907 – U Talkin’ Newt 2 Me?

EPISODE 907 – U Talkin' Newt 2 Me?

[START OF RECORDING]

SCOOTER: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and friends beyond the binary, it’s time for the podcaster who’s talking in…these are like, sing-songy monotones.  The Monotones; maybe I’ll talk about that in the intro.  Have I ever talked about…?  I don’t think I have.  Thanks, patrons.  I wouldn’t have thought of that if I didn’t pause to thank you to start the show, so thanks so much and thanks for supporting the podcast.  Let’s get on with the show.

 

INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing?  Trouble getting to sleep?  Trouble staying asleep?  Well, welcome.  This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  We do it with a bedtime story.  Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play.  I’m gonna do the rest.  What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake.  It could be things you’re think…things on your mind.  Clearly there’s a lot of that, you know.  Thoughts; so past, present, or future, feelings, anything emotionally coming up for you.  It could be related to thoughts.  They could just be there.  You say well, hello.  Not the most opportune time to meet you, feelings, but I could see you’re here now.  Then that’s where I come in and help, or physical sensations which is kind of the same thing.  You say, oh boy.  It could be other stuff inside or outside you or where you are, or you know, it…whatever it is that’s keeping you awake, I’m here to take your mind off of that.

 

What I’m gonna do is I’m swirling up a safe place.  Oh boy.  Some people will say that stone soup is the greatest gift…whatever, traditional…what do you call that?  Folk stories have given us.  The greatest thing that’s ever been stirred in a cauldron before, other than the magical stuff which, of course, you say well, okay.  But I’m swirling up a safe place.  Oh boy, no…don’t worry, there won’t be any eyes of newts in this safe place unless you’re a newt and then your eyes would be closed, so there technically ideally won’t be any.  I mean, you could open your eyes.  If you’re a newt and you’re listening, can you send me an e-mail, please?  That would be so cute, watching you send…would you send your e-mail by tail or with your pawsy-poos or whatever you call them?  Also, if you do…if you can send me an e-mail, newts, just go to sleepwithmepodcast.com.  Use the Contact link.  Then you don’t have to remember anything.

 

What do you think of that Geico…do you ever…oh, yeah, another question; do you watch television?  Two; do you know what television is?  Three; if you’ve ever watched TV, you’re familiar with that gecko.  Just wondering.  Also, what do you think of…what’s the deal with magic…is that something on your…I don’t know.  Do you have the equivalent of a driver’s license where you could say yeah, sure, happy…give my eye of newts to…when the time comes, I volunteer my…for those magical potions but otherwise stay out of my business.  I’m just here…I don’t know.  Are you a salamander?  Do you know I almost know nothing about newts?  I mean, I remember a famous movie character named Newt.  Probably more than one.  Oh, Newt Scamander.  I wasn’t even…think of that.  I don’t think that’s how I say it.  Is his name Newt Scamander?  ‘Cause then it’s like, did I ever talk…I know I’ve talked about Newt Scamander before.  Commander Newt Scamander, one, that thing.  It is almost like salamander.

 

He’s into beings; he takes care of beings.  I may not be right about any of this.  Also forgot what I was gonna do.  Sorry, I went on a tangent, there.  Oh, I was gonna create a safe place.  Yeah, that’s what I got going in this cauldron here; stirring it oh, so gently.  Now, I’m thinking…now my mind’s full of other things I could go off-topic about.  The Cauldron Cast, the only podcast where I just stir a cauldron.  But so, oh, so what I’m gonna do is…safe place, I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night.  I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents.  Holy cow.  You say man, do you need that many tangents?  I say probably I don’t, but I do.  Lulling, soothing…creaky, dulcet tones.  Like I said, The Monotones would be my doo-wop group or acapella group.  Is doo-wop and acapella…is that like a genre of acapella, is doo-wop?  I’m not kidding.  I got a newt looking at me like first of all, of course we watch TV, when we’re able to.

 

I say well, do you…I don’t think I…I don’t know what your bandwidth is ‘cause I…if I had a safe place, you could come on in and watch as much TV as you want as long as you wear headphones because it’s a safe place, right?  Maybe there’d be a TV room for newts, of course.  Ideally, we could get Newt Scamander as the host of the newt TV room.  Oh, so, I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night.  Lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders.  You’ve already seen a few of them.  If you’re new, you might already be more than a bit mixed up, which is my natural state of being.  Let me give you a couple pieces of information.  One, if you’re skeptical, doubtful, confused, slightly agitated, those are natural.  If this is your first or second or third time listening to the show, totally natural reaction.  A couple things; one, give this show about two or three tries before you give up on it.  You don’t have to do that.

 

You could give up on it right away, but almost all of my regular listeners say it took two or three tries and then I became a regular listener, which I guess is kind of…but give it two or three tries.  Most people are doubtful and confused and slightly…their hackles are slightly raised because what other podcast does someone talk to a newt in the middle…not just…you say well, the newt talk…and talking newts, U Talking to Newts.  That’s by Adam and Scott, I think.  That’s one of my favorite ones; U Talking to Newts.  It’s a podcast with two comedians or an…comedic actors talking to newts about…I forget which band it is.  Some band that starts with 2, but not U2, I don’t think.  Maybe it’s We Talking to Newts or U Talking to Newts.  I don’t know, but it’s a good show.  Oh, what was I talking about, though?  I was talking about talking to newts.  Oh, boy.  What was I talking about?  Okay, if you’re skeptical, that’s perfectly normal.

