889 – A Modicum of Sleepy Sense | All Intros 706-710
If a scratch and sniff sticker could put you to sleep I would try to find a small way to put it into the podcast to help you rest. I also read the opening chapter of my new imaginary novel and fragrance “A Hint of Miso”.
Sleep Whispers Podcast– it is 100% gentle whispering. You will hear bedtime stories, poems, guided relaxations, Wikipedia pages about different topics, trivia questions, and listener feedback – all done in a light and relaxing whisper. So if you ever struggle to fall asleep, then just search for the Sleep Whispers podcast in your podcast player, or go to https://sleepwhispers.com/podcast/
Black Lives Matter. I cannot create a safe place for everyone without stopping to pause and look at what changes I need to make to support that fact. When I say “you deserve a good night’s sleep” it means black lives matter. I have a lot more work to do to back up my words with my body, mind, heart, and spirit. I am trying to gather more resources here- https://linktr.ee/dearestscooter
Here is a list of Anti-racism resources- http://bit.ly/ANTIRACISMRESOURCES Here is one place you can find support during this or any crisis. If you have more please share them! https://www.crisistextline.org/
Commission a song from the Mystery Bard over at http://www.jonathanmann.netYou can find all of our sponsors on our website http://www.sleepwithmepodcast.com or become a patron story starts at about 20:00
EPISODE 889 – All Intros
[START OF RECORDING]
SCOOTER: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and friends beyond the binary; hey patrons, p-p-p-patrons, t-t-thank you, my patron peeps.
INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts, feelings, physical sensations like stuff’s coming up, it’s keeping you awake. It’s on your mind, it’s on your…in your heart, on your body. Whatever it is that’s keeping you up, I’d like to take your mind off of that. I’d like to keep you company, as a matter of fact. What am I gonna do? Sometimes I’ll do word-smushing which we’ve talked about before. Instead of word-mashups, I do mashed words, a bit like mashed potatoes or a word-mash. Some people say it’s like a word…some people say Scoots, you got that word salad thing going. I’d say well maybe…I have not yet been at a place where I’ve ordered a chopped salad yet.
I know Nick Wiger from Doughboys podcast; this is a hot salad, man. I think…I can…I’d always try to unlock that. But so anyway, let me say…let me get back to you, new listener. What I’m gonna do is I’m gonna try to create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s…oh wait, I know I said that. Talk about word-smushing. But yeah, I’m gonna try to create this safe place and the way I’m gonna do it is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, tangents, pointless meanders, extra…you know, all that stuff. Word stuff. Just in case you’re new though, I’m gonna use a lot of extra talking. But what I’m trying to do is take your mind off of stuff while you fall asleep. Here’s a couple of things to start…to get you comfortable, is give it a few…show a few tries, if you’re new.
I know there’s a temptation to try to figure it out or see…or make sense of what I’m saying, but quickly you’ll realize that I kind of almost make…you say well, he kind of almost makes sense, that Scoots. We’re certainly proud of him here at the Sleep With Me listener community. He’s done good and we’re patting him on the back enthusiastically ‘cause he’s almost making somewhat…sometimes a modicum of sense, just like that autobiography he wrote in 2031, A Modicum of Sense. The publisher did try…he had to self-publish that one ‘cause they said well, shouldn’t it be A Modicum of Common Sense? He refused. He said that doesn’t…he goes, that doesn’t feel as good in the mouth as A Modicum of Sense. Actually, he also wanted to write it as a autobiography and as a history of the penny and the other thing. You know, all of that, and words around the penny. He also did it as a picture book about a modicum of sense and then he tried to do it as a scratch-and-sniff sticker album.
They said, you’re diluting your product, sir. Also, you’re diluting your intro by not…well, no, I think I’m doing a metaphorical…I think I’ve shown…that’s what I’m saying, I guess, is if you’re new…if I’m lucky, I’ll make a modicum of sense. Maybe I may even later look up what ‘modicum’ means. Here’s a question; I like to stay current. Is there any emojis or emotes about a modicum…a modicum emoji? Or maybe that could be another book I could write; A Modicum of Mojis. Okay, yep. Once again, my brain’s going on strike. But if you’re new, yeah, don’t try to make too much sense of it. Kind of just passively consume the podcast. See how it goes, give it a few tries. Structurally, what to expect; the show starts off with business. That’s how we keep it free and going, then there’s a intro. The intros are about twelve minutes. So far, we’ve been about four or five minutes of me rambling, attempting to explain what the podcast is, and finding myself in a mashup of book titles and metaphors about mashing words and mixing words where you say hm, almost described what the podcast is.
Some listeners will actually fall asleep during the intro. A lot of listeners use it as part of their wind-down routine. You can use it and see how it goes. That’s the intro, then there’s some business, then there’s a story. Tonight, it’s a story with…a story about two podcasters working together to put people to sleep. A little bit of a crossover with the Sleep Whispers podcast by Harris, so that’ll be interesting. Then we…at the end of the show, we have some thank yous and goodnights. That’s the structure of the show. It’s a podcast to put you to sleep but it’s more a podcast to be here while you fall asleep, to keep you company as you drift off, so there’s no pressure to fall asleep. That’s why the shows are an hour and why I’ll be here ‘til the end, is I’m here to keep you company while you drift off. I’m also here to keep people company that can’t fall asleep or that wake up in the middle of the night or that you just happened to have something come up in the deep, dark day and you say Scoots, I just need you to be there for me as my friend in the deep, dark night.
