930 – Great Electric Slide | As The North Pole Turns Chronicles E1
The year is 1982 as Claude Neon visits the North Pole to help resolve some melodrama in the most meandering way possible.
930 – Great Electric Slide | As The North Pole Turns Chronicles E1
[START OF RECORDING]
SCOOTER: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and friends beyond the binary, it’s time for the podcaster who…we’re gonna go over the river and through the woods and then back around, through meanders…around Meander Town and then back again because it’s time for Sleep With Me, the podcast that’s not about the journey or the destination; it’s about the places that are neither and neither, the things you barely pay attention to on your journey. It’s time for Sleep With Me. You might be confused; you’re in the right place. The podcast that puts you to sleep.
INTRO: Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever is keeping you awake. It could be thoughts, things on your mind that you’re thinking about. So thoughts, thinking stuff. Thoughts, it could be feelings, like emotions coming up about the thoughts or just that are there. They could be…they appear…sometimes they appear, sometimes they arrive, sometimes they’re already there waiting. You say, how’d you get in bed so fast?
I didn’t even know you were…oh, well, I’m here waiting for you. Come on in. Just waiting for you. I’m sorry, because you’re in a bath robe. Yeah, I don’t see your name tag. Are you regret or my forlorn…oh yeah, it’s me, forlorn malaise. I don’t know; is that really a thing? Forlorn…? Doesn’t being forlorn lead to malaise? Well, we could see where things lead tonight. Hop in bed with me and we’ll see where it goes. Okay, I don’t know what Sigmund Freud would say about this conversation, but okay, so, I’m having feelings about it, so that’s what that example was for. It could be feelings, could be physical sensations which I don’t want…I do have physical sensations sometimes connected to forlorn malaise or being forlorn or feelings of malaise. Here’s what’s strange; I probably said this before.
When I say malaise, I don’t feel malaise. I almost feel like the dawn of a night of malaise is breaking. Is that anything like what’s his name from the…those books where you say their name and then…? Wait, those books in those movies, you’re not supposed to say their name. That’s what Malaise would say; say my name. I’d say well, when I do, Malaise, it makes me feel good, especially because if you’re a regular listener, you know that one of my favorite things to do nowadays is imagine I’m at a Renaissance Fair. Anytime I see anyone that looks like they’re a royal…from a Royal Court, I say Malaise? Especially the Queen’s Court. I say Malaise? Good day, Malaise. They say, did you just drop that ‘d’ when you said m’ladies or are you calling us a group of malaise? I say oh, no, no, no.
I’m really just trying to introduce the sleep podcast and I got…oh, go…what would they say? Move along, then. Thank you, Malaise. M’Grace…Your Grace, My Grace, and Malaise. Anyway, so, thoughts, feelings, could be physical sensations, it could be something else that’s keeping you awake. Whatever it is, I’m here to take your mind off of that. Believe it or not, if you’re new, yeah, that’s what I’m here to do while you fall asleep. What I’m attending to do…intending to do, is create a safe place where you could set any of that aside. I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night, here. I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones. Oh, so creaky are my tones. You’d say, how creaky are they, Scoots? I’d say, they make…I don’t know how…they’re pretty creaky.
I’d say, if I’ve not…I’m not good with jokes, especially ones that have punch lines. But I’d say, so creaky that they make you forget about the door that’s squeaky. You’d say okay, well, keep working on it. Okay, so, but I’m…send my voice…creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents. So, I’m gonna go off-topic, I’m gonna get mixed up, I’m gonna go backwards, then I’m gonna go forwards. I’m gonna pause like that, I’m gonna use filler words, and barely ever get to any points. The whole idea is that’s what takes your mind off of stuff while you fall asleep. I’m really just here to be at your bedside. Now, my regular listeners know that yeah, the kind of intro…hi, regular listeners. Hello. Hi, how are doing? Good to see you. Sorry about those other listeners. I’m just focused on you, now.
Yeah, how’s your evening going? Okay. Oh yeah, no, I know; I don’t want to…I’m not trying to make you the center of attention. Did you remember when I talked about malaise? Do you take your sandwich with malaise or without malaise? Malaise; the sandwich topping you don’t really want. Malaise; have it with a harrumph. You say, is a harrumph a sandwich or something you say when you’re having…? Well, I say well, what if it was like the animated character that helped us sell jars of malaise? It’s like an imaginary, grouchy friend; Harrumph. You’re having a malaise sandwich and you’re feeding it to your imaginary friend, Harrumph. How come there’s never been an imaginary friend named Harrumph? I mean, I’m not kidding. We talk about the big ones. I guess there’s Oscar the Grouch.
