1,143. Not So Quiet Stenographer

Notable Language:

• Holy Shorthand
• The Celestial Council on Good Planetary Policy
• Indeterminable

Notable Culture:

• Duolingo
• “Monster Mash”
• The Wizard of Oz

Notable Talking Points:

• 3/8ths of a Joke
• The Sunkeeper and the Moonkeeper
• Bad Feelings on an Equinox

Episode 1143 – Not So Quiet Stenographer

[START OF RECORDING]

SCOOTER: Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s time for the podcast that never goes anywhere but is always going. It’s time for the podcaster who really doesn’t know what he’s talking about, but eventually you’ll say, in the best way possible. But if you’re a new listener, none…that may not sound attract…here’s…does this sound attractive to you; a podcast you just barely need to listen to or don’t need to listen to at all or could listen? A podcaster that’ll be here to keep you company and take your mind off of stuff but not really put you to sleep and not really…just barely entertain you, maybe put you to sleep.

These are the things people love about this show, but it does take some getting used to, so if you’re new, give it a few tries because you deserve a good night’s sleep. Even if you never listen to this podcast again, check out sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou. That’s got other sleepy stuff on there ‘cause even if you don’t like me or the show, you still deserve a good night’s sleep. You still deserve a bedtime you could look forward to. We know how it feels. Myself and a lot of the other people listening, while we might not have gone through whatever’s keeping you awake, we can relate to some of the feelings in the deep, dark night.

So, what’s gonna happen is I’m gonna…there’s gonna be support for the show — that’s how we get to be free twice a week — then there will be a long, meandering intro that’s kind of a show within a show meant to ease you into bedtime, and then there will be a bed…other stuff coming up from there, a bedtime story and stuff like that, all to keep you company while you fall asleep. I’m so glad you’re here. Like I said, give it a few tries, see how it goes. I’m here to help and keep you company, and it’s time for Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. Thanks for making it possible, my patron peeps.

INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press Play. I’ll do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place so that…to take your mind off stuff, to keep you company so that you could fall asleep, a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether that’s thoughts, things on your mind about the past, the present, the future, thinking thoughts, feelings, anything you’re feeling emotionally that’s coming up for you or physical sensations, changes in time, temperature, routine, you might have something coming up, you might be traveling, you might have guests, you might be going through something specific, or you might not know.

A lot of times for me, it’s baffling. But whatever it is that’s keeping you awake, I’m here to try to help because you deserve a good night’s sleep. If I can say something and you don’t hear anything else I say and you never listen to the show ever again, I hope you remember that one part; you deserve a good night’s sleep. You deserve a bedtime you don’t have to dread, that you could feel neutral about or look forward to. You really do, and that’s why I make the show. There’s also…I have a website; if you already say I don’t think this is the show for me, sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou has other sleep podcasts and sleepy stuff out there. But you deserve a good night’s sleep.

You deserve the rest you need so your life is more manageable and that you could build towards flourishing, because if your life’s better, the world we live in is a better place. But it’s also important…and you deserve a good night’s sleep…and it’s important to me and there’s a lot of other people right now nodding their heads, regular listeners, because not only do you deserve a good night’s sleep, a lot of us that are nodding our heads right now, we know how it feels. We might not know exactly what you’re going through, but a lot of us can relate to how it feels in the deep, dark night or before bed or two day…the start of the weekend, thinking about Sunday night, or in the morning or in the middle of the…we know how it feels. We might not know exactly what you’re going through, like I said, but we can relate.

So, give this show a few tries. It does take a couple episodes to get used to. That’s what just hundreds and thousands if not a million people have told me; it took two or three tries to get used to ‘cause the show is very different. Obviously if you came and checked out this podcast, you’re probably skeptical or doubtful. Maybe you’ve tried stuff year after year after year and you haven’t found something that’s worked consistently. Well, I hope this podcast can help you. I hope it can be something that helps. What I’ll do is I’ll send my voice across the deep, dark night here. I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, and superfluous tangents. So, that means I’ll go off topic, then I’ll get mixed up, then I’ll say wait a second, I forgot about this, then I’ll say, what was I talking about?

Then I’ll get mixed up again. I’m already mixed up about something and I’m not even…I don’t even know what I’m mixed up about. Then I’ll misspeak like that. But the whole idea is that the creaky, dulcet tones is that my voice isn’t traditionally…tradutionally soothing or traditionally soothing. Tradutionally is a non-traditional way of saying ‘traditional’ in my head. But so, it’s not traditionally soothing ‘cause my voice is here to be distracting to keep you company in the deep, dark night, because this is a podcast you don’t really listen to. You just kinda barely listen. But the weird thing is, you can listen. There’s a few percentage of people that are listening that can’t sleep at all, and I’m here to keep them company. I’ll be here to the very end if you can’t sleep or if you need a break during the day.