I say well, don’t worry; I got you. I’ll be here for an hour. You could play 300 episodes back-to-back-to-back if you need to. I got you covered, okay? I’m here and you can fall asleep at your leisure; drift off slowly, quickly, whatever works for you. Or if you need me during the day, you’re waiting for something to get delivered or that paint to dry or you’re in traffic or you’re coding, or you just need a little break. You say well, I just want to shut my eyes for five or ten minutes and be…Calgon-take-me-away-type moment. I’m here, I’m here to get that done for you, to be your bore-friend, your bore-bae, your bore-cuz, your bore-bruh, your bore-sib. Whatever it is, your bore-bestie, if I can earn that…what is that, a moniker? Modicum of monikers. That’s the one thing this show does not have; it has a plethora of monikers but maybe I could write that book as someone else. A Modicum of Monitor…yeah, the Duke That Didn’t Like Nicknames: My Story, A Modicum of Monikers.
Also, tongue-twisters. Where was I? Okay, so that’s the structure of the show. No pressure to fall asleep, I’ll be here for an hour, and no pressure to listen. I guess that kind of covers most of it. How does this show work? You were talking about mashing up words and stuff earlier, Scoots. Tell me more ‘cause that sounds like…it sounds metaphor-rich. I say well, it could be. I could take…just like a…a thing of…a sack of potatoes, a bag of potatoes, put them in, cover them with cold water if you wish, or put them in boiling water. Bring it to a boil, soften them up, get them cooked, then put them in another bowl and mash them. I prefer a big fork. I actually don’t have a potato masher but I use the back of a big fork or the front of it. They call those things tines. You don’t call them tines very often but you say what are those things on a fork called, prongs or tines? I say actually, now that you brought it up, I have no…I don’t know. For a second, I thought they were tines and I thought that was witty. Now I’m thinking they might be prongs.
You know, if you play the fork, which not many people do, and you play it…you play the imaginary fork which I do do, that’s the sound I make when I pretend to fling the tines of my fork. I say prong, prong. Usually, the only thing is to do that thing; dun-da-dun-dun-dun. You just go prong-pr-prong-prong-prong. That’s my show for fork-playing; Imaginary Fork Player. We’re really getting a lot of book titles out of this one episode. Or The Prong Player, The Prong Player Who Loved Playing Pong. Yeah, there’s a lot…there could be a lot of things in there. But yeah, what I do is, you know, mash it up. You start mashing it up, then you start putting stuff in there. [00:10:00] For this show, you could take it plain. Not many people like potatoes and water but you could put some butter in there if you wish, a butter’s alternative, if we wish, some milk or milk substitute, or creams. You could put some cheeses in there or some cheese substitutes. Salt and pepper, maybe. Maybe some flavorings.
Here’s an idea; how about some miso in there? Yeah, no, I haven’t made mashed potatoes with miso yet but I will be. Believe me, I put it in everything. I just like the taste of it. Well, this is how…this is a metaphor…oh, I’m not actually making mashed potatoes. Sorry, that was supposed to be…it was supposed to be an allusion to how I make the podcast with words. I don’t know, I wouldn’t mind a couple words coated in miso. I mean, that wouldn’t be…now you don’t have a coating. It’s better if it’s worked in there, so we’d have to take a word apart and then reassemble it so that the miso is kind of…becomes part of its essence. Yeah, that is the new fragrance I’m working on. It’s a fragrance for all; non-gender fragrance. It’s called, yeah, A Hint of Miso. No, it’s just…it’s more…you don’t say ooh, is that something umami or nunami? How do you say that? ‘Cause I don’t know. There’s something about you I can’t quite place on my palate but I desire it most of the time.
It’s not sweet and it’s not savory but without it, there’s something missing in my world. That’s the opening chapter of…that actually comes…that’ll be the commercial. You know how they used to have commercials for fragrances like that? When a hint of miso hits the market, believe me, that’s what it’ll be like. A greyscale background, greyscale bottle, and whatever those words were I just said, said in a mysterious way. Then maybe it’ll fade from greyscale to…then yeah, if it’s successful, of course we’ll have red miso. We’ll go beyond that, for sure. Yeah, this podcast is a hint of modicums and you say Scoots, that doesn’t make any sense. I’d say, exactly, ‘cause what I’m here to do is to keep you company. What I’m here to do is to try to lighten your load, your burden at bedtime, to take some of the seriousness out of it. To be your friend, really, or your companion or the person on the other side of the room cracking…you say are those jokes you’re cracking? ‘Cause they’re joke-ish.
I say yeah, well…I say, I know; you’re wondering what that smell is. It’s good, huh? It’s A Hint of Miso. It just hit the market. Some people self-publish; I self-publish fragrances. Oh, somebody just made a joke at my expense. But no, no, no, this is…yeah, it’s a thing I do. Yes, I do do it in my backyard with mostly mud and water but that’s not what’s in A Hint of Miso. There’s also a hint of miso in there. Anyway, I’m here to help. I’m here to keep you company. If you’re new, give it a few tries. It doesn’t work for everybody but hopefully I can help you out, I can distract you, I can keep you company. I appreciate your time so much. Thank you for checking this show out. I work very hard and I strive to help you fall asleep. Here’s a few ways we keep the show going.
Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, time, temperature. Whatever it is, change in routine…whatever’s keeping you awake, I’d like to take your mind off that. I’d like to keep you company and the way I’m gonna do it is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents that are rustified, goofing around. I’m here to keep you company while you fall asleep and if you’re new, let me give you some. Welcome; I’m glad you’re here. I got a nice, open safe place for you.
Go ahead, have a seat, have a lie. You could stand if you wish. You could even stand with your arms crossed and your brows furrowed, if you wish. That tends to be my default setting which for some reason, even though I have my own passwords, I say can I turn off that default of the arms crossed? Some might say natural scowl, at least that’s what the doctor said; that boy was born with a natural scowl. Never seen one with a scowl like…born with a furrowed brow. That’s a couple books I’m working on; Born with A Furrowed Brow, yet another autobiography maybe out in like, 2086, and The Bow of the Furrowed Brow. That story’s pending. It’s a title-pending book which are a lot of those. Expect that in Gingerbread Press. Maybe my daughter could write that in 2126 which would mean she’d be…well, maybe her daughter. Oh, if you’re new, sorry about that. If you’re new, here’s a couple things; you don’t…welcome. I’m glad you’re here, like I said.
