1259 – Fairy Cake Woods | Alba Salix S1E3

Episode 1259 – Fairy Cake Woods | Alba Salix S1E3

 

[START OF RECORDING]

 

SCOOTER: Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s time for the podcaster who’s coming in to…I’m not actually coming in. Believe it or not, that’s just a phrase. I’m at a distance, as…I never…I’ve talked a lot about positive things about Bette Midler before, but I’m pretty sure she said ‘from a distance, there’s harmony.’ I say, as an introvert, I can strongly agree with those terms, and from a distance at Sleep With Me, there’s lulling, soothing…you say, keep your…I’m listening to your lulling, soothing tones at a distance. From a distance, you’re sleepy. So, this is a podcast you could listen to, and actually, believe it or not, a lot of people do. This is one of the few podcasts people do listen to at a distance.

 

Some people have their…some speaker or their phone’s on speaker across the room, a pillow speaker, headphones. However you listen, Sleep With Me is a podcast that’s here to take your mind off of stuff and keep you company so you could fall asleep, to be your friend in the deep, dark night. You know, I’m a FOBM, man; friend…I’m not actually a friend…a friend…pseudo…P…is ‘pseudo-friendship’ one word or two? I think it’s one word, but it doesn't make…it makes even less sense. PFOBM; pseudo-friend Bette Midler here, checking in. Actually, believe it or not, I don't even…I’m just a fan of Bette Midler. I guess I’m not a pseudo…if Bette Midler had a podcast, which she may have and I’m unaware of it, then I could enter into the arena of pseudo-friendship.

 

But it couldn't…if I was gonna title a Bette Midler show, I’d…talking about how wonderful I am, but I’m sure Bette would not be into that. But that’s…These Are A Few of the Wonderful Things About Bette Midler. That could be another title for the show, but probably…then you couldn't get Bette on the show. Anyway, I’m glad you’re here. This podcast is a bit different. I think you’ve already noticed that, but it’s one you could look at at a distance and say, huh, is there harmony in there? Sounds more…lulling, soothing, dissonant tones, but I might check it out. Then you’re in the right place. If you think…some people love this podcast right away, but most people don’t. Most people say, huh, I might check…I guess I could check it out. I mean, I’m trying to fall asleep, so I got nothing…right now, you’re my best option.

 

I say, oh boy, are we gonna get along good. So, I’m glad you’re here. Just see how it goes. What we got coming up is support. A lot of people really love this ad-supported, free podcast. If you don’t, there’s ways to get around it. But then there’s a long, meandering intro after the support, separate from the support. That is made to ease you into bedtime and where…just like…this is supposed to be the beginning of the show. It literally should last thirty seconds. Nowadays it takes me two to five minutes. So, the intro is even less efficient than that where I explain what the podcast is, but it’s while you’re easing you into bedtime. So is this part, really. This is a little pre-ease, you know? We’re warming up. Warming Up With Bette; that could be…I don't think that could be a successful podcast.

 

It could be a audiobook series for musicians or people that need warm-ups. Maybe…hey, Apple Fitness, I know this is a very unlikely idea, but how about a warm-up series with Bette Midler talking? Warming Up With Bette. Warm It Up, Bette; that even fits with the Chris Cross song. Then she could say…that could be the beginning of the theme song, and then she could say, I’m about to. I’m about to warm up you. Anyway, this show is really about cooling you down, 'cause some people…I can feel you warming up. So, that’s why I created sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou. But I’m glad you’re here. Just see how it goes. Later on we’ll have a bedtime story. Tonight it’ll be our crossover series, ongoing, episodically modular crossover series with Alba Salix. So, I’m glad you’re here, and thanks for making it possible, my bore-friends.

 

INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake. It could be thoughts that are on your mind, thoughts about the past, the present, the future, thought…things you’re thinking about. You might be in the middle of wa-wa-wondering why and how soon it’ll be ‘til Scoots…Why Bette Midler Went Away; that could be a speculative show.

 

You’d say, today…we don’t have Bette today on Warming Up With Bette Midler, so you might be wondering why Bette Midler went away, but she’ll be back; don't worry…hopefully. But also, this is all imaginary. So…oh, what was I saying? Oh, it could be thoughts, could be feelings, anything emotionally coming up for you related…sometimes it’s related to me, but a lot of times it might be about the…what happened today, it could be just feelings that are there, the old mysterious feelings. I mean, they’re not mysterious. They make a mysterious appearance, though. I mean, I guess they’re mysterious. For me, I’m like, why…? This happens a lot, just full disclosure, but asking myself, why am I so grouchy? I don't know if anybody could relate to that.

 

That’s usually during the day, and sometimes I could tie it back to sleep. So, it could be feelings, it could be physical sensations, changes in time, temperature, routine, work schedule, travel, guests, you could be anticipating something, going through something. Maybe you just got something temporary going on. Whatever it is, the reason I list some of that stuff is so you know you’re not alone. I know if you’re like me, you say, hold on, hold on, you don’t know me at all. I say, you’re right, I don’t. That’s the truth. I just know how it feels for me in the deep, dark night, and I don't know if some of those feelings we share. Maybe we don’t, but I can tell you this with pretty…I’m pretty certain. I would say ‘utmost certainty’, but I don't want to push it.

 

But the truth of the matter is there’s someone listening right now who can relate to how you feel, and they are sitting up in bed or maybe they’re moving around in bed a little bit. A lot of times, believe it or not, they have a smile on their face because they’re glad you’re here. They know how you feel. They know what it’s like to try to fall asleep. They’ve been through something similar and they hope this show will work for you, and maybe even one day you’ll be that person snuggled in bed, smiling when somebody else comes in, and they say…and the show may not work for you, but give it a few tries. See how it goes. I hope it does.

 

That’s why…because the other side of…not only can most of us maybe relate to how you feel, we want something better for you because we know what it’s like to be frustrated, to have a bedtime you dread, to have bedtime be a rigmarole. Everyone here…well, I’ll just speak for myself. I really think you deserve a bedtime you could feel neutral about or look forward to to get the rest you need and you deserve so your life is more manageable. So, yeah, I hope you get that. What I’m gonna do here is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, and superfluous tangents.

 

That means I’m gonna go off-topic, I’m gonna get mixed up, I’m gonna repeat myself, I’m gonna talk about nothing, won't get to the point, never…Sleep With Me; always never getting started. Always going nowhere is this show. This show is a bit different from…it’s a podcast, but it’s a podcast you kind of just barely listen to. You could listen to it and people do, but you don’t need to listen to it. I’m here to kinda keep you company and take your mind off of stuff, not to put you to sleep. Even though this is a sleep podcast, there’s no pressure to fall asleep with the show. No pressure to listen, no pressure to fall asleep. The shows are over an hour; that’s why they’re over an hour.

