1279 – By The Book | Alba Salix S2E1
Right in time for sleep is a new set of rules for Alba and the team brought by a new bureaucrat.
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Episode 1279 – By The Book | Alba Salix S2E1
[START OF RECORDING]
SCOOTER: Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, by appointment of the King and Queen…never been appointed by a king or a queen or pretty much by…I’m here…welcome to Sleep With Me, by the way, if you’re new. This is a very different podcast. I’m glad you’re here. Regular listeners, so happy to see all of you. Sleep With Me is a podcast that’s here to keep you company in the deep, dark night and to take your mind off of stuff so you could fall asleep. It is a very different show. I’m just here to be your friend in the deep, dark night and to keep you company while you fall asleep and to be a distraction. It takes a few tries to get used to.
Usually I’m a little bit sillier, but I tried to be silly and it somehow lulled me into a non…I’ve been lulled into a…I’ve self…I’ve auto-lulled. So, I don't know, but that’s probably a good sign. But yeah, this is a podcast…it takes some getting used to. It’s just very different. I’m so…I’m really happy you’re here. I said I’m so glad already. I don't want to repeat myself, but…'cause I know what it’s like in the deep, dark night. So, give the show a few tries. Here’s some structural stuff; right after this we got support, sponsor support, so you could listen to the podcast for free. If you prefer a ad-free experience, you can listen on Sleep With Me+, then we have a long, meandering intro meant to ease you into bedtime.
If you prefer just the stories, you could find those for free, too, on Bedtime Stories from Sleep With Me. But we’ll have a long, meandering intro kinda to introduce you to the show but also to put you at ease, and, I don't know, it eases you into bedtime. Then there’s a story. Tonight it’ll be our crossover series with Alba Salix, Season 2, Episode 1. So, that is very exciting, and that’ll be about forty-five, fifty minutes, and then we’ll have some thank-yous at the end of the show. So, that’s the structure of the show. I’m really glad you’re here. Just kinda see how it goes and take it from there, and thanks for making that possible, my bore-friends.
INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake; thoughts on your mind, like things you’re thinking about, thoughts about the past, the present, the future, just…I don't know, thoughts. There’s a lot of them for me.
Honestly, there’s a lot of times I’m thinking that I don't even know I’m…I catch myself thinking about two…they say you can't think about two or three things at once, but my brain has an ability to line them up so consecutively. So, there’ll be thoughts, then there’s feelings, anything coming up for you emotionally related to those thoughts or feelings that are just there, it could be changes in time, temperature, routine, it could be something you’re going through, work schedule, you could have something coming up, you could have guests, you could be traveling. Whatever it is, I’m here to take your mind off of it and keep you company so you could fall asleep. The only reason I list some of that stuff is so you get the sense you’re not alone in the deep, dark night.
You don’t have to face this alone. I know this is a podcast and I can only put it out there for you to use, but the show does have a very strong community around it. A large portion of the community is a silent community but it’s based in a shared feeling, a shared obstacle and a shared frustration a lot of times that…the people listening that listen on a regular basis that support the show year after year or that just come once or twice and the show helps them through something and they have a positive memory of it…everyone relates to the fact of like…and nobody else quite gets how it feels for me in the deep, dark night.
I might not know exactly what you’re going through, but I could probably relate to how some of it feels, even if I can't relate to everything, and I want to help because I’ve been there. Even if I can't relate, there’s someone listening somewhere in the world who can relate to how you feel, and they really feel for you. This isn't just something I say. It’s something I know. There is someone else somewhere out there in the world listening to this podcast right now that knows how you feel or can relate to it, and I’m talking about how it feels on the inside. They’ve been there or some place very similar, and they’re nodding along right now hoping this podcast can help you out, because they’ve been there on the other side.
They really wish that for you and they hope…not only does this show work for you — it doesn't work for everybody but hopefully it helps you out — that one day you could be that welcoming presence for them and hold this space for them and say, yeah, I don't know how it works with…this podcast has a strong, silent community behind it, but I’m gonna try to send my loving energy and welcomingness out in the deep, dark night for them, 'cause that’s what they’re doing for you right now, and I’m glad to be a part of that. There’s also…the other side of it is you deserve a good night's sleep. You deserve a place where you could get some rest, where your life is more manageable, where you get the rest you need, right, so tomorrow you’re more rested and then you don’t have to deal with the rigmarole around this.
So, I hope the show could provide that, too. The way it works is I send my voice across the deep, dark night. I use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, and superfluous tangents…which means my voice is not traditionally soothing, and I go off-topic, I get mixed up, I forget what I was talking about, then I repeat myself, then I get…then I say, wait a second, by…how come I haven't been appointed by a king or a queen? I’ve thought of that many times. Even in this…recording the story we got coming up here, it’s like, how come there’s not someone like a jester to just talk royalty to sleep? I mean, I don't know, maybe it would be a little too high-pressure.
So, I don't want to be working for anybody that makes…that does any proc…I don't want to be involved in any proclamations, even if it’s a good…I’d say, I’d prefer not to be in any proclamations, but I wouldn't mind a couple chests of gold, if you know what I’m saying, My King or My Queen. Am I your liege or…you’re my…? Am I…do I say ‘My Liege’ to you or do you say it to me? I’m your liege, right? I’m your leisurely…I’m the leisurely liege of leisure. Well, I’m not good at leisure, but I’m good at creating…going off topic and talking about leisure. M’lord, m’ladies, I’m here to be…talk leisurely for you, lulling, leisurely…this sounds like a commercial. What are they called? There was a coffee they would try to market. I can't remember.
Taste International or something? International Delight; loving, lulling, and something else. So, anyway, what was I saying? Oh, you deserve a good night's sleep where you could get the rest you need so your life is more manageable…send my voice across the deep, dark night…I’m here to keep you company and take your mind off of stuff. The first thing that takes some getting used to is that this is a podcast that you kind of listen to. You can listen to it, but you don’t need to listen to it. You could pay attention, but you don’t have to pay a lot of attention. You could even pretend to pay attention and just bare…say, uh-huh, yeah, Taster’s Choice, International Delight, whatever it is. It was some kind of powdered, fancy coffee. It was like a coffee beverage. I think it was…I don't know. It doesn't matter.
Probably still out there. When I was a kid, I watched so much TV I said, oh boy, I want to get…one day, maybe I won't be royalty, but at least I’ll buy a tin of that stuff. I’m guessing it had more than one flavor, but maybe not. It was probably just powdered milk and sugar, but…maybe a little flavoring. I’m a little flavoring, though. You just barely listen to me. You say, just put a hint of something in there. I don't need any else…I don't need a lot of flavor in my sleep podcast. But the podcast is a certain flavor. It does take some getting used to. It takes two or three tries to get used to this show for most people.
Some people, the podcast never works for, I think the majority of people that tune in, and that’s why I have a website set up; sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou. So, you could check it out and see how it goes. Then if it doesn't work, just check sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou. Then you say, oh, there’s other sleep podcasts I can try. What else do you need to know? This podcast…I’m not here to put you to sleep. I’m here to keep you company while you fall asleep. There is no pressure to fall asleep with this podcast. You could listen to it during the day, but there’s no pressure to fall asleep at night, either. I’m here for over an hour. That’s the reason the shows are over an hour, so you say, okay, the podcast can be on for a while. I don't gotta worry about falling asleep.