You don’t need to make too much sense of this podcast. It doesn’t really make any sense, so give it a few tries. I realize you’re skeptical when you come into this show. Who wouldn’t be? As I said, my brow’s furrowed, my arms are crossed. Not now, ‘cause now I’m in a safe place. Really, I am this…my shoulders are positively slumped. That’s positively slumped…okay, that’s…wow, we got a lot of books coming out of this one intro. Positively Stumped; that would be the sequel. But so, here I’m comfortable but out there in the world, a lot of times my arms get crossed. I say well, it’s your body…I said no, this is my default behavior. Sometimes I’m able to take a break and relax but when I’m here, I’m relaxed. I would try to create this safe place but for new people, it does take a few tries to get used to ‘cause it’s a bit different. It’s a bit oblong. It’s the oblong furlong. Holy moly, someday…I don’t know what I had…I do know what I had for breakfast; whole wheat toast and eggs and almond butter. I don’t know if…I don’t think it was that, though.
But it could have been. You say well, it came up…what was that day you came up with all these nonsensical book titles you forgot about, Scoots? I'd say well, that’s what replaced my furrowed brow. Went from crossing my arms and furrowing my brow to coming up with book titles I would forget. But yeah, it was a pretty good trade-off. Don’t try to make too much sense of this podcast, if you can. Maybe it’s the first time; you just watch it with skepticism. You might not be sure. Maybe come back in a few days if you say well, I don’t know if I liked that. But if you can, give it…oh, passively consume it. Kind of just watch it like you’re watching the clouds. But no pressure. That’s the thing; give it a shot. Give it a few shots, see how it goes. I’m here to help. Also, no pressure to fall asleep. I’m gonna be here for about an hour and the whole idea is I’m here as you fall asleep. I’m your bore-friend, I’m your bore-bud talking to you, keeping you company as you drift off.
No pressure to fall asleep, also no pressure to listen. As podcasts go, this one, you can listen to it because I know there’s people that listen all the way to the end that can’t fall asleep. I’m here for them and I know there’s people that listen during the day when they say well, this day’s getting a bit…I need a little break from my day; gonna go for a walk, gonna listen to Scoots, gonna sit at my desk, gonna listen to some Scoots. Traffic…some people can handle it. They say well, I listen in traffic. Not for everybody but if you’re walking or sitting on a bench in the park, might be a different story. But whatever it is, I’m here and I’ll be here ‘til the very end. That’s part of what makes this show. Even if you fall asleep fast, is, I think, that the show’s here the whole time to put you to sleep or more to be here while you fall asleep. No pressure to listen, no pressure to fall asleep. I think that’s…those are the…let’s see. Oh, structurally, what to expect; the show starts off with a few minutes of business.
That’s how we keep this show going and free. Then we have an intro. The intros are about twelve minutes. We're about halfway through it. It’s more of a show within a show than an intro but I wouldn’t know what else to call it. It’s not a pre-show ‘cause it’s part of the show. It gives you a chance [00:20:00] to start your wind-down, to start your bedtime routine, maybe to brush your teeth or brush your hair or balm your elbows. Maybe balm your kneecaps. Say well, hey kneecaps, I’ve been giving all this…Scoots gives a lot of attention to his elbows. He kisses his shoulders. Here’s the thing; I don’t think I’ve said this on the podcast before and this is supposed to be a vulnerable place. I don’t know if I’ve admitted this on the podcast and I don’t necessarily recommend it. I would say balm your kneecaps or cup them. I’m cupping one of my kneecaps right now. It’s kind of like…what do they call that when you’re cuddling with someone? Spooning. It’s kind of like spooning a kneecap but you’re cupping it.
Maybe you could…I think it’d be too likely to induce giggles if you couple…if you’re in a couple and you cup your coupled person’s kneecap. But the big admission I was gonna make is I used to nibble my kneecaps. I think for comfort. Maybe you have, maybe you haven’t. I don’t necessarily recommend it because I don’t think I’m as flexible as I once was. Two, the kneecaps just aren’t in a…but, you know, I want full vulnerability. Oh, I was talking about the structure of the show, though. Sorry, new listeners. There I went. That’s how the intro works, though, is kind of show the method of the show. But yeah, full disclosure too; you’re talking…you’re listening to someone that’s nibbled his kneecaps. It’s been a while, though I can almost guarantee it won’t be long after this recording…I mean, yeah, I guarantee I’m gonna lie down, I’m gonna say hm, when was the last time I…can I reach you? Come on in. The kneecap would say, I’m fine with the cupping. You could cup me. No need to nibble me.
Well, what about a little kissy-poo? No, you could just cup me. Maybe a two-handed cup like you’re doing now where your left hand is cupping your left kneecap, your right hand is cupping your left hand, and your legs are crossed. You almost look like you’re in a shoot for a tea commercial or a school picture in 1989. I’d say yeah, actually, I think I was in the same…I mean, I’m in the same type of chair you get your school picture in. Oh, so if you’re new, structure of the show; so, the intro’s a show within a show. Some people fall asleep during it, a lot of people listen as they wind down, as their pets come in the room and all that, or listen during the day. A few people skip it where they listen to the…they’re patrons, so they listen to the story-only episodes. That’s the intro, then there’s a show. Tonight, we’re gonna be talking about the big show, the big season three premiere of The Good Place, back-to-back episodes of our favorite show The Good Place to Sleep.