 

There’s a reason why there’s 601 shows ready to go in the ad-supported version of the podcast, so you could pick and choose what works for you if you become a regular listener. So, there’s no pressure to fall asleep, 'cause I’m here your bore-friend, your bore-bae, your bore-sib, your bore-bud, your neigh-bore, your bore-bestie, your bore-bor, your bores, your Borbie. I like that, Borbie. I like saying it. I don't know why. Your bore-bruh, your bore-cuz…whatever it is, your BFF forever. Or if your name is Eva or Ava, I’m here to be your best bore-friend for you. Yeah, I guess it totally makes sense. But it could be for Josie, you know. BFFF Fozie for…fe, fi, Fozie, you know? Banana fana fo…BBB for banana…if your name happened to be Banana Bana Fo Fana or whatever…you say, do I…?

 

Is it one word or is that…all your names…? Banana Bana Bo Fana? ‘Cause couldn't I just…? They say, nope. I say, okay, well, I’m your best BFF…however I should say that. I think I just did the best I could there. I forgot what I was talking…oh, you don’t have to listen to me and there’s no pressure to fall asleep. I’m gonna be here to keep you company and take your mind off of stuff. There’s people listening who can't sleep at all. There’s people listening during the day who need a break, but most of the time, most people are just barely paying attention to me, clearly. If you’ve been listening so far, I do not deserve or expect your full attention, and I think that’s what works about the show. But I’ll be…if you need to give me your full attention 'cause you really need a break, I’ll be here, too. I’ll be here to the very end.

 

So, what else do you need to know? A podcast most…oh, most people don’t like the show. Usually I say this earlier. Most people loathe the podcast when they first listen. In fact, even people that really like the podcast loathe it sometimes or loathe me. That’s understandable, right? We’re establishing a relationship, a working friendship, a bore-friendship. You know, it comes with ups and downs. But for most people when they first listen, they were confused, they expected this podcast to be more Zen-like and much…get to the point. They say, why are you rambling? I don't get this. But on the second or third try, they realize, oh yeah, I don't get this show. I don't think…he doesn't…it’s one of those shows you just don’t…you get it when you don’t get it, 'cause it’s always going nowhere. So, just kinda see how it goes.

 

If you already never want to listen again, I totally get it. If you’re frustrated, I totally get that. I would say if you’re frustrated, give it a few tries, 'cause I’ve had loving reviews from people that support the show and have supported it for years and years and years who have said that. But if you can't stand me already, sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou has other sleep podcasts and sleep audio on there you could check out. So, yeah, what else do you need to know? Structure of the show also throws people off. This is just the nature of putting out a podcast that’s ad-supported that you could listen to for free. It is adjustable, but this is just how most people listen, but there’s a lot of ways to adjust.

 

So, at first try the show in the way like it’s laid out, but then you could kinda switch it around as you become a regular listener. So, the show starts off with a greeting; friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, so you feel seen and welcomed in, and you might say, at a distance, I could check this podcast out. Then there’s support from sponsors, and the listeners who support the sponsors, that enables the show to be free for everybody, and that really works for most people. If you prefer a ad-free version, there’s ways to do it through…by paying or getting…or using our referral program, so…but for most people, it works. That’s what works, is they just prefer to listen for free. Then after that, separate from the support again, is a long, meandering intro.

 

Believe it or not, the intro is not designed to put you to sleep. While it may put a small percentage of people to sleep and a small percentage of people skip the intro, most people, the intro eases them into bedtime. So, they listen to the intro while they’re getting ready for bed, doing some sort of wind-down, chill activity, or in bed getting comfortable. But you’re still…maybe you’re perusing something, a book or something, or you’re just getting comfortable, bedding down. Then after the intro is support, and then there’s our bedtime story.

 

Tonight will be a crossover episode with Alba Salix, and don't worry, you could listen to them in any order and you could also listen to the original versions, and we’ll have…all those links will be in the show notes. Then after that is thank-yous and goodnights. So, yeah, I think that’s everything. That’s the structure of the show. That’s why I make the show. I’m really glad you’re here. I work really hard. I yearn and I strive. So do a bunch of other people, 'cause we really hope we can help you fall asleep. So, thanks again for coming by, and here’s a couple ways we’re able to do it for you for free twice a week.

 

Alright everybody, this is Scoots introducing the world of Alba Salix, Season 1, Episode 3, Into the Woeful Woods. After the House of Healing’s herb garden is torn out by workmen bearing royal orders, Alba tries to get to the root of the matter while Holly and Magnus venture into the woods to gather more rare plants. We start in the House of Healing. Magnus here; got L-I-V-E-R W-O-R-T, S-P-L-E-E-N W-O-R-T, B-R-A-I-N, W-O-R…oh, man. What are you whispering, Holly? K-I-T…B…a kind of bean wort. Okay, I was getting to that, Holly. Thank you. I’m just trying to help, Magnus. Okay, K-I-D-N-E-Y W-O-R-T, L-E-F-T P-I-N-K-Y W-O-R-T. Oh, this is Alba; very good, Magnus. Now name three natural things, calming things, that we could use here at the House of Healing.

 

Nodding rose…not nodding rows; a nodding rose, napping violet and, I don't know, something…a furrowed brow. Magnus, this is Alba; I wonder why I even bother with you. Okay, Magnus here; what about snoozeweed? Thank you, Magnus. I suppose this apprenticeship might not be a complete waste. Yeah, but you know what would be really worthwhile, Alba, if you taught me some magic. What was that? There was a clank and a crash outside. This is Holly; Alba, what’s happening to the garden? Wait, wait…yeah, this is Alba; what’s going on out there? They’re ripping out the garden? Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. Do you have a permit? What are you doing with my garden? With that, we go out to the garden. There’s birds, shovels, creaking, construction sounds, but it all stops as Alba runs over. This is Alba Salix.

 

Please stop that this minute, please. Yeah, my name’s Jan. Wait, oh my gosh, you’re her. Just what do you think you’re doing, Jan and…? I’m Douglas. Yeah, this is Jan; nothing, ma’am. And I’m approaching…hello, hello. This is bailiff; excuse me, madam, is there a problem? Yeah, this is Alba, baliff Henry; why are these workers ripping out my garden? Alba, ma’am, they’re enforcing strict rules and regulations. I’m sorry, I beg your pardon. Okay, let me just get this paper out here. A royal decree on the aesthetic character of the royal lands, County Grandville…I’ll take that paper. All buildings within sight of the palace must be painted in selected shades of pink. That’s correct, Alba. Subsection 8: Gardens at the House of Healing are to be torn out and replanted according to palace standards? There you are, Alba.