That’s my job. I’m here to be your bore-friend, your bore-bud, your bore-sib, your bore-bestie, your neigh-bore, your bore-friend, your bores, your bore…your Borbie. I got it all mixed up there. Normally…regular listeners are chuckling 'cause I messed up. I’m here to be your friend in the deep, dark night, your bore-bestie, and to keep you company whether you’re awake or asleep, 'cause there’s people who are listening who need a break during the day, there’s people who are listening who can't sleep at all, and there’s a lot of people listening in kind of different phases or shades of getting ready for bed or getting in bed or drifting off. That’s what my job is, to be your friend, take your mind off of stuff and just ramble on and on and on, and then perform as the cast of Alba Salix with very little…barely…it’s quite a good episode, too.
Season 2 opener…so, that’s exciting. What else? What else is…? It’s not really exciting. It’s a sleep podcast. But so…oh, the other thing you need to know about the structure of the show…so, the show is structured in a way that works for the majority of people that listen to the show, but it is adjustable. But what I say is try it out the way a lot of people listen to it, which is…they listen to this ad-supported version linearly. But then you could try out listening to it in other ways and find out what works for you. If you say, okay, this podcast kinda works but I prefer this…but let me explain to you why we do it the way we do it. It starts off with a greeting; friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. That way you feel seen and welcomed in.
You say, okay, I might check that podcast out and see how it goes. Then there’s sponsor support, and the listeners who support the sponsors enable us to put this show out, and paying for it’s optional. Only real rebels pay for the podcast, or people that are so rebellious they say, I get so much value out of the show, I want to pay for it back, or people that prefer a ad-free experience. But most people, they like hearing the sponsors and they like that aspect of the show. Then there’s an intro. The intro is separate from the support and a show within a show, and it has a specific reason. But if you decide, hey, I’d prefer a show without intros, we now have that podcast out, Bedtime Stories from Sleep With Me, if you just want to have the teaser part of the show and the story part of the show.
But for most listeners, the intro does a few different things. One, it introduces the podcast. It does it very ineffectively. I go on a unique tangent every time but I follow a similar structure so it’s familiar but different. So, you get some reassurance, but you also get some variety, and that way, at least from my experience, you’re more likely to barely listen because it’s gonna be different every time. So, you say, well, at least he’s not dialing it in. He’s made over 1,250 episode…I mean, intros. So, the intro is kind of…but the thing is it takes about fifteen minutes, 'cause that’s meant to be part of your bedtime routine, whether you’re getting ready for bed, you’re in bed getting comfortable, or you’re doing a chill wind-down activity, even if it’s just lying around.
The intro, it’s what has worked for me personally, is having a wind down, and what most research that I’ve read seems to support. Now, there are people that are already asleep, or there’s people that would prefer the story-only version of the show, and now we have that set up for you. But for most people, it’s like a landing or a buffer to have some distance from your waking self to your bedtime self, and you get to hang with a friend that’s a goofball and wishes that, yeah, some…there was another…where there was…they say, oh, sir, we need you…we’ve written stuff like this before, but they say, we need to fly you to Malta again. I say, no, sorry, I’m gonna be in Monaco, but…unless you…my fee is…it’s pretty…it’s a pretty…it’s a high fee.
So…but that turns out that there’s no people in the world that need that or that are willing to pay for it. So, this is easier, anyway. This way, tons of people get to benefit by the podcast form. To think, something I pioneered for bazillionaires can benefit so many people. But, what was I saying? I got mixed up. Oh, the intro goes on and on and on. Now, you could also set a sleep timer on your…I wouldn't do it now because if you’re just new to podcasts and this show…but as you become a regular listener, a good sleep timer is sixty minutes or forty-five minutes. But there’s some people that listen all night long. It is better if you’re a all-night listener to support the show directly, but…and some people listen to only part of a episode each night. So, just see what works for you as you become a regular listener.
But that’s why we designed the structure of the show the way it is. The intro goes on and on and on to lower the volume on the day and so we get some time for all of us to hang out together. Then there’s support again so the show could be free or paying for it is optional, then there will be our Alba Salix crossover. So, it’ll be a bedtime story set with Alba and Holly and Magnus and some new characters, or a new character, and then there’s thank-yous at the end. So, that’s the structure of the show. That’s why I make the show. I’m really glad you’re here checking the podcast out. I really appreciate your time. Myself and a team of people work on this show, and we all really are looking forward to helping you fall asleep. We yearn and we strive to do it. So, thanks again for coming by, and here’s a couple ways we’re able to do this for you for free twice a week.
Alright everybody, Scoots here. It’s time for our crossover series, Season 2. We’re headed into Season 2 of Alba Salix. So, what could be more exciting than that? We get to return to the world of Alba, Holly, Magnus, and all our friends. So, get in bed and get comfortable as we head to Alba Salix, Season 2, Episode 1, By the Book. So, here we go, a little bit of music to set the mood. We’re in a palace courtyard. It’s daytime. Then the music changes. It’s the kind of music you see in films that makes you wonder what’s going on. Something’s going on, and I probably should pay attention because Emperor Rockheart is speaking. We remember when we last left off…you say, wait a second…but Emperor Rockheart is like, people of Farloria, this day your tiny kingdom joins the mighty empire of Balgomar, our empire.
Your empire shall be immeasurably enriched by your people. Your culture and your precious, precious minerals, the magical energy that runs through your land, shall fuel Balgomar for years to come. The crowd…oh boy, I can hear you cheering for me, and that is great news because not only…'cause I have one more thing, you know? It’s here to rule your small, quaint, little province. I, Emperor Rockheart, give you your King and Queen to be, Prince Bulwark and Princess Minzy. Oh, this is Minzy; giggly, giggly, goo, honey, that’s us, darling. Yes, that’s me, Bulwark; a kingdom of our very own. Yeah, it’s your honey, Minzy, here; you know, I’ve always liked this palace far more than that icky, little pile of old rocks at Fair Upon Midling. Yes, Minzy, I agree. This is truly a place fit for your beauteous self.
Oh, my darling, my sweet, little Bully-wully is going to be king. That’s me, kingy-wingy. Giggle, giggle…it’s early, Minzy, but we shouldn't be giggling too much. We should just refer to our giggling. Oh, when you refer to your giggling, that makes me even want to giggle…refer to my giggling even more, you silly, silly boy. Excuse me, Your Majesties, I’m making a speech and presenting you; this is Rockheart speaking. Oh, yes, father. I’m sorry. Should we say something to our new subjects? Yeah, we should, shouldn’t we? Oh, hello. Hello, it’s me, Minzy; hi. Oh, they’re shouting. They’re shouting at us. Yes…okay, that’s good. This is Rockheart here; a bright, new future lies ahead for Farloria, but first, we must sweep aside the past. Bring forth our uninvited guests. Okay, dramatic music builds and things rattle.
This is me, Parabel; this is not…this is Parabel; I am the Queen. This is unacceptable. I feel like there’s…usurption’s happening. Are you usurping? Yes, this is Gunther, this is Gunther; I say, there’s no need for all this unpleasantness. Yeah, this is Parabel; you may…you can…the spirit of Farloria will never be defeated, even if you somehow defeat us, which we’d prefer not to be defeated or usurped. This is Minzy, Aunt Parabel; could you please be quiet? Minzy, this is Gunther; how could you do this to us? Oh, it’s me, Minzy, Uncle Gunther; well, my papa-in-law was right. Ha, ha, Rockheart here; that’s well-said, Minzy. This is Parabel; I knew it was gonna come to this. Gunther here; Minzy, could you please, please think this over? No, Gunther, this is Minzy; the line of succession is clear.