You say Scoots, what about season two? I said well, we’ll do…in the off-season we’ll do season two. It gives us something to look forward to as this season progresses. We’ll be talking about The Good Place season premiere and yeah, that’ll be A Good Place to Sleep. It’s like, hardy-har-har. If you’re A Good Place fan, you might say well, what about spoilers? I say well, we will talk generally about the plot and some details but a lot of times I’ll be talking about Chidi’s shirts or Eleanor’s shirt came up, other things like Jason’s accessories, what’s on whiteboards and chalkboards. You know, any details. You say well, that’s inane. It wasn’t even intentional; that wasn’t…I say well, oh boy. Those posters on the St. John’s University post-your-bills-board, that got my attention. That’s what we’ll be talking about, be all sleepy and friendly to carry you off into dreamland. Between the intro and the story is some business and then there’s some thank yous at the end of the show.
That’s the structure of the show and the purpose of the show, as I said, is to be here, to be your friend in the deep, dark night, to keep you company, to come up with goofy…it’s a bit of goof…it’s a lot of goofing around. As I said, I just thought of like, ten different book titles, none of which I remember. One day I may think about them again and say well, I don’t remember that, or you’d say did I think of a book called A Kerfuffle of…The Snuffle Kerfuffle? That was my Snuffleufagus fan fiction. Snuffles…yeah, well, I’m working on a title then the story will write itself, clearly, though people may have to Google Snuffleufagus. But they say oh wow, talk about someone who might be good to sleep on their…you say well, if you’re sleeping on your side, Snuffleufagus…I don’t know, has anyone ever…Snuffleufagus is on Sesame Street, right? I hope. Snuffleufagus is kind of like…I think like an elephant that is in this really nice, brown fur a bit like a Terrycloth. Brown fur…an elephant with Terrycloth fur. I said I wouldn’t mind snuggling up with Snuffleufagus and saying well, so you’re snuggleufarific, Snuffleufagus.
I don’t know why we had that kerfuffle. Also, Snuffleufagus, could you do a segment on the word kerfuffle so I make sure I’m using it correctly? Sorry about that kerfuffle, my little…bit little snuffle. It said no, actually, my name’s Snuffleufagus. I prefer to be called Snuffleufagus. Big Bird calls me Snuffleufagus. Have you ever heard Big Bird…? Okay, oh boy, this is our kerfuffle. I only predicted it and now I’ve made it happen. I didn’t realize The Snuffle that Caused the Kerfuffle is what I should have called the story, huh, Snuffleufagus? Anyway, I’m here to help. I’m here to see if I can take your mind off whatever’s keeping you awake as you drift off into dreamland. I’ve been there. I really, truly believe you deserve a good night’s sleep, a place filled with dignity and respect, or I guess I found…it’s kind of goofy ‘cause you…Snuffleufagus is already saying well, when did you…I’d say well, I…did I apologize, Snuffleufagus? I’m sorry. I was wrong to call you Snuffle, or to presume. I should have asked you first. Are you comfortable with me calling you Snuffle? What about Luff or Luffagus or just Gus? How do you feel about the nickname Gus? Snuffleufagus walked away. Anyway, I’m here to help. Give it a few tries and see how it goes. But I work very hard and I strive and I yearn, and I really want to help you fall asleep. Thank you so much for coming by and let’s keep this show going. Here’s a few ways that we do.
Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts, feelings, emotions bubbling up, physical sensations of any sort, changes in your schedule, your routine. Maybe your routine is not routine, you know? You say, I work a second or a third shift or you just changed shifts. Whatever it is; could be something inside, it could be out…you know, inside, outside, or on your inside. Or it could be the person sleeping next to you so soundly. Oh, how you snore and sleep so soundly. Well, you know what? I’m here for you, too. They’re here, they’re…give them a little…tuck them in.
What would I do, is I pretend that my pillow snores sometimes. I think I’ve admitted this on the podcast before. I have; I kiss, you know, I’ve kissed my pillows. You know, in a…not a…what’s the one…? Not an amorous kiss, hold on. I’ve never…I don’t think I’ve necked a pillow but I’ve never…oh, heavy petting or necking, just a kiss. If you’re comfortable, kiss your pillow. Before I lose the new listeners, let me check…hey, if you’re new, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that’s here to put you to sleep. What I’m gonna do is I’m gonna try to create a safe place that’s a little bit silly. The way I’m gonna do it is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents. I’m gonna go on or off-topic. I’m gonna keep you company and what was…I think that’s it. I’m gonna send my voice across…oh, the podcast doesn’t work for everybody. Don’t try to make too much sense of [00:30:00] it. Or you know, even decide if you…seriously, this is…it’s my job to earn your trust and to put you to sleep or be your companion here.
You could stay neutral about me. I’m not in a hurry. You say well, I’m not sure about these creaky, dulcet tones. I’m not sure about these pointless meanders. Yeah, just go ahead and you can kind of let me be some background noise. But here’s the things about the show; I’m glad you’re here. I really, really do appreciate you checking this show out and giving me some of your time. While it doesn’t work for everybody, I hope it works for you because the reason I make this show is I believe you deserve a good night’s sleep. I’ve been there unable to sleep, tossing and turning. I know how it feels. I might not know exactly what you’re going through but I know how it feels there. That’s why I call it the deep, dark night. You know, we probably don’t have to elaborate. But if you’re new, a couple things. Here’s structurally how this podcast works; we start off with business. That’s how we keep the show going and free. Then we have an intro.
The intros are…this is a little bit counterintuitive. The intros are about twelve minutes long. It’s a monologue that’s gonna put some portion of listeners to sleep. A small percentage of listeners, they listen to the business and then they skip the intro. Then a large portion of people listen to the intro as kind of a wind-down. It’s like, instead of being a concise summary of the podcast, it's, yeah, a twelve-minute version of the podcast in miniature, in some way. A podcast within a podcast. Holy, I just…okay, let’s just drive right around my M.C. Escher brain. You know, that was one of my…I think I’ve…it’s been a while since we made some M.C. Escher jokes. Let’s see, favorite MCs; MC Ren, M.C. Escher, I think that those maybe…let’s see, Young MC. Was there an MC Young? Which one of the Beastie Boys was…there was MCA but that was like, all letters together, not just MCA. Okay, I’ll get back…I don’t think I’ll be able to get back to the MCs. I should be the MCs of…I’m the MC of Zs.
