775 – All Intros Spring 2019 Edition

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, friends beyond the binary, it's time for the podcaster who not only is his little logic ovular, his ears or ovular too, and some might say overly ovular. Why am I talking about talking about talking in circles? Because the Stanford Sleep With Me podcast gently circles its way to your ears and puts you to sleep. Here's a couple ways we make the show possible. I want to thank all our patrons. Don't adjust your ears, because this episode is intro after intro after intro. An intro mash-up, taking a little thing and making it new for the long weekend, an extra long set of intros. Our patrons who support the podcast, $10 a month up, get this twice a month. Two all intro episodes every single month. Holy mackerel, right? If you want to become a patron, just go to sleepwithmepodcast.com/patron. I'm going to turn it over here to Scoots to keep going with the intros. Keep going, Scoots. On with the show.

Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep with Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play. I'm going to do the rest. What I'm going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever's keeping you awake, whether it's thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, you know, your body's doing something, your emotions are churning.

Maybe somebody started doing laundry at like 10:30, and you say, “What are you doing that for?” Or maybe you said, “Why didn't I start doing laundry?” It could be laundry related. May not be. More than likely, it's not. That just could be me. You say, “Did I leave the laundry in there?” Or what about the one where it's like, you check the laundry at 6:00, somebody's got dried or wet laundry. You say, “Okay.” Check it at 7:00. Okay, they should have been home, or they started laundry when they left for work. 8:00, nope. 9:00, you say, “Okay.” It's 9:00 PM starting laundry if you live in an apartment building cutoff time, just start it. That was a trick question. Definitely, it should be finished [inaudible 00:02:42] finished by 10:00.

Anyway, I'm off tangent already. What was I going to say? This is a podcast to take your mind off [inaudible 00:02:48] create a safe place where you could set aside whatever's keeping you awake. Any of that stuff, like I said. The way I'm going to do it, is I'm going to send my voice across the deep, dark night. I'm going to use a lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders. Obviously, I'm going to get distracted and talk about stuff [inaudible 00:03:09] like rambling. I think that's what that's called. I don't know if I do any soliloquies. I'll have to look that up. That's a tough word to say, but it's … Like soliloquy. When you can say it, it's not bad.

I don't know where this is coming from, but sometimes when I say a word, it puts an image in my mind. I would like to be lying in a canoe. That's what soliloquy makes me think of. It'd be nice if I could play the banjo. I would be playing the banjo lying down in a canoe in a river or a bog or a swamp, a river that's barely moving, and I'd be playing a song. I don't know if it'd be a soliloquy or song about soliloquy or about the beauty of soliloquy. That's what it would be. Also [inaudible 00:04:08]. That's another possible book that may never come out one day in Gingerbread Press. What did I say, the beauty of soliloquy? Maybe one with solitude, solitude and soliloquy, the beauty of soliloquy companion. There you go, two for one there.

If you're new though, sorry about that, I'm here to take your mind off stuff, to keep you company here in the night. I go off topic. I'm here to be your borefriend. Let me see if I can explain. Structurally, here's what to expect. The show starts with about four minutes of business. That's how we keep over 650 plus archived episodes free. So thank you for checking that out, the sponsors and all that stuff, for supporting the show. If you're new, check the show and see if you like it first. Thank you for listening to that. Then we have an intro, which we started. Intros are usually around 12 to 14 to 15 to 11 to 16 minutes or so. It's a show within a show where I talk about, I don't know, sometimes, I guess stuff pops in my brain, soliloquies, soliloquies, canoes. How about lollipops? I wonder if lollipops and soliloquies are related? I don't know.

The intro is where I kind of, ideally, in a perfect world, the intro would be about four minutes, if it wasn't a sleep podcast. It'd be a bit like the teaser. I say, “This is it, the podcast to put you to sleep.” And then I would like count down, like if it was a podcast that didn't work but sold for $25 an episode, it would say, like I'd say, “This is it, the podcast to put you to sleep. 10, nine,” and then I'd snap my fingers. I'd say, “You're in a canoe. You're gently rocking. A banjo plays in the distance. [inaudible 00:06:11] banjo is in your hand. A lollipop is in your mouth, and a soliloquy is on the tips of your lips. You're in perfect solitude. As I count down from 10, you'll be asleep. Please send your payments.” Then they'd say, “Hey, by the way, if you want to finish this episode, send 29.95 to Battle Creek, Michigan,” and all that stuff. But this podcast's a little bit different, has that stuff, because I don't know, it has all that extra stuff.

The intro is where I try to explain what the podcast is, because it's not a guru-based podcast. It's not a quick fix or a instant fix, it's a friend, a friendly voice here to keep you company and to bring a little bit of silliness and levity to bedtime. You just say, “Hey, well I could listen to this or whatever,” you know, say, “Huh, let me listen to Scoots. He's not really making a whole lot of sense, but he kind of is. Soliloquy is, it's got that lull in the middle there. Scoots' tones, he says they're lulling and soothing and creaky, dulcet tones. What could have more pointless meanders than a river when you're lying in a canoe, and you know it's like a old river?” So you say, “Well, I'm just going to kick back in the canoe and look at the sky and listen and hold this banjo and enjoy my lollipop.”

Okay. That's the intro is where I try to explain what the podcast is, use a metaphor or something barely resembling a metaphor, in this case the solitude of soliloquies and banjo playing while having a lollipop. Maybe that can be a good way to sing with a banjo. Because you have something in your mouth, your voice would sound a little different. Maybe try start with a cover of Ain't No Hole in the Washtub and see where it goes from … You know, Emmet Otter. Who's your favorite banjo player? Emmet Otter. Did Emmet Otter play the banjo, or was that somebody else? Was that his friend with the mustache? Yeah, the beaver, whatever it was.

