857 – Queen Cranberry on Parking | Get Besos S3 E4
You’ll get a sleepy journey to the kingdom of Bergeron where some creative problem solving will bring peace to parking.
EPISODE 857 – Queen Cranberry on Parking – Get Besos S3 E4
[START OF RECORDING]
SCOOTER: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and friends beyond the binary, it’s time for the podcast who wants to put the soft and fuzzy back in bedtime. When people say how you felt at bedtime, you know what I’m saying? I was trying for a felt analogy there. Feld…felt analogies for a thousand, Alec. Oh, Alex. Sorry about that. Once again…oh, it’s time for Sleep With Me, by the way; the podcast that puts you to sleep. If you’re confused, you might be in the right place ‘cause it’s time for Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. Here’s a couple ways we’re able to keep this podcast free for everybody.
Hey everybody, it’s Scoots and I don’t know if you’ve been on the fence about becoming a patron but now’s the time to think about it. We’ve got a lot of exciting stuff going on over there. I don’t know if you know the basics or if you’re a patron and you haven’t set up your Patreon RSS feed but whether you listen all night, you listen in the middle of the night, you listen eight times a week, you listen three times a week, but our usual schedule on Patreon is Sunday nights; you get a brand-new episode early and it’s a little bit more sleep conducive ‘cause it doesn’t have as many interruptions. Then on Monday and Tuesday nights, most patrons get a story-only episode, so people that just like the stories or like to listen all night. Then on Wednesday night is a brand-new episode, comes out early. Then Thursdays are normally…if you’re a $10 patron, a few Thursdays a month you get all intro episodes, brand-new, all intro episodes that are only available on Patreon.
Sometimes they’ll be another exclusive or something from our archive. I looked recently in the $5 patron feed, there’s over 800 episodes and there’s well over 1,000 episodes available. That includes different styles episodes and stuff, in the $10 and $20 patron feeds. If you listen to Sleep With Me a lot or you’re a super fan, or you want to be a part of a community…I think my favorite part is the brand-new episodes that go out to patrons, there’s secret patron messages at the beginning. I guess what I’m saying; if you really enjoy the show and you want to get more out of it, you want more to sleep to, become a patron. Sleepwithmepodcast.com/patron. P-A-T-R-O-N. That’s sleepwithmepodcast.com/patron. Thanks, everybody.
Alright, it’s time for the Sleepy Supporter Zone. I bet you can hear me smiling because I love making this podcast and I love that it’s free for everybody and I wanted to thank Billy and Mac’s dog parent who sponsored HelloFresh, Mac Feeders…I can’t pronounce anything I read on Instagram, but Billy and Mac’s parent whipped up a wonderful HelloFresh tilapia dinner. Looked delicious. Thank you for sharing the pics with me and thanks for letting the sponsors know that their partnership with Sleep With Me is valuable. It brings me delight ‘cause I know I can be here. Thank you, Billy and Mac. Thank your dog parent for me. If you want to be on Sleepy Supporter Zone, support a sponsor, tag them on Instagram, tag them on Twitter, send them an e-mail, include me in it so I can thank you here on the Sleepy Supporter Zone which is now over. Mystery Bard, a lot of people help out on this show. Who are they? [MUSIC, SINGING] Thanks, Mystery Bard. It’s now time to slow it down. I’m @dearscooter on Twitter and Instagram. This is even slower than normal. Now that the Sleepy Supporter Zone’s over, we can get on with the show.
INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts you’re thinking about, things on your mind, feelings, any emotions coming up, physical sensations, you know, travel, changes in time, temperature, routine. Whatever it is; it could be inside stuff, it could be outside stuff. It could be that old wind. Whatever it is, I want to help. What I’m gonna do…you know, I have this safe place set aside here just for you and I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’m using lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones.
Those are creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents, a bunch of other stuff that I can’t think of right now. If you’re new, usually I go off-topic by now but I wanted one of those creaky, dulcet meanders or superfluous thingamajigs and I’m about to go on one about thingamajigs ‘cause I think about…I like that word. But if you’re new, let me stop here because when I’m recording this, it’s the new year. By the time you hear this, it’ll be maybe the second or the third month of the year. Looking forward to talking to the future you. Holy cow, am I. But if you’re new, the beginning of the year is when I get…some new listeners come and some of them gently remind me…some of them remind me in other ways. Those are not listeners anymore, the ones that don’t gently remind me but that I really have to do an extra-good job at the beginning of the year to do some place setting for new listeners ‘cause you’re new; of course you need…I’m not being smarmy.
Of course, you need…you don’t know what this show’s about. You might be skeptical or doubtful. Totally natural. Very, very common reaction to this show. It lasts for a while, believe it or not. I wanna tell you a couple things. One, I’m glad you’re here. This podcast does not work for everybody so that’s just one heads up; even though it’s very popular, I’m lucky that a lot of listeners like to spread the word about this show organically because it works for a lot of people. It doesn’t work for everybody. I hope it works for you but the most common review says oh jeez, I listened to it two or three times and then I became a regular listener which is kind of the definition of becoming a regular listener but they said the first two or three times I wasn’t so sure. If your first impulse is that you don’t like this or you’re cringing, that’s normal. Maybe give it a shot. You don’t even need to though; I just want to help and I make this show because I believe you do deserve a good night’s sleep.
Right away, I want to run through a couple of things that can throw new listeners off; one, the show starts off with business which of course, is just a reality. I know there’s a lot of podcasts that are free and stuff but we put about a hundred hours a week or more into the podcast so to keep it free, that’s how we do it, with the business and to keep it being able to be downloaded for free whenever anybody wants it. That’s why there’s about four or five minutes of business at the top of the show, maybe sometimes…I don’t know, I tend to ramble at everything but that’s normally my goal. Then there’s an intro. This is the next thing that can throw new people off because sometimes they think that the first twenty-five minutes of the show…I don’t know, I guess that it’s all one commercial or that it’s self-congratulatory or I saw someone recently that said oh jeez, it’s just one big ask for everything.