Ba-boom, I just thought of that but that’s my job, is to…but right now my job is to introduce the new listener. So, the intro, there you go, that was a little bit of a miniature, pointless tangent in the intro where I try to explain what the podcast is but it takes me ten minutes. But it’s kind of supposed to, as I tuck you in. But if you’re new, take some…just check it out. I’m your bore-friend. I’m here to help. That’s the intro, then tonight it’ll be our ongoing episodically modular serial series, heavy on the episodic modular content, The Stan Chronicles about a freestyle soda machine who commands a spaceship. They mostly spend most of their time on the ship in a cloud of delusion. You know, ‘cause this is a sleep podcast. That’ll be the bedtime story. In-between the intro and the story’s a little bit more business. That’s the structure of the show. A couple other things you might need to know; you don’t need to listen to me. You may have figured that out already. Is the MC of Zs…isn’t MC…like, I guess I can really take that term…like a duality of the hip hop MC and then a more…I guess there’s…they call it the ring…what do they call it in the…the ring bearer or something, at a circus.
I know it’s not a ring bearer, but then I was thinking of a gilded age MC. But generally, any ceremonies, there’s usually an MC. I’d say well, if I’m having any ceremonies, I’d prefer it to be more of a FC, friend of ceremonies, or something. Buddy…[inaudible] ceremony buddy. Say, I don’t know if I could fit the role of an MC; as long as it’s just MC. But I really haven’t mastered very many things. Seriously, I still have trouble tying my shoes. I think that’s maybe something that connects a lot of us. You say what the heck…I’ve been tying my shoes twice a day…depending on if you got some slip-ons or something but I’ve been tying my shoe for as long as I’ve been…from whatever age I learned; twenty-six. Since then, I’ve been tying them, mostly. You say hey, what the heck? How’d you come…that happened to me this week. I don’t mean to go off-topic but I guess ‘cause it’s on my mind. I don’t want this to sound like I’m just making this stuff up. I had one of those pesky shoe days where my shoe just kept becoming untied.
I want to say it was…went on for like, three or four days where I said what in the heck? Did I get some sort of oil on my lace or…? That’s what I’m saying when it comes to mastery. It still perplexes me. I’ve tied the shoe the exact…I got the method down. Even the muscle memory should be in there but then this thing, it should say…literally, I would tie it and then I’d go out the door and be like, what in the heck? Then I’d tie it again. Are shoes practical jokers? Does anyone have an answer for that? Not yet, nothing in my brain does. I thought I had a topic I was gonna talk about but…MC, so I’m the MC of Zs. What is my job? I go off-topic. I guess I’m more…what would be the word if you’re not…you’re the amateur of ceremonies? Ceremony of amateurs. That will be…okay, let’s put that down in my autobiography column. I think that would be…that could be…I don’t know if that…should that be a chapter in my autobiography? A Ceremony of Amateurs: The Bots Within My Brain…The Story of the Bots Within My Brain. It’s about my brain bots.
But they’re not amateurs; they’re pros. They say hey, remember that incident back in…with the orange juice? I’d say okay, how do you have a crystal-clear memory? Okay, anyway, I gotta get back to the intro. You don’t need to listen to me. That’s one of the things I was saying. I’m just here to keep you company but you’re also under no pressure to fall asleep. The reason the shows are an hour or so is to give you plenty of time to fall asleep at your leisure. There’s listeners that don’t sleep and I’m here to the very end for them but I’m also here to the very end for you so that you can fall asleep whenever you want. The reason I make the shows complete and I make a bedtime story is so that you don’t need to listen to it. I guess it’s kind of paradoxical but if I wasn’t spinning paradoxes, I wouldn’t be the MC of Zs, MCZ. I guess that could be it but that sounds a little bit too…the MCZ’s Tour, sponsored by zippers, or XYZ. Was that the Zipper Corporation? I think I did a podcast about that.
But so, you don’t need to fall…there’s no pressure to fall asleep. I’m gonna be here to keep you company and you just drift off. Let me slowly drift into the background, here. I’m here to just be your friend, your bore-friend in the deep, dark night. As the MC of Zs, I’ll be trying to talk about one thing, then I’ll notice my brain says hey, what about this? Then I’ll attempt to address that, then I’ll forget what I was originally talking about, then I’ll think of some witty point about what I was talking about earlier and I’ll try to go back to that. The thing is with the circus, it’s the person in the top hat. The big tenter? No. I know people at home are like Scoots, it’s the…it’s not the ringleader. There probably is someone…every circus has had a ringleader. I don’t know what it is. The top hat, the person in the top hat. They say that’s the…welcomes you to the circus. I’ve done episodes about the circus before and I even had two characters that were running this Purple People Circus, is what it was called.
It’s not ringmaster and it’s not ringleader. You know, that was the Keymaster, one of the great roles played by Rick Moranis. I think Rick Moranis was looking for the Keymaster in one of those movies that…one of those Rick Moranis films with other people in it that were also equally famous. Where am I? Well, here’s the thing; did I take your mind off of what’s keeping you awake? I’m glad you’re here. This is a podcast to put you to sleep, to keep you company during the day or the night, whenever you need a little distraction, a little friendly background noise. What about a cavalcade of amateurs? That’s how my brain usually feels. [00:40:00] I could have a circus. If I could subdivide myself into the things I do in an amateur way, I could…that could be my show; A Cavalcade of Amateurs. First up, the person who introduces the show, the ring bearer. Hey everybody, I’m Scoots. I’m the ring bearer. I’m in the middle of explaining what the podcast is and now I’m gonna explain to you what awaits you in this cavalcade of amateurs.