Okay, moving on. So that's the intro. Then there's a story. Tonight's our episodic modular, with just a little spice of cereal dashed on top of it. It's a story, bedtime story, to keep you company. Pretty dense, but rich with dream-like imagery. That's what it says on the tin, tonight's tin. The story will be there about 45, 50 minutes, and then we'll have some thank yous at the end. Between the intro and the story is like another sponsor that helps keep the show going. That's about it for the … That's how the show or the [inaudible 00:09:18] how the show works, I have no idea. I'm just floating in a canoe in my own mind.

But structurally, here's the thing, you don't need to listen to me. Just imagine, and actually that would be an ideal moment. If you were kicked back in a canoe and you had a lollipop or you were really feeling good, like the perfect temperature. There's so many things to listen to. You could be listening to the sounds of the water. Maybe there's birds, maybe there's insects, maybe you're playing the banjo, or maybe someone else in the distance is playing the banjo, or maybe it's an echo of your banjo. I don't know. Maybe the banjo … And you say, “Is someone really playing the banjo, or am I imagining it?” And then maybe you're looking at the clouds in the sky.

What was my point? Oh, you don't need to listen to this podcast. You could just kick back and kind of listen, just like our banjo, like a soliloquist. Is that someone that does soliloquy, is a soliloquist? I don't think I've ever pronounced words. I don't know what happened. What was the last thing I had? A Life Saver. I've never felt, I don't know, my tongue's never … I don't know if I've been doing tongue exercises, but it feels like that, soliloquist. “Soliloquist for 400, Alec.” Oh, that's not a topic. Okay.

So you don't need to listen to me, obviously. I mean, come on, my favorite banjo player at this moment's Emmet Otter. You might say, “What the heck is Emmet Otter?” I would say, “Well, in this winter, you'll find something wonderful to discover.” You don't need to listen to me. You're also under no pressure to fall asleep. I'll be here for about an hour to keep you company. You can fall asleep and drift off at any time. I want to give you plenty of space and plenty of companionship because for me, I couldn't fall asleep, and I would listen to Dr. Demento. Knowing that was there for me, to keep me company for a few hours, it just loosened something inside me, and gave me room to breathe and relax despite the tossing and turning. So you could drift off at any time, or if you can't sleep, I'll be here. I'll be here for an hour. Or you could start looping the episodes or making a playlist. I think that's it.

I mean, I've been there. Even last night this week, I don't know what's been going on with me, but I've been tossing and turning, temperature unregulating. My temperature regulation went off. I had had it down. I think maybe the temperature outside changed. It was like so, for the Bay Area where I live, cold, which is not cold at all for most of you. But we don't use our heat as much, so I had to like, let's see, I had my sheets, then I had my, what do you call it, comforter with my nice duvet cover on there. Then I had my blanket on top of my, I have a blanket, not a blankie. This is a blanket. And then I had a weighted blanket, which I've been testing out. So I had all those layers. And then I have a fan blasting. Even though its cold I say, “Okay, let's keep it colder.” Maybe that was last week or two weeks ago. It made the perfect temperature where I needed all those layers to stay warm, but I wasn't too warm. This week, no dice.

Last night, I was trying to sleep. I couldn't find the right combo. What's my point? My point is that whatever's keeping you awake, I really truly believe you deserve a good night's sleep. I want you to be able to go out there and at least cope with the world. But I want more for you. I'd like you to flourish. I'd like you to have a, what is it, amor fati or whatever, you know, to be able to embrace life out there and spread the love around, however you do it. This is how I do it, is say, “Well, I know what it's like. I might not know exactly what you're going through, but I feel for you truly. This is my way of helping.”

Now, it doesn't work for everybody. For a small percentage of listeners that don't listen after the first listen, it doesn't work for them. That's cool. But most regular listeners say, “Give it two or three tries, see what happens.” Because alls I want to do is help. I appreciate you checking the show out and listening. I work very hard because I yearn and I strive to help you fall asleep. All right. Let's get this message of how we keep the show going, and then let's get on with the show.

Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play. I'm going to do the rest. What I'm going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever's keeping you awake, whether it's thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, changes in temperature or weather, travel, changes in schedule, maybe work a second or third shift. What's up, shift workers? Or you work in some sort of environment like you're away for work, like somewhere globally, and you're sleeping and working, you know, you're on a project.

I'm here for you. I'm here to help, whatever it is. I'm going to try to create a safe place. I'm here if you're new. I'm going to try to earn your trust, those of you that I can, try to make you feel comfortable. I'm going to send my voice across the deep, dark night. I'm going to send my care too. I don't know if you can feel that. I'm trying to actually open my heart. I think Madonna once told me how to do that. But I don't want to earworm anybody, but it's not that hard. It is just about turning a key. It's not that simple, though, I've found. What I'm going to do, is send my voice across the deep, dark night. I'm going to use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, tangents. I'll have superfluous, superfluidity mispronunciations for sure, and word make-ups. How about word make-outs? Have I ever talked about that? I've probably done, whatever, 650-something intros, have I ever said word make-outs? Maybe we could come back to that, or word superfluidity. You could have superfluidity, right? Superfluidity. Instead of saying superb, you just say superfluidity.

I guess I'm almost there in being able to say that, but let me get to the new listeners. Welcome. If you're new, give this podcast a few tries. I'm glad you tried it out. If you're skeptical, welcome. I'm a skeptic myself, so I can't blame you for … You say, “This podcast's supposed to put me to sleep? You're not even, you can barely string words together.” I say, “I'll tell you what, about four minutes, I may put two words on a blind date or two letters and a blind date and see if they kiss.” Let's just start with the dating, right? Do we pair up vowels and consonants? We'll think about that in a minute. New listeners, welcome. Give the show a few tries. Doesn't work for everybody, but for the people it works for they say, “It took two or three tries before I realized there was no realizing or understanding what this podcast is, it just is.”