Who is Oscar’s best friend? Snuffaluffagus, or was…Snuffaluffagus was kinda best friends with Big Bird. Oh, Oscar was friends with that worm. What was that worm’s name, right? Is a worm…I’m sure someone will let me know. There was a worm or some sort of…yeah, like a pre-butterfly. Maybe it was a caterpillar. You know, to me, caterpillars and worms are different. I realize that, but I hold them with the same level of reverence. I prefer not to hold them because I want them to run free and be…have their own freedom, and I want to mind my own business and just appreciate them from afar. Also, I have this new thing I’m doing; pandering to beings in case they become sentient. If my harrumph becomes sentient, you know, I say well, I gave you those sandwiches, so…but yeah, but they were coated with malaise. Well, I just…because I like saying that.
Will you take it with…should I put malaise on both slices or just one slice? Do you see me doing the fancy TV commercial, spreading with a knife, back and forth sweeping motion? That’s how I spread my malaise. Anyway, sorry, new listeners. Whatever’s keeping you awake, I’m here to take your mind off of that. Oh, that was for regular listeners. Yeah, sorry new listeners, I’m back. I just had to pander to…just in case any caterpillars are listening, or worms. That way, I got my bases covered for the…hopefully that’ll tide them over for a few years. They say well, when caterpillars took over…I say well, that was 2020. Remember? I recorded something about you. They say Scoots, it’s 2024. First of all, also, we have everything on videotape, or, you know, mental memory bank. I say, what did I…?
They say well, you really didn’t stop and…you stopped and smelled the flowers. You didn’t sigh and look lovingly and longingly at enough caterpillars. I say, is it too late for me to start trying? Because I’m looking longing and lovingly at you, dear leader, and your court. Do you mind if I call you Malaise? I mean, I realize I don’t want to project anything onto you since you’re a sentient caterpillar leader. Okay, you’re right; I’ll get back to the intro. Okay, so if you’re new, a couple things you may have noticed already; the podcast is very different, so that’s one thing. I really go off-topic a lot. You’re right. If you’re new, most listeners say [00:10:00] give it two or three tries. The only reason people say that…because I say well, it takes two or three tries.
One, you gotta get used to the creaky, dulcet tones, then the second try you might get used to the pointless meanders and superfluous tangents. Then the third try, you kinda realize oh, you don’t really listen to the podcast. You just barely, kinda listen. That’s one part of it, is just…just kinda barely kinda listen to me. The other thing is that this podcast really isn’t here to put you to sleep. I’m just here to keep you company while you fall asleep. I’m here to be your bore-bud, your bore-friend, your bore-companion, your bore-sib, and take your mind off of stuff. That’s why the shows are around an hour, to give you plenty of time to fall asleep, or if you wake up or if you can’t sleep, or if you need a break during the day, I’m here to keep you company. That’s really what my job is, is to barely keep you engaged.
But I work really hard on the show because you know, I throw those things that are like jokes…they’re 40% jokes with…you know, 40% of the joke, 0% of the punchline; Sleep With Me. Now with double the malaise. You’d say mm, malaise. That’s how I like my sleep podcast, with a side of harrumph. I’d say well, it’s with Harrumph at my side. That’s my new side…yeah, I don’t want to call you a sidekick. Don’t worry, Harrumph. My new partner…well, that’s a little bit strong ‘cause that would mean that I’d have to consult you on everything. Will you just say harrumph? Yeah, I don’t know if I can handle that. I already have many, many…what do they call those when you have multiple parts of you where…with back-ups? You know, I have so many different…yeah, whatever parts of me that already harrumph about things or stronger criticisms.
I don’t know if I…what if you say harrumph? Okay, think about it. I’ll get back to you. Okay, so this is a podcast you don’t really listen to. It doesn’t really put you to sleep. You say well, what other information do I need to know? ‘Cause I’m not sure how to feel about any of this. I would say well, that’s understandable ‘cause this podcast, yeah, it’s very different. Other things that are different is the structure of the show. This could really throw you off, so I’m gonna point it out to you. Of course, it’s a little late; some people may have already said…so, the show starts off with a greeting; ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, friends beyond the binary. That’s so you know you’re welcome and you’re seen. Then there’s an intro. Oh no, then there’s business.
The business is about six minutes, eight minutes, I don’t know. That’s how we get to bring you the show twice a week for free. Then there’s the intro. Now, the intro is about twenty minutes long, maybe sixteen minutes sometimes, maybe eighteen, maybe seventeen, maybe fifteen, maybe nineteen, maybe twenty-four. It’s where I introduce the podcast every single time which is what a normal intro would be, but then I go off-topic and I kinda just see where things go. I follow the…I go on a pointless meander and a superfluous tangent. The reason I do that is because well one, that’s what I’m…how I’m trained. I’ve been training to do this for years and years and years. But also, because the show…the idea is, it eases you into bedtime, right?