But I don’t actually have…anyway, let me just interrupt myself there. I’m here to help. I’ve been there and I don’t know, I always think about when I can’t sleep and I’m baffled and I’m frustrated, I like to think that this podcast can help the people it can. Now, most of the people that regularly listen say it takes a few tries so if you’re new, give it a few tries. See how it goes. I don’t know that there’s a downside ‘cause I’m here to help. Give it a few tries. I appreciate you checking the show out and I really yearn and strive to help you fall asleep, so thanks again for coming by and here’s a couple of ways we keep the show going.
Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, changes in time, temperature, work schedule. Maybe you’re traveling, maybe a loved one’s traveling. Whatever’s keeping you up, I’d like to take your mind off of that. The way I’m gonna do it is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’m gonna use lulling, super-creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents, many other ways. I had one way that I thought of that I already forgot. It’ll be a combination of goofy…the goofy and the mundane. But I’m here to help.
I’m here to take your mind off of stuff. The basic concept, if you’re new, is I’m glad you’re here; thanks for coming by. This is kind of a podcast you listen to as you drift off or you kind of barely listen to it. It could be set at the level of background noise, barely recognizable noise, or you could listen just like someone’s there telling you a story. But it’s the kind of storyteller that says hey, go ahead and…I’m gonna tell you this story. I’m gonna be here for you. You drift off, you fall asleep whenever you want, but I’ll be here. I’m here to keep you company. That’s the kind of concept of the show. You could listen, like I said, at any of those levels but one thing I’ve learned from doing this awhile and a lot of feedback is if you’re new, give it a few tries. Don’t try to make too much sense of it at first ‘cause it’s…it can be really hard to follow. That comes up in my personal life. I go on tangents and stuff but I’m just here to help. If you try to make too much sense of the show…you could see what I’m up to if you’re skeptical. Believe me.
You’re saying well, what’s he up to? Then if you kind of just pay attention, kind of like when a teacher says I’m gonna be keeping my eye…out of the corner of my…you know, listen to me out of the corner of your ear. You’d say Scoots, ears don’t have corners. I’d say, thank goodness for that. Do ears have crooks? Do people say out of the crook out of my…is that an elbow or an ear that has a crook? Out of the crook of my elbow. You could listen to me out of the crook of your elbow, especially if your elbow’s kind of pulled up over your head. Maybe I’ll come back to that. I don’t know. But you can kind of just listen…barely listen to me, or you could totally listen. Here’s the thing; there’s no pressure to listen but there’s no pressure to fall asleep. I’m gonna be here for about an hour. There’s over 300 episodes in the feed so you can queue them up episode after episode if you need to. But I’m here the whole time, all the way to the end of the episode, just in case you can’t fall asleep or in case you’re listening to the show during the day if you’re not having a great day.
You say Scoots, what a…do what you do. I say yeah, we don’t want to label it as magic or…you know, goof around. I say you got it; I’m here. I’m here to the very end so if you can’t sleep, I’ll be here ‘til the end. But you could fall asleep whenever you want. No pressure to listen, no pressure to fall asleep. Structurally, what to expect; the show starts off with a few minutes of business. That’s how we keep it going and free, are the people who actively participate in that, so thank you for that. Then there’s an intro which we’re probably like, somewhere between four to six to eight minutes into. Intros are about twelve minutes. It’s a bit of a show within a show where…a normal, efficient intro, I’d say Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Then I’d go right into the bedtime…once upon a time there was a…you know, there was a TV show called The Good Place. It was in its third season. It was a tale of four friends…or were they friends?
It was a tale of ethics and philosophy. It was a tale of two…actually, ‘cause there was six ‘cause then there was two other people that were kind of…their friends became their friends, too. They lived in…once upon a time, they lived at…so, that would be…oh, that would have been an efficient intro if I didn’t go on that tangent, if that was the…I guess that could have been an example. But instead what the intro is, is a reminder you’re here. It’s a safe place, it’s made for you. It gives you some time to wind down, to get ready for bed, to brush your teeth, to take a break at work during the day, like I said, to use the show however you want. Some people get their pets, they gotta get their pets ready. How many cats out there? You don’t even have to raise a paw; just give me a knowing look. How many cats are cleaning themselves right now? Oh boy, I didn’t need to see you…keep it private. I guess you can’t. That’s your job; you’re a cat. But I can see…shout out to the cats cleaning themselves out there. Nothing like the smell of cat breath.
Actually, it smells…how come your breath smells better on fur than on…or how come it doesn’t…really, it’s really amazing what you’re doing. I never thought about it ‘til now. I say, how come these cats don’t smell like cat breath? You’d say it’s counterintuitive, really, just like this podcast is. You’d say, you’re gonna wash yourself with that mouth? I’m not saying all cats have bad breath, just all of the cats I’ve ever met in the world. I’m speaking with…I’m having a little bit of fun with you cats and I’ll tell you what, good news; the reason I have such fun with you is ‘cause one of the dogs I dogsit for sometimes, I always tell her she has cat breath. She does. Maybe it’s just small dog breath. I guess I really ruined…I really lost the cat segment of the audience. Sorry about that, cats. I meant to just do…it was an example within an example, though. I had just meant to say ‘shout out to the cats cleaning themselves’ when I was trying to make just an example of how people use the intro, when I was trying to give example of a short intro, when I was trying to explain what the structure of the podcast is. So, boxes within boxes within boxes.