So long as you and your son are running around here, our claim to the throne is invalid. It’s a little bit flimsy, they’d say. Therefore, the only proper thing to do is…we’re gonna…no…[inaudible] a hard word…that’s a word you can say in a sleep podcast 'cause it’ just so un-well-known. But we’re not gonna do that, anyway. You’ll be big-farmed. There’ll be…there’s gonna be…they’re gonna lop you off to the big farm, as they say, and I’m feeling like my giggling is turning into more of a caricature of how I am in the inside. An apple rotten to the core is what my giggling is revealing. The crowd is chanting, lop it, lop it, lop it.
Maybe they’re even singing the song. Instead of ‘Shake it off’, they’re saying, ‘Lop it. Lop it off.’ But anyway, it’s time to cut to the palace bedchambers suddenly. Oh, this is Parabel; oh, I’m waking up from a terrible dream. Oh, darling, this is Gunther; what on earth is the matter? Gunther, those…they’re up to something. They’re not gonna lop me or you or my son. Wait, who won't? Wait, what son? What are you…a son? What do you mean? Oh, goodness, you’re right, Gunther. I just dreamt I had a son. Well, perhaps it’s a good omen, then, Parabel. No, no, no, Gunther, it was a bad dream. It wasn’t a good dream. Deep breaths, my treasure.
Let’s have some quellflower tea. Let me ring the servant’s bell. Jing-a-ling-a-ling. Oh, yes, thank you, dear. That’s the third night this week. Maybe you should listen to a sleep podcast. Those haven't been…we need a sleep jester here as soon as possible, or maybe you could see your sister about this. She’s coming to the palace in the morning, anyway. Huh, perhaps I should. She and that fairy of hers could come up with something stronger than tea. Well, yeah. So, we’ll need something much, much stronger.
Now, the start of the episode. By appointment to the King and Queen, Alba Salix, Royal Physician, Volume 2, Episode the First, By the Book. Now we’re in one of those rooms, a checking-up-on-you room. It’s morning, and Alba’s working with someone. So, what exactly is going on with you, mister…? Well, it’s Galitas, Sir Galitas Lightwind the Pure. I deal with archetypal unpleasantries…bringer of peace and justice. I’m having a little bit…I’m doing a little bit of…I’m feeling like I’m mumbling a little bit, though. Well, have you had anything…? Oh, wait, I’m still…it’s…still working on my title. It’s Galitas. ‘Twas I who ford the great, raging river. I pulled the mighty mace of the Maxilark from the Heaving Swamp. This is Alba; congratulations. What brings you to the House of Healing?
Well, Madam Salix, the matter is slightly embarrassing. Believe me, we’ve seen everything here. Okay, well, I’m…I have a bit of a rashy-poo on my facey-poo. Okay, is that it? Yeah, but I’m the noblest of knights. I need to seem noble at all times to stir the hearts of good folk of the kingdom. Now I have to keep my helm…that’s why I’m mumbling. I didn’t know if you realized I’m wearing my helmet. I can't have anyone see me. I have a image to project. Okay, I’m sure it’s fine. Just take your helmet off, please. Do I have to? Yeah. I’ve dealt with other…believe me, this is my profession. I’m not…a rashy-poo? You’re worried about a rashy-poo? Yes. Very well, I will remove my helmet and it will clank on the floor.
Oh boy, this is Alba; that’s a…I wouldn't call that a poo…I mean, well, a good…thinking of a different kind of rashy-poo. Yeah, I know. I think it was when I saw the manticore of the Northern Wastes. I think it was when I dealt with the manti-poo of the Northern Wastes. What do you mean? Well, it didn’t…I thought it would smite me down with its foul breath so my legs would grow weak, but I held my ground and I laid low the manti-poo. Well, so, did it smite you or what? The foul breath? Where did it foul…? No, no, no, my shin. It foul-breathed on my shin. On your shinny-shin-shin? I don't think the manti-poo’s related to this, then. I think you’ll find it is. Can I take a look at your helmet? How many hours a day are you wearing this helmet for? Yes, this is my helm, you’re right.
I call it a helm, not a helmet. Sometimes I call it a helmet, but it is a helm crafted by the dwarven smiths of the Lagoth Blaggat. Okay, yeah, is this…? I think it’s a reaction to the metal of the helm. No, no, no, this is forged and shaped precisely to fit me. It can't be causing anything. It’s hypoallergenic. Okay, well, we’re gonna have to run some tests on this helmet or helm. Magnus, could you come in here? Oh, yes, it’s me, Magnus; what’s up, boss? Oh, this is…this…no, no, no, I would prefer my rashy-poo not be seen by anybody else. I’m gonna put my helmet on. This is Alba; Magnus…this is my apprentice, Magnus. Magnus, this is Sir Galitas or…? He’s having a issue with his helmet. Sir Galitas, your helm, please. Okay, fine. Whoa, man, that is one sweet helmet. Did dwarves make this? Aye. Wow, that is cool.
What’s this writing on the inside? Oh, those are the magic runes of the dwarves of the east…northeast. I had a dance-off with their champion from the vast Mountain Kingdom. I’m gentle-hearted, but when I out-danced him, I just asked for a helm from the legendary forge. What does it say? I believe it says, ‘To the dancer who dances from plains to mountains but his dancing is not plain.’ Oh, this is Alba; okay, I figured it out. Okay, what do you mean? What do you mean you figured it out? Okay, so, your forehead…there’s three crossed lines on your forehead. That’s a rune, right? The dwarves used the same symbol in the past to mark people whose dancing was distasteful and not welcoming. Distasteful dancers?
Yeah, no, no, no…and this in the helmet doesn't say anything about dancing’s not plain. It does so say that. Okay, no, it does not. It says, ‘Those who dance with dishonesty…’ Dishonesty? I don't dance with dishonesty. Okay, let’s just back up, okay? So, tell me about this dance-off again. Okay, no, no, no, I did not change…I did not put pebbles in anybody’s shoes, if that’s what you’re asking. Oh, pebbles in the shoes, eh? What, are you…do you have the Orb of Hydrogenes? Oh no, that’s Magnus. Yo, Alba, this is Magnus; should we use the Orb of Hydrogenes? Yeah, please hand it over. Okay, this…here’s the orb. It’s shimmering and making one of those shimmering sounds close to the helmet. Oh boy, this is Magnus; that is one unlucky helmet. It must be luck minus…I don't even know, minus…it’s a debuffer.
Right, and…yeah, that’s…they put a magic rune on your forehead. Then the other rune is the same spot as your rashy-poo. Wait a second, they put something on my forehead for dancing? Wait a second, I cannot believe this. Well, don't worry about it. We can fix things. Holly, could you come in here? No, no, no, please…I put my helmet on. I don't want anybody else to see my rashy-poo. Oh, hey, it’s Holly here; hey, Alba. Hey, Mister Knight. I’m not a mister. This is Sir Galitas or something. This is our resident herbalist, Holly. The sooner you get that helmet off, the sooner we can fix your rashy-poo. Holy moly, rashy-poo? What’s up with the forehead? Oh, my goodness, this is embarrassing. This is not what a knight should be. Wait a second, this is Holly; did you cheat on a dance-off with dwarves?