It is what it is. I could see I and S going out. I don't know. Or maybe they'd be two friends going on a double date with two other letters. But if you're new, here's the structure of the show. First four minutes or so are business, doing the business at the top of the show and the business between the intro and the story. That's how we keep over 650 archived episodes free. Thank you to everyone that tweets and spreads the word about our sponsors or supports the show directly. Thank you so much. That's how we keep the show free and of high quality. So thanks for sitting through that, if you're new.

Then there's an intro. The intro is around 12 minutes. Normally in the intro, I try to explain what the podcast is, or I go on some strange tangent, where my brain just runs off with an idea like word make-outs. “I'll take word make-outs.” That could be on Jeopardy!. “I take word make-outs for 500, Alex.” I, S, is. What is two words that may make out? Sorry, I was in the middle of an intro. I got to get back to you. Go ahead and do double jeopardy, whatever you need to. I probably would have been in the negative anyway. Alex, have you ever thought about doing a Jeopardy! for adults that are like kids? You have Teen Jeopardy!, I think, College Jeopardy!, Celebrity Jeopardy!, regular, Tournament of Champions, what about Jeopardy for like goofball? No, because then you'd have to have funny people. I'm talking about people like me that are a little bit … Jeopardy! for people that are a little bit off. “I'll take a little bit off for 1,000, Alec.” “What is Scooter?”

We're just getting back to the intro? Okay. So then there's an intro. The intros are where I, again, it's a monologue, I guess, where I try to explain what the podcast is for about 12 minutes. It's like a mix of the familiar, but it's different every time. That is kind of part of my method, I guess, of the podcast is I want you to feel like as you listen, you get used to it. You say, “Oh, this does feel like a safe place. This is my borefriend here to help me fall asleep because he's been there, unable to sleep.” But I also believe that the parts of your brain that can keep you up at night, whether it's by overthinking or ruminating or any of that stuff, that you're a real intelligent person.

So the brain parts, I call them brainbots, they're also equally intelligent. You can't slip much by them. They need variety, or that's at least my belief is like, it'll only be distracting. If I only did four episodes, you'd say, “Well, [inaudible 00:20:44] a routine now, Scoots. You're not going to put me to sleep. I'd rather have you ramble about nothing that makes any sense in a different way every time,” and that's what I do. So variety, they say, I don't know if it's the slice of life or the spice of life. There's two words that could date one another, slice and spice. What if we put slice and spice, we'll have slice go out with is. Okay, so we have two words paired up. You'd say, “Well, I thought you were doing letters.”

[inaudible 00:21:19] try and explain the podcast to new listeners. The intro, some listeners get ready for bed during the intro. They prep for bed. It's like their wind-down routine. And then during the story, which comes after the intros, they fall asleep. It's a bedtime story. Tonight, it'll be a bedtime story related to an episode of Doctor Who, but it won't necessarily resemble the episode except in a foggy mirror sort of way, so it'll be lulling and soothing and rambling and tangential. It'll have some superfluidity.

Also, I don't do those ones. I wish I could say that's part of my method, but that's just how my mouth and my brain work. The connection's a little bit miswired. I'm organically miswired. What about a teacher name … Has there ever been a novel with a teacher named Miss Wired? I'm surprised I never had a teacher … I've had a lot of teachers that if I could … When I write one of my fictional autobiographies, I'll rename them as Sister Mary Helen Wired. Yeah. She was my Sister Wired, Miss Wired. I guess Miss Wired is better than Sister Wired. Sister Wired sounds like she drinks too much coffee, where Miss Wired, she sounds like she'd be by the book.

Where was I? Oh, okay. Then I'll be talking about Doctor Who for about 45 minutes. And then there'll be some thank yous at the end. All told, I'll be here around an hour. You don't need to listen to me. You're under no pressure to listen. You can listen because if you need company in a deep, dark night, I'll be here. I'll be here until the end giving it my all. But I don't expect you to listen. I just want to keep you comforted, to be your companion here. You're also under no pressure to fall asleep. That's why the shows are around an hour, so you have plenty of space to unwind, to get into bed, maybe start playing the podcast, and you do some reading. I don't know if that works for you or not, or you do some light journaling while the intro's going. That's usually how it works. And yeah, you just go to sleep at your leisure.

That's it for the new people. You're right, though, I can't really imagine, I was thinking about the word make-out, or letter, was it? Did I say word make-out or letter make-out before? What about make-up for letters? What letters couldn't use make-up? I mean, what do we say about that? I'll tell you what, I'm not a make-up artist, but I wouldn't mind putting some make-up on the letter M, really like a lot of space to work with, and some lovely angles that we could really enhance. And then maybe you'd be letter M, then you'd be maybe ready to go out on the town, get to know someone, and see how it goes. Not necessarily, you know, just kisses on the cheek. Because I guess for an M, you clearly do have cheeks, at least in my imagination.

Who would I fix the letter M up with? Hmm. Maybe a T? Yeah, I could see the M and the T going out. “Letter M, I'd like you to meet, capital M I'd like you to meet lowercase t. Friends with both of you. I know you both enjoy wearing make-up, particularly with [inaudible 00:25:06] or whatever we call that, make-up artist. I also know you love listening to KDFC classical listener-supported radio. I just wonder, why don't you to get two know each other and have a chat? Yeah, go off … [inaudible 00:25:25] not near the intro because I got to finish this intro up.”