But I’m here to keep you company and take your mind off of stuff, but you can kinda just barely listen, just like…I go through this every once in a while; there’s this popular idea of active listening and it is an important thing during the day, but it can feel like a bit of…it’s like oh boy, I gotta have my list…you know, who would think you’d have to have a listening A-game? I mean, I guess if they were teaching anything at school, it would probably be harder than teaching maths or arithmetic, teaching listening. It would take a really special teacher. This…none of this is ironic. I’m serious. But they should teach listening in school. I mean, they kinda…they try to teach it, but they don’t…they try to meta-teach it or some…I don’t know what I’m talking about now.

It’s a key part of learning, but if…maybe…at least for me — I guess I can’t speak for everybody else — I could use about twenty-four years of listening education in small bites, please. I heard they came out with Duolingo Math; how about Duolingo Listening? Usually I shut that off ‘cause I say I can’t listen right now any…I can’t even listen on Duolingo. I say, I gotta listen…I can’t listen right now. Too distracted. Just keep it to the words, Duolingo. What was my point, though? Oh, you don’t need to listen to me. No pressure to have that active listening. You could even pretend, but you don’t even have to. You say uh-huh, uh-huh, oh yeah, totally. Oof, that sounds like…what a day. Man. Yep, no, I hear you. I hear you. Oh boy, do I. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Oh yeah, uh-huh, uh-huh. Mm, mm. You could do all that.

You could even practice new stuff. You say hm, okay. Okay, go ahead, Scoots, keep going. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Mm. Mm-hm. You could pretend you’re taking…but that’s probably a little bit too much work. Just pretend you’re taking some sort of imaginary shorthand. Okay, uh-huh. But I guess if you were taking shorthand…there’s something…here’s something that’s never been portrayed in a movie that I know about or a show, but maybe that…maybe this…the…why did I say lurlds? The world’s loudest stenographer…the legend of the world’s large…loudest stenographer. Maybe that’ll be…is a stenographer in shorthand the same thing? I don’t know. So, I guess we’ll…I guess I know what this episode’s gonna be about. So, that’s nice.

That sounds like a good…it doesn’t sound sleepy, but don’t worry, it won't be a actual…’cause normally it wouldn’t take much to be the world’s largest…loudest stenographer, maybe. I don’t know. You say, you don’t remember My Cousin Vinny 3, the stenographer in that movie? I say, I don’t, but you could…I’m sure there’s…great minds think alike, so yeah. Was there a stenographer in that one? Probably there was, if it was anything like 1. That was a film that may or may not have a stenographer in there. What about…you say well, no, no, I only take…I’m a character actor. I only play stenographers, or I can stretch myself…I can be a courtroom…I can play a courtroom artist. Can’t make any courtroom art.

Oh boy, can I…I can…oh boy, can I put…can I pretend I’m painting or drawing a person making a speech or whatever? Holy moly. But I prefer stenographer ‘cause I have different looks. Oh, this is a sleep podcast? Holy shorthand. I don’t even know what that means, but I just wanted to say that. Phrases that have rarely been spoken. What if you…if you had…there’s even a punch…if you had a Bible written in stenography or whatever, you’d say holy shorthand. That’s the closest thing to a joke I’ve ever come up with in this podcast. It’s almost…that’s like, three-eighths of a joke there. What did this…what did the receiver of that gift, the…when a stenographer wrote a Bible in shorthand, what did they…the person who received it say? But you couldn’t use ‘shorthand’ twice.

Oh, you’re here for a sleep podcast that you don’t need to listen to. I think that’s what I’ve been rambling about for about eight minutes. So, this is a podcast you don’t really listen to, doesn’t put you to sleep, either. I’m here to keep you company while you fall asleep, so I’ll be here to keep you company and take your mind off of stuff, to be your bore-friend, your bore-bae, your bore-sib, your bore-bud, your bore-bestie, your bore-bor, your neigh-bore. I’m here to be your friend in the deep, dark night, and keep you company so that you could fall asleep, to take your mind off of stuff that…so you could drift off. So, this is a…this is the first sleep podcast, but it doesn’t put you to sleep, doesn’t…it just keeps you company. I’m a friend in the deep, dark night. So, those are two things to know.

Takes some getting used to; I think I said that. A lot of people get to the show and they’re like, what is this? It never is going anywhere. I say well, it’s always never going anywhere. It’s just like…you’d say, the world’s loudest stenographer; pretty quiet. You might say huh, it makes sense, or you might say none of this makes any sense. I’d say well, you’re in the right place. So, those are a few things to know. Another thing that could throw people off is the structure of the show, and the structure is…it follows a very specific structure but you can adjust it as you become a regular listener. So, the show starts off with a greeting; friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, so hopefully you feel seen and welcome.