 

Okay, I do not believe this. Alright, workers, stop discussing things. Let’s get back to work here. This is Douglas; sir, I’m not…excuse me, please get back to work. This is the bailiff speaking. Alba’s not going to put any…you’re not gonna cast any dispersions or spells, are you? Yeah, this is Jan; I’ve heard that it was…Micky Hutter started hearing a echo after Alba got cross. Yes, this is Douglas; I heard that Mrs. Angley was picked by birds when she…she narrowed her eyes at Mrs. Angley. This is the bailiff; that never happened. This is Alba; it didn’t? Also, this is Jan; Alba’s the Queen’s sister. We can’t get on the Queen’s bad side. Okay, this is the bailiff; you need to get this job finished or you won't be paid. With all due respect, sir, this is Jan; Douglas and I wish to resign.

 

This is Douglas; actually, I have…I’ve come down with a cold. I can’t work today. This is bailiff, the bailiff; you have orders. Bailiff, this is Alba; I’d be quite happy if all this work stopped, and maybe if they started to fix what they already ripped up, I’d be even happier. Otherwise I cannot be responsible for my brow furrowing or my eyes narrowing. Sir, bailiff, this is Jan…okay, this is the bailiff; I think we could come to some arrangement. As the theme of Alba Salix plays in your ears, by appointment to the King and Queen, Alba Salix, Royal Physician, Episode the Third, Into the Woeful Woods.

 

Back at the House of Healing, a pot simmers. Magnus, this is Holly; you’re doing it wrong. I am not doing anything wrong, Holly. You’re supposed to put the nettles into the water before it starts boiling. No, after, after it starts boiling. I didn’t ask you, Holly. But you’re gonna waste an entire bag of leaves. Holly, I don't need tea-making lessons from a hopped-up pixie. What did you call me? A clumsy, mushroom-addled pixie. Do you hear my wings buzzing, Magnus? Don’t ever call me a pixie. I just did, twice. Pixie. Oops; three times. Please do not associate me with pixies. My mother and my grandmother…there’s disagreements within…you don’t know the tension…pixie/fairy tensions. I thought fairies believed in peace and hugs and whispers on griffins. Well, pixies are different. They eat cornflower husks.

 

They trim their toenails not with toenail clippers, if you get my drift. So, you have a disagreement with pixies? What is that…how does that even play out? What, do you have a hug-off or a cider-drinking contest? Why are you poking me, Holly? Take it back. Please, Holly, leave me alone. I’m not trying to…please, Holly, quit…you’re buzzing around my ears. Oh, and I’m starting to knock stuff over. Take it back, Magnus. Take it back. Holly, you’re a pixie and a mushroom fiend. This is Alba; what is all this racket? What in Hades is going on in here? Magnus, this is Holly; take back what you said. I bet you kiss bumblebees, don’t you, Holly?

 

Well, you’re a not-nice, good-for-nothing human youngster. Oh boy, something just…is that…a bauble just fell or a bauble? Holly? Magnus? This is Alba…well, something broke. Well, this is Magnus; Holly started it. This is Holly; I did not start it. He insulted…I’m just telling it like it is, Holly. Okay, the two of you are children. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Alba. This is Magnus; I’m not sorry. Okay, first, the bailiff and the workers start to take out my garden. Now you two are messing up everything in my pantry. You know, that was my last bottle of gossamer fern extract and doeful goat weed? I’m sorry, Alba. We’ll replace them. Yes, you will. Even if I have to travel to the ends of the Earth.

 

Well, that’s a great idea, and take Magnus with you. I shall atone…wait a second, you want me to take Magnus? I’m not taking Magnus with me. Okay, any…I’m gonna write out a list. Here’s all the ingredients. The two of you go out, collect all the ingredients on this list. This is Magnus; why can't we just pick this up at the apothecary? We’re on a budget, Magnus. I see. So, I thought we were the kingdom’s…I thought we were responsible for the care of all the kingdom. They don’t fund us? Yeah, maybe you noticed that. Great observation, Magnus. Okay, this is Holly; gossamer fern, chucklebriar, golden bell weed…wait a second, Alba, that only grows in the green grove of the deepest depths of Woeful Woods.

 

Well, that should narrow down your search, then. But those woods have badgers and other furry friends that aren’t so friendly. Wait a second, Holly, I thought all the animals were our friends. You’re worried about a wittle fudgey…fuzzy badger? There’s some furry friends that we have differences…theological differences with, Magnus. Wait a second, are these furry friends on the sides of the pixies, then? Alba, I cannot go to Woeful Woods. Holly, Magnus will be there. The two of you can defend each other. Defend me? Defend me? Magnus defend me? He hasn’t even seen a tree. Alba, can I bring something like a staff or a stave or something?

 

Then we’re in the woods. Birds sing as Magnus and Holly walk along. Okay, can I see that list, Holly? What do you care? You couldn't tell a mushroom from a mulberry bush. I want to know what plants we’re looking for. Just stick to navigating, Magnus. Why don’t you fly up over the trees and see if we’re headed in the right…? Oh, wait a second, I forgot you bumped your wing on the pantry door. Okay, okay, let’s be nice. We have to work together. Yeah, I’m told. So I hear. See? I’m a good fairy and I help people. I’m a good fairy and I help people. Okay, what does the map say? Okay, the map…it looks like we’re getting close to the turning. This is the map here; hello, my name’s Mappity Map. In fifty paces, turn left at Babbling Brook. Wait, really? I don't trust this GBH thing.

 

Anything made by gnomes…Holly, this is Magnus; it’s called a GPS. Whatever. Stands for Gnomish Place Seeker. It’s probably gonna lead us into Badger Town or other furry…oh, there’s a fairy cake. Yeah…wait a second, did you say there’s…? This is Magnus; there’s a cake? Yeah, see? It’s a magical cake we fairies make. I have it right here in this paper. It sustains us on long journeys. What’s it doing just lying in the grass? Some fairies must have left it here. I wonder if it was anyone I know…or some fairies left behind their cake when they ran away from something. Okay, well, do you want some? I’ll pass. Oh, my goodness, this is good. You’re missing out, Magnus. How is it magic? This one little piece is enough to keep you going all day. Well, that’s how it’s supposed to work.

 

I could never get…make…I mean, it tastes good, but sometimes I get…it makes me even hungrier. This is the map; in one hundred paces, turn left at the Babbling Brook. Okay, I’m just a lot hungrier now, but it’s so delicious. This is Magnus; Holly, can you see the brook yet? This is the map; I’m reckoning, I’m reckoning. No, shouldn’t we hear the brook babbling by now? This is the map; rebuffering. Okay, babble, babble, babble. I love babbling. It’s like a Babbling Brook. Magnus, can you say ‘babble’? Are we headed north? Yeah, look at the moss on the trees, Magnus. I’m looking about it. The moss grows on the north side, silly. Is that true or are you making up more weird stuff? Is that really north? Absolutely 100% due north. Okay, wait a second, I just got this map. It’s…can't be not working already. Oh wow, more fairy cakes.