Hey, listeners, I think I've successfully set up a date between two letters, capital M, and lowercase t. They both look great, but they both look great without make-up on too, so either way. But I think they have a lot to talk … I think they're also into like parasailing or something, or jet ski. I don't know. So they have a lot to talk about. I don't know what else letters talk about, like the favorite words they've been a part of? It'd be interesting because they'll definitely have differences. That'd be good because a lowercase letter has, like an M will have a lot of experience with proper nouns and being at the front …

It'd be like a little bit like how you're supposed to date people that are not the same … like a lot of people [inaudible 00:26:22] you're supposed to, but they say, “Oh, the oldest sibling,” you know what I mean? Maybe like a capital M and a lowercase t, I don't know even who their siblings are on the birth chart, or whatever the heck they call that. Who'd have thought that … This is really intriguing to me. That's why I make this show, I think. I say, “Well, I could talk about this for hours.” Not many people would want to listen. I understand that. That's why I think it's great that you could fall asleep while I just sit here and ponder.

Where would I send, like if this was a game show and then I was like paying for the date? I don't know. I think I would send them just on a walk, maybe to go to a spa where you get your make-up removed, especially when I put it on, because to be honest, I'm not an artist. I don't know what I'm doing. So they could go to like an exfoliation bar. That might be nice for them. Anyway, I would posit, as I say every once in a while, that no matter if what I said made any sense at all, oh boy, I think an M and a t … The t just put its head on what I believe is M's shoulder, very cute. They are holding hands, I think. They're feeding ducks at the duck pond, in my mind. Would you believe my mind? I guess you would believe it if you're a regular listener, that my mind has a duck pond. And yeah, it's pretty tepid in there, but good for feeding ducks on the first date. Yeah. Let's just give them their privacy.

We're glad you're here if you're new. Podcast's a little bit different, but it takes your mind off of stuff, and you don't need to listen to it. Give it a few tries, start the intro as you get ready for bed, get used to it. Ease yourself into bedtime. I'm here because I want to help, because I've been there. So give it a few tries, and I hope I can. I work very hard. I yearn and I strive to help you fall asleep. So thanks again for coming by, and let's keep this show going.

Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do, or all you could do if you so choose to, is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play. I'm going to do the rest. What I'm going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever's keeping you awake, whether it's physical, something physical that's keeping you awake, something that's on your mind, something you're experiencing emotionally, changes in routine or weather, travel, work, life stuff, any of that life stuff.

Even if you had one too many … I think there's a drink called LIFEWTR. You might have had a couple [inaudible 00:29:37], “Well, I'm going to listen to the podcast for about 40 minutes,” and then [inaudible 00:29:41] LIFEWTR, and then get back in bed. That could be a reason. I'll be here for an hour. Or you woke up in the middle of the night, you said, “Man, one too many LIFEWTRs,” or tea. That's happened to me. I say, “Okay, no more tea at bedtime,” because tea equals the letter P. They rhyme for a reason, not just in the music, man, in the bedtime biz too. Capital T or small minor case t, whatever you call it, it rhymes with P, and that stands for pool, but not like … You know what I mean.

Don't pee in the pool either. By the way, it's not summertime yet, but don't pee in the pool. That has nothing to do with … What I was trying to say is, I'm going to try to create a safe place where you could set aside whatever's keeping you awake. I'm going to try to make you feel welcome. I don't know if I did that because if you pee … You say, “Well, Scoots, it feels like …” Okay, well, if you want to pee in the pool, the odds of me being in the pool with you are low. I can relate. I acknowledge both sides of the pool peeing issue. I got to move on from it, even though my brain is caught up in it.

I guess I didn't mean to get into a issue-based, this is as big an issue as will come up on this podcast ideally. I'm trying to [inaudible 00:31:13] change the subject. My brain just says, “Keep talking about it.” No, no, no, no, no. It's time for Sleep With Me, not time to talk about pool issues, because then we could get into towel, like the towels and stuff, [inaudible 00:31:29] like flip-flops or no … Some people call them thongs. Some people call them flip-flops.

I'm going to try to create a safe place. I'm going to send my voice across the deep, dark night. No running, that's another thing. I don't know what's going on with my brain. It's in summer mode. I'm going to send my voice across. Don't worry brain, I'll re-engage you in a few minutes. Let me get to the new listeners first before we talk, [inaudible 00:31:55] try to make a metaphor about pools. I'm going to send my voice across the deep, dark night. I'm going to use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, brain calming, emotional soothing.

That was the name I think of one of my bands I never made. They say, “Was it Emotional Healing?” No, no. And it wasn't the other kind of healing. I don't have any experience in that either. It was called Emotional Soothing. What kind of music was it? Muzak-like music, but then they told us that was [inaudible 00:32:29] brand. It was just mostly me humming, actually. It was called Emotional Soothing because it soothes me emotionally when I hum. I thought I'd go on tour, but then I realized … Let me get to the new listeners. I went off tangents. There's a lot of tangents in this podcast, but in an attempt to emotionally soothe.

So if you're new, let me get to that. If you're new, here's the structure show, first four minutes or so are business. That's how we keep the show [inaudible 00:33:03] on all the archives free, are the sponsors at the beginning of the show and between the intro and the story. So thank you for listening to that part, and thank you for supporting the show. That's how we can keep 650 plus shows. Pretty cool. You can pick and choose. Then there's an intro. We're about six, seven minutes into it. The intros are about 12 to 14 minutes of me rambling in a familiar way. Some people fall asleep during the intros, and some people get ready for bed during the intros. A lot of different ways to use the show.

But the intros are a part of the podcast, a show within a show. Not very showy, unless you count going off topic and forgetting … Oh, pools. What was the second topic? Emotional soothing. And then I usually try to make a metaphor about what the podcast is [inaudible 00:34:04] during the intro. Then we have a story which is about 45 minutes of like bedtime story. Tonight, I don't know what the story will be yet. It's coming up. It should be good and lulling and soothing, ideally. And then we'll have some thank yous and stuff. The show's about an hour. I'll be here about an hour. If you're new, you're under no pressure to listen, no pressure to like the podcast, actually, and no pressure to fall asleep. Just see what happens. That's what I say. Come check it out. Like a pool, you say, “Hey, test the water, see how it suits you.”