Then there’s…so there’s a greeting, then there’s support for the show so it can come out for free twice a week, be optional to pay for it. Then there’s a in…oh, then there’s support for the show…so, that’s the support for the show, then there’s support for people that listen to the show and support for communities around the show. Then there’s a intro, which we’re about ten minutes into. The intro can be anywhere from ten to twenty minutes long. Sometimes people associate the intro and the sponsor support and the Supporter Zone and all that together, but the sponsor support’s what’s…keeps it coming out for free on the regular. The intro is supposed to introduce the podcast, but if you’re a regular listener, it’s meant to ease you into bedtime, or if you’re new, it could ease you into bedtime.

But ideally, for a lot of listeners, the intro is part of their wind-down routine, whether you’re getting ready for bed, you’re doing another chill activity, or you’re in bed getting comfortable. The intro is a slow wind down to give you some space between being awake and asleep, and that’s just been…what’s been shown to work and actually what works for me is having a wind-down routine. So, this podcast, it just can’t put you to sleep right away, and I’m not sure…for some people, they might find something that works for them regularly that does, but for this show, it’s a companion, so it eases you into bedtime, and ideally you just stop listening to me and I keep going, or some people set sleep timers. But you could kinda adjust how you listen as you become a regular listener. Just see how it goes. So, that’s the intro, then there’s support between the intro and the story so the show can be free, and then there will be a bedtime story.

Apparently tonight it’ll be about the world’s loudest stenographer, but I’ll probably change that title ‘cause you say, why would I listen to a sleep podcast about a loud stenographer? I’d say, I don’t know, ‘cause I just thought of…it just came up during the intro and I said well, that’ll make a interesting story. So…but to me, what’s interesting…you say okay, yeah, that sounds like something I could just barely listen to. Okay, so that’s the story, then the show ends with thank-yous and goodnights. So, that’s the structure of the show, that’s why I make the show. I’m really glad you’re here. I really appreciate you coming by and checking the show out, and I really hope I can help you fall asleep. Thanks again for coming by, and here’s a couple of ways we’re able to do it for you for free twice a week.

Alright everybody, this is one of these famous tales that’s never been told before, but I thought I should look up some facts just to…this is the tale called The World’s Loudest Stenographer. I just wanted to look up…make sure I had some of my facts straight, even though I already know the story…is the stenographer, and just make sure that you all knew that. So, this is from…oh, maybe I should just look it up on Wikipedia. So, Wikipedia comes under ‘stenotype’; S-T-E-N-O-T-Y-P-E. The stenotype, a steno machine or stenotype machine, shorthand machine, stenograph, or steno writer…it’s a specialized corded-type keyboard or typewriter used by stenographers for shorthand use.

In order to pass the US Registered Professional Reporter Test, a trained person must write speeds of approximately 180, 200, and 225 words per minute at very high accuracy. Some stenographers can reach words of 300 per minute, and the website has a official record for American English at 375 words a minute. Now, just…this is the keyboards. Stenotype or stenotype…you say steno, I say…steno pad. Steno pad. No, it’s a steno pad. It has far fewer keys than a conventional alphanumeric keyboard. Multiple keys are pressed simultaneously, known as cording or stroking. This is stuff I didn’t actually know to spell…whole syllables, words, and phrases with a single hand motion. This makes real-time transcription practical for certain situations.

Because the keyboard does not contain all the letters of the English alphabet, letter combinations are substituted for the missing letters. There are several schools of thought on how to record various sounds, such as StenEd, Phoenix, and Magnum Steno Theories. The first shorthand machine stenotype wasn’t used for eighty years or more…was a punched paper strip built in 1830. The first machine was 1863, but actual use was 1880 in Italy. In the US, 1875, there was a patent filed and then in 1879, the shorthand machine in 1909 in France. The most related to today’s stenotype or stenotype was created by Ward Stone Ireland in 1913. Stenotype was applied to the machine.

Modern hardware…there’s modern keyboards that have more in common with computers than they do with typewriters or QWERTY computer keyboards. Most contain microprocessors that allow sensitivity adjustments. So, this isn’t so important because this was…this is a older tale. Many steno enthusiasts are making and selling keyboards designed for use with Plover, an open-source steno software. There’s a few different ones like those. There’s also maps of the keyboard layout, and describing home position…steno paper has become almost obsolete with the advancement in paperless stenotype machines. When it’s used, though, steno paper comes out of a stenotype machine at the rate of one row per cord, with the pressed letters printed out in twenty-two columns corresponding to twenty-two keys.