 

Wow, this is my lucky day. Oh, delicious. Holly, did you just eat random cakes off the ground? I don't know about that. Trust in the forest and it will provide, Magnus. But what if it’s…what if maybe…are you sure those are fairy cakes and not pixie cakes? Magnus, pixies can't cook. This is the map; in thirty paces, turn right at Great Granite Mountain. Okay, now we’re looking for a mountain. Now we’re on track. Oh, sure, Magnus, you don’t believe me about the moss, but you’ll listen to this piece of paper that talks? The map can't be wrong, Holly. It’s got the latest updates. Do you see any mountains? Well, they could be hidden by trees. Warning, warning, map speaking; this map has been downloaded in another location. You only have one user…you’ve been…are you…this is the map; have you been sharing your password?

 

Wait a second, Magnus, do you own this map? Okay, well, I mean…well, how could you think such a thing? Of course I own this map. Of course I own it. This map has been used with a password in another location. They want 170 crowns. You could just share your password. Somebody else is…if someone else pays for the map, it’s already paid for, Holly. But…I can’t believe it. We’re locked out now. I bet you didn’t even pay for any of your equipment, either, like that stave. Holly, don’t talk that way about Steve the Stave, please. Steve the Stave…this map is now re-folding itself into perpetuity. It will continue re-folding and re-folding and winking out of existence. Oh, great. This is just great. Magnus, that serves you right. Oh, holy calendula, more fairy cake. Okay, we have no map and no compass and you can't fly.

 

First off, we don’t…we’ve got…oh, my goodness, we’ve got the moss. Second of all…holy cow, Magnus, you’ve gotta taste this cake. You know what, Holly? I bet you’re faking. You could probably fly just fine. Magnus, if I could fly, I would not be here talking to you. Well, that’s a shame for both of us, then. Any other ideas? Can your fairy senses detect gimsenweed or whatever? Watch it, buster. Second of all, I do know the way back. Oh, really? Yeah, I’ve been leaving a trail of markers behind us. That way we can retrace our steps. Really? That’s kinda smart, actually. What have you been leaving for markers? This is the most brilliant part; I’ve been leaving pieces of fairy cake. That way I travel lighter as I go, and two, we have something to eat on the way back. Oh, great. Oh man, the cake we found…yeah, yeah, Holly.

 

All this time, we must have been…keep going. You’re almost there. Magnus, I think I ate all the cake. Yeah, and now I’m even hungrier. I’m so surprised, Holly. Magnus, this is your fault. You were distracting me with a useless map. Oh yeah, it’s my fault that you ate all the trail markers. Well, I hope…you know what, Magnus? I hope you…I wish non-positive things on you. I wish I could tell you, go get lost. Well, Holly, we’re already lost. Well, I hope a furry friend hugs you and…with…and they haven’t showered in two weeks. Okay, why don’t you just have some more cake, pixie-lover? I’m out of here, Magnus. Have fun getting home without a map. Bye. Oh, wait a second…and now we go to the palace.

 

Construction and bustling activity are the sounds you hear as Gunther says, there you are, Dr. Crankle. Good day, Your Majesty. I’m looking for the Master of Revels. Well, you’re out of luck, Crankle. Your Majesty? Parabel had him fired, so everyone’s coming to me for approvals. Well, I thought you were supposed to have a surprise party for Her Majesty. It is a surprise party, but she had a lot of strong opinions about the plans. Ah, well then, Your Majesty will be glad to know all of the popping surprise streamers are ready. Alright, that’s excellent. The orchestra’s gonna be out on the jetty. Okay, that’s…Your Majesty, that’s perfectly suitable, but with respect, I had hoped for a more refined musical accompaniment. I know, but Balgomarian Rhapsody is one of Parabel’s favorites. Of course, Your Majesty.

 

Have you found a way to make the banquet appear out of thin air? There are several possible approaches, but the most effective would be…oh, there’s Alba. Gunther? Alba. If you don’t mind, the Sorcerer General and I were discussing some important business. Miss Salix, good day. This is Alba; more important than me caring for all your citizens? Oh, Alba, this is Your Majesty speaking; what’s your…what’s the problem? What’s the problem? Let’s separate people from problems. The bailiff’s workers destroyed my garden this morning. Your garden? Yeah, they uprooted my nervous nettles, chopped down my squid apple tree. It was the only one on this side of the river Twist. Oh, dear. So, surely the order came from the bailiff’s office. Yeah, it’s right here, your signature on the work order, Your Majesty.

 

Oh, well, I don't have time to read every document I sign, Alba, certainly not today. Oh, Your Majesty, that’s so reassuring. Alba, can this please wait ‘til after the party? Yeah, this is Crankle; Alba, can't you use the herbs from your existing stores? I have no existing stores. Well, that’s reassuring. Well, they were…remember that Magnus, the one Your Majesty ordered to do community service for me? He messed up…well, Alba, that’s very unfortunate, but what do you want me to do about it? I’m Your Majesty. Oh, Your Majesty, Crankle here; maybe the office of the Sorcerer General can be of assistance here? Wait a second, you? Miss Salix, I know you and I have not always seen eye-to-eye. Yeah. But as a gesture of goodwill, I’d like to offer you access to our stockpiles. How very kind of you. You’re most welcome, Miss Salix.

 

We at the OSG like to be prepared for any situation; drought, low water, any…we’re ready. We’re prepared. Yeah, what about helpful community service workers? Yeah, we’re ready for every…anything. Just get in touch with my secretary and you’ll get everything you need. Well, there you go. Your Majesty just solved another problem for the two of you. Yeah, very convenient, maybe a little too convenient. I’m sorry, Alba, what do you mean? You did this, didn’t you, Dr. Crankle, slipped a little work order in front of the King in the midst of all the party paperwork? What possible reason could I have? How do I know I can use those herbs of yours? I don't know if they meet my standards. Well, I really must protest.

 

Alba, Dr. Crankle has been Sorcerer General for twelve years now and a trusted advisor to both my father and myself. What about the listening devices in the council chambers? Well, that was the Maroonian government. What about the suggestibility potion in the palace drinking water? That was a chance combination of two cooking ingredients, Alba. What about what happened on the HMS Buttercup? Yeah, that was something that just happened. Your Majesty, if I may, I must see to the arrival of the pigeon acrobatic team. Thank you, Dr. Crankle. Alba, why can't the two of you get along? I told you, Your Majesty, he’s been plotting against you and I’m the only person who’s able to see that. I am the biggest obstacle to his plans, which is why he’s trying to get rid of my garden. Oh no, no, that wasn’t Crankle. That was Parabel.