The intro creates some distance between the daytime and the sleep time. It’s kinda like audio dusk. You’d say yeah, maybe, Scoots. I’d say yeah, it’s like audio dusk, dusk audio. Dusk Audio; the solution that Scoots just came up with. It’s like audio; you don’t listen to it and it doesn’t make any sense. It’s Dusk Audio, now with extra malaise. Harrumph. What was I saying? Oh, the intro; it goes on and on and on because as you become a regular listener, you say oh, I start listening before I get into bed or I’m getting comfortable or I’m slowly falling asleep. It just gives you a little bit of a way to slowly land into bedtime. That’s the intro, then there’s business between the intro and the story. That’s the essential business, and then there’s the story.
Tonight, it’ll be our modular episodic series with a touch of soap-operatic action, North Pole…As the North Pole Turns, or something. I don’t know what it’s called yet ‘cause I haven’t recorded it, but so, that’s…then there will be the story, then there’s thank-yous. That’s the structure of the show. Those are the kinda other things you need to know. The other things that are important are you, you getting the…you deserve a good night’s sleep. It’s important to me that you get the sleep you need. That’s really why I make this show and not only do you deserve a good night’s sleep; I believe our world will be a better place if your world’s a better place. If you get some rest and you get some solace, life’s gonna be better for all of us.
I think those are the things…I’m trying to think…I was trying to figure out anything else. I mean, that’s what’s important. Yeah, I think that’s it. I’m glad you’re here. I really appreciate you checking this show out, and I really appreciate your time. I work very hard. I yearn and I strive, and I really want to help you fall asleep. Thanks again for coming by, and here’s a couple of ways I’m able to bring you this podcast twice a week.
Hey, everybody. This is Scoots. Welcome to our limited holiday…but this is actually a series you could listen to any time of the year and in any order. It’s our special holiday episodically modular with a touch of seriality…but the seriality is tied up with a bow at every…beginning of every episode, though this does happen to be Episode 1. So, without further ado, here’s the structure just to even make you more comfortable; what’s gonna happen. I’m gonna turn things over…it’s been a while since the two of us have recorded ‘cause he, you know, the great, the loving…the lovely and loving, and I mean that…I mean, I’m sure the love I’ve experienced and the teacher of patience…you say well, why would you get here early?
Well, I don’t know how long it’s gonna take me to drive from Los Angeles to the East Bay, Scooter. I like to leave early. Oh, okay, well, can’t you sit in your car while you…? I just want to see you, Scooter, and also use the restroom. So, but also, so lovely and loving. It’ll be introduced by our Hollywood announcer, then it’ll go straight into the episode. It’s one of those dialogue-only series, though there is a character we follow. It may be a familiar character, though this happens to be more archived audio that I’ve…this was…because of the power of…that I…at my fingertips and within my imagination, this is a archived series that I guess I prepared in the past. The future me may have prepared this in the past.
So, without further ado, I’m gonna turn things over to my friend, my co-worker, and my teacher of so many things including breathing calmly, who will be lying so silently after we record this even I won’t hear him and even I won’t need to sigh; bringer of sighs from Scooter that are off-mic, maker of tapping of my foot, tenser of my shoulders, and acceleration of beating of hearts. I mean, for me, it’s different than other people, but also somebody that just comes up here to record this and also to play…we’re gonna play John August’s game; One Kiss Farm is the title I use for it, which Antonio hasn’t played, but it’s very, very easy to learn. Mr. Antonio Banderas. Thank you, Scooter. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, friends beyond the binary. It’s appreciation for all your kind words.
I’m thinking of all of you when I’m recording this and trying to send my comfort from the past in October, late September 2020 to you. It’s time for an episode of The North Pole…oh no, sorry…[00:20:00] As the North Pole Turns. Whoosh. Season 47, Episode 1, 1982. Yeah, Scooter didn’t write that out; he just told it to me, so I don’t have the order correct. Whoosh. Alright, thanks everybody. This is The North Pole Chronicles, Season, whatever, 47. I don’t know, because now I’m mixed up from 1982, Episode 1. But you can listen to it in any order, so don’t worry about it either, really, unless you like to, then that’s fine. But I offer you the option to listen to them in any order, or just one episode will do it. They’re complete episodes. Alright, goodnight.
Welcome to…1981 is proud to present Season 47 of As the North Pole Turns. When we last left off in our season, audience-hanger, we’re at the opening of the new electronics toy production facility, north of Toy Town in the North Pole. There was a big disruption as many of you may or may not remember from our break when we were off-season, but don’t worry; the newest…we’re about to catch up with the newest visitor, maybe a future resident of the North Pole. We’ll reveal everything and what some would call tedious but some would call comforting and barely distracting exposition. Hopefully this season, they will be the pole the north turns around. We watch and we’re following as Claude Neon walks into an official-looking building at the North Pole in As the North Pole Turns.
Yeah, I’m looking for Balsamica. Balsamica? Yeah, I’m…oh, through there? Thank you so much, thank you. Knock-knock. I’m opening your door. I knocked politely and you said to…hello, hello. I’m Claude Neon. Came here as soon as I could to help get to the bottom of this. Are you Balsamica? I am, Claude. I’m Balsamica. Why don’t you have a seat and get comfortable? Or you could stand and pace around. Thank you for coming. I’m presuming you got my telegrams and messages. I’m very glad you’re here. Thank you so much for your help. I handle all the drama here at the North Pole. I mean, not the theatrical drama; the inner and extra-personal drama that we’ve had a lot of for the last 47 years, but particularly recently.