Don’t know if I understand that. There’s even a cord chart for consonants and vowels, final consonants, punctuation. Let’s see what else we have here. Cover a little bit of shorthand really quick. Shorthand is abbreviated symbolic writing method. That’s what I always…idea of a steno pad. When I would see them around my house…I don’t know…I guess my dad maybe took notes in them sometimes? They were not in…written in shorthand, though. It increases speed and brevity of writing compared to longhand. It’s a more common method of writing a language. Oh, longhand is…the process of writing shorthand is called stenography, from the Greek ‘stenos’, narrow, and ‘graphein’, to write. Narrow writing; not shorthand.

Give me a little narrow write, eh? It’s also been called brachyo…brachys…tacho…bachygraphy and tachygraphy, from Greek, short or swift. So, fast writing, that’s what I do. Actually, I don’t write fast, even when I’m trying to…I don’t. There’s a variety of 19th century systems. Many forms of shorthand exist, according to Wikipedia. It provides symbols or abbreviations for words and common phrases which can allow someone well-trained in the system to write quickly as people speak. Abbreviation methods are alphabet-based and use different…so, anyway, I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t misusing ‘stenographer’ in this case. Of course…of the world’s loudest stenographer. This was a famous case. It didn’t…again, these are tales rarely told. This was actually the…one of the times I actually helped.

I don’t want to brag because this stuff…I’m not even supposed to make it public information. But there was times…mostly it’s involved the trick-or-treat season and Lady Witchbeard. But if you’re new, I do have other jobs other than making a sleep podcast, though I’d call this a pastime at this point. There’s this one bed and breakfast…now, I’ve pitched this, actually, to other hotels and other companies, but normally — I’m laughing — they undervalue things so greatly, which is weird ‘cause they pay for video production and video editing and stuff. But when you tell them hey, this is what I would consider reasonable compensation, they say well, we were thinking you’d just get a free hotel room for one night. I’d say well, it takes me…no thank…maybe…no thank you. Or they say, how about two nights? Maybe three?

I say okay, thank you for your time. So, I say, I appreciate it, I appreciate it very much. But this is actually different because this is a bed and breakfast. It’s still in the history of the podcast. Haven’t had really very many sit…bed and breakfast situations other than this one. Trying to think if I…oh, I stayed at a bed and breakfast for a wedding or two weddings, maybe. So, okay. But so, there’s a bed and breakfast and it’s run by a couple. They used to hire me in the early days of the podcast, ‘cause I was like, well…I was supporting the podcast with my day job and then this hobby. Mostly my day job. But this bed and breakfast, they said hey, why don’t you come out here? We have a very unique clientele. Normally…it’s different than a normal bed and breakfast that’s usually couples.

They said most of our clientele are individual beings and they’re actually coming for bed and breakfast, a little R&R, usually multiple nights. Our clients are confidential, though I’ve broke…though…yeah, I’ve gotten permission when I…I said well, this person was famous for the Monster Mash or whatever, for that song similar to the…you know, like Lady Witchbeard, for one. Actually, her real name is Connie. A Witch Named Connie; that was the first episode Lady Witchbeard was in. Okay, but I’m way off track, as usual. So, where was I? Witchbeard, Lady Witchbeard…so, okay, so there’s a bed and breakfast; that’s where I was. They would have me go tell bedtime stories in the vicinity of their clients that were having trouble sleeping, and it worked great.

But I slowly found that I had a greater role there, and I would spend time with the clients in a…just as a listener and willing to walk with them…in a unofficial capacity as a helper, but not a…I don’t know, I guess similar to a friend would help someone…not like giving them advice or anything but walking with them and keeping them company a lot of times. They would go…’cause the other thing about this bed and breakfast and where…the clients did not drive there most of the time. Behind this bed and breakfast…well, as usual, with most of them there’s a breakfast…outdoor breakfast area and then there’s some gardens. I’m not sure if you’d classify them as English or Scottish or French or…I don’t know.

Then there’s some more water-based gardens, then there’s a duck pond, and there’s cottages back there. Not on the duck pond, but in-between these different features that you may or may not find in a lot of archetypal bed and break…of course, yeah…oh boy, the listeners…I’d be remiss if I didn’t say yes, there were…are plenty of doilies and French doors. I don’t think…I don’t know if you get…I don’t know what a leaded window is, but…oh, glass doorknobs; that’s another thing they have. That’s what I expect to find at a bed and breakfast; French doors at some point, not in my room, obviously, unless I had some sort of balcony situation, glass doorknob, not necessarily…just to see a glass door…I’d associate it. I guess that’s not a requirement. French doors probably are, but I wouldn’t even remember.

I’d say huh, were there French doors at that bed and breakfast or not? What was the other thing? Stuff in the back…gardens or something like that. Breakfast in a bed…oh, doilies. There’s gotta be doilies. Tea cozy, maybe. I don’t necessarily have to have a poster bed or a canopy bed, but having one…I would say, you at least have one onsite, right, in one of the rooms? Probably some bed with brass or iron. Trying to think of other things. I could go…I know there’s a society of inns…’cause I’ve seen it and I’ve checked into places. I could do that. The ROYGBIV Institute. Remember? That’s another idea that’s never gone anywhere, but I’d like it to, is all my…one day, all holiday lights will be ROYGBIV-approved. You say, does that mean they go in ROYGBIV order? Not necessarily.

