1418 – Kiss Your Biceps Bot | All Intros 978 – 982 for Presidents’ Day
This episode will be as calming as combing a doll’s hair and as welcoming as a pool of tepid water. Enjoy this collection of intros for the holiday weekend. Thanks for listening!
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All Intros
The Tooth Fairy
https://kidshealthyteeth.com/weird-history-the-tooth-fairy/
https://www.twohigdentistry.com/blog/2018/07/the-history-and-mythology-of-the-tooth-fairy
The Current Affair TV Show
https://www.medialit.org/reading-room/whatever-happened-news
https://www.thecut.com/2013/05/how-barbara-walters-invented-the-internet.html
https://www.nytimes.com/1997/07/20/tv/campaigning-to-be-seen-in-a-new-light.html
Sailboat Facts
https://improvesailing.com/tips/interesting-sailing-facts
https://www.offshoresailing.com/sailing-trivia-for-savvy-sailors/
https://www.carsonbrannan.com/15-interesting-facts-about-sailing-that-you-should-know/
Waffle House (Economic)
https://www.mashed.com/99239/untold-truth-waffle-house/
https://www.eater.com/2017/5/2/15471798/waffle-house-history-menu
Tepid Water
https://www.hawsco.com/blog/faq-tepid-water-for-emergency-showers-eyewashes/
https://www.hsmemagazine.com/press-release/the-importance-of-tepid-water/
DOWN TO BUSINESS
The speech patterns of Eeyore
PLUGS
Sleep With Me Plus; SleepPhones; Story Only Feed; Emily Tat Artwork; Crisis Textline; Referral Program
SPONSORS
Warby Parker; Helix Sleep; Zocdoc; Coyuchi; Museum Advocacy Day
INTRO
978
The 7th shift, working in 5D
I don’t want you working in 5 dimensions
Scooter’s the Break Fairy
A Breathable Fabric
Explaining my Break Fairy Backpack
I also have a PDF of a Work Efficiency Research Paper
I’ll give you 50 cents in 1987 dollars if you give your employees an extra break
I Prefer Scoots at This Volume
How to sign up for Scooter’s Break Fairy Service
I’m looking for Supernatural Funding
A Message to any Gods Listening
Does the Break Fairy take Breaks?
I’m trying to keep the intro shorter
It’s the Finale of Journey Into the Land of Tomorrow
Beginning the unspooling process of the day
A Prolonged Wind-Down is what works for me
The Biggest Intro Fans are the ones that initially hate the intro
I’m not sure if that’s irony or what
It’s just better to know that your life is a little better
STORY
979
Remembering A Current Affair
A News Magazine Program
The most general tv show name
One of the many times I just had the TV on in the background
That title doesn’t really say anything, does it?
Zoom Clang
Practicing Making Sounds for Archery
It might have happened around Entertainment Tonight
Things on TV while I was playing with toys, a thesis
Tonight, there’s entertainment going on somewhere in the world
You’ve definitely already experienced some superfluous tangents
Can I throw shade at shows that are off the air now?
The Saturday Morning Cartoons Must End Sometime
Combing the Hair of a Barbie Doll
I think we can agree that combing Barbie’s hair is calming
M-O-N-S-T-E-R H-I-G-H
Combing the Doll Hair at School
I’m doing my best to make this a safe place
I’m still coming up with things I haven’t thought of yet
Host Names can’t help but pop into Scooter’s head
Is this navel gazing? Probably?
Gazing at the Navels of My Toys
It should be GBBO, but we’ll see
Wait a second, your bedtime routine doesn’t involve dolls?
Polishing Your Figurines
Sorry, Uncle Merle
Britches
980
Using words more than once
Unexplained Dog Behavior
A Dog Rolling on its back
Wriggling
Wriggling from Happiness
If you’re happy and you know it, wriggle on your back
Interpreting Interpretive Dog Dance, the Podcast
Changes in Humidity
Eventually Soothing Creaky Dulcet Tones
Illogical Logic
The First Intro Scooter is Recording of the Year
It’s like watching someone sail a sailboat
A View of the Bay
I know almost nothing about sailboats
I’d love a neon windbreaker
Finding Narrative in Sailing
I’m 0 for 3 with you liking me in this intro
Making a Cozy
The Cozy Cast
Tea Cozy
A Brain Bot Primer
Unifunction
The Embarrassment from Wrinkled Clothes Brain Bot
Iron Bot
The Glorious Brain Bots
The Embarrassment from Wrinkled Clothes Brain Bot
The Brain Bot’s Critical Mission
Giving a Different Job to Brain Bots
Bring a Little Silliness to Bedtime
Remind Me To Kiss My Biceps Bot
I’m just giving them a little peck
My biceps are soft like iron
Making a Cozy
981
Hopefully this isn’t TMI
I’m having trouble with springing ahead
How do you judge the fallibility of a sleep podcaster?
The Creaky Scale
The Creaky Side of Dulcet
Scooter got banned from Waffle House
Calling on the Waffle Phone
Only I would describe myself as a young person
Eggs on the Creaky Side of Dulcet
Waffle House Prophecies
An Egg Order that makes no sense at all
Waffle House Belief Systems
Well that was really tangential
Man, I really hope Waffle House HQ does have a Waffle Phone
Babblin’ ‘bout Waffle House
Positive Skepticism
There’s many ways to listen to the show
I’m where you’ve been, sleepwise
982
Layers of things
I still can’t do these intros in a concise way
Speaking Clearly Is Not Scooter’s Job
Going off on a Lull
Looking at Tropical Water
Flowin’ or Wavin’ or Sittin’
Flowing Water
Singing the Praises of Tepid Water
An Ode to Tepid Water
Being repetitive is one of my specialties
Scooter’s kind of mixed up today
Is there a Star Trek planet with tepid water?
Was Primordial Soup Tepid?
Primordial Soup with a side of Helen Mirren Narration
Archetypal Brain
Will Scooter remember to talk about Tepid Water??
Scoot’s is 88% Primordial Soup
Primordial Goop
Sleepy Half Jokes
D-R-E-A-D-I-N-G
A Temperature Neither Cooling nor Soothing
“Tepid Water, I know how you feel”
I wouldn’t say that Tepid Water is underrated
Oh, that sweet, sweet bath water
I’m not sure I can sing Tepid Water’s praises
Being in the Present Moment with Tepid Water, a meditation
SUMMARY:
Episode: 1418
Title: Kiss Your Biceps Bot | All Intros 978 – 982 for Presidents' Day
Plugs: Sleep With Me Plus; SleepPhones; Story Only Feed; Emily Tat Artwork; Crisis Textline; Referral Program
Sponsors: Warby Parker; Helix Sleep; Zocdoc; Coyuchi; Museum Advocacy Day
Notable Language:
- 978
- Break Fairy
- Supernatural Funding
- 979
- News Magazine Program
- Soiree
- Zoom Clang
- Combing the Hair of Barbie Dolls
- M-O-N-S-T-E-R H-I-G-H
- Entertainment-Based News (EBN)
- Navel Gazing
- Britches
- 980
- Wriggling
- Unexplained Dog Behavior
- Illogical Logic
- Unifunction Bot
- Critical Mission
- 981
- Spring Ahead
- The Creaky Side of Dulcet
- Waffle House Belief Systems
- Waffle Phone
- Ornerous
- 982
- Tepid Water
- Archetypal Brain
- Primordial Goop
- D-R-E-A-D-I-N-G
- “Tepid Water, I know how you feel”
Notable Culture:
- 978
-
- The Tooth Fairy
- The Supremes
- Journey Into the Land of Tomorrow
- 979
- The Current Affair TV Show
-
- Entertainment Tonight
- Who Weekly? Podcast
-
- Barbie
- Monster High
-
- John Tesh
- Liza Gibbons
- Great British Bake-Off
- The Sound of Music
-
- 980
- Interpreting Interpretive Dog Dance, the Podcast
- The Cozy Cast, a podcast
-
- “Have I Told You Lately That I Love You?”