In some sense, like a pool, you never know. I mean, at least with me, my daughter is at the age where anytime we stay anywhere with a pool, she wants to go use the pool. I say, “Well, how about I just take a nap? Why don't you take a nap instead of going into that pool? I think it's like 54 degrees outside.” “Oh, don't worry, the pool will be heated.” “Well, will it be heated everywhere?” And then you get to the pool, and sometimes, at least for me, I say “Oh, boy, I'm not getting in.” She said, “Come on, let's get in. Let's play a little like chase or whatever.” I say, “It's not my temperature.” She said, “Well, you didn't even test the water.” I said, “Okay, you got me. Okay, there's my toe. I don't know. I don't think it's my temperature.”

But then if I test the water, sometimes I'm wrong. Sometimes I say, “Okay, it's going to take some getting used to,” that would be this podcast, probably. But there's other times I get in there and I say, “Oh boy, it's delightful. This is the perfect temperature.” I say, “What was I resisting?” I get in there and I'm saying, “Oh boy, this is great.” You swim around, you go under.

Here's my favorite thing, this has nothing to do with anything else. If you're into getting into pools, I like to sit on the bottom of the pool. I don't know if anybody else is into that, but I find it very relaxing. What you do is, you just exhale, close your mouth or whatever, and then you just sit down on the bottom for a little while. You can choose. You could sit like a guru would sit. That can be fun. You could cross one leg and pretend you're having tea. That's another one. If anybody's watching, then you get that performance aspect too. But sometimes, just sit down, like just say, “Well, wherever my butt lands, I'll just do that, and I'll sit down here.” I don't know.

They say, “Scoots what do you do to relax?” “I sit on the bottom of a pool for however long, two minutes, three minutes, 30 seconds.” They say, “Scoots, what's your …” They don't say, “What's your jazz,” they say, “What's your cup of tea,” but there's another word for it, like, “It's not your swerve.” Getting your swerve on is something different. [inaudible 00:37:11], “What's your jam?” I was just listening to a podcast [inaudible 00:37:15] volunteer and teach podcasting on Mondays. I think someone said, “What's your jam?” I said, “Well, sitting at the bottom of a pool.” Is that like sitting on a dock of a bay? I bet you it actually isn't that much different now, but you're just underwater. Little bit quieter down there. I find it relaxing.

I don't think I found a way … It would be too much work to do it like for a long time, so I just say, “Well, when I need air, go back up.” I guess that's what this podcast, what I'm shooting for is, whatever that experience is for you, you may be scratching your head. You're in bed, you're scratching your head. You say, “Really? That [inaudible 00:38:01].” That is a real hobby. If I get in the water, that's the first thing I'm thinking, “Okay, when am I going to be sitting down?” I do it in lakes too, not just pools. [inaudible 00:38:13] my eye open. I keep my eyes open. Usually, I try to bring some eye drops.

Where was I? Oh, so yeah, I'm hoping to create a … That relaxes me. I don't know what relaxes you, but I'm going to try and take your mind off of whatever isn't relaxing you, because its bedtime and I really believe you deserve a good night's sleep. So I'll be here to distract you. Maybe you'll be like the other pool patrons in looking quizzically at a man drinking tea at the bottom of the pool. That's a way to distract you. You say, “Okay, I'm wondering why that gentleman's down there pretending to sip tea. Oh, now he's constructing, not constructing, conducting an orchestra.”

You're not thinking about all those kids that are making so much frigging noise while you're trying to relax. You're kind of relaxed because you're kind of distracted. [inaudible 00:39:06], “Is that what he's doing? Is he constructing? Oh, now I think he's giving a speech or debating. He's sitting on the bottom of this pool, and he's, maybe he's miming. Interesting. I never seen anybody do any miming routines at the bottom of a pool before. But he seems very … He has a placid look on his face. Oh, now he's coming up and getting some air. Now, he's backstroke.”

Talk about a boring podcast, to be someone doing my day at the pool. Well, backstroke. Technically, it's not backstroke, back float. So that's kind of the podcast by nut in a nutshell, that's what I always say occasionally, is to keep you company, to be your borefriend, your companion in the deep, dark night, to walk at your side, telling you a rambling story while you drift off into dreamland. If you're new, give it a few tries. That's what most listeners say. They say it took a few tries before it realized it was just a strange man at the bottom of pool pretending to have a tea party. And then I realized, “Huh, it's not that bad.” They say, “Well, relaxes me. [inaudible 00:40:28] strangest thing.”

Maybe I could do that for a living, if the podcast doesn't work out. They say, “What do you do now? What happened to that podcast?” “It didn't work out.” “What do you do now?” “Oh, I perform at pool parties, believe it or not.” Oh, like kids' parties?” “No, pool parties.” “Okay. Well, like what, you do some sort of synchronized thing or magic?” “No, no, no. Well, I guess synchronized, synchronized or synchronicity, if you don't mind me saying. No, I just, I do performance.”

“Oh, what kind of performance?” “I sit at bottom of the pool, and I do … There's not a market for it yet. I'm ahead of the market [inaudible 00:41:18]. Yeah. It's a performance art actually, believe it or not. Hasn't been recognized as such yet. Let me tell you what, if Marcel Marceau or whatever … This is the next thing.” “Oh, you're like a mime?” “Well, no, do some miming, but I actually don't … That's another art form. I don't have an experience in miming. That's just like the closest comparison. I have a tea party sometimes. I do different routines at the bottom of the pool.” “Oh, like swimming routines?” “No, no, no. I just sit at the bottom pool and do stuff.” “Oh, people pay you for that?” “Well, not yet. I envision it one day happening, though, you know, like in the movies, in the future when people are so wealthy, you know, so I don't think it's far off. The rest of that stuff is close. The only thing missing is a man having a tea party.”