It means you pay the fee to the ROYGBIV Institute and we approve your lights, if we approve them. The fee will help us have the funds to possibly approve your lights. Certified…ROYGBIV Institute certified. Also, I have to pay off…apparently there’s a ROYGBIV estate. It was some kid and his family after they watched 3-2-1 Contact at some point. Typical. It was the kid’s idea, at least, but now the kid’s…I don’t even know, older than me. But they said, can you…could we patent or whatever, copyright ROYGBIV? I say, great. But at this point we’ve lived long enough that there’s probably a Roy G. Biv walking around somewhere. It wouldn’t be a Roy because it’d be…what about Biv G. Roy? Is there a Roy…could that be in Season 5? It’s me, Biv. Bev and Biv, the Roy twins.

They could…I mean, that could…they could just be cousins or something. I’m Bev. Bev and Biv. Biv and Bev, the Roy twins. Yeah, we’re here to…maybe I could just invent them. That could be a new podcast. Oh, that’s…the Roys are fictional? Oh no. Okay. Oh, okay…so, oh, the bed and breakfast. So, behind the duck pond is also a little nature walk. But if you go out in this nature walk…and again, this is private property, so just don’t show up there and try, ‘cause you can’t get there anyway. It’s a very specific path. But this path connects to the transverse plane, and — I’ve talked about this but not in a while — the transverse plane, this was something that I discovered way back, whatever, 2013, 2014, before the glory days of multiverses, before that became one of the famous…became…before it really became glorified, the whole multiverse.

Nowadays everybody says…I think I have a general idea…maybe I’ll watch that graphic again to get a better grasp of multiverse, ‘cause I’m still not sure I understand it. But I pretend…everybody pretends they understand what a multiverse is. Transverse plane is two different things. The transverse is…I guess it’s different than the…it’s where the cross…it’s a place where I guess multiverses intersect or cross over one another, or that it’s easy…they’re closely…if they’re some sort of…it’s where it’s easy to access. So, that’s the transverse, which I guess is the same as the multiverse. I think it’s just a easier way to…multiverse means every…they’re all over the place, but then when you start making them…like oh, they’re these little tubes.

The transverse, you’d say oh, okay, so, I could see that there’s…they might not be overlapping but they’re within range of another…the transverse plane. So, if you go up behind this thing, there’s a transverse plane which is basically…it means the area you’re walking and you can access the transverse plane. Now, the difference between the transverse plane is that there’s some other force at work, because it’s not like okay, I want to go to, whatever, PQV Variant 44 and take a look at the…or whatever, beakverse or something like that. This one, it takes you where you need to go, so…and only if you’re…as far as I know, I don’t like to brag, but only if you’re accompanied by me.

So, I would take the people…the guests of the hotel and then I would go out for a walk with them and we would discover via the transverse plane what we need to bring them on their journey. But I guess it was an independent me ‘cause the guests would also arrive from the transverse plane, and probably they’d be out…somebody would be like well, you just got…there’s probably somewhere else…huh, I don’t even know. Maybe it’s just the country lane that they drive down and then there’s a parking area, and then they come in. But the only reason that it’s important is that this was when I was at…this was not that long ago. I was working at the bed and breakfast. I said I gotta keep my…one day, people will value in-person bedtime stories at a…they realize okay, yeah, you’ve been making a thousand episodes; no wonder it costs money.

But so, to do it in person or at a hotel…but so, I was like, I gotta keep my game on. It’s different…it’s not that different doing it in person. I just gotta maintain respectful…but these are non-human people, normally, or non…what are we called? Mammals? Human…I forgot…I don’t know what species we are. Humungous or something? Homo sapiens. So, I was out there and they got…we…they said we got two guests and they can’t get along. They’re from…they’re about to go to some big presentation in the…official capacity, and they’re both really…neither one of them can sleep good. So, we need you to help them fall asleep. I can’t talk about that because that’s covered by my understanding of…but I can tell you all the other details about them other than our professional part and also the parts where I’m trying to be sneakily heroic.

Again, this is stuff normal…we don’t normally hear about except in myths, and it seems a little bit different. So, hearing about it in the modern day is probably gonna be a bit confusing. But the two guests…one was what you would say is the keeper of the sun and the other was the keeper of the moon. Or, the sun-keeper and the moon-keeper. But really, that’s just a simple title that one, kinda keeps the spirit of the sun and the spirit of the moon, and they also represent the sun or the moon. They have different powers or whatever. But apparently, other than Pluto, most of the people…most of the solar system is drama-free. You don’t have things saying you’re a planet, you’re not a…no, none of the other planets have to deal with this.