- 981
- Daylight Savings Time
- Waffle House
- Journey Into the Land of Tomorrow
- 982
- Star Trek
- Helen Mirren
- IMAX
- Being in the Present Moment with Tepid Water, a meditation
Notable Talking Points:
-
- 978
- The 7th shift, working in 5D
- I don’t want you working in 5 dimensions
- Scooter’s the Break Fairy
- A Breathable Fabric
- Explaining my Break Fairy Backpack
- I also have a PDF of a Work Efficiency Research Paper
- I’ll give you 50 cents in 1987 dollars if you give your employees an extra break
- I Prefer Scoots at This Volume
- How to sign up for Scooter’s Break Fairy Service
- I’m looking for Supernatural Funding
- A Message to any Gods Listening
- Does the Break Fairy take Breaks?
- I’m trying to keep the intro shorter
- It’s the Finale of Journey Into the Land of Tomorrow
- Beginning the unspooling process of the day
- A Prolonged Wind-Down is what works for me
- The Biggest Intro Fans are the ones that initially hate the intro
- I’m not sure if that’s irony or what
- It’s just better to know that your life is a little better
- 979
- Remembering A Current Affair
- A News Magazine Program
- The most general tv show name
- One of the many times I just had the TV on in the background
- That title doesn’t really say anything, does it?
- Zoom Clang
- Practicing Making Sounds for Archery
- It might have happened around Entertainment Tonight
-
- Things on TV while I was playing with toys, a thesis
- Tonight, there’s entertainment going on somewhere in the world
- You’ve definitely already experienced some superfluous tangents
- Can I throw shade at shows that are off the air now?
- The Saturday Morning Cartoons Must End Sometime
- Combing the Hair of a Barbie Doll
- I think we can agree that combing Barbie’s hair is calming
- M-O-N-S-T-E-R H-I-G-H
- Combing the Doll Hair at School
- I’m doing my best to make this a safe place
- I’m still coming up with things I haven’t thought of yet
- Host Names can’t help but pop into Scooter’s head
- Is this navel gazing? Probably?
- Gazing at the Navels of My Toys
- It should be GBBO, but we’ll see
- Wait a second, your bedtime routine doesn’t involve dolls?
- Polishing Your Figurines
- Sorry, Uncle Merle
- Britches
- 980
- Using words more than once
- Unexplained Dog Behavior
- A Dog Rolling on its back
- Wriggling
- Wriggling from Happiness
- If you’re happy and you know it, wriggle on your back
- Interpreting Interpretive Dog Dance, the Podcast
- Changes in Humidity
- Eventually Soothing Creaky Dulcet Tones
- Illogical Logic
- The First Intro Scooter is Recording of the Year
- It’s like watching someone sail a sailboat
- A View of the Bay
- I know almost nothing about sailboats
- I’d love a neon windbreaker
- Finding Narrative in Sailing
- I’m 0 for 3 with you liking me in this intro
- Making a Cozy
- The Cozy Cast
- Tea Cozy
- A Brain Bot Primer
- Unifunction
- The Embarrassment from Wrinkled Clothes Brain Bot
- Iron Bot
- The Glorious Brain Bots
- The Embarrassment from Wrinkled Clothes Brain Bot
- The Brain Bot’s Critical Mission
- Giving a Different Job to Brain Bots
- Bring a Little Silliness to Bedtime
- Remind Me To Kiss My Biceps Bot
- I’m just giving them a little peck
- My biceps are soft like iron
- Making a Cozy
- 981
- Hopefully this isn’t TMI
- I’m having trouble with springing ahead
- How do you judge the fallibility of a sleep podcaster?
- The Creaky Scale
- The Creaky Side of Dulcet
- Scooter got banned from Waffle House
- Calling on the Waffle Phone
- Only I would describe myself as a young person
- Eggs on the Creaky Side of Dulcet
- Waffle House Prophecies
- An Egg Order that makes no sense at all
- Waffle House Belief Systems
- Well that was really tangential
- Man, I really hope Waffle House HQ does have a Waffle Phone
- Babblin’ ‘bout Waffle House
- Positive Skepticism
- There’s many ways to listen to the show
- I’m where you’ve been, sleepwise
- 982
- Layers of things
- I still can’t do these intros in a concise way
- Speaking Clearly Is Not Scooter’s Job
- Going off on a Lull
- Looking at Tropical Water
- Flowin’ or Wavin’ or Sittin’
- Flowing Water
- Singing the Praises of Tepid Water
- An Ode to Tepid Water
- Being repetitive is one of my specialties
- Scooter’s kind of mixed up today
- Is there a Star Trek planet with tepid water?
- Was Primordial Soup Tepid?
- Primordial Soup with a side of Helen Mirren Narration
- Archetypal Brain
- Will Scooter remember to talk about Tepid Water??
- Scoot’s is 88% Primordial Soup
- Primordial Goop
- Sleepy Half Jokes
- D-R-E-A-D-I-N-G
- A Temperature Neither Cooling nor Soothing
- “Tepid Water, I know how you feel”
- I wouldn’t say that Tepid Water is underrated
- Oh, that sweet, sweet bath water
- I’m not sure I can sing Tepid Water’s praises
- Being in the Present Moment with Tepid Water, a meditation
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Episode 1418 – Kiss Your Biceps Bot | All Intros 978 – 982 for Presidents' Day
[START OF RECORDING]
SCOOTER: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and friends beyond the binary, it’s time for the podcaster who at times may be chanelling Eeyore, but with…to be a be-your-friend, where Eeyore’s a little down. Actually, I’m up and happy to be here with you. So, my tone kinda…even though…yours is usually…is a reflection of his emotional state. I guess mine is, too. I’m in a calm, present state here to keep you company with some nonsense, 'cause it’s time for Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.
INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts you’re thinking about, like things on your mind from the past, the present, or the future, it could be feelings or emotions coming up related to those thoughts or just left over, or anticipate…you know, whatever feelings you’re having. It could be physical sensations. It could be changes in time or temperature or routine.
Whatever it is, I’m…one, I’m glad you’re here. What I’m gonna try to do is take your mind off of that stuff and keep you company while you drift off, ‘cause, you know, just in case. This could be situational, work stuff, outside stuff, third, fourth, fifth, sixth shifts. I may…I might invent the seventh shift. Can’t remember the last one. I say, that’s the first shift where people are working in 5D. They say,…here’s the thing; I’d rather you work in one dimension. I don’t want you working in five dimensions. I want you here not working and going to sleep, I guess. So, I’ll go into the seventh shift and the fourth and fifth dimensions to kinda shut that down and say, hey, give…this person’s on break now. Imagine that? Like, I come through a portal to your workplace and I say, excuse me, this person’s now on break.
They say, well, who are you? I say, are you familiar with the tooth fairy? They say, yeah. I say, well, I’m the break fairy. I come from Break…the land of…I’m here to give this person a break. I'd say, that’s…I’m an authority figure and I have magical powers, so just in case…just so you know. I have this wand here, wings…I’m winged. Yeah, I’m wearing a smart outfit, too, because it’s…this is breathable. Did you know this is breathable? I said, well, I could be…I could do that, but I prefer something with a breathable fabric, but comfortable. I don’t need anything…and also lay…I’m gonna wear layers. That’s why I have this…also I have this bag. You can’t see it. It’s on my…they call it a backpack. It’s a pack you wear on your back. But yeah, you’ll get used to this. It’s a new thing.
I’ll be popping in and then I’ll say, this person’s on break now. Don’t worry; it’ll be reasonable, but it’s reasonable for them to have a break. Oh, you know what? I may be by your office later or not, depending on your…the break fairy sees it…I see it once, I see it twice. If you misbehave, the break fairy sees it thrice. So, you…think about what would be nice. Maybe a break. Also increase…just so you know, we have one of those papers that come in a PDF; you gotta put your e-mail in to download it, but it’s a research paper on efficiency…breaks and efficiency. Oh, you thought I was introducing a sleep podcast? You’re right. I got mixed up there. Sorry, I fell into a dual role. Whatever it is that’s keeping you awake, I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night.
I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders…I just went on…I mean, it wasn’t pointless. I guess that was more of a superfluous tangent. I said, well…I say, well, doesn’t…the tooth fairy…you still owe me $0.50 for my tooth back from…and I'd say, okay, well, I’m on break, believe it or not. I’m actually the break fairy. But I’ll get in touch with the tooth fairy and we’ll see. I’ll tell you what; since you gave all your employees one extra break, here’s an extra $0.50. Oh, you want…those were 1987 dollars? Mm. Okay, well, the break fairy doesn’t do math, so I guess you’ll have to bring it up with the tooth fairy. I gotta get back. I also make a sleep podcast that…when I’m not working. Well, I’m able to do both.