 

What? Yeah, it was on her giant list of pre-birthday improvements. Parabel wrote this decree? Ah, did someone say my name? You. Alba, which dress should I wear to the party? You had my garden torn out? Excuse me, I’ll just be over here. I know the blue one is more proper, but I still like the red one. Whichever one you like is probably fine, Your Majesty. Oh, come on, Alba, just pick one of them. Fine, the blue one. It’s more regal, not as showy. See? That wasn’t so hard. I’ll wear the red one, please, Milly. Parabel, my garden? Your what?

 

Oh, you mean that underbrush in front of your building? It was the herb garden for the House of Healing. Was the herb garden. Oh well, it wasn’t a very nice one. It’s not supposed to be nice. It’s supposed to…oh, Parabel, it’s a herb garden to provide vital herbs from the garden to my stores. Couldn't you do it a little neater, like in nice little rows or arrange them by colors? Oh, my goodness. I give up. I know; you could trim all your plants into cute little animal shapes. Happy birthday, Your Majesty. This is Crankle watching everything unfold; that went well.

 

We’re back in the woods. There’s wood sounds and then there’s Magnus. Hey, Holly, Holly, Holly, there’s a sign up ahead. Holly…? Whatever. Welcome to Badgerton, population thirty-eight badgers, three forest friends. Oh, there’s a badger. Yes, I am a badger. Hello there. Whoa, whoa, whoa, you’re talking? Hold on, hold on, this is my circle of welcoming, badger. Please stay on the outside of it. Now, now, I’m a badger friend, good sir. Well, you just surprised me. You shouldn’t be sneaking around, badger. You seem like a young man on a quest. Well, who wants to know? I am just a simple badger and an apothecary. Wait, wait, wait, you don’t say. What are you apothe-carrying? Well, magical herbs, tree products, mosses, lichen, fungi…fungi, fungi, maple syrup, souvenir gifts. Badger’s the name, badger’s the species.

 

Proprietor, comma, Badgerton All-Natural Dispensary. Really, really? That’s handy. Step right this way, young man. There’s the bell of my shop. Come on in. This is a nice hut. Thank you very kindly. I take it by the garb you’re wearing that you’re a monk of the Dragon Mountain Order. Darn tootin’. You could call me Magnus, though. Yes, warriors and healers by trade, unless I’m mistaken. Seeking rare medicines, perhaps? You got it, badgerino. Excellent. What can I get you? Okay, let me check my list here. Let’s see, buttery goldenrod? Oh, yes, we carry three varieties, all available fresh, dried, powdered, or extract. Oh, sweet. What about bladderwort? Oh, dried only, but top quality. Man, this is gonna be easier than I thought. Meanwhile, elsewhere in the woods, the forest ambiance starts to be…you hear undertones that create a sense of suspense as Holly trips and falls on a bush.

 

Oh, I hate walking, and it’s getting darker. Oh, please don’t let me meet any badgers. Wait a second, what’s that clicking sound? Well, hello, fairy. I’m a web-based being. How are you? Whoa, whoa, whoa, where did you come from? Oh, I live here. Would you like to step in my parlor for dinner? No offense, web-based being, but your parlor? It doesn't look like a parlor. It’s more like a web-based room. Oh, no, no, no, that’s just the decorations. It’s the latest fashion in parlors, web-based…web…you know, webarlors. Please, come in, come in, come in. Mama taught me never to talk to web-based beings I met in the forest when there’s suspense music in the background. Oh, please, it’s almost time for dinner, Holly. Come on in. Why don’t you come in? Let me just…no, no, no, no thank you, web-based being. No, thank you. Holly does not need you. No one ever wants to come to my place for dinner.

 

Okay, and into a house, there’s a crackling fire. There’s bubbling sounds, and from outside comes an unsteady buzzing of wings. Whoa, whoa, whoa, this is Holly; my wings…I’m flying out of control, and I just bumped into a bunch of stuff in the kitchen, bumped my head…oh, goodness, I am never going to eat cake ever again. Hello, anybody home? Hello? Whoa, boy, holy moly, something sounds…smells good. Oh, the bubbling…yeah, that’s the sound, and the smell is what’s bubbling. Smell and sounds good…let me lift this pot lid. Oh, it’s porridge. Oh, porridge, I love you so…oh, it’s very hot, though.

 

Meanwhile, back at the hut…yeah, this is Magnus; I also need three pounds of soliderwood bark. Oh yes, Magnus, this is your badger friend at the badger apothecary. Stripes or powder? It’s all good. Okay, then I recommend the strips. You’ll have to grind them yourselves, but they’ll keep far longer. Now let’s add this all up here. It’s gonna be 379 crowns, five ducats, and six pence. Well, you see, I don't have that kinda cash on me, I’m afraid. Okay, well, we also take MagisterCard and Florian Express. I’m sorry, Mr. Badger, what if I just take these things friend-to-friend? I mean, I could start you a tab. No, no, no. No, I’m just gonna take them, you know what I mean? Like karma, karmic taking.

 

Now, you give me the sack of herbs. Also, could you throw in some cash for me? Come on, I haven’t got all day. Oh boy, here you go. Karmic trading? I don't…still understand. Karmic giving? Come on, give me this…can I have some cash, too, please? Pick it up, pick it up. I cannot…you’re bring…you’re gonna bring shame to your order, Magnus. Well, thank you very much. I am going to be sure to tell my friends about the fine establishment you have here, Badger. Oh, by the way, before I leave, you wouldn’t have…happen to have a map of the area, would you?

 

Now back at the house, there’s a hearth, there’s a fire crackling. The bubbling has stopped. A wooden door opens and footsteps enter. Oh, baby, baby, this is your mama. Did you have fun? Oh, mama, that was the best puppet show ever. I want to go again. Well, this is papa; tomorrow it’s a different show for grown-up bears. Does it have action, dance-offs, and dance-a-thons and things? No. Yeah, this is your mother; you’re too young to see tomorrow night’s show. Oh. Wait a second, this is papa; something’s amiss here. I hear some snoring, fairy snoring.

 

Yeah, someone’s broken my chair. Wait, someone’s broken my table. Mother’s table’s been broken. This is papa; someone’s broken my front window. This is baby; my porridge bowl’s empty. This is papa; someone’s eaten my porridge. This is mama; can you hear that ladle? The entire pot of porridge has been eaten. What is that snoring, and is that giggling? There’s somebody in my room. Okay, this is mama; everyone get ready. We’re gonna have an action sequence. Here you go, mama, here’s your broom. It looks like we have an uninvited guest.

 

Okay, back to the woods at night. There’s crickets, and Magnus runs through the woods. Alright, look at how fast I’m running. That’s right, Magnus is number one, mother gosses. This is a guard; brother Magnus, you’ve been charged with karmic taking. It’s time for your karma to be cashed in. Please stop. I don’t follow badger laws, karmic or other. Sorry about that. Bye-bye. Well, I’m gonna twang, twang, twang this bass to put you to sleep, then, Magnus. Yeah, no chance. I’m gonna vanish into the night. Please stop, karmic taker, please stop, karmic taker. Alright, I got away from him. Magnus, is that you? Magnus, get over here. Holly? Shh. They’ll hear us. Holly, why are you in a thing called…is that T-H-I-F-E? Thife?