 

The podcast doesn’t work on everybody but of course, you’d be skeptical; someone talking about and talking to newts, and then talking about podcasts where newts are talked to.  In some sense, if you make a podcast for newts…For Newts by Newts would be another one.  That’s one of my favorite ones.  But if you were making a podcast for newts…maybe the…okay, tonight, totally, we’re going…we’re gonna lean into this.  We’ll do some sort of newt-related podcast.  Let me just rest my brain there on that subject.  If you’re new, just give this podcast a few tries.  Ideally, consume it a little bit loosely because you could just kind of see the podcast is a little bit best consumed out-of-focus versus concentrating on it.  Kind of see how that goes.  What else?  Oh, so what else throws new listeners off?  Oh, this is…yeah, a podcast you don’t need to listen to.  You could just barely kind of listen almost at a mumble, but you can listen.

 

It’s also…while it was a very early sleep podcast and now there’s a lot of different versions of it and corporations doing it and stuff, they…what they don’t realize is this is not a podcast that puts you to sleep; it’s a podcast…once they figure it out, I’ll be in deep doo…deep new-doo.  But this isn’t really a podcast that puts you to sleep.  It’s here to keep you company as you drift off, so that’s one reason why the shows are about an hour.  I want to you let you know if you can’t sleep or you need a break during the [00:10:00] day, I’ll be here to the very end of this episode.  I don’t even know what the episode’s gonna be other than about newts.  That’s another thing I want you to know is if you can’t sleep, I’ll be here for you.  But yeah, this is a podcast…I kind of keep you company, walk at your side.  I’m your companion, your bore-bud, your bore-bae, your bore-bestie, your bore-bruh, your bore-sib, your bore-cuz.  I don’t know…if you’re a newt, I’d say I’m your bore-Scamander.

 

Hopefully, that’s his name.  But so, where was I?  Totally confused.  Yeah, I’m here to keep you company as you fall asleep.  Also, another thing that could throw off new listeners – regular listeners love this part – is the intro and the structure of the show.  So, I’ll explain that to you.  The show starts off with a greeting, then there’s business, about four or six minutes of business or something.  That’s how we’re able to keep the podcast free, and reminders about the business ‘cause that’s how it’s here for you free twice a week.  Then there’s an intro.  The intro is not business-related at all other than the nonsense.  The intro…what was I saying?  The intro is twelve to eighteen to twenty minutes of me trying to explain what the podcast is.  You’ve already seen it in action, and then I just go off-topic.  What I say to myself every intro is…well actually, there is a bit of self-talk that goes into it.  I say, my goal is to explain to the new person what the podcast is.

 

Tell them about the structure, tell them they don’t need to listen, tell them that there’s no pressure to fall asleep.  That’s like a normal intro…a podcast would be about that long.  They’d just say one, two, three.  Talking to Newts.  Today, we’re gonna be talking about that great newt novel, Newton Was Not A Newt.  A tale of a newt exploring the worlds of physics.  They say so, let’s get to it, and they would get to it.  For me, one, I’m not very good at that.  But two, the whole idea of the intro is that you ease into bedtime.  So, some…well, most people start listening before they get in bed.  But there’s no right or wrong way.  Then a lot of other people start listening once they’re in bed.  2% of people skip ahead to twenty minutes.  They start the show at about twenty minutes and then there’s people that listen all night on either Patreon or they just run these stream…the free episodes all night.  But that’s a smaller percentage, too.

 

But so, the whole idea of the intro is that you can…’cause I don’t have a way, personally or professionally, to just instantly put myself or anyone else to sleep or to do it…I mean, sleep and efficiency…we know; you’re listening to this show.  There’s not a lot of overlap for us, unfortunately.  For that other person in bed, they might have the most efficient sleep and the snoring and the blanket-hogging down.  What I’ve seen work is just easing things into bedtime, like a long runway to help you get comfortable and let the day drift away.  That’s why the intro’s about twenty minute…or yeah, twelve to twenty minutes long or so.  If you become a regular listener, you could say well, I think I’m that 2% that skip the intro.  Then you could always change your mind.  That’s the great thing about this show; you could try it every single way and see what works.  Then particularly at this time, a lot of people are listening during the day while they do chores or other daily tasks just to have a mental distraction to take their mind off of things.

 

Those are the things I was gonna talk about.  I think that’s it…oh no, the rest are structure of the show.  Then I guess tonight we’ll be talking about newts in some sense.  The intro will end in a few minutes, then we’ll have some business, then we’ll talk about…we’ll do this newt cast.  I don’t know what it’ll be.  Then we have some thank yous.  So, that’s the structure of the show and the reasons why we do it structurally.  The reason why I make this show, and you probably can read between the lines, is I’ve been there, right?  Tossing and turning, trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep.  That’s where I’m at right now.  Then that becomes a cycle, right?  Then for me, I stop looking forward to bedtime.  Now, I do have a anchor which is my bedtime routine which is why I make the show, too; is I’ve learned that having an anchor or having a keystone or habit or whatever you want to call it, some kind of small bedtime routine at least makes it a little bit easier.