I mean, it does start off with the business so you’re right about that. Then between the intro and the story which is about twenty minutes into the show, there’s a little more business. I could see if you only heard those two parts, you could feel that way but actually, from about minute five to minute eighteen or so, is more me rambling about nothing, more or less. I mean, that’s a little bit of a generalization. There’s business and then there’s an intro and the intro yes, it’s twelve to eighteen minutes long and it’s me trying to introduce the podcast, then going off-topic and then trying to circle back to the into. [00:10:00] Sure, in a normal podcast you would not do that. Maybe even in another different sleep podcast, you wouldn’t do that. If someone else makes a show, they might do it a different way which is totally valid but for Sleep With Me, one, I’ve learned I’m really not good at getting to the point but I’ve leaned into that.
This is the part of the show that doesn’t take so much work, going off-topic. What did I…I didn’t say whatchamacallit. I had another word earlier that I thought of. It was thingamajig, maybe. So maybe we’ll come back to that. Sorry, thingamajig. We’ll try to get back to you. I’ll try to get you on the air. Don’t worry. I did also promise some air time to the word felt though, so one of you may not…yeah, the felt used in crafting. Correct; you’re right, thingamajig. A thingamajig made of felt. We could talk about that but I got the new listener right here. I’m sorry; I’ll be back. Hey new listener, sorry about that. A little bit distracted by a thingamajig made of felt. A lovely one, by the way but I’ve got a lovely new listener here so excuse me. Oh boy, that thingamajig, once it gets its felt foot in the door, you have yourself a case of alliteration in the doorjamb or jammed in the door.
I wish I…if I had a bigger vocabulary, I would have snuck an extra piece of alliteration in there. Excellent alliteration; there you go, that would have been a triple alliteration score. Oh, new listeners. Oh, the intro; yeah, I just went off-topic there when I was trying to not but I did. The intro…the whole purpose of it really, is it was a beautiful piece of synchronicity. I was testing out the ways…formats for the show and right around, I don’t know, year one or two, you stumble on this long intro and people said that really helps me because it gives me plenty of time to wind down or to get ready for bed, or to get comfortable. It sets up the bedtime story and it takes forever but the thing about the podcast is, you could just skip ahead if you want to get right to the story. You could but the idea is, for most people that would listen to Sleep With Me, it takes a little while to get into the bedtime…I don’t know, to ease…my job is to ease you off into bedtime.
There might be other things; there could be a show…I sneeze you off to bedtime. That might be the show I listen to. Old Sneezy McGeezy, sneezing you off into bedtime with my collection of sneezes. On second thought, I don’t think that would work, but…’cause you’d say was that a recorded sneeze or is someone I know sneezing? Where was I? Oh, the intro’s extra-long to give you a chance to ease into bedtime, I guess that’s the part. Then there will be a story. Tonight, it’ll be our ongoing episodically modular series Get Besos which is just a bedtime story. You can listen to those in any order. It actually doesn’t even matter which order you listen to them in. A little bit of a bedtime story and then there’s some thank you’s in between the intro and the bedtime story, like I said, there’s a little business. That’s just how a podcast structure works. That’s the structure of the show.
That may raise more doubts than confidence but I just wanted you to know. It’s funny when I do these intros ‘cause I say well, I want you to know what’s coming but I’m kind of already…I’m not even adept at that because I’m adept at meanders and pointless meanders. That’s what I…you know. Then I go off-topic and extra words…adding in extra words. Holy cow, or noises, whatever those were; word fragments. We decided on that. Sometimes sentence fragments, thought fragments, and fragmented thoughts. I got those, mishandled metaphors and thingamajigs, especially felt ones. That’s the structure of the show. A couple other things to know…hey, thingamajig, come on over. You’re so fuzzy and felt-like. Oh, that’s really dense thelt…felt. I like that. Sorry, I did say thelt. I know that’s not a word. It could be a name for someone, like Thelt, a felt named Thelt but that would be really tough to say on the podcast ‘cause it makes a lot of those ‘th’ noises.
Where was I? Oh, so this is a podcast…also if you’re new, you don’t need to listen to it. You can kind of…actually, it’s a good thing we have the thingamajig here of felt, because you can kind of consume it in a fuzzy way. Now, felt is a fuzzy thing and I’m sure there’s different degrees of fuzziness of felt but you may think okay, well, this is a podcast you pursue loosely. If you really try to pay attention and you’re new, sometimes the podcast just gets on your nerves ‘cause you’re trying to say well, when’s he gonna get started? When’s he gonna put me to sleep? I say well, I’m here to keep you company more, and to take your mind off of stuff. Think about that. What would a lovely, fine piece of felt called…a thingamajig of felt look like to you? What would it be like if it was sitting in your lap and you were comforting it? That’s kind of what I’m going for with this podcast, a little bit.
You’d say well yeah, I don’t know what I would…’cause you might say…I mean, I would say I wouldn’t know what to do talk to a…I mean, I already did talk to a thingamajig made of felt, or felt shaped into a thingamajig but if I was…if they said well…I say boss, what am I doing today? Well, the client list; we’ve got a thingamajig of felt. You gotta go in there and build some rapport and put it to sleep immediately. I’d say boss, sounds like you got to find a new employee ‘cause I’m not…I could go over there and maybe I could look out the window with the thing, but I could comfort it. I just don’t know what I would talk to it about. Maybe that wise figure, she would say well, just be yourself and be kind. I’d say okay, where have you been my whole life? She might say well, you just started working here today. I’d say oh, thanks boss, I’ll see you later. Oh, this is a podcast you don’t really need to listen to.
Here's the other side of it; whether you’re a person or a thingamajig of felt, I’m here to keep you company as you drift off. I’m not really here to put you to sleep so there’s no pressure to fall asleep. The reason the episodes are just about an hour and ideally just a few minutes over an hour, is to give you plenty of time to drift off so there’s no pressure. The reason there’s three hundred episodes ready to go; you could listen to them back to back to back. That’s a pretty common thing. There’s a lot of people that listen all night long either to have droning background noise or for when they wake up, if they have a friendly voice to fall asleep to, or believe it or not, there’s some listeners out there that sleep’s really a kind of distant thing and I’m there to keep them company, too. If you can’t sleep, I’ll be here ‘til the very end. While my stories are circuitous, they’re pretty…they’re complete, too. They’re more secure.