It’s so important you’re here so we can get to the bottom of things and clear names and move forward with our preparations for the holiday season. I would say that there’s been a cornucopia, a plethora of drama we need your help with, Claude. Thank you for being here. May I say it’s just a pleasure to make your acquaintance. Well, thank you, Balsamica. Yeah, let me see if I understand everything that happened. Let me just take it from the top and we can move forward from there. How does that sound? Claude, that sounds fine, but do you mind if we…now that I’m thinking about it, do you mind if we…now that you’ve sit…sat down or sitting down, would you mind walking? We could walk to the special resting facility where everyone is that was involved in this incident, and we could start our interviews.
We have it set up; I know you work by observational method, so we will go in and I’ll conduct the interviews and you can watch and get to the bottom of this and get to the…I’m really good at stirring up the drama and you’re good at getting to the bottom of things, so I think this is gonna be great. Do you mind if we…well, we’re already walking and talking, Balsamica. Yeah, let me just…so, it’s my understanding this incident is being called The Great Electric Slide and it’s…all started with a big opening. This was one of the biggest openings as part of this new arrangement the North Pole’s been developing over the past few years, and it was being called the Future of the North Pole, the Future of Toys. It was an electronic toy-production facility that had been open and was going to start production of electronic hand-held games and other toys.
We’ve had toys that run on electricity or battery power for some time, but these are toys that involve theatre of the mind, ‘cause I had a look at one; it was called Tether Ball…Team Tether Ball or something and it was just red lines, but it had art around the screen where the red…and you would just move…so, you really had to imagine, though it was quite stimulating for a time. Yes, yes, Claude, go on. Yes, those are the electronic toys this facility was going to produce, along with…it was prepare…it was an expandable, adaptable facility ‘cause Ingle Manny, the head of the now North Pole conglomerate…yes, they said this is the future of toys and the future is here. I think that was what the sign said above the stage that Ingle Manny was on. Is Ingle a Cringle?
Oh, Ingle Manny’s…let’s just focus on the chain of events, not the interpersonals at this time if that’s okay, Claude. Okay, so the…yeah, so there’s the Dark Star Corporation which, in the last few years, has become a part of North Pole toy production so that the North…as a part of some of these accords that were reached between Santa Claus and toy companies…employees of toy companies; that was where they really got Santa Claus. They said well, people work at toy…and at first, I know the elven representatives said well, we elves…it’s our life purpose to make toys. So, as part of the accords, the companies…the toy companies agreed to…it all worked out, right? You would stop making toys for free, I guess was the main thing. You’d make them…and giving them for free. Well, we…yeah, you’re right.
We should. You’re looking at me that the…very…is that not Germaine? That’s like, one of the underlying tensions that could have caused this whole thing, was the tension in the elven community between the purpose of…that’s been growing over the last few years of making toys. Okay, Claude, that’s…over the past few years it’s become unclear to even us here living on the North Pole. We think it has something to do with the Northern Lights, whether that was ever real. So many of us don’t leave the North Pole ever, you know? Most of us, you’re not really allowed to leave and come back, except rarely. Ingle Manny’s one of the few, and the elves that fly with Santa Claus on…that’s all…they’re sequestered. They always have been. They’re an elite team.
That’s, I guess, another underlying tension if you really want to get to it, is we’ve all been wondering. When you start to wonder that way, your life’s purpose, as you said, to make toys, to make children happy, to be giving to children; there’s never free…that was one of the things Ingle Manny pointed out as part of these accords; nowhere in the…what we would call our eleven constitution or the Book of Toy Production translated to your English language that we’re communicating in now. Again, another part of the accords. But that nowhere Ingle Manny pointed out does it say toys will be given away for free, and that relieves some tension, but then the loss of our…was it a myth or…? It was very confusing for us.
Even Santa, throughout history, and even in the book, it says a busy heart is a happy heart, a heart busy producing [00:30:00] toys and joys. Yes, yes, yes. These are underlying tensions. Yes, now we’re producing toys at a wage…apparently a wage some say in the elven community, not a great wage. Again, it was a collective…and we were actually using it to support outside charities, but it was…oh, well, that’s not very much of a donation. Ingle Manny handled all of that, but these are just rumors that were circulating in our community. But yeah, we became employees, technically, of the North Pole Dark Star conglomerate. I guess we still…North Pole…we never…anyway, we’ll…we’re almost here. What else…we should…before we go in, we really should get…I should really get a grasp of what you know and what you don’t know.