 

If there’s something nice in there or something neutral…in this case you’ll say well, Sleep With Me; I wouldn’t call it nice.  I’d say it’s not half-bad.  It’s 51% pretty darn great, and then 22% meh, yeah.  Then whatever, you could rate it however you wish.  Oh, that’s another podcast; ratemynewts.com.  I’m not into that one ‘cause it’s people…what do they call those?  People that cohabitate with newts.  Not like that, like…what do they call that when you’re a newt caretaker?  Then they’re more into how their newts look, which I say come on, aren’t we…you say, all newts are beautiful.  I don’t know what I was gonna say.  Oh, what was I gonna say?  Structure…oh, why I make the show, because I’ve been there.  I know how it feels and I want to give you something to be a part of your bedtime routine that maybe you could look forward to, or at least it relieves some of the tension there.  That leads into the real why; you deserve a good night’s sleep.  That’s why I make this show and that’s why I hope I can help you, because I want you to have a save place to rest.  As someone that struggles with that, I know no one deserves that, right?

It would be so much nicer for you and your life if you had that.  Hopefully, I can provide that or be one part of it.  That’s what most regular…’cause people have listened to the show now for like seven years, and I get to know some of those people and hear their journeys.  Yeah, now they say well, I have this whole other routine or some people stop listening for a while.  They listen when they’re in university and then they take a break ‘cause then they’re kinda like…and then they get their second or first job or then they start a family, or then we’re going through this thing as a globe.  So, but a lot of people I hear oh yeah, so this is now…Sleep With Me’s part of my bedtime routine, but also these other things are.  Just see how it goes.  If you’re new, I hope I can help you.  If you’re a regular listener, you know how much it means to me to be able to help.  Thank you so much for coming back night after night after night.  I think that’s it.  I mean, I’m glad you’re here.  I work very hard.  I yearn and I strive.  I want to help you fall asleep.  Again, I appreciate you coming by, and here’s a few ways I’m able to bring you this podcast for free.

 

Alright, hey everybody, this is Scoots.  I want to let you know a couple things.  This episode is gonna be about a bunch of new newt podcasts coming to you but this episode I did, I wanted to dedicate it to Harris Wittels.  Harris is someone who made me laugh a lot and I’m gonna have a link to a fund that Harris’ sister Stephanie set up in his memory.  If you want to support that, you can.  Just check it out.  But really, if you want a laugh, you could listen to Analyze Phish with Harris and Scott Aukerman.  It was a podcast where Harris was kinda trying to talk Scott and convince Scott into becoming a fan of the band Phish or all the things that Harris loves about Phish.  It’s definitely worth a listen if you like Phish or you like music.  When I was thinking about newts, I thought of…started thinking about the other Scott Aukerman music podcasts.  I don’t know how to say them.  He does them with the guy with great hair, Adam Scott.  The greatest hair…I say man, if I had that hair, I’d be so successful.

 

I don’t know if the hair comes with the charm and the charisma that Adam Scott has.  But Scott and Adam had R U Talkin’ REM to Re: Me, and then it originally started out with U Talking U2 to Me?  I don’t know, I just thought of…soon as I think of those, I think of Harris and I think of Analyze Phish.  I guess I probably…I guess I kind of blew it ‘cause you said well, you have all this Phish-related episodes that you could have…and I say well, okay.  That’s fine.  But so, that’s it.  I just wanted to do a little setup there.  We’re talking tonight about newts and newt…[00:20:00] we got a big announcement of a lot of new newt podcasts ‘cause I Googled…and believe it or not…don’t Google it because you say oh…and then I…so, there’s not a lot of…there probably are some that I have to dig deeper, but we’re gonna launch a whole new slate of newt podcasts tonight.  But I did want to touch on…before I start a whole new newt…The Newt Network, that’s what we’re calling it, I probably should know some stuff about newts.

 

Where do I learn basic scratching-the-surface-information but Wikipedia?  Believe it or not, I didn’t know this, but a newt…but I did wonder it; a newt is a salamander in the sub-family Pleurodilanae, Pleurodilanae.  The terrestrial juvenile phase is called an eft.  Unlike other members of the family Salamandridae, newts are semi-aquatic, so they can alternate between aquatic and terrestrial habitats.  Not all aquatic salamanders are newts, though.  If you wonder why a newt is so wet, they say well, that’s just because I move between habitats.  I would like to be a newt, I think.  More than a hundred known species of newts are found in North America, Europe, North Africa, and Asia.  Newts metamorph…metamorphose through three life stages; aquatic…like, aquatic being which…a terrestrial juvenile – I think I’ve been in the terrestrial juvenile phase my entire life – or eft, and adult.  Adults have bodies that you’ve seen on other beings before.

 

They return to the water every year to create other newts through…I don’t know.  They like to live in humid, cover-rich land habitats.  The Old English name of the animal was efete, resulting in the Middle English ‘eft’ that was translated into other words.  Then the ‘n’…something happened with that.  This eft was even used in Macbeth, maybe.  Then somehow, it became newt.  I don’t know.  There’s a lot of reading here if you’re interested.  Let’s see, so semi-aquatic, according to this, means they live part of the year in water for that sweet, sweet newt love, is what I call it, where they go…the newt prom, holding hands, and the great newt stork; semi-aquatic stork that brings the newt babies into the sea.  Oh boy, this…most species prefer stagnant water bodies such as ponds, ditches, or flooded meadows – oh boy, a flooded meadow – for newt creation.  Some species such as the Danube crested newt…holy cow, if I could go by a name…the Danube crested newt occur in slow-flowing rivers.

 

Man, look at these newts; the European brook newts and the European mountain newts.  They live in colder, oxygen-rich mountain streams.  During the terrestrial phase, newts live in humid habitats with abundant cover such as logs, rocks, or earth holes.  Never heard of an earth hole before.  Why can’t they call it a terrestrial opening?  Let’s see, they have semipermeable glandular skin, four limbs, a distinct tail.  It’s not as smooth as other salamanders, so don’t get it twisted.  There’s rough newts out there.  External gills when they’re babies, they can regenerate stuff.  Holy cow, a lot of different stuff.  Wow, this is interesting stuff.  Man, it makes me even more want to be a newt.  That’s a little bit about newt development.  We don’t want to get into that.  Wait, there’s something about frogs and toads.  Let’s see, newts…a male newt transfers to a spermatophore which is taken…yeah, they meet up in courtship rituals of varying complexity which take…that’s the prom and the hand-holding…varying complexity.  Some newts just hold hands and then the magic happens.

 

Other newts have to dance or dress up and stuff.  Oh, a single egg-laying…attached to aquatic plants, so not free-floating like frogs or toads.  They even can fold over the leaves.  Cool.  That’s just a little bit about newts.  Those are facts but we’re here…we’re launching this Newt Podcast Network and we’re gonna be…I’m gonna be running through some of the false, late year for 2020; late fall 2020, maybe 2020, 2030, or maybe just one day far off in the future.  We here at the Newt Network will be proudly turning…no, no, I’m gonna turn things over to…Reginald, you’re gonna get to multiple…our network head is Mr. Reginald Cusack who was the designer, brilliant…oh, thank you, Scooter.  This is Reginald Cusack of the Cusacks and The Happily Enrobed robe shop, and I’m here talking about our launch this fall, or one day.  This is our special launch show of a podcast…possibly that could be TV shows about newts and we’re really excited to come up with…well, we were supposed to come up with ideas about shows and podcasts about newts and newt-related things.

 

Our first show that we’re launching’s called Pyramid of Newts.  Scooter wanted to keep this all-audio which I said Scooter, but Pyramid of Newts, that sounds a bit like a reality show.  He said no, no, no, Reginald.  It’ll be a gameshow.  Remember?  Didn’t we do a gameshow one before?  I said Scooter, that may have been before we even met.  When I see it, I see the stage which we would create via audio, not that different than the $20,000 Pyramid.  Then Scooter said well, Reggie…I said Reginald or Mr. Cusack, please.  He said, okay.  Is it gonna be newt…is it a gameshow for newts by newts or is it a gameshow for humans about newts?  I said Scooter, will this podcast network be taking place exclusively in your imagination or is it going to transfer to the real world?  He said Reginald, it’ll take place on the transverse plane, a place where all universes and possibilities intersect, behind a bed and breakfast that Scooter sometimes goes and works at.

 

I said well, in that case, Pyramid of Newts could be a…I guess if it’s audio, it’d probably be a gameshow where maybe we ask…maybe we check in with newts ‘cause we gotta keep it relatable to humans, Scooter, unless you’re switching Sleep With Me to a pure newt cast and then you’d have…would your show be terrestrial or aquatic?  He said Reginald, come on.  You know how long it’s gonna take for newts…you know how long it’s taking humans to adopt podcasting?  It’ll take newts a while.  One day.  For now, Scooter said, why don’t we imagine this, if we’re trying to appeal to the humans out there, one of the requirements, and this could be the great second…the part of the National Lampoon’s movie, the second one…vacation movie; he goes, we have to…come on, Pyramid of Newts.  You have to dress as a newt.  Then maybe it’s just a regular gameshow other than that.  I said Scooter, what if they have to do different kinds of challenges dressed as a newt?

 

I said okay, wait a second, are you talking about a show where humans try to live as newts dressed as newts?  I don’t know if we’d call that Pyramid of [00:30:00] Newts, though.  I said, what about Newt Pyramid?  I said, I don’t know Scooter, I think maybe…’cause just when I say ‘pyramid’, I picture a pyramid of people…then Scooter said, weren’t those…?  No, no, no.  I think you’re right; $20,000 Pyramid with just people dressed as newts.  Then I said Scooter, how does $20,000 Pyramid work?  He said well, maybe it could be a show for newt experts or you have to learn about newts before it, or maybe you use newts to get…’cause I…he goes, isn’t that the show where celebrities try to help people guess things?  I said Scooter, you’re…I’m guessing at everything right now.  He said, orange…let’s just pretend there’s such a thing as…we could use imaginary newts, but a orange-speckled newt.  I said, you’re losing me.

 

He said okay, let’s just pretend the answer that you’re trying to guess is orange, but you have to use a newt to describe it.  I said Scooter, this is gonna be a very niche show.  I don’t even know what niche it fits into.  Scooter said anyway Reginald, so, I would say you have to use…that’s it.  You just have to use a newt to describe everything, so warm like…what did I say the word was?  Oh, yeah; like sunlight, like sunset.  Oh, this newt…maybe it’s the color orange, so we can’t use ‘color’ or ‘orange’.  This sun, what you would drink at…orange…you would paint it on a wall…the color orange.  There, that would be one, Reginald.  Okay, Scooter, could you use one that’s a celebrity?  Okay, should I use a old…a celebrity from the past and a celebrity from the present?  Sure, Scooter.  Okay, this celebrity wears a Hawaiian shirt, drives a Ferrari, privately solves things in Hawaii, a moustache that is…usually has a few buttons open.  Magnum, P.I., Scooter.  Okay, this one is…this one started recording in their home.

 

Not idle or…oh boy, I’m trying to think.  This newt would say…can we use rhymes, Reginald?  Sure, Scooter, but I’m not sure…this newt’s first name would rhyme with ‘silly’.  Okay, Scooter, I got the first name.  ‘Not idle’ rhymes with ‘silly’.  The newt’s second name would…rhymes with…if you said it’s like you’re stomach-ish…Scooter, Billie Eilish.  Correct, right, so that worked.  Okay, so that’s our first show, is Newt Pyramid.  Our second show is recalling…let me just look it up here on the notes.  Oh boy, I guess this is another gameshow; IQ Champion.  Scooter, this is really…and oh, so this is just gonna be Twenty Questions.  Is that right, Scooter?  Yeah, because I think that was…just because I think IQ…I don’t want it to be…feel exclusive or excluding.  I don’t know, the whole IQ thing…it’s great for people that get…whatever, but otherwise…Scooter, what about this?  Here’s just an idea; what if we change it to EQ Champion?  Okay, is that what it’s called?  Emotional…isn’t it EI?

 

Emotional Intelligence, not Emotional…Scooter, I don’t know, but I was just…I was thinking that same thing.  Oh wow, you are onto something.  So, we use personified newts to help people raise their emotional intelligence?  That’s exactly what I’m saying.  That’s what we’re good at, too, is fictional gameshows, anyway.  It’s a fictional gameshow where every week, a newt family comes on or a newt…different groups of newts; fictional, personified, human newts.  Scooter, would this be animated?  Well, it’s gonna be a podcast, remember?  You gotta remember, this is Theatre of the Mind.  Not that I’m an expert at it but so, it would be a podcast of a gameshow.  If you want to animate it in your mind, that’s fine.  Okay Scooter, I’m learning.  Yeah, you’re good at learning.  You’re great at design.  That’s why I have you here, Reggie.  Okay, so each week…so, one time it would be coworkers, you’re saying.

 

Another time it might be students, families, individuals, any…each week it would be a different theme, possibly, Scooter?  Yeah, and they would come on and compete.  Of course, this would be science-backed.  We’d partner with one of the…we’d learn about what we were doing for this one as long as got the funding.  Otherwise, then we’d just totally fictionize…but it…probably best if we’re gonna delve into emotional intelligence to use some emotional intelligence and say, let’s pause and figure out what we’re doing.  Okay, Scooter.  Imagining we have funding to partner with emotional intelligence experts, what would the gameshow be like?  I think we would still probably call…there’s the show The Family Feud, right?  I think maybe we’d use that as a guise and a familiar platform.  We’d have to remake it.  I don’t think we…even though Family Feud is perfect ‘cause you say well, we’re here to undo the feud, but we don’t want to make it too vanilla ‘cause then no one will want to…this is one thing I know, Reggie; don’t…you can’t please everybody all the time.

 

If you try to, then you say well, there you go.  How many saltine crackers does someone have a week?  Except for people that are huge fans of saltine crackers.  Scooter, I have no idea.  Correct; I mean, I’m sure that there…so, it was just…that’s just a fake example, anyway.  But let’s get back to this show.  It’d be newt families.  We’ll think of a name.  Aren’t they called fries when they’re little?  I don’t know.  We’ll think of a name ‘cause we can’t…Family Feud is actually perfect.  What do we call them?  Newt Feud.  We could call it Newt Feud.  We’re calling it EQ Champion?  Is that what you said?  Scooter, that’s what we’re going for.  I guess though, you’d just say EQ Champion and then maybe we have a running joke on the show where people say what does EQ stand for?  I say well, maybe EI?  I don’t know.  I think there’s some company that owns EQ though, so we could partner with them as long as they realize that it’ll be…they’ll be sending the income.  They won’t be receiving it.

 

Scooter, I would presume that most of the emotional intelligence companies are in it for their love of emotional intelligence and not for profit.  Well, you would think…this is for salamanders, though.  It could be a whole different thing.  Newts, Scooter.  Oh, you’re right.  We could have Salamander Week, too.  Scooter, could we have Toad Week?  We could, we could.  Let’s not get carried away, though.  We don’t want to have Bird Week and then we lose our…you know.  Scooter, what would an episode be like?  It would be just like Family Feud.  It’d basically be a copy of Family Feud but we would change around the questions to both…this is where we’d have to be tricky but straightforward.  The questions would…meant to be challenging but also reveal and teach you emotional intelligence kind of by self-discovery.  We’d say survey says…we asked 150 people…I think they’d just say 100 people ‘cause that’d actually…math works out.

 

How long is the most effective eye contact when you first meet someone and you’re trying to [00:40:00] establish rapport?  We’d trim it down; this would benefit…and they’d say…somebody would buzz in and they’d say, whatever.  Green-speckled newt family, you’ve…go ahead.  I’d say, I’m Connie.  Okay Connie, go ahead.  Connie the newt, a red-speckled newt.  I’d say four seconds.  I’d say, survey says…number two answer on the board.  Four seconds, Connie.  I’d say, I’m Edna.  Okay, Edna.  We’re Blue Danube crested newts.  Okay, Edna the Blue Danube crested newt.  Number one answer’s still on the board.  We asked 100 people.  Then you go and do…this is…you say Edna, what’s it like in that…I’ve always wanted to go to that Blue Danube and see how blue it is.  I hear it’s slow-moving.  That’s what makes it good for newts.  Could I just say that you and your family have some of the nicest crests I’ve ever seen on newts before?  Almost balanced by the speckles on the other side.

 

But so, Edna, we asked 100 people what…something, like how long is the most…what’s the ideal amount of eye contact when you first meet someone to establish rapport?  The number two answer was four seconds.  Number one answer’s still on the board.  I don’t know, do you steal or pass?  I don’t know.  Do you want to try to steal or pass, Edna?  I say, I’ll try to steal.  Okay, number one answer’s still on the board.  Two seconds.  Edna’s…okay.  Survey says, we don’t know the real answer, Reggie.  So, I say two seconds, they would steal it, and then they would try to get that.  Then we do the next one.  It’ll be what are the…somebody, somebody once said these are the five A’s of active listening.  What is one of the five A’s of somebody somebody’s active…?  We’d say it so anybody could guess.  A great listening expert on active listening once said there’s five A’s of active listening.  What is one of the five A’s of active listening?

 

Maybe someone would…maybe Larry, the blue…no, no, they’d be the red-speckled newt says ‘acquiesce’.  You say oh boy, Larry.  Larry said, acquiesce.  Survey says no.  Sorry, Larry.  Nice try to use a word to make yourself sound intelligent.  I would have done that too, but this is about emotional intelligence which I’m not exhibiting by my behavior right now this second, Larry, but now I’ll apologize.  I’m sorry for making light of your terrible answer.  Anyway, over here to the Blue Danube crested newt family with the opportunity to steal five…actually, there’d probably be seven answers on the board, two of which are probably wrong, maybe more.  What is one of the five A’s of active listening?  I don’t know, is that when they steal when they can whisper an answer, or is it the other person?  I think that’s the other…say b-b-b, I think ‘acknowledging’.  Show me acknowledging.  Then I say ba-bing, yep.  Oh, that’s the number four answer on the board; acknowledging.

 

Does that make sense, Reggie?  Scooter, that makes a lot of sense.  Can we move onto the next show in our launch here?  Because we’re running a little bit behind.  Yeah, sure, Reggie.  What is next?  Scooter, I’m looking up what is next, and the next show we’re launching is called Strong Pull.  Remember all the other shows I proposed yesterday?  Like, You’re Talking Newt to Me?  Scooter, that’s already a…that would be…would it be a parody podcast of…?  Or Are You Talking to Newts?  Scooter, these are the ones we had listed but those are good ideas, too.  I think those are great ideas.  What about 1-800-NEWT?  It could be a little bit like Beautiful Anonymous.  Larry the newt would probably call in, Scooter, and say jeez, I was on this gameshow, I was a personified newt.  I don’t know what I…I don’t even know what I’m supposed to personify anymore.  Okay, what’s the name of the new show again?  Because I just want to move on, now.  Oh yeah, sure, sure, Scooter.  It’s called Strong Pull.

 

Okay.  Really, this…I wouldn’t have thought of…that doesn’t sound very newty.  Scooter, that sounds like a naughty word even though it’s not.  Newty?  You like that huh, Reggie?  Well, we came up…we used Randomizer to come up with these ideas, Scooter, so that’s how we got Strong Pull.  Well, I like to play against the type, so I don’t want to do a strongest newt in the world though I’m tempted to, especially for a podcast.  I don’t know, so maybe it’s like a…maybe this could be our first audio fiction, Strong Pull.  Yeah, it could be newt…you know I love romance.  I love romanphlets and love that blaze, especially…our great friend Chuck Tingle.  But this could be…ideally, humans would read it, but it would be newt E-R-O-T-I-C…however you spell that.  So, newt newt.  Here’s an idea, Reggie; again, if we had funding, science-based newt fiction with a touch of blaze.  Four newts, but humans…again, I think…maybe it’s teaching…yeah, how about that, Reggie?

 

We teach them…I guess it would be for adults only, but we could teach about the science of newts, or I guess all amphibians because otherwise we’d run out…through newt…these newt roleplaying novels where you’re stealthily learning about…you say well, I didn’t realize the mating rituals of different newt species or amphibian species.  Okay Scooter, so let me just see; I’m trying to think of any not-super-on-the…’cause I know you like the ones with…those aren’t blaze, though, the ones with cowboys and horses and other cow-people.  Yeah, we could do one to…we could do one…I guess…yeah, we’d do A Hand for A Ranch Hand or Two Hands…A Handful of Ranch Hand…Two Hands for A Ranch Hand.  I think A Hand for A Ranch Hand is good.  It could be a story…it could be about…I don’t know any facts…I’m out of newt facts.  But yeah, we could teach…you could use that as the story backdrop; a hand for a ranch hand.

 

I mean, there’s plenty of ways to go with that story, even, in interesting directions.  But we use that to actually teach science-based, fact-based…that we don’t have about newt reproduction.  I don’t know who would consume it but I guess as audio fiction, people might like it.  Be very niche, I guess, again.  Okay Scooter, I just want to keep us on track ‘cause our next show is called Ext Exes.  That’s E-X-E, Ext Exes.  Okay, well, this…I guess this is our Newts After Dark time.  Oof, boy, so this is another show.  This would have to be Newts After [00:50:00] Dark.  So, that first one…I guess if we were doing…we could be the first podcast network…this is…hasn’t been tried ‘cause it wouldn’t work but for us, it might, where we program across the day.  ‘Cause I think most of them are doing…the news networks are trying to do that, the AM and the PM.  But we could do that so you have your science-based one, and then…so, that one’s more titillating with…and you’re getting facts about the newts.

 

But then it’s like Newts After Dark; you’re not gonna learn anything in these ones.  I guess it could be a newt going through their history.  Maybe it could be even…or it could be one of those shows where you interview your exes, but I think it would be more recounting, something like that that the…okay Scooter, I could see where you’re going with that one.  It sounds plausible.  Let’s move onto the next show which is called Bubble.  Could you tell us about what to expect on Bubble?  Okay, well, Bubble is gonna be…I think a show where, again, I think we have to focus on empathy and compassion for this one, and I think a newt is a great example of this.  Again, I think it could be fictional stories told with…thematically guided by newts leaving their bubble ‘cause newts gotta do that anyway.  You say well, newts…a resting newt gathers no progeny because the land-based…I gotta be in the water and I gotta be on land sometimes.

 

We could follow newts as they move between those two worlds and the lessons they learn.  Maybe we have one or two protagonists and we kind of see their stories.  They say well…’cause I mean…I guess…and again, we’d have to personify it so we’d have to stretch it out and mamammalize it, which I don’t necessarily feel that great about ‘cause it’s like, I feel like we’re over-projecting.  But again, once newts start listening to podcasts, we can change all this up and just make it more newt-based.  You say okay, so in this one, maybe in reality newts don’t live at home ‘til they’re eighteen, but in this world they do.  Can you imagine?  I mean, that wouldn’t be…can you imagine being a teenager and your parents are like okay, we gotta move…drop everything.  Say goodbye to your friends, we’re moving back to the water, the tepid water for a while.  Also, bring your earplugs and your eye mask because mom and dad are gonna be doing…where we do the prom thing and hand-holding.

 

You don’t want to know about…no teen would…a teen would probably go out for a lot of walks.  You say, I gotta go for a swim around this tepid…to get away from home base.  I miss my friends.  It would give the newt a chance to explore new things and then you’d say well, right when I got…that could be season one.  Then season two is back to land right when I got comfortable meeting all these other sea creatures and sea plants.  Scooter could also teach about biology a little bit.  I mean, not that…the biomes and aquatic life and terrestrial life.  I think it could; I think that would be a really good use of it.  I’d be excited to see that.  So would I, Scooter.  That sounds like a very interesting show.  Okay, let’s move onto our next one which is called Donkey Kong 1, Scooter.  I don’t think we’d be able to get the rights to that one, Reginald.  Okay Scooter, let me just hear what your pitch is, just ‘cause I can’t help when the Randomizer…you gave me the numbers, I came up with the list.

 

Okay, well, Donkey Kong 1; could we put a subtitle on it like The Newt Years?  I think we could figure it out, The Tale of Donkey Kong…maybe one time…’cause Donkey Kong is not…is the…in Donkey Kong 1, particularly, Donkey Kong’s not the greatest.  Donkey Kong’s a grouch just like in the movies; climbing buildings, taking…bringing people along, throwing barrels near things that are…that could be…create other…you know, not…climbing…they say, we’re building a building, here.  Why you gotta be jumping around on it, our girders, and putting Mario through things?  That’s one version.  I’m sure Donkey Kong has Donkey Kong’s version.  There’s a couple options, here.  We could just do it…again, audio fiction.  It could be a newt narrator or it could be that the newt and Donkey Kong were best friends.  We do a prequel.  That’s a pretty easy way to do it.  We could change names ‘cause…and say well, no, this is…we can’t use Diddy Kong ‘cause I think that was another…Donkey Kong’s kid.

 

But we create a story where…out in the Donkey Kong country.  Okay Scooter, I could see that.  That’s something I can see happening.  Okay, what do we got next?  Okay Scooter, next up is Polar Bat.  Polar Bat.  I say okay, well…okay, well this one, we could…huh, this is challenging.  I think it would be…because from what we know about newts is they need humidity.  Some of them could live in cooler waters, some of those European newts.  There’s the whole idea like a fish out of water, so this could be a newt out of water, and it…again, I guess we’d have to go with audio fiction and personification.  Or there’s two options.  Okay Scooter, give them to me.  One is the fish out of water tale about a European cool-water newt who takes a position working at the North or the South Pole.  Because they’re staying inside most of the time, they have a humid environment that they can live in during their terrestrial time.

 

Now obviously, that’s also the time where the newts are looking to procreate in a isolated somewhat area that the newt’s gonna be having some strong feelings, especially if it’s other non-newt scientists, right?  Or something.  We could work in some sort of soap-operatic thing, but I was thinking that then it becomes a sports drama where everyone…maybe this is just one…it’s just a jumping-off point for other characters that are at this polar workstation.  They’re all going through the same thing, so they…together, they find that they have a love of snowball, baseball…Polar Bat, they call it.  It becomes a thing and then it’s just some sort of story.  Okay Scooter, that’s interesting.  That’s perfect for a sleep podcast, for sure.  Yeah, the other one would be…we could do…the newt is really just the eyes of the audience and there’s some scientist and she has a pet newt.  She goes to the North Pole or the South Pole to study.

 

She could be studying a Polar Bat or it could be…but then it will be her story or her and her coworker’s stories.  But very similar, but just with humans instead of personified newts ‘cause we’ve done a lot of personification of newts, here.  Scooter, I think I like your second idea overlaid on the first.  So, a lot of things…maybe she…a lot of the subtext plays out between her relationship with the newt and some of the newts…we could work some science into it.  Okay, I’m with you.  Okay Scooter, our next show is Turtles 4, it’s called.  Turtles 4, eh?  Okay, well that’s a good one.  [01:00:00] I think maybe this one could be…maybe this could be…first, I was thinking about it as some of the obvious things, but then I was thinking what if…could we rebrand it?  We could just say Turtles 4.  It doesn’t have to be…the premiere episode…so, this is a story about turtles, I guess personified once again, that are for something.  Each episode, they have a star-studded concert or variety show or performance to raise money for something.

 

The first episode is for newts; the most…whatever newt cause needs the most conservation or habitat purchasing or whatever.  Maybe it’s a little bit of a reality show.  Like, we follow the turtles.  It’s like the turtles are planning the benefit, and then they’re leading up…some stars are like wait, are you a turtle calling me?  How’d you get this number?  They say well, do you want to be there or not?  They’d say, what’s it for…newts?  Wait, newt or newts?  They say no, no, newts.  Okay, I’ll be there.  Then you could have Bette Midler there singing to newts.  You can’t beat that.  Alright, Scooter.  This is our last show here for the launch.  This one is called Seicross, S-E-I-C-R-O-S-S.  It’s the last show we’re gonna be doing.  Okay, Seicross.  Wow, so that one kind of is open because that must be the name of something else that got randomized.  I think we gotta cover…we have Newts After Dark covered.  It feels like we have a primetime block of fiction, we have that…we have a game…an AM and a PM gameshow.

 

Maybe we could…we have something we could…soap opera…we’ve got some midday coverage.  What about news; an AM and PM news show?  A short, daily news show?  Maybe we just use that as the name of the…maybe it’s run by…I guess then we’re fictionalizing…I mean, Newt News.  Newt News Network; here we are at the…I’m Seicross coming to you live from the Newt News Network where newts report the news.  ‘Cause we had that Bubble one, right?  Maybe the newts…maybe it gives us…’cause the whole idea of news is if it’s presented to us, what would happen if our news was presented to us as a…from a non-human perspective?  What perspective would that give us on the news?  Maybe that’s a requirement…we hire real journalists but you can…you have to filter all of your writing and your reporting.  You could choose your newt.  It’s audio, so then it’s easier ‘cause we don’t have to present it.  You say hi, I’m Golden Newt.  Thanks, Seicross.

 

I’m here reporting from the great ice cream spill where all the ice cream got spilled.  We’ve never seen this…I guess we’re newts; we eat off the ground all the time.  But humans are eating the ice cream up and it’s…oh, it’s causing traffic and it’s melting.  But it could be real news, too.  Maybe seeing the news through the eyes of the newts or the eye…from the eye of the newt to yout, Newt News Network.  You say well, jeez, it’s like…maybe it would revolutionize things.  It would have to have very stringent rules ‘cause you say well, is Newt News neutral on things?  I say well, no, it’s from the…no, because it’s…we’re coming from a newt perspective.  We definitely have these priorities for newts.  But yeah, we…actually, newts, not that I…we don’t have a whole lot of emotions, either.  I guess that would be the last piece of…Scooter, what about one last show that I think you could…oh, Newt with Me?  The newt cast that puts…newts you to newt.  We newt it with a newt newt story.  Scooter, I was hoping you’d do that.  Alls you newt-newt-newt is get in bed, newtenay.  I’m gonna newt the rest.  What I’m newting to new is to newt my noise across the newt-newt-nark night and carry you off into dreamland.  Goodnewt.

[END OF RECORDING]

[www.leahtranscribes.com]