Yeah, I have trouble saying circuitous. I couldn’t believe I said it on the first try, and the third, but not the second. If you’re new, those are a couple things I wanted you to know. Another thing you might not be curious about but a lot of times, at least in me, I say well, what are you really up to, then? If you’re not a podcaster, they might say you’re living that glam podcast life and I’d say well, I’m in a closet under the stairs here in my rental. I’m here because I’ve been there. That’s the real reason. It’s not for podcast glam, though I may…I don’t know if that word’s ever been used before. I’m trying to think…I can think of some glamorous podcasters. I’m not among them but I wouldn’t mind having some podcast glam. I would love to…I do love to glamorize podcasts, holy cow. I would say articles of interest, if you say well, where would I start with my podcast glam?
I’d say probably you’d start with Eva Trufelman’s articles of interest just because I’d say…that has some…that’s just the first thing that came into my mind. I probably follow it up with The Illusionist, then maybe Girl in Space. After that, where would I get some more podcast glam? I’m trying to think…maybe the Night Vale, then Jonathan Mann, his new podcast. I’m trying to think of anything…like, you know, maybe Marc Maron. But I gotta get back, sorry, now I’m going off…way off-topic. [00:20:00] Sorry, I got glamorizing podcasts and podcast glam on the brain. Oh, that was podcast glom. I had some podcast glom. They said Scoots, you’re more of a podcast glom. I said G-L-O-M? I have stuff glommed on me, for sure. Okay, so, oh, I make the show…yeah. You have plenty of time to drift off. No pressure to fall asleep. Oh, I make the show because I’ve been there.
I’ve been there tossing and turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep, trouble falling asleep, getting back to sleep, wondering what in the hey. This is what happened to me last night; I didn’t have too much trouble falling asleep, then I did the old…I’ve talked about this a lot. This is lately; I wake up, I don’t know, five minutes went by or an hour but I know it was not more than an hour and I say why am I waking up now? Then I get back to sleep, then I wake up to sleep and I’m not sure…because it’s winter when I’m recording this, I say is it like, five minutes before my alarm or please be more than three hours then, before my alarm. Then I go visit the WC. Then last night, I happened to get lucky. I said please don’t be like…the alarm was set for 6:30 so I said please don’t be 6:15. Actually, 6:15 I wouldn’t have minded. 6:10, that would be like, ugh. It happened to be 3:20 so I said well, I would have preferred if it was 3:00.
Then I said well, now a part of me thinks it’s 6:10. That’s why I make this show, because I’ve been there. I said well, I could use a bore-friend right now. I did do a little light reading. It actually wasn’t light reading but headed over to the old Southern Reach. That’s a little JV’s shoutout for anybody, or JV. Anyway, JV…that’s right. Then I did fall asleep. I’m here to help you if I can. I make this show because I truly believe you deserve a good night’s sleep. I said that the world would be a better place, your world would be a better place, right, if you’re rested. Everybody’s world would be a better place. If you’re out there in the world rested on a regular basis and flourishing, holy cow. That’s the kind of world I want to live in so that you’re empowered. That’s it; that’s why I make the show. It is different and like I said, it isn’t for everybody. I hope it can help you. Give it a few tries. I really appreciate you coming by. I work very hard. I yearn and I strive to help you fall asleep and here’s a couple ways we’re able to keep this podcast free for everybody.
Hey, I don’t know if you’ve checked out our merch store lately but you better get over there. We got stickers, we got a bore-friend shirt. We got a lot more stuff in the works, plus all the merch you’ve come to love. Stars on the rear-end of those sleepy pants and plenty more. Go over to sleepwithmepodcast.com/store. That’s sleepwithmepodcast.com/store. Check out our merch and let me know when you get your swag on. Let me know about it. Thanks, everybody.
Alright everybody, welcome to another episode of Get Besos, the tale of Richard Warren Sears and James Cash Penney’s escape from purgatory and return to Earth in a quest to get Jiff Besos, a fictional character who himself is on a quest to get Z-Biff. It’s a convoluted plot for a sleep podcast. It couldn’t be more perfect. Here’s the setup; Richard Warren Sears and James Cash Penney, fictional characters 100%. There’s other seasons of this show but for just this season, just season one, actually, they weren’t minding their own business in purgatory or whatever term…that’s just a generalized term I’m using for it. It could be another place but they were there and I think James Cash Penney, he was going through some of those stages that you go through, of forget…but Rich…James Cash…Rich…that was James Cash Penney. Richard Warren Sears was like well, I’ve had enough of purgatory once again.
Actually, for a little while, Jiff was with them but Jiff…so Jiff got out. If you have the…these are people of influence, you know? They’re kind of used to getting their way, even in places like this. They know how to grease the wheels of purgatory. You’d think purgatory’s a wheel-less place without any greasing or…but you know, what can I say? Humans…you’d think you’d post humanity, but no. Jiff left purgatory, then Richard Warren Sears wanted to leave ‘cause Jiff was on a mission to go and catch Z-Biff who was running a social…what are they called? Social shopping platform, I think it’s called, or something like social sharing and shopping platform. Z-Biff said this person, this is Z-Biff. Jiff said this Z-Biff is like the end of all goodness or whatever. May be a projection, may be just a…but he said I’m gonna go down there to Earth. Technically it’s a different version of Earth than ours.
This is a sleep podcast, so don’t worry. I’ll cloak it; it’ll seem just like our Earth, very, very similar. Yeah, I guess that’s what happened. Jiff left, then Richard said James, let’s go there and we’ll go get Jiff and bring him back to purgatory so he doesn’t get in any trouble trying to get Z-Biff. We gotta get him back to purgatory. Actually, he’s going to get him ostensibly for noble reasons but if you know Richard Warren Sears, when I first made the first two seasons, there was a lot of people that would remind you of Richard Warren Sears but not so many prominent people but prominent people now, you could say huh, that’s a bit like…Richard Warren Sears was around…you say well, what is Richard Warren Sears’s real motivations? Does he want to help Z-Biff, or Jiff get Z-Biff, or is he more worried that Jiff will get more positive attention than him? They head to Earth, Richard Warren Sears and James Cash Penney, but you know, Earth’s a big place even for somebody that’s coming from purgatory, it’s big.