Yeah, this is Magnus; Holly, how’d you know? He totally did. No, no, no, this is Galitas; I did not. I do not appreciate this. Hey, this is Alba; so, this looks like a simple spectral concentrator. Holly, you got anything that will reverse that? Oh, I do. A solution of penross, blue chickweed, and some revolting violet. That’ll clear it up in a day or two. Okay, see to it, please. You got it, Alba. I’m gonna head to the pantry. Okay, this is Galitas; will this prevent the never-gonna-dance-again part, too? Never…this is Alba; what do you mean, never gonna dance again? Well, if…I think one…the dwarves may have been singing, ‘Guilty feet got no rhythm. Never gonna dance again, those who cheat at dance.’ Does this mean I’m never gonna dance again?
I don't think so, but you might want to go back and apologize and ask the dwarves nicely. Yes, I will, Madam Salix. Okay, can you go sit outside? Holly will bring you your tinctures. Yes, Madam Salix. I leave my helmet and I depart. Whew, good work. Yeah, this is Magnus; you know it. So, how about it? Can you teach me some more magic? Have you gotten all those bile sample tested? Totally. I’m totally done…well, part…almost somewhat partially done. I’m gonna start on that today. Okay, yeah, please get started on that. I have to head off to the palace, and we’ll talk when I get back. Yes, we will. Now I will shut the door, and music will transition to the throne room later that morning. Okay, I’ve got my bag here.
Let me just see what I have in here, like tonic of revivium sap, truncheon berry…if you have one mouthful just before bedtime, it should bring on a good night's sleep with pleasant dreams. Could I…? Let me dis-cork that, Alba. This is Parabel; let me take…oh boy, that does not sound good. Well, it’s…you could take this tonic or you could not get some sleepy-poo. Which would you choose? Oh, I cannot drink this. Well, this is Gunther; I don't know, it sounds delicious. Yeah, Gunther, this is Parabel; but I have a delicate sense. Okay, well, this is Alba; I could just leave it here. If you change your mind, you could have it. Okay, Gunther here; if it’s all settled, Alba, we’d like to have you join us for lunch, if you would. Yeah, sure, love…it’s not gonna be a long lunch, is it? Come along. It should be waiting for us.
We’ll head out this corridor. What’s the occasion, Gunther? Well, I’m sure you’ve been wondering what’s been going on, who’s gonna become…head the Office of Sorcery General now that our sorceror general has plotted against you and your niece and fled the kingdom. This is Parabel; he acted alone, I understand. Well, yes, this is Gunther; but considering that little incident, we’ve consulted with the mage’s guild and we’ve decided to reorganize the OSG under non-wizardly oversight. Oh, really? This is Alba; that’s great. So, who’s gonna lead it up? Well, let me just open this door here, follow you and Parabel into this reception room, and there’s a woman waiting here for us. I’m glad you asked, Alba. Here she is. Good morning. Your Majesties. Oh, this is Parabel; hello, minister.
Alba, Gunther here; may I present Antolia Paracie, late of the Ministry of Transportation. Miss Paracie, this is Alba Salix, our Royal Physician. This is Alba; it’s nice to meet you. Oh, thank you, Alba. This is…it’s nice to meet you, as well. I’ve heard so many good things. This is Gunther speaking, though; Miss Paracie is gonna bring her administrative talents to bear, overseeing an all-new department known as the Ministry of Magical Affairs and Health. Well, this is Alba; I think it’s gonna be…wait, did you just…I thought that was gonna be great…did you say health? Yeah, since so much of your practice is dealing with magical things, we thought it might fit like a proverbial glove. Well, yeah, I use magic, but Miss Paracie, I thought you were gonna be taking over the Office of Planning.
Well, that was the original idea, but His Majesty has taken such a keen interest in the kingdom’s architecture…Gunther, this is Alba; you’re gonna head the planning office? Yes, I am. It turns out I have a talent for planning. It came as quite a surprise to me, too. Yeah, this is Paracie; it came as quite a surprise to me, too. Yes, I’ve been overseeing some new projects this week. They’re designing a public square in front of the Mysticorp headquarters. Take a look at this. Wait, is that a dragon…a pair of dragon fountain? Yeah, it is. It’s my fountain. I designed it. Well, my idea. Wait, so that’s water that’s coming out of their mouths, but they’re bent…hunched over like they have tummy-tum-tums. Oh yeah, their water…they’re spouting water. Spouting? Okay. There’ll be lights, too, magically-powered lights. It’s so exciting.
Okay, that’s fine, Your Majesty, but…this is all fine as long as you leave my garden alone and not…remember…can you leave my garden out of this? Oh, this is Parabel; you and your garden again. One little decree and I never hear the end of it. Oh, okay, everyone, this is Gunther; here comes our lunch. This is Parabel; what is this? I specifically said no cucumber. Oh, this is…Your Majesty, I’m sorry. This is loathsome. I loathe cucumber. Please take it away. This is Gunther; I’ll have your cucumber, Parabel. Would you rather…or, what would you rather have? Some anchovies and pickled plums, please. Right away, Your Majesty. I’ll hurry off. Good heavens. I just want to eat something…I like the taste of anchovies. Well, this is Alba; you have such delicate senses, do you? I think I’ll go in the kitchen and check on the anchovies.
Parabel? Okay, anyway…oh, so where was I? This is Alba; so, you were saying you’re gonna be in charge of planning for the kingdom? Miss Paracie? Yes…well, I was just wondering, do you have any experience in overseeing magic or health? Our roads are used by many magical vehicles. Okay, that’s a ‘no’, then. This is Gunther; Farlorian roads and ports are among the finest on the continent. Okay, yeah, but except where you had those dragon boats and swan boats running next to each other. That was my idea. Okay, anyway, so, what is your new plan for this ministry? In a word, standardization. Okay, in more words? Well, we’re gonna want to replicate your success with the House of Healing and expand it.
This is Gunther; I mean, Alba, you’ve been arguing for months that we should better serve our remote regions. Well, yeah, think of the Pointy Lands. We’ve got a whole new province to see. They’ve got one woman in a candy cottage; kids keep coming and taking parts of it. Exactly, Alba. So, we need to develop a blueprint for service delivery. Yes, a blueprint, yes, yes. We’re gonna systematize the way you run the House of Healing, examine what you do, create a manual of best practices. Everything will be measured and tracked down to the last potion and procedure. Everything in one manual? I believe that’s what I said, Alba. I mean, we’re good at what we do, but every case is different.
Every person, every issue…but yeah, it’s the delivery that stays the same, which is why we’re gonna proceed with implementing the EIIRP-9 standard across all our facilities. This is Alba; are you? Yes, we are, and that ‘we’ includes you and everyone else at the House of Healing. Lucky us. Very sensible indeed. What is it? EI…ERIIRP. It’s Everything In Its Right Place Level 9, the same standard I implemented at the Ministry of Transportation. We’re gonna outline our desired outcomes, processes, and decision-making approach. Okay, well, that sounds terribly worthwhile. I should be getting along. I gotta get to the mint to approve my portrait for next year’s coins. Miss Salix, I would love to come by your office and pay you a visit. How does this afternoon sound? That should be no problem at all.