It's going to be a thing one day. Until then, I'll be making a silly podcast. I think this is probably better for me anyway. I'll be less waterlogged. So I'm glad you're here. Give it a few tries. I really want to help you fall asleep. That's why I make this show. That's why I say, “Just give it a try. Give it a few tries if you like. No pressure.” I'm here to help, but it doesn't work for everybody. I appreciate you trying the show out, and I work very hard. I take this show seriously, as silly it is, because I've been there, sleepless tossing and turning in the deep, dark night. I want you to feel less alone, so I'm here to help. I really yearn and strive to help you fall asleep. Thanks again for coming by.

Hey, are you up all night, tossing, turning mind racing, trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play. I'm going to do the rest. What I'm going to attempt to do, is create a safer, soothing place, where you could set aside whatever's keeping you awake, whether its thoughts, rumination, thinking about the past, present, or future, physical feelings and sensations, emotions, shift work. You might say something about work that rhymes with shift too if you're working in a shift, you know, like different work schedules, different travel schedules, different changes in the routine, weather. It could be anything. I don't know what it is that's keeping you awake, but I'd like to help.

The way I'm going to do it, is I'm going to send my voice here across the deep, dark night right to your ears, because I'm glad you're here. I'm going to use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders. I've made a few. Like [inaudible 00:44:31] what do they call those things? It's been a while since we've talked about the Spirographs or whatever, because you can never remember what they're called, Spiro Gyros or something. I think there's a character that hangs out with … I think probably Sonic hangs out with someone named … I can picture like a baby dragon with wings named Spyro, but I don't know if that's true. I know there's Figment. Let's come back to that.

I'm going to try to help you fall asleep. I'm going to try to distract you from whatever's keeping you awake. I'm here to keep you company, and be your borefriend, your bore bae, your bore cuz, your companion in the deep, dark night. I'm going to walk at your side while you drift off into dreamland or sit across the room, whatever you're comfortable with. If you're new, here's the structure show. First four minutes or so are business. That's how we keep the show and over 650 archived episodes free. You can look up what's on there at sleepwithmepodcast.com/sponsors. Thanks for sitting through that and paying attention, regular listeners.

Then there's an intro. Intro's around 12 or 14 minutes. It's a show within a show. A lot of listeners … I think it's a good as a part of a wind-down routine. You start it playing, you get ready for bed, you start to wind down, you get comfortable, you turn out the lights, like all that stuff. But it's a monologue where I kind of try to explain what the podcast is, and I go off topic, whether it's a spiro or a gyro in my brain, or a euro. Hopefully, I don't have one of those. Hopefully, I don't have any of those in my brain. Again, I'm [inaudible 00:46:23] my brain, so I guess in some sense that within my … I don't know. Let's not get too existential.

What was I saying? Oh, so the intros are around 12 or 14 minutes, a show within a show, a warm up, a monologue, something familiar but different every time to help set the mood for you to go to sleep, to drift off into dreamland. Then we'll have some business between the show and the story. And then we'll have a bedtime story about 40, 45 minutes. And then some thank yous at the end.

All told, I'll be here about an hour to keep you company. You could go straight to the story, you can listen [inaudible 00:47:07] intros, whatever works. I'll be here. You're under no pressure to listen, and you're under no pressure to fall asleep. You can just kick back and relax, and not pay attention. You could turn my volume down, or you could put a pillow over your speaker or your phone, or you could tune in, because I'll be here the whole time. So if you can't fall asleep, if that's a regular thing and you're just looking for a friendly voice, or you're in traffic, or you're dealing with something, I'll be here. If you need me, you can put me on all night. I'll be here to help. But at the same time, I'll be here meandering, so you really don't need to pay attention. You could drift off whenever you feel like it. I make the shows an hour, so you have plenty of space to come sweeping in, swooping in for bedtime.

I think that's it. I was thinking about, well, here's the thing. I forget what those things are called. We used to only buy them at garage sales, but it was a bunch of like gears that fit together. I think it was called Spirograph, or something like that. You would run a pen through it, and it would make different circles and ovular designs, or a pencil you could use. I don't think you could use a marker. I don't think the holes were wide enough for markers. But then I was thinking of baby dragons. Figment was a baby dragon. These are the nice kind of dragons. Figment was purple, and worked with the imagination machine, imagination station, or something. What was it called? Journey to Imagination. It was Figment and this bearded man from the '70s, who was like the, I think he was the imagination, the conductor of imagination or something. Figment was, I guess, to demonstrate imagination.

Figment was a little bit like a Pillsbury … If you took the Pillsbury Doughboy, just in case you're not familiar, you turned him purple, gave him some horns, a little bit of a like a snout, [inaudible 00:49:25] bigger smile, I think a yellow and red-striped belly, some small wings, really nice, kind disposition. That was Figment. I think they retired Figment, and then brought Figment back, but I don't know. I don't know who the other person was. It was just some dude straight out of the '70s. He looked like he could have been like a non-speaking role in The Love Boat, just in the background working, like the fourth bartender or something.

And then I think there's another dragon, Spyro, or something. Here's the thing that I did. This is another distraction because I was going to talk about baby dragons, but then I was thinking would Spyro, like who are Sonic … I don't know how many people are familiar with Sonic the Hedgehog. Who do you think Sonic's best friends are? Is there somebody named Spyro that hangs with Sonic? I know there's like … Actually, I don't really know a lot. I know there's Knuckles, but I don't know if Knuckles and Sonic are friends or rivals. After that, my mind, because the only games I play, I think the only one that I play is one where it's a mash-up, I think, of Olympics. That was for the Wii, where I think you could be Mario characters or Sonic characters. Or maybe this is a dream. Is there a game like Sonic and Mario at the Olympics? I think there is. If it is, maybe I should go play it right now. It's really hard, both the Winter Olympics and the Summer Olympic versions.