Jiff could be anywhere. Luckily, they had a list of places and situations that social sharing and shopping platforms, you know, don’t make easy. They say well, that’s…I don’t know if that social shopping platforms made my life…made me flourish or spin my wheels, we’ll say. They’re going through that list ‘cause they said well, how are we going to find Jiff and how are we going to catch…or should we just go to Z-Biff? But Z-Biff’s a mysterious character, CEO founder. You can’t just show up and say I’d like to see Z-Biff. That’s just not how it works unless you’re…’cause they’re not even…I think you can follow. They’re going through this list and actually, they’re gonna talk about it, the whole exposition. They got some solid exposition coming up here. This is an ongoing…I forgot to say this at the beginning. This is our ongoing series. It’s modular, it’s episodic, a little bit serial but I caught you up on everything.
They’ve solved a couple things but they haven’t found Jiff or Z-Biff. The main characters are Richard Warren Sears and James Cash Penney, former founders of retail empires that post-life, ended up in purgatory. That’s not a judgment on…I mean, not my judgment on them. They’ve been in other places too and they were passing their time and they said well, what happened? They’re not happy with any of the founders of social shopping online platforms ‘cause they’re retail people. Oh, but Richard Warren Sears is a little bit…just in case you don’t listen to this, this is your first episode, a little bit rough around the edges and then James Cash Penney’s a little bit smoother. That’s really all you need to know. Richard Warren Sears, Richie, James Cash Penney, James, and that’s it.
Here’s our…wow, talk about having…talk about somebody…I don’t know, can you say someone’s at the height of their career when their career’s had so many highs that they’re just…instead of saying highs and lows…another facet of a career with so many facets, like a diamond in my eye, a diamond on the screen, a diamond in the sky to announce the setup of tonight’s series’ [00:30:00] mystery, Antonio Banderas. Ladies, gentlemen, boys and girls, and friends beyond the binary. It’s time for another episode of James Cash Penney and Richard Warren Sears in an attempt to get Besos. Yeah. Alright, that’s Antonio Banderas everybody. Antonio and I are gonna play…I don’t know what game we’re gonna play later, if Antonio is able to…you know, even though…what’s the difference between Antonio Banderas and a diamond? Not what you’d think. A diamond’s super quiet.
A diamond doesn’t have creaky anything, slurpy, slurpular water, toss and turn, doesn’t sigh, doesn’t have a handsome sigh or a sigh like…Scooter, I would like permission to use the rest room. I know what that sigh sounds like. Doesn’t have the…I never knew that shoelaces could be noisy until I met Antonio Banderas. But a diamond doesn’t wear shoes even though diamonds have been on the soles of shoes in a…diamonds don’t accidentally start humming…a diamond on the sole of their shoes, either. Those are a few differences but also, diamonds can’t give you that look that makes you feel like jelly on the inside and super confident somehow, and introduce the sleep podcast. This is Antonio Banderas’s Get Besos. Okay, James, go through what do I need to know again ‘cause I don’t like the sound of this already. Okay, so it’s a kingdom a bit like Monaco. Remember what Monaco is?
Yeah, the place is full of snobby people, James. A kingdom of snobs. Right, Richie, but a small, wealthy nation. This one is about the size of Martha’s Vineyard. Remember the size of Martha’s Vineyard? Yeah, James, too far to walk. Too far to walk but not big. Yeah, they’d be…also, James…also another place. Okay, well I like it at Martha’s Vineyard. Never been; I like the idea of it, actually. I’ve never been there. Okay, well, back to Monaco. Okay, well, this is called Bergeron. This is the Kingdom of Bergeron. It’s right off of…actually, it would be a bit like Martha’s Vineyard ‘cause it would be the equivalent of the United States. It’s right off the United States but it’s its own small kingdom. It’s very wealthy over time and now it’s a tourist destination so they’re able to maintain their wealth. It does have a monarchy and I don’t exactly understand the system. It’s like, the monarch still has power.
It’s managed…elected officials but it still has a monarchy. It’s not a symbolic monarchy like the queen or the king normally defers to the elected officials. Okay James, you’re losing me now. Is it…the queen or the king’s in charge? Not a figure ed. Yeah, they’re almost like…they only make the big decisions or something like that. Okay, well, why do I need to know this? Just because this is where we’re headed. The queen in this situation, Queen Cranberry of Bergeron, there’s something…that’s all we know. Queen Cranberry of Bergeron and it has a little bit about the kingdom in Jiff’s notes. Okay, listen; I can tell by the look on your face there’s something going on with you. You seem…I want to say extra…you just seem…what’s up? Just trying to help, James. Okay, but your voice fell at that last…I feel almost like you’re trying to help me by acting out or maybe I’m acting out and projecting on you.
Yeah, that’s what’s happening, James. Okay, I’m glad you wanna talk about it now because…okay, I’m just not…I can see that you’re not happy with things, James, and that’s why you’re acting this way. I wanted to talk to you about it because…not that I agree with how unhappy you are but I do have the ability to see the bigger picture and buddy, buddy, buddy, I don’t think…I think we’ve lost our way. I think this whole mission…you’re right. You’re totally right, James. This is a mistake. Okay, so you’re saying this whole thing; the mission, the Queen Cranberry mission that we haven’t started yet is a mistake or doing these missions following Jiff’s breadcrumbs is a mistake, or being here…like we should have just stayed where we were placed, where we had our consciousness, whatever. We became conscious. I can kind of remember all the other stuff we’ve been through together as best friends, where I realize I’m more of your best friend than you are of mine.
You probably have other best friends that I don’t know about. Correct. But so, should we just go back to purgatory or wherever that place is that we were? James, okay, sit down. I need to talk to you about some things, buddy. I mean, doesn’t this feel pointless? We’re running through Jiff’s list. Jiff knows everything and following through to do what? To do Jiff’s busy work, James? Now, I know that’s what you’re thinking. You don’t have to say anything. I know you agree with me 100% because you see me as your best friend and your mentor, probably your father figure too and of course, your inspiration. Oh, this just isn’t working. We need to kind of…I mean, I realize, James, that I can’t speak for you, that you just need to follow my leadership. We just need to do something more direct I think because this isn’t working for you at all.