Okay, so Ingle Manny was giving a speech to open this facility. Correct. As you quoted here, saying something like as a former Northern Pole elf, you’ve never been more proud to…forged a partnership that lets us continue the important work of bringing joy to children and ensuring the traditional roles of elven toy-makers. These are just kinda — I have it bullet-pointed here — well into the future so that we can continue to be a part of holiday joy. Could not be more proud to have helped in the creation of the support of this electronic toy facility. Also, my elf-in-law, the brilliance of…who’s partnered with my dear child Atlantica…the young toy genius Depianna will be guiding this work. Then, that was the first thing, was Depianna was not present there and said Atlantica, Atlantica, where’s Depianna, your partner?
Atlantica said, but they’re still working down in the archives, working on toy design. That’s when the big disruption happened; out in a crowd someone started telling everyone to leave and that…everyone out now. Get out of the facility. Then there was murmuring in the crowd; what is this person talking about? The different jingle-jangles that let people know to exit the facility started ringing. There’s sleighs and reindeers outside to take you away from here. That’s when Procera appeared. Procera’s a toy-making elf. Previously, in…as your North Pole is turned, Procera was the ex-partner of the head of the wooden toy-maker society. Procera also formally was head of the one group of elven leadership, and even at one time was considered first toy-maker to the Queen. This is all correct, right?
Yes, it is. But in a consensus vote, lost that position…consensus vote by peers connected to this new conglomerate. Procera was anti-Dark Star North Pole…connected to these old myths, or these…old way of doing things which we’re having trouble getting to the bottom of. Even down in the Below World, those myths are a bit blurry. But Procera was well-known to have an all-or-nothing stance which is what caused the consensus vote; was just purely the all-or-nothing stance on electric toys containing these solid-state…but it was hard to say, so then Procera went from that to all-or-nothing; no solid-state toys. It could be mechanically, electronically powered, but anything containing the solid-state technology. Yes, but could we get back to the disruption?
Okay, so Procera came in the room, started yelling for everyone to leave, was very…she was having very strong feelings and said that Procera had used solid-state LED technology because this was at the north end of the North Pole, even, or a north…I guess…huh, never thought about it ‘til just now; if you go all the way…then you start heading south, huh? Yes, but this was in a northern, northern canyon, and yeah, there were some glaciers nearby. These glaciers happened to have a high metal content and Procera…well, go ahead. Yeah, so, Procera said that Procera, in a sense of irony, was using solid-state technology and had equipped some magnets, and also used solid-state technology to separate a piece of the glacier and that the glacier, using the magnets and its natural momentum, was headed towards the facility at a very high rate of speed and would soon be coming there.
That’s right when everything started to rumble, so any elves that didn’t take Procera at Procera’s word exited the facility very quickly for the most part, in a very orderly manner, it says, based on…yeah. Oh, yeah, so then…let’s see. A lot of people started leaving, but then it got very…the shaking and the quaking and the tumbling and the rumbling kinda enforced that Procera was serious, and that gliding the glacier their way…just…I’m sorry, just checking my notes, here. Then the whole facility and everything Procera said…I guess I’m paraphrasing a paraphrase here, unless you have it recorded; taking this whole facility…all of the plans, everything needed for these strong…very strong words that I could…couldn’t…can’t imagine a North Pole elf saying.
Finally, and the North Pole’s connection with electronic toys forever…soon, children will, at least this holiday season, realize something they don’t need; the error of our ways, on and on. A lot of laughing, a lot of walking around, gesticulating. Ingle Manny was just kinda standing there, at first confident until the kinda thing…then trying to reason with Procera. Procera would not listen. Ingle Manny was just kinda saying…then Ingle Manny said to Atlantica, go get Depianna and get the archives and grab anything Ingle Manny’s…or Depianna’s working on, and get them out of there. Preserve your partner’s hard work. Atlantica ran off. Most of the attendees had gone. Ingle Manny was remaining. Then the building had determined that the structure itself was anticipating the arrival of the glacier.
Ingle Manny was trying to decide what to do. He’s still trying to talk Procera into shutting…or stopping and seeing if that was possible, but Procera was speaking and laughing and laughing in a way even that there was tears in their eyes. Then the sense of self-preservation kicked in, or should I wait for my elf child and my…their elf…my elf-in-law? There was also…you kinda hint here; I guess I’m…wonder if I’m getting the [00:40:00] subtext that there wasn’t just actual magnetism with the glacier and Procera; there was some sort of history or magnetism between Ingle Manny and Procera. Then at some point, Ingle Manny was so torn, then the building was anticipating…structurally, its integrity was questioning whether it had integrity anymore because of the hurdling of the glacier.
It even made bumpy-poos and Procera was bumpy-poo’d, and Ingle Manny ran…tried to unclip all the stuff that Procera had with the magnets and the solid-state, but really, that was just a distraction. The real device was somewhere else in the facility, but Ingle Manny never knew that. That was only determined afterwards because when Procera was…but Ingle Manny grabbed Procera, realizing that the facility…they ran out. Well, Ingle Manny was carrying a resting…gently in their arms, Procera. Of course, probably pretty worn-out from that intense public discourse. They ran out to a sleigh and headed off. So, that was them. Now, Atlantica never got to Depianna. According to Atlantica, the de-structuring of the…Atlantica wasn’t seen ‘til after, but you and Depianna…so, you were somewhere in the facility.