But I was just wondering, I guess I was hoping my brain would give me an answer to like who would Sonic's best … I mean, I wouldn't mind being Sonic's friend. Is there a Sonic-based bowling game? That would be fun if Sonic was real, one, and you were best friends, and Sonic was a little bit of a joker, and this was okay with Sonic, like to show up at bowling alleys, and start bowling with Sonic, and then just leave, like see what people do, maybe even show up to a league night and say, “Hey, man, what's up? I got my new ball.”

I don't know if it'd be super comfortable for Sonic to be bowled, but [inaudible 00:51:58]. So maybe it's not a … Sonic, I take all that back. If you're thinking about having a new best friend, there's a doctor. I don't know if he's in the Sonic games or Mario games. I don't know his name either. I don't know any of their names. I know Princess Peach because I usually like to be Princess Peach in Mario Kart. I mean, I know those characters. There's Yoshi, Wario. I like when Wario says, “I'm Wario.” That makes me laugh so much. There's Luigi and Waluigi. I don't really know any of the lore behind any of that though. Maybe I should look into all that stuff. Yeah, maybe that'd be tonight's episode, is like investigating some of this lore, and just getting into it and saying, “What the heck is … Who is Waluigi, Waluigi? How do you say it? What's Knuckles?”

That's the kind of stuff you could expect, I guess, on the podcast. Maybe it'll be coming up here on bedtime story is, it's a podcast to take your mind off stuff, to keep you company. Bit ridiculous, to be honest, but meant to take your mind, just like Figment was meant to take your mind off of the bearded dude, maybe, or like to say, “Hey, watch Figment float around.” I don't know.

This podcast is here to be your friend, to be your distraction. Now, if you're new, it takes a few times to get used to. Most listeners say that if you're skeptical, it's totally understandable. Who wouldn't be skeptical about this? You say, “Wait, there's a dude that tells bedtime stories and he just went on a tangent, he doesn't know that's Dr. [Steamrash 00:53:52] or something, the one with the mustache, the Dr. Mustache Toast. No? I thought it would come to me. But he doesn't even know that Knuckles blankety, blankety, blank, that Sonic's best friend is Mario. He didn't play that game.” No, I didn't. I may find out, though, and then I'll probably forget it. “He doesn't know that Waluigi [inaudible 00:54:27] discovered the [Wa 00:54:28] on the periodic table with isotope 36B.” Does Waluigi have anything to do with dark matter? What about … I think Wario's in yellow.

Anyway, if you're new here, this podcast is meant to be your friend in the deep, dark night, to take your mind off stuff and distract you as you drift off into dreamland. As I said, give it a few tries. I'm glad you're here. I really appreciate you trying this show out. I work very hard, and I yearn and I strive to help you fall asleep. All right?

Hey, are you up all night tossing and turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play. I'm going to do the rest. What I'm going to attempt to do, is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever's keeping you awake, whether its thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, time, temperature, seasonal changes, seasonal stuff, travel. Whatever's keeping you awake, I'd like to take your mind off. I'd like to distract you from it in a way that's just interesting enough to get your attention, but not super engaging. [inaudible 00:55:59] like a safe place where you could say, “Hmm.”

Imagine a school, I guess this wouldn't be a very good school, but it'd be a good school to sleep in. Well, I guess it'd be more of a professorial situation, or some sort of experimental school that the funding doesn't come through for second year quarter run by Scoots, where we say, “Paying attention is optional.” There was a Simpsons episode like that, where Bart and Lisa get sent to the wrong schools, yeah, like early on. But they say, “Hey, go ahead and get in beanbags,” and all that stuff. That's my safe place.

This is a podcast where listening is optional. What I'm going to do is, I'm going to send my voice across the deep, dark night. I'm going to use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders. I've already been on a couple. Tangents, me underwear, no, no, not … Me underwear is meander where. I was trying to make you feel comfortable and maybe, not make a guffaw, but you know, just faw … I guess, yeah, could you just faw or guff? I guess you'd be more of guffer. You'd say, “Scoots doesn't make me,” you'd say, in my perfect world, you'd say, “Scoots doesn't make me guffaw, but I do get a little bit of a guff out.” I guess that's good because there was those Billy Guffs, oh, those were Billy Gruff Goats or something, or something.

Let's go back [inaudible 00:57:38]. Let me [inaudible 00:57:39] new listeners, I'm glad you're here. Trying to create a safe place to help you fall asleep. Let me give you a couple structural things. Show starts with business, about four minutes of business. That's how we keep the show and over 650 archived episodes free, is sponsors and the patrons at the top of the show in-between the intro and the story. You can find all that at sleepwithmepodcast.com/sponsors. But if you're new, that's not super important. Thanks for sitting through that. Then there's the intro. The intro's around 12 minutes or so of me welcoming the new listeners. It's a familiar part. You say, “Hey, welcome to the show, let me get you set up so you know what's coming.” And then I get mixed up usually or distracted by Billy Goats, and what are their names, and is there a word called guff? I mean, I know there is. How about a shirt that says, “Are you guff enough?” I think Waiting for Guffman might have a … They might say, “Well, I doth protest.”

Okay. There's an intro where I ramble for about 12 minutes. Most listeners set it while they're getting ready for bed, or while they're just winding down, just getting into bed. It kind of sets the stage for the rest of the show. Tonight, we'll be talking about, we'll have a episode of our ongoing episodically modular serial series about a girl who lives in a theme park, a very dense and lulling bedtime story. A few listeners skip ahead to the ads. Those are usually people, they check out the ads, and then skip ahead to the story. Some people fall asleep during the intro, some people listen to the intro over and over again, and some people let the podcast play all night. So there's no real wrong way to listen to the podcast. You don't need to listen clearly.