 

Is that…thife? Is that a musical instrument? No. It’s because forest friends don’t know how to spell another word with the same letters. Well, maybe they could spell ‘lunch’ correctly. Is that what that other sign says? Forest friends? Well, it looks like…rough, Holly. It looks like you’re in trouble. Hopefully they’ll be kind to you. Magnus, you gotta get me outta here. Holly, I can't intervene on your behalf. That would be wrong of me. Come on, Magnus, I thought you could melt wood with your mind. I’m afraid I don't have any time, Holly. I have to deliver my cargo of magical woo-woo herbs to the boss. You found the herbs? Check this sack out. Every last one; musk roses, elegante, smugroot. Wait a second. You cheated. You went to a store. I did not. You totally did. Did you pay for it or did you use some sort of karmic taking?

 

Mr. Badger let me have it for free. I guess he just liked my style. Brother Magnus, this is a guard. Please stop. I’m enforcing karmic law. Yeah, this is me, the badger; that is him. He did some karmic taking. Okay, that’s my cue. I gotta get outta here, Holly. See you later. Oh, this is the badger, Magnus; I’m gonna embrace you. Oh, that’s an embrace, holy cow, from a badger. Yeah, this is the guard, the guard of karmic law; please sit down on your bottom. We’re gonna put you right here next to this fairy. No way, fur face. I’m getting outta here. No, this is the badger; you’re not. I’m holding you in a warm embrace. Hey, come on, badger, let me go. Okay, get next to the fairy. Sit down. We’re gonna keep you two together. Wait, what are you doing? What’s with the leaves?

 

That’s right, we’ll decide what to do with you two in the morning, what karma says. Hey, wait a second, get back here. Don’t I have a right to some sort of karmic defense? What, are you the karmic people from that song? Magnus, keep your voice down. You’re gonna wake up the other forest friends. They might decide to come over and check on us. They might even sniff us or lick us. Okay, this is great. I’m stuck with Holly. We gotta deal with forest friends that can't even spell correctly, and that badger stuck something in my waistband. Yeah, that was a special kind of ivy, Magnus, if you catch my drift. Oh yeah, that would explain the situation that’s distracting me. Yeah, leaves of three, let them be. Okay, well, how does…what does that have to do with karma?

 

I thought this was some sort of karmic…oh boy, it’s increasing. Well, you did take all those herbs under the guise of karmic taking. Oh, don’t you get busy and start judging me, thive. This was a misunderstanding, Magnus. Oh, really? Besides, I was hungry. I wonder why. Okay, I’m not talking to you anymore, Magnus. That’s fine. Oh boy, I’m gonna need some of that pink stuff, Holly. You got any of that pink stuff? Okay, Magnus, we have to get outta here. You think? Okay, just do your wood-melting thing with your mind. My what? You said you learned how to melt wood at the monestary. Oh, that. I was trying to heat up some food and it melted the table. Okay, do you have any special dance moves to get us outta here, like one that unlocks locks?

 

Yeah, but not right now, because they have not…they put non-dancing shoes on my feet. Great. What about you, any bright ideas? Well, I think…I’m about…I’m getting loose, here. I’m starting to stretch my muscles, but I don't think I could dance my way outta here myself. But if we rock this thing we’re in like the casbah…okay, I could do that. Okay, on three, Holly. One, two…okay, no, no, Holly, we gotta get more in sync. Yeah, you’re going to and fro. You should be going fro and to. Okay, ready? One, two…oh, there we go. That creaking sound…shh, Magnus, you gotta do it quieter. I think it’s working, though, Holly. It’s starting to give a little. We’re almost there.

 

This is papa; I’m hearing something outside. Does anybody know what’s going on out there? Oh boy, there’s…a light just went on, Magnus. Somebody heard us. Yeah, it’s forest friends. There’s three of them. Oh no, they’re not gonna be happy, either. Okay, keep rocking, Holly. Oh, we did it. We’re free. Okay, the door’s open. Let’s go for it. This is papa; you’re not allowed to leave. We’re gonna have to chase after you. Yeah, this is Magnus; I’ll see you later. Bye. Oh, I tripped. Holly, Holly, I can't…I forgot I had the non-dancing shoes and I can't run in them, eater. Either, Magnus? Eater or either? Well, I can't carry you. Holly, please, please, please don’t leave me behind. Okay, apologize, then. Apologize? What? Apologize for taking the herbs under the guise of karmic sharing. Apologize to who? The badger’s not here.

 

To the universe, Magnus. Holly…say it, Magnus. Okay, I’m sorry, oh universe. I’m sorry I took a bunch of herbs from a nice badger who was only trying to make a living. That’s better, Magnus. Oh, here comes mama. Okay, I’m gonna catch the fairy. This is baby; the fairy ate my porridge. Holly, come on. Okay, Magnus, hold onto my waist. Oh Mercury, help me. Oh man, I’m really buzzing my wings. Okay…oh, this is stretching, stretching…whoosh.

 

At the House of Healing, morning birds chirp as Magnus and Holly enter from the outside. Good morning, Alba. Good morning, Alba. What? Oh, it’s me, Holly and Magnus. It’s good to see you. Yes. Isn’t it a lovely day today? Okay, great. I suppose this is not good news? No, no, no, we have all your herbs and everything. Look. See all these leaves? What’s this supposed to be, goldenrod? Yeah, it’s a special variety that they grow in the swamp. And this? Oh, that’s ginseng. Magnus, this is a yam. It’s orange ginseng, Alba. Yeah, this is Holly; it’s sometimes called false yam. Every herb a modern house…we have every herb a modern House of Healing needs. Yeah, right. This is like a bag of ten random plants you stumbled on in the dark. Magnus, Holly? I’m sorry, Alba. Never send a pair of distracted assistants to do a witch’s job.

 

I’ll make it up to you. I’ll be your herbalist forever. Please, please don’t say that. We just need to make amends. What can we do? What do you mean, Holly? Don’t include me in this. Okay, well, there’s a stack of bedpans and chamber pots behind you that need cleaning, and then you could start rebuilding the pantry. Yeah, Alba, that’s no problem. We’ll get right to it. Right to…great, great. Consider yourself lucky. I have to go off to Her Majesty’s surprise party, and I’m going to slam the door as I exit. Oh, my gosh. This is Magnus; what kind of karmic justice is this, cleaning chamber pots and…? Magnus, do you think you’re gonna eat that yam? With that, our episode concludes, but if you want to hear the original episode, you can do so in your pod-catcher of choice or at albasalix.com. Just search for Alba…Alba Salix, A-L-B-A S-A-L-I-X. This is Season 1, Episode the Third. Goodnight, everybody.