But so, oh, so, I’m gonna send my voice…lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents, all to take your mind off of stuff so you could fall asleep. Now, my regular listeners, you already got to enjoy an early tangent there. I know that’s a reg…for regular listeners, that’s usually a favorite thing. But if you’re new, all of this could have thrown you off, which is totally understandable because, I mean, this is not like other podcasts, even other sleep podcasts or sleep audio. Our show is very different because, one, it’s not meant to be listened to. It’s meant to just barely…you just barely pay attention to it. So, that’s one part of it. The other part is it doesn’t really put you to sleep.
I’m just here to keep you company while you fall asleep, so that’s why the shows are over an hour, to give you plenty of time to drift off. You could fall asleep in any…whenever it’s convenient for you, but that way you don’t feel any pressure, you got plenty of time, and I’m gonna be here to keep you company and just talk. You could either…as you become a regular listener you say, oh, okay, I prefer Scoots at this volume because I kinda do pay attention. Also, Scoots, I don’t even know if I’m gonna become a regular listener, but I love…where do I sign up for that break fairy service? I'd say, I don’t know. Obviously I don’t want to charge for it, so I’m looking for some supernatural funding.
Oh, also, just in case anybody’s listening that has the ability…like gods or goddesses, high-powered demi-gods and goddesses, supreme beings, members of the supremes that may have superpowers, you know, you could send some my way. I mean, I have to probably be some sort of…where I can be in two place…where I can…’cause I’d like to be on break. Obviously I’m gonna be the break fairy. But you know, I’ll need some superpowers or supernatural powers; probably both. Also some multi-dimensional stuff. Maybe an invisibility cloak so…in case I gotta do some…I gotta show up in a break room and then I do a reveal. I say, this break room’s empty. What’s going on here? This is unacceptable.
The whole idea of people working from home now…I even have to show up at their places and say, hey, time for you to take a break. Anyway, well, one day we’ll have…maybe. Oh, so, but I’m doing a sleep podcast right now. So, you don’t really pay attention to me. I don’t really put you to sleep. Other things that throw new listeners off is the structure of the show, which is understandable ‘cause, again, this is not like a normal thing. The show starts off with a greeting; friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, so you feel seen and welcomed in. Then there’s support for listeners. If you need anything extra right now, in the show notes there’s stuff. Then there’s support for the show so we can be here for free.
Then there’s the intro, and the intro goes from like, minute six or minute eight to about minute twenty, though lately I’ve been testing out a little bit shorter. When I say lately…when I’m recording it, but the episodes don’t necessarily get…you know, they get…anyway, not important. But so…then after the intro is business that keeps the show free, and then our story. Tonight it’ll be our finale of our episodically modular series Journey into the Land of Tomorrow, which you can listen to in any order at all. Just a bedtime story that’s slightly related to one another. Then there’s thank-yous at the end. So, the structure could throw people off, especially the intro, because a lot of new listeners say, well, when does the show get started? What is this intro stuff? I say, well, you could skip the intro, and some listeners do.
Some podcast apps let you do that. Or you could be a patron. You could just get story-only episodes straight to you. There’s actually more patrons that listen to all-intro…intro-only episodes though, than story-only episodes, though not by a lot, but pretty close. But more…so, you kinda gotta see what you do, but the intro kinda serves a purpose; to give you some distance from your day and to start the unwinding process, the unspooling of all that stuff that keeps us up. Like, I found that I have to be eased into bedtime, and actually, the more I do this podcast and the more I get into saying hey, what’s gonna be best for all of us here, my daughter and me, and what is our best…routine really works…it is this longer wind-down, and that’s something you kinda gotta slowly develop.
You do have to sacrifice. For us it’s like, well, we’re gonna start making it…your wind-down routine more pleasurable and more, I don’t know, what’s important; closeness and stuff like that versus hey, instead of watching TV for forty-five minutes or an hour, we’re gonna do a quieter activity. We’re gonna do some quiet sitting or meditating and then we’re gonna read together, maybe listen to an audiobook, then maybe listen to a sleep podcast. That’s just to ease you into bedtime, and you can kind of adjust. Like, some people are listening during the day for a distraction, some people are doing an activity or getting ready for bed, so just kinda see what works for you. But that’s why the intro feels like — at least initially — it goes on and on and on or it’s a show within a show.
It’s ‘cause that’s kinda how it’s designed, and it’s easy to skip for…there’s three percent of people that say I don’t…I prefer not to listen to the intro. Though I will say the biggest intro fans are the people that initially didn’t like the intro. It’s just, I don’t know if that’s irony or what. So, that’s the intro. Oh, yeah, and I talked about the story and everything. The reason I make the show is because you deserve a good night’s sleep, really, and you…I know how it feels out there in the deep, dark night, and if I can offer some relief, and then you…the ability to rest, because I know how painful it is, to be honest, but also because our world will be a better place. It just is a better place to live in knowing that your life’s a little bit better, and that’s not something I can do for everybody and it kind of is this weird digital thing.
But if my podcast, if this…my rambling and stories and pointless meanders and light humor or whatever can keep you company whether you’re awake or asleep…if you’re awake, I’m gonna be here to the very end to keep you company tonight, but I’m also gonna be here to the very end if you fall asleep to keep you company. So, that’s important to me because you deserve some rest and you deserve an opportunity to be more rested tomorrow, to not dread bedtime, and to eventually flourish. So, that’s why I’m here. I really appreciate you coming by. I really hope and yearn and strive to help you fall asleep. Thanks again, and here’s a couple ways I’m able to be here for you free twice a week.
Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts, things you’re thinking about that are on your mind…you know, past, present, future, current. You know, I never thought…I just realized there was a show…used to be a show on TV called A Current Affair, and it was a info…what do you call that? A news magazine show. I think that was technically the name of that genre of program.
I said, what a general…I had never…I said, that must be the most general name…it wasn’t about affairs, either. It was about affairs general. It was…meaning anything that’s going on. You say, what…a…current soirees? No, but if there was a soiree, I guess they could cover it. That was a show…I remember it starting as a kid, and then…it was probably on…one of the many times in my life I had the TV on and I wasn’t paying attention, just like this…it was…serves as background noise while I was playing with my toys. But I just thought of that, I think because I used one of those words, and I said, A Current Affair; that doesn’t really say anything, does it? Then they said, yeah, we could talk about anything as long as it’s somewhat current and whatever the generalized word of…is going on. So, current and happening, maybe.
I don’t know. Again, my vocabulary…oh, sorry. I’m making a sleep podcast. So whatever you’re thinking about, well, that’s how I got to it. I said, if it’s current thinking…it could be feelings, anything emotionally coming up for you. I mean, I know I have emotions about that show because I think, wait a second, wasn’t that…? And then I…and then…just like, there’s a sound effect that goes with it when they say it, like a zinging sound effect with a twang at the end. Kind of like if you were practicing arch…if you were practicing making sound effects for archery, that was their tag noise. Maybe there was music. I just remember the zoom, clang. I think this show was either on before or after Entertainment Tonight. I don’t know, is Entertainment Tonight still on the air? That was a show that I paid a little bit more attention to.
Particularly, that’s where I got…before Who? Weekly…nowadays, Who? Weekly, the podcast with Lindsey and Bobby, that’s where you could get your real info. But where was I? Oh, I was trying to start a sleep podcast. Sorry, I thought I was doing a thesis that was based on an ode I wrote, Things on TV While I was Playing with Toys. Now I think I’m hearing the theme song to a show…I don’t know. I said, is that Entertainment Tonight or something else? Okay, so…feelings, anything feeling…emotionally coming up for you or physically coming up for you, it could be other stuff; changes in time, temperature, routine, your work schedule, your personal schedule, or it could be baffling.