You were trying to get Depianna back up for the speech before Atlantica, and Depianna ended up hearing you close the door, then got you, but also managed to remove a bunch of blueprints which is…means that Procera’s thing was not successful. But really, the real reason you brought me here was this other Abies. Abies was, as far as we know, was in another…and we’ll talk to Abies after in the elven time-out facility at this time, because I had been hired before all this happened which is even…but this seems…you think this has something to do with it, but Abies is about to be ex…what do you call it? Excommunicated? Banished from the North Pole for lying to Santa. I’m supposed to be here to clear Abies’ name. I guess I’m having trouble figuring out…but I guess that’s my job, is to get to the bottom of this, dig through this drama.
Now, is anybody digging through the electronics facility? No, it fell…there was a crevasse that opened, and it fell into the crevasse. Oh, interesting. Well, so, yeah, like you said, you’re gonna go do the interviews and you seem to be very…like you said, you handle the drama here, so you could stir up some melodrama, maybe. I can observe while you work. Yeah, just…you just be yourself when you do these interviews and I’ll kinda try to read between the lines because yeah, this is something. I have a question for you; so, this is your first time here in the North Pole, but yet you don’t seem…you seem so calm and we rarely allow outside visitors. Well, yeah, this is my job. I’m Claude Neon and I’m here to get to the bottom of this, and that’s it. Okay, well, we’re gonna go into Depianna’s room.
Depianna’s about to be visited by Atlantica. But I’m gonna go in first, so you just watch from this…okay. Knockety-knock, I’m opening your door, Depianna. How are you? You look…that was quite a thing we went through and I know…you really got me out of there. I didn’t get you out of there and I owe you a lot, but I know you took a…that was an intense thing and you took a couple bumpy-poos, and for some reason, you put a lot of the blueprints…you tried…I noticed you trying to eat blueprints which was confusing, too, to me. That’s what you were doing when I came into your office and found you there. Oh, hello Balsamica; yeah. Well, I was just snacking. This is a way I recycle things, is…and I just wanted to protect some of the blueprints ‘cause I could feel the rumbling, and I knew something…and then I heard the jingle…yeah, I heard the jingle and the jangling.
Oh, I thought I’d got down there before that. No, no, no, I mean, I think I heard the jingle and the jangling and then I started…I don’t know, I’m just not feeling great, Balsamica. What else happened? Nobody’s telling me anything, and I’m just not happy. Atlantica still hasn’t come and visited me. I don’t know why Atlantica didn’t come downstairs. You came down. I mean, I’ll be honest with you; since we’re alone, I wanted to be…I don’t know, I like it when she comes and invites me to things. It makes me feel good. I know it’s a bit…not the way to get…I could be clearer about my motivations, but when I don’t show up to stuff, then she comes and gets me. It gives me a little thrill. It makes me feel good. So, I was expecting her to come and get me. I knew Ingle Manny would send her down.
Where did Atlantica go? Well, we don’t know. It’s the strangest thing, Procera. We don’t know where…Atlantica got out unscathed. Atlantica’s on their way here. Oh jeez, I mean, I have a little bit of a tummy-ache, a tum-tum, but I just…if you could tell Atlantica I can’t see them because my tummy…just between you and me, Sam’s sleeping off a very tummy-tum-tum-tum. Could you do that? Could you go out of the room before they arrive and just close my door and the blinds, please? Can you flip the sign that says Resting with a Tummy-Tum-Tum-Tum out there, please? I can do that Depianna, but I mean, shouldn’t you handle it yourself? Oh, sorry; it’s too late. Oh, hello, Atlantica. I was just…I saw you walk by the room and then you seemed like you were headed in another direction until you detected me looking at you through the window, walking by.
Did you not know this was Depianna’s room? Depianna’s sleeping now. Oh, no, Depianna’s just…we woke Depianna up, talking. No, no, I was looking for…oh, hello, my Depianna-poo. Excuse me, I’m gonna go out of the room. Oh, Depianna, ever of my green…the pine that softens my forest floor. How are you? Oh, hi, Atlantica. I have a tummy-tum-tum. I was hoping you would come and put your hand on my forehead, but…well, I have something that might help your tummy feel a bit better. You know how they said it wasn’t possible for us? They said it could never happen, but I have really big news that just the two of us would share and no one else would know about it. It could be something we could share joyfully, just the two of us, is that I’m with cone. What do you mean, you’re with cone?