 

[END OF RECORDING]

(Transcription performed by LeahTranscribes)

Alba Salix

 

The Name Game Song

https://www.mprnews.org/story/2014/11/12/music2

https://bertoltpress.com/2021/04/07/the-rhythm-of-shirley-ellis-the-name-game/

https://500songs.com/podcast/pledge-week-the-name-game-by-shirley-ellis/

 

Aesthetic Local Housing Rules

https://woodgroupmortgage.com/articles/funniest-hoa-rules

https://www.dailyfunny.com/life/ridiculous-hoa-rules/

https://www.buzzfeed.com/meganeliscomb/annoying-hoa-stories

 

Pixies / Fairies

https://www.all-about-fairies.com/differencebetweenpixieandfairy.html

https://www.historic-uk.com/CultureUK/The-Origins-of-Fairies/

https://ericwedwards.wordpress.com/2015/08/14/the-origin-and-lore-of-fairies-and-fairy-land/

 

GPS History

https://aerospace.org/article/brief-history-gps

https://www.bloomberg.com/news/newsletters/2023-09-28/maplab-the-secret-history-of-gps

https://education.nationalgeographic.org/resource/gps/

 

DOWN TO BUSINESS

I’m not actually coming in

Positive Sayings about Bette Midler

From a distance, you are sleepy

PFOBM (Pseudo-Friend of Bette Midler)

I’m just a fan of Bette, let’s be hones

More like lulling, soothing dissonant tones

Warming Up With Bette, a Bette Midler vocal warmup audiobook

 

Deep Dark Night United

Karl W Links

 

PLUGS

Alba Salix; NYC Mesh; Sean Casey Animal Rescue; Hand in Hand; The Midnight Mission; Trevor Project; Sleep With Me Plus; SleepPhones; Rusty Biscuit Links; Emily Tat Artwork; NAPAWF; Anti-Racism Resources; Ukraine Relief; Crisis Textline

 

SPONSORS

Claritin; Dusker; Helix Sleep; Odoo; Air Doctor Pro; AquaTru; Zocdoc; Progressive

 

INTRO

You might be in the middle of wa wa wondering why

Wondering Why Bette Midler Went Away

The Old Mysterious Meelings

Wondering why I’m so grouchy

Someone listening right now can relate to how you feel

Always Going Nowhere Is The Show

I do like saying Borebie

BFF 4Eva for Ava

BFFs for Banana Fana Fo Fana

Most people loathe the podcast even when they like it

The intro is an ease into bedtime

Bedding Down

A crossover with Alba Salix

 

STORY

Season 1 episode 3

“Into The Woeful Woods”

Starting in House of Healing

A lot of differen worts

3 natural things for calming down

Magnus is being tested

What are people doing out in Alba’s garden?

Jan is in charge

Bailiff Henry is approaching

Strict rules and regulations about gardens

Gardens must be replanted to palace standards

Jan spreads some rumors about Alba using magic towards those that crossed her

Jan and Douglas wish to resign so as to not cross Alba

Let’s come to an arrangement

Holly tells Magnus he’s making this potion wrong

Magnus doesn’t need tea-making lessons from a mushroom-addled pixie

Don’t call Holly a pixie ever

Pixie Fairy Tensions

Magnus picks a fight with Holly

Something breaks

Alba is not pleased

They have to replace all these broken ingredients

They can’t afford to buy these materials from the apothecary

These only grow in the deepest depths of the woeful woods

Some fairies have theological differences with certain animals

In the woods as Magnus and Holly walk, in conflict

Let’s be nice, we have to worth together

The map starts to speak

We can’t trust this GPS (Gnomish Place Seeker)

Oh a fairy cake!

The map is rebuffering

I don’t know if we should be following this trail of fairy cakes

Magnus illegally downloaded this map!

Holly don’t speak ill of Magnus’s Stave, Steve

The map folds in on itself and disappears

Holy cow, more delicious cake!

Holly can’t fly at the moment

Holly has been leaving fair cake crumbs as a trail

Uh oh, Holly ate all the cake by accident

Lost in the woeful woods

Continuing Conflict

Back to the palace

Sounds of construction

Maribel fired the Master of Revels

Her majesty had a lot of opinions about her surprise party

Alba walks in

Alba is upset about her garden

Alba has no existing stores

Well that’s reassuring

The king doesn’t know what to do about it

Krackel offers her access to her stockpiles

Or is Krackel the reason this paperwork was signed in the firs place!

Just how trusted an advisor is Dr. Krackel

Krackel must leave to attend to the arrival of the pigeon acrobatics team

Alba tries to tell the king not to trust Krackel

Oh wait, Paribel wrote the decree??

Paribel is dressing for her party

Wait, that herb garden wasn’t just scrub??

Paribel wants a classic British garden

Back to the woods

Welcome to Badgerton

Hello, I’m a talking badger!

What are you apothecarrying?

A badger apothecary

Badgerton Apothecary Dispensary

Magnus likes this badger

Elsewhere you hear a sense of suspense as Holly walks and trips in the forests

Hello, I’m a web-based being!

Holly doesn’t like this WBB

Into a house with a crackling fire

Holly is flying out of control

Holy moly, something is bubbling and smells and sounds so good?

Oh boy, yummy porridge

It’ll be a lot of money for all these apothecary materials

Magnus tries to get them for free

Kharmic Taking

Back in the hearth

A family of bears returns to their hearth

They hear some fairy snoring

The entire pot of porridge has been eaten

Get ready, we’re gonna have an action sequence

Magnus is running through the woods

A guard charges Magnus with Kharmic Taking

It’s time for his kharma to be checked in

Stop, Kharmic Taker!

Holly and Magnus both meet on the lam

Forest friends don’t know how to spell Thief

Magnus “found” all the herbs

Holly knows Magnus cheated

The badger finds Magnus and embraces him

The badger won’t let Magnus leave

Why are you covering me in leaves??

Don’t I have the right to some sort of Kharmic Defense??

That badger put a special type of ivy down Magnus’s waistband

Magnus, why can’t you melt some wood with your mind?
Magnus doesn’t have any special monk powers

Dancing their way out of captivity

Let’s rock the casbah out of here

The bears hear Magnus and Holly outside

Holly wants Magnus to apologize to the universe

Magnus begrudgingly apologizes

Holly can finally fly to help Magnus escape

Holly and Magnus return to Alba

They have all the herbs

Alba is not pleased with these herb selections

How can we make amends?

Clean those bedpans and then restock the pantry

What kind of kharmic justice is this?