But whatever it is that’s keeping you awake, I’d like to take your mind off of stuff and keep you company while you drift off. What I propose to do, which kinda sounds counterintuitive after these tangents I’ve already been on…but I mean, those are both shows in the…that started around the eighties or something that were on during…not during the day; after cartoons, because that was the reason why I would have just watched cartoons or have been generally…had cartoons playing, or animated television programs, technically. I would have had those on while I was playing with toys, but those end. I mean, who would have thought? They said, well, now…sorry kids, now we gotta get on other shows.
There’s currently Entertain…there’s Tonight, There’s Entertainment Somewhere in the World, and There’s Currently Things Going On. So, oh…so, but I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, and superfluous tangents. Those are things you’ve already…you’ve experienced already. So, I’m gonna go off-topic, I’m gonna get mixed up, I’m gonna talk about nothing, essentially, or nothing of importance. I mean, not to…I guess I could…can I throw shade at stuff that doesn’t currently exist in its current format? Talk…Current Affair was not really about…it was…that I remember. But I don’t think you would go to it for your hard news. So, again, very similarly, you say, well, it’s a show about stuff.
So, anyway, I don’t know what that has to do with any…well, this is…a couple things; if you’re new, this podcast is very different. You may have already determined that. So, if you’re having a strange reaction, that makes sense. People come to the show and they’re skeptical, and on their first listen sometimes their skepticism deepens, and that makes sense to me because I’m skeptical about sleep stuff all the time. So, if you’re skeptical or doubtful, I’m glad you’re…like, I hope I can help you. But for most listeners, they say, hey, it takes two or three tries to get used to the show, so give it a couple tries. Nothing to lose. Some people just won’t ever…the podcast doesn’t work for everybody, but it also sometimes elicits strong feelings in people of not liking it, and that’s fine, too. You don’t have to like the show. I totally understand.
This is an acquired taste, but it takes some acquiring. So…oh, that’s the other things on that level. This is a podcast you don’t really listen to or pay attention to. So, you just kinda barely listen, just like when I was a kid there…I mean, let’s just say I’d…playing with my sister’s toys sometimes. I may have been…some…there is something…whatever you want to say about those Barbie dolls or whatever…let’s not get into that, but their hair could be combed, and you want to talk about a meditative practice…here’s the thing; go to any store that sells used things. Do yourself a…this could be a new…I’ve tried all these techniques. None of them have really taken hold, and I realize, yeah, the people have strong…Barbie is something that people have strong feelings about. Totally understandable.
Let’s just talk about the…combing hair on a Barbie independent of all that other stuff. I could do that all day long, or…as a kid. I don’t know when the last time I did it was. I think if the last time I did it, it was not a Barbie. It was a…what is that, anthropomorphic figure from the TV show M-O-N-S-T-E-R H-I-G-H. But I brushed their hair. I don’t think…’cause I don’t know if we have a comb. But anyway, so…but brushing dolls’ hair is meditative for me. Or as a kid, I may have been doing that. I don’t care if you know. I mean, I’m proud that it relaxed me. I wish I would have…somebody would have said kid, keep that up, man. You’re gonna need that. You know what? When you go to school, you better take a doll in your backpack, one of your sister’s dolls, and your comb with your…with you, ‘cause you’re gonna need it.
Then I would…that would be something that plays out exactly the opposite of how you would think. It’s…excuse me teacher, before you raise your voice, or excuse me older children, before you…let me take this doll and comb its hair. Then I would just be blissed out, and they would be stunned. I'd say, I’d appreciate it if you…just like those episodes when I have a perm. Oh boy, I’ve gone far-field. So…oh, this is a podcast you don’t really listen to. Like, I was playing with toys and not listening to the TV shows. I was aware they were on, but they were there more as a undercurrent affair. They were under my Current Affairs, so I wasn’t really paying attention other than to the music and the sound effects. So, that’s this podcast. This podcast also — believe it or not — doesn’t put you to sleep. It’s here to keep you company while you fall asleep.
Eventually the idea is you’ll fall asleep. You’ll just be listening to me, and then you’ll wake up tomorrow. That’s why the shows are over an hour, to give you plenty of time to drift off, so you don’t feel any pressure or anything. So, it’s a podcast you don’t listen to, don’t fall asleep…I’m here to keep you company. Even if you can’t sleep, I’ll be here. But I’m here to be your bore-bae, your bore-sib, your bore-cuz, your bore-bestie, your bore-bruh. But then the structure of the show is also something that does take getting used to for some people, which is understandable. It’s a different structure. The show starts off with a greeting so you feel seen and welcome and know that I’m doing my best to create a safe and welcoming place. Then there’s listener support and then there’s support for the free podcast.
Then there’s a intro. The intro runs twelve to twenty-five minutes of me doing what I’ve been doing for the past eight or nine minutes, rambling. But so, for a regular listener, they say, okay, I wonder what Scoots is gonna talk about tonight. Didn’t expect…again…once again in, you know, a thousand…almost a thousand episodes, I found stuff I probably haven’t talked about before. I’m even saving…the names of people…hosts are popping into my head. Well, John and Leeza; that’s who I was thinking of, but…I said, well, I could have saved that for another intro. Now…but so…John Tesh and Leeza Gibbons; that’s…when I think of…what was the name of the show? Stars Tonight? Oh, Entertainment Tonight. Sorry. That’s where I got my Hollywood news from, or entertainment-based news. Okay, so, pod…oh, the intro.
It goes on and on and on. Now, regular listeners say, okay, Scoots is getting mixed up again. But the…for most listeners, the intro offers you a chance to get some distance from the day. So, if your first reaction is what is the intro? Why are you still going on? Is this some sort of self-promotion or navel gazing? I'd say, well, I mean, navel gazing, probably. If I could…I’m not…I’m recording now, so I can’t really gaze at my navel. But probably that’s what I was doing when I was a kid instead of paying attention to those shows. I was gazing at the navels of my toys. So…oh, so the intro eases you into bedtime. So, a lot of listeners are doing some sort of other activity like brushing dolls’ hair. There’s definitely one or two people out there listening doing that. I say, thank goodness, keeping the dream alive for me. Thank you.
Doesn’t it feel good? Isn’t it relaxing? I wonder if it’s relaxing…maybe just like…maybe that’s one of those things…literally a tool in the toolbox we keep intact…or just, you know, you could get one of those ones that you put the makeup on that’s like, a three-quarter size head. Keep that put away somewhere, and then when you had a really rough day, you say, well, I’m gonna brush some doll hair. It might work. So…oh, but so, the intro, it just…it gives you a way to get ready for bed or to start to unwind and then get in bed and get comfortable. Now, you could skip it. Three percent of listeners start the show at twenty to twenty-two minutes. But just see how it goes. Then after the intro is business. That’s how…again, it’s just part of keeping the podcast free for everybody. Then there’s a story.
Tonight, I’ll be honest, it should be a Great British Bake Off episode, but it could be something else. So, I don’t really know, ‘cause I’m recording it tomorrow. So, I don’t know what it’ll be. So…well, we’ll say it’s a Great…we’ll just make this the opening for it. So, it’ll be the season finale of the Great British Bake Off, so that’s exciting. Then there’s some thank-yous. So, that’s the structure of the show. The reason I make the show is because you deserve a good night’s sleep. You deserve a place you could rest, and if you get the rest you need, your world will be better and my world will be better, and that’s really important to me. It’s also important because I’ve been there tossing and turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep, so I know how it feels.
So, I want to help. So, alls I could tell you is give it a few tries, see how it goes, and yeah, and then kinda test it out. Well, I’d like to start it here. I like to listen all night, or I put it on when I wake up, or I start it when I’m starting to get ready for bed, or I do some knitting. Maybe you’re knitting clothes for dolls. Maybe it has nothing to do with dolls. You say, wait a second, your bedtime routine does not involve dolls? You say oh, figurines. I’m sorry, Uncle Merl. I think figurines and dolls are very similar, but I’ll…oh, you’re polishing your figurines. Well, do you…okay, do you…are you polishing them as they are in the current moment or do you talk to them or imagine anything? Oh, so you’re just polishing figurines. Okay, I apologize. I was projecting on you, ‘cause I would be talking to them or imagine…I'd say, oh, how is it?
Are you familiar with The Sound of Music? Do you want to be a yodeler? Oh, are those breeches or shorts you’re wearing? Oh, those are britches? But you’re not wearing britches. Oh, okay. So, anyway, I’m glad you’re here. I really hope I can help. I work really hard, I yearn and I strive, and I really want to help you fall asleep. Thanks again for coming by. Here’s a couple ways I’m able to be here for you twice a week.
Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place wherever…where you can set aside…sometimes I have to use my words more than once…where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether that’s thoughts on your mind or that you’re thinking about from the past, the present, or the future, and thoughts that are coming at you or popping up or rolling around. I do have a lot of thoughts that…my dog…this is a unexplained behavior.
I mean, it could be explained away. You say, well, her back itches, maybe. But one dog behavior is when a dog rolls around on its back. I don’t know, sometimes I think she just does it ‘cause she’s in a good mood. She says, I’m in such a good mood, I’m gonna flip right over and roll…wriggle around on my back. Not rolling; I’m wriggling, Scoots. I’m so happy that…if you’re happy and you know it, wriggle around on your back. Also, it feels good. It’s not just…it’s not because…I’m scratching an itch that isn’t there, ‘cause I’m scratching it. I’m scratching a itch on the inside. That’s why I’m rolling around on my back.
Also, aren’t you introducing a podcast and not interpreting dog…interpretive…Interpreting Interpretive Dog Dance; that’s my next podcast, also known as projecting meaning onto imagine…so, whatever thought…I mean, I’ll probably have some thoughts about that later. Thoughts, it could be feelings, it could be emotions coming up for you or physical sensations. It could be changes in your schedule, your routine, maybe someone’s in town, maybe someone’s out of town, maybe the…changes in humidity; holy moly. Sometimes there’s even imagined…I say, well, it must be the humidity that’s got me going now, or not going. So, whatever’s keeping you awake, I’d like to take your mind off of that.
The way I’m gonna do it is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’m gonna use lulling, soothing — eventually soothing — I’ll say…creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents…oh, I was gonna say…creaky, dulcet tones mean my voice is not perfect, not traditionally soothing. I'd say, you could classify every moment of the podcast under that. You’d say, how…okay, not traditionally soothing. Some would say not soothing at all. I'd say, maybe you’re right in some sense. Comforting, maybe not soothing. But I’ll use creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents. I don’t want to say ill-informed logic. Illogical logic though, lack of logic, all to take your mind off of stuff and keep you company while you fall asleep.
That’s really my goal, is to take your mind off of stuff so you can drift off. A few other things to know though, if you’re new. If you’re a regular listener or you’re new, I’m so glad you’re here. Really, it’s great to see you. I’m so happy to be here on a regular basis. This is the first…is this…? Yeah, this is the first intro I’m recording of the year, so that’s why I’m saying that. I’m so glad I’m here with you in the future but in the present, really. We’re here together, so thank you. Thank you if this is your first time or your thousandth-plus time. I appreciate it. But if you’re new, I did want to tell you a couple things to know. One is that most people, when they’re new to the show, share some feelings. Sometimes it’s skepticism, sometimes it’s doubt, sometimes it’s a uncomfortable, awkward feeling.
So, if you’re feeling any of those things, those are…that’s normal because skepticism…’cause…what do you mean this podcast is supposed to put me to sleep? That’s one kind of skepticism, or what do you…what’s this…? This dude’s gonna tell…when is he gonna tell us…why is he going on and rambling and rambling? Why is…? His voice is creaky and dulcet. So, those are normal reactions. I totally accept them, and I even accept the fact that, yeah, this podcast may not be your taste. You may not like me or the style of the show, and that’s okay, too. I’m still glad you’re here for as long as you’re gonna be here. That’s why I try to explain this. But so, for most people, this podcast is something that takes time to get used to, but it doesn’t even work for everybody. So, just kinda see how it goes.
This is not my thing…most listeners say hey, give it two or three tries. So, that’s to kinda soften stuff. But also, a couple other things to know. This is a podcast you don’t really listen to, so that’s kinda part of the method that we’re already in the middle of, is this is a podcast you just barely pay attention to. It distracts some of the other parts of you, but it’s not something where I tell you a bedtime story and I lead you on a journey and then you drift off, or I kinda set the…I don’t know. I kinda do that stuff, but it’s more like you’re watching somebody else on a journey that you’re…like a sailboat. Like, when you’re sitting…you could watch a sailboat go from Point A to Point B, like if you had a view of the bay. You say, oh boy, there’s a lot of sailboats out there. I’m just gonna watch this one for a little while.
At some point you would either start to create a story, or maybe you’re detail-oriented and you say, okay, I noticed that mast, or maybe you know stuff about sailboats. I know nothing or almost nothing. But it would be tough to pay attention to it for a couple hours, because at some point you’d say, huh, this is getting a little bit…I’m just barely paying attention to that one sailboat now. Now I’m looking at the bay. It’s sparkling. I’m looking at those clouds, noticing those other boats. Oh, wait a second, do I…? Look at the windbreaker. That’s a…I’d love a neon-pink or neon-green windbreaker. So, what’s my point? Oh, this is a podcast you barely pay attention to. I think I just gave you an example of why to barely pay attention to me.
I could probably spend all day going on tangents about watching boats that don’t need to be watched. So, it’s a podcast you barely listen to. The weird thing is, it’s not really a podcast that puts you to sleep. I’m here to keep you company, and you drift off. While you fall asleep, I’m here to take your mind off of stuff. That’s why the shows are over an hour, is to put…give you some peace of mind and give you plenty of time. There’s no pressure to fall asleep, and if you can’t sleep or you wake up later, I’m gonna be here. I’m here to the very end of the episode trying to be barely engaging for the people that can’t sleep at all or for the part of you that’s asleep. I’m still entertaining what I call your brainbots, which we’ll talk about in a minute. So, it’s a podcast you don’t really listen to.
It doesn’t really put you to sleep, either. You say, oh boy, you’re 0 for 2. Well, no…and I said, you probably won’t like me. Okay, 0 for 3. Yeah. So, that’s…oh, the structure of the show is the next thing that can throw new people off, but regular listeners know it serves a purpose. So, the show starts off with a greeting; friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. That’s so you could feel welcome. Then there’s an intro. Or no, then there’s listener supporter…listener support, then there’s business. So, there’s listener support, sponsors, listener support, then the intro. The intro, it runs from, yeah, maybe minute six or minute eight to minute twenty to twenty-two, and goes on and on and on. It introduces the podcast, but it also eases you into bedtime.
So, some people…three percent of people skip the intro and they start the show somewhere between twenty and twenty-two minutes. Then a few thousand people listen to story-only episodes on Patreon. But the rest of the listeners, they’re either getting ready for bed or they’re doing some sort of wind-down or comforting thing or they’re in bed getting cozy. I mean, one…I bet you there’s one person out there making a cozy. Maybe a tea cozy, maybe some other cozy as part of their bedtime routine. If you’re doing that, let us know about it, because that would be cool. We’d say, okay, someone’s make…getting cozy. Getting cozy and making a cozy. The Cozy Cast. I think I’ve had other podcasts named The Cozy Cast, but that would be one.
The Cozy Cast; we’re making cozies, we’re getting…is there something…? There’s a tea cozy; that’s a thing, right? That comes up every few years. But so…oh, so the intro goes on and on and on so that you can…the day can get a little bit further away with each passing moment. Then we’ll do a…oh, then there’s business, then we’ll do our board game unboxing and look at a couple board games that I got recently, recently for me. For you, you know, it’ll be a little bit in the distant past, but that’s cool, too, ‘cause this is…it’s always board game season. So, that’ll be the intro…oh, then the bedtime stories, then the thank-yous. So, that’s the structure of the show. The other things to know that are important is the reason I make the show.
I make the show for two reasons; one, because I’ve been there tossing, turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep. I’ve had those, so I know how it feels. I know the frustration and how it feels in the deep, dark night. I know it can feel lonely. So, if I could keep you company or take your mind off of stuff, that’s my honor. The other thing is that you deserve a good night’s sleep. That’s what’s important to me, is that you get the sleep you need and you deserve so you could live your life, so your life could be a little bit more manageable, a little bit fuller. If that happens, the world as a whole is gonna be a better place. That’s really the closest thing to a miracle I’ve ever experienced, is hearing that and knowing it’s true.