They said that wasn’t…I’m with cone. Okay, we should just stop [00:50:00] watching now. Oh, they’re just quietly holding one another. Okay, well, so, alright. Who are we moving on to next? Ingle Manny’s room, right? Ingle Manny and you have been in a relationship in the past, correct? Yes, that’s correct, but you could watch…actually, let’s just turn the other way. Close that window-mirror and just look at this one, and I’ll go in Ingle Manny’s room. Hello, Ingle Manny. Hello, Balsamica. It’s good to hear your voice. That was one intense thing. I hear you and Depianna got out together. Thank you. Oh no, I’m thanking…I thanked Depianna for…it was Depianna’s doing that got me out of there. That was intense, almost as intense as I feel when I see you. Oh, Ingle Manny.
So, you’re always looking to stir up those old feelings, but some things are deep below the snow. Yeah, yeah, I get it, I get it, but I don’t get it. How was Procera doing? Procera? Oh, do you mean your child, Atlantica? Atlantica’s unscathed. Oh yeah, I meant both Atlantica and Procera. How are both of them? Well, like I said, Atlantica’s unscathed. I haven’t seen Procera yet. Obviously, it’s a complicated situation; recovery and time-out at the same time, but the recovery’s taking place first. I’m sure they let you know that most of the…all of the facility’s gone. But Depianna did get some of the solid-state things out, under the arm. I was under one arm and a few of the blueprints…I guess the essential solid-state circuit boards, they call them? They searched…they find anything at all?
Well, I found something, actually. It was the strangest thing; when I was…went up there to look, I found a diary. Oh, really? Was it a diary or a journal? Because…was it a diary or a journal? Well, that’s a good question; what’s the difference, Ingle Manny? Well, the difference; a journal’s more of a…hm. Like, they’re…a diary and a journal…hm. Usually a diary…nevermind. Did you look? Well, it’s private. I just kept it and we’re looking into things. We’re trying to get to the bottom of all this. What do you mean get to the bottom of all this? There’s nothing to get to the bottom of. It’s pretty straightforward. I mean, unless there’s something I don’t know about. Well, I mean, do you keep a journal or a diary? Do I? I mean, no.
That would kinda sound like…it just was…you just found it? It sounds suspicious to me, for sure, because if I did keep a diary like I did when I was…let’s say when I was a youth, I kept a diary, and I had a little lock so that any of my siblings couldn’t mess with it in our community, or I kept it hidden. That’s where I’d keep it, right? It wouldn’t be just somewhere. Well, what if it was hidden because of the structural integrity of the facility? Yeah, but doesn’t…that’s…doesn’t that sound a little obvious to you? But anyway, I don’t know what a diary would tell you that the exact nature of events didn’t tell you. Procera, why don’t you just go talk to Procera and get to the bottom of it? I need to rest, actually. Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, Balsamica, the last time I kept a diary or a journal, I remember how it ended.
It ended with a kiss, or my feelings after a kiss…my last kiss with you. So, maybe you found that one. Oh, no, I mean, I remember that kiss. I do, and I know that our relationship didn’t always work out the way…relationships don’t always work out the way that you want them to, right? People keep…sometimes diaries are to keep feelings and not secrets, or journals are meant to keep those things. Anything else you would have put in there? Let’s just talk this out, other than your feelings about me, and then I can…I’m sorry that we had different ideas and different hopes and dreams we didn’t share. I mean, this is a time of catharsis right now, when everything’s been brought to the surface, Ingle Manny. This is your chance to tell me anything.
I mean, you were the child of…you were a single elf-child, single elf-parent. Your elf-parent was the amazing Arizonica. It couldn’t have been easy. Well yeah, Balsamica, there is something I’ve never told anyone else, and before the amazing Arizonica moved on to a place beyond, they told me that my other parent wasn’t even an…oh, what’s that? Is that the jingle-jangle…? Could you go look into that? I think it’s a…could you finish your thought please, Ingle Manny? No, no, no, I need to rest. I need to rest. Thanks. I’ll talk to you later. Go look into the…oh, they stopped ringing the jingle-jangles. I’m falling asleep; goodnight. Okay, okay. Well, oh, hi, it’s me. I just walked out of that room, as you saw. Interesting things we’re learning so far, don’t you think, Claude?
I guess, but…okay, why don’t you go talk to Procera? Okay, we just…you go in this room here and then I’ll go in…oh, knock-knockety-knockety-poo, Procera. You have a visitor here for you. Oh, hi, Procera. Well, hello, Balsamica. Procera, what…how are you feeling today? I’m very confused. Why am I here? Why can’t I…? I know I’m supposed to rest, but I don’t understand what I’m doing here in a time-out recovery room. I’m not opening my eyes. I recognize your voice. I just feel like I’m in some sort of misty, strange sleep place. Is there someone else in the room with us? No. I can feel some…it feels like someone else is here with us. No, there’s no one else here. Well, I feel someone shifting and…oh, it’s just me, dear. Anyway, so, you’re feeling misty and confused.