Yes, this is Gunther; I love it when my staff gets along. Then a musical interlude as we head back to the House of Healing. Alba arrives in a flurry. This is Holly; Alba, what’s…what are you worried about? I love being organized. The new minister’s revamping everything; new procedures, new rules. Yeah, this is Magnus; I always said what we need here is more rules. Well, you got them. Let me show you all these books. Whoa, that’s a lot of…yay for books! I love books. Those are just the index. The minister’s on her way here now, and I saw her assistants loading a wheelbarrow. Okay, so these are the books on how to do our job? No, no, no, these are the books on how to decide to do our jobs. So, we get to decide at least, right? No, no, no, Minister Paracie gets to decide.
Oh man, we’re gonna probably have to change everything just when we were starting to find our rhythm. This is Magnus; why don’t you just pull rank and say, my sister’s the Queen, so there? We’re gonna give you a loppity, loppity, lop. Magnus, I’d appreciate it if you don’t mention any lopping in front of the minister, and could we get things cleaned up in here? What are these vials doing in the reception desk? Oh, those are the bile samples I’ve been looking at. Look, check out these results right here. I got a thick folder full of bile results. Wow, that’s a whole pile of vial trial files. Right? See that? I rhymed. Aren’t you proud of me? Yeah, that’s great, both of you. Magnus, can you go in the laboratory and do some laboratory work or something and keep it in the laboratory?
Yeah, well, today it didn’t smell so great in there, so I didn’t really like working in there. It’s just seaweed; this is Holly. Oh, sure. Yeah, I guess I’ll just work with the seaweed, then. I’m working on a remedy for milk maid’s knee. Or, it will be a remedy. I’m just…almost got the formula down. Have you tried burning the seaweed? Okay, listen, this is Alba; take all these files. Please put them away in the lab. Holy cow, somebody’s stressed. I said, please do it immediately. Alba…I’m saying that to you. Okay, this is Holly; we’re outta here. Okay, one more thing, though, while you’re gathering those up. Holly, I think we should discuss you working from home, WFH. This is Holly; I like working here. I mean, it’s like…I like having company while I work.
Yeah, that’s fine, but you have stinky seaweed in the lab, and…yeah, sea…how does anyone work under these conditions? Okay, Magnus, that’s…oh boy, there’s Paracie. Oh, my goodness, this is Minister Paracie; what is that smell? Oh, it’s nothing. We’re just violating our own health and safety rules. Holly, Magnus, this is Antolia Paracie, the new Minister of Magical Affairs and Health. Hello, team. Miss Paracie, this is Holly, our herbalist and potions specialist. Hello. This is my apprentice, Magnus. Apprentice in charge. Oh, would you like a cup of tea, Minister Paracie? I would not get any tea from Holly. It’s good to meet all of you. You might be wondering why I’m here today. Are you taking over the kingdom? Magnus. Am I what? I mean, you’re the new sorcerer general, right? In a sense, but there’s no longer a sorcerer general.
Yeah, that old magic-user was trying to take over. I think it’s a wizard thing or something. Okay, I am not a wizard. That’s the point. We’re getting off topic here. As Farloria grows, the demand on the Houses of Healing will become greater. That’ll be more people to help, and you’ll need to expand, bring on more staff, and I know you can all rise to meet these challenges with talent and enthusiasm. This is Holly; yippity-yay! This is Magnus; yay. Alba, I don't know what you were complaining about about her. This is gonna be great. I’m sorry, is there a issue, Miss Salix? Oh, I thought my staff might have some concerns. No concerns from me, Holly. Listen, this is Minister Paracie; change is always hard and there’s definitely changes ahead; normalizing procedures, staff training, labor standards.
This is Magnus; standards for labor? Yeah, that’s right. Would it mean, for instance, I would get to sleep indoors? This is Alba; the tool shed is indoors. Well, maybe according to the letter of the law. Okay, this is something we could address when we do our assessments of working conditions, but that’s not ‘til Stage 2. Well, I’d like to start assessing right away, if that’s possible. Magnus, she said Stage 2. We have to do these things in proper order. This is Holly; what’s Stage 1? Oh, thank you, Holly. Stage 1 is what we call user needs assessment. We’ll discover who’s visiting the Houses of Healing. This is Alba; that would be everybody in the entire city.
Okay, and then what services they require, what do you require to deliver those services…Stage 2 is about your experience here to date, the working conditions, your opinions, your feelings. Oh, feelings, this is great. I love it already. Thanks, Miss Paracie. That’s…okay, thank you. The way Alba was talking, I thought this was gonna be nothing but paperwork. No, no, no, it’s mostly about listening. Just as an example, I’d like to get each…from each of you a couple of words that you think describe the House of Healing. Oh, well, this is Holly; today I’m feeling pride because we helped eight people today including a knight that had lost…won a dance-off but lost it anyway. There was a couple that had partially become toads. That was a tricky one but we did it, 'cause the team that heals together stays together.
Okay, so, pride. That’s a good one. Any others? Magnus? Okay, let me see…oh, this is Holly; I thought of another one. Satisfaction. Last week I relabeled every bottle, box, pouch, and canister in the pantry. See? They all have their names and catalog number here. I mean, I…did you see the decorations on the labels? Wow, very, very thorough. Does that say ‘sockweed’ or ‘storkwort’? It’s goblin grass. That’s a G? You’ll get the hang of Holly’s handwriting after a few months. Yeah, this is Magnus; speak for yourself. That’s organized with…oh, HIJKO…Holly, the second letter of…oh, Holly is O for ‘organized’. I’m sorry, I beg your pardon? Oh, well, when I first started working here, I owed Alba many, many good deeds, and it always felt like I could never catch up.
Now I finally feel like I’m top of everything and I know where everything is. Well, that’ll certainly come in useful as we implement the new cataloging system. I’m sorry, new cataloging system? Oh yeah, when we’re finished, we’ll have a searchable inventory of all the assets at the House of Healing. Why don’t you have a look through your manual if you want to read ahead? Let me put this very heavy book down here. Oh, this is everything in its right place. That sounds sensible. This is Magnus; Holly, you’re gonna have to redo everything. Magnus, this is Alba; please. It’s okay. If that’s important to you, Miss Paracie, we can do it. I appreciate it. Thank you, Holly. So, Magnus, what words would you use to describe your workplace experience? Thank you. I would say, gruelling, boring, endless.
Really? Maybe you could expand on those. Okay, intensely gruelling, mind-numbingly boring, endlessly bad. This is Alba; Miss Paracie, I should apologize for my apprentice. Oh, no, no, it’s quite alright. I want our employees to feel free to speak their minds. Alba’s just mad because she won't be able to discipline me anymore. Okay, discipline you? Yeah, I have a disciplinary system. Magnus sometimes needs to be disciplined. He gets a time out. Okay, well, we’re gonna have to look at…we’re gonna have a ministry-approved code of conduct from now on. Yeah, this is Magnus; this one time I dropped a jar and she made me have pepper jelly. No, no, no, that’s not what happened, Magnus. Yeah, she was totally like, here, learn to identify plants by tasting them.
Okay, but now you know what pepper…what peppers make up a good pepper jelly. Okay, we need, again, to establish a standard course of study for House of Healing employees, too. Well, you see, Miss Paracie…Alba speaking here; Magnus isn’t strictly an employee. Oh, really, he’s not an employee? No, no, Magnus is doing community service here on the orders of His Majesty, three consecutive times. Well, this is Magnus; it was not a big deal. I just knocked over a tent. Yeah, a tent at a big event. Okay, this is Minister Paracie; this is a bit…we can talk about this at Stage 2. This is Magnus; I can't wait ‘til Stage 2. Okay, this is Holly; is there a filing system for baked goods? I’m moving on, please. Miss Salix, how would you describe the House of Healing? This is Alba; it’s a house where we heal people.