I say, okay, if your life’s a little bit better, the world I live in is a better place. That’s something that’s easy to forget. It doesn’t even have to do with the podcast, really. It’s just a fact, a fact that’s easy for me to forget, and that kinda leads into the other stuff of the brainbots. So, that was a term I came up with at some point, and a brainbot is a…for me, I picture…you could picture it. They look…there’s so many different types of brainbots, and they’re beautiful in their varied spectrum of existence. But a brainbot to me is some sort of uni-function bot — bot short for robot or droid in this case that I’m imagining most of the time — that only serves a uni-function. It has one function.
A lot of times it was a function from the past, like maybe somewhere…probably not a very glamorized brainbot would be like, the wrinkled clothes brainbot. Embarrassment from wrinkled clothes brainbot. That thing’s been in sleep mode, at least inside me until about two seconds ago, when it just woke up. It said, you could have used me. You haven’t talked to me in thirty-one years. I say, yeah, you’re right. But the thing is, I don’t need you at bedtime. I could have used you two hours before I go anywhere. Where are you? Say, well, that’s not really my job. I say, what do you mean it’s not your job? You’re the wrinkled clothes brainbot. No, no, no, I’m the embarrassment and shame from wrinkled clothes brainbot.
You’re looking for some brainbot that was never made, the don’t wear wrinkled…let me pro…we don’t…we’re not proactive. Sorry about that. No, no problem. That’s what I was trying to explain to the listeners. I’m not here to judge you. I was just…I guess I was judging you a little bit, ‘cause I just said…if I had some sort of bot that said hey, you’re going somewhere in three hours. What are you wearing, and are your clothes ironed? That would mean…yeah, that would…that’s not…yeah, you’re right, that’s a different person than me. You’re right about that. But so, this clothes…can I just call you Iron Bot? Wow, yeah. Iron Bot. I like that. So, Iron Bot is one of these parts of us that doesn’t get…probably doesn’t get used…probably could be glamorized in some way, especially now that you’re Iron Bot.
It’s gotta be tough being Iron Bot, because Iron Bot only gets called into action when…at bedtime for some strange reason, and according to some mysterious algorithm, you say, what…remember when you didn’t…why didn’t you iron your clothes today? Or, man, you would have got a date for that if you had ironed your shirt. I said, you’re probably right. So, it’s so nice to meet you, Iron Bot. I’m almost…I’m more distracted by you and wanting to interact with you. But I was trying to explain to the new listeners what a brainbot is, so…and now that you’re here, it’s kinda hard for me to explain it. So, I’ll have to explain it in a very subtextual and indirect way, if you catch my drift, listeners.
So, the glorious brainbots like Iron Bot here, they have important jobs and they believe their job is very important. Critical mission, wouldn’t you say, Iron Bot? It is a critical mission, yeah. Bringing up those feelings for you about ironed clothes…that’s the only thing I know how to do. Yeah, that’s really the only thing they know how to do, but it’s important to them ‘cause it’s their…it’s your mission, right? I’m mission-driven, Scooter. My mission is to make you feel feelings about the times your clothes weren’t ironed. Right, and that’s really important to you, huh? I guess so, because it’s the only job I have. Maybe I could give you another job. How about…what if I give you a job…? I’ve talked about this on the podcast before…and this is a live experiment.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, friends beyond the binary, we’ve never attempted this before. Iron Bot, because you’re iron…one of the things I tell listeners is to bring a little bit of silliness to bedtime, and one of things I tell people…there’s like, kissing your elbow, kissing your shoulders, cupping your elbows, dipping your elbows in milk. You don’t do that in bed, though. But I’m thinking for you, what if I give you a new mission? Instead of embarrassment about ironed…un-ironed clothes, at bedtime I give you the mission of reminding me to kiss my biceps with a sense of satisfaction…an overall satisfaction that has nothing to do with biceps or exercise, but just the fact that self-kissing…just a peck.
I’m not talking about making out with my biceps or leaving anything behind, except for sweet…a touch of dew from my lips. But what do you think about that? You could be in charge of me kissing my bed…instead of reminding me about ironed clothes, you say, have you kissed your…have I told you lately, biceps, that I love you with this kiss? Maybe we even sing that song. You’re speechless, Iron Bot. I like…I would love to do that. Okay, well, hold on, I’ll…let me try…let’s try it right…so, let’s kiss our bicep and tell it we love it. Wow, that’s soft. Soft but like iron, you’d say. Like, oh boy, if people are imagining my biceps, it’s like a piece of iron. Oh, I was thinking more like a cotton ball. Okay, well, let’s not quibble. Great job, Iron Bot. So, that was…that’s new. That’s never happened before. Thanks, Iron Bot.
I’ll see you later at actual bedtime. So, that’s never happened before where we’ve worked with a brainbot. But, you know, brainbots are like those little things that come up at bedtime. I think we…and I’m here to kinda take…you see how I can work with them, and they love listening to my stories. I guess that was my main point that I was trying to get to that I never did. So, I think that’s it. I’m glad you’re here. I work really hard, I yearn and I strive, and I want to help you fall asleep. Thanks again for coming by, and here’s a couple ways I’m able to be here for you twice a week.
INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts, things you’re thinking about on your mind, thoughts…so, past, present, or future thoughts…thoughts, physical sensations, so anything coming up for your body or feelings, anything emotionally coming up for you. Whatever it is that’s keeping you awake…it could be changes in schedule.
Like, when I’m recording this…not to do TMI, but oh boy, am I having one of those weeks, and it’s the week leading up to springing forward. Hopefully you’ll be hearing this in the summertime or something. But I do not want to spring ahead because my sprung has already…I say, I don’t know if…my springs do not have any tensile strength anymore. But I roll with it. The one thing I learned by making this show is hey, take it…okay, can’t fall asleep, eh? Okay, what can we do? Can we stay calm? That’s always the first question I ask myself. Can we take a breath here? Can we rest? Should we change it up? Should we get out of bed? Anyway, enough about me, because really, whatever’s keeping you awake is why I’m here right now. I can relate to what’s keep…I mean, that’s what…my main point about that.
But whatever’s keeping you awake, I’d like to take your mind off of that. What I’m gonna do is try to create a safe place here where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s…oh wait, I already said that. Then I’ll send…so, what I’ll do is I’ll send my voice across the deep, dark night, and I’ll use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones. Oh, so creaky are my dulcet tones. Just another sign of my imperfection. You say, how do you know that…how do you judge the fallibility of a sleep podcaster? You say, well, I guess on the great old…the old creaky scale, Scoots is on the…he’s on the creaky side of dulcet. I think he wrote…that was one of the many books he never wrote multiple times, and he was…that’s how he also got banned from Waffle House. Really? He got banned from Waffle House?
Yeah, he started ordering his eggs on the creaky side of dulcet. They said, what? He said, yeah, I’ll take my eggs on the creaky side of dulcet. Actually, it caused a backup on everybody’s order, because they said, I think this young man’s serious. Then they went back and they had a conference, then they called the corporate office on the big…the Waffle Phone, which is only for Waffle House emergencies, which in this case is breakfast-related. They said, corporate HQ, what’s going on? They said, we got somebody here with an order we…that’s incomprehensible. They said, inconceivable? They said, well, not…I guess…we can’t comprehend it, so we don’t know if we can conceive it. They said, well, what kind of waffle did this young person order?
They said, well, ‘young person’ was just a polite way he would describe himself in the third person, but he ordered…he didn’t order a waffle. I say, okay, okay. Really? Went to a Waffle House; he didn’t order waffles. I say, well, yeah, I mean, of course. Okay, what did he order? He ordered his eggs with…on a creaky side of dulcet, and he just said it, and then he said it again. We said, that’s how you want your eggs? He said, yeah. We didn’t ask him to elaborate because…but he was so confident. So, we’re just wondering if you have anything in the big WH database, you know, in the history of the WH, any of the old cookbooks or corporate secret vaults? Anything on a creaky side of dulcet with…as far as an order goes? Has it been…? It’s never happened before.