I mean for me, James, I’m happy to help the regular people and help Jiff because the reason…I believe that this list, this isn’t stuff Jiff could do on Jiff’s own. Jiff kinda set these tasks for us to do for Jiff and Jiff’s probably watching somewhere saying oh, wow, that Richard Warren Sears, with help from James Cash Penney, when James isn’t slowing him down, that’s inspiring. I just want to watch them work. James, you know, that’s been the story of my life’s but also, I have to see the bigger picture and I have to act on your behalf, of course, as well as the broader things. Okay Richie, you’re right, holy cow, are you…you have a vision, without a doubt. Okay, so we have this list and you’re saying…I hear what you’re saying and I’m awed by it as I am by so many things you say. If we don’t go with this list, where exactly should we start? Let me just show you, operating from my limited capacity. We’re in a new world.
It’s a bit like our Earth that we lived in and then we returned to. Then when were acting under our best judgment, I think we may have de-existed it two or three times. Then we started that new Earth which I believe still exists somewhere but then we also, we de-existed the good place you go and the not good place you go. Somehow this supreme being must have just transported us back to where we belonged. None of that’s really important except that…so, we’re in a new world we’ve never been in. Seems like our world but a little bit different. We’re trying to find Jiff. We know he’s here because at the last stop they said J-Jiffy, the legendary street artist. We know that’s Jiff. But the only way we have to find Jiff is off of this list that we know Jiff is following because there were…sometimes we got to places that the things had already been figured out and they said oh, J-Jiffy was here but we don’t have any…we don’t know what order he’s doing the list in.
We do know he’s trying to either get [00:40:00] to Z-Biff or get Z-Biff’s attention but we know we wouldn’t have access to Z-Biff so from my limited viewpoint, what exactly…teach me please, wise one. Buddy, buddy, buddy, good. I’m glad. Okay James, we’re doing it right now. We’re not doing anything, right, we’re doing busy work. We’re helping people on a fool’s errand. It’s just not a good use…it would be fine it you were on your…I mean, you need me here. If you were doing this on your own in another situation, I don’t think that would work either, but just not the best use of my time, is what I’m saying, James. Okay Richie, let me try to…are you saying…are you saying that I should be…that I probably would be saying what’s in it for me? If I was as capable as you, I would be saying…but even though I’m not, I would be saying what’s in it for me? That’s basically…is that what you’re kind of saying? But that’s just my limited vocabulary.
Can you use my simplistic terms, though? ‘Cause I don’t understand the bigger ones. Okay. Yeah, what is in it for you or me, or us? Okay. I have to use your terms so no judgments because normally when people say it like that…but I understand. I’m not saying it in that way, except for your help. What is in it for me, James? I mean, the bigger picture is I have to help you. I also have to help Jiff and, in some sense, I’m learning that I have to help this Z-Biff as well who’s in this world, this society. Some people aren’t happy with the social sharing and shopping platforms and we’re seeing some of these ground-level impacts of them but for the most part, Z-Biff is cloaked in the mythology of success. I have to try to protect all three of you from that and one of the ways, James, that you all…you may understand it better than the other two, is the humbling aspect of that, to say…so that people understand that J-Jiffy is an illusion, that while I haven’t met Z-Biff, I can guarantee…or is it Z-Bizz?
But that person’s probably a nincompoop, James. Am I making sense to you now? Okay, so what you’re saying is, in my words, you’re worried about Jiff. Yes, James, greatly. Yes, yes. If Jiff could somehow succeed, either…there could be a situation where either Ziff, Jiff, and Z-Biff succeed together or Jiff succeeds in humbling Z-Biff, or Z-Biff continues to be successful and Jiff’s successful. No, those are not…I’m just imagining, Richie. Oh, okay. Go ahead because this is simple imagination, I understand. If they were successful, it would only seem that way to people like me but really, there would be some sort of unknown consequences that only you would understand that would be not good. Kind of like when you had to de-exist heaven because you thought you were…because you were in love with someone or…right, James. That’s how you saw it; you didn’t see the big picture. Totally, yes. Unintended consequences.
Look like to an outsider like Jiff came…worse case scenario would be Jiff comes to this world, rescues the world from social shopping platforms and helps make it a healthy thing, something like that. He gets all the credits, right, and there’s so many things you wouldn’t understand that would not be good about that. Really, we’re here to get Besos and save the world, and follow your lead, right? Exactly, James. I guess the best way to do that in the long-term is for me to just follow your inspiration and then the short-term, like maybe we just keep doing this while you…this is just how we’re using our time and staying busy. Maybe I’m learning. Maybe I could be more use to you the more I learn. As you start to see the bigger and bigger picture, and then you’ll figure it out. This just gives me something to do, like this Queen Cranberry of Bergeron. Almost by learning from your leadership.
You want me to help you James, by just…instead of just going straight to the conclusion and figuring it out, and solving things. I see you, James, that’s an interesting approach and I think I’ll do it for you for a time if it helps you because you do consider me your best friend and even though I’m ready to take the thirtieth step, let’s take whatever step this is, number five or six or ten. I can walk at your pace one step at a time for the time being. Yeah, so then what’s in it for me is I get to learn from you. What’s in it for you is really just, you get to shine and mentor. I don’t know, I guess you just get to see me and I guess maybe if I’m tuning into your wavelength for a second, you’re showing you can be patient and slow and still get Besos and solve everything. While at the same time, helping someone that looks up to you as best friend and a mentor and a hero. Then you’ll probably do the same.
I don’t know, maybe this is wild, my wild…I’m so blown away by you that you’re actually letting Jiff, J-Jiffy, and Z-Biff learn, even now, in lessons that you’ll point out to them later. James, don’t. Let’s focus on this Cranberry. Let’s not use up too much of your energy on figuring me out, okay? Let’s get to this thing. Let’s see if we can put you to work. I guess one other thing, Richie, is that I know you don’t want this but the thing about taking this one step at a time and solving it is that everyone remembers you and that you’re slowly showing them your brilliance. They’re probably sharing that everywhere whether in person or on a social shopping platform, talking about this Richard Warren Sears, the legend. But I know you’re not in it for the glory, but at least people get to see your light and have it…be warmed by it. Again, I could be your trustworthy assistant to just kind of follow you, right?