Please forgive me. I’m sure your…no, really though, I’m impressed. It is counterintuitive that…I mean, ‘cause let’s be honest, cats; dogs don’t smell great most of the time unless they’ve had a bath or they’re one of those higher…one of those new…the newer ones that get…you get down at that…one of the shiny buildings where they say, well, these dogs smell great all the time. I say, really? Well, it’s a work in…I don’t even know what I’m talking about. But so, oh, structure of the show. The intro is where it grew into…’cause I would go off-topic. But in some sense, people started to either fall asleep to that or find it part of their routine. That’s where we’re at with the intro. It’s kind of a show within a show, I guess is what I was saying. Then tonight, we’ll be talking about season three, Episode 3 which is really Episode 2 of The Good Place. Then we’ll have some thank yous at the end. Then between the intro and the show is a little bit of business. That’s the structure of the show. I guess I went over the rules. Yeah, basically, I’m here to help.
I thought of something I was gonna try to think of later but then that whole idea of the…you know what really is cute, though, is when cats are cleaning themselves. I know I…trying to win them back. Can I do some cat…[00:50:00] can I have your permission to do some cat talking? [MEOWING] I’m fluent in calico. To translate, if anybody’s not understanding my dialects, it’s ‘you’re doing a great job.’ I was only pandering to humans with the stuff about your breath. Your breath is really sweet as the inside of a tin can containing cat food. Yeah, and of course you gotta keep your fur looking good. Okay, so that’s the structure of the show. That’s me checking in with the cats. I did have some…what was it that that came up? Superfluous tangents, goofing around…I don’t know, but I make this show ‘cause I’ve been there, particularly on Sundays like I said at the top of the show. Starting in fifth grade, I would be away from school and then as soon as Sunday night hit, I’d say oh…my mind would start processing things and that’s a very big understatement.
Alls I really wanted was someone to sit there and say hey, wow, that seems tough. You can’t sleep. Let me sit here. Let me keep you company, let me be your friend in the deep, dark night. That’s what I’m here to do for you, is to keep you company, to take your mind off stuff, be your bore-bud, be your bore-sib, your bore-bae, your bore-cuz, your bore-bestie, your bore-boo. Yeah, just take your mind off of stuff as you drift off. If you’re new, give the show a few tries. See how it goes. Most regular listeners say at least two times, if not three. If you’re skeptical, of course you’re skeptical; you say, somebody’s gonna talk me to sleep. He’s got creaky, dulcet tones and pointless meanders and extra uh’s and ah’s and um’s. I say, yes, I do. See if it works for you. It doesn’t work for everybody. I make this show ‘cause I truly believe you deserve a good night’s sleep. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, and you deserve a chance to drift off and be rested.
I want you to be out there flourishing and comfortable in the world. I want you to feel comfortable and safe and respected when you’re here. I do my best to do that but I’m not perfect. Obviously, we’ve seen a great example with the cats. I lost that segment of the audience. Actually, the good thing is – cats, cover your ears – the level of cognitive dissonance in cats is very high so all the cats that are actually listening…and you’re right, cats that are listening; you’re like, well, I’m not…I’m one of the cats with good breath. Scoots is talking about all those other cats that live next door and down the street that I look at scornfully. I have great breath. It’s all those other cat…I’m like, you’re right; totally, totally right, cats. All cat listeners of this show…I mean, you already knew that. I didn’t have to explain that. I was just explaining it to your humans. That’s what we were actually [MEOWING]. Right, and cinnamon sugar, too. Anyway, if you’re new, I’m glad you’re here. If you’re a regular listener, thank you so much for coming back. Thank you for listening to this show. Thank you for supporting me in the deep, dark night and empowering me and trusting me to put you to sleep. I work very hard and I yearn and I strive ‘cause I want to help you drift off. You deserve it. Goodnight. Here’s a couple of ways we keep the show going.
Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, changes in time, temperature, work schedules, travel. Whatever’s keeping you awake, I’d like to take your mind off of that, keep you company, and what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous, rustified tangents, and many other techniques refined over…they are. You know what, I’ve been…what about sift…let’s talk sifting tonight, maybe. First, I’d like to find…put a…well, we’ll get back to it.
But what I’m gonna do is take your mind off of stuff while you fall asleep, is basically the idea; keep you company as you drift off to dreamland. If you’re new, here’s a few things; give the show a few tries and see if it works. It does not work for everybody. Creaky, dulcet tones and pointless meanders are not everyone’s cup of tea and that’s okay if it’s not your cup of tea. But I am here to help so give it a few tries just to see if it does help ‘cause that’s what the majority…I mean, I’m talking like, 98% of listeners say. They say on the first try, I tried to make sense of it. The second try, I realized it doesn’t…Scoots doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. He’s my bore-bud and he’s…then on the third try, I was already asleep. Give it a few tries and see how it goes. I hope it helps ‘cause I really want to help you fall asleep but there’s no pressure to even like the show or to have it work for you. I hope, like I said. You know what I’m saying? Open space; this is a safe place and I’m here with a friendly…I’m not…I’m kind of smiling but if I stop to smile, not only are my smiles awkward, then it makes it hard for me to talk. This is the way I talk when I’m smiling.
But we’re trying to…I’m trying to remember to talk about sifting later. But so, if you’re new, give it a few tries. Don’t try to make too…try and consume the podcast somewhat passively, just like you would if you’re…when you’re…you know what I mean, when you’re on the phone with your relative and they have a lot of superfluous dialogue. You say uh-huh, uh-huh. Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. Maybe you’re like, making pasta, stirring things. Hopefully you have a headphone…a headset on so you don’t have to balance your phone, too. Maybe they’re on speaker. You say mm, and you’re trying to measure the pasta. You say, how much spaghetti for four people here? Like, the ‘okay’ symbol or more? You say, oh, really? Okay, uh-huh. With this podcast, you can take that mindset…it’s not the growth…it’s the faux active-listening mindset. I’m not…don’t worry, I’m not gonna tell anybody. I’ve done it before. Uh-huh, I have. Oh yeah. But there’s no pressure.