Have you…has anyone talked to you? Yeah, they talked…everyone’s talking about the incident and they said I was involved in an incident with the electronics facility and that a glacier landed on the electronics facility? Yes, yes, yes. Yes, do you remember anything else about what happened before or after it? Well, after it, I got…no, I just know that it was lying here and I said well, why can’t I leave? They said we need to keep you safe. I said, safe from what? Then they just said well, there was an incident with a glacier. Well, Procera, I’m gonna be honest with you because this might not be easy for you to take with your eyes closed and things feeling misty, but I’m gonna tell you it’s real. You were responsible for the glacier, or at least you made a speech that said you were.
Everything would make…would just fit that you caused the glacier to destroy the electronics facility. Everything within it, every scrap of electronic [01:00:00] solid-state knowledge in the world is gone now other than what’s left in the mind of Depianna who is on account…Depianna is no one…so, it’s a sad time out there, I guess, and you’re the one that seems to be responsible for it. A lot of people saw you. You made a bunch of speeches, a very long speech that indicated that you were responsible for it. You don’t recall any of that? No, I don’t recall. I thought you said you were here to help me. Well, I am; I’m always…that’s what I’m here to help, help people with their drama. Well, it doesn’t…it sounds like you’re here to tell me bad news and then set me up for consequences. No, no, no.
I just wanted to be honest with you since no one had told you. Well, I’m not feeling great after that news. Well, I can understand no one would feel great after that news if you really…I was also just trying to see if you were pretending or not. I guess I’ll be honest with you about that, that you were pretending not to remember. Well, I don’t remember and I don’t appreciate it, and I’m not pretending. If you were really worried about it, you’d know that what I’m most worried about is…I don’t know if anyone ever told you this…what did no one ever tell me? You know, that I…did you ever hear that I had a twin? An elven twin? What? Yes, an identical elven twin. They left the North Pole when I…when we were just very little children. It was a big secret.
I’m telling you now because I think you could put T, W, and I and N together to figure out that the reason I don’t remember is the likelihood that my twin has returned. Now, I’m going to rest. Thank you for visiting me. Oh, boy. Okay. Okay, rest well, Procera. I’ll see you soon. Okay. Hi, Claude, what do you think? So, they were born a…okay, so, I think I need to sit…maybe…is there a spare room where we could sit down? Like, a double room we could lie on the beds and talk this out before…and then we could go see Abies next? Yes, go…let’s…it’s this room right here. Okay, so Procera has a twin. I’d say dun-dun-dun, separated at birth. Not at birth, though; at some point in their childhood. A secret twin. I don’t know if that’s…do we know if that’s true or not?
Well, a secret twin is always very dramatic, Claude, so I don’t know. But it would be a dramatic twist, for sure. Either way, Procera believed everything they said. Would you agree to that? I would. Then Atlantica is with child, with cone. That’s what you say; with cone. Yes, it’s…anyway, we don’t need to get into the specifics of elven reproduction here. But yes, we say with cone. Now, that was something that was supposed to be impossible for that couple. Well, which…is it one of those specific to the couple or specific to an…well, that’s…I can’t get into that. That’s not drama. That’s personal, but I’m very surprised. That’s another twist I did not expect at all, was that Atlantica and Depianna could be with cone. Okay, so, that’s…you’re…that’s revealing to me, but it is dramatic. Holy moly.
Then Ingle Manny seemed to be ready to admit…Ingle Manny has a very famous parent, amazing Arizonica who’s…I do already know from my research on the way to the North Pole. One of the great tactile toy-makers and author of the Tactile Toy Manifesto which is a guiding principle of elven toy production which kinda flies in the face of these electronic toys, though they do have the buttons…they do…well, maybe doesn’t, I guess. I don’t know. But it seemed like Ingle Manny was going to say…I mean, did you feel like you felt the second part of that sentence? I do. I think that Ingle Manny was saying that Ingle Manny’s not a full elf which would be very…quite another twist to all of this. Well, also, you and Ingle Manny were in a relationship; you didn’t know that?
No, and there’s one more thing you should know before we go to talk to Abies who also…who’s name we have to clear. Well, it seemed like we have to clear Procera’s name if there’s another version of Procera running around. Well maybe, but we’d have to get to the bottom of where Procera was. Well, Abies and I were also in a relationship, and Atlantica and I. Depianna, kind of. Abies, Atlantica, Depianna, Ingle…yeah, so, just…or Abies and I were recently…now, no, you’re from the southern world, so it’s different up here. You know what I mean? No, I understand. I’m not in any judgment at all. Very dramatic that we’re going to clear the name of someone you were recently in a relationship with. Kinda confuses things a little bit. It does. Let’s rest.
I think one thing I know and I think you’ll agree on, Claude, is if we take a nap, we’ll be more prepared. Well, you’re certainly right about that, so I agree. Let’s take a nap and get back to it later. Okay, goodnight, Claude. Goodnight. This is Claude Neon reporting. I like how that sounds. What do you think of that? Well, it’s very soothing, Claude. Claude Neon reporting to Balsamica on my thoughts thus far. Goodnap.
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