Oh, that’s straight to the point. I’m gonna remember that. Stick to our core mission. Okay, so, what’s your mission here today? Well, this was just a get-to-know-you session. Tomorrow’s when we really get started. I’m gonna shadow you all through a regular day to see how things work around here. Great. This is Holly; yay. Now it’s the next morning. Alba’s meeting with someone named Thoraxa, a would-be adventurer wearing a helmet. In the background, a pen is scratching away at high speed. Okay, and what’s going on, Mr. Thoraxa? I’m Thoraxa the Invincible, Defeater of Foes, Bringer of Harmony and Niceness. Okay, and I’m sure you have many legendary exploits, so legend…sorry, who’s this over here? That’s Miss Paracie.
Oh yeah, Miss…I’m Miss Paracie, but just pretend I’m not here. I’m monitoring things at the House of Healing to improve the experience. Okay, this is Thoraxia; so, you’re not officially a healer? Oh, don't worry, this is totally…my lips are sealed. Nothing in these notes will be…this is just a professional visit. Okay, this is Alba; can I help you? What are you here…? Yeah, this is Thoraxa; I’m a little bit embarrassed now. Does this have to do with your helmet? No, no. My helmet? No, no, no. There’s something on my face. Caused by your helmet? This is Minister Paracie; that’s a pretty hasty conclusion, Alba, don’t you think? Excuse me, I thought you weren’t here. Okay, what’s wrong with my helmet? Did you happen to buy it from somebody yesterday, like a knight?
Wait a second, this helm was forged by the dwarves of Laggity Blaggity. Did you get it from a bold knight with a smile with a name like Galitas? No, I did not. Miss Salix, we’re diverging from our client intake protocol. Yes we are, because I’ve seen this helmet before. Mr. Thoraxa, could you take it off, please? Well, does she really have to be here writing down everything? I guess she does. These are just notes on how our staff performs. Okay, that’s fine. I’m Thoraxa; that’s fine. Okay, yeah, I can see the blight you’re referring to. It’s a unlucky blight, I’m afraid. An unlucky blight? Wait, what do you mean, Alba, unlucky blight? It’s an unlucky blight. I don't know what else…it’s caused by a spectral concentrator. Aren't you gonna run any tests first?
Okay, listen, we saw a patient yesterday who was dishonest on a dance-off with dwarves. They gave him this helmet and it seems to have made its way to Mr. Thoraxa here and affected him in exactly the same way. Well, I would have thought you would have checked his sensitivity to metal or something else. Okay, look, I’ll show you. Magnus, can you come in here? No, no, do not put the helmet back on. Hey, this is Magnus; what’s up? Oh, look, another knight with a helmet and a rash. Orb of Hydrogenes, please. Oof, I do not have it right here. Well, that’s convenient, but you never forget a helmet like that one. Thanks. Oh, here it is. I forgot, I did have the Org of Hydrogenes on me. It’s shimmering. That’s a unlucky helmet. Yeah, who would have thought? Holly, could you come in here?
Miss Salix, I don't believe Magnus is certified to operate orbs. What do you mean, not certified to operate orbs? I do it all the time. This is Thoraxa; are you saying this gentleman’s not certified to operate orbs? Yeah, all ministry personnel who operate orbs have to go one-day orb training unless they’ve graduated from the School of Approved Magic. Wait a second, this is Magnus; so, if I take the training, can I use any orbs, like all orbs? No, Magnus. This is Alba; you cannot. No, this is Minister…only basic orbs. Oh, man. Okay, Magnus, could you go find Holly, please? Sure. Wait a second, this is Thoraxa; so, he’s not supposed to be using that orb? Holy mackerel, this is Alba; the orb is just the diagnostic tool. It’s just like a compass or something. Okay, thank you for reminding me.
There’s gonna be another separate training course for that. Let me write that down. Hey everybody, it’s me, Holly; what’s up, Alba? The unlucky helmet has struck again. I heard. Lucky you made too much of that salve yesterday. Excuse me, this is Minister Paracie; what salve are you referring to? Oh, Pernoff’s chickweed and revolting violet. I came up with it myself. Oh, so this wasn’t a previously-documented remedy? No, no, no, the violet, it cancels out residual energy from the unluckiness, and then…this is Minister Paracie; has it been…does a giant corporation make this? No, no, no. I make it, and I make it and I test it out myself. We gave it to Sir Galitas yesterday. And you’ve booked up follow-up appointments? This is Alba; I don't think he’ll be back this way anytime soon. Miss Salix, this is not acceptable.
This is Holly; it’s totally…this is totally normal. I don't know what you’re…this is Thoraxa; maybe I should get outta…no, no, no, this is Alba; sit down, please. Okay, this is Minister Paracie; exactly under what conditions is this solution stored? Oh, this is Holly; it’s in a bowl. It’s great. You want me to see…you want me to test it out on him right now? You could watch. I could even put some on me. Look at that. Holly…no, no, it’s fine, fine. That’s how you know it’s working. Here, Mr. Thoraxia, you just close…hold still. Close your eyes. I’m not on board with this. No thank you. No, no, totally…watch, Miss Paracie. You’ll see. Just don’t move. No squirming. Okay, this is Alba; Holly, put the salve down. Sorry about this, Mr. Thoraxa.
Holly, Holly, that is not an approved solution. This is Minister Paracie. Everyone take a break. Miss Salix, please stop the salving. Oh, this is tickling me; this is Thoraxa. I’d prefer not to. Then we cut to later in the day in the office. A tense silence is in the room. Minister Paracie sighs. My goodness, I must say…I’m so sorry, Miss Paracie. It was my fault. Holly, it’s Alba; it’s fine. No, it is not fine, Miss Salix. In a single morning, you and your team have used an orb without training, made fanciful conclusions without any diagnostic questionnaires, used an untested, improperly-stored remedy on…and it caused tickling. Tickling…this is Magnus; tickling. I believe that a staff member did put ads…tickling solution to it as a prank. Okay, this is Magnus; I thought Holly was only gonna use it on herself. Like, sometimes she makes extra salve.
Magnus, I can't believe you put tickling solution in there. I mean, I was trying to teach her a lesson about not…she didn’t have permission to use extra…she makes extra salve for herself. I’m helping improve our team compliance. This is Minister Paracie; you could just be quiet, Magnus. You’re already in over your head. Okay, this is Alba; thank you, minister. Are we finished? No, we’re not finished at all. I’m gonna recommend to His Majesty that you, Miss Salix, attend a six-week course in standard ministry protocol and procedure. Oh, my goodness. And that your two assistants be let go, effective immediately. Let go? This is Holly…oh wait, this is Magnus; this sounds great. Alba…this is Alba; Magnus, if you get let go from this job, you will go from community service to living under the palace.