Alba has to go to the Queen’s party

And we come to the end

 

SWM+ THANKS

Anthony, Rosemarie, Claire, Jeremy, Andrew, Jessie, Andrew, Melissa, Kitty, Alicia, Joseph, Taylor, Joshua, Evelyn, Christina, Teresa, Michael, Cazona, John, Daniel, Ruth, Umberto, Julie, Thomas, Iona, Leah, Mark, Charlie, Julianne, Cynthia

 

SUMMARY:

Episode: 1259

Title: Fairy Cake Woods | Alba Salix S1E3

Deep Dark Night United: Karl W Links

Plugs: Alba Salix; NYC Mesh; Sean Casey Animal Rescue; Hand in Hand; The Midnight Mission; Trevor Project; Sleep With Me Plus; SleepPhones; Rusty Biscuit Links; Emily Tat Artwork; NAPAWF; Anti-Racism Resources; Ukraine Relief; Crisis Textline

Sponsors: Claritin; Dusker; Helix Sleep; Odoo; Air Doctor Pro; AquaTru; Zocdoc; Progressive

SWM+ Thanks: Anthony, Rosemarie, Claire, Jeremy, Andrew, Jessie, Andrew, Melissa, Kitty, Alicia, Joseph, Taylor, Joshua, Evelyn, Christina, Teresa, Michael, Cazona, John, Daniel, Ruth, Umberto, Julie, Thomas, Iona, Leah, Mark, Charlie, Julianne, Cynthia

Notable Language:

• PFOBM (Pseudo-Friend of Bette Midler)
• Wondering Why Bette Midler Went Away
• The Old Mysterious Meelings
• Always Going Nowhere Is The Show
• Bedding Down
• Pixie Fairy Tensions
• GPS (Gnomish Place Seeker)
• Apothecarrying
• Web-Based Being (WBB)
• Kharmic Taking
• T-H-I-F-E
• A-L-B-A S-A-L-I-X

 

Notable Culture:

• • Bette Midler
  • Warming Up With Bette, a Bette Midler vocal warmup audiobook
  • Chris Cross
  • “The Name Game” song

• Alba Salix

• Goldilocks
• “Kharma Police” – Radiohead
• “Rock the Casbah” – The Clash

 

Notable Talking Points:

• • You might be in the middle of wa wa wondering why
  • Wondering Why Bette Midler Went Away
  • The Old Mysterious Meelings
  • Wondering why I’m so grouchy
  • Someone listening right now can relate to how you feel
  • Always Going Nowhere Is The Show
  • I do like saying Borebie
  • BFF 4Eva for Ava
  • BFFs for Banana Fana Fo Fana
  • Most people loathe the podcast even when they like it
  • The intro is an ease into bedtime
  • Bedding Down
  • A crossover with Alba Salix

• Season 1 episode 3

• “Into The Woeful Woods”

• Starting in House of Healing

• A lot of differen worts

• 3 natural things for calming down

• Magnus is being tested

• What are people doing out in Alba’s garden?

• Jan is in charge

• Bailiff Henry is approaching

• Strict rules and regulations about gardens

• Gardens must be replanted to palace standards

• Jan spreads some rumors about Alba using magic towards those that crossed her

• Jan and Douglas wish to resign so as to not cross Alba

• Let’s come to an arrangement

• Holly tells Magnus he’s making this potion wrong

• Magnus doesn’t need tea-making lessons from a mushroom-addled pixie

• Don’t call Holly a pixie ever

• Pixie Fairy Tensions

• Magnus picks a fight with Holly

• Something breaks

• Alba is not pleased

• They have to replace all these broken ingredients

• They can’t afford to buy these materials from the apothecary

• These only grow in the deepest depths of the woeful woods

• Some fairies have theological differences with certain animals

• In the woods as Magnus and Holly walk, in conflict

• Let’s be nice, we have to worth together

• The map starts to speak

• We can’t trust this GPS (Gnomish Place Seeker)

• Oh a fairy cake!

• The map is rebuffering

• I don’t know if we should be following this trail of fairy cakes

• Magnus illegally downloaded this map!

• Holly don’t speak ill of Magnus’s Stave, Steve

• The map folds in on itself and disappears

• Holy cow, more delicious cake!

• Holly can’t fly at the moment

• Holly has been leaving fair cake crumbs as a trail

• Uh oh, Holly ate all the cake by accident

• Lost in the woeful woods

• Continuing Conflict

• Back to the palace

• Sounds of construction

• Maribel fired the Master of Revels

• Her majesty had a lot of opinions about her surprise party

• Alba walks in

• Alba is upset about her garden

• Alba has no existing stores

• Well that’s reassuring

• The king doesn’t know what to do about it

• Krackel offers her access to her stockpiles

• Or is Krackel the reason this paperwork was signed in the firs place!

• Just how trusted an advisor is Dr. Krackel

• Krackel must leave to attend to the arrival of the pigeon acrobatics team

• Alba tries to tell the king not to trust Krackel

• Oh wait, Paribel wrote the decree??

• Paribel is dressing for her party

• Wait, that herb garden wasn’t just scrub??

• Paribel wants a classic British garden

• Back to the woods

• Welcome to Badgerton

• Hello, I’m a talking badger!

• What are you apothecarrying?

• A badger apothecary

• Badgerton Apothecary Dispensary

• Magnus likes this badger

• Elsewhere you hear a sense of suspense as Holly walks and trips in the forests

• Hello, I’m a web-based being!

• Holly doesn’t like this WBB

• Into a house with a crackling fire

• Holly is flying out of control

• Holy moly, something is bubbling and smells and sounds so good?

• Oh boy, yummy porridge

• It’ll be a lot of money for all these apothecary materials

• Magnus tries to get them for free

• Kharmic Taking

• Back in the hearth

• A family of bears returns to their hearth

• They hear some fairy snoring

• The entire pot of porridge has been eaten

• Get ready, we’re gonna have an action sequence

• Magnus is running through the woods

• A guard charges Magnus with Kharmic Taking

• It’s time for his kharma to be checked in

• Stop, Kharmic Taker!

• Holly and Magnus both meet on the lam

• Forest friends don’t know how to spell Thief

• Magnus “found” all the herbs

• Holly knows Magnus cheated

• The badger finds Magnus and embraces him

• The badger won’t let Magnus leave

• Why are you covering me in leaves??

• Don’t I have the right to some sort of Kharmic Defense??

• That badger put a special type of ivy down Magnus’s waistband

• Magnus, why can’t you melt some wood with your mind?
  Magnus doesn’t have any special monk powers

• Dancing their way out of captivity

• Let’s rock the casbah out of here

• The bears hear Magnus and Holly outside

• Holly wants Magnus to apologize to the universe

• Magnus begrudgingly apologizes

• Holly can finally fly to help Magnus escape

• Holly and Magnus return to Alba

• They have all the herbs

• Alba is not pleased with these herb selections

• How can we make amends?

• Clean those bedpans and then restock the pantry

• What kind of kharmic justice is this?

• Alba has to go to the Queen’s party

• And we come to the end