, loom.
But I was thinking if we look at you and we just massage you a little bit…this is what we do in the intros, and then we send you through that…did…remember…do you remember there was a band called the B-52s? I think they’re…they had a album; it was a secret album. It was called Cosmic Loom. Oh no, you think it was Cosmic Womb? Okay, maybe it was like…maybe it was a double-sided concept album. What’s an album? Well, you’re a young loom, aren’t you? What’s double-sided mean? No worries. It was a playlist. It was a secret playlist or a collection of playlists. A playlist within a playlist; the Cosmic Loom was of course within the Cosmic Womb, waiting to be birthed, so then it could birth as we’re putting you through that loom, something soft and sleepy and something comforting.
Maybe it’s something plush for some listeners. Maybe it’s just a favorite pillow. Maybe it’s a favorite spot or position on the bed. Yeah, you’re feeling it, loom. I can feel you. Yeah, you don’t want a…you just want to be used in sentences, right? Maybe. Yeah, sometimes you…yeah, but you say…yeah, there’s a diversity of meanings to you. I get you. I totally get you. You’re more than your meaning. Anybody ever said that to you? Gary Cherone ever sing to you; you’re more than words and letters, in my book, especially now. It’s like, you’re…we…you’ve become a whole different thing. It’s like you’re wearing a knitted level of layers. Holy crochet. Yeah, go ahead, are you sashaying in your croquette, loom? Okay.
I get it; actually, I was trying to explain what the new listeners…to the new listeners what the podcast was. I got off-track. I’ll be…hopefully I’ll be back with you. Okay, so there’s a intro which we kinda just took a six-minute spin around the loom. The idea of the intro is it helps you wind-down and makes bedtime less serious or L to the double O to the M where you say oh yeah, I’m looking forward to listening to that podcast or well, it’s not so bad. I got Scoots to talk my ear off. The idea of a cosmic loom traveling across the universe, spitting out…spew…I don’t know, spewing or spitting is not what looms do. I guess a cosmic loom would exhale. Oh boy, is that romantic or what? I didn’t think I’d end up with a loom metaphor covered in crochets with pictures of croquettes on there in my arms, but this is wonderful.
But I gotta get back to the intro. There’s the intro, then we’ll have a story, a bedtime story. This will be our episodic series so you could listen to this one and then listen to the other ones; Happiest Holiday Shop. Most of the stories are only kind of holiday-based. They all…actually, I think they all take place before the holidays, so you could listen at any time. They’re just stories about things that loom or cosmically, for sure. Sometimes I string together words; they don’t even make sense. You say well, that was a little loom mix-up. That was when Scoots was running the loom, right? This is loom humor. Okay, that was the end of that one. The loom said that. That’s the structure of the show, then we have some thank-yous at the end. Between the intro and the story we have some business.
That’s the structure of the show. You also don’t need to listen to this podcast. You can kinda listen to it ‘cause it doesn’t always make a whole lot of sense. Once you start…once you open up the possibilities of a loom, cosmically, and you really start to look at it, you say well, I think you’re stretching that a little bit. I said well, I gotta fit it…you know, I gotta get this whole thing through this loom. That’s what I gotta do. I mean, just like yarn, you could say I’m gonna spin you a yarn later or maybe I’m spinning all…yarn about looms and loom. Maybe I’m not getting there but that’s part…the journey is part of the, you know, something, ‘cause I’m here…what was I gonna say? Oh, ‘cause you don’t need to listen to me. There you go; I didn’t even need to…I just had to be myself.
I didn’t need to explain it and in doing so, I did. There’s also no pressure to fall asleep. I’m gonna be here for about an hour to keep you company as you drift off. I believe you deserve a good night’s sleep and I believe I’ll be here to take your mind off of stuff while you cross over, or I’ll hold your hand or walk at your side. Picture me with…I guess it’s…they say you can’t wear a sloth but you could wear a loom covered in some sort of crochet outfit around your neck, like it kinda is hanging off me like a sloth, even cuter if that’s possible…while you drift off. No pressure to fall asleep, no pressure to listen. I’ll be here all the way to the end even if you can’t fall asleep because I’ve been there sleepless and there’s other listeners that are sleepless, too. That’s why I’m here to the end. That’s why I give it my all.
That’s why there’s at least 299 other episodes you could listen to if you need to. The podcast is here to help and the reason I make this is ‘cause I know how it feels out there. I know how it feels to be a loom. You say well, you’re just going around making everything feel ominous. You say well, I’m just…yeah, like we already discussed. I say well, let me put a crochet…what if I dress you up in a crochet outfit? What if…also, here’s an…here’s just a pitch, loom; what if we…what if I got a crochet outfit and then we did a skit where we sang Dress You Up As My Girl from Madonna? I mean, I know it has a whole different meaning, but I could dress you up in crochet. I think…no…well, think about it. Maybe I could just do it with a non-real version of you or maybe I could…oh, just do it in my imagination.
Okay, I could do that. I was just thinking that would be a good song to sing, is I’m Dressing You Up, or I could just do it in the mirror; you’re right. On my own time? Okay, I got you. I hear you. I don’t think there’s anything less ominous than that; that’s what I was just gonna say. But I’m here if you’re listening, if you’re new, or you’re a regular listener. I don’t know. I want you to feel a little bit less alone. There’s a lot of other people listening to this show right now and they’ve been there, too. I know it’s not easy being human. I really, truly believe you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. This is my little part to keep you company, maybe to make you giggle or at least put a strange…I guess I didn’t realize I was…I put the jux in juxtapose sometimes. Oh, the loom’s already cracking jokes.
It says yucks…it was a different kind of yuck. Hilarious. Why don’t you get your own podcast, loom? Sorry, I didn’t mean to be that aggro. I was just…you threw me off. Usually I don’t become…do you…does…quick question; do you have a best friend? Are you looking for a best friend? Awesome. If you’re new, give this show a few tries. See if it helps. If not, there’s a lot of other podcasts out there. I think I heard from a podcaster who makes a podcast called Sleepy and he does some readings in a monotone voice, a little bit different than Sleep With Me, but it’s similar in some sense. You could check that out. There’s LibriVox, there’s plenty of other options but yeah, that’s a couple other things but yeah, give this show a few tries. I hope it helps you ‘cause I truly believe you deserve a good night’s sleep. I work very hard and I strive, and thank you so much for coming by. Here’s a couple of ways we keep this show going.
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