Except for maybe Neptune or whoever’s last and Uranus being the butt of a bunch of jokes, there’s not a lot going on. Maybe songs, but that’s cool. I’m Venus; I’m your fire, what’s your desire? Or other…Saturn’s rings, oh boy, are they great, or whatever songs…Jupiter…when Jupiter comes…no; when something comes out and…Mercury out tonight. Come on. So, what was I saying? So, there…you would think there’s not a lot of drama going on in the solar system except for the natural drama. You know, inter…what we would call interpersonal drama.

But just because we’re humans doesn’t mean that a tendency…that all the tend…human tendencies…maybe a lot of this is about being sentient and conscience…whatever…consciousness, having consciousness, versus being a human, some of this stuff, I would assume, because neither one of these people were human but I’ll refer to them as people because that’s kinda how we interacted. They would remind me and I’ve been around enough to know I know very little…that it’s…okay, well, you just…yeah, what do you mean you represent the sun? Who’s gonna be next, the representative from the Lollipop Guild? They said I’m sorry, what? They said, you don’t…it’s not an…I can take it without offence.

I say well, it’s just beyond your understanding. Separately…and this is public knowledge out there in the world beyond our world, in the transverse plane…wait a second, this might not even have been our sun and the moon. That makes a little more sense to me. I just realized that. But close enough, because it was on the other side of the transverse plan. Yeah, huh. Interesting. They came here…could have been, though. But basically this…drama comes up at times. Earth…are we on the back of a turtle or not? News at 11:00. Who’s the center of the universe? But this was more of…it was a real decision case they were gonna make kinda between the moon and the sun of vying for dominance in the hearts and minds of people for once and for all, because I guess at least where this was, the two of them were going back and forth.

I’m not just talking about across the sky. There’s gravitational stuff going on and they’re doing…campaigning, trying to win hearts and minds, and I guess people found it exhausting because they said I’d like to enjoy you both, or please don’t send me…dear sun, don’t send me any mailers, okay? Just ‘cause you didn’t mail it doesn’t make it a mail…just ‘cause you hung it on my doorknob…soul…do you have soul for soul? Whatever it was. Don’t do it, okay? That was pretty much the common feelings. What they decided was they were just gonna have a big case and that a group of their peers would decide, along with some sort of person with sound judgment, which one was the best, ‘cause that was basically what they were going…well, I’m the best. Well, I’m…everybody needs me for warmth.

Okay, but that makes me the best because not…people want…desire me. They don’t need the moon; they just love the moon. The sun said well, he’s…and this…so, it was just kinda…you know, stuff like that. People did try to help them work it out and to figure out okay…and so, these two were the representatives of the sun and the moon, and they were so exhausted they couldn’t sleep, either one of them, except with a little bit of Scoots’ magic. I really listened to both of them. They seemed like they were going through the same thing. They had great affinity for whoever they represented and a belief…but not necessarily a belief that the sun was the best or the moon was the best. They also both were very concerned with what would happen to them, their…planet?

Well, a sun’s different than…to their client, to their supervisor, what would happen if they…the other one won and that created some stress, too? I don’t want to make broad statements about celestial beings — there you go — but obviously they have a heightened version of what you consider a view of themselves and they’re not always the best listeners, even the moon. Now, to us and…or the sun, you’d say wow. I don’t know who I’ve told more secrets to, but probably…the moon; okay. The moon won that one, but that wasn’t part of this story, anyway. But I said well, what if…who is in charge of this whole thing, anyway? They said oh, celestial council on good planetary policy and a couple other groups, and the official…I say, could you…I said this both…to the both of them sep…I said could you do a request for a change of venue?

They said, why? I said, well…I said, maybe some fresh perspective. I said, ‘cause this sounds like the system is perpetuating this rivalry. You know, what’s gonna happen is that other planets that are visible at nighttime or daytime, whoever wins, they’re gonna think about it, too, and then they’re gonna want to have their chance, and this could just spread across the whole universe. I’m sure there’s a lot of benefit from it being high…I’m sure it’s high-profile out there. I said, we could settle it somewhat privately. They said okay, what’s your plan? I said well, okay, you gotta have an impartial person and, whatever, the group of peers. So, keep those. But I said, let’s find a spot. Then I had to trust the transverse plane.

Now, a couple other things to know about the transverse plane is when you first start walking through…so, I walked with each one; the moon’s representative…the moon-keeper and the sun-keeper. We walked and initially when you go through there, a lot of times it’s cotton candy. You go through a cotton candy realm. That really helped lighten up the mood. Talk about trust-building, because both of them…they said, this looks like…smells like cotton candy. Looks like cotton candy. I said, it ‘tis. Then we had cotton candy fights and ate cotton candy, put it in each other’s mouths, made cotton candy beards and hair, even pretended we were cotton candy barristers and members of parliament. We had a lot of fun with the cotton candy.