Yes, James, that all makes sense. Tell me about this. This is Bergeron. Wow, it’s surrounded…it’s a bit like an old medieval…it’s very…it’s a good thing we were on the ferry heading there the whole time while we talked. Yes, James. It was very educational. Richie, so yeah, those are the…I guess I don’t really have a lot of information. That’s why I shared it; it’s a bit of a mystery. I guess we just go up to the…hi, how are you doing? I’m James Cash Penney. This is Richard Warren Sears. We’re here to visit your kingdom on behalf of J-Jiff, J-Jiffy. Oh yeah, the one, the only. Oh boy. Don’t worry, Richie. They’re just playing. This is Richard Warren Sears. Yes, actually, I was mentored at J-Jiffy, if you didn’t…yep, that’s right. Oh, he’s done some art with me in it, huh? I’m sure I do look familiar. I’m glad I’m putting smiles on your faces. He had me in a wagon. Okay, anyway, we’re here to fix your problems.
[00:50:00] James, take over, please. Okay, you’re gonna take us…oh, that’s the advisor coming. Hello, hello. Yeah, we’re here…oh, thank you. You’ve been waiting? Wow. What seems to be going on? Oh, it’s your queen. Okay. I’m a little bit familiar with your kingdom but why don’t you act like we don’t know anything? Okay, so the queen lives in the castle. Okay, that makes sense. She’s become withdrawn. Oh, and it’s a big part of why visitors come. Oh, the queen used to come out three times a day and wave to the tourists or even go into town in the restaurants. Oh yeah, I’m familiar. Oh, so you have a film festival coming up. I wonder if the queen’s not there. Oh, everyone will be disappointed. Is that the glitterati, do they come? Okay, that makes sense. I don’t know if J-Jiffy is coming to the film thing. Okay, why don’t you introduce us to the queen? I’m sure…oh, okay. We just wait in here for the…oh, hello.
You’re gonna withdraw. Your Majesty, I’m James Cash Penney, this is Richard Warren Sears. Hello, my queen. Hello. Good to see you. Buddy, buddy, buddy, get up. You’re wearing a crown…oh, you’re gonna sit on the throne. Do we need to…could we sit on the same level as you just to help you, talk to you? You seem very distraught, my queen. James, go figure it out. Oh, so yeah, we’re here to help. It seems like we’re here to help you however we can. Parking. Okay, what about parking? Can you walk me through it piece by piece and I’ll say it out loud so that I understand and that James, Richard…and that Richie understands. Oh, you’re laughing. Yeah, you could call him Richie. Excuse me, you could call me…it’s fine if you call me Richie. James, you have to call me Richard or RW. Okay, RW. Okay, so something’s going on with the parking? Okay, so tell me, did this start on Z-Biff or…okay, it did.
Oh, okay, as queen you used to not really use social media and stuff. That makes sense. A kingdom had someone. Then, okay, then you had a changeover. Oh, Z-Biff said that only…oh, so they had some sort of biometric thing. You actually couldn’t post…no one could post as the queen of…Queen Cranberry except for Queen Cranberry. You had to be verified. Okay. Okay, so then what…so then, okay, so then you started using social media. How is that connected to parking? Can you tell me more? Okay, so tell me about this ‘cause I’m not really…pretend, again, Your Highness, that we don’t know anything about parking…pictures of parking. Okay, so in the community groups, in your…oh, okay, so here…tell me about the parking situation here in Bergeron ‘cause I didn’t see any cars when I first came in. Okay, so there’s walking and biking sectors, that’s closest to the castle and most of the tourist areas. Okay, that makes sense.
Oh, but then there’s where all the residents of Bergeron actually live, the year-round residents. There’s cars there like anywhere else; there’s places people go shopping for groceries and other things, okay. You were really not familiar…I mean, you’re familiar with cars and stuff but with parking…okay, so there’s people that don’t…so there’s parking rules; okay, I understand that, how you’re supposed to park your car in conventions. Okay. There’s people that don’t follow those conventions and that’s what they write tickets for, correct? Correct, but…okay. They can’t write every…they can’t catch everybody, right. Also, there’s…yeah, all rules are…even rules that are all or nothing rules, there’s still grey areas left to judgement, okay. Oh, but in these groups on Z-Biff…okay, so people would not be happy with how someone parked. They would take a picture of it, of how someone else parked.
No one would park poorly and take a picture of it and say look at how poorly I parked. That’s not what you’re saying. Okay, so someone would park their car…okay, can you…okay, I need more of an example. Okay, so the ones where there’s two lines and you’re supposed to park in between the two lines. If someone parked in the middle of one of the lines you could take a picture of that. They could also get a ticket for that, right? Technically you’re not sure ‘cause it could be…well, they could get their car removed, right? Yeah, it would be a little bit of an effort. What about a subtler one? Okay, so sometimes they might be right on one of the lines but they’re kind of in between. Someone would take a picture of that and then they would post it on Z-Biff. Okay, and then you would get very…yeah, it makes sense. Everyone else would and then people would comment on it.
Yeah, kind of like in those books where people would be in the story…yeah, in an old myth, a group of people that aren’t happy but this is on a social media…yeah, okay. Yeah, that’s really…I can see how you would feel that way. It almost makes me feel that way hearing about it now. Okay, hold on, hold on, James, Your Highness. Someone that’s…they just don’t know…they’re not very good at parking, they park their car, they leave it and people take a picture of it and say what are you doing? Is that what you’re saying? Yeah, but oh, so she’s…but rarely do the people that actually do the poor parking…the message doesn’t really ever get to them, right? Oh, sometimes it does. Okay, interesting. This has been a problem here in Bergeron and this is what’s been bothering you? Oh, at first it was. But then you realize it was everywhere in the world that has cars and parking and Z-Biff’s…oh.