Oh, structure, sorry. I already went off topic. There's a intro, a bedtime story, and some thank yous at the end. There's ways to support the show sandwiched in there. So that's the structure of the show. But you don't need to listen. It'd be great if you pay attention at the top of the show, but otherwise, you don't need to pay attention. You don't need to pay me any mind. You can listen at a low volume, you can adjust the volume, you can put a pillow over your phone, or you could put your phone on your nightstand and put a pillow over your head or use a Bluetooth speaker. That's what I would recommend. Or SleepPhones. So you don't need to listen to me. That's optional.

But if you can't sleep, if you need some companionship in the deep, dark night, I'll be here all the way to the end. Because I know there is a percentage of listeners ever since the start of the show that are going to be up all night. I'm here. I'm here to keep you company, to keep you barely entertained, to give you some guffs, because I do declare, I doth declare I am guff enough. Hopefully, I guess I probably should've googled what guff means. Because I guess usually say, “Hey, are you giving me some guff?” I'd say, “Oh, I'm giving you guff by the dozens, guffaws, half guffaws. Guffaws half off,” because I don't want to give you any aws, because that's after the guff. You know what I mean? You can have an incomplete guffaw that's a guff. But to have an aw, I don't know if you can have an aw without having a guff. You can have a guff without an aw.

Oh wait, oh sorry, [inaudible 01:01:35] back to the new listeners. I was trying to explain the … This is a podcast you don't really need to listen to. You're also under no pressure to fall asleep. I'll be here for about an hour, and I'll be giving it my all, so you can fall asleep whenever you feel like it. Just like if we were holding hands, if you're comfortable with that imagery, you don't really need to, we don't need to hold hands, but I'll be here walking at your side, and ideally, you'll slowly drift through my hands or drift off into dreamland.

So that's how the show works. Usually, this part of the intro where I try to make a metaphor for how the podcast works. Part of it is, yeah, maybe something like pre-humor, they say, “[inaudible 01:02:21] humor? It's like, maybe Scoots has some of the energy of jokes, like the raw material, he just doesn't know what to do with it. He's kind of sitting in, you know, like rare earth minerals. He's got, I wouldn't say they're rare humor minerals, but he does have some basic humor constructs, they're just all over the place.” Yeah, in the hands of someone more deft, they would be handing out guffaws. But I'm just here to hand out guffs.

I still am confused, so I do need to take a few minutes to analyze these words. So there's guffaw, then there's guff, then I think my grandparents' grandparents would say, if you had an attitude, they would say, “Save the guff for somebody else.” I think I can hear that, but I hear a lot of things that aren't, you know, necessarily exist at all. And then there was the Billy Goats. I guess those were the Billy Goats Gruff. They weren't the Billy Goats Guff. They were the Billy Goats Gruff, which I think … Here's, and I'm not trying to do this intentionally, like scruff. I picture Billy Goats with scruff, kind of like half beards.

So what makes them gruff? I mean, I'll look it up later, but what made them gruff? They all went over bridge. That's all I … I mean, I remember the other stuff that happened with the bridge tender who said, “Well, hey, how about this, or how about that? Who's traipsing around? I just painted this bridge.” We all know how that story went, some of us. One of us, maybe not. So those were the Billy Goats Gruff. And then there's the grandparents that maybe at some point in the last 300 years said guff. I think that's a thing. I will look it up when I'm done. But I'm saying, [inaudible 01:04:35], oh boy. Ideally, I lost you somewhere along there [inaudible 01:04:40] try to follow these thoughts. But yeah, humor-like stuff. Guff.

I think there was a movie that I used to watch a long time ago called Tough Enough, maybe. But I've googled it and I said, “No, that's not the same movie.” But you know, I have the guff stuff. What did I say before, “I'm going to bring the guff”? I do. I try to bring the guff, buckets of guff. My voice is gruff. I mean, I don't even know what gruff means, but I would say these are creaky, dulcet, gruffy tones. Yeah, they're gruffy [inaudible 01:05:18], “He's not stuffy, he's more gruffy.”

Also, that was my favorite Muppet that only appeared on one episode of the Muppet Show, was Gruffy, Gruffy the puppy. Yeah. He worked for Rowlf for a little while. Rowlf was a piano player, am I correct? Yeah, Gruffy. He was like Rowlf's cousin, and his job was to shine the keys [inaudible 01:05:41] the piano. Gruffy the puppy, only one episode. I think it was like the Muppets episode 47, the lost episode, only available on the Muppet tapes, which were downloaded directly into my brain. Unfortunately, they're not even available on eBay, because they're kind of surrounded by guffy stuff.

Anyway, if you're new here, I would posit that that was a pretty dense non … I don't know if that was a non sequitur, but it was a nonsense, non sensitur. I'm making up words now non-stop. Anyway, hopefully, I took your mind off stuff. This is a podcast to help you, to keep you company, and to distract you as you drift off into sleep. It's a little bit different than most things, a little bit silly, a little bit strange, but I really want to help. I've been there, sleepless in the deep, dark night. Last night, oof, yeah, I had multiple distractions going on, and kept waking up. I don't think I had any trouble initially falling asleep.

But yeah, the thing is, I know what it's like, and I feel for you. I may not know exactly why you can't get a good night's sleep, but I really, truly, wholeheartedly believe you deserve a good night's sleep. I believe the world will be a better place if you're rested and out there flourishing in it. So I'm here to help. Now, it doesn't help everybody. Give it a few, two or three tries, three or four tries if needed, and see if it works. It's no pressure. Test it out and see what happens. No expectations. But I hope it helps. I work very hard, I yearn and I strive, because I want to help you fall asleep. Thanks for coming by. If I could have few minutes your attention while we talk about how we keep this show going.