Eventually we both ended up in a place…and I said well, this could be the place, ‘cause I said the transverse plane has wisdom, so it kinda picked this…it was…which was strange. It was the…back when Burger Kings used to have a sunroom, that was…I don’t know if that was Burger King’s answer to the Playland. If it was, sorry for laughing at you, Burger King. But all of a sudden, a while in the eighties, Burger Kings had basically…you’ve seen it at people’s houses where they say well, this is our sunroom, our…whatever you call…greenhouse room. Burger King just put them on the front of Burger Kings so you could…especially on the East Coast so you could pretend you’re sitting outside in the winter. Meanwhile, they allowed…there was…we used to throw each…ash trays at each other, me and my siblings.

So, this was basically a old version of that with the…I said well, what about that sun…? Then the sun started…and I said, okay. I said it’s the area to view the sky. I said that’d be a good backdrop, and they said okay. They said well, what would be the evaluations? ‘Cause obviously the Council on Planetory Matters and for the Good Governance of Celestial Beings or whatever, they have their own standards. They were gonna basically have us do these…I said, nah. I said don’t worry, I’ll take care of everything and we’ll get this all figured out. I said, the only one other thing you got to agree to is that if we can’t reach a consensus decision between the person with sound judgment and the peers within seven nights of it getting dark outside…I said, I hope the time changes…then I said, just 7:24…I said I’ll set a time equivalent to seven Earth days.

So I said oh yeah, there won't be any night or day without the moon or the sun. They’ll be occupied. They said okay, we can get them to agree to that. So, they headed off. I did inform…I know some of you are like, what’s the ethics of being an imaginary interloper or whatever, and I say yeah, no, I let them know. I said I’m working on this with the keep…sun-keeper, too, and the moon…oh, okay. Don’t worry; we’ll figure…’cause they all had to agree, anyway. I knew at the time that the key to making all this work was someone named Sanders, and Sanders was…she was known as the world’s loudest stenographer and transcriptionist or whatever, live transcriptionist. So, I got ahold of Sanders. I said hey, I got something big coming up. I had met them on the transverse plane, too.

I had met Sanders on the transverse plane. So, Sanders said don’t worry, I’ll be there. Count on it. Of course, the person with sound…I said don’t worry, this is gonna be a thing…so, then the first day we did calisthenics, the…day one. ‘Cause they all had…they had teams of obviously well…people that went to school for stuff to…experts in everything, and saying point of order…I said actually, I’m in charge of this. They said, where’s the agenda? I said, the agenda is calisthenics. We’re all gonna be stretching. We had someone to lead calisthenics. I said we gotta get loosened up. For the whole day, that’s all we did, was do calisthenics, then have a break and a snack, do more calisthenics, had a break and a snack. Then the next day I said we’re gonna go tree-climbing.

Then everybody said we can’t go tree-climbing ‘cause the sun and the moon aren’t out. I said oh boy, okay, that’s…so, we can’t go tree-climbing. Also it could be awkward for the sun and the moon to tree-climb. They said you’re bringing your Earthly assumptions here. The whole time Sanders is…when I say the world’s loudest transcriptionist, most transcriptionists and stenographers are very quiet. So, Sanders was going uh-huh, hm, yeah, okay. Tree…no tree-climbing, stuff like that. Then the third day…I said okay, that’s it. Everybody dismiss for the day. Adjourned. I always wanted to say that. Then the third day I said okay, okay, no teams. I want the…both the sun and the moon to separately, under your voice, talk about what it might be like if you were the opposite, if you were the sun or the moon.

They said, we’re not opposites. I said, interesting. So, you’re not opposites, eh? They said well, what do you mean under your breath at the same…? I say okay, how about this; we’ll separate you two and each one of you will come up with your own speech about why it’s great to be the moon if you’re the sun and why it’s great to be the sun if you’re the moon, and what you might think about that. You’ll just do it here with Sanders. This is where Sanders’ power really came in, because neither one of them was prepared and they had…and I’m not trying to judge the sun or the moon, but they kinda were relying on their teams. Of course, they’re teams…and I said, there is no…I said I object to your objection. You’re overruled. Say, have you listened to any of the episodes of Sleep With Me?

There’s always gonna be…and they said oh yeah, we have. We’re familiar with Get Besos. So, each…the sun and the moon each had to sit there with Sanders and kinda come up with their idea, but the whole time, Sanders was going mm-hm, okay, yes. They both got very flustered because they both felt like…I can’t figure out what I’m gonna say. Every time I try to say something…they said, can I get another stenographer? I said I’m sorry, this is the only stenographer we have. This is Sanders. Then that dragged on for a day, but we got it done. It was just a thought activity any…or whatever we call it. Thought experiment. Then the next day after that, I said okay, go ahead. You’re gonna give your own presentation of why you feel like you’re the best today. Again, they had to do that every time. They said well, I’m the sun.