Oh, and you haven’t been able to stop looking at it. Oh, it’s kind of consumed you. Well, you’re very honest about what’s happening. You’ve been kind of consumed with this poor parking. Is it the parking or the picture-taking or the commenting that’s got you? The whole thing. Oh, ‘cause it seems kind of pointless but it has a point. Oh boy, this is complicated. What you’re saying is basically that everywhere in the world but for here, we’re here in Bergeron; when someone doesn’t park well, and sometimes they’re breaking the rules, sometimes they’re breaking the conventions, people will take a…people get…it could inconvenience people but then it inconveniences even more people in some sense ‘cause someone takes a picture of it and then posts it in a kind of…everybody gets a little bit…James, they should be. This is ridiculous. Right, they get like that, okay.
So, you can’t stop basically looking at this and…maybe, believe it or not, my queen, that’s what we’re here to help you with. My idea is what if we go queen undercover? Have you ever heard of that? It used to be…it’s an imaginary TV show. Richie made it. Yes, I always thought I should be the undercover boss, James, of those shows. What if we go and…oh, you already…okay. So, you did this, okay. This is good. You went out as queen, undercover. Oh, so you’re already…it’s like Richie’s already here helping you. What did you discover as you were…oh, one, it’s very hard to catch poor parkers. Okay. [01:00:00] Oh, so you wanted to start…you actually brought bags of gold? Oh, boy. Do you have any of these bags of gold, my queen? Okay, Richie, hold on. You would give out gold coins to people that parked well? Huh, okay. That didn’t do anything; makes sense. Oh, so your idea was to dilute it, to keep reinforcing that.
Oh, this was what your original plan was. Oh, you kind of hoped to help everybody so you wanted to dilute bad this whole parking thing before it happened. You were hoping to encourage so much positive parking. Richie, what do you think of that? James, dilution is a myth. I think, actually, it’s a scientific…okay, one thing, James; dilution is a myth. You can’t dilute things that aren’t good for you. They’re still bad for you. Yeah, actually…you can’t dilute something that would give you a tummy ache is what you’re saying, Richie. You could spend a lot of time doing it but it’s only diluting it, James. Dilute, dilude. Put that in your…my queen. It didn’t work though; you tried it and they didn’t see any results. Oh, and then…oh, wow, so people would get upset about…at the other people for getting a gold coin. A little bit of jealousy. That makes sense. No, everyone’s…no one’s jealous of a bad parker.
That’s what I was gonna say, James. Okay, so then what happened? Then you talked to the administrators about getting more enforcement and catching more people doing it. That didn’t help so you tried the enforcement side. Oh, and you even tried undercover to catch them and it was very hard to find someone while they were parking that was doing a bad job. Not impossible, you’re saying. Oh, but then you didn’t even know…what would you say to them? Oh, you tried it and they said oh, I’m in a hurry, sorry. Okay, or they ignored you. Oh, or they scoffed at you. This made it more complicated, then you just went back to looking at it online. That’s kind of where we’re at right now. Interesting. What have you thought about as solutions? Just stay away from cars or stay off online. Okay. Well, we’d love it if you…Z-Biff isn’t gone away though, huh? Yeah. Oh, you looked into banning Z-Biff in your kingdom but contractually. Okay, well, that’s too bad.
Okay, what do you see as the biggest obstacle to this? ‘Cause we probably have some ideas. Richie already knew…Richard RW already knew things and so, what do you see as the biggest obstacle? Oh, he is right. You’re right. What is he right about? That you can’t dilute the feelings you have about the bad parkers. Okay, tell me about that. Okay, so there’s this idea of a haughty bad parker, or an oblivious bad parker, which some of them were, right? You said that. Okay, and what are those people like? Oh, they just kind of park how they want, when they want. They don’t care or they don’t care at all. Okay, so you’re saying some of them are aware of the rules and conventions but they just do what’s convenient for them and they don’t care what the rules are. Then you’re saying there’s a other group that don’t care what the rules are. If you got mad at them, they’d say what do you mean?
Okay, so it’s like a little bit of an entanglement, huh. But that’s not everyone. There are some people that are just in a hurry or they’ve only parked poorly one time. Oh, and those are probably the majority of people, that everybody does it. Oh, but the idea of those two groups, that they’re getting away with something. Yeah, I can see…okay, yeah. Richie, what do you think we should do here? Well, James, I think the queen should take it under her power. I mean, I have a couple ideas. I’m feeling…you’re right, James. You should listen to me and we should sit calmly for a little while here. Yeah, we should because you’d almost imagine casting them out of Bergeron, right, queen, my queen? Queen Cranberry? Can I call you Queen Cranberry? Call you Cran…can I call you Cranny? That was your grandmother. That’s what I thought. You probably imagined casting them out but that wouldn't do any good.
That would be almost…that's almost what they're…that's what people want to do on the social…it's almost like a fantasy getting played out, that by S-H-A-M-I-ing them and identifying them and piling on those posts, that it's like a faux version of casting them out. Okay, but we probably can't…oh, you couldn't do that. You looked into it and it wouldn't be a good idea. Okay, and what if it's mostly imaginary? You're right, Queen Cranberry. I don't know but you did say something about…there's some of those people that are oblivious and unaware and then there's some people that are choosing and don't care, and that also accidentally rhymes. What about working on the awareness side of it? Is there a way to do that? Okay, so you're saying more of an awareness, almost as an…oh, wait, so you're looking at this like an experiment. Well, that's a powerful way to deal with it but still making people choose.
Okay, so tell me your idea 'cause Richie and I, we just want to help you. It sounds like you're fixing things and we want to help put you in action and pull you…we're just here to help, right? Right, James. I'm thinking of the solutions now, Queen Cranberry, so tell me if they align with what I'm thinking. Oh, so you have a book about a lavender scarf. Oh yeah, we've heard of it as a scarlet…yeah, we had a scarlet letter. Okay, so tell us about this. You were thinking of a lavender flag. Okay, and you would rule. As a monarch, this would be a rule. Oh, a test, a test rule. But you could just do this. Okay. Someone parks out of the convention; someone would stick a lavender flag on their car. Oh, on the roof of the car, okay…that's not possible to remove. Okay, then what would that do? Oh, it would make it easy to write a ticket if it was…okay. Oh, and you would also increase the ticket costs to cover all this.