I’ll tell you what…as a matter of fact, I can’t get into the history of the belief systems of the Waffle House, but I can tell you that this was predicted. One day I was out on a hike and I came across a cabin. I gotta get to the point, but some…a person in the cabin told me, one day you’ll get an order from a restaurant. One day you’ll be working in Waffle House HQ. You’ll get a order that makes no sense at all. Don’t bother with it. Just tell them to order something else. Okay. We’ll do that. Tell him he’s supposed to…he’s not…tell the customer he’s not actually in a Waffle House and he’s not actually ordering breakfast. He’s supposed to be starting the intro to a sleep podcast. Is that what the person in the cabin told you? Yes, it was a wise woman, and she told me to tell him to get back to the intro.
Okay, sorry everybody. Drifted off there. So, oh, whatever’s keeping you awake, I’d like to take your mind off that, send my voice…creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, and superfluous tangents. I think we just got a dose of that. So, I’m gonna go off-topic to keep you company while you fall asleep. But the thing is…a couple things about this show. One is it doesn’t really put you to sleep. I’m more here to keep you company while you fall asleep. That’s why the episodes are over an hour, so you have plenty of time to drift off. Even if you can’t sleep, I’ll be here. I’ll be here to the very end, so just kinda see how it goes. So, that’s one thing. The other thing is this is a podcast you really don’t listen to.
It’s more of a podcast you barely pay attention to, kinda like that whole thing. You may have been listening. You say, what is this…is this a thought experiment? Well, two, is there any belief systems based on Waffle House? I would say, 100% guaranteed. Everybody deserves a good breakfast, and a good breakfast every day makes everything go pretty good for Waffle House’s way. If you eat there and…many other things. So, it’s a podcast you kinda just barely pay attention to, is…so, don’t really listen, you don’t…you kinda just…just like, you say, what is he babbling about? You might be new. You might say that, and you say, oh. Then if you become a regular listener you say, what’s Scoots babbling about? Then if you become a superfan, you say, huh, what’s Scoots babbling about?
Waffle House? I might barely listen to this one. So, those are two things for new listeners you gotta get used to, and that’s totally normal. ‘Cause I mean, I would be skeptical if I tuned into this podcast and listened to it for the first three or four times, for sure. Then I would be more skeptical about…you’d say, oh yes, you gotta view Scoots with some skepticism but some sort of positive version of that, where you say, I’m skeptical he’ll ever make any sense. Also, I wonder if the Waffle House really does have a Waffle Phone. Or at least, they might have one at HQ. So, those are a couple things. The other thing if you’re new that can throw you off is the structure of the show. So, the show starts off…it has a very unique structure because it’s a very unique podcast, but everything kinda serves a purpose.
So, the show starts off with a greeting; friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, so you feel welcome and seen. Then there’s business and…so, there’s listener support, then there’s the sponsors that support the show. So, there’s some resources for listeners, then there’s how we keep the podcast free. So, those…that’s the next part. Then there’s an intro. That’s where it really steers…the intro’s around twelve to twenty minutes long of me explaining the podcast. So, at first it could seem ornerous. You say, what do you mean, I gotta sit through all this? I say, well, no. It’s kind of a…it serves a purpose. The show is designed in a way…and it’s definitely not for everybody, but that’s why you gotta give it a few tries.
The intro is meant to introduce the new listener to the podcast, but it has new nonsense every single time so that the regular listener…so it can't adjust. Like, whatever part of you is keeping you awake, it can’t get used to it and say, well, I know…people say, well, I know Scoots is gonna talk about…is he gonna imagine he’s at a Waffle House tonight again? That may happen one every…once every 333 episodes or something, but not much often than that. So, oh, but the intro also serves as a wind-down for most listeners. Not for every listener; I understand. But as you get used to the show, the majority of listeners start listening as they’re easing into bedtime, whether that’s getting ready for bed or relaxing or getting in bed and getting comfortable versus…this show is just not designed to put you to sleep instantly.
For some people it does, but not the majority of listeners. That’s great if it puts you to sleep instantly. But so, it’s meant to kinda ease you as a part of your bedtime routine, so you could be doing some other calming stuff. You could also adjust. Three of listeners skip the beginning of the show and they start the show at around twenty minutes. I just heard from a reviewer who said they start the show at thirty minutes and then they set a thirty-minute timer, and that’s a unique way to listen. If that works for them…so, you can kinda see what works for you. If you like to listen all night or you like something…being a patron’s always an option, but there’s a lot of ways people adjust the show to that works for them with the free show. But so, the intro eases you into bedtime.
Then it’ll be our…then there’s business, then it’s our episodically modular story, Journey into the Land of Tomorrow, that you can listen to in any order. This happens to be a recap look-back episode. So, a great way to start it out or finish it or just fall asleep to it. Then there’s thank-yous at the end. So, that’s the structure of the show. The reason I make this show is because I’ve been there. Last night…every other night over the past while, I’ve been there. Trouble getting to sleep…oh boy, big time, and then trouble staying asleep, big time. So, I know how it feels. You could probably hear it in my voice. I say, okay, well, it’s…never…give it another try tonight. So, I know how it feels out there. Even today, I say, man, I’m more vulnerable, I feel like, emotionally or mentally, when I don’t get enough sleep.
I can’t flourish or even be…you know what I mean. If I can help you with that…while this show does not work for everybody, I really hope it can help you, because you deserve a good night’s sleep and you deserve a rest. Just like I say, it to myself…it’s like okay, it’s not happening right now, but we’ll get through it. We’ll just take it one day at a time and we’ll see…yeah, we’ll try to do our routine again tonight and see if that works. So, I hope Sleep With Me can be part of your bedtime routine and help you get to sleep. It really would be my honor. I work really hard on this show. I yearn and I strive, and I really hope I can help you fall asleep. Thanks.
Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever is keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts, things you’re thinking about, past, present or future. So, thoughts, feelings, anything coming up for you emotionally related to your thoughts or just in general that’s there, stuff you’re feeling, physical sensations, changes in time or temperature or routine of…life events. I know, I know. Yeah, that’s why I’m here.
Any of those things, or a lot of times it’s layers of those things. Whatever’s keeping you awake…whatever’s keeping you awake, I’d like to take your mind…keep you company and take your mind off of that. That’s my job. Speaking clearly is not my job, but what I could do is send my voice across the deep, dark night here, create a safe place with some smoothing and patting. I got that safe place smoothed, pat, rubbed down. I say, hey, it’s open here for you. Then I send my voice across the deep, dark night. I use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents. I go off-topic, I get mixed up…I get mixed up, I go off-topic, I get confused, and that’s what I do here. So…yeah. I’m already mixed up; that’s why. So…oh, all to put you to sleep and keep you company while you drift off.
If you’re new…if you’re a regular listener, that was really a lull there. I got mixed up. I said, what? Where was I? But if you’re a regular listener…so, if you’re a regular listener, that’s pretty early for me to get mixed up, I think. If you’re a new listener, I’m glad you’re here. Let me give you some information about the podcast so that you can understand how different it is, and hopefully it’ll help you fall asleep. But you probably want some information, ‘cause if you’re new, you may be skeptical, you may be doubtful, you may be unsure. So, let me tell you. So, a couple things if you’re knew to know; one, this is a podcast you don’t really listen to, obviously. I’ve done probably a thousand of these intros and I still can’t do them in a concise way. So, this is a podcast you more consume like when you’re looking at water.
There’s…sometimes when you’re looking at water, tropical water, you might say, oh boy, I hope I remember this. This really…that tropical water looks good. But there’s other times you’re looking at water and you say, man, that water…I really like looking at water for a few minutes. Then you move on. You say, wow, it’s flowing or waving or sitting. Even tepid water. Talk about something that doesn’t get…that gets associated with only…all-or-nothing thinking, which I’m a specialist at. But there’s…hopefully we could sing the praises of tepid water for the first time, balanced out with the needs that maybe it has to be dealt with. Again, we’re not gonna be all…I’m not gonna only sing the praises of tepid water. Tepid water, you’re imperfect like a human. That’s my ode.
Oh…so, yeah, I go off…oh, so this is a podcast you don’t really listen to. It’s also a podcast that doesn’t really put you to sleep. I’m here to keep you company while you fall asleep. That’s why the episodes are about an hour, so you have plenty of time to drift off. You don’t have to wonder, oh, is the episode gonna end before I fall asleep? No, I’m here. I’m here to keep you company if you’re awake or asleep. So, if you can’t sleep, I’m gonna be here, to. I’m here to the very end because that’s my job, is to be talking, keeping you company, taking your mind off of stuff whether you’re awake or asleep, whether you need me or not. So, if you can’t sleep, I’m gonna be here. I just want to repeat that again, because being repetitive’s also another one of my specialties, but also it’s important. So, those are two things.