Yeah, well, I should get time off for that. I mean, I’ve worked here for a while. Okay, well, you could discuss it with the King, Magnus. Oh, no, Miss Paracie, this is Holly; I promise on our honor. Okay, this is Minister Paracie; I’ve had enough of all of you. No, this is Alba; no. I’m sorry, this is Minister Paracie; excuse me? Listen up, Paracie. This is my team. It might not be your vision of perfect, efficient department. They don’t live up to my vision of a barnyard. Okay, well, that’s too bad because what they don’t have is a well-meaning beaurocrat. What they don’t need is a well-meaning beaurocrat second-guessing their every move. They do their best, and their best is pretty good. I take full responsibility for the tickling. You’re right, I should have known that…I should have double-checked things.
Maybe we shouldn’t have rushed through the diagnostic, but I just wanted to get your observation over with, and of course, I wanted to look a little bit impressive. That was pretty cool. I knew what was going on right away. But we’re here to help people, not just show off and look good. Well, Alba, I always like to look good. Okay, be quiet, Magnus. We’ll implement these new ministry guidelines, but let’s get one thing straight. This is my House of Healing. Barnyard or not, I run it as I see fit. Okay, well, let me be clear. You’re part of my ministry now, and I expect your House of Healing and all of your staff to meet or exceed our standards. You have a week to produce an action plan and we’ll reassess then. Okay, thank you, minister. Magic-users, healers…I’m outta here. Wow, Alba, that was impressive.
Yeah, Alba, that was great. You totally could have…you should have said we’re gonna…you should have used ‘lopping’, though. Okay, well…yay; this is Holly. We’re still a team. Yeah, a team with twenty-one volumes of guidelines to read. We can do this. Let’s show Miss Paracie how good we really are. Please don’t say that. Alba; I’ll figure this out. The episode closes and comes to an end. Hope you enjoyed this episode of Alba Salix. But after a moment, the Axe and Crown Pub…Thoraxa comes in and says, anybody want to buy a helmet? Gubbin says, hey, yeah, sell your trinkets somewhere else and let my patrons drink in peace. Goodnight, everybody. Yeah, by the way, Parabel, if you need me to come by and be your sleep jester, I’m happy to do it. Goodnight.
[END OF RECORDING]
(Transcription performed by LeahTranscribes)
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Alba Salix
Leisure
https://lady.co.uk/history-leisure-wear
https://jjheritage.com/kit-a-brief-history-of-how-athletic-clothing-became-leisurewear/
World Leaders and Architecture
https://slate.com/business/2020/02/trump-classical-architecture-executive-order.html
https://commonedge.org/the-uneven-but-important-legacy-of-prince-charles-architecture-critic/
Bureaucracy
https://www.nationalaffairs.com/public_interest/detail/the-rise-of-the-bureaucratic-state
https://opened.cuny.edu/courseware/lesson/290/student/?section=4
History of Runes
https://www.visconti.it/en/magazine/writing/futhark-the-history-of-the-worlds-oldest-alphabet/
https://norse-mythology.org/runes/the-origins-of-the-runes/
DOWN TO BUSINESS
Never been appointed by a king or queen
Crossover with Alba Salix
Deep Dark Night United
n/a
PLUGS
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SPONSORS
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INTRO
Thoughts: There’s a lot of them for me
My brain can line up thoughts consecutively for me
It’s like I’m thinking about 2 things at the same time
Everyone relates to the idea that no one else relates to how you feel
Someone out there does relate, really
A Strong Silent Community behind this show
How come I haven’t been appointed by a king or queen?
Why isn’t Sleep Jester an official court position?
I’d prefer to not be involved in any proclamations
Am I your liege?
The Leisurely Liege of Leisure
This sounds like a commercial for International Delights Coffee
Powdered Fancy Coffee
I aspired to buy this fancy coffee when I was a child
I’m just a little flavoring
I don’t need a lot of flavor in my sleep podcast
I messed up my little borebud speech
The personal help of a wind down routine
I can’t fly to Malta, I’ll be in Monaco
No one can afford my fee (aka willing to pay it)
I’m still holding out for a billionaire who wants me to personally lull them to sleep
A new character will be showing up this season
STORY
Season 2 of Alba Salix
Music in a palace courtyard
Intriguing music
Emperor Rockhard speaks to the people of Farloria
Farloria joins the empire of Balgomar
Precious, Precious Minerals
Prince Bulwark and Princess Mimsy will rule this tiny little kingdom
Some very sweet giggly cooing
Mimsy and Bully speak to the new subjects
Welcome to our new uninvited guests
Parabelle is not happy with this
Is this a usurpation?
Gunter doesn’t want this unpleasantness
Mimsy, how could you do this to your uncle?
The line of succession is unclear
I can say defenestration because it’s so unknown
An apple rotten to the core
Off to the Big Farm
Mimsy is rotten
Cut to the palace bedchambers
It was just Parabel’s bad dream
We need a sleep jester to help with Parabel’s bad sleep
Maybe Alba can help with this bad sleep
In a Checking Up On You Room
Alba checks in with Gillias Lightwind the Pure
Gillias has a long title
He has a bit of a rashy poo on his facey poo
Maybe this happened when he encountered the manticore of the wastes
It foul breathed on his shinny shin shin
He’s wearing his helmet too much
Testing the helmet
Wow, what a cool helm
There’s dwarven runes in this helm
A rune for distasteful dancers
Dancing With Dishonesty
The old pebbles in the shoes move
What about the Orb of Hydgrogenes
One Unlucky Helmet
This knight is embarrassed by this rash
Even Holly knows about him cheating on this dance-off with the dwarves
Holly knows a cure
Guilty Feet Got No Rhythm
Will Gallias ever dance again? If he apologizes
We’ll work on more magic later
Back to the throne room
Alba gives medicine to Parabel
They want Alba to join them for lunch
What’s been going on since our Sorcerer General fled?
Consulting with the Mages Guild
A new minister
Antalia Parasee
The Ministry of Magical Affairs and Health
Wait, she’s Alba’s health?
Gunther is taking over the department of planning
This crazy dragon fountain Gunther designed
Parabel loathes cucumber
She wants anchovies and pickled plums
Does Ms. Parasee have any experience overseeing magic?
Standardization
Replicating and Expanding the House of Healing
The better to serve the far corners of the kingdom
A Manual of Best Practices
EIIRP-9 Standard
Gunter has to go visit the mint to inspect the coins
Ms. Parasee will go meet Alba
Alba comes back and is upset
Books on how to decide to do your jobs
A Whole Pile of Vial Trial Files
The lab smells funny
A remedy for Milkmaid’s Knee
Maybe Holly should work from home
Parasee is bothered by that seaweed smell
The team meets Parasee
Magnus wants to know if she’s gonna take over the kingdom, too
Magnus is intrigued by standards for labor
The Stages of Standardization
It’s mostly about listening. And then paperwork.
How do they feel about the Houses of Healing?
Holly’s handwriting is kind of indecipherable
Holly is organized, in her own way
A new cataloging system??
Holly loves her work
Magnus hates his job
Ministry Approved Code of Conduct
Alba’s punishments for Magnus will have to be reined in
A standard course of study
Magnus is doing community service
Antalia will be shadowing and observing
The next morning
Alba is meeting with someone named Thorax
Parisee is observing
Thoraxa the Indefensible
Pretend Ms. Parisee isn’t here
No one will see these notes
Thoraxa is a little embarrassed
He has something on his face, too
Did he get this helmet from Gallias?
Parissee doesn’t believe their rash / helmet theory
Magnus confirms it’s the same helmet
The Orb of Hydrogenes confirms it
Magnus isn’t certified to operate orbs
One Day Orb Training
Thoraxa is spooked
Parissee doesn’t like her homemade tinctures
How are these tinctures stored?
These are not approved solutions
Parisee is very upset about all this
Magnus tried to trick Alba into using tickling solution, but it ended up on Thoraxa
Parissee recommends that Alba take a 6-week course and that she let go Magnus and Holly
Alba apologize to Parisee
Alba puts her foot down
Parissee says the House of Healing must meet her standards
She has one week to improve
They have to read 21 volumes of guidelines…as a team!
Thorax tries to sell the helmet at the pub, but it doesn’t work
I’m still happy to be Parabel’s sleep jester if she needs help
SWM+ THANKS
Letita, Rudy, Tamar, Brandy, Michael, Fawn, David, Jenna, David, Nicholas, Tasha, Candice
SUMMARY:
Episode: 1279
Title: By The Book | Alba Salix S2E1
Deep Dark Night United: n/a
Plugs: Alba Salix; Sleep With Me Plus; SleepPhones; Rusty Biscuit Links; Emily Tat Artwork; NAPAWF; Anti-Racism Resources; Ukraine Relief; Crisis Textline
Sponsors: Claritin; Helix Sleep; Odoo; Air Doctor Pro; Zocdoc; Progressive; Lumen; Netflix Junior
SWM+ Thanks: Letita, Rudy, Tamar, Brandy, Michael, Fawn, David, Jenna, David, Nicholas, Tasha, Candice
Notable Language:
- Strong Silent Community
- The Leisurely Liege of Leisure
- Powdered Fancy Coffee
- Defenestration
- Gillias Lightwind the Pure
- Shinny Shin Shin
- A rune for distasteful dancers
- Dancing With Dishonesty
- Orb of Hydgrogenes
- Standardization
- EIIRP-9 Standard
- A Whole Pile of Vial Trial Files
- Milkmaid’s Knee
- One Day Orb Training
Notable Culture:
- Alba Salix
- International Delights Coffee
- “Shake It Off”
Notable Talking Points:
- Thoughts: There’s a lot of them for me
- My brain can line up thoughts consecutively for me
- It’s like I’m thinking about 2 things at the same time
- Everyone relates to the idea that no one else relates to how you feel
- Someone out there does relate, really
- A Strong Silent Community behind this show
- How come I haven’t been appointed by a king or queen?
- Why isn’t Sleep Jester an official court position?
- I’d prefer to not be involved in any proclamations
- Am I your liege?
- The Leisurely Liege of Leisure
- This sounds like a commercial for International Delights Coffee
- Powdered Fancy Coffee
- I aspired to buy this fancy coffee when I was a child
- I’m just a little flavoring
- I don’t need a lot of flavor in my sleep podcast
- I messed up my little borebud speech
- The personal help of a wind down routine
- I can’t fly to Malta, I’ll be in Monaco
- No one can afford my fee (aka willing to pay it)
- I’m still holding out for a billionaire who wants me to personally lull them to sleep
- A new character will be showing up this season
- Season 2 of Alba Salix
- Music in a palace courtyard
- Intriguing music
- Emperor Rockhard speaks to the people of Farloria
- Farloria joins the empire of Balgomar
- Precious, Precious Minerals
- Prince Bulwark and Princess Mimsy will rule this tiny little kingdom
- Some very sweet giggly cooing
- Mimsy and Bully speak to the new subjects
- Welcome to our new uninvited guests
- Parabelle is not happy with this
- Is this a usurpation?
- Gunter doesn’t want this unpleasantness
- Mimsy, how could you do this to your uncle?
- The line of succession is unclear
- I can say defenestration because it’s so unknown
- An apple rotten to the core
- Off to the Big Farm
- Mimsy is rotten
- Cut to the palace bedchambers
- It was just Parabel’s bad dream
- We need a sleep jester to help with Parabel’s bad sleep
- Maybe Alba can help with this bad sleep
- In a Checking Up On You Room
- Alba checks in with Gillias Lightwind the Pure
- Gillias has a long title
- He has a bit of a rashy poo on his facey poo
- Maybe this happened when he encountered the manticore of the wastes
- It foul breathed on his shinny shin shin
- He’s wearing his helmet too much
- Testing the helmet
- Wow, what a cool helm
- There’s dwarven runes in this helm
- A rune for distasteful dancers
- Dancing With Dishonesty
- The old pebbles in the shoes move
- What about the Orb of Hydgrogenes
- One Unlucky Helmet
- This knight is embarrassed by this rash
- Even Holly knows about him cheating on this dance-off with the dwarves
- Holly knows a cure
- Guilty Feet Got No Rhythm
- Will Gallias ever dance again? If he apologizes
- We’ll work on more magic later
- Back to the throne room
- Alba gives medicine to Parabel
- They want Alba to join them for lunch
- What’s been going on since our Sorcerer General fled?
- Consulting with the Mages Guild
- A new minister
- Antalia Parasee
- The Ministry of Magical Affairs and Health
- Wait, she’s Alba’s health?
- Gunther is taking over the department of planning
- This crazy dragon fountain Gunther designed
- Parabel loathes cucumber
- She wants anchovies and pickled plums
- Does Ms. Parasee have any experience overseeing magic?
- Standardization
- Replicating and Expanding the House of Healing
- The better to serve the far corners of the kingdom
- A Manual of Best Practices
- EIIRP-9 Standard
- Gunter has to go visit the mint to inspect the coins
- Ms. Parasee will go meet Alba
- Alba comes back and is upset
- Books on how to decide to do your jobs
- A Whole Pile of Vial Trial Files
- The lab smells funny
- A remedy for Milkmaid’s Knee
- Maybe Holly should work from home
- Parasee is bothered by that seaweed smell
- The team meets Parasee
- Magnus wants to know if she’s gonna take over the kingdom, too
- Magnus is intrigued by standards for labor
- The Stages of Standardization
- It’s mostly about listening. And then paperwork.
- How do they feel about the Houses of Healing?
- Holly’s handwriting is kind of indecipherable
- Holly is organized, in her own way
- A new cataloging system??
- Holly loves her work
- Magnus hates his job
- Ministry Approved Code of Conduct
- Alba’s punishments for Magnus will have to be reined in
- A standard course of study
- Magnus is doing community service
- Antalia will be shadowing and observing
- The next morning
- Alba is meeting with someone named Thorax
- Parisee is observing
- Thoraxa the Indefensible
- Pretend Ms. Parisee isn’t here
- No one will see these notes
- Thoraxa is a little embarrassed
- He has something on his face, too
- Did he get this helmet from Gallias?
- Parissee doesn’t believe their rash / helmet theory
- Magnus confirms it’s the same helmet
- The Orb of Hydrogenes confirms it
- Magnus isn’t certified to operate orbs
- One Day Orb Training
- Thoraxa is spooked
- Parissee doesn’t like her homemade tinctures
- How are these tinctures stored?
- These are not approved solutions
- Parisee is very upset about all this
- Magnus tried to trick Alba into using tickling solution, but it ended up on Thoraxa
- Parissee recommends that Alba take a 6-week course and that she let go Magnus and Holly
- Alba apologize to Parisee
- Alba puts her foot down
- Parissee says the House of Healing must meet her standards
- She has one week to improve
- They have to read 21 volumes of guidelines…as a team!
- Thorax tries to sell the helmet at the pub, but it doesn’t work
- I’m still happy to be Parabel’s sleep jester if she needs help
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