I believe I’m the best because I’m a source of heat and light. Then Sanders would go oh, heat and light. Huh. Heat and light. So, sometimes…and I don’t think Sanders knew…that’s the beauty of it, that it’s like…by repeating it two or three times, the sun did not…heat and light. ‘Cause some would make a lot of dramatic pauses. Sanders did all that for…heat and light, and then underlined it. The sun says I change with the seasons, I’m there, there’s other planets that pro…you got…there’s a lot of other unpopular stuff about me that I think is pretty good. I got these solar flares, I can hang up on people’s calls if they…if…and actually, the moon laughed at that.

Then the moon went and said well, yeah, I don’t provide heat but I provide light at night and I provide a way for people to follow some changes in time and season as well. I’m associated with highlights of seasons. I’m easier to look at, which I think is important in this discussion. Sanders said, easy to look at. The moon just stopped and kinda glared at Sanders. Sanders actually said, proceed. The moon stared. It’s easy to look at. Then the moon kept stare…easy to look at? The moon was like, are you additioning…auditioning for a role or something? Easy to look at. Then the whole court cracked up with that one. I said by the way, Sanders, this is just how Sanders works. She doesn’t even…she’s just here to take transcriptions of the thing. Don’t worry about it.

Finally what happened was…this was the one thing…they said I can’t…they both said can we just stop, please? Can we have a recess without Sanders here? I said, I’m afraid not. We have to have everything transcribed. I was like, as a matter of fact, I’m thinking about extending this. We’re supposed to be done in a few days, but I think we should extend this ‘cause you can’t…unless we have a record of all these proceedings, how could we ever determine something that’s probably indeterminable anyway? I said you know what? Great idea, though, sun and moon. Let’s stay here and…just the three of us, and then the…I say…the person with the judgment and the peers and your representatives, they can all go home.

No reason…if we have a record of all this, everyone else could just review the record and go over it themselves later on instead of having to sit here with the three of us and to work out a way we’re gonna determine how we’re gonna determine something that’s probably indeterminable. Then Sanders said, indeterminable, indeterminable…’cause I paused. I’m not pausing now ‘cause now I’m talking to you, my dear listener, and not to the sun and the moon and the gathered representatives. Everyone else was like, that sounds great. Actually, yeah, we’d have a transcript…we’re gonna have a transcription of everything. Then the…oh boy, they said well, how do we know that Sander…?

Then the person with the sound judgment said Sanders is one of the most recommended stenographers in any layer of the transverse, so don’t worry about it. Also, it’s being recorded. Then the sun and the moon started look…they made eye…not eye contact ‘cause they don’t have eyes, but they started to kinda say, how did the…how did all this get started, any…? I said, great question. How did all this get started, any…? Then Sanders said, how did all this get started, anyway? Both the sun and the moon said I don’t even remember. I think it was something about some bad feelings on a equinox or something. I say, well…yeah, I said we got to this place where it’s like, one of you has to be the best, and I guess we gotta stay here ‘til it’s resolved. Either one of you is the best or we determined that it’s indeterminable.

Sanders said, indeterminable again. Then the sun and the moon looked at each other and they said, indeterminable. Then Sanders said indeterminable. The sun and the moon said, indetermine…indetermine…no, that’s what I said; I said indeterminable. Then the sun and the moon said unable to determine. Sanders said, indeterminable; unable to determine. They said yeah, it’s not…you…they said that’s…it’s indeterminable. I said, are you saying that we’re not gonna ever be able to determine which of you is better? They said, correct, correct. So, I said, you have come to the understanding that you’re gonna withdraw from this competition of who’s better, the sun or the moon, and just…and be like yeah, it’s not…sometimes you might have a different preference, but that’s not something to be decided here in a way…and they said, indeterminable.

Indeterminable. Indeterminable. Then Sanders said that, and then that’s how it got determined that it was indeterminable, maybe. I don’t know if that’s even the right word. Yeah, and that’s how…why we still have a sun and a moon, luckily, ‘cause holy mackerel, think about the ramifications we avoided. It wasn’t me; I know I’m gonna probably get thousands of letters about how…not once again, but occasionally I do something right by a random process or processes, and…or I get lucky. But in this case, all the credit should go to Sanders. Sanders, she knew what she was doing. She was transcribing…she’s the loudest transcriptionist in the world and just had to be herself, and it all worked out. So, whether you’re sleeping under the sun or the moon, they’re both pretty darn great. Goodnight, everybody.

[END OF RECORDING]

(Transcribed by Leah Hervoly)