That makes sense, too. Oh, but you do get, the first time…okay, so the first time it happens the flag just stays there but you don't get a ticket. It's on the second flag that you would get a ticket. If you're…now, what if you're just breaking convention? Oh, the flag would just stay there. Okay, and how hard is it to get these flags off? Oh, it's built into the Cloud so if someone took it off…oh, that would also be a ticket. Okay. They have to leave it on their car. Okay, and what would that do? Oh, it would make them aware; you're right about that. Oh, also, parking lots…oh, so parking lots could ban people with three flags. They wouldn't be banned from Bergeron. Okay, no, now you're thinking as we're talking. This is…so, you'd have the worst parking spots at every…a limited number of the worst parking spots for three or more flags. Oh, and then two flags would be not great parking, either.
Okay, but you would figure it out; if someone needed to be parked closer, you would work with them. Okay, because of the fines you'd have, you could give them a ride, even. They would still have to park far away but if they needed mobility assistance, you'd be there. Okay, that makes sense. Also, what would…oh, if they parked with three flags wherever they wanted, their car would just get moved away. [01:10:00] The same would go for the city streets; you'd just have to park somewhere not convenient. You couldn't even park in front of your house. Makes sense. If people didn't care, they could just drive around with those flags all the time and they'd say I choose to park how I wish or to risk getting a ticket. Okay, that makes sense. What if you want to get the flags off of your roof? Okay, public service. They could get it off if they…oh, if they worked at the food bank. That's a good one. Oh, if they worked…oh, parking assistant.
Oh, if they worked at a crossing; crosswalk or parking, or area…oh, you're saying they would have to go through a course to do this, too. Going through the course would already get you a future flag removed but to get current flag…okay. You just have to work, basically. I mean, that sounds interesting. Basically, if I had parked once bad but it wasn't illegal, I could get a flag on my roof. It wouldn't matter to anybody. Everybody will probably have a flag, more or less. If I get that second flag it probably will have an impact and then the third flag would be a big-time inconvenience or more. Okay, and then…also, you're right, it would slow me down and it would be pretty…but then, if I worked a day or two, a few shifts of something of service that you're listing only, okay, I could get them removed. Okay, and it would have to be me. I couldn't do it for Richie. Okay, that's good, too. What if my kid had my car or something?
Oh, it would be…they would know that. Okay, because their license. Z-Biff has an eye on everything, huh? This would be using the Z-Biff platform, too, the Z-Biff Cloud, huh? People would just basically have to choose. This makes sense; I have one other question. Richie, you might ask it. Thank you, James. My queen, I'm sure I can help you solve this but you do have to think of the nincompoops who puts the flags on the cars. Okay, so you thought of that, too. Okay, so placing a flag is almost…okay, so that is like, even more serious. Okay, so anyone could place a flag…oh, you have to buy the flags or you could work volunteer for flags. But placing the flag incorrectly or just out of…you couldn't…Jiff's very jealous. I know you don't know who Jiff is. No, no, not J-Jiffy, an imaginary Jiff. Many people are jealous of Richard, Richie here. You're right, James. They would try to place flags on my car.
I would have a driver, anyways, who would be responsible but they would do that. Oh, so that would be actually outlawed. That would even have more consequences so you wouldn't be in a hurry to place a flag unless you knew. Okay, that makes sense. Well, I mean, I guess since this is its own kingdom, I think if you do it as an experiment, my queen, I think you're on the right place. Well thank you, thank you. I hope this helps with you move into things. Oh yeah, you're gonna shoo us out? Thank you, my queen. Thanks, Queen Cranberry. You have a lovely kingdom. James, I'm glad I was able to help that queen figure things out. Yeah, I don't know, Richie. I got a feeling, like what you said at the beginning, it started to rub off on me. I'm kind of left with an empty…listen, James. I know you feel like we're repeating ourselves. Why don't you lie down here? This is the guest area.
Look at all these…yeah, look at all these pillows, you're right. Just lie down because I'm tired and I want you to rest. Let's get some rest and then we'll go to the next thing on our list. Goodnight. Okay, I wanted to thank everybody who reviewed the show recently. I wanted to thank Staple K who said the show was best. Nothing helps the anxious kind fall asleep like Scoots. Tim is not happy with the podcast anymore, so thanks Tim. Barbie said Scoots, Scooter helps me fall asleep every night but who helps Scooter? Just a routine. I mean, I guess…T Lovin says Zs, couldn't make it ten minutes before falling asleep, saved me. Weird at first but then put me right to sleep. I listen almost daily and I've been getting the best sleep since I found this podcast. Thank you. Oh, O-W-O-R-M?? That's a good name. Is that what Dennis Rodman's mother would say to him when he did something wrong?
Oh, W-O-R-M. Anyway, very distracting but that's the point. Love this podcast not just for sleeping but for winding down, grounding, he just talks about nothing, exactly what I need when stuff's not easy. CosmoMimi does not like the uhs or the podcast. That last ugh was not even on purpose. The new year is when I'm recording this and that's when we get a lot of new people that don't…they come to check out the show, they don't really know a lot about it, and that can have strong reactions. This person, they have a positive review but their thing sounds like it doesn't. IDon’tNormallyComplainBut is their nametag or whatever but they love this podcast; calming voice, avoiding words that might wake me up, helps me sleep. Try it out; you'll be out in fifteen minutes. Then we have Holly who finds the creaky, dulcet tones grinding, and then TiredandCranky; at least they're…they said seven minutes in, still babbling nonsense. Skip all that.
If I skipped it, I wouldn't have a podcast. They want me to get to the point, which I kind of talk about the intro sometimes. Totally normal expectation. Let's see what else we got. Love the podcast. That's from M-N-F-L-S-H-R-N-F. They like the glass slipper. Yeah, they love the podcast and they loved those characters. I think that's it, so thanks everybody for reviewing the show. Sleep With Me exists as a free podcast 'cause the people that do stuff, like write reviews and spread the word is how we grow. People that support the show or the sponsors or the merchandise, that's how we keep it free for everybody so that's cool, too. Thank you so much for everybody that does that. But that's it. Here's the podcast from Night Vale Presents I want you to hear about. Thanks, goodnight.
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