The other things that can throw new listeners off other than my creaky, dulcet tones, my stuttering, my getting mixed up, is it takes a couple times to get used to this show. Like I said, it’s totally natural to arrive to this podcast and be skeptical or doubtful, because if you’re listening to this show, you’ve probably tried other stuff to put you to sleep, right? It may or may not have worked or it may or may not have worked consistently. So, that’s why I’m here, is to help. So, that’s another thing to know, is…I don’t know. I don’t know why I’m so mixed up today. So, if you’re skeptical or doubtful, that’s totally natural. Just give the show a few tries. That’s what most listeners that became regular listeners say in their reviews of the show; hey, it took two or three tries for me to get used to the podcast ‘cause it’s so different.
It took two or three tries for me to just start barely listening to the show. So, give it a few tries. There’s really nothing to lose, and I hope it can help. It doesn’t help everybody. I’m just not everybody’s cup of tea. If you listen a couple times or you know right away…Scoots, you’re not my cup of tea…you may even be using stronger language than that. You could always go to sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou. You can find a bunch of other sleep podcasts and stuff there. So, there’s that. What else? So, definitely not for everybody…oh, structure of the show. Now, my new listeners, I want to tell you about the structure of the show.
My regular listeners, they’ve kind of adjusted how they listen, to how they…the podcast is one part of their bedtime routine or one layer, or for some listeners it’s part of their when-they-wake-up routine or when-they-need-some-soothing routine, or maybe their all-night-listening routine. So, as a new listener, you could kinda see what works for you after you listen a couple times. But it definitely throws new listeners off, the structure of the show. The show starts off with a greeting; friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and something…I said something about Star Trek, right? Or didn’t I say,…? Oh, and fans of tepid water everywhere. I’m sure there’s a planet with tepid water in Star Trek. It would be a interesting atmosphere.
But there’s gotta be. Is that what…was primordial soup tepid by necessity? I don’t know. I picture it bubbling and churning occasionally to the sweet sounds of Helen Mirren’s voice. If I…I take my primordial soup with a side of Helen Mirren narration if I can. You say, Scoots, where can I get that? I say, I don’t know. Maybe a IMAX movie? I’m not exactly sure. It’s somewhere in my archetypal brain. But where else was I? So…oh, so the structure of the show. So, a greeting, then there’s listener support for you, then there’s support for the podcast via the sponsors or Patreon, then there’s an intro. So, the intro starts somewhere around six or eight minutes into the show and it runs for about twelve to twenty minutes long. I’ll explain more about the intro.
Then after the intro is business, more sponsor stuff. Just, that’s where…that’s the prime spot sponsors want to be in, is the first…after the first third of a podcast. Plus, this show’s supposed to ease you into bedtime, so that’s the sponsors. Then there’s our Star Trek coverage. We’ll be talking about the episode Q Who? You don’t need to have seen Star Trek: The Next Generation before to enjoy this. It’ll be very…it’ll put you to sleep…I mean, or take your mind off of stuff no matter if you’re familiar with it or not. So…and that will probably be around fifty, fifty-five minutes long. Then there’s some thank-yous at the end of the show. So, that’s the structure of the show. The reason the intro is so long — or some people at first when they say, why is the intro so long…? — is to ease you into bedtime.
It’s to help…I’m here to walk at your side while you fall asleep. For a lot of us, that means doing something to wind down or get ready for bed, or get in bed and get comfortable, or do something else relaxing for fifteen or twenty minutes, or just not have the pressure to fall asleep. You could get in your bed and get comfortable, and maybe you’re sitting up or maybe something else, and you’re listening. There’s no pressure to fall asleep. We’re winding down, we’re leaving the day behind, and that’s what the intro is. So, for new listeners, you kinda get the idea of what to expect, and I just provide example after example by going off-topic. For regular listeners, it’s familiar but different every single time.
That way, whatever parts of you are keeping you awake or jockeying for your attention, they can’t really adjust ‘cause it’s different every time. They can’t say, well, I know what Scoots is gonna say next. They more say, well, eventually Scoots will…is he gonna…? Then they say, well, is he gonna talk about tepid…? When’s he gonna talk about…? Will he remember to talk about tepid water ever again? How much of Scoots’ entire…? Some people are, whatever, 98% water. Scoots is 88% primordial soup. I say, actually, no. We recently got it measured; I’m primordial goop. I’m 44% primordial goop, 44% primordial soup. So, even my primordial is watered down. Hubba, hubba. Talk about…Scoots doesn’t do dad jokes. He does…I don’t know what to call them. He does sleepy half-jokes.
So…okay, so that’s the structure of the show. The reason I make the podcast is because…two reasons. I’ve been there, tossing, turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep. That was me last night, trouble staying asleep. So, I know how it feels. I know how it can feel. I know how it can feel physically, emotionally. The thoughts, the feelings, the physical sensations, I’ve had those. So, if I can keep you company and take your mind off of some of that so you can drift back off or you could get to sleep, that’s really…it makes me feel good because I know how it feels when it doesn’t feel good. If I can make something out of bedtime that you look forward to instead of D-R-E-A-D-I-N-Ging or whatever…however the…whatever that word is.
That’s how I’ve always viewed bedtime before I started making this podcast. If I can make it something at least neutral, that’s special to me. Then, the other thing is you deserve a good night’s sleep. You deserve some rest. You deserve to be rested for tomorrow so you could live your life. If that can happen, our world’s a better place. Some people brush that off or say it’s whatever…I don’t know. But it is important and it is true. It’s actually a fact; if you’re a little bit more rested, the entire world’s a little bit better. So, that’s important to me. I mean, I think that’s mostly it. I guess I was trying to get back to that tepid water. I guess all-or-nothing thinking, like I said, is a specialty of mine. So, when I first thought of tepid water, I said, okay, well, here’s all the things…I say, okay, well, yeah, those are all things associated with tepid water.
But there’s…it’s…also might be nice to look at. Some people may call it a home, some beings, even though you’re saying some of those beings, we…as humans, we prefer they don’t make their homes there. You could also say it’s not the temperature…it’s a temperature that’s neither cooling nor soothing. I'd say, you’ve…you’re like me; you’ve waded into tepid water before. I hear you. I know how…tepid water; I know how it feels. That could be a poster with…that could be on the cat poster, too. I'd say, yeah, I know how you feel. Tepid water? I know how you feel. I’ve felt tepid. You say, Scoots, how do you approach adventure? Like tepid water, man. I got my toolbox full of primordial goop, and I tepidly approach adventure. So…but yeah, I don’t…I guess I wouldn’t call tepid water underrated.
I would just say, let’s try to look at it in a more…like in a not all-or-nothing way. Because I say, well, I just don’t know quite enough about you to totally sing your praises other than to say tepid water; give it a shot. Look at it for a little while. You don’t need to wade into it, but maybe even I could wade into it one day or dip my toe in and say, huh, that is an interesting temperature. The temperature of tepid water is normally the same temperature as soup after…soup that you don’t have to blow on but is still a good temperature to consume. That’s the temperature I associate with tepid water. Maybe a bit cooler than that, ‘cause you say, it’s not bath…it’s not the temperature of bathwater, oh, that sweet, sweet bathwater that’s ready to relax us. No, but…so, I don’t know.
Tepid water; give…did I say, tepid water, give it a shot? So, I don’t know. I guess…I mean, as much as I wanted to sing your praises, I’m sorry, tepid water. Alls I can say is that…I guess I could say I gotta put it back on me. I have to accept my responsibility to go out there and give you a…give you more attention of my attention. Being in the Present Moment with Tepid Water, one of my many books that I’ll never write, or meditations on existence. So, to get back to all of you dear listeners, I’m glad you’re here. I work really hard on the show. It takes a few tries to get used to but I really hope, I really yearn, I really strive, I really want to help you fall asleep. Thank you again for coming by, and here’s a couple ways we’re able to do this for you free twice a week.
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(Transcription performed by LeahTranscribes)
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