That’s my job, is for you…here’s my job; for you not to listen to me. A weird podcast…I make a podcast, work on it a lot every week. Like, a couple full-time jobs worth of work to…goes into this show so you don’t need to listen, so it can be here to help you. There’s no pressure to listen, also no pressure to fall asleep. The reason that podcasts are an hour and that we have 300 shows in the feed is so you have plenty of time to fall asleep and to drift off, plenty of room to comfort you and to keep you company as you drift off, so you can drift off whenever you want. It’s a podcast more to be here while you fall asleep. Structurally what to expect; the show starts off with a few minutes of business. That’s how we keep the show going, then there’s some business between the intro and the story. Then the show, after the business, has an intro and the intros are about twelve minutes long. Believe it or not, it’s a show within a show that you can fall asleep to.
Now, some people fall asleep during the intro. A lot of people get ready for bed, start their wind-down routine, maybe do some doodling while you’re listening to the intro, help you…well, you say, well, journaling. That sounds like a lot of work. You could doodle and listen to this. You say, well, what do you call that? A scroodle. It’s like I’m listening to Scroots and I’m doodling. Oodles of scroodles when I’m listening to my droodles. That’s what my faux girlfriend from Niagara Falls says. She calls me Old Scroodles. Oh no; Screwball. Sorry, I was misreading the writing. But anyway, where was I? So, yeah, you could doodle. Some people call their pets, some people listen to the intros during the day. I say, well, I’m looking to lower the intensity on my day, have a little mental break. You can do that. A couple people skip the intro and go straight to the story so whatever works, you know, use it as you wish. But the intro’s kind of a twelve-minute chance for you to unwind, to come to this familiar, safe place but that’s different each time.
Obviously, it’s a lot of…a lot of work goes into it. I could just replay the same intro or go yo, yo, welcome to Sleep With Me podcast. Shoobidy-do-do-bop. About to put you to sleep. [01:00:00] You’ve been sifting through your day and now I’m gonna be sifting through your dreams with Sleep With Me. Sha-shoom. Then go right into the story, but I found over 700+ episodes that it’s nice to have a little wind-down, someone to pat the safe place, smooth it, say hey, come on in. No pressure to fall asleep, no pressure to listen. I’m glad you’re here. I’ve been there in the deep, dark night and I know it sucks. I’d like to help. Yeah, you take a breath here. You could sink in here. You take another breath and you say okay, Scoots is here to goof on my behalf. Oodles of strudels when we’re doodling with droodles. You could say…you could even do a little self-soothing. Go ahead and touch your nose. It’s less patronizing if you boop your own nose and say hey, doodlebug.
That may be a patented word; I don’t know, but you say…I don’t know. I don’t know where that came from. Just the word ‘doodlebug’ popped in my head. But so, that’s the show. It is a bit like that DJ person…whoever popped up earlier said it right. It is a bit of sifting. Sometimes when I get into bed, those parts of my brain say, I wanna start sifting through the day or they say what is…do we need a sifter? Should we go to Wirecutter where we find out consumer reports? Then part of it says I don’t want to get upsold on a sifter. I say, well, are we gonna use a sifter? Then maybe some says, well, look…they go into some S-H-A-M-E mode. They say well, look at all the other…didn’t you buy a sifter? Remember, it’s behind that water…something. I say no, that’s a snifter. That’s a snifter holder, actually. I thought that was an investment. It turns out that was a mistake, you’re right, but a sifter…I don’t know, do we need to sift or not? To sift or not to sift? That is the question that some bakers ask.
Bakers don’t ask it; they say what, are you friggin’ kidding me? Of course, you sift. I presume it’s to get all the clumps out of there. If you don’t aerate your flour, it’s gonna be clumped with your tears later when it’s already baked and your goods are not as light and airy as they could be. Tell me you put peaks in your egg whites, at least. I say, I’m sorry, what are you…are you on one of those cooking shows? ‘Cause you’re sounding like a slightly duller version of one of those cooking show people, with the voice raising and the…I say okay, I was just here sifting through my thoughts about sifting. Here’s an idea; have you ever taken a sifter to the beach? You should label it. Are those like sifters? Those things…I guess they do. The screens, I used to love playing with those. I’d pretend I was panning for gold. Turned out I was panning for microscopic-sized pebbles. Or when I was a kid, cigarette filters. Who knew so…when I was a kid, that was a thing; let’s go to the beach, let’s smoke a ton of cigarettes.
I’d say look at this thing. I would pretend it was some sort of…I’d say hm, interesting. This cylindrical…this is exo-cylindrical from the famous…they’d say, no, it’s not. Put that down. Sorry, I’m sorry, mom. I don’t know how she got in here. But yeah, I don’t know if those are…I think there’s another word other than screen. I guess those are called screens. It’s not a sifter. Well, here’s a question, chef, or whoever is in my brain in there; if you had to…okay, let’s just say we were in a…we had a baking situation like one of those shows, Baking 411 or whatever you call it. You say, we need a wedding cake by…in eight hours. You were at my place and we didn’t have a sifter. But I said, I think there’s somewhere out back…there’s one of those kids’ beach toys. Yay or nay? I said, well, we could wash it. Is it better to put it through there or not to sift at all? That is the question we were asking earlier. Here’s the thing; I’m here to sift, to put aside the sifting so you can begin the drifting.
Lucky, lucky, segue there. I’ll sift through the stuff of the day and say hey, let’s aerate this, let’s relax it. You can drift off at any point. I’m gonna be here to keep you company. The reason I make this show, like I say, is ‘cause I’ve been there. I know what it’s like and I’d like to help if I can. Now, this doesn’t work for everybody so give it a few tries. See if it helps you. But I appreciate your time. I’m really glad you came by and I hope and I yearn to help you fall asleep. If you could listen for a few seconds, if you’re still with us, here’s a couple ways we